Dear Diary, sometimes you have to make big decisions.
Sometimes you have to make difficult decisions.
I had to break up with Finn before we went any further,
before breaking up would be so painful that we wouldn't be able to be
around each other any more. Here's your jacket.
What's going on?
I just...
I just want to be friends, I don't want to go out.
What do you mean? Since when?
That's my decision. I'm sorry.
No, Rae, what have I done?! Rae?!
There y'are.
I don't know what I'm more upset about.
Having to give your Bowie back, or...
That's a lie.
I do know.
Rae, I can't be friends with you right now, I just can't.
Look...
It's my decision.
I'm sorry.
Monday, the 30th of September, 1996.
You ever see those people at school or college who are always deep in a book?
It's not so much that they love reading, it's because when you're on your own,
it's too embarrassing to sit and do nothing.
You've got to look busy, like you don't care that no-one wants to talk to you.
The funny thing is that at college, if your thing is looking sad
and contracting hepatitis, there's a place for you.
If your thing is playing old computer games and seeing who can be
the first to complete Golden Axe 100 times, then there's a place for you.
If your thing is being popular, cool and getting attention off boys,
there's a place for you.
But I was now the crazy girl who set the fire alarm off.
So for me - and for a few others - there was no place.
The worst thing was that it was my own fault
I was alone. I had friends already,
but I couldn't be around them much at the moment.
No matter how lonely I got, I had to give him space.
It was the least I could do.
There was one thing that got me through the day, though.
Food.
It may shock you to hear this, but I love food.
I love how melting cheese bubbles and browns like yellow lava.
I love having a fried egg and saving the yolk until last,
popping its golden bubble with the corner of my toast.
I love when chocolate cake is so sticky that it gums up your mouth
and crawls down your throat.
And when I'm hungry, like right now, I love it even more.
But right here, right now, just water.
At college, there's only one place you can go if you want some privacy.
And for what I was doing, I needed privacy.
Oh, my God!
Mum? Mum?
Rae.
What is going on? I have joined the SPG, love.
The Stamford Pregnancy Group.
We just hang out, you know, discuss pregnancy things.
Right, so it's necessary for you to pump your vaginas in the air, is it?
Oi! Where are you going with those?
If I can't smoke, you can't smoke.
What are they doing here?
They needed somewhere to do their pelvic floor exercise class,
so I suggested they come here. Is that OK?
POP!
Yeah, that's fine with me.
Since I'm being so cool about all this,
would it be all right if you gave me 15 quid?
No.
But it's for an album
that I really want... No.
..by a band that I really...
Do you speak English, Rae? No.
Nein, non, negative, no. Not gonna happen.
I've just spent my last 25 quid signing up to the SPG.
Rae, please. I just want to say... Archie,
I don't want to speak to you.
Here. I got you something.
I can't believe you would join in with those wankers.
You're supposed to be my friend.
Do you know how horrible it is to have someone slag you off like that?
Yeah, I know, I know.
I can't be friends with someone who's as much of a phoney as you are.
Rae...
It was getting to the stage where I couldn't bear
to be on my own any more. That's the thing about loneliness.
It creeps and it grows inside you like a deep silence.
I had to find someone.
Maybe I could grab Chloe when she wasn't around Finn and just hang out.
But it looked like she had found a place to fit in, too.
Why couldn't I?
Oh, here she is! Listen, Psycho.
Oh, shit! I was wondering if you could set the fire alarm off round about half-two-ish?
I've got a PE exam I could do with avoiding.
What's in the bag?
Full of medication? No.
Let us have a look, then. No, please, don't.
Why don't you just get the fuck off her, Simmy?
What? "What?"
Oh, yeah, it's easy picking on girls, innit?
Yeah, I notice you don't pick on lads any more, since you got your arse kicked
by Dom Yeates' brother.
Whatever, Stacey! I'm only having a laugh!
Well, it doesn't look like it!
So, why don't you take your tiny penis and your tiny testicles and piss off?
You all right?
Er... yeah, thanks.
You're Chloe's mate, aren't you?
Yeah.
Have they said they don't mind me hanging out with them? Yes.
Will you stop asking me that?
Don't be nervous, but you need to get in with them, Rae. So that way,
we can hang out more, too.
Well, is there anything I should know?
Tell me a bit about them all.
Right, OK, then.
OK, imagine a ladder.
At the bottom of the ladder there's me, Chloe.
I'm single, I enjoy Italian food, tennis and singing in the shower.
You're at the bottom of the ladder?
Yeah, well, give me a chance, Rae. I've only been in the gang a week.
So next up... is Lois.
Lois is very sweet, she's just not the brightest.
She says she's got this secret boyfriend.
No-one's ever seen him.
There's a very strong possibility that he's imaginary.
Vicky, you've met before.
She can be a bit of a bitch if she doesn't know you.
She's got this skin condition
and she had a proper bad flare-up a couple of days ago,
so don't mention anything.
Then there's Amy. She's quiet, a little scary.
And then of course, top of the ladder, there's Stacey herself.
She likes tarot cards, dancing and the Backstreet Boys.
Backstreet Boys?
She's 16 years old.
Come on then, let it all out of your system before we get in there.
Right. Backstreet Boys make me want to scald my inner thighs
with the hottest substance known to man - strawberry jam Pop-Tarts.
They make me want to spend months learning how to drive,
then years of working hard, saving up all my money so I can buy a Land Rover
and run them all down.
They are everything that is wrong with the world.
They are destroying music.
Are you done?
Yeah.
One last thing. Don't mention to Vicky that Lois
talked to her ex-boyfriend's brother Paul at Tina Mocock's party back in March
when Stacey specifically asked her not to...
..cos she knew he had this weird crush
on her sister Yasmina who's got issues.
She doesn't want Vicky getting all hysterical. Have you got that, Rae?
Rae? Let's do this.
So, Rae!
What kind of stuff are you into?
Oh, I don't know, erm...
arguing with my mum, drinking cider...
Oh! Music.
We talk more about fashion, don't we? But we all like music.
Like Lois cried when she found out that Tupac died.
Didn't you, Lois?
But I'm the only one who really listens to, like, a wide variety of music, really.
What do you think of the Backstreet Boys?
I've never really heard any of their stuff.
You've never heard Backstreet Boys?!
No.
That's unbelievable!
So, what fashion are you into?
Just whatever. Labels?
Yep.
It's all about Morton at the moment.
Oh, it's all Morton. I love Morton.
So, erm... why aren't you wearing any labels today?
Lois, how are things going with your mystery boyfriend?
We spent last night kissing.
He's quite shy, so I guess I don't want to rush him. Anyway,
I think I'm really falling for him.
Don't commit to anything until you've seen his penis.
Trust me.
Chloe, did you get that bottle of water I asked you for?
Yeah, yeah, I did, actually.
There you go. Thanks.
Oh... oh, it's not sparkling.
Sorry.
It's all right. Never mind.
Oh! Before I forget, I've got my invites for my birthday on Saturday.
Amy, Lois,
Vicks and Chlo.
Now, I haven't decided on a venue yet, so I ask that you all remain patient.
Right, let's bounce, bitches.
See you later, Rae.
I needed a fresh approach, or I was going to be a loner for ever.
Maybe I was wrong about the reason loners read so much at college.
Maybe they actually want to escape reality for a while,
disappear into a different world.
Agh!
That's for my brother, you pig!
Oi, oi!
Ah, The Tempest.
It's crap, isn't it? Is it?
I like Caliban.
He's a freak.
An outsider, but deep down, he's very poetic.
Remind you of anyone?
Ah!
Did I see you hanging around with Amy Malone earlier?
Not really.
Is she single?
I don't know.
Find out for me.
She's got amazing calves. I love calves.
Good for you. It's nice to have an interest.
Where's your lunch? Oh, I'm not hungry.
Have one of my hot dogs. I've already eaten.
I thought you said you're not hungry?
I'm not hungry, because I've already eaten.
You can't eat in front of people, can you?
What?
Why would I not be able to eat in front of people?
I can eat in front of people.
So...
..eat.
I don't have to prove anything to you.
Don't get annoyed with me, just because I'm right.
You're not right. And I'm not annoyed.
You look annoyed. Yeah, that's because you're annoying.
There is one place at college you can go for a bit of privacy,
because Liam was right. Outside of hospital, I've not eaten
in front of another human being for eight years.
Well, except my mum - but she's not really human.
It makes being at college even more difficult,
but I guess it is one bonus of being alone all the time.
Oh, what the hell?
Rae! Jesus!
Sorry, did I scare you?!
What's going on?
I'm just sorting out a jumble sale for the SPG.
No-one else had any space, so I volunteered our house.
It smells like dead bodies.
Yeah, well, there's a strong chance that people have died
wearing some of these clothes.
I'd definitely stay away from the pyjamas, anyway.
Mum? Have you thought any more about that £15?
Yeah. I've thought about how much there's no chance I'm giving it to you.
If I had any chance of getting in with the girls, I had to do some research.
Archie, I told you... Rae.
♪ Didn't mean to make you sad
♪ Didn't mean to make you cry
♪ Didn't mean to let you down
♪ Dark without you by my side
♪ In the shadows In the night
♪ Dark without your shining light
♪ My Rae of sunshine shining bright
♪ My Rae makes everything all right
♪ I'm sorry that I made you sad
♪ Sorry that I made you cry
♪ I'm sorry that I let you down
♪ I want you back here by my side
♪ My Rae of sunshine shining bright
♪ My Rae makes everything all right. ♪
Bravo! Very good, Archie.
Thank you, Mrs Bouchtat, Mr Bouchtat.
I'm so sorry.
I've been trying to think of ways that I could make it up to you.
Archie, you can make it up to me by not being so fake any more.
Because I can't be mates with someone who's like that.
Just be yourself.
Can you do that?
Yeah.
Promise me.
Promise.
Rae, come here.
We're all just talking about what we're going to do for Stacey's birthday.
Yeah, you know, bowling's fine, but the shoes are gross.
But they spray them.
The spray smells worse than the actual... Rae, is that a Morton top?
This? Is it?
Oh, yeah. Where d'you get it from?
Morton. How much was it?
I didn't want to look. You know what it's like.
Just close my eyes, hand over the money.
Rae, we're all going to go over to mine tonight.
Fancy it? Yeah. I could get down with that.
Dear Diary, I am officially a girl.
I mean, yeah, I'm not denying the existence of my vagina
for the past 16 years, but this was it. Talking about hair, clothes, boys,
what products to use to make your skin soft, I felt like I was involved
in something that was making me feel feminine for the first time in my life.
So, where's Vicky?
She's at the opticians.
That's not true, Lois. She told me not to say.
Look, she's at a specialist about her skin.
D'you know, it's gotten so bad recently.
She should just use some cream or something, like...
something with steroids in it.
I think she uses something already...
Yeah, well she should stop using so much foundation, too.
I know she wants to hide her skin, but it doesn't. And it makes it worse.
Pretty soon, she's going to be putting it on with a trowel.
Oh, someone should say something.
Tell us about your love life, Rae. Who are you seeing at the moment?
Oh, cool, the Chinese is here. Will you go and get it?
Is it my turn?
I don't know, we don't do turns, silly!
Oh, all right, then.
And will you pay for mine as well? I'll give you the cash back at college.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
Oh, by the way, Rae's just broke up with Finn Nelson.
You broke up with him?
You broke up with Finn Nelson? Yeah.
Is it true you got caught doing stuff in the toilets?
No.
Why did you break up with him?
Well, I just wanted to be friends.
That's so cool, Rae.
Stacey went out with Finn, too, but he broke up with her.
Yeah, only because he found out I was going to finish with him.
That is the only reason.
Oh, look who came free with the Chinese!
Oh, hi, Vicks. Hiya.
Hi. How was the opticians?
Er, good, yeah. I don't need to wear glasses so, er, that's cool.
Oh, that is cool.
So, what tests did you do?
Erm, just standard eye tests. The letter one.
Oh, yeah, I know the letter one.
Help yourself, Rae, there's tons.
Oh, erm...
..no.
Seriously. You don't have to be so polite.
No, I'm not. Erm...
..I'm allergic to soy.
So, er, what have I missed, anyway? Not much.
Oh, Rae got a cool Morton top.
What? Yeah.
No. No. That isn't.
Oh...
it's fake.
Oh, my God! What?!
Hang on a minute, maybe it's just a... you know,
a label you've never seen before.
No, look. It says Mooton!
It does, it says Mooton!
I thought you bought it, Rae.
Yeah, I did buy it. Where from?
The Asian guy on the market that sells Adididas trainers?
I'm, erm... I'm just going to go to the toilet.
Don't cry. Just don't cry.
Don't cry.
Rae? It's Stace. Can I come in?
Rae.
You do know it was your label we were laughing at, don't you? It's not you.
Mooton.
That is pretty funny.
Look. I have something for you.
It's an invite to my birthday on Saturday.
It's been really cool getting to know you these past couple of days,
so it'd mean a lot to me if you were there.
Great!
Thursday, the 3rd of October, 1996.
Did I mention how much I loved hanging around with the girlies?
Oh, Chloe, will you go and get me some crisps out the vending machine?
Cos I feel like I'm going to be really hungry later on.
Yeah.
I need to talk to you guys about something.
I was with my boyfriend last night. Did you shag him?
No, we just kissed again.
I want him to grab me a little, touch me a bit.
Do you know what I mean? You want him to finger you.
Oh!
Is that too much to ask? Do you think it's me?
Do you think he just doesn't fancy me?
Lois, you're so good looking.
Just give him some time. Like you said, he might be quite shy.
Yeah, maybe. Aw, thanks, Rae.
I'll see you guys later.
Bye. See you.
You shouldn't encourage her, Rae.
Lois is so desperate to have a boyfriend
that she's even started to create fictional problems.
I find it so sad.
Her problem is that her standards are way too high,
and if she dropped them,
she could probably get herself a real-life boyfriend.
Someone should say something.
What is this music?
Er, Mr Wendal by Arrested Development. I hate it.
Go and put something else on, Rae. Something good.
This music's doing my head in.
Archie, put summat decent on the jukebox.
I'll do it.
OK.
No, I want Archie to do it.
He knows his music. I know my music.
If you don't like what I put on, I'll give you your 20p back.
Tune. I love this song!
Yeah, we practised this.
Two, three, four...
Well done!
Dear Diary, because I was living off chocolate bars and crisps at college,
my consumption levels from Mum's cupboard had skyrocketed.
Fortunately, she had so much food in the house that she'd...
Oh, no.
I'll deal with you in a minute.
I thought this was going on.
I've been going through the bins.
Do you know what I found?
This. Tell me what you see, Rae.
Seven walnuts?
Correct. Seven walnuts.
Now, where's the sodding whips that were attached to them?
I... This cupboard is out of bounds.
But... I'm locking it.
Now, go.
Karim!
So what if my mum was locking the cupboard
and I couldn't eat in the canteen?
I could get by on stocking up from the vending machine
during break.
Hiya, Rae. Are you coming to the Common Room?
Yeah, sounds good.
I was starting to see a major drawback of being popular.
Are you coming? What?
Oh, shit!
It's not about being angry with yourself
for getting anxious, it's about finding a way to relax.
So today, I'd like to work on some techniques
that hopefully will go some way to achieving that.
But before, I'd like to ask the group
if they'd like to share any of the ways in which they relax.
Well, I meditate. Every morning for 30 minutes.
And then every evening for 20 minutes.
I also do Pilates and yoga.
I'm also doing a course in aromatherapy, it's amazing.
You can't help but relax when you smell chamomile!
I like watching the ducks, er, feeding the ducks. I find ducks very relaxing.
Well, that's great, Dan, thank you.
Er, Rae. I hope you don't mind me sharing,
but the other day you were talking about how important music is to you.
Yeah, I like music.
If I feel anxious or worried, I'll just stick on a...
Rae?
Hiya.
Rae?
Can you hear me?
What happened? You fainted.
How many fingers? Three.
Who's the Prime Minister? John Major.
Sad... but true.
Please tell me you're not on some crazy diet where you starve yourself.
I'm not on a diet.
Rae, don't fuck around with things like this.
You should know better than anyone what the consequences can be.
I don't want to come to this office and get a phone call
that's telling me that you're in some... I am not on a diet. I swear.
I swear.
Whatever it is you're doing, Rae,
just promise me that you'll look after yourself.
Are you all right, Stace?
What you doing, Rae?
I'm just checking out the books.
What's in your hand?
Nothing.
Let me see.
It's just a packet of crisps.
Why are you eating a packet of crisps up here on your own?
Are we friends, Rae?
Of course we're friends.
You're supposed to be able to tell your friends anything.
So tell me what's going on.
I just can't eat in front of people.
Why not?
Well, because if I eat unhealthy food then people will think,
"Oh, look at that fat cow, no wonder she got to that size."
And if I eat healthy food, then they think,
"Well, who are you trying to kid, love?
"You didn't get to that size by eating salads."
No-one would say anything to you.
Not while I was around.
They might not say it, but they'll think it.
Trust me. I can see it behind their eyes.
You know, I used to think that I loved food.
But I don't.
I fucking hate it.
Rae...
Oh, and by the way, I've decided that we're going to go...
'I've never opened up to someone like that before,
'I couldn't talk to Liam about it, or Kester about it,
'so why could I talk to Stacey? I didn't even know her.
'I guess some people just have something about them.'
Oh, no, Lucy Clegg. Has to be.
She wears a baseball cap, for God's sake, she's a 16-year-old girl.
I still think it's Sarah Holden. I don't want to play this game.
You're such a wimp, Lois. Rae, what about you?
What?
Who's the biggest loser in college?
Oh, I don't know.
Sarah Holden has skid marks in her knickers. Skid marks!
Eurgh! Seriously, I was almost sick!
Eww! Oh, come on, Rae,
who do you think? I honestly don't know.
Rae!
Well, Linda Carver's a bit of a loser, I guess.
Her glasses are bulletproof. She's always walking round, reading.
Why?
Rae...
What is that interesting that you have to read about it,
every second of every day? It's just weird.
I mean, come on. Get a fucking grip.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! This is too much.
I can't believe you just did that, Rae. Did you see her face?
Jesus, Rae.
What's going on?
Rae, come and sit down.
I've already apologised to Karim and I wanted to say sorry to you, too.
For losing the plot yesterday.
I've been very stressed, running around after that SPG lot.
I didn't once get invited to any event that I wasn't bloody hosting.
So, I quit, got my subscription money back.
Here.
It's the money for that pop album you wanted.
Is this a trap?
No! Just take the money, Rae.
Check out what I got from Morton.
Nice!
Think it's this way, come on.
Oh, my God.
Archie!
Looks like she wasn't making it up.
Excuse me a second, just going to go say hello to Arch.
What the fuck are you doing?
I can explain. OK, go for it.
All right, I can't explain.
You are leading her on exactly the same as what you did to me.
I know, but what... Bu-bu-bu!
You said... No! You promised that you were going to stop being fake.
I need to stop being fake?!
Have you looked in a mirror lately?
Rae!
We are so far from fucking done.
So where's this bar? I could really do with a drink.
It's not a bar, it's a restaurant.
Um, can I have the four cheeses pizza?
Rae?
Um...
Maybe I'll just have a small Margherita pizza, please.
See.
Cheers, everyone.
Cheers.
So I said, "Listen, no-one cares about biology apart from you..."
"..and that is only because you get paid to teach it.".
Chlo?
Could you go and can get me some spare napkins?
Why me?
I don't know, I was...
I was only asking a favour.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I might as well tell you guys now, because it's out. I'm going out with Archie.
From second year.
Archie Archie?!
Yeah. He's fit.
I know and... we've just told each other that we love each other.
Babe, are you all right?
I'm... I'm just so happy.
I'm going for a slash.
Guys, is Amy serious about wearing that trackie top on a night out?!
I mean, I know she's got this whole keeping her street cred thing
going on, but seriously, she just looks rough.
Someone should say something.
'That's when I realised these girls weren't friends,
'Stacey just wanted people around who had vulnerabilities that she could exploit
'to make herself feel better.
'That's why I was there.'
Oh, my God, Rae - nice bracelet.
'And to be honest, I wasn't much better.
'I was a phoney.
'Just like Archie.'
Oh, thank you.
Thanks.
Fuck it.
Rae, where are you going?
I don't want to be here.
What do you mean?
I don't want to be around you.
I've got nothing against the rest of you.
What did you just say?
You're mean.
And you're not a nice person.
You manipulate everybody.
No.
I'll tell you what this is about, Rae!
This isn't about me,
this is about the fact that you can't eat in front of people.
See you later, Chlo.
Later, girls.
Oh, there she is.
Be not afeared, the isle is full of noises.
Sounds and sweet airs that give delight and hurt not.
Why, thank you. Ha-ha.
What are you up to?
Eating chips and drinking beer. My very own patented relaxation method.
I don't know why you hang around with her, Chloe.
She's so horrible to you.
Yeah.
I've never seen you like this before.
I've never seen you take orders off anyone.
Oh, no. What are you doing here?
Chloe, I said we weren't hanging around with her, ever.
I don't care how long you've known her.
I'm sorry, Rae.
Go on, Rae.
Piss off!
Actually, Stacey.
I'm apologising for not doing this sooner.
Doing what sooner?
Telling you to piss off.
I had to gather my evidence first.
What are you talking about?
Well, on Wednesday, you said of Vicky, and I quote,
"She needs to stop putting so much foundation on.
"I know she wants to hide her skin, but it doesn't, it just makes it worse.
"Pretty soon she'll be putting it on with a trowel.
"Someone should say something."
I didn't say that.
On Thursday, you said of Lois, "Lois is so desperate to have a boyfriend,
"she's even started to create fictional problems.
"I find it so sad.
"Do you know, her problem has always been
"that her standards are way too high.
"If she dropped them, then she might have a real-life boyfriend.
"Someone should say something."
I didn't say that, Lois.
On Saturday, you said of Amy... I didn't say anything, Chloe.
You've got no proof of any of this.
Do you know, I thought you might say that.
So I took the liberty of recording everything you said at your birthday.
'Guys, is Amy serious about wearing that trackie top on a night out?
'I mean, I know she's got this whole keeping the street cred thing
'going on, but seriously, she just looks rough.
'Someone should say something.'
Someone is saying something, Stacey.
I'm saying something. Amy...
Don't bother.
I'm saying you're a bitch and it's just come right back
and bit you on the arse.
Right?
Now, piss off.
It turned out Stacey's vulnerability was that she just
wasn't as clever as Chloe.
In the game of bitches, there was only one queen bitch.
But at least Chloe was honest.
Even if it hurt.
Well?
What?
Are you going to do the right thing?
Stay out of it, Rae.
No.
No, I'm not going to stay out of it.
I'm an honest person.
I'm not going to let this happen.
It's none of your business, Rae.
I mean it.
Break-up with her, or else.
Or else what?
Be quiet.
Hiya, boo-boo.
What's going on?
Arch?
Nothing. Tell me.
Archie is gay, Lois.
What?
Archie?
Rae...
Oh, my God.