1
00:00:00,970 --> 00:00:02,237
Have a nice weekend, Peralta?
2
00:00:02,238 --> 00:00:03,438
Yeah, nothing special.
You know, I got a couple...
3
00:00:03,473 --> 00:00:05,407
You missed Scully's birthday.
4
00:00:05,408 --> 00:00:07,309
It was kind of a big one.
5
00:00:07,310 --> 00:00:08,810
Nobody showed at the party.
6
00:00:08,845 --> 00:00:12,414
Guys, guys, guys,
we missed Scully's birthday,
7
00:00:12,415 --> 00:00:14,282
- and it was a big one.
- I know.
8
00:00:14,317 --> 00:00:16,018
I panicked and said
I had to go to the vet
9
00:00:16,019 --> 00:00:17,886
because my puppy-cat got sick.
10
00:00:17,887 --> 00:00:20,055
I said I had to take my mom
to get birth control pills.
11
00:00:20,056 --> 00:00:21,456
That's better than my excuse.
12
00:00:21,491 --> 00:00:23,682
I said I had to go
to my girls' bat mitzvahs.
13
00:00:23,693 --> 00:00:25,627
Squad, we missed
Scully's birthday,
14
00:00:25,628 --> 00:00:27,996
and it was a big one.
15
00:00:27,997 --> 00:00:30,932
I told them I was in Ecuador.
I think they bought it.
16
00:00:30,967 --> 00:00:32,267
We gotta make it up to him.
17
00:00:32,268 --> 00:00:33,435
Let's give him cash.
18
00:00:33,436 --> 00:00:34,736
Everyone, put in $20 each.
19
00:00:34,737 --> 00:00:35,737
Uh...
20
00:00:35,738 --> 00:00:36,805
Yes, I'll cover you.
21
00:00:36,839 --> 00:00:38,106
Hey, Scully...
22
00:00:38,107 --> 00:00:39,675
Huh?
23
00:00:39,676 --> 00:00:41,843
We're sorry
that we missed your party.
24
00:00:41,844 --> 00:00:44,279
Oh, don't worry about it.
You all had stuff to do.
25
00:00:44,313 --> 00:00:47,015
Yes, the capital of Ecuador
is Quito.
26
00:00:47,050 --> 00:00:48,150
Oh.
27
00:00:48,184 --> 00:00:50,452
Anyway, Happy Birthday
from all of us.
28
00:00:50,453 --> 00:00:51,853
Thanks, guys.
You're the best.
29
00:00:51,888 --> 00:00:53,088
Happy Birthday.
Happy Birthday, Scully.
30
00:00:53,089 --> 00:00:55,891
Thanks.
31
00:00:55,892 --> 00:00:59,161
I can't believe it.
The fake birthday worked!
32
00:00:59,162 --> 00:01:00,128
You're a genius!
33
00:01:00,163 --> 00:01:02,297
We're both geniuses!
34
00:01:06,602 --> 00:01:07,436
Thumbtack mug.
35
00:01:07,437 --> 00:01:09,137
That was my thumbtack mug.
36
00:01:09,172 --> 00:01:12,913
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/
37
00:01:30,893 --> 00:01:33,261
I'm running this task force,
so everything goes through me.
38
00:01:33,262 --> 00:01:34,796
Got it?
Good.
39
00:01:34,797 --> 00:01:36,932
Jackson, some ecstasy was found
on the F train.
40
00:01:36,933 --> 00:01:38,567
Take it to the lab.
Find out if it's giggle pig.
41
00:01:38,601 --> 00:01:40,802
Scully, Hitchcock,
work your C.I.S.
42
00:01:40,837 --> 00:01:43,038
Miller, get a new k-9.
That dog is an idiot.
43
00:01:43,072 --> 00:01:44,773
All right, move out.
44
00:01:44,807 --> 00:01:47,409
Hey. Sorry, sorry, sorry,
sorry I'm late.
45
00:01:47,443 --> 00:01:50,479
I had to go back to the deli
and return my everything bagel.
46
00:01:50,480 --> 00:01:52,881
In what world does "everything"
not include beef jerky?
47
00:01:52,882 --> 00:01:53,915
All of them.
Okay.
48
00:01:53,916 --> 00:01:55,117
Here's what's up.
Yeah.
49
00:01:55,118 --> 00:01:57,019
Task force brought in a giggle
pig dealer this morning.
50
00:01:57,020 --> 00:01:58,587
Nice.
51
00:01:58,588 --> 00:02:01,390
Second guy we've brought in
that's had one of these keys.
52
00:02:01,391 --> 00:02:02,357
Huh.
53
00:02:02,392 --> 00:02:04,292
My best guess, this opens
54
00:02:04,293 --> 00:02:06,962
a creepy, old wardrobe/portal
to an enchanted land
55
00:02:06,963 --> 00:02:08,730
full of talking toads
and fairy folk.
56
00:02:08,731 --> 00:02:10,766
Interesting.
57
00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:12,134
It has something to do
with the post office.
58
00:02:12,135 --> 00:02:13,602
It's got "USPS" engraved on it.
59
00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:15,070
Take it to
the postal inspection service.
60
00:02:15,104 --> 00:02:16,138
See what you can find out.
61
00:02:16,172 --> 00:02:17,205
Copy that.
62
00:02:17,206 --> 00:02:19,374
Hey, work this thing hard.
63
00:02:19,375 --> 00:02:20,375
We're under a lot of pressure
with the task force,
64
00:02:20,376 --> 00:02:21,443
so we could really use a win.
65
00:02:21,477 --> 00:02:22,811
You got it.
66
00:02:22,812 --> 00:02:24,012
You're my friend,
and I won't let you down.
67
00:02:24,013 --> 00:02:26,048
I'm gonna push you up,
just like a bra.
68
00:02:26,049 --> 00:02:27,416
What?
69
00:02:27,417 --> 00:02:29,685
I meant like a brassiere,
which is totally different.
70
00:02:29,686 --> 00:02:30,652
Come on, man.
71
00:02:30,653 --> 00:02:32,020
Not better. Here we go.
Here we go!
72
00:02:32,055 --> 00:02:35,791
Santiago, I may need you to
come in for a bit on saturday.
73
00:02:35,825 --> 00:02:38,360
Again?
Are you kidding me, man?
74
00:02:40,596 --> 00:02:42,564
I'm sorry.
Let's start fresh.
75
00:02:42,565 --> 00:02:43,865
Hi!
76
00:02:43,866 --> 00:02:45,067
Oh, my God.
77
00:02:45,068 --> 00:02:46,301
What just happened?
78
00:02:46,302 --> 00:02:51,073
Her mind finally snapped,
like a stale breadstick.
79
00:02:51,074 --> 00:02:53,275
Captain, please forgive me.
80
00:02:53,276 --> 00:02:54,576
I'm just a little on edge
81
00:02:54,577 --> 00:02:57,346
because I'm trying
to quit smoking.
82
00:02:57,347 --> 00:02:59,671
I can't take the stress
of hiding it from Teddy anymore.
83
00:03:01,250 --> 00:03:03,785
Be right out, Teddy!
84
00:03:04,821 --> 00:03:08,023
I'm going cold turkey,
and it makes me irritable.
85
00:03:08,024 --> 00:03:10,592
Terrifying.
86
00:03:10,593 --> 00:03:12,794
I know I should be able
to do this by myself,
87
00:03:12,795 --> 00:03:15,697
but it would be great
if you guys could maybe
88
00:03:15,698 --> 00:03:16,798
keep an eye on me.
89
00:03:16,799 --> 00:03:18,867
Of course, we'll do everything
we can to help.
90
00:03:18,868 --> 00:03:22,537
Or, plan B, I could arrange
for you to go to a safe place
91
00:03:22,538 --> 00:03:25,941
where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.
92
00:03:25,942 --> 00:03:29,344
Look, this one's on an island.
93
00:03:30,446 --> 00:03:31,947
Okay, we're looking
for room 247,
94
00:03:31,948 --> 00:03:33,281
agent Jack danger.
95
00:03:33,282 --> 00:03:35,183
Agent Jack danger?
96
00:03:35,184 --> 00:03:38,320
Wow, that name is buh-dass.
97
00:03:38,354 --> 00:03:39,988
Code for "badass." Yeah.
98
00:03:40,023 --> 00:03:42,290
So buh-dass.
99
00:03:42,291 --> 00:03:43,291
Ah, here we are.
100
00:03:43,326 --> 00:03:44,493
Wait.
101
00:03:44,527 --> 00:03:48,664
Cool guy, probably expecting
a cool knock.
102
00:03:48,698 --> 00:03:50,165
That was incredible.
103
00:03:50,199 --> 00:03:51,299
Enter.
104
00:03:53,269 --> 00:03:55,737
Are you danger?
105
00:03:55,738 --> 00:03:56,972
Jack danger?
106
00:03:57,006 --> 00:03:58,640
It's actually pronounced
"dong-er."
107
00:03:58,641 --> 00:04:00,308
It's derived from a Dutch word
108
00:04:00,309 --> 00:04:01,977
meaning "prudence
in financial matters."
109
00:04:01,978 --> 00:04:05,747
Oh, Jack donger.
110
00:04:05,748 --> 00:04:06,715
Also cool.
111
00:04:06,749 --> 00:04:07,916
Have a seat.
112
00:04:07,917 --> 00:04:10,719
I understand you need
a little help from the big boys
113
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:11,687
here at USPIS.
114
00:04:11,721 --> 00:04:12,654
USPIS?
115
00:04:12,655 --> 00:04:14,990
Yeah, U.S. postal
inspection service,
116
00:04:15,024 --> 00:04:17,559
founded by Benjamin Franklin
in 1772,
117
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:19,828
undoubtedly the great man's
greatest accomplishment.
118
00:04:19,862 --> 00:04:20,996
Are you aware that he helped
119
00:04:20,997 --> 00:04:23,046
popularize parmesan cheese
in America?
120
00:04:23,066 --> 00:04:24,733
I am.
121
00:04:24,767 --> 00:04:28,203
USPIS is the crown jewel
of the law enforcement system.
122
00:04:28,204 --> 00:04:31,907
1,200 inspectors tackling
everything from mail fraud
123
00:04:31,908 --> 00:04:34,209
to the shipment
of contraband fruit.
124
00:04:34,243 --> 00:04:36,678
And, of course, occasionally
assisting our little brothers
125
00:04:36,679 --> 00:04:37,679
in the police department.
126
00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:38,914
Little brothers?
127
00:04:38,915 --> 00:04:43,618
Well, I am a federal agent.
You're just a local cop.
128
00:04:43,619 --> 00:04:44,553
Nothing wrong with that.
129
00:04:44,554 --> 00:04:45,721
Uh, we're here
130
00:04:45,722 --> 00:04:46,788
because we found this key.
131
00:04:46,789 --> 00:04:49,725
Whoa. Yes.
132
00:04:49,759 --> 00:04:52,227
This sexy beast was used
to open a type of mailbox
133
00:04:52,228 --> 00:04:53,695
we actually haven't used
in years.
134
00:04:53,730 --> 00:04:57,199
However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.
135
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,700
Real beauts.
136
00:04:58,701 --> 00:05:00,569
I can find out where they are
and send you the locations.
137
00:05:00,570 --> 00:05:02,371
That would be great.
Here, my email is...
138
00:05:02,405 --> 00:05:05,874
Uh, no email.
139
00:05:05,875 --> 00:05:07,309
I'll send it to you with r-mail,
140
00:05:07,310 --> 00:05:09,511
which is to say, real mail,
141
00:05:09,512 --> 00:05:12,648
because email has put hundreds
of my coworkers out of work.
142
00:05:12,649 --> 00:05:14,116
How would you like it
if they laid off
143
00:05:14,117 --> 00:05:15,517
all of your fellow detectives
144
00:05:15,518 --> 00:05:17,219
and partnered you
with a robocop?
145
00:05:17,220 --> 00:05:19,254
I've literally drawn sketches
of that.
146
00:05:19,255 --> 00:05:22,057
The robot has a backpack
that can carry me.
147
00:05:22,091 --> 00:05:24,399
Hey, how's cold turkey going?
148
00:05:29,032 --> 00:05:30,499
I heard chewing gum helps.
149
00:05:30,533 --> 00:05:34,169
You know, I never smoked, but
I did once have an addiction.
150
00:05:34,170 --> 00:05:36,772
Food... it got bad.
151
00:05:38,308 --> 00:05:39,808
You're not closed!
152
00:05:39,842 --> 00:05:41,076
It's 6:00!
153
00:05:41,077 --> 00:05:43,245
I need my mushu pork!
154
00:05:43,279 --> 00:05:45,447
I need my mushu!
155
00:05:47,317 --> 00:05:48,784
You know how
I finally stopped eating?
156
00:05:48,818 --> 00:05:50,652
You got too big to fit
through the kitchen door?
157
00:05:50,687 --> 00:05:53,755
I learned
how to beat my cravings.
158
00:05:53,756 --> 00:05:56,725
Every time I wanted food,
I rebooted my system.
159
00:05:56,726 --> 00:05:58,827
Are you ready to reboot?
160
00:05:58,861 --> 00:06:02,030
When I'd feel a food craving,
I would dunk my head
161
00:06:02,031 --> 00:06:05,100
into ice water
and reset my brain.
162
00:06:05,134 --> 00:06:06,969
Watch me.
Aah!
163
00:06:09,639 --> 00:06:11,907
Whoo!
164
00:06:11,908 --> 00:06:12,941
I'm all good!
165
00:06:12,942 --> 00:06:15,110
Yeah, you try!
166
00:06:15,111 --> 00:06:17,012
Okay.
Now!
167
00:06:20,149 --> 00:06:21,183
Do it again!
168
00:06:23,620 --> 00:06:25,787
It's so cold!
It's really cold!
169
00:06:25,822 --> 00:06:28,023
Last time.
170
00:06:29,759 --> 00:06:31,493
We think the drug dealers
have been using
171
00:06:31,494 --> 00:06:33,428
these out-of-service mailboxes
as drops
172
00:06:33,429 --> 00:06:34,963
for giggle pig and money.
173
00:06:34,998 --> 00:06:36,431
Good job.
I'm glad danger was useful.
174
00:06:36,432 --> 00:06:38,100
Actually, it's "dong-er."
175
00:06:38,101 --> 00:06:39,735
Although it should be
"dong-est."
176
00:06:39,736 --> 00:06:42,037
Can't imagine anyone being
more dong than this guy.
177
00:06:42,071 --> 00:06:43,372
Sounds like he was
a good resource.
178
00:06:43,373 --> 00:06:44,806
He showed you
where the mailboxes were, right?
179
00:06:44,807 --> 00:06:46,375
Yeah, but he also told us
how he brought down
180
00:06:46,376 --> 00:06:48,176
a snail-smuggling ring.
181
00:06:48,177 --> 00:06:49,444
For an hour.
182
00:06:49,445 --> 00:06:50,846
Yeah, he showed us
all these pictures
183
00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:53,315
of the snails, and he called
them "the littlest victims."
184
00:06:53,316 --> 00:06:57,152
Well, hopefully donger will be
less annoying from now on.
185
00:06:57,186 --> 00:06:58,353
Yeah, hopefully.
186
00:06:58,354 --> 00:06:59,521
Wait, "from now on"?
187
00:06:59,522 --> 00:07:01,857
Yeah. Yup.
No. No, no, no, no.
188
00:07:01,891 --> 00:07:04,059
Please tell me I don't have
to keep working with that...
189
00:07:04,060 --> 00:07:05,560
Detective Peralta.
190
00:07:05,561 --> 00:07:06,561
Hi.
191
00:07:06,596 --> 00:07:07,896
Love your precinct.
192
00:07:07,931 --> 00:07:10,332
Very primitive.
193
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:12,034
At USPIS, everyone gets
his own office,
194
00:07:12,035 --> 00:07:15,070
but that's because we're this
proud nation's first defense
195
00:07:15,071 --> 00:07:17,239
in the war on terror.
196
00:07:17,273 --> 00:07:20,015
Every envelope is
a potential target for Al-Qaeda.
197
00:07:20,043 --> 00:07:21,977
Oh.
198
00:07:21,978 --> 00:07:25,681
Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack donger.
199
00:07:25,715 --> 00:07:27,683
Please, I go by Jackie.
200
00:07:27,684 --> 00:07:28,850
Jackie donger.
201
00:07:28,885 --> 00:07:30,719
Of course you do.
202
00:07:38,154 --> 00:07:39,326
Take it away, Peralta.
203
00:07:39,355 --> 00:07:41,690
Will do.
204
00:07:41,691 --> 00:07:43,392
Shouldn't have done that.
205
00:07:43,393 --> 00:07:45,928
B-side's got
some banging sousa deep cuts.
206
00:07:45,929 --> 00:07:48,263
Thank God we're here.
Look, there's a box up there.
207
00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:53,802
Oh, yeah, that is some sweet
green curves right there.
208
00:07:53,803 --> 00:07:55,637
We should talk
to the falafel guy,
209
00:07:55,638 --> 00:07:57,106
see if he's seen
anything suspicious.
210
00:07:57,107 --> 00:07:59,374
Uh, you should probably
let me take lead on this.
211
00:07:59,375 --> 00:08:00,843
A lot of people don't like cops,
212
00:08:00,844 --> 00:08:02,544
but everybody loves
postal workers.
213
00:08:02,545 --> 00:08:03,712
They do?
214
00:08:03,713 --> 00:08:05,447
That's why the phrase
most associated
215
00:08:05,448 --> 00:08:07,082
with bringing goodness
into people's lives
216
00:08:07,083 --> 00:08:08,350
is "going postal."
217
00:08:08,351 --> 00:08:09,351
You're kidding, right?
218
00:08:09,352 --> 00:08:10,552
"Going postal" means that...
219
00:08:10,587 --> 00:08:12,087
I know what it means!
220
00:08:12,088 --> 00:08:14,089
I just said what it means.
That's what it means.
221
00:08:15,725 --> 00:08:16,892
Okay.
222
00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:19,128
Well, howzabout we avoid
human contact altogether
223
00:08:19,129 --> 00:08:22,077
and check out the box?
224
00:08:31,841 --> 00:08:32,908
What's the point of that thing?
225
00:08:32,909 --> 00:08:34,510
Tradition and security.
226
00:08:34,511 --> 00:08:37,179
Plus, I'd be lying if I said
it didn't look insanely cool.
227
00:08:37,180 --> 00:08:39,548
I wouldn't.
228
00:08:40,750 --> 00:08:42,718
Jackpot.
It's giggle pig.
229
00:08:42,719 --> 00:08:43,852
Yes!
230
00:08:43,853 --> 00:08:46,922
You have served your country
proud, little lady.
231
00:08:49,759 --> 00:08:51,727
Stop!
232
00:08:51,761 --> 00:08:52,928
Whoa!
233
00:08:52,929 --> 00:08:54,463
Ow, ow, ow, help me up!
234
00:08:54,464 --> 00:08:56,432
Peralta, help!
Help me up.
235
00:08:56,433 --> 00:08:57,599
Don't ditch me!
236
00:08:57,600 --> 00:09:01,103
He's gone.
237
00:09:01,104 --> 00:09:02,104
You okay?
238
00:09:02,105 --> 00:09:04,640
No, I'm rattled.
239
00:09:07,043 --> 00:09:08,077
Hey.
Hmm?
240
00:09:08,078 --> 00:09:09,278
Where you going, Amy?
241
00:09:09,279 --> 00:09:11,447
Oh, I was just going
outside to...
242
00:09:11,448 --> 00:09:14,283
See this pigeon
I've been training.
243
00:09:14,284 --> 00:09:15,384
It does the can-can.
244
00:09:15,385 --> 00:09:18,620
That I gotta see!
245
00:09:18,621 --> 00:09:20,789
Damn it.
I made my lie too enticing.
246
00:09:20,790 --> 00:09:22,458
Fine, I was going out to smoke.
247
00:09:22,459 --> 00:09:25,961
Your lame system-reboot thing
didn't work.
248
00:09:25,962 --> 00:09:27,362
You know, I don't like
to talk about this,
249
00:09:27,363 --> 00:09:30,299
but many years ago,
I myself overcame an addiction.
250
00:09:30,300 --> 00:09:33,769
I could not get enough
of the ponies.
251
00:09:33,770 --> 00:09:36,238
Go, razzmataz.
252
00:09:36,239 --> 00:09:40,309
Go, razzmataz.
Go, razzmataz.
253
00:09:40,310 --> 00:09:42,845
It's bugle boy,
winning by a head.
254
00:09:42,846 --> 00:09:44,113
I lost everything.
255
00:09:44,114 --> 00:09:47,049
What worked for me
was replacing my bad addiction
256
00:09:47,050 --> 00:09:48,984
with a good addiction...
257
00:09:48,985 --> 00:09:50,786
Exercise.
258
00:09:50,787 --> 00:09:52,421
Grab your sneakers, Santiago.
259
00:09:52,422 --> 00:09:54,456
You're going me
on a lunchtime jog.
260
00:09:54,457 --> 00:09:56,592
Great!
We can talk a little,
261
00:09:56,593 --> 00:09:59,395
chat about the job,
do some mentor-mentee bonding.
262
00:09:59,396 --> 00:10:01,597
We will exercise in silence.
263
00:10:01,598 --> 00:10:02,998
No headphones either.
264
00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:05,701
Music is a crutch.
265
00:10:06,970 --> 00:10:08,170
I'm sorry, let me get
this straight.
266
00:10:08,171 --> 00:10:11,540
You had a giggle pig supplier
20 yards from you,
267
00:10:11,541 --> 00:10:13,008
and he got away?
268
00:10:13,009 --> 00:10:14,109
What happened?
269
00:10:14,110 --> 00:10:15,778
Your man here failed to follow
270
00:10:15,779 --> 00:10:18,814
proper law-enforcement procedure
is what happened.
271
00:10:18,815 --> 00:10:19,848
What?
272
00:10:19,849 --> 00:10:22,351
Always check
for ground-level obstructions
273
00:10:22,352 --> 00:10:24,153
before initiating
a foot pursuit.
274
00:10:24,154 --> 00:10:25,721
The ground-level obstruction
275
00:10:25,722 --> 00:10:27,423
was your hand clutching my leg.
276
00:10:27,424 --> 00:10:29,324
I have claw marks
all over my calf.
277
00:10:29,325 --> 00:10:32,127
I'm sorry, Rosa, can I talk
to you in private for a second?
278
00:10:32,128 --> 00:10:33,462
Yeah.
We'll be right back.
279
00:10:33,463 --> 00:10:35,731
Boyle, why don't you show donger
what a fax machine is?
280
00:10:35,732 --> 00:10:37,599
Okay.
281
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,904
Okay, imagine a letter had
unprotected sex with a phone.
282
00:10:41,905 --> 00:10:43,906
Look, it's not just
that donger's annoying.
283
00:10:43,907 --> 00:10:45,707
He ruined the whole operation.
284
00:10:45,708 --> 00:10:48,177
The perp got away because
he's the world's biggest tool.
285
00:10:48,178 --> 00:10:50,612
No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.
286
00:10:50,613 --> 00:10:51,914
I'm the world's biggest tool.
287
00:10:51,915 --> 00:10:53,019
God! Do you see
what he's doing to me?
288
00:10:53,049 --> 00:10:55,217
Look, these dealers
didn't just randomly start
289
00:10:55,218 --> 00:10:56,218
using mailbox keys.
290
00:10:56,219 --> 00:10:57,753
There's clearly
a postal connection.
291
00:10:57,754 --> 00:10:59,822
Sorry, dude,
you gotta keep working with him.
292
00:10:59,823 --> 00:11:01,090
Okay, wait, wait.
293
00:11:01,091 --> 00:11:02,424
Let's just put this
in perspective for a second.
294
00:11:02,425 --> 00:11:04,493
Is this whole war on drugs
really worth
295
00:11:04,494 --> 00:11:06,128
the human cost of me
spending another minute
296
00:11:06,129 --> 00:11:07,262
with this behonkus?
297
00:11:07,263 --> 00:11:09,064
I don't know what
"behonkus" means, but yes.
298
00:11:09,065 --> 00:11:10,232
"Behonkus" means butt,
299
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:12,134
and I think you could have
guessed that from context.
300
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:16,071
Seriously, Jake, I'm asking you
to see this through.
301
00:11:16,072 --> 00:11:17,573
All right, fine.
302
00:11:17,574 --> 00:11:20,409
I will do it for you as a favor
because you're my friend.
303
00:11:20,410 --> 00:11:21,844
But if he tells me one more time
304
00:11:21,845 --> 00:11:24,546
about how USPIS "mailed down"
the Berlin wall,
305
00:11:24,547 --> 00:11:25,981
I'm gonna give him
your home address,
306
00:11:25,982 --> 00:11:27,983
and you will receive
holiday cards from him forever.
307
00:11:27,984 --> 00:11:29,918
My own relatives
don't have that address.
308
00:11:29,919 --> 00:11:33,522
Oh, I know.
I know.
309
00:11:36,126 --> 00:11:39,261
And completion.
310
00:11:41,598 --> 00:11:42,631
So how do you feel?
311
00:11:42,632 --> 00:11:45,434
Really good.
No nicotine cravings at all.
312
00:11:45,435 --> 00:11:47,669
The magic of endorphins.
313
00:11:47,670 --> 00:11:49,805
I'm in a state
of total euphoria.
314
00:11:49,806 --> 00:11:50,973
Clearly.
315
00:11:50,974 --> 00:11:52,274
Listen, I gotta jump
in there, so...
316
00:11:56,312 --> 00:11:57,312
Hello, Kevin.
317
00:11:57,313 --> 00:11:59,982
No, I haven't seen it.
318
00:11:59,983 --> 00:12:00,983
I very much doubt that.
319
00:12:00,984 --> 00:12:04,386
Why would the housekeeper
steal your belt?
320
00:12:04,387 --> 00:12:06,622
What husband?
She's a widow.
321
00:12:06,623 --> 00:12:11,493
I... uh-oh, I have to go.
322
00:12:11,494 --> 00:12:12,961
Santiago, are you smoking
in there?
323
00:12:12,962 --> 00:12:14,263
No.
324
00:12:14,264 --> 00:12:15,531
Why do I see smoke?
325
00:12:15,532 --> 00:12:18,500
That's steam.
I'm in the shower.
326
00:12:18,501 --> 00:12:20,736
So what are
a bunch of drug dealers
327
00:12:20,737 --> 00:12:22,671
doing with old postal keys?
328
00:12:22,672 --> 00:12:24,440
Maybe you guys forgot
to collect them all.
329
00:12:24,441 --> 00:12:26,375
Mm, barking up
the wrong tree, McGruff.
330
00:12:26,376 --> 00:12:28,110
Postal service
doesn't make mistakes.
331
00:12:28,111 --> 00:12:30,446
You lose millions of letters every year.
Really?
332
00:12:30,447 --> 00:12:33,148
Then explain to me why none
of these missing letters
333
00:12:33,149 --> 00:12:35,350
have ever been found.
334
00:12:35,351 --> 00:12:39,154
Okay, if it wasn't a mistake,
maybe it was an inside job.
335
00:12:39,155 --> 00:12:41,123
Who collected the keys?
336
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,294
There are
five people responsible
337
00:12:45,295 --> 00:12:46,428
for key collection in the city.
338
00:12:46,429 --> 00:12:48,630
Boom!
That's our list of suspects.
339
00:12:48,631 --> 00:12:51,867
We shall call them
"the fellowship of the key."
340
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:53,302
I honestly think you are
the greatest man who ever lived.
341
00:12:53,303 --> 00:12:54,470
Oh.
342
00:12:54,471 --> 00:12:56,672
That's a no-go.
343
00:12:56,673 --> 00:12:57,940
Tracking these people down
is a waste of time.
344
00:12:57,941 --> 00:13:00,008
I say we keep surveilling
the mailboxes.
345
00:13:00,009 --> 00:13:03,245
Look, I have worked a ton
of these drug cases, all right?
346
00:13:03,246 --> 00:13:05,514
Once they know we're onto them,
they burn the whole system.
347
00:13:05,515 --> 00:13:07,716
Trust me,
they're done with the boxes.
348
00:13:07,717 --> 00:13:11,053
Trust me.
I'm a federal agent.
349
00:13:11,054 --> 00:13:12,888
You're not FBI.
You're not ATF.
350
00:13:12,889 --> 00:13:14,390
You work for the post office.
351
00:13:14,391 --> 00:13:17,292
Your motto is
"surprisingly, we exist."
352
00:13:17,293 --> 00:13:18,494
Incorrect.
353
00:13:18,495 --> 00:13:21,630
Our motto is
"nos custodimus quod lingus."
354
00:13:21,631 --> 00:13:23,298
"We guard what you lick."
355
00:13:23,299 --> 00:13:24,400
That's worse!
356
00:13:24,401 --> 00:13:25,534
No, forget it.
357
00:13:25,535 --> 00:13:27,536
I'm not giving you
the list of names.
358
00:13:27,537 --> 00:13:29,505
We're gonna keep surveilling
those mailboxes,
359
00:13:29,506 --> 00:13:31,407
and if nothing turns up
after a couple of days,
360
00:13:31,408 --> 00:13:33,709
then we'll go
on your wild goose chase.
361
00:13:33,710 --> 00:13:36,311
Hey, if you're hungry,
Maury went postal
362
00:13:36,312 --> 00:13:37,746
and brought in muffins
for everyone.
363
00:13:37,747 --> 00:13:39,181
Sweet.
364
00:13:39,182 --> 00:13:40,616
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go
365
00:13:40,617 --> 00:13:43,318
grab a muff with some bluebs,
and when I get back,
366
00:13:43,319 --> 00:13:45,521
we will discuss strategy
for the stakeouts.
367
00:13:49,059 --> 00:13:51,026
All right, guard the door.
368
00:13:51,027 --> 00:13:53,295
I'm gonna print out
this list of suspects,
369
00:13:53,296 --> 00:13:54,930
and then we are ditching donger.
370
00:13:54,931 --> 00:13:56,198
It's kind of risky, Jake.
371
00:13:56,199 --> 00:13:58,233
If this ends up being
a dead end, Rosa's gonna be mad.
372
00:13:58,268 --> 00:14:00,703
You know, robo-partner would
not question this for a moment.
373
00:14:00,704 --> 00:14:04,106
Fine, I'll be lookout.
374
00:14:04,107 --> 00:14:05,841
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
What? Is he coming?
375
00:14:05,842 --> 00:14:07,443
No, but there's
more than muffins.
376
00:14:07,444 --> 00:14:08,677
There's banana bread too!
377
00:14:08,678 --> 00:14:09,912
What?
378
00:14:09,913 --> 00:14:11,714
This printer is so slow!
379
00:14:11,715 --> 00:14:13,282
Come on.
380
00:14:13,283 --> 00:14:15,084
Ugh, this place is the worst!
381
00:14:17,651 --> 00:14:18,651
All right, two down,
three to go.
382
00:14:18,652 --> 00:14:19,786
Next on the list, Kent Delroy.
383
00:14:19,787 --> 00:14:21,721
Worked at the post office
for 12 years.
384
00:14:21,722 --> 00:14:24,357
Quit two years ago.
385
00:14:26,226 --> 00:14:28,194
That's the guy
from this morning.
386
00:14:28,195 --> 00:14:29,829
NYPD, open up!
387
00:14:29,830 --> 00:14:30,797
All right, I'm gonna
break down the door.
388
00:14:30,831 --> 00:14:32,165
No, let me do it.
389
00:14:32,166 --> 00:14:33,900
Charles, that's never gone well.
390
00:14:33,901 --> 00:14:35,234
Yes, but I've been practicing.
391
00:14:35,235 --> 00:14:36,402
All right, fine.
You get one try.
392
00:14:36,403 --> 00:14:39,138
Thank you.
393
00:14:39,139 --> 00:14:40,707
Police!
Hands in the air!
394
00:14:40,708 --> 00:14:42,975
I did it!
Yes!
395
00:14:42,976 --> 00:14:44,477
Boyle, that's the bad guy.
396
00:14:44,478 --> 00:14:46,412
Yup, yup.
Turn around.
397
00:14:47,948 --> 00:14:49,148
This way, Santiago.
398
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,249
What's going on?
399
00:14:50,250 --> 00:14:51,818
Is this a dream?
400
00:14:51,819 --> 00:14:53,386
No, I'm not holding
a label maker.
401
00:14:53,387 --> 00:14:56,222
Silence before the shaman.
402
00:14:56,223 --> 00:14:59,592
Amy, I'm taking charge of your
journey away from addiction.
403
00:14:59,626 --> 00:15:02,261
Gina is leading you
on a guided mediation.
404
00:15:02,262 --> 00:15:04,430
Terry and I agreed
to participate
405
00:15:04,431 --> 00:15:06,065
as a show of support.
406
00:15:06,066 --> 00:15:08,868
Okay.
407
00:15:08,869 --> 00:15:10,303
And, Amy, you don't know this
408
00:15:10,304 --> 00:15:12,939
'cause I don't necessarily
enjoy talking to you,
409
00:15:12,940 --> 00:15:17,076
but in my early 20s,
I too battled an addiction.
410
00:15:17,077 --> 00:15:19,145
I was a compulsive shopper.
411
00:15:19,146 --> 00:15:22,148
Anyway, meditation helped
me past that addiction.
412
00:15:22,149 --> 00:15:24,150
And it's gonna do
the same for you.
413
00:15:24,151 --> 00:15:26,719
Close your eyes and repeat:
414
00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:29,188
I am in a vast hallway.
415
00:15:29,223 --> 00:15:31,891
I am in a vast hallway.
416
00:15:31,925 --> 00:15:35,962
I walk into the light
of self-actualization.
417
00:15:35,963 --> 00:15:40,066
I walk into the light
of self-actualization.
418
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:42,902
For I am a powerful woman.
419
00:15:42,903 --> 00:15:45,872
For I am a powerful woman.
420
00:15:45,873 --> 00:15:48,408
I'm not hearing everyone.
421
00:15:48,409 --> 00:15:51,344
For I am a powerful woman.
422
00:15:51,345 --> 00:15:55,415
You feel the cool breeze
of enlightenment
423
00:15:55,416 --> 00:15:58,685
gently caressing your face.
424
00:15:58,686 --> 00:15:59,919
I feel it!
425
00:15:59,920 --> 00:16:00,987
I feel the breeze.
426
00:16:00,988 --> 00:16:02,155
Amy!
427
00:16:02,189 --> 00:16:04,323
What? I'm not
the one with my eyes open.
428
00:16:04,324 --> 00:16:05,324
Cheater!
429
00:16:05,325 --> 00:16:06,249
Captain Holt is cheating.
430
00:16:06,260 --> 00:16:08,127
Santiago, we're trying
to help you.
431
00:16:08,128 --> 00:16:09,562
I can't do it.
432
00:16:09,563 --> 00:16:10,753
I quit quitting.
433
00:16:11,699 --> 00:16:12,832
Hey, hey, people.
434
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,467
Task force, officially
on the scoreboard
435
00:16:14,468 --> 00:16:17,103
with our first major
giggle pig dealer busted.
436
00:16:19,406 --> 00:16:20,340
Treat him well.
437
00:16:20,341 --> 00:16:21,908
This guy is sort
of the Mitch Globmun
438
00:16:21,909 --> 00:16:23,609
of getting put in jail for this.
439
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:26,446
Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.
440
00:16:26,447 --> 00:16:28,145
Rosa, great news, my friend!
441
00:16:28,148 --> 00:16:29,382
What the hell?
442
00:16:29,383 --> 00:16:30,817
Donger just called
and said you abandoned him,
443
00:16:30,818 --> 00:16:33,252
took information
from a classified computer,
444
00:16:33,253 --> 00:16:35,455
and licked a roll
of antique stamps.
445
00:16:35,456 --> 00:16:36,422
The stamps were on me.
446
00:16:36,423 --> 00:16:38,991
I was curious
about how old glue tasted.
447
00:16:38,992 --> 00:16:41,461
Like a horse lollipop.
448
00:16:41,462 --> 00:16:42,995
Mm.
449
00:16:42,996 --> 00:16:44,764
Look, it's not a big deal.
450
00:16:44,765 --> 00:16:46,899
Donger wanted us to waste
a week staring at mailboxes.
451
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:49,435
If I'd listened to him, I never
would have caught Delroy.
452
00:16:49,436 --> 00:16:50,543
Or found his books,
which tell us
453
00:16:50,571 --> 00:16:53,740
there's a huge giggle pig
shipment coming in tonight.
454
00:16:53,741 --> 00:16:55,975
I told you to work with USPIS.
455
00:16:55,976 --> 00:16:56,976
Okay, I know I didn't do it
456
00:16:56,977 --> 00:16:58,578
exactly the way
you asked me to...
457
00:16:58,579 --> 00:17:01,681
The way I ordered you to
as leader of the task force.
458
00:17:01,682 --> 00:17:02,749
Do you think just because
we're friends
459
00:17:02,750 --> 00:17:04,150
you can do whatever you want?
460
00:17:04,151 --> 00:17:05,852
Donger's furious.
He's on his way over here now
461
00:17:05,853 --> 00:17:06,853
because they're
taking over the case.
462
00:17:06,854 --> 00:17:08,454
What!
He can't do that.
463
00:17:08,489 --> 00:17:09,489
Yeah, he can.
464
00:17:09,490 --> 00:17:10,890
They're a federal agency.
465
00:17:10,891 --> 00:17:12,258
From now on,
any bust that comes from this,
466
00:17:12,259 --> 00:17:14,761
including Delroy, goes to USPIS.
467
00:17:14,762 --> 00:17:16,963
My task force gets nothing.
So thanks, friend.
468
00:17:19,404 --> 00:17:22,669
This table tastes like
Scully's elbow blisters.
469
00:17:22,670 --> 00:17:24,804
It's horrible and I deserve it.
470
00:17:24,805 --> 00:17:27,040
I hate seeing you like this.
471
00:17:27,041 --> 00:17:28,941
Rosa has every right
to be pissed at me.
472
00:17:28,976 --> 00:17:32,712
I didn't follow her orders
and I messed up the task force.
473
00:17:32,713 --> 00:17:33,913
The only way
to make things right
474
00:17:33,914 --> 00:17:36,516
is to do the worst,
most awful thing imaginable.
475
00:17:36,517 --> 00:17:38,217
Dip your penis in vinegar.
476
00:17:38,218 --> 00:17:39,285
What?
No!
477
00:17:39,286 --> 00:17:40,553
Why would you say that?
478
00:17:40,554 --> 00:17:41,654
In sunday school, they told us
479
00:17:41,655 --> 00:17:44,090
the babylonians did that
to their enemies.
480
00:17:44,091 --> 00:17:45,792
I've been terrified ever since.
481
00:17:45,793 --> 00:17:50,930
Okay, well, what I have to do
is far, far worse.
482
00:17:50,964 --> 00:17:53,199
I'm sorry I was a jerk.
483
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:56,302
I'm sorry I said
the postman was a flop.
484
00:17:56,303 --> 00:17:59,005
I'm sorry I said
"forever" stamps are a lie
485
00:17:59,006 --> 00:18:00,640
because the earth
will eventually
486
00:18:00,641 --> 00:18:02,141
be swallowed by the sun.
487
00:18:02,142 --> 00:18:03,710
I know what you're trying to do
488
00:18:03,711 --> 00:18:06,145
and I'm not buying it
for a second.
489
00:18:06,146 --> 00:18:08,881
I don't think you're sorry and
I don't think you respect USPIS.
490
00:18:08,882 --> 00:18:11,951
Maybe at first,
but that was before I read,
491
00:18:11,952 --> 00:18:14,120
A history of the USPIS."
492
00:18:14,121 --> 00:18:15,711
Oh, great read!
493
00:18:15,723 --> 00:18:16,956
Yeah.
494
00:18:16,957 --> 00:18:18,157
But it actually just scratches
the surface.
495
00:18:18,158 --> 00:18:19,759
The real story begins
in the 16th century
496
00:18:19,760 --> 00:18:22,996
with la poste francaise.
497
00:18:22,997 --> 00:18:24,163
Do you wanna hear about it?
498
00:18:24,164 --> 00:18:26,966
Absolutely.
Please tell us that story.
499
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,468
And spare no detail.
500
00:18:28,469 --> 00:18:29,469
The vinegar dip.
501
00:18:31,518 --> 00:18:34,972
But this is when USPIS history
gets really good.
502
00:18:35,007 --> 00:18:36,474
They actually moved
the headquarters
503
00:18:36,475 --> 00:18:39,276
back to Boston
from Washington D.C.
504
00:18:39,278 --> 00:18:40,945
Let's jump ahead to 1820...
505
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:43,247
Wait, you're just gonna jump
a whole decade?
506
00:18:43,248 --> 00:18:44,448
I mean, I'm dying to know
507
00:18:44,449 --> 00:18:46,350
how the chief postal
inspector's sickly wife
508
00:18:46,351 --> 00:18:49,854
adjusted to the cold
new England winters.
509
00:18:49,855 --> 00:18:51,656
Okay, Peralta,
I accept your apology.
510
00:18:51,657 --> 00:18:52,924
You can have the case back.
511
00:18:52,925 --> 00:18:53,925
Oh, thank you.
512
00:18:53,926 --> 00:18:55,359
Truth is, I need some help.
513
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:57,094
Delroy won't tell us where
the shipment's going tonight
514
00:18:57,095 --> 00:18:59,463
and his notebooks
are all in code.
515
00:18:59,498 --> 00:19:01,632
Have a look.
516
00:19:01,633 --> 00:19:03,401
Have you checked out
this phone number?
517
00:19:03,402 --> 00:19:04,435
It doesn't exist.
518
00:19:04,436 --> 00:19:06,904
Ten digits,
what else could it be?
519
00:19:06,905 --> 00:19:08,339
Two zip codes back-to-back.
520
00:19:08,340 --> 00:19:09,640
But they're nowhere near here.
521
00:19:09,641 --> 00:19:13,511
27889, that's Washington,
north Carolina.
522
00:19:13,512 --> 00:19:18,082
80751, that's sterling,
Colorado.
523
00:19:18,083 --> 00:19:20,318
Sterling place
and Washington Avenue.
524
00:19:20,319 --> 00:19:23,721
Wait a minute, Mr. postman!
525
00:19:23,722 --> 00:19:25,923
That's where the giggle pig
delivery's gonna be?
526
00:19:25,924 --> 00:19:29,860
Yup.
We gotta go, right now.
527
00:19:29,861 --> 00:19:31,996
Could you please knock it off?
528
00:19:31,997 --> 00:19:37,335
It's like working inside
a beaver dam.
529
00:19:37,336 --> 00:19:39,837
Oh no, a next-to-desk-sit-down.
530
00:19:39,838 --> 00:19:41,272
Santiago,
you're putting yourself
531
00:19:41,273 --> 00:19:42,540
under too much pressure.
532
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:45,042
And that stress is making it
even harder for you to quit.
533
00:19:45,043 --> 00:19:46,477
Some things might come
easier to you
534
00:19:46,478 --> 00:19:48,646
if you stop being such
a perfectionist.
535
00:19:48,647 --> 00:19:53,184
A concept you should become
familiar with.
536
00:19:53,185 --> 00:19:54,352
"Familiar with?"
537
00:19:54,353 --> 00:19:55,319
Mm.
538
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:56,320
A dangling preposition?
539
00:19:56,321 --> 00:19:58,356
I'm setting an example.
540
00:19:58,357 --> 00:20:01,525
I made an error and I'm not
going to correct it.
541
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,428
I'm just gonna let it dangle...
542
00:20:04,429 --> 00:20:05,863
Dangle...
543
00:20:05,864 --> 00:20:09,834
Dangle.
544
00:20:09,835 --> 00:20:11,602
Thank you, Captain.
545
00:20:11,603 --> 00:20:13,070
Okay, get ready,
it's going down.
546
00:20:13,071 --> 00:20:14,739
Wait, before we go in there...
547
00:20:14,740 --> 00:20:15,907
Apology accepted.
548
00:20:15,908 --> 00:20:17,742
No, I actually want to do it.
549
00:20:17,743 --> 00:20:18,809
Ugh, so I have to suffer?
550
00:20:18,844 --> 00:20:20,478
I'll make it quick.
551
00:20:20,479 --> 00:20:21,579
I didn't follow your orders,
552
00:20:21,580 --> 00:20:22,680
I took advantage
of our friendship,
553
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:24,882
I'm a jerk, I'm sorry.
554
00:20:24,883 --> 00:20:26,250
So that's what eternity
feels like.
555
00:20:26,285 --> 00:20:28,319
I could not have made
that any shorter.
556
00:20:28,320 --> 00:20:30,521
All right, what's the plan?
This dong is ready to ding.
557
00:20:30,522 --> 00:20:31,689
What?
558
00:20:31,690 --> 00:20:33,157
Tac team one will take
the north entrance.
559
00:20:33,158 --> 00:20:34,592
Tac team two will take
the east door.
560
00:20:34,593 --> 00:20:36,127
Jake, you stay out here
and man the radio.
561
00:20:36,128 --> 00:20:38,462
Oh, sure, whatever you need.
On it.
562
00:20:38,463 --> 00:20:40,598
No, I'm just kidding,
you're coming in with us.
563
00:20:40,599 --> 00:20:41,524
Jerk.
564
00:20:41,533 --> 00:20:43,167
Ready?
On my count.
565
00:20:43,168 --> 00:20:47,371
Three, two, one.
566
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:48,506
Freeze, police!
567
00:20:48,507 --> 00:20:50,908
Also USPIS.
And USPIS.
568
00:20:50,909 --> 00:20:52,610
Down, down, down!
569
00:20:52,611 --> 00:20:54,078
Go out the back door!
570
00:20:54,079 --> 00:20:55,680
Down, down, get down!
571
00:20:55,714 --> 00:20:57,248
Unh!
572
00:20:57,249 --> 00:20:59,317
Hands on your head!
573
00:21:03,322 --> 00:21:05,790
Unh.
What happened?
574
00:21:05,791 --> 00:21:06,891
You hit your head
on the doorway coming in.
575
00:21:06,892 --> 00:21:08,025
Got knocked out cold.
576
00:21:08,026 --> 00:21:09,160
Do I have a bruise?
577
00:21:09,161 --> 00:21:10,394
A little one.
578
00:21:10,395 --> 00:21:12,964
Yes! I'm going on the wall
of heroes.
579
00:21:12,965 --> 00:21:14,232
Did we catch all the bad guys?
580
00:21:14,233 --> 00:21:15,566
Yup, we got 'em.
581
00:21:15,567 --> 00:21:17,802
All right,
another win for USPIS.
582
00:21:17,803 --> 00:21:19,337
You're lying in rat turds.
583
00:21:19,338 --> 00:21:20,404
It's all part of the job,
little brother.
584
00:21:20,405 --> 00:21:22,373
It's all part of the job.
585
00:21:22,374 --> 00:21:24,508
Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/