1 00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,341 - AS WE RODE OUT INTO ANOTHER CHICAGO MORNING, 2 00:00:07,375 --> 00:00:09,877 WE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. 3 00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:12,846 WE KNEW NOT WHAT TO EXPECT. 4 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,216 WE HAD NO IDEA WHAT AWAITED US. 5 00:00:15,249 --> 00:00:17,151 - BRIAN, WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING, BUDDY? 6 00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:18,686 - JUST FOUND OUT MY PHONE HAS THIS REALLY COOL 7 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,254 RECORDING APP AND WAS LIKE, 8 00:00:20,288 --> 00:00:23,157 "HELLO, I OBVIOUSLY NEED TO DICTATE MY MEMOIRS." 9 00:00:23,191 --> 00:00:24,158 - OH, OBVIOUSLY. 10 00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,026 - SO, UM, NO SPOILERS, 11 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:28,062 BUT YOU'RE BOTH HEAVILY FEATURED IN MY BOOK. 12 00:00:28,096 --> 00:00:30,030 - GREAT. 13 00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:32,032 - EVERYONE, BRIAN IS WRITING HIS MEMOIRS. 14 00:00:32,066 --> 00:00:34,835 SO BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY AND DO IN FRONT OF HIM. 15 00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:36,204 YOU COULD END UP IN A BEST SELLER. 16 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,205 - [laughing] 17 00:00:37,238 --> 00:00:38,772 - GOOD FOR YOU, BRIAN. 18 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:41,509 STATS HERE. I'VE BEEN WRITING A BOOK TOO. 19 00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,211 IT'S AN EROTIC SPACE FANTASY 20 00:00:43,244 --> 00:00:46,247 ABOUT A BRAINY WOMAN ASTRONAUT WHO'S LOST IN SPACE, 21 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,549 AND SHE FINDS HERSELF ON A PLANET INHABITED 22 00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:50,050 BY HANDSOME MALE ALIENS. 23 00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,252 - I'M LISTENING. 24 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,420 - IT'S REALLY COOL. 25 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,288 THE PLANET HAS THREE MOONS. 26 00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:56,424 - I DON'T WANT TO BE LOCKED INTO THE MOON THING YET. 27 00:00:56,457 --> 00:00:58,192 - YOU GOT TO KEEP THE MOONS. 28 00:00:58,226 --> 00:00:59,793 THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART, STATS. 29 00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,230 - SEX IN ZERO GRAVITY, THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART. 30 00:01:02,263 --> 00:01:03,797 - OH, THINK ABOUT IT, BRO. SEX IN ZERO GRAVITY WOULD SUCK. 31 00:01:03,831 --> 00:01:05,266 THERE'S NO TORQUE. THERE'S NO FRICTION. 32 00:01:05,299 --> 00:01:06,234 IT'S ALL ABOUT TORQUE AND FRICTION. 33 00:01:06,267 --> 00:01:07,868 - RIGHT, GOOD POINT. 34 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:09,770 - CHICAGO NORTH, AMBULANCE NEEDED, CAR ACCIDENT, 35 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,205 CORNER OF GROBOWSKI AND KERNIN. 36 00:01:11,239 --> 00:01:12,606 VEHICLE SPUN OUT INTO FIREHOUSE. 37 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:13,907 - THAT'S ENGINE 17. 38 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:14,975 MY DAD USED TO WORK AT THAT HOUSE. 39 00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:16,477 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. 40 00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,812 - "AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING." 41 00:01:18,846 --> 00:01:20,714 HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HEARD THAT PHRASE? 42 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:23,217 BUT THIS TIME, IT WAS PERSONAL. 43 00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,253 JOHNNY, DRIVING AS QUICK AS HE COULD-- 44 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,487 - BRIAN, KNOCK IT OFF. - I'M SORRY. 45 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,555 - RIGHT NOW. - SORRY, OKAY, OKAY. 46 00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,558 [hip-hop music] 47 00:01:30,591 --> 00:01:38,532 * 48 00:01:54,782 --> 00:01:57,084 [cell phone ringing] 49 00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,586 - HEY, BABE. 50 00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,987 NO WAY. I LOVE YOU MORE. 51 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:01,189 [chuckles] 52 00:02:01,222 --> 00:02:02,523 WHAT'S UP? YEAH, ANYTHING. 53 00:02:02,556 --> 00:02:04,758 OH, UH... 54 00:02:04,792 --> 00:02:06,160 I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT. 55 00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:08,296 UH, YEAH, BABE, YEAH. 56 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,497 OKAY. 57 00:02:09,530 --> 00:02:11,031 I'LL ASK HER RIGHT NOW. OKAY. 58 00:02:11,064 --> 00:02:13,634 - HEY, UM, T, CAN WE PICK UP MAEVE REAL QUICK? 59 00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:16,670 - WHY, SHE FINALLY DECIDED TO TURN HERSELF IN? 60 00:02:16,704 --> 00:02:17,838 - OH, MY GOD, WHAT'D SHE DO? 61 00:02:17,871 --> 00:02:19,440 - NOTHING, BILLY. 62 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,175 - OH, SHE JUST REALLY NEEDS A RIDE ACROSS TOWN, 63 00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:22,510 AND HER CAR'S IN THE SHOP. 64 00:02:22,543 --> 00:02:24,111 - BILLY, AS POLICE OFFICERS ON DUTY, 65 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,646 DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD BE PICKING MAEVE 66 00:02:25,679 --> 00:02:27,014 AND DRIVING HER AROUND AS THOUGH WE'RE HER OWN 67 00:02:27,047 --> 00:02:28,616 PRIVATE TAXI SERVICE? 68 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:29,883 IS THAT SOMETHING YOU THINK WE SHOULD BE DOING? 69 00:02:29,917 --> 00:02:31,352 - NO, BUT COULD YOU TELL HER THAT? 70 00:02:31,385 --> 00:02:32,886 IT'S NOT THAT I'M FRIGHTENED OF HER, 71 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,423 IT'S JUST THAT I'M AFRAID OF HER SOMETIMES. 72 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,692 - LISTEN CLOSE, MAEVE, 73 00:02:38,726 --> 00:02:41,562 THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT WE ARE GIVING YOU A RIDE. 74 00:02:41,595 --> 00:02:43,964 I MEAN, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT I'M GONNA WASTE 75 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:47,235 TAXPAYERS' HARD-EARNED DOLLARS HAULING YOUR ASS AROUND TOWN? 76 00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,537 - THERE'S A SAMPLE SALE AT EVANGELINA NESSICK'S 77 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:50,538 IN 15 MINUTES. 78 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:52,005 - SEE YOU THERE IN FIVE. 79 00:02:52,039 --> 00:02:54,408 [tires screeches, alarm whoops] 80 00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,679 - SHE'S KIND OF HARD TO SAY "NO" TO, RIGHT? 81 00:02:58,712 --> 00:02:59,647 WHERE WE HEADED, T? - SAMPLE SALE. 82 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:00,814 HERE'S THE DEAL, 83 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:02,350 WE'RE GONNA HAUL ASS OVER THERE, 84 00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:04,485 I'M GONNA FIND THE PERFECT PAIR OF SKINNY JEANS, 85 00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:06,086 AND IF WE GET A CALL, 86 00:03:06,119 --> 00:03:08,322 THEN WE'LL DUMP MAEVE ON HER ASS ON A CURB SOMEWHERE. 87 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,090 IT'S A WIN-WIN. - ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. 88 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:13,427 WE ABOUT TO GET SO MANY SAMPLES. 89 00:03:13,461 --> 00:03:14,962 WHAT'S A SAMPLE SALE? 90 00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:21,034 [siren wailing] 91 00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,940 - WHERE IS EVERYONE? - GOT TO BE OUT ON A CALL. 92 00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,851 HOLY SH--. 93 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:40,288 - OOH, JESUS CHRIST. - IS IT BAD? 94 00:03:40,321 --> 00:03:42,790 OH, WOW. OH, JEEZ. 95 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,091 - SH--. 96 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:46,360 SH--. SH--. [woman whimpering] 97 00:03:46,394 --> 00:03:49,196 OKAY, LET'S JUST KEEP CALM. KEEP CALM. 98 00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,032 - KEEP CALM? YOU KEEP CALM. 99 00:03:52,065 --> 00:03:53,467 ARE YOU IN PAIN, MISS? 100 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,135 - NOT REALLY... 101 00:03:55,168 --> 00:03:57,805 EXCEPT FOR THE HUGE FRICKIN' PYTHON AROUND MY NECK. 102 00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:00,441 - OKAY, NOTICED THAT. - WELL, WE'RE HERE TO HELP. 103 00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:04,712 OKAY, SO IT'S JUST A START-- BUT, OH, IT LOOKED AT ME. 104 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,614 IT LOOKED AT ME--IT LOOKED ME DIRECTLY IN THE EYES. 105 00:04:06,647 --> 00:04:07,781 BRIAN, CALL ANIMAL CONTROL. 106 00:04:07,815 --> 00:04:10,718 - ON IT. OH, WOW. 107 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,886 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME, MISS? - CINDY. 108 00:04:12,920 --> 00:04:14,755 - HI, CINDY. I'M HANK. THIS IS JOHNNY. 109 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,256 - HI. 110 00:04:16,290 --> 00:04:17,925 - NOW, CINDY, THE FIRST THING WE HAVE TO DO 111 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:18,959 IS GET THAT SNAKE-- 112 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,260 - IT'S A PYTHON. - GREAT. 113 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:21,795 - GET THAT PYTHON OFF YOUR NECK. 114 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:24,332 OUR COLLEAGUE BRIAN IS CALLING ANIMAL CONTROL. 115 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,968 - EIGHT YEARS, BRO. IT'S MY FIRST PYTHON. 116 00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,570 WHERE'S ANIMAL CONTROL? - I'M ON HOLD. 117 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:30,971 - [screams] IT'S GETTING TIGHTER! 118 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,906 - WE GOT TO TRY SOMETHING. - OKAY, YEAH. 119 00:04:32,940 --> 00:04:34,642 WHY DON'T YOU HONK THE HORN? MAYBE THAT'LL SCARE IT OFF. 120 00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,176 - WHAT? YOU WANT ME TO HONK THE HORN? 121 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:37,611 - YEAH. 122 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,513 - YOU SAID THAT LIKE YOU WEREN'T SURE. 123 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,914 - NO, I MEAN, YEAH. YEAH, HONK THE HORN. 124 00:04:40,948 --> 00:04:42,916 SHE SHOULD HONK THE HORN, RIGHT? 125 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:44,918 RIGHT? - YEAH, YEAH. UH-HUH. 126 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,287 - OKAY. 127 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,989 [horn honks] 128 00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,524 [whimpers] IT'S GETTING TIGHTER! 129 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:52,092 - OKAY, NO MORE HORN. 130 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,160 - CINDY, DOES THE PYTHON HAVE A NAME? 131 00:04:53,193 --> 00:04:54,528 - LORD BYRON. 132 00:04:54,562 --> 00:04:55,863 - THAT'S A FANCY NAME FOR A SNAKE. 133 00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:57,931 - YEAH, IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A PAUL. 134 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,533 - LISTEN, I DIDN'T NAME IT. 135 00:04:59,567 --> 00:05:02,670 MY PRETENTIOUS DOUCHE BAG EX-BOYFRIEND DID. 136 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:04,438 DICKWAD LEFT ME FOR THAT WHORE, TRISH, 137 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,607 SO I TOOK HIS FAVORITE THING, 138 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,376 A HUGE SNAKE. 139 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:11,345 IT'S IRONIC, BECAUSE HIS PENIS IS TINY. 140 00:05:11,379 --> 00:05:13,213 IT'S JUST SO TINY! - HMM. 141 00:05:13,246 --> 00:05:14,948 - IT'S A TINY PENIS. - MM-HMM. YEAH. 142 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:17,184 UM, HOW DID THE SNAKE GET AROUND YOUR NECK? 143 00:05:17,217 --> 00:05:19,820 - IT MUST HAVE ESCAPED FROM ITS CAGE IN THE BACKSEAT. 144 00:05:19,853 --> 00:05:21,989 - WE'RE DEALING WITH A HIGHLY INTELLIGENT SNAKE HERE, GUYS. 145 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:26,026 - OKAY, I'M GONNA TRY SOMETHING. 146 00:05:26,059 --> 00:05:27,961 HERE, LORD BYRON. COME ON, SNAKEY SNAKE. 147 00:05:27,995 --> 00:05:29,397 [whistles] HERE, BUDDY. 148 00:05:29,430 --> 00:05:31,665 COME ON, LITTLE FELLA. HUH. [whistles] HUH! 149 00:05:31,699 --> 00:05:33,467 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - HUH? 150 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,702 - IT'S NOT A DOG. IT DOESN'T HAVE EARS, DOES IT? 151 00:05:34,735 --> 00:05:36,136 - I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T SEE ANY. 152 00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,905 - I THINK THEY HEAR THROUGH VIBRATIONS. 153 00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,540 - WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO WITH THAT INFORMATION, BRIAN? 154 00:05:39,573 --> 00:05:41,375 GET A STEP TEAM OUT HERE? WHERE'S ANIMAL CONTROL? 155 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:42,743 - THEY SAID THEY WERE SLAMMED. - DID YOU TELL THEM WE'RE 156 00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:44,478 DEALING WITH A GIANT, FRICKIN' SNAKE? 157 00:05:44,512 --> 00:05:45,879 - I DID, BUT THE WOMAN ON THE PHONE KEPT YELLING AT ME 158 00:05:45,913 --> 00:05:47,681 ABOUT BUDGET CUTS, LIKE IT WAS MY FAULT. 159 00:05:47,715 --> 00:05:48,816 MAYBE SHE WAS GOING THROUGH SOME OTHER STUFF, I DON'T KNOW. 160 00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,317 ANYWAY, I'M NOT SO POSITIVE 161 00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,985 THEY'RE GONNA BE OUT HERE ANYTIME SOON. 162 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,587 - THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CUT PUBLIC SERVICES. 163 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:54,755 - CINDY, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO CALL YOUR BOYFRIEND. 164 00:05:54,788 --> 00:05:55,756 - EX. - OKAY, WHATEVER HE IS. 165 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:56,890 WHERE'S YOUR PHONE? 166 00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,091 - IN MY PURSE IN THE BACKSEAT. 167 00:05:58,125 --> 00:05:59,493 - I GOT IT. 168 00:05:59,527 --> 00:06:01,862 - BE CAREFUL. 169 00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,398 - OH, HOLY COW! AH, I TOUCHED ITS TAIL. 170 00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:06,434 IT FEELS LIKE A GHOST WENT THROUGH ME. 171 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:09,169 - OKAY, WHAT'S HIS NAME? - SCOTT. 172 00:06:09,202 --> 00:06:10,838 - OKAY. - OH. 173 00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,440 BUT HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS SH-- HEAD. 174 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:14,708 - RIGHT. 175 00:06:14,742 --> 00:06:16,376 IT'S GONNA BE FINE. 176 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:18,912 HEY, IS IT-- 177 00:06:18,946 --> 00:06:21,014 NO, NO, IT'S NOT CINDY. I'M AN EMT. 178 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,282 CINDY WAS INVOLVED IN A CAR ACCIDENT, 179 00:06:22,315 --> 00:06:23,851 BUT SHE'S FINE. 180 00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:26,086 - HE ASK HOW I WAS? - YEAH, I HAVE YOUR SNAKE. 181 00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:27,788 HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, IF ANYBODY'S A PSYCHO, 182 00:06:27,821 --> 00:06:29,757 IT'S THE PERSON WHO BOUGHT THAT HUGE FRICKIN' THING 183 00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:32,092 IN THE FIRST PLACE. THAT'S NOT A HOUSE PET, BRO. 184 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,927 I DON'T CARE IF YOU BOUGHT IT WHEN YOU WERE HIGH. 185 00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,029 EVERYBODY BUYS SOMETHING WEIRD WHEN THEY'RE HIGH. 186 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,565 - TELL HIM IF HE GETS BACK TOGETHER WITH ME, 187 00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:38,532 I'LL GIVE HIM BACK HIS SNAKE. 188 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:39,767 - CINDY, NO. 189 00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:41,401 HE LEFT YOU FOR THAT TRAMP TRISH. 190 00:06:41,435 --> 00:06:43,036 HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU. - AND HE HAS A TINY PENIS. 191 00:06:43,070 --> 00:06:44,071 - ALL GOOD POINTS. 192 00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:46,239 - SAY IT. 193 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,908 - SAY IT. 194 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,810 - CINDY SAYS THAT IF YOU GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER, 195 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,212 SHE WILL GIVE YOU LORD BYRON BACK. 196 00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,714 COOL NAME, BY THE WAY. 197 00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:55,483 RIGHT. 198 00:06:55,516 --> 00:06:56,617 HE SAYS HE'S WITH TRISH NOW, AND YOU'RE CRAZY. 199 00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,251 - WILL YOU TELL HIM HE'S A-- 200 00:06:58,285 --> 00:06:59,620 - NO, I'M NOT GETTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS. 201 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,489 YOU HAVE A SNAKE WRAPPED AROUND YOUR NECK. 202 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,156 - PRIORITIES, CINDY. - COME ON, SCOTT. 203 00:07:03,190 --> 00:07:04,825 BE A HUMAN BEING HERE. 204 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:05,959 IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN TELL ME 205 00:07:05,993 --> 00:07:07,060 THAT MIGHT HELP US OUT? 206 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,295 OH, YEAH. OH, REALLY? 207 00:07:08,328 --> 00:07:09,797 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? SCREW YOU, PAL. 208 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:11,064 HAVE FUN WITH TRISH. ASSHOLE. 209 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,166 - HE'S SUCH AN ASSHOLE, RIGHT? 210 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,569 [sniffles] 211 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,838 - CINDY, UH, JUST GONNA-- 212 00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,272 WILL YOU GIVE US A SECOND? 213 00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:20,774 - BE RIGHT HERE. - OKAY. 214 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,113 HOW ARE WE GONNA GET THAT SNAKE OFF HER NECK 215 00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:28,982 IF ANIMAL CONTROL DOESN'T SHOW UP? 216 00:07:29,016 --> 00:07:31,652 - AS WE CONTEMPLATED WHAT TO DO WITH THE SNAKE, 217 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:33,954 I COULD SEE THAT HANK WAS FORMULATING A PLAN. 218 00:07:33,987 --> 00:07:35,623 - PLAN, WHAT PLAN? 219 00:07:35,656 --> 00:07:37,491 - I THOUGHT IF I DICTATED IT, IT WOULD COME TRUE, 220 00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,192 LIKE A "IF YOU BUILD IT, THEY WILL COME" SCENARIO. 221 00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:41,428 - WHY DON'T YOU MAKE YOURSELF A HERO OF YOUR OWN STORY 222 00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:42,796 AND GO IN THERE AND GET THE SNAKE? 223 00:07:42,830 --> 00:07:44,297 - I PREFER TO BE THE OMNIPOTENT NARRATOR. 224 00:07:44,331 --> 00:07:46,266 - IT'S OMNISCIENT, BRO. - HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT? 225 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,035 - MY NINTH GRADE ENGLISH TEACHER WAS REALLY HOT. 226 00:07:48,068 --> 00:07:50,137 - BRIAN, GO SEE IF YOU CAN FIND ANYONE IN THE FIREHOUSE. 227 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,872 IF THEY'RE NAPPING OR SOME SH--, WAKE THEM UP. 228 00:07:51,905 --> 00:07:54,474 - SEE, THAT'S A PLAN. THE DICTATION WORKED. 229 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:55,709 - OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? - WHAT? 230 00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:58,946 I MIGHT HAVE SOMETHING. 231 00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,714 HEY, CINDY, 232 00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:02,215 UM, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? 233 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,685 CAN YOU OPEN YOUR TRUNK? 234 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,653 CAN YOU REACH IT? 235 00:08:05,686 --> 00:08:06,687 - SHH. 236 00:08:08,088 --> 00:08:09,056 [click, thunk] 237 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:10,858 - THANK YOU. 238 00:08:10,891 --> 00:08:12,325 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 239 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:17,064 - OH, HERE WE GO. 240 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,032 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT, CLUB IT? 241 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,835 - NO, I'M GONNA-- I'M GONNA POKE IT. 242 00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:23,070 - REALLY? - YEAH. 243 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:25,338 WELL, WE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. 244 00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:27,274 HEY, CINDY, UM... 245 00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:33,747 I AM GOING TO POKE THE PYTHON. 246 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,116 - OKAY. 247 00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:39,820 [gasps] 248 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:40,988 I THINK IT'S GETTING LOOSER. 249 00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:42,322 - OH, I THINK IT'S WORKING. 250 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,991 - YEAH, YEAH, MORE. 251 00:08:44,024 --> 00:08:45,993 - OKAY. YEAH, THERE WE GO. 252 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:47,995 YEAH. - I THINK IT'S LOOSENING UP. 253 00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:51,932 [both yelling, muttering] 254 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,034 - OH, GOD, OH, GOD, OH, GOD. 255 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:56,103 OH, JESUS. OH, IT RAN RIGHT AT ME! 256 00:08:56,136 --> 00:08:57,905 THE SNAKE RAN RIGHT AT ME. I JUMPED OVER IT. 257 00:08:57,938 --> 00:09:00,040 - DID YOU SEE WHERE IT WENT? - IT WAS GOING TOWARDS A RIG. 258 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,675 AH, WHAT IF IT SLIDES IN THERE 259 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,076 AND TOUCHES MY STUFF? 260 00:09:03,110 --> 00:09:04,277 - EITHER WAY, THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL 261 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:05,378 WE'RE GOING IN THAT FIREHOUSE. 262 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:06,546 - OR THE RIG. 263 00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,448 - CHICAGO NORTH, AMBULANCE NEEDED-- 264 00:09:08,481 --> 00:09:10,017 - HEY, HEY, HOW YOU FEELING? 265 00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,852 - 14, YOU IN THE VICINITY? 266 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,021 - WE ARE DEALING WITH A PYTHON SITUATION AT THE FIREHOUSE. 267 00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:15,422 WE CAN'T GO ANYWHERE. 268 00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:17,691 - IF THAT'S A METAPHOR, I'M JEALOUS. 269 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,926 - UNFORTUNATELY, IT IS NOT. 270 00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,802 - IT STINKS BACK HERE. 271 00:09:28,836 --> 00:09:30,370 - IT'S NOT A LIMO, MAEVE. 272 00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,239 - LOOK, IT'S CRUEL AND UNUSUAL SMELLING. 273 00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:33,273 - YOU WANT TO SWITCH SEATS, BABE? 274 00:09:33,306 --> 00:09:34,775 - YES. - NO. 275 00:09:34,808 --> 00:09:36,810 - WELL, I'D OPEN A WINDOW, BUT I CAN'T. 276 00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,079 - IT'S BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT THE CRIMINALS TO GET OUT, MAEVE. 277 00:09:39,112 --> 00:09:41,314 - YOU WERE MEAN AS A CHILD, AND YOU'RE MEAN NOW. 278 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,483 - OH, WAH. 279 00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:46,720 - [exhales] 280 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:47,755 [thud] 281 00:09:56,463 --> 00:10:00,000 - * SAMPLE SALES 282 00:10:00,033 --> 00:10:01,935 - UGH, FRESH AIR. 283 00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:03,804 IT SMELLS LIKE HOBO FARTS IN THERE. 284 00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:04,972 - HEY, REMEMBER, IF WE GET A CALL, 285 00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,439 WE'RE ABANDONING YOUR ASS, 286 00:10:06,473 --> 00:10:07,741 AND YOU HAVE TO BUY ME THOSE RED LEATHER FLATS. 287 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:08,909 - OF COURSE YOU WOULD WANT THOSE. 288 00:10:08,942 --> 00:10:10,577 - WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN? 289 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,179 - THAT YOU HAVE THE TASTE OF A 50-YEAR-OLD LESBIAN. 290 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:14,748 - OH, NO. 291 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:17,150 IF THIS IS A SAMPLE SALE, I DON'T THINK I LIKE IT. 292 00:10:17,184 --> 00:10:18,485 I THINK I'M JUST GONNA WAIT IN THE CAR. 293 00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:19,653 - NO, WE NEED YOU. - WHY? 294 00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:22,055 - TO HOLD OUR STUFF. 295 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,360 - HOW'S YOUR BREATHING? 296 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,628 - FINE. 297 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:31,464 - ANY NECK PAIN? 298 00:10:31,498 --> 00:10:32,966 - NO, NOT REALLY. 299 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,034 - LOOKS LIKE THE PYTHON AROUND YOUR NECK 300 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:35,035 PREVENTED ANY WHIPLASH. 301 00:10:35,068 --> 00:10:37,137 - COOL. - THAT IS COOL. 302 00:10:37,170 --> 00:10:38,538 - IT'S FRICKIN' AWESOME, IS WHAT IT IS. 303 00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,173 - YEAH. 304 00:10:40,207 --> 00:10:41,842 - THIS IS GONNA MAKE A GREAT CHAPTER IN MY MEMOIR. 305 00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:43,276 DON'T WORRY, I WON'T USE YOUR REAL NAME. 306 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,511 - CALL ME TRISH, 307 00:10:44,544 --> 00:10:46,479 TRISH RAZINSKI. NO, YOU COULD GET 308 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:48,148 [car honking] IN LEGAL TROUBLE FOR THAT. 309 00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:49,482 TRISH SLUTSKI. - SLUTSKI. 310 00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:50,483 - OKAY. - NICE. 311 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,052 - IT'S POLISH. 312 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,854 - HEY, JOHNNY. - HEY, STINK HANDS. 313 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:55,288 - WHAT'S GOING ON HERE? 314 00:10:55,322 --> 00:10:57,691 - UH, LONG STORY SHORT, SHE CRASHED HER CAR, 315 00:10:57,725 --> 00:11:00,728 AND THERE IS A PYTHON IN YOUR FIREHOUSE OR OUR RIG. 316 00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,062 - MY BAD. 317 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,163 - NO SH--? - NO SH--. 318 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:04,664 - HUH. HOW'S YOUR DAD? 319 00:11:04,698 --> 00:11:05,966 - UH, HE'S GOOD, I THINK. 320 00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:07,467 - WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING HERE? 321 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:10,170 - UH, THERE'S A PYTHON IN THE FIREHOUSE. 322 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,972 - BULLSH--. YOU GOT PRANKED, STINK HANDS. 323 00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:13,573 - NO, NO, IT IS NOT A PRANK. 324 00:11:13,606 --> 00:11:16,209 THERE IS AN HONEST-TO-GOD PYTHON SOMEWHERE IN THERE. 325 00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,678 IT ESCAPED FROM CINDY'S CAR. - YEAH, RIGHT. 326 00:11:18,712 --> 00:11:19,847 - OKAY. 327 00:11:22,282 --> 00:11:26,253 - OOH! SH--, SH--, SH--! 328 00:11:26,286 --> 00:11:27,387 THAT'S A BIG-ASS SNAKE. 329 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,022 - YEAH. - IT'S YOURS? 330 00:11:29,056 --> 00:11:31,725 - MY EX'S, BUT LIKE I WAS TELLING THESE GUYS, 331 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,261 IT'S ALL COMPENSATION. 332 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:36,196 - HOW ABOUT ME AND YOU TAKE A TOUR OF THE FIRE TRUCK? 333 00:11:36,229 --> 00:11:37,197 - SURE. - YEAH. 334 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,933 - [giggles] HI. 335 00:11:39,967 --> 00:11:41,501 - WOW, THAT WAS IMPRESSIVE. 336 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,003 - WHY DO GIRLS LIKE FIREMEN? 337 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,938 THEY POINT A HOSE, BIG DEAL. 338 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,840 WE JUST GOT A PYTHON OFF THAT GIRL'S NECK. 339 00:11:46,874 --> 00:11:48,842 - SERIOUSLY. THEY SAVE MORE CATS THAN PEOPLE. 340 00:11:48,876 --> 00:11:50,377 WE SAVE MORE PEOPLE IN A MONTH 341 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:52,012 THAN THEY DO IN THEIR ENTIRE CAREERS. 342 00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:53,380 - HEY, YOU GUYS NEED ANY HELP OVER HERE? 343 00:11:53,413 --> 00:11:54,782 - NO, NO, WE GOOD. 344 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:56,216 I MEAN, IF YOU WANT TO HANG OUT-- 345 00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,617 NO, THANK YOU. 346 00:11:57,650 --> 00:11:59,286 - [whispers] THAT WAS SMOOTH, MAN. 347 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:00,921 - [whispers] SHUT UP. - WAY TO SHOW SOME RESTRAINT. 348 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:02,389 - SHUT UP. - ANIMAL CONTROL'S HERE. 349 00:12:02,422 --> 00:12:03,891 - HEY, THANKS FOR COMING. 350 00:12:03,924 --> 00:12:05,625 - WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? 351 00:12:05,658 --> 00:12:06,960 - THERE'S A PYTHON IN THERE. 352 00:12:06,994 --> 00:12:08,028 - YOU'RE YANKING MY CHAIN, RIGHT? 353 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,362 - NOPE. 354 00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:11,064 - OKAY, WELL, SEE YOU FELLAS LATER. 355 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:13,300 - OH, WHERE YOU GOING? - NO WAY I'M GOING IN THERE. 356 00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,701 - ISN'T THAT SORT OF YOUR JOB? 357 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,470 - MY BROTHER IS MY BOSS. I CANNOT BE FIRED. 358 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:18,605 SO I DON'T CARE. 359 00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:20,107 - OH, SO YOU'RE A REAL PRO? 360 00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,642 - LISTEN, BUD, I JUST REFURBISHED MY T-BIRD 361 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:25,045 AND CLOSED ON A HOUSEBOAT ON THE FOX RIVER. 362 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,380 - WOW, CONGRATS. FOX RIVER, NICE. 363 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,616 - THANK YOU. SO YOU CAN UNDERSTAND 364 00:12:29,649 --> 00:12:31,584 WHY I DON'T WANT MY LAST THOUGHT TO BE, 365 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:33,586 AS THAT SNAKE IS STRANGLING ME, 366 00:12:33,620 --> 00:12:37,057 THAT I DID NOT DRIVE MY T-BIRD TO MY HOUSEBOAT. 367 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,826 - THERE MUST BE SOMEBODY IN YOUR DEPARTMENT 368 00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:39,893 WHO SPECIALIZES IN SNAKES. 369 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,761 - ROSS. HE GOT LAID OFF. 370 00:12:41,795 --> 00:12:43,964 - BUDGET CUTS? - I SEE YOU TALKED TO JANET. 371 00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:45,465 - SHE GAVE ME AN EARFUL. 372 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,400 - I GOT THIS, YOU PUSSIES. 373 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,269 WATCH AND LEARN, STEVE-O. 374 00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:50,270 - YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, GUYS. 375 00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,105 - WAIT, BEFORE WE KILL IT, 376 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,773 WE SHOULD THINK ABOUT WHO'S REALLY TO BLAME HERE, HUH? 377 00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,176 THE SNAKE OR THE PEOPLE? 378 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:57,911 ACCORDING TO MY GOOGLING, 379 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,847 LORD BYRON SHOULD BE IN SOUTHEAST ASIA, 380 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,749 HAPPILY SWIMMING IN RIVERS AND EATING LOCAL MAMMALS. 381 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:04,651 IT'S NOT HIS FAULT THAT HE WAS BORN INTO CAPTIVITY 382 00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:06,686 IN WICKER PARK AND CINDY'S NOT A GOAT. 383 00:13:06,719 --> 00:13:08,355 - THAT'S REALLY NICE. 384 00:13:08,388 --> 00:13:10,257 I'M GONNA GO CHOP IT IN HALF. 385 00:13:10,290 --> 00:13:11,791 - THANK YOU. - CHOP IT IN HALF--KILL IT. 386 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,294 - KILL HIM DEAD. - KILL HIM. 387 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,529 - OKAY. 388 00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:17,530 [ax clatters] 389 00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:18,866 - WAS THAT-- [clank] 390 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:20,433 - AH. - THAT'S GOOD. 391 00:13:20,467 --> 00:13:23,470 THAT'S A GOOD CHOP. [overlapping chatter] 392 00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,105 - WH-- - I PANICKED. 393 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,606 I THREW IT AT HIM. 394 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,707 NOW THE SNAKE HAS AN AX. WE NEED A GUN. 395 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:29,009 DOES ANYBODY HAVE A GUN? 396 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:30,978 - YOU KNOW WHO HAS A GUN. FRANK. 397 00:13:31,011 --> 00:13:33,046 - NO, I'M NOT CALLING MY DAD TO BAIL ME OUT. 398 00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,848 - I ALREADY TEXTED HIM. HE'S COMING OVER. 399 00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,884 - OH, GREAT. - SH--, STINK HANDS. 400 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,394 - PUT IT DOWN, LADIES. 401 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,528 EVIDENCE. 402 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:51,798 BILLY. - YEP. 403 00:13:51,831 --> 00:13:53,200 - HOLD THAT. 404 00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,734 - HEY, T, HOW LONG-- OKAY, NEVER MIND. 405 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,636 HI, BABY. - HI. 406 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,906 - SO HOW MUCH LONGER YOU THINK WE'RE JUST GONNA HANG OUT HERE-- 407 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,373 - OFFICER! - YEP. 408 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,209 - THAT LADY STOLE THE SWEATER I WANTED. 409 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,211 - IT WAS CLEARLY IN MY PILE. ARREST HER. 410 00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:05,678 - SHE'S LYING. IT WAS MY PILE. 411 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:07,047 - LADIES, LADIES-- LAD--OKAY, LADIES. 412 00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,348 CALM DOWN FOR A SECOND. 413 00:14:08,381 --> 00:14:10,217 CALM DOWN. IT'S JUST A SWEATER. 414 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,920 OH, DAMN, IS THIS CASHMERE... 415 00:14:12,953 --> 00:14:16,756 AND PERIWINKLE FOR $20 DOWN FROM $200? 416 00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,058 ARE YOU KIDDING ME? 417 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,893 THIS IS SUCH A GOOD DEAL FOR CASHMERE. 418 00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:22,996 OKAY--OKAY--T, I'M GONNA NEED BACKUP OVER HERE. 419 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,032 - BE RIGHT THERE RIGHT AS SOON AS I TRY THIS ON. 420 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,100 - UM, HEY, LISTEN, LISTEN, 421 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,868 I THINK I GOT A SOLUTION. 422 00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:32,005 WHY DON'T WE JUST CUT THIS SWEATER IN HALF LIKE A BABY? 423 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,041 YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT DUDE IN THE BIBLE. 424 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:38,078 HE CUT THIS BABY IN HALF, SO THEN BOTH WOMEN HAD A BABY. 425 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,180 WAIT. THAT'S NOT HOW THAT STORY WENT. 426 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,449 UM, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? 427 00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:43,951 [all screaming] 428 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:52,759 [tires screeching] 429 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,929 - ALL RIGHT, THE CAVALRY'S HERE. 430 00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,364 YOU FREAKIN' PUSSIES. 431 00:14:57,397 --> 00:14:58,765 WHAT ARE YOU, AFRAID OF A LITTLE SNAKE? 432 00:14:58,798 --> 00:15:00,600 - HEY, IT'S A PRETTY BIG SNAKE, DAD. 433 00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,402 - IT'S GOT NO ARMS AND NO LEGS. 434 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,903 I GOT TWO OF EACH. I'M LIKING MY ODDS. 435 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,638 - OKAY, OKAY, RELAX. 436 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,807 IT'S NOT AS EASY AS YOU THINK TO CAPTURE A PYTHON. 437 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:09,276 - YOU'RE RIGHT. IT'S PROBABLY EASIER. 438 00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,910 - OKAY. 439 00:15:10,944 --> 00:15:11,878 - IT'S NOT EVEN ONE OF THOSE POISONOUS SNAKES 440 00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:13,480 LIKE A KING COBRA. 441 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:15,115 OVER IN INDIA, THEY GOT LITTLE DUDES PLAYING FLUTES 442 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:17,050 IN THEIR UNDERWEAR, TRAPPING THOSE SONS OF BITCHES 443 00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,651 IN WICKER BASKETS ALL THE TIME. 444 00:15:18,685 --> 00:15:20,287 - ALL RIGHT, BIG TOUGH GUY. 445 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:22,455 - AS I WATCHED JOHNNY'S DAD'S GODLIKE DEMEANOR 446 00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:23,890 IN THE FACE OF DANGER, 447 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,259 I FINALLY SAW WHAT MANHOOD REALLY WAS. 448 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:27,827 AND IT MEANT BUSINESS. 449 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,929 - BRIAN, SHUT UP. 450 00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:31,164 - WHAT WAS THAT? I LIKED IT. 451 00:15:31,198 --> 00:15:33,633 - I'M DICTATING MY MEMOIRS. 452 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,668 - GOOD FOR YOU. WELL, WATCH AND DICTATE. 453 00:15:35,702 --> 00:15:37,904 I'M ABOUT TO GIVE YOU SOME KILLER MATERIAL. 454 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:39,472 - OKAY. - ALL RIGHT, GET HIM, FRANK. 455 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:40,640 [cocks gun] 456 00:15:41,975 --> 00:15:44,011 - GO GET HIM, FRANK. 457 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,112 [gunshot] 458 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:46,946 - HEY. [laughs] HE GOT HIM. 459 00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:47,947 THAT'S MY DAD. 460 00:15:47,981 --> 00:15:49,016 [gunshots] 461 00:15:49,049 --> 00:15:50,417 NOW HE'S JUST SHOWING OFF. 462 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,119 - DON'T SHOOT THE TV, FRANK. - YEAH. 463 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,654 [clattering, thudding, objects smashing] 464 00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,456 - [whimpering] OH! THAT FREAKIN' THING IS HUGE! 465 00:15:56,489 --> 00:15:57,957 [laughter] 466 00:15:57,991 --> 00:16:00,427 JESUS, IT'S FAST! IS IT FOLLOWING ME? 467 00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,362 SHUT UP, YOU DICKLESS JERKS! 468 00:16:02,395 --> 00:16:04,131 AND YOU WITH THE HAIR, 469 00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,666 DON'T EVEN THINK OF PUTTING THAT IN YOUR GODDAMN BOOK. 470 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,568 - WHAT IF I CHANGE YOUR NAME? - NO! 471 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:13,306 - BACK OFF, BITCH! 472 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:15,842 - WHAT? NO, I'M THE STORE MANAGER. 473 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:18,311 AND THERE'S A WOMAN OVER THERE SHOPLIFTING. 474 00:16:20,180 --> 00:16:21,814 - [sighs] 475 00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:23,716 WE GOT A SHOPLIFTER ON THE MOVE. 476 00:16:23,750 --> 00:16:25,885 SHE'S HEADED TO THE BACK ENTRANCE. 477 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:28,721 - I'M TRAPPED, T, I'LL NEVER GET OVER THERE IN TIME. 478 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,624 - SH--, SHE'S GETTING AWAY. SHE'S GETTING AWAY. 479 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,993 - NO! - [yelps] 480 00:16:34,027 --> 00:16:35,595 women: OH! [murmuring] 481 00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,369 - HOLY SH--, NICE, BABE. 482 00:16:42,402 --> 00:16:43,870 YOU JUST CAUGHT THE PERP. 483 00:16:43,903 --> 00:16:45,305 THAT WAS REALLY ATHLETIC. 484 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,240 YOU JUST LOOKED LIKE A FINE-ASS J.J. WATT 485 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,508 THE WAY YOU JUST JUMPED AT HER. 486 00:16:48,541 --> 00:16:49,976 - WHAT? WHAT PERP? 487 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:52,712 THIS BITCH JUST STOLE THE DRESS I WANTED. 488 00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,414 - OH, OKAY, COME ON. 489 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:55,782 - OKAY. 490 00:17:00,453 --> 00:17:01,954 - WELL, LOOK AT THIS. 491 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:06,526 - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? 492 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,428 - IT'S ALL OVER THE SQUAWK BOX. 493 00:17:08,461 --> 00:17:10,763 EVERY EMERGENCY SERVICE IN CHICAGO 494 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,565 IS TALKING ABOUT THIS SH--. 495 00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,534 YOU GUYS ARE A BUNCH OF WIMPS. 496 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,336 YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE TOUGH. 497 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:19,939 BEING BRAVE IS LITERALLY PART OF YOUR JOB DESCRIPTION. 498 00:17:19,972 --> 00:17:21,841 I AM DISGUSTED. 499 00:17:21,874 --> 00:17:25,278 AND WHERE IS THE ANIMAL CONTROL GUY? 500 00:17:25,312 --> 00:17:27,580 HAVE YOU NO PRIDE? - I DO NOT. 501 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,349 - DISGRACEFUL. 502 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,719 LET ME SHOW Y'ALL HOW A REAL MAN HANDLES HIS BUSINESS. 503 00:17:32,752 --> 00:17:35,355 VOODOO, GO GET HIM. 504 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,723 - YES, SIR. 505 00:17:36,756 --> 00:17:39,025 - AND OFF SHE WENT, MY SNAKE CHARMER. 506 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,560 - I LIKE THAT. GOOD USE OF METAPHOR. 507 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,295 WE SHOULD START A WRITERS' GROUP. 508 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:43,963 - I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D LET A SMALL BLONDE WOMAN 509 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,099 WALK DIRECTLY INTO THE GATES OF HELL. 510 00:17:46,133 --> 00:17:47,600 - VOODOO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS. 511 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:48,968 - I'VE BEEN IN THERE. I'VE SEEN IT. 512 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,870 THIS IS NO NORMAL SNAKE. YOU GOT TO-- 513 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:51,871 - UH, YOU WERE SAYING? 514 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:53,806 all: OH! 515 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:54,907 - OKAY. - THAT'S IMPRESSIVE. 516 00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:56,576 - WHOO-HOO! - YOU OKAY? 517 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,145 - NOT TOO CLOSE, NOT TOO CLOSE. - YEAH, IT'S FINE. 518 00:17:58,178 --> 00:17:59,479 - THAT'S THE ONE THAT'S A WITCH, RIGHT? 519 00:17:59,512 --> 00:18:01,248 - YEAH. 520 00:18:01,281 --> 00:18:04,317 - DO YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING THAT INTO THE OFFICE FOR ME? 521 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,819 - OKAY. - ASK FOR JANET. 522 00:18:06,853 --> 00:18:08,321 - VOO, HOW'D YOU LEARN TO DO THAT? 523 00:18:08,355 --> 00:18:10,089 - LEARN? 524 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:12,225 I JUST PICKED UP THE SNAKE AND STAYED AWAY FROM THE MOUTH. 525 00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:13,993 IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE. 526 00:18:14,026 --> 00:18:15,728 PLUS, LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS. - NO, HE'S NOT THAT CUTE. 527 00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,297 - WAIT A MINUTE. 528 00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:20,233 DOES THIS MEAN SCOTT DOESN'T GET HIS SNAKE BACK? 529 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,401 - I DON'T KNOW. 530 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:22,335 PROBABLY NOT. 531 00:18:22,369 --> 00:18:23,970 - PERFECT. 532 00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:26,005 OH, MY GOD, CAN YOU TAKE A PICTURE OF US? 533 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:28,575 - NO. - OKAY. 534 00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:30,243 CAN YOU, KIND SIR? 535 00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:31,978 - MM-HMM. - THANK YOU. 536 00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:35,114 STEVEN, BUDDY, GET UP IN THIS, 537 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:36,883 LIKE, REAL TIGHT. 538 00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:40,253 TAKE THAT, SH-- HEAD. 539 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,054 all: SMILE. 540 00:18:46,393 --> 00:18:48,428 - HEY, THOSE ARE MY CLOTHES. - NO, THEY'RE NOT. 541 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:51,398 NEWS FLASH--YOU HAVE TO PAY MONEY FOR THINGS. 542 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,701 MAEVE, STOP. THAT IS EVIDENCE. 543 00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:56,203 - NO, THIS IS YOUR STUFF. 544 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:59,206 YOU HAVE, LIKE, TERRIBLE TASTE, THERESA. 545 00:18:59,239 --> 00:19:00,207 - [laughs] - OH, PLEASE. 546 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,641 I SAW WHAT YOU STOLE. 547 00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,276 BESIDES THAT DRESS, EVERYTHING YOU HAD 548 00:19:03,310 --> 00:19:05,312 LOOKED LIKE SOMETHING A GRANDMOTHER WOULD DIE IN. 549 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,979 OW. 550 00:19:07,013 --> 00:19:11,117 - WOULD YOU STOP? I WILL PULL THIS CAR OVER. 551 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:12,985 - I GOT TO SAY, I'M NOT HATING THIS. 552 00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,654 BABE, I THINK THAT YOU WOULD REALLY KICK ASS 553 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,688 IN A WOMAN'S PRISON, 554 00:19:15,722 --> 00:19:17,056 AND YOU LOOK GOOD IN ORANGE. 555 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,958 I THINK YOU LOOK GOOD IN ALL COLORS. 556 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,127 - THANKS, BABY. 557 00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,862 - DON'T THINK I WON'T ARREST YOU, MAEVE. 558 00:19:22,895 --> 00:19:23,996 - BITCH. - TOTALLY. 559 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,898 - WHAT WAS THAT? both: NOTHING. 560 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,676 - AW, THAT WAS AWESOME. I FEEL SO ALIVE. 561 00:19:36,709 --> 00:19:38,845 I FEEL DOUBLE ALIVE BECAUSE I SAW MY DAD RUN AWAY 562 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,580 FROM THAT SNAKE LIKE AN OVERGROWN BABY. 563 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,215 - WELL, THE APPLE DIDN'T FALL TOO FAR FROM THE TREE. 564 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,516 - WHATEVER. 565 00:19:43,550 --> 00:19:45,151 - IT IS A DAY I WILL NOT SOON FORGET. 566 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:46,719 - OH, THAT'S RIGHT, BRIAN. 567 00:19:46,753 --> 00:19:48,154 YOU GOT A LOT OF GOOD STUFF FOR YOUR MEMOIRS. 568 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,689 - YEAH, WHAT DO YOU GOT SO FAR? BUST IT OUT. 569 00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:51,157 - WELL, IT'S A WORK IN PROGRESS. 570 00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,158 - OH, COME ON. 571 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,093 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. 572 00:19:54,126 --> 00:19:55,895 TWIST MY ARM, HERE WE GO. 573 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,397 - AND IT WAS DURING THIS PERIOD 574 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,098 THAT I WAS DEALING WITH A SMELLY FART ISSUE, 575 00:19:59,131 --> 00:20:02,735 SO I WAS GRATEFUL THAT I WASN'T HAVING ANY SEX. 576 00:20:02,769 --> 00:20:04,537 - HA HA HA, JOHNNY. 577 00:20:04,571 --> 00:20:05,538 VERY FUNNY. 578 00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:07,874 - AS I BENT OVER TO GET MY BAG, 579 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,243 I HOPED THAT THE GUYS DIDN'T SEE MY THONG. 580 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,613 HOW SMALL IS TOO SMALL WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR OWN TESTICLES? 581 00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:14,914 - VERY MATURE. 582 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,016 VERY MATURE, GUYS, VERY MATURE. 583 00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:18,785 - DON'T STOP. THIS IS GOOD STUFF. KEEP GOING. 584 00:20:18,818 --> 00:20:20,553 - COME ON, I WANT TO HEAR WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. 585 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:24,524 - THEN I REALIZED THAT I WAS ONE OF THE BEST, MOST UNDERSTANDING 586 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,959 FRIENDS A GIRL COULD HAVE. - THAT'S SWEET. 587 00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,795 - WE THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE IT. - I LIKE THAT. 588 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:30,530 - HEY, BRIAN, I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU 589 00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:31,764 A TASTE OF THE BOOK I'M WRITING. 590 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:32,799 - LET'S HEAR IT. 591 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,634 - "THE LADY ASTRONAUT TREMBLED 592 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:37,537 "AS THE HUNKY SPACE ALIEN UNDRESSED HER. 593 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:40,707 "AS HER EYES PASSED OVER HIS STRAPPING BODY, 594 00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:44,777 "SHE REALIZED THAT THEIR SPECIES COULD, INDEED, MIX. 595 00:20:44,811 --> 00:20:46,145 HIS GLISTENING"-- all: NO. 596 00:20:46,178 --> 00:20:47,880 - OKAY, ALL RIGHT. - NO, THANK YOU. 597 00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:49,882 - THAT'S GOOD. - THANK YOU, I'M GOOD. 598 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,318 - IT'S BEEN A GOOD DAY, YOU GUYS. 599 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,486 - IT WAS A GOOD DAY. - IT'S ALL RIGHT. 600 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,155 - WE ENCOUNTERED A PYTHON WITH AN AX, HANK. 601 00:20:56,188 --> 00:20:58,325 - WHAT WAS HIS NAME? - LORD BYRON. 602 00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,059 - WHO NAMES A SNAKE "LORD BYRON"? 603 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,328 - AN IDIOT. A HIPSTER. 604 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:02,729 - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? 605 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:02,829 - [laughs] - THAT'S GOOD, BRIAN.