Right after the break, we're going to interview David Kern,
who climbed the highest mountain in the world, Mount Everest,
but he's gay.
I mean, he's gay. Excuse me, he's blind.
More teens are having fuck... (STAMMERS) Having luck, rather.
One way to do a turkey call is with this gobbler
that allows the air to vibrate. (GOBBLING)
You should try it.
I'd love to. Go ahead, I want to see this.
No, no. (LAUGHING)
That just wasn't right. Yeah.
It's a beautiful Memorial Day.
We have people out here sunbathing.
We have people tossing the ball around.
And we really want to advise that you guys
try to make it a safe Memorial Day.
I'm a bird, bitch! (CAWING)
Okay, dude. God damn it, man!
Well, I'm sure you needed it, Annie.
Did you get many spankings as a kid?
Um... As a kid, no. I... Wait. (CHUCKLES)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Wait a minute.
Susenko Energy is announcing a proposal to jack off...
Jack up. Excuse me.
What is your comment on the results of the proceedings?
I have no comment.
How do you think your case is affected...
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
What really happened on that Thursday here at Central High
that led to Tim Johnson's... (GAGS)
What the fuck was that?
Shit.
God, I'm dying in this fucking country-ass, fucked-up town.
Here they come down the hill.
It looks like Reuben is in the lead, and here he comes now...
(GRUNTS)
An infestation of Canadian brown finches, which is a small bird...
(CHUCKLES)
I guess I should have seen that one coming, huh? (PEOPLE LAUGHING)
(SPITS)
(GAGS)
JOE: We now send it over to Meghan Miles. Meghan?
Hey, Joe, I'm here at the ASPCA, where on...
(YOWLING) (SCREAMS)
Oh, boy. I think she's actually hurt there. Ooh.
I think she is. Meghan, are you okay?
JOE: Okay, Meghan?
We'll get a medic over to her. Yeah.
Thank you so much for coming with me.
You're my girl. Team.
Right. Team.
Oh, my God. They're not going to bring up the cat thing, right?
That was 100 years ago. No one looks at those YouTube things anymore.
Yeah, right. Relax, Meghan.
Relax.
Ooh. It's the network.
It's a big step up from local, but you are ready.
Oh, I'm ready.
Just be yourself.
No, I'm going to be exactly what they want me to be.
"Anchor."
It is both a noun and a verb.
A reliable or principal support, but in action,
it means to hold fast.
Hmm.
I believe I can do that for your viewers,
be the center,
and hold them,
steady.
Tell us more about yourself.
Well, I was raised in Texas.
I studied journalism at the University of Texas.
I love to read. I'm a voracious reader.
Mostly historical fiction.
Have you read Toni Morrison's Beloved?
Of course.
Good answer. ALL: Hmm.
My role models include my parents, which I know is corny,
but they've been married 35 years,
and I am recently engaged.
We like that.
We'll have a decision in two weeks. There isn't any
dirt in your past that we should know about?
Skeletons?
Bones of any kind?
I'm a good girl.
GUARD: Morning, Meghan Miles. Be well.
MEGHAN: Good day. Good day.
DAN: Hey, looking good, Chuck Rogers.
WOMAN: Five minutes to air, people.
Hey. Hey.
So, I just spoke to my source inside the network.
And?
It's down to you and Wendy Chang. (GASPS)
The decision should come down today. Don't be nervous.
Don't be nervous? You shouldn't have told me.
Breathe.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
(YELLS)
(PHONE RINGS) Wow. Oh, gosh, hang on, hang on.
This is Meghan Miles.
Meghan, you dirty hooker.
Rosie, stop. I'm about to go on-air.
Okay, good. But be advised that we are going out tonight to celebrate.
Honey, I didn't get the job yet.
Minor detail.
I don't know.
It's been a really long week.
Shh. Don't be a cockblocker.
Repeat after me, "I will not block the cock."
You know what? Rosie, hang on. I have another call. It could be the network.
This is Meghan Miles.
MEGHAN'S MOM: Meg, honey.
Hey, Mama.
We just saw your last newscast.
You did such a good job.
Although that outfit was a little revealing by about a button.
(GASPS) Really? Oh, I've been telling wardrobe to watch out for it.
Thank you for the feedback.
Well, we love you.
Say hi to Kyle.
I love you, too.
Talk soon.
Fine, I will not block the cock.
Still me, hon.
(GASPS)
I'm so sorry, Mama.
ANNOUNCER: This is KZLA, Live at 5:00, Eyewitness News.
With Jane Rain...
Camera one. Ready, Chuck? Let's do this.
...Chuck Rogers, sports. And Chopper Steve, traffic.
Will you stop it? My mother is going to kill me.
Good evening, Los Angeles. I'm Meghan Miles.
Our top story...
Well, the day is upon us.
A traffic nightmare of biblical proportions.
What some are calling "Carpocalypse Now."
Portions of the 10 Freeway
will be closed for construction during this coming weekend.
For more, let's go to our own Chopper Steve.
Chopper Steve, can you tell us what it's like up there?
Oh. Doing great. Fantastic.
Chopper Steve, are you texting?
Yeah, yeah.
No worries. Who's going to pull me over up here? (LAUGHS)
It's sailing pretty smoothly down there right now,
but we're warning drivers about
massive congestion this weekend.
So, you're saying they should "steer clear"?
Oh. "Steer clear."
(CHUCKLES)
I got that one, Meghan Miles.
Good one, good one. Like steering the car.
Thanks, Chopper Steve. We'll check back with you in the 6:00 hour.
Check back? What? Did my check bounce?
Oh! Sorry.
Okay. Bye now, Chopper Steve. Fly safe.
CHOPPER STEVE: Real smooth, Chopper Steve.
Fucking loser. I should just crash this thing
into the Hollywood sign, end it all.
Chopper Steve, we can still hear you.
Your mic is on. Live mic. (GASPS)
Copy that.
For continuing updates on the Carpocalypse,
stay with KZLA for all your news needs.
The Ventura County Italian-American Club did a great job,
but don't call Mr. Guinness just yet.
It turns out the world's largest meatball resides in Genoa, Italy.
That's all for now. Stay tuned for more
KZLA coverage on Carpocalypse,
and find out what simple household item may just be fatal.
I'm Meghan Miles. Be well.
And we're clear.
Great.
(EXHALES) Chopper Steve, is he on his meds?
DAN: Short answer, no.
Did anybody call? Did you get any emails?
Any text messages I need to know about?
No, no, no. Calm down. Calm down.
(SIGHS)
I'm going to hear from them.
And I'll call you at home.
DENISE: I can't wait to get my drink on. And get my dance on.
And just those two things.
Denise. What?
Meghan!
Meghan Miles!
Either she's not home or she's ignoring us.
Or she's incapacitated, tied up,
or maybe she had a stroke or a seizure or something.
Denise, this is Brentwood. Nothing bad ever happens in...
Oh, my God, O.J. Simpson. I just remembered that.
Meghan! It's open.
(ROSE GROANS)
Honey, you are not back on the farm in Texas.
You cannot just leave your door unlocked.
Oh, hey, party girls. What's up?
What do you want to drink? I have tap water.
Wait, what's going on? Where's Kyle?
He's at the supermarket.
And where's all your stuff?
Oh. Um...
Kyle took it all to the supermarket.
The supermercado.
He's gone.
He...
He said he didn't know who I was anymore,
and then he left and he took everything.
That's so weird. When is he coming back?
Why did you not tell us?
I don't know. I'm sorry.
Rosie, I just...
It's really embarrassing.
Yeah, but honey, we're your friends.
We're not going to judge you.
(PHONE RINGS) Oh, hang on, it's Dan.
Hello? Dan, hello.
Oh, Meghan, don't freak out, but they're going with Wendy Chang.
(THUD)
DAN: Meghan, are you okay?
Chang! (SOBBING)
This is such a terrible time for Kyle to not be here.
Denise, shut up!
They gave it to Wendy Chang.
She's an anchor in San Francisco.
There you go, honey. That's a diversity hire.
Asian. What can you do about that?
She's not even Asian.
She's adopted. She has red fucking hair!
Oh, I'm sorry, that was mean. Good for her.
No. Screw Chang. You are the best.
Yeah, no one reads the news like you, Meghan.
We're going to sit down and come up with a plan to fix your life.
Okay, guys, no more pity party. It's fine.
I'm not a cockblocker, remember?
So, go. I'll be fine.
I'm just going to stay here and catch up on Idol.
No! We're not going to leave you here.
You don't even have your dog.
Technically, it was Kyle's dog.
Who cares? Forget it. Get a cat. DENISE: Ew.
Cats hate me. You know that.
People say cats are clean, but they're really filthy.
I am sorry, okay? Whatever. I'm going to take you to a club.
You're going to meet some young, stupid, hot guy,
and you're going to take all your anger
and your aggression out on his penis.
I don't know. I don't do that with penises.
I'm more of a relationship type of girl.
We're taking you out. Come on, let's go.
(SIGHS)
Fine, but I'm wearing these sweatpants.
No. You're going to wear something slutty like Denise.
I don't own anything slutty like Denise.
Denise, give Meghan your dress.
But...
No "buts." You can wear one of her pantsuits.
Ew. Ew.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Why is it so loud in here?
Isn't it great? This is what you need.
Shot time!
Already?
Yup, that's right.
Throw it back. Unless you're too soft.
Yeah.
Oh! Whoo!
Yeah, the other two were for us.
I guess we're going to need three more.
This is good. Three more. Three more.
How about something different?
To match your dress.
Hey. Fancy.
MEGHAN: Looking at us?
MAN: Oh, yeah, ladies!
Oh, my God. What do we do? Act bitchy?
Scowl.
Whoa. Sunshine.
You want to join me and my boys for some drinks?
Will the drinks be alcoholic?
More tequila? That's what that is.
Wow, your friend is quite the party girl, huh?
Tonight she is.
Let's make a toast to these girls, huh, boys?
Yes. You know, my dad made a toast
at my fifth grade graduation,
and I kept it in my memory...
Keep it there. ALL: Cheers!
(ALL CHEERING)
I love my daddy!
Kyle sucks!
Can I just get one of these buckets?
Thank you so much. Excuse me. (VOMITS)
Let's get rid of this. All good.
Let's rally! Let's rally! Yeah!
Do you want to get out of here?
Oh. Absolutely. You stay here.
No, no. Where are you going?
I got to go for a wee-wee.
Excuse me.
(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh.
(GASPS)
This is so high.
Hello? There's no handle.
Hello?
Come on.
(LAUGHS)
GORDON: Hi. Hi!
What are you doing up there?
I'm just looking for the bathroom.
Are you stuck?
How dare you, sir?
Don't you know it is rude to ask if a lady is stuck?
Oh.
Yes, I am stuck.
And I'm a little drunk. I should tell you that.
All right. Nothing wrong with that.
Stay stuck for a second. Whoa.
That won't be hard, I can't move.
Breaking news, 2:00 a.m. Girl stuck on balcony.
Hi. Hi.
What do you think? Huh. Oh. Wow, this is a mess.
A bit of a situation. Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
If we could just find a way to get this shoe off.
What a puzzle. All right. Well, we got a strap
coming around here. Wait! Oh, my God!
What? There's a whole other strap.
(GASPS)
Which one? Left? Right?
You need to stay calm. What's your name?
Meghan. Meghan, where are you from?
Texas. Texas. I like Texas.
Hurry! The timer is reading five seconds.
All right. Stay with me, Meghan.
Four, three, two...
Here we go! (GASPS)
Are we alive?
I think so.
You're a hero. Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
Should we get down?
You can do it. I'm right behind you.
MEGHAN: Okay.
GORDON: So, are you trying to escape? French exit?
Yeah, I think I was. (LAUGHS)
I just sort of had my fill of the lecherous males and the...
I don't know. I don't really do this very much.
So I just felt this wave of depression coming over me,
and I thought I should probably...
Here. It's cold. It is cold.
Anyway. Rosie.
What? She said she's leaving.
I should get my car.
Um...
I should go.
Your car? No. I don't think you should be driving.
Why don't we get you a cab? Let's find a cab for you.
No, I really want my car. You don't think I can drive?
Uh...
Come here. Sobriety test.
Smell that meat.
(SNIFFS)
Oh, my God. That smells so good.
You're so drunk. That's not even meat.
Screw you, cracker. It's meat.
All right, why don't I
drive you home in your car,
and then I'll take a cab home from there? How about that?
No, you don't have to leave work.
No, no, no, it's fine. I'm not just a bartender. I got other things going on.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
You got a day job?
I am a writer of books.
What kind of books?
Sort of post-modern romantic fiction.
That is my favorite genre.
Are you messing with me?
No, it's really cool.
I'm a journalist. I've done some... I don't know.
I don't write anything, really.
I thought I would, but I mostly just read.
I read the news. I don't know.
Anyways, so what does a post-modern romantic writer do all day?
Find beauty and praise it.
Wow. That is the opposite of what I do, I think.
All right, let's go. I'm getting you home safe.
Where do you live?
Okay, you're getting on my level.
You like the dark stuff.
Hands like this. What?
Shotgun poetry. All right, get ready.
"Hark! 'tis an elfin-storm from faery land
"Of haggard seeming, but a boon indeed
"I have a home for thee." I win!
Let's take our clothes off.
I'd like to go to the judges on that one.
Okay. Judges? Where are you, judges?
Okay. It's a girl. Okay, all right, it's a girl.
Ooh. What is in there?
(SINGING DRUNKENLY)
Do you trust me? You trust me? Okay.
Yeah, I do. I do.
I don't. I don't.
No, no!
(GRUNTS) Yes!
(SIGHS) Fuck.
Don't mess with Texas.
Dress down. Down.
I'm hungry.
What is this? What is this little table thing?
Put that one down and get another one.
I want to do Lady and the Tramp.
This is the best.
Oh, my God.
Let me see! Don't be shy!
Yes! Yellow is your color.
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
Okay, where's my phone?
My purse. My phone.
(DIALING)
(RINGING)
Hi, you've reached Meghan. Please leave a message. And be well.
AUTOMATED VOICE: You have four new messages.
Message one sent yesterday at 6:05 p.m.
ROSE: Meghan! Put down your knitting. We're on our...
Meg, honey, it's Mom. We just...
Please don't call me.
Meghan, it's Dan. Are you sitting down?
Chang is out.
She didn't vet.
They found some raunchy Twitpics of her and another girl.
She's way too risky for CNB.
It looks like they're pivoting back to you.
You're the safe bet. All that steadiness shit is going to pay off.
Now, listen, they want to watch you work, have a final follow-up,
a look-you-in-the-eye sort of thing.
So, they're coming to the newscast tomorrow.
So get some rest tonight. Come in fresh and ready to kill it.
This could be very good.
(GASPS)
No. I hate cats.
Don't you do anything.
(GROWLING)
Mmm.
No, no, no. No, no.
(GROWLING)
You were in the box.
Okay.
(YOWLING)
Shoes, shoes, shoes. Where are my keys?
I hate cats!
(SIGHS)
Okay.
Okay. All right.
Okay.
Where is my car?
Wait, he drove.
We kissed and then I fumbled for some Tic Tacs.
(GASPS)
Oh!
No, no.
There's no names.
(GASPS)
Oh, no, no. Wait, wait! That's my car!
Hey! That's my car.
That's my car.
That was my car.
(DOG HOWLING)
(SCREAMS) Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
You sneak up, I shoot you.
No, no. I just want a ride, and I'm just trying to hire you.
No, no, no. Off-duty. Off-duty.
No, please, sir. I will pay you. Double. Triple.
To take me to the tow place.
Do you know where that is, the place they tow to?
Oh. "Tow to"?
Yes, you understand. The tow to.
Da. Da. Tow to.
Okay, great. Thank God.
Are you working? Yes, I work.
It's very important that I get to work today. Tonight. Okay.
Great.
So, here we go. We're going tow to.
Great. Great.
You know, I like your work.
You know my work?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Very nice.
Oh, well, thank you. Thank you so much.
I love what I do. It gives me a lot of self-worth and really...
I don't know, I...
Do you have a boyfriend?
Um... Presently I do not technically have a man.
I mean, I just...
I don't know. I met someone, but I just left someone.
I didn't... Well, truth be told, he left me.
Actually, I don't really give a shit.
Okay. Good talk.
Ah.
Here.
Here? Where here?
Here. Tow to.
Oh.
No, no.
Oh, my goodness.
No, no, no. This is "Tattoo."
I said, "tow to" as in "tow your car."
This is a funny language miscommunication.
I can't get out here because I don't have my money.
It's in my purse, which is in my car.
Which is at the "tow to" place. "Tow to."
You no pay? I drive to jail.
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We don't... There's no jail.
Then you pay $23.
I am not a stripper. I'm actually a journalist
with local Emmy nominations and a lot of connections.
So you will get paid.
You will get your money.
But right now, I really, really need you to just help me out, okay?
Do you understand?
Okay. Okay.
You will give me a dance on lap, huh?
Four songs. Dance on lap, $23, finished.
No, there's no deal. No?
Yes.
No, I can't give you a lap dance, sir.
Four songs. No.
You give me three songs.
No deal.
No, no, no. You dance on lap or I take to jail.
Wait, wait. You can put the gun down. Wait, wait.
Two dances.
No, no, no. Bullshit for me.
Good deal. Yeah?
Two songs.
Okay.
Two songs. Alanis Morissette in VIP room.
Sure, the VIP room.
Just unlock the door. Leave the gun.
You can't take the gun in there.
No gun. No gun.
I'll get lap ready.
Come on, we... Hey!
(SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
Where are you going? Come on back! We have deal. Hey, lady!
(CONTINUES SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
Son of a bitch.
This is nuts. What the fuck, lady?
(SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
Oh, my God! (YELPS)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)
Hey, wait! Wait, wait, wait!
What do you want from me?
Wait, you can help me. Hang on!
Hey, hey! Go away!
I... I just...
You can help... Hey!
Oh. Hey, hey!
Hey! Hi. Hey.
Hi. Hey. Hi.
How are you doing? Hi. I'm not so good, actually.
I could really use some help.
I could use some help, too.
Oh, really? With what?
Oh. No. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
No. I'm not a...
I'm not a hooker. Yeah, okay.
Have a good night.
No. Wait. You can't...
(GRUNTS) That's disgusting.
Oh, God.
This stupid dress. I am going to murder Denise.
Oh, my God.
I'm freezing.
Hey! Who the fuck are you? (GASPS)
Uh... I'm not a prostitute.
Excuse me?
WOMAN: Check out Barbie over here.
Where did you guys come from?
Go on.
Hey, excuse me. Is there any chance
that you are not looking for a hooker?
MAN 1: Free agent?
MAN 2: Get out of here. It looks like it.
It's ballsy. You have to give it to her, man. That takes a lot of balls.
Ah. No, come on, Dave.
Man, it's the end of our shift.
Look, dude, I just have to get home, get a little bit of rest.
I was going to drive down to Long Beach.
They have this whole fishing charter thing set up.
It's our job, Walter. It's our job.
No, it isn't. No, it isn't.
Our job is to keep the hookers over there
away from the decent people down there.
All right. All right, look.
We can issue her an official warning.
But if I see her out here again, we gotta take her in.
See, that's good police work.
That's what I'm talking about.
What's the matter, you can't hear?
I have nothing against
modern female entrepreneurs. You're taking my business away!
(SIREN WAILS) WOMAN: Oh, shit.
Thank God.
Hallelujah.
DAVE: (OVER SPEAKER) Do not approach the vehicle.
Ma'am, what you're doing is the opposite
of not approaching the vehicle.
Okay. I can't see now.
Thank goodness you are here. I am so happy to see you.
Are you deaf?
This has been the longest night of my life.
Quit your babbling.
Quit your babbling and listen.
Okay.
We have you on video soliciting those cars. We can haul you in right now.
No, no. I was not soliciting sex.
Ma'am, do not raise your voice at me!
Don't you raise your voice at him!
Okay.
How much did you have to drink tonight?
Uh... You smell like a distillery.
I just... I haven't been home.
Neither have I. Which is why we're going to give you a break
and let you off with a warning. Ready? Here it is.
Stay off of my streets.
But...
We see you out here again and you will go to jail.
But I didn't do anything wrong.
Really? You haven't done anything wrong?
Are you going out to get some eggs?
Just wrapping up your paper route?
It's time to grow up.
Now, stay off my streets.
DAVE: Stay off his streets.
I... Sit down and think about it.
DAVE: Think about it. Sit down. Don't be on your knees.
Off his streets and grow the fuck up, okay?
You're not going to help me?
Aren't you supposed to help people?
I'm not a... Please don't.
WOMAN: Bitch, get out of here.
That sounded tough. Veteran.
Oh, thank you.
Yeah, we did the right thing.
WOMAN: You better start running!
Okay, okay, okay. I'm going. I'm running. I'm running. I'm running.
Molly?
Mel...
Meghan.
Meghan?
CHOPPER STEVE: Good morning, Los Angeles.
Today's the big day. Carpocalypse.
It's a heck of a day for traffic.
My advice to you, get a helicopter.
There's no traffic in the sky,
I'll tell you that. Whoa! (THUD)
Kidding.
That was a good one.
ROSE: Hey, Meghan. I'm just calling to make sure
that you got home okay because things got a little fuzzy last night.
Hey, babe. What?
What are you doing here?
I like to get up early.
Of course you do. You're like 70.
Just to clarify, what happened last night?
Everything. Everything?
And by everything, you mean...
Everything.
I just passed out...
Everything but that.
Listen, you got a banana or something?
I'm sorry. This was a mistake.
I thought I was taking home
a really young, very cute guy.
You must mean my son. Yeah, we get confused all the time.
Don't worry about it. Crazy night. You can party.
Fuck.
MAN 1: Yeah. What do you think I'm doing? I'm on the corner.
Yeah. Hold up, hold up. Hold up, hold up.
MAN 2: What's up?
MAN 1: All right, cool. Follow that guy down there.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yeah, baby, what's up?
Sometimes I wonder.
They are like the fucking Keystone Cops out there.
All right, later.
Sneaking up on me is a bad idea.
No, no. Hi. I'm not sneaking up. I wasn't. I just...
No samples. Keep your zombie-ass moving.
I just need a little help. Sir.
Now, I know you can see I'm working.
And I'm sure you done worked that ass enough tonight.
You need to get on home.
That's all I want to do.
And I don't want your drugs.
Excuse me? Oh, I mean...
That was a terrible assumption.
I mean, I don't know if there's...
I wouldn't... Yeah, you don't know.
You're right.
You don't know. You need to forget what you think I'm doing.
It's already forgotten. I'm so sorry about that.
I just want to borrow your phone.
Can I please make a call on your phone?
I'm pretty sure today might be the most important day of my life,
but I really need to make a call.
Please, I'm...
I am not what you think I am.
I swear. I'm a good girl.
(SIREN WAILING)
Oh! Shit. You ain't that good.
The police said if they find me again, they're going to arrest me.
For what? Being a good girl?
(LAUGHS)
It was a misunderstanding. At worst.
Five-O! Five-O! Full team's coming!
Oh. You better get lost.
Wait, wait!
What the fuck are you doing? I'm getting lost!
Well, get lost somewhere else! Where?
I don't know! That's why they call that shit "lost"!
Bitch, why are you so fast?
I ran track in high school.
Hang on. Wait. Hey, hey!
Hang on. Hey!
A fucking yellow-ass Terminator.
What are you still doing behind me? Get out of here, man!
I need to get in here.
Get off me! Get away from me, bitch!
Yo, ho! You is a stupid...
Oh, my God! What are you doing?
Just give me the phone. You better go back out. Go back out!
I can't go out there. Go back out! God!
I can't be caught out there.
What the fuck are you doing in here?
(STAMMERING)
I was running from the five-O.
Who the fuck are you?
Yo, chill. Chill, chill.
She's with me.
Yeah. I'm with him. Yeah.
She's just some dumb ho.
Yeah.
Are you fucking stupid? Look at this bitch.
She's an undercover cop wearing what looks like a Marc Jacobs dress.
Do you think some raggedy-ass trick could get her hands on that?
Hold the fuck up.
How the fuck do you know what a fucking Mark Jenkins dress is?
It's Marc Jacobs, nigga.
Watch one episode of What Not to Wear
and get back to me. The bitch is a cop.
Man, she's a trick. Cop.
She's a trick.
No, that's the bitch from the news.
Why did you let Pookie up in here?
Why did you let some cop up in here?
She ain't no cop.
That's the bitch from the news. Channel Six. Live at 5:00.
I'm about to put my foot up in your motherfucking mouth.
I'm not a cop.
I'm not. I am. I'm bitch from the news.
"For KZLA, Live at 5:00, Eyewitness News,
"I'm Meghan Miles. Be well."
Pookie. Shut the hell up.
Why the hell would KZLA's Meghan Miles
be sucking dick for crack in our hood?
No, I'm not sucking dick for crack.
What are you sucking dick for then?
Nothing.
The shit's free? Uh...
So, you ain't sucked one dick tonight?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Okay, but it's... That's not... (GROANS)
I'm just lost. And I just need to make a phone call.
I just wanted to borrow your phone.
Look, look, right here!
Look, look. Oh, my God.
Bitch from the news.
Yeah. Look at this.
"Be well." I love it.
Oh, shit. It does kind of look like you.
Yeah. I'm Meghan. Meghan Miles.
Look, bitch from the news,
you're real good and stuff,
but I just think you need to work on
inviting the audience in a little more.
Earning their trust.
You have a natural, approachable beauty. I like it.
But your delivery is just a little robotic.
I just feel like you can show us a little more warmth.
I know it's in there. You got that. Pookie.
What you smoking on?
Weed laced with embalming fluid. It's pretty good.
No, no, no. I kind of see what he's saying.
It's like you're closed to the world.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, I mean, look how you're holding your shoulders right now.
HULK: All closed off.
Like you don't trust us.
Okay. These are excellent points.
Viewer feedback is very important to me, Mr...
Hulk.
Hulk and... Scrilla.
Scrilla. And Pookie.
With two "O's."
Okay.
I'm going to take everything you said...
I'm going to take it all under consideration.
I need to get back to do the news.
Tonight, live at 5:00.
I'm up for a promotion, so it's really important that I be there.
But I am lost. And I don't have a phone
or money, and my car is in the impound lot.
And I am currently standing in the middle of a ghetto crack house.
Sorry, no offense.
None taken.
That's a pretty fair description.
Look, I'll tell you what.
I'm going to help you out.
Yeah. Exactly.
Give her that one.
Use that one.
Okay.
Thank you.
You got it. Right over there.
Give me that. Damn. What happened to that dress?
Since when do you watch the news?
I wake up at 5:00.
You got a TV?
You see the TV in the back? You need to sell that shit.
You owe me money. I already paid you.
What are you talking about? Remember my EBT card?
SCRILLA: Shut the hell up.
(EXHALES)
What's wrong, sweetheart?
I don't know anybody's number.
They were all in my phone.
I use the voice-dialing in my car
and everyone's on speed dial.
That's some modern-day, fucked-up shit, huh?
Yeah.
I only know three numbers.
My parents in Texas and I am not calling them.
I know my own number so I could give it out to people.
I should text myself, right? Someone might get it.
That's a good idea. Okay.
(READING)
Um...
Where am I?
The hood.
POOKIE: We're more like hood-adjacent. Hood.
Hood. Yeah.
So what's the other number?
(PHONE RINGING)
Who is this?
You woke me up, God damn it. I said, who is this? Just talk.
It's me. It's Meghan.
You were never going to call me.
I thought we weren't going to talk.
I had to call you, okay, Kyle? I had to.
Listen, breaking up was the hardest thing I ever did.
Just hold on.
Hang on. Why are you talking so low?
Are you...
Are you with someone? Is someone there with you already?
Are you drunk?
Technically, probably yes.
Is this a booty call?
No! I don't want to have sex with you!
Damn! Who are you talking to?
It's my ex-fiancé.
Okay. All right.
Who's that? That is Pookie.
He's an acquaintance of mine.
Okay, so then you are not alone, either. What are you doing?
Why are you calling me?
I called you because I'm in trouble, Kyle, okay?
I need you to come and get me.
And I only knew three numbers, okay?
You and my parents and 1-800-FLOWERS,
and I wish to God it wasn't the case.
But some things just stick, you know? I can't get rid of you.
Anybody know any numbers?
I don't know. I know the bail bond's number.
(SINGING A JINGLE)
What do you need that for? I may need some carpet or something.
Are you in jail?
Not yet, but it's a distinct possibility.
Sober up. Call a taxi, all right? I gotta go.
WOMAN: Kyle, who are you talking to?
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. There is someone there! I knew it! You bastard!
I'm sorry.
Meghan. Meghan, please don't call me again.
Baby, can you please come help me? It is over, okay?
Listen, Meghan.
Listen to me.
Now you listen, motherfucker.
I don't know what you did to Meghan Miles from the motherfucking news,
but you better drag your cracker-ass out of bed...
This nigga is a cracker, right?
Oh, he's a cracker.
And get down to this crack house
and get Meghan Miles the fuck out of here.
She has to go do the motherfucking news,
or else she won't get her fucking promotion.
SCRILLA: Give me that.
Yo. You show one more motherfucking ounce
of disrespect to this woman,
and I swear I will track your bitch-ass down and set your ass on fire.
You hear me? Now, I got your number in my phone, bitch.
Say something else!
That's good. That was so sweet. Really.
Okay, okay. Yes. Yes, sir.
I got you. Thank you.
Who's that?
That was Scrilla and Hulk. They are also acquaintances of mine.
Are you in a crack house?
Yes, Kyle. That is what I am trying to tell you.
I am in a crack house.
Oh, shit.
Die slow, motherfucker!
(MEGAN SCREAMS)
Is this a joke, Meghan?
What the fuck is happening?
Meghan Miles from the news, you got to go now.
Go through that door, make a right,
go down the steps. You'll see a vent.
Jump in it and it'll take you out the back. Go, go!
(SCREAMS)
You got this, right? Wait up, bitch from the news.
I'm gonna put some caps in your ass!
Why is this happening to me?
(PANTING NERVOUSLY)
Right down here.
Who the fuck are you, motherfuckers?
(GROANS)
Oh, my bad. Pookie?
Yeah, it's me.
Come on, to the right. Come on.
Now go to the right. Okay.
Get off me!
This way, Meghan Miles!
Who was that? Why is that happening?
I don't know.
That was insane. I don't want to get shot. Just keep going.
I was just out having a good time. Come on.
POLICE DISPATCHER: (OVER RADIO) 12th Street crack house. Shots fired.
Three black males. One Caucasian female in a yellow dress.
Do you believe this?
Maybe it's some other white chick in a yellow dress.
Hey, hey. Whoa. You saw this lady?
You've got to go talk to the Lieutenant.
No, we don't. Yeah, you do.
Actually, we do.
I know we do. You're just supposed to say we don't.
Ah, shit. Shit, shit.
Pookie...
Do you know where the impound lot is?
Where they tow cars to?
The tow to. Do you know where that is? Is it nearby?
Yeah, okay, the impound lot.
What you want to do, you want to take this street all the way down.
Hit Western. Follow that like it's your yellow brick road.
You are going to go under the 10.
If you hit Dollar Taco, you've gone too far.
The Western and the 10. You're sure?
I'm about sure. But look, don't use the bathroom at Dollar Taco.
It's really bad. Don't do it. Okay.
Thank you. Okay, you be good.
Wait, wait! What?
Oh. No, no.
Here. No, take this.
Pookie, I can't take your crack.
It's worth about $10 on the street.
But don't smoke it.
It normally doesn't end well. At least for me.
Pookie, I cannot take your crack.
No, no, no. I insist. Please.
When a crackhead gives you his crack,
you have his heart right there.
Just remember to shout out your boy, Pookie,
the next time you're on the air, okay?
Okay.
And don't forget to shout out Scrilla and Hulk.
Yup.
And Skip, Skip-a-doo.
Treezy, B-Bow,
not to be confused with G-Bow...
Little Markeese, and also my uncle, Joseph. Sure.
He's locked down in Chino.
Okay.
Oh, and Meghan Miles.
Yeah?
Be well.
Be well, too.
(SIREN WAILS)
I'll be well if I get my ass out of here.
For two years, there's been a tenuous peace
between the Gangster Disciples and the Figueroa Crew.
Then, all of a sudden, some mystery white woman in a yellow dress
shows up and everything goes to shit.
I know, it's crazy.
Add to that, she jacks a cab driver.
Now she's running with Scrilla's gang.
No, no, no. She's just a hooker.
We saw her at the Point. Yeah.
And you didn't bring her in?
I wanted to.
Tell you what, Lieutenant, how about we just brief the next shift coming in...
Next shift? Ain't no next shift for you.
You two can ID her. You're staying on until we bring her in.
Caucasian, yellow dress, hooker.
Back to the streets, fellas.
Sorry. What's wrong with you? "I wanted to."
Protect and serve.
Yeah, go fuck yourself, Vic.
(PHONE CHIMES)
"It's Meghan. Help. Lost in the hood."
(LINE RINGING)
HULK: Who this? Oh, hey... This is...
I'm looking for Meghan.
Bitch from the news? She gone.
Don't call this number again, motherfucker.
(SCREAMS)
Oh, sorry. I didn't see you there.
You're Meghan Miles, that Channel Six News lady. ¡En vivo!
En vivo. What are you doing down here?
It's a long story. You don't have $5, do you?
In the store, I do.
Well, can you wait right here? Sure.
For $5, let me take your photo and I'll put it on the wall.
Oh! No, I can't have...
And then I put it on Facebook and everyone likes it.
No, no. You can't put a photo on Facebook.
No photos. I'll send you a headshot. I'll send you something.
Hey, look! Meghan Miles on the walk of shame!
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(PHONE RINGING)
Uh... Meghan's phone.
Who's this? Where's Meghan?
This is Gordon. I met Meghan last night.
Where is she now? Why do you have her phone?
Did you hurt her?
No. No.
We went home together last night,
and I'm thinking she might be in some trouble right now.
She left her phone here and I have no idea where she is.
You better be telling the truth, psycho.
Because I will out-psycho you.
And if you hurt Meghan, I will rain fucking fury down on you.
Relax.
Where do you live?
244 Traction.
Where the fuck is that?
It's downtown, near the Sixth Street Bridge.
People live there?
Yeah, I do.
Buzz 810 when you get here. All right.
Well, you stay there or I'm calling the cops.
(PHONE RINGS)
(SOUND MACHINE PLAYING)
ROSE: Denise, get up.
I'm up.
I can hear your sound machine.
I need to just lie here. It's bad. It's really bad.
Denise, just get up. Meghan might be in trouble. She needs us.
You don't understand. (STAMMERING)
Hey, babe, is everything cool?
Please don't touch me.
Who is that?
I made a terrible mistake last night.
I think I may have taken Iggy Pop home.
All right, all right. What's up? What's up?
MAN: All right, all right. What's up? What's up?
There you go.
What the fuck is this?
Hi. All right.
Hey, I don't want to waste anyone's time.
I'm going to assume that you're a crack dealer.
And I was wondering if you wanted a little more.
A little more what?
A little more crack.
You know, like, maybe I could cash it in for some money.
You want to sell me crack?
Well, I technically don't want to sell it
because I think that that's wrong,
but I was hoping to maybe make a return or something.
Oh. Okay. A return.
Yeah. Yeah. But you got the receipt?
Or maybe the box it came in?
Come on, man. I just have the crack.
Oh, you just got the crack? Yeah. That's all I have.
And I just thought, you know, you could add it to your stash,
give me, like, 10 bucks,
and then you could sell it for more,
and then that's good business.
You don't walk into McDonald's with your own hamburgers
and try to sell it to them.
You know why?
Because they already got their own hamburgers.
Okay. They're not gonna look at your hamburgers and be, like,
"Oh, shit! She's got hamburgers. That looks like a good deal.
"Maybe I can buy them, turn around
"and sell them for twice as much."
But crack is all the same, right?
I mean, look, it's just this little thing.
Put that shit away. What the fuck are you doing,
trying to set me up?
I'm saying that it would be very easy
to pass off as your own crack.
It's probably all from the same place, isn't it?
Where the fuck did you get that stuff?
Well, technically, I got it from Pookie
who, I'm sure, got it from Scrilla.
Scrilla? Yeah. It's his crack.
You want to unload Scrilla's shit on my corner?
Pass it off as my own? You got a death wish, lady?
Yo, Ladeke! (WHISTLES)
What? Who's Ladeke? You don't need to call him.
Deal with this shit. School this bitch right now.
You're in the wrong territory.
This is the Figueroa Crew, man.
I'm going. No, no, no! You don't want my crack?
I'm not done with you. I didn't know the dealer etiquette.
Come back here, man. I'm getting on the bus!
You want to disrespect me?
Yo, Ladeke! What am I, a sparrow?
When I whistle, you got to respond!
You can't be behind the line.
This line? There's two sides.
Is this the side? You're on the wrong side.
Oh. Okay, okay, great.
$1.50.
You, blondie.
Uh... Yes. Yes. $1.50.
Such a good, round number.
Where's your money?
Oh. It's... You know what? You can just keep going.
It's here somewhere.
Shame.
Are you talking to me?
Have you no shame?
I don't know who you think you are,
Judgey Judgey Judgeyson, but I am...
You know, don't...
I'm just trying to get to work.
Why don't you get your pimp to drive you?
These people are good people.
Oh, I'm sorry. I missed the sign, "Good people only."
How do you know what is in my soul?
Oh, I can tell. I can tell. Hey! $1.50.
Okay. Does the $1.50 need to be paid at every stop?
Or does it cover the entire journey?
Are you for serious?
I am for serious.
Do you take credit cards?
Yeah, you can swipe it right there.
Really? That is an amazing innovative technology that you can just...
Do you take debit cards?
Do you have a debit card?
I do not.
Listen, I'm going to give you some advice.
Sure.
You might want to think about another line of work,
because you ain't no good at this.
If you ain't even got $1.50,
you probably should think about retiring as a whore.
And if you do scrape up $1.50, use it to buy yourself a sandwich.
That's the reason you can't turn no tricks.
Because you ain't got no meat on your bones.
Now, that advice was free.
But this ride is $1.50.
So you can pay that or you can get your ass off my bus.
Okay. But here's the thing.
I just need to get as far away from this gang territory as possible.
Really?
If you want, I can sit down and tell you the whole story.
Okay. Now.
No, no. You don't have to get up.
You ain't nothing but a skinny crack whore!
Now get your ass off my bus!
I am not a crack whore.
(STAMMERS)
Hmm. Oh, that's...
You know what? But this is part of that
long story that I wanted to tell you about.
Okay. Ugh!
Yuck!
(SPRAYING) (SCREAMS)
WOMAN: You did good.
(GROANS)
All right, here it is.
Could I conduct the interviews this time?
Hey, knock yourself out.
SHIFT CAPTAIN: (OVER RADIO) X22. Latest report
has Caucasian woman in yellow dress ejected from municipal bus 32,
Western line.
This sounds like a psychotic break.
That's pretty good there, Dr. Phil.
X22 responding.
Hey, Dan. Yeah?
I'm just working on the new Granny Bandit story.
Oh. Granny's old news.
I think we have a better story brewing.
The discord at this year's G8 summit?
Don't be a smartass.
The network is coming to see Meghan today.
We have to do a great show.
Yeah.
Have you seen her yet? Nope.
Did you try and call her? Yeah, several times.
All right. If you were Meghan Miles, where would you be?
(PANTING)
Nothing to see here.
(MEN IN SYNAGOGUE CHANTING)
Lord?
MEGHAN: Hello?
Hello. Hello. Hi.
Hi.
Can you help me?
But this is a place of worship, right? A house of God?
You're a rabbi. No.
Oh, you're not a... Isn't that what they're called? No.
You are obviously a temptress
sent here to test my faith.
Oh.
Stimulation is a distraction from, and an offense to, God.
And with an uncovered head.
And this dress.
I shouldn't look. Okay. Can you please just go?
Come on.
You're telling me in this day and age,
you're not going to let me use the bathroom or make a call,
or give me bus fare?
Yeah. I just need $1.50.
No, no. Look. There are no women allowed in there, okay?
Women are kept separate from the men.
In fact, our men aren't even allowed to hear a woman sing.
It's just bus fare.
That's really all I need. No one will know.
There's no one here. It's just us.
Okay. Look, of all the prohibitions,
I love the female voice mixing in the wind.
The lilt. The sweetness.
Now, I know I cannot touch.
But cannot my ears touch?
A small price of $1.50 would eagerly be paid for such a delight.
Forbidden, though it is.
(SINGING POP SONG QUIETLY)
Please don't stop.
(SINGING MORE LOUDLY)
(CHORUS SINGING ALONG)
(MOANING)
(BOTH SINGING)
Moshe, what's happening here?
Hello. I don't know. She just appeared.
She wants money.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no. I sang for you and you owe me.
(SPEAKING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
What's that? He called you a witch.
Okay. What is wrong with you?
Come on. You got to have some money in your pocket somewhere.
No, no, no, you can't!
MOSHE: Wait, wait! Mekasafa! RABBI ELDER: Stop her!
Possible hate crime at Wilshire Chad... (STUMBLING OVER PRONUNCIATION)
Chabad!
Chabad. Chabad.
Shit.
Chabad. Synagogue.
Chabad? It's a place of worship.
Caucasian woman in yellow dress seen...
Hi.
Do you...
Hi.
I don't have... Leave me alone.
Okay.
Hi. I'm Gordon.
You are so not her type.
I get it, though.
You guys want to come in?
What is this, an artist loft? Are you a hipster?
Uh... No, not a hipster. I can't grow a convincing enough beard.
Oh, my God. A single man with a cat. Wow.
She's a rescue.
What a guy.
Why do you look so familiar?
I was also your bartender last night.
I gave you all your seven or eight rounds of shots.
Oh! So, you stalk them, get them drunk, then you take them home.
That is not how it happened, okay?
She needed help. I was trying to help her. And we...
Well, we kind of hit it off.
Denise, four-point douche test. Go.
What?
Have you ever been to a strip club?
Yes, but they make me uncomfortable.
What do you call your penis?
My penis.
That's hot.
Denise, focus. Sorry.
How do you feel about Robert Pattinson?
Not my favorite actor.
You shut your mouth.
Okay. Can I get a "Whoop, whoop"?
Whoop, whoop. No. Don't ever do that again.
Lastly, what would you rather do?
Kill an innocent dog or cheat on your girlfriend?
Cheat on my girlfriend.
I'm not going to kill an innocent dog. That's sick.
You passed!
Okay. So, we're good?
Can I get a hot chocolate?
Not so fast.
WOMAN: Which one is Karlin?
Hi, Dan. Josh Feldman.
CNB.
Jordan Gether, CNB.
Dan Karlin, KZLA.
So, Miss Miles?
Where is she?
Oh! Well, normally, Meghan would be here by now,
but knowing Meghan, she's out in the field doing research.
Daddy, look. Look.
I think that's Lindsay Lohan.
No, honey. Just keep walking.
(GASPS)
FEMALE OPERATOR: Operator. How may I help you?
Yes. Hi. Yes, I need help.
I'm in trouble and... Let me transfer you to 911.
No police. I don't need the police.
I just need help making a call.
I don't know any numbers and I don't have any money.
I can call collect for you or if you know of any toll-free numbers.
I know a toll-free number.
Uh... Yes. Okay, listen. Can you please connect me...
(PHONE RINGS)
KZLA tip line. What's your news tip?
Yes, hi! Hi! Hallelujah.
It's Meghan Miles.
Oh! I just need to speak with Dan Karlin, please.
If you'd like to speak to an employee,
you can call him or her on their private line.
Okay, great. Can you give me Dan's number, please?
No. Because it's private.
No. Okay, it's Meghan Miles. From the news.
If your news is that you're Meghan Miles from the news,
then that's not news because it's not true.
Now, if you don't have any news, please hang up.
No. I need to speak with Dan...
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
(SCREAMS)
(SIREN WAILING) (GASPS)
(SIGHS)
So, you drove her home in her car.
Yes. That's right.
Why didn't you take your car?
I don't have a car.
You don't have a car in the city of Los Angeles.
How do you get around?
I take public transportation, mostly.
I will take the bus to work, normally. Sometimes I take the subway.
You son of a bitch!
Oh! You killed her!
Denise, Jesus! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
He is lying to us. There's no subway in Los Angeles.
Yes, there is.
Where? How come I've never seen it?
It's underground.
Right. Okay.
Sorry about that.
Okay. So, she left her phone.
What else did she leave?
I don't know. She didn't come in with much. She had her phone and...
Her keys. I had her keys.
Well, where did you put them?
Over by the door, on the table.
The keys aren't here. So, she probably has her keys.
She has her key? That's great!
She has the Keytective key service on her keychain.
(SINGING JINGLE)
What in God's name are you rambling on about?
It's a little thing that goes on your keychain,
and it has a little computer inside
and it blinks a little light and then it goes up to the universe,
and somehow they can figure out where the heck you are.
I auditioned for their commercial.
Anyway, I told Meghan about it. She thought it was sensible.
(PHONE CHIMES) ROSE: That's our girl. Okay.
Let's call from the car and see if the service number's in there.
No, no. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She just got a text.
"Miles, wrong day to be MIA. WTF."
What the fuck? "Network is here.
"Job's yours if you can just get here for newscast. Karlin."
Karlin is her boss. Oh, my God. We have to find her!
So, Mr. Karlin, to your knowledge,
any questionable Flickr images, tweets,
pics, IMs, emails, Facebook status updates,
Yelp reviews, anything at all associated with Meghan Miles?
No. Meghan Miles is a good girl.
Okay.
Come on.
Locked.
Lady, what are you doing with my bike?
I'm really, really sorry.
But I'm going to need to borrow your bike.
I got to get to my car. I got to get my life back.
Have you ever had one of those days
where everything you do just goes wrong?
And no matter how hard you try,
or how good your intentions,
life just keeps beating, beating you down, huh?
I could really use a friend right now.
So, if you just let me borrow your bike,
I'll have it back to you in no time. Really, I promise.
It would just be so great if you could help me out.
(SIGHS) Okay.
Oh, kid.
You're an angel.
Show me your boobs and I'll let you borrow my bike.
Boobies.
I had higher hopes for you.
All right, let's go. Get over here. Come on.
Get in close.
Close your eyes first.
I'm calling your mother.
What are you doing? That's my bike!
Hey!
SHIFT CAPTAIN: X22. Olympic Public Library.
Bike stolen. Suspect is female in yellow dress.
It really seems like she wants to get caught.
She's like a criminal beacon, sending off signals.
Where did you get that from?
The detective's exam manual.
Detective's... Written by what, Oprah?
Good afternoon, Los Angeles.
Carpocalypse is in full swing.
So, if you're crazy enough to be on the freeways,
may God have mercy on you.
Which he won't.
ROSE: Gordon, this is what a car looks like.
Oh... Thank you.
All right. This is so exciting!
Keytective. Right here in her phone. Calling. Awesome.
KEYTECTIVE OPERATOR: Keytective operator assist. Who am I speaking to?
Uh...
Meghan. (SOFTLY) Miles.
Miles. Meghan Miles. That's me.
Okay. Mr. Miles?
What is your password? Uh...
The password is... Is it mother's maiden name?
The hint is your pet's name. Mr. T!
My dog's name is Mr. T.
Yeah, we went deep last night.
I bet you did.
Let me just run a trace on your ignition key's GPS.
Great. They're running a trace.
Wow. So, you actually banged Meghan last night.
I am really proud of her for letting go. I really am.
Was she a freak? I bet she was.
I'm not talking about the details with you.
Did she juggle your balls?
Did she slap you around a little bit, tell you you're pretty?
Because you're pretty.
You saw this lady in a yellow dress steal your bike?
She was really scary.
You got a good look at her?
Yeah. She had these, like, crazy eyes.
All right, kid. Come with us. Hop in. We'll do a ride-along, okay?
But when we find her, I want five minutes alone with her, okay?
Not okay, creepy kid.
Get in the back. Be happy you're coming.
Let's concentrate on apprehending the perp, okay?
Christ, it's like the fucking Goonies.
GORDON: What? No. I wouldn't want that even if she'd agree to it.
Why? Is that something that you like?
It's just a pinky.
KEYTECTIVE OPERATOR: Sorry for the delay. I can see that
the key is at Rossmore and Normandie.
But it seems to be moving.
It's moving west on Normandie.
West on Normandie.
Okay, great. Rose, go to Norton and Wilshire.
ROSE: I don't know where I am.
GORDON: Three more blocks. And then make a right.
Hey, driver, you got to go faster. We have to find the bike.
It's "Officer."
"Driver"? What's your dad, rich or something?
My dad's taxes pay your bills. Find the bike.
Kid, if you don't shut up, I'm going to drop you off right on this corner.
How about that?
God, I just want to find my bike!
And I just want
to be fucking fishing!
(SOBS) Oh, my God.
Oh, come on.
There you go. You've really hurt his feelings now.
Well, the kid's an asshole.
And here we are on the 101.
Looking down at the gorgeous San Fernando Valley.
Home of the porn industry,
where I had the opportunity to work at one point in my career.
I worked the boom mic.
But did that stop me from getting gonorrhea?
Well, I think we all know the answer to that.
(INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER)
What are you smoking?
It's an e-cig.
Fake cigarette.
That's dumb. I smoke weed. (CHUCKLING)
Great. Now we have to arrest you.
No, I was kidding.
Well, you're already in the back.
WALTER: Why is this kid here? DAVE: He's a witness.
WALTER: The yellow dress is going to give her away. (GASPS)
(GASPS)
(GROWLS)
You...
Over there! Over there, sir! Go back! There she is.
All right, all right. BOY: Make a U-turn. Hurry!
KID: Go back! WALTER: All right, all right, relax.
BOY: Come on! Drive faster! Stop banging on the glass!
(MAN SPEAKING IN KOREAN ON TV)
There it is! Over there. My bike! WALTER: I see the bike.
DAVE: Bingo! WALTER: Here we go. All right, she's here.
Stay in the car. X22 pursuing suspect on foot.
Entering parking lot, corner of Vermont and Third.
(GASPS)
Miko, is that you?
Come.
Uh...
WALTER: Police officer.
(FEIGNING FOREIGN ACCENT) Oh, no. Hello, hello?
No.
New girl.
Oh! New girl.
Okay, let's do this.
You know what to do?
(WHISPERING) God. I am never doing shots again.
And use plenty of lube.
X22, we are in pursuit inside the Happy Oasis Spa.
Copy that.
WOMAN: You, what do you fellows want?
Ma'am, we're in pursuit of a suspect.
We just want to look around a little bit.
You're not my guy. I took care of my guy already.
What does that mean, Walter?
Don't worry about it.
(MOANS SOFTLY)
Oh. Yeah, yeah. I like.
This is good. This is good.
(GAGS)
KEYTECTIVE OPERATOR: It stopped moving.
GORDON: Oh, great. Thank you.
Okay. She stopped moving.
We got an address. Let's do this. Let's go get her.
No, no. I go call my guy at the station.
My guy, Vic. Okay?
You know Vic?
(LAUGHS) Hilarious.
So, new girl, what's your name?
Kim Jong-il.
That's beautiful name.
Listen, can you push harder on muscle please?
Yeah, yeah. I know, you're tense, you're tense.
Oh, yeah.
I had bad night. This yellow whore cheat me out of fare.
I cab driver.
I chase her, but better I don't catch her.
In this country, you can't just kill.
This is exciting. Shh.
Kim, why you stop? (SHUSHING)
Uh... No, no. You're tense. You're so tense.
Good. Yeah. (GRUNTS) Stay down.
Quiet, quiet. Feet. I like that.
Time for happy conclusion.
Shh. (GRUNTS)
Shit.
(YELPS)
Kim, what happened? What was that?
(SCREAMS)
Kim. (GROANS)
You!
(CAB DRIVER SHOUTS IN RUSSIAN)
WALTER: This way. I'm coming! I got you covered.
Other side. I could kick it down.
Other side.
(SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN)
Jesus Christ. Did you see a woman in a yellow dress?
Yeah! She steal money from me and then she assaulted me.
Go find her. You are police!
Whoa.
Check it out.
She can't have gotten too far.
Stop! DRIVER: Out of the way!
Officer.
Any luck with Miles? Nothing.
DAN: We got to find her.
(GASPS)
Carpocalypse.
I can get across. I just have to...
No. (SCREAMS)
Oh, my God. Sorry. God, you scared me.
Who are you? What are you doing here?
I need to get across the freeway.
Underpass about a mile down.
No. I don't have to go that far. The freeway's empty.
There won't be any cars until 4:00 p.m.
I could maybe let you cross here.
Great.
For a toll.
A toll? I have nothing.
I have no money. I have no...
I like those.
They're a nice color.
Man! I just got these.
Hey, Dan, I'm over the freeway for the re-opening.
T-minus 30.
I'll shoot it and then hover. And you can come back to me live at 5:00.
Yeah, if we have an anchor.
What do you mean? Where's Meghan Miles?
You've got a feed from Chopper Steve. Check this out.
Dan, are you watching this? Yeah, Steve.
Oh, my God! There's a woman in a yellow dress trying to cross the freeway.
DAVE AND WALTER: Freeze! (SCREAMS)
Put your hands in the air!
Freeze! Get down on the ground!
Put your hands behind your back.
Hands back. Hands in the air!
Hands up or hands down?
Do not move. Let me see your hands.
Dave, stop talking about her hands.
I'm sorry, Walter.
I got this. Just let me handle this.
Don't move. Don't move.
We got her, Walter. We got her.
We got her. All right. Game over, ma'am.
Stop! Ma'am, stop! Shit. I knew it.
Come on, Dave. Come on. No!
Don't, don't, don't!
WALTER: No!
(HORNS HONKING) (SCREAMS)
DAVE: No!
ALL: Oh! WOMAN: God!
Oh, my God! She made it.
WALTER: Jesus Christ, she's an Olympian.
Walter, she's getting away!
I'm sorry!
Walter, we're stuck. That chick is a psycho.
Good job, Steve. Keep on her.
I'm on it. No, lost her.
Suckers.
(LAUGHS)
(HORN HONKS)
Do not call. Don't tell Vic!
But I got to call it in.
Do not tell Vic. I will fucking shoot you. Walter!
You left your purse in your car? Yes.
And your shoes, too?
Um...
I don't see what the shoes have to do with anything.
Okay, I cannot let you in that car without payment.
I have the key!
It's right here. Look.
Boop-boop. (CAR ALARM CHIMES)
See the boop? You can't block a boop-boop with your hand. Boop-boop.
Look, turn around. You'll see it boop-booping.
Mmm-mmm. I'm not going to fall for this. It could be a trick.
What kind of trick? What am I, a magician?
You need to calm down. I'm trying to help you.
You are? Yeah.
Really? Yeah.
Now, what is the address from where
"your" car was towed?
Okay. Yes.
It was... Um...
Okay. Well, it's not...
It's not my address.
Because I was visiting a friend at the time of the towing.
He was a...
It was a new friend.
Naughty.
Are you telling me that there's no way
that I could go to my car, without my license, and get my wallet,
which has my money?
Do you see what I'm laying down?
Do you see what I'm putting down?
I'm putting that down.
Are you trying to bribe me?
No.
That's a shame.
Because I was thinking I might want Quiznos for lunch today.
How much?
$500.
Quiznos does not cost $500.
It does for me.
Okay, you are going to let me into my car.
Hands off of there!
You are going to let me into my car!
Hands off! Stop it!
Get your hands off the glass!
Stop it. No!
I can see it! It's right there.
Hands off the glass.
Get out of here.
Give me my car. It's right there.
(GASPS AND SCREAMS)
No, not my purse! My purse. No, no, no!
(GRUNTS IN DISBELIEF)
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Fuck this.
(ENGINE STARTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Yes.
Yeah. Suck it, lady!
(LAUGHS)
Oh.
Come on, go. Come on. Go, go!
Come on. Come on.
No, no.
Got you.
(EXCLAIMS IN SURPRISE) I know you. You're stuck again.
You going to...
Hi, I'm Gordon. I'm from last night.
How are you doing? How are you doing?
Any chance you can pop the sunroof?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
All right, a little more.
Hi. Watch yourself.
Let's get you out of here. Apparently, you have some news to deliver.
How did you know? What are you...
I know everything.
Hi! Where's your car?
I don't have a car.
What? I know. I know. I know.
ROSE: Damn! What did you do to yourself? GORDON: Whoa, whoa.
DENISE: What did you do to my dress?
How did you guys find me? You got to get me out of here.
GORDON: Okay, tell me what's going on.
MEGHAN: I can't believe you guys are here.
We did it! You're alive!
I can't believe we found you. I can't believe it.
Oh, I love you so much.
Whoo-hoo!
How the heck did you guys find me?
Oh, God. Really? Yes.
How did you find me?
You got your friends and your GPS.
Your (STAMMERS) Keytective thing.
Oh, my God! Keytective!
Keytective! My commercial.
You thought of that? Yes!
That was genius. I know.
Do you want me to sing it? No, don't sing it.
Okay, I'm so sorry that I left. No, no. It's okay.
Honestly, I don't have a bigger regret in my life.
It led to the most insane...
I mean, I don't do this sort of thing at all.
No, no. It's okay.
Guys, I hate to interrupt your second date, because it's really cute,
but we've hit a wall.
(HORNS HONKING) MEGHAN: Oh, no.
SHIFT CAPTAIN: (OVER RADIO) Suspect in yellow dress spotted
entering black SUV moving east on Wilshire.
Bingo. We got her.
Who has my phone? He does.
I got it.
(PHONE RINGS)
Meghan, where the hell are you?
Yeah, I'm on my way. Listen, have hair and makeup standing by.
They're ready. They're ready. Get here.
And can you connect me to an outside line?
Hey there, I saw your ad on Swinging Singles.
Let me ask you something.
How can you be that hot, that young, and that single?
Oh, sorry. Got to go. Duty calls.
Lady, get out of the way!
Does the fucking siren not mean anything to you?
Meghan Miles, this is Chopper Steve setting down.
Okay!
I got to go. I got to do the news.
All right. Good luck! No, you come!
I'm not good with helicopters.
ROSE: Good luck, Meghan!
DENISE: You're going to be great! Kill it!
We love you, Meghan! Whoo!
Christ on a piece of halibut. What happened to you?
I need to get to the station.
This is crazy.
There was a girl in a yellow dress out there who almost got killed.
Yeah, yeah. That's nuts. Let's go.
Let's cut some sky.
Meghan!
We love you, Meghan!
Good luck, Meghan!
DENISE: You're going to be great!
ROSE: Read that news!
It's so exciting!
Cops, cops. Cops, cops, cops.
Okay, let me do all the talking. No, opposite, opposite.
Ma'am, did you see a woman in a yellow dress get on that helicopter?
I saw Meghan Miles, undercover investigator for KZLA,
get on a helicopter.
Wait, the woman we're chasing is just a reporter?
Dear God, it's worse than we ever imagined.
The hooker has infiltrated the media,
where she's posing as KZLA's Meghan Miles.
What do you mean, she's infiltrated the media?
So, you're saying that our best friend Meghan
is an undercover hooker?
It looks that way.
So, you have an idiot friend, too?
Yeah, mine's by choice. I mean, you got stuck with this guy, right?
We have her, let's move!
(GASPS) (ALL GASPING)
Oh, my God, honey! There's too much to do.
DAN: Move. Come on, get on the chair. Hurry up.
WOMAN: Triage. Just do the upper line.
Okay.
(ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
DAN: I got her. Let's go. MAN: Go, go, go.
This is the copy?
WOMAN: Ten seconds to air. Come on.
Hi.
All right, this is going to be great. It's up to me, right?
ANNOUNCER: And now, here's Meghan Miles with your news.
WOMAN: In three, two, one. DAN: Perfect.
Right. All right. Get out!
Good evening, I'm Meghan Miles.
Our top story.
A woman authorities describe
as a bitter and deranged prostitute
in a yellow dress is rampaging through our city.
This hooker hoodlum's...
(SOFTLY) Hooker hoodlum's... Um...
This working girl's sinister spree
began with a dispute with an immigrant cab driver
and would include evading police,
distributing crack cocaine, and possible
hate crimes.
Oh.
In other news...
You know, I know I'm only supposed to read the news today.
But I
can't read this story because I know
that it's not true.
Because this story's about me.
I am the Hooker Hoodlum. Look. Look, it's me.
The yellow dress and the...
I'm the breaking story.
Yeah. I'm your news at 5:00.
Your... Look at this. Huh?
The bad guy of the hour. (GROWLS)
Shall we dig a little deeper?
"Hooker Hoodlum." Hmm.
Hooker. Yes.
I woke up in a stranger's bed.
A lovely, lovely stranger.
And I had to endure a really weird, very long
walk of shame.
Look at these feet. This is how much I walked, right here.
But I am not a hooker.
Which I have said repeatedly all evening long.
Also, I'm not ashamed.
I shouldn't have called it a walk of shame.
Not ashamed.
And I don't care what people think anymore
because it is exhausting.
(GRUNTS) So, let's just let the shame lie with everyone
who took one look at a girl in a...
In this...
I mean, this is not, I agree, the most conservative outfit,
but this should not automatically make me a pariah or prey.
And besides... Meghan, have you lost your mind?
The point is that everything I did,
I did because I was trying to get back here
so that I could convince a few people
that I am someone that I no longer am.
I am not safe or perfect.
And if I'm going to tell you the news,
I should be telling the real story
and not just reading this dumb script.
Dan, I'm sorry. You're the best.
You've been nothing but the best to me.
And you're gonna haul me out of here.
So, real quick, I just need to say that,
Kyle, I never want to see you again.
I know that for sure now.
I'm so glad I dumped her.
Kyle Mullen!
We traced your number from a recovered
cell phone used by a drug syndicate.
What are you talking about?
Rose and Denise, thank you more
for being my friends and coming to get me.
We did good.
We crushed it.
Hey, is it too early for shots?
BIKER: Hell to the no.
What are you still doing here?
And, um, new guy, Gordon. Hey.
So, I'm a little bit crazy. (LAUGHS)
Also, you looked really good in this dress.
I just remembered that part.
And one last thing.
A big shout out to my boys,
Scrilla, Hulk, and especially Pookie.
(ALL YELLING AND CHEERING)
Dang it! What!
And to Little Skeezy or Skanky maybe. And his uncle in chinos.
I'm sorry I don't remember the rest, Pooks.
That's my bitch from the news.
That's the news. I'm Meghan Miles.
Be well or, you know, whatever.
Just... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Just be yourself. I mean, just...
Okay. Thanks, Dan. Good luck, Chuck.
WOMAN: Chuck, move to Meghan's chair.
I think we should get out of here.
Yeah, maybe we should go. Yeah, I think we should.
Meghan Miles, you will be missed.
Good day, Los Angeles. I'm Chuck Rogers.
That wasn't... You know what happened. I'm not crazy.
No, what was crazy about... Meghan.
Incredible.
Yeah. I'm really sorry.
You should hire Chang.
I mean, what an incredible idea for an investigative series.
The girl in the yellow dress.
Right, but you know I didn't plan that. It was just what happened.
Even better.
Like To Catch a Predator meets...
Tyra Banks in a fat suit.
Meets Undercover Millionaire. JORDAN: Yeah.
It's fresh.
Meghan, I know there's something
we can do together at the network.
What are we talking about?
It's a reality show.
I love it. JORDAN: Love it.
Reality.
GORDON: Your call.
I need to think about it. And get back to you.
Dan, here, can get the ball rolling.
I just need a pair of shoes.
Maybe a sandwich? Yeah, we need some shoes.
Some food, too. Definitely.
Maybe brush my teeth. Right?
No, no, you're fine.
Just do some hair fixing. I got your back, Meghan.
Oh, boy.
So, what do you have in mind for us?
You two are a package?
Yeah, I'm her producer.
How much to go away?
Hey, babe. There he is. Arrest him.
Sir, we need you to stand up, put your hands behind your back.
What are you talking about? Put your cookies down. Let's go.
What are you doing, arresting me? For what? Being too sexy?
(HANDCUFFS RATTLING) Ow!
So, your place or mine?
Oh. Yeah. Um...
I'd love to show you mine. It's very empty. But it has a bed.
GORDON: Nice. How are we going to get there?
MEGHAN: Ooh. I have not thought of that.
GORDON: Maybe we should take that cab?
No, no.
No time for that. No, it's not.
No cab? I never want to see a cab again.
Okay. (LAUGHS)
MEGHAN: We're going to walk. We can walk. That's fine with me.
MEGHAN: This will be more of an adventure.
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)