Previously on Happy...
-Argh! [squeaks] -You’re not a hallucination.
You’re not my subconscious trying to gyrate me for all my past sins.
There’s probably a little girl somewhere out there who needs a daddy.
-I ain’t him. -You are him.
-[boy] Who are you? -Hailey Hanson.
He took me away from my mom. I miss her.
I need your help. Someone kidnapped my daughter. You owe me.
I don’t owe you anything at all.
Nick Sax has got my password.
The only man you ever loved, broke up his marriage.
Wait a minute? Were you two... Going to lose my lunch.
I bring you Sax and we're even.
[Happy] I saw what you did to all those bad guys, Nick.
If you can do that, you can save Hailey.
That picture of you that Hailey saw was real.
You were a hero once. I guess that’s why you hate yourself.
Come on! Let’s go find this kid.
[Hailey] My dad’s coming. He's a hero.
He's going to find Santa and he’s going to put him in jail forever.
What if Santa finds your daddy first?
[siren wails]
-[squeaks] Hey-hey! -I’m the only one who can hear that.
Oh, yeah. Uh...
-I’m not sure I follow your point, Nick. -You know, this schtick of yours...
the songs, the corny lines, the zany "aw shucks" vaudeville routine...
It's not cute. It's not funny.
Hailey thinks I'm cute and funny.
Do you ever think maybe she didn’t really send you off to find me?
Maybe she just wanted to get rid of you.
Trying to get rid... [laughs]
That’s... [clears throat] Uh... That...
That is not true! I’m an absolutely delightful little ball of fun-shine.
I’ve known you less than 24 hours,
I already want to kill both of us with fire just to make it stop.
[laughs] Oh, are we there yet?
[horns honking]
I can’t. [groans]
[sighs]
Do I need to remind you what happened
the last time we took our eyes off the road?
Okay. We’re going to play the quiet game until we get off of this bridge.
Oh, what’s the quiet game? Usually Hailey and I just play with apps.
You know, games, on the phone...
Maybe you should use Google Maps, Nick. Amanda uses Google Maps.
It tells you the best route to take, so you don’t get stuck in traffic.
Also, it sounds funny, Google.
Google. [chuckles] Google. LOL.
-Okay -What the heck?
You can’t get out of the car on a bridge.
[groans]
[sighs]
[spatter of pee]
[Happy] Don't!
[girl mutters]
What are you doing, Nick? Anyone ever tell you about right and wrong?
Uh, there are a lot of things nobody ever told me.
[horns honk]
Then again I was never much of a listener.
-[Merry] Look, I’m not defending the guy. -Okay.
I’m just saying, this piece of shit's not worth us losing our jobs over.
So take a walk. Grab a falafel. It won’t take long.
You know I can’t do that. You’re my goddamn partner.
Three domestic abuse calls in the last week,
that guy’s beating on that poor girl like Keith Moon at Woodstock
and we’re supposed to turn the other way, why?
Because he’s some rich asshole’s lawyer?
[mouths] Forget it.
You know, I think we got our roles reversed here, Sax.
You’re supposed to be the cynical, jaded vet who plays by the rules
and I’m supposed to be the idealistic, young rookie,
who just can’t accept that sometimes the bad guys get away with shit.
Like I said, Mer, falafel, it’s calling your name.
All right, I tell you what. We knock on this door.
You be good cop. I be, you know, me.
Stay close by, make sure I don’t do any permanent damage to this asshole
and maybe we can both manage to stay employed.
[baby cries]
What the hell is this? What? What? No, no.
[baby cries]
Wait, you’re those cops that showed up last week.
-Ah, Detective Sax, right? -That’s right.
I thought I was very specific, very specific.
Shut that goddamn thing’s mouth, Coco, or I swear to Christ!
Hey. Hey. Come here, Detective. Let me talk to you a second.
Come here, between us boys, Sax.
You know what it is? It starts out as a nice little sidepiece, right?
She swears up and down: "It’s okay, I got the implant."
Besides, the last dude she was with, allegedly messed her up so she can’t...
Anyway, next thing you know she's knocked up. Can you believe it?
So I set her up in this place. Nice place, right? No rent. Furnished.
All I expect is when I want to come out this side of town and get off,
I don’t want any lip about it. You understand?
Suppositories.
New thing, guys doing speedballs up the ass.
I say to myself, what kind of douchebag would ever do something like that?
Now I see, I’m looking right at him. Right?
I think something’s getting lost in translation here.
-Do you? -The men I associate with,
the men I represent, I can literally take your badge, Detective.
I can just take it.
The men you associate with.
Oh, you want to lay hands on me?
Do it. Do it. Make it easy.
Well, let me be clear... so nothing gets lost in translation.
I am someone... that you don’t want to be associated with...
in any way, shape or form.
And if I come back here...
...badge or no badge, I’m going to take your head...
...shove it up your ass and use it like your mother's...
Eh, maybe you’re right. [sighs]
I could probably go for an attitude adjustment.
[horns honk]
I don’t even know what to say to you right now.
Well, why don’t you tell me where we're going?
-Hailey. Where is she? -How the heck should I know?
You’re the detective!
You were with her, right?
-Yeah. -So, where did he take you?
-I don’t know. -You don’t know?
It was dark, really dark.
-How dark? -Really, really dark.
And there was a hallway.
And then we came to a big room, a dirty, smelly room.
There was junk everywhere,
super old junk, Nick, like... like from when you were little.
And there were these boxes, big wooden boxes with holes.
That’s where he keeps them, Nick.
That’s where the monster keeps the kids.
[girl screams]
There's only one person who can save us.
You know who he is and you're the only one who can find him.
-I’m not leaving you! -You have to.
You have to find him. You have to bring him back here.
-Hailey, I don’t even... -You can do it.
You know why?
'Cause I believe in you.
[banging]
-So you see, Nick, I can’t let her down. -That’s very heartwarming.
What about the guy? Tell me about the guy?
-The guy? -The monster... Can you describe him?
We're going to go see a friend of mine.
He used to be a police sketch artist back when I was on the force.
They had to let him go because he got a little...
Never mind why they let him go. Guy's a pro and he owes me a solid.
Now, this, uh, so-called monster of yours,
you’re going to tell me what he looks like.
I’m going to tell him. He's going to draw it. Capisce?
Okay.
-All right. -Why are we doing this again?
How many times are we going to go over it?
I need the pictures, so we know who we’re looking for.
Right? It’s called police work.
Ah.
Cigs, alcohol...
...and Drakkar Noir.
That can only be one man.
Nick Sax.
-Hey. -Damn.
What happened to you?
Won the Powerball, got a wardrobe upgrade,
quit drinking, got myself a personal trainer.
You know, living the high life.
-You? -Same, same.
-As you can see. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, Emil, I need a favor from you. If I give you a description,
can you just sketch something up for me?
Well, you know... it’s not like the old days.
Yeah, no, I see. Your work’s really, uh...
...evolved.
That’s not what I mean.
These days, it’s going to cost you 20 bucks.
You got yourself a deal. You start describing.
Oh, let’s see, he was super ugly, but like... like if Sea Monster
and Smog Monster had a baby
and they dressed it up like the Grinch in a big red coat,
but he was all grown up. Oh and not green.
Uh... big red suit... and ugly.
[breathes heavily]
You were right.
This morning, these entitled sons of bitches...
...think they can get away with anything.
[as Sax] "Yeah, Mer, been around the block a few times.
See how these things pan out."
Yeah, but, Nick, it’s easy to say: "Why stick your neck out?"
She made her bed. Let her lie in it.
But guess if we’re not going to stick our necks out for people like that...
...we got no business being cops, right?
[as Sax] "Couldn’t’ve said it better myself, Mer."
You know, I’m glad we can have these little chats.
Sometimes, you know, just need someone to bounce shit off of.
That’s right. Keeps you from going insane.
Hey, screw IAB.
I’ll take the heat for what happened today.
So sweet. Want to close that?
[cop] Morning, Detective.
So, assaulting a cop in a police station, probably not your brightest move.
Now you’re locked up in here instead of out there looking for your kid.
-How’s that feel? -How’s that eye feel?
Not to mention you took the shot at the one cop in this entire building
who might actually be able to help you.
Oh, you’re going to help me?
There isn’t an honest cop in this place.
These came to the parents of the other missing children.
Christmas cards. I guess I don’t have to ask if they look familiar.
No ransom demand. Nothing. Why?
Maybe these sick bastards get as much of a thrill
out of torturing the parents as they do the kids.
Penny Baker, reported missing late yesterday, no card yet.
Any cop worth a shit might go out there, stake them out
-See if they get a card. -And who brings it.
Turn around.
The kid Hailey... is it Sax's?
Does it matter?
-You could’ve just said Santa Claus. -Santa Claus, huh?
Oh! That’s, that’s him! That’s the guy!
I’m sorry I wasted your time, Emil.
Not a waste of my time at all. That’ll be 20 bucks, Nick.
It’s yours.
-Hey, Sax? -What?
Them voices?
I hear 'em, too.
[Hailey] Where are you taking me?
[Santa] ♪ Toyland, toyland ♪
♪ Little girl and boy land ♪
♪ While you dwell within it ♪
♪ You are happy ever there ♪
♪ Childhood's joy land ♪
♪ Mystic... ♪
[Happy] ♪ Merry toyland ♪
- ♪ Once you pass its borders... ♪ -[Nick] All right all right.
I get it, I get it. Just please don’t sing that or anything else ever again.
I need you to dig into that pea-sized head of yours.
You got to give me something about this guy. A lisp? A limp?
A smell.
A funny smell, like... like plastic burning, but sweet.
Mm.
I know that smell. [sniffs] Meth.
-[siren whoops] -Oh, is that bad?
Well, it ain’t good.
[engine revs and tires squeal]
Eh, in hindsight, I guess we could’ve picked a less conspicuous ride.
I told you we shouldn’t have cheated at cards!
Well, yeah, that could be why they’re after us. Or...
[horns blare and tires screech]
...it could be that we’re driving a stolen car with stolen guns in the trunk,
or it could be the three dead bodies at Le Dic's,
or the however many dead bodies we left back at that hospital.
To tell you the truth, all this excitement, I've kinda lost track.
[Happy] Or not leaving 20% at breakfast?
[tires screech]
[banging]
[Happy screams and glass smashing]
[pedestrians chatter excitedly]
[grunts]
[groans and sighs]
I don’t want to be mean, but you are really, really bad at driving.
Disagree. Look at all the traffic we avoided.
-Didn’t need Google Maps. -Nick!
I... I want to remind you that a little girl’s life is at stake.
-Merry Christmas! -[excited chattering]
You know something?
You need to relax, calm down and get into the Christmas spirit.
Be cheerful. Besides, like I said... I got an idea.
And that porridge is just right.
What the... Sax?
Oh, the teddy bear talked, Nick.
That’s the second job I did free because you can’t learn to knock.
Well, to be fair, you did leave both half-finished.
This is so not funny.
Oh! These most be the magic carrots that make the reindeer fly.
Look, I’ll be happy to pay you for your, uh, business losses.
I just need a little help from you.
The last time you needed my help, I ended up wearing four dead guys.
This is totally different. I’m just looking for someone, Santa fetish,
meth head. Looks like he was dipped in honey and rolled in garbage.
-Likes little kids. -Yeah, I don’t do Santas.
I had a pervy uncle used to dress like Santa every Christmas.
I think he was my uncle.
-I don’t want to talk about it, okay? -We all got to draw the line somewhere.
Still, something tells me you know where to find some holly-jolly freaks.
Don’t you, Angel?
Yeah, sure. I know where to find them.
The North Pole.
[Christmas rap song plays]
What is this place, Nick?
This, my petite amigo, is a Winter Wonderland.
I’m suddenly thirsty.
[Christmas rap song plays]
[punters and girls chatter]
-All right, I give. What’s the deal? -What?
What-what?
-Santa thing? -Mm.
Hm, they’ve been coming in here as long as anybody can remember.
Department store Santas, street Santas, you know,
bell ringers, it’s a place they can hang out and unwind, judgment-free.
It’s a stressful job, you know?
So are you going to order something, or are we just fast friends?
Whiskey, bottom shelf. Don’t pollute it.
-You can have all the cherries you want? -Goddamn right. Wait a minute.
-Your kind, you can eat? -We pretend to.
Oh, for Christ’s sake. All right, forget about the cherries.
Look around, see if you see him.
-These are all real Santas. -Aw!
Mm! Waiting.
I haven’t had a drink in 19 hours. I’m as dry as a cured ham.
Hear that?
Nick, are... are you crying?
Sh.
Leave the bottle.
Wait. I’m looking for someone.
Try Grindr.
A Santa Claus... into little kids, a little too much if you know what I mean.
No clue how you find a guy like that other than throw a bottle in any direction.
Mean and scary, Nick, tell him he’s mean and scary.
Thank you very much, but if you don’t mind,
I’ll do the questions around here.
-I’m not a cop. -Clearly.
-Now what, Nick? -First, get nice and lubricated,
take the edge off, straighten out my head and then we work.
[Merry] Penny Baker. Parents are Brent and Emma.
Lost their kid at Roosevelt Field Shopping Center.
They didn’t lose her.
Right. She was taken.
Did I lose Hailey? You think this is my fault?
No.
We were at Bryant Park, seeing Sonny Shine, the three wishes guy.
I was holding her hand...
and then I wasn’t.
I’m sorry
I’m not asking for sympathy. Besides I wouldn’t expect you to understand.
-You’re obviously not a mother. -[exhales]
You don’t know that.
If you were a mother, I could tell.
You’re not a mother.
Fair enough. I probably couldn’t even hold my kid’s hand right without...
Maybe you ought to let me talk in there.
This is going to be fun.
She needed a new winter coat. That’s why we were at the mall.
-They grow like weeds these days. -Every year it’s a new this or that.
When did you first notice she was gone?
-At Burlington’s. -[sighs] The coat store.
-It’s so big, you know? -Yeah.
We only looked away for a couple of seconds.
She went to the mirror. Girls this age, they’re--
How does it look on me?
-I don’t know why I didn’t go with her. -Why I didn’t either.
You can’t blame yourself.
[exhales] How can you not?
The poor thing, all alone.
-Where’s your husband? -Hailey’s dad?
He’s not around, never has been.
-You mind if I use your... -[Emma] Right upstairs.
Second door on the left.
[music: "Button Up Your Overcoat" by Helen Kane]
For you... 'cause you’re nice.
-Eat. -No.
[grunts]
Mm! Mm!
Mm! Mm! Mm!
You want to see your daddy, don’t you?
Yeah.
I want to see him, too.
-Eat. -No.
-Eat. -No!
-Eat the cake! -No!
-Eat it! -No! I’m not eating that!
[mutters]
[Santa mutters]
[as little boy] Come on. Eat the fruitcake.
Eat it all up so you can tell me again
about how your daddy’s going to come here and save you.
[sobs softly]
[exhales deeply]
-Are you sure? -[doctor] About seven weeks give or take.
Looks like Santa Claus brought you a little present. [chuckles]
-Hey. -Hey.
-Hey. What are you doing here? -I, uh...
I got you this.
You got me a book.
Cheever. I remembered how much you said you loved it.
-Oh, yeah -Or was that just one of the many things
you said to get me in bed?
[Sax chuckles]
Listen, do me a favor. Take this home.
If I leave it here, some scumbag’s going to walk away with it.
Any chance I can take you to lunch? We need to talk.
You know I can’t.
-You never can. -I...
Never a good time to talk. Never a good time for us.
Yo! How screwed are we?
-Hello, Merry. -Hey.
Anyway, I see you’re busy. We do need to talk. Tonight?
Yep. Yep. Yep.
-It’s important, Nick. -I know.
Tonight, I promise.
They want to talk to me.
Fuck 'em.
That guy is radioactive, Nick.
[phone rings]
[Sax] Sax.
What was that?
That son of a bitch is beating on her again.
[muffled thud]
[muffled banging]
-[screams] -[gasps]
[gasps]
[Merry] Sax! Sax!
Freeze! Don’t move.
Okay. I guess this is happening.
If he moves, put a hole in him.
Where’s the baby? Where’s the goddamn baby?
Sax. Sax!
[microwave oven buzzes]
-[bell rings] -[grunts]
[grunts]
[breathes heavily]
[grunts]
[breathes heavily]
[grunts and breathes heavily]
[groans]
[pants and grunts]
[groans]
[ticking]
I mean, obviously I get it. It's not like I'm a communist, for Christ’s sakes.
I’m just saying at the end of the day, it's the thing you poop through,
nothing more, nothing less.
[dancer] Dude. Do you mind? I’m trying to work here.
I’m not the one who offered up a free lap dance.
No, but my boss told me to take you out of the main room
'cause you were spooking the clientele and now I can see why.
-Bad for business is my kind of thing. -Okay.
I don’t know what’s bringing me down more, your limp dick or your blah, blah, blah!
Anyway, you ain’t really here for a good time.
I heard you asking questions out there.
What is this, some pathetic excuse for an investigation?
I’m beginning to wonder the same thing myself.
You ought to talk to Mrs. Claws
because that bitch has been here since dirt was young
and if she doesn’t got any answers for you, you’re in the wrong club.
-Mm. -[bell rings and Happy laughs]
Wee! [laughs]
We'll never speak of it.
[Christmas rap son plays]
Mrs. Claws?
[coughs and wheezes]
What can I do you for, Big and Tall?
Well, I’m sure you’ve heard why I’m here... who we’re looking for.
Now, you can give it to me hard, or you can give it to me easy?
I’d like to give it to you ten ways from Sunday.
I’m not so sure I’d say no to that.
You wear a Santa suit, you got issues one way or another.
Goes with the territory.
But the guy you’re looking for is something else.
Reminds me of a fella we all knew back in the day,
back when Christmas was Christmas.
Worked at Gimbels before it closed down.
This was like Madison Square Garden for Santas.
The Big Enchilada.
He was good, real good.
No one suspected what really went on behind all the tinsel and cellophane.
Turns out the guy was a real sicko, a monster.
A monster?
The elves knew, though. You can’t keep much from those little sons of bitches.
They knew what he did to the kids when mommy and daddy weren’t around
and they hated him for it.
He was giving all of us in the yuletide economic niche a bad name.
Ended up hanging himself, in ladies' intimates.
-The elves made sure of it. -[Sax] Tell the story like you was there.
If I was I'd never cop to it, not to you or anyone.
Anyway, those were different times, better times.
Nowadays they put freaks like that on TV and make 'em millionaires.
I used to ride that pole.
Rode it good, too.
Yeah, it’s a swell story,
but need I remind you that my monster is very much alive and kicking?
Now, this Gimbels Piñata Santa,
what does he have to do with the price of ass in China?
Not him. The son.
He had a kid, that one. Can you imagine?
Wound up institutionalized.
No one heard anything about him after that.
-It’s the kid, Nick. -Bit of a leap, ain’t it?
I ain’t saying he’s the one you’re looking for,
I ain’t saying he ain’t.
Still...
...I wonder, some nights...
where's that little boy now?
[heavy breathing]
It’s the fruitcake.
It’s magic.
It makes you see things.
Look.
[wheezy cackle]
Do you see?
[exhales]
Just... just come with me.
Come with me.
We’re going on a little trip.
You’re going to take me to see your daddy.
[people chatter]
-[Amanda] Tell me she's going to be okay. -[Merry] I wish I could.
They cried to me and I believed them.
Why would anyone do that to their own child?
Who knows, 15 minutes of fame.
Stopped figuring out the why a long time ago.
He never talked to me about it, what he saw.
Days like this.... how he felt.
Guess he had you for that.
[chuckles]
Yeah, some talker that guy was. Couldn’t shut him up.
[chattering and police radio]
Sax didn’t need a shoulder to cry on. He was too strong for that.
That’s what you call strong?
And all this time I thought you knew him better than I did.
I'll take you home.
We’re not done. We still have other parents to talk to.
Haven’t you seen enough?
-[cell phone rings] -You’re kidding, right?
-Yeah? -Yeah. Yeah.
Such a vulgar way to answer the telephone.
-What do you want, Blue? -You know what I want, Meredith.
The question that should be keeping you awake at night
is what am I prepared to do to get it?
Don’t worry. I’ve got a whole new way into Nick Sax.
[popcorn crackles]
[frenzied crackling]
-[bell rings] -[George on TV] Mary! Where’s Mary? Mary!
Oh, look at this wonderful, old drafty house! Mary!
-[Mary] Oh, George! -[George] Are you real?
You have no idea what's happened to me.
You've no idea what happened... Oh!
[TV blares in background]
Thanks, hon.
So, ready for that talk?
I don’t want to talk.
You don’t want to talk.
You promised.
I asked you and you promised.
How about this? You don’t have to say anything at all.
I just need to ask you a question.
What if we were to... add another stocking to the mantle?
[Hark the Herald Angels sung on TV]
Well, Amanda, that is a wonderful idea.
Let’s bring an innocent child into this wonderful, wonderful world...
...full of wonderful, wonderful people...
...wonderful sights... wonderful sounds.
[bones crunch]
Our own little perfect family, you, me and our bundle of bones... and flesh.
Blood...
I mean, why not have a child?
What’s the worst thing that can happen?
Winds up like me?
[Harry] To my big brother, George, the richest man in town.
[grunts]
[opens zipper]
[sighs and splatter of pee]
Oh, yeah.
[bells jangle]
[yells]
[grunting and groaning]
Ah!
[grunts]
[groans]
[grunts and pants]
That’s funny. You look just like your picture.
[grunts]
[growls]
[grunts]
[grunts and pants]
[grunting]
[panting and grunting]
[breathes heavily]
Nick? Nick, are you all right? What happened?
Oh, no. No. Oh, no, no, no.
[Happy gasps]
I can see you!
[manic laugh]