Come on! It's ten to bloody nine!
All right!
I'll be late for bloody work.
How'd your first week go?
All right.
English isn't bad.
The teacher's called Mr Hodgson.
He swears a little bit, you know,
to try and make himself look cool.
Performance arts is fine.
We play this game
where you have to say
"She stood upon the balcony,
inimitably mimicking him hiccuping
and amicably welcoming him in."
- You have to say it as fast as you can.
- I have to sit next to this kid
called Andrew Johnson,
who smells intensely of garlic.
- You know he told me that he has
a garlic baguette for supper every night.
- Do I look different?
- What do you mean?
- I'm all sweating.
- Did I tell you I'm going
for the change?
- You had mentioned it, yeah.
- Bloody, I love this song.
- Oh, come on.
- Mom!
You can't cry to the Spice Girls!
- Not exactly Girl Power is it?
- Hey, d'you reckon they'd let you and me join?
- Oh yeah, and who would I be?
- Underactive thyroid Spice?
- I could be menopause Spice.
Sometimes, when you're telling a lie,
the more detail you go into,
the more even you start to believe that it might be true.
The bit about the swearing English teacher?
He's based on my uncle Mark,
who thinks
dropping the F-word into every sentence
makes him seem cool
The bit about the performance arts game?
Well it was a tongue twister
I got last Christmas in a cracker.
And the bit about the kid
who eats garlic bread all the time?
That's autobiographical.
The truth is, that I've not been to college
since I set the alarm off.
Missed the whole first week.
The truth is, I'm becoming so good
at talking bollocks
that I'm thinking
of going professional.
- What about Bullshit Spice?
- So, how did you figure out
I wasn't going?
- When a parent asks a child
how school was and they give more
than a one-word answer, suspicious.
- And just the way you were.
- My instincts told me
something wasn't quite right.
- Plus, they rang me,
told me you haven't been coming in.
- I told you last week,
I was having a cigarette.
- Where?
- I didn't set the alarm off.
- You were seen by the fire door.
- What can I tell you?
- I know it was you who did it,
and when I get proof...
- Why would I set the alarm off?
- ... and when I get proof, you're in for it.
- I'm not messing about this time.
- Liam, honestly?
- Mrs Earl?
Time to face the music
- So, Rae, what's going on?
- Why have you been skipping classes?
- Did something happened?
- No. Nothing happened
- Do you remember those conversations we had,
when you were thinking
about applying?
- You said you thought you were ready
for the stresses of college life.
- When someone asks you a question
you give a response.
- 'Called conversation, Rae.
- Yeah, I remember.
- Well maybe this is a sign
that you're not ready.
- There's an argument to be made
for deferring a year.
- No, please, please don't make me do that,
I don't want that.
That way, you can come back
when you're a bit stronger.
- No, please, that's not what I want.
- Well, why don't you tell me
what you do want?
- I want to be treated the same as everyone else.
- Okay, then I'm giving you
a formal warning.
If you break the rules again,
I you misbehave, skip classes,
then we are gonna have to talk seriously
about you deferring.
- Understood?
- Yes.
- And she's sorry, aren't you Rae?
- Yeah.
As Uncle Mark might say,
" Am I fuck fucking sorry?
Fuck the fuck off!"
- There she is.
Where the fuck have you been?
I've been worried about you.
- I thought I was supposed to be
your stereotyped gay best friend.
- Sorry, Chuck.
- Why do you come here, Archie?
- Need the grades to get into Dunham.
- Why do you wanna come here?
- I don't know.
- Wait.
- Are you wearing a rugby top?
- Yeah.
- When did you start smoking?
- Archie! What is going on with you?
- Come on.
- Take a walk with me.
- Surviving in college is all about...
blending in into the background.
- If anyone knows anything
about staying under the radar,
it's uncle Archie.
- You know it's really creepy
when you say that, don't you?
- Noted
- Arch
- Easy Macca.
-Got light?
- Yeah.
- Did you see what Maggie Tolson
was wearing today?
- Well, you could choke a dozen camels on those one.
- I wish I was a dozen camels.
- Nice one yeah?
- Nice one mate.
- Look at me.
- There's only one rule, understand?
- Yeah.
- Stay under the radar.
- Wow. What have you come as????
On the first day, do you remember
that dress I was wearing?
- And I saw that other girl wearing it?
- Well the other day, I saw two girls
in the same dress.
- And one with nearly
the exact same shoes on.
- I'm not taking chances anymore.
- I hate this place.
It's like I'm invisible.
- Oh my god, this is Stacey Stringfellow's gang.
- Who's Stacey Stringfellow?
- Rae, if you're in with them, then you're in.
- In where?
- With the boys. - Which boys?
- The fit boys.
- I've got a boyfriend
- Well I haven't. Hi Stacey!
- Oh my god, she's just completely dumped me.
- I can't even process this.
- He's been looking for you, you know.
College wasn't the only thing
I'd been avoiding.
Because of what happened at the caravan,
I'd stayed away from him.
I didn't wanna be the girl who couldn't get undressed
in front of her boyfriend.
I really missed him, and smelling
his jacket was no substitute whatsoever.
- Finn rang again
- What did you say?
- Well, I didn't know what to say, so I told him you've had
a glandular fever.
- What?
- Well, last time when I said
you'd gone to France, you got a right cob on.
- That is the most stupid thing...
- Yeah, well
maybe we're not all as good
at lying as you are, Rae.
- Just stop avoiding him!
- I'm not avoiding him.
- You've got through your first full day at college, okay,
and I'm proud of you.
- You're not gonna cry, are you?
- You just...
- You can't spend your life
running away form stuff.
- There's a history of that in this family.
My mom was right
about once every three years
But I had a feeling
this was one of those times.
- I was starting to think you'd left the country.
- Or at least Lincolnshire.
- I thought about it.
- Not... Not that I've missed you
or anything.
- No?
- Okay, I might have thought about you once.
- All right, twice.
- I was gonna come down, actually, but
your mom said something about...
- Listen...
- I was just a bit,
out of it.
- And I didn't wanna tell you,
because I didn't wanna drag you into it.
- I don't, I don't mind that you've got stuff.
- Everyone's got stuff, really.
- But...
- All right, lovebirds!
- Where have you been, Raemundo?
- I've been ready to send a sexy search party for you.
Yes Chop, a Foster's mate, a nice one.
- But...?
I'd forgotten
I'd forgotten that there's something in his lips
And no matter how crap my life was,
No matter how much I didn't fit in at college,
No matter what,
When I had his lips, I had his kiss,
and so long as I had that,
I knew everything would be okay.
- My dad is at a conference all week, right?
- So I was thinking, about having
an exclusive sleepover tomorrow night
- How exclusive?
- Well, I was only gonna invite one person.
- Fancy it?
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
Day two of college.
if I could get through the day,
I had Finn waiting for me that night.
But, staying under the radar isn't easy
when you're six foot tall and weigh 16 stone
I had to be...
bland
- This is important
- That is Simmy.
- He's got this almost magical ability
to invent a nickname for someone.
- One that sticks for the rest of that person't life.
- This kid here, he was in Simmy's high school.
In swimming class he got an unfortunate crease in his trunks.
- Simmy called him "Aquabone". It stuck.
- It was five years ago.
- Even his dad calls him it.
- This gal here
- Simmy decided she got a big chin.
- She lost a shoe at the year's disco...
"Chinderella".
- That's...
- That's actually quite clever.
- He's an evil genius.
- So trust me, do not do anythin
extraordinary around him.
Don't look!
Why are you looking?
Oh bollocks, here he comes
Look away. Look away!
Look. away!
- Easy, Arch!
- Hi Simmy!
- Hey, did you see this
Graham Tipping's glasses mate?
- Looks like Elton John.
- I doubt Elton John
sleeps on plastic sheets
in case he pisses the bed, eh mate?
- Yeah !
- Look who it is!
- All right, unicorn balls?
- Unicorn balls, where are you going man?
- So I thought I'd take this time to talk about
the power of positive thinking.
- It's about seeing the good side of things.
- It's about filling your life with things that make you happy.
- Sorry, sorry.
- Put up a chair, Liam.
- I was just about to ask the group if they could think of things
that make them happy.
- Oh! I'll go first.
- Okay.
- Every day I go to Sixth Form college
It's shit.
- It's like being a social experiment,
where they keep a load of people in the same building
and the only thing they all have in common is their age.
- And because of this, it's populated by
people trying to fit in.
- The teachers push an ideal of us.
- "To excell here or be a failure in life,
learn this 15th century poem
and hypothesize on the significance of the French revolution,
or... Be worthless in society."
- I feel hatred towards the whole thing.
- And when I feel that hatred,
I feel happy.
- 'Cause I realize it, that's not me.
- They're not me, and they never will be.
- It makes me fucking delirious!
- Il like it on Wednesdays, when the cantine serves
the dessert with jelly and custard.
- Oh, yes!
- That trayful thing.
- Oh yeah.
- Hi ya
- All right?
- I liked your speech.
- I hate college as well.
- I, I just wanted to say... about the other day,
when I set the alarm off,
it was an accident.
- I didn't see anything.
- You're not gonna say anything are you?
- It's just, I'm on a warning at college...
- I didn't see anything.
That's Finn Nelson.
- Yeah?
- He is the fittest lad in college.
- I'd honestly let him do anything to me.
- You'd let anyone do anything to you.
- Fuck off!
- The best part is that he's single.
- He's not single.
- What? Who is he going out with?
- Some lucky bitch.
- It doesn't matter anyway,
he wouldn't even talk to girls like us.
This si impossible
How am I supposed to stay under the radar
when everyone at college knows who Finn is?
He's the fittest lad in college.
And I'm... I'm...
- Chloe...
- How weird is it, that I'm going out with Finn?
- You know...
- No, be honest.
- Right, okay. Out of ten,
how attractive would you say you were?
- One
- Don't be stupid!
- You're reasonably a four.
- Thanks!
- No I mean...
- I mean like a four at worst.
- You know, when you're hungover
and you ??? and stuff
- Right.
- Fine, Rate Finn out of ten.
- Eleven.
- Exactly. That isn't even possible.
- Even Emma Coghill's sister fancies him and she's like 24.
- And she's been with footballers.
- So, why does he like me?
- I don't know. Maybe you're his type,
or something.
- What type would that be?
- Curvacious.
- Great!
- And let's be honest
if he likes big boobs,
then he struck gold.
- They are cripplingly large.
Anyway, I'm stopping at his tonight so..
It's about to get happen.
- I thought it happened at camping.
- Oh no. No, we didn't...
erm... Because...
- Did he drink too much?
- Yeah.
- You know what, I hate that.
- Yeah.
- Listen, your first time is always gonna be the scariest.
- Just, make sure he doesn't drink too much and you'll be fine!
- But...
- Rae! For the past four weeks or so we've talked about sex.
- Right? Noises, positions, worst and best case scenarios.
Handjobs techniques, blowjob techniques,
- How sensitive men's nipples are.
- Balls's skin, porn, anal, even, even strap-ons!
- There's nothing else to talk about, right? Just...
- Let him whack it in you!
- Right?
- Right.
- Oh my god, she's here!
- What the fuck?!
- I told you I was thinking about doing a photoshoot.
- And then we talked for like, erm, ninety hours?
- And then you agreed it was a bad idea.
- I know.
- Why do underwear shots?
- Well I wanted to put it on my modeling portfolio.
- Oh my God, Rae! Everybody's staring at me.
- Right.
- Where are the originals? And the negatives?
- I don't know.
- No I took them to Lisa Goulding's party and I haven't seen them since.
- Did you show anyone at the party?
- I got really drunk and I showed them to Barney.
- No, but there was over 50 people there,
and I didn't know half of them. It could be anyone.
- Rae, we really need to find out who's got the photos
before they print off any new ones.
- What other ones?
- Oh my god, Chloe! Why would you do that?
- I wanted to keep the glamour door open.
Glamour door? You're 16.
There is no door.
- Well have you never not wanted pictures taken when you look amazing?
- Right? When your hair's done, and you're make up, and the lighting
and you look sexy?
- Right? You feel sexy.
No?
Please, Rae.
You mess with her,
you mess with me
Poor Chloe
College is utterly barbaric.
At least I'd made it through the day under the radar,
and now I had Finn all to myself.
I was starting to think that me and him
Only made sense when no one else was around
I still didn't know why he liked me,
but maybe Chloe had it spot on.
Maybe I was his type.
Now, all I needed was a bit of courage.
Courage in any form.
- You want it tonight, girl?
- No, I just fancied a drink.
- Want some?
- No, I'm fine.
- Cheers, my dear.
- Cheers.
You can do this.
The first time is the scariest. Man up!
- Where is this one?
- Um, that is Butlins and Skegness.
- I think I was five.
- Is that your mom?
- That's her, yeah.
- She's pretty.
- Yeah.
- Do you miss her?
- Yeah.
- Who is this?
- Oh God! That's Stacey Stringfellow.
- She goes to college.
- Right, so, why have you got this?
- We used to go out.
- I told you it's been ages since someone looked at these.
- I'll throw that one out.
- No. It's no big deal.
- Everyone's got exes.
- Have a drink.
- No, I'm fine, seriously.
Just relax, just relax, just relax.
He wants this
You want this.
- Right, I'm pouring you one.
- Oh... Really?
- Cheers, my dear.
- No, no, no more.
- Just one more.
- Cheers, my dear.
- Yep. Cheers, my dear.
- I'm gonna... urm... I think I'm...
- I'm gonna have to go to the bathroom.
- I had a freak out
- I accidentally set an alarm off.
- You're not gonna tell anyone, are you?
- They'll kick me out.
- Kester, promise me.
- Of course, I won't.
- What were you doing, at the time?
- Tell me about that.
- Hum... I was just walking down the corridor.
- Alone?
- Yeah.
- No, I was... I was with Finn
- Your boyfriend?
- Yeah.
- I don't get why he likes me.
- I'm not even his type.
- His ex was so tiny and beautiful.
- It's embarassing to be next to him.
- I'm embarassed for him.
- So do you think, you can't believe
he likes you because you can't find
anything to like about yourself?
- That's what we're trying to fix.
- Well that takes ages.
- I need a short term solution.
- This is therapy, there are no short term solutions.
- Fine. Short term, you've got three options.
- One, you start facing those things you're afraid of.
- Stop caring about what other people think, start to like yourself.
- Option two, you could leave college.
- Nope, I can't do that. What's option three?
- Leave Finn.
- I guess I'll just try option one then.
- Yeah.
As always, Kester was annoyingly right.
The only real option was to face my fears.
I had to be around Finn in college,
not just to help my anxieties, but also
because a circle of vultures was gathering over his head.
Do it. Just kiss him. Fuck it.
- Just, just kiss him. Ok.
- Are you Rae?
- Yeah.
- There's a rumor going round about you.
- What?
- Are you going out with someone?
- No.
- Told you.
I can't do it.
I can't be near him at college.
The vultures can circle.
I'd rather hide than be eaten alive.
I'd still be his girlfriend,
just part time.
- Do you have any idea who's got them?
- No. Everyone's been really nice about it.
- I've actually been asked out by a few of the lads.
- Seriously?
- I know. It's so inappropriate, but...
but that's lads for you I guess.
- Hey, Chlo.
- Hey Stacey. Was it a good game?
- Oh! Brutal.
- So I'll see you later still?
- Yeah, definitely.
- What just happened?
- Well the girls have actually been really supportive.
- Stacey even asked if I wanted to go for a bite to eat after college.
- How nice is that?
- I don't know, I'm just hoping whoever's got the pictures will stop.
- It will all go away anyway, so...
- Why would it all go away?
- We need to find out who it is.
- Or at least tell a teacher.
- Just drop it Rae, 'cause I don't wanna talk about it, ok?
- Ok?
- Good afternoon.
- Is it?
- Listen, Rae. I need to talk to you about something.
- Big news, yeah?
- I'm going through the change.
- Oh, God.
- And I'm thinking of getting some work done.
- What work?
- Cosmetic surgery.
- Are you actually insane?
- How can we even afford that?
- You know last week, you said that I could only throw a teabag away
after it had made three cups of tea.
- So all week, I've been trying to save you money
by drinking tea that looks and tastes like ass piss,
and now, you wanna go and throw away thousands of pounds
- No bloody way, mom.
- Don't cry.
- You were doing so well.
- I do.
- I just want... I just want Karim to be attracted to me.
- I'm punching well above my weight with him, Rae.
- It's not just that he's handsome either, or that he's got this firm little body on him.
- He is sensational in bed.
- He attends to my every need.
- And I feel like I've been taken by a man, possessed...
- Yeah I get it!
- He's hot. You like him.
- When we're at the club, I feel people must look at us and think...
How the bloody hell did that happen?
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah
- Do you want a brew?
- Rae.
Use one teabag per cup.
So maybe I wasn't ready
to be around Finn in college,
but I had to see him outside.
Or what was the point?
and that meant,
taking my clothes off.
But the truth was,
that I was astounded by people who could be naked.
Not just in front of others,
but in front of themselves.
If I couldn't do that,
How could I ever do it in front of someone else?
The problem is, that being naked leaves you nowhere to hide.
- I just don't get it.
- Oh fuck.
- Rae! Hi!
- Oh, hey ya!
- Where have you been?
- About.
- Finn... I've gotta go.
- What?
- Stop. Look. What are you doing?
- Can we not do this here, Finn?
- Do what?
"OUT OF ORDER"
- Why are you being a dickhead?
- Don't call me a dickhead.
- You've been ignoring me, deny it.
- What? Is it...
- Is it cause of the other night?
- I know I got a bit drunk,
but you were giving me drinks all the time!
- I'm sorry.
- It's not that.
- Then what is it?
- I just don't get it.
- You don't get what?
- You're an 11, and I'm a 4.
- I've got no idea what you're talking about.
- You should be going out with people like Stacey,
not someone like me.
- Most people, when they see us, must be thinking:
"Oh he must be mad, going out with that."
- That what?
- THAT WHAT?
- You don't tell me who I can and can't fancy all right?
- That is mine,
- That belongs to me, no one else, no one, not even you.
- So why do you like me?
- Because I do, that's it!
- But why?
- Because I want you to stop being a dickhead.
- Stop calling me a dickhead! You're the dickhead...
- I'm not a dickhead.
- You're a dickhead.
- Come on.
- Oh... shit!
- Oh no... shit! It's jammed.
- Oh my God.
- No, no no no no! Don't do that!
- Then they'll find out that we were in here, together.
- They'll think we've been fucking.
- Why would we fuck in the disabled toilet?
- Because there's more room in here than in a normal toilet!
- It's even got these little handle things!
- Well, right. Wh- what do you suggest?
- OK. Have you got one of those mobile telephones?
- No, of course I'm not, I'm not a millionaire!
- We'll just yell to get help from somebody!
- Hello?
- No, this cannot be happening.
- Hello? Hey, maybe, c-can you get some help for us,
we're stuck in here.
- Oh my God.
- This is not happening!
- Can you just go and get help from others please?
- Shit.
- Rae, sit down.
- I've got big news.
- I'm...
- You're going through the change.
- I get it. But you need to accept it,
and just move on.
- No, not going through the change.
- All my emotional ups and downs...
- We're pregnant!
- What?
- We're pregnant!
- I am pregnant!
- What?
- Five sodding months pregnant!
- Five months?
- I feel radiant.
- I feel better than I've ever felt!
- And I thought I was past it,
I'm in my prime, aren't I baby?
- Say something.
- It's brilliant.
- Congratulations.
- I'm gonna cry.
- Can I cry?
- Yeah, I... I think you're allowed to cry.
- Gentlemen, this may be the finest day in our lives.
It may also be the last.
I didn't even wanna think about facing college the next day.
- Some say that bravery is merely foolishness by another name.
Gentlemen, we're about to find out which is true.
It's been an honor, serving with every single one of you.
Captain, the pleasure is ours.
Chin chin, gentlemen.
Chin chin!
But maybe I just had to be brave.
Face my fears.
Like Kester pointed it out,
It wasn't like I had any other options.
- Apparently, they looked like they were fucking.
- Kirsty Fairclough said she could smell it on them when they came out.
- In the disabled toilet? Finn Nelson?
- Yeah, and this girl called Rae Earl.
- And they just go in (?) for it.
- Bollock naked.
- Honestly, mate!
- Well, who was the girl then?
- Rae Earl. Fat girl, first year.
- What?
- The magic fanny.
- Alright, Paul Daniels?
- What?
- Where's Debbie Mcgee?
- Why Paul Daniels?
- Allow me to explain.
- Finn went out with Stacey Stringfellow, for fuck's sake.
- There's only one possible explanation.
- Rae Earl has a magic fanny.
- What's a magic fanny?
- It's when you see good-looking lads with ??? girls
- They've got magic fannies.
And Rae Earl has the fucking Paul Daniels of magic fannies, mates.
I am telling you that.
- Rae!
Put your hands on something flat.
Put your hands on something flat!
- You alright babe?
- Alright.
- Well what happened?
- Are they kicking you out?
- I just can't handle it.
- What, college?
- Rae, you mean college, right?
- Is everyone talking about it?
- Well they'll get over it.
- Are you seeing Finn tonight?
- That's exciting.
- I was thinking,
- about the photos.
It's easy to be brave,
and it's easy to be confident, if you look good,
if you feel sexy,
and if you fit in.
But that's not the world I live in.
And it's not just that people stare
and call me names.
that I can't fit in when we're together.
It's that I'd rather break up with the man of my dreams
than take my clothes off in front of him.
Than let him touch me.
Than let him soak me up like I do him.
So Kester might think I'm running away.
but he gave me the options.
And, in a way,
I am facing my fears.
I am doing the thing
I'm most afraid of.
And that, dear diary,
is how I messed everything up.
I suppose I sorted one thing out though.
I knew where I felt most normal.
I knew where I found the easiest to fit in.
I've been waiting for you to visit.
Can we talk for a bit?
You don't have to.
- I'd like that.
- Alright, alarm girl?
- Alright, therapy Liam.
- You look like you could do with a drink.