1 00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:04,381 [thunder] 2 00:00:04,415 --> 00:00:06,250 [sirens blaring] 3 00:00:06,283 --> 00:00:09,019 - LIGHTNING STRIKE. 24. TWO CARS ON SITE. 4 00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:10,521 - MY MOTHER, SHE WAS HIT. 5 00:00:10,554 --> 00:00:12,456 - SHE WAS HOLDING MR. JOHNSON'S HAND 6 00:00:12,489 --> 00:00:13,557 AND LEADING HIM IN A SALVATION PRAYER FOR HIS SOUL 7 00:00:13,590 --> 00:00:15,126 WHEN WE HEARD THIS LOUD BOOM. 8 00:00:15,159 --> 00:00:17,228 - VOODOO AND STATS, WE GOT THE MOM. 9 00:00:17,261 --> 00:00:19,530 DEUCE AND MOUSSE, TAKE MR. JOHNSON. 10 00:00:19,563 --> 00:00:21,432 - THERE ARE 25 MILLION LIGHTNING STRIKES A YEAR 11 00:00:21,465 --> 00:00:22,633 IN THE UNITED STATES, 12 00:00:22,666 --> 00:00:24,067 400 OF WHICH INCLUDE HUMAN CONTACT, 13 00:00:24,101 --> 00:00:26,203 ONLY 10% OF WHICH INCUR FATALITY. 14 00:00:26,237 --> 00:00:27,871 - IS THIS TRUE? 15 00:00:27,904 --> 00:00:29,106 - MA'AM, IF IT COMES OUT OF HER MOUTH, 16 00:00:29,140 --> 00:00:31,041 YOU CAN TAKE IT TO THE BANK. - OKAY. 17 00:00:31,074 --> 00:00:33,377 - GET THEM ON THE STRETCHERS AND IN THE RIGS, FAST. 18 00:00:33,410 --> 00:00:35,212 - HEY, DRESS THAT BURN, BRIAN. 19 00:00:35,246 --> 00:00:38,048 - STATS, A.E.D. 20 00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:39,650 - THE SYMPATHETIC NERVOUS SYSTEM MAY RESPOND 21 00:00:39,683 --> 00:00:41,485 WITH MASSIVE VASOCONSTRICTION PRODUCING HYPERTENSION. 22 00:00:41,518 --> 00:00:42,619 - HOW YOU DOING OVER THERE, MOUSSE? 23 00:00:42,653 --> 00:00:47,558 - ALMOST READY, CASH. OW! 24 00:00:47,591 --> 00:00:50,161 HELLO! SIR, CAN YOU HEAR ME? 25 00:00:50,194 --> 00:00:53,997 THIS ONE'S COMING AROUND. LET'S GET HIM IN THE RIG. 26 00:00:55,666 --> 00:00:57,134 - LACK OF AN ENTRY WOUND INDICATES SIDE SPLASH. 27 00:00:57,168 --> 00:00:58,902 - GOOD EYES, STATS. 28 00:00:58,935 --> 00:01:01,938 BOUNCED RIGHT OFF THE STEEPLE AND INTO THEM. 29 00:01:01,972 --> 00:01:05,442 - I'M GONNA TAKE A QUICK LOOK. FLATLINE. 30 00:01:05,476 --> 00:01:07,278 [monitor flatlining] SHE'S GONE. 31 00:01:07,311 --> 00:01:08,845 - [gasps] 32 00:01:08,879 --> 00:01:10,581 - OKAY, FOLKS. CLEAR A PATH, PLEASE. 33 00:01:10,614 --> 00:01:13,116 - SIR, WE'RE HERE TO HELP YOU. 34 00:01:13,150 --> 00:01:14,285 MY GUT SAYS TEMPORARY HEARING LOSS. 35 00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:15,452 [camera snaps] 36 00:01:15,486 --> 00:01:17,521 - SHOULD I BE TAKING PICTURES? 37 00:01:17,554 --> 00:01:19,089 - NO, YOU KNOW HOW MOST PEOPLE SAY THEY AIN'T IN THIS JOB 38 00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,791 FOR THE BLOOD AND THE GUTS? 39 00:01:20,824 --> 00:01:22,025 VOODOO'S IN THIS JOB FOR THE BLOOD AND THE GUTS. 40 00:01:22,058 --> 00:01:23,427 SHE TAKES PICTURES OF WEIRD SH--. 41 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,196 YOU SHOULD SEE HER SEVERED LIMB SERIES. 42 00:01:25,229 --> 00:01:28,199 BUT DON'T DO IT AFTER LUNCH. 43 00:01:28,232 --> 00:01:31,001 - MY GOLD CHAIN IS MISSING. I HAD A GOLD CHAIN. 44 00:01:31,034 --> 00:01:33,770 OH, MAN, I CAN'T HEAR. I'M DEAF. 45 00:01:33,804 --> 00:01:35,606 I SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET THAT BITCH GRAB MY HAND. 46 00:01:35,639 --> 00:01:37,974 - IT'S A COMMON SIDE EFFECT FROM LIGHTNING STRIKES, SIR. 47 00:01:38,008 --> 00:01:39,643 - WHAT? - IT'LL PASS, IT'S TEMPORARY. 48 00:01:39,676 --> 00:01:41,478 LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. AT LEAST YOU'RE ALIVE. 49 00:01:41,512 --> 00:01:43,980 - I'M SUING HER, AND I'M SUING THIS GODDAMN CHURCH! 50 00:01:44,014 --> 00:01:46,483 AND I'M SUING YOUR MONKEY ASS. I'M SUING HIM AND HIM. 51 00:01:46,517 --> 00:01:48,051 - PLEASE CALM DOWN, SIR. PLEASE CALM DOWN. 52 00:01:48,084 --> 00:01:49,820 - YOU DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, DO YOU? 53 00:01:49,853 --> 00:01:51,722 - I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BABY. YOU A FAT, UNGRATEFUL RIM JOB. 54 00:01:51,755 --> 00:01:54,057 - WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. - UH-HUH. 55 00:01:54,090 --> 00:01:55,559 - WHY WAS CASH CALLING YOU GUYS MOUSSE AND DEUCE? 56 00:01:55,592 --> 00:01:56,793 - OH, HE'S MOUSSE BECAUSE CASH THINKS 57 00:01:56,827 --> 00:01:58,362 HE USES TOO MUCH MOUSSE IN HIS HAIR. 58 00:01:58,395 --> 00:02:00,397 - IT'S A PASTE. IT'S A CONDITIONING PASTE. 59 00:02:00,431 --> 00:02:01,398 - AND I'M DEUCE BECAUSE I'M THE SECOND BLACK GUY 60 00:02:01,432 --> 00:02:03,400 TO WORK IN HIS UNIT. 61 00:02:03,434 --> 00:02:05,135 - THIS DAMN GURNEY! THIS SH--'S TOO SMALL, MAN. 62 00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:07,204 - SU-- ON SATAN'S NUT SACK, SIR. - WHAT? 63 00:02:07,238 --> 00:02:08,205 I CAN'T HEAR YOU. 64 00:02:08,239 --> 00:02:11,141 - HE SAID, FELCH A WET FART 65 00:02:11,174 --> 00:02:13,244 FROM A RED MONKEY'S ASS. 66 00:02:13,277 --> 00:02:15,246 [sirens blaring] 67 00:02:15,279 --> 00:02:17,080 YOU COMFORTABLE, KING BITCHTITS? - HUH? 68 00:02:17,113 --> 00:02:18,749 - YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE BALL SWEAT. 69 00:02:18,782 --> 00:02:21,218 - SO VAL'S "VOODOO" BECAUSE OF THE BLOOD AND GUTS. 70 00:02:21,252 --> 00:02:22,486 - HER NAME IS VALENTINA DUNACCI, 71 00:02:22,519 --> 00:02:24,087 SO THERE'S A LITTLE WORDPLAY TO IT. 72 00:02:24,120 --> 00:02:26,323 - AND STATS HAS WHAT, ASPERGER'S? 73 00:02:26,357 --> 00:02:27,724 - OH, YEAH. 74 00:02:27,758 --> 00:02:30,193 O.C.D., A.D.D., G.A.D.S. ALL THE "D"s. 75 00:02:30,227 --> 00:02:31,662 - SHE'S A GENIUS, 76 00:02:31,695 --> 00:02:32,529 BUT JUST DON'T HAND HER AN ODD NUMBER OF GRAPES. 77 00:02:32,563 --> 00:02:33,597 THAT WAS A BAD DAY. 78 00:02:33,630 --> 00:02:35,599 - I THOUGHT THERE WERE 12. 79 00:02:35,632 --> 00:02:37,501 - SHOULD HAVE NEVER LET THAT BITCH TOUCH MY HAND. 80 00:02:37,534 --> 00:02:39,370 - WOULD YOU LIKE A HOT CUP OF CUM BUBBLES, MR. DILDO? 81 00:02:39,403 --> 00:02:40,571 - LITTLE CUM BUBBLE? 82 00:02:40,604 --> 00:02:42,005 - YEAH. YEAH. - OKAY. 83 00:02:42,038 --> 00:02:43,740 [sirens blaring] 84 00:02:43,774 --> 00:02:46,243 - BOY, I'D LOVE TO HAVE A NICKNAME. 85 00:02:46,277 --> 00:02:48,612 - CASH IS IN CHARGE OF ALL NICKNAMES. 86 00:02:48,645 --> 00:02:50,080 - HE'S CASH, AS IN CASH MONEY? 87 00:02:50,113 --> 00:02:52,215 - CASH AS IN CASSIUS CLAY O'NEAL. 88 00:02:52,249 --> 00:02:53,216 - YEAH, WHEN CASSIUS CLAY 89 00:02:53,250 --> 00:02:54,285 CHANGED HIS NAME TO MUHAMMAD ALI, 90 00:02:54,318 --> 00:02:55,286 CASH BECAME CASSIUS CLAY. 91 00:02:55,319 --> 00:02:57,053 - WHY? 92 00:02:57,087 --> 00:02:58,188 - I ASKED HIM WHY ONCE. YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID? 93 00:02:58,221 --> 00:02:59,956 "BLOW ME, THAT'S WHY." 94 00:02:59,990 --> 00:03:01,692 - THIS THING DRIVES LIKE A DUMP TRUCK. 95 00:03:01,725 --> 00:03:03,560 I'M SUING YOUR COMPANY TOO. DON'T THINK YOU'RE SAFE. 96 00:03:03,594 --> 00:03:04,761 YOUR MONKEY ASS AIN'T SAFE. 97 00:03:04,795 --> 00:03:06,029 - SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO HIM, BRI. 98 00:03:06,062 --> 00:03:07,398 - I DON'T KNOW. - COME ON, MAN. 99 00:03:07,431 --> 00:03:09,633 HE'S A LOUD, MALODOROUS, TWAT WAFFLE... 100 00:03:09,666 --> 00:03:11,302 - [chuckles] 101 00:03:11,335 --> 00:03:13,570 - ATTACHED TO THE ANUS OF THE EARTH. 102 00:03:13,604 --> 00:03:15,038 COME ON, HE DEAF AS A DOORJAMB. 103 00:03:15,071 --> 00:03:16,239 - I CAN'T. I CAN'T. I CAN'T. 104 00:03:16,273 --> 00:03:18,074 OKAY. UH, HEY. 105 00:03:18,108 --> 00:03:21,478 [clears throat] 106 00:03:21,512 --> 00:03:24,748 I DON'T LIKE YOUR SHOES. 107 00:03:24,781 --> 00:03:26,417 - HEY, THESE ARE ITALIAN LEATHER. 108 00:03:26,450 --> 00:03:27,384 WHAT YOUR MONKEY ASS KNOW ABOUT SHOES? 109 00:03:27,418 --> 00:03:28,819 - OH, NOT THE MAN'S SHOES. 110 00:03:28,852 --> 00:03:29,586 - I TAKE IT BACK. NO, I LIKE YOUR SHOES. 111 00:03:29,620 --> 00:03:30,654 - BRAD PITT WORE THESE MOTHERS 112 00:03:30,687 --> 00:03:31,655 IN OCEAN'S ELEVEN. 113 00:03:31,688 --> 00:03:34,625 [funky music] 114 00:03:34,658 --> 00:03:42,666 * 115 00:03:51,274 --> 00:03:54,645 [static, sweeping frequencies] 116 00:03:54,678 --> 00:03:58,114 [indistinct P.A. announcement] 117 00:03:58,148 --> 00:04:01,151 - I JUST--I DON'T SEE WHY A SWEET, CHARITABLE, 118 00:04:01,184 --> 00:04:03,620 UNSELFISH SOUL LIKE THAT LADY HAS TO DIE, 119 00:04:03,654 --> 00:04:04,621 WHILE THAT JAG BAG, 120 00:04:04,655 --> 00:04:06,423 TAINT-LICKING... - DICK. 121 00:04:06,457 --> 00:04:07,858 - DICK THAT WE HAVE GETS TO LIVE. 122 00:04:07,891 --> 00:04:09,660 IT REALLY THROWS MY FAITH IN GOD FOR A LOOP. 123 00:04:09,693 --> 00:04:11,828 - 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT IT THE WRONG WAY, SON. 124 00:04:11,862 --> 00:04:13,864 GOD DELIVERED HER INTO HIS KINGDOM 125 00:04:13,897 --> 00:04:15,499 AND LEFT THE OTHER ASSHOLE TRAPPED 126 00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:18,168 IN AN EARTHLY PRISON OF VANITY AND GREED. 127 00:04:18,201 --> 00:04:19,936 IF YOU WERE IN HEAVEN, 128 00:04:19,970 --> 00:04:22,105 WOULDN'T YOU WANT TO BE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE YOU LIKE? 129 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:26,142 - YES. - AND GIANT 3-D PLASMA TVs. 130 00:04:26,176 --> 00:04:28,178 - GOD SMITES THE GOOD TO FULFILL THEIR WISHES 131 00:04:28,211 --> 00:04:29,946 TO BE DELIVERED UNTO HIM. 132 00:04:29,980 --> 00:04:31,014 - I'M TOTALLY DOWN WITH BEING DELIVERED UNTO HIM, 133 00:04:31,047 --> 00:04:32,516 I JUST HOPE IT HAPPENS 134 00:04:32,549 --> 00:04:34,050 WITH A BIG OLD PAIR OF TITTIES IN MY FACE. 135 00:04:34,084 --> 00:04:35,886 - BOY, YOU BETTER START BANKING SOME KARMA, 136 00:04:35,919 --> 00:04:37,153 OTHERWISE YOU'RE GONNA BE STUCK 137 00:04:37,187 --> 00:04:39,556 WITH THE ASSHOLES FOR ETERNITY. 138 00:04:39,590 --> 00:04:41,057 GIVE UNTO OTHERS, THAT'S THE KEY. 139 00:04:41,091 --> 00:04:43,627 - WHAT DO YOU DO, CASSIUS? - FRESH AIR FUND. 140 00:04:43,660 --> 00:04:45,195 EVERY SUMMER, I TAKE A BUNCH OF CITY KIDS 141 00:04:45,228 --> 00:04:47,564 OUT TO A CAMP ON THE LAKE. 142 00:04:47,598 --> 00:04:49,165 TWO WEEKS OF PURE HEAVEN. 143 00:04:49,199 --> 00:04:50,401 - YOU'RE A CAMP COUNSELOR? 144 00:04:50,434 --> 00:04:52,302 - HELL, NO. I GO FISHING. 145 00:04:52,335 --> 00:04:55,305 DROP THEM KIDS OFF AND SPEND TWO WEEKS ALONE. 146 00:04:55,338 --> 00:04:57,841 KIDS GET FRESH AIR. I GET FRESHWATER TROUT. 147 00:04:57,874 --> 00:05:00,210 - I DO A LOT OF VOLUNTEER WORK. 148 00:05:00,243 --> 00:05:03,113 - OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, KEVIN. 149 00:05:04,548 --> 00:05:05,482 - MY NAME'S BRIAN. 150 00:05:05,516 --> 00:05:09,019 - YOU LOOK LIKE A KEVIN. 151 00:05:09,052 --> 00:05:12,188 - WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE A NICKNAME, 152 00:05:12,222 --> 00:05:14,324 THEN YOU COULD JUST CALL ME BY THAT. 153 00:05:14,357 --> 00:05:17,227 - OKAY, YOUR NICKNAME IS KEVIN. 154 00:05:18,862 --> 00:05:20,597 YOU-- - LOOK, KID. 155 00:05:20,631 --> 00:05:22,165 YOU LOOK LIKE A KEVIN. 156 00:05:22,198 --> 00:05:23,667 I'M GOING TO BE CALLING YOU KEVIN BY MISTAKE 157 00:05:23,700 --> 00:05:25,335 HALF THE TIME... - RIGHT. 158 00:05:25,368 --> 00:05:27,003 - SO IT MAKES MORE GODDAMN SENSE 159 00:05:27,037 --> 00:05:29,573 TO NICKNAME YOU KEVIN AND CALL YOU GODDAMN KEVIN. 160 00:05:29,606 --> 00:05:31,107 - YEAH, IT'S JUST THAT, YOU KNOW, 161 00:05:31,141 --> 00:05:32,676 MY COUSIN'S NAME'S KEVIN, SO IT COULD GET 162 00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:34,511 A LITTLE CONFUSING, SO MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST-- 163 00:05:34,545 --> 00:05:36,447 - GO GET MY SLEEPING MASK OUT OF MY LOCKER, 164 00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:39,716 TOP SHELF, KEVIN! - OKAY. 165 00:05:39,750 --> 00:05:42,252 - I TELL YOU SUCKERS ONE THING I CAN PERSONALLY GUARANTEE. 166 00:05:42,285 --> 00:05:44,220 YOU WANT SOME BAD KARMA? 167 00:05:44,254 --> 00:05:45,622 TRY TAKING ONE OF MY TWIXES. 168 00:05:45,656 --> 00:05:47,858 EXACTLY 13 CHILLY ONES LEFT. 169 00:05:47,891 --> 00:05:49,693 - YOU GOT A CHARITY, VOO? 170 00:05:49,726 --> 00:05:51,795 - I JUST TRY TO SEND OUT A LOT OF POSITIVE VIBES 171 00:05:51,828 --> 00:05:54,598 INTO THE WORLD EVERY SINGLE DAY. 172 00:05:54,631 --> 00:05:58,435 I'M DOING IT RIGHT NOW. 173 00:05:58,469 --> 00:06:00,270 - YES, YOU ARE. 174 00:06:01,972 --> 00:06:03,306 - THOSE ARE GOGGLES, ASSHOLE. 175 00:06:03,339 --> 00:06:04,641 WHEN'S THE LAST TIME YOU SAW SOMEBODY 176 00:06:04,675 --> 00:06:07,210 TAKING A NAP UNDERWATER, DENNIS? 177 00:06:07,243 --> 00:06:08,812 - IT'S KEVIN. 178 00:06:08,845 --> 00:06:10,313 - I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANY OF THIS KARMA, 179 00:06:10,346 --> 00:06:12,749 POSITIVE ENERGY BULLSH--. 180 00:06:12,783 --> 00:06:14,451 - NO? - NO. 181 00:06:14,485 --> 00:06:16,086 I'M OLD SCHOOL, OLD TESTAMENT OLD SCHOOL. 182 00:06:16,119 --> 00:06:17,488 - WHICH MEANS YOU BELIEVE IN WHAT? 183 00:06:17,521 --> 00:06:19,255 - VENGEANCE. 184 00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:20,290 PURE, UNADULTERATED, BIBLICAL VENGEANCE. 185 00:06:20,323 --> 00:06:21,625 - AN EYE FOR AN EYE? 186 00:06:21,658 --> 00:06:23,159 - EYE FOR AN EYE'S FOR PUSSIES. 187 00:06:23,193 --> 00:06:24,961 YOU TAKE MY EYE, I'M TAKING BOTH OF YOURS. 188 00:06:24,995 --> 00:06:27,464 - THAT'S SOME HARD-CORE SH--. - IT'S COMMON SENSE. 189 00:06:27,498 --> 00:06:28,732 - WHAT DO YOU DO TO GIVE BACK? 190 00:06:28,765 --> 00:06:30,734 - I WORK WITH THE BLIND. 191 00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:33,403 HOW ABOUT YOU, STATS? YOU DO ANY CHARITY WORK? 192 00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,638 - FOUR, FIVE, SIX, SEVEN-- 193 00:06:34,671 --> 00:06:36,740 I WORK WITH SPECIAL NEEDS. EIGHT. 194 00:06:36,773 --> 00:06:38,241 - WHAT DO YOU TWO DO TO GIVE BACK? 195 00:06:38,274 --> 00:06:40,511 - I'M HELPING TO PROVIDE CLEAN DRINKING WATER 196 00:06:40,544 --> 00:06:42,679 TO THE IMPOVERISHED PEOPLE OF MYSORE 197 00:06:42,713 --> 00:06:45,782 IN THE KARNATAKA DISTRICT OF INDIA. 198 00:06:45,816 --> 00:06:48,418 - WOW. 199 00:06:48,451 --> 00:06:49,786 - THAT'S A BUNCH OF BULLSH--. - WHAT? 200 00:06:49,820 --> 00:06:51,154 - HE LIKED THE BOURNE SUPREMACY SO MUCH, 201 00:06:51,187 --> 00:06:52,789 HE WENT ONLINE AFTER HE WATCHED IT 202 00:06:52,823 --> 00:06:54,357 AND DONATED 20 BUCKS TO MATT DAMON'S WATER WEBSITE. 203 00:06:54,390 --> 00:06:56,426 - YOU DID? - YEAH. 204 00:06:56,459 --> 00:06:57,861 I'M GONNA. 205 00:06:57,894 --> 00:06:59,530 IT WAS TWO WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS. 206 00:06:59,563 --> 00:07:01,097 I WAS STRAPPED FOR CASH. 207 00:07:01,131 --> 00:07:02,533 THERESA'S GOT, LIKE, NINE NIECES AND NEPHEWS. 208 00:07:02,566 --> 00:07:04,835 BESIDES, WHAT DO YOU DO TO GIVE BACK? 209 00:07:04,868 --> 00:07:06,770 - MEALS ON WHEELS. - DON'T SAY "MEALS ON WHEELS." 210 00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,338 HIS EX, JEFF THE CHEF, 211 00:07:08,371 --> 00:07:09,840 ASKED HIM TO HELP OUT WITH MEALS ON WHEELS, 212 00:07:09,873 --> 00:07:10,974 DO A LITTLE DRIVING. GUESS WHAT, HE WAS TOO BUSY. 213 00:07:11,007 --> 00:07:12,676 - IT WAS DURING THE PLAYOFFS. 214 00:07:12,709 --> 00:07:14,711 IT IS NOT MY FAULT THE BLACKHAWKS WON THE STANLEY CUP. 215 00:07:14,745 --> 00:07:17,714 BESIDES, YOU DIDN'T DO THE DOG RESCUE THING 216 00:07:17,748 --> 00:07:19,683 THERESA ASKED YOU TO DO. - I DROVE HER DOWN THERE. 217 00:07:19,716 --> 00:07:20,951 - AND YOU COULDN'T DROP OFF SOME FOOD 218 00:07:20,984 --> 00:07:22,485 TO POOR PEOPLE ON YOUR WAY BACK? 219 00:07:22,519 --> 00:07:23,854 - WELL, EXCUSE ME, SAINT FRANCIS OF ASSISI, 220 00:07:23,887 --> 00:07:24,955 BUT SOME PEOPLE WORK FOR A LIVING. 221 00:07:24,988 --> 00:07:26,523 - YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS. 222 00:07:26,557 --> 00:07:28,024 - RELAX, I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU. 223 00:07:28,058 --> 00:07:29,693 CITY'S BEEN AFTER ME TO DONATE DUMMIES, 224 00:07:29,726 --> 00:07:31,194 TEACH KIDS CPR. 225 00:07:31,227 --> 00:07:33,463 YOU TWO AGREE TO TAKE OUT A RIG ON YOUR DAY OFF, 226 00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:35,231 I'LL LET THE PARKS DEPARTMENT KNOW YOU'RE COMING. 227 00:07:35,265 --> 00:07:37,834 LITTLE KIDS GET TO LEARN HOW TO BE LIFESAVERS, 228 00:07:37,868 --> 00:07:39,703 YOU GUYS GET TO LEARN HOW TO BE CHARITABLE, 229 00:07:39,736 --> 00:07:42,505 AND MY BOSS LOVES MY ASS. 230 00:07:42,539 --> 00:07:44,207 THAT'S A GOOD KARMA GRAND SLAM. 231 00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:45,408 - OH, YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT. - OH, DONE DEAL. 232 00:07:45,441 --> 00:07:46,509 ABSOLUTELY. - SOUNDS GREAT. 233 00:07:46,543 --> 00:07:48,411 - HEY, WE GOT THIS. - GOOD. 234 00:07:53,049 --> 00:07:55,218 - HOW MANY KIDS SIGNED UP? - PARK DIRECTOR SAID AROUND 15. 235 00:07:55,251 --> 00:07:57,053 - OH, THIS IS SO COOL. 236 00:07:57,087 --> 00:07:58,855 15 KIDS WHO WILL POTENTIALLY BE ABLE TO SAVE A LIFE SOMEDAY. 237 00:07:58,889 --> 00:08:00,223 I'M SO GLAD WE'RE DOING THIS. 238 00:08:00,256 --> 00:08:01,592 - MAN, WE REALLY GONNA MAKE A DIFFERENCE. 239 00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:02,893 WE SHOULD DO THIS, LIKE, ONCE A MONTH. 240 00:08:02,926 --> 00:08:04,427 - MM-HMM, MAYBE TWICE A MONTH. - HELLO. 241 00:08:04,460 --> 00:08:07,397 - JUST SAYING, YOU NEVER KNOW. - HUH, WH-- 242 00:08:07,430 --> 00:08:08,999 WHAT? 243 00:08:09,032 --> 00:08:12,736 - I'M JUST SO PROUD OF YOU GUYS. 244 00:08:12,769 --> 00:08:14,504 - THIS CAME FOR YOU, HANK. 245 00:08:14,537 --> 00:08:16,339 SOME FANCY-LOOKING GUY IN A TOWN CAR DROPPED IT OFF. 246 00:08:16,372 --> 00:08:17,941 GUYS, KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON THESE DUMMIES. 247 00:08:17,974 --> 00:08:20,043 THEY COST 800 BUCKS APIECE. 248 00:08:20,076 --> 00:08:21,011 YOU'LL HAVE TO START YOUR OWN CHARITY TO PAY ME BACK 249 00:08:21,044 --> 00:08:22,613 IF A COUPLE OF THEM GO SOUTH. 250 00:08:22,646 --> 00:08:23,680 - WE'LL HAVE THEM BACK SAFE AND SOUND 251 00:08:23,714 --> 00:08:24,681 IN FIVE HOURS' TIME, BOSS. 252 00:08:24,715 --> 00:08:28,051 [exhales] 253 00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:29,686 WHAT? 254 00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,421 - THE GUY WE SAVED YESTERDAY. 255 00:08:31,454 --> 00:08:32,689 - YOU MEAN THE GUARANTEED FIRST BALLOT MEMBER 256 00:08:32,723 --> 00:08:34,591 OF THE DOUCHE BAG HALL OF FAME? 257 00:08:34,625 --> 00:08:37,560 - HE JUST SENT US TWO TICKETS TO TODAY'S BEARS-PACKERS GAME. 258 00:08:37,594 --> 00:08:39,730 - PEOPLE CHANGE. - 50-YARD LINE. 259 00:08:39,763 --> 00:08:40,931 VIP SUITE. - [gasps] 260 00:08:40,964 --> 00:08:43,634 THEY GOT GOAT CHEESE UP THERE. 261 00:08:43,667 --> 00:08:45,035 IT'S NOT DOUCHEY IF IT'S FREE. 262 00:08:45,068 --> 00:08:47,638 - THE GAME STARTS AT NOON, THOUGH. 263 00:08:47,671 --> 00:08:52,042 - [groans] WHAT A BUMMER, GUYS. 264 00:08:52,075 --> 00:08:54,978 CLASS ISN'T OVER TILL AFTER THE GAME. 265 00:08:55,011 --> 00:08:58,281 - I KNOW. 266 00:09:01,351 --> 00:09:02,552 SO WHEN YOU'RE DONE TEACHING THE CLASS, 267 00:09:02,585 --> 00:09:04,655 BE SURE TO BRING THE DUMMIES BACK HERE, 268 00:09:04,688 --> 00:09:06,289 WASH THEM DOWN, POLISH THEM UP, THERE'S THE KEYS. THANKS. 269 00:09:06,322 --> 00:09:07,624 - WE'LL BRING YOU BACK A JAY CUTLER T-SHIRT. 270 00:09:07,658 --> 00:09:08,659 - MM-HMM. - HEY, OKAY. 271 00:09:08,692 --> 00:09:10,160 YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT BAD KARMA, 272 00:09:10,193 --> 00:09:12,062 THIS IS GENUINELY TERRIBLE KARMA. 273 00:09:12,095 --> 00:09:14,464 WE ORGANIZED THIS EVENT TO GIVE BACK TO THE COMMUNITY, 274 00:09:14,497 --> 00:09:16,800 TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, TO INCREASE PUBLIC SAFETY, 275 00:09:16,833 --> 00:09:18,101 AND SAVE LIVES. 276 00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:18,835 AND NOW YOU'RE WILLING TO PROSTITUTE IT 277 00:09:18,869 --> 00:09:21,404 FOR PERSONAL GAIN? 278 00:09:21,437 --> 00:09:23,740 THAT'S RIGHT. 279 00:09:23,774 --> 00:09:27,377 I USED THE WORD "PROSTITUTE" AS A VERB. 280 00:09:30,013 --> 00:09:32,082 - HE'S RIGHT, JOHN. THE KIDS. 281 00:09:32,115 --> 00:09:33,116 - I KNOW. THE KIDS, WE OWE THEM. 282 00:09:33,149 --> 00:09:35,118 - WE MOST CERTAINLY DO. 283 00:09:35,151 --> 00:09:37,487 - WHICH IS WHY WE'RE GONNA HAUL ASS DOWN TO DOUGLAS PARK, 284 00:09:37,520 --> 00:09:38,922 CUT THE CLASS DOWN TO 15 MINUTES, 285 00:09:38,955 --> 00:09:40,356 HAUL ASS BACK HERE, 286 00:09:40,390 --> 00:09:41,491 WE'LL HAVE VIP PRETZELS WITH GOAT CHEESE ON THEM 287 00:09:41,524 --> 00:09:43,193 BY KICKOFF, BOY. - WHAT? NO. 288 00:09:43,226 --> 00:09:44,828 THIS IS SO WRONG, GUYS. - WHAT'S SO WRONG ABOUT IT? 289 00:09:44,861 --> 00:09:46,830 - I BEG YOUR PARDON. I DON'T QUITE UNDERSTAND. 290 00:09:46,863 --> 00:09:47,998 - LOOK, IF, GOD FORBID, THEY HAVE TO PERFORM CPR ON SOMEONE, 291 00:09:48,031 --> 00:09:49,165 IT MEANS THAT SOMEONE IS EITHER DEAD OR DYING, 292 00:09:49,199 --> 00:09:50,967 SO THEY NEED TO DO IT FAST ANYWAYS. 293 00:09:51,001 --> 00:09:54,470 - WE'RE NOT TEACHING CPR, WE'RE TEACHING SPEED-PR. 294 00:09:54,504 --> 00:09:56,539 [mimics explosion] - WAIT, SPEED-- 295 00:09:56,572 --> 00:09:58,041 OH, SPEED-PR! THAT'S THE WAY TO DO IT. 296 00:09:58,074 --> 00:09:59,676 - WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? - YES, ABSOLUTELY. 297 00:09:59,710 --> 00:10:02,378 - I THINK THIS IS VERY BAD KARMA. 298 00:10:04,080 --> 00:10:06,717 - BEARS-PACKERS, 50-YARD LINE, 299 00:10:06,750 --> 00:10:08,618 CHEESE FROM A GOAT. - HMM. 300 00:10:08,651 --> 00:10:10,553 - THIS IS NOT BAD KARMA, 301 00:10:10,586 --> 00:10:12,022 IT'S A DIRECT MESSAGE FROM THE SON OF GOD HIMSELF. 302 00:10:12,055 --> 00:10:14,557 - MAYBE WE SHOULD BE ASKING OURSELVES 303 00:10:14,590 --> 00:10:16,492 THAT QUESTION, HMM? 304 00:10:16,526 --> 00:10:20,997 WHAT WOULD JESUS DO IN THIS PARTICULAR CIRCUMSTANCE? 305 00:10:21,031 --> 00:10:23,734 - HE'D REHIRE DITKA AND PASS AROUND A BOTTOMLESS JUG OF BEER. 306 00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:25,568 LET'S GO. - GIVE ME THE KEYS. 307 00:10:25,601 --> 00:10:26,569 GET IN THE RIG. 308 00:10:26,602 --> 00:10:29,239 - [sighs] 309 00:10:32,208 --> 00:10:33,810 - OKAY, KIDS, LISTEN UP, WE'RE GONNA BE TEACHING YOU 310 00:10:33,844 --> 00:10:35,478 A NEW TYPE OF CPR CALLED "SPEED-PR." 311 00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:37,413 WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME, 312 00:10:37,447 --> 00:10:39,582 SO WE'RE GONNA REALLY ROLL THROUGH THIS, OKAY? 313 00:10:39,615 --> 00:10:41,051 SO LET'S GET ROLLING. 314 00:10:41,084 --> 00:10:42,685 YES, DEION. 315 00:10:42,719 --> 00:10:44,420 - WHY DON'T WE HAVE ANY TIME? 316 00:10:44,454 --> 00:10:46,589 - OH, WELL, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU DO SPEED-PR, 317 00:10:46,622 --> 00:10:48,558 IT'S LIFE AND DEATH, IT'S SCARY, AND IT'S FAST. 318 00:10:48,591 --> 00:10:49,860 AND IT TAKES A LOT OF SPLIT-SECOND DECIS-- 319 00:10:49,893 --> 00:10:52,428 UH, DEYONDRE? 320 00:10:52,462 --> 00:10:54,330 - ISN'T THAT ALL THE MORE REASON WE SHOULD TAKE OUR TIME 321 00:10:54,364 --> 00:10:56,232 WHEN DEALING, EVEN HYPOTHETICALLY, 322 00:10:56,266 --> 00:10:59,102 WITH SUCH A SERIOUS MEDICAL SITUATION? 323 00:10:59,135 --> 00:11:01,371 - HOW OLD ARE YOU? - HOW OLD ARE YOU? 324 00:11:01,404 --> 00:11:04,007 - YES, DEVONDRE. - WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 325 00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:07,610 - I AM EMT JOHN FARRELL. 326 00:11:07,643 --> 00:11:09,112 - YES, DESHONDRE. 327 00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:11,247 - WHAT'S AN EMT? 328 00:11:11,281 --> 00:11:13,216 - IT STANDS FOR "EMERGENCY MEDICAL TECHNICIAN." 329 00:11:13,249 --> 00:11:14,684 NOW I THINK THE FIRST-- 330 00:11:14,717 --> 00:11:16,086 UH, DEION. 331 00:11:16,119 --> 00:11:18,121 - ARE YOU IN THE ARMY? 332 00:11:18,154 --> 00:11:19,756 - YEAH, IT'S A LOT LIKE THE ARMY, 333 00:11:19,790 --> 00:11:21,057 EXCEPT WE'RE SAVING LIVES RIGHT HERE IN CHICAGO. 334 00:11:21,091 --> 00:11:23,226 SO LISTEN UP, GUY-- YES, DEVONDRE? 335 00:11:23,259 --> 00:11:24,694 - ARE YOU A CAPTAIN? - YEAH. 336 00:11:24,727 --> 00:11:25,762 YEAH. I'M A CAPTAIN, WHATEVER. 337 00:11:25,796 --> 00:11:26,930 FIRST THINGS FIRST. 338 00:11:26,963 --> 00:11:27,764 - WHY DO YOU GET TO BE A CAPTAIN? 339 00:11:27,798 --> 00:11:29,199 - WHAT? 340 00:11:29,232 --> 00:11:30,533 - WHY DO YOU GET TO BE A CAPTAIN? 341 00:11:30,566 --> 00:11:31,734 - WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? 342 00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,103 - IT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE TO ME. 343 00:11:33,136 --> 00:11:34,704 WE STARTED AT THE SAME TIME. - OH! 344 00:11:34,737 --> 00:11:36,206 - AND I'M A BLACK MAN IN A POOR NEIGHBORHOOD, 345 00:11:36,239 --> 00:11:38,574 STANDING IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF PREDOMINANTLY BLACK-- 346 00:11:38,608 --> 00:11:41,311 I AM COLONEL HENRY ST. CLARE. 347 00:11:41,344 --> 00:11:43,579 AND AS CAPTAIN FARRELL'S COMMANDING OFFICER, 348 00:11:43,613 --> 00:11:44,915 I THINK THE FIRST THING WE SHOULD DO-- 349 00:11:44,948 --> 00:11:46,616 - WHY YOU DON'T GOT NO EPILEP? 350 00:11:46,649 --> 00:11:48,318 - WHY DON'T YOU HAVE NO EPILEPS, SIR? 351 00:11:48,351 --> 00:11:50,153 - WHAT THE HELL IS AN EPILEP? 352 00:11:50,186 --> 00:11:51,788 - MICHAEL JACKSON HAD EPILEPS ON ALL HIS JACKETS. 353 00:11:51,822 --> 00:11:53,656 WHY YOU DON'T? 354 00:11:53,689 --> 00:11:55,325 - MICHAEL JACKSON DIED FROM EPILEPS, HAD A SEIZURE. 355 00:11:55,358 --> 00:11:57,127 - ACTUALLY, NO. HE-- - UH, WHO ARE YOU? 356 00:11:57,160 --> 00:12:00,596 - WELL, "CLAREN-SAY"-- 357 00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:03,099 - UH, IT'S CLARENCE. 358 00:12:05,135 --> 00:12:09,605 - CLARENCE, I AM A... 359 00:12:09,639 --> 00:12:10,673 SERGEANT. 360 00:12:10,706 --> 00:12:12,075 - [chuckles] SERGEANT KEVIN. 361 00:12:12,108 --> 00:12:14,077 - BRIAN. 362 00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:15,812 - KEVIN BRIAN? 363 00:12:15,846 --> 00:12:18,014 THAT'S THE WHITEST NAME I EVER HEARD. 364 00:12:18,048 --> 00:12:20,516 OH, AND MY NAME'S ASHLEY. 365 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:22,152 - WHY ARE ALL THE DUMMIES WHITE? 366 00:12:22,185 --> 00:12:24,154 - WHITE PEOPLE DIE TOO. - NOT IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD. 367 00:12:24,187 --> 00:12:26,089 - OH, DESHONDRE, WHY ARE YOU KISSING THE DUMMY? 368 00:12:26,122 --> 00:12:28,424 - 'CAUSE I NEVER KISSED A WHITE BOY BEFORE. 369 00:12:28,458 --> 00:12:29,860 - AIN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KISS THE DEAD PERSON 370 00:12:29,893 --> 00:12:31,127 AND BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE? - SOMETIMES-- 371 00:12:31,161 --> 00:12:32,295 - WHY AIN'T THERE NO GIRL DUMMIES? 372 00:12:32,328 --> 00:12:33,663 - WHY THEY AIN'T GOT NO TITTIES? 373 00:12:33,696 --> 00:12:35,031 - OH. - UH, WITH THE LANGUAGE. 374 00:12:35,065 --> 00:12:36,132 - WHAT ARE YOU DRAWING ON THAT, HUH? 375 00:12:36,166 --> 00:12:38,101 - NIPPLES. - NO! 376 00:12:38,134 --> 00:12:40,170 NO, DON'T DRAW ON THE DUMMIES. - DON'T DRAW NO NIPPLES. 377 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:41,804 COME ON, GUYS. LISTEN UP, NOW, LISTEN UP. 378 00:12:41,838 --> 00:12:43,439 - WHO DREW A PENIS ON THIS ONE? 379 00:12:43,473 --> 00:12:44,941 - CAN WE GO FOR A RIDE IN THE AMBULANCE? 380 00:12:44,975 --> 00:12:47,143 - YEAH, YEAH. LOOK, NO NIPPLES, NO PENISES. 381 00:12:47,177 --> 00:12:49,145 ALTHOUGH THIS IS VERY QUALITY WORK, YOU'RE VERY TALENTED. 382 00:12:49,179 --> 00:12:50,346 - WHY DIDN'T YOU SAVE MICHAEL JACKSON? 383 00:12:50,380 --> 00:12:51,681 - BECAUSE HE LIVES IN CALIFORNIA. 384 00:12:51,714 --> 00:12:53,049 - BUT YOU SAID YOU WAS THE ARMY. 385 00:12:53,083 --> 00:12:54,617 - ARMY CAN INVADE IRAQ, 386 00:12:54,650 --> 00:12:56,686 BUT IT CAN'T SAVE A BLACK MAN IN CALIFORNIA? 387 00:12:56,719 --> 00:12:58,354 DAMN SHAME. - YEAH, COLONEL. 388 00:12:58,388 --> 00:13:00,190 WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE A BLACK MAN IN CALIFORNIA? 389 00:13:00,223 --> 00:13:02,725 NO, HEY! - HOLY SH--! 390 00:13:02,758 --> 00:13:04,327 - YOU SAID THEY COULD GO FOR A RIDE. 391 00:13:04,360 --> 00:13:06,062 - OH, SH--. 392 00:13:06,096 --> 00:13:07,898 I'M CALLING THERESA. SHE'S IN LAWNDALE TODAY. 393 00:13:07,931 --> 00:13:09,832 - LOOK, TELL HER TO KEEP IT ON THE D.L., BECAUSE IF WE MAKE 394 00:13:09,866 --> 00:13:11,134 AN OFFICIAL REPORT, WE GOTTA GO DOWN THERE AND FILE AND-- 395 00:13:11,167 --> 00:13:13,303 SH--! 396 00:13:13,336 --> 00:13:15,338 IF WE GET THE RIG BACK FAST, WE CAN STILL MAKE THE GAME. 397 00:13:15,371 --> 00:13:16,139 - IS TIGER WOODS REALLY BLACK? 398 00:13:16,172 --> 00:13:17,773 - NO. - YES. 399 00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:23,579 - GUYS, THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER BILLY. 400 00:13:23,613 --> 00:13:26,016 - I'M BILLY CEPEDA, Y'ALL. - JOHNNY, HANK, BRIAN. 401 00:13:26,049 --> 00:13:27,550 - WHAT HAPPENED TO DENZEL? 402 00:13:27,583 --> 00:13:29,385 - [laughs] THEY CALL DANNY "DENZEL WASHINGTON." 403 00:13:29,419 --> 00:13:31,821 HE GOT TRANSFERRED TO ANOTHER PRECINCT, 404 00:13:31,854 --> 00:13:33,556 AND SO NOW I'M WORKING 405 00:13:33,589 --> 00:13:34,891 WITH PUERTO RICAN MATT DILLON LOOK-ALIKE OVER HERE. 406 00:13:34,925 --> 00:13:37,327 - I DO NOT LOOK LIKE MATT DILLON. 407 00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:39,029 GUYS, DO I LOOK LIKE MATT DILLON? 408 00:13:39,062 --> 00:13:40,363 - NO. - YES. 409 00:13:40,396 --> 00:13:41,197 - GUYS, WE SHOULD REALLY CALL THIS IN. 410 00:13:41,231 --> 00:13:43,033 - NO! NO, NO, NO. - NO! 411 00:13:43,066 --> 00:13:44,234 IT'LL LEAD TO HOURS AND HOURS OF PAPERWORK. 412 00:13:44,267 --> 00:13:45,335 - LOOK, HEAD DOWN WEST ROOSEVELT. 413 00:13:45,368 --> 00:13:46,669 THEY'RE FROM THE NEIGHBORHOOD. 414 00:13:46,702 --> 00:13:48,104 THEY'RE PROBABLY JUST ON A JOYRIDE. 415 00:13:48,138 --> 00:13:49,672 - HOW DID THEY GET AWAY WITH THE RIG ANYWAY? 416 00:13:49,705 --> 00:13:51,507 - WE WERE LEADING A CPR CLASS IN THE PARK-- 417 00:13:51,541 --> 00:13:53,376 - AND WHILE WE WERE FOCUSED ON ACTUAL CPR TRAINING, 418 00:13:53,409 --> 00:13:54,911 THEY GOT IN THE RIG AND TOOK OFF. 419 00:13:54,945 --> 00:13:56,913 - HOW DOES AN 11-YEAR-OLD EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE? 420 00:13:56,947 --> 00:13:59,549 - I SAW A FIVE-YEAR-OLD MONKEY DRIVING A LITTLE MOTORIZED CAR 421 00:13:59,582 --> 00:14:02,585 ONE TIME ON YOUTUBE, IN CHINA, MAN, 422 00:14:02,618 --> 00:14:05,721 AND BEHIND HIM WAS THIS BEAR ON A UNICYCLE. 423 00:14:05,755 --> 00:14:09,392 BEAR LOOKED LIKE HE WAS, LIKE, AT LEAST... 424 00:14:12,462 --> 00:14:14,430 HE WAS PROBABLY, LIKE, EIGHT, RIGHT? 425 00:14:14,464 --> 00:14:17,033 SO THE MONKEY CRASHES THE CAR, 426 00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:20,103 AND THEN THE BEAR GETS OFF THE UNICYCLE, 427 00:14:20,136 --> 00:14:23,974 AND THEN THE BEAR EATS THE MONKEY! 428 00:14:24,007 --> 00:14:26,076 [laughs] 429 00:14:28,311 --> 00:14:31,114 HEY, YOU GUYS HUNGRY? 430 00:14:31,147 --> 00:14:33,249 - SO IS THIS CPR CLASS A NEW THING? 431 00:14:33,283 --> 00:14:34,417 - UH, YEAH, IT'S CHARITY. 432 00:14:34,450 --> 00:14:35,418 WE'RE GIVING BACK TO THE COMMUNITY. 433 00:14:35,451 --> 00:14:36,919 - MM-HMM. 434 00:14:36,953 --> 00:14:38,554 - THAT'S REALLY SWEET. - YEAH. 435 00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:39,922 - WHOSE IDEA WAS IT? - IT WAS MINE. 436 00:14:39,956 --> 00:14:40,923 - MINE. - MAC'S. 437 00:14:40,957 --> 00:14:42,558 - TOGETHER. - MAC'S. 438 00:14:42,592 --> 00:14:44,227 - TOGETHER WE CAME UP WITH IT. - MAC'S IDEA. 439 00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,396 - YOU KNOW, I WAS REFLECTING ON ALL THAT GOOD WORK YOU DO 440 00:14:46,429 --> 00:14:47,830 WITH THE HOMELESS DOGS, AND IT REALLY SUNK IN. 441 00:14:47,863 --> 00:14:49,632 - ABANDONED AND ABUSED DOGS. 442 00:14:49,665 --> 00:14:51,968 - EXACTLY, ABANDONED AND ABUSED AND NO HOMES, 443 00:14:52,002 --> 00:14:53,569 AND IT IS TRAGIC. 444 00:14:53,603 --> 00:14:58,408 I'M GOING TO, UM, START DOING THAT WITH YOU AGAIN. 445 00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:00,476 WHAT NIGHT OF THE WEEK DO YOU DO THAT? 446 00:15:00,510 --> 00:15:04,314 - MONDAY, WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, AND SUNDAY AFTERNOON. 447 00:15:04,347 --> 00:15:05,815 - THAT'S A LOT OF DOGS. 448 00:15:05,848 --> 00:15:08,118 - I'M DOING THAT WITH HER NOW. - OH! YOU ARE? 449 00:15:08,151 --> 00:15:09,185 - HE IS. - YEAH, MAN, IT'S THE BEST. 450 00:15:09,219 --> 00:15:11,187 IT'S SO... [snaps] 451 00:15:11,221 --> 00:15:13,089 OH, MY--WHAT'S THE WORD I'M TRYING TO THINK OF? 452 00:15:13,123 --> 00:15:14,657 - UH... - COMFORTING? 453 00:15:14,690 --> 00:15:15,791 - NO, THAT'S CLOSE. STARTS WITH A "C," THOUGH. 454 00:15:15,825 --> 00:15:16,859 - COURAGEOUS? - ALL RIGHT. 455 00:15:16,892 --> 00:15:18,961 - COOL. IT IS SO COOL, YOU KNOW? 456 00:15:18,995 --> 00:15:20,930 - SURE. 457 00:15:20,963 --> 00:15:22,865 - I'M ACTUALLY WORKING ON MY OWN CHARITY IDEA. 458 00:15:22,898 --> 00:15:25,701 GET THIS, REALLY GOOD SANDWICHES 459 00:15:25,735 --> 00:15:27,770 THAT I WOULD DELIVER TO POOR PEOPLE 460 00:15:27,803 --> 00:15:30,606 AND, LIKE... UH, CRIPPLES. 461 00:15:30,640 --> 00:15:32,308 - THEY ALREADY HAVE THAT. IT'S CALLED MEALS ON WHEELS. 462 00:15:32,342 --> 00:15:36,012 - OH, DAMN. THAT IS WAY BETTER THAN MY NAME. 463 00:15:36,046 --> 00:15:37,713 - WHICH WAS? 464 00:15:37,747 --> 00:15:41,851 - REALLY GOOD SANDWICHES FOR POOR PEOPLE AND CRIPPLES. 465 00:15:41,884 --> 00:15:43,353 - OKAY. - DO YOU SEE THE RIG? 466 00:15:43,386 --> 00:15:48,458 - * AMBULANCE, AMBULANCE, AMBULANCE * 467 00:15:48,491 --> 00:15:50,160 * WHERE, OH, WHERE IS MY AMBULANCE? * 468 00:15:50,193 --> 00:15:52,362 - ISN'T HE CUTE? - OH, GOD. 469 00:15:52,395 --> 00:15:54,897 JUST KEEP HEADING DOWN HERE. 470 00:15:54,930 --> 00:15:56,299 IF WE HURRY UP AND GET THIS THING BACK, 471 00:15:56,332 --> 00:15:57,800 WE CAN STILL MAKE THE SECOND HALF. 472 00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,635 - SECOND HALF OF WHAT? - OF THE CPR CLASS. 473 00:15:59,669 --> 00:16:01,137 - YEAH, YEAH, WE JUST TRYING TO, YOU KNOW, 474 00:16:01,171 --> 00:16:02,805 TEACH THE KIDS A LESSON. 475 00:16:02,838 --> 00:16:04,407 - YEAH, IT'S ALL ABOUT THE KIDS. - I BET. 476 00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:06,576 HANG ON, EVERYONE. [siren blares] 477 00:16:06,609 --> 00:16:08,211 - WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - WE NEED TO FIND THE RIG. 478 00:16:08,244 --> 00:16:10,180 - IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS. 479 00:16:10,213 --> 00:16:12,882 TONY PEPPERONI. HOMELESS VETERAN. 480 00:16:12,915 --> 00:16:15,085 TERRIBLE DRINKING PROBLEM. GIVE ME A HAND. 481 00:16:15,118 --> 00:16:16,252 - WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. - OH, COME ON. 482 00:16:16,286 --> 00:16:17,887 - OH! 483 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,422 TONY PEPPERONI, MORE LIKE TONY PISS-ARONI. 484 00:16:19,455 --> 00:16:20,923 - HEY, THIS IS THE SMELL 485 00:16:20,956 --> 00:16:22,725 OF HELPING SOMEONE LESS WELL OFF. 486 00:16:22,758 --> 00:16:25,161 THIS IS THE BOUQUET OF BROTHERLY LOVE, 487 00:16:25,195 --> 00:16:28,598 THE ESSENCE OF HUMANITY. 488 00:16:28,631 --> 00:16:32,435 - I TOOK HUMANITY IN COLLEGE. 489 00:16:32,468 --> 00:16:35,571 - I THINK YOU MEAN "HUMANITIES." 490 00:16:35,605 --> 00:16:39,575 - NO, IT WAS JUST THAT ONE CLASS, BRO. 491 00:16:39,609 --> 00:16:42,212 - THERESA. - HEY, TONY, HOW YOU DOING? 492 00:16:42,245 --> 00:16:43,879 - I'M FINE. IT'S THE WEEKEND. 493 00:16:43,913 --> 00:16:46,082 - WE'RE GONNA GET YOU SOME HELP. - OKAY. 494 00:16:46,116 --> 00:16:47,183 - ALL RIGHT, GUYS. HELP HIM UP. 495 00:16:47,217 --> 00:16:49,185 - WHAT? 496 00:16:49,219 --> 00:16:52,855 - GO ON. 497 00:16:52,888 --> 00:16:55,691 - HEY, TONY. HOW YOU FEELING? 498 00:16:55,725 --> 00:16:57,260 - TONY, I WANT YOU TO EAT SOMETHING. 499 00:16:57,293 --> 00:16:59,429 all: WHOA. 500 00:16:59,462 --> 00:17:03,065 - SO WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB SO FAR, BILLY? 501 00:17:03,099 --> 00:17:04,867 - MY FAVORITE PART OF THE JOB? 502 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,603 UM, I GOTTA THINK ABOUT IT. 503 00:17:07,637 --> 00:17:10,473 I WOULD PROBABLY HAVE TO GO WITH THE BULLETS. 504 00:17:10,506 --> 00:17:11,974 THEY'RE PRETTY AWESOME, MAN. 505 00:17:12,007 --> 00:17:13,476 AND THEY'RE REALLY, REALLY SHINY. 506 00:17:13,509 --> 00:17:14,944 HERE, LET ME SHOW YOU. - OH, YOU DON'T-- 507 00:17:14,977 --> 00:17:16,746 - HERE, CHECK THIS OUT. - THE RIG, THE RIG! 508 00:17:16,779 --> 00:17:17,513 THE RIG, THE RIG, THE RIG! [overlapping chatter] 509 00:17:21,184 --> 00:17:25,321 [sirens blaring] 510 00:17:25,355 --> 00:17:27,423 [sniffing] 511 00:17:30,526 --> 00:17:32,228 - YOU DECIDED TO COME, TONY. 512 00:17:32,262 --> 00:17:35,998 - IS THAT A PROBLEM? - NOPE. 513 00:17:36,031 --> 00:17:37,400 - HEY, CAN I TELL THEM TO PULL OVER? 514 00:17:37,433 --> 00:17:38,468 - YES. - [clears throat] 515 00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:40,903 PULL OVER! IT'S THE POLICE! 516 00:17:40,936 --> 00:17:42,505 - HEY, WE SPOKE ABOUT THIS, BILLY. 517 00:17:42,538 --> 00:17:43,439 YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL INTO THE LOUDSPEAKER. 518 00:17:43,473 --> 00:17:44,974 - I KNOW. I'M SORRY, T. 519 00:17:45,007 --> 00:17:45,975 DO YOU WANT ME TO SHOOT OUT THE TIRES? 520 00:17:46,008 --> 00:17:47,343 all: NO! - WE NEED THE TIRES. 521 00:17:47,377 --> 00:17:48,444 - DO NOT SHOOT THE TIRES OUT, BILLY. 522 00:17:48,478 --> 00:17:49,945 - OKAY. 523 00:17:49,979 --> 00:17:52,715 - SO YOU WERE IN VIETNAM, HUH? 524 00:17:56,018 --> 00:17:57,420 - VIETNAM? 525 00:17:57,453 --> 00:17:59,255 HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM, BITCH? 526 00:17:59,289 --> 00:18:01,924 I WAS IN THE GULF WAR. 527 00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:03,493 NOT THE FIRST ONE, THE SECOND ONE. 528 00:18:03,526 --> 00:18:06,128 THE GOOD ONE! HOW OLD DO I LOOK TO YOU? 529 00:18:06,162 --> 00:18:08,198 - OLD ENOUGH TO BATHE ONCE A WEEK. 530 00:18:08,231 --> 00:18:12,468 - I DON'T SMELL THAT BAD. THERESA? 531 00:18:12,502 --> 00:18:14,504 DO I SMELL BAD TO YOU, THERESA? 532 00:18:14,537 --> 00:18:15,605 - NO. NOT AT ALL. 533 00:18:15,638 --> 00:18:18,208 - KIDS STEALING AMBULANCES, 534 00:18:18,241 --> 00:18:20,443 KILLING EACH OTHER IN THE STREETS. 535 00:18:20,476 --> 00:18:22,378 WHAT'S HAPPENING TO THIS COUNTRY? 536 00:18:22,412 --> 00:18:25,014 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE OLD CHICAGO, MAN? 537 00:18:25,047 --> 00:18:26,549 THIS IS WHAT I FOUGHT FOR? 538 00:18:26,582 --> 00:18:28,518 - WHERE ARE THESE ASSHOLES HEADED? 539 00:18:28,551 --> 00:18:30,453 - IT LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE HEADED FOR THE HOSPITAL. 540 00:18:30,486 --> 00:18:31,654 - WHY THE HELL WOULD THEY BE GOING THERE? 541 00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:33,323 - ALL RIGHT. HOLD ON, EVERYONE. 542 00:18:33,356 --> 00:18:37,159 [all shout] 543 00:18:37,193 --> 00:18:39,295 - [coughs, gags] 544 00:18:39,329 --> 00:18:41,564 - OH, MY GOD. 545 00:18:41,597 --> 00:18:45,368 - I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD THAT SECOND BOTTLE OF WINE. 546 00:18:45,401 --> 00:18:47,303 - [groans] 547 00:18:47,337 --> 00:18:50,373 [sirens wailing] 548 00:18:59,749 --> 00:19:01,917 - [coughing, gagging] - COME ON! 549 00:19:01,951 --> 00:19:04,053 - NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT RUNNING. 550 00:19:04,086 --> 00:19:05,588 - WE GOT TO HURRY, CAPTAIN FARRELL. 551 00:19:05,621 --> 00:19:08,190 THERE'S A PATIENT IN THE BACK. - WHAT? 552 00:19:08,224 --> 00:19:09,759 - I'M SORRY, COLONEL HANK. 553 00:19:09,792 --> 00:19:11,327 WE WAS JUST GONNA GO FOR A RIDE, AS A JOKE, 554 00:19:11,361 --> 00:19:14,730 BUT THEN WE SAW THIS DUDE COLLAPSE IN THE STREET. 555 00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:17,233 - LET'S GET YOU INSIDE. COME ON, BUDDY. 556 00:19:17,267 --> 00:19:20,703 - SO THAT CPR CLASS YOU DID TODAY... 557 00:19:20,736 --> 00:19:23,573 ACTUALLY TURNED YOU INTO HEROES. 558 00:19:23,606 --> 00:19:25,341 - HELL NO. 559 00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:27,076 THESE TWO WAS PREACHING SOME SPEED-PR BULLSH--. 560 00:19:27,109 --> 00:19:29,111 COULDN'T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT. 561 00:19:29,144 --> 00:19:30,513 WE LEARNED CPR AT A CAMP LAST SUMMER 562 00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,582 FROM THIS BIG GUY NAMED CASSIUS CLAY. 563 00:19:32,615 --> 00:19:37,587 - YO! THESE ARE PRIME SEATS, VIP, FOR THE BEARS-PACKERS GAME. 564 00:19:37,620 --> 00:19:39,289 YO, MAN. Y'ALL BETTER HURRY UP. 565 00:19:39,322 --> 00:19:40,523 YOU'RE ABOUT TO MISS KICKOFF. 566 00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:41,691 - ARE WE GONNA GO TO JAIL? 567 00:19:41,724 --> 00:19:43,259 - YES. - NO. 568 00:19:43,293 --> 00:19:47,630 YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO A BEARS GAME. 569 00:19:47,663 --> 00:19:50,500 GET IN THE CRUISER, I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE. 570 00:19:52,268 --> 00:19:54,270 TONY. 571 00:19:54,304 --> 00:19:57,106 YOU RIDE WITH CAPTAIN JOHN AND THE COLONEL OVER HERE. 572 00:19:57,139 --> 00:20:00,276 [laughs] 573 00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:02,044 SPEED-PR. 574 00:20:02,077 --> 00:20:03,413 HA! 575 00:20:03,446 --> 00:20:05,881 KARMA CAN BE SUCH A BITCH. 576 00:20:05,915 --> 00:20:10,653 YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES SHE GIVES YOU A HAND, 577 00:20:10,686 --> 00:20:13,656 AND THEN SOMETIMES SHE PISSES RIGHT DOWN YOUR LEG. 578 00:20:13,689 --> 00:20:14,957 GOD. 579 00:20:14,990 --> 00:20:17,793 - [laughing] PISSING... 580 00:20:17,827 --> 00:20:20,262 - [sighs] GET IN THE CAR, SWEETIE. 581 00:20:20,296 --> 00:20:22,332 - RIGHT. 582 00:20:28,170 --> 00:20:30,773 - GET IN THE RIG. 583 00:20:35,177 --> 00:20:38,581 - [chuckling] 584 00:20:38,614 --> 00:20:42,518 MAC IS NOT GONNA LIKE THIS. 585 00:20:42,552 --> 00:20:46,756 I HOPE YOU FELLAS LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON TODAY. 586 00:20:46,789 --> 00:20:49,992 YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW, MY FRIENDS. 587 00:20:50,025 --> 00:20:53,996 YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW. 588 00:20:56,632 --> 00:20:59,535 - WHERE'D YOU GET THAT? 589 00:20:59,569 --> 00:21:01,604 - FRIDGE AT THE DEPOT. - MM. 590 00:21:01,637 --> 00:21:04,139 - BIG BAG OF 'EM IN THERE. 591 00:21:07,242 --> 00:21:08,444 WHAT? - MM-MM. 592 00:21:08,478 --> 00:21:10,513 - MMM. 593 00:21:10,546 --> 00:21:13,683 THESE ARE WAY BETTER COLD. 594 00:21:16,051 --> 00:21:18,253 MMM, THIS IS ICE-COLD.