- Oh hello.
Guys, guys, guys, check it out.
Hitchcock fell asleep in the break room,
so I put his hand in a bowl of warm water.
- Come on, man. That's the stupidest prank ever.
- Uh, no, it's the smartest because it involves biology.
I bet it worked already. Let's go check.
Hitchcock, no! - He's drowning, he's drowning!
- Save him, man!
- I take it back, Jake. Great prank.
- Is everyone packed for the 28th annual
Tri-State Police Officers Convention?
I hear Bill Powell's giving a lecture on advances
in appellate court e-filing techniques.
Phew, talk about "can't miss."
- Yeah, we don't really go for the talks.
We're more interested in the extracurriculars.
Fart-five.
- Of course, Rochester has much to offer in that sphere.
For instance, it's famed thermometer museum.
- Thermometer museum? Uh, no thanky.
Here's what a-we are all about.
One, free hotel rooms.
- I get to sleep in a bed by myself.
No wife, no kids,
just Terry starfishing on a Cal King.
- Two, a huge hall full of cool police tech.
- Last year, I got to try out a heat ray.
- Three, the Buffalo P.D. always throws an insane party.
Last year, Amy got so drunk,
she jumped a police horse into the pool.
- Eight-drink Amy is an equestrian,
and she's real bad at it.
- This isn't an excuse for you to party.
This is a police convention, not the Newport Folk Festival.
- Come on, sir. It's been a hard year.
I mean, frankly, we could all use a party
to blow off some steam.
First we were on the night shift,
en the precinct almost got shut down.
- I got hit by a bus. on the night shift,
- Well, we have been through a lot,
but, frankly, our reputation has taken a hit.
That's why I'm running for a seat
on the convention's board of directors.
If I win, it will look good for the precinct.
So please don't do anything to jeopardize that.
Understood?
Dismissed.
- That's a big ole bummer.
- All right, everybody, just relax.
We're still gonna have a great time.
If there's one thing I know, it's how to sneak out to a party
without your parents nding out.
I used to do it all the time.
Well, I did it a few times.
Once, to go to a Magic: the Gathering tournament.
I got stuck in the window like Winnie-the-Pooh.
There, okay? Now you know everything.
My mom had to pull me back in by my ponytail.
All right, let's party!
- What is taking so long with those keys?
I gotta hit that pillow top. It's starfish o'clock.
- Guys, guys, they're here. Hey, hey, what's up B.P.D.,
aka Buffalo Party Department.
That is gold.
You guys coming tonight, right?
- Obviously, it's the only reason any of us are cops.
- All right, detectives, here are your room assignments.
Uh... wait a minute. What's going on here?
You guys planning a party? - What?
No, we're just debating
our favorite parts of the conference.
He likes his Q&A's moderated.
I like mine unmoderated.
- Why is that? - I just... I'm just...
sick of the moderator bias.
- I couldn't agree more. Your story checks out.
See you at the party.
Let's check out some tech.
Ooh, look.
This is a long-range heart beat detector.
You can hear a human pulse through walls.
- Oh, I am so sorry. - Oh, whoa.
- Excuse me.
- Oh, my God, it's like a She-Scully.
- I'm, hi. Uh, Norm.
Uh, who are you? - Shatz.
Uh, Cindy Shatz.
- Scully, shake her hand. - Oh, uh, here I go.
Meet to please you, Shatz. - Your hands are so clammy.
- I ate a bunch of clams earlier and they still smell.
- No, that's not what she meant. - No, it was.
Anyway, it was so nice to meet you.
- Why?
- Okay, uh, I'll see you around.
- Guys, I was just talking to that amazing woman
and I blacked out. Did I get her number?
- No, you chunked it. - Ugh, of course I did.
I'm not Hitchcock when it comes to the ladies.
- You don't wanna be. - Oh, he's fearless.
I once saw him ask out a breastfeeding mother.
- Ooh, look.
It's a robot that can patrol an empty building all by itself.
Oh, no, this is how it starts.
It's Skynet all over again. Here, let's wait here a second
and see if our future selves show up
and tell us to destroy it.
Nope. Looks like we're in the clear.
It's kind of cute. - Hey, check it out.
It's called The Wasp.
It's for dispersing crowds of young people.
It emits a sound that you can only hear if you're 35 or under.
Ah, I also hate the sound
that I definitely hear. - Me too.
It's so high-pitched or low-pitched.
Oh, that was bogus to the extreme.
- So bogus and not tubular.
My ears are ringing from the pain of being young.
- Ugh, so not gnarly.
- Captain, you missed the tech expo.
We got all this swag.
Six tote bags. Terry can tote anything.
Look, point at something, I'll tote it.
- Oh, no.
Hold still.
I'm gonna hide behind you like you're a tree.
- Uh, why are you doing that?
- On the other side of your trunk,
is the worst person I've ever met.
Captain Jeffrey Bouché, the living embodiment of evil.
- Raymond Holt? As I live and breathe.
You have not aged a day.
So how's Kevin? How's Cheddar?
Come on. Tell me everything.
- Kevin is fine. Cheddar is a dog.
He has no concept of good or bad.
- I wouldn't be so sure about that.
He's a very clever dog.
Hey, I wanted to tell you that I am also running
for the board of directors. - You are what?
- Yeah, I had no idea that you were running,
but, listen, it doesn't matter 'cause you're gonna win anyway.
I mean, you're Ray Holt.
But look, I gotta go. I will see you soon.
I hope not.
- You're being a little harsh on him, Captain.
- I've been up for promotions against that man
on six occasions,
and he's prevailed every single time.
Why? Because he's a snake.
- Isn't it possible he gets promotions
because he's nice and people like him?
- Please, I hate to say this about anyone,
let alone a fellow officer,
but that man is full of balone-nya.
- "Baloney." - You're right.
He's so vile, we should use
the crude Americanization of the word.
He's full of baloney.
- Holt went to bed early
'cause his big speech is in the morning.
- Well, how do you know he's in for the night?
- Because his breakfast order is hanging on the doorknob.
Water, comma, hot.
Muffin, comma, English.
And that means it's time for us to hard, comma, party.
Hey, what happened? - Sorry, bro, they busted us.
- 'Cause the party got too crazy?
- Yeah, totally. - They've been taking bribes.
- No, it was because of the party.
That's what you should tell everyone.
- Oh, no.
The party's not happening.
That means we're just
in a hotel in Rochester. This is a nightmare.
- I learned a bunch of new dance moves for tonight.
Ones where you move your butt. - Ugh, screw this.
I'm gonna get a ride back to Brooklyn with some drifter.
- No, we came here to blow off steam
and we're not gonna give up yet 'cause we're the Nine-Nine.
We're gonna take matters into our own hands Nine-Nine style.
That's right, my friends.
The Nine-Nine is throwing a big...
can I borrow $200 for alcohol? - Mm-hmm.
And they agreed to hook us up for the party.
Check it out. Disco lights, sound system, and...
beer cooler.
Leak-free, insolated body bag.
Our beer is dying to get inside.
- I don't know, man.
Holt didn't want us going to a party,
he certainly doesn't want us throwing one.
- Oh, poor, simple Terry.
For such a bemuscled specimen,
you certainly do frighten easily.
I promise you, Holt won't find out.
His room is all the way across the hotel from ours.
He insisted so he'd have a view of the Rochester skyline.
- Ah, drink it in, Peralta.
The Mustard City.
- Besides, if he does leave his room,
my new partner will warn me.
New partner?
- Hello. - It's a robot!
I can program it to wait outside Holt's door,
and if there's any movement, it'll send us an alert.
- All right, I'm in,
but only because your robot is so cool.
- I don't know. It's not that cool.
I mean, all he's doing is standing guard.
I mean, I could do that. - Awesome, if you do that,
then K-13 can come to the party.
I am programmed to boogie my butt.
- No, I'm going to the party.
People prefer me over a robot.
Right?
- Hey, going pretty good, right? - Hell, yes.
It's like a Bonnie Raitt concert in here.
- No. - Hey.
We're about to do the Taser challenge,
you guys want in? - What's the Taser challenge?
- We tase each other, then drink.
- How do you win? - What are you, a lawyer?
You want in or not? - Yeah, Terry.
What're you, a lawyer? It's Tasers.
Get tased at a party, man. Come on.
- She's here. She's here.
Cindy Shatz is here. What do I do?
My face is so wet and my mouth is so dry.
- Okay, calm down.
Remember, be direct.
Women don't like to play a lot of games.
- I think we gotta start simpler.
Okay, Scully, smile at her, don't fart.
- He knows not to... oh, you're writing that down.
- This is good stuff. What else you got?
- Don't talk about your foot fungus.
Don't talk about your eye fungus.
Let's just say "fungus" is off the table.
- Oh, no, see you just wrote the word "fungus" down
and I feel like we're barreling towards a misunderstanding.
- Draw a circle around it and then put a line through it.
There you go. - Believe in yourself.
Be confident. You're a sweet guy
with a big heart. - It's the size of a giraffe's.
Pushes on my other organs. - Okay, you got this.
Don't talk about the giraffe heart.
All right, get outta here!
- Hi, Cindy. - Hey.
- So guess what my eye and foot have in common?
- What?
- Uh... I can't say.
Well, bye.
Chug!
- Jake, this party is insane. Forget Bonnie Raitt,
it's like the video to "Love Shack" in here.
- This is the greatest.
Oh, God. It's my new partner.
- You guys are texting each other now?
- It sends alerts.
Holt left his room. He's on his way here.
- Well, we gotta get everyone out of the hallway.
All right, be quiet! Everybody, be quiet!
- They're not listening to you. Where's Amy?
She's great at shushing.
- Wait, all of these dum-dums are under 35.
Let's use The Wasp. - No.
It'll hurt my young, little ears so much.
- Ah, come on.
- Attention, our boss is headed this way.
Everyone has to clear the hallway right now.
- Shh!
Wow, she is great at shushing.
- I know, she's like a librarian.
- You mean, like a sexy librarian?
- No, a regular one.
- Everyone, you will go in the rooms
and you will go right now.
Don't make me count to three.
- Shh, shh, shh.
- Hey, Captain, what's up?
- Uh, which room is Sergeant Jeffords?
- Oh, Terry's in here with me and Amy.
You know, we're just having a low-key night
watching "House Hunters International."
This orthodontist really wants to live in Panama
with his strangely old wife and won't say why.
- Can I talk to him? - Uh, let me check.
- Shh, shh.
- Yeah, no, he's asleep. Can I help you with something?
- I'm concerned that my presentation isn't,
uh, "jazzy" enough to compete with Jeffrey's.
He's such a showman. - Yeah.
- I'm thinking about augmenting the graphs
with, um... color. - Sir.
- I know. I'm debasing myself.
Anyway, give this to Jeffords. He's the artist.
I'd like him to choose the, um... - Color? - Yes.
- All right. Oh, time to turn in.
Nighty, night.
Okay, he's gone.
Now just gotta wait for K-13 to give us the all clear.
- Yeah, I wouldn't hold your breath.
Dumb robot probably rolled into the stairwell.
That's why you shouldn't be best friends with this tin can.
- K-13 says we are G-2-G. Amy?
- The shush is lifted. Party time!
- Beer me!
- Yeah!
Mm, hey, Captain.
- Are you just waking up? It's 11:00 a.m.
No, no, I'm just tired
'cause, um, I worked out so much this morning.
- Ah. - You know, squat 400
on the bench push fitness and whatnot.
What's up? - I need my laptop.
I wanna practice my speech with the new colors beforehand
so I'm not alarmed when they pop up.
- Right, right. Um, I know that Terry
definitely did do that work,
so I'll just go grab 'em. - Okay.
- Uh, you wait here. You can't come in because...
Amy's naked
and she's embarrassed of her weird body.
Terry. Terry.
Why's my tongue so big?
- Because you're a big person.
Holt is here. He wants his presentation.
- The presentation! I didn't do it.
Okay, I just need to add color.
It'll only take two minutes.
Stall him. - Okay, no problem.
I'm definitely got two minutes worth of stall material.
Okay, Sarge will be right out.
In the mean time, why don't you and I just chat,
you know, for a couple minutes about... brumpst.
- Brumpst?
- Hold on.
I couldn't stall him, he's too good,
it's not my fault.
Where are you on the presentation?
- Jake, Holt's laptop isn't here.
It's gone.
In 90 minutes. - I'm definitely all done,
but I'm worried, if you're going up against Jeffrey,
will color be enough?
I was thinking, slide transitions.
- Oh, good grief.
Very well. You may add cross dissolves.
But so help me God, Jeffords, if I see even one star wipe...
- I just need a half an hour. - Perhaps I should supervise.
- No, you should clear your head.
Work out. Rosa was just headed to the gym.
She'll keep you there. Be right back.
Rosa, I need you to workout with Holt
for the next half hour. Cool?
Great.
I'll get your sneakers.
- This is invigorating, isn't it?
- I can't believe you lost the captain's laptop.
You were kind of out of control last night.
- I was not.
Although, pretty sure my ribs are broken,
and I think I'm wearing a pillowcase I cut holes in
as a shirt. - We have to think.
Does anyone remember having the laptop?
- Wait, we all left the room and went somewhere
and I didn't want to leave the computer behind
with so many strangers, so I took it!
- Yes, Charles, you're a genius.
All right, we gotta split up and search the hotel.
Wait a minute. Why is my shoe all wet?
The pool!
- Damn it. No sign of the laptop.
What were we doing here?
- Look, there's Jake's shirt. It looks burnt.
- Because I was on fire. Hence the pillow shirt.
It's all coming back to me.
I'm a human torch!
Nope, it was just that one memory.
This was a dead end.
- I remember why you were on fire.
The State Troopers brought fireworks.
- Yes. We're unraveling the mystery.
It's like we're detectives. - We are detectives.
- Right. Another thing we remembered.
This is going great.
- Oh, Raymond.
Of course you have beaten me to the gym.
You live life right. It's amazing.
- Workout your legs, Jeffrey. Not your mouth.
You are hilarious.
I am so psyched for your presentation to the board.
I'm sure it's gonna be amazing. - I'm gonna crush you
like a can of diet seltzer water.
- I don't doubt it. Well, I'm off to do some squats.
- Dumbass.
- Okay, so this is definitely where we set off the fireworks,
but still no laptop.
- How did I catch on fire?
- Oh, no, I just remembered something.
Terry feels bad.
What the hell was that?
Ah!
- Ah!
- Hence the chest pain,
but what was that loud crash?
- I think that might have been me.
See you in hell, partner.
- You killed her?
- Her? Oh, my God, it was a her.
You were replacing Amy, not me.
What have I done? - Wait, the robot has a camera.
Maybe she saw who took the laptop.
There's the laptop bag. - You think you're
so much better than me.
You're right. - I'm just gonna fast forward.
- Oh, hey, robot.
I got something really cool to show you on the balcony.
I think you're ally gonna like it.
Oh, you're heavy.
- Fast forward. - Did you guys see that?
He put the bag down behind the plant.
- Let's go.
Is it there? Is it there?
- It's here! - We did it!
We found the bag!
Oh, wait, hungover. No spinning.
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm good.
Oh, hey, hey!
- Oh, Scully.
You bummed about Cindy
or you just feel at home in a body bag?
- We use the same medicated powder.
I could smell it.
She's my soul mate, Amy. - So she doesn't like you.
It happens. I mean, not to me,
but not everyone has my combination
of elegance and charm and grace and poise,
and then just gif-ability. Some would say "jif,"
but then some would also say "syrup."
- Wait, what if we could give Scully our personalities?
He would love that.
- We could talk to him through an earpiece
and tell him what to say. - Okay,
but can we attach a string to it?
Last time I wore an earpiece, it fell in.
- How you doing, Scully? - Nervous.
I can feel my legs. That never happens.
Something's wrong. - Okay, just go up to her
and repeat what we say.
- I wasn't gonna... - Hi, there.
- Scully, hey.
Cindy, there's something I want to say to you.
- The moment I first saw you...
- You took my breath away.
Whenever I'm around you... - My heart beats faster.
I know you're going home today...
But I couldn't let you leave without asking you out.
- Cindy Shatz... - Cindy Shatz...
- Can I buy you a drink? - Can I buy you a drink?
- No, I'm sorry.
I'm not interested.
- What? - No.
- Guys, earpiece fell in.
- What on earth took you so long?
- Yeah, where the frigging hell were you?
- I was trying to get the colors right,
but in the end,
I decided to just go with your original black and white.
- It's probably even one color too many.
Anyways, in you go.
Looking good, Diaz.
- Bite me. - Okay.
- Uh, hello, I'm Captain Raymond Holt,
and if I have the pleasure of joining your board,
here are some of the things that I would do.
- See? It all worked out.
We threw a wild party with absolutely zero consequences.
Jake, something's wrong.
- Oh, um...
oh, I don't know how that got in there or what it is.
Um, I'll just, uh... next slide.
Well, that's strange. Next slide.
Next. Next.
Oh, I see what's happening here.
Uh, due to an issue with the Internet cloud,
you are seeing a series of pictures
that have nothing to do with me
or the 99th precinct.
- I don't get it. Who even took these pictures?
- I did.
You guys should really be a lot more careful
about leaving laptops lying around.
For next year.
- Consequences.
What is happening in this picture?
- Uh, that's me doing a Jean-Claude Van Damme split
between two beds.
I had to wear my underwear for flexibility.
- Mm-hmm, and, uh, Santiago?
- I believe that is me throwing up
into a pillow case. - Uh-oh.
- You have all embarrassed the precinct.
Now when people think of the Nine-Nine,
they'll think of, um...
oh, Detective Diaz filling an iron with tequila.
- So I could make tequila steam.
- I can quite believe I'm gonna say this,
t I'm sorry I even came to Rochester.
- Hey, it's all right, Scully.
We'll find a way to make it up to him.
- Ah, it's not about him, Jake.
I'm just sad because I'm an unlovable sack of fungus,
and I'm gonna be alone forever.
- Oh, um...
hey, there's probably someone out there for...
- We got this. - Oh, thank God.
- Wow, pint of milk on the rocks.
Real Scully move. - Can I help you?
- Hi, we're friends of Scully's,
and we're not sure why you rejected him?
- Now, we know Scully's not perfect,
his hands smell like clams, and, yeah,
over 75% of his body has died, and...
- Gina, you can stop listing things.
- Point is, he's a good guy.
You should give him a chance.
- I know, when I first meet him, I was intrigued,
but then Mr. Confident showed up,
I'm not interested in that.
Confident people are mean and selfish.
- Wait, you liked awkward Scully?
Giraffe-heart Scully?
- Oh, my God, he has a giraffe heart?
Aww, I bet it pushes on his organs.
We'll be back in five minutes. Wait right here.
Bartender, can you top off her milk?
- Hey. - Hey.
- You wanna hear a joke? - Okay.
- I don't know any jokes. I should go.
- Oh, that's okay. I don't know any jokes either.
- I slept in a body bag last night.
- Whoa. - They're so cute.
Oh, no, Scully, don't put your finger in her mouth.
Oh, she likes it.
- Captain, I'm sorry that things got out of hand,
but you can still be on the board.
I read 85 pages of the convention bylaws,
and... - That was unnecessary.
I don't wanna be on the board. - But I read bylaws.
- I wanna show you a picture from last night
that really upset me. - Okay,
but in my defense, Rosa bet me 50 cents
that I couldn't drink all that shampoo.
- That's not what I wanted to... you drank shampoo?
- What? No.
You're the one farting bubbles.
- This is what I wanted to show you.
Do you know what disappoints me most
about this about this picture? That I'm not in it.
I can't remember the last time
I saw the Nine-Nine so happy,
and I wasn't there. - 'Cause you were working
on your presentation to get us a win.
- Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win.
I wish I had been in that photo. - I know,
and I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend.
But it's not over, and we are still in Rochester.
- What are you saying?
- I think you know what I'm saying.
- What a thermometer.
Look at the mercury reservoir on that mamacita.
Oh, Peralta, this is amazing. I'm floating on air.
- Hey, everybody, get in for a picture.
Excuse me, sir. Can you take a picture of us?
- Yeah, sure. - Thanks.
- Everybody say Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit.
- Not a doctor. Shh.