Great, big, nasty penises!
[Happy] Happily on previous...
-No one believes in me. -[all] We believe in you.
-[Angel] You're shot. -It's the heart attack I just had
that's got my attention. I got to join a spin class, eat more kale.
-Amanda, it's me. Where are you? -[Amanda] He's got her. It's him.
-Who has her? -[Amanda] Sonny Shine!
Amanda's a goddamn pit bull. She can take care of herself.
[screams]
The guy you're looking for... reminds me of a fellow we all knew,
ended up hanging himself.
He had a kid, that one, wound up institutionalized.
I wonder some nights, where's that little boy now?
I know who's naughty and who's nice. You want to stay with me, don't you?
With my other nice kids?
You can't touch me, unless you believe in me.
[gulps and grunts]
What the hell am I? I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.
But once I get that password, those days are over.
We get Blue, we get your kid.
Maybe this is the moment I can stand for something other than just my own skin.
[Happy] Nick! Hurry!
-Hailey! -[Happy] Too late. She's gone.
[director] All right, Monkey Pants callbacks, August 16th.
All right, go ahead, slate it.
Uh, Benji Peters, ATP. I'm 5'4" and I'm auditioning for...
Really? You think we should put on our Monkey Pants?
That sounds fun. You know what it means when we put on our Monkey Pants?
It means it's time to Monkey Dance!
[chuckles] Yeah!
Lenny Donnelly, 5' 6", I'm auditioning for...
It means it's time to Monkey Dance!
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Stop! Monkey time!
[imitates monkey]
[director] Uh, excuse me, and you are?
Sheinberg, Louis J.
[director] I don't see you on our...
Excuse me, who are you repped by?
[exhales and inhales]
[director] Mr. Sheinberg, is it?
[Sonny exhales deeply]
[glam rock music plays]
♪ Ow! Don't wet your bed Take all your meds ♪
♪ Look, a woozy wainbow Inside your pretty heads ♪
♪ No more monkey pants I'll put you in a trance ♪
♪ Let's have some joie de vivre Just like they do in Paris, France ♪
[director] Security!
[whoops manically]
No, no, no! Hey!
[laughs hysterically]
Choke on my pearls, you swine! This is the future!
I am... I am the future!
[phone vibrates]
[man] The kids are gone, Mr. Shine.
-All of them? -All of them.
[grunts angrily]
[Tazer, screams in pain]
Aw. Listen to you sing. You're a regular little Bitch Perfect.
♪ Jingle Bells, knife your mother's guts Twist it all the way! Hey! ♪
What was that? Hm?
[groans] I'll kill her, Merry. You're going to watch her die.
[Blue groans]
[chuckles] Oh, I don't think so.
[groans and chuckles]
But I'll tell you what.
I'll make sure to send an invite for her funeral to your cell at Riker's.
You won't be unable to attend, of course, but feel free to send flowers.
Mm-hm. That's right.
Your leverage over me is resting peacefully in a body bag at County.
Worst Christmas ever, huh?
[screams in pain]
It is my fault. She believed in me and I failed.
Look at me, I'm fading away. My color, my coat...
I used to be as blue as a blueberry snow cone and now...
You're still very blue.
Holy shit!
[grunts and pants]
Can we make this quick?
I plan on being at home in front of a crackling fire by Christmas morning.
[grunting]
-Where is he? -Saint Nick!
[grunting]
[groans]
Psycho Claus. Now, you're going to tell me where he is, or I'm going treat you like
my Christmas Day turkey, complete with lead pudding.
Oh, he took her, didn't he?
Well, he is a collector. I've known that for years.
You probably got a lifetime of psycho-sexual therapy bills
headed your way. That is... if she survives.
[grunts]
Nick, no, no.
Nick, I got something! I think I know how to find Santa!
-But, Nick, my plan involves torture. -[approaching siren]
[Happy] There once was a lonely little boy that talked to a sock...
and an imaginary friend was born, but you left that little boy. Why?
I don't know what you're talking about. You're wasting your time.
-[Happy] Am I? -[turns on radio]
[music: "Stuck In The Middle With You" by Stealers Wheel]
Please! No!
I'm looking at you, I'm thinking...
footsies are just about the most ticklish things ever.
I wonder if that goes for stinky socks, too.
Sweet baby Jesus!
[giggles] Oh, no, no, please! Wait!
[giggles hysterically]
Please!
Was that as good for you as it was for me?
What kind of monster are you?
I'm an imaginary friend.
We're all imaginary friends,
a brother-and-sisterhood of strawberry frosting and dreams.
-And you've been a very bad sock. -No!
You abandoned your friend when he needed you the most.
You left him alone with nothing but a little yarn,
a few buttons and the wackadoodle thoughts inside his head, didn't you?
I'm so ashamed! He saw things...
things no child should ever see.
They drugged him, locked him away.
I was all he had.
But he didn't stay locked up forever.
I kept thinking: "He'll grow up. He'll leave me behind."
But it never happened.
He didn't want to grow up... ever.
And then he started to hurt people.
I couldn't bear to watch what he did to them.
[exhales] So I ran. I ran away.
[sobs]
I know you all feel scared and abandoned.
The day always comes when our friends don't need us anymore.
But right now someone does need you.
This is your chance to do something, to have a purpose for maybe the last time!
We may have lost our friends, but we found each other!
Together, we can do things no one ever imagined.
We just have to believe.
We believe in you, Happy.
[all] We believe in you.
Now, tell us where he is.
[gulps]
[exhales]
Well, this has turned into a hot little mess, now, hasn't it?
[breathes heavily]
There is going to be some very unhappy goddamn campers,
when those packages don't show up on Christmas morning.
Hope you're pleased with yourself.
And, really? What's your daughter?
What's one little girl?
There'll be thousands more just like her in the audience tonight.
I mean, is it really worth all this?
I guess it's just a matter of perspective.
[breathes heavily]
You'll be erased.
This is the future and you're not a part of it.
I'm the future.
[breathes heavily]
[pants] Chi...
Children... [laughs]
"Chi... Children are the future." That's very good. [chuckles]
That's... Touché.
Yeah, you're on a roll.
And soon to be in a hole.
Bam!
Mm.
Oh, it's a gift from the Sultan of something.
I'm going to go get dressed.
Remember? It's the Wishtacular.
It's tonight. At least one of us has something to look forward to.
I can clean up all this ugly stuff.
["O, Tannenbaum" plays on radio]
They want you to look all grown up, but you're not grown up.
You're little.
Like you should be. Yeah.
Grownups...
They try to steal everything... that makes you special.
It makes me so mad.
-It makes... It makes me want to... -[groans]
Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
[inhales deeply and distant bang]
We have to go.
And here we are again.
[Happy] Come on, Nick! This way!
I want to remind you we're here on the word of a sock puppet. I mean...
This whole thing just seems a little sketchy to me.
What I'm saying is this, uh...
so-called intel source of yours... you sure he's on the level
and not blowing powdered sugar up your ass?
[Happy] Trust me, Nick. He was highly motivated.
-Ah. -This is it.
Mm.
[sighs] All right. Show 'em to me.
So, you're telling me that this door leads to a dark subterranean lair...
[inhales] right underneath Gimbel Brothers, where shitty pants Santa,
whose neck I'm going to break when I find that son of a bitch, took my kid
and I am fully aware that I am talking to a unicorn,
but I got to tell you, even my credulity has its limits.
[creaking]
All right, then.
[sleigh bells jingle]
[exhales deeply]
[raucous laugh]
[Hailey] Where are we going?
[grunts]
[breathes heavily]
Toyland.
[chuckles]
[grunts]
[music: "Toyland" plays]
Look. [chuckles]
♪ Toyland, Toyland Little girl and boy land ♪
♪ Once you dwell within it You are ever happy then within it ♪
♪ Toyland, joy land ♪
[chuckles]
♪ Mystic, merry Toyland ♪
♪ Once you cross its borders You can never go back again ♪
[chuckles]
[inhales and exhales]
[grunts and mumbles]
[grunts and pants]
[grunts and exhales]
I used to have a pretend friend.
Like you.
["Toyland" plays]
[chuckles manically]
But now I have new friends.
So many friends.
[screams]
-[Merry] Mr. Shine. -Oh! God!
You look like a cruise ship got torpedoed with Liberace's corpse.
I don't know who you are.
But I'm not interested. Who let you in here?
[Merry] Backstage pass.
[Sonny] Oh, you're a cop. I've been meaning to get to those parking tickets.
Just came from your studio, Sheinberg.
Don't have to tell you what we found there.
I have facilities all over.
I rent them out when I'm not in production, which I'm not.
[inhales] Russians, Chinese, Saudis.
God only knows what they do on those stages.
I've had cops before... sexually, I mean.
-It's over. -Excuse me?
All this. The Man Who Made Christmas, The Three Wishes Guy.
I'm bringing you down.
How cute.
Is there anything else I can help you with?
Yeah. Amanda Hansen.
[grunts] Is this about that delusional woman who showed up at my office today?
Yeah, she seemed to be suffering from some sort of... paranoid schizophrenic episode.
Probably something she saw on T.V.
Oh!
[grunts and giggles]
I'm no doctor. [mouths]
Where is she?
[grunts]
I get it.
You're untouchable.
You probably got the bad dirty on everyone who's anyone
all the way up the chain. You're like a nuclear reactor.
You go down, you bring everyone down with you.
I've got to be on stage in a few minutes.
It's the Sonny Shine Wishtacular. I'm sure you've heard of it.
We raise millions for disadvantaged children.
You can go on stage, wiggle your ass
and twinkle your toes for all of your adoring fans.
And then I'm going to drag you off in cuffs on live television.
It'll be as shitty as you looking right into those cameras
and telling the whole world there ain't no Santa Claus.
I know you'll be out before the ink dries on your arrest report,
but you'll be walking out to a wasteland formerly known as your career.
Hm.
This Hansen woman, is this all you're asking for? Really?
For now.
You should stop by my tower.
You might find her there. I can't speak to her frame of mind.
Okay, you found your way in, now find your way out.
[blows]
Shit.
[grunts]
-Uh, Nick? -I got this. I got this.
[grunts]
-Nick! -What?
Look!
Good eyes.
Nick! Look!
It's hers! We're going in the right...
What the...?
-It's a toy, Nick. -I know what it is.
Oh, he wants to play.
[chuckles]
[music: "The Little Boy that Santa Clause Forgot"]
[laughs manically]
[Happy] That's the biggest kid I ever saw.
That ain't no kid.
Man, see a dentist.
[slap of ball bouncing]
This is going to pinch... just a little.
You can be little forever...
like my other friends.
[whirs]
[grunts]
[Hailey screams]
[yells angrily]
[screams softly]
Oh!
[groans in pain]
Nick! Nick!
Hailey... [breathes heavily]
Find Hailey.
[breathes heavily and groans]
Oh, fuck.
[breathes heavily]
No, thanks.
[breathes heavily and grunts]
You can't do this to people!
[grunts]
-Amanda, you all right? -[breathes heavily]
This is evil!
-Merry, they... -I know.
-They can't get away with this. -They can.
But not forever.
Nick's found Hailey.
Come on.
[grunts]
[Happy] Why don't you pick on someone your own size?
Happy! You came back!
[snarls]
[roars]
[Santa grunts]
[grunts and yells]
Run!
[Santa grunts and yells]
Hey!
Fuck!
[gasps and grunts]
Oh, I just keep discovering bold new frontiers of suck.
[inhales and grunts]
God!
[yells in pain]
[grunting and groaning]
No, no, no, no!
[muffled grunts]
[muffled yells]
[pants]
[clunking and whir of elevator]
[Hailey screams]
[grunts] Argh!
-[grunts] -Stop! No!
[grunts and roars]
[evil cackle]
[yells manically]
[grunts]
[groans]
[Hailey screams in distance]
[breathes heavily and roars]
[manic chuckles]
[Hailey] Leave me alone!
[grunts and yells]
Hm, minty.
[Santa yells in distance]
[sirens blare in distance]
[blaring sirens approaching]
Help! Please! He's coming! Help!
Help!
Don't be afraid. Don't be afraid.
[wind whistles]
When my daddy went away...
they made me grow up.
Gave me medicine.
I didn't want... I didn't want to...
I didn't want to be scary.
You don't have to be.
No, but it's too late.
But I can save you. I can save you. [sniffles]
I had to grow up, but you don't have to.
[softly] You don't have to ever grow up.
[breathes heavily]
Hold my hand...
and we will fly away together...
before the police get here.
Before they see what I did.
Come on. Take my hand.
-Take my... -[distant bang]
-[Hailey squeals] -[cop] No!
[grunts]
[wind whistles]
Uh...
Uh... It's all right.
Um... I'm, uh...
Well, I'm, uh...
Uh...
Happy sent me.
Daddy?
-Daddy! -[grunts]
[both grunt]
-[grunting] -What the...
[grunting]
I'm the spirit of Christmas.
[grunting]
I've walked these rooftops for a long time!
[grunting]
The only thing that can hurt me is magic.
[grunts]
-[grunts] -Hocus pocus, motherfucker.
[grunting]
[groans] Not now!
Oh, not again!
[Sax groans]
[grunting]
[grunting and gasping]
You're not magic. They'll see.
You can't even fly.
Maybe not, but I can.
And I brought friends.
Cut him, Twig.
[groans]
Let's re-gift this fruitcake!
[imaginary friends yell]
[grunting]
[yelling and grunting]
Daddy, are you okay?
[groans]
Pills, pocket, pills.
[all yelling]
[Happy] Hey! Hey, no, look out!
-Look out! Look out! No! -[crunch]
[grunting and yelling]
Oh. Watch out! No! God!
[Happy] No!
[yelling and grunting]
[snarls]
Santa's coming! Santa's coming!
I don't want to ruin Christmas for you, but there comes a time
-when every kid has to face the truth. -[grunts]
There ain't no fuckin' Santa Claus.
[gunshot]
[music: "I'll Be Home For Christmas by Bing Crosby]
[clears throat]
[Sax grunts]
[Hailey sobs softly]
I told Sonny Shine I only wanted one wish.
[sobs]
I wanted to meet my dad.
[sighs]
[Sax grunts and breathes heavily]
[Sax grunts and groans]
Hailey! Hailey!
-Mommy! -Oh, God. [sobs] Oh!
Are you okay?
[chattering on police radio in background]
You were right.
Another stocking on the mantle.
You were right.
Maybe one weekend...
We'll talk about it.
That'd make me happy.
[Happy] You definitely deserve a nap, buddy.
We did it, Nick! I never stopped believing in you.
[breathes heavily]
Likewise.
But this ain't no nap. This is bye-bye.
What do you mean? No! Nick! Nick, we won!
Yeah, we did.
Thanks to you...
partner.
Cue the music.
And...
fade to black.
[soft grunt]
[Merry] I was starting to get used to you being dead.
Yeah, I always thought I'd prefer it, but now...
I may just stick around, see how it plays out.
-Got some good news for you and the fam. -Yeah?
Word on the street is when Nick Sax died,
he took Blue's so-called password with him.
Word on the street?
Your heart stopped for eight minutes.
Mm. That's impressive.
I thought I...
I thought I finally got rid of you.
Anyway... you know, if I were you, I would take advantage of my new reputation,
lay low for a while.
-I hear California's nice. -California?
It's not my kind of dirty. Besides, I hate avocados.
How's your kid holding up?
She's going to be all right. She's tough... like her mom.
[inhales and sighs] You know, this world may not be all glitter and tinsel,
but there are a few people in it that make it work.
[sighs]
You're one of 'em.
You know what you did, right?
You gave me my daughter, Mer.
You're my hero.
-You don't get to take that one back. -I don't want it.
-Good, I'm keeping it. -Keep it.
I will.
[grunts softly]
All right, see you round the block.
-Where are you going? -Uh, I got a date.
-Oh? -I'm going to...
I don't know, go out to Coney Island, grab some ice cream.
-It's winter. -Yeah, I'm new to this. What do I know?
If that's the case, you might want to slap a little aftershave on.
You smell like you murdered a hooker.
[sniffs] That obvious?
Thanks.
[sighs] Nick was right. I look completely ridiculous.
Is my nose really that big?
It's the cutest, funniest nose I ever saw.
I just wanted to say,
I'm so glad I got the chance to be your imaginary friend, Hailey.
I had no idea it would be so much fun! And scary too!
Happy, you look different.
How come I can see through you?
It's because... Well, you're growing up and you have your daddy now.
And someday you'll forget all about that silly horse.
But you're my best friend... even if you are imaginary.
Why do you have to go?
Well, that's how it is with imaginary friends.
We can't stay forever.
Otherwise, it can get a bit, you know, creepy.
Where will you go... if nobody needs you anymore?
Oh, I don't know. Somewhere fun. I hope! I...
And who knows, maybe there is someone who needs me somewhere!
Come to think of it, I'd better practice my song.
♪ I'm Happy, the happy horse, horse, horse ♪
♪ So full of fun, of course, of course ♪
♪ It's plain to see It's fun to be happy ♪
[Hailey] Happy!
♪ The happy horse, horse, horse So full of, full of love, of... course ♪
♪ Of course ♪
I'll never forget you.
Come on, sweetheart. Let's go meet your dad.
[breathes heavily]
Come on, Sax. You got this.
It's a movie. You just... sit down.
You don't even have to talk.
Oh, boy, this is worse than I thought.
-What the hell? -Talking to yourself, buddy?
-People are gonna think you're cray-cray. -Why are you here?
Nick, I can't abandon you in your darkest hour!
What kind of partner is that?
What are you talk...? [chuckles]
What... My darkest hour? You said it yourself, we won.
We killed the bad guy. We saved the kid. You been nipping at the cough syrup?
I've never felt so solid in all my life. I'm a...
I'm a goddamn royal flush. I'm a... I'm the white knight.
I'm... I'm the hero that she always thought I was.
I'm... I'm terrified, man.
I don't know what I'm... I don't know what I'm doing!
-I don't even know how to talk to her! -There, there, buddy. I got you.
I know everything about Hailey, all her secret hopes, dreams.
You know everything. You know everything. I don't know nothing!
I'm... I know nothing about being a dad.
You're just going to do what comes naturally.
What comes... What comes naturally. Well... [breathes heavily]
Dismemberment comes naturally to me! What are you doing?
You're Hailey's little buddy! Go bother her.
-But... Well, about that, see... -Whoa, man.
See, the thing about imaginary friends is,
we're kind of supposed to help out the person who needs us the most.
[sighs]
What? You... [grunts softly]
Uh...
Uh... Did...
Did... Did... Did...
Did you... Are you saying what I think you're saying?
-Here it comes! -Yeah, it is.
Here comes the fun!
-Oh, boy, here it comes. -Are you ready?
[vomits]
I think someone needs a little shot of liquid courage,
or maybe a bump of booger sugar, right?
Michelangelo... I was beginning to wonder if I'd ever see you again.
Blue.
Mm-hm.
Now, have you finally brought me that which is mine?
[exhales deeply]
[grunts]
[screaming and groaning]
[grunts and groans]
[groans in pain]
[exhales deeply]
Mr. Scaramucci?
You all right?
[pants softly]
I'm hungry.