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Please.
- Please give it back, man. - What is wrong with you, man?
You're fucking disgusting.
You make me sick. You get off on that?
- Give it back. - Get the fuck outta here.
Let me get your ID.
Oh, you're gonna let this piece of shit in?
Seriously?
- Enjoy your night, all right? - Thank you.
- Ow! Shit. - Give it back.
Ouch. Take it! Take it!
- Take it! - Give it back. Give it back!
Holy shit.
Ow. Fucking hurting me.
What the fuck?
- Let me get that back. - No, no, no, don't give it back.
Ow! Ow, you're hurting me.
Come on, you look like a nice guy.
Yeah, I'm a piece of shit, though, right?
No, no, I didn't mean that.
Give me that fucking shit back.
- Oh, my God. Holy shit. - Give it back.
- Give it back! - No. One sec.
- So wait, this guy took your ID? - Took my fucking ID.
Why don't you give them back their ID?
- Give it back, okay? - Why don't you just give them back their ID?
Give it back.
They're just a couple of cute girls.
They just want their ID back.
If you just give me back the ID, I'll give you the walkie.
We'll call it a night.
Wait...
Come here. Come closer.
You ready?
- Okay. - Okay, okay, okay.
One, two, three, go.
That was funny.
I didn't see that coming.
That was amazing.
Wow, that was amazing. That's such a good game.
Yeah, that was fun.
- Good for me. - It felt good for you?
We're really good at playing games.
I get it. I got it.
- I'm ahead of you ladies. - Uh, no. Come on...
How old are you guys, really?
Seriously, how old?
I don't know but, um, really, how old are you?
Yeah, how old are you?
- How old are you girls? - How old are you?
- Seriously. - How old are you?
Are we playing that game?
You should do it.
- Really? - Yes.
- Yes. Yes. Yeah, you should. - Really?
- Do it. Do it. Yeah, yeah. - Wait, should I?
- I have to think about it for a second. - Come on, you have to.
What are we doing?
Okay, wait. I'll only do it, though...
I'll only do it if you do it, too.
What game are we playing?
Don't worry.
- Just say yes. - You're gonna do it,
- and then I'll do it. - Just say yes.
It's fun. You're gonna love it.
- What... What is it? - Okay, actually?
Pinky swear.
Okay.
There.
Okay, bite on it.
Go, bite. There. Okay.
- Okay, ready? - Yes. Yes!
Okay, let's do it!
Okay, um...
- Joseph - Coming, I'm coming.
Oh, fuck, man.
Dude. Come on!
Okay. Okay. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!
- Right here. Okay. - Okay.
Okay, am I actually gonna do this?
- Brittany! - What are we doing?
Oh, my God.
How do we play... How do we play this game?
- Okay. - Okay.
Hold her fucking arms down.
- What? - You have to hold my arms down
really, really, fucking tight.
Come on, hold her arms down.
Jesus Christ, I'm not holding her fucking arms down.
- Why not? - Becau... What the fuck?
- What, you don't want to have fun? - Come on!
Just do it.
- All right. - Come on, Joe.
All right, I'll hold her arms down.
Okay...
No. No.
Like this?
Fuck. Fuck! Oh, my God.
She really likes you, by the way.
What the fuck, Brittany? Not true.
Don't tickle me.
- Wow. - What?
- No, no, no. - Fucking slut.
Please don't.
Now, are you ready?
Okay, you basically have to pour a shot of vodka...
...in my eye.
- Ready? - Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, you gotta hold my eye open.
You're gonna pour a shot of vodka in your eye?
- It gets you, like, ten times more drunk. - Yo, chill the fuck out.
- You're so uptight, Mr. Joe. - I know, I know.
- Come on. Come on. - You're not really gonna pour...
- Hold her eyeball open. - Are you fucking serious?
So she can't blink.
Come on, hold your eye open.
This is so good.
Okay, okay, okay.
- Are you ready? - I fucking love it.
Yeah, I love it. I fucking love this.
Okay. Okay. Go. Go.
Go! Oh, my God.
Go. Go. Go! Fucking do it!
Fucki...
Put more. Put more in. Put more.
- No, no! - Put more!
Ow. Fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, man.
Oh, my God.
I can't even fucking feel my eye.
- Oh, my God. - Are you okay?
- Oh, my gosh. - What the fuck did you do to her?
Whoa, I just fuckin' poured the vodka in her eye.
You told me to do it. You said you fucking done it before.
Let me see. Let me see.
- No. Fuck. - Don't touch her.
- Look, I ain't gonna fucking... - You're making it worse.
Do you want some water or something?
Just fuck you.
All right, fuck me.
Fuck!
Yay!
- Your turn. - Your fucking turn.
Your turn. Your turn.
I'm not fuckin' doing that. That was insane.
- Yeah, you are. - That was so good, though.
- It felt so fucking good. - You have to do it.
That's not funny. You weren't faking that,
because that fucking hurt.
Yeah, you did a good job holding me down,
but now it's your turn.
Now it's your fucking turn.
I'm not doing that shit. I'm not doing that.
- I'm not doing that. - You have to.
- Let's go. You have to do it, Mr. Joe. - No fucking way.
How are you gonna hold me down?
You have to do it now.
You're gonna hold me down?
You're a pussy.
Do the fucking shot.
Just do... just-just...
And then you just...
- Come on, Joe. Come on. - All right. All right.
- I'll do it. I'll do it. - All right, let's do this.
- Now. - Now, now, now, now.
- Come on. - Don't talk, just do it.
I'm not talking. I'm fucking thinking about how dumb this is.
You can't hang out with us if you don't do the fucking shot.
Yeah, man.
- Do it! - Okay, okay.
Goddamn, it does fucking hurt.
Come on, you little bitch.
- You little fucking bitch. - Can't believe you did it.
God. Fuck!
Shit.
Oh, God. Fuck.
I'm very serious.
No, don't. Don't do that.
Don't, but that... It's that spot.
How does that hurt?
Please don't do that. No.
- What? - Please, stop. Let me go.
- No. - Stop, I don't like that.
You don't like what?
You hurt me.
Mmm.
Well...
What?
I have a question.
Okay.
Um, I hear...
There's a rumor that older men
like to stick a pinky... like a little pinky finger
up their ass right before they're about to, like...
Right before they're about to "blow it."
- I wanna know. - I'm not gonna make you do that.
Tell me if you're that type of guy. Have you ever...
- Have you ever done that? - Have you ever done it?
Have you ever done that?
Is that... was that passive aggressive?
Do you want to put your finger in my ass?
- I never said that. - Uh-huh.
Never said that. Never said that.
You suck... You suck at tickling.
How about now?
- No, no. - Do I still suck at tickling?
Oh, God, man. Ugh!
Get off me.
Why do you want to know what I'm into? What're you into?
I don't know.
I'm bored.
I mean...
What? Stare at me.
So what do you want to do?
Uh, I-I don't know what I wanna do.
- But what is over there? - Oh, it's...
What is that?
What?
What is it?
It's hand cream.
Oh.
I mean, why do you have lotion?
Why do you have women's lotion next to your bed?
- It's hand cream. - Oh, I want some.
You're so fun.
Oh, I'm sorry. I got it in your mouth.
Why do you have lotion?
What else do you have in here?
I wanna look at your stuff.
What's in there? What's in your, uh...
- In my closet. - Yeah.
You know what's in my closet.
Come on, I wanna go.
Come on, please? Let me.
What?
What is this?
What in the...
Whose clothing is this?
- Whose stuff is that? - It's my roommate's stuff.
Oh, your roommate.
- Your roommate is fat as fuck, man. - Thank you.
Thank you for that.
Oh, my God.
What, do you share your bed with your roommate, too?
She's not...
my girlfriend or anything, if that's what you're asking.
Whoa, you don't have to get defensive.
Not defensive. I'm...
Look at this shit, it's hideous.
Look, why don't you just get out of the closet. Please.
Let's play a game.
Why don't...
Come on.
Let's play "Who Wore it Better?"
Me or your roommate.
Wow, what the fuck is this?
What the fuck? This is crazy.
What is this? I mean...
Will you just... fucking take that off and come back to bed?
I mean, do I look cute?
Tell me I look better than your roommate.
You look better than my roommate.
Oh, come on. Are you mad at me now?
Why is your face all red?
Your face is all red.
I'll put your shirt on.
Better?
Dude.
Where's your friend?
So you're just, like, willing to give it all away for a fuck?
Okay.
What are you doing?
- Oh, my God. Stop. Are you done? - What?
You want me to do something else?
No, let's just take a break for a second.
Okay?
- Let's just take a break for a second. - Yeah, I got it.
Are you all right?
Yeah.
Feel this.
Jesus Christ, what does it do?
What does it do to you, besides fucking that?
Gets you fucking wasted.
- I guess so. - Whee!
Are you gonna do it, Joseph?
I'm going to do it.
Now.
Ooh.
Oh, that wasn't even good.
That wasn't enough, Joseph. You cheated.
- So what do you do? - I...
...do a really boring job that you don't wanna know about.
No, we're...we're actually dying to know.
- I, uh... - We're, like, on the edge of our seats.
You don't wanna know, do you?
Seriously, what do you do for a living?
Come on, what do you do?
I am a financial analyst.
I do cost-plus analyses.
"Analy-sees."
Wait, hold on.
Wait...
How much do you make?
Do you make dickloads of money, Joseph?
- Joseph... - How much money do you make?
Why are you acting so lame?
It's not okay to just ask somebody that question.
You wanna tell us, so just tell us.
I make six figures.
Aw, so you're poor.
That's not rich.
I think you've seen too many rap videos.
- What? Okay, Grandpa. - Rap videos?
Which rappers are you referring to?
Where's my phone? Can you pass me my phone, please?
What do you girls want to do when you grow up?
Brittany, pose.
- What are you doing? - Britty, get on the couch.
Get on the couch.
- Yeah. - No, no, no, don't do that.
Yeah.
Come on, do the... Do the really good pose.
No, no, no, no.
Please don't do that. Please don't do that.
Mm, yeah.
- Vogue. Vogue. Vogue. - Please don't take pictures.
No, don't do that. Don't do that.
- Give it to me. - I'm just gonna put it on Facebook.
No, don't do that. It's not funny.
- It already posted. - Jesus.
- It already posted. No, it posted automatically. - No, it didn't.
- It doesn't do that. - Yeah, no, kids and their phones these days.
- It doesn't do that. - Crazy. You'd be... We'd blow your mind.
I know you do.
Oh, Joe.
Joseph. Joseph and his girlfriend.
Does your girlfriend have a Facebook?
What girlfriend?
- Yeah, Joe has a girlfriend. - Shut up.
- Yeah. - Joseph, what the fuck?
You have to tell us these things.
- And get this, she fucking... - You have a girlfriend
- and you didn't fucking tell us? - Wait, she fucking lives here.
- She doesn... - Joseph!
She doesn't fucking live here.
- She doesn't live... - Eww!
You're a fucking pig, Joseph.
I mean, you really disappoint me.
You really disappoint me.
Well, she's the one who's fucking her coworker.
She's the one who's fucking her coworker right now.
You're fucking disgusting.
You're a fucking pig.
That's ridiculous, Joe.
Oh, that's funny. Mm, that's good.
- You don't have to lie. - I'm not fucking lying.
You don't have to lie. We don't give a shit.
So are we part of some plan to get back at your ex?
No, this is not fucking about revenge.
- Thought it would be fun to go out and make new friends. - Friends!
Okay, let me ask you this.
- How much money does your girlfriend make? - I don't know.
- How much money does she make? - I don't know!
You don't need to know how much she makes.
- You live with her. - You definitely know.
She definitely makes more money.
All you care about is money.
She definitely makes more money than you.
Brittany! The girlfriend makes more money than he does.
Obviously.
Hey, hey, hey. Brittany.
What do you do with these fucking pills?
Why do you take them?
To get high, Joseph!
So your doctor tells you to put 'em up your fucking nose?
- Why do you take 'em? - Chill out, she has problems.
She actually has a problem. Bipolar... Wait, what is it?
It's borderline personality...
- She actually has it. - Are you on the border?
So what happens if you don't... if you don't take your pills?
- What do you do? Do you go fucking insane? - It's not good, Joseph.
Show Joseph what happens when you don't take your medicine.
It's not great.
- Ooh. Do I get punished? - Maybe.
- Does whoever's in your path get destroyed? - Yeah.
- Get fucking crazy. - Yeah. Yeah!
Loco. Could just do anything.
Do some crazy shit.
- Oh? - Yeah.
- What could you do? - I could kill you.
- Really? Mmm. - Yep.
I thought so.
Don't treat me differently now, though.
Now that you know I'm dangerous.
Mm-hm.
Sometimes people get weird.
So, Joe...
If you could change one thing...
about this mysterious lady that lives in your house...
His roommate. It's his roommate.
Okay. Okay. You did not call her your roommate.
- Yes, he did. - She's... just my roommate.
- Joseph! - Go on, finish your question.
I mean, we could talk about something
more interesting, but I guess we're not going to.
Tell us about all this new shit.
Yeah, what... I mean, what's wrong?
I mean, why is she... Why isn't she here?
What would you change about her?
I don't know. Not much, I guess.
I mean, besides the fact that she's fucking cheating on me.
I would change that right away.
Oh, my God, Brittany...
Come on, tell us. We want to know.
- Look, the truth is a lot less... - We want to get to know you.
What's the truth, Joe?
It's a lot less interesting than you think it is.
Well... that's depressing.
That is, it's kinda sad.
I mean, she has this... this whole idea
of what life is supposed to be.
And it's...
You get married. You have kids.
You retire. You die. And that's what she wants.
- And I just... - Oh.
That's kinda weird.
That's boring.
We were thinking more like...
Like, you want to change her into a little Asian chick.
- You know, like... - Yeah.
You're better than that, Joseph.
Yeah...
Yeah, Joseph. You're better than that.
No, I mean you should be with someone exciting.
I agree. Sometimes I think that that's the truth.
What else, Joseph?
This is a safe place.
Well, okay.
If she could change something about you
what do you think she would change?
Probably everything.
What? That's not good.
Then I don't think you should be with this girl.
I-I guess, she would want me to change the fact
that I'm really passionate about certain things
that she's not passionate about, like motorcycles.
I love riding motorcycles. She hates that.
Ooh!
You have a motorcycle?
Yes, I have a motorcycle. Do you like motorcycles?
Are you going through a mid-life crisis, Joseph?
I'm in my thirties.
Yeah, but thirties are the new forties.
Yeah, are you going through a mid-life crisis?
See, thirties... Thirties are not that old.
It's kind of... It seems pretty old right now.
I don't know. I think you're mistaken.
- I have a really serious question for you, Joseph. - Okay.
- I want you to answer 100% honestly, though. - I will.
- Don't hold back. Don't be afraid. - Okay.
If you were...
to rate my drugs...
if you were to give my drugs a Michelin star rating,
what would they get?
The Michelin guide has denied your request
to be published in our publication.
- What? That's fucked up. - But Yelp...
Yelp is perfect for your drugs.
They would get...
we'd give it four stars. I would give it four stars.
- Four out of what? - Out of five.
That's some bullshit.
It's four out of five. The service is amazing.
The atmosphere is incredible.
Sometimes it gets a little bit loud
with people laughing too much.
And, uh...and...
The real...the real shit comes in the special menu
that they only give to certain VIPs.
Mmm.
I don't know.
Especially since she's passed the fuck out.
Allyson...
Allyson?
Ally...
Baby
She's breathing.
I thought she had died.
It's like, "Whew!"
Take your dick out.
Stop. Wait.
Take your pants off.
And do what?
Wow, why am I taking my pants off?
Put your dick on her face.
Please, please, please.
- Okay, okay, okay. - I'll love you forever.
Oh, my God.
Hurry up. Take the picture.
Fuck are you doing?
Ew! What the fuck?
Oh, my God.
Ew, dude.
Brittany!
You bitch.
What the fuck, dude?
She made me do it.
You're a fucking perv.
Let me see the picture.
Ew! You're disgusting.
- You're both disgusting. - I know, I know.
Are they good? Let me see, let me see.
Oh, my God, these are really good.
- Let me see. - Let me see them.
- You're gonna delete them! - Let me see it.
These are so good.
You didn't get my face or anything, did you?
- So fucking good. - Oh, my God...
What the fuck, guys, let me s...
I wake up out of a daze,
and this girl is standing over me, she's completely naked.
And I'm... I've never seen anything like that.
I mean, I've never seen pubic hair.
I've never seen a girl with her titties hanging out.
- What? Chill out. - Oh, dude.
Labia, uterus, the whole thing. I've never seen it.
And she's ramming both of her hands inside of her.
I mean, just...violent.
- Ew... - I don't even know
I'm not even aware of the body human at this point.
So-so my sexuality is coming into full bloom...
Dude, I don't think...
I've ever actually even gotten a hard-on at that age.
Wait, wait, wait.
How old were you?
I was nine.
Ew, okay. And wait, how old was she?
She was 13.
- Wow, older woman. - Let me finish the fuckin' story.
- Is that rape? - Older women. And then she...
lies down next to me and grabs my hand,
and puts my hand inside of her, too.
- And she starts moaning... - What the fuck?
- I don't, I'm sorry... - At the time,
I don't know that she's into it.
I don't even know what it means.
- And she starts crying. - Did you start crying?
It just felt like the right thing to do.
We'd never been in this situation before.
So, I didn't know what was happening,
and then when somebody else starts crying,
I started crying. She starts crying.
Wait, so that's not really losing your virginity.
Well, no. No. But... Then we fucked.
So you're like, "I'm the man."
I'm the fucking man.
How many nine-year-olds do you know
that were getting laid in their tree house?
And it's just, like... been downhill ever since.
I'm sure that...
I just can't imagine a nine-year-old...
No, and I'm sure your first experience
was absolutely magic and they were Prince Charming
and horses and rose petals and the whole thing, right?
- Allyson doesn't have a first time! - Stop!
Fuck you!
Not true. Not true at all.
Fuck you. Fuck you, dude.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, what?
Okay. Okay...
- She's saving herself. - Oh, my God.
Wait. Wait a second...
Are you gonna keep fucking talking for me?
So, even... Have you ever been with guys?
Yeah, she's a real slut.
Has a...has a guy ever gone down on you?
Wait, do we... Is this...
Did something happen for the first time downstairs?
But really...
was that your first time?
Is that the closest any man has ever been to your...
- This is, like, a big night. - ...to your vagina?
- This is a big night. - This is pretty intense.
We should have a ceremony to celebrate.
I knew it was gonna be an amazing night,
but I had no idea it was gonna be
one that she'd remember for the rest of her life.
A sacrificial virgin.
When you ride in the car with your parents,
do you ride in the front seat or in the backseat?
- Backseat. - You ride in the backseat? You ride in the backseat?
- In a little car seat? Is that a little car seat? - In a little seat.
And there's a little sign on the car that says,
- "Baby On Board." - Do you have a little binky?
Seriously, just tell me how old you are.
Okay.
Look, here's the thing.
I mean, you can think about sex as some sacred,
special thing that you're holding out for,
that only happens in the chamber of the Lord,
and that's great, that's a great choice.
Or, you can just fuck.
Because it feels good.
Just fuck.
Who are you calling?
Hey.
Joseph...
Who keeps calling?
A chill night.
No, no, just a quiet night.
I'm just watching television.
I don't... I don't think that we really need
to make this a thing right now.
You could tell me about your day if you want to. It's fine.
No, no, I'm listening. I am listening.
Oh, he's... He's there right now?
I just don't know why you want to have this conversation
in front of somebody else, right now.
No, I'm not jealous. It's not a jealousy thing.
It's just...
I don't think we should be doing this conversation,
having this conversation right now, I'm exhausted.
I had a long day, and we can totally talk in the morning.
Okay? Yeah.
Whatever, okay?
Goddammit.
- I need a drink. - Wow. Joe...
I need another drink.
So is she actually cheating on you?
I mean, I kinda thought you were lying before.
Is this the girl of your dreams?
You guys are amazing, but I'm not really in the mood
to hear some love advice from some slutty teenagers who I just met on the street.
- Oh, my God. - Whoa!
- Joseph! - Out of line, Joseph.
Okay, look. It's really funny
'cause you kinda act like, all macho man,
then when you talk to your girlfriend, you sound like a little bitch.
Stop.
- Fuck off, all right? - Oh, no, no, no.
I mean, seriously, you're gonna be fucking yourself
because you keep acting like a little lapdog bitch.
What would you have me do?
- Okay, I'm a lapdog. - I get it.
Thank you for that.
Joe, where, um... where is this girl?
I mean, where is she?
Philadelphia.
How far is that?
So what?
So think about it this way.
She's two hours away.
She could've came home tonight.
But she just didn't.
She's...
fucking another guy right now.
They're not fucking.
Dude, I think you should fucking
call her up and be like,
"Honey, I'm with two fucking hot girls,
and I'm gonna fuck their brains out in our bed tonight."
That sounds like a really fucking smart idea.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
- Dude, it would make her jealous. - You bitches are fucking crazy.
Dude, she's fucking getting fucked in the ass
- by a huge dick right now, man. - Just fucking stop.
- It's fucked up. - Okay, okay.
You're actually a little bit right, right now.
But just give me one fucking second.
- Please. - Okay.
- You deserve better, Joe. - Come on, Joseph!
Is this how you see your life?
Is this how you see yourself?
Like, with someone who doesn't respect you?
All I see here is disrespect.
And I think that you have to stand up for yourself.
Actually? Stand up.
Like, literally?
Stand the fuck up.
Okay. Joe.
- Joe. - Mr. Joseph. Okay.
Are you a man?
- Yes. - Yeah, you are.
Are you a "fucking man?"
- Yes. - Yes, you are. Okay.
So, if you're a fucking man...
then you can't be a little bitch.
I'm a man. I get it. I get your point.
- You're a man, so make the fucking phone call. - I get your point.
Call right now. Right now.
Call her.
Tell that bitch that you're over it.
- It's ringing. - What? Oh, my God.
Hey.
No, I was just... I'm calling...
No, I'm just watching TV.
Are you fucking him?
No, cut the fucking bullshit. Right now, okay?
Just tell me the fucking truth.
No, look...
just, you're fucking dancing around the subject.
Are you fucking him or not?
Because how would it make you feel if I went away
for the weekend with... with two girls?
I'm not playing games right now. They're actually right fucking here.
As a matter of fact, I'll put 'em on. I'll put 'em on.
Hey, look, I'm just tired of being that guy
who's gonna sit around and wait for you
and cry while I'm waiting for you.
I'm not gonna fuckin' do that.
And, uh, Brittany, who's fucking super hot,
she says she loves me and she won't keep her fucking hands off me.
So fuck you, too.
All right. No, don't fucking come at me...
Okay.
All right. No, no. Okay.
You have a great fucking night too, okay?
So fuck off. Fuck you.
"Fuck you!"
How was that? Was that fucking good?
- That was fucking amazing. - That was so fucking good.
She's the one that brought that on herself
- because she's fucking someone else. - Exactly.
You have no reason to defend yourself.
I fucking agree.
Think about it this way... it's over now.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Yeah, it's fu... - She's gone!
Yeah, it's fucking over.
- Don't you feel better? - I don't fucking know
- how I feel right now. - By the way?
Thanks for bringing me into it.
It's fine. Sorry.
No, I don't think it's really fucking "fine"
because isn't she kind of close?
- Yeah, she's in Philadelphia. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dude, she's not coming back here tonight, is she?
Mmm...Joe?
You have no reason to, um, worry, here.
Yeah. Yeah, it's... I mean, fuck. It's the right...
It's definitely the right thing to do.
- Definitely. - Yeah.
Maybe this is the girl for you.
Or maybe it's not.
I can't bel...
Dude. Joe. I think you're better off this way.
I do too. Uh, maybe.
Yes, you're better off.
- Seriously, dude. - You fucking made me do that.
- I know. - You got this off your chest.
- Good for you, man. - Just wait a fucking second
because this is not fucking playtime for one second, okay?
Just go, just give me a second.
- Relax. - Breathe.
You can find another girl.
You're, like, almost really good-looking.
Yeah, you're almost good-looking.
That's... that's helping a lot.
A lot, right now. That's really fucking...
No, no, no, you guys are doing great. Keep going.
This is great. I'm just gonna go outside.
- Can I just... - Sit down, sit down.
- It's okay. - You just need to relax. We're gonna have a drink.
- We're gonna dance. - We're gonna have a drink.
You just have to chill out and take a break from her.
- I'm gonna chill out. - Just...
So, it's like, this bitch works there,
and she won't even mention my idea.
And I'm thinking, like, "Why not,
'cause it's fucking brilliant." I'll start my own stand.
I might do like, some jams, maybe some spicy yams.
I dig it. You're gonna make so much money.
You've gotta help me.
Joseph!
Hey, you really have a motorcycle?
Joseph!
Do you have a motorcycle or what?
Hello?
Do ya? Do you? Do you? Do you?
I do.
- So let's go for a ride. - Yeah.
All three of us?
Ally hates motorcycles.
When did I say that?
So, I'll go so you don't have to.
What should I do?
Hang out at the apartment.
Give me your keys.
Give her the keys, Joe!
What do I do?
Put your hand on the throttle.
What is that?
Exactly, that's why we're not really doing this.
This lesson is over before it even gets started.
Come on. What are you worried about? No one's around.
Help! Fire!
See?
- Come on! - Listen...
Do you wanna die or do you want to have a little fun tonight?
What's the difference, Joe?
Will you give me a kiss?
You have a girlfriend.
Don't you?
- Or do you? - I don't think I do.
Are you sure?
I thought you liked Allyson.
- I like you. - She likes you.
If you wanna get with Ally...
Thanks for making me feel like a shitty friend.
What do you say that we just have a little fun tonight,
and then we make promises that tomorrow
we're gonna be a better friend and a better boyfriend.
Oh...
- now there's a plan. - It is a good plan.
I just want you...
When was the last time you had a good fuck?
Are you a really good fuck?
Yeah.
I am.
But we're not gonna fuck.
Why are we not gonna fuck?
- What? - Give me a kiss.
But you would fuck me.
I mean, that's what you think about me, right?
I think you're a fucking tease.
Show me how to work this thing.
No, you gotta give me a kiss first.
No. Stop.
Seriously, what do you think about me?
You're fucking pathetic.
But, why?
- Seriously? - Because my girlfriend's cheating on me?
That's it?
Why do you have to make it so complicated?
Look, I just want you.
Come here.
Look, if you want Ally...
give her some attention.
Can you do that?
Oh, my God. Oh. My god.
What do you have to drink?
Um...wow.
Okay...
All right, um...
What do you have to drink?
Yeah, something that's not disgusting, please.
Um, okay...
Can we just get out of my bedroom, please?
Lighten up.
- You do reali... - Relax.
Fuck.
Okay, and now you guys are gonna get the fuck out of my bedroom.
Yep.
Nothing happened.
I don't care.
- Are you mad at me? - No, no.
- Are you mad? - Brittany, what happened?
- Nothing. Dude. - Aw, you like him.
Ew, I so don't. That's disgusting. No, I don't.
Did you make out with him?
I love you.
Say it back.
Say that you love me. Please, Allyson.
She loves you. She loves you so much. She really does.
- And I'm really sorry, and I just love you. - And she's really sorry.
And she just loves you.
- And you're my best friend. - Fuck you.
- Please! - Yeah, whatever.
Okay, now do, like...
...kisses.
Okay, ready?
Don't you want to take a picture with Joe?
I'm good.
You're good? Why not?
I'm in a happy place.
- Why don't you take a picture with Joe? - I might.
Please don't do that.
No, no, no. Please don't take pictures.
Why? Why don't you want to take one?
Oh, my God. We're not gonna tag you or anything. Come on.
I'll take pictures of you but not with you.
Come on, come on, come on.
- Okay, okay, take a picture. - Of you.
- How cute are we? - You're pretty... cute.
That's actually good.
Okay, get a little bit closer together.
Okay, even tighter.
I can... No, I can see that there's...
One more, one more, one more.
- Yeah. - More.
Put your hand on her titty.
Give me that! Let me see. Let me see.
- I'm deleting these. - Try without the flash.
- Now I gotta do it again. - Another one.
Stick your tongues out.
- Oh, my God. - Let me see!
These are acceptable. Thank you.
- What about you, Joe? - No, no, no.
- Take a picture with me. - No.
- Take a picture with her. - Please? Please? Please?
Don't be a loser. Take a picture, let's go.
All right.
Okay, ready?
Come on, you guys are being so boring.
Can you get in the picture together, please?
Let's get sexual.
I wanna see you guys in love.
Yeah, there we go.
Aw, Joe's blushing.
Come on, Joe. Get into it.
Let me see it.
Wait, wait, wait. Okay, ready?
Yeah, like that.
Yeah, Ally. Work it.
Wait, so does your girlfriend have Instagram
or Tumblr or Facebook?
That's not... That's not funny.
Okay? You're not posting these.
Sconex.
Take a hold of your woman. Let's go.
That's not funny, okay? We're not posting these pictures.
Doesn't she already know we're here?
Does she have an "@address?" I could, like, tag her.
I just wanna follow her, actually. I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna put up any pictures.
Look, why don't we just do some more pills?
Maybe he's worried about evidence.
Like, "playing with younger girls" evidence.
- Ooh! - Really?
Is this where you keep the pills?
I think he's worried about getting arrested.
You need to relax.
- Is this where you keep your pills? - That's mine, put that down.
Oh, well, I'll be happy to look through your bag.
- That's great. - Give it back.
No, thank you.
What? No, I'm just gonna look through it.
I'll just look through it. It's no problem.
- Just put it down. - I'll gladly look through it.
Give it back. Just give it back to me.
What? Why? I don't want to.
- Give it to me... - No, I will...
Just tell me what's in the bag.
Just very quickly. What's in the bag?
What are you so afraid of?
What's in the bag?
- Just give it back to me. - Oh, my God.
Oh. Oh. Ah!
- What's in here? - Don't you dare.
- What's in here - Don't you...
Ally...
Oh, thank you.
- Seriously? - What? We're just gonna...
I don't even understand what the big deal is.
- Give my bag to me. - Uh-uh, uh-uh-uh!
Give me the bag.
Oh, shit.
Do it.
Oops?
Was that a question?
Dude, it's just a picture.
It was a very fucking expensive picture.
- Holy shit. - That's amazing.
Oh, my God. It's fucking right on the print.
You just totally fucked that print up.
And you. What the fuck? What are you hiding?
Come here. Show us.
Okay, before I do this I just want you to know...
What's in your fucking bag?
I'm really sorry.
Don't get mad, okay?
Is that fucking mine?
Is it yours, or is it your girfriend's?
What fucking difference does it make? It's not yours!
And it shouldn't be in your goddamn bag.
At least I didn't break your picture.
What else have you done? Huh?
What else have you touched in this place?
Tell me that you haven't fucking fucked with anything else.
- What else is fucking in your bag? - Oh, my God.
Tell me that you haven't messed with any more of my shit.
There's... what're you talking about?
What else is in your fucking bag?
Don't break anything, I'll fucking kill you.
If there is anything of mine, or any of my girlfriend's shit,
is in your bag, I'm gonna fucking freak out.
I'm gonna fucking freak out, okay?
There's nothing in there, and you should probably
stop referring to her as your girlfriend.
Just tell me... Just tell me
if you've messed with any more of my shit.
- Yes. - "Yes" you've messed with more of my shit?
No.
What are you saying? Did you take any more...
What are you doing? Get your fucking hands off...
- God! Fuck! - Stop.
Just... Just stop. Stop messing with all of my shit.
None of it. Don't fucking touch any of it.
It's mine.
- It's my shit. - At least you got to keep your hand cream.
I got my cream back. Thank you, Brittany.
You think he'll be thinking about us next time he uses it?
- Yeah, thinking about you. - Ew!
He'll probably use it for one of those creepy, angry jerk-offs.
What is an angry jerk-off?
I was on the train one time, and I looked over,
and there's this homeless guy
just, like, jerking off and staring at me,
like super angry, like he was gonna fucking kill me.
Spraying cre...
It was the creepiest shit I've ever seen.
Why don't you girls just go party someplace else?
"Why don't you just go party someplace else?"
I didn't even fucking invite you here.
Are you... You're actually friends with this person?
Look what I found.
Looks like the mortgage bill, but how come your name's not on it?
Jesus Christ, you don't even know what the fuck you're talking about.
It's my girlfriend's place. We share it together.
It's my fucking place.
Fuck, why don't we just fucking get high again with your pills?
Uh, we can't.
Why not?
Because I actually need some of them.
- So get some fucking more tomorrow. - Yeah, I can't.
Chill out.
Fuck you.
Awesome, dude.
That's awkward.
Come here.
What?
- Push on my chest. - Okay...
How long do I push for?
Are you pushing hard enough?
- Do I keep pushing? - Yeah.
- Guys, let go. - No, he's fine. He can go longer.
It's fine.
Oh, my God.
What...
- Joseph. - Joseph
Joseph, Joseph
What the fuck? Oh, my God.
Hello? Joe?
- Oh, my God. - Wake up, princess
Joe, wake up.
Joe!
Oh, my God.
Why don't we just fucking leave him here?
I remember him asking for a face tattoo.
Joe...
- Joe! - What the fuck?
Are you okay? What the fuck?
I was kinda hoping he wouldn't wake up.
How long was I out?
Why would you do that?
It's fun.
Because it's fun?
No, it is.
Your br... your brain just starts to rush.
It's like TV static and then it goes black.
This is Twilight Zone shit.
Now? Okay.
A little harder.
Oh, my God.
Okay, guys, I think you can let him go.
I kinda want to try it.
Should I try it?
Fuck.
This is great. This is really fucking.
Madison, will you make sure nothing bad happens to me?
This is fucking pathetic, man.
Don't be such a Debbie Desperate.
- What bad is gonna happen to you? - I don't know.
Tell me, what do you think is gonna happen?
You might take advantage of me or something.
Oh. Fuck yeah, I might take advantage of you.
- Oh, really? - You think I would do something like that?
Uh-huh. Like, molest me or something.
Right?
You kind of have a weird, pedo-smile look about you.
That's really funny. That was funny.
You know what? Maybe I would take advantage of you.
Oh, my God.
- What the... - Joe!
What the fuck? No. No. No. No.
You're gonna take it back, right?
Take it back! Take it back!
Okay, okay, I fucking take it back.
Okay, I take it back. I take it back.
Say it. Say... Say I'm not.
What. The. Fuck, man?
- Say it! - Okay, you're not!
- I'm not what? - Oh, my God.
You're not a fucking pedophile.
Thank you. Now it's not so fun for you, is it?
- No. - Oh, I'm so sorry.
- You're not sorry. - I'm so sorry.
- I did so mean to you. - You're not, God.
- You're such an asshole. - You know what I've heard?
- I've heard this a lot, actually. - What?
That people who are underwater...
- No, no, no! - They aren't ticklish!
- Don't, don't, please don't. - Is that true?
Stop fucking laughing. 'Cause you're laughing a lot.
- Are you gonna help me? - You could call them.
They're not gonna fucking help you.
What are you doing?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no!
Don't you fucking dare...
- Fuck! - Dude!
What the fuck, man?
Your friends are such fucking dicks.
- Wow... - You're not having fun?
You're fucking crazy. No, I'm not having fun.
Oh, you're not? Oh, I'm so sorry.
- That's terrible. - You're not sorry at all.
You're awesome. Yeah, you're not a dick, man.
I'm not a dick. Your friends are just fucking mean to you.
Uh...yeah, you're so nice to me.
- No. - Wow. Wow, man.
Wow.
- But I'm just fucking around. - Yeah.
- They're mean. - Okay. Mm-hm.
- Wow, man. - And you just keep getting wetter.
No, stop. Please.
But it doesn't even matter because it's my shirt.
Ally!
- Give it back to me. - No, don't.
- Why not? Why not? - Don't take it off.
Are you afraid of me seeing you naked?
- Listen, I have a question. - Okay.
So, um, what would happen
- if we just kinda showed up here sometime? - Don't do that.
Stop. Grow up.
Um, do you think that after tonight I'll ever see you again?
I don't know. We could.
I thought you just wanted to have fun.
I thought tonight was just about having fun.
Well, no, but really.
Give me your number.
- Well... - You want me to fucking call you all the time,
- and we can text, and fall in love... - Wait. Wait.
I have another question.
What would happen if I just show up alone,
ready to, you know, party or something?
What would you do?
You think you could see yourself with a guy like me?
Maybe.
- Stop... - Open the fucking door!
Tell her you have a dick in your ass.
I'm busy!
- Tell her. - No.
Tell her you have a dick in your ass.
- Fuck... - What?
What're you trying to do to me?
- It's my shirt. - It's my shirt now.
No, it's my shirt. So take it off.
No. No. No!
- No? You don't want to take off the shirt? - Stop.
Look, if you want to fuck me, then fuck me.
But don't come back here.
Don't come knocking on my door
in the middle of the fucking night.
How long does this...
What...
...the fuck was that?
We all have, just, shit bottled up inside of us.
Right? And we just cram it down, day after day,
until it builds up and builds up and builds up,
and it's a way of just letting it all out in one rel-
Yeah. Yes!
You need a primal scream.
Do it.
Come on. Yell!
Ah.
That's the best you coul... really?
I mean, do you think that's what we're going for?
Come on, you can do it. Show her how it's done. Show her.
Come on, you can totally do it.
Just let it all out. Just let it all out.
I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you, okay?
Close your eyes.
Keep 'em closed, and just...
And visualize, um, your mom.
Or your dad, or, uh, your goddamn friends.
Your friends. Whatever gives you pain in your life.
Just visualize that and let it rip.
No, thank you.
I can't hear you!
- Do it! Come on! - This is stupid.
Give me something. Anything.
- This is silly. - This is not silly.
I can't hear you!
Brittany! Show her how it's done!
Fucking show her how it's done
because you can do it!
You can fucking do it!
Let it rip!
Do it!
Yes!
Do it again!
Show her again! Do it!
Yes! Yes!
Feels fucking good!
It feels good!
Yes! Do it again! Do it again!
Do it again! Scream!
- Hit me in the face! - What?
Hit me in the face!
- Hit him! - Come on!
Fucking do it!
Yes!
Again! Again! Again! Do it again! Do it again!
- Okay! - Come on! Come on!
One more time! One more time!
Do it! You can do it!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! That was amazing! Does it feel good?
So good.
Nice! That's great! We got it!
Joseph!
I need you to hit me.
Just hold on! Okay, stop!
Dude, fucking hit me!
- Fucking hit me! - I'm not gonna fucking hit you.
Fucking hit me, Joseph!
Do it! Come on! Joseph!
Holy shit.
Ally? Ally, wake up.
You fuck! This is all your fault!
You did this!
Did you fucking see her eyes open?
She's gonna be fine, okay?
Your friend is fine.
You're pathetic.
Do something!
Okay...
Ally...
Ally. Wake up.
- You did this. - Fuck, Allyson...
She's fine, look at her.
She's fine.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Fuck you, asshole.
Of course this was going to happen.
I was blaming myself...