1 00:00:02,979 --> 00:00:05,082 - SO YOU'RE DATING SOMEONE AT THE HOSPITAL? 2 00:00:05,116 --> 00:00:07,518 - WHICH HOSPITAL? 3 00:00:07,551 --> 00:00:10,287 - YOU'RE DATING PEOPLE AT MORE THAN ONE HOSPITAL? 4 00:00:10,321 --> 00:00:13,390 - I'M DATING MULTIPLE PEOPLE AT MULTIPLE HOSPITALS. 5 00:00:13,424 --> 00:00:15,259 - HOW DO YOU DO THAT? 6 00:00:15,292 --> 00:00:18,529 - SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN HOSPITALS, MAN. 7 00:00:18,562 --> 00:00:20,063 - DO THEY ALL KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER? 8 00:00:20,097 --> 00:00:21,865 - OF COURSE, I'M PROMISCUOUS, NOT DISHONEST. 9 00:00:21,898 --> 00:00:25,068 - HEY, HEY, YOU BOYS NEED TO CLEAN OUT THOSE MAILBOXES. 10 00:00:25,102 --> 00:00:26,570 THEY ARE OVERFLOWING WITH DETRITUS. 11 00:00:26,603 --> 00:00:28,472 IT'S SLOVENLY. 12 00:00:28,505 --> 00:00:31,041 HANK, THERE'S A JET MAGAZINE IN YOUR SLOT 13 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:33,144 WITH SKINNY OPRAH ON THE COVER. 14 00:00:33,177 --> 00:00:34,745 SHE AIN'T BEEN SKINNY SINCE '09. 15 00:00:34,778 --> 00:00:36,380 - I DON'T GET JET MAGAZINE. 16 00:00:36,413 --> 00:00:38,949 - I DON'T GET SKINNY OPRAH. I LIKE HER PLUMP. 17 00:00:38,982 --> 00:00:40,584 GO ON, CLEAN 'EM OUT NOW. 18 00:00:40,617 --> 00:00:42,586 - IT'D BE GREAT IF YOU COULD DO IT SOON. 19 00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:44,388 THE WHOLE THING'S REALLY KICKING OFF STATS' COUNTING DISORDER. 20 00:00:44,421 --> 00:00:47,324 - 64, 65, 66, 67. 21 00:00:47,358 --> 00:00:50,261 THERE ARE 67 PIECES OF MAIL IN YOUR SLOT, HENRY. 22 00:00:50,294 --> 00:00:51,495 - OKAY, DAMN. DAMN, GIRL. 23 00:00:51,528 --> 00:00:52,796 LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK. 24 00:00:52,829 --> 00:00:54,097 - SO THAT'S-- THAT'S DONE. 25 00:00:54,131 --> 00:00:55,732 - HEY, YOU HAPPY? 26 00:00:55,766 --> 00:00:57,334 - OKAY, YEAH, THAT'S GOOD. THANK YOU, HENRY. 27 00:00:57,368 --> 00:00:58,602 - MM-HMM. 28 00:00:58,635 --> 00:01:00,137 - WELL, LOOK AT THIS. 29 00:01:00,171 --> 00:01:02,773 THIS IS FANCY. 30 00:01:02,806 --> 00:01:05,075 PERSONAL AND HAND-LETTERED, HENRY ST. CLARE. 31 00:01:05,108 --> 00:01:07,511 - HMM, CALLIGRAPHY. - YEAH. 32 00:01:07,544 --> 00:01:09,446 - SOMEONE'S GETTING MARRIED. - WHO? 33 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:11,648 - OH, SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T HAVE MY CURRENT HOME ADDRESS 34 00:01:11,682 --> 00:01:13,417 OR CELL NUMBER. 35 00:01:13,450 --> 00:01:15,819 SOMEONE WHO CHEATED ON ME WITH THAT BUSBOY. 36 00:01:15,852 --> 00:01:17,821 SOMEONE WHO I COULD CARE ABSOLUTELY LESS ABOUT. 37 00:01:17,854 --> 00:01:19,690 - JEFF THE CHEF, HOLY SH--. - MM-HMM. 38 00:01:19,723 --> 00:01:21,192 - IS HE MARRYING THE BUSBOY? 39 00:01:21,225 --> 00:01:25,028 - NO, HE'S MARRYING ALEJANDRO. 40 00:01:25,061 --> 00:01:26,663 - OH, MY GOD, HE'S MARRYING YOUR BROTHER? 41 00:01:26,697 --> 00:01:28,532 - NO. 42 00:01:28,565 --> 00:01:31,502 - YOUR COUSIN? THAT'S SO-- 43 00:01:31,535 --> 00:01:33,337 OH, MY. 44 00:01:33,370 --> 00:01:34,671 - BRIAN, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND 45 00:01:34,705 --> 00:01:35,806 IN THE SUPPLY CLOSET PLEASE? 46 00:01:35,839 --> 00:01:37,107 - I KINDA WANT TO BE HERE 47 00:01:37,140 --> 00:01:38,342 TO OFFER HANK SOME EMOTIONAL SUPPORT. 48 00:01:38,375 --> 00:01:40,277 - BRIAN, SUPPLY CLOSET, NOW. 49 00:01:40,311 --> 00:01:41,545 - IF IT'S ANY CONSOLATION, I THINK THAT YOUR EYES 50 00:01:41,578 --> 00:01:44,215 ARE WAY MORE SOULFUL THAN ALEJANDRO'S. 51 00:01:44,248 --> 00:01:47,451 - AND YOUR MAILBOX IS CLEAN, SO THERE'S THAT. 52 00:01:47,484 --> 00:01:49,486 - LOOK, I KNOW THIS STINGS RIGHT NOW, 53 00:01:49,520 --> 00:01:51,288 BUT THIS TOO SHALL PASS. 54 00:01:51,322 --> 00:01:53,690 - DEUCE. - WHAT? 55 00:01:53,724 --> 00:01:55,726 - CAN I CALL YOU "SON"? - NO. 56 00:01:55,759 --> 00:01:57,461 - WELL, I'M DOING IT ANYWAY 57 00:01:57,494 --> 00:01:59,162 'CAUSE THIS IS A FATHER-SON TYPE TALK. 58 00:01:59,196 --> 00:02:00,664 SON, THIS GUY ALE-WHAT'S-HIS-FACE 59 00:02:00,697 --> 00:02:02,733 MAY LOOK LIKE YOU, 60 00:02:02,766 --> 00:02:05,001 BUT WHOEVER THE HELL HE IS HE AIN'T GOT WHAT YOU GOT. 61 00:02:05,035 --> 00:02:07,204 - WHICH IS? - YOUR FREEDOM. 62 00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:10,307 YOU CAN DATE ALL THE BOYS IN BOYSTOWN IF YOU WANT. 63 00:02:10,341 --> 00:02:12,476 YOU'D BE EXHAUSTED, BUT YOU COULD DO IT. 64 00:02:12,509 --> 00:02:14,345 - THIS IS YOUR TOUCHING, IMPORTANT 65 00:02:14,378 --> 00:02:15,812 FATHER-SON TYPE MESSAGE? 66 00:02:15,846 --> 00:02:17,481 - GOD DAMN IT, I'M NEW TO THIS SH--. 67 00:02:17,514 --> 00:02:19,483 AND I'M NOT FINISHED YET. 68 00:02:19,516 --> 00:02:22,319 THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW HOW GREAT YOU ARE, 69 00:02:22,353 --> 00:02:24,855 THAT THIS CHEF ASSHOLE IS MARRYING A GUY 70 00:02:24,888 --> 00:02:26,557 WHO'S THE SPITTING IMAGE OF YOU. 71 00:02:26,590 --> 00:02:29,159 I MEAN, YOU ARE SUCH A PRIZE 72 00:02:29,192 --> 00:02:30,761 THAT HE WENT AND FOUND HISSELF 73 00:02:30,794 --> 00:02:33,530 A GODDAMN HANK ST. CLARE CLONE. 74 00:02:33,564 --> 00:02:35,832 HOW WAS THAT? - NOT BAD. 75 00:02:35,866 --> 00:02:37,334 - YOU KNOW WHAT, CASH? YOU'RE RIGHT. 76 00:02:37,368 --> 00:02:38,869 - YOU CAN CALL ME "POPS." 77 00:02:38,902 --> 00:02:40,271 - JEFF IS MARRYING THE DISCOUNT VERSION OF ME. 78 00:02:40,304 --> 00:02:42,339 - MM-HMM. - OR BIG PAPI. 79 00:02:42,373 --> 00:02:44,875 - AND DO YOU REMEMBER HOW PRETENTIOUS JEFF COULD BE? 80 00:02:44,908 --> 00:02:45,742 - OH, WITH HIS FRENCH FUSION CUISINE 81 00:02:45,776 --> 00:02:47,344 - OH, BARF. 82 00:02:47,378 --> 00:02:49,012 - AND GODDAMN ASIAN OPERA BULLSH--. 83 00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:50,847 YOU JUST KNOW JEFF AND HIS LITTLE FAKE-ASS HANK HUSBAND 84 00:02:50,881 --> 00:02:52,683 GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE ANNOYING COUPLES 85 00:02:52,716 --> 00:02:55,085 THAT ADOPTS, LIKE, SIX KIDS FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, 86 00:02:55,118 --> 00:02:57,554 NAMES 'EM SH-- LIKE BRYCE AND TRISTAN. 87 00:02:57,588 --> 00:03:00,457 - IN KENYA THE FATHER FIGURE IS CALLED "BABA." 88 00:03:00,491 --> 00:03:02,459 BIG BABA. 89 00:03:02,493 --> 00:03:03,794 TRY IT ON. 90 00:03:03,827 --> 00:03:05,061 - I DID, DON'T FIT. 91 00:03:05,095 --> 00:03:06,630 - HEY. 92 00:03:06,663 --> 00:03:08,765 - GUESS WHO I JUST GOT A WEDDING INVITATION FROM. 93 00:03:08,799 --> 00:03:10,634 - OH, UH, LET ME GUESS. 94 00:03:10,667 --> 00:03:13,404 UH, YOUR COLLEGE ROOMMATE WHO YOU JUST HAD TO SET UP 95 00:03:13,437 --> 00:03:14,805 WITH MY BEST FRIEND, HANK, WHO THEN CHEATED ON HIM, 96 00:03:14,838 --> 00:03:16,407 BROKE HIS HEART, AND BASICALLY RUINED LAST SUMMER? 97 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,375 - YOU GOT AN INVITE TOO? - NO, HANK DID. 98 00:03:18,409 --> 00:03:20,911 - SH--! THAT IS WHAT I WAS AFRAID OF. 99 00:03:20,944 --> 00:03:22,212 I MEAN, HE'S BASICALLY MARRYING HANK, 100 00:03:22,245 --> 00:03:23,747 IF HANK HAD A PRETTIER NAME. 101 00:03:23,780 --> 00:03:25,549 - I KNOW. - IS HE OKAY? 102 00:03:25,582 --> 00:03:27,083 - I MEAN, IF THE WEDDING IS THIS WEEKEND, 103 00:03:27,117 --> 00:03:29,420 HOW TACKY IS THAT? - DAMN TACKY, SON. 104 00:03:29,453 --> 00:03:30,654 - AND LOOK AT THIS INVITATION. 105 00:03:30,687 --> 00:03:32,088 REALLY, BITCH, CALLIGRAPHY? 106 00:03:32,122 --> 00:03:33,290 SH-- AIN'T EVEN GOT PROPER MARGINS. 107 00:03:33,324 --> 00:03:34,725 LOOK AT THAT. - UH, SO-SO. 108 00:03:34,758 --> 00:03:36,259 IT COULD GO EITHER WAY. 109 00:03:36,293 --> 00:03:37,894 HEY, DO ME A FAVOR. 110 00:03:37,928 --> 00:03:39,396 IF WE EVER BREAK UP FOR REAL SOME DAY, 111 00:03:39,430 --> 00:03:40,664 AND YOU MEET MY DEAD RINGER AND MARRY HIM, 112 00:03:40,697 --> 00:03:42,065 WILL YOU INVITE ME TO THE WEDDING? 113 00:03:42,098 --> 00:03:43,434 I WANNA SEE WHAT I LOOK LIKE IN A TUX. 114 00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:44,668 - THERE IS NO WAY I'D WASTE 50 BUCKS 115 00:03:44,701 --> 00:03:45,736 ON A STEAK DINNER FOR YOU. 116 00:03:45,769 --> 00:03:47,237 - I'LL ORDER THE CHICKEN. 117 00:03:47,270 --> 00:03:50,173 [hip-hop music] 118 00:03:50,206 --> 00:03:58,281 * 119 00:04:07,358 --> 00:04:09,693 [static crackling] 120 00:04:09,726 --> 00:04:12,629 [laughter and chatter] 121 00:04:12,663 --> 00:04:14,130 - I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND 122 00:04:14,164 --> 00:04:16,967 WHY GAY GUYS WANT TO GET MARRIED. 123 00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,168 I MEAN, WE HAD A SWEET DEAL IN THE OLD DAYS. 124 00:04:18,201 --> 00:04:20,103 DANCE, DRINK, SCREW. 125 00:04:20,136 --> 00:04:22,038 SHOP, EAT, SCREW SOMEONE ELSE. 126 00:04:22,072 --> 00:04:24,207 DRINK, DANCE, GO SEE MADONNA. 127 00:04:24,240 --> 00:04:26,276 SCREW SOME BACKUP DANCER FOR MADONNA. 128 00:04:26,309 --> 00:04:27,644 NO KIDS, NO RINGS, NO DIVORCE. 129 00:04:27,678 --> 00:04:29,480 IT WAS PERFECT. 130 00:04:29,513 --> 00:04:32,182 - OTHER THAN THE MADONNA STUFF, IT SOUNDS PRETTY GOOD. 131 00:04:32,215 --> 00:04:35,452 - ON TOP OF WHICH, I WON THIS BATTLE. 132 00:04:35,486 --> 00:04:36,887 BITCH IS MARRYING A BROTHER LOOK JUST LIKE ME. 133 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:38,355 WHO THE HELL MISSES WHO HERE? 134 00:04:38,389 --> 00:04:39,856 AM I RIGHT? - YEAH. 135 00:04:39,890 --> 00:04:41,692 - YOU ARE GORGEOUS. 136 00:04:41,725 --> 00:04:42,826 AND UNLIKE YOUR PARTNER OVER HERE, 137 00:04:42,859 --> 00:04:44,461 A GREAT DANCER. 138 00:04:44,495 --> 00:04:45,796 - AND A FREE MAN. 139 00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:47,464 - YOU'RE A REAL CATCH, HANK. - YEAH. 140 00:04:47,498 --> 00:04:48,865 - YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU RIGHT. - MM-HMM. 141 00:04:48,899 --> 00:04:50,300 - I'M THE GODDAMN CATCH OF THE COUNTY, 142 00:04:50,333 --> 00:04:51,635 AND I'M TAKING THIS FINE BLACK ASS 143 00:04:51,668 --> 00:04:52,869 TO MY FAVORITE PICKUP JOINT. 144 00:04:52,903 --> 00:04:54,538 - GAY BAR DOWN THE STREET. 145 00:04:54,571 --> 00:04:55,739 - YEP, CALLED THE HOSPITAL. 146 00:04:55,772 --> 00:04:57,173 DONNIE, THE CUTE PUERTO RICAN DOCTOR, 147 00:04:57,207 --> 00:04:58,742 GETS OFF AT 11:00. 148 00:04:58,775 --> 00:05:00,176 AND I'M GONNA MAKE HIM MY PATIENT TONIGHT. 149 00:05:00,210 --> 00:05:01,378 - OOH. 150 00:05:01,412 --> 00:05:03,046 - OR VICE VERSA. - NICE. 151 00:05:03,079 --> 00:05:04,548 - AND YOU GUYS ARE COMING BACK FROM THAT WEDDING 152 00:05:04,581 --> 00:05:06,049 WITH A FULL REPORT ON ALEJANDRO, 153 00:05:06,082 --> 00:05:07,751 WHO I'M BETTING WILL BE A VERY SISSIFIED, 154 00:05:07,784 --> 00:05:10,353 PRISSY VERSION OF MOI. 155 00:05:10,387 --> 00:05:12,689 - OOH. 156 00:05:12,723 --> 00:05:15,225 - AU REVOIR. 157 00:05:15,258 --> 00:05:17,528 - HEY, YOU CANNOT GO TO THAT WEDDING. 158 00:05:17,561 --> 00:05:19,029 HE'S HURTING INSIDE. 159 00:05:19,062 --> 00:05:20,564 - I KNOW, I GOTTA STAY AND KEEP WATCH, 160 00:05:20,597 --> 00:05:21,932 BUT THAT'S WHY YOU'VE GOTTA GO 161 00:05:21,965 --> 00:05:24,535 AND REPORT BACK THAT THIS ALEJANDRO CHARACTER 162 00:05:24,568 --> 00:05:26,069 IS A SH-- DANCER, FIVE-FEET TALL, 163 00:05:26,102 --> 00:05:27,404 AND BASICALLY A CHICK WITH A DICK. 164 00:05:27,438 --> 00:05:29,172 - FINE. 165 00:05:29,205 --> 00:05:30,507 - HEY, THERESA, IF YOU NEED A PLUS-ONE FOR THE WEDDING, 166 00:05:30,541 --> 00:05:31,942 I'D BE HAPPY TO JOIN YOU. 167 00:05:31,975 --> 00:05:33,577 - WHATEVER. - BOOM. 168 00:05:33,610 --> 00:05:34,711 - THAT OKAY WITH YOU, VOO? 169 00:05:34,745 --> 00:05:36,780 - YEAH, OF COURSE. 170 00:05:36,813 --> 00:05:38,549 - ARE YOU GUYS DATING? 171 00:05:38,582 --> 00:05:40,383 both: NO. 172 00:05:40,417 --> 00:05:41,418 - BRIAN LOVES WEDDINGS. 173 00:05:41,452 --> 00:05:43,053 - I STUDY THEM. 174 00:05:43,086 --> 00:05:44,755 SEEN ALL THE MOVIES. - [whispering] EVERY ONE. 175 00:05:44,788 --> 00:05:46,923 - MY ONLY PROBLEM WITH FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL 176 00:05:46,957 --> 00:05:49,960 WAS THAT IT WASN'T CALLED FIVE WEDDINGS AND NO FUNERAL. 177 00:05:49,993 --> 00:05:52,963 PLUS I KNOW HOW TO DO THE FOXTROT. 178 00:05:52,996 --> 00:05:55,966 - WELL, THIS IS GONNA BE A HIP GAY WEDDING. 179 00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:58,034 YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT GONNA BE DANCING 180 00:05:58,068 --> 00:06:00,303 TO ROLL OUT THE BARREL, SO... 181 00:06:00,336 --> 00:06:02,405 - ACTUALLY, THAT'S A POLKA. 182 00:06:02,439 --> 00:06:03,907 BUT I KNOW HOW TO DO THAT TOO. 183 00:06:03,940 --> 00:06:05,942 SO WE ARE COVERED. 184 00:06:05,976 --> 00:06:07,478 I HAVE SURPRISINGLY STRONG CALVES. 185 00:06:07,511 --> 00:06:09,813 I CAN DANCE ALL NIGHT. - COOL. 186 00:06:09,846 --> 00:06:10,814 - I'LL BE YOUR DANCE INSURANCE. 187 00:06:10,847 --> 00:06:12,549 - OOH. [laughter] 188 00:06:12,583 --> 00:06:14,384 - NO, HONESTLY, HE MAKES YOU SIGN SOMETHING. 189 00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:15,786 - I WILL. - IT'S REALLY INTIMIDATING. 190 00:06:15,819 --> 00:06:17,420 - A WAIVER? - JUST FOR JUST BOTH OUR SAFETY. 191 00:06:22,425 --> 00:06:23,660 - SO HOW WAS LAST NIGHT? 192 00:06:23,694 --> 00:06:25,562 - FANTASTIC. - GOOD. 193 00:06:25,596 --> 00:06:27,964 - DOCTOR HAD A PUERTO RICAN FLAG TATTOO ON HIS ASS. 194 00:06:27,998 --> 00:06:29,666 WAY WE WERE GOING, I HALF EXPECTED 195 00:06:29,700 --> 00:06:32,569 TO FIND PUERTO RICO JUST OFF THE COAST OF NEW JERSEY. 196 00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:33,637 - [laughing] WELL, I'M GLAD YOU'RE DOING WELL. 197 00:06:33,670 --> 00:06:34,938 - NEVER BEEN BETTER, MAN. 198 00:06:34,971 --> 00:06:36,973 NEVER BEEN BETTER. 199 00:06:37,007 --> 00:06:38,742 WHAT THE NAME OF THE GUY JEFF'S MARRYING AGAIN? 200 00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:40,844 - OH, ALEJANDRO. - ALEJANDRO. 201 00:06:40,877 --> 00:06:42,445 - ALEJANDRO. 202 00:06:42,479 --> 00:06:44,147 SATURDAY, YOU AND ME, BRO. 203 00:06:44,180 --> 00:06:45,949 TWO SEATS ON THE GLASS, BLACKHAWKS/BRUINS. 204 00:06:45,982 --> 00:06:48,151 - YEAH, WAY BETTER THAN GOING TO A DUMB WEDDING. 205 00:06:48,184 --> 00:06:50,453 - IS THAT THE SAME DAY AS THE WEDDING? 206 00:06:50,487 --> 00:06:51,955 OH, I HAD NO IDEA. 207 00:06:51,988 --> 00:06:53,790 WOW, I'M SO SHALLOW. 208 00:06:53,824 --> 00:06:57,628 - WELL, HE SENT YOU AN INVITATION. 209 00:06:57,661 --> 00:07:00,463 - CHICAGO NORTH AMBULANCE NEEDED, LINCOLN PARK. 210 00:07:00,497 --> 00:07:02,332 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. 211 00:07:02,365 --> 00:07:04,100 I KNEW WHEN THE DAMN WEDDING WAS. 212 00:07:04,134 --> 00:07:06,036 - I'M JUST SAYING, HE SENT YOU AN INVITATION. 213 00:07:06,069 --> 00:07:07,871 - HIT ME FLUSH. 214 00:07:07,904 --> 00:07:09,673 GODDAMN DIRECT HIT. 215 00:07:09,706 --> 00:07:11,508 - AND JUST TO BE CLEAR, IT WAS A SOFTBALL, CORRECT? 216 00:07:11,542 --> 00:07:13,510 - YEAH, AND MY NUTS FEEL LIKE THEY'RE 217 00:07:13,544 --> 00:07:14,845 ABOUT A MILLION DEGREES RIGHT NOW. 218 00:07:14,878 --> 00:07:16,479 - I'M SORRY. 219 00:07:16,513 --> 00:07:18,348 - WHAT KIND OF A PITCH WAS THAT, GREG? 220 00:07:18,381 --> 00:07:19,816 IT'S SLOW PITCH, MAN. 221 00:07:19,850 --> 00:07:21,351 THAT WAS A FREAKING LASER BEAM. 222 00:07:21,384 --> 00:07:22,719 - ALL RIGHT, SIR. 223 00:07:22,753 --> 00:07:24,287 DROP YOUR PANTS. LET ME EXAMINE THE INJURY. 224 00:07:24,320 --> 00:07:25,656 - RIGHT HERE? - THE SOONER YOU DROP 'EM, 225 00:07:25,689 --> 00:07:27,558 THE SOONER WE CAN GET YOU FIXED UP. 226 00:07:27,591 --> 00:07:28,725 - NO NEED TO WORRY, SIR. IT'S A COMMON SPORTS INJURY. 227 00:07:28,759 --> 00:07:30,493 IT HURTS LIKE HELL, BUT NINE TIMES OUTTA TEN 228 00:07:30,527 --> 00:07:31,962 IT'S JUST A LITTLE-- OH, MY GOD. 229 00:07:31,995 --> 00:07:33,630 - WHAT? 230 00:07:33,664 --> 00:07:35,566 - OH, MY GOD, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS. 231 00:07:35,599 --> 00:07:37,668 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BALLS? - I CAN'T DO THIS. 232 00:07:37,701 --> 00:07:39,202 - WHAT'S WRONG WITH MY BALLS? 233 00:07:39,235 --> 00:07:41,137 AM I GONNA LOSE MY BALLS? OH, MY GOD! 234 00:07:41,171 --> 00:07:42,639 - JUST CALM DOWN. - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? 235 00:07:42,673 --> 00:07:43,840 - YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. JUST CALM DOWN. 236 00:07:43,874 --> 00:07:46,009 - HE SAID--WHAT DID HE MEAN? 237 00:07:46,042 --> 00:07:47,844 - IT'S A BRUISE. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. 238 00:07:47,878 --> 00:07:49,312 NOW WE COULD TAKE YOU TO THE UROLOGIST, 239 00:07:49,345 --> 00:07:51,214 BUT BETWEEN THE DOCTOR AND THE NURSE 240 00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:52,683 THAT'S JUST TWO MORE PEOPLE THAT ARE GONNA SEE YOUR JUNK. 241 00:07:52,716 --> 00:07:53,984 YOUR BEST BET IS TO ICE IT DOWN FOR 20 MINUTES 242 00:07:54,017 --> 00:07:55,518 AND WALK IT OFF. 243 00:07:55,552 --> 00:07:57,020 BRIAN, HANDLE THIS. 244 00:07:57,053 --> 00:07:59,656 - BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN ONE OF THESE BEFORE. 245 00:07:59,690 --> 00:08:02,392 HI. 246 00:08:02,425 --> 00:08:04,360 WHAT I MEANT WAS I'VE NEVER DEALT 247 00:08:04,394 --> 00:08:05,862 WITH THIS PARTICULAR INJURY. 248 00:08:05,896 --> 00:08:10,033 I'VE OBVIOUSLY SEEN PENISES BEFORE. 249 00:08:10,066 --> 00:08:12,869 NOT A LOT. MOSTLY MINE. 250 00:08:12,903 --> 00:08:15,171 AND OLD GUYS AT THE GYM. 251 00:08:15,205 --> 00:08:16,873 WHAT IS IT WITH OLD GUYS AND NUDITY? 252 00:08:16,907 --> 00:08:18,775 - YEAH, RIGHT? - EXACTLY. 253 00:08:18,809 --> 00:08:22,012 - SHUT UP, GREG! 254 00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:24,948 - OKAY, I'M JUST GONNA-- RIGHT. 255 00:08:24,981 --> 00:08:27,417 - THAT GUY'S PENIS. 256 00:08:27,450 --> 00:08:28,752 - YEAH? 257 00:08:28,785 --> 00:08:31,054 - GOD, THIS IS SO STUPID. 258 00:08:31,087 --> 00:08:32,889 - TELL ME, BRO. 259 00:08:32,923 --> 00:08:36,627 - THAT GUY HAD THE EXACT SAME PENIS AS JEFF THE CHEF. 260 00:08:36,660 --> 00:08:38,629 THE EXACT SAME ONE. 261 00:08:38,662 --> 00:08:40,631 WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 262 00:08:40,664 --> 00:08:42,198 - DON'T THEY ALL PRETTY MUCH LOOK THE SAME? 263 00:08:42,232 --> 00:08:43,900 - SOMETIMES IF THERE'S A LOT OF GUYS INVOLVED 264 00:08:43,934 --> 00:08:45,936 AND I'M DRUNK, YEAH. 265 00:08:45,969 --> 00:08:48,271 BUT JEFF'S, HIS WAS SPECIAL. 266 00:08:48,304 --> 00:08:51,808 I COULD PICK HIS DICK OUT OF A ROOM FULL OF DICKS. 267 00:08:51,842 --> 00:08:54,077 - WE'RE A LITTLE OUTSIDE OF MY AREA OF EXPERTISE HERE. 268 00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:56,079 - I JUST WASN'T EXPECTING TO SEE MY PAST 269 00:08:56,112 --> 00:08:57,781 STARING ME IN THE FACE LIKE THAT, JOHN. 270 00:08:57,814 --> 00:09:00,083 GOD, SH--. 271 00:09:00,116 --> 00:09:02,118 WHAT AM I DOING? WHERE AM I GOING? 272 00:09:02,152 --> 00:09:03,754 WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME? 273 00:09:03,787 --> 00:09:06,456 THAT INVITATION REALLY MESSED ME UP, BRO. 274 00:09:06,489 --> 00:09:08,792 - I KNOW. 275 00:09:08,825 --> 00:09:12,663 I KNOW. 276 00:09:12,696 --> 00:09:14,665 THINK THERESA COULD PICK MY DICK OUT OF A ROOM FULL OF DICKS? 277 00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:17,133 - HANK, WE GOT A CALL FROM YOUR MOM. 278 00:09:17,167 --> 00:09:18,601 SHE NEEDS HELP AT THE HOUSE. 279 00:09:18,635 --> 00:09:20,837 - GOTTA BE KIDDING ME. - WE'RE ON IT. 280 00:09:20,871 --> 00:09:22,773 - REMIND HER THAT DISPATCH 281 00:09:22,806 --> 00:09:24,240 ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE USED FOR PERSONAL CALLS. 282 00:09:24,274 --> 00:09:26,476 - OKAY, ROGER THAT. WE GOT IT. 283 00:09:26,509 --> 00:09:27,911 LISTEN, YOU GOT THIS. 284 00:09:27,944 --> 00:09:29,680 LOOK AT ME. YOU GOT THIS. 285 00:09:29,713 --> 00:09:31,748 - IT'S JUST THAT SHE-- - OKAY, WE GOT IT! 286 00:09:31,782 --> 00:09:33,349 BRIAN, LET'S ROLL. WE'RE WHEELS UP. 287 00:09:33,383 --> 00:09:34,918 STOP PLAYING WITH THAT GUY'S BALLS. 288 00:09:34,951 --> 00:09:37,120 - THERE'S MY BABY. 289 00:09:37,153 --> 00:09:39,455 - HEY, MAMA. - HEY, MAMA SAINT. 290 00:09:39,489 --> 00:09:41,491 - HI, JOHNNY. - WE CAN'T STAY LONG. 291 00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:42,959 - YOU NEED SOMETHING FIXED, MAMA SAINT? 292 00:09:42,993 --> 00:09:44,527 - OH, NO, I DON'T NEED YOU BOYS 293 00:09:44,560 --> 00:09:45,796 TO DO ANY CHORES FOR ME TODAY. 294 00:09:45,829 --> 00:09:47,163 BUT A LITTLE BIRD JUST TOLD ME 295 00:09:47,197 --> 00:09:48,865 ABOUT JEFF THE CHEF, 296 00:09:48,899 --> 00:09:50,466 AND I HAD TO CHECK IN WITH MY BABY. 297 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,202 - WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT? 298 00:09:52,235 --> 00:09:54,204 - SORRY, DEUCE, YOUR MOM GAVE ME SOME WINE. 299 00:09:54,237 --> 00:09:56,940 I JUST STARTED KINDA RUNNING OFF AT THE MOUTH. 300 00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:59,109 - CASSIUS TOLD ME THAT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING. 301 00:09:59,142 --> 00:10:01,444 IS THAT TRUE? - YES. 302 00:10:01,477 --> 00:10:03,213 - HENRY ST. CLARE, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY 303 00:10:03,246 --> 00:10:04,781 GOING TO THAT WEDDING. 304 00:10:04,815 --> 00:10:07,050 YOU WILL NOT HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME. 305 00:10:07,083 --> 00:10:08,885 THIS IS A PROUD FAMILY. 306 00:10:08,919 --> 00:10:10,821 AND YOU ARE A PROUD BLACK MAN. 307 00:10:10,854 --> 00:10:13,790 YOU DO NOT RUN AWAY FROM SITUATIONS SUCH AS THIS. 308 00:10:13,824 --> 00:10:15,658 YOU'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE WITH YOUR HEAD HELD HIGH, 309 00:10:15,692 --> 00:10:18,128 AND YOU'RE GONNA SHINE LIKE A PRECIOUS STONE. 310 00:10:18,161 --> 00:10:19,963 SIT IN THE FRONT, SMILE THE BIGGEST, 311 00:10:19,996 --> 00:10:21,297 SING THE LOUDEST. 312 00:10:21,331 --> 00:10:22,733 AND IF THE PREACHER ASKS, 313 00:10:22,766 --> 00:10:24,835 "DOES ANYONE OBJECT TO THIS WEDDING?" 314 00:10:24,868 --> 00:10:29,472 YOU'RE GONNA STAND UP AND SAY, "HELL, NO, I DON'T." 315 00:10:29,505 --> 00:10:32,743 HENRY, PROMISE ME YOU'LL GO TO THE WEDDING. 316 00:10:32,776 --> 00:10:34,344 - MOM, I'M NOT GOING! 317 00:10:34,377 --> 00:10:36,379 - HANK, YOUR MAMA ASKED YOU TO MAKE A PROMISE. 318 00:10:36,412 --> 00:10:37,748 NOW I KNOW I'M NOT YOUR DADDY, 319 00:10:37,781 --> 00:10:39,750 BUT I DO SIT AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, 320 00:10:39,783 --> 00:10:42,152 AND I DO GET THE EXTRA PIECE OF MEAT WHEN THERE IS ONE. 321 00:10:42,185 --> 00:10:43,987 WE'RE WATCHING OUR CHOLESTEROL. 322 00:10:44,020 --> 00:10:46,556 MINE'S SUPPOSED TO BE UP OVER 200 OR SOMETHING. 323 00:10:46,589 --> 00:10:50,026 HALF THE PROGRAMS ON THE DVR ARE MY PROGRAMS. 324 00:10:50,060 --> 00:10:52,095 I GOT ABOUT SIX PAIRS OF DRAWERS IN THE DRYER. 325 00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:53,163 WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS? 326 00:10:53,196 --> 00:10:54,931 HELP ME OUT. 327 00:10:54,965 --> 00:10:56,833 - YOU WERE TELLING HIM TO GO TO THE WEDDING. 328 00:10:56,867 --> 00:10:58,401 - YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. DO WHAT YOUR MAMA SAID. 329 00:10:58,434 --> 00:11:02,338 GO TO THAT WEDDING TOMORROW AND SHINE LIKE A GEM. 330 00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:05,075 JUST MAKE THE PROMISE, SON, AND MAKE IT NOW. 331 00:11:05,108 --> 00:11:06,910 - FINE, I'LL GO. BYE, MAMA. 332 00:11:06,943 --> 00:11:09,045 - SEE? 333 00:11:09,079 --> 00:11:11,214 WHAT'D I TELL YOU? FATHER FIGURE. 334 00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:13,083 - OH, HE'S NOT GOING, PADRE. 335 00:11:13,116 --> 00:11:15,218 HE'S JUST SAYING THAT TO SHUT YOU UP. 336 00:11:15,251 --> 00:11:17,020 - YOU ARE? - YEP. 337 00:11:17,053 --> 00:11:19,189 WE'RE GOING TO THE BLACKHAWKS-BRUINS GAME. 338 00:11:19,222 --> 00:11:20,757 BYE, MAMA. 339 00:11:20,791 --> 00:11:22,258 - DAMN! 340 00:11:22,292 --> 00:11:24,227 WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY? 341 00:11:24,260 --> 00:11:27,397 - OH, SHUT UP AND LET'S HAVE OURSELVES A GOOD DAY. 342 00:11:27,430 --> 00:11:29,632 - THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. 343 00:11:34,137 --> 00:11:35,371 - DAMN GREAT DAY FOR A GAME. 344 00:11:35,405 --> 00:11:36,639 - OH, YEAH, BEERS. - FIGHTS. 345 00:11:36,672 --> 00:11:37,908 - BODY CHECKS. - JONATHAN TOEWS. 346 00:11:37,941 --> 00:11:39,242 - PATRICK KANE. 347 00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:41,144 - PATRICK KANE'S EYES AND HIS ASS. 348 00:11:41,177 --> 00:11:42,879 - OKAY. OKAY, JUST THIS ONCE 349 00:11:42,913 --> 00:11:45,081 I WILL TALK TO YOU ABOUT PATRICK KANE'S EYES AND HIS ASS, 350 00:11:45,115 --> 00:11:47,717 BECAUSE TODAY I'M GONNA BE THE GREATEST WINGMAN OF ALL TIME. 351 00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:49,953 AND TONIGHT, I'M GONNA GET YOU LAID. 352 00:11:49,986 --> 00:11:51,487 NOT THAT YOU NEED ANY HELP, 353 00:11:51,521 --> 00:11:52,989 'CAUSE YOU CAN BASICALLY SNAP YOUR FINGERS 354 00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:54,925 AND THEN 20 BLOWJOBS APPEAR OUT OF THIN AIR. 355 00:11:54,958 --> 00:11:57,260 WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE TO HAVE YOUR LIFE. 356 00:11:57,293 --> 00:11:59,629 I MEAN, JUST ALL THE ONE-NIGHT STANDS 357 00:11:59,662 --> 00:12:00,997 AND CASUAL SEX. 358 00:12:01,031 --> 00:12:02,598 I MEAN, SEX IS NEVER CASUAL FOR ME, EVER. 359 00:12:02,632 --> 00:12:06,136 LIKE, LIKE EVER. 360 00:12:06,169 --> 00:12:07,103 WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. 361 00:12:07,137 --> 00:12:08,571 WHERE WE GOING? 362 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:09,940 - WEDDING. I CHANGED MY MIND. 363 00:12:09,973 --> 00:12:11,241 - I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS, 364 00:12:11,274 --> 00:12:12,575 BUT IT IS AN EMERGENCY. 365 00:12:12,608 --> 00:12:14,310 THREE WORDS: PATRICK KANE'S ASS. 366 00:12:14,344 --> 00:12:16,312 - I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSSY FOR RUNNING AWAY FROM THIS. 367 00:12:16,346 --> 00:12:18,248 I'M 6'5", 220, 368 00:12:18,281 --> 00:12:19,850 AND LIKE MY MAMA SAY, WE DON'T RUN FROM SH--. 369 00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:21,151 - WEDDING STARTS AT 1:00. 370 00:12:21,184 --> 00:12:22,518 - WE CAN STILL MAKE THE RECEPTION. 371 00:12:22,552 --> 00:12:24,154 - I'M WEARING A STAN MIKITA T-SHIRT. 372 00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:26,089 - I GOT ONE OF JEFF'S OLD SUITS BACK AT THE HOUSE. 373 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:27,690 - YOU KNOW THIS THING'S WORTH, LIKE, 50 BUCKS ON EBAY, RIGHT? 374 00:12:27,723 --> 00:12:30,193 - THE SUIT I'M GIVING YOU IS WORTH A THOUSAND. 375 00:12:30,226 --> 00:12:32,028 - I COULD USE A NEW SUIT. 376 00:12:32,062 --> 00:12:34,831 [upbeat music] 377 00:12:34,865 --> 00:12:37,800 * 378 00:12:37,834 --> 00:12:39,635 - HOW DO I LOOK? - HOW DO YOU WANNA LOOK? 379 00:12:39,669 --> 00:12:41,938 - CROSS BETWEEN SIDNEY POITIER AND SHAFT. 380 00:12:41,972 --> 00:12:43,673 - OKAY. OKAY, I GET THAT. 381 00:12:43,706 --> 00:12:45,275 THROW IN A LITTLE DENZEL STROLL TOO. 382 00:12:45,308 --> 00:12:46,843 - MM. 383 00:12:46,877 --> 00:12:48,945 - AGH, I WISH I WAS BLACK RIGHT NOW. 384 00:12:48,979 --> 00:12:51,014 - HANK! 385 00:12:51,047 --> 00:12:52,648 YOU LOOK FANTASTIC. 386 00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:54,350 - HOLY SH--, THAT DRESS IS BANGIN'. 387 00:12:54,384 --> 00:12:56,286 - THANK YOU. MY DATE BRIAN CHOSE IT. 388 00:12:56,319 --> 00:12:57,988 - I GAVE HER A FEW LOOKS. 389 00:12:58,021 --> 00:13:00,323 - HOW DO I LOOK? - VERY, VERY HANDSOME. 390 00:13:00,356 --> 00:13:01,824 - HOW WAS THE CEREMONY? 391 00:13:01,858 --> 00:13:03,326 - EH, I'D GIVE IT A "B". 392 00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:04,660 THEY READ FROM CORINTHIANS, 393 00:13:04,694 --> 00:13:06,396 WHICH COULDN'T BE MORE CLICHE. 394 00:13:06,429 --> 00:13:08,298 THE ORCHESTRA WAS WAY TOO UP TEMPO ON THE PROCESSIONAL. 395 00:13:08,331 --> 00:13:10,333 IT'S LIKE, LET THE THING BREATHE. 396 00:13:10,366 --> 00:13:12,168 AM I RIGHT? - YOU CAN TELL ME THE TRUTH. 397 00:13:12,202 --> 00:13:13,669 - OH, MY GOD, THE WHOLE THING WAS AMAZING. 398 00:13:13,703 --> 00:13:15,005 A-PLUS-PLUS. 399 00:13:15,038 --> 00:13:16,239 I GOT THE NAME OF THE COORDINATOR. 400 00:13:16,272 --> 00:13:17,240 - BRIAN. - HIS NAME IS DARREN. 401 00:13:17,273 --> 00:13:20,310 - THERE HE IS. 402 00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:22,678 - YOU OKAY? 403 00:13:22,712 --> 00:13:24,247 - NEVER BEEN BETTER. LET'S DANCE. 404 00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:25,848 - WHOA, I DON'T DANCE. 405 00:13:25,882 --> 00:13:27,217 - YOU ARE MY DATE. YOU DANCIN'. 406 00:13:27,250 --> 00:13:30,086 - NO, COME-- NO--NO, I DON'T DANCE. 407 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:31,421 I DON'T-- 408 00:13:31,454 --> 00:13:33,856 - ANOTHER DRINK, MILADY? 409 00:13:33,890 --> 00:13:39,029 * 410 00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:40,696 THIS IS MY FIRST GAY WEDDING. 411 00:13:40,730 --> 00:13:43,033 - CONGRATULATIONS. - THANK YOU. 412 00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:45,268 FIRST GAY WEDDING. - YEAH, I HEARD. 413 00:13:45,301 --> 00:13:47,403 - I HAVE TO SAY, IT'S BEEN AN ABSOLUTE PLEASURE. 414 00:13:47,437 --> 00:13:49,039 - THAT'S GREAT. 415 00:13:49,072 --> 00:13:51,107 - I MEAN, STRAIGHT WEDDINGS ARE FUN TOO, 416 00:13:51,141 --> 00:13:52,542 BUT THERE'S SOMETHING EXTRA SPECIAL GOING ON HERE TODAY. 417 00:13:52,575 --> 00:13:54,377 - YEAH, IT'S CALLED AN OPEN BAR. 418 00:13:54,410 --> 00:13:55,345 - [chuckles] AWESOME! 419 00:13:55,378 --> 00:13:56,913 FIRST GAY WEDDING JOKE. 420 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,582 - UGH, CAN WE STOP DANCING NOW? 421 00:13:59,615 --> 00:14:01,784 - HEY, LOOK, I WANNA BE HAVING FUN WHEN JEFF SEES ME. 422 00:14:01,817 --> 00:14:03,453 AND I'M GONNA BE DANCING LIKE A FREAK 423 00:14:03,486 --> 00:14:05,388 WHEN HE POINTS ME OUT TO LITTLE HANK JR. 424 00:14:05,421 --> 00:14:07,723 RELAX. JUST DANCE TO THE BEAT. DON'T DANCE TO THE WORDS. 425 00:14:07,757 --> 00:14:09,025 - THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING, 426 00:14:09,059 --> 00:14:10,460 AND I STILL LOOK LIKE THIS. 427 00:14:10,493 --> 00:14:11,928 I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS. 428 00:14:11,962 --> 00:14:13,696 - OKAY, MAYBE JUST TRY STANDING STILL. 429 00:14:13,729 --> 00:14:15,298 - I'M NOT GONNA BE THE ASSHOLE 430 00:14:15,331 --> 00:14:17,600 STANDING STILL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR. 431 00:14:17,633 --> 00:14:18,935 YOU KNOW YOU'RE THE ONLY GUY I'D DO THIS FOR, RIGHT? 432 00:14:18,969 --> 00:14:20,370 - YES, YES, YES. - OKAY. 433 00:14:20,403 --> 00:14:22,038 - COME TO FERNANDO. 434 00:14:22,072 --> 00:14:23,806 - [chuckles] 435 00:14:23,839 --> 00:14:26,276 - UH, I'M NOT REALLY A DANCER. 436 00:14:26,309 --> 00:14:27,944 - NONSENSE. 437 00:14:27,978 --> 00:14:29,145 OPEN YOUR HIPS. 438 00:14:29,179 --> 00:14:30,813 - WHAT? 439 00:14:30,846 --> 00:14:33,049 - OPEN YOUR HIPS. LIKE THIS. 440 00:14:33,083 --> 00:14:34,584 - EH. 441 00:14:34,617 --> 00:14:38,154 - RELEASE YOUR BODY TO THE MUSIC. 442 00:14:38,188 --> 00:14:39,755 - [laughs] 443 00:14:39,789 --> 00:14:42,125 - UM, I'M NOT REAL-- 444 00:14:42,158 --> 00:14:43,426 WHAT, YOU MEAN LIKE THAT? 445 00:14:43,459 --> 00:14:45,461 - YES, YES, YES, YES. 446 00:14:45,495 --> 00:14:47,097 SET YOUR HIPS FREE, 447 00:14:47,130 --> 00:14:49,332 LET THEM FLY, LET THEM SOAR. 448 00:14:49,365 --> 00:14:53,169 - JUST, UH...OKAY. 449 00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:56,306 OKAY, THAT KINDA FEELS RIGHT. 450 00:14:56,339 --> 00:14:57,773 I OPEN MY HIPS. - OPEN YOUR HIPS. 451 00:14:57,807 --> 00:15:00,410 - OKAY, OKAY. - [laughs] 452 00:15:00,443 --> 00:15:01,677 - HOLY SH--, I'M DANCING. 453 00:15:01,711 --> 00:15:02,945 - HOLY SH--, HE'S DANCING. 454 00:15:02,979 --> 00:15:04,414 - [laughs] 455 00:15:04,447 --> 00:15:06,782 - THERESA, THIS IS KEITH. - HI, KEITH. 456 00:15:06,816 --> 00:15:08,118 - HELLO. - HOW YOU DOING? 457 00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:09,519 - KEITH'S HERE ALONE. 458 00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:10,786 HIS BOYFRIEND'S AT HOME WATCHING THE KIDS, 459 00:15:10,820 --> 00:15:12,322 RUFUS AND MONTE. 460 00:15:12,355 --> 00:15:14,024 THEY'RE BEAGLES, AND THEY'RE ADORABLE. 461 00:15:14,057 --> 00:15:16,326 SO CHECK THIS OUT, THERESA. KEITH IS ALSO A COP. 462 00:15:16,359 --> 00:15:18,194 - OH, REALLY? 463 00:15:18,228 --> 00:15:19,329 - THIS WAS THE COP FRIEND YOU WERE TELLING ME ABOUT? 464 00:15:19,362 --> 00:15:21,097 - THERESA'S THE BEST COP IN CHICAGO. 465 00:15:21,131 --> 00:15:22,832 - OH, COME ON, BRI. - WELL, I DOUBT THAT. 466 00:15:22,865 --> 00:15:24,134 - EXCUSE ME? 467 00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:25,801 - SWEETHEART... 468 00:15:25,835 --> 00:15:27,270 YOU KNOW WHAT, WE'RE AT A WEDDING. 469 00:15:27,303 --> 00:15:29,005 LET'S NOT GET INTO IT. 470 00:15:29,039 --> 00:15:30,273 - NO, DON'T HOLD BACK ON MY ACCOUNT. 471 00:15:30,306 --> 00:15:31,974 GO ON. 472 00:15:32,008 --> 00:15:34,310 - BEING A COP IS A MAN'S JOB. - OH. 473 00:15:34,344 --> 00:15:35,611 - I MEAN, YOU GIRLS ARE GREAT 474 00:15:35,645 --> 00:15:37,947 FOR CERTAIN POLICE PROCEDURAL WORK. 475 00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,715 BUT FOR EVERYDAY, BOOTS-ON-THE-GROUND, 476 00:15:39,749 --> 00:15:41,184 FRONT-LINES-OF-CRIME STUFF, 477 00:15:41,217 --> 00:15:43,653 YOU'RE A LIABILITY. 478 00:15:43,686 --> 00:15:46,522 - OH. I SEE WHAT HAPPENED. 479 00:15:46,556 --> 00:15:48,224 YOU MISUNDERSTOOD. 480 00:15:48,258 --> 00:15:50,026 I SAID THAT THERESA WAS A GOOD COP. 481 00:15:50,060 --> 00:15:52,362 NOT A TERRIBLE COP. YOU SWITCHED 'EM. 482 00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:53,996 - SO WHAT'S YOUR DEAL? 483 00:15:54,030 --> 00:15:55,365 YOU'RE A MISOGYNISTIC GAY COP? 484 00:15:55,398 --> 00:15:58,168 - NOPE, I'M A REALIST. 485 00:15:58,201 --> 00:15:59,902 - HUH. 486 00:15:59,935 --> 00:16:03,239 - HOW GREAT ARE FIREMEN THOUGH? 487 00:16:03,273 --> 00:16:06,309 - [laughs] 488 00:16:06,342 --> 00:16:09,545 [Latin music] 489 00:16:09,579 --> 00:16:10,980 HEY, YOU DOING OKAY? 490 00:16:11,013 --> 00:16:12,815 - I'M DOING GREAT. I'M DOING GREAT. 491 00:16:12,848 --> 00:16:14,050 - I'LL BE BACK. - THIS GUY'S GREAT. 492 00:16:14,084 --> 00:16:16,152 WHOA! 493 00:16:16,186 --> 00:16:18,388 [laughs] OH, OKAY. 494 00:16:18,421 --> 00:16:21,157 - AS A GAY MAN WHO FOUGHT AGAINST PREJUDICE, 495 00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:23,559 HOW CAN YOU HONESTLY ESPOUSE SUCH OUTDATED VIEWS? 496 00:16:23,593 --> 00:16:25,228 - BECAUSE AS A GAY COP, 497 00:16:25,261 --> 00:16:27,530 I REALIZE NOT EVERYBODY CAN PLAY THE GAME. 498 00:16:27,563 --> 00:16:29,365 IT'S LIKE BRIAN URLACHER. 499 00:16:29,399 --> 00:16:31,667 THERE WASN'T A CHICK THAT COULD DO HIS JOB, 500 00:16:31,701 --> 00:16:34,870 BECAUSE HE'S A VERY LARGE MAN IN A VERY VIOLENT GAME. 501 00:16:34,904 --> 00:16:37,273 THIS ISN'T TENNIS, BILLY JEAN KING. 502 00:16:37,307 --> 00:16:39,109 IT'S LIFE OR DEATH. 503 00:16:39,142 --> 00:16:43,246 AND YOU GOTTA HAVE A BIG BRASS SET OF HUGE COJONES. 504 00:16:43,279 --> 00:16:46,282 - GUYS, GUYS, THIS IS A WEDDING. 505 00:16:46,316 --> 00:16:47,917 A GAY WEDDING. 506 00:16:47,950 --> 00:16:49,452 MY FIRST GAY WEDDING. 507 00:16:49,485 --> 00:16:51,387 AND THE ONLY FIGHTING SHOULD BE US 508 00:16:51,421 --> 00:16:54,590 FIGHTING FOR OUR RIGHT TO PARTY. 509 00:16:54,624 --> 00:16:56,426 - YOU'RE RIGHT, BRIAN. 510 00:16:56,459 --> 00:16:58,361 LET'S DANCE. 511 00:16:58,394 --> 00:17:00,396 - DON'T GET ANYONE KILLED OUT ON THE DANCE FLOOR. 512 00:17:00,430 --> 00:17:02,365 - NO. 513 00:17:02,398 --> 00:17:04,600 - I SHOULD REALLY KICK YOUR ASS FOR SAYING THAT. 514 00:17:04,634 --> 00:17:06,602 - WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, YOU GONNA KICK ME IN THE NUTS? 515 00:17:09,305 --> 00:17:11,474 - AGHH! 516 00:17:11,507 --> 00:17:14,277 YOU KICKED ME IN MY NUTS. 517 00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:16,379 - IT'S OKAY. I KNOW WHAT TO DO. 518 00:17:16,412 --> 00:17:18,881 ONE, DON'T PANIC. TWO, KNOW THAT YOUR TESTICLES 519 00:17:18,914 --> 00:17:20,550 WILL EVENTUALLY RETURN TO THEIR NORMAL SIZE. 520 00:17:20,583 --> 00:17:22,885 AND THREE IS...ICE. 521 00:17:22,918 --> 00:17:24,086 I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - [groans] 522 00:17:28,124 --> 00:17:30,226 - HEY. HANK. 523 00:17:30,260 --> 00:17:32,128 ALEJANDRO, THIS IS-- 524 00:17:32,162 --> 00:17:33,729 - THE BIGGER, BLACKER VERSION OF ME. 525 00:17:33,763 --> 00:17:35,931 HI, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU. 526 00:17:35,965 --> 00:17:37,267 GOD, YOU ARE GORGEOUS, 527 00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,768 WHICH OF COURSE MEANS SO AM I. 528 00:17:38,801 --> 00:17:40,170 - YES, YOU ARE. - THANK YOU FOR COMING, HANK. 529 00:17:40,203 --> 00:17:41,837 I KNOW IT WAS SHORT NOTICE, 530 00:17:41,871 --> 00:17:43,139 BUT I THINK IT CAME TOGETHER PRETTY WELL, DIDN'T IT? 531 00:17:43,173 --> 00:17:44,640 WHO NEEDS A YEAR TO PLAN A WEDDING? 532 00:17:44,674 --> 00:17:47,177 - STRAIGHT PEOPLE. [laughter] 533 00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:49,245 - SO, UM-- 534 00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:52,248 - LISTEN, SWEETIE, LET'S PUT IT ALL OUT ON THE TABLE HERE. 535 00:17:52,282 --> 00:17:54,116 WHEN I FIRST SAW A PICTURE OF YOU IN JEFF'S PHONE, 536 00:17:54,150 --> 00:17:56,252 I THOUGHT, OH, MY GOD, 537 00:17:56,286 --> 00:17:58,688 AM I JUST A STAND-IN HERE WHEN I WANTED TO BE THE STAR? 538 00:17:58,721 --> 00:18:01,691 BUT THEN I REMEMBERED IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING, BABY. 539 00:18:01,724 --> 00:18:05,027 HE LOVED YOU, BUT YOU WEREN'T READY TO SETTLE DOWN. 540 00:18:05,060 --> 00:18:07,129 I WAS, SO TO US, TO ME ESPECIALLY, 541 00:18:07,163 --> 00:18:08,864 YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART. 542 00:18:08,898 --> 00:18:12,034 BECAUSE OTHERWISE, I NEVER WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM. 543 00:18:15,371 --> 00:18:18,174 - YOU'RE RIGHT. I WASN'T READY. 544 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:21,277 - AND I WAS-- TO GET MARRIED, TO HAVE KIDS. 545 00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:23,479 WE JUST ADOPTED A LITTLE CHINESE BABY, A GIRL. 546 00:18:23,513 --> 00:18:24,880 - OH, SWEET, WHAT'S HER NAME? 547 00:18:24,914 --> 00:18:26,148 - WE WANNA CALL HER BY HER GIVEN NAME, 548 00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:28,017 WHICH IS HO-WAN-HO. 549 00:18:28,050 --> 00:18:29,485 [coughs] 550 00:18:29,519 --> 00:18:30,886 - COOL. 551 00:18:30,920 --> 00:18:32,121 YOU KNOW WHAT'S A GOOD GIRL'S NAME? 552 00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,623 COLLEEN. 553 00:18:33,656 --> 00:18:35,625 - OH, I LIKE THAT. IT'S EASY TO PRONOUNCE. 554 00:18:35,658 --> 00:18:38,060 EVERY TIME I TRY TO SAY HER NAME, I GET A HAIRBALL. 555 00:18:38,093 --> 00:18:39,495 - [chuckles] 556 00:18:39,529 --> 00:18:42,498 LOOK, I CAME HERE TODAY TO HOLD MY HEAD UP HIGH. 557 00:18:42,532 --> 00:18:44,734 AND TRUTHFULLY TO SEE IF YOU WERE MARRYING ALEJANDRO 558 00:18:44,767 --> 00:18:46,736 AS A REPLACEMENT FOR ME. 559 00:18:46,769 --> 00:18:48,070 I CAME HERE WITH ALL THIS ATTITUDE, 560 00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:50,306 AS IF THIS WAS ALL ABOUT ME. 561 00:18:50,340 --> 00:18:54,176 WHICH, CLEARLY, IT WASN'T. 562 00:18:54,210 --> 00:18:56,379 I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER FOR THE TWO OF YOU. 563 00:18:56,412 --> 00:18:59,882 [upbeat music] 564 00:18:59,915 --> 00:19:02,652 - THIS IS OUR SONG, BUT IT'S SO NICE TO MEET YOU, HANK. 565 00:19:02,685 --> 00:19:04,487 - YOU TOO. - COME SAY HI TO HO-WAN-HO. 566 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:07,223 - YES, I WILL. 567 00:19:07,257 --> 00:19:13,263 * 568 00:19:13,296 --> 00:19:14,730 - YO! 569 00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:16,198 LOST YOU THERE FOR A BIT. 570 00:19:16,232 --> 00:19:17,600 YOU ALL RIGHT? - YEAH, BRO, I'M GOOD. 571 00:19:17,633 --> 00:19:18,668 - YOU SURE? - YEAH, MAN, I'M GOOD. 572 00:19:18,701 --> 00:19:20,169 - OKAY. - I'M GOOD. 573 00:19:20,202 --> 00:19:22,204 - [groans] 574 00:19:22,238 --> 00:19:24,940 - HEY, GUYS, I'M USING MY NEW SKILL. 575 00:19:24,974 --> 00:19:26,876 [both chuckle] - HEY, JOHN. 576 00:19:26,909 --> 00:19:28,344 FERNANDO WAS LOOKING FOR YOU. 577 00:19:28,378 --> 00:19:31,113 TURNS OUT YOU MADE QUITE THE IMPRESSION. 578 00:19:31,146 --> 00:19:32,248 HE WANTED TO GIVE YOU HIS NUMBER. 579 00:19:32,282 --> 00:19:33,883 - OOH. 580 00:19:33,916 --> 00:19:35,117 - HOW 'BOUT THAT? I GOT DIGITS. 581 00:19:35,150 --> 00:19:36,586 - YOU GOT DIGITS. 582 00:19:36,619 --> 00:19:38,020 - AND I THINK HE'S PRETTIER THAN ME. 583 00:19:38,053 --> 00:19:39,722 - NOT A CHANCE. - OKAY, SO APPLY ICE AS NEEDED. 584 00:19:39,755 --> 00:19:42,124 AVOID STRENUOUS ACTIVITY FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS. 585 00:19:42,157 --> 00:19:43,559 MAYBE STOP UNDERESTIMATING WOMEN 586 00:19:43,593 --> 00:19:45,094 OR WEAR A CUP. 587 00:19:45,127 --> 00:19:46,729 IT'S YOUR CALL. 588 00:19:46,762 --> 00:19:48,264 - HOW'S HE DOING? 589 00:19:48,298 --> 00:19:49,565 - NOT GONNA BE PATROLLING THE STREETS 590 00:19:49,599 --> 00:19:50,533 ON HIS BIKE ANYTIME SOON. 591 00:19:50,566 --> 00:19:52,702 - HE'S A BIKE COP? 592 00:19:52,735 --> 00:19:55,471 - YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY GLAD I CAME TO THIS WITH YOU GUYS. 593 00:19:55,505 --> 00:19:57,640 JEFF ISN'T MARRYING THE KNOCK-OFF VERSION OF ME. 594 00:19:57,673 --> 00:19:59,309 HE'S MARRYING A BETTER VERSION OF ME. 595 00:19:59,342 --> 00:20:01,043 - WHAT? THAT DUDE? NO WAY. 596 00:20:01,076 --> 00:20:02,745 - IT'S OKAY, BRO. IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME, HONESTLY. 597 00:20:02,778 --> 00:20:04,647 I REALIZE NOW I REALLY AM OVER JEFF. 598 00:20:04,680 --> 00:20:06,949 I DON'T WANT HIM. I JUST WANT WHAT HE HAS. 599 00:20:06,982 --> 00:20:08,784 HE FOUND HIS SOUL MATE. HE FOUND THE ONE. 600 00:20:08,818 --> 00:20:11,621 THAT'S WHAT I WANT. 601 00:20:11,654 --> 00:20:13,489 I'M DONE WITH RANDOM HOOKUPS, CHASING TAIL. 602 00:20:13,523 --> 00:20:15,291 DONE WITH IT. 603 00:20:15,325 --> 00:20:17,092 I WANT SOMETHING MEANINGFUL, SOMETHING PERMANENT. 604 00:20:17,126 --> 00:20:19,395 - I'M FEELING SOME GROWTH HERE TODAY. 605 00:20:19,429 --> 00:20:21,297 - I DO WANNA GET MARRIED, HAVE A COUPLE KIDS, 606 00:20:21,331 --> 00:20:23,999 AND I WANT THE GUY THAT I CAN STAND UP WITH 607 00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:25,768 IN FRONT OF ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY 608 00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:29,339 AND SAY, "THIS IS MY MAN. MY SOUL MATE." 609 00:20:29,372 --> 00:20:31,674 THAT'S WHY GOD PUT US ON THIS EARTH. 610 00:20:31,707 --> 00:20:35,144 I AM A CHANGED MAN. THIS WEDDING HAS CHANGED ME. 611 00:20:35,177 --> 00:20:37,513 THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO ME TODAY. 612 00:20:37,547 --> 00:20:40,149 HOLY SH--, LOOK AT THAT ASS. I'LL SEE Y'ALL LATER. 613 00:20:40,182 --> 00:20:41,851 - WHOA, WHAT ABOUT THE SPEECH YOU JUST GAVE 614 00:20:41,884 --> 00:20:43,453 AND FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE? 615 00:20:43,486 --> 00:20:45,187 - LOOK, MAYBE THIS IS HIM. 616 00:20:45,220 --> 00:20:47,523 I GOTTA START THE SEARCH SOMEWHERE. 617 00:20:47,557 --> 00:20:49,525 [upbeat music] HEY, BUDDY, HOW ARE YOU? 618 00:20:49,559 --> 00:20:51,494 - I LOVE THIS SONG. 619 00:20:51,527 --> 00:20:54,697 - WELL, THEN TAKE MY HAND, MY DEAR. 620 00:20:54,730 --> 00:20:55,831 - YEAH? - YEAH. 621 00:20:55,865 --> 00:20:57,700 - OOH. 622 00:20:57,733 --> 00:21:00,002 - YOU KNOW, SINCE I LEARNED TO DANCE A LITTLE BIT, 623 00:21:00,035 --> 00:21:01,804 I'M, LIKE, 20% LESS SCARED TO GET MARRIED. 624 00:21:01,837 --> 00:21:03,439 - HOW DRUNK ARE YOU EXACTLY? 625 00:21:03,473 --> 00:21:05,675 - UH, JUST ABOUT THE RIGHT EXACT AMOUNT, I THINK. 626 00:21:05,708 --> 00:21:07,710 - WHOO-HOO! 627 00:21:07,743 --> 00:21:09,712 - LOOK AT THIS. 628 00:21:09,745 --> 00:21:12,382 * 629 00:21:12,415 --> 00:21:14,484 - WHAT ARE YOU DOING, BRIAN? 630 00:21:14,517 --> 00:21:15,551 - THE FOXTROT. 631 00:21:15,585 --> 00:21:17,620 NOBODY PUTS BABY IN A CORNER. 632 00:21:17,653 --> 00:21:25,695 * 633 00:21:34,837 --> 00:21:37,740 [hip-hop music] 634 00:21:37,773 --> 00:21:45,848 *