1 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:04,805 - IF YOU WERE A SUPERHERO 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:06,374 AND YOU COULD PICK YOUR SUPERPOWER, 3 00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:09,043 WOULD YOU RATHER BE ABLE TO TURN YOURSELF INVISIBLE 4 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,244 OR FLY? 5 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,746 - FLY. 6 00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:14,315 - YOU'RE NOT EVEN GONNA GIVE THAT ANY THOUGHT? 7 00:00:14,348 --> 00:00:15,916 - OH, I'VE GIVEN IT A LOT OF THOUGHT. 8 00:00:15,949 --> 00:00:17,485 I THINK IT WOULD BE SUPER COOL TO PICK UP AND FLY. 9 00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:19,053 COME ON, WHENEVER, WHEREVER. 10 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,388 - YOU REALIZE IF YOU WERE INVISIBLE, 11 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,655 YOU COULD SEE ANYONE YOU WANTED NAKED. 12 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,023 - YOU REALIZE THAT IF I COULD FLY 13 00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:24,425 I COULD SEE ANYONE I WANTED NAKED. 14 00:00:24,458 --> 00:00:26,160 HEY, HOW YOU DOING? FIRST TIME HERE? 15 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,728 WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? I CAN FLY. 16 00:00:27,761 --> 00:00:29,263 OH, YOU'RE DATING DEREK JETER? 17 00:00:29,297 --> 00:00:31,532 THAT'S SWEET. I CAN FLY. 18 00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:33,033 - OKAY, GOOD POINT. POINT TAKEN. 19 00:00:33,067 --> 00:00:34,402 - CHICAGO NORTH, AMBULANCE NEEDED. 20 00:00:34,435 --> 00:00:35,836 939 WEST NORTH. 21 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,605 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. [siren wails] 22 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,174 - DON'T GET ME WRONG, I WOULD LOVE TO FLY, 23 00:00:40,208 --> 00:00:42,443 BUT I THINK I WOULD HAVE TO GO WITH INVISIBILITY. 24 00:00:42,476 --> 00:00:45,546 MOSTLY FOR ITS CRIME-FIGHTING POSSIBILITIES. 25 00:00:45,579 --> 00:00:47,115 - SOUNDS KIND OF SNEAKY TO ME. 26 00:00:47,148 --> 00:00:49,350 - YEAH, VERY SNEAKY. - SNEAKY, THAT'S GOOD. 27 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:50,418 THAT'S WHY I'D BE INVISIBLE TOO. - YEAH. 28 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,019 - I'D FLY. 29 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,922 [hip-hop music] 30 00:00:54,955 --> 00:00:58,359 * 31 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,361 - WHERE'S OUR CUSTOMER? 32 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:01,229 - HE'S ON THE THIRD FLOOR NEAR THE WEIGHT MACHINES. 33 00:01:01,262 --> 00:01:02,563 I'LL MEET YOU UP THERE. 34 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:04,265 - OH. - WHAT'S GOING ON? 35 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:05,633 - WAIT, WHAT'S-- 36 00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,634 - IT'S JUST A ROUTINE CHECK. 37 00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:08,269 NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. 38 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,438 HEY...HALF PRICE WHEATGRASS SHOTS RIGHT NOW 39 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:11,772 AT THE JUICE BAR, HUH? 40 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,374 - THIRD FLOOR? HOW BIG IS THIS PLACE? 41 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,809 - CONSIDERING THE WHOLE FIRST FLOOR WAS A JUICE BAR? 42 00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:17,645 - I SCOPED THIS PLACE OUT WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR A GYM. 43 00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:19,713 IT IS CRAZY EXPENSIVE. 44 00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:21,081 I WOULDN'T PAY THAT MUCH FOR RENT. 45 00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,284 AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY. 46 00:01:23,317 --> 00:01:25,419 "BRIAN, YOU DON'T PAY RENT; YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS. 47 00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:27,421 DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH RENTS ARE GOING FOR THESE DAYS?" 48 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:30,624 AND TO YOU, I WOULD SAY, "IF RENT IS ANYWHERE 49 00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:34,128 NEAR WHAT IT COSTS TO GO TO THIS GYM, NO, THANK YOU, RENT." 50 00:01:34,162 --> 00:01:36,397 MY GYM IS THE CHEAPEST GYM IN THE CITY. 51 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,799 IT'S GREAT, AND IT'S ALWAYS OPEN. 52 00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:41,335 WELL, SOMETIMES THEY CLOSE IT FOR QUINCEAÑER ON THE WEEKEND. 53 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:43,237 SOMETIMES IT JUST MYSTERIOUSLY SHUTS DOWN 54 00:01:43,271 --> 00:01:45,273 FOR DAYS AT A TIME, BUT IT ALWAYS COMES BACK. 55 00:01:45,306 --> 00:01:46,440 - THIS IS THE MOST HOT WOMEN I'VE EVER SEEN IN CHICAGO, 56 00:01:46,474 --> 00:01:47,441 PERIOD, LET ALONE IN ONE PLACE. 57 00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,109 - THERE ARE WOMEN HERE? 58 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:50,644 'CAUSE ALL I SEE ARE BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MEN. 59 00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,280 - THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I EVER WANTED TO DO THAT THING 60 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,647 THEY DO IN CARTOONS WHERE THEY RUB THEIR EYES 61 00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:55,082 AND OPEN THEM AGAIN JUST TO MAKE SURE 62 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,285 WHAT THEY'RE LOOKING AT IS REALLY HAPPENING. 63 00:01:57,318 --> 00:01:59,987 OH, SCREW IT. I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY. 64 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,823 [babbles, then laughs] 65 00:02:02,856 --> 00:02:04,358 THIS IS REAL, HANK. - IT'S REAL. 66 00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,328 - THIS IS REAL. - MM-HMM, IT'S HAPPENING. 67 00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:08,429 - GUYS! - HUH? 68 00:02:08,462 --> 00:02:10,498 - OVER HERE. - RIGHT. 69 00:02:13,367 --> 00:02:16,136 - [groans] 70 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,338 - IT'S THIS ASSHOLE'S FAULT. 71 00:02:17,371 --> 00:02:18,706 MACHINE ISN'T CALIBRATED. 72 00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,007 - SIR, IF YOU COULD JUST KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN-- 73 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:21,942 - I WILL NOT KEEP IT DOWN! 74 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:26,680 WITH THE PRICES I PAY, I EXPECT PROPER CALIBRATION! 75 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,516 THIS IS NOT PROPERLY CALIBRATED. 76 00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:29,950 - OKAY, GUYS, WE'RE LOOKING 77 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,286 AT A THIRD-DEGREE GROIN TEAR, POSSIBLY. 78 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,555 - MM-HMM. 79 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,191 - YOU BETTER LAWYER UP, 'CAUSE I'M COMING FOR YOU. 80 00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:39,827 YOU ARE GONNA PAY. [groans] 81 00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:44,332 OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH. COLD, COLD. 82 00:02:44,365 --> 00:02:45,666 AHH. - GIVE IT A MINUTE. 83 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,201 GIVE IT A MINUTE. GIVE IT A MINUTE. 84 00:02:47,235 --> 00:02:50,137 - [hisses] 85 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,038 - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 86 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,240 - LANCE. - REALLY, LANCE? 87 00:02:52,273 --> 00:02:53,741 LANCE. - YEAH, WHY? 88 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:55,376 - YOU JUST DON'T LOOK LIKE A LANCE. 89 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:56,710 NEVER WOULD'VE GUESSED. 90 00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:58,312 - WHAT ARE LANCES SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE? 91 00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:01,215 - LANCE ARMSTRONG, LANCE BASS, LANCE BURTON. 92 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,983 - WHO? 93 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:06,420 - MAGICIAN, HE RETIRED IN 2010 AT HIS ABSOLUTE PRIME. 94 00:03:06,454 --> 00:03:08,889 ANYWAYS, IT JUST SEEMS THAT ALL LANCES SHARE A CERTAIN, 95 00:03:08,922 --> 00:03:11,725 I DON'T KNOW, AERODYNAMIC BODY TYPE. 96 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,093 - YOU'RE SAYING I'M NOT AERODYNAMIC ENOUGH 97 00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,194 TO BE A LANCE? 98 00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,729 - IT'S NOT A BAD THING. 99 00:03:15,763 --> 00:03:16,664 YOU'D SMOKE THOSE GUYS IN UPPER BODY STRENGTH. 100 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,232 - YEAH, I WOULD. 101 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:20,534 ESPECIALLY ARMSTRONG. BICYCLE BITCH. 102 00:03:20,568 --> 00:03:23,871 - UH, BUT, LANCE, I'M NOTICING THAT YOU'VE GOT THIS LEG PRESS 103 00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,406 AWFULLY FULLY LOADED. 104 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:26,707 - YEAH, SO? 105 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:28,442 I CAN HANDLE IT. - REALLY? 106 00:03:28,476 --> 00:03:30,511 - WHEN THE MACHINE IS CALIBRATED RIGHT. 107 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,512 - REALLY? 108 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,614 THAT'S A LOT OF WEIGHTS. 109 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:36,450 - I KNOW, BUT I LIKE TO PUSH MYSELF. 110 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,118 THAT'S HOW YOU GET STRONG. 111 00:03:38,151 --> 00:03:40,354 - YOU KNOW, LANCE, SOMETIMES THE STRONGEST THING 112 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:44,892 A MAN CAN DO IS ADMIT WHEN HE'S CARRYING TOO MUCH WEIGHT. 113 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:49,763 - SOMETIMES I DO PUSH MYSELF TOO HARD, I GUESS. 114 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:52,099 - THAT'S THE AMAZING THING ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY, LANCE. 115 00:03:52,132 --> 00:03:54,268 IT'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN YOU NEED TO SLOW DOWN. 116 00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,537 YOU JUST GOT TO LISTEN TO IT, AM I RIGHT? 117 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,606 - I'VE JUST BEEN RUNNING TOO HARD FOR TOO LONG, MAN. 118 00:03:58,639 --> 00:04:02,443 - YEAH, YEAH, IT'S OKAY. RIGHT, GUYS? 119 00:04:02,476 --> 00:04:06,380 - UH-HUH. 120 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:09,717 - [mouths words] 121 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:12,653 - UNLIMITED PASSES TO THE SEXIEST GYM ON THE PLANET. 122 00:04:12,686 --> 00:04:13,654 BRIAN, YOU'RE THE FREAKING MAN. 123 00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:14,988 - YOU'RE THE CHAMP. 124 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,757 - CAN I SIT SHOTGUN TOMORROW? - NO. 125 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:18,258 - YOU KNOW, THAT GYM IS GONNA BE MY NEW HOME AWAY FROM HOME. 126 00:04:18,292 --> 00:04:19,827 WE WERE THERE FOR, WHAT, 127 00:04:19,860 --> 00:04:22,296 LIKE, TEN MINUTES, AND I SAW SIDE BOOB, TOP BOOB, 128 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:24,965 AND IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN, A LITTLE UNDER-BOOB. 129 00:04:24,998 --> 00:04:27,134 AND I GOT TO SAY, THAT'S A SPECIAL TREAT. 130 00:04:27,167 --> 00:04:29,002 DID YOU NOTICE THAT? - I DID NOT NOTICE THAT. 131 00:04:29,036 --> 00:04:31,739 BUT DID ANYONE ELSE HAPPEN TO CLOCK ALL THE D'ANGELO Vs 132 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:32,806 JUST WALKING AROUND? 133 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,274 - WHAT ARE D'ANGELO Vs? 134 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:35,843 - YOU KNOW, WHEN THE DUDE'S GOT ABS SO RIPPED, 135 00:04:35,876 --> 00:04:37,611 THEY GET THAT V-SHAPE RIGHT HERE. 136 00:04:37,645 --> 00:04:39,647 FIRST TIME I SAW IT WAS IN A D'ANGELO MUSIC VIDEO 137 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,981 FROM, LIKE, 15 YEARS AGO. 138 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,584 HE WAS ALL NAKED AND ALONE IN THE DARK, SWEATING, 139 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,985 FOR SOME REASON SPINNING. 140 00:04:45,018 --> 00:04:46,820 AND HE HAD THOSE ABS SO RIPPED, 141 00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:47,921 LOOKED LIKE A SEXY G.I. JOE. 142 00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,623 - DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THAT. 143 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,124 - WELL, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT UNDER-BOOB. 144 00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,593 I DON'T CARE FOR IT. - WHAT ABOUT ASSES? 145 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,261 - WELL, I LOVE ASSES. - EVERYONE LOVES ASSES. 146 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,195 - YOU'RE RIGHT. EVERYONE LOVES ASSES. 147 00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,530 - WE CAN ALL AGREE ON ASSES. 148 00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:57,698 - ASSES ARE THE SEXUAL TOWN SQUARE. 149 00:04:57,731 --> 00:04:59,667 - ASSES UNITE US. 150 00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:02,970 - * WE GOT FREE PASSES TO CHECK OUT SOME FINE ASSES * 151 00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:05,673 * GONNA GET MY OPERA GLASSES TO LOOK AT ALL THEM BUTTS * 152 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:06,674 - THEM WHAT? - BUTTS. 153 00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,975 - MM. - BUTTS. 154 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,543 - MM. - BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTT-BUTTS. 155 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:11,044 - AH! - [chuckles] 156 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,347 - YOU GUYS, I DIDN'T NOTICE ANY BUTTS. 157 00:05:13,381 --> 00:05:15,015 - HUH? - NOT ONE. 158 00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:16,850 - YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME YOU DIDN'T CHECK OUT 159 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,786 ONE GIRL ON THAT CALL? 160 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:21,689 - NO. WHOA. 161 00:05:21,722 --> 00:05:23,891 YOU GUYS, I THINK ALL THIS NOT HAVING SEX WITH VOO 162 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,793 MIGHT HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO ME. 163 00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:29,029 - WHAT, YOU THINK THAT DATING AN ASEXUAL MADE YOU BUTT-BLIND? 164 00:05:29,062 --> 00:05:30,564 - I DON'T KNOW, BUT SOMETHING'S DEFINITELY DIFFERENT. 165 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:31,732 - YOU CAN'T CHANGE YOUR SEXUALITY. 166 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:32,966 - HOW DO YOU KNOW, HANK? 167 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,135 - JUST LET IT--JUST-- 168 00:05:35,168 --> 00:05:38,338 - I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THAT I'VE CHANGED MY SEXUALITY, 169 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:41,542 MORE LIKE TRANSCENDED IT. 170 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,544 YEAH, I THINK THAT'S IT. 171 00:05:43,577 --> 00:05:46,079 I AM A TRANSCENDUAL. 172 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:48,048 - OKAY, WHAT EXACTLY DOES THAT MEAN? 173 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:52,753 - MEANS THAT, WELL, I WAS BORN SEXUAL LIKE YOU GUYS, 174 00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:55,989 AND THEN I JUST-- I SORT OF... 175 00:05:56,023 --> 00:05:58,559 - THAT MAKES SENSE. - SO YOU--AND YOU JUST--SEE? 176 00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,761 HE CAME UP HERE, LIKE, ABOVE US. - YEAH, ABOVE US. 177 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:04,565 - AND I GOT TO TELL YOU GUYS, I'M EXCITED. 178 00:06:04,598 --> 00:06:06,366 BACK WHEN I WAS SEXUAL, IT WAS HARD 179 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,669 TO EVEN GET THROUGH A MAGAZINE. 180 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,671 OUR CULTURE IS JUST CONSTANTLY 181 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:12,506 ASSAULTING US WITH ATTRACTIVE PEOPLE. 182 00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,576 - YEAH. - THANKS, CULTURE. MM. 183 00:06:15,609 --> 00:06:17,010 - SOME OF THESE GIRLS AREN'T EVEN WEARING THONGS 184 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:17,745 OR ANYTHING, I'M TELLING YOU. 185 00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,847 - OH, SHH, SHH. - HEY. 186 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,582 - WHAT UP, GUYS? - WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL? 187 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,951 - OH, BRIAN IS A TRANSCENDUAL. - OH, THAT'S DOPE. 188 00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,118 I DIDN'T KNOW THAT ABOUT YOU. - WHAT? 189 00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:26,554 - ARE YOU GONNA CHANGE YOUR NAME? 190 00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:27,721 - OH, NO, HE DIDN'T SAY TRANSSEXUAL. 191 00:06:27,755 --> 00:06:29,857 HE SAID TRANSCENDUAL. - HMM. 192 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,092 - I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT THAT'S COOL TOO, MAN. 193 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:33,627 I GOT MAD RESPECT FOR SELF-IDENTIFICATION. 194 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,962 - WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE? 195 00:06:34,995 --> 00:06:36,296 - A WITNESS INTERVIEW FOR A HIT-AND-RUN. 196 00:06:36,329 --> 00:06:38,198 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO? 197 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:41,368 - WE GOT FREE LIFETIME PASSES TO THE BIG GYM IN LINCOLN PARK. 198 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,903 - THE FANCY GYM? - YEAH. 199 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:44,738 - NO WAY! 200 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:46,139 MICHELLE OBAMA GOES TO THAT GYM. 201 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:47,608 - MM-HMM, HER BODY IS * FINE 202 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,376 - I HAVE BEEN WANTING TO GO THERE FOREVER, 203 00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:51,645 BUT IT'S JUST SO GODDAMN EXPENSIVE, SO-- 204 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:52,980 - I KNOW. IT SUCKS. 205 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:54,715 AND OBVIOUSLY I'D LOVE TO WORK OUT 206 00:06:54,748 --> 00:06:56,149 WITH MY BEAUTIFUL GIRLFRIEND NEXT TO ME THE WHOLE TIME, 207 00:06:56,183 --> 00:06:57,651 BUT WE ONLY GOT THESE THREE PASSES, 208 00:06:57,685 --> 00:06:59,219 AND LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S CRAZY EXPENSIVE. 209 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,388 SO IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS, I GUESS. 210 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:02,590 TOUGH BREAK. 211 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:03,991 - SHE CAN HAVE MINE. - HMM? 212 00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:05,626 - YEAH, I MEAN, I DON'T NEED IT ANYMORE 213 00:07:05,659 --> 00:07:07,461 NOW THAT I'M TRANSCENDUAL AND I DON'T SEE HOTNESS. 214 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:10,263 - DO YOU MIND EXPLAINING THIS WHOLE TRANSCENDUAL THING? 215 00:07:10,297 --> 00:07:11,632 - YO, T, DON'T ASK TOO MANY QUESTIONS. 216 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:14,101 YOU MAY SAY SOMETHING OFFENSIVE OR STUPID. 217 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:17,004 - WHATEVER. UH, FANCY GYM-- 218 00:07:17,037 --> 00:07:18,506 LET'S GO TONIGHT AFTER WORK, HUH? 219 00:07:18,539 --> 00:07:19,840 - GREAT. - GREAT. 220 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,074 OKAY, WELL, WE HAVE TO GO. 221 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,510 BUT THANK YOU, BRIAN. 222 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,977 - BRIAN-- - I SUPPORT YOU. 223 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,579 - THANK YOU, BUDDY. THAT MEANS EVERYTHING. 224 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,848 - YEAH, YOU'RE EVERYTHING. 225 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:29,416 - SOLVING PROBLEMS. 226 00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,651 - SO CLOSE. 227 00:07:30,684 --> 00:07:31,685 JUST SAW IT AND JUST SMASHED IT. 228 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,186 JUST SMASHED IT. 229 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,922 - DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING I SAID UP THERE? 230 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,690 - OH, WHAT A DAY. WE'RE OFF TO A GOOD START. 231 00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:37,858 - WE'RE OFF TO A SH---Y START. - HERE WE GO. 232 00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:38,959 HERE WE GO. - HE'S HOPPING. 233 00:07:44,297 --> 00:07:46,266 - YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAID WE COULD NEVER REALLY BE 234 00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:48,435 BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND BECAUSE YOU'RE ASEXUAL AND I'M NOT, 235 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,671 AND IT WOULDN'T WORK OUT IN THE LONG TERM 236 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:53,641 BECAUSE EVENTUALLY ONE OR BOTH OF US WOULD GET HURT? 237 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,976 - YEAH, I REMEMBER HAVING THAT CONVERSATION 238 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,377 SEVERAL HUNDRED TIMES. 239 00:07:57,410 --> 00:08:00,180 - WELL, I HAVE SOME PRETTY BIG NEWS. 240 00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:03,517 I HAVE TRANSCENDED MY SEXUALITY. 241 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,953 - OKAY. 242 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,555 SO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE NEVER GONNA WANT TO HAVE SEX AGAIN? 243 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:09,857 - YEP. 244 00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,659 - THAT IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU'RE EVER GONNA BE THINKING ABOUT? 245 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:13,561 - CORRECT. 246 00:08:13,594 --> 00:08:14,928 - GREAT. 247 00:08:17,765 --> 00:08:19,633 STRIP CLUB. 248 00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,168 WE'RE GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB. WHO'S IN? 249 00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,036 - CAN'T, BANNED. CITYWIDE. 250 00:08:23,070 --> 00:08:24,705 ALSO IN SKOKIE. 251 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:25,973 DO NOT ASK. - GIRLFRIEND. 252 00:08:26,006 --> 00:08:26,974 - GAY. - LAME. 253 00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,742 CASH? - NO, THANK YOU. 254 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:32,079 STRIP CLUBS ARE FOR YOUNG MEN WHO LACK IMAGINATION. 255 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:34,414 MY AGE, I CAN RUB UP AGAINST A COOL BREEZE 256 00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:35,816 AND GET EXCITED. 257 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:37,585 THE CRACK OF DAWN TURNS ME ON, BABY. 258 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,920 [laughs] 259 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,423 OR SOMETIMES JUST A PERFECTLY RIPE TOMATO WILL DO THE TRICK. 260 00:08:43,456 --> 00:08:46,193 NOW THE WHOLE WORLD IS MY STRIP CLUB. 261 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:47,327 - DON'T LOOK AT ME. I HATE STRIP CLUBS. 262 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:48,996 - OH, I HEAR THAT. THEY BUM ME OUT. 263 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:51,932 ALL THEM SINGLE MOMS DANCING TO FEED THEIR KIDS. 264 00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,067 EVERY TIME I'VE GONE, I END UP DROPPING MORE BILLS IN G-STRINGS 265 00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,036 THAN THE STRAIGHT MEN. 266 00:08:56,069 --> 00:08:57,705 I'D PUT SCHOOL SUPPLIES IN THERE TOO IF THERE WAS ROOM. 267 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,708 - NO, IT'S NOT THAT THEY BUM ME OUT. 268 00:09:00,741 --> 00:09:04,778 AH, IT'S JUST--WELL, I'M KIND OF A STRIPPER MAGNET. 269 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:06,747 - EXPLAIN. 270 00:09:06,780 --> 00:09:07,948 - IN DETAIL. 271 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:08,916 - I WISH I COULD. 272 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,118 THERE IS JUST SOMETHING ABOUT ME 273 00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,386 THAT MAKES STRIPPERS WANT TO START UNLOADING THEIR PROBLEMS. 274 00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,123 AND TRUST ME, THESE GIRLS HAVE PROBLEMS. 275 00:09:16,156 --> 00:09:19,226 SO IT'S NOT ALL GLITTER AND GLAMOUR LIKE YOU THINK. 276 00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:21,094 - LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME, KID. 277 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:30,237 - CAN'T BELIEVE THERESA'S COMING. 278 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,805 THIS WAS GONNA BE OUR SPECIAL PLACE. 279 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,807 IT'S PERFECT. - I KNOW. 280 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,743 IT'S LIKE A GAY BAR AND A STRAIGHT BAR ROLLED INTO ONE, 281 00:09:35,776 --> 00:09:37,310 EXCEPT EVERYBODY'S WEARING 282 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,879 TIGHTER CLOTHES AND LESS OF THEM. 283 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,313 - TAKE ALL THE FUN OUT OF IT. 284 00:09:40,347 --> 00:09:42,415 NOW I GOT TO WORRY ABOUT ALL THESE SHALLOW SCUMBAGS 285 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,084 CHECKING OUT MY GIRL-- OH, MY GOD. 286 00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:46,086 CHECK OUT PINK SHORTS. 287 00:09:46,119 --> 00:09:48,088 THAT IS A ROCK-SOLID TEN. 288 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,589 - MAYBE SHE'S A TEN ON THE STREET, 289 00:09:49,623 --> 00:09:50,824 BUT IN HERE, THAT GIRL'S A SEVEN AT BEST. 290 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,392 - WHAT? 291 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,427 IF THAT'S A SEVEN, SHOW ME A DIME. 292 00:09:54,461 --> 00:09:56,797 - THAT ANGEL RIGHT OVER THERE DOING LEG LIFTS. 293 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:57,965 LIFTING MY SPIRITS. 294 00:09:57,998 --> 00:09:59,833 HE'S A TEN. - THAT GUY? 295 00:09:59,867 --> 00:10:01,601 I MEAN, HIS BODY, SURE, BUT HIS FACE IS KIND OF JOWLY 296 00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,770 IS ALL I'M SAYING. 297 00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,937 - HE HAS A FACE? 298 00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:04,938 - OH, MY GOD. 299 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:06,273 OH, MY GOD. 300 00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,507 PURPLE TOP. 301 00:10:07,540 --> 00:10:09,743 HER BOOBS ARE, UM, 302 00:10:09,777 --> 00:10:12,345 I'M GONNA USE THE WORD BUOYANT. - OOH, NICE WORD CHOICE. 303 00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:13,814 - THANK YOU. YOU LIKE IT? - YES. 304 00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:14,982 - WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER ONE? - PLEASE. 305 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,283 - BLACK SHORTS, BLACK TOP. 306 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:17,851 HER ASS? - HIT ME. 307 00:10:17,885 --> 00:10:19,853 - TIDY. - [laughs] 308 00:10:19,887 --> 00:10:21,689 OOH, WHAT ABOUT HER ASS? 309 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,123 - OKAY, WELL, HER-- 310 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,092 DO YOU KNOW LATIN? 'CAUSE-- - HEY, GUYS. 311 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,960 - WHOA, HEY, THERESA. - HEY. 312 00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,495 - WHAT'S GOING ON? 313 00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,697 HERE SHE IS. 314 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,198 NOW THE FUN CAN START. - YEAH. 315 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:34,034 - YOU LOOK SO PRETTY TODAY. SO PRETTY. 316 00:10:34,067 --> 00:10:37,771 - OH, THANK YOU. - YEAH. 317 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:40,007 - WAY TO STROLL, GUYS. 318 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,008 - [laughs] YEAH. 319 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,443 - COME ON! [laughs] 320 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,212 OH, MY GOD, LOOK AT THE GIRL IN THE PURPLE TOP. 321 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:48,615 - WHAT? WHERE? - THE ONE WITH THE PERKY BOOBS. 322 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,317 CHECK OUT HER TRICEPS. 323 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,452 I COULD DO A HUNDRED DIPS A DAY 324 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,955 AND NEVER HAVE TRICEPS LIKE THAT. 325 00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,323 - YOU'VE GOT AMAZING TRICEPS. 326 00:10:56,356 --> 00:10:57,858 DOESN'T SHE, HANK? - UH-HUH. 327 00:10:57,891 --> 00:10:59,827 - AND HER ASS. [whistles] 328 00:10:59,860 --> 00:11:01,995 SHE MUST DO SQUATS IN HER SLEEP. 329 00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,530 SHE'S GORGEOUS. 330 00:11:03,563 --> 00:11:04,197 - NO ONE'S HOTTER THAN YOU, BABY. 331 00:11:04,231 --> 00:11:05,899 - STOP COMPLIMENTING ME. 332 00:11:05,933 --> 00:11:07,835 IT'S WEIRD. 333 00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:09,903 - OH, EXCUSE ME. 334 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:11,571 I JUST REMEMBERED THERE'S A STEAM ROOM 335 00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:14,141 THAT I'M HOPING INVOLVES SOME VERY CLEAR STEAM. 336 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,242 - HEY. 337 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,744 - WHAT? - CHECK OUT THAT GIRL. 338 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:18,245 SHE'S CUT. 339 00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:20,981 THERE ARE NO WOMEN LIKE THAT AT THE COP GYM. 340 00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,516 IT'S INSPIRING. 341 00:11:23,550 --> 00:11:26,586 MAKES ME WANT TO UP MY WORKOUT GAME, YOU KNOW? 342 00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:29,656 I'M GONNA COME HERE EVERY NIGHT. - OH, COOL. 343 00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:31,391 THAT'S SO COOL. 344 00:11:31,424 --> 00:11:32,926 WHAT ABOUT THAT BOOK CLUB-- 345 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,661 - HONEY, WHO DO YOU THINK HAS BETTER MUSCLE TONE? 346 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,063 YELLOW SNEAKERS OR SIDE BRAID? 347 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:37,497 - I'M SURE I HAVE NO IDEA. 348 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,266 - OH, YOU CAN'T SEE THOSE GIRLS EITHER? 349 00:11:39,299 --> 00:11:40,100 - I DON'T COME TO THE GYM TO CHECK OUT WOMEN. 350 00:11:40,133 --> 00:11:41,769 - NEITHER DO I. 351 00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:43,670 DOESN'T HURT TO LOOK WHILE I'M HERE. 352 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,038 - YOU DON'T CHECK OUT THE GUYS? 353 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:46,006 - NO, THAT'S WHAT I GO TO WHOLE FOODS FOR. 354 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,540 - WHAT? 355 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,277 - COME ON, YELLOW SNEAKERS, SIDE BRAID, GO. 356 00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:51,945 - I'M NOT ANSWERING THIS. 357 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:55,048 - YOU ARE REALLY TAKING THE FUN OUT OF FANCY GYM, YOU KNOW THAT? 358 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:56,716 - WH-- 359 00:11:56,750 --> 00:11:58,185 - IT'S YELLOW SNEAKERS, BY THE WAY. 360 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:01,088 [R&B music] 361 00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:04,391 * 362 00:12:04,424 --> 00:12:05,692 - HOW IS THIS EVEN LEGAL? 363 00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,094 - THEY'RE NOT EVEN TOPLESS, BRIAN. 364 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:09,129 - NOT THAT. $10 FOR A WATER. 365 00:12:09,162 --> 00:12:10,964 $3 FOR A LEMON SLICE. 366 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,966 THIS IS--[scoffs] THIS IS ROBBERY. 367 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,102 - EXCUSE ME, WE NEED A STRIPPER OVER HERE. 368 00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,204 - OH, AND SURE, THEY GIVE YOU FREE PEANUTS 369 00:12:17,237 --> 00:12:18,906 BECAUSE THEY WANT YOU TO BUY THE WATER. 370 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,073 I KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. 371 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,910 I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM WIN. 372 00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,745 - MY FRIEND HERE WILL HAVE ONE LAP DANCE, PLEASE. 373 00:12:25,779 --> 00:12:28,281 - AWESOME. 374 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,150 WHAT'S YOUR NAME? - BRIAN. 375 00:12:30,183 --> 00:12:32,886 EXCUSE ME, MISS, BUT I JUST HAVE TO ASK. 376 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,988 HOW MUCH IS A BURGER HERE? - I DON'T KNOW. 377 00:12:35,022 --> 00:12:37,991 I DON'T EAT HERE. 378 00:12:38,025 --> 00:12:39,793 - SHE WANTS YOU TO PUT MONEY IN THERE. 379 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:41,594 - OH, YEAH. I ONLY HAVE A 20. 380 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:44,497 DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE ANY CHANGE OR... 381 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:45,933 - I'M DANCING PRETTY HARD FOR YOU HERE. 382 00:12:45,966 --> 00:12:47,267 I COULD REALLY USE SOME ENCOURAGEMENT. 383 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,136 - OKAY. 384 00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:53,106 ALL RIGHT. UH... 385 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:55,308 - WHAT THE HELL, MAN? - OKAY, FORGET HIM. 386 00:12:55,342 --> 00:12:58,812 NEW PLAN. DO ME. 387 00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,013 MM. 388 00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,181 OH, YEAH. 389 00:13:01,214 --> 00:13:02,983 HOW ABOUT THIS, BRIAN? HUH? 390 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:05,352 A LITTLE GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION? 391 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,254 IS THIS DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU? 392 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,356 - OH, EXCUSE ME, MISS, 393 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,424 BUT IS HER DANCE GONNA BE EXTRA? 394 00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:13,126 - YEAH. TWO LAP DANCES, TWO PEOPLE. 395 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:18,465 THAT'S 80 BUCKS. - 80 DOLL--[coughs] 396 00:13:18,498 --> 00:13:20,467 - HEY, THIS GUY NEEDS A WATER. 397 00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,302 - [coughing] NO, NO, NO! 398 00:13:22,335 --> 00:13:23,203 I'M FINE. - OKAY. 399 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,906 - NO WATER. [coughs] 400 00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:32,212 - I MEAN, THAT GIRL HAS THE BEST THIGHS I'VE SEEN 401 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:33,813 SINCE SERENA WILLIAMS. 402 00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:36,483 POWERFUL BUT LEAN. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 403 00:13:36,516 --> 00:13:38,318 - I THINK SHE HAS NICE THIGHS. 404 00:13:38,351 --> 00:13:42,055 I BET SHE EVEN HAS A NICE BRAIN. - OH, PLEASE. 405 00:13:42,089 --> 00:13:43,656 - I'M SORRY, I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER WOMAN'S THIGHS 406 00:13:43,690 --> 00:13:44,958 WITH MY GIRLFRIEND-- IT'S WEIRD. 407 00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,894 - OH, RIGHT, BUT IT WOULD BE LESS WEIRD 408 00:13:46,927 --> 00:13:49,029 IF YOU CAME TO THE GYM AND CHECKED OUT GIRLS WITH HANK? 409 00:13:49,062 --> 00:13:50,730 - YEAH, HONESTLY, IT WOULD BE. 410 00:13:50,763 --> 00:13:52,199 THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS YOU JUST DON'T TALK ABOUT 411 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,000 WITH THE PERSON YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH. 412 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,734 - OH, COME ON. 413 00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,636 - I'M SORRY. IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE. 414 00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,005 I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT OTHER GUYS. 415 00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,874 - THAT IS BECAUSE YOU FEEL THREATENED. 416 00:14:00,908 --> 00:14:03,143 [laughs] - YEAH, AND THAT'S NORMAL. 417 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,244 HOW COME YOU DON'T FEEL THREATENED 418 00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,578 ABOUT ME LOOKING AT OTHER WOMEN? 419 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:06,980 - 'CAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY, 420 00:14:07,014 --> 00:14:10,417 I KNOW YOU'RE COMING HOME WITH ME. 421 00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:12,519 TELL ME THAT GIRL DOESN'T HAVE AMAZING ABS. 422 00:14:12,552 --> 00:14:14,354 - SLIPPERY SLOPE, BABY. 423 00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,855 IT'S A SLIPPERY SLOPE. - WE HAVE TO LEAVE. 424 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:18,658 WE HAVE TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW. - WHY? 425 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:21,261 - I WAS IN THE STEAM ROOM, AND IT WAS GREAT AT FIRST. 426 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,063 I WAS CHECKING OUT ALL THE HOT GUYS. 427 00:14:23,096 --> 00:14:25,598 ALL THE HOT GUYS WERE CHECKING OUT ALL THE OTHER HOT GUYS. 428 00:14:25,632 --> 00:14:28,902 AND THEN I NOTICED NO ONE WAS CHECKING OUT ME. 429 00:14:28,936 --> 00:14:30,037 NO ONE HAS CHECKED ME OUT SINCE I STEPPED FOOT 430 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:32,205 IN THIS GYM, JOHNNY. 431 00:14:32,239 --> 00:14:33,406 ON THE STREETS OF CHICAGO, I'M A TALL, HANDSOME DRINK OF WATER. 432 00:14:33,440 --> 00:14:34,741 IN HERE, I'M JUST TALL. 433 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:37,077 - I AM SURE SOMEONE HAS CHECKED YOU OUT. 434 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:38,578 - I DON'T KNOW. 435 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,746 - I'M SURE WE HAVE ALL BEEN CHECKED OUT. 436 00:14:39,779 --> 00:14:41,214 - I DON'T KNOW. LOOK AROUND. 437 00:14:41,248 --> 00:14:44,884 THIS PLACE IS A TOTAL MEAT MARKET. 438 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:46,386 AND WE JUST VEGETABLES. 439 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:48,188 - I ALWAYS GET CHECKED OUT AT THE COP GYM, 440 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,889 BY MEN AND WOMEN. - YEAH, THAT'S THE COP GYM. 441 00:14:49,923 --> 00:14:51,691 LOOK AROUND. THIS IS A WHOLE OTHER LEVEL. 442 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:53,626 - WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU TWO? 443 00:14:53,660 --> 00:14:55,095 WHY CAN'T YOU JUST ENJOY THE VIEW? 444 00:14:55,128 --> 00:14:57,130 WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE ON THE MENU? 445 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,232 - BECAUSE THE GYM IS WHERE I GO TO--TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF. 446 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,134 - RIGHT, IT'S A WHOLE BOOST. 447 00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:02,135 - YOU WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, 448 00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,803 GO TO NAVY PIER OR THE ZOO. 449 00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:05,205 IT'S A BUNCH OF FAT PEOPLE EATING FUNNEL CAKES. 450 00:15:05,238 --> 00:15:07,140 - NOT FOR NOTHING, 451 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,242 EVEN STRAIGHT GIRLS CHECK ME OUT AT THE GYM SOMETIMES. 452 00:15:09,276 --> 00:15:11,478 - YOU KNOW WHAT? 453 00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:13,480 IT'S BECAUSE JOHN AND I HAVE BEEN TOGETHER THE WHOLE TIME. 454 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:14,982 - OKAY. - OH. 455 00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,149 AM I BRINGING DOWN YOUR AVERAGE? 456 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:18,085 - GIVE ME SOME SPACE, BABE. GOD. 457 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:21,989 - GO, SOAR. 458 00:15:22,022 --> 00:15:26,159 - OH, OFF THE SHOULDER, OKAY. 459 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,295 - OH, YEAH. THERE SHE GOES. 460 00:15:28,328 --> 00:15:29,963 - OH. - SHE MOVED DOWN. 461 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:32,765 OH, SHE'S MOONING THE GUY NEXT TO HER. 462 00:15:32,799 --> 00:15:34,501 SHE'S BACKING THE MOON INTO HIS FACE. 463 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:35,969 - OKAY, JUST-- 464 00:15:36,003 --> 00:15:38,071 - OH, IS THAT A YAWN? - OOH. 465 00:15:38,105 --> 00:15:39,172 - HE LOOKED AT HER ASS AND YAWNED. 466 00:15:39,206 --> 00:15:42,509 - OH, GIRL, YOU KNOW THAT HURT. 467 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:44,244 - OH, SHE'S NOT GIVING UP, THOUGH, IS SHE? 468 00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:45,945 - OOH, GIRL. 469 00:15:49,149 --> 00:15:53,186 - OH, I THINK SHE MIGHT HAVE PULLED SOMETHING THERE. 470 00:15:53,220 --> 00:15:55,755 SHE'S GONNA GO FOR THE DUAL CABLE CROSS. 471 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:56,990 - THAT'S RIGHT. SHAKE IT OFF, GIRL. 472 00:15:57,024 --> 00:15:58,258 SHAKE IT OFF. YOU CAN DO IT. - YEAH. 473 00:15:58,291 --> 00:15:59,859 THIS IS A CLASSICALLY SEXY MACHINE. 474 00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,595 DUDE--OH, HERE COMES A GUY-- AND NOTHING. 475 00:16:02,629 --> 00:16:04,364 - OH. - SWING AND A MISS. 476 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:06,199 HEY, SWEETIE, LET'S GO, HONEY. 477 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,534 - GIVE ME A SECOND! - NOPE, SWEETIE. 478 00:16:07,567 --> 00:16:08,468 LET'S GO. 479 00:16:08,501 --> 00:16:10,370 - NO, JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE. 480 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:11,971 - JUST LET HER WORK THROUGH IT. I'LL BUY YOU A SHOT. 481 00:16:12,005 --> 00:16:13,506 - ONE OF THOSE WHEATGRASS THINGS? 482 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,042 - HELL, NO. TEQUILA, IT'S A BAR NEXT DOOR. 483 00:16:15,075 --> 00:16:16,476 - OH, MAYBE THAT CAN BE OUR SPECIAL PLACE. 484 00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,011 YEAH, YEAH, LET'S DO IT. - LET'S GO. YES. 485 00:16:18,045 --> 00:16:19,679 - SCREW FANCY GYM. 486 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,483 - AHH. 487 00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:25,452 NOTHING TASTES AS GOOD AS FREE. 488 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:29,022 DO YOU REALIZE THAT OUR WHOLE MEAL IS HALF THE PRICE 489 00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:31,124 OF ONE STRIPPER WATER WITH LEMON? 490 00:16:31,158 --> 00:16:33,293 - COOL. 491 00:16:33,326 --> 00:16:34,794 - WHAT'S WRONG, V.D.? 492 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,563 - BRIAN, I TOLD YOU, THAT IS A TERRIBLE NICKNAME. 493 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,565 - SORRY, VOO-VOO. 494 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,233 - YOU DO KNOW THAT VOODOO IS ALREADY A NICKNAME, RIGHT? 495 00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:42,001 - I THOUGHT YOU'D BE HAPPIER. 496 00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:44,237 NOW THAT I'VE PROVEN THAT I'M NOT SEXUAL ANYMORE, 497 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:46,005 WE CAN OFFICIALLY BE BOYFRIEND-GIRLFRIEND. 498 00:16:46,039 --> 00:16:47,674 - BRIAN, YOU DIDN'T PROVE ANYTHING. 499 00:16:47,707 --> 00:16:49,676 - I DIDN'T GET TURNED ON AT THE STRIP CLUB. 500 00:16:49,709 --> 00:16:51,511 - 'CAUSE YOU'RE CHEAP, NOT 'CAUSE YOU'RE ASEXUAL. 501 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:53,313 - TRANSCENDUAL. 502 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:55,215 - THIS SUCKS. 503 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,050 I LIKE YOU A LOT. 504 00:16:57,084 --> 00:16:58,918 AND YOU CLEARLY LIKE ME ENOUGH TO BELIEVE 505 00:16:58,951 --> 00:17:01,020 THAT YOU COULD ACTUALLY CHANGE SOMETHING VERY MAJOR 506 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,255 ABOUT YOURSELF FOR ME. 507 00:17:02,289 --> 00:17:04,091 - I KNOW THAT YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, 508 00:17:04,124 --> 00:17:06,226 BUT I THINK I REALLY DID CHANGE. 509 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,161 - OKAY, 510 00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,163 I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS. 511 00:17:10,197 --> 00:17:12,232 AND KNOW THAT THIS MEANS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING FOR ME, 512 00:17:12,265 --> 00:17:14,101 BUT... 513 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:20,207 HOW YOU FEELING OVER THERE? 514 00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:21,574 - FEELING PRETTY TRANSCENDUAL. 515 00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:28,581 - WHAT'S YOUR PHONE NUMBER? 516 00:17:28,615 --> 00:17:33,553 - UM, 312-4... - NO. 517 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,588 - 6--YOU KNOW, 518 00:17:35,622 --> 00:17:39,058 THIS REALLY ISN'T FAIR BECAUSE CELLULAR TECHNOLOGY 519 00:17:39,092 --> 00:17:40,527 HAS MADE REMEMBERING PHONE NUMBERS 520 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:43,096 A SKILL OF THE PAST. 521 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,300 THIS MEAN THAT WE'RE BREAKING UP? 522 00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:48,768 - IT MEANS WE'RE NOT GOING DOWN THE ROAD 523 00:17:48,801 --> 00:17:50,270 WHERE WE BREAK UP EVENTUALLY. 524 00:17:50,303 --> 00:17:52,305 - SO WE CAN'T HANG OUT AND TALK ANYMORE? 525 00:17:52,339 --> 00:17:53,940 - WE CAN STILL HANG OUT AND TALK. 526 00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,409 - BUT WE CAN'T GO TO MOVIES TOGETHER ANYMORE? 527 00:17:56,443 --> 00:17:58,077 - I MEAN, I STILL LIKE MOVIES. 528 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:01,080 - BUT WE CAN'T NOT HAVE SEX AFTER THE MOVIE ANYMORE? 529 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,815 - WE WILL STILL NOT BE HAVING SEX. 530 00:18:02,849 --> 00:18:05,485 - SO WHAT, I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR FRIEND 531 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:08,488 AND DO ALL THE THINGS THAT WE LOVE TO DO TOGETHER? 532 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,590 INSTEAD OF BEING CELIBATE WITH YOU, 533 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:13,293 I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO OFF AND HAVE SEX WITH OTHER WOMEN? 534 00:18:13,326 --> 00:18:15,762 - YEAH, THAT'S THE BASIC SUMMARY. 535 00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:18,331 - OH. - HERE'S THE CHECK. 536 00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:20,933 AND A TWO-FOR-ONE COUPON FOR THE COFFEES. 537 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,769 I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM OUT, 538 00:18:22,802 --> 00:18:25,505 BUT I JUST CAN'T STAND TO SEE ANYBODY MISS OUT ON A BARGAIN. 539 00:18:25,538 --> 00:18:27,807 - THANK YOU. I'M THE SAME WAY. 540 00:18:27,840 --> 00:18:30,277 - JUST, UM, DON'T TELL MY BOSS. 541 00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:38,285 - SORRY. - DON'T BE, SHE'S CUTE. 542 00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,486 YOU SHOULD GO ASK FOR HER NUMBER. 543 00:18:39,519 --> 00:18:41,087 - REALLY? - YEAH. 544 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,655 AND SHE SEEMS LIKE A CHEAP DATE. 545 00:18:42,689 --> 00:18:46,493 - I JUST FEEL REALLY WEIRD, VOO. 546 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:49,796 I'LL JUST GO PAY. 547 00:18:49,829 --> 00:18:54,133 AND MAYBE I WILL THANK HER FOR THE COUPON IF THAT IS OKAY. 548 00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:57,003 - YEAH, OF COURSE. GO. 549 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:02,709 - HEY, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS. 550 00:19:02,742 --> 00:19:05,312 [indistinct chatter] 551 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,320 20 SHOULD DO IT. THANK YOU SO MUCH. 552 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,160 - OH, IT IS NICE TO BE TENS AGAIN. 553 00:19:21,194 --> 00:19:23,496 - MAYBE A TEN OUT IN THE REGULAR WORLD. 554 00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:26,299 HERE WE ARE SOLID 12s. - MM. 555 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:27,500 LET'S TAKE A LAP. 556 00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:29,702 - YEAH. - [sighs] 557 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:31,404 JOHNNY'S MISSING OUT. 558 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,306 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S STILL GOING TO THAT SUPERFICIAL GYM. 559 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:34,874 - [laughs] I KNOW. 560 00:19:34,907 --> 00:19:37,710 I'M SO GLAD THAT WE GAVE OUR PASSES AWAY. 561 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,248 SHOULD WE GET A FUNNEL CAKE? 562 00:19:41,281 --> 00:19:43,216 - I THINK WE EARNED IT. 563 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,388 - ONE. TWO. 564 00:19:48,421 --> 00:19:50,690 - WELL, I CAN DEFINITELY SEE HOTNESS AGAIN. 565 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:52,659 - WELCOME BACK, BRIAN. SORRY ABOUT VOODOO, THOUGH. 566 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,428 - I THINK IT'LL BE A WHILE BEFORE I'M READY TO LOVE AGAIN, 567 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,563 BUT I AM READY TO LOOK AGAIN. 568 00:19:56,596 --> 00:19:58,731 - HEY, GUYS. - HEY. 569 00:19:58,765 --> 00:20:00,367 - LANCE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 570 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:01,501 YOU HAVE A SEVERE GROIN TEAR. 571 00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,336 YOU SHOULD NOT BE WORKING OUT. 572 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:04,871 - PEOPLE HAVE BEEN TELLING ME "NO" MY WHOLE LIFE. 573 00:20:04,904 --> 00:20:06,506 IT FUELS ME. I THRIVE ON IT. 574 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,707 - AND IT SHOWS, MAN. 575 00:20:07,740 --> 00:20:10,009 YOU SWOLL AS SH--. 576 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,512 DANG. YOUR TRAPS ARE CRAZY, BRO. 577 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,081 THEY LOOK LIKE WATERSLIDES DOWN TO YOUR SHOULDERS. 578 00:20:15,114 --> 00:20:17,584 YO, HOW YOU FIT INTO YOUR SHIRTS, BRO? 579 00:20:17,617 --> 00:20:19,886 - I'VE GOT A TAILOR, THIS OLD HUNGARIAN DUDE. 580 00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:22,255 USED TO FIT FRANK THOMAS. 581 00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:23,390 - THE BIG HURT? 582 00:20:23,423 --> 00:20:25,024 YO, DROP ME HIS CARD, BRO. 583 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,125 - YOU GUYS GONNA BE WORKING OUT HERE? 584 00:20:26,158 --> 00:20:27,193 - LIFETIME PASSES. 585 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:28,895 - ALL RIGHT. 586 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,297 LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED A SPOT. 587 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,565 [grunting] - OH, OW, AH. LANCE? 588 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:34,367 NO, LANCE, BE CAREFUL, PLEASE. 589 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:36,736 - YO, CHECK OUT THAT GIRL RIGHT THERE. 590 00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:37,470 - OH, THE ONE IN THE SWEATPANTS? 591 00:20:37,504 --> 00:20:38,871 - OH, YEAH, MAN. 592 00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,373 I JUST WANT TO TAKE THAT GIRL 593 00:20:40,407 --> 00:20:41,708 TO THE FARMERS MARKET AND PICK OUT PRODUCE. 594 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,476 - YEAH, I CAN SEE THAT. 595 00:20:43,510 --> 00:20:45,445 SHE HAS THAT LOOK LIKE SHE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT'S IN SEASON. 596 00:20:45,478 --> 00:20:47,113 - OH, MAN, I CAN TOTALLY SEE MYSELF 597 00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:49,148 WALKING BACK FROM THE MARKET WITH THAT GIRL, 598 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,783 HOLDING HANDS, 599 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:53,553 BUNCHES OF KALE STICKING OUT OF OUR REUSABLE BAGS. 600 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,755 - THEN YOU GET HOME, AND SHE MAKES YOU A LITTLE HOT COCOA. 601 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,457 - OH, SHE MAKES SUCH GOOD COCOA. 602 00:20:57,490 --> 00:20:59,158 - YEAH, AND THEN IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE. 603 00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:00,593 IT'S A LITTLE CHILLY. - YEAH. OH. BRR! 604 00:21:00,627 --> 00:21:02,094 - YOU START SNUGGLING ON THE COUCH, 605 00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:03,896 AND THEN YOU JUST BANG HER BRAINS OUT, BRO. 606 00:21:03,930 --> 00:21:06,299 MARSHMALLOWS EVERYWHERE, DUDE. 607 00:21:06,333 --> 00:21:07,834 [sighs] 608 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:10,102 - ARE WE GONNA DO ANYTHING BESIDES THE TREADMILL? 609 00:21:10,136 --> 00:21:12,071 - NO, MAN. I TRIED THE WEIGHT MACHINES. 610 00:21:12,104 --> 00:21:13,440 THAT SH-- AIN'T CALIBRATED RIGHT. 611 00:21:13,473 --> 00:21:14,441 - STEAM ROOM? 612 00:21:14,474 --> 00:21:15,442 - STEAM ROOM. 613 00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:19,245 [machines beep] 614 00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:20,713 - NICE, 2.4. 615 00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:27,487 HEY, GIRL. 616 00:21:27,520 --> 00:21:28,555 WHAT'S UP, BRO?