1 00:00:02,424 --> 00:00:03,529 - YOU KNOW WHO I GOT A THING FOR? 2 00:00:03,563 --> 00:00:04,978 THE NEW ANCHOR ON ACTION NEWS. 3 00:00:05,013 --> 00:00:06,808 - OH, LITTLE BLONDE GIRL. SHE'S CUTE. 4 00:00:06,842 --> 00:00:08,465 - YEAH, PLUS I GET AN IDEA THAT SHE'D BE NICE BEHIND THE SCENES. 5 00:00:08,499 --> 00:00:09,811 LIKE, THE CREW WOULD LOVE HER. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 6 00:00:09,845 --> 00:00:11,295 - DO YOU KNOW WHO I GOT A THING FOR? 7 00:00:11,330 --> 00:00:13,297 - WHO? - THE NEW SPORTS GUY ON WGN. 8 00:00:13,332 --> 00:00:16,749 - THAT GUY? I DON'T THINK HE'S GAY, DUDE. 9 00:00:16,783 --> 00:00:19,131 - OH, HE'S GAY. 10 00:00:19,165 --> 00:00:20,649 - HOW DO YOU KNOW? - HE KNOWS. 11 00:00:20,684 --> 00:00:22,306 HE'S THE DICK WHISPERER. 12 00:00:22,341 --> 00:00:23,583 - [chuckles] - YES, I AM. 13 00:00:23,618 --> 00:00:25,275 BESIDES, I SLEPT WITH HIM LAST WEEK. 14 00:00:25,309 --> 00:00:27,070 - SHUT UP! 15 00:00:27,104 --> 00:00:28,381 - ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO. I NEED YOU TO GO DOWN TO HEADQUARTERS. 16 00:00:28,416 --> 00:00:30,003 YOU GOT A NEW GUY COMING ON THE RIG. 17 00:00:30,038 --> 00:00:31,246 - AND YOU BEST BE ON TIME. 18 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:33,214 I HEAR HE'S AN EX-NAVY SEAL. 19 00:00:33,248 --> 00:00:34,732 - NO. - OH, NO, COME ON. 20 00:00:34,767 --> 00:00:36,424 - THIS GUY'S GONNA BE A PAIN IN THE ASS. 21 00:00:36,458 --> 00:00:37,459 - WE NEED A LITTLE DISCIPLINE AROUND HERE. 22 00:00:37,494 --> 00:00:39,496 - STEP UP YOUR GAME A LITTLE BIT. 23 00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:40,807 - OH, MAN, MY GAME IS GREAT. I WAS ALREADY IN THE MILITARY. 24 00:00:40,842 --> 00:00:42,602 - YEAH, WELL, WHATEVER. THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY. 25 00:00:42,637 --> 00:00:44,432 - TEACH YOU SOMETHING. WE NEED A LITTLE DISCIPLINE AROUND HERE. 26 00:00:44,466 --> 00:00:46,468 - IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE CALLING IT THESE DAYS? 27 00:00:46,503 --> 00:00:49,437 - YOU GUYS WANT A TOOTSIE ROLL, EH? 28 00:00:49,471 --> 00:00:53,579 OH, TOOTSIE ROLL, TOOTSIE ROLL. YOU ARE DELICIOUS AND TIMELESS. 29 00:00:53,613 --> 00:00:55,650 - I THOUGHT I HEARD THAT YOU WERE WITH THE NAVY SEALS. 30 00:00:55,684 --> 00:00:58,342 - NAVY? NO, NO. EASTER SEALS. 31 00:00:58,377 --> 00:01:00,965 I VOLUNTEERED. THIS IS SO COOL. 32 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,658 FIRST DAY ON THE JOB. DO YOU GUYS FACEBOOK? 33 00:01:03,692 --> 00:01:06,488 - NO. NO, I DON'T FACEBOOK. I DON'T DO REGULAR BOOKS. 34 00:01:06,523 --> 00:01:07,765 I EAT, AND I SLEEP, AND I SAVE LIVES. 35 00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:09,940 - HE'S A VERY COMPLICATED MAN. 36 00:01:09,974 --> 00:01:11,528 - HEY, I CONTROL TECHNOLOGY. 37 00:01:11,562 --> 00:01:13,150 I DON'T LET TECHNOLOGY CONTROL ME. 38 00:01:13,185 --> 00:01:15,187 - OH, THAT MEANS THAT HE CAN ACCESS ONLINE PORN 39 00:01:15,221 --> 00:01:16,360 FROM HIS PHONE WHILE HE'S DRIVING. 40 00:01:16,395 --> 00:01:17,706 - YEAH, THERE'S GOTTA BE 41 00:01:17,741 --> 00:01:19,777 SOME KIND OF FANCY NAME FOR THAT, RIGHT? 42 00:01:19,812 --> 00:01:21,124 - LAST TIME I CHECKED, IT WAS STILL CALLED "JERKING OFF." 43 00:01:21,158 --> 00:01:22,780 - CHICAGO NORTH 115, REPORT OF POSSIBLE HEART ATTACK, 44 00:01:22,815 --> 00:01:24,506 CORNER OF LINCOLN, JEFFERSON. 45 00:01:24,541 --> 00:01:26,198 - AMBULANCE 14 RESPONDING. - HERE, HOLD THAT. 46 00:01:26,232 --> 00:01:27,647 HANG ON, EASTER SEAL. I KNOW A SHORTCUT. 47 00:01:27,682 --> 00:01:28,821 [siren wails] - OOH. 48 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:30,340 [tires squeal] 49 00:01:30,374 --> 00:01:31,686 - LOOK OUT, TOW TRUCK, TOW TRUCK! 50 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,205 [horn blares] 51 00:01:33,239 --> 00:01:34,999 - [laughs] - WOW. 52 00:01:35,034 --> 00:01:36,898 - HERE, GIVE ME THE COFFEE. MIGHT WANT TO SAY A ROSARY TOO. 53 00:01:36,932 --> 00:01:38,693 - THIS COMING FROM THE GUY WHO DOESN'T BELIEVE IN GOD. 54 00:01:38,727 --> 00:01:40,143 - I DIDN'T SAY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD. 55 00:01:40,177 --> 00:01:41,972 I SAID I BELIEVE THAT MICHAEL JORDAN IS GOD. 56 00:01:42,006 --> 00:01:43,525 - OH, THEN WHY AREN'T YOU WEARING A SCOTTIE PIPPIN MEDAL 57 00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:44,906 AROUND YOUR NECK INSTEAD OF ST. JUDE? 58 00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:45,838 - RIGHT. WHO'S COMPLICATED NOW, ASSHOLE? 59 00:01:45,872 --> 00:01:47,322 [both chuckle] 60 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:48,979 - VICTIM APPEARS NOT TO BE BREATHING. 61 00:01:49,013 --> 00:01:50,532 - LIKE YOU DON'T DOWNLOAD PORN TO YOUR PHONE. 62 00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:52,293 - OH, I TRY TO KEEP MY PHONE AWAY FROM MY DICK. 63 00:01:52,327 --> 00:01:53,501 HE ALWAYS WANTS TO CALL MY EX. 64 00:01:53,535 --> 00:01:54,674 [both laugh] 65 00:01:54,709 --> 00:01:55,917 [siren wailing] 66 00:01:55,951 --> 00:01:57,953 [tires squealing] 67 00:02:01,612 --> 00:02:02,406 - HE JUST FELL DOWN LIKE HE WAS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! 68 00:02:02,441 --> 00:02:03,752 - IS HE CONSCIOUS? 69 00:02:03,787 --> 00:02:05,547 - NO. HE HIT HIS HEAD WHEN HE FELL. 70 00:02:05,582 --> 00:02:07,170 - UH-HUH. MAKE A HOLE! LET'S MOVE, MOVE, MOVE. 71 00:02:07,204 --> 00:02:08,240 GIVE HIM SOME SPACE. - HE'S BEEN MAKING WEIRD NOISES. 72 00:02:08,274 --> 00:02:09,655 - HOW YOU DOING, BUDDY? 73 00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:11,243 BUDDY, YOU AWAKE? 74 00:02:11,277 --> 00:02:12,554 FIRE UP THE TOASTER, BRIAN. 75 00:02:12,589 --> 00:02:14,246 YEAH, HE DOESN'T HAVE A PULSE. 76 00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:17,249 - HEY. FULL CHARGE. 77 00:02:17,283 --> 00:02:18,250 HERE, BRIAN. - HERE. 78 00:02:18,284 --> 00:02:20,424 - OKAY. 79 00:02:20,459 --> 00:02:23,220 - BRIAN. I NEED THE PADS. 80 00:02:23,255 --> 00:02:25,326 - HERE. - COME ON, GOD DAMN-- 81 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:29,261 - OKAY. 82 00:02:29,295 --> 00:02:32,850 BRIAN? 83 00:02:32,885 --> 00:02:34,783 [beeping] - WE'RE WAITING ON YOU, BRI. 84 00:02:34,818 --> 00:02:35,888 - OKAY. [whirring] 85 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:37,717 - CLEAR. - KILL THE TOASTER. 86 00:02:37,752 --> 00:02:40,375 - JOHN? - JUST GIVE ME A SECOND, BUDDY. 87 00:02:46,657 --> 00:02:50,316 COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON. 88 00:02:52,007 --> 00:02:54,355 - [coughing] - OH! 89 00:02:54,389 --> 00:02:55,770 - OOH. - HEY. 90 00:02:55,804 --> 00:02:57,772 [applause] 91 00:02:57,806 --> 00:03:00,602 HOLY SH--. 92 00:03:00,637 --> 00:03:02,121 HOW YOU DOING? 93 00:03:02,155 --> 00:03:04,365 - HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT THAT WAS A FOOD ALLERGY? 94 00:03:04,399 --> 00:03:06,746 - GO. GO. - OH. 95 00:03:06,781 --> 00:03:10,612 UH, WELL, THE-- THE SWELLING IN THE LIPS. 96 00:03:10,647 --> 00:03:12,925 AND HE HAD THIS RASH. 97 00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:14,547 MY DAD HAD FOOD ALLERGIES. 98 00:03:14,582 --> 00:03:16,825 HE WAS ALLERGIC TO SHELLFISH AND PEANUTS 99 00:03:16,860 --> 00:03:19,069 AND MARRIAGE, APPARENTLY. [both chuckle] 100 00:03:19,103 --> 00:03:20,381 - OH, THIS IS MY NEW PARTNER, DANNY. 101 00:03:20,415 --> 00:03:22,279 - HOW YOU DOING? - GOOD. HOW YOU DOING? 102 00:03:22,314 --> 00:03:23,625 THIS IS OUR NEW GUY. BRIAN. 103 00:03:23,660 --> 00:03:24,626 - HEY. HOW'S IT HANGING, BRI? 104 00:03:24,661 --> 00:03:26,939 - IT'S, UH... 105 00:03:26,973 --> 00:03:28,837 - AH! - GOOD. 106 00:03:28,872 --> 00:03:32,324 - LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE'S TELLING YOU ABOUT ME, BUT-- 107 00:03:32,358 --> 00:03:34,809 - NOT A LOT. - REALLY? 108 00:03:34,843 --> 00:03:36,328 - GREAT EMT. 109 00:03:36,362 --> 00:03:37,743 - SHE REALLY HASN'T SAID ANYTHING-- 110 00:03:37,777 --> 00:03:40,263 NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT ME AT ALL? COME ON. 111 00:03:40,297 --> 00:03:41,954 - SHE MENTIONED THE CAR CRASH LAST WEEK, 112 00:03:41,988 --> 00:03:43,196 WHERE YOU RESCUED THE DRIVER 113 00:03:43,231 --> 00:03:44,025 JUST SECONDS BEFORE THE CAR EXPLODED. 114 00:03:44,059 --> 00:03:45,613 - WHICH WAS AMAZING. 115 00:03:45,647 --> 00:03:47,200 AND WHAT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING IS THAT 116 00:03:47,235 --> 00:03:49,513 HE CAN INSTANTANEOUSLY DIVE INTO A BURNING WRECK 117 00:03:49,548 --> 00:03:51,308 TO SAVE THE LIFE OF A COMPLETE STRANGER. 118 00:03:51,343 --> 00:03:53,103 BUT WHEN IT COMES TO MOVING IN 119 00:03:53,137 --> 00:03:55,450 WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND OF THREE YEARS, HE REMAINS UNDECIDED. 120 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:57,141 [all chuckle] - WE'RE ON A BREAK. 121 00:03:58,902 --> 00:04:01,042 - UH, WELL, WE NEED A STATEMENT FROM SECURITY. 122 00:04:01,076 --> 00:04:02,526 - NICE MEETING YOU, JOHNNY. 123 00:04:02,561 --> 00:04:04,459 - YOU TOO, DONNY. 124 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:05,874 - DANNY. 125 00:04:05,909 --> 00:04:08,808 - SO, UH... 126 00:04:08,843 --> 00:04:10,120 HI. - HI. 127 00:04:10,154 --> 00:04:12,709 - [chuckles] - [chuckles] 128 00:04:12,743 --> 00:04:16,022 - YOUR VEST LOOKS NICE TODAY. 129 00:04:16,057 --> 00:04:18,059 - OH, YEAH, THANK YOU. 130 00:04:21,027 --> 00:04:24,341 - SO ARE YOU, UH, DOING OKAY? 131 00:04:24,376 --> 00:04:27,068 - I'M--YEAH, I'M GOOD. - GOOD. 132 00:04:27,102 --> 00:04:29,208 - YOU? 133 00:04:29,242 --> 00:04:32,729 - WHAT IF I WAS TO SAY... NO? 134 00:04:32,763 --> 00:04:35,041 - [groans] NO. 135 00:04:37,872 --> 00:04:39,045 - PLEASE TELL ME I'M NOT AN IDIOT. 136 00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:40,875 - YOU'RE NOT AN IDIOT. 137 00:04:40,909 --> 00:04:43,878 [hip-hop music] 138 00:04:43,912 --> 00:04:51,920 ♪ 139 00:05:04,243 --> 00:05:06,072 - SHE--SHE WOULDN'T HAVE SAID ALL THAT STUFF 140 00:05:06,107 --> 00:05:07,729 ABOUT ME TO WHAT'S-HIS-FACE 141 00:05:07,764 --> 00:05:09,938 IF SHE DIDN'T STILL CARE ABOUT ME, OBVIOUSLY. 142 00:05:09,973 --> 00:05:11,354 - ALTERNATIVE THEORY. 143 00:05:11,388 --> 00:05:12,872 IT'S PART OF HER SECRET EVIL PLAN 144 00:05:12,907 --> 00:05:14,253 TO GET IN HER NEW PARTNER DENZEL'S PANTS. 145 00:05:14,287 --> 00:05:16,117 - UH, DANNY. PRETTY SURE IT WAS DANNY. 146 00:05:16,151 --> 00:05:17,670 - OH, DENZEL TO ME. 147 00:05:17,705 --> 00:05:19,258 HOT, MO' BETTER BLUESDENZEL, 148 00:05:19,292 --> 00:05:20,846 WITH JUST A TOUCH OF TERRENCE HOWARD. 149 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,848 - YOU REALLY THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL? 150 00:05:22,882 --> 00:05:24,746 - DEVIL IN A BLUE DRESS, DEAD RINGER, BRO. BANDAGES. 151 00:05:24,781 --> 00:05:26,921 WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SIR? - PETE. 152 00:05:26,955 --> 00:05:28,371 - OKAY, PETE. YOU'RE DOING GREAT. 153 00:05:28,405 --> 00:05:29,372 WE'RE GONNA PATCH YOU UP REAL GOOD NOW. 154 00:05:29,406 --> 00:05:30,614 I GOT YOUR CELL PHONE HERE. 155 00:05:30,649 --> 00:05:32,064 WHO DO YOU CALL IN CASE OF EMERGENCY? 156 00:05:32,098 --> 00:05:34,515 - MY BROTHER. HE'S LISTED UNDER I.C.E. 157 00:05:34,549 --> 00:05:37,276 - "IN CASE OF EMERGENCY." NICELY DONE, PETE. 158 00:05:37,310 --> 00:05:38,622 SAFETY GOLD STAR FOR YOU. 159 00:05:38,657 --> 00:05:40,141 - I DON'T THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL. 160 00:05:40,175 --> 00:05:41,936 I THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENNIS RODMAN, MAYBE. 161 00:05:41,970 --> 00:05:43,213 - THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH 162 00:05:43,247 --> 00:05:44,939 ANGRY EX-BOYFRIEND COCK GOGGLES. 163 00:05:44,973 --> 00:05:46,285 TAKE IT FROM ME AS YOUR BEST FRIEND 164 00:05:46,319 --> 00:05:47,769 WHO'S LOOKING AT HIM THROUGH SINGLE, 165 00:05:47,804 --> 00:05:49,771 EXTREMELY HORNY GAY GOGGLES: HE'S HOT. 166 00:05:49,806 --> 00:05:51,428 DENZEL-BANGING-HOLLYWOOD-BITCHES HOT. 167 00:05:51,463 --> 00:05:52,947 I'M GAY, BY THE WAY. 168 00:05:52,981 --> 00:05:54,224 - OH. 169 00:05:54,258 --> 00:05:54,949 - YOU SEEM SURPRISED. 170 00:05:54,983 --> 00:05:56,951 - [laughs] NO. 171 00:05:56,985 --> 00:05:58,539 YES. - [mutters] 172 00:05:58,573 --> 00:06:00,920 THERESA'S STILL YOUR I.C.E., ISN'T SHE? 173 00:06:00,955 --> 00:06:02,681 STUPID GODDAMN QUESTION. 174 00:06:02,715 --> 00:06:04,924 - YOU KNOW WHO I THINK IS A GOOD-LOOKING GUY? 175 00:06:04,959 --> 00:06:06,029 TIM TEBOW. 176 00:06:06,063 --> 00:06:08,583 PLUS HE SEEMS SO NICE. 177 00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,033 - WHO'S YOUR I.C.E., BRIAN? 178 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:12,691 - MY MOM. - YOUR MOM? 179 00:06:12,725 --> 00:06:14,313 - WELL, SHE LIVES RIGHT UPSTAIRS. 180 00:06:14,347 --> 00:06:15,521 - YOU STILL LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS? 181 00:06:15,556 --> 00:06:16,902 - [laughs] NO. 182 00:06:16,936 --> 00:06:19,214 NAH, THEY LIVE UPSTAIRS, I LIVE DOWNSTAIRS. 183 00:06:19,249 --> 00:06:20,699 IT'S A WHOLE SEPARATE FLOOR. 184 00:06:20,733 --> 00:06:23,218 - YOU GOT A GIRLFRIEND? - I HAD ONE. 185 00:06:23,253 --> 00:06:24,910 WE JUST BROKE UP. SHE, UH... 186 00:06:24,944 --> 00:06:26,808 SHE GOT TOO CLINGY. 187 00:06:26,843 --> 00:06:30,985 - YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S TOO CLINGY, TIM TEBOW IS HANDSOME, 188 00:06:31,019 --> 00:06:32,814 YOU SPORT--LET ME GUESS-- 189 00:06:32,849 --> 00:06:33,574 SOMETHING FROM THE CALVIN KLEIN FAMILY OF COLOGNES? 190 00:06:33,608 --> 00:06:35,783 - RAMPAGE. 191 00:06:35,817 --> 00:06:37,232 - I GOT A BETTER SHOT OF GETTING SOME PUSSY TONIGHT THAN YOU, 192 00:06:37,267 --> 00:06:39,062 AND ALL I'M THINKING ABOUT IS DENZEL'S LIPS. 193 00:06:39,096 --> 00:06:40,063 - AH, CAN WE STOP CALLING HIM DENZEL? 194 00:06:40,097 --> 00:06:41,409 - I THOUGHT HE LOOKED LIKE 195 00:06:41,444 --> 00:06:44,757 A YOUNG, MORE MUSCLEY HARRY BELAFONTE. 196 00:06:44,792 --> 00:06:46,310 - HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO HARRY BELAFONTE IS? 197 00:06:46,345 --> 00:06:48,934 - 'CAUSE HE'S WATCHING TV WITH HIS PARENTS. 198 00:06:48,968 --> 00:06:51,695 [siren wails] 199 00:06:57,874 --> 00:07:00,980 - YOU REALLY THINK HE LOOKED LIKE DENZEL? 200 00:07:01,015 --> 00:07:02,672 - BRIAN, GET US SOME GATORADES. 201 00:07:02,706 --> 00:07:04,087 - GATORADE PRIME, GATORADE PERFORMANCE, 202 00:07:04,121 --> 00:07:06,089 OR GATORADE RECOVER? 203 00:07:06,123 --> 00:07:06,952 - LET'S GO WITH YELLOW. 204 00:07:06,986 --> 00:07:09,161 - I LIKE YELLOW. 205 00:07:09,195 --> 00:07:10,611 - 'KAY. 206 00:07:10,645 --> 00:07:12,647 I KNOW, I KNOW. 207 00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:14,477 YOU KNOW, DON'T JUDGE ME. 208 00:07:14,511 --> 00:07:16,617 DO YOU REMEMBER HOW LONG IT TOOK YOU TO GET OVER JEFF THE CHEF? 209 00:07:16,651 --> 00:07:18,791 - TWO DAYS AND A WEEKEND TRIP TO MIAMI. 210 00:07:18,826 --> 00:07:20,931 - WHICH, IN GAY MAN'S TIME, IS LIKE SIX GODDAMN MONTHS. 211 00:07:20,966 --> 00:07:23,658 - SO NOT COOL, BRO. TRUE, BUT NOT COOL. 212 00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:26,765 - IT'S JUST-- SHE WAS MY EVERYTHING. 213 00:07:26,799 --> 00:07:28,594 AND YEAH, SHE'S STILL MY I.C.E. 214 00:07:28,629 --> 00:07:29,837 - WHICH IS RIDICULOUS. 215 00:07:29,871 --> 00:07:31,597 I CHUCKED JEFF THE CHEF AS MY I.C.E. 216 00:07:31,632 --> 00:07:33,806 A WEEK BEFORE I KICKED HIS PRETTY ASS OUT. 217 00:07:33,841 --> 00:07:35,877 - WHO'S YOUR I.C.E. NOW? - I HAVEN'T DECIDED. 218 00:07:35,912 --> 00:07:37,810 - YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS WE SHOULD FORGET 219 00:07:37,845 --> 00:07:39,502 ABOUT THESE GIRLFRIENDS AND THESE BOYFRIENDS, 220 00:07:39,536 --> 00:07:40,848 AND WE SHOULD BE EACH OTHER'S I.C.E. 221 00:07:40,882 --> 00:07:42,297 - [laughs] THAT'S FUNNY. 222 00:07:42,332 --> 00:07:43,160 - WHAT? I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? 223 00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:45,024 - OH, LISTEN, LOOK. 224 00:07:45,059 --> 00:07:46,888 I WANT THE PERSON I CALL IN A LIFE-AND-DEATH SITUATION 225 00:07:46,923 --> 00:07:48,476 TO BE SOMEONE SPECIAL. 226 00:07:48,511 --> 00:07:51,134 NOT JEFF THE CHEF, WHO CHEATED ON ME WITH A BUSBOY. 227 00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:52,963 SOMEONE HONEST AND TRUE. 228 00:07:52,998 --> 00:07:55,690 SOMEONE WHO IS GOING TO SIT THERE AND TAKE MY HAND, 229 00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:58,003 LEAD ME THROUGH TO THE OTHER SIDE 230 00:07:58,037 --> 00:08:00,971 BY LEANING DOWN AND WHISPERING INTO MY EAR, 231 00:08:01,006 --> 00:08:04,319 TELLING ME HOW MUCH THEY FEEL AND CARE ABOUT ME. 232 00:08:04,354 --> 00:08:06,977 WHEN I LEAVE THIS EARTH, 233 00:08:07,012 --> 00:08:10,187 I WANT TO FEEL HIS LOVING LIPS BRUSHING UP AGAINST MY CHEEK, 234 00:08:10,222 --> 00:08:12,189 SAYING EVER SO SOFTLY, 235 00:08:12,224 --> 00:08:15,330 "I LOVE YOU, HENRY. 236 00:08:15,365 --> 00:08:19,058 AND I SHALL CONTINUE TO LOVE YOU, ALWAYS AND FOREVER." 237 00:08:22,303 --> 00:08:25,996 - WAS IT THAT PUERTO RICAN BUSBOY WITH THE DREADLOCKS? 238 00:08:26,031 --> 00:08:28,343 - I HATE YOU. - YOU LOVE ME. 239 00:08:28,378 --> 00:08:31,588 - THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL, HANK. 240 00:08:31,623 --> 00:08:36,938 REALLY, REALLY TOUCHING STUFF. 241 00:08:36,973 --> 00:08:41,460 THEY ONLY HAD PURPLE. 242 00:08:41,494 --> 00:08:43,911 - DO YOU WANT TO TELL HIM? - WE'RE MEN, BRI. WE DON'T CRY. 243 00:08:43,945 --> 00:08:46,189 THREE EXCEPTIONS: FIRSTBORN KID, 244 00:08:46,223 --> 00:08:47,673 THE END OF FIELD OF DREAMS, AND THE DAY MIKE DITKA DIES. 245 00:08:47,708 --> 00:08:49,468 - IF THAT EVER HAPPENS, GOD FORBID. 246 00:08:49,502 --> 00:08:50,607 - IT'S OKAY TO GET MISTY, RIGHT? 247 00:08:50,642 --> 00:08:52,402 - NO. - NO. 248 00:08:52,436 --> 00:08:55,025 - YOU CAN GET MISTY IF DITKA'S WIFE DIES BEFORE HE DOES 249 00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:57,856 AND YOU SEE HIM TALKING ABOUT HER ON ESPN. 250 00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:00,272 OTHERWISE, "MISTY" 251 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:03,620 SOUNDS REALLY, REALLY GAY. 252 00:09:03,655 --> 00:09:06,899 - NOW, WHO IS DITKA? 253 00:09:10,593 --> 00:09:12,629 - HOW'S THE FIRST DAY, BRIAN? LEARNING ANYTHING? 254 00:09:12,664 --> 00:09:13,768 - I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I LEARNED. 255 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:16,150 HE'S NOT A NAVY SEAL, AND... 256 00:09:16,184 --> 00:09:17,392 HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. 257 00:09:17,427 --> 00:09:19,912 - OH, REALLY? [chuckles] - HEY. 258 00:09:19,947 --> 00:09:22,466 SEPARATE FLOOR, SEPARATE MAILBOX, GUYS. 259 00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:24,883 TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION. - MM-HMM. 260 00:09:24,917 --> 00:09:27,402 - AMBULANCE NEEDED. 742 EAST DIVERSEY. 261 00:09:27,437 --> 00:09:28,749 - HEY, BRI, YOU WANT TO RUN POINT ON THIS CALL? 262 00:09:28,783 --> 00:09:30,647 - YOU THINK I'M READY? - WHY NOT? 263 00:09:30,682 --> 00:09:32,994 YOU'RE BRAVE ENOUGH TO BEAT OFF IN YOUR PARENTS' BASEMENT. 264 00:09:33,029 --> 00:09:37,343 [laughter] 265 00:09:37,378 --> 00:09:38,931 [women aw] 266 00:09:38,966 --> 00:09:40,519 - FIRST TIME OUT, GUYS RARELY BEGIN 267 00:09:40,553 --> 00:09:42,141 BY STICKING AN ENTIRE SODA BOTTLE UP THEIR ASS. 268 00:09:42,176 --> 00:09:43,522 - YEAH, USUALLY GUYS START WITH SOMETHING SMALLER. 269 00:09:43,556 --> 00:09:44,972 YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY ZUCCHINI OR CARROTS? 270 00:09:45,006 --> 00:09:47,112 - I HAVE BOTH, ACTUALLY, IT'S JUST... 271 00:09:47,146 --> 00:09:48,354 - IT'S JUST WHAT? 272 00:09:48,389 --> 00:09:50,080 - I WAS PLANNING ON MAKING SOME SOUP. 273 00:09:50,115 --> 00:09:52,013 both: OH. 274 00:09:52,048 --> 00:09:53,118 - UH, BRIAN. 275 00:09:53,152 --> 00:09:54,119 EXAMINE THE INJURY. 276 00:09:54,153 --> 00:09:55,534 - WHAT? 277 00:09:55,568 --> 00:09:57,260 - YOU WANTED TO RUN POINT. - TAKE A LOOK. 278 00:09:57,294 --> 00:09:59,745 - [pats Brian's back] 279 00:09:59,780 --> 00:10:03,231 - [exhales] 280 00:10:09,721 --> 00:10:12,965 OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH. 281 00:10:16,072 --> 00:10:21,180 - UH, BRIAN, HOW'S IT LOOK? 282 00:10:21,215 --> 00:10:23,389 - IT'S UP THERE. 283 00:10:23,424 --> 00:10:25,357 IT'S REALLY UP THERE. 284 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:26,979 - I COULD'VE TOLD YOU THAT. 285 00:10:27,014 --> 00:10:28,532 CAN YOU GET IT OUT? 286 00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:30,120 LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL, GUYS. 287 00:10:30,155 --> 00:10:32,122 - OH, NOT A PROBLEM, SIR. 288 00:10:32,157 --> 00:10:34,884 UH, BRI, RUN DOWN TO THE RIG AND GET THE COLO-VAC 5,000. 289 00:10:34,918 --> 00:10:35,885 IT'S IN THE SIDE STORAGE TANK. - AH. 290 00:10:35,919 --> 00:10:38,957 - COLO-VAC 5,000. 291 00:10:38,991 --> 00:10:42,512 - WOW. COLO-VAC 5,000. THAT SOUNDS POWERFUL. 292 00:10:42,546 --> 00:10:43,478 IS THAT--IS IT GONNA HURT? 293 00:10:43,513 --> 00:10:45,584 - IT'S GONNA HURT A LOT. 294 00:10:45,618 --> 00:10:47,034 MAINLY BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST. 295 00:10:47,068 --> 00:10:48,587 - WELL, HE RAN LIKE A BAT OUTTA HELL 296 00:10:48,621 --> 00:10:50,313 AS SOON AS YOU SAID THE NAME. - HE'S NEW. 297 00:10:50,347 --> 00:10:52,073 AND WE ARE PARAMEDICS, SIR. 298 00:10:52,108 --> 00:10:54,317 EVEN IF THERE WAS A DEVICE THAT SUCKED SODA BOTTLES 299 00:10:54,351 --> 00:10:57,354 OUT OF THE PLACE WE DARE NOT GO, OUR BUDGET WOULDN'T COVER IT. 300 00:10:57,389 --> 00:10:58,804 - WE BARELY GET DENTAL, 301 00:10:58,839 --> 00:11:00,599 LET ALONE ANAL. [clicks tongue] 302 00:11:00,633 --> 00:11:03,257 - WE'RE GOING TO THE HOSPITAL. - [chuckles] OH, MAN. 303 00:11:03,291 --> 00:11:06,398 - GUYS, LOOK, I'LL GIVE YOU 2 GRAND IF YOU TRY TO GET IT OUT. 304 00:11:06,432 --> 00:11:08,434 3 GRAND IF YOU HAVE THE TWINK DO IT. 305 00:11:08,469 --> 00:11:11,368 [siren wailing] SLOWER. PLEASE, SLOWER. 306 00:11:11,403 --> 00:11:13,923 JUST A LITTLE...SLOWER. 307 00:11:13,957 --> 00:11:15,234 - ALL RIGHT. [horn honks] 308 00:11:15,269 --> 00:11:16,201 YEAH. - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, 309 00:11:16,235 --> 00:11:17,512 PLEASE, SLOWER. 310 00:11:17,547 --> 00:11:18,513 JUST A...LITTLE BIT SLOWER. 311 00:11:18,548 --> 00:11:20,377 - OKAY. 312 00:11:20,412 --> 00:11:24,830 - SLOW DOWN. PLEASE. JUST SLOW DOWN. HAVE A HEART. 313 00:11:24,865 --> 00:11:27,419 AAH! 314 00:11:27,453 --> 00:11:29,110 IT'S OUT! - HEY! 315 00:11:29,145 --> 00:11:30,353 - NICE DRIVING, BRO. 316 00:11:30,387 --> 00:11:31,734 - LAWS OF GRAVITY. 317 00:11:31,768 --> 00:11:33,114 - SO SHOULD WE DROP YOU BACK AT HOME, 318 00:11:33,149 --> 00:11:35,427 OR WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO THE SUPERMARKET? 319 00:11:35,461 --> 00:11:37,567 - SUPERMARKET. WHY? 320 00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:39,258 - TO GET YOUR DEPOSIT BACK. 321 00:11:39,293 --> 00:11:42,261 [laughter] 322 00:11:42,296 --> 00:11:45,126 - THAT'S NOT THAT FUNNY, DRIVER. - PRETTY GOOD. 323 00:11:49,682 --> 00:11:52,237 - WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK? - NOT SODA. NOT SODA. 324 00:11:52,271 --> 00:11:53,548 - OKAY. - ANYTHING BUT SODA. 325 00:11:53,583 --> 00:11:55,205 - OKAY. - OH, HEY, GUYS, 326 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:56,379 DENZEL APPROACHING. 327 00:11:56,413 --> 00:11:58,312 - MAYBE HE SHOULD BE YOUR I.C.E. 328 00:11:58,346 --> 00:12:01,798 - I'D GLADLY STRIP DOWN AND JUMP IN MY DEATHBED RIGHT NOW. MMM. 329 00:12:01,833 --> 00:12:03,558 - HEY, GUYS. 330 00:12:03,593 --> 00:12:05,802 JOHNNY, THERESA WANTS TO SEE YOU OUTSIDE FOR A SEC. 331 00:12:05,837 --> 00:12:06,803 - YOU AIN'T BACK IN FIVE MINUTES, 332 00:12:06,838 --> 00:12:09,254 I'M EATING YOUR SANDWICH. 333 00:12:09,288 --> 00:12:11,877 - HEY. - HEY. 334 00:12:11,912 --> 00:12:13,776 - WHAT'S UP? - I JUST WANTED TO CHAT. 335 00:12:13,810 --> 00:12:17,227 YOU KNOW, YOU WERE SAYING BEFORE THAT YOU WERE, UM... 336 00:12:17,262 --> 00:12:21,059 I MEAN, IT JUST FEELS LIKE FOREVER SINCE WE TALKED. 337 00:12:21,093 --> 00:12:22,405 - YOUR IDEA, WHAT'D YOU CALL IT? 338 00:12:22,439 --> 00:12:25,028 - PHONE TRUCE. - PHONE TRUCE. RIGHT. 339 00:12:27,513 --> 00:12:29,653 ARE YOU REALLY OKAY? 340 00:12:29,688 --> 00:12:31,966 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN WONDERING HOW YOU'VE BEEN HANDLING THE WHOLE-- 341 00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:35,142 WOW, YOU SMELL INCREDIBLY SEXY. 342 00:12:35,176 --> 00:12:36,246 - THANK YOU. 343 00:12:36,281 --> 00:12:37,903 - A NEW PERFUME? - UH-HUH. 344 00:12:37,938 --> 00:12:41,182 - IT'S NICE. IT'S, UH... 345 00:12:41,217 --> 00:12:44,841 WELL, IT'S VERY PROVOCATIVE. 346 00:12:44,876 --> 00:12:46,325 - I'VE BEEN TRYING NEW THINGS. 347 00:12:46,360 --> 00:12:48,155 WHERE DID YOU EVEN HEAR THAT WORD? 348 00:12:48,189 --> 00:12:49,639 - PROVOCATIVE? SCRABBLE. 349 00:12:49,673 --> 00:12:51,434 HANK PLAYED IT. GOT, LIKE, A MILLION POINTS. 350 00:12:51,468 --> 00:12:52,676 - YOU'RE PLAYING SCRABBLE? 351 00:12:52,711 --> 00:12:55,300 - OH, I'M LIKE A NEW GUY NOW. 352 00:12:55,334 --> 00:12:58,786 SCRABBLE, FRENCH DOUGHNUTS, YOGA... 353 00:12:58,821 --> 00:13:00,546 - YOU'RE DOING YOGA? - I'M SIGNING UP FOR IT. 354 00:13:00,581 --> 00:13:02,445 - I WANTED YOU TO DO YOGA. 355 00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:05,344 - SEE, I'M SHOWING YOU. I CAN CHANGE. 356 00:13:05,379 --> 00:13:07,622 - HEY, JOHNNY, THEY HAVE TAPENADE IN HERE, 357 00:13:07,657 --> 00:13:09,279 WHICH I LOVE. 358 00:13:09,314 --> 00:13:10,694 I'M GETTING SOME ON MY SANDWICH. 359 00:13:10,729 --> 00:13:12,869 DO YOU WANT SOME ON YOURS? 360 00:13:12,904 --> 00:13:15,527 - YES, I DO. 361 00:13:15,561 --> 00:13:17,149 HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT WE SHOULD DO? - WHAT? 362 00:13:17,184 --> 00:13:18,875 - WE SHOULD GO BACK TO YOUR PLACE TONIGHT. 363 00:13:18,910 --> 00:13:22,120 WATCH SOME DVDs... - I CAN'T. 364 00:13:22,154 --> 00:13:23,604 - WHY NOT? - I'M BUSY. 365 00:13:23,638 --> 00:13:24,501 - WELL, MAKE A CALL. GET UN-BUSY. 366 00:13:24,536 --> 00:13:28,540 - I HAVE A DATE. - OH. 367 00:13:28,574 --> 00:13:29,679 - I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING, RIGHT? 368 00:13:29,713 --> 00:13:30,991 TAKING A BREAK? - YEAH. 369 00:13:31,025 --> 00:13:33,303 - SEEING OTHER PEOPLE. - RIGHT. YEAH. 370 00:13:33,338 --> 00:13:35,098 HOW MANY DATES YOU BEEN ON? - THIS IS MY FIRST ONE. 371 00:13:35,133 --> 00:13:36,099 - AH. - YOU? 372 00:13:36,134 --> 00:13:37,790 - NONE. - OH. 373 00:13:37,825 --> 00:13:41,484 - BUT I'VE BEEN GOING OUT A LOT WITH HANK AND THE GUYS. 374 00:13:41,518 --> 00:13:42,692 WE ATE SUSHI. 375 00:13:42,726 --> 00:13:44,487 WE TALKED TO THESE GIRLS-- 376 00:13:44,521 --> 00:13:46,316 I TALKED TO THIS ONE GIRL FOR, LIKE, AN HOUR AND A HALF. 377 00:13:46,351 --> 00:13:48,146 WHO'S YOUR DATE WITH? 378 00:13:48,180 --> 00:13:49,733 - NO ONE YOU KNOW. YOU'VE BEEN EATING SUSHI? 379 00:13:49,768 --> 00:13:51,459 - TWICE. I ATE IT TWICE. IS IT WITH DENZEL? 380 00:13:51,494 --> 00:13:52,633 - WHO? - YOUR PARTNER. 381 00:13:52,667 --> 00:13:53,668 - NO. - DID HE ASK YOU OUT? 382 00:13:53,703 --> 00:13:54,669 - OH, GOD, DON'T DO THIS. 383 00:13:54,704 --> 00:13:56,188 - DID YOU ASK HIM OUT? 384 00:13:56,223 --> 00:13:57,362 - OH, MY GOD, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED AT ALL. 385 00:13:57,396 --> 00:13:58,363 - FRENCH DOUGHNUTS. 386 00:13:58,397 --> 00:14:00,813 - MOVE IN WITH ME. 387 00:14:00,848 --> 00:14:04,472 - YOU--YOU KNOW MY MATH ON THIS. - OH, YEAH, I KNOW IT WELL. 388 00:14:04,507 --> 00:14:06,233 WE MOVE IN TOGETHER, IT DOESN'T WORK, WE BREAK UP. 389 00:14:06,267 --> 00:14:08,373 HOW IS THAT ANY DIFFERENT TO WHERE WE ARE NOW? 390 00:14:08,407 --> 00:14:10,651 - WE STILL LIKE EACH OTHER NOW. - OH, MY GOD. 391 00:14:10,685 --> 00:14:12,411 - WHAT AM I MISSING HERE? 392 00:14:12,446 --> 00:14:13,171 - HERE IS ANOTHER MATHEMATICAL POSSIBILITY. 393 00:14:13,205 --> 00:14:14,655 - OKAY. 394 00:14:14,689 --> 00:14:15,690 - WE MOVE IN TOGETHER... - UH-HUH. 395 00:14:15,725 --> 00:14:16,968 - IT GOES GREAT. - MM-HMM. 396 00:14:17,002 --> 00:14:18,521 - WE FALL EVEN MORE DEEPLY IN LOVE 397 00:14:18,555 --> 00:14:20,040 AND REALIZE THAT WE WANT TO GET MARRIED 398 00:14:20,074 --> 00:14:21,938 AND HAVE KIDS. - THAT'S... 399 00:14:21,973 --> 00:14:23,595 - REALLY? THE KIDS THING SCARES YOU? 400 00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:25,010 - YOU HAVE EIGHT BROTHERS AND SISTERS. 401 00:14:25,045 --> 00:14:26,494 WHEN YOU SAY "KIDS," IT MAKES ME THINK ABOUT 402 00:14:26,529 --> 00:14:28,082 LIVING WITH THE ENTIRE CUBS PITCHING STAFF. 403 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,222 - WITH ONE MAJOR DIFFERENCE. 404 00:14:30,257 --> 00:14:31,672 MY KIDS COULD HOLD A LEAD IN THE NINTH. 405 00:14:31,706 --> 00:14:36,366 - [chuckles] 406 00:14:36,401 --> 00:14:39,956 SEE, THAT'S WHY I LOVE YOU. - THEN MOVE IN WITH ME. 407 00:14:39,991 --> 00:14:42,476 OR MOVE ON. 408 00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:58,285 - HEY, YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE. 409 00:15:05,740 --> 00:15:08,536 [all cheer] 410 00:15:08,571 --> 00:15:10,055 - HEY, CONGRATULATIONS ON MAKING IT THROUGH YOUR FIRST DAY. 411 00:15:10,090 --> 00:15:11,884 - THANKS, GUYS. - WELL DONE, BUDDY. 412 00:15:11,919 --> 00:15:15,233 - TO THE EASTER SEAL. - EASTER SEAL. 413 00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:17,131 - EW. - WHAT IS THIS? 414 00:15:17,166 --> 00:15:18,788 - IT'S A PEACH COBBLER. I INVENTED IT. 415 00:15:18,822 --> 00:15:21,239 GINGER ALE, LEMON ZEST, AND A DASH OF PEACH SCHNAPPS. 416 00:15:21,273 --> 00:15:22,826 - KEEP DRINKING THESE, 417 00:15:22,861 --> 00:15:24,276 PRETTY SOON YOUR TITS WILL BE BIGGER THAN MINE. 418 00:15:24,311 --> 00:15:26,382 [laughter] - HEY, GO OVER TO THE BAR 419 00:15:26,416 --> 00:15:28,901 AND GET SIX BEERS AND SIX SHOTS OF WHISKEY. 420 00:15:28,936 --> 00:15:30,938 - OH, NOT SUPPOSED TO DRINK WHISKEY. 421 00:15:30,973 --> 00:15:33,492 - WHY NOT? - MAKES ME WANNA DANCE... 422 00:15:33,527 --> 00:15:35,149 NAKED. - [gasps] 423 00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:37,980 - DOUBLES. GET SIX DOUBLES. - OOH, YEAH. 424 00:15:38,014 --> 00:15:40,085 - I GOT MY CAMERA PHONE. - BETTER GET THAT WHISKEY. 425 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,155 - DANCE, DANCE, DANCE, MONKEY. 426 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,329 - OH, WE GOTTA GO. - WHY? 427 00:15:42,363 --> 00:15:44,434 - I GPS'D THERESA'S CELL PHONE, 428 00:15:44,469 --> 00:15:45,642 AND SHE'S LEAVING HER APARTMENT RIGHT NOW TO GO ON HER DATE. 429 00:15:45,677 --> 00:15:47,161 - OH, WHICH YOU DID WHEN YOU AND HER 430 00:15:47,196 --> 00:15:48,921 WERE FOOLING AROUND OUTSIDE THE SANDWICH SHOP? 431 00:15:48,956 --> 00:15:50,233 - WHAT? - SHE WEARS CHANEL NO. 5. 432 00:15:50,268 --> 00:15:51,683 YOU CAME BACK INSIDE REEKING 433 00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:53,236 LIKE YOU JUST GUEST-HOSTED THE VIEW. 434 00:15:53,271 --> 00:15:54,479 - I PICKED A GAY GUY TO BE MY BEST FRIEND. 435 00:15:54,513 --> 00:15:56,032 - OH, WITH SUPER GAY SMELLING POWER. 436 00:15:56,067 --> 00:15:57,861 - SMUG IS NOT A GOOD LOOK ON YOU, SIR. 437 00:15:57,896 --> 00:15:59,622 - PRETTY GOOD LOOK. GOES WITH MY EYES AND MY COCK. 438 00:15:59,656 --> 00:16:00,968 - SHE'S GONNA RECOGNIZE MY TRUCK 439 00:16:01,003 --> 00:16:02,487 AND YOUR CAR, SO WE NEED TO TAKE BRIAN'S. 440 00:16:02,521 --> 00:16:03,971 - BRIAN'S NEVER GONNA GO FOR THAT. 441 00:16:04,006 --> 00:16:05,524 - WHY NOT? - BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU MISCREANTS, 442 00:16:05,559 --> 00:16:08,527 HE'S A DECENT, MORAL, CIVILIZED HUMAN BEING, 443 00:16:08,562 --> 00:16:10,633 WHO RESPECTS THE PRIVACY OF OTHERS. 444 00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:12,255 - EXACTLY, WHICH IS WHY 445 00:16:12,290 --> 00:16:13,256 WE GOTTA GET HIM REALLY, REALLY SH--FACED. 446 00:16:13,291 --> 00:16:14,947 - YES. 447 00:16:14,982 --> 00:16:16,259 - HE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THE TASTE OF THAT WHISKEY, THOUGH. 448 00:16:16,294 --> 00:16:18,192 BRIAN. 449 00:16:18,227 --> 00:16:21,092 ADD SIX PEACH COBBLERS. 450 00:16:21,126 --> 00:16:22,610 - YOU'VE BEEN WARNED. 451 00:16:22,645 --> 00:16:25,544 [all cheer] - YOU'RE GETTING CRAZY TONIGHT. 452 00:16:25,579 --> 00:16:27,615 - A '94 SUBARU, BRIAN. 453 00:16:27,650 --> 00:16:29,376 COULD'VE HITCHED A RIDE ON THE BACK OF A RICKSHAW 454 00:16:29,410 --> 00:16:30,687 AND GOT THERE FASTER. 455 00:16:30,722 --> 00:16:32,379 AND PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON. 456 00:16:32,413 --> 00:16:36,521 - OH, YOU GUYS HOT? HEY, LET'S GO SWIMMING, HUH? 457 00:16:36,555 --> 00:16:38,902 - LAST TIME I SAW THIS MUCH WHITE WAS AT A COLDPLAY CONCERT. 458 00:16:38,937 --> 00:16:40,697 - 35 MILES PER HOUR. - IT WON'T GO ANY FASTER. 459 00:16:40,732 --> 00:16:42,458 - IF IT HITS 40, IT STARTS TO SHAKE. 460 00:16:42,492 --> 00:16:43,873 - IT'S SHAKING RIGHT NOW. 461 00:16:43,907 --> 00:16:45,668 - THIS IS NOT A SHAKE, THIS IS A SHIMMY. 462 00:16:45,702 --> 00:16:48,740 HEY, HOW AWESOME IS MICHAEL PHELPS, GUYS? 463 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:50,811 - GOD, ALL HE'S WEARING IS A SPEEDO NOW. 464 00:16:50,845 --> 00:16:52,744 - THIS AIN'T GONNA WORK. 465 00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,677 IF THEY HEAD OUT THAT RESTAURANT HEADING BACK TO HIS PLACE, 466 00:16:54,711 --> 00:16:56,092 THE ONLY WAY WE'RE KEEPING UP IS IF THEY'RE RIDING ON A BICYCLE. 467 00:16:56,127 --> 00:16:57,300 - SHE'S NOT GOING BACK TO HIS PLACE. 468 00:16:57,335 --> 00:16:58,750 - WHAT HE LOOK LIKE? 469 00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:01,649 - SHE SAID HE LOOKED LIKE, UH, MATT DAMON. 470 00:17:01,684 --> 00:17:04,342 - WE'RE GONNA NEED A FASTER CAR. - GOD. 471 00:17:04,376 --> 00:17:07,103 - DUDE'S FREAKING TAKING HER TO DAUPHINEA? 472 00:17:07,138 --> 00:17:09,209 THEY SERVE A CHOCOLATE GALETTE HERE 473 00:17:09,243 --> 00:17:10,865 DRIZZLED IN LIQUID GOLD. 474 00:17:10,900 --> 00:17:12,522 YOU SURE IT'S NOT THE REAL MATT DAMON? 475 00:17:12,557 --> 00:17:14,110 - WHAT'S A GALETTE? - IT'S LIKE A PUDDING. 476 00:17:14,145 --> 00:17:15,491 - IT'S A CAKE. 477 00:17:15,525 --> 00:17:17,941 A FLAT, FREE-FORM, EXPENSIVE GODDAMN CAKE. 478 00:17:17,976 --> 00:17:20,910 I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW, SHE'S SLEEPING WITH THIS DUDE TONIGHT. 479 00:17:20,944 --> 00:17:22,739 THIS THE KIND OF PLACE YOU TAKE A CHICK IN, 480 00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:24,189 LET HER SMELL A NAPKIN, 481 00:17:24,224 --> 00:17:25,570 SHE'LL BLOW YOU RIGHT THERE AT THE TABLE. 482 00:17:25,604 --> 00:17:27,054 SHE MIGHT BE BLOWING THE GUY RIGHT NOW, 483 00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,124 BETWEEN THE APPETIZER AND THE MAIN COURSE. 484 00:17:28,159 --> 00:17:29,125 I KNOW I WOULD. - [humming] 485 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:30,437 - BRIAN, STOP. 486 00:17:30,471 --> 00:17:31,438 - YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME. 487 00:17:31,472 --> 00:17:32,508 - I AM HELPING YOU, BROTHER. 488 00:17:32,542 --> 00:17:33,681 I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH. 489 00:17:33,716 --> 00:17:35,442 NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED 490 00:17:35,476 --> 00:17:36,408 IF YOU HAD PAID THE RIGHT KIND OF ATTENTION TO HER 491 00:17:36,443 --> 00:17:37,789 INSTEAD OF LAYING AROUND THE HOUSE 492 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:39,549 PLAYING MADDEN ON THE XBOX ALL DAY. 493 00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:41,033 BRIAN, STOP IT. - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 494 00:17:41,068 --> 00:17:43,553 YOU WERE WITH ME HALF THE TIME, PLAYING XBOX. 495 00:17:43,588 --> 00:17:46,384 - SO I COULD SABOTAGE MY RELATIONSHIP WITH JEFF THE CHEF. 496 00:17:46,418 --> 00:17:48,386 I HAD A MASTER PLAN. I KNEW WHAT I WAS DOING. 497 00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:50,560 - IF YOU EAT GOLD, DOES THAT MEAN YOU SH-- GOLD? 498 00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:51,906 - BRIAN, SHUT UP. - [laughs] 499 00:17:51,941 --> 00:17:53,529 WHY ARE YOU TAKING IT OUT ON BRIAN? 500 00:17:53,563 --> 00:17:55,600 - I'M NOT TAKING IT OUT ON BRI-- YOU STARTED THIS. 501 00:17:55,634 --> 00:17:58,050 - MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY "SH--TING BRICKS." 502 00:17:58,085 --> 00:17:59,638 - I SWEAR TO GOD, BUDDY. - [laughs] 503 00:17:59,673 --> 00:18:01,364 HEY, YOU STARTED THIS BY NOT LISTENING TO YOUR CHICK. 504 00:18:01,399 --> 00:18:03,435 AND NOW SHE'S GIVING HUMMERS TO MOVIE STARS 505 00:18:03,470 --> 00:18:05,817 IN PLACES WHERE THEY WON'T LET YOU DO THE HEIMLICH MANEUVER IN. 506 00:18:05,851 --> 00:18:07,888 YOU HAPPY? - OH, MY GOD. 507 00:18:07,922 --> 00:18:09,786 - WHAT? - IS THAT THE GUY? 508 00:18:09,821 --> 00:18:12,479 - OH, MY GOD. - OH. 509 00:18:12,513 --> 00:18:15,930 I WOULD CONSIDER HAVING ORAL SEX WITH THAT MAN. 510 00:18:15,965 --> 00:18:18,726 - MY GIRLFRIEND'S GONNA HAVE SEX WITH JASON BOURNE. 511 00:18:18,761 --> 00:18:21,143 - SHE'S LOOKING THIS WAY! - OH! 512 00:18:21,177 --> 00:18:24,836 - DID YOU SEE THAT NEW JASON BOURNE MOVIE WITH JEREMY RENNER 513 00:18:24,870 --> 00:18:27,666 WHERE IT'S LIKE HE'S NOT JASON BOURNE, 514 00:18:27,701 --> 00:18:32,188 BUT THERE'S A WHOLE PROGRAM? 515 00:18:32,223 --> 00:18:34,466 I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU HAD. 516 00:18:34,501 --> 00:18:36,606 - THIS IS SO BAD. THIS IS SO BAD. 517 00:18:36,641 --> 00:18:37,849 DID I TELL YOU THAT SHE SH--CANNED ME AS HER I.C.E. 518 00:18:37,883 --> 00:18:39,644 AND PUT IN HER SISTER? 519 00:18:39,678 --> 00:18:41,818 - SHE DESPISES HER SISTER. - [laughs] I KNOW. 520 00:18:41,853 --> 00:18:43,751 - WHAT THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DOING HERE? 521 00:18:43,786 --> 00:18:46,202 YOU SHOULD'VE MENTIONED THAT UP FRONT. IT'S OVER, MAN. 522 00:18:46,237 --> 00:18:47,859 HER USING HER SISTER AS HER I.C.E. 523 00:18:47,893 --> 00:18:51,518 IS LIKE ME USING ANN GODDAMN COULTER. 524 00:18:51,552 --> 00:18:53,416 OH, MY GOD. both: OH. 525 00:18:53,451 --> 00:18:55,107 - WOW. 526 00:18:55,142 --> 00:18:58,145 - THE GUY DRIVES A LAMBORGHINI? - LORD, PLEASE. 527 00:18:58,180 --> 00:19:00,112 PLEASE, LORD, DON'T LET HER SLEEP WITH THIS GUY. 528 00:19:00,147 --> 00:19:02,218 - PLEASE, LORD, IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, LET THIS GUY BE GAY. 529 00:19:02,253 --> 00:19:03,668 - HEY, THEY'RE MAKING OUT. 530 00:19:03,702 --> 00:19:05,325 - OKAY, FORGET GAY. LET HIM BE BI. 531 00:19:05,359 --> 00:19:08,224 - SHE'S PUSHING HIM AWAY. - MM. 532 00:19:08,259 --> 00:19:09,501 WAIT, IS SHE-- 533 00:19:09,536 --> 00:19:10,951 - YEAH, SHE'S GIVING HIM A TICKET. 534 00:19:10,985 --> 00:19:12,953 - MUST HAVE BEEN A TERRIBLE KISS. 535 00:19:12,987 --> 00:19:14,334 - BRIAN. - I KNOW. I'LL STOP. 536 00:19:14,368 --> 00:19:17,060 OH, HEY! 537 00:19:17,095 --> 00:19:19,131 SHE'S WALKING AWAY. - YEAH! OF COURSE SHE IS. 538 00:19:19,166 --> 00:19:20,857 SEE, 'CAUSE SHE'S TOO SMART TO FALL FOR AMERICAN PSYCHO-- 539 00:19:20,892 --> 00:19:22,307 - HEY! - HI. 540 00:19:22,342 --> 00:19:25,483 - HI, THERESA. - WHY DO YOU SMELL LIKE PEACHES? 541 00:19:25,517 --> 00:19:28,348 - 'CAUSE I'M DRUNK. OH, YOU LOOK SO PRETTY. 542 00:19:28,382 --> 00:19:30,281 - DID YOU JUST GIVE THAT GUY A TICKET? 543 00:19:30,315 --> 00:19:33,042 - YES. HIS REGISTRATION WAS EXPIRED. 544 00:19:33,076 --> 00:19:35,493 WHICH I'D NORMALLY LET GO WHEN ON A DATE WITH SUCH 545 00:19:35,527 --> 00:19:38,496 AN INCREDIBLY HANDSOME, SEXY, SHOCKINGLY WEALTHY DUDE, 546 00:19:38,530 --> 00:19:40,187 EXCEPT FOR TWO THINGS: 547 00:19:40,222 --> 00:19:42,741 NUMBER ONE, HE WOULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF. 548 00:19:42,776 --> 00:19:45,503 HE WAS A COCKY, ARROGANT, SELF-INVOLVED ASSHOLE, 549 00:19:45,537 --> 00:19:48,091 WHICH APPARENTLY I SEEM TO BE ATTRACTED TO. 550 00:19:48,126 --> 00:19:49,748 SO I WAS STILL GONNA LET HIM MAKE OUT WITH ME 551 00:19:49,783 --> 00:19:53,165 RIGHT THERE IN THE CAR FOR HOPEFULLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES. 552 00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:54,753 - BECAUSE HE DRIVES A LAMBORGHINI? 553 00:19:54,788 --> 00:19:56,341 - THAT AND THE FACT THAT I KNEW 554 00:19:56,376 --> 00:19:57,860 YOU GUYS WERE OUT HERE WATCHING ME. 555 00:19:57,894 --> 00:19:59,551 - [laughs] HOW? 556 00:19:59,586 --> 00:20:01,484 - BECAUSE I GPS'D YOUR PHONE ABOUT TWO MONTHS AGO. 557 00:20:01,519 --> 00:20:03,831 all: OH. 558 00:20:03,866 --> 00:20:05,247 - YOU KNOW WHAT? 559 00:20:05,281 --> 00:20:07,318 I SHOULD NEVER HAVE DELETED YOU AS MY I.C.E. 560 00:20:07,352 --> 00:20:09,492 BECAUSE WHO BETTER TO CALL 561 00:20:09,527 --> 00:20:11,080 IN CASE OF EMERGENCY THAN SOMEONE 562 00:20:11,114 --> 00:20:13,531 WHO IS ALREADY PARKED RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET? 563 00:20:13,565 --> 00:20:16,188 [chuckles] MY GOD, JOHNNY. 564 00:20:16,223 --> 00:20:18,708 IF ONLY YOU WOULD PUT THIS MUCH THOUGHT AND ENERGY 565 00:20:18,743 --> 00:20:20,572 INTO OUR RELATIONSHIP. 566 00:20:20,607 --> 00:20:22,747 IT COULD'VE ENDED WITH US WALKING HOME TONIGHT 567 00:20:22,781 --> 00:20:25,094 ARM IN ARM, TOTALLY IN LOVE. 568 00:20:25,128 --> 00:20:29,305 INSTEAD, I'LL BE TAKING A TAXI BY MYSELF. 569 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:30,893 GOOD NIGHT, GENTLEMEN. 570 00:20:30,927 --> 00:20:32,377 JOHNNY. 571 00:20:37,313 --> 00:20:41,593 - WELL, WHO'S GLAD WE CAME? 572 00:20:41,628 --> 00:20:43,008 [indistinct intercom chatter] 573 00:20:43,043 --> 00:20:45,114 - WASH 'EM DOWN QUICK, PEACH FUZZ. 574 00:20:45,148 --> 00:20:46,840 HANK'S GOT THE RIG LOADED AND READY TO ROLL. 575 00:20:46,874 --> 00:20:48,186 HE'S FUELING IT UP AS WE SPEAK. 576 00:20:48,220 --> 00:20:49,567 ALL JOBS THE NEW KID... [drums hands] 577 00:20:49,601 --> 00:20:51,085 IS SUPPOSED TO DO... [drums] 578 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,501 EVEN WITH... [drums] 579 00:20:52,535 --> 00:20:54,123 A MASSIVE HANGOVER. [bangs] 580 00:20:54,157 --> 00:20:56,332 - BEST CURE I KNOW FOR A HANGOVER IS JUMPING IN THE LAKE. 581 00:20:56,367 --> 00:20:58,369 NAKED. - MM. 582 00:21:01,751 --> 00:21:04,789 - I NEED SOMETHING TO DRINK. SOMETHING WITHOUT ALCOHOL. 583 00:21:04,823 --> 00:21:07,101 - HERE. 584 00:21:07,136 --> 00:21:08,517 - I THINK I'M OFF PEACHES. 585 00:21:08,551 --> 00:21:10,864 AND BARS. AND SWIMMING. 586 00:21:10,898 --> 00:21:12,555 - I'M SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU 587 00:21:12,590 --> 00:21:13,936 IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WHOLE THERESA THING, 588 00:21:13,970 --> 00:21:16,318 EASTER SEAL, IT WAS UNFAIR AND IRRESPONSIBLE. 589 00:21:16,352 --> 00:21:17,767 - NO, THAT PART WAS AWESOME. 590 00:21:17,802 --> 00:21:19,597 I'VE NEVER BEEN ON A SPY MISSION BEFORE. 591 00:21:19,631 --> 00:21:21,599 - YEAH? 592 00:21:21,633 --> 00:21:22,565 WELL, IN THAT CASE, YOU CAN JOIN US TONIGHT IF YOU WANT. 593 00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:24,256 SHE'S GOT ANOTHER DATE. 594 00:21:24,291 --> 00:21:25,948 BUT SHE UN-GPS'D HER PHONE, SO WE NEED TO RENT A CAR 595 00:21:25,982 --> 00:21:27,570 AND BE OUT IN FRONT OF HER APARTMENT BY 6:00 TO FOLLOW HER 596 00:21:27,605 --> 00:21:29,123 AND WHOEVER THE HELL'S COMING TO PICK HER UP, 597 00:21:29,158 --> 00:21:32,748 WHICH I'M PRETTY SURE IS GONNA BE DENZEL. 598 00:21:32,782 --> 00:21:34,301 WHAT? 599 00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,786 - DRUNK AS I WAS, I CLEARLY RECALL THERESA SAYING 600 00:21:36,821 --> 00:21:38,995 THAT SHE WANTED TO SEE SOME NEW BEHAVIOR FROM YOU. 601 00:21:39,030 --> 00:21:40,756 - WHAT'D I SAY? NO PHONE. RENTAL CAR. 602 00:21:40,790 --> 00:21:44,449 - THOSE ARE NOT NEW. 603 00:21:44,484 --> 00:21:45,485 THIS SODA TASTES FUNNY. 604 00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:46,796 - REALLY? - IT SHOULD. 605 00:21:46,831 --> 00:21:48,591 - SEEING AS HOW THE BOTTLE IT'S IN 606 00:21:48,626 --> 00:21:51,525 SPENT MOST OF YESTERDAY UP SOME FAT GUY'S ASS. 607 00:21:56,427 --> 00:21:57,669 - I SWALLOWED IT. - [laughs] 608 00:21:57,704 --> 00:21:58,946 [shutter clicks] - AAH! 609 00:21:58,981 --> 00:22:01,639 NO! NO! [laughter] 610 00:22:01,673 --> 00:22:03,365 - SECOND BEST CURE FOR A HANGOVER. 611 00:22:03,399 --> 00:22:05,850 [laughter] 612 00:22:05,884 --> 00:22:07,127 - WHAT AN A-HOLE. 613 00:22:07,161 --> 00:22:09,129 - I--[chuckles] HEY. 614 00:22:09,163 --> 00:22:11,959 - DID HE DRINK IT? - ALMOST THE WHOLE BOTTLE. 615 00:22:11,994 --> 00:22:13,616 - I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM IT WASN'T THE ACTUAL BOTTLE YET. 616 00:22:13,651 --> 00:22:14,962 - NO, I WAS GONNA WAIT A LITTLE WHILE FOR THAT. 617 00:22:14,997 --> 00:22:15,860 LIKE, MAYBE A MONTH. 618 00:22:15,894 --> 00:22:17,033 - AH. [chuckles] 619 00:22:17,068 --> 00:22:18,414 - I'LL SEE YOU IN FIVE. 620 00:22:18,449 --> 00:22:20,451 - SEE YOU IN A BIT. 621 00:22:24,006 --> 00:22:26,974 [hip-hop music] 622 00:22:27,009 --> 00:22:35,017 ♪