And I believe that's all I've got
Oh, wait, there's one more thing
Peralta gave me a note before the meeting
Ugh, the penmanship is horrid, but I think it says,
"Ask if anyone has an anal mint"
It's announcements, and we do
Wow, what an entrance
Amy and I have some big news to share
I'm pregnant We're pregnant!
Wow, I can't believe it Congratulations
What a surprise
What the hell? I thought you guys would be
more excited than that Charles, you didn't even faint
I'm so sorry, I'll try
It's not working Somebody choke me
On it Rosa
Sorry, we're so happy for you,
but we also maybe, kind of already knew
I mean, you didn't do the best job of hiding it
Why have you been carrying that box around so much?
I just love this box
Why are you reading that newspaper?
It's two days old I just love this issue
Hey, why are you wearing that hazmat suit?
I just love this look
Okay, fine, so you all knew we were pregnant
Good for you But I bet you didn't figure out
that we're having twins
No, not really It's one baby
I just needed to see Charles faint
Aw, Jake
I am excited that you're having a kid
Thank you, Dad Oh, and hey, if you're free
next Friday, we're having a sex reveal party
Well, I went to one of those in Amsterdam
I would not invite relatives
What? No, no, no
It's a party where we find out the biological sex of the baby
in a surprising way
You better hope you're having a girl
Peralta fathers do not get along with sons
What? That's not true
I mean, look at us We're doing better than ever
This year, you even remembered my birthday month
Things are good now, but honestly,
it's probably just a blip Well, that's fun to hear
Well, that's just the way it is
It's the family curse
I haven't talked to my father since you were 10
His dad abandoned him at the World's Fair
His dad fled to America after drowning his dad in a well
Oh, my God
Okay, so yes, fine, there's a bit of a trend
But we're not cursed You and I are good
I bet you could even fix things up with your dad
The Admiral?
I always hoped that I could reconcile things with him
one day, but he's not going to let that happen
What can I tell you? We're not meant to have sons
There's a demon in our genes
Title of your sex tape No, the title of my sex tape
is "Cockpit Larry and the Mile High Stewardae"
What? "Stewardae"
It's plural for stewardess
Okay
ADA Kurm, how are you?
Do you want the real answer, about how my wife's leaving me,
or do you just want me to say, "Good, how are you?"
The latter?
Good, how are you? We're fine; why are you here?
You know that Carroll Street Brownstone B&E?
Yeah, broken windows, swiped an old TV
The house belongs to a friend of the mayor's
Oh, I didn't realize the case was a priority
I'll check into it right away
Great, call me as soon as you have anything
Yeah Will do
Oh, God, what a nightmare
Agreed Dude's a mess
You know he's only 24?
No, the Carroll Street case
I didn't realize that the mayor was interested in it,
and I think I did something bad
You gave Hitchcock and Scully an important case?
Both:
Okay, here's the cake
If it's pink on the inside, it's a girl
And if it's blue, it's a boy
And why do you seem so bummed by that?
Because I still think you should have done the pig roast,
where we start eating it from the snout,
and discover the baby's sex when we get to the genitals
Yeah, you know, Amy wanted to do that too,
but I just don't see it Hmm
I'm getting a text
Ooh "I will see you soon, sir"
Guess who that was Elton John
What?
You said "sir," and that's on you
No, it was my grandfather, the Admiral
Whoa, you tracked him down?
Yup, he's on his way to my apartment right now
I'm going to fix his relationship with my dad
It's going to be very emotional
It's going to be so dramatic You should be
producing for Ellen Do you really think so?
'Cause I actually have another idea for a segment
where Ellen turns your home into a haunted house
I call it "Extreme Makeover: Bone Edition"
But you know, I I don't have to do it
I like being a cop And you're so good at it
Yeah, okay, I'm going to go meet my grandpa
Yup
Ooh, fun! Terry's playing the flute
At work Who are you, William Wonka?
No, this is police business
The flautist for the NYPD band retired,
and I'm going to audition to take her spot
Captain Holt, you love music Can you give me some pointers?
I'd rather not The music they play is dreck
Last month, they performed Sousa
at a fallen officer's funeral
And the people were so appalled, they cried
Or they were crying for the deceased
No, she was very unpopular
The band made them cry
Suffice it to say, I don't respect what they do,
so I wouldn't be the right teacher
I'm sorry
Hey, Grandpa
Attention! Oh
At ease Just pulling your leg
I'm your grandfather, not your commanding officer
Now, come on Aw
Give me a handshake Okay
Right, come on in
Wow, it's really been quite a while, huh?
Yeah Are you still watching
those cartoons about the karate lizards?
The "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"?
I am There was recently a reboot
They did some interesting things
with Splinter and Krang's backstories
Anyways, I'm an adult now How are you?
Oh, me? Well, I guess I'm
Grandpa? What?
Oh, I was just asking how you were
Oh, sharp as ever Yeah
I'm so glad you reached out to me
Same, you know, now that I'm having a baby of my own,
I've started to realize how important
father/son/grandfather relationships really are
Which reminds me, my dad is also coming
He is?
I'm surprised he wanted to see me
Well, he doesn't exactly know you're here
I thought it might be cool to surprise both of you
You know who else thought surprises were cool?
Admiral Yamamoto, and we all know what happened then, huh?
We do? Pearl Harbor
Pearl Harbor, right Some surprises can be bad
But this one's not gonna be This one's gonna be good,
just like The Battle of Midway
The Bimble of Durbay Yup
We both said the same thing at the same time
Oh, that's my Dad
This is going to be amazing
Hey, Jakey Roger Peralta
Prepare to hug and cry
This is your father
Dad, you son of a bitch
Uh-oh Ow!
I can't believe you hit me
I'm sorry
My face is throbbing Hey, "Dino Bites"
What the hell is my father doing here?
You said you wanted to reconcile
I meant after he was dead
I planned on standing over his grave
and yelling, "I forgive you"
Well, you may get the chance sooner than you think
He keeps trailing off and staring into space
That's his old trick
Whenever he doesn't want to talk about something,
he does that The old bastard
Look, I know you don't like him,
but can you at least try to be nice for me?
Okay
I'll be nice
I wish you were dead, you lousy son of a bitch!
You said you were gonna be nice
I lied so I could say the "son of a bitch" thing
Dad! Okay
Your grandson would like us to make peace
So, do you apologize for being the worst father
in the history in the world? Even worse than fathers
who chain their children in basements?
I do not That's on him I tried
I really don't think you did Jake, you don't get it
He's a heartless jerk
When I was in high school, I almost died
He didn't even visit me in the hospital
Okay, so maybe start by asking him
to apologize for that
No, he should apologize to me for being in the hospital
I'm starting to see the heartless thing now
Growing up, he had a boat Meant everything to him
He named it "Walter," after himself
She was the child I never had
I was the child you did have
Anyway, one day I took Walter Junior out for a spin
I was trying to impress one of the lake girls
Before I met your mom, I was a bit of a ladies' man
Yes, that continued long after you met my mom
He's always been a floozy It was dark
I crashed into the dock; I woke up in the hospital
How was the girl? Flexible
Man, she could put her leg Total
No, I was After the accident
Oh, right! No
She was totally unhurt, thank goodness
But I was in the hospital for three weeks,
and Admiral Ass never visited me once
I warned you not to take the boat out
You make mistakes, you got to accept the consequences
I'm your son! And Walter was my daughter
Okay, both of you, stop
You're acting like children You know what?
That's it, if you're gonna act like kids,
then I'm gonna act like a parent
"Cry Hard with a Vengeance"? Yeah
It's Bruce Willis' book about parenting
And we're gonna read it
I just got another call from the saddest ADA in the world
He's still pissed Did Hitchcock and Scully
get anywhere? Hard to say
Their file contains a lot of non-case related documents
A bunch of menus?
A cease and desist letter from TJ Maxx
Multiple patent submissions
for something called a "pillow shoe"
An application for a time share in Figi
You mean Fiji No, Figi with a G
They're getting scammed
Wait This is good
There was a witness who saw everything
Identified the thief, they even described the getaway car down
to a dent in the right bumper We're golden
Yeah, but Hitchcock and Scully forgot to write down
the witness' name or contact info
What? No, that's insane
Even they wouldn't do something that dumb
Dumb? Excuse me
I don't need this crap
I could be on the beach in Figi right now
If we go to court, we're gonna need
the witness to testify
But now, we have no way of contacting him
So there's no case
How could you not take down the witness' contact info?
Well, unlike you dorks, we don't do everything
"by the book" We play by our own rules
And we get results Mm-hmm
No! You don't!
That's why we're here!
So John McClain's advice wasn't great,
but I have other books This one says
to make sure neither of you has a full diaper
Feels like we can skip that part
I wouldn't be so sure Dad, come on, all right?
How about this?
Dad, just name one happy memory that you have with Grandpa
And don't say the memory you're going to have at his funeral
All right, when I was eight, he was on shore leave,
and we played catch in the yard, and that was fun
Hey, there you go That was great
And Grandpa, is there a happy memory you want to share?
Well, can I pick the catch thing too?
Yeah, sure 'Cause that was really
a nice time While we were playing,
the neighbor kid fell off his bike
Yeah, he broke his arm You could see the bone
Do you remember when we went
skiing, and the guy fell off the lift and busted his leg?
And you could see the bone It was just, like,
sticking right out of the skin, and he's, like, screaming
We were laughing Oh, oh, it was beautiful
God, I hope somebody found him
Okay, well, you guys are both monsters,
but this is going great
Yes, yes
I know you're being positive,
but I could use some honest criticism
Terry, I'd love to help, but
Follow me
Hello
You caught me stretching I've been doing this
and nothing else for the last half hour continuously
I saw you watching Terry
You were finger conducting
Fine
Yes
I may have overstated my contempt for the music
they play so that I wouldn't have to help Jeffords
Oh, no, am I so bad, I can't be helped?
Aw, man, I wanted to play in the Thanksgiving Day Parade
Terry loves being in and among floats
You're not bad You're maybe even
Good But to make you great,
I'd have to break you down to nothing
It would ruin our friendship I can handle criticism
My daughters criticize me all the time
They're so mean now Please help me, sir, please!
Okay
Give me your flute
Wrong! First rule:
never give anyone your flute
Hey, babe, how's it going? Amazingly well
My dad and my grandpa are actually getting along
They've been catching up nonstop
Aunt Millie? Dead
Uncle Thomas? Dead
Aunt Janet? Dead
Uncle Dean? Gay
Ooh, good for him
What about Aunt Lyn? Dead
Apparently there was a fire at the family reunion
Lucky for my Uncle Dean, he was not welcome at the event
Wow Dark Yeah
Well, I'm glad everything's working out
Oh, I got to go Love you, bye
Actually, I got to go too, so
I didn't even think it was possible to put a cast
on that part of the body
That was Amy I hung up first
Looks like things are still going great in here
Yeah, they sure are Hey, Dad, toss me a beer
Bring the heat
- Whoa! - Both:
No, the sex reveal cake! Oh
Nobody look at the floor!
No one can see the color of the cake
How long are we doing this? What's the plan?
I don't know yet!
Okay, we all heard the cake splat
on the other side of the counter,
which means we can probably assume you can see the color
Why does that matter? Because the color of the cake
tells us if we're having a boy or a girl
How can that baker tell?
Because the baker does the test
No, the doctor does the test Then the doctor calls
the baker, and the baker makes the cake
Okay, I hate to say this, but can you start over?
No, we don't have time Just help me fix this
You know, it's Roger's fault
All he had to do was catch the beer
Well, maybe I'd be better at catch if I played it
more than once growing up Guys, focus up
We're all getting along, remember?
Now, we can't see the cake before Amy, which means we have
to figure out a way to clean it up without looking at it
We have to "Birdbox" it
And "Birdbox" is the bakery No, "Birdbox" is a movie
where people aren't allowed to look at things
Just put on these blindfolds and help me clean it up
I "Birdbox-ed" the stewardess in Sweden once
Dad!
Okay, that should be all of it
I think it's safe to take off our blindfolds
Oh, !
No, no! Oh, God!
What happened? We were so careful
Here comes the mop
Bag
This is hard Yeah
I could use a beer, you know?
Oh, oh You okay?
The cake was blue
You're having a boy It's the curse
No No, no, no, there's no curse
Look, we can still fix this All we have to do is clean
every inch of this room, and then bake a gourmet cake
No one can do all that in two hours
Wrong, Dad
There is one who can
Hello, fellas Let's get to work
Oh, hey I got something
There was a security camera by the Carroll Street brownstone
And it got footage of the perps?
No, but it caught Scully and Hitchcock
interviewing the witness All right
Let's start canvassing the neighborhood,
see if anybody recognizes that guy
Yeah
Wait!
What the hell? Sorry, I didn't want to run,
and that was the only way to stop the doors
It wasn't, and it didn't It worked, we're here
Please, don't go looking for that witness
We're just trying to fix your screw-up
We didn't screw up The witness gave us his name,
but he asked us not to write it down because he's undocumented
So he's scared to show up to testify at the courthouse
because he didn't want to be detained by ICE
Damn it You know,
that keeps lots of immigrants from helping cops
Yeah, we know that We're just surprised
that you know that That's insulting
I'm very concerned with immigration issues
And I've dated my fair share of spicy
No! Scully said the nice thing
You don't need to go past it, Hitchcock
Okay, I know you need help and time is tight,
but I see there is blue cake on the floor,
and I know what that means, vis-à-vis the sex of the baby
So before we do anything, I'm going to need a minute
Sorry for all the weeping and the weird snort noise
I made at the end It's genetic
Now, Jake, grab the mop, you're on cleanup
Admiral, you're making the batter
Captain, you're on frosting duty
Okay, Amy just texted
She's gonna be here any second, so hide that thing
The
Oh Dad, that is so noticeable
Nuh-uh, it's awesome
All right, everybody, act normal
Act normal
Hey, guys
Hey, welcome home
I'd like you to meet my grandpa, Walter
It's so nice to meet you
Hello, things are normal here
Yeah, everything's totally normal
Back here too, behind the chair
Yup, and that was a normal thing to say
Are things normal with you, Amy?
Sure Cool
I'm going to go get ready for the party
Oh, fun
Oh, my God, I can't believe we pulled it off
Charles, we owe it all to you
Stop, it was an honor to cook and clean with all of you
Boy, Jake is so lucky to have you as his butler
Oh, he's not Thank you
Oh
I'm so glad you're helping me
Maybe I won't blow it after all
Oh, you'll do plenty of blowing
Of that flute Now, let's go
A five, six, seven, eight
Stop
The nod meant start now, not start one second later
Again Five, six, seven, eight
Stop
Are you playing "The Muffin Man" or "The Garbage Man"?
Huh? Do you know the Garbage Man?
Because I do
Because I'm looking right at him
Again Five, six, seven, eight
Again
Why did you stop playing, Garbage Man?
I need some water
What you need to do is keep practicing, Garbage Man
I don't have any more saliva And I don't have any more
time for your excuses, Garbage Man
Now play again Five, six
I don't want your help anymore!
I'm not a garbage man! I'm a muffin man!
Attention, everyone
Thank you all so much for coming
Please gather around
We're going to cut the cake and find out
what our baby's whole downstairs situation is
Why the accent? I don't know
I did so bad I should have let you talk
Yeah, you should have Okay
I love you Oh
Okay, let's do this
Here we go
All right, we are having a
Green
Oh, my God What's inside of me?
No, you just cut a bad slice Here, I'll get a good one
I guess the bakery must have messed up
What are you talking about?
Roger's the one that added the food coloring
Well, you mixed the batter
Wait, did you guys bake that cake?
Well, we just, you could say that
Jake?
Okay, fine Yes, we baked it
I'm so sorry I'll explain everything later
Dad, please stop cutting the cake
I'm trying to find a good slice
There is no good slice! You screwed it up!
You're a screw-up! Yeah?
Well, if I'm a screw up, it's 'cause you screwed me up
You screw-up Screw you
I'm leaving Wait, wait, no, don't go!
We reversed the curse!
Don't reverse the curse reverse!
Actually, Jake, I'm going too
What? No, why would you go?
I need to go to the hospital
I cut my thumb off
Again? The other one
All:
Oh, God Oh, God
Ah Get the "Dino Bites"
Hey, how are you feeling? How's the thumb?
Great, looks perfect Like nothing ever happened
It's the other thumb, Dad Oh, no, yeah, that looks bad
The doctor said it might take a long time to heal,
and that it might never be as long again
My thumb? I don't care
Is my dad here? No
I called him and he said
How do I put this?
That I'm a useless screw-up and he's done with me?
Yeah, something exactly like that, verbatim, sure
Look, I'm really sorry that I forced this
whole reunion on you I think our family might be
cursed, and I'm going to be a bad dad
No, I was wrong
There's no curse My dad is just a selfish dick
And I was too
All the other Peralta dads, we probably just learned it
from each other Or it's just in our genes
No, you proved that wrong
You care, and you do the work
You're reading parenting books before your kid is even born
You tried to get me and Dad back together
Hell, you even fished my thumb out of the cake
Yeah, that was gross
You're so excited about having a kid,
you're having a sex reveal party
I never did anything like that,
except that one time in Amsterdam
I really wish you'd stop bringing that up
Jake, you're going to be a great dad
And your son's gonna love you
Thanks
And I think you're going to make a real good grandpa
Hey,
who's got two surgically reattached thumbs
and is super proud of his son?
Oh, you don't have to
This guy
My boss is furious
You ruined my 25th birthday
I want those guys punished
Understood I'll talk to them right now
Without that witness, the DA has nothing
Kurm is pissed It's true
He kept calling you guys the human centipede
Because we have our heads up our asses
Yes, we've heard that before I never thought I'd say this,
but you guys did the right thing
Unfortunately, Kurm wants you disciplined
So effective tomorrow,
you're each getting one week paid suspension
Like vacation? You deserve this punishment!
It's punishment where you don't have to work
And we can go anywhere we like?
You can go to hell for all I care!
Or to a resort where you're being scammed
Figi Good idea
Now, get out of my face!
Have fun
Next
Hi, my name is Terry Jeffords
And I don't know how this is going to go
Wait!
Sir
I'm Captain Raymond Holt of the 99th precinct,
and I need to tell you about this man
Now, the audition piece he's about to play may not
be technically perfect In fact, it may hurt your ears
You may consider it an insult to music
You may whisper to each other,
"'Muffin Man'? Pssh!
More like Garbage Man"
Come on But you would be wrong
This man has taught me something
He's taught me that music is about heart and soul
It's about perseverance Despite everything
I put him through, he showed up here today
And you would be a fool not to put him in your band
Thank you, Captain Lieutenant?
What instrument do you play?
The flute You're hired
What? I haven't even played
You're the only flute who auditioned
Welcome to the band
Yes! I did it!
Hey How's your dad doing?
Well, the doctor said he'll be okay,
but his hands are basically claws now
I don't know why they think that's okay
Hey, listen, I'm sorry the cake was green
It's okay
I'll love our little Shrek no matter what
Oh, my God That's right
You still don't know the sex of the baby
With all the craziness, I almost forgot
Emphasis on "almost" What?
Well, I got another cake just for the two of us
Jake, that's so sweet
Here we go I'm so excited
It's empty There's no cake inside
What? Where'd it go?
Hey, guys Do you have any milk?
We're having a boy?
We're having a boy!
Hey, do you have milk or not?
Jeez God
Fremulon
Not a doctor Shh!