[Happy] Previously on Happy...
[Merry] Nick Sax, hard to believe this piece of shit
used to be the best detective in the whole department.
[Sax] Right now, you’re talking to the man
who was hired to kill the Scaramucci brothers.
[groaning]
Wait, wait, wait!
The old Don in Sicily, before he died, he gave me a password.
It’s priceless.
Nick Sax has got his fat, grubby fingers on my password.
You’re a great source of information.
[Sax] Seems pretty clear that whoever knows this password
is as good as dead or worse.
-[Sax] Smoothie? -I’m going to set an example of you.
[Happy] Come on! Snap out of it!
♪ I’m Happy! ♪
♪ The happy horse, horse, horse So full of fun, of course, of course ♪
-You’re not real. -Course not.
I’m Hailey’s imaginary friend,
the sweetest, most adorable little girl in the whole world,
but she’s in real bad trouble
and you’re the only one that can help me save her!
Hailey!
Oh, hey, Merry. Can I borrow your car?
I didn’t want to tell you Nick, Hailey is your daughter.
♪ It came upon the midnight clear ♪
♪ That glorious song of old ♪
♪ From angels bending near the earth ♪
[Jerry Springer] Come on, now. This is a network show!
[J.D.] I told that ratchet and I'm telling you motherf... [bleep].
-I ain't no motherf... [bleep] baby daddy. -[audience] Boo!
[bleep] It’s not mine!
I’ve been doing this show 27 years. I've never heard that before.
-[woman laughs] -Come on, Jerry. Jerry. Jerry. Jerry.
Man, look at that and then look at this!
-Look at this! -[audience] Boo!
I would never hit that [bleep]. I would never hit that...
I'd hit that.
-Oh, yeah! -[cheering]
-Hey, baby! -[J.D.] Yo, man.
I don’t want to [bleep] that [bleep]. It’s your baby now!
No, this is your baby! Look at this! Look at this!
-Yeah! Look, look at this! -Get the [bleep] out of here, man!
Well, we're going to find out who hit what and from what end,
but first, here’s another winner at life who claims the kid ain't his.
Give it up for Nick Sax.
[cheering and applause]
I have no idea why I'm even here.
[audience shout and laugh]
Well, you're not really here. This is a metaphor.
You've experienced a near death bodily trauma...
-Yeah. -...after hearing the best news
any guy can ever hear.
Let's give a nice hand to the new papa!
[cheering]
[baby cries]
Sorry to disappoint. I ain’t nobody's daddy.
[audience mutter angrily]
How can you be so sure? You shooting blanks?
[laughter and applause]
Which is pretty funny, considering your line of work.
[laughter]
Look, any alleged incidents of erectile dysfunction,
that I am in no way admitting to,
would be a fairly recent development for me and totally beside the point.
I'm telling you, I don't belong here.
The only thing I am father to is a baseball-sized colonic impasse
that’s getting worse every minute of this conversation.
[audience mutter]
Well, there's a lovely lady, backstage in our green room,
who frankly has a different version of events.
[cheering and applause]
[studio goes silent]
You can't even bear to look at her, can you, Nick?
-What are you running from? -[audience] Yeah!
[car horn]
[tires screech]
So, don't take this the wrong way, but looks like someone needs a little nap!
[Nick grunts] [Happy squeaks]
All right, I accept you.
You're not a hallucination.
You're not my subconscious trying to dry-rape me for all my past sins.
-[inhales] You're real. -Imaginary friend.
Shh...
Listen to me. I once saw a man high on PCP rip off his own testicles
in the middle of Times Square.
Do you know what I’m trying to say to you?
[Sax breathes heavily]
I'm saying, I've seen some crazy shit.
So, I accept it. You exist. You're here.
[breathes heavily]
There's probably a little girl somewhere out there
who needs her daddy, real goddamned dad,
and you should go find him, 'cause I ain't him.
You are him, Nick, and she's yours.
My God.
Those teeth, those flared nostrils and beady eyes.
It's somehow endearing and yet... so, so horrible.
How do you even...
Oh, forget it.
[Happy screams]
[sniffles]
[background chattering]
[man sings out tune] ♪ O come, all ye faithful ♪
♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪
♪ Oh, Christmas tree Oh, Christmas tree ♪
♪ How lovely are your branches ♪
♪ You're looking good You're smelling right ♪
♪ I give it to you every night ♪
["He'll Be Coming Down The Chimney" by Guy Lombardo plays]
[door slams]
♪ Don't look out the window And don’t wait by the door ♪
♪ He’ll be coming down the chimney Like he always did before ♪
♪ When you hear his sleigh bells ♪
♪ Don't look front or back ♪
♪ He’ll be coming down the chimney With a sack upon his back ♪
♪ If you wrote your letters to Santa and you’re good ♪
♪ You’ll find your stockings all filled up With the things you hoped you would ♪
♪ So, don't look out the window And don't wait by the door ♪
♪ He’ll be coming down the chimney Yes... ♪
Hello? Anybody there?
-[boy] I'm here. -Hi.
-Do you know where we are? -No.
-Who are you? -Hailey Hansen. What's your name?
Are you there?
[boy] Yeah.
Has he hurt you?
He doesn't like us talking.
He thinks we're going to do something bad,
like try to run away.
He doesn't want us to go back to our parents.
What does he want?
He wants us to stay little kids.
He wants us to stay little kids forever.
Mrs. Jablonski, it's me, Sax. Is that cooking spray?
Oh, Dr. Sax.
Oh and no ring!
I'm going to introduce you to my granddaughter.
-Thrilled. -You can't be too careful, Doctor.
This used to be a nice neighborhood, before all them, you know...
Bad hombres.
-Skulking around. -Yeah.
I heard them climbing the fire escape earlier.
Fire escape.
Honey... I’m home.
Surprise!
Hey, boys! What the hell?
No balloons? No hookers! Come on! What kind of a going-away party is this?
[sighs]
I want to thank you guys for not tossing my apartment.
Wait. Did you?
Jesus Christ.
Ow. [grunts]
Look at his balls.
Swinging like a watch.
I mean, they are hypnotic.
Yeah!
In video games, this is what they call respawning.
This isn’t a game, Sax.
I just got to pick up a few essentials from the trusty, old go bag...
so I can vamanos my dirty, white ass out of here.
Ah.
That's a good one.
And with that, I bid you bye-bye.
Help yourselves to the fridge. I got ten-day old Chinese in there,
but with the MSG... I think you guys'll be all right.
I would offer you booze, but I wasn’t expecting company.
Oh, do make sure to extend my season greetings to Blue.
You seem confused, Sax.
I seem to think you assholes didn’t get the memo,
the one where Blue wants me alive.
-The password? -Oh.
Oh, yeah, right, so.
Yeah, we don't work for Blue.
-Huh? -We’re with Fresh Ken, 9th Street.
-Since when? -Tuesday.
-Why? -More money.
I understand that. Fresh Ken.
Anyway, this password that you talked about.
-Yeah? -It's actually why we're all here.
See, nobody knows what it's for.
Word on the street is, Blue gets his hands on that password,
he becomes untouchable, unstoppable.
Word on the street?
It's like some Ark of the Covenant shit for hoods.
He'd wipe us all out like polio.
-And I'm the only one who... -Knows the password.
-Which is why... -You gotta get dead.
Well, ain't this a sticky wicket?
[grunting and clamoring]
[groaning]
[grunting and groaning]
[groaning]
[thug] He’s going down the fire escape!
[Sax] Bad hombres.
[chuckles] [groans]
Ah, peanuts.
[grunts and groans]
[gunshots]
[screams]
[grunts and groans]
[gunshots]
[pants]
[grunts and groans]
[clicks]
[grunts]
[pants]
Nick, there comes a time when you just got to face reality.
Fuck you! Get the fucking-fuck away from me!
[gasps] Swear jar! Swear jar! When dirty words come out too far!
That'll be 25 cents, please!
-[gunshot] -Argh!
Oh, crackers and jam, Nick! Now we're flat broke!
That’s right, money. [pants] We need guns and money.
And I know just the guy.
Great! So, we'll just, run there I guess.
We are so... [squeaks]!
[chatter on police radio]
This your car?
[cell phone rings]
James Joyce called cheese the corpse of milk.
I never listen to folk music.
You're more of a yellow-slices, wrapped-in-plastic girl.
Kraft American.
Just get to the point. You want Sax.
We need to learn to take our time with things.
This wine, for instance...
began as a grape.
A sweet thing, yes.
But also an immature thing.
To reach its full potential, the grape is subjected to pressure,
squashed to a pulp...
reduced to its essence.
Sealed in darkness and there it waits,
compelled by the hands of time to become a finer thing.
-I get it, Blue. I'm the grape. -No. No. No. You don't get it.
I'm the grape.
I'm the goddamn grape!
When I was a boy, hm, the Don swore to me on the souls of his ancestors
that I would get what's mine, if I was patient.
Now, I didn't understand then, but I do now.
I wasn't ready, but now I am.
-And I want what I'm due. -And what's that?
Everything.
This is my time... to step to the fore, take my place as leader of the family.
And you’re in my way, Meredith.
I get it.
Life has been complicated.
Father gunned down in the line of duty...
Your mother, bright, beautiful, talented, she loses her mind.
You, the candy striper.
No man in your life.
The only man you ever loved,
well, broke up his marriage, wrecked his career.
Your script needs a little work.
And now he's back.
And you let him go... gave him your car.
Mm. I'm glad you did. I am.
You gained his trust all over again. Use that trust.
Find him. Bring him in, alive and articulate.
That’s very important, Meredith.
How important?
What did you have in mind?
I bring you Sax and we're even.
I'm out from under you, bill paid in full, me and Ma.
-Deal. -Deal.
What, you want to fucking spit on it?
One thing.
I know how hard it can be to get help at short notice,
so, I've dispatched a qualified professional
to attend to your mother's every need until you do what needs to be done.
-What? -Run along, Meredith.
I can't wait to see the look on his face when you say: "Hey, you." "Who me?"
"Yeah, you! That's my kid you got there!"
"Says who?" "Says me!"
"Oh yeah?" "Yeah!"
And then you give him the old one, two.
Then he runs away screaming to Mommy like a stupid baby.
Oh, my goodness.
-What? What is it? -Shh.
Do you hear that? It's Hailey!
-What? What? -Yeah!
-Where? -In there. Yeah, a little further!
-Hailey? -You hear that, a little further.
I ain't nobody's daddy.
[bleeping]
[Happy screams]
[door buzzes]
[rock music plays in background]
Well, I'll be dipped in cat shit.
Le Dick, boys.
I mean, seriously, Nicky. How many years? Le Dic.
It’s French, yeah, yeah. I know, I’ve heard before.
Why don't we just skip all the pleasantries?
I'm sure you boys want to get back to your little game here.
I need cash, Le Dic, and weapons.
Oh, shit, Nicky, all you gotta do is ask.
How much cash and firearms? Just tell me the type and quantity. Be specific.
Go with ten Gs. No, 20. And guns, you know how I roll.
Uh, small cal, SIG, Kel-Tec and cannon, Desert Eagle,
something that’ll just punch a hole right through the center...
I ain't giving you any money or guns, you pole-smoking,
-broke-ass piece of shit. -Whoa. Calm down. Calm down!
All right, I admit it, I owe you.
Hey, let’s not forget that you owe me.
Come into my place, sit at my table, I haven't seen you in what?
Six months ago when that shit went sideways...
-That was not all my fault. -That was bad.
-Very ugly. -It wasn’t that ugly.
"Give me this. Give me that. I need cash, Le Dic, I need guns!"
Oh, shit. Two pair.
Pass the marmalade, girls.
You want something from me? You sit for a while.
Obviously, I'm not imparting the proper sense of urgency as to my situation.
I’m getting my ass out of town and I'm not talking about tomorrow.
Now, I appreciate the hospitality, but I’m going to take a raincheck.
Bullshit. You’ll get cards in front of you. You’ll play.
Damn it, Le Dick, if I had money for the buy in,
I wouldn't be here with my hat in my hand.
Eighteen karat gold.
-"To my darling Nicholas forever." -You don’t have to read it out loud.
Oh, shit, Sax.
I just get nauseous thinking about how this is gonna go.
So, stick your fingers down your throat and let's play.
[rock music plays in background]
[chuckles]
Bam.
[chuckles]
Who the hell bets a wedding band on a pair of kings?
I'll tell you who, Nick Sax, the fluffer of the universe.
[laughs]
-[doorbell] -[gasps]
[motorcycle engine roars away]
Oh.
[sobs]
[Hailey] What's your favorite part of Christmas?
[Amanda sobs]
[boy] Sitting on Santa's lap.
[Hailey] I used to like that.
[boy] Used to?
He took me away from my mom. I miss her.
[boy] I miss my dad.
We're going to get home.
[boy] How?
I sent my friend to get help.
[snorts]
How's black Christmas coming for you, Pencil Dick?
Bet your kids are pissed, huh? Another year without presents.
[Pencil Dick] They get presents, culturally-significant, homemade presents.
What kind of Christmas is that? Christmas is about Christmas lights,
Christmas trees, Christmas presents, buying shit.
Christ on a cross, just play the game.
Fourth Street. I'm guessing that card hit everybody but Sax.
[Mousy] You know how long it took me to find a Wishee?
Been sold out for three months.
How much you pay for that mass-marketed corporate product?
I mean, look at it. It's like a pink perv-a-saurus.
[Jabba] Used to be booze and bitches. Now it's diapers and day care.
You're lucky, Sax.
No nine to five. No more nagging wife.
No screaming little kid relying on you to bring home the, uh... the Wishee.
You're free.
Yeah, just a bird, living the high life. Start the day off with a bottle of Jack
and then popping a couple ludes just to keep the dreams away.
In between...
I don't remember a goddamn thing.
You're gonna remember this, Sax.
Goddamn deck hates me.
Everyone hates you, Nick.
-Did you find her? -Find who?
-You need to get your eyes checked, Nick. -Check.
Where are your balls, Sax? Oh, right, I took them in the last pot.
Oh, I hate when they take the balls away.
I’m trying to focus here. Get lost.
Uh! Grown up games.
Queen of Hearts. She's pretty.
What did you just say?
I said she's pretty.
She has a gold crown and lipstick.
Fold.
-Where you going, Sax? -Crapper. You want to wipe?
Dude's losing what little he had left.
And I'm not talking about the chips.
Everyone stay cool. We keep him here as long as Blue says.
[music: "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" by Tchaikovsky]
The way you're smiling is like someone who doesn't know what smiles are for.
Those cards, the lady,
the pretty lady with the gold crown and the lipstick, you can see them.
They're not invisible, Nick.
No, but you are.
Oh, my goodness, I have this crazy idea.
-Do you want to go get Hailey? -[gasps] You bet I do.
More than a double scoop of coffee ice cream.
You're going to help me win to get money and guns,
so we can go get her.
Uh... our teacher, Miss Palm says:
"It's better to lose honestly than to win by cheating."
Fuck, Miss...
Wouldn't Miss Palm want you to help me get guns and money,
so we could go get Hailey?
Uh, she'd probably send us to the thinking corner
to come up with a creative solution to our problems.
You're right.
Just thought that... I just...
Just what?
Ah, just a crazy idea, I just thought we could be a team. You know...
partners.
Butch and Sundance. Gin and tonic.
-Mickey and Mallory. -You mean Mickey and Pluto.
PB and motherfucking J.
But... well, guess you don't want to be my partner.
[chuckles]
I'm in.
[sighs]
Bam!
-Ha-ha! -[Happy] Ah!
-[Le Dic groans] -Winning streak, boys!
Oh, yeah!
[Jessica] ♪ Listen to what I’m going to say ♪
♪ Christmas Eve is coming soon... ♪
[chuckles softly]
[oven bell rings]
Our monkey bread is done. [chuckles]
Ma, you okay? Did he do anything to you?
He's making me beautiful again.
-I love hearing you sing. -I’m so excited!
Geraldine Ferrara is going to be our first female president.
Hm.
[sighs] I wish I could have what you're having.
I'll be right back.
This isn’t happening.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Am I being unclear, freak?
Oh, no, no, cops and robbers, go on. This is fantastic. I love this game.
The only problem is, I’m sorry, but the smell of your vagina is
incredibly distracting in a small space.
She really is intoxicating, your mother.
-Lovely voice. Real talent. -Don’t you talk about her.
I bet, and I probably shouldn’t be saying this,
because it was a time before people became stars from sex tapes,
but I think she could have been really big...
if not for her awkward, little daughter...
playing with guns when the other girls were playing with boys.
She threw it all away to raise a flat-chested, little brat
and this is what she gets.
It took me hours to get the mats out of her hair.
When was the last time you brushed her?
I will shoot you in the head.
Mm.
Oh, you think I won’t?
[chuckles]
I clean up her shit three times a day,
I have no problems cleaning your brains up off this ceiling.
Now, you listen to me closely.
The sooner you do what you agreed to do,
the sooner I can get out of this piss-smelling, geriatric nightmare.
Your ex-fucker has resurfaced. You are going to bring him in...
and I am going to get what Blue wants from him.
[laughs]
[both laugh]
Like you did last time?
[chuckles]
Oh.
Ch... ch... ch... [chuckles]
I have to get back to the makeover.
Jessica! Time for the mask to come off!
-Would you look at that? -Winner, winner, chicken dinner!
[laughs]
Some heater you're on, Nicky.
Yeah, you know what they say...
even a clock gets a broken face twice a day.
That's a thing, right?
You've never been lucky, not your whole life.
-The hell angle you running? -Well, if you promise to keep a secret.
I got a little blue horse that’s on top of your hat with wings,
telling me your hand.
Two and a five, not even the same color.
This hand stinks worse than that coat you're wearing, Nick.
[rock music plays in the background]
Mm.
Come on, Le Dick. You trying to bluff me?
[grunts angrily]
[groans]
Doink! Ah!
[laughs and gibbers]
[gibbers and laughs insanely]
-Well, it's been a pleasure, ladies. -Sit down. You are not going anywhere.
I got appointments to keep, people to see
and besides, I got all the cash that I need.
But I'm going to need that band right there.
I'm happy to pay you your own money for it.
Well...
Talk about your sore losers.
You're not going anywhere.
Not till you and Blue figure your shit out.
Well, well, well, the plot sickens.
[Happy gibbers and laughs]
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate
with you bouncing off the ceiling!
It’s like kissing God! It’s like kissing God!
Ah! [laughs] Ah! I’m everything and nothing!
-I’m everything and nothing! -[groans]
Sucks on that like he knows what he’s doing.
You didn’t think we kept you around here all this time
because you’re so fun to be around, did you?
Oh, sad face emoji.
I expected more from you, Le Dick.
-I thought we were friends. -No, no friends here, Sax.
Only got one ass and Blue is all the way up it.
What? No! Come on, Nick! Let’s play some more!
Let's clean these donkeys out!
-Game's over, pal. -Afraid so.
What do you mean over? Look at all this cold hard lettuce!
We hit the jackpot!
My God, look at yourself. What would Miss Palm say?
Do you even know where you are right now?
Hm. Eeh..
But I do have a confession for you boys. I did cheat.
-I knew it. -You are the worst poker player ever, Sax.
I don't deny it.
I think we all know there there's only one thing I've ever been any good at.
[clicks]
Merry Christmas!
-Mousy! -Goodbye.
Sax!
[gun clicks]
[breathes heavily] Okay.
Like you said, Nicky. We're friends, right? [pants]
Take the money. Take the guns.
Consider yourself debt free. [pants]
Oh, I'm taking the money and the guns... and your shitty car.
Here, here.
Yeah. [clears throat]
Are we forgetting something?
Oh, yeah, the, uh... on your, uh. Yeah.
[pants]
[grunts]
[strenuous grunt]
[pants]
Don’t worry, Frenchie. I’ll help you with that.
[chuckles]
[screaming]
Welcome back down.
[sighs] Where are we going?
This way.
Well, the city's back that way.
Hailey's back that way.
You... you said we were partners, PB and J. We had a deal.
Never shook on it.
I'm grabbing pancakes and then I'm driving ever-westward.
Stay, go... entirely up to you.
[Hailey] He's the strongest man in the world and fast.
He'll catch you.
If you're hiding, he knows where to find you.
[boy] Wow.
My dad's coming. He's a hero.
He's going to find Santa and he's going to put him in jail forever.
What if Santa finds your daddy first?
Just run an APB
-and if he surfaces, you come to me first. -[Amanda] I want to see McCarthy.
-[cop] I'm not gonna tell you again. -It's all right.
I need your help.
-Okay. How can I help you? -Someone kidnapped my daughter.
I'm sorry to hear that.
But this is homicide. I'm homicide.
I know.
I need to find Nick.
I haven't seen Nick in ten years.
Wouldn't even begin to know where to look.
Someone took Hailey
and nobody in this place wants to do anything about it.
You owe me.
I'll introduce you to a wonderful detective in Missing Persons
and he'll be able to help you, but to be clear...
I don't owe you anything at all.
Hailey, Bailey, you almost done with your... No.
That’s all she knows, one picture, and from it, she made up a hero.
But you're no hero, are you, Nick?
What I've been trying to tell you.
Look me in the eyes.
-Oh, man, but those back on. -No.
[sighs] If only Hailey knew... you’re more imaginary than I’ll ever be.
Oh, nasty. Wow. That stings. You really hurt me there.
Look, it's real easy to judge a guy when bullets can't hurt you.
These assholes who were coming for me, I don't know if you can understand this,
but they're playing for keeps.
I can die... just like you.
How can you die? You’re imaginary.
I die if she dies.
I saw what you did to all those bad guys, Nick.
If you can do that, you can save Hailey. You can!
But you... you won't...
because you're not running from the bad guys.
You're running from her, because that's the kind of guy you are.
When I left Hailey, I was good like her.
Now, I've cheated. I've lied.
I've snorted narcotics, a lot of narcotics!
Listen, unicorn...
Listen, unicorn, this is not the imaginary world.
This is the real world and it's messy.
And people do a lot of things that they're not very proud of,
ordering this breakfast for one.
But I'm going to soldier through... and when I'm done,
I am going to get into that hideous automobile in front.
I'm going to punch my ticket out of here...
leaving this cold, filthy city and everything in it
in my rearview mirror.
Ever westward, baby.
And I ain't stopping until I see that sun drop into the water.
In a city of seven million, why'd it have to be you?
It ain’t me.
Keep saying it. Keep saying it, and someday you might believe it.
That picture of you that Hailey saw was real.
You were a hero once. I guess that's why you hate yourself.
And it's a 20% tip always, no matter what the service.
Nick, they live on tips.
-[people booing] -[Jerry] Come on, Nick.
Everyone in our audience seems to be ahead of you on this one.
You know in your heart she's yours, don't you, Nick?
[applause and cheering]
I didn't even know you were still on the air.
[audience] Oh!
[booing]
If you run away, Nick, you're never going to stop
and eventually you're going to die, miserable
-and alone and filled with regret. -[audience chant] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry...
You do still process regret, don't you, Nick?
[audience] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[bell rings]
[indistinct chattering and shouting]
-[yelling and screaming] -[audience] Jerry...
[laughter]
Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry...
[yelling and indistinct chattering]
[squeals]
[audience] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[chattering and yelling]
[audience] Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
[yelling and whooping]
[Sax] Get in.
-I'm not going ever westward, Nick. -Neither am I.
[sighs] Come on. Let's go find this kid.
[Happy laughs]
-[Happy] Partners? -[Sax] Don't push it.