1 00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:05,304 Hey, Gina! We got an anonymous gift basket. 2 00:00:05,306 --> 00:00:06,505 Yeah, it's full of treats. 3 00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:07,706 It's got meats, cheeses, candies, 4 00:00:07,708 --> 00:00:09,108 all the food groups. 5 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,309 The cheese is amazing. 6 00:00:10,311 --> 00:00:12,611 It melts in my mouth and in my hands. 7 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:15,647 Hmm, French chocolates, French cheeses, 8 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,182 tiny French pickles. 9 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:19,551 Did none of you detectives think this might be a gift 10 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:23,155 for Captain Holt from someone in France? 11 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,357 Like his husband, par exemple? 12 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,093 What? No way. 13 00:00:28,095 --> 00:00:31,497 This is a nice present from an unknown, appreciative citizen 14 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,664 that wanted us to munch. 15 00:00:32,666 --> 00:00:34,767 Hmm, what's this, then? 16 00:00:34,769 --> 00:00:37,369 "Dear Captain Raymond Holt, thinking of you. 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:40,806 Best, Dr. Kevin Cozner, Ph. D." 18 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:43,108 He even used their pet names. 19 00:00:43,110 --> 00:00:45,611 Oh, no, I ate the chocolate-covered strawberry. 20 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,379 That's the most intimate snack of them all. 21 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,114 Holt's gonna be back from his meeting in 30 minutes. 22 00:00:49,116 --> 00:00:50,416 What do we do? Eat the note! 23 00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:53,052 No! No. 24 00:00:53,054 --> 00:00:55,421 It's okay. We can fix this. 25 00:00:57,224 --> 00:00:58,724 Check it out, sir. 26 00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:03,095 A lovely gift basket that Kevin sent you all the way from Paris. 27 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,663 Straight from Paris! 28 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:12,638 Stapler, scissors. 29 00:01:14,475 --> 00:01:16,408 Rubber bands. 30 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,814 That man really knows me. 31 00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:46,338 Attention, squad. I just received a call. 32 00:01:46,340 --> 00:01:49,174 A very important, very high profile celebrity 33 00:01:49,176 --> 00:01:50,609 was robbed in our precinct. 34 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,411 What celebrity, sir? Is it a Chris? 35 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:55,647 Hemsworth? Evans? Pratt? Pine? Brown? Cross? 36 00:01:55,649 --> 00:01:57,282 Is it a non-Chris? 37 00:01:57,284 --> 00:02:00,385 This is a sensitive matter, and I can only disclose details 38 00:02:00,387 --> 00:02:02,154 to the lead detective on the case. 39 00:02:02,156 --> 00:02:04,256 Sergeant, let me know who's available, ASAP. 40 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,357 Yes, sir. 41 00:02:05,359 --> 00:02:07,526 Sarge, Sarge, Sarge. 42 00:02:07,528 --> 00:02:09,595 You know that I'm your guy for this. 43 00:02:09,597 --> 00:02:11,630 You can't give a celebrity case to Amy. 44 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:15,300 The last movie she saw was a documentary about spelling bees. 45 00:02:15,302 --> 00:02:18,170 Wrong; it was about the font Helvetica, 46 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:20,172 and it played like an action thriller. 47 00:02:20,174 --> 00:02:21,907 You already have a case, Peralta. 48 00:02:21,909 --> 00:02:23,859 I assigned it to you this morning. 49 00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:25,810 That was just some kid with a little bit of pot on him. 50 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,913 Meanwhile, Chris Rock is tied up in his basement 51 00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,482 calling out for my help, and you're standing in my way. 52 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,451 Just work the case I assigned you. 53 00:02:32,453 --> 00:02:34,319 Can't I just give my case to Hitchcock and Scully? 54 00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:36,388 I mean, they clearly have a ton of time on their hands. 55 00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:38,423 Hitchcock hasn't even gotten out of his chair today. 56 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,393 Hey, Jake, I can go anywhere in this thing. 57 00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:43,896 But... shouldn't. 58 00:02:43,898 --> 00:02:46,231 Hitchcock and Scully are house mouses. 59 00:02:46,233 --> 00:02:48,233 They do paperwork and they're good at it. 60 00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,835 They don't go out in the field. 61 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:53,305 Boyle, you take the celebrity case. 62 00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:55,474 Me? Instead of Jake? 63 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,477 Have you lost your damn mind? I am so sorry, Jake. 64 00:02:58,479 --> 00:02:59,711 I don't know what's wrong with Terry. 65 00:02:59,713 --> 00:03:02,247 Don't worry. I'm gonna work it with you. 66 00:03:02,249 --> 00:03:04,550 I'm giving my drug bust to Hitchcock and Scully. 67 00:03:04,552 --> 00:03:07,419 It's time to get these mice out of their hice. 68 00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:09,254 Oh, that was lame. Life is meaningless. 69 00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:10,756 We're all gonna die. 70 00:03:10,758 --> 00:03:13,325 Mouses out of their houses. Yes, I am the greatest. 71 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:15,460 Every breath is a gift. Sorry about the roller coaster. 72 00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:18,597 I'm just happy I'm tall enough to ride. 73 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:19,798 Hey, Rosa. 74 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,250 Saw you hadn't signed up for the blood drive yet, 75 00:03:21,251 --> 00:03:22,701 so I brought you the sheet. 76 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:26,672 Sorry, can't. I'm... under 17 years old. 77 00:03:26,674 --> 00:03:29,575 Wait, you didn't sign up last year, either. 78 00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:32,277 Or the year before. 79 00:03:32,279 --> 00:03:33,478 Are you afraid of needles? 80 00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,913 I don't like being stabbed by someone 81 00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:36,281 so they can steal my blood. 82 00:03:36,283 --> 00:03:37,849 I'm crazy. 83 00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,819 This is amazing; you're scared of something I'm not. 84 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,522 I'm tougher than you. I'm tougher than Rosa. 85 00:03:43,524 --> 00:03:45,524 Eh, I take it back. I'm so sorry. 86 00:03:45,526 --> 00:03:48,493 Look, it's okay. We all have fears. 87 00:03:48,495 --> 00:03:49,928 I'm so claustrophobic, I can't even go 88 00:03:49,930 --> 00:03:52,297 into the downstairs supply closet. 89 00:03:52,299 --> 00:03:54,266 I hear they have some hot new binder clips, 90 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,501 but I'll never know. 91 00:03:56,503 --> 00:03:58,237 I'm scared of businessmen. 92 00:03:58,239 --> 00:04:01,673 A whole army of gray-suited Brads and Chads trying 93 00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:06,545 to suck my soul and redeem it for frequent flyer miles. 94 00:04:06,547 --> 00:04:07,746 Great, so you guys get it. 95 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,681 Conversation over, bye. No, no, no, no, no. 96 00:04:09,683 --> 00:04:13,919 What if we each agree to face one of our fears today 97 00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:16,989 for ourselves and for all of womenkind? 98 00:04:16,991 --> 00:04:18,824 Ugh. That sounds terrible. 99 00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,827 But I'm in. 100 00:04:21,829 --> 00:04:23,595 Fine, I'll do it too. 101 00:04:23,597 --> 00:04:24,963 Guys, come on. 102 00:04:24,965 --> 00:04:27,599 I really think this'll be good for-oh, wait. 103 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,669 You-we're doing my thing? Okay. 104 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,304 Thanks for taking us to lunch, Jake. 105 00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:33,805 Of course. Get whatever you want. 106 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,308 Oh, man, I already ate. 107 00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,010 I guess I'll just have a cheeseburger deluxe, 108 00:04:38,012 --> 00:04:40,445 couple slices of pie, maybe an egg cream. 109 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:42,281 - Okay. - And a waffle. 110 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,983 So look, a big, important drug case came across my desk, 111 00:04:44,985 --> 00:04:46,618 and I need your help. 112 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:49,388 Only problem is, Sarge doesn't think you can handle it. 113 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:51,423 - He's right. - No, he's not. 114 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:52,824 Look, you're Hitchcock and Scully. 115 00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:54,359 You guys are legends. 116 00:04:54,361 --> 00:04:56,895 You single-handedly caught the Prospect Park Flasher. 117 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,730 Well, he was being chased by other cops, 118 00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,532 but he did slip on my spilled chili. 119 00:05:00,534 --> 00:05:03,335 And who bumped into Scully, causing the spill? Me. 120 00:05:03,337 --> 00:05:06,371 Damn right, and who fell asleep under their desks 121 00:05:06,373 --> 00:05:07,839 and caught the janitor stealing evidence? 122 00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:08,841 We did. 123 00:05:08,842 --> 00:05:10,409 And who sued the department 124 00:05:10,411 --> 00:05:13,312 and got triple-ply toilet paper in every precinct? 125 00:05:13,314 --> 00:05:14,314 We did. 126 00:05:14,315 --> 00:05:15,414 Terry thinks you guys 127 00:05:15,416 --> 00:05:16,582 are too old and too lazy to handle this, 128 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:17,749 but I know what you're really made of. 129 00:05:17,751 --> 00:05:20,052 You're gonna take this case and prove him wrong! 130 00:05:20,054 --> 00:05:22,421 - Yeah! - Whoo-hoo! 131 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:23,989 We're still gonna eat lunch, right? 132 00:05:23,991 --> 00:05:26,591 Obviously, a high profile celebrity case such as this one 133 00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:29,728 needs to be handled with the utmost discretion. 134 00:05:29,730 --> 00:05:31,663 I promise I'll be professional, 135 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:33,432 even if it's Dianne Wiest. 136 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:36,635 Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm gonna meet Dianne Wiest! 137 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,570 She's so sexual! 138 00:05:38,572 --> 00:05:41,907 No, our victim... 139 00:05:41,909 --> 00:05:46,545 is John... William... 140 00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:48,347 Weichselbraun. 141 00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:51,450 Remind me who that is again? 142 00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,618 You're kidding. He's a world-renowned oboist, 143 00:05:53,620 --> 00:05:56,088 first chair with the New York Symphony Orchestra. 144 00:05:56,090 --> 00:05:59,558 Kevin and I are huge fans of Weichselbraun's work. 145 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:03,495 We are what the Internet sometimes refers to as... 146 00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:05,430 Weichselbraun fans. 147 00:06:05,432 --> 00:06:06,665 Not Weichselbrauniacs? 148 00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:08,700 Oh, that's very good. 149 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,435 I'm gonna use that liberally. 150 00:06:10,437 --> 00:06:12,838 Anyway, Weichselbraun's $40,000 oboe 151 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:13,972 was stolen from his apartment, 152 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,774 and you need to find it. 153 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,509 I'd work the case myself 154 00:06:17,511 --> 00:06:19,778 if it didn't smack of preferential treatment. 155 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:21,847 Don't worry, sir. I can handle this. 156 00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:24,583 So you do think it smacks of preferential treatment? 157 00:06:24,585 --> 00:06:26,651 I don't know what you want me to say. 158 00:06:26,653 --> 00:06:29,087 Okay, you've convinced me. I'll work the case with you. 159 00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,958 Great. 160 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,726 I think you owe me an apology. 161 00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:37,095 I'll apologize to you in hell. 162 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,797 I actually don't know what this is about. 163 00:06:38,799 --> 00:06:40,098 Sorry I took such a hard stance. 164 00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:43,635 Holt's celebrity was just some lame oboist. 165 00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:47,506 Meanwhile, we just linked your little dumb pot bust 166 00:06:47,508 --> 00:06:49,574 to a major narcotics ring. 167 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,710 This might be the biggest drug case 168 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,845 the Nine-Nine's had in years. 169 00:06:53,847 --> 00:06:55,781 Cool. 170 00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:57,582 Uh-oh. 171 00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:59,451 I know a real "cool" when I hear one. 172 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:03,422 That wasn't a real "cool." What did you do? 173 00:07:03,424 --> 00:07:06,158 Well... 174 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:09,194 I may have given that very huge drug case 175 00:07:09,196 --> 00:07:11,196 to Hitchcock and Scully. 176 00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:12,764 - What? - In my defense, 177 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:16,067 I was pretty sure you were never gonna find out. 178 00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:19,871 I don't know where Hitchcock and Scully are. 179 00:07:19,873 --> 00:07:21,473 They're not answering their phones, 180 00:07:21,475 --> 00:07:23,809 and they signed our dealer- the one link to our drug ring- 181 00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:25,861 out of holding. 182 00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:27,912 I swear, if they mess up this case, Jake, it's on you. 183 00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,348 They're detectives. 184 00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:30,782 They've been on the force for 500 years. 185 00:07:30,784 --> 00:07:32,117 They know what they're doing. 186 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,120 The only item on Scully's calendar for the entire year 187 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:36,621 is "eat peanut butter." 188 00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:37,923 Yeah, we got to find them. 189 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:41,493 And to do that, we have to think like they do. 190 00:07:41,495 --> 00:07:44,062 I'm going in. 191 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:48,133 All right, there's the butt indentation, 192 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,167 and... 193 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:51,170 I'm docked. 194 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,472 Ugh. Still warm. 195 00:07:53,474 --> 00:07:56,875 All right, residual cushion fart is about a six out of ten. 196 00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:58,543 He's been gone an hour, maybe two. 197 00:07:58,545 --> 00:07:59,911 - But where? - Hot dogs. 198 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:01,947 They went for hot dogs. How do you know? 199 00:08:01,949 --> 00:08:04,916 There's a water stain on the ceiling in the shape of a bun. 200 00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:05,951 Let's go. 201 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,988 Excuse me, have you seen Hitchcock and Scully? 202 00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,023 Three times a day for 12 years. 203 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,559 Twice as often since I started serving sweet wieners. 204 00:08:14,561 --> 00:08:15,861 Sweet wieners? 205 00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:17,629 It's a normal hot dog with a little chocolate sauce. 206 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,064 - One please! - No, Jake. 207 00:08:19,066 --> 00:08:21,032 - No, Terry. - Have you seen them recently? 208 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:23,051 Half hour ago-they ate, and then they took off in a hurry. 209 00:08:23,052 --> 00:08:25,069 Half an hour. 210 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,205 They could be anywhere by now. Nope, there's Scully. 211 00:08:28,842 --> 00:08:30,008 Where's Hitchcock? 212 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,643 I'm taking you guys off your drug case. 213 00:08:31,645 --> 00:08:32,744 Of course you are. 214 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,079 Jake said you didn't believe in us. 215 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,848 What? He didn't believe in you either. 216 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,284 He was just pumping you up with lies so you'd work his case. 217 00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:41,152 Jake, is this true? 218 00:08:41,154 --> 00:08:43,221 I just thought, you know, 219 00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:44,656 the two of you might be better off 220 00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:46,625 mousing around the old house. 221 00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:48,627 Oh, I get it. 222 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,530 Just because I got my finger stuck in a glue trap once, 223 00:08:51,532 --> 00:08:53,064 I'm a mouse? 224 00:08:53,066 --> 00:08:54,633 I got the cheese out, by the way. 225 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,201 - Oh, my God. - Look, man, 226 00:08:56,203 --> 00:08:57,836 we need to know where Hitchcock is. 227 00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,838 I am ordering you to tell us everything. 228 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,140 Fine. We're setting up a sting. 229 00:09:02,142 --> 00:09:04,309 I'm going undercover as Tex Dallas, 230 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:06,645 billionaire oil man from Dallas, Texas, 231 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:08,213 with ties to the cowboy mafia. 232 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,582 - Oh, boy. - Hitchcock's my middle man, 233 00:09:10,584 --> 00:09:13,585 Reno Vegas, mobster from Reno, Las Vegas. 234 00:09:13,587 --> 00:09:15,671 I said my "oh, boy" too soon. 235 00:09:15,672 --> 00:09:17,756 In 20 minutes, he's going in totally alone, unarmed, 236 00:09:17,758 --> 00:09:19,758 without a cell phone, to meet with one of their guys 237 00:09:19,760 --> 00:09:20,959 to set up a buy. 238 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,661 So how do you like our plan now? 239 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:25,230 It's a disaster, man! We got to stop it! 240 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:27,265 Disaster? Tell me one thing that's wrong 241 00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:28,833 with Operation Beans. 242 00:09:28,835 --> 00:09:30,835 Operation Beans? 243 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,706 Good afternoon, sir. I'm Detective Charles Boyle- 244 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,207 From the Nine-Nine. 245 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:39,611 My precinct. I'm the captain, Raymond Holt. 246 00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:42,013 Okay. Uh, please, come on in. 247 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,583 I'll show you the back room where they broke in. 248 00:09:44,585 --> 00:09:47,118 You're an incredibly gracious host, Mr. Weichselbraun. 249 00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:49,754 Wow, that pronunciation is flawless. 250 00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:55,293 I must admit, I'm a bit of a Weichselbrauniac. 251 00:09:55,295 --> 00:09:59,331 Hmm, I saw you perform Bach's "Oboe Sonata in G Minor" 252 00:09:59,333 --> 00:10:00,799 at the Brooklyn Academy of Music. 253 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:02,300 I was in the front row. 254 00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,836 You were escorted out for gasping too loudly. 255 00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:06,171 Ah. 256 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,139 This is a pretty modest apartment. 257 00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:11,343 How did you afford a $40,000 oboe in the first place? 258 00:10:11,345 --> 00:10:13,211 I admit that there's not as much money 259 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,846 in classical music as there once was- 260 00:10:14,848 --> 00:10:17,949 - Which is the real crime here. 261 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,684 Boyle, can I talk to you privately? 262 00:10:19,686 --> 00:10:20,819 Sure. 263 00:10:20,821 --> 00:10:22,320 What are you doing? You just insulted 264 00:10:22,322 --> 00:10:24,222 our celebrity victim to his face. 265 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:26,358 You keep saying "celebrity," but he's drying his socks 266 00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:28,326 on a George Foreman grill. 267 00:10:28,328 --> 00:10:30,929 This is John William Weichselbraun, 268 00:10:30,931 --> 00:10:33,932 the Silver Spit Prince. 269 00:10:33,934 --> 00:10:36,034 I'm making myself primary detective on this case. 270 00:10:36,036 --> 00:10:37,636 You can wait in the car. 271 00:10:37,638 --> 00:10:39,337 Oh, but first, take a picture of the two of us together. 272 00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,972 Make sure we're laughing. 273 00:10:42,376 --> 00:10:44,242 Ha-ha! 274 00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:47,178 Ah. 275 00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:52,050 Okay, so, I'm going to face my fear of confined spaces. 276 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,753 When I'm ready, you will shut the trunk 277 00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:57,055 and leave me here for 30 minutes. 278 00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:59,290 I left a juice box and a diaper in there for you, 279 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:00,892 so you're gonna be fine. 280 00:11:00,894 --> 00:11:02,694 Or we could all give in to our fears 281 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,729 and keep our blood in our bodies like normal people. 282 00:11:04,731 --> 00:11:07,799 No, Rosa, we are doing something important here. 283 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,702 We are women, standing up and supporting each other 284 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:12,270 and becoming- 285 00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:13,972 - New fear: listening to Amy inspire us. 286 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:17,175 Be back in a half hour, Ames. 287 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,878 Wait! Come back! 288 00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:21,713 Come back, I can't do this! 289 00:11:21,715 --> 00:11:23,915 No, you're the best! 290 00:11:28,288 --> 00:11:30,055 You did it. How'd it go? 291 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:34,292 Well, the first ten minutes were really terrible. 292 00:11:34,294 --> 00:11:37,262 The diaper did not fit. It was for a baby. 293 00:11:37,264 --> 00:11:42,067 But then I relaxed, and I found my inner strength. 294 00:11:42,069 --> 00:11:44,469 I think the lesson here is that, as women, we- 295 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:45,904 No, no, no, no! 296 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:47,606 You close that trunk again and I will kill you! 297 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,307 You hear me? I will kill you! 298 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,778 We're almost there. Slow down, Pinto. 299 00:11:53,780 --> 00:11:54,913 I didn't agree to a bean name. 300 00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:57,048 We are not doing Operation Beans. 301 00:11:57,050 --> 00:11:59,250 You know, the only reason Hitchcock and I took this case 302 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,452 is because you said we were great. 303 00:12:00,454 --> 00:12:02,787 I'm beginning to think you were lying to us. 304 00:12:02,789 --> 00:12:05,223 I was lying! I already admitted that. 305 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,926 Well, if anything happens, it's because of you. 306 00:12:07,928 --> 00:12:09,327 Right, Mung? Right. 307 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:11,162 If Hitchcock dies, it's 'cause of Pinto. 308 00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:12,364 Terry, I know that you're mad, 309 00:12:12,365 --> 00:12:14,933 but you don't have to jump on the bean train. 310 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:15,967 Uh-oh. 311 00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:21,272 Chickpea! No! 312 00:12:23,977 --> 00:12:25,343 Looks like they're taking Hitchcock 313 00:12:25,345 --> 00:12:27,078 inside that building, and it looks like they're armed. 314 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,213 Dammit, Jake! 315 00:12:28,215 --> 00:12:29,848 You couldn't just do the case I assigned you? 316 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,884 Hitchcock's life is in danger. He has a wife, man. 317 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,385 Don't worry. If anything happens to him, 318 00:12:34,387 --> 00:12:35,787 she'll be taken care of. 319 00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:39,124 If I die, I want you to marry Lucille. 320 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,192 I can't stand the thought of you being alone. 321 00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:43,528 Deal. Let's make it a blood pact. 322 00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:46,531 Oh, look, I'm already bleeding. 323 00:12:46,533 --> 00:12:48,366 So just normal friend stuff. 324 00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:51,202 - So what's the plan? - We stick with Operation Beans. 325 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,905 We knock on the front door. I say I'm Tex Dallas. 326 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,974 You're my buddy, Alamo, and you're Black Fred. 327 00:12:55,976 --> 00:12:58,243 Black Fred? Why Black Fred? 328 00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,544 There's no other Fred! 329 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,112 Yeah, but they don't know that. 330 00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,247 I say Terry and I go in 331 00:13:02,249 --> 00:13:03,915 through the roof and do some recon. 332 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:06,251 Scully, you stay here and call for backup in case we need it. 333 00:13:06,253 --> 00:13:07,519 Oh, no way. 334 00:13:07,521 --> 00:13:09,220 That's my partner in there. I'm going in. 335 00:13:09,222 --> 00:13:12,190 Also, I can't call for help. I don't have any quarters. 336 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:14,526 Hard to argue with that logic. 337 00:13:15,796 --> 00:13:17,195 - You know I- - Sir, I need to talk to you 338 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,531 about the Weichselbraun case. 339 00:13:19,533 --> 00:13:22,400 Oh, I didn't realize you were here, Mr. Weichselbraun. 340 00:13:22,402 --> 00:13:24,435 I was in the area, and the captain is a fan, 341 00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:27,305 so I came by to give him a little gift, as a thank you. 342 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,108 It's a signed copy of his book of mouth exercises. 343 00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:33,311 "Reed It and Weep." "Reed" with two Es? 344 00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,146 It's my favorite joke of all time. 345 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:36,581 - I'll come back later. - Oh, nonsense. 346 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:39,818 I'm sure John- he insists I call him "John"- 347 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,286 I'm sure John would appreciate an update 348 00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,988 on the whereabouts of his oboe, wouldn't you, John? 349 00:13:43,990 --> 00:13:45,290 - Yeah. - Well said, John. 350 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:47,125 Did you hear what John said? I did, 351 00:13:47,127 --> 00:13:48,677 but it's an open investigation, 352 00:13:48,678 --> 00:13:50,228 and I don't think it's proper to share information 353 00:13:50,230 --> 00:13:51,563 with the parties involved. 354 00:13:51,565 --> 00:13:53,365 Well, that's why you're no longer the primary. 355 00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,867 John played oboe for Lynne Cheney. 356 00:13:55,869 --> 00:13:57,836 I'm sure we can trust him to be discreet. 357 00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:58,838 Out with it. 358 00:13:58,839 --> 00:13:59,938 Okay, well, 359 00:13:59,940 --> 00:14:00,939 John, you're under arrest. 360 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,207 - What? - Excuse me? 361 00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:04,375 He staged the robbery for the insurance money 362 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,478 because he's broke, because oboists are not celebrities. 363 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,280 This is ludicrous, Boyle. 364 00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:11,349 Do you have one iota of evidence? 365 00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:13,551 I found the oboe for sale online. 366 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:16,888 We traced the IP address back to Mr. Weichselbraun's computer. 367 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,193 Oh, John. 368 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,529 Okay, Sarge, everyone knows you're a superhero, 369 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,598 so you lower Scully and I into that skylight 370 00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:28,032 and then fly down to meet us. 371 00:14:28,034 --> 00:14:29,634 - You know that's impossible. - Fine. 372 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,035 We'll lower Scully down together, 373 00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:33,304 and then flop onto him like a giant mattress. 374 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,473 No, you go first, then I lower Scully, 375 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:39,310 and you- you get to catch him. 376 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,645 Great. I love that plan. 377 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:43,414 Come on. 378 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:45,650 Whoa! 379 00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:46,951 I got him. 380 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:55,226 Look what I found. French fries? 381 00:14:55,228 --> 00:14:57,262 What? No, it's Hitchcock. 382 00:14:57,264 --> 00:15:00,164 Where would I have found French fries in a weed farm? 383 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:04,135 Oh, man, look at him. This is bad. 384 00:15:04,137 --> 00:15:06,671 He hates standing up. 385 00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,539 To conquer my fear of businessmen, 386 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:10,475 I must walk among them. 387 00:15:10,477 --> 00:15:12,644 I will shake their clammy hands 388 00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:15,647 and listen to them talk about things like 389 00:15:15,649 --> 00:15:18,950 how hard Wednesdays can be. 390 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:22,453 Does this outfit look drab and lifeless enough? 391 00:15:22,455 --> 00:15:24,656 Also, thanks, Amy, for letting me borrow it. 392 00:15:24,658 --> 00:15:27,992 You're welcome. I wore that suit to prom. 393 00:15:27,994 --> 00:15:29,994 Student chaperone. 394 00:15:29,996 --> 00:15:32,230 I guess this is really happening. 395 00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:39,270 How about those quarterly write-offs? 396 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,506 And did you hear about the merger? 397 00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:44,575 Also, we all need to go in on those flowers for Beth. 398 00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,678 Aw, Wednesdays. 399 00:15:46,680 --> 00:15:48,112 Who are you again? 400 00:15:48,114 --> 00:15:51,182 Gina, from Sales. I have the plant on my desk. 401 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:54,619 Oh, yeah. You want to sit with us. 402 00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:56,387 We'll all be dead so soon. 403 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:57,989 What? 404 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,290 I would love to sit. 405 00:16:02,329 --> 00:16:04,295 Ugh. 406 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:07,231 That was a nightmare. I ate a Caesar salad wrap. 407 00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:09,968 I'm so proud of you, you lioness. 408 00:16:09,970 --> 00:16:11,102 You faced your fear. 409 00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:14,372 And I emerged victorious. 410 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:16,541 Yay! 411 00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:19,344 That was a wig? 412 00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:22,580 You didn't think I'd put my actual hair in a ponytail? 413 00:16:22,582 --> 00:16:23,681 Are you insane? 414 00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:25,216 Oh, there's the boss. 415 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:31,022 I ask only one time. Who do you work for? 416 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:33,591 DEA? FBI? Police? 417 00:16:33,593 --> 00:16:35,526 I'm in the cowboy mafia. 418 00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,662 I work for the Dallas Buyers Club. 419 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,530 - I came up with that name. - No, you didn't. 420 00:16:39,532 --> 00:16:41,632 It's a movie about AIDS. 421 00:16:41,634 --> 00:16:44,469 You're lying. Let's try again. 422 00:16:44,471 --> 00:16:46,270 FBI? Oof! 423 00:16:46,272 --> 00:16:47,672 DEA? 424 00:16:47,674 --> 00:16:49,140 - Police? - Aah! 425 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:50,675 Oh no, he's not gonna last. 426 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,377 Oh, Jake, you got to do something. 427 00:16:52,379 --> 00:16:54,645 I don't want to marry Hitchcock's wife. 428 00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:57,081 Here we come, Chickpea. 429 00:16:57,083 --> 00:17:00,284 Hey, hey, hey, hey! Easy! 430 00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:01,319 Howdy there! 431 00:17:01,321 --> 00:17:03,321 I'd really appreciate it kindly 432 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:06,290 if y'all would stop punching my associate Reno, there. 433 00:17:06,292 --> 00:17:09,293 Let me introduce myself. My name is Alamo. 434 00:17:09,295 --> 00:17:11,396 This here's Tex, and this is- 435 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:13,097 - Fred. Just Fred. 436 00:17:13,099 --> 00:17:16,334 And we are... 437 00:17:16,336 --> 00:17:18,069 the Dallas Buyers Club. 438 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:20,405 Okay. We make a deal. 439 00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:23,041 Sounds good. 440 00:17:23,043 --> 00:17:24,475 No, I just told them to surround you. 441 00:17:24,477 --> 00:17:26,377 Dagnabbit. Oof! 442 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:31,482 Look, Sarge, I'm sorry that we're in this mess, 443 00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:33,117 but on the bright side, 444 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:34,751 we don't have to deal with some lame oboist. 445 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:37,055 You should be apologizing to Hitchcock and Scully. 446 00:17:37,057 --> 00:17:39,590 You took them out of their house mouse comfort zone, 447 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:40,792 and now they might get killed. 448 00:17:40,794 --> 00:17:43,294 You really think they're going to kill us? 449 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,730 Oh, no, now I'm starting to panic sweat. 450 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:47,198 Starting to? 451 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,433 What have you been doing for the past hour? 452 00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,535 - Normal sweating. - Wait a minute. 453 00:17:50,537 --> 00:17:54,405 If you get killed, what happens to all your debt? 454 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:57,175 Loophole! 455 00:17:58,611 --> 00:18:01,712 Oh, you sweaty, chair-spinning morons. 456 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,381 You're gonna get us out of here. 457 00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,318 Boyle, may I speak to you? 458 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:08,453 I don't know. 459 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,555 Are you still mad that I arrested John? 460 00:18:10,557 --> 00:18:12,857 No. 461 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:15,827 I know he's guilty. I'm just chagrined. 462 00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:17,728 Deeply chagrined. 463 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:21,432 I finally understand the old adage, "Never meet your heroes." 464 00:18:21,434 --> 00:18:25,336 This is just like when I found out Robert Frost was from... 465 00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,105 California. 466 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,987 Or when I saw Mario Batali with his hair down. 467 00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:32,577 Well, you've handled this case with the utmost professionalism, 468 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:36,314 while I've behaved crassly. 469 00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:38,583 I think I've figured out a way to make it up to you. 470 00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:41,419 Oh, my God, is Dianne Wiest here? 471 00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:44,622 No, I've hired a trio of classical musicians 472 00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,757 to perform a Shostakovich cantata, 473 00:18:46,759 --> 00:18:51,329 originally written as an apology to a dear friend. 474 00:18:53,867 --> 00:18:56,200 Are you stealing kitchen supplies? 475 00:18:56,202 --> 00:18:57,635 Just let us have this stuff. 476 00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,704 You have so much, and we have so little. 477 00:18:59,706 --> 00:19:02,640 Perhaps I'll just buy you a drink instead. 478 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,775 Yeah, that would be best. 479 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:08,246 Classical musicians are savages. 480 00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,814 They're not gonna kill you fast, Scully. 481 00:19:09,816 --> 00:19:11,582 They're gonna make it real slow. 482 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,084 First they're gonna scalp you, 483 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,585 and then they're gonna rip your tongue out! 484 00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,255 No. That's my cupcake taster! 485 00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:19,724 What are you doing? Lay off him! 486 00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:22,192 Never! For my plan to work, he's gotta be basting in sweat. 487 00:19:22,195 --> 00:19:24,762 Hitchcock, you once told me you could roll that chair anywhere. 488 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:26,430 Think you could take it up those stairs? 489 00:19:26,432 --> 00:19:28,332 I once rode a chair home in a blizzard. 490 00:19:28,334 --> 00:19:30,868 So, yeah, I can go up stairs. 491 00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:32,637 So do it. 492 00:19:36,176 --> 00:19:37,875 Oh, he's amazing. 493 00:19:37,877 --> 00:19:40,611 He's like a big, lazy Michelle Kwan. 494 00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,880 But how's he gonna get up the stairs? 495 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,483 Jake! He already did. 496 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,620 Okay, it's go time. 497 00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:52,190 Help! My man's having a heart attack! 498 00:19:52,192 --> 00:19:54,559 Help! 499 00:19:54,561 --> 00:19:55,626 Hitchcock, now! 500 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,598 Scully! Grab his gun. 501 00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:06,671 It's not sticky because I'm so juicy! 502 00:20:06,673 --> 00:20:07,905 Told you I knew what I was doing. 503 00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:09,440 Black Fred, think quick. 504 00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:11,609 No, no, ow! That was a gun, man! 505 00:20:11,611 --> 00:20:14,378 Scully, grab that dude's knife and cut us loose. 506 00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:15,880 We're gonna get the rest of these guys. 507 00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:20,618 It's time for Operation Beans, phase two, the refrying. 508 00:20:20,620 --> 00:20:22,353 Sure you're ready to go through with this? 509 00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:24,689 You know what? Today was stupid. 510 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,225 But seeing you both overcome your fears did help me, 511 00:20:27,227 --> 00:20:29,860 and I think we've all grown as women. 512 00:20:31,864 --> 00:20:32,897 Okay. 513 00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,732 I'm ready. 514 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,634 Stab me! Stab me! 515 00:20:36,636 --> 00:20:38,002 Do it, just do it! 516 00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:40,004 - Rosa? - I'm psyching myself up. 517 00:20:42,609 --> 00:20:44,575 Don't look at them! Look at me! 518 00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,478 Do your job! Drain me! 519 00:20:49,983 --> 00:20:51,449 There they are! 520 00:20:51,451 --> 00:20:53,751 Everybody give it up for Hitchcock and Scully. 521 00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:56,954 To thank you for all you did, 522 00:20:56,956 --> 00:21:00,258 bringing down a drug ring, 523 00:21:00,260 --> 00:21:01,726 we have a little present for you: 524 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,961 brand-new, top-of-the-line desk chairs, 525 00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:07,632 extra padding, with adjustable height and recline. 526 00:21:07,634 --> 00:21:09,700 Hey, chair! 527 00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:11,736 Get ready to meet your new best friend: 528 00:21:11,738 --> 00:21:13,971 my ass. 529 00:21:16,342 --> 00:21:17,575 That was very nice of you. 530 00:21:17,577 --> 00:21:18,743 They did good. 531 00:21:18,745 --> 00:21:19,877 Also, I was worried they might want 532 00:21:19,879 --> 00:21:21,312 to go out in the field more, 533 00:21:21,314 --> 00:21:23,581 and I need something to keep them at their desks. 534 00:21:23,583 --> 00:21:25,950 You really think that that is going to keep them at their- 535 00:21:25,952 --> 00:21:27,785 and they're both asleep already. 536 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:29,654 And the city's safer for it. 537 00:21:29,656 --> 00:21:31,822 Sleep tight, you magnificent oafs. 538 00:21:31,824 --> 00:21:33,357 You deserve it. 539 00:21:33,500 --> 00:21:39,000 CREDITS