1
00:00:00,471 --> 00:00:02,978
Thank you for joining me
for what promises to be
2
00:00:03,114 --> 00:00:06,353
the diggity-dopest tree lighting
in the history of the nine-nine.
3
00:00:05,524 --> 00:00:07,059
I don't understand.
Where's the tree?
4
00:00:07,195 --> 00:00:09,451
It was inside us all along.
Brilliant, Jake.
5
00:00:09,486 --> 00:00:11,375
No, Charles, not everything
was inside of us all along.
6
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:14,115
The tree is right here.
7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,515
Cool.
Can we go now?
8
00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,345
Obviously not.
Behold,
9
00:00:17,355 --> 00:00:21,015
the greatest inflatable tree
that 'murica has to offer.
10
00:00:21,025 --> 00:00:23,955
And now, in the immortal words
of Saint Nick,
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00:00:23,955 --> 00:00:25,385
turn on the compressor.
12
00:00:27,365 --> 00:00:29,925
You hear that?
It's the sound of Christmas.
13
00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:31,365
It's deafening.
14
00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,135
It's getting really big.
15
00:00:33,135 --> 00:00:34,495
What size tree did you get?
16
00:00:34,505 --> 00:00:35,965
It's a jumbo.
17
00:00:35,965 --> 00:00:38,005
It says it's ten meters tall.
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00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:41,005
That's...
roughly 32.81 feet.
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00:00:41,005 --> 00:00:43,145
Someone unplug it,
unplug it now.
20
00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:45,175
We can't.
It swallowed its own plug!
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00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:47,275
Everybody run!
22
00:00:51,255 --> 00:00:53,055
Okay,
the tree has been contained.
23
00:00:53,055 --> 00:00:54,385
Wait, we left a man behind.
24
00:00:54,385 --> 00:00:56,855
Jake!
25
00:00:56,855 --> 00:00:59,795
Well, Terry's trapped
in the break room forever.
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00:00:59,795 --> 00:01:01,358
Only thing we can do now
is move on with our lives.
27
00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:02,495
It's what Terry would've wanted.
28
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:05,395
Aah!
29
00:01:09,265 --> 00:01:11,205
God bless us, every one?
30
00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:12,275
Yeah!
31
00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:13,505
Yeah!
32
00:01:33,455 --> 00:01:36,595
Ah, the Boyles are here.
Good tidings.
33
00:01:36,595 --> 00:01:38,065
Genevieve, hello,
you're looking...
34
00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,395
sexy as a minx.
35
00:01:39,395 --> 00:01:41,098
I was gonna say "festive,"
due to the scarf.
36
00:01:41,105 --> 00:01:43,505
The bra underneath is insane.
37
00:01:43,505 --> 00:01:44,765
- It is.
- Okay.
38
00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:46,035
Parenthood has not changed
you two.
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00:01:46,035 --> 00:01:47,175
Hey there, Nikolaj, my man.
40
00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,975
How you doing?
Hi, Jake, we made daddy
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00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,245
Latvian Christmas cookies.
Want one?
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00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,175
- You bet I do.
- The potato really
43
00:01:53,175 --> 00:01:54,578
brings out the vinegar.
Neither of those
44
00:01:54,585 --> 00:01:56,245
are cookie things.
I'm just gonna put that back.
45
00:01:56,245 --> 00:01:57,985
So, you excited for Christmas,
bud?
46
00:01:58,423 --> 00:02:00,623
- Yeah, I'm so excited.
- This is Nikolaj's
47
00:02:00,623 --> 00:02:03,463
first Christmas because the
orphanage kept cancelling it.
48
00:02:03,463 --> 00:02:06,433
Once it was blizzards, one it
was fires, and once it was...
49
00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:07,963
- famine.
- That's right, famine.
50
00:02:07,963 --> 00:02:09,503
- Oh.
- Papa promised me
51
00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:12,733
the best present ever:
A captain Latvia action figure!
52
00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,673
Whoa, captain Latvia?
What's his superpower?
53
00:02:15,673 --> 00:02:18,303
Can he talk to moose?
No, possums.
54
00:02:18,313 --> 00:02:19,813
- Worse.
- It's a very difficult toy
55
00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,473
to get in America,
so I was worried
56
00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,643
when Charles told Nikolaj
he would get him one.
57
00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,643
I said, keep it a surprise,
so you don't build up
58
00:02:25,653 --> 00:02:27,913
his expectations,
but Charles said, "no way",
59
00:02:27,923 --> 00:02:29,983
I want to build expectations."
Well, we all remember
60
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,383
the conversation.
Well, work time for daddy.
61
00:02:32,393 --> 00:02:35,053
I'll see you guys later.
Okay, I love you guys so much.
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00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:36,323
- Love you.
- All right.
63
00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,563
- Bye.
- Christmas is gonna be amazing!
64
00:02:38,563 --> 00:02:40,563
Christmas is gonna suck.
I don't have the present.
65
00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:41,893
What?
But you promised Nikolaj.
66
00:02:41,903 --> 00:02:44,333
I ordered it a month ago
from a Latvian toy store,
67
00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:45,733
and it still hasn't arrived yet.
68
00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,673
The shipping company is
giving me the runaround.
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00:02:47,673 --> 00:02:48,836
All right, so just get him
a different present,
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00:02:48,843 --> 00:02:50,703
like a jet ski or... A hammer.
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00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:51,806
I don't know what kids are into.
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00:02:51,813 --> 00:02:53,343
Genevieve and I worked so hard
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00:02:53,343 --> 00:02:55,673
to get Nikolaj to trust us
when we brought him home.
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00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,543
That's gonna be destroyed,
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00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,483
the way dry rot
destroyed his orphanage.
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00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,513
- Trust me, it's gonna be fine.
- Really?
77
00:03:01,523 --> 00:03:03,983
'Cause you said that
about "die hard 5," Jake.
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00:03:05,423 --> 00:03:06,753
Oh.
79
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,623
It's not gonna be fine.
80
00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,093
Finally, let's talk about
community outreach.
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00:03:11,093 --> 00:03:12,693
Does anyone have
any ideas about...
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00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:17,833
♪ fa-la-la-la-la,
la la la la ♪
83
00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,103
Who are these
golden-throated dorks?
84
00:03:20,103 --> 00:03:21,673
- It's the MTA.
- That's right.
85
00:03:21,673 --> 00:03:23,603
The metropolitan
transit authority.
86
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,743
I assumed you've climbed out
of your rat tunnels
87
00:03:25,743 --> 00:03:28,473
to taunt us about tonight's
charity caroling competition.
88
00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:29,883
No, no, no, of course not.
89
00:03:29,883 --> 00:03:32,113
We're here to wish you luck,
since every year we...
90
00:03:32,113 --> 00:03:33,883
♪ Kick...♪
♪ your ♪
91
00:03:33,883 --> 00:03:35,413
♪ butts ♪
92
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,823
Enough.
You may have bested us before,
93
00:03:37,823 --> 00:03:39,893
but throttle back
your ambitions.
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00:03:39,893 --> 00:03:41,653
Our voices are...
95
00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:43,163
- ♪ Better?♪
- ♪ awesome ♪
96
00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:45,593
- ♪ Sing!♪
- ♪ Scully! ♪
97
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,733
That was terrible.
98
00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:47,996
I hope you're more prepared
tonight,
99
00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:49,633
or else we'll have to file
a missing persons report.
100
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:51,533
First name: "Your."
101
00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:52,703
Last name: "Dignity."
- Mm.
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00:03:52,703 --> 00:03:54,633
Come on, crew,
let's hit the rails and buses.
103
00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:56,573
Both great ways
to get around the city.
104
00:03:57,643 --> 00:03:58,903
I hate that we lose to those
105
00:03:58,913 --> 00:04:00,643
pasty-assed mole people
every year.
106
00:04:00,643 --> 00:04:02,143
Oh, there's no point in
mincing your words.
107
00:04:02,143 --> 00:04:03,583
They're knaves!
108
00:04:03,583 --> 00:04:05,713
Captain, you kiss Kevin
with that mouth?
109
00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,553
You bet I do.
And tonight,
110
00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:09,053
I'm gonna sing with it.
111
00:04:09,053 --> 00:04:11,883
We're taking down the MTA.
112
00:04:17,093 --> 00:04:18,863
- Charles, what are you doing?
- Jah-nakeh.
113
00:04:18,863 --> 00:04:20,883
- What?
- Jah-keh.
114
00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:22,896
No idea what you're saying.
Why aren't you wearing a jacket?
115
00:04:22,903 --> 00:04:24,503
Oh, jacket, got it.
116
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,733
Aw, it's freezing.
What are you doing out here?
117
00:04:27,743 --> 00:04:30,143
I'm on the phone
with Melvin's import-exports,
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00:04:30,143 --> 00:04:32,003
the bastards who lost
my captain Latvia.
119
00:04:32,013 --> 00:04:33,843
Now wrap me in your arms,
I need body heat.
120
00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:35,173
All right.
121
00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:37,113
- And you're nestling.
- Ugh, first those jerks said
122
00:04:37,113 --> 00:04:39,113
they lost my package,
then they said they found it,
123
00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,783
then they had me on hold
for three hours.
124
00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:42,616
This is the only place
I get reliable reception.
125
00:04:42,623 --> 00:04:44,723
- I'm unwrapping for a sec.
- No, why?
126
00:04:44,723 --> 00:04:47,023
'Cause I need my fingers
to save the day
127
00:04:47,023 --> 00:04:48,753
like a fricking hero.
128
00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:51,923
And... Boom.
Melvin's import is in queens.
129
00:04:51,933 --> 00:04:53,693
Let's just go there right now.
Oh, so they could just
130
00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,833
walk all over me in person
instead of on the phone?
131
00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,933
Face it, Jake, I'm weak.
What? Don't talk like that.
132
00:04:57,933 --> 00:05:00,473
You're very strong, all right?
And you're a parent now,
133
00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:01,503
which makes you even stronger.
134
00:05:01,503 --> 00:05:02,773
I mean, think about
all those moms
135
00:05:02,773 --> 00:05:04,803
who literally lift buses
off their kids every day.
136
00:05:04,813 --> 00:05:06,713
Oh, so you're saying I should
137
00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:08,143
tap into my mommy strength.
138
00:05:08,143 --> 00:05:09,943
Yeah, or daddy strength,
but whatever.
139
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,683
Right, time to put some daddy
into my mommy.
140
00:05:12,683 --> 00:05:14,753
Gotta be a better way
to phrase that, let's go.
141
00:05:14,753 --> 00:05:16,583
Okay, let's review
our simple harmonies.
142
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,053
When I point at you,
hit your note.
143
00:05:19,053 --> 00:05:22,993
- ♪ La♪
- ♪ la ♪
144
00:05:22,993 --> 00:05:24,763
♪La ♪
145
00:05:24,763 --> 00:05:28,533
♪ La♪
146
00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:30,563
Okay.
That was horrible.
147
00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,133
Because I didn't
get a chance to rap.
148
00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,133
♪ Pop, pop, droppin' bodies ♪
149
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,136
♪ It's a stickup
you punk a... ♪
150
00:05:35,143 --> 00:05:37,003
No, Hitchcock,
there's no rapping.
151
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,803
You've grossly misread
the situation.
152
00:05:38,813 --> 00:05:40,273
Maybe we just need to
practice more.
153
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,643
I, for one, felt like
I was a teeny bit off.
154
00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:43,743
Don't fool yourself, Santiago.
155
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:45,283
You were the most off
of everyone.
156
00:05:45,283 --> 00:05:47,883
That's enough.
Sure, we're untrained.
157
00:05:47,883 --> 00:05:50,623
Yes,
our voices sound like garbage,
158
00:05:50,623 --> 00:05:53,093
and, yes, the MTA has
a huge head start on us,
159
00:05:53,093 --> 00:05:54,753
and it's embarrassing.
160
00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:55,993
But you know what?
161
00:05:55,993 --> 00:05:58,223
We're the nine-nine.
162
00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,033
And nothing can stand
in our way.
163
00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:02,133
She's right.
164
00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:03,863
We're gonna beat their butts
tonight.
165
00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:04,863
Oh, tonight?
166
00:06:04,873 --> 00:06:05,863
Tonight, tonight?
167
00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:07,573
Yeah, I can't.
168
00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:09,273
I have "Hamilton" tickets.
Oh, well.
169
00:06:09,273 --> 00:06:10,303
Good luck.
Peace.
170
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,943
I'm out too.
171
00:06:11,943 --> 00:06:13,643
I mean, if we're just gonna
be humiliated, I don't s...
172
00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:14,913
wait, shut up.
Did you just tell
173
00:06:14,913 --> 00:06:17,143
yourself to shut up?
Yeah, now you shut up too.
174
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,943
- Listen.
- ♪ mother and child... ♪
175
00:06:18,953 --> 00:06:21,583
- You hear that?
- It's an angel
176
00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:23,183
who will save us.
177
00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,783
♪ Tender and mild... ♪
178
00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,623
It's coming from the bullpen.
179
00:06:26,623 --> 00:06:30,693
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
180
00:06:30,693 --> 00:06:31,893
Who's singing?
181
00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:33,293
Is it one of
the uniformed officers?
182
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:35,093
No, it is not.
183
00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,263
♪ Heavenly peace ♪
184
00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:41,173
- Our angel's a criminal.
- And our angel is drunk.
185
00:06:43,343 --> 00:06:45,673
The angel puked.
186
00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:48,673
- Hey, you Melvin?
- I am, who are you?
187
00:06:48,683 --> 00:06:52,143
I'm Charles, from being
on hold, and I want my package.
188
00:06:52,153 --> 00:06:54,153
Yeah, I already told you,
that package isn't here.
189
00:06:54,153 --> 00:06:56,153
Well, I made a sacred promise
to my son, and you're not
190
00:06:56,153 --> 00:06:59,323
gonna make a liar out of me, so
why don't you take another look?
191
00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:03,593
We'll wait.
'Cause we've got all...
192
00:07:03,593 --> 00:07:07,133
Night... Long.
193
00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,763
- Damn.
- Oh, I don't know
194
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,703
if you knew this,
but... I'm a cop.
195
00:07:10,703 --> 00:07:13,003
So maybe this time,
don't lie to me.
196
00:07:13,003 --> 00:07:14,673
Hey, I didn't know
you guys were police.
197
00:07:14,673 --> 00:07:17,303
Well, now you do, genius.
198
00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,373
- How do you keep doing that?
- I don't know.
199
00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,243
All right, all right, hold on.
Look, there's a Latvian gang,
200
00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,683
okay, the gals skepu.
They smuggle guns
201
00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,013
in containers
that come from Latvia.
202
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,853
Sometimes there's
other packages that get lost
203
00:07:27,853 --> 00:07:29,983
in the process, okay?
If you want to find yours,
204
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,253
you gotta find them.
Gunrunning gangsters, huh?
205
00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:34,923
Well, looks like we're
gonna take down the Latvian mob.
206
00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:37,163
Hell yeah, we are.
207
00:07:37,163 --> 00:07:40,633
Is it bleeding?
208
00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:41,833
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Charles, is it bleeding?
209
00:07:41,833 --> 00:07:43,313
- Thanks, Melvin.
- I want a band-aid.
210
00:07:45,803 --> 00:07:47,133
- Hey.
- Hey.
211
00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,803
I just talked to Crawford
from organized crime.
212
00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,773
Apparently, the gals skepu
are major gun-runners
213
00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:52,106
on the east coast.
Their leader's got
214
00:07:52,113 --> 00:07:54,343
an office in the back.
Also, great chest hair.
215
00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,843
Ah, Genevieve calls it
"the plume of Boyle."
216
00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,243
Aww, that's so yucky.
217
00:07:58,253 --> 00:08:00,353
Hey, do you think
this shirt is offensive?
218
00:08:00,353 --> 00:08:02,213
I'm just not sure
how it fits into my ensemble.
219
00:08:02,223 --> 00:08:03,223
Come on, focus, Jake.
220
00:08:03,223 --> 00:08:05,183
My boy's happiness is at stake.
221
00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,123
I mean, read the email
Genevieve just sent me.
222
00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:08,423
Skip the part about her bra.
223
00:08:08,423 --> 00:08:10,223
Impossible,
it's in all caps, bolded.
224
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,023
- Oh.
- Here we go: "Nik-Nik is so"
225
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,863
excited you're getting him
captain Latvia."
226
00:08:13,863 --> 00:08:15,993
And then there's a photo of him
karate chopping a cat.
227
00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:18,863
Oh, yeah, that's captain
Latvia's move, the Riga hammer.
228
00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,803
You hit a guy here,
he goes down instantly.
229
00:08:20,803 --> 00:08:22,403
- Sounds a little far-fetched.
- Okay, well, tell that
230
00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:24,703
to captain Latvia's enemies.
Oh, wait, you can't
231
00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,943
because they're unconscious.
Okay, the door is guarded
232
00:08:26,943 --> 00:08:28,743
by the mob.
You wanna figure out our plan?
233
00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:30,143
Already did.
234
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,413
Mommy's gonna talk her way in.
235
00:08:33,456 --> 00:08:36,296
Hey there, jokers.
I got a joke for you:
236
00:08:36,296 --> 00:08:40,336
What did one Estonian farmer
say to the other?
237
00:08:40,336 --> 00:08:43,206
Our crop yields
are so much smaller
238
00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,766
than that of mighty Latvia.
239
00:08:53,476 --> 00:08:56,146
Okay.
Come on in.
240
00:08:56,146 --> 00:08:58,786
Oh, laughing is fun.
241
00:08:58,786 --> 00:09:01,616
The question on the table is,
do we add a velvet-voiced
242
00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:05,286
drunkard to our caroling group,
or do we lose miserably like
243
00:09:05,296 --> 00:09:07,596
a bunch of miserable losers?
244
00:09:07,596 --> 00:09:09,796
I say we do it,
and I'm the boss.
245
00:09:09,796 --> 00:09:11,796
Therefore, meeting adjourned.
246
00:09:11,796 --> 00:09:14,836
I can't believe you're even
considering this, captain.
247
00:09:14,836 --> 00:09:16,336
The guy's a criminal.
248
00:09:16,336 --> 00:09:18,466
Barely.
It was public intoxication.
249
00:09:18,476 --> 00:09:20,736
All he did was pee on
a couple snowmen.
250
00:09:20,746 --> 00:09:21,936
And one regular man.
251
00:09:21,946 --> 00:09:24,206
Plus, it'll count toward
his community service.
252
00:09:24,216 --> 00:09:26,476
In a certain way,
we'll be furthering
253
00:09:26,476 --> 00:09:27,816
the cause of justice.
254
00:09:27,816 --> 00:09:30,246
Santiago, breaking the rules
makes you all sweaty.
255
00:09:30,246 --> 00:09:32,586
You can't be okay with this.
256
00:09:32,586 --> 00:09:34,886
These pits are bone-dry.
The drunk sings.
257
00:09:34,886 --> 00:09:37,426
The drunk sings.
258
00:09:37,426 --> 00:09:40,556
Thank you very much.
Did you unbutton another button?
259
00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:42,696
Eyes up here, Jake.
So, did you learn anything,
260
00:09:42,696 --> 00:09:45,226
or were you just staring at
my body the whole time?
261
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,496
Weird, but I did find out
who the manager is,
262
00:09:47,506 --> 00:09:49,206
and I'm almost positive
she's got a key to
263
00:09:49,206 --> 00:09:50,366
the back office on her
right now.
264
00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:51,436
Her name is Svetlana.
265
00:09:51,436 --> 00:09:53,506
Thanks.
I'll take it from here.
266
00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:55,339
Wait, Charles,
she doesn't speak any English,
267
00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:56,746
and we don't wanna
blow our cover.
268
00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,846
Do you speak any Latvian?
Well, I learned a few phrases
269
00:09:58,846 --> 00:10:02,716
for Nikolaj, but I'm not
gonna use words with Svetlana.
270
00:10:02,716 --> 00:10:04,286
Don't say you're
gonna use your musk.
271
00:10:04,286 --> 00:10:06,616
- I'm gonna use my musk.
- Okay.
272
00:10:10,326 --> 00:10:11,756
It's a pretty juicy crowd
out there.
273
00:10:11,756 --> 00:10:13,496
Okay, everyone,
remember your role.
274
00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:15,926
Patrick, solos.
Scully, mouth percussion.
275
00:10:15,926 --> 00:10:18,326
Rosa, mouth percussion.
Amy, silent mouth percussion...
276
00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:19,466
I can't even mouth percuss?
277
00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:21,236
No.
Terry, mouth percussion.
278
00:10:21,236 --> 00:10:23,706
Hitchcock... Stay backstage.
You got it.
279
00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,606
We walk out one by one,
bum-bum-bumming,
280
00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:28,706
then Patrick sings us
to victory.
281
00:10:28,706 --> 00:10:30,676
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for
282
00:10:30,676 --> 00:10:32,346
"the 99th precinct."
283
00:10:34,596 --> 00:10:36,846
♪ Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum ♪
284
00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:41,786
♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪
285
00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,356
Now, Patrick.
Now.
286
00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,856
Mm-mm.
Mm-mm, no, too many people.
287
00:10:48,866 --> 00:10:50,566
Too many.
288
00:10:52,296 --> 00:10:53,796
Sir, say something.
289
00:10:53,796 --> 00:10:57,536
I'm sorry, but there's been
a police emergency.
290
00:10:57,536 --> 00:10:59,376
There's a bomb.
291
00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,876
Not here, far away,
but they still need us.
292
00:11:03,876 --> 00:11:05,846
So... Merry Christmas.
293
00:11:05,846 --> 00:11:09,316
And... Don't think about
the bomb.
294
00:11:09,316 --> 00:11:10,486
Bye.
295
00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:14,356
- That sounded great.
- Not now, Hitchcock.
296
00:11:14,356 --> 00:11:15,756
What the hell happened
out there, Patrick?
297
00:11:15,756 --> 00:11:17,956
I'm really sorry.
There were so many people.
298
00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:19,656
I-I got stage fright.
I don't get it.
299
00:11:19,656 --> 00:11:21,996
You had no problem singing
in front of the entire precinct.
300
00:11:21,996 --> 00:11:23,296
I was drunk.
301
00:11:23,296 --> 00:11:24,996
Alcohol gives me
the courage to sing.
302
00:11:24,996 --> 00:11:26,866
And the courage to
pee on snow people.
303
00:11:26,866 --> 00:11:28,996
Well, well, well.
304
00:11:29,006 --> 00:11:30,406
I made a couple calls,
305
00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:32,306
and imagine my surprise
when I found out
306
00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:34,976
that the only bomb out there
was you guys.
307
00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:37,446
Yeah, well, it looks like
the only train in here
308
00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,416
is the train.
Tell him, Amy.
309
00:11:39,416 --> 00:11:42,716
Train, training,
training wheels.
310
00:11:42,716 --> 00:11:44,616
You're circling,
find it, find it.
311
00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,656
Wheels!
You are wheels.
312
00:11:46,656 --> 00:11:47,786
Nope.
313
00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,766
Fantastic dancer.
314
00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:02,906
Wow, Boyle, you got more moves
than Bobby Fischer
315
00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:04,736
who I saw a documentary
about last week.
316
00:12:04,736 --> 00:12:06,536
Flattery will get you
everywhere, Jake.
317
00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,476
Follow me.
I figure we got 15 minutes
318
00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:09,746
before the pheromones wear off,
319
00:12:09,746 --> 00:12:11,106
and she realizes I took the key.
320
00:12:11,116 --> 00:12:13,476
I was spraying 'em
like a skunk out there.
321
00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:14,746
Ugh.
322
00:12:14,746 --> 00:12:16,586
I got nothing.
No shipping records,
323
00:12:16,586 --> 00:12:18,086
no addresses,
nothing about illegal guns,
324
00:12:18,086 --> 00:12:19,516
and nothing about
captain Latvia.
325
00:12:19,516 --> 00:12:20,886
Well, they're obviously
not gonna broadcast
326
00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,616
what they did with
captain Latvia.
327
00:12:22,626 --> 00:12:24,276
They're not fools.
We should go.
328
00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:25,926
We've been here too long.
This is getting dangerous.
329
00:12:25,926 --> 00:12:28,056
Well, danger is my maiden name.
330
00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:29,896
- Middle name.
- So you better keep looking,
331
00:12:29,896 --> 00:12:32,026
because I'm not gonna
let my kid down, not tonight.
332
00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:33,636
Ugh.
333
00:12:33,636 --> 00:12:34,896
Crap, we've got company.
334
00:12:34,906 --> 00:12:36,066
I told you we had to leave.
335
00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:38,636
I found a tablet.
This could be something.
336
00:12:38,636 --> 00:12:40,606
Hey, thank god you're here.
337
00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:42,046
Do you think
this shirt is offensive?
338
00:12:43,146 --> 00:12:44,146
Do the Riga hammer.
339
00:12:44,146 --> 00:12:45,476
But that's not a real thing.
340
00:12:45,476 --> 00:12:46,716
Ahh!
341
00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:48,046
Jake!
342
00:12:50,886 --> 00:12:52,049
Oh, you wanna
do this in Latvian?
343
00:12:52,056 --> 00:12:53,156
Fine.
344
00:13:00,096 --> 00:13:01,956
Oh!
345
00:13:04,896 --> 00:13:05,936
What were you guys
talking about?
346
00:13:05,936 --> 00:13:07,256
Did he think
the shirt was racist?
347
00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,336
So, pretty crazy how you
348
00:13:10,346 --> 00:13:11,946
took out that Latvian
mob guy back there.
349
00:13:11,946 --> 00:13:14,146
I know, I felt like a
superhero, like the Hulk's mom.
350
00:13:14,146 --> 00:13:17,413
- Why the mom?
- Hey, is there anything
351
00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,350
on that tablet that will
lead us to his toy?
352
00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,126
I don't know, it's locked,
but don't worry.
353
00:13:21,277 --> 00:13:22,677
Our tech guys will
get it open in no time.
354
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:23,507
Pssh, I don't have time
for those dorks.
355
00:13:23,514 --> 00:13:25,518
What?
But you love Ted and Craig.
356
00:13:25,942 --> 00:13:27,246
You fly kites with them
every weekend.
357
00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:28,654
They're good guys.
Give me the damn tablet!
358
00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:29,798
What?
No, Charles, you're driving.
359
00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:32,046
Ugh.
1234? Nope.
360
00:13:32,081 --> 00:13:34,153
5555? Damn it.
Stop.
361
00:13:34,082 --> 00:13:35,777
If you keep getting it wrong,
we're gonna get
362
00:13:35,905 --> 00:13:37,673
locked out forever.
That's a risk I have to take.
363
00:13:38,154 --> 00:13:41,094
Boom, did it, 5683.
Fifth most common
364
00:13:41,094 --> 00:13:42,624
pass code this year.
It spells...
365
00:13:42,624 --> 00:13:44,324
"Love."
"Fart." Yep, "love."
366
00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:45,934
Now find me something
I could use.
367
00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:48,242
Never thought I'd have to say
"a please would be nice,"
368
00:13:48,242 --> 00:13:49,972
but okay.
Oh, here we go.
369
00:13:49,972 --> 00:13:51,212
There are a bunch of messages
370
00:13:51,212 --> 00:13:52,742
about a warehouse
in crown heights.
371
00:13:52,742 --> 00:13:54,082
Crown Heights,
that's where we're going.
372
00:13:54,082 --> 00:13:55,952
Hey, Charles,
373
00:13:55,952 --> 00:13:59,122
that was a yellow light!
I proceeded with caution.
374
00:13:59,122 --> 00:14:03,052
♪ Glory to
the new born king ♪
375
00:14:03,052 --> 00:14:06,062
Those MTA jerks just texted us
a gif of a cartoon
376
00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,032
subway train mooning a cop.
They sent it from the stage.
377
00:14:09,032 --> 00:14:10,892
We cannot let this stand.
378
00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:12,162
But there's no way
we can beat them.
379
00:14:12,162 --> 00:14:13,262
What do we do?
380
00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:14,332
My rapping's still on the table.
381
00:14:14,332 --> 00:14:16,072
It's not even
in the dining room.
382
00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,932
We need a new singer.
383
00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:19,272
I hate to say this,
384
00:14:19,272 --> 00:14:21,242
but I think we should withdraw
from the competition.
385
00:14:21,242 --> 00:14:23,012
Smart, then we can sit
in the audience
386
00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:24,972
and throw batteries
at those MTA-holes.
387
00:14:24,982 --> 00:14:27,482
Guys, personally,
I think we should go out there
388
00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:28,882
and just sing our best.
389
00:14:28,882 --> 00:14:30,312
Caroling isn't about competing.
390
00:14:30,322 --> 00:14:31,852
It's about having fun together.
391
00:14:31,852 --> 00:14:33,022
Well, now that you put it
that way, Scully,
392
00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:35,492
it makes me realize
Rosa and Terry are right.
393
00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:37,252
I say we quit the competition
394
00:14:37,262 --> 00:14:39,222
and hurl projectiles at the MTA.
395
00:14:39,222 --> 00:14:40,362
What's up, y'all?
396
00:14:40,362 --> 00:14:42,292
Guess who just saved your asses?
397
00:14:42,292 --> 00:14:44,182
That's right.
398
00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:46,062
Miss not good enough
to audibly percuss.
399
00:14:46,062 --> 00:14:48,402
- Who?
- Me! I saved the flipping day.
400
00:14:48,402 --> 00:14:50,002
Got Patrick drunk, listen.
401
00:14:50,002 --> 00:14:51,932
♪ I can sing ♪
402
00:14:51,942 --> 00:14:53,872
Are you serious, Santiago?
403
00:14:53,872 --> 00:14:55,512
That is ethically questionable.
404
00:14:56,942 --> 00:14:58,142
Ugh.
405
00:14:58,142 --> 00:15:00,842
It's a bus pooping on
a police car.
406
00:15:00,852 --> 00:15:02,552
Let's beat those bastards.
407
00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:04,512
Okay, this looks like the place.
408
00:15:04,522 --> 00:15:06,382
Now, let's get in there
and take down some bad boys.
409
00:15:06,382 --> 00:15:08,152
Hell yes, let's do that,
in 10 minutes
410
00:15:08,152 --> 00:15:09,992
after backup arrives,
and not until then.
411
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,862
Look, I want this to be
a very special day for Nikolaj.
412
00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:14,392
There's a gang
of armed men in there,
413
00:15:14,392 --> 00:15:15,862
and we've done zero recon.
414
00:15:15,862 --> 00:15:17,232
I won't let you go in,
I mean it.
415
00:15:17,232 --> 00:15:19,802
All right.
416
00:15:19,802 --> 00:15:21,562
We'll wait for back up.
417
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,932
Great, thank you.
418
00:15:32,382 --> 00:15:33,382
Only I'm not waiting.
419
00:15:33,382 --> 00:15:36,082
What?
Charles, no.
420
00:15:36,082 --> 00:15:39,922
Charles, stop scooching.
421
00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,385
I am going to scooch.
You don't tell me
422
00:15:41,392 --> 00:15:43,492
when to scooch.
I can't get by.
423
00:15:43,492 --> 00:15:46,262
Curse my beautiful bubble butt.
See, all Boyle men are blessed
424
00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:48,562
with a flat ass,
which is perfect for scooching.
425
00:15:48,562 --> 00:15:50,495
- Why are you acting this way?
- 'Cause I made a promise
426
00:15:50,502 --> 00:15:52,132
to my son.
You can't understand 'cause
427
00:15:52,132 --> 00:15:53,902
you're not a father.
You never will be.
428
00:15:53,902 --> 00:15:55,532
- Hey, yes, I will!
- When, Jake?
429
00:15:55,532 --> 00:15:56,532
We're all waiting.
430
00:15:56,532 --> 00:15:57,872
What are we even
arguing about now?
431
00:15:57,872 --> 00:15:59,942
It's about me
saving Christmas, duh.
432
00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,942
Oh, damn it,
my pants are snagged,
433
00:16:01,942 --> 00:16:03,972
ha-hah!
Now you have to wait for backup.
434
00:16:03,982 --> 00:16:05,372
No, I don't.
435
00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:08,412
I'm gonna shimmy them off.
436
00:16:08,412 --> 00:16:11,412
Oh, god, the eye contact
is the worst part.
437
00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:15,082
Ah.
438
00:16:15,092 --> 00:16:16,622
I told you, Jake.
439
00:16:16,622 --> 00:16:18,592
I'll do anything
to perk up my little man.
440
00:16:18,592 --> 00:16:21,592
You gotta know how gross
that sounds in your underwear.
441
00:16:21,592 --> 00:16:24,032
Thank you for
allowing us to return.
442
00:16:24,032 --> 00:16:25,432
Turns out there wasn't a bomb.
443
00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:28,532
It was a clock made by an
over-achieving minority student.
444
00:16:28,532 --> 00:16:29,972
What a world we live in.
445
00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:31,372
Now let's sing.
446
00:16:34,042 --> 00:16:37,542
♪ Bum, bum, bum.
Bum, bum, bum. ♪
447
00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:41,982
♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪
448
00:16:41,982 --> 00:16:46,082
♪ Joy to the world,
the lord is come ♪
449
00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:50,022
♪ Let earth receive her king ♪
450
00:16:50,022 --> 00:16:52,362
♪ Let everyone ♪
451
00:16:52,362 --> 00:16:54,662
♪ Eat my farts ♪
452
00:16:56,092 --> 00:16:59,002
Yeah, I said it.
New York City sucks.
453
00:16:59,002 --> 00:17:01,162
Hoboken for life!
Whoo!
454
00:17:04,002 --> 00:17:06,102
Can't talk right now, Jake.
I'm a busy little bee.
455
00:17:06,102 --> 00:17:07,272
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't hang up.
456
00:17:07,272 --> 00:17:08,672
Just tell me what's going on
457
00:17:08,672 --> 00:17:10,475
so I know where to send
backup when it arrives.
458
00:17:10,482 --> 00:17:12,242
Uh, I'm north
of the loading bay.
459
00:17:12,242 --> 00:17:14,382
I have eyes on the shipment.
There are only ten guys.
460
00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:16,082
Only?
That's too many guys.
461
00:17:16,082 --> 00:17:17,282
They're removing guns.
462
00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:18,922
All right, they're taking
the other boxes...
463
00:17:18,922 --> 00:17:20,222
oh, no, they're burning them.
They're gonna
464
00:17:20,222 --> 00:17:22,252
burn captain Latvia.
I have to go right now.
465
00:17:22,252 --> 00:17:24,222
It's too risky.
They have a ton of weapons.
466
00:17:24,222 --> 00:17:25,555
Doesn't matter.
I'm going in there,
467
00:17:25,562 --> 00:17:27,522
and no one can stop me.
468
00:17:29,362 --> 00:17:31,462
The Riga hammer.
It works.
469
00:17:34,532 --> 00:17:35,672
Ugh, where am I?
470
00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:37,402
Why the hell am I wearing pants?
471
00:17:37,402 --> 00:17:40,442
Oh, I put 'em back on you
after I Riga hammered you.
472
00:17:40,442 --> 00:17:42,312
Yeah, it works.
473
00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,572
Insane.
Oh...
474
00:17:43,572 --> 00:17:45,982
Look, I couldn't let you
go in there solo.
475
00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,082
I'm sorry, I feel terrible
for saving your life.
476
00:17:48,082 --> 00:17:49,512
Enough of your dumb apologies,
Jake.
477
00:17:49,512 --> 00:17:51,452
SWAT's here, we have to
move on these guys now.
478
00:17:51,452 --> 00:17:52,982
No, Charles, you
know what I realized
479
00:17:52,982 --> 00:17:54,052
when I saw you
standing over there
480
00:17:54,052 --> 00:17:55,222
in your underwear?
481
00:17:55,222 --> 00:17:56,552
That my butt is like
a sexy piece of drywall?
482
00:17:56,552 --> 00:17:58,292
What?
No, eww.
483
00:17:58,292 --> 00:18:00,122
You guys gonna be much longer?
It's Christmas Eve.
484
00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,962
Just give us one sec, Marv.
485
00:18:01,962 --> 00:18:03,362
No, what I realized is,
the best gift
486
00:18:03,362 --> 00:18:05,562
you can give Nikolaj
is not captain Latvia.
487
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,562
- What?
- It's you, being there
488
00:18:07,572 --> 00:18:10,232
with him, alive.
But I promised him...
489
00:18:10,232 --> 00:18:12,012
Yeah, but you also promised him
490
00:18:12,012 --> 00:18:13,792
you were gonna be his father.
I'm worried
491
00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,572
we're gonna lose tactical.
Back off, Marv, we get it.
492
00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:17,175
- Come on, Marvin.
- Look, we can handle this
493
00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:19,542
without you... just go home.
Thanks, Jake.
494
00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:21,412
And I'm sorry I said
you'll never be a dad.
495
00:18:21,412 --> 00:18:23,652
You will be, and you can
make it happen tonight.
496
00:18:23,652 --> 00:18:26,182
Just go to Amy and make sure
afterwards that she holds
497
00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:27,252
her knees to her chest
for at least...
498
00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:28,522
all right,
I think I'm good on this.
499
00:18:28,522 --> 00:18:30,522
- Okay.
- Yeah.
500
00:18:33,992 --> 00:18:35,762
All right, Marv,
501
00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:36,762
be honest with me.
502
00:18:36,762 --> 00:18:38,092
What do you think of this shirt?
503
00:18:38,102 --> 00:18:39,332
It's a little inappropriate.
504
00:18:39,332 --> 00:18:40,762
I knew it.
All right,
505
00:18:40,772 --> 00:18:42,572
let's just go on three.
Ready?
506
00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:45,632
One, two, go, go, go,
go, go, go.
507
00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:48,042
Once again,
the MTA has bested us.
508
00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:50,172
We should never have trusted
a Hoboken drunk.
509
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:54,542
"Hamilton" was amazing!
510
00:18:54,552 --> 00:18:56,412
How is no one talking about
this musical?
511
00:18:56,412 --> 00:18:58,182
It's so good.
512
00:18:58,182 --> 00:19:02,322
Wow, you guys look more upset
than Aaron burr, sir.
513
00:19:02,322 --> 00:19:03,622
That's from the musical
"Hamilton,"
514
00:19:03,622 --> 00:19:05,392
which I just discovered,
basically.
515
00:19:05,392 --> 00:19:07,092
We lost the caroling
competition.
516
00:19:07,092 --> 00:19:08,322
And now we hate singing.
517
00:19:08,332 --> 00:19:10,262
Almost as much as
we hate the MTA.
518
00:19:10,262 --> 00:19:12,092
Yeah, so we should prank call
their tip line
519
00:19:12,102 --> 00:19:13,702
with a series of
well-crafted insults.
520
00:19:13,702 --> 00:19:16,232
We should toilet paper
their houses.
521
00:19:16,232 --> 00:19:18,802
- With rocks.
- Come on, guys.
522
00:19:18,802 --> 00:19:21,542
Getting back at people isn't
what Christmas is all about.
523
00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:23,542
It's about being together,
as a family.
524
00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:26,312
So you can plot your petty
revenge, but I, for one,
525
00:19:26,312 --> 00:19:29,312
am gonna Carol my heart out.
526
00:19:29,312 --> 00:19:31,052
I'm sorry, I didn't hear
a word you just said.
527
00:19:31,052 --> 00:19:33,222
That stain on your pants looks
exactly like Bryan Cranston.
528
00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:35,052
- That's who it is.
- Ooh, that's right.
529
00:19:35,052 --> 00:19:36,052
Yeah, been staring at it
for an hour.
530
00:19:36,052 --> 00:19:37,052
- That's it.
- Oh.
531
00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:41,422
- Hey.
- Jake, what happened?
532
00:19:41,432 --> 00:19:43,092
Well, we arrested 12 guys,
533
00:19:43,092 --> 00:19:44,792
confiscated 35
automatic weapons,
534
00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:46,302
and I found captain Latvia.
535
00:19:46,302 --> 00:19:48,282
You did?
Oh, my god!
536
00:19:48,282 --> 00:19:50,272
Uh, melted.
I found him extremely melted.
537
00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,602
And grotesque.
Probably should've
538
00:19:51,602 --> 00:19:54,372
strung that together faster.
Well, that's okay.
539
00:19:54,372 --> 00:19:56,312
You taught me that Christmas
isn't about presents.
540
00:19:56,312 --> 00:19:58,472
No, forget all that crap.
Presents rule.
541
00:19:58,482 --> 00:20:01,482
Here, give him this.
From you.
542
00:20:01,482 --> 00:20:04,452
It's a police man,
just like you, papa.
543
00:20:04,452 --> 00:20:06,222
This is the
coolest present ever.
544
00:20:06,222 --> 00:20:08,352
"I'm detective papa,
and I'm going to go
545
00:20:08,352 --> 00:20:11,322
to the farmers market.
I hope they have aged Gouda."
546
00:20:11,322 --> 00:20:14,162
Oh, my god, I'm melting.
547
00:20:14,162 --> 00:20:15,862
I'm literally
turning into a puddle.
548
00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:17,092
Genevieve, hold me.
549
00:20:17,102 --> 00:20:19,102
I got you, babe.
550
00:20:19,102 --> 00:20:22,732
Oh, honey, that flat ass is
perched right on top of my Ute.
551
00:20:22,732 --> 00:20:24,135
I'm gonna pretend
none of that was said
552
00:20:24,142 --> 00:20:25,232
for the sake of the child.
553
00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:29,412
Wait a minute, is that... Scully?
554
00:20:29,412 --> 00:20:31,442
♪ Five golden rings ♪
555
00:20:31,442 --> 00:20:36,182
♪ Four calling birds, three
French hens, two turtle doves ♪
556
00:20:36,182 --> 00:20:40,522
♪ And a partridge
in a pear tree ♪
557
00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:42,492
Hey, guys, thought I'd spread
the Christmas cheer.
558
00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,892
Cool, so you're just
out here caroling solo?
559
00:20:44,892 --> 00:20:46,262
Yeah,
I guess you could say that.
560
00:20:46,262 --> 00:20:48,492
No, you can't.
He's not solo.
561
00:20:48,492 --> 00:20:50,592
- You guys came.
- Damn right we did.
562
00:20:50,602 --> 00:20:53,362
A one, a two,
a one, two, three...
563
00:20:53,362 --> 00:20:58,872
♪ Dashing through the snow
in a one-horse open sleigh ♪
564
00:20:58,872 --> 00:21:01,442
They're really
bad singers, papa.
565
00:21:01,442 --> 00:21:04,442
Yes, they are.
They're horrible.
566
00:21:04,442 --> 00:21:08,312
♪ Bells on bobtail ring,
making spirits ♪
567
00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:11,612
- Not a doctor.
- Shh.