(Billy) It's gotta to happen, T.
You and Johnny got to double date with me and Maeve.
It'd just be so much fun.
Johnny, Billy, and the Kelly girls, out on the town.
Got to happen.
Honestly, Johnny just isn't the double date kind of dude.
You know what? I'm gonna reach out to him.
Make my case.
- All right. - I'm not gonna let up, T.
[phone chimes]
(Hank) Oh, it's Billy.
He wants to get you guys to double date
with him and Maeve.
I'll tell him you're free this Saturday?
Yeah, right.
Free to never go on a double date.
- Oh, I love double dating. - I don't. I hate it.
Sitting around some restaurant I don't want to be at
talking about other people's shit?
No.
So I should just ignore it?
Yeah, it's one of the perks of being the driver.
People don't expect you to text back.
Mm. Mm-hmm.
- I would expect a text back. - I would also.
Hmm?
- Nothing. - Nothing.
[hip-hop music]
*
Johnny hasn't hit me back,
but he's driving, so I'm sure he'll get at me.
Oh, I'm sure.
All right, I'm coming at you from another direction.
Something active.
We could rent bikes.
We could kayak on the river.
We could play tennis.
Why is it so important to you?
Because I can't stand to see the way
that you and Maeve don't get along.
She's your sister.
You should be hanging out all the time.
It's okay, Billy.
This is me and Maeve's problem, not yours.
Then why does it eat me alive?
I don't know.
I do, T.
Because one day we all gonna be 50 years old,
and you and Maeve are gonna hate each other
and you and Johnny are never gonna visit us.
Then one day, our kids are gonna pass each other on the street.
You know what they're gonna do?
- What? - Nothing.
They're just gonna keep on walking
because they won't know each other, T.
Okay, okay, okay!
I'll talk to Johnny, and, I, you know...
I'll see if he wants to play tennis.
He likes tennis.
Yeah, dog. See?
All right, I can get us into the Lakeshore Tennis Club.
What, don't you have to be a member to get in there?
Nah, my cousin Bebo can hook it up.
He's the head locker room attendant there.
He can get us a court
whenever we want. - Hmm!
Ain't nobody there gonna mess with Bebo.
Towels is where the power's at, T.
[hip-hop music]
Honestly, I think you got off pretty easy on this one, John.
Yeah, I can live with tennis
as a one-time thing.
It'll get Billy off Theresa's back,
and I get to whoop some ass on the court.
Oh, I love cocky Johnny.
Yeah, you do.
[phone ringing]
Hey, can you all give me some privacy, please?
- Nope. - No.
Fine.
Hey, baby.
- Hey, baby. - Hey, baby.
(Cash) Yes, sugar, I got him right here.
Your mama wants a word.
Hey, Mama.
- Hey, Mama. - Hey, Mama.
Can you two grow up and go wash the rig?
What's going on?
Did you see the game D. Rose had last night?
Oh, that boy, he had a triple double.
He's resurrecting himself like my Lord and Savior.
Did you know that D Rose and I, we have the same birthday?
If you know of anyone thinking of getting
D Rose something special, they better start shopping soon.
Mama, you already invited me to dinner that night.
I am not going to forget your birthday.
Not now.
[laughs]
I'll see you on my very special day.
Okay, Mama, I'm gonna hand you back to Cash.
Hey, baby.
I love you too.
Bye.
Happy day before your birthday.
You know I love your mom, right?
But I don't get why adults make such a big deal
about their birthday.
- It's weird. - I know.
I mean, maybe the milestones, but 57?
Come on.
I could not disagree with this viewpoint more,
so I'm going to recuse myself.
(Hank) And it's like no matter what I get her,
it's always somehow not good enough.
I'm sure that's not true.
Oh, no, she makes her displeasure very clear.
"Oh, it's a fine present, Henry,
especially considering how busy you are."
I mean, it's not like I don't try.
Last year I got her an iPad,
downloaded all those Terry McMillan romances
she loves so much.
She never even took it out of the box.
(Brian) If she's not gonna use that, Hank,
I'm willing to offer 20 cents on the dollar.
Just saying.
Shit, man, I'll help you find a gift for her.
I'm a genius at buying women presents.
You know what, she loved the shit out that
Christmas present you bought for her.
Why don't you just pick something up?
I'll pay you back.
Now you know what I'm gonna say, don't you?
- No. - What am I always
- talking about? - Vietnam.
- Besides that. - Fish?
Yes, what's the saying about fishing?
It's boring as hell?
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he eats forever.
Does that make any sense to you, son?
I honestly don't remember what you're talking about.
(woman) Ambulance needed 5016 east Churchill.
Woman in labor.
Oh, my gosh, oh, my gosh.
I need this one. I need this one.
All right, buddy, all right. Ambulance 14 responding.
Yes! Johnny, would you hand me
- my bucket list, please? - I don't know where it is.
It's in the rig.
Brian, that baby is not a toy.
Hi, she's in the living room.
Oh, okay. Oh, here we are.
Oh, thank God you guys are here.
Okay, I just have to pack a few things.
Okay, where's my phone charger?
Honey, you're doing so great.
I really think we should stick to our birth plan.
Your birth plan, my vagina.
Okay? Yeah. Okay, can you guys go ahead
and call the hospital and tell them
that I just need an epidural?
Well, we'll get you to the hospital,
and the doctors will hook you up with whatever drugs you want.
I want it all, whatever they got, okay?
My grandma says that they used to just knock you out,
and then you just wake up with a baby.
That's--I want-- I would like that, please.
I am so sick of all this hippie birth shit.
Wow, Liz. That really hurts.
Does it, Heidi?
Does it--does it-- does it hurt?
Are you hurting right now?
Okay, that was a poor choice of words.
I think what I mean is that I am disappointed.
Okay, are you the midwife?
Yeah, she's having irregular contractions,
and she's been stuck at 5 centimeters
for the last three hours.
All right. Ow.
(Liz) Oh, shit.
Shit, shit, shit, shitty, shit, shit.
Dicks! - Liz, if I could just remind--
Shut your stupid bitch mouth, Heidi.
I swear to God I'm gonna punch you in your face.
Okay, I think we all need to get our heads wrapped
around the fact that Liz
is going to the hospital. - Yeah.
Liz, wait, what if the doctors make you have a c-section?
If I had a knife right now, I'd just cut it out myself, okay?
- Wow, dark, dark. - [whispers] Yeah. Yeah.
[groans]
Shitty, shit, shit Christ tits,
shit Christ tits, shit Christ tits.
Well, at least she finally chose a mantra, I guess.
Here we go.
Okay, put the pedal down, boys. Here we go.
So we're gonna be taking her to City if you want to come by.
Sorry it didn't work out.
Happens half the time, so...
Yeah, no, we can actually leave that.
Yeah, you can leave that.
Okay. Here we go.
Take Damen. It's got bike lanes.
- Okay. - Have a blessed.
You have a blessed.
Damn it.
(Liz) Shit Christ tits, shit Christ tits,
shit Christ tits!
Whoo!
Okay, we'll be there soon.
I can't believe how much pain is involved
in bringing a child into the world.
Your mom deserves a really good birthday present, Hank.
You got to get her something good.
You don't get your mom good presents?
I try. She's never satisfied.
Oh! Try harder!
Cash said he's really good at buying gifts.
Why not take his help?
I don't want to go shopping with Cash.
Then you and I can go. We'll hit up Michaels.
We'll make her something from the heart.
It doesn't cost an arm and a leg, huh?
What do you say?
Hey, Cash, you still want to help me
buy my mom a birthday present?
Who wants to take my shift tomorrow?
You know I want it.
Thanks, Cash.
Pick me up at 10:00 tomorrow.
- Yes, sir. - 10:30.
- Okay. - Make it an even 11:00.
11:00.
Solid time to shop.
(Theresa) Hey, guys.
- Hey. - Hey.
(Johnny) Damn, Billy.
You dress like you can play. Can you?
Guess we'll just have to wait and see, bro.
Can you?
Guess we'll just have to wait and see, bro.
I like what's happening here.
Maeve, you've never played tennis in your life.
How do you have an entire tennis outfit?
How do you not?
(Johnny) Okay, you guys need to know one thing.
There's a strict no cursing policy here.
Yeah, this place is classy, so don't be assholes.
Okay, so when I play with my cousin Bebo,
we like to use substitute words.
If I need to say the shit word,
I say shish kebab 'cause it's fun to say and it's tasty.
Shish kebab.
If I need to drop an F bomb,
I say Fran Tarkenton
because he was a crafty quarterback who was too small,
but he did not give a Fran...
- Tarkenton. - Tarkenton.
- You feel me? - I feel you.
- Let's do this. - Let's do this.
- Okay. - We're gonna
- Fran Tarkenton them up. - Shit.
(Brian) I can't believe you let me sit two-chair, Stats.
I mean, you're next in line in succession.
You don't have to sit in the bucket.
I call it center chair.
I like it better this way.
You get to be in the center of everything.
So do I have all the two-chair privileges, or...
We don't call it two-chair, Brian, but enjoy.
Dispatch, this is Brian Czyk.
I'm gonna be sitting two-chair in rig 1 today,
so don't be alarmed if you hear my voice instead of Cash's.
Also, just a heads up--
be trying out some new call responses.
For instance, instead of saying something like,
"Ambulance 1 responding,"
I'm gonna throw something at you like,
"Ambo numero uno responder."
I don't know, just go with it.
(woman) Please keep this line clear for emergencies only.
Comprende. Lo siento, mi amor.
Hey, where do you guys want to eat today?
Oh, it's Saturday, so we have to have tacos.
Why?
Cash isn't here. We can do whatever we want.
Oh, we can finally try that vegan diner.
Oh, jeez, Johnny and Hank would never go there.
Freedom is in the air, kids.
I'm coming for you, quinoa.
When you said 11:00,
I thought you would have already eaten.
You can't shop on a empty stomach.
It leads to hasty decisions.
Besides, you got somewhere to be?
- Yeah, um... - Wrong!
When you're buying a present for someone,
you got to give it the whole day.
This day is as much for your mama as her actual birthday.
Wait, so now I got this whole day,
her actual birthday day,
plus the day after her birthday day
to talk about how great her birthday day was.
Listen, man, that's who your mama is.
And that's the first rule of buying gifts.
You buy for the person you're buying for.
Don't buy for the person you want them to be.
Your mama don't want no damn Kindle.
It was an iPad.
We're paperback people, son.
Rule number two,
listen, watch, observe.
Besides you, what is it that your mom likes to talk about?
Um...Jesus.
Yes! And...
also begins with a J.
Sparkles...
Jewelry.
Bingo! [laughs]
Now where do you think that those two things intersect?
Here we come.
[Theresa grunts]
(Theresa) Nice.
Winner, snitch.
Don't try to slice my topspin, rook.
Don't try and slice his topspin.
- It can't be done, baby. - It can't be done.
Shut up, Maeve--you're not even hitting the ball.
Why didn't you tell me this guy was this good?
Would it have made a difference?
Yeah, I would've stretched more.
What do you think about this one?
It's gaudy as hell.
Okay, close your eyes.
Close your eyes and picture your mom wearing it.
Oh, it's too small.
Very good.
Your mom does not like small jewelry, small anything.
All right, I think I got the ticket here.
Okay...let me see.
Oh, it's perfect.
No, no. No, that's too much.
Really? Are you sure?
There, that's the one.
That's the one?
Yeah, I guess it's nice.
Open up your eyes, man. I said this is the one.
[stammers]
You know what? I'll take it.
- Wrap it up nice, Melina. - Do you want a bow?
- Do I want a bow? - You want a bow.
Classy store-bought card,
two simple sentences of love written in black ink
with proper penmanship.
You're done.
Thanks, Cash.
You know, when you first started dating my mom,
I was a little uncomfortable about it.
But now, I'm still uncomfortable about it,
but she could've done worse.
She has.
[laughter]
- This is so much fun. - Uh-huh.
You got shuffle the deck every once in a while, right?
I wish I could get rig 14 to switch things up
even for just one day.
- That ain't happening. - Okay...
if you could only eat one food for the rest of your life--
Peanut butter.
(Billy) 15, love.
- Oh! - Ooh, 30, love.
Babe, you're never letting me hit the ball.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
It's just that you're not very good,
and it's fun to win. - [sighs]
- Come on, baby. - I don't want to hear it.
It's fine. Just step it up.
- Keep your feet moving. - 30, love.
[blows rapid breaths]
Come on, man, let's go.
Whoa, shit, cock, balls!
Hey!
Sorry, Tim.
That's a warning.
Sorry.
God, Theresa, show a little class.
- Set point. - My return to serve.
Stay at the net. I'll cover the baseline.
Yeah, I know how to play the game, John.
Okay, let's play.
- Come on, man. - I'm in your head, baby.
I'm in your kitchen. I'm cooking you breakfast.
Yeah, I know you're in my kitchen.
Let's go.
I'm making you flapjacks, Johnathan.
Hope you're hungry.
These flapjacks are coming in hot.
No, babe, baby, don't say that.
I'm the one cooking the breakfast.
- I'm the one who says it. - Whatever.
Stop bouncing the ball and serve.
Whoo! Ace, snitch.
We win!
(Theresa) Nice.
Maeve is driving me crazy.
She's over here talking all this smack,
and I'm the one doing everything.
Yeah, I hate it when she wins.
What do you guys think about switching up the teams a little?
- Yup, sounds good to me. - Let's switch 'em up, man.
See what happens.
Probably the same thing, but who knows.
I doubt that.
The only thing Theresa's ever beat me at is losing.
- Fran Tarkenton! - Oh ho ho ho!
That's the thing your boyfriend and I do when we win a point.
Okay, T, that ball was in my smash zone.
You got to let me smash those.
Also, FYI, match point, losers.
T, baby, go to the net, okay?
Just stay out of the smash zone, all right?
This whole area--this whole area is my smash zone.
Come on.
- Got it. - Got it.
- Ha ha! - Oh!
Cauliflower!
What is that even a substitute for?
I am not answering questions right now, T.
[laughing]
- Uhh! - Uh!
- Uh! Uh! - Uh! Mm-mm-mm!
[both grunting, humming]
- * What? - Uh! Uh!
I think that the winners deserve some imported beers.
And losers should get something domestic.
- Yes! - Something from Milwaukee.
Or maybe nothing at all.
- And we get martinis. - Oh.
- We want a rematch. - Yes.
- Team MJ accepts. - Mm-hmm.
M is for Maeve. J is for Johnny.
And also for Michael Jordan 'cause...
- we're the greatest. - We're the greatest.
And we'll get the first round,
because we're magnanimous winners.
Yes, yes, let's get you guys something to drink.
Hey, I'll get this one, partner.
Hey, thanks, partner.
Aww!
I'm gonna kill her.
Oh, easy, easy, that's my teammate you're talking about.
[laughs]
What is it?
Oh, just a text from Maeve.
No, it didn't say anything. You wouldn't get it.
Oh.
[Maeve and Johnny laughing]
Johnny: Right? Am I right?
We have to beat them.
I would like that very much,
but I'm gonna level with you, T.
If we want to win, you need to get better.
I didn't know you were so competitive.
I'm not competitive, I just hate to lose.
So do I.
So you're gonna let me teach you then, right?
It could get awkward
because you're the senior partner at work.
On the court, though, between those lines,
I got to lead.
Are you willing to listen to me, T?
[Maeve and Johnny laughing]
- Whatever it takes. - Good.
I'm gonna mold you like wet, sloppy clay
on one of those spinning wheels.
Mold me, baby.
All right, now if I get pulled up to the net,
you got to fall back and cover the baseline.
- Okay. - And don't forget to cover
the alleys, T. - Right.
- You got that? - Yeah, I got this.
Yo, how's her lob?
It's not in her arsenal, bro.
- Hey, I'm working on it. - Yes, you are.
- I'm getting there. - Hey, there's no shame in it.
No shame in it. No one's got a perfect game.
Even Federer, and he's the greatest of all time.
Nah, bro, you can't be the greatest of all time
when there's one dude you can never beat.
My boy Nadal owns that man.
Don't forget the drop shot, all right, Mama?
Man, when you'd shave your mustache?
You look like a giant baby.
[laughter]
Out!
What, you're seriously calling that out?
Clearly the honor system is pointless around here.
Nah, bro, we got the point.
Serving for the match, losers.
Winning is a terrible color on you, Theresa,
which is no surprise, because every color is terrible on you.
Oh, you rubbed it in our faces last night, you "MJ" assholes.
We are one point away from beating you
cock ass punk bitches.
[whistle blows]
(man) That's it. You're banned for life.
That's a forfeit! - Ooh!
Still undefeated.
- What? - Oh, what?
MJ all day.
[both imitate hip-hop beat]
*
[scatting]
- Ma. - Oh, I love the bow.
[chuckles] Okay.
Okay...
[sighs] Oh...
Henry Isaiah St. Clare,
this is the most thoughtful, beautiful gift I've ever gotten.
I love it.
Thank you, Mama. I had a little help.
Oh, and look, you've inscribed on the back
my favorite Bible verse.
John 8:12.
[laughs]
Oh...
You are the sweetest, most wonderful boy in the world.
Oh, Mama.
Thank you, Mama.
Oh...
Now, Cassius, I have no idea
how you're gonna outdo that Christmas gift you got me.
Oh, Mama, he gonna be great.
Cash is the best gift giver I've ever met.
Why don't we keep this about you, son?
Loretta, we can open my gift later when we're alone.
Oh, don't be silly.
Where is it? Come on, where?
Oh, I got it.
Oh, love the bow.
Oh, Cassius, it's exactly right.
Oh, Cassius, it's perfect.
Ah, ha, ha.
Oh, and on the back,
he also has inscribed my favorite Bible verse,
John 8:12.
Oh, did he?
"I am the light of the world."
You are to me, baby.
You are to me.
You know, I am going to go
and put this beautiful necklace on right now.
Oh, you outdid yourself, Padre.
Come here.
[laughter]
You sure did, Padre.
How could you?
I panicked.
You know how it is.
She has to love you.
I get my contract renewed every day.
That's some cold business.
I'd do it again.
Judas.
I had no idea how much I cursed.
- What, you? - Yes!
You have the mouth of three sailors.
Oh, shit.
- Yeah, that's right. - It's okay.
It's one of the few things I actually like about you.
- Oh, thank you, bitch. - You're welcome, skank.
Aww, yeah, this is what I'm talking about--family.
Johnny, Billy, and the Kelly girls out on the town.
One of the Kelly girls is undefeated.
Yeah, on a technicality.
Hey, a win's a win.
But I gotta give it to you, Billy.
- Man, you can really play. - Thanks, bro.
I wish you would have seen me in my prime.
I was pretty dope before I tore my rotator cuff
and had to start playing righty.
- You were a lefty? - I was.
See, T, this is why we got to hang out.
We learn stuff about each other.
Well, you're all gonna learn something about me.
I am hungry as shit.
- Who wants to get a bite? - I do.
I know this dope spot where they combine
my two favorite things-- food and swords.
I'm in.
(Billy) Okay.
[laughs]
[sirens wail]
[sirens stop]
It was fun for a minute though, right?
No.
I'm too big for that damn seat.