1 00:00:00,471 --> 00:00:02,978 Thank you for joining me for what promises to be 2 00:00:03,114 --> 00:00:06,353 the diggity-dopest tree lighting in the history of the nine-nine. 3 00:00:05,524 --> 00:00:07,059 I don't understand. Where's the tree? 4 00:00:07,195 --> 00:00:09,451 It was inside us all along. Brilliant, Jake. 5 00:00:09,486 --> 00:00:11,375 No, Charles, not everything was inside of us all along. 6 00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:14,115 The tree is right here. 7 00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,515 Cool. Can we go now? 8 00:00:15,515 --> 00:00:17,345 Obviously not. Behold, 9 00:00:17,355 --> 00:00:21,015 the greatest inflatable tree that 'murica has to offer. 10 00:00:21,025 --> 00:00:23,955 And now, in the immortal words of Saint Nick, 11 00:00:23,955 --> 00:00:25,385 turn on the compressor. 12 00:00:27,365 --> 00:00:29,925 You hear that? It's the sound of Christmas. 13 00:00:29,925 --> 00:00:31,365 It's deafening. 14 00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:33,135 It's getting really big. 15 00:00:33,135 --> 00:00:34,495 What size tree did you get? 16 00:00:34,505 --> 00:00:35,965 It's a jumbo. 17 00:00:35,965 --> 00:00:38,005 It says it's ten meters tall. 18 00:00:38,005 --> 00:00:41,005 That's... roughly 32.81 feet. 19 00:00:41,005 --> 00:00:43,145 Someone unplug it, unplug it now. 20 00:00:43,145 --> 00:00:45,175 We can't. It swallowed its own plug! 21 00:00:45,175 --> 00:00:47,275 Everybody run! 22 00:00:51,255 --> 00:00:53,055 Okay, the tree has been contained. 23 00:00:53,055 --> 00:00:54,385 Wait, we left a man behind. 24 00:00:54,385 --> 00:00:56,855 Jake! 25 00:00:56,855 --> 00:00:59,795 Well, Terry's trapped in the break room forever. 26 00:00:59,795 --> 00:01:01,358 Only thing we can do now is move on with our lives. 27 00:01:01,365 --> 00:01:02,495 It's what Terry would've wanted. 28 00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:05,395 Aah! 29 00:01:09,265 --> 00:01:11,205 God bless us, every one? 30 00:01:11,205 --> 00:01:12,275 Yeah! 31 00:01:12,275 --> 00:01:13,505 Yeah! 32 00:01:33,455 --> 00:01:36,595 Ah, the Boyles are here. Good tidings. 33 00:01:36,595 --> 00:01:38,065 Genevieve, hello, you're looking... 34 00:01:38,065 --> 00:01:39,395 sexy as a minx. 35 00:01:39,395 --> 00:01:41,098 I was gonna say "festive," due to the scarf. 36 00:01:41,105 --> 00:01:43,505 The bra underneath is insane. 37 00:01:43,505 --> 00:01:44,765 - It is. - Okay. 38 00:01:44,775 --> 00:01:46,035 Parenthood has not changed you two. 39 00:01:46,035 --> 00:01:47,175 Hey there, Nikolaj, my man. 40 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:48,975 How you doing? Hi, Jake, we made daddy 41 00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:51,245 Latvian Christmas cookies. Want one? 42 00:01:51,245 --> 00:01:53,175 - You bet I do. - The potato really 43 00:01:53,175 --> 00:01:54,578 brings out the vinegar. Neither of those 44 00:01:54,585 --> 00:01:56,245 are cookie things. I'm just gonna put that back. 45 00:01:56,245 --> 00:01:57,985 So, you excited for Christmas, bud? 46 00:01:58,423 --> 00:02:00,623 - Yeah, I'm so excited. - This is Nikolaj's 47 00:02:00,623 --> 00:02:03,463 first Christmas because the orphanage kept cancelling it. 48 00:02:03,463 --> 00:02:06,433 Once it was blizzards, one it was fires, and once it was... 49 00:02:06,433 --> 00:02:07,963 - famine. - That's right, famine. 50 00:02:07,963 --> 00:02:09,503 - Oh. - Papa promised me 51 00:02:09,503 --> 00:02:12,733 the best present ever: A captain Latvia action figure! 52 00:02:12,733 --> 00:02:15,673 Whoa, captain Latvia? What's his superpower? 53 00:02:15,673 --> 00:02:18,303 Can he talk to moose? No, possums. 54 00:02:18,313 --> 00:02:19,813 - Worse. - It's a very difficult toy 55 00:02:19,813 --> 00:02:21,473 to get in America, so I was worried 56 00:02:21,483 --> 00:02:23,643 when Charles told Nikolaj he would get him one. 57 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:25,643 I said, keep it a surprise, so you don't build up 58 00:02:25,653 --> 00:02:27,913 his expectations, but Charles said, "no way", 59 00:02:27,923 --> 00:02:29,983 I want to build expectations." Well, we all remember 60 00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:32,383 the conversation. Well, work time for daddy. 61 00:02:32,393 --> 00:02:35,053 I'll see you guys later. Okay, I love you guys so much. 62 00:02:35,063 --> 00:02:36,323 - Love you. - All right. 63 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:38,563 - Bye. - Christmas is gonna be amazing! 64 00:02:38,563 --> 00:02:40,563 Christmas is gonna suck. I don't have the present. 65 00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:41,893 What? But you promised Nikolaj. 66 00:02:41,903 --> 00:02:44,333 I ordered it a month ago from a Latvian toy store, 67 00:02:44,333 --> 00:02:45,733 and it still hasn't arrived yet. 68 00:02:45,733 --> 00:02:47,673 The shipping company is giving me the runaround. 69 00:02:47,673 --> 00:02:48,836 All right, so just get him a different present, 70 00:02:48,843 --> 00:02:50,703 like a jet ski or... A hammer. 71 00:02:50,713 --> 00:02:51,806 I don't know what kids are into. 72 00:02:51,813 --> 00:02:53,343 Genevieve and I worked so hard 73 00:02:53,343 --> 00:02:55,673 to get Nikolaj to trust us when we brought him home. 74 00:02:55,683 --> 00:02:57,543 That's gonna be destroyed, 75 00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,483 the way dry rot destroyed his orphanage. 76 00:02:59,483 --> 00:03:01,513 - Trust me, it's gonna be fine. - Really? 77 00:03:01,523 --> 00:03:03,983 'Cause you said that about "die hard 5," Jake. 78 00:03:05,423 --> 00:03:06,753 Oh. 79 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,623 It's not gonna be fine. 80 00:03:08,623 --> 00:03:11,093 Finally, let's talk about community outreach. 81 00:03:11,093 --> 00:03:12,693 Does anyone have any ideas about... 82 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:17,833 ♪ fa-la-la-la-la, la la la la ♪ 83 00:03:17,833 --> 00:03:20,103 Who are these golden-throated dorks? 84 00:03:20,103 --> 00:03:21,673 - It's the MTA. - That's right. 85 00:03:21,673 --> 00:03:23,603 The metropolitan transit authority. 86 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,743 I assumed you've climbed out of your rat tunnels 87 00:03:25,743 --> 00:03:28,473 to taunt us about tonight's charity caroling competition. 88 00:03:28,483 --> 00:03:29,883 No, no, no, of course not. 89 00:03:29,883 --> 00:03:32,113 We're here to wish you luck, since every year we... 90 00:03:32,113 --> 00:03:33,883 ♪ Kick...♪ ♪ your ♪ 91 00:03:33,883 --> 00:03:35,413 ♪ butts ♪ 92 00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:37,823 Enough. You may have bested us before, 93 00:03:37,823 --> 00:03:39,893 but throttle back your ambitions. 94 00:03:39,893 --> 00:03:41,653 Our voices are... 95 00:03:41,663 --> 00:03:43,163 - ♪ Better?♪ - ♪ awesome ♪ 96 00:03:43,163 --> 00:03:45,593 - ♪ Sing!♪ - ♪ Scully! ♪ 97 00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,733 That was terrible. 98 00:03:46,733 --> 00:03:47,996 I hope you're more prepared tonight, 99 00:03:48,003 --> 00:03:49,633 or else we'll have to file a missing persons report. 100 00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:51,533 First name: "Your." 101 00:03:51,533 --> 00:03:52,703 Last name: "Dignity." - Mm. 102 00:03:52,703 --> 00:03:54,633 Come on, crew, let's hit the rails and buses. 103 00:03:54,633 --> 00:03:56,573 Both great ways to get around the city. 104 00:03:57,643 --> 00:03:58,903 I hate that we lose to those 105 00:03:58,913 --> 00:04:00,643 pasty-assed mole people every year. 106 00:04:00,643 --> 00:04:02,143 Oh, there's no point in mincing your words. 107 00:04:02,143 --> 00:04:03,583 They're knaves! 108 00:04:03,583 --> 00:04:05,713 Captain, you kiss Kevin with that mouth? 109 00:04:05,713 --> 00:04:07,553 You bet I do. And tonight, 110 00:04:07,553 --> 00:04:09,053 I'm gonna sing with it. 111 00:04:09,053 --> 00:04:11,883 We're taking down the MTA. 112 00:04:17,093 --> 00:04:18,863 - Charles, what are you doing? - Jah-nakeh. 113 00:04:18,863 --> 00:04:20,883 - What? - Jah-keh. 114 00:04:20,883 --> 00:04:22,896 No idea what you're saying. Why aren't you wearing a jacket? 115 00:04:22,903 --> 00:04:24,503 Oh, jacket, got it. 116 00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:27,733 Aw, it's freezing. What are you doing out here? 117 00:04:27,743 --> 00:04:30,143 I'm on the phone with Melvin's import-exports, 118 00:04:30,143 --> 00:04:32,003 the bastards who lost my captain Latvia. 119 00:04:32,013 --> 00:04:33,843 Now wrap me in your arms, I need body heat. 120 00:04:33,843 --> 00:04:35,173 All right. 121 00:04:35,183 --> 00:04:37,113 - And you're nestling. - Ugh, first those jerks said 122 00:04:37,113 --> 00:04:39,113 they lost my package, then they said they found it, 123 00:04:39,113 --> 00:04:40,783 then they had me on hold for three hours. 124 00:04:40,783 --> 00:04:42,616 This is the only place I get reliable reception. 125 00:04:42,623 --> 00:04:44,723 - I'm unwrapping for a sec. - No, why? 126 00:04:44,723 --> 00:04:47,023 'Cause I need my fingers to save the day 127 00:04:47,023 --> 00:04:48,753 like a fricking hero. 128 00:04:48,763 --> 00:04:51,923 And... Boom. Melvin's import is in queens. 129 00:04:51,933 --> 00:04:53,693 Let's just go there right now. Oh, so they could just 130 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,833 walk all over me in person instead of on the phone? 131 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:57,933 Face it, Jake, I'm weak. What? Don't talk like that. 132 00:04:57,933 --> 00:05:00,473 You're very strong, all right? And you're a parent now, 133 00:05:00,473 --> 00:05:01,503 which makes you even stronger. 134 00:05:01,503 --> 00:05:02,773 I mean, think about all those moms 135 00:05:02,773 --> 00:05:04,803 who literally lift buses off their kids every day. 136 00:05:04,813 --> 00:05:06,713 Oh, so you're saying I should 137 00:05:06,713 --> 00:05:08,143 tap into my mommy strength. 138 00:05:08,143 --> 00:05:09,943 Yeah, or daddy strength, but whatever. 139 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:12,683 Right, time to put some daddy into my mommy. 140 00:05:12,683 --> 00:05:14,753 Gotta be a better way to phrase that, let's go. 141 00:05:14,753 --> 00:05:16,583 Okay, let's review our simple harmonies. 142 00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,053 When I point at you, hit your note. 143 00:05:19,053 --> 00:05:22,993 - ♪ La♪ - ♪ la ♪ 144 00:05:22,993 --> 00:05:24,763 ♪La ♪ 145 00:05:24,763 --> 00:05:28,533 ♪ La♪ 146 00:05:28,533 --> 00:05:30,563 Okay. That was horrible. 147 00:05:30,563 --> 00:05:32,133 Because I didn't get a chance to rap. 148 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,133 ♪ Pop, pop, droppin' bodies ♪ 149 00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,136 ♪ It's a stickup you punk a... ♪ 150 00:05:35,143 --> 00:05:37,003 No, Hitchcock, there's no rapping. 151 00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:38,803 You've grossly misread the situation. 152 00:05:38,813 --> 00:05:40,273 Maybe we just need to practice more. 153 00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:42,643 I, for one, felt like I was a teeny bit off. 154 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:43,743 Don't fool yourself, Santiago. 155 00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:45,283 You were the most off of everyone. 156 00:05:45,283 --> 00:05:47,883 That's enough. Sure, we're untrained. 157 00:05:47,883 --> 00:05:50,623 Yes, our voices sound like garbage, 158 00:05:50,623 --> 00:05:53,093 and, yes, the MTA has a huge head start on us, 159 00:05:53,093 --> 00:05:54,753 and it's embarrassing. 160 00:05:54,763 --> 00:05:55,993 But you know what? 161 00:05:55,993 --> 00:05:58,223 We're the nine-nine. 162 00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:01,033 And nothing can stand in our way. 163 00:06:01,033 --> 00:06:02,133 She's right. 164 00:06:02,133 --> 00:06:03,863 We're gonna beat their butts tonight. 165 00:06:03,863 --> 00:06:04,863 Oh, tonight? 166 00:06:04,873 --> 00:06:05,863 Tonight, tonight? 167 00:06:05,873 --> 00:06:07,573 Yeah, I can't. 168 00:06:07,573 --> 00:06:09,273 I have "Hamilton" tickets. Oh, well. 169 00:06:09,273 --> 00:06:10,303 Good luck. Peace. 170 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,943 I'm out too. 171 00:06:11,943 --> 00:06:13,643 I mean, if we're just gonna be humiliated, I don't s... 172 00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:14,913 wait, shut up. Did you just tell 173 00:06:14,913 --> 00:06:17,143 yourself to shut up? Yeah, now you shut up too. 174 00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,943 - Listen. - ♪ mother and child... ♪ 175 00:06:18,953 --> 00:06:21,583 - You hear that? - It's an angel 176 00:06:21,583 --> 00:06:23,183 who will save us. 177 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:24,783 ♪ Tender and mild... ♪ 178 00:06:24,793 --> 00:06:26,623 It's coming from the bullpen. 179 00:06:26,623 --> 00:06:30,693 ♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪ 180 00:06:30,693 --> 00:06:31,893 Who's singing? 181 00:06:31,893 --> 00:06:33,293 Is it one of the uniformed officers? 182 00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:35,093 No, it is not. 183 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,263 ♪ Heavenly peace ♪ 184 00:06:38,273 --> 00:06:41,173 - Our angel's a criminal. - And our angel is drunk. 185 00:06:43,343 --> 00:06:45,673 The angel puked. 186 00:06:45,673 --> 00:06:48,673 - Hey, you Melvin? - I am, who are you? 187 00:06:48,683 --> 00:06:52,143 I'm Charles, from being on hold, and I want my package. 188 00:06:52,153 --> 00:06:54,153 Yeah, I already told you, that package isn't here. 189 00:06:54,153 --> 00:06:56,153 Well, I made a sacred promise to my son, and you're not 190 00:06:56,153 --> 00:06:59,323 gonna make a liar out of me, so why don't you take another look? 191 00:06:59,323 --> 00:07:03,593 We'll wait. 'Cause we've got all... 192 00:07:03,593 --> 00:07:07,133 Night... Long. 193 00:07:07,133 --> 00:07:08,763 - Damn. - Oh, I don't know 194 00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,703 if you knew this, but... I'm a cop. 195 00:07:10,703 --> 00:07:13,003 So maybe this time, don't lie to me. 196 00:07:13,003 --> 00:07:14,673 Hey, I didn't know you guys were police. 197 00:07:14,673 --> 00:07:17,303 Well, now you do, genius. 198 00:07:18,873 --> 00:07:20,373 - How do you keep doing that? - I don't know. 199 00:07:20,373 --> 00:07:22,243 All right, all right, hold on. Look, there's a Latvian gang, 200 00:07:22,243 --> 00:07:24,683 okay, the gals skepu. They smuggle guns 201 00:07:24,683 --> 00:07:26,013 in containers that come from Latvia. 202 00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:27,853 Sometimes there's other packages that get lost 203 00:07:27,853 --> 00:07:29,983 in the process, okay? If you want to find yours, 204 00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,253 you gotta find them. Gunrunning gangsters, huh? 205 00:07:32,253 --> 00:07:34,923 Well, looks like we're gonna take down the Latvian mob. 206 00:07:34,923 --> 00:07:37,163 Hell yeah, we are. 207 00:07:37,163 --> 00:07:40,633 Is it bleeding? 208 00:07:40,633 --> 00:07:41,833 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - Charles, is it bleeding? 209 00:07:41,833 --> 00:07:43,313 - Thanks, Melvin. - I want a band-aid. 210 00:07:45,803 --> 00:07:47,133 - Hey. - Hey. 211 00:07:47,133 --> 00:07:48,803 I just talked to Crawford from organized crime. 212 00:07:48,803 --> 00:07:50,773 Apparently, the gals skepu are major gun-runners 213 00:07:50,773 --> 00:07:52,106 on the east coast. Their leader's got 214 00:07:52,113 --> 00:07:54,343 an office in the back. Also, great chest hair. 215 00:07:54,343 --> 00:07:56,843 Ah, Genevieve calls it "the plume of Boyle." 216 00:07:56,843 --> 00:07:58,243 Aww, that's so yucky. 217 00:07:58,253 --> 00:08:00,353 Hey, do you think this shirt is offensive? 218 00:08:00,353 --> 00:08:02,213 I'm just not sure how it fits into my ensemble. 219 00:08:02,223 --> 00:08:03,223 Come on, focus, Jake. 220 00:08:03,223 --> 00:08:05,183 My boy's happiness is at stake. 221 00:08:05,193 --> 00:08:07,123 I mean, read the email Genevieve just sent me. 222 00:08:07,123 --> 00:08:08,423 Skip the part about her bra. 223 00:08:08,423 --> 00:08:10,223 Impossible, it's in all caps, bolded. 224 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:12,023 - Oh. - Here we go: "Nik-Nik is so" 225 00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:13,863 excited you're getting him captain Latvia." 226 00:08:13,863 --> 00:08:15,993 And then there's a photo of him karate chopping a cat. 227 00:08:16,003 --> 00:08:18,863 Oh, yeah, that's captain Latvia's move, the Riga hammer. 228 00:08:18,873 --> 00:08:20,803 You hit a guy here, he goes down instantly. 229 00:08:20,803 --> 00:08:22,403 - Sounds a little far-fetched. - Okay, well, tell that 230 00:08:22,403 --> 00:08:24,703 to captain Latvia's enemies. Oh, wait, you can't 231 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,943 because they're unconscious. Okay, the door is guarded 232 00:08:26,943 --> 00:08:28,743 by the mob. You wanna figure out our plan? 233 00:08:28,743 --> 00:08:30,143 Already did. 234 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,413 Mommy's gonna talk her way in. 235 00:08:33,456 --> 00:08:36,296 Hey there, jokers. I got a joke for you: 236 00:08:36,296 --> 00:08:40,336 What did one Estonian farmer say to the other? 237 00:08:40,336 --> 00:08:43,206 Our crop yields are so much smaller 238 00:08:43,206 --> 00:08:45,766 than that of mighty Latvia. 239 00:08:53,476 --> 00:08:56,146 Okay. Come on in. 240 00:08:56,146 --> 00:08:58,786 Oh, laughing is fun. 241 00:08:58,786 --> 00:09:01,616 The question on the table is, do we add a velvet-voiced 242 00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:05,286 drunkard to our caroling group, or do we lose miserably like 243 00:09:05,296 --> 00:09:07,596 a bunch of miserable losers? 244 00:09:07,596 --> 00:09:09,796 I say we do it, and I'm the boss. 245 00:09:09,796 --> 00:09:11,796 Therefore, meeting adjourned. 246 00:09:11,796 --> 00:09:14,836 I can't believe you're even considering this, captain. 247 00:09:14,836 --> 00:09:16,336 The guy's a criminal. 248 00:09:16,336 --> 00:09:18,466 Barely. It was public intoxication. 249 00:09:18,476 --> 00:09:20,736 All he did was pee on a couple snowmen. 250 00:09:20,746 --> 00:09:21,936 And one regular man. 251 00:09:21,946 --> 00:09:24,206 Plus, it'll count toward his community service. 252 00:09:24,216 --> 00:09:26,476 In a certain way, we'll be furthering 253 00:09:26,476 --> 00:09:27,816 the cause of justice. 254 00:09:27,816 --> 00:09:30,246 Santiago, breaking the rules makes you all sweaty. 255 00:09:30,246 --> 00:09:32,586 You can't be okay with this. 256 00:09:32,586 --> 00:09:34,886 These pits are bone-dry. The drunk sings. 257 00:09:34,886 --> 00:09:37,426 The drunk sings. 258 00:09:37,426 --> 00:09:40,556 Thank you very much. Did you unbutton another button? 259 00:09:40,566 --> 00:09:42,696 Eyes up here, Jake. So, did you learn anything, 260 00:09:42,696 --> 00:09:45,226 or were you just staring at my body the whole time? 261 00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,496 Weird, but I did find out who the manager is, 262 00:09:47,506 --> 00:09:49,206 and I'm almost positive she's got a key to 263 00:09:49,206 --> 00:09:50,366 the back office on her right now. 264 00:09:50,366 --> 00:09:51,436 Her name is Svetlana. 265 00:09:51,436 --> 00:09:53,506 Thanks. I'll take it from here. 266 00:09:53,506 --> 00:09:55,339 Wait, Charles, she doesn't speak any English, 267 00:09:55,346 --> 00:09:56,746 and we don't wanna blow our cover. 268 00:09:56,746 --> 00:09:58,846 Do you speak any Latvian? Well, I learned a few phrases 269 00:09:58,846 --> 00:10:02,716 for Nikolaj, but I'm not gonna use words with Svetlana. 270 00:10:02,716 --> 00:10:04,286 Don't say you're gonna use your musk. 271 00:10:04,286 --> 00:10:06,616 - I'm gonna use my musk. - Okay. 272 00:10:10,326 --> 00:10:11,756 It's a pretty juicy crowd out there. 273 00:10:11,756 --> 00:10:13,496 Okay, everyone, remember your role. 274 00:10:13,496 --> 00:10:15,926 Patrick, solos. Scully, mouth percussion. 275 00:10:15,926 --> 00:10:18,326 Rosa, mouth percussion. Amy, silent mouth percussion... 276 00:10:18,336 --> 00:10:19,466 I can't even mouth percuss? 277 00:10:19,466 --> 00:10:21,236 No. Terry, mouth percussion. 278 00:10:21,236 --> 00:10:23,706 Hitchcock... Stay backstage. You got it. 279 00:10:23,706 --> 00:10:26,606 We walk out one by one, bum-bum-bumming, 280 00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:28,706 then Patrick sings us to victory. 281 00:10:28,706 --> 00:10:30,676 Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for 282 00:10:30,676 --> 00:10:32,346 "the 99th precinct." 283 00:10:34,596 --> 00:10:36,846 ♪ Bum, bum, bum bum, bum, bum ♪ 284 00:10:36,846 --> 00:10:41,786 ♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪ 285 00:10:44,426 --> 00:10:46,356 Now, Patrick. Now. 286 00:10:46,356 --> 00:10:48,856 Mm-mm. Mm-mm, no, too many people. 287 00:10:48,866 --> 00:10:50,566 Too many. 288 00:10:52,296 --> 00:10:53,796 Sir, say something. 289 00:10:53,796 --> 00:10:57,536 I'm sorry, but there's been a police emergency. 290 00:10:57,536 --> 00:10:59,376 There's a bomb. 291 00:11:00,536 --> 00:11:03,876 Not here, far away, but they still need us. 292 00:11:03,876 --> 00:11:05,846 So... Merry Christmas. 293 00:11:05,846 --> 00:11:09,316 And... Don't think about the bomb. 294 00:11:09,316 --> 00:11:10,486 Bye. 295 00:11:10,486 --> 00:11:14,356 - That sounded great. - Not now, Hitchcock. 296 00:11:14,356 --> 00:11:15,756 What the hell happened out there, Patrick? 297 00:11:15,756 --> 00:11:17,956 I'm really sorry. There were so many people. 298 00:11:17,956 --> 00:11:19,656 I-I got stage fright. I don't get it. 299 00:11:19,656 --> 00:11:21,996 You had no problem singing in front of the entire precinct. 300 00:11:21,996 --> 00:11:23,296 I was drunk. 301 00:11:23,296 --> 00:11:24,996 Alcohol gives me the courage to sing. 302 00:11:24,996 --> 00:11:26,866 And the courage to pee on snow people. 303 00:11:26,866 --> 00:11:28,996 Well, well, well. 304 00:11:29,006 --> 00:11:30,406 I made a couple calls, 305 00:11:30,406 --> 00:11:32,306 and imagine my surprise when I found out 306 00:11:32,306 --> 00:11:34,976 that the only bomb out there was you guys. 307 00:11:34,976 --> 00:11:37,446 Yeah, well, it looks like the only train in here 308 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:39,416 is the train. Tell him, Amy. 309 00:11:39,416 --> 00:11:42,716 Train, training, training wheels. 310 00:11:42,716 --> 00:11:44,616 You're circling, find it, find it. 311 00:11:44,616 --> 00:11:46,656 Wheels! You are wheels. 312 00:11:46,656 --> 00:11:47,786 Nope. 313 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,766 Fantastic dancer. 314 00:12:00,036 --> 00:12:02,906 Wow, Boyle, you got more moves than Bobby Fischer 315 00:12:02,906 --> 00:12:04,736 who I saw a documentary about last week. 316 00:12:04,736 --> 00:12:06,536 Flattery will get you everywhere, Jake. 317 00:12:06,536 --> 00:12:08,476 Follow me. I figure we got 15 minutes 318 00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:09,746 before the pheromones wear off, 319 00:12:09,746 --> 00:12:11,106 and she realizes I took the key. 320 00:12:11,116 --> 00:12:13,476 I was spraying 'em like a skunk out there. 321 00:12:13,476 --> 00:12:14,746 Ugh. 322 00:12:14,746 --> 00:12:16,586 I got nothing. No shipping records, 323 00:12:16,586 --> 00:12:18,086 no addresses, nothing about illegal guns, 324 00:12:18,086 --> 00:12:19,516 and nothing about captain Latvia. 325 00:12:19,516 --> 00:12:20,886 Well, they're obviously not gonna broadcast 326 00:12:20,886 --> 00:12:22,616 what they did with captain Latvia. 327 00:12:22,626 --> 00:12:24,276 They're not fools. We should go. 328 00:12:24,276 --> 00:12:25,926 We've been here too long. This is getting dangerous. 329 00:12:25,926 --> 00:12:28,056 Well, danger is my maiden name. 330 00:12:28,066 --> 00:12:29,896 - Middle name. - So you better keep looking, 331 00:12:29,896 --> 00:12:32,026 because I'm not gonna let my kid down, not tonight. 332 00:12:32,036 --> 00:12:33,636 Ugh. 333 00:12:33,636 --> 00:12:34,896 Crap, we've got company. 334 00:12:34,906 --> 00:12:36,066 I told you we had to leave. 335 00:12:36,066 --> 00:12:38,636 I found a tablet. This could be something. 336 00:12:38,636 --> 00:12:40,606 Hey, thank god you're here. 337 00:12:40,606 --> 00:12:42,046 Do you think this shirt is offensive? 338 00:12:43,146 --> 00:12:44,146 Do the Riga hammer. 339 00:12:44,146 --> 00:12:45,476 But that's not a real thing. 340 00:12:45,476 --> 00:12:46,716 Ahh! 341 00:12:46,716 --> 00:12:48,046 Jake! 342 00:12:50,886 --> 00:12:52,049 Oh, you wanna do this in Latvian? 343 00:12:52,056 --> 00:12:53,156 Fine. 344 00:13:00,096 --> 00:13:01,956 Oh! 345 00:13:04,896 --> 00:13:05,936 What were you guys talking about? 346 00:13:05,936 --> 00:13:07,256 Did he think the shirt was racist? 347 00:13:08,706 --> 00:13:10,336 So, pretty crazy how you 348 00:13:10,346 --> 00:13:11,946 took out that Latvian mob guy back there. 349 00:13:11,946 --> 00:13:14,146 I know, I felt like a superhero, like the Hulk's mom. 350 00:13:14,146 --> 00:13:17,413 - Why the mom? - Hey, is there anything 351 00:13:17,590 --> 00:13:19,350 on that tablet that will lead us to his toy? 352 00:13:19,598 --> 00:13:21,126 I don't know, it's locked, but don't worry. 353 00:13:21,277 --> 00:13:22,677 Our tech guys will get it open in no time. 354 00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:23,507 Pssh, I don't have time for those dorks. 355 00:13:23,514 --> 00:13:25,518 What? But you love Ted and Craig. 356 00:13:25,942 --> 00:13:27,246 You fly kites with them every weekend. 357 00:13:27,366 --> 00:13:28,654 They're good guys. Give me the damn tablet! 358 00:13:28,910 --> 00:13:29,798 What? No, Charles, you're driving. 359 00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:32,046 Ugh. 1234? Nope. 360 00:13:32,081 --> 00:13:34,153 5555? Damn it. Stop. 361 00:13:34,082 --> 00:13:35,777 If you keep getting it wrong, we're gonna get 362 00:13:35,905 --> 00:13:37,673 locked out forever. That's a risk I have to take. 363 00:13:38,154 --> 00:13:41,094 Boom, did it, 5683. Fifth most common 364 00:13:41,094 --> 00:13:42,624 pass code this year. It spells... 365 00:13:42,624 --> 00:13:44,324 "Love." "Fart." Yep, "love." 366 00:13:44,334 --> 00:13:45,934 Now find me something I could use. 367 00:13:46,642 --> 00:13:48,242 Never thought I'd have to say "a please would be nice," 368 00:13:48,242 --> 00:13:49,972 but okay. Oh, here we go. 369 00:13:49,972 --> 00:13:51,212 There are a bunch of messages 370 00:13:51,212 --> 00:13:52,742 about a warehouse in crown heights. 371 00:13:52,742 --> 00:13:54,082 Crown Heights, that's where we're going. 372 00:13:54,082 --> 00:13:55,952 Hey, Charles, 373 00:13:55,952 --> 00:13:59,122 that was a yellow light! I proceeded with caution. 374 00:13:59,122 --> 00:14:03,052 ♪ Glory to the new born king ♪ 375 00:14:03,052 --> 00:14:06,062 Those MTA jerks just texted us a gif of a cartoon 376 00:14:06,062 --> 00:14:09,032 subway train mooning a cop. They sent it from the stage. 377 00:14:09,032 --> 00:14:10,892 We cannot let this stand. 378 00:14:10,902 --> 00:14:12,162 But there's no way we can beat them. 379 00:14:12,162 --> 00:14:13,262 What do we do? 380 00:14:13,262 --> 00:14:14,332 My rapping's still on the table. 381 00:14:14,332 --> 00:14:16,072 It's not even in the dining room. 382 00:14:16,072 --> 00:14:17,932 We need a new singer. 383 00:14:17,942 --> 00:14:19,272 I hate to say this, 384 00:14:19,272 --> 00:14:21,242 but I think we should withdraw from the competition. 385 00:14:21,242 --> 00:14:23,012 Smart, then we can sit in the audience 386 00:14:23,012 --> 00:14:24,972 and throw batteries at those MTA-holes. 387 00:14:24,982 --> 00:14:27,482 Guys, personally, I think we should go out there 388 00:14:27,482 --> 00:14:28,882 and just sing our best. 389 00:14:28,882 --> 00:14:30,312 Caroling isn't about competing. 390 00:14:30,322 --> 00:14:31,852 It's about having fun together. 391 00:14:31,852 --> 00:14:33,022 Well, now that you put it that way, Scully, 392 00:14:33,022 --> 00:14:35,492 it makes me realize Rosa and Terry are right. 393 00:14:35,492 --> 00:14:37,252 I say we quit the competition 394 00:14:37,262 --> 00:14:39,222 and hurl projectiles at the MTA. 395 00:14:39,222 --> 00:14:40,362 What's up, y'all? 396 00:14:40,362 --> 00:14:42,292 Guess who just saved your asses? 397 00:14:42,292 --> 00:14:44,182 That's right. 398 00:14:44,182 --> 00:14:46,062 Miss not good enough to audibly percuss. 399 00:14:46,062 --> 00:14:48,402 - Who? - Me! I saved the flipping day. 400 00:14:48,402 --> 00:14:50,002 Got Patrick drunk, listen. 401 00:14:50,002 --> 00:14:51,932 ♪ I can sing ♪ 402 00:14:51,942 --> 00:14:53,872 Are you serious, Santiago? 403 00:14:53,872 --> 00:14:55,512 That is ethically questionable. 404 00:14:56,942 --> 00:14:58,142 Ugh. 405 00:14:58,142 --> 00:15:00,842 It's a bus pooping on a police car. 406 00:15:00,852 --> 00:15:02,552 Let's beat those bastards. 407 00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:04,512 Okay, this looks like the place. 408 00:15:04,522 --> 00:15:06,382 Now, let's get in there and take down some bad boys. 409 00:15:06,382 --> 00:15:08,152 Hell yes, let's do that, in 10 minutes 410 00:15:08,152 --> 00:15:09,992 after backup arrives, and not until then. 411 00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,862 Look, I want this to be a very special day for Nikolaj. 412 00:15:12,862 --> 00:15:14,392 There's a gang of armed men in there, 413 00:15:14,392 --> 00:15:15,862 and we've done zero recon. 414 00:15:15,862 --> 00:15:17,232 I won't let you go in, I mean it. 415 00:15:17,232 --> 00:15:19,802 All right. 416 00:15:19,802 --> 00:15:21,562 We'll wait for back up. 417 00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:22,932 Great, thank you. 418 00:15:32,382 --> 00:15:33,382 Only I'm not waiting. 419 00:15:33,382 --> 00:15:36,082 What? Charles, no. 420 00:15:36,082 --> 00:15:39,922 Charles, stop scooching. 421 00:15:39,922 --> 00:15:41,385 I am going to scooch. You don't tell me 422 00:15:41,392 --> 00:15:43,492 when to scooch. I can't get by. 423 00:15:43,492 --> 00:15:46,262 Curse my beautiful bubble butt. See, all Boyle men are blessed 424 00:15:46,262 --> 00:15:48,562 with a flat ass, which is perfect for scooching. 425 00:15:48,562 --> 00:15:50,495 - Why are you acting this way? - 'Cause I made a promise 426 00:15:50,502 --> 00:15:52,132 to my son. You can't understand 'cause 427 00:15:52,132 --> 00:15:53,902 you're not a father. You never will be. 428 00:15:53,902 --> 00:15:55,532 - Hey, yes, I will! - When, Jake? 429 00:15:55,532 --> 00:15:56,532 We're all waiting. 430 00:15:56,532 --> 00:15:57,872 What are we even arguing about now? 431 00:15:57,872 --> 00:15:59,942 It's about me saving Christmas, duh. 432 00:15:59,942 --> 00:16:01,942 Oh, damn it, my pants are snagged, 433 00:16:01,942 --> 00:16:03,972 ha-hah! Now you have to wait for backup. 434 00:16:03,982 --> 00:16:05,372 No, I don't. 435 00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:08,412 I'm gonna shimmy them off. 436 00:16:08,412 --> 00:16:11,412 Oh, god, the eye contact is the worst part. 437 00:16:12,452 --> 00:16:15,082 Ah. 438 00:16:15,092 --> 00:16:16,622 I told you, Jake. 439 00:16:16,622 --> 00:16:18,592 I'll do anything to perk up my little man. 440 00:16:18,592 --> 00:16:21,592 You gotta know how gross that sounds in your underwear. 441 00:16:21,592 --> 00:16:24,032 Thank you for allowing us to return. 442 00:16:24,032 --> 00:16:25,432 Turns out there wasn't a bomb. 443 00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:28,532 It was a clock made by an over-achieving minority student. 444 00:16:28,532 --> 00:16:29,972 What a world we live in. 445 00:16:29,972 --> 00:16:31,372 Now let's sing. 446 00:16:34,042 --> 00:16:37,542 ♪ Bum, bum, bum. Bum, bum, bum. ♪ 447 00:16:37,542 --> 00:16:41,982 ♪ Bum, bum, buuum ♪ 448 00:16:41,982 --> 00:16:46,082 ♪ Joy to the world, the lord is come ♪ 449 00:16:46,082 --> 00:16:50,022 ♪ Let earth receive her king ♪ 450 00:16:50,022 --> 00:16:52,362 ♪ Let everyone ♪ 451 00:16:52,362 --> 00:16:54,662 ♪ Eat my farts ♪ 452 00:16:56,092 --> 00:16:59,002 Yeah, I said it. New York City sucks. 453 00:16:59,002 --> 00:17:01,162 Hoboken for life! Whoo! 454 00:17:04,002 --> 00:17:06,102 Can't talk right now, Jake. I'm a busy little bee. 455 00:17:06,102 --> 00:17:07,272 Wait, wait, wait. Don't hang up. 456 00:17:07,272 --> 00:17:08,672 Just tell me what's going on 457 00:17:08,672 --> 00:17:10,475 so I know where to send backup when it arrives. 458 00:17:10,482 --> 00:17:12,242 Uh, I'm north of the loading bay. 459 00:17:12,242 --> 00:17:14,382 I have eyes on the shipment. There are only ten guys. 460 00:17:14,382 --> 00:17:16,082 Only? That's too many guys. 461 00:17:16,082 --> 00:17:17,282 They're removing guns. 462 00:17:17,282 --> 00:17:18,922 All right, they're taking the other boxes... 463 00:17:18,922 --> 00:17:20,222 oh, no, they're burning them. They're gonna 464 00:17:20,222 --> 00:17:22,252 burn captain Latvia. I have to go right now. 465 00:17:22,252 --> 00:17:24,222 It's too risky. They have a ton of weapons. 466 00:17:24,222 --> 00:17:25,555 Doesn't matter. I'm going in there, 467 00:17:25,562 --> 00:17:27,522 and no one can stop me. 468 00:17:29,362 --> 00:17:31,462 The Riga hammer. It works. 469 00:17:34,532 --> 00:17:35,672 Ugh, where am I? 470 00:17:35,672 --> 00:17:37,402 Why the hell am I wearing pants? 471 00:17:37,402 --> 00:17:40,442 Oh, I put 'em back on you after I Riga hammered you. 472 00:17:40,442 --> 00:17:42,312 Yeah, it works. 473 00:17:42,312 --> 00:17:43,572 Insane. Oh... 474 00:17:43,572 --> 00:17:45,982 Look, I couldn't let you go in there solo. 475 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:48,082 I'm sorry, I feel terrible for saving your life. 476 00:17:48,082 --> 00:17:49,512 Enough of your dumb apologies, Jake. 477 00:17:49,512 --> 00:17:51,452 SWAT's here, we have to move on these guys now. 478 00:17:51,452 --> 00:17:52,982 No, Charles, you know what I realized 479 00:17:52,982 --> 00:17:54,052 when I saw you standing over there 480 00:17:54,052 --> 00:17:55,222 in your underwear? 481 00:17:55,222 --> 00:17:56,552 That my butt is like a sexy piece of drywall? 482 00:17:56,552 --> 00:17:58,292 What? No, eww. 483 00:17:58,292 --> 00:18:00,122 You guys gonna be much longer? It's Christmas Eve. 484 00:18:00,122 --> 00:18:01,962 Just give us one sec, Marv. 485 00:18:01,962 --> 00:18:03,362 No, what I realized is, the best gift 486 00:18:03,362 --> 00:18:05,562 you can give Nikolaj is not captain Latvia. 487 00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:07,562 - What? - It's you, being there 488 00:18:07,572 --> 00:18:10,232 with him, alive. But I promised him... 489 00:18:10,232 --> 00:18:12,012 Yeah, but you also promised him 490 00:18:12,012 --> 00:18:13,792 you were gonna be his father. I'm worried 491 00:18:13,792 --> 00:18:15,572 we're gonna lose tactical. Back off, Marv, we get it. 492 00:18:15,572 --> 00:18:17,175 - Come on, Marvin. - Look, we can handle this 493 00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:19,542 without you... just go home. Thanks, Jake. 494 00:18:19,542 --> 00:18:21,412 And I'm sorry I said you'll never be a dad. 495 00:18:21,412 --> 00:18:23,652 You will be, and you can make it happen tonight. 496 00:18:23,652 --> 00:18:26,182 Just go to Amy and make sure afterwards that she holds 497 00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:27,252 her knees to her chest for at least... 498 00:18:27,252 --> 00:18:28,522 all right, I think I'm good on this. 499 00:18:28,522 --> 00:18:30,522 - Okay. - Yeah. 500 00:18:33,992 --> 00:18:35,762 All right, Marv, 501 00:18:35,762 --> 00:18:36,762 be honest with me. 502 00:18:36,762 --> 00:18:38,092 What do you think of this shirt? 503 00:18:38,102 --> 00:18:39,332 It's a little inappropriate. 504 00:18:39,332 --> 00:18:40,762 I knew it. All right, 505 00:18:40,772 --> 00:18:42,572 let's just go on three. Ready? 506 00:18:42,572 --> 00:18:45,632 One, two, go, go, go, go, go, go. 507 00:18:45,642 --> 00:18:48,042 Once again, the MTA has bested us. 508 00:18:48,042 --> 00:18:50,172 We should never have trusted a Hoboken drunk. 509 00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:54,542 "Hamilton" was amazing! 510 00:18:54,552 --> 00:18:56,412 How is no one talking about this musical? 511 00:18:56,412 --> 00:18:58,182 It's so good. 512 00:18:58,182 --> 00:19:02,322 Wow, you guys look more upset than Aaron burr, sir. 513 00:19:02,322 --> 00:19:03,622 That's from the musical "Hamilton," 514 00:19:03,622 --> 00:19:05,392 which I just discovered, basically. 515 00:19:05,392 --> 00:19:07,092 We lost the caroling competition. 516 00:19:07,092 --> 00:19:08,322 And now we hate singing. 517 00:19:08,332 --> 00:19:10,262 Almost as much as we hate the MTA. 518 00:19:10,262 --> 00:19:12,092 Yeah, so we should prank call their tip line 519 00:19:12,102 --> 00:19:13,702 with a series of well-crafted insults. 520 00:19:13,702 --> 00:19:16,232 We should toilet paper their houses. 521 00:19:16,232 --> 00:19:18,802 - With rocks. - Come on, guys. 522 00:19:18,802 --> 00:19:21,542 Getting back at people isn't what Christmas is all about. 523 00:19:21,542 --> 00:19:23,542 It's about being together, as a family. 524 00:19:23,542 --> 00:19:26,312 So you can plot your petty revenge, but I, for one, 525 00:19:26,312 --> 00:19:29,312 am gonna Carol my heart out. 526 00:19:29,312 --> 00:19:31,052 I'm sorry, I didn't hear a word you just said. 527 00:19:31,052 --> 00:19:33,222 That stain on your pants looks exactly like Bryan Cranston. 528 00:19:33,222 --> 00:19:35,052 - That's who it is. - Ooh, that's right. 529 00:19:35,052 --> 00:19:36,052 Yeah, been staring at it for an hour. 530 00:19:36,052 --> 00:19:37,052 - That's it. - Oh. 531 00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:41,422 - Hey. - Jake, what happened? 532 00:19:41,432 --> 00:19:43,092 Well, we arrested 12 guys, 533 00:19:43,092 --> 00:19:44,792 confiscated 35 automatic weapons, 534 00:19:44,802 --> 00:19:46,302 and I found captain Latvia. 535 00:19:46,302 --> 00:19:48,282 You did? Oh, my god! 536 00:19:48,282 --> 00:19:50,272 Uh, melted. I found him extremely melted. 537 00:19:50,272 --> 00:19:51,602 And grotesque. Probably should've 538 00:19:51,602 --> 00:19:54,372 strung that together faster. Well, that's okay. 539 00:19:54,372 --> 00:19:56,312 You taught me that Christmas isn't about presents. 540 00:19:56,312 --> 00:19:58,472 No, forget all that crap. Presents rule. 541 00:19:58,482 --> 00:20:01,482 Here, give him this. From you. 542 00:20:01,482 --> 00:20:04,452 It's a police man, just like you, papa. 543 00:20:04,452 --> 00:20:06,222 This is the coolest present ever. 544 00:20:06,222 --> 00:20:08,352 "I'm detective papa, and I'm going to go 545 00:20:08,352 --> 00:20:11,322 to the farmers market. I hope they have aged Gouda." 546 00:20:11,322 --> 00:20:14,162 Oh, my god, I'm melting. 547 00:20:14,162 --> 00:20:15,862 I'm literally turning into a puddle. 548 00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:17,092 Genevieve, hold me. 549 00:20:17,102 --> 00:20:19,102 I got you, babe. 550 00:20:19,102 --> 00:20:22,732 Oh, honey, that flat ass is perched right on top of my Ute. 551 00:20:22,732 --> 00:20:24,135 I'm gonna pretend none of that was said 552 00:20:24,142 --> 00:20:25,232 for the sake of the child. 553 00:20:26,602 --> 00:20:29,412 Wait a minute, is that... Scully? 554 00:20:29,412 --> 00:20:31,442 ♪ Five golden rings ♪ 555 00:20:31,442 --> 00:20:36,182 ♪ Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves ♪ 556 00:20:36,182 --> 00:20:40,522 ♪ And a partridge in a pear tree ♪ 557 00:20:40,522 --> 00:20:42,492 Hey, guys, thought I'd spread the Christmas cheer. 558 00:20:42,492 --> 00:20:44,892 Cool, so you're just out here caroling solo? 559 00:20:44,892 --> 00:20:46,262 Yeah, I guess you could say that. 560 00:20:46,262 --> 00:20:48,492 No, you can't. He's not solo. 561 00:20:48,492 --> 00:20:50,592 - You guys came. - Damn right we did. 562 00:20:50,602 --> 00:20:53,362 A one, a two, a one, two, three... 563 00:20:53,362 --> 00:20:58,872 ♪ Dashing through the snow in a one-horse open sleigh ♪ 564 00:20:58,872 --> 00:21:01,442 They're really bad singers, papa. 565 00:21:01,442 --> 00:21:04,442 Yes, they are. They're horrible. 566 00:21:04,442 --> 00:21:08,312 ♪ Bells on bobtail ring, making spirits ♪ 567 00:21:10,312 --> 00:21:11,612 - Not a doctor. - Shh.