1
00:00:01,012 --> 00:00:03,647
ALL RIGHT, I BRUSHED,
FLOSSED, IRRIGATED,

2
00:00:03,647 --> 00:00:06,516
PUT ON MY ECZEMA CREAM,
AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM TWICE,

3
00:00:06,516 --> 00:00:09,286
SO I AM GOOD TO GO.

4
00:00:09,286 --> 00:00:12,322
ALL I NEED IS
BETWEEN 3 AND 18 MINUTES.

5
00:00:12,322 --> 00:00:14,758
WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME,
YOU THINK OF A MOM, RIGHT?

6
00:00:14,758 --> 00:00:16,159
NOW I'M GONNA NEED...

7
00:00:16,159 --> 00:00:17,761
20 TO 25.

8
00:00:17,761 --> 00:00:21,197
IT'S JUST, YOU KNOW, THIS SUNDAY
IS MY FIRST MOTHER'S DAY,

9
00:00:21,197 --> 00:00:23,633
AND I KNOW THAT
THE KIDS ARE SPENDING IT
WITH JACKIE AND DIANE,

10
00:00:23,633 --> 00:00:26,303
BUT I'M A MOM NOW,
TOO, RIGHT?

11
00:00:26,303 --> 00:00:27,237
ABSOLUTELY.

12
00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:28,471
MM. YOU'RE SWEET.

13
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,107
COME HERE.

14
00:00:34,578 --> 00:00:35,645
OH, MY GOD!

15
00:00:35,645 --> 00:00:37,380
I DON'T MIND
IF YOU FAKE AN ORGASM,

16
00:00:37,380 --> 00:00:39,049
BUT AT LEAST
TRY TO SELL IT.

17
00:00:39,049 --> 00:00:39,683
NO.

18
00:00:40,491 --> 00:00:41,665
AN OIL LINE BURST

19
00:00:41,665 --> 00:00:43,901
NEAR THE GALÁPAGOS ISLANDS
EARLIER TODAY,

20
00:00:43,901 --> 00:00:47,037
THREATENING TO DESTROY
ITS DELICATE MARINE ECOSYSTEM.

21
00:00:47,037 --> 00:00:49,006
IS THAT OIL COMPANY
ONE OF YOUR CLIENTS?

22
00:00:49,006 --> 00:00:50,908
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
THE SPILL IS THREATENING
HUNDREDS, IF NOT THOUSANDS...

23
00:00:50,908 --> 00:00:52,709
PLEASE BE TELEMARKETERS.

24
00:00:52,709 --> 00:00:54,711
OH, GREAT. WORK.

25
00:00:54,711 --> 00:00:56,847
HELLO?

26
00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:58,282
[ SIGHS ] CRAP.

27
00:00:58,282 --> 00:01:00,651
LET'S START
A COUNTERNARRATIVE.

28
00:01:00,651 --> 00:01:02,252
UH, THE CLEANUP'S
GONNA TAKE MONTHS.

29
00:01:02,252 --> 00:01:04,288
LET'S GO WITH
A PRO-JOBS ANGLE.

30
00:01:04,288 --> 00:01:05,722
YEAH. OKAY. BYE.

31
00:01:05,722 --> 00:01:07,157
LOOK, I'M GONNA
HAVE TO START A WAR ROOM.

32
00:01:07,157 --> 00:01:09,059
IT'S GONNA TAKE ALL WEEKEND.
I'LL MAKE THIS UP TO YOU.

33
00:01:09,059 --> 00:01:10,928
OH, YOU MEAN SEX.

34
00:01:10,928 --> 00:01:13,063
DON'T SAY IT LIKE THAT.

35
00:01:13,063 --> 00:01:14,598
I HEARD ABOUT
THAT OIL SPILL.

36
00:01:14,598 --> 00:01:15,999
I HOPE YOU'RE NOT
REPRESENTING THEM.

37
00:01:15,999 --> 00:01:18,902
HILLARY, THIS, UH, CLEANUP
IS GONNA TAKE MONTHS.

38
00:01:18,902 --> 00:01:21,171
IT'S GONNA CREATE
THOUSANDS OF JOBS.

39
00:01:21,171 --> 00:01:22,773
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
USE THAT, ARE YOU?

40
00:01:22,773 --> 00:01:25,242
NO. NO.
I'M JUST...TESTING IT OUT.

41
00:01:25,242 --> 00:01:27,311
OH, THOSE PELICANS
ARE COUGHING UP OIL.

42
00:01:27,311 --> 00:01:29,313
OIL IS
A TOTALLY ORGANIC SUBSTANCE.

43
00:01:32,616 --> 00:01:35,619
♪♪♪

44
00:01:42,259 --> 00:01:44,828
HEY, UH, I'D LIKE
TO MAKE A RESERVATION

45
00:01:44,828 --> 00:01:46,263
FOR YOUR MOTHER'S DAY
BRUNCH.

46
00:01:46,263 --> 00:01:47,931
FOR HOW MANY?
TABLE FOR ONE.

47
00:01:47,931 --> 00:01:49,366
OH, THAT'S SO SAD.
OH, COME ON.

48
00:01:49,366 --> 00:01:51,835
I'M SURE IT'S NOT THE SADDEST
THING YOU'VE EVER HEARD.

49
00:01:51,835 --> 00:01:52,769
I MEAN, YOU WORK AT THE --

50
00:01:52,769 --> 00:01:54,338
IT IS.
IT REALLY IS.

51
00:01:54,338 --> 00:01:55,839
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

52
00:01:55,839 --> 00:01:58,742
THE JOKE'S ON YOU,
BECAUSE THIS IS MICHELLE OBAMA.

53
00:01:58,742 --> 00:02:00,844
[ TELEPHONE BEEPS ]

54
00:02:00,844 --> 00:02:02,179
OH. HEY, GUYS.

55
00:02:02,179 --> 00:02:03,013
HEY.

56
00:02:03,013 --> 00:02:03,880
WHAT'S IN THE BAGS?

57
00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:04,848
WHAT BAGS?

58
00:02:04,848 --> 00:02:06,850
WE DON'T HAVE BAGS.

59
00:02:06,850 --> 00:02:08,885
YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M GONNA
GO STUDY. SO DON'T COME IN.

60
00:02:08,885 --> 00:02:10,821
AND, KATE, WHERE DO YOU KEEP
THE WRAPPING PAPER?

61
00:02:10,821 --> 00:02:12,889
UH, NO REASON. I JUST
WAS ASKING FOR A FRIEND.

62
00:02:12,889 --> 00:02:14,891
OUR FRIEND ALSO NEEDS
TAPE AND SCISSORS, TOO.

63
00:02:14,891 --> 00:02:15,926
HALL CLOSET.

64
00:02:17,294 --> 00:02:19,263
THERE IS NOTHING CUTER

65
00:02:19,263 --> 00:02:21,898
THAN KIDS TRYING TO HIDE
MOTHER'S DAY PRESENTS.

66
00:02:21,898 --> 00:02:22,899
EXCEPT ME
MAKING THIS FACE.

67
00:02:22,899 --> 00:02:24,768
BOO.
MM.

68
00:02:24,768 --> 00:02:28,038
ANYWAY, K-HOLE,
D-BAG AND I WERE TALKING,

69
00:02:28,038 --> 00:02:30,607
AND SEEING AS TOMORROW
IS YOUR FIRST MOTHER'S DAY...

70
00:02:30,607 --> 00:02:33,677
THERE IS NO GREATER GIFT
THAT WE COULD GIVE TO YOU

71
00:02:33,677 --> 00:02:35,979
THAN TO LET YOU SPEND
MOTHER'S DAY WITH THE KIDS.

72
00:02:35,979 --> 00:02:37,614
SERIOUSLY?

73
00:02:37,614 --> 00:02:38,849
YEAH.
MM-HMM.

74
00:02:38,849 --> 00:02:40,717
YOU WOULD GIVE
YOUR MOTHER'S DAY TO ME?

75
00:02:40,717 --> 00:02:41,685
YES.
YOU DESERVE IT.

76
00:02:41,685 --> 00:02:42,919
AND IT DIDN'T COST US
ANYTHING.

77
00:02:42,919 --> 00:02:45,922
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE
ACKNOWLEDGING ME AS A MOM.

78
00:02:45,922 --> 00:02:47,090
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
I THOUGHT,

79
00:02:47,090 --> 00:02:49,826
"THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL
I AM LEAVING MY CHILDREN

80
00:02:49,826 --> 00:02:52,829
WITH THIS VAPID,
GOLD-DIGGING ALCOHOLIC,"

81
00:02:52,829 --> 00:02:55,232
BUT OVER THE COURSE OF THE YEAR,
I'VE COME TO SEE

82
00:02:55,232 --> 00:02:57,868
THAT THOUGH YOU ENJOY
A COCKTAIL,

83
00:02:57,868 --> 00:03:01,071
YOU DON'T NEED
A COCKTAIL.

84
00:03:01,071 --> 00:03:02,606
NO. [ CHUCKLES ]
DON'T.

85
00:03:02,606 --> 00:03:05,275
AND WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,
I WAS LIKE,

86
00:03:05,275 --> 00:03:08,345
"WOW. BLOND JACKIE.
REAL ORIGINAL, PETE!"

87
00:03:08,345 --> 00:03:09,746
NOW I COME TO REALIZE

88
00:03:09,746 --> 00:03:12,649
THAT THERE'S A LOT MORE
TO YOU THAN JUST ME.

89
00:03:12,649 --> 00:03:14,351
GOD, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

90
00:03:14,351 --> 00:03:17,321
I DON'T EVEN KNOW, UH,
WHAT TO -- YOU KNOW --

91
00:03:17,321 --> 00:03:18,655
WHAT'S THE WORD?

92
00:03:18,655 --> 00:03:19,823
I MEAN, IT'S JUST --

93
00:03:19,823 --> 00:03:21,725
I-I-I'M LIKE...

94
00:03:21,725 --> 00:03:22,759
AAH! YOU KNOW?

95
00:03:22,759 --> 00:03:24,361
AWW.
A VERITABLE THESAURUS.

96
00:03:24,361 --> 00:03:25,762
JUST --

97
00:03:25,762 --> 00:03:27,197
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU THINK
OF THE WORD, TEXT US.

98
00:03:27,197 --> 00:03:29,066
OKAY.
OKAY?

99
00:03:29,066 --> 00:03:29,966
OKAY.

100
00:03:31,034 --> 00:03:31,902
[ SIGHS ]

101
00:03:31,902 --> 00:03:33,804
FOR A PRICE,
I'VE GOT A GUY

102
00:03:33,804 --> 00:03:36,139
WHO CAN WRITE UP
A PRETTY BELIEVABLE STUDY,

103
00:03:36,139 --> 00:03:37,307
SO WHAT DO WE WANT IT
TO SAY?

104
00:03:37,307 --> 00:03:40,210
YOU KNOW, "SEALS DO MORE HARM
THAN GOOD"?

105
00:03:40,210 --> 00:03:43,146
UM..."PENGUINS --
NATURE'S SILENT KILLER"?

106
00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:44,114
I DON'T KNOW.
TALK TO ME.

107
00:03:44,114 --> 00:03:45,916
ROGER, YEAH?
WHAT DO YOU GOT?

108
00:03:45,916 --> 00:03:47,784
WHERE ARE THE PICKLES?
I DON'T SEE ANY PICKLES.

109
00:03:47,784 --> 00:03:49,653
LET'S JUST SAY
IT WAS THE TURTLE'S FAULT.

110
00:03:49,653 --> 00:03:50,754
I LIKE IT.
I WAS KIDDING.

111
00:03:50,754 --> 00:03:52,255
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET'S TAKE FIVE.

112
00:03:52,255 --> 00:03:53,890
LET'S FOCUS
ON THE SANDWICHES.

113
00:03:53,890 --> 00:03:56,593
THEN WE'LL COME BACK
AND HIT THIS THING HARD, OKAY?

114
00:03:56,593 --> 00:03:58,195
HEY, PETE,
CAN I GET YOUR ADVICE?

115
00:03:58,195 --> 00:03:59,763
I'M TRYING
TO FIGURE OUT

116
00:03:59,763 --> 00:04:02,833
WHAT KIND OF PANTY
TO GET JACKIE FOR MOTHER'S DAY.

117
00:04:02,833 --> 00:04:04,101
H.R. WAS
SUPPOSED TO TALK TO YOU

118
00:04:04,101 --> 00:04:06,103
ABOUT TALKING TO ME
ABOUT MY EX-WIFE'S PANTIES.

119
00:04:06,103 --> 00:04:08,038
RIGHT. TOTALLY.
EDIBLE.

120
00:04:09,639 --> 00:04:10,941
THIS IS A DISASTER.

121
00:04:10,941 --> 00:04:12,142
YEP. [ SIGHS ]

122
00:04:12,142 --> 00:04:14,177
WHO DOESN'T PUT PICKLES
ON A DELI PLATTER?

123
00:04:14,177 --> 00:04:16,947
AH. IT'S BEEN A TOUGH DAY
FOR ALL OF US.

124
00:04:16,947 --> 00:04:18,715
SEND AN INTERN OUT
TO GET PICKLES.

125
00:04:18,715 --> 00:04:19,950
MAN: I'M ON IT.

126
00:04:19,950 --> 00:04:22,386
PETE, I THINK YOU'RE READY
TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP.

127
00:04:22,386 --> 00:04:24,187
I'D LIKE YOU TO BE
LEAD COUNSEL HERE.

128
00:04:24,187 --> 00:04:26,356
WOW. THAT'S --
THAT'S INCREDIBLY GENEROUS.

129
00:04:26,356 --> 00:04:27,891
YOU'VE EARNED IT.

130
00:04:27,891 --> 00:04:30,327
YOU KNOW, WHEN PEOPLE THINK
OF THIS HORRIFIC DISASTER,

131
00:04:30,327 --> 00:04:31,962
THEY'LL THINK OF YOU.

132
00:04:31,962 --> 00:04:33,663
YOU'RE DOING A BUNCH OF
CABLE-NEWS INTERVIEWS TOMORROW.

133
00:04:33,663 --> 00:04:34,931
COULD GET UGLY.

134
00:04:34,931 --> 00:04:37,100
SO YOU WANT ME TO GO OUT THERE
AND TAKE THE BULLET?

135
00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:38,835
LIKE THE BRAVE BOYS
AT OMAHA BEACH.

136
00:04:38,835 --> 00:04:39,970
YEAH.

137
00:04:39,970 --> 00:04:41,772
PROBABLY SHOULDN'T
MENTION BEACHES.

138
00:04:41,772 --> 00:04:43,673
MM.

139
00:04:43,673 --> 00:04:44,941
I GOT A TEE TIME.

140
00:04:49,813 --> 00:04:51,114
HEY, GUYS.
BERT: HEY.

141
00:04:51,114 --> 00:04:52,983
YOUR MOMS GAVE ME
AN AWESOME GIFT --

142
00:04:52,983 --> 00:04:55,819
THE OPPORTUNITY TO SPEND A DAY
WITH YOU ON MOTHER'S DAY --

143
00:04:55,819 --> 00:04:58,889
AND I THINK THAT YOU GUYS SHOULD
GIVE THEM EQUALLY AWESOME GIFTS.

144
00:04:58,889 --> 00:05:01,625
SEEMS LIKE YOU SHOULD GET THEM
AN AWESOME GIFT.

145
00:05:01,625 --> 00:05:03,026
OR...
MM-HMM?

146
00:05:03,026 --> 00:05:05,762
...I CAN HELP YOU GUYS
GET THEM GIFTS THAT

147
00:05:05,762 --> 00:05:08,932
RECOGNIZE WHAT WONDERFUL MOTHERS
AND UNIQUE WOMEN THEY ARE.

148
00:05:08,932 --> 00:05:11,601
OH.
YEAH? YEAH.
LET'S BRAINSTORM.

149
00:05:11,601 --> 00:05:12,936
JACKIE FIRST.

150
00:05:12,936 --> 00:05:13,804
BOX WINE?

151
00:05:13,804 --> 00:05:14,871
NO. COME ON.

152
00:05:14,871 --> 00:05:16,706
THINK OF WHAT SHE LIKES,
WHAT SHE'S INTO.

153
00:05:16,706 --> 00:05:17,874
BOXED WINE.

154
00:05:18,875 --> 00:05:20,944
AM I SAYING IT WRONG?
BOXED WINE?

155
00:05:20,944 --> 00:05:23,613
LET'S THINK OF SOMETHING
THAT'S NOT SO SAD.

156
00:05:23,613 --> 00:05:25,182
[ GASPS ]
OOH! PAINT!

157
00:05:25,182 --> 00:05:26,316
SEEDS. BEADS.

158
00:05:26,316 --> 00:05:27,717
NOPE -- SEEDS.

159
00:05:27,717 --> 00:05:30,754
YEAH. THAT'S BETTER.
THAT'S BETTER.

160
00:05:30,754 --> 00:05:33,590
BUT I WANT SOMETHING
THAT'S GONNA BLOW HER MIND.

161
00:05:33,590 --> 00:05:35,091
OOH! MY MOM HAS ALWAYS
WANTED A CHICKEN.

162
00:05:35,091 --> 00:05:38,195
SHE LIKES FRESH EGGS AND BIRDS
THAT TRY TO FLY BUT CAN'T.

163
00:05:38,195 --> 00:05:39,329
LET'S DO IT.

164
00:05:39,329 --> 00:05:40,330
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]

165
00:05:40,330 --> 00:05:41,765
SIRI, WHERE CAN
I GET A CHICKEN?

166
00:05:41,765 --> 00:05:43,834
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
CALLING KEVIN.

167
00:05:43,834 --> 00:05:44,868
[ GROANS ]

168
00:05:47,904 --> 00:05:49,840
MAN:
WELL, THERE'S A LOT OF THINGS
PEOPLE DON'T KNOW

169
00:05:49,840 --> 00:05:51,241
WHEN THEY BUY
THEIR FIRST CHICKEN.

170
00:05:51,241 --> 00:05:52,943
THERE'S A WIDE VARIETY
OF DOMESTICATED SPECIES

171
00:05:52,943 --> 00:05:54,077
TO CHOOSE FROM.

172
00:05:54,077 --> 00:05:56,847
YOU GOT YOUR CORNISH,
YOUR JERSEY GIANT,

173
00:05:56,847 --> 00:05:58,114
UH, DORKING...

174
00:05:58,114 --> 00:05:59,950
I'LL TAKE THAT ONE.
PERFECT.

175
00:05:59,950 --> 00:06:01,051
THEY'RE VERY SWEET.
GOOD.

176
00:06:01,051 --> 00:06:02,185
BIG POOPERS,
SO THAT'S GOOD.

177
00:06:02,185 --> 00:06:03,854
THEY'RE OVER THERE
SOMEWHERE.

178
00:06:03,854 --> 00:06:05,121
OKAY.

179
00:06:05,121 --> 00:06:07,357
I HAVEN'T LEARNED TO RECOGNIZE
THE DIFFERENCES YET.

180
00:06:07,357 --> 00:06:09,793
WE SHOULD GET MOM
A COW.

181
00:06:09,793 --> 00:06:12,195
FRESH HAMBURGERS
WHENEVER WE'D LIKE.

182
00:06:12,195 --> 00:06:14,097
WARREN, WE'RE GETTING MOM
WHAT SHE'D WANT,

183
00:06:14,097 --> 00:06:15,232
NOT WHAT YOU'D WANT.

184
00:06:15,232 --> 00:06:16,733
OKAY, BUT REMEMBER THAT
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

185
00:06:16,733 --> 00:06:17,901
WHAT DOES SHE LIKE?

186
00:06:17,901 --> 00:06:19,102
YELLING AT WAITERS.

187
00:06:19,102 --> 00:06:20,837
YEAH, BUT THAT'S
HOW SHE HELPS THEM

188
00:06:20,837 --> 00:06:22,172
GET BETTER
AT THEIR JOBS.

189
00:06:22,172 --> 00:06:23,306
WHAT ELSE?

190
00:06:23,306 --> 00:06:26,142
FLEMISH MASTERPIECES
OF THE 17TH CENTURY.

191
00:06:26,142 --> 00:06:27,811
GREAT! HOW MUCH
DO ONE OF THOSE COST?

192
00:06:27,811 --> 00:06:29,379
WOW. WOW.
I'M HOLDING A CHICKEN.

193
00:06:29,379 --> 00:06:30,881
THIS IS GROSSER
THAN I THOUGHT.

194
00:06:30,881 --> 00:06:32,916
HERE -- BERT,
TAKE YOUR CHICKEN.
HELL NO!

195
00:06:32,916 --> 00:06:34,718
GOOD NEWS. WE FIGURED OUT
WHAT MOM WANTS.
OH.

196
00:06:34,718 --> 00:06:37,387
HEY, UH, QUESTION --
DO YOU HAVE $4 MILLION?

197
00:06:37,387 --> 00:06:39,723
DO YOU TAKE BITCOIN?
[ CHUCKLES ]

198
00:06:39,723 --> 00:06:41,858
KIDDING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT IS.

199
00:06:41,858 --> 00:06:43,894
THE PAINTING'S A STILL LIFE.
WE COULD RE-CREATE IT.

200
00:06:43,894 --> 00:06:44,928
HERE YOU GO.

201
00:06:44,928 --> 00:06:45,795
OH. GREAT.

202
00:06:45,795 --> 00:06:47,197
YEAH, I MEAN,
ALL WE NEED

203
00:06:47,197 --> 00:06:49,766
IS A VASE AND SOME FLOWERS
AND BURNT-UP CANDLE

204
00:06:49,766 --> 00:06:52,736
AND A-A PIPE, A STATUE,
A SEASHELL, A WINEGLASS,

205
00:06:52,736 --> 00:06:54,371
YEP.
SOME ANTIQUE COINS,
A WREATH,

206
00:06:54,371 --> 00:06:56,740
AN HOURGLASS,
AND A HUMAN SKULL.

207
00:06:56,740 --> 00:06:58,008
YEP. [ SIGHS ]
YEP.

208
00:06:58,008 --> 00:06:59,910
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, LET'S SPLIT UP.

209
00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:02,145
YOU KIDS GO TO THE MALL,
AND I'LL GO ROB A GRAVE.

210
00:07:02,145 --> 00:07:03,380
AWESOME. LET'S GO.
PERFECT! GREAT!

211
00:07:03,380 --> 00:07:04,681
UH...
BERT: BYE.

212
00:07:04,681 --> 00:07:06,216
GRAVES ARE,
UH, THIS WAY.

213
00:07:06,216 --> 00:07:08,718
AND DID YOU KNOW
THAT CHICKENS ONLY HAVE ONE HOLE

214
00:07:08,718 --> 00:07:10,220
FOR ALL
THEIR DOWNSTAIRS BUSINESS?

215
00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,155
STEVE, GET RID
OF THE EGG SALAD.

216
00:07:12,155 --> 00:07:14,824
THAT IS NOT MY JOB,
PETE.

217
00:07:14,824 --> 00:07:17,761
I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE A LOT,
BUT I THINK JACKIE AND DIANE

218
00:07:17,761 --> 00:07:18,929
ARE GONNA LOVE THESE GIFTS.

219
00:07:18,929 --> 00:07:20,330
AND, YOU KNOW,
I REALLY WANT TO DO THIS

220
00:07:20,330 --> 00:07:22,699
BECAUSE THEY FINALLY SAID
HOW MUCH THEY APPRECIATE ME,

221
00:07:22,699 --> 00:07:24,968
AND I JUST WANT TO SHOW THEM
HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THEM.

222
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:25,802
UH-HUH.

223
00:07:25,802 --> 00:07:26,970
[ SPITS ]

224
00:07:26,970 --> 00:07:28,705
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

225
00:07:28,705 --> 00:07:30,340
YEAH. I-I LOVE
WHAT YOU JUST SAID.

226
00:07:30,340 --> 00:07:31,908
YEAH?
WHAT DID I SAY?

227
00:07:31,908 --> 00:07:32,876
YEAH, EXACTLY.

228
00:07:32,876 --> 00:07:34,811
LISTEN, HONEY,
I GOT TO GO. OKAY?

229
00:07:34,811 --> 00:07:37,781
I LOVE YOU, BABE.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

230
00:07:37,781 --> 00:07:39,115
[ SIGHS ]

231
00:07:44,354 --> 00:07:45,922
ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

232
00:07:45,922 --> 00:07:47,390
YOU GO IN HER ROOM
AND WAKE HER UP

233
00:07:47,390 --> 00:07:49,826
WITH MOTHER'S DAY PECKS FROM
YOU AND THE CHICKEN, ALL RIGHT?

234
00:07:49,826 --> 00:07:50,827
[ CHUCKLES ]
HERE. HERE. TAKE --

235
00:07:50,827 --> 00:07:51,861
SHH!

236
00:07:51,861 --> 00:07:53,763
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO. LET'S GO.

237
00:07:55,699 --> 00:07:57,767
KATE, MY MOM'S NOT HERE.

238
00:07:57,767 --> 00:08:00,103
SHE'S NOT HERE?
SHE LEFT THE DOOR UNLOCKED.

239
00:08:00,103 --> 00:08:01,271
THAT'S WEIRD.

240
00:08:01,271 --> 00:08:02,939
THAT'S NOT WHAT'S WEIRD.

241
00:08:02,939 --> 00:08:04,808
WHAT'S WEIRD IS THAT

242
00:08:04,808 --> 00:08:06,943
SHE SET UP THE VACATION FEEDER
FOR THE PARROT.

243
00:08:06,943 --> 00:08:08,078
[ SQUAWKS ]

244
00:08:08,078 --> 00:08:09,613
HMM.

245
00:08:09,613 --> 00:08:11,915
PUT IT ON THE COUNTER,
AND I'LL ARRANGE THE COINS.

246
00:08:11,915 --> 00:08:12,916
HILLARY: OKAY.

247
00:08:12,916 --> 00:08:13,917
GO. GO. GO.

248
00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,819
SOMETHING'S
NOT RIGHT.

249
00:08:15,819 --> 00:08:17,854
YEAH, FIRST TIME I'VE WALKED
IN HERE AND NOT BEEN JUDGED.

250
00:08:17,854 --> 00:08:19,389
IT'S 7:01 -- THE COFFEE MAKER
SHOULD BE ON,

251
00:08:19,389 --> 00:08:21,124
AND THE JAZZ MUSIC
SHOULD BE PLAYING.

252
00:08:21,124 --> 00:08:24,160
THIS IS HER 12-MINUTE
RELAX WINDOW BEFORE
HER 3-MINUTE SHOWER.

253
00:08:24,160 --> 00:08:26,663
WELL, MAYBE SHE'S TAKEN
AN EARLY SHOWER.

254
00:08:26,663 --> 00:08:28,865
YEAH. AND MAYBE SHE'S EATING
A HOT DOG IN THERE, TOO.

255
00:08:28,865 --> 00:08:30,767
[ LAUGHS ]
[ LAUGHS ]

256
00:08:30,767 --> 00:08:32,035
SHE'S NOT IN HERE.

257
00:08:32,035 --> 00:08:33,169
WHAT ARE THE CHANCES --

258
00:08:33,169 --> 00:08:36,139
BOTH YOUR MOMS GONE
ON MOTHER'S DAY?

259
00:08:36,139 --> 00:08:40,076
THE DAY THEY SO SELFLESSLY
GAVE TO ME.

260
00:08:40,076 --> 00:08:43,313
"OH, KATE, YOU BE WITH THE KIDS.
YOU DESERVE IT."

261
00:08:43,313 --> 00:08:44,381
MOTHER--
AH!

262
00:08:44,381 --> 00:08:46,149
MM.

263
00:08:46,149 --> 00:08:48,084
"MOTHER" WHAT?

264
00:08:48,084 --> 00:08:50,120
WHOO!
[ TRUCK HORN HONKS ]

265
00:08:50,120 --> 00:08:52,088
YEAH!
THAT'S A GOOD TIME!

266
00:08:52,088 --> 00:08:54,190
ALL RIGHT!

267
00:08:54,190 --> 00:08:55,258
OKAY.

268
00:08:55,258 --> 00:08:57,627
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
NOW YOUR TURN.

269
00:08:57,627 --> 00:08:58,862
I'LL HOLD THE WHEEL
WHILE YOU DRIVE.

270
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,767
GUYS, WE'RE LOOKING FOR CLUES --
A HINT, YOU KNOW?

271
00:09:03,767 --> 00:09:05,101
SOMETHING THAT TELLS US
WHERE YOUR MOMS WENT.

272
00:09:05,101 --> 00:09:07,103
FOUND SOMETHING.
WHAT?

273
00:09:07,103 --> 00:09:08,304
BLACK LICORICE!

274
00:09:08,304 --> 00:09:10,240
PLAN "B" -- I AM GONNA
CHECK THE COMPUTER.

275
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:12,375
WARREN, YOU CALL YOUR MOM AND
TRY TO FIND OUT WHERE SHE IS.

276
00:09:12,375 --> 00:09:13,309
OKAY.

277
00:09:13,309 --> 00:09:14,811
BERT,
EASY ON THE LICORICE.

278
00:09:14,811 --> 00:09:16,012
NO PROMISES.

279
00:09:16,012 --> 00:09:18,148
"VEGAS FOR INTELLECTUALS."
"WHAT IS A GIF?"

280
00:09:18,148 --> 00:09:20,283
"MATT LAUER SHIRTLESS."
"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?"

281
00:09:20,283 --> 00:09:22,652
[ CHUCKLES ] GOD,
I COULD READ THIS FOR DAYS.

282
00:09:22,652 --> 00:09:24,788
UH, H-HELLO, MOTHER.
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]

283
00:09:24,788 --> 00:09:26,089
SOUND MORE NATURAL.

284
00:09:26,089 --> 00:09:29,059
UH, MOM --
MOTHER -- HI.

285
00:09:29,059 --> 00:09:31,594
I WAS JUST WONDERING, YOU KNOW,
PERCHANCE, WHERE ARE YOU?

286
00:09:31,594 --> 00:09:34,064
WHY? WHAT'S WRONG?

287
00:09:34,064 --> 00:09:35,198
UH, WHAT'S WRONG?

288
00:09:35,198 --> 00:09:36,800
I --

289
00:09:36,800 --> 00:09:37,767
OOH. MOM.

290
00:09:37,767 --> 00:09:38,935
SOMEONE...

291
00:09:38,935 --> 00:09:40,637
FARTED IN MY FACE?

292
00:09:40,637 --> 00:09:42,005
WELL...

293
00:09:42,005 --> 00:09:44,307
THAT DOES SOUND LIKE
AN EMERGENCY, WARREN,

294
00:09:44,307 --> 00:09:46,743
AND ONE I'M SURE
KATE CAN MOST ASSUREDLY HANDLE.

295
00:09:46,743 --> 00:09:47,877
OH, NO, MOM, BUT --

296
00:09:47,877 --> 00:09:49,846
I LOVE YOU, WARREN.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

297
00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:50,847
OKAY. BYE.

298
00:09:50,847 --> 00:09:52,215
DO YOU THINK
THEY'RE ONTO US?

299
00:09:52,215 --> 00:09:55,151
SOMEONE FARTED
IN WARREN'S FACE.

300
00:09:55,151 --> 00:09:56,319
GROSS.
MM.

301
00:09:56,319 --> 00:09:58,288
OH, DIANE,
WE GOT TO LAY DOWN

302
00:09:58,288 --> 00:10:00,924
SOME REAL GROUND RULES HERE,
OKAY?

303
00:10:00,924 --> 00:10:05,028
UH, "PANTIES ON THE DOOR --
DON'T COME ASHORE."

304
00:10:05,028 --> 00:10:08,198
"PANTIES ON THE FLOOR --
COULD USE ONE MORE."

305
00:10:08,198 --> 00:10:09,165
WHAT DOES THAT
EVEN MEAN?

306
00:10:09,165 --> 00:10:11,000
UH, LIKE, A THREESOME.

307
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,236
SO, YOU DOING ANYTHING SPECIAL
FOR MOTHER'S DAY?

308
00:10:13,236 --> 00:10:14,971
JUST SELLING MY SOUL.

309
00:10:14,971 --> 00:10:16,106
WONDERFUL.

310
00:10:16,106 --> 00:10:17,907
I ALWAYS THOUGHT
YOU WERE MORE OF A WINTER.

311
00:10:17,907 --> 00:10:18,942
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

312
00:10:18,942 --> 00:10:20,210
IS THIS
WHAT YOU DO AT WORK?

313
00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:22,112
I WANT TO BE
A PRETTY LAWYER.

314
00:10:22,112 --> 00:10:23,847
I GOT PROMOTED
TO LEAD COUNSEL.

315
00:10:23,847 --> 00:10:26,382
I'M GONNA GIVE A, UH,
PRESS CONFERENCE THIS AFTERNOON.

316
00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:27,650
THAT'S GREAT, BABE.

317
00:10:27,650 --> 00:10:30,920
OH, YEAH. I'M THE...
NEW FACE OF EVIL.

318
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,322
I DON'T WANT TO BORE YOU
WITH WORK STUFF.

319
00:10:32,322 --> 00:10:33,790
GREAT. 'CAUSE WE'RE
ON A MISSION...
GOOD.

320
00:10:33,790 --> 00:10:35,058
MM-HMM.
...FOR JUSTICE.

321
00:10:35,058 --> 00:10:36,192
YOU CAME
TO THE WRONG PLACE.

322
00:10:36,192 --> 00:10:37,894
OKAY, DAD, LISTEN,
YOUR EX-WIVES --

323
00:10:37,894 --> 00:10:39,329
YEAH, THEY'RE REAL PIECES
OF WORK.

324
00:10:39,329 --> 00:10:41,097
THEY DUMPED THE KIDS
AND KATE ON ME,

325
00:10:41,097 --> 00:10:42,732
AND NOW MY DAY IS RUINED.

326
00:10:42,732 --> 00:10:43,967
THEY BETRAYED ME.

327
00:10:43,967 --> 00:10:45,168
THEY MADE ME FEEL LIKE
I WAS PART OF THE MOM CLUB,

328
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:46,669
AND THEN THEY DITCHED ME.

329
00:10:46,669 --> 00:10:48,238
I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS --
HIGH SCHOOL?
APPARENTLY.

330
00:10:48,238 --> 00:10:50,006
YEAH, THAT -- THAT SOUNDS
REALLY IMMATURE.

331
00:10:50,006 --> 00:10:51,174
IT IS IMMATURE --
AND HURTFUL.

332
00:10:51,174 --> 00:10:52,342
SO NOW WE'RE GONNA
TRACK THEM DOWN,

333
00:10:52,342 --> 00:10:54,110
AND WE'RE GONNA RUIN
THEIR MOTHER'S DAY.

334
00:10:54,110 --> 00:10:55,245
AND WE'RE GONNA
SHAME THEM.

335
00:10:55,245 --> 00:10:56,780
DO YOU KNOW
WHERE SAD STEVE IS?

336
00:10:56,780 --> 00:10:58,081
'CAUSE I HAVE A FEELING HE KNOWS
EXACTLY WHERE JACKIE IS.

337
00:10:58,081 --> 00:11:00,283
DID YOU COME HERE TO SEE ME
OR SAD STEVE?

338
00:11:00,283 --> 00:11:02,152
BABE, YOU.

339
00:11:03,286 --> 00:11:05,355
BUT, REALLY, DO YOU KNOW
WHERE SAD STEVE IS?

340
00:11:05,355 --> 00:11:07,257
STEVE:
I CAN AND WILL TELL YOU

341
00:11:07,257 --> 00:11:10,827
ALMOST ALL OTHER
PERSONAL INFORMATION BUT THAT.

342
00:11:10,827 --> 00:11:12,662
JUST...
TELL ME WHERE SHE IS!

343
00:11:12,662 --> 00:11:14,931
PLEASE DO NOT
SCREAM AT ME, OKAY?

344
00:11:14,931 --> 00:11:16,199
I DON'T LIKE MEAN VOICES.

345
00:11:16,199 --> 00:11:18,735
KATE, CAN YOU PLEASE
GIVE US A MINUTE?

346
00:11:19,903 --> 00:11:21,171
SURE. YEAH.

347
00:11:21,171 --> 00:11:23,106
OH, AND CLOSE THE DOOR.
THANKS.

348
00:11:24,174 --> 00:11:25,675
[ SIGHS ]
[ DOOR CLOSES ]

349
00:11:25,675 --> 00:11:27,677
PLEASE TELL ME
WHERE MY MOMMY IS.

350
00:11:27,677 --> 00:11:29,846
I REALLY NEED
TO TALK TO HER.

351
00:11:29,846 --> 00:11:30,780
BERT...

352
00:11:32,182 --> 00:11:33,216
[ VOICE BREAKING ]
PLEASE DON'T TOUCH THOSE.

353
00:11:33,216 --> 00:11:34,384
WHOOPS.

354
00:11:34,384 --> 00:11:35,819
YOU'RE PUTTING ME
IN A TOUGH SPOT.

355
00:11:35,819 --> 00:11:38,021
YOUR MOTHER IS
VERY SPECIAL TO ME,

356
00:11:38,021 --> 00:11:40,990
AND I PROMISED TO HER
THAT I WOULD KEEP HER SECRET.

357
00:11:40,990 --> 00:11:42,158
BUT I CAN'T WAIT
TO TELL HER

358
00:11:42,158 --> 00:11:44,327
THAT I WANT YOU
TO BE MY NEW DADDY.

359
00:11:46,162 --> 00:11:48,832
SHE'S STAYING
AT THE MONTAGE LAGUNA
UNTIL TOMORROW NIGHT.

360
00:11:48,832 --> 00:11:49,833
[ SNIFFLES ]

361
00:11:49,833 --> 00:11:51,334
OH, WOW.
[ CHUCKLES ]

362
00:11:51,334 --> 00:11:53,069
YOU SURPRISED ME,
YOU LITTLE RASCAL.

363
00:11:53,069 --> 00:11:55,238
YOU WANT TO TRY TO CALL HER
RIGHT NOW TOGETHER? HUH?

364
00:11:55,238 --> 00:11:57,340
WHAT DO YOU SAY...
SON?

365
00:11:57,340 --> 00:11:59,943
I ALREADY HAVE A DAD!

366
00:12:01,044 --> 00:12:04,647
KATE! I GOT IT!
I KNOW WHERE SHE IS!

367
00:12:04,647 --> 00:12:06,249
CAROLINE, COULD YOU PLEASE,

368
00:12:06,249 --> 00:12:08,651
UH, MOVE UP MY SESSION
WITH MY THERAPIST

369
00:12:08,651 --> 00:12:10,253
TO AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE
THIS WEEK?

370
00:12:10,253 --> 00:12:11,688
PREFERABLY, UH, THIS AFTERNOON.

371
00:12:14,891 --> 00:12:16,893
[ CHICKEN CLUCKING ]

372
00:12:22,632 --> 00:12:26,269
HERE YOU ARE, MA'AM. ONE BOTTLE
OF OUR FINEST CHAMPAGNE.

373
00:12:26,269 --> 00:12:28,605
DAVID, I COULD KISS YOU
ON THE MOUTH,

374
00:12:28,605 --> 00:12:31,708
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S
BEEN, SO I'M NOT GONNA DO IT.

375
00:12:31,708 --> 00:12:34,811
MAYBE AFTER I DRINK THAT BOTTLE.
COME BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

376
00:12:34,811 --> 00:12:36,746
OH, AND CHARGE IT
TO ROOM 242.

377
00:12:36,746 --> 00:12:40,216
THERE'S NOTHING MORE RELAXING
THAN A 5,000-METER SWIM.

378
00:12:40,216 --> 00:12:41,885
I DON'T KNOW.

379
00:12:41,885 --> 00:12:44,254
THIS IS MY NINTH ONE OF THESE,
AND I'M FEELING PRETTY CHILL.

380
00:12:44,254 --> 00:12:45,288
[ CHUCKLES ]

381
00:12:45,288 --> 00:12:48,258
OH, WAIT.
WE'RE IN ROOM 342.

382
00:12:48,258 --> 00:12:49,259
OKAY. DAVID?

383
00:12:49,259 --> 00:12:50,660
OH, WELL. HE'S GONE.

384
00:12:50,660 --> 00:12:53,263
OH, THERE.
HEY, DAVID.

385
00:12:53,263 --> 00:12:54,664
WHAT UP?

386
00:12:57,267 --> 00:12:58,968
[ CHUCKLES ]

387
00:12:58,968 --> 00:13:00,169
[ SPLASH ]
AAH!

388
00:13:00,169 --> 00:13:01,771
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

389
00:13:01,771 --> 00:13:03,106
DIANE! CODE RED!

390
00:13:03,106 --> 00:13:04,674
LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE HAVING
A GOOD TIME, HUH?

391
00:13:04,674 --> 00:13:06,075
WHAT'S THIS?
OOH, LOBSTER ROLL? YEAH.

392
00:13:06,075 --> 00:13:07,210
[ MUFFLED ]
YES, PLEASE. MMM!

393
00:13:07,210 --> 00:13:09,345
KATE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO
ACT LIKE A CHILD,

394
00:13:09,345 --> 00:13:10,947
THE KIDDY POOL
IS OVER THERE.

395
00:13:10,947 --> 00:13:12,248
I THOUGHT
YOU GAVE ME THE KIDS

396
00:13:12,248 --> 00:13:13,950
BECAUSE YOU RESPECTED ME
AND ACCEPTED ME.

397
00:13:13,950 --> 00:13:15,952
WELL, IT'S NOT MY FAULT
IF YOUR EGO ALLOWED YOU

398
00:13:15,952 --> 00:13:18,354
TO FORGET EVERYTHING I'VE EVER
SAID ABOUT YOU IN YOUR LIFE.

399
00:13:18,354 --> 00:13:20,256
OKAY, GET OUT OF THE POOL,
DIANE.

400
00:13:20,256 --> 00:13:21,824
NOPE.
I HAVEN'T FINISHED MY LAPS.

401
00:13:21,824 --> 00:13:24,260
OH, YES, YOU HAVE!
OH! OOH!

402
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:25,828
HEY! GET OFF
OF MY MEAL TICKET!

403
00:13:25,828 --> 00:13:27,330
GET OFF ME!
KATE!

404
00:13:27,330 --> 00:13:29,265
I WARNED YOU!
AAH!

405
00:13:29,265 --> 00:13:30,633
[ ALL SCREAM ]

406
00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:32,235
OOH!
OOH!

407
00:13:32,235 --> 00:13:33,803
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

408
00:13:33,803 --> 00:13:35,772
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!

409
00:13:35,772 --> 00:13:37,607
MOM FIGHT! MOM FIGHT!

410
00:13:37,607 --> 00:13:39,309
AAH!

411
00:13:39,309 --> 00:13:41,210
HOW'S YOUR MOTHER'S DAY
GOING?

412
00:13:41,210 --> 00:13:42,378
AMAZING.

413
00:13:44,314 --> 00:13:45,748
YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?
YOU LOOK KIND OF PALE.

414
00:13:45,748 --> 00:13:49,252
ME? I-I-I'M -- I'M STRESSED --
A LITTLE STRESSED.

415
00:13:49,252 --> 00:13:51,020
YEAH, I WOULD NOT WANT
TO HAVE YOUR JOB RIGHT NOW.

416
00:13:51,020 --> 00:13:53,289
OKAY, YOU'LL HEAR RANDY
IN YOUR EARPIECE

417
00:13:53,289 --> 00:13:55,124
IN THREE, TWO...

418
00:13:55,124 --> 00:13:57,193
WOMAN: WE ARE HERE
WITH PETE HARRISON,

419
00:13:57,193 --> 00:13:59,195
LEAD COUNSEL FOR
HIRSHEY/POLLACK PETROLEUM.

420
00:13:59,195 --> 00:14:01,164
SIR, DOES YOUR FIRM HAVE
ANY COMMENT

421
00:14:01,164 --> 00:14:04,367
ABOUT THE DEVASTATING EFFECTS OF
THE OIL SPILL ON THE GALÁPAGOS?

422
00:14:04,367 --> 00:14:08,972
FIRST, I-I-I JUST WANT TO SAY
"HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY"

423
00:14:08,972 --> 00:14:10,940
TO ALL THE --
ALL THE GREAT MOMS OUT THERE.

424
00:14:10,940 --> 00:14:11,941
HOW ABOUT THOSE MOMS?

425
00:14:11,941 --> 00:14:13,943
AND TO YOUR POINT,

426
00:14:13,943 --> 00:14:18,214
THE THING ABOUT
[STIFLED] AN ENVIRONMENTAL...

427
00:14:18,214 --> 00:14:21,250
CRISIS OF THIS --
OF THIS MAGNITUDE --

428
00:14:21,250 --> 00:14:23,252
MY CLIENT HAS ALWAYS...

429
00:14:23,252 --> 00:14:26,356
ALWAYS...
[WEAKLY] MAINTAINED --

430
00:14:26,356 --> 00:14:28,257
I THINK --
I THINK I HAVE TO --

431
00:14:29,292 --> 00:14:30,259
AAH!

432
00:14:31,227 --> 00:14:32,729
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU TRICKED ME.

433
00:14:32,729 --> 00:14:33,896
I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU FOUND US.

434
00:14:33,896 --> 00:14:35,098
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS GOOD

435
00:14:35,098 --> 00:14:36,666
FOR THE YOGURT TREATMENT
IN MY HAIR.

436
00:14:36,666 --> 00:14:38,768
AND NOW THERE'S YOGURT
IN THE POOL!

437
00:14:38,768 --> 00:14:41,337
YOU KNOW, I'M SMARTER THAN YOU
THINK I AM, DIANE, ALL RIGHT?

438
00:14:41,337 --> 00:14:42,605
I KNOW WHAT A GIF IS.

439
00:14:42,605 --> 00:14:44,207
I KNOW WHAT THE FOX SAYS.
DO YOU?

440
00:14:44,207 --> 00:14:46,175
I HAVE...A SENSE.
[ CELLPHONE CHIMES ]

441
00:14:46,175 --> 00:14:47,243
REALLY?
GUYS,
YOU HAVE TO STOP.

442
00:14:47,243 --> 00:14:49,679
UM...
PETE HAD A HEART ATTACK.

443
00:14:49,679 --> 00:14:51,881
JACKIE,
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
WHAT?

444
00:14:51,881 --> 00:14:53,750
NO, I GOT A TEXT
FROM SAD STEVE.

445
00:14:53,750 --> 00:14:54,951
"PETE HAD
A HEART ATTACK."

446
00:14:54,951 --> 00:14:57,186
WHAT?
OH, MY GOSH.

447
00:15:00,289 --> 00:15:01,791
EXCUSE ME. HI.
PETER HARRISON.

448
00:15:01,791 --> 00:15:03,192
KATE,
IF ANYTHING HAPPENS,

449
00:15:03,192 --> 00:15:04,761
WE'RE GONNA
GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.

450
00:15:04,761 --> 00:15:06,796
WE TRIED
EVERYTHING WE CAN...

451
00:15:06,796 --> 00:15:08,131
BUT WE'RE OUT OF OPTIONS.

452
00:15:09,165 --> 00:15:10,733
THERE'S NO EASY WAY
TO SAY THIS.

453
00:15:10,733 --> 00:15:12,035
I THINK
WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE.

454
00:15:12,035 --> 00:15:13,336
FOR GOD'S SAKES.
WHAT?

455
00:15:15,772 --> 00:15:19,308
PETER HENRY
WILLIAM HARRISON.

456
00:15:19,308 --> 00:15:20,243
WHO ARE YOU?

457
00:15:20,243 --> 00:15:21,878
THIS IS HIS WIFE.

458
00:15:21,878 --> 00:15:23,846
HIS WIFE
IS ALREADY IN THERE.

459
00:15:23,846 --> 00:15:25,681
NO.
WHAT?
WHAT?

460
00:15:30,153 --> 00:15:31,888
HEY, BABYCAKES.

461
00:15:31,888 --> 00:15:32,855
[ GASPS ] AAH!

462
00:15:32,855 --> 00:15:34,223
SHH.

463
00:15:34,223 --> 00:15:37,160
WARREN, HILLARY, BIRD, AND I
WERE SO DARN WORRIED.

464
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:38,661
WHERE'S KATE?

465
00:15:38,661 --> 00:15:40,730
WHO'S KATE, MY LOVE?

466
00:15:40,730 --> 00:15:42,965
STOP IT.
UGH. GROSS. I CAN'T CONTINUE
WITH THIS BIT.

467
00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:44,600
OH, MY GOD.
PETE, ARE YOU OKAY?

468
00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,735
YEAH, HE'S FINE.

469
00:15:45,735 --> 00:15:46,803
SORRY
I DIDN'T TEXT YOU.

470
00:15:46,803 --> 00:15:47,937
I ACTUALLY TOOK OUT MY PHONE
TO TEXT YOU,

471
00:15:47,937 --> 00:15:49,338
BUT THEN I STARTED
PLAYING CANDY CRUSH.

472
00:15:49,338 --> 00:15:52,141
THE PARAMEDICS SAID
I HAD A MILD HEART ATTACK,

473
00:15:52,141 --> 00:15:53,943
BUT...I-I FEEL FINE NOW.

474
00:15:53,943 --> 00:15:55,211
YOU LOOK GOOD.

475
00:15:55,211 --> 00:15:57,113
AND THAT MASCARA
REALLY MAKES YOUR EYES POP.

476
00:15:57,113 --> 00:16:00,817
TAKING A LOOK AT YOUR CHART
HERE. HAVE TO ADD THAT.

477
00:16:00,817 --> 00:16:02,151
OKAY, JACKIE.
EXCUSE ME.

478
00:16:02,151 --> 00:16:04,821
I'M GOING TO JUST SCRIBBLE OUT
"GREEN-TEA ENEMA,"

479
00:16:04,821 --> 00:16:07,056
IF THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU,
NURSE JACKIE.
NO.

480
00:16:07,056 --> 00:16:08,958
DAD,
I WAS SO SCARED.

481
00:16:08,958 --> 00:16:10,927
SWEETIE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY. I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

482
00:16:10,927 --> 00:16:13,830
BUT YOU PROMISED
TO TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND.

483
00:16:13,830 --> 00:16:16,065
OH, NO. NO, BERT.
[ CHUCKLES ]

484
00:16:16,065 --> 00:16:17,967
HE WAS USING
A FINGER OF SPEECH.

485
00:16:19,001 --> 00:16:20,903
HE MEANS
HE'S NEVER GOING TO DIE.

486
00:16:20,903 --> 00:16:22,905
I LOVE YOU, DAD...

487
00:16:22,905 --> 00:16:24,607
SO MUCH.

488
00:16:24,607 --> 00:16:26,776
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S GONNA
TAKE CARE OF ME WHEN I'M OLDER.

489
00:16:26,776 --> 00:16:28,311
I KNOW.

490
00:16:28,311 --> 00:16:29,879
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, NURSE.
AH, YES.

491
00:16:29,879 --> 00:16:32,248
OKAY. MR. AND MRS. --

492
00:16:32,248 --> 00:16:33,783
UH, MISSUSES HARRISON.

493
00:16:33,783 --> 00:16:35,785
YOU CAN CALL ME JACKIE.

494
00:16:35,785 --> 00:16:37,386
ACTUALLY, "JACKÉE."

495
00:16:37,386 --> 00:16:38,821
I'M MRS. HARRISON.

496
00:16:38,821 --> 00:16:41,157
UM, SO, TELL ME --
W-WAS IT A HEART ATTACK?

497
00:16:41,157 --> 00:16:42,925
UH, NOT EXACTLY.
MR. HARRISON, YOU'LL BE FINE.

498
00:16:42,925 --> 00:16:45,962
YOU JUST HAD A SEVERE CASE
OF INDIGESTION.

499
00:16:45,962 --> 00:16:48,865
SO...IT WAS
A-A MILD HEART ATTACK?

500
00:16:48,865 --> 00:16:51,734
NOPE. DID YOU EAT
ANYTHING STRANGE TODAY?

501
00:16:51,734 --> 00:16:53,903
UM...

502
00:16:53,903 --> 00:16:55,838
PICKLES...

503
00:16:55,838 --> 00:16:58,774
ONE OR TWO POUNDS
OF, UH, CURED MEATS...

504
00:16:58,774 --> 00:17:01,844
SIX MINI CUPCAKES...

505
00:17:01,844 --> 00:17:03,279
TWO REGULAR-SIZE CUPCAKES...

506
00:17:03,279 --> 00:17:04,647
OKAY, PETER,
THAT'S DISGUSTING.

507
00:17:04,647 --> 00:17:06,716
...AND A PUDDING POP.

508
00:17:06,716 --> 00:17:08,184
[ SIGHS ] BABE.
REALLY, DAD.

509
00:17:08,184 --> 00:17:10,386
DOCTOR, THIS FEELS TO ME
LIKE A WAKE-UP CALL.

510
00:17:10,386 --> 00:17:11,854
WHAT DO YOU RECOMMEND?

511
00:17:11,854 --> 00:17:15,158
SHOULD I -- I DON'T KNOW --
CHANGE MY LIFESTYLE?

512
00:17:15,158 --> 00:17:16,792
PULL BACK AT WORK?

513
00:17:16,792 --> 00:17:19,262
DECIDE WHAT'S...
REALLY IMPORTANT?

514
00:17:19,262 --> 00:17:21,164
WELL, CUT DOWN ON THE CUPCAKES,
AND -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

515
00:17:21,164 --> 00:17:22,365
I ACTUALLY HAVE
A PAMPHLET --

516
00:17:22,365 --> 00:17:24,100
IT'S GOT
A CARTOON BROCCOLI ON IT --

517
00:17:24,100 --> 00:17:25,268
YOU MIGHT FIND INFORMATIVE.

518
00:17:25,268 --> 00:17:26,369
IT'S ACTUALLY
VERY FUNNY.

519
00:17:26,369 --> 00:17:27,937
YOU WON'T EVEN REALIZE
YOU'RE LEARNING.

520
00:17:27,937 --> 00:17:28,938
OH!

521
00:17:30,072 --> 00:17:31,941
I THINK WE'RE GONNA NEED
A SECOND OPINION.

522
00:17:31,941 --> 00:17:32,775
[ BERT SHOUTING ]

523
00:17:32,775 --> 00:17:33,843
WHOO-HOO!
YEAH!

524
00:17:33,843 --> 00:17:35,878
[ MAN GRUNTS ]
SORRY!
SORRY!

525
00:17:35,878 --> 00:17:37,813
WELL...
WE'RE IN A HOSPITAL.

526
00:17:37,813 --> 00:17:38,915
I GUESS IT'S SAFE.

527
00:17:38,915 --> 00:17:39,916
WARREN: WHOO-HOO!
ANYWAY...
GOOD LUCK.

528
00:17:39,916 --> 00:17:40,983
SEE YOU
ON THE FLIP SIDE.
YEP.

529
00:17:40,983 --> 00:17:42,652
UH, HEY.

530
00:17:43,753 --> 00:17:45,855
DID YOU GUYS MEAN

531
00:17:45,855 --> 00:17:48,024
ANY OF THE NICE THINGS
YOU SAID ABOUT ME YESTERDAY?

532
00:17:48,024 --> 00:17:51,727
OR DID YOU JUST SAY THEM TO
TRICK ME INTO WATCHING THE KIDS?

533
00:17:51,727 --> 00:17:54,931
OH, WELL, I-I MEAN,
I WASN'T REALLY...

534
00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:56,199
WHAT? ME OR HER?
...TRICKING.

535
00:17:56,199 --> 00:17:58,801
'CAUSE YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO TRICK ME, YOU KNOW.

536
00:17:59,936 --> 00:18:02,638
I REALLY LOVE
BEING WITH YOUR KIDS.

537
00:18:03,906 --> 00:18:05,908
I JUST...FEEL STUPID

538
00:18:05,908 --> 00:18:07,643
BECAUSE WHEN YOU GAVE ME
MOTHER'S DAY,

539
00:18:07,643 --> 00:18:09,145
I ACTUALLY FELT
LIKE ONE OF THE MOMS,

540
00:18:09,145 --> 00:18:11,714
AND THEN YOU GUYS WENT
AND HUNG OUT WITHOUT ME,

541
00:18:11,714 --> 00:18:13,816
WHICH HURTS BECAUSE...

542
00:18:15,117 --> 00:18:20,156
FOR SOME STRANGE REASON
THAT I CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND...

543
00:18:20,156 --> 00:18:22,091
I REALLY LIKE YOU GUYS.

544
00:18:23,059 --> 00:18:24,260
KATE...

545
00:18:24,260 --> 00:18:27,296
FOR SOME REASON
THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND,

546
00:18:27,296 --> 00:18:29,765
I...LIKE YOU, TOO.

547
00:18:29,765 --> 00:18:34,270
I CONSIDER YOU AS MUCH
A PART OF THIS FAMILY AS JACKIE.

548
00:18:34,270 --> 00:18:35,271
YEAH.

549
00:18:36,772 --> 00:18:39,709
LET US MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
IT'S STILL MOTHER'S DAY.

550
00:18:39,709 --> 00:18:42,111
AND I HAVE
THIS AMAZING HOTEL ROOM...

551
00:18:42,111 --> 00:18:43,713
THAT I'M PAYING FOR.

552
00:18:43,713 --> 00:18:47,717
...THAT IS JUST SCREAMING
TO HAVE A LAY-DAY VACAY, SO --

553
00:18:47,717 --> 00:18:49,051
I JUST STOLE
A PRESCRIPTION PAD.

554
00:18:52,822 --> 00:18:54,657
WHOA.
13,000 VIEWS?

555
00:18:54,657 --> 00:18:57,927
"EVIL LAWYER PASSES OUT"
HAS GONE VIRAL.

556
00:18:57,927 --> 00:18:58,995
YOU SHOULD QUIT.

557
00:18:58,995 --> 00:19:01,030
I KNOW.
I CAN'T STOP REFRESHING.

558
00:19:01,030 --> 00:19:03,666
NO, I MEAN,
YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR JOB.

559
00:19:03,666 --> 00:19:05,201
YOU HATE IT ANYWAY,
RIGHT?

560
00:19:05,201 --> 00:19:06,836
AND LIFE'S TOO SHORT,
BABE.

561
00:19:06,836 --> 00:19:08,971
WHEN I WAS DRIVING
TO THE HOSPITAL,

562
00:19:08,971 --> 00:19:10,973
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO IMAGINE MY LIFE WITHOUT YOU,

563
00:19:10,973 --> 00:19:13,209
AND I...FREAKED OUT.

564
00:19:13,209 --> 00:19:14,777
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

565
00:19:14,777 --> 00:19:16,045
MM.

566
00:19:16,045 --> 00:19:17,780
YOU'VE GOT TO STOP EATING
LIKE A PREGNANT WOMAN.

567
00:19:17,780 --> 00:19:19,782
IF I QUIT MY JOB,
WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

568
00:19:19,782 --> 00:19:22,285
I DON'T KNOW. YOU COULD WORK
FOR A GOOD LAW FIRM.

569
00:19:22,285 --> 00:19:24,153
YOU KNOW,
REPRESENT HONEST PEOPLE.

570
00:19:24,153 --> 00:19:27,790
OR I COULD -- I COULD REALLY
FOCUS ON MY LEGAL EROTICA.

571
00:19:27,790 --> 00:19:32,662
THEO "LEGAL" EAGLETON HAS
A FEW MORE CASES TO PROSECUTE

572
00:19:32,662 --> 00:19:35,298
AND A FEW MORE PARALEGALS
TO "MENTOR."

573
00:19:35,298 --> 00:19:36,799
WHICHEVER ONE YOU THINK

574
00:19:36,799 --> 00:19:39,001
WOULD BRING THE MOST GOOD
INTO THIS WORLD.

575
00:19:39,001 --> 00:19:40,236
THAT'S GOOD.
WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

576
00:19:40,236 --> 00:19:42,038
I KNOW. I SNAKED IT OFF A TRAY
IN THE HALLWAY.

577
00:19:42,038 --> 00:19:45,074
I MEAN, CAN YOU BELIEVE
THERE WAS ONLY ONE
BITE TAKEN OUT OF IT?

578
00:19:45,074 --> 00:19:46,976
DON'T WASTE IT.

579
00:19:46,976 --> 00:19:49,312
[ LADY DANVILLE'S "OPERATING"
PLAYS ]

580
00:19:49,312 --> 00:19:51,814
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

581
00:19:51,814 --> 00:19:52,915
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

582
00:19:52,915 --> 00:19:55,851
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

583
00:19:55,851 --> 00:19:56,886
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

584
00:19:56,886 --> 00:19:58,888
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

585
00:19:58,888 --> 00:20:00,356
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

586
00:20:00,356 --> 00:20:02,058
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

587
00:20:02,058 --> 00:20:03,759
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

588
00:20:03,759 --> 00:20:05,795
♪ SO HERE WE GO AGAIN ♪

589
00:20:05,795 --> 00:20:08,698
♪ JUST LIKE I SAID I WOULD
FOR YOU ♪

590
00:20:08,698 --> 00:20:10,833
WARREN: OOH!
YOU GOT TO CATCH ME!

591
00:20:10,833 --> 00:20:12,868
♪ THE MIRRORS IN THE SKY ♪

592
00:20:12,868 --> 00:20:14,870
♪ THEY SHOW US HOW WE LIE ♪

593
00:20:14,870 --> 00:20:16,305
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪

594
00:20:16,305 --> 00:20:18,708
CHECK IT OUT.
FRED LAID US BREAKFAST TOMORR--

595
00:20:18,708 --> 00:20:19,709
AAH!
OHH!

596
00:20:19,709 --> 00:20:20,843
WHOA! WHOA! WHOA!

597
00:20:20,843 --> 00:20:22,945
CHICKEN DOWN.
CHICKEN DOWN!

598
00:20:22,945 --> 00:20:24,947
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

599
00:20:24,947 --> 00:20:27,083
♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OH ♪

600
00:20:27,083 --> 00:20:29,685
♪ OH, OH, OH ♪

601
00:20:29,685 --> 00:20:32,254
JACKIE: WAIT!
NOBODY STEP ON THE CHICKEN!

602
00:20:32,254 --> 00:20:34,125
IT'S DINNER TOMORROW NIGHT.

603
00:20:35,686 --> 00:20:36,887
PETE:
CHER'S FAREWELL TOUR.
DIANE:
"GONE WITH THE WIND."

604
00:20:36,887 --> 00:20:39,693
DAD'S FAKE
HEART ATTACK!

605
00:20:39,693 --> 00:20:40,961
YES!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

606
00:20:40,961 --> 00:20:42,029
GOOD JOB!

607
00:20:42,029 --> 00:20:43,997
ENOUGH!
WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

608
00:20:43,997 --> 00:20:45,699
OH. OH.

609
00:20:45,699 --> 00:20:48,102
ARE EACH OF THESE A VERSION
OF "PETE'S FAKE HEART ATTACK"?

610
00:20:48,102 --> 00:20:49,837
EXCEPT FOR
THE ONES YOU WROTE.

611
00:20:49,837 --> 00:20:52,806
AMELIA EARHART?
WHO THE HELL IS THAT?

612
00:20:52,806 --> 00:20:56,477
I VOTE THAT WE MOVE ON
FROM THIS JUVENILE SUGGESTION.

613
00:20:56,477 --> 00:20:58,078
YOU CAN SAY
ANYTHING YOU WANT --

614
00:20:58,078 --> 00:21:00,881
MOVIES, BOOKS, TV SHOWS,

615
00:21:00,881 --> 00:21:02,950
TITLES OF ANYTHING, PHRASES --
WHATEVER.

616
00:21:02,950 --> 00:21:04,751
OKAY, BABY.
I GOT ONE.
OKAY.

617
00:21:04,751 --> 00:21:06,420
GO, KATE!
I GOT ONE.

618
00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:07,955
HILLARY:
COME ON, KATE!
GO.

619
00:21:07,955 --> 00:21:10,023
MOVIE! SEE?
MOVIE!
ISN'T THIS FUN?
THREE WORDS.

620
00:21:10,023 --> 00:21:11,058
THREE WORDS.

621
00:21:11,058 --> 00:21:12,860
WARREN: OKAY.
UH, MOVIE, THREE WORDS.

622
00:21:12,860 --> 00:21:13,994
"DANCING WITH WOLVES."

623
00:21:13,994 --> 00:21:15,496
NO, NO, NO!
"DANCING WITH DOGS."

624
00:21:15,496 --> 00:21:16,630
[ GASPS ]
"HOTEL FOR DOGS"!

625
00:21:16,630 --> 00:21:17,965
"MY LEFT FOOT"?

626
00:21:17,965 --> 00:21:19,399
"DAD'S FAKE HEART ATTACK:
THE MOVIE."

627
00:21:19,399 --> 00:21:20,434
YEAH!

628
00:21:20,434 --> 00:21:21,435
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

629
00:21:21,435 --> 00:21:23,637
[ LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY ]