I don't want to die!
[Happy] Previously on Happy!
-Argh! -I serve at your pleasure, Mr. Bug.
[Mr. Bug] They are important gifts for important people
and I expect them to be bright and shining under the tree Christmas morning.
-Cal was taken from a Sonny Shine event. -So was Hailey, I get it.
[Sax] One of those kids is mine, so you're going to make a call
and you're going to deliver her to me, midnight tonight, your house.
-Where's Hailey? -Where's Mikey?
Anyone want to guess what this is?
I let go of my finger and there goes the neighborhood,
including your precious password and your wife and kid.
Mikey is not in the trunk.
[Sax] Oh, fuck.
[Blue] Okay, kill him.
The only thing that still believes in me is my kid's imaginary friend.
Nick! I'm here! Ugh! Urgh!
Daddy! [yells]
[gunshot and screaming]
What I'm about to say is very difficult. I'll only say it once. I believe in you.
You and me, we've got a job to finish.
Jessica!
She really is intoxicating, your mother, lovely voice, real talent.
She could have been really big.
I love hearing you sing.
It's time you stop protecting me, and now it's time for me to protect you.
Ma.
Ma! Come on! Ma!
♪ You will get a sentimental feeling ♪
♪ When you hear voices singing ♪
♪ Let's be jolly Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree At the Christmas party hop ♪
♪ Mistletoe hung where you can see Every couple tries to stop ♪
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree Let the Christmas spirit ring ♪
♪ Later, we'll have some pumpkin pie And we'll do some caroling ♪
♪ You will get a sentimental feeling ♪
♪ When you hear voices singing ♪
♪ Let's be jolly Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree Have a happy holiday ♪
♪ Everyone dancing merrily ♪
♪ In the new old-fashioned way ♪
[chattering over police radio]
Sorry, McCarthy.
You want a ride in the van? Left some takeout in the backseat overnight,
but we can crack a window if you want.
No, thanks. Just take her.
Got something I got to do.
-[Sax] Fuckers! -[gunshot]
[yelling and chainsaw buzzing]
They are killing the shite out of that motherfucker.
-Is that a table saw? -[buzzing and yelling]
It very well could be, yeah.
-[softly] Shit. -[screaming and groaning]
New plan.
Are you off your goddamn nut? You think you're just gonna waltz on out of here
like some Piccadilly on parade?
I am waltzing on out of here because right now...
Nick Sax is bulletproof.
[laughter]
Now, you waste me...
...you waste the Missus and the booger- eating heir to the porcelain throne.
Now, which one of you dinks wants to drop that Yule log
on the boss's chest this fine Christmas Eve, hm?
I'll drop that log, you motherfucker.
No! Please! You lunatic! Take me if you must.
I must! Because, I don't know, call me a stickler for tradition,
but I just think on Christmas, the family should be together.
-Am I right or am I right? -Oh, dear God.
-We're literally about to die. -Shh.
Just keep smiling there, kitten, and pucker that sphincter,
'cause Nick Sax shoots early... and often.
[screams]
[music: Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano]
Oh! I hate you! Oh!
[pants]
[screams and gasps]
[groans]
[pants]
I'm satisfied.
Now, wait a second.
[pants]
Oh, a gentleman. Get the hell off of me!
All right, your mister and I have some unfinished business.
-Any idea where he scurried off to? -What are you going to do to him? [pants]
Well, in my work, I take a jazz approach, you know, strictly improv...
but assume that once I'm done, he won't resemble your husband anymore.
[exhales]
339 Cherry Blossom Court, his sister's house in Jersey.
-[grunts] -The car knows the way.
Mm.
Tell him I want a divorce.
What are you looking at?
[tires screech and engine revs]
Best Christmas ever.
[distant blast]
[Isabella] That's right, baby, you eat.
I remember that night you snuck out
and stole the Benz. [chuckles] You wanted to show up at the club
and impress the girls with the fancy car.
Wanted to be a big shot, just like your brothers.
No, no, no, Mikey, no. No.
Ut det mihi cibum statim.
[Isabella] Oh.
What did he do to you?
Blue.
Mikey.
Mikey!
-[rattle of garage door] -[people shout] Mikey!
Mikey, no!
[people yelling]
Mikey!
-Good morning. -Oh!
Uh-oh. Gotcha.
It's really you. Sonny Shine.
Shein, Sheinberg. Louis J.
Sonny Shine is for my fans of all ages around the world.
It's Christmas Eve. Shouldn't you be out jousting other parents
-over the new Tickle Me Humperdonk? -I got mine months ago.
You'd have to be a fool not to see how those were going to fly.
My daughter, Hailey, is your biggest fan.
We once stood in line at 4:00 a.m. to get tickets to your studio audience.
It was the happiest day of her life.
That tickles my heart. Nothing means more to me than...
She was kidnapped, four days ago, at your Wishtacular.
What a world.
-My condolences. -She wasn't the only one.
Seven other children have gone missing in the last two weeks.
Mm. What can I do for you?
There's a common thread to all the kidnappings.
All the children disappeared ar... around...
-Hm? -...you, your shows or appearances.
And you... you thought you'd come here...
...and ruin Sonny Shine's Christmas by telling me this, in person?
The police have been ineffectual, worthless, really.
But a man as visible, as prominent as yourself,
you could bring attention to this, resources.
Resources. You want money, right? Doesn't everybody?
I... I want you to help shine a light.
Ew.
The letters I get blaming me for little retard Sally's piss-poor spelling test,
blaming me for Billy's sissy boy lisp!
If I wanted to raise children, I'd... I don't know. I'd adopt some.
But I don't want to raise your goddamn children.
I want to entertain them! Do you see the difference?
Dude, I'm... I've been blending ghee and M.C.T. into my coffee,
so I'm totally lit as fuck.
Celebrity problems.
It's not easy what I do.
Sometimes I just need a release.
Your breathing, it's very shallow.
You know, it's totally normal, being in close proximity to someone so famous.
Your heart beats faster. You get a little light-headed.
You know, when I was just a little kid, all I wanted to do was
sit on Dorothy's lap. I totally get it.
Uh, I'd like to go now.
Well, you just... You got here just...
Please.
For you and... Ha... it's Hailey. Hailey, right?
If... no, no... when she decides to come home.
Thank you.
[door opens and closes]
Don't let her leave the building.
[breathes heavily]
[guard] Mr. Shine wants her to stay.
Come on. [mutters]
Back in there. Come on.
[Smoothie] Be careful. Get out.
[Smoothie sighs]
I told him... children are bad business.
Messy, obnoxious,
germ-ridden little migraines, not worth the aggravation.
[inhales and sighs] "I have my reasons," he says.
"We all have to answer to someone," he says.
It's ridiculous, a waste of my time.
Did you know that I can train an adult male
to denounce every god he's ever worshipped and squeal on all fours
like a hog to slaughter in under 24 hours?
Because adults have been socialized into latent obedience, but you...
Really enjoy hearing yourself talk, don't you, mister?
Well, look who doesn't have a gag.
We located the car, a half-mile from here, wrapped around a telephone pole.
It's a total loss. No sign of any driver.
-My God. Mikey. -Right.
[sighs]
About that social-media post, your son has been dead for 48 hours, ma'am.
We got a hit-and-run situation with serious injuries outside.
I need a straight answer to who was behind that wheel
-or we will haul you all to the station. -[doorbell]
Mr. Scaramucci.
Aw, they got you boys working on Christmas Eve, that's criminal.
My sister has had a very difficult morning.
Why don't you officers just run along?
You can worry about the paperwork later.
-Where is he? -Go to hell.
Where is he?
[chuckles] You think your guns are going to protect you now?
I got something way more dangerous, a following.
Yeah, 1.3 million and I didn't have to buy them, baby.
I can't wait for the whole world to see who you really are, brother.
All right, have a little dignity.
The same brother who sucked his thumb until he was 11,
who shat his shorts on The Cyclone at Coney Island...
...who cried himself to sleep
when the boys made fun of his sorry excuse for a pecker.
[sniggers]
[chuckles] These mugs may fear you, but I don't,
because I know all the secrets
and I have all the receipts.
So, buy yourself a pair of paparazzi shades, boo,
[chuckles] 'cause you're about to become very famous.
Snap! [laughs]
[screaming and yelling]
Well...
We're going to tear this place apart until we find him.
Michelangelo!
Oh, it's Uncle Blue! Oh, come on, Mikey!
Come on!
Give me what is mine. Give me what I deserve!
Or Mamma's gonna get what she deserves.
Don't you think that I won't do it. [breathes heavily]
[dance music]
[gasps]
[shivers] Nick?
-Yeah? -I'm cold. So cold.
Cuddle me?
Uh... Okay.
Yeah.
Ah. Still... still cold.
Cuddle me closer? What... What is it, Nick?
Hm? Uh, nothing. Just you seem... different.
A little glint in the eye, kind of... kind of Manson-esque.
Did you... Oh, my God!
You little scamp, you killed something, didn't you?
Oh, yeah, you did, I'd know that look anywhere!
I don't want to talk about it.
Ah.
Oh, okay.
All right, all right. Look...
What can I tell you, pal? The first one... is always going to stay with you.
You're always going to remember it.
Do... do you remember your first?
Yeah, what the hell did I just say? Of course I...
Ye... No, maybe. Look, my point is this...
...that you just got to hope that you did it for a reason.
I mean, a good reason.
Hailey's a damn good reason.
Can I tell you a secret,
-one I stinky-pinky-swore never to tell? -What?
When Hailey and I were at the Sonny Shine show...
[engine revs]
...the whole reason she snuck away
-was so Sonny would hear her wish. -Uh...
Her one wish. She'd waited her whole life.
[engine revs]
-Hailey's wish... -Hold that thought,
I'm about to get a little road ragey. What the...
[tires screech and engine revs]
I think we'd agree this one was not my fault.
Officer, is there something wrong?
What the hell are you doing in Blue's car?
You know, at a certain point, uh, sticking your gun in my face, uh,
kind of loses its specialness, laws of diminishing returns and all that.
If you want me to take you seriously, you have to pull that trigger.
Crying out loud!
Hey. Hey, hey, give me your keys again.
Let's do this. We get Blue, we get your kid.
[chuckles] Listen to her. What is this "we" stuff?
I didn't know, all right? There were a lot of things
I looked the other way. But the kids, I didn't know...
-You got to fucking believe me. Amanda. -[phone]
-Amanda? -[Amanda] Merry!
Merry! I'm in trouble. It's him. It's got to be.
Amanda, it's me. Where are you?
Nick! Oh! [gasps]
-He's got her. It's got to be him! -Who has her?
Sonny Shine! She needs you.
-[Nick] Amanda, listen to me. Amanda.... -[squelching]
-Amanda. -[phone bleeps]
What the hell's a Sonny Shine?
♪ He's the one with the Rainbow Castle A friend to you and me ♪
He'd never hurt Hailey.
He's got Shine Tower, 58th and Lex. Let's go.
He doesn't live in a tower. Sonny lives in a castle.
-I saw it myself. -Wait, what... What did you just say?
Hailey and I went there! Oh, Amanda took us. It was the best day ever!
It's a great big building, with a great big gate
-and there were lights and cameras and... -Lights and cameras.
It was you.
I didn't want it to be. I told myself lies not to believe it.
Hm. [breathes heavily]
Those spray-tanned apes were a disgrace... to apes.
They threaded their eyebrows, Isa. They waxed their armpits.
I needed gangsters and you gave me Spandau Ballet! [grunts]
You think you know all the secrets?
I have done things...
...things that you couldn't possibly imagine.
I had no choice, but once I get that password, those days are over.
[inhales deeply] I answer to no one.
[cell phone vibrates]
You going to answer to that?
[Mr. Bug] I had a visit today... from a mother looking for her daughter.
And I can give you eight good reasons why this makes me upset.
I want them signed, sealed and delivered tomorrow, Christmas morning.
And if they're not, it won't be me who gets exterminated!
You came to me an unwashed, unkempt motley assortment of...
Oh, God, who am I kidding?
I cannot wait to get rid of you Petri dishes.
Uh, especially you.
This is not the end of your journey, but the beginning, blah, blah, blah.
You were plucked from obscurity to serve a greater purpose, yada, yada, whatever.
There were successes. [chuckles]
And there were disasters.
Congratulations, Kenji.
You have achieved top honors because you're Asian.
And as a reward, you will go first.
Your new parents will be very, very proud...
...assuming you survive the packaging process. [clears throat]
[creaking and rustling]
Mister?
What is it?
I need to go to the bathroom.
Oh, for God's sake. I told you to go before we started packaging!
Fine, go.
[Happy] Oh! There it is, Nick, home of the Rainbow Castle!
If that doesn't scream perv, I don't know what does.
When I look at it, all I see is, "Let's play!"
-Exactly. -Look.
Checking the front entrance now.
-Is that normal for children's TV? -You tell me, Pops.
Funny.
All right, look, I got to talk to this little, blue, um...
You keep saying that, but I've never seen one with wings on its back
and a thing coming out of its head. We call it a...
Go on.
-All right, you, look at me. -Happilocus Imaginus,
Defender of Zork, First Knight of the Cupcake Kingdom,
hero of the Frosting Wars, reporting for duty, sir!
She's counting on you.
I'm counting on you.
Go find Hailey.
What?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, look, we got a big building here, so--
Let's split up.
-I'll take the front. -I'll take the back.
[exhales]
-You good? -[grunts] Yeah.
[chuckles] You got this idea that your ex is some kind of wounded little flower.
Amanda's a goddamn pitbull...
with one hell of a right cross by the way. She can take care of herself.
[bugs yell and Amanda screams]
Assunta, open the door!
Your son is beyond my help, child.
It's the old Don's password. Mikey's going to give it to Blue.
No password.
The old Don gave Orcus to Mikey to give it to Blue.
Like hamburger bag.
Okay. Wait, what?
If Mikey give to Blue, all is lost!
Yes. Yes. That's why we must stop him.
Open the door, please. Per favore, dai!
Okay, bye-bye.
-♪ Mamma ♪ -[cat screeches and meows]
♪ Nonna ♪
♪ Bisnonna ♪
I shouldn't have let Mikey get on that plane.
-I just wanted him to have a good-- -Shh!
Oh, no talisman!
[speaks Italian]
Ecco! [cackles]
Hoo!
Talisman.
[speaks Italian]
So, as the thread weaves the tapestry...
...of space and time,
so does your brother's soul unwind.
[cackles]
That is not a talisman.
That is a ball of yarn.
-Talisman. -That is a cat toy.
-Talisman! -After 20 years of tithes and offerings
and defending you, this is all you've got for me, a cat toy?
And after all these years, you lost your faith?
This is more about you... than about to me.
[cackles]
Who are you looking for? Shine... Shine... Shine...
[distant gunshot]
Keep loading, I have something I need to take care of.
[grunts]
[Happy] Hailey!
Hailey!
Oh! Presents!
What the...?
[clunking]
[grunts]
[screams]
[Wishee squeals]
[grunts]
[Smoothie] Sit up straight.
Eat your vegetables.
Put down that smartphone or tablet.
It's a common refrain from a typical American parent.
-Ah, Smoothie. -Does it sound familiar to you?
Time to dance, bitch.
[Smoothie] Of course it does... but did you listen?
No, you didn't and now here we are.
Starting today your little lives will change in ways
you never could have imagined.
There will be moments when you will wonder what you have done to deserve...
[grunts]
[groans]
Oh, oh.
Nighty-night.
What the hell is this?
I saw you! You were just standing there fingering yourself.
Why is this truck still here?
It's all loaded up, Mr. Scaramucci. We heard gunshots.
-Smoothie said that-- -Smoothie said?
Smoothie? Where is he?
[music: True by Spandau Ballet]
Smile.
Fuck you.
I knew this day would come.
Our destiny is in the stars.
You do see that, Sax, don't you?
You're not going to ask me my sign?
The universe, it conspired to bring us back together again,
so that immovable object could finally meet irresistible force.
Which one am I?
-The dumb one. -Yeah.
Now, I have been thinking a lot lately
about what I would do if our paths ever crossed again.
-That makes two of us. -See? See? It's destiny.
Clearly, you are a man
who must be broken.
Oh, yeah?
But what is pain to someone like you?
What is death to someone like you?
That is a very curious problem.
Vexing.
You have disarmed me, Sax.
All of my usual weapons, they just seem so inadequate
and my tried and true methods,
they seem so, well... impotent.
-Torture, murder... -Your hobbies.
Exactly. All trifles to a man who would cheerfully die in agony.
I am going to show you something that I bet you never thought you'd see.
Uh...
I am going to show you why they call me Smoothie.
-But I wasn't curious. -Let's not do this.
You don't need to do that. No. Let's just put that right back on.
Yeah, no. Oh, fuck me.
Holy shit!
Yikes! Ugly lady! It's not nice to sneak up on people!
Come on! I found Hailey! The bad guys are loading the kids on a truck.
Let's grab Nick before it's too late! Where are you going?
The wrong way, that's where. Nick is this way.
I know because he believes in me.
It's like a homing signal, like in that movie
where the iguana phones home. Beep, beep, beep, beep.
-[grunts angrily] -Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh...
-There we go. -[muffled muttering]
This way! This way! This way!
Dumb as a soup sandwich.
This way. This way. You're almost there. Just... Oh, no, oh!
Yes! Go! Go! Go!
[muffled and angry muttering]
Are you cozy?
-[muffled and angry muttering] -[gasps softly] Oh, oh. Oh.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not.
[Nick mutters and grunts]
Sax, relax.
[muffled squeal]
-[wheezes] -Relax.
I am become destroyer of worlds!
No, you won't, you motherfucker!
[yelling]
Yes! Yes! Not him, you!
Nick! Holy guacamole, Nick! That was close, buddy!
We got here just in the... in the nick of...
Oh, jellybeans.
Get it out of me.
Okay, take 'em!
[cell phone buzzes]
It's gone. The truck just left. It just left!
[Mr. Bug] Good boy. Remember, those presents better be delivered.
They'll be there!
[grunts angrily]
Yeah... Goddamn you!
[yells incoherently]
[music: Little Drummer Boy]
Mr. Scaramucci... you all right?
[groans]
What am I?
What the hell am I?
You... You're the boss.
I'm the boss of nothing.
I'm an errand boy for psychopaths.
Don't... Don't say that, Mr. Scaramucci.
[breathes heavily]
If I had that password...
If I only had that goddamn pass...
[gunshot]
The truck, Nick! The truck's getting away!
[grunts and groans]
[purrs]
[grunts and groans]
[grunts]
[hisses]
[screeches]
[pants]
[Blue groans]
[Blue] Ow! Ah! Ah!
[grunts] Ow!
[horn blares]
-Hailey! -[Nick grunts]
[Happy] Nick! Hurry!
-Hailey! -Hailey!
[children call out]
We're too late. She's gone.
[Blue] Oh, good. You two have met.