1 00:00:00,388 --> 00:00:02,212 MM. NOW, THAT'S HOW YOU MAKE A POT OF COFFEE. 2 00:00:02,212 --> 00:00:03,812 I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT MY HUSBAND 3 00:00:03,812 --> 00:00:05,682 SPENDING A NIGHT ON THE ROAD WITH HIS FIRST EX-WIFE, 4 00:00:05,682 --> 00:00:07,684 ADJOINING HOTEL ROOMS... 5 00:00:07,684 --> 00:00:10,053 SUDDENLY, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, 6 00:00:10,053 --> 00:00:11,187 THE DOOR CRACKS OPEN. 7 00:00:11,187 --> 00:00:13,290 STOP. YOU KNOW I HATE SCARY STORIES. 8 00:00:13,290 --> 00:00:15,025 DIANE IS STANDING THERE 9 00:00:15,025 --> 00:00:17,694 IN HER STIFF, MONOGRAMMED COTTON PAJAMAS, 10 00:00:17,694 --> 00:00:19,663 TELLING YOU THAT YOU'RE BRUSHING YOUR TEETH WRONG. 11 00:00:19,663 --> 00:00:20,530 [ CAR HORN HONKS ] 12 00:00:20,530 --> 00:00:22,032 HOW IS HILLARY SO EXCITED 13 00:00:22,032 --> 00:00:23,800 TO SPEND HER SPRING BREAK AT SCIENCE CAMP 14 00:00:23,800 --> 00:00:26,036 THAT SHE'S BEEN SITTING IN THE CAR FOR THE PAST HOUR? 15 00:00:26,036 --> 00:00:27,604 THAT'S JUST THE HOUR WE KNOW ABOUT. 16 00:00:27,604 --> 00:00:29,239 I HADN'T SEEN HER SINCE LAST NIGHT. 17 00:00:30,073 --> 00:00:31,308 HEY, BUD. 18 00:00:33,109 --> 00:00:34,311 OH, KATE, THE LAMP FELL. 19 00:00:34,311 --> 00:00:35,779 BUD, WHY ARE YOU BRINGING SO MANY CLOTHES? 20 00:00:35,779 --> 00:00:38,381 WE'RE JUST GONNA DROP HILLARY OFF, COME RIGHT BACK TOMORROW. 21 00:00:38,381 --> 00:00:40,150 HOW MANY PAIRS OF SOCKS DO YOU NEED? 22 00:00:40,150 --> 00:00:41,151 SOCKS! 23 00:00:41,151 --> 00:00:42,619 OH, HEY, WARREN. 24 00:00:42,619 --> 00:00:44,654 KATE, THE LAMP FELL. 25 00:00:44,654 --> 00:00:47,023 SO, DIANE, ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT HILLARY GOING AWAY 26 00:00:47,023 --> 00:00:48,725 FOR THE FIRST TIME? 27 00:00:48,725 --> 00:00:51,728 [ LAUGHS ] NOT AT ALL. SHE'S INCREDIBLY INDEPENDENT. 28 00:00:51,728 --> 00:00:53,763 SHE WAS POTTY-TRAINED AT EIGHT MONTHS. [ SNIFFS ] 29 00:00:53,763 --> 00:00:57,500 [ COFFEE POURING ] I THINK SHE CAN HANDLE ONE WEEK ON A COLLEGE CAMPUS. 30 00:00:57,500 --> 00:00:59,102 YOU SHOULD COME ALONG, KATE. 31 00:00:59,102 --> 00:01:03,139 IT WOULD BE YOUR OPPORTUNITY TO FINALLY SEE ONE IN REAL LIFE. 32 00:01:03,139 --> 00:01:04,307 WELL, I WENT TO COLLEGE, DIANE, OKAY? 33 00:01:04,307 --> 00:01:05,442 I HAVE A DEGREE. 34 00:01:05,442 --> 00:01:07,210 I JUST DON'T ANNOUNCE IT EVERY TWO MINUTES. 35 00:01:07,210 --> 00:01:08,278 WELL, NEITHER DO I. 36 00:01:08,278 --> 00:01:10,113 IF THERE'S ONE THING STANFORD TAUGHT ME, 37 00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:11,314 IT'S THAT STANFORD GRADS 38 00:01:11,314 --> 00:01:13,717 ALWAYS HAVE THAT FAMOUS STANFORD HUMILITY. 39 00:01:14,751 --> 00:01:16,720 OH, YOU CAN ROLL YOUR EYES ALL YOU WANT, KATE, 40 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:18,288 BUT I AM NOT SHOWING OFF. 41 00:01:18,288 --> 00:01:20,123 I'M JUST STATING A FACT. 42 00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,458 AND IF I WERE SHOWING OFF, 43 00:01:21,458 --> 00:01:23,460 I WOULD TELL YOU THAT I WOKE UP AT 4:15 THIS MORNING 44 00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:26,796 TO REATTACH A FLOATING PATELLA WITH A CADAVER LIGAMENT 45 00:01:26,796 --> 00:01:28,164 TO AN OBESE MAN. 46 00:01:28,164 --> 00:01:30,400 OBESE KNEES ARE THE HARDEST. 47 00:01:30,400 --> 00:01:32,102 OKAY, MY CAR IS ALL PACKED. 48 00:01:32,102 --> 00:01:33,236 YOUR CAR? 49 00:01:33,236 --> 00:01:34,471 YEAH, I THOUGHT I'D DRIVE. 50 00:01:34,471 --> 00:01:36,272 YOU THOUGHT WRONG. I'M DRIVING. 51 00:01:36,272 --> 00:01:37,407 OH, AND, PETER, 52 00:01:37,407 --> 00:01:39,209 I CAN TELL YOU HAVE TO POTTY, 53 00:01:39,209 --> 00:01:42,278 SO YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO SO NOW BECAUSE I'M NOT STOPPING. 54 00:01:42,278 --> 00:01:43,179 SAVE ME. 55 00:01:43,179 --> 00:01:45,215 YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BUDDY. 56 00:01:48,084 --> 00:01:57,560 ♪♪♪ 57 00:02:02,298 --> 00:02:03,767 OH, YEAH. 58 00:02:06,770 --> 00:02:07,771 AHH! 59 00:02:07,771 --> 00:02:08,805 AHH. 60 00:02:08,805 --> 00:02:10,140 AAH! YEAH. 61 00:02:10,140 --> 00:02:12,142 JACKIE, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE? 62 00:02:12,142 --> 00:02:14,344 LONG ENOUGH TO TAKE OFF MY BRA, TOO. 63 00:02:14,344 --> 00:02:15,512 JUST KIDDING. 64 00:02:15,512 --> 00:02:18,148 I NEVER WEAR A BRA. [ GRUNTS ] 65 00:02:18,148 --> 00:02:20,150 HEY, YOU KNOW I NEVER ASK FOR HELP... 66 00:02:20,150 --> 00:02:22,118 YOU ALWAYS ASK FOR HELP. 67 00:02:22,118 --> 00:02:24,354 ...WHICH IS HOW YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS REAL IMPORTANT. 68 00:02:24,354 --> 00:02:27,157 I'M SUPPOSED TO GO TO MY HIGH-SCHOOL REUNION TONIGHT WITH SAD STEVE, 69 00:02:27,157 --> 00:02:30,093 BUT HIS MOM FELL INTO A REALLY DEEP COMA, 70 00:02:30,093 --> 00:02:32,162 WHICH IS SUPER-TRAGIC, OBVIOUSLY, 71 00:02:32,162 --> 00:02:35,098 BECAUSE NOW I DON'T HAVE A DATE. 72 00:02:35,098 --> 00:02:36,499 OOH, DON'T YOU HATE IT HOW SOME PEOPLE 73 00:02:36,499 --> 00:02:38,702 JUST MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEMSELVES? 74 00:02:38,702 --> 00:02:40,170 OH, I KNOW! TELL ME ABOUT IT. 75 00:02:40,170 --> 00:02:42,238 IT'S, LIKE, I DON'T HAVE ANYONE TO GO WITH IT, 76 00:02:42,238 --> 00:02:43,807 AND I CAN'T GO BY MYSELF. 77 00:02:43,807 --> 00:02:46,276 OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO. 78 00:02:46,276 --> 00:02:50,346 I WOULD GO WITH ANYONE. 79 00:02:50,346 --> 00:02:51,614 HMM. 80 00:02:51,614 --> 00:02:53,016 HMM. 81 00:02:53,016 --> 00:02:54,017 HMM. 82 00:02:54,017 --> 00:02:54,651 HMM. 83 00:02:54,651 --> 00:02:55,785 HMM. HMM. 84 00:02:55,785 --> 00:02:57,454 NO, I GUESS -- 85 00:02:57,454 --> 00:02:58,655 THANK YOU! 86 00:02:58,655 --> 00:03:00,056 OH, MAN! 87 00:03:00,056 --> 00:03:02,225 NEVER WOULD'VE EVEN DREAMED OF ASKING YOU, 88 00:03:02,225 --> 00:03:04,260 BUT SINCE YOU VOLUNTEERED -- NO TAKE-BACKS. 89 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:06,329 YOU'RE AN ANGEL IN A DEVIL'S BODY. I LOVE YOU. 90 00:03:06,329 --> 00:03:07,731 JACKIE, I CAN'T GO. 91 00:03:07,731 --> 00:03:10,033 I'M BABYSITTING BERT TONIGHT, SO -- AH, DON'T WORRY. 92 00:03:10,033 --> 00:03:12,335 I KNEW YOU'D USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE, SO I ALREADY LINED UP A BABYSITTER. 93 00:03:12,335 --> 00:03:13,336 SO CHOP-CHOP. 94 00:03:13,336 --> 00:03:16,506 LOOK AT ALL THESE SPICES. 95 00:03:16,506 --> 00:03:18,241 AH! MEG, LOOK. 96 00:03:18,241 --> 00:03:19,743 [ CHUCKLING ] GROSS. 97 00:03:19,743 --> 00:03:21,411 TEVIN, IT'S PRONOUNCED "CUE-MIN." 98 00:03:21,411 --> 00:03:23,413 [ CAR HORN HONKS ] 99 00:03:23,413 --> 00:03:24,414 ALL RIGHT. 100 00:03:24,414 --> 00:03:26,216 JACKIE'S HERE. I GOT TO GO. 101 00:03:26,216 --> 00:03:28,084 [ CAR HORN HONKS ] 102 00:03:28,084 --> 00:03:30,019 [ SIGHS ] MEG, TEVIN, BE GOOD. 103 00:03:30,019 --> 00:03:31,187 BERT, YOU'RE IN CHARGE. 104 00:03:31,187 --> 00:03:32,222 FINALLY. 105 00:03:32,222 --> 00:03:34,090 [ CAR HORN HONKS ] 106 00:03:34,090 --> 00:03:35,725 OH, GOD, IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT. 107 00:03:35,725 --> 00:03:38,528 AH. THE THINGS THAT YOU DO FOR YOUR HUSBAND'S SECOND EX-WIFE. 108 00:03:38,528 --> 00:03:41,431 WHERE DO YOU THINK THE BOOZE IS? I DON'T KNOW. 109 00:03:41,431 --> 00:03:45,602 MAN: THE MIGHTY INCA EMPIRE FELL NOT BECAUSE OF WAR OR FAMINE, 110 00:03:45,602 --> 00:03:47,403 BUT BECAUSE OF SOMETHING FAR MORE INSIDIOUS. 111 00:03:47,403 --> 00:03:48,805 HE'S ASLEEP. 112 00:03:48,805 --> 00:03:51,541 FINALLY. OKAY. WHAT'S THE PLAN? 113 00:03:51,541 --> 00:03:54,344 SO, I'LL TAKE HILLARY TO ORIENTATION. JUST YOU? WHY? 114 00:03:54,344 --> 00:03:57,113 BECAUSE YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO OUR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION ENDED 115 00:03:57,113 --> 00:03:59,349 WHEN THEY MASTERED PAPIER-MÂCHÉ VOLCANOS. 116 00:03:59,349 --> 00:04:00,350 I STAND BY THEIR WORK. 117 00:04:00,350 --> 00:04:01,651 THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO, PETE. 118 00:04:01,651 --> 00:04:03,419 AH, WELL, I AM PICKING THE BATON BACK UP. 119 00:04:03,419 --> 00:04:06,556 THIS TRIP, I'M GONNA GET WARREN EXCITED ABOUT COLLEGE. 120 00:04:06,556 --> 00:04:08,258 OKAY, GOOD! GET HIM EXCITED! 121 00:04:08,258 --> 00:04:10,293 GET HIM EXCITED ENOUGH TO STUDY NOW, 122 00:04:10,293 --> 00:04:13,163 AND MAYBE HE WON'T HAVE TO GO TO A COLLEGE THAT ADVERTISES ON TV. 123 00:04:14,430 --> 00:04:16,032 YOU KNOW, I'M GLAD I CAME. 124 00:04:16,032 --> 00:04:18,268 I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET SOME OF YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL FRIENDS. 125 00:04:18,268 --> 00:04:22,105 OH, WELL, WE WERE JUST A PACK OF CARDS WITH ONLY ONE JOKER. 126 00:04:23,072 --> 00:04:25,408 OH, THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL -- MARCY. 127 00:04:25,408 --> 00:04:28,244 WHEW! SHE AND I USED TO GIVE EACH OTHER THE STUFF. 128 00:04:28,244 --> 00:04:30,079 OOH! LIKE DRUGS? 129 00:04:30,079 --> 00:04:31,047 NO! NO! 130 00:04:31,047 --> 00:04:32,182 THE BUSINESS, YOU KNOW? 131 00:04:32,182 --> 00:04:34,117 THE CHEESE. 132 00:04:34,117 --> 00:04:35,385 THE OL' BACK AND FORTH. 133 00:04:35,385 --> 00:04:37,086 I'D ZIG, SHE'D ZAG. 134 00:04:37,086 --> 00:04:38,454 [ LAUGHS ] 135 00:04:38,454 --> 00:04:40,356 WE'D BE AT IT ALL DAY. 136 00:04:40,356 --> 00:04:42,125 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. 137 00:04:42,125 --> 00:04:43,226 I GET IT. 138 00:04:43,226 --> 00:04:44,227 DRUGS. 139 00:04:44,227 --> 00:04:46,563 YEAH, SOMETIMES. YEAH. 140 00:04:46,563 --> 00:04:47,630 THIS IS FUN. 141 00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:49,332 GOD, I'D MUCH RATHER BE HERE WITH YOU 142 00:04:49,332 --> 00:04:51,501 THAN WITH DIANE, THE ICE QUEEN. 143 00:04:51,501 --> 00:04:53,636 OOH! BRRRR! FROSTY. 144 00:04:53,636 --> 00:04:56,306 YEAH. THE ONLY THING COLDER THAN HER HEART IS HER -- 145 00:04:56,306 --> 00:04:57,407 AAH! [ HORN HONKS ] 146 00:04:57,407 --> 00:04:59,409 AAH! 147 00:04:59,409 --> 00:05:01,711 HITTING A SQUIRREL IS GOOD LUCK, RIGHT? 148 00:05:03,146 --> 00:05:05,348 A RABBIT AND TURTLE... 149 00:05:05,348 --> 00:05:07,016 GO IN THE HOLE... 150 00:05:07,016 --> 00:05:08,151 TIE THEM. 151 00:05:10,286 --> 00:05:12,222 LOOK AT ME. I'M PETE. 152 00:05:12,222 --> 00:05:13,723 I'M A GROWN-UP. 153 00:05:13,723 --> 00:05:15,491 LOOK AT ME. I'M KATE. 154 00:05:15,491 --> 00:05:18,094 PETE, HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME BEFORE YOU DIE. 155 00:05:18,094 --> 00:05:20,029 WE'RE SO GOOD AT THIS. 156 00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,030 [ GASPS ] 157 00:05:21,030 --> 00:05:22,065 LET'S HAVE A KID. 158 00:05:22,065 --> 00:05:23,633 THAT'S A REALLY BIG DECISION. 159 00:05:23,633 --> 00:05:25,435 LET'S DO IT. 160 00:05:28,404 --> 00:05:29,806 HI. I'M ADELE. 161 00:05:29,806 --> 00:05:31,207 WHOA. 162 00:05:31,207 --> 00:05:33,743 ARE WE IN THE RIGHT HOUSE? 163 00:05:33,743 --> 00:05:35,645 THIS IS MY SECOND BEST FRIEND -- ADELE. 164 00:05:35,645 --> 00:05:38,214 SINCE YOU GUYS WOULDN'T LET ME PLAY DRESS-UP WITH YOU, 165 00:05:38,214 --> 00:05:39,382 I INVITED HER OVER. 166 00:05:39,382 --> 00:05:41,184 I KNOW HOW TO COUNT IN KOREAN. 167 00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:42,318 HANA, DUL. 168 00:05:42,318 --> 00:05:44,320 I CAN COUNT TO THREE IN BURP. 169 00:05:44,320 --> 00:05:46,322 [ BURPING ] ONE, TWO, THREE. 170 00:05:46,322 --> 00:05:47,490 BERT: OH, MY GOD! 171 00:05:47,490 --> 00:05:48,791 THAT IS SO COOL! 172 00:05:48,791 --> 00:05:52,028 YOU HAVE GOTS TO TEACH ME HOW TO DO THAT! 173 00:05:52,028 --> 00:05:52,795 NO PROBLEM. 174 00:05:52,795 --> 00:05:55,131 UM, MEG, GRAB A COUPLE OF SODAS. 175 00:05:55,131 --> 00:05:56,599 OKAY. OH, WAIT. UH... 176 00:05:56,599 --> 00:06:00,436 KATE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT DRINKING OR NOT DRINKING SODAS. 177 00:06:00,436 --> 00:06:03,273 OH, SHE SAID I COULD. YEAH, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS A LIST OF THINGS THAT WERE FINE. 178 00:06:03,273 --> 00:06:04,240 YEAH. 179 00:06:05,475 --> 00:06:07,310 WHEN YOU SAID, "LET'S GO VISIT THE BOOKSTORE," 180 00:06:07,310 --> 00:06:08,578 I GOT ALL NERVOUS, 181 00:06:08,578 --> 00:06:10,513 BUT ALL THAT PLACE SOLD WAS CANDY AND SWEATSHIRTS. 182 00:06:10,513 --> 00:06:12,448 SEE, BUDDY? ISN'T COLLEGE A MAGICAL PLACE? 183 00:06:12,448 --> 00:06:15,385 [ LAUGHS ] I HAD NO IDEA HOW MUCH IT HAD TO OFFER. 184 00:06:15,385 --> 00:06:17,553 LIKE, DID YOU SEE THAT GUY IN THE CAFETERIA? 185 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:21,424 I'M GONNA NEED A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION, BUDDY. 186 00:06:21,424 --> 00:06:23,793 HE MIXED LIKE FIVE DIFFERENT CEREALS INTO ONE BOWL. 187 00:06:23,793 --> 00:06:26,796 AND THAT OTHER DUDE WHO PUT CHOCOLATE MILK INTO HIS FROSTY FLAKES? 188 00:06:26,796 --> 00:06:28,598 HA! [ IMITATES EXPLOSION ] 189 00:06:28,598 --> 00:06:32,735 DID ANYTHING NON-CEREAL-BASED CAPTURE YOUR IMAGINATION? 190 00:06:32,735 --> 00:06:33,736 MM... 191 00:06:33,736 --> 00:06:35,071 YOU KNOW WHAT? 192 00:06:35,071 --> 00:06:36,439 IT DOESN'T MATTER. 193 00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:39,809 I-I-I'M EXCITED THAT YOU'RE EXCITED TO STUDY HARD NOW 194 00:06:39,809 --> 00:06:41,611 SO ONE DAY YOU CAN GO TO COLLEGE. 195 00:06:41,611 --> 00:06:42,478 YEAH. 196 00:06:43,746 --> 00:06:46,115 BUT, I MEAN, I GUESS I ALREADY HAVE ALL THE CLOTHES, 197 00:06:46,115 --> 00:06:48,751 AND I CAN JUST PUT CHOCOLATE MILK IN MY CEREAL AT HOME 198 00:06:48,751 --> 00:06:50,253 NOW THAT I'VE LEARNED THAT TRICK. 199 00:06:50,253 --> 00:06:52,588 IS THERE ANYTHING MORE FOR ME TO GAIN FROM THIS PLACE? 200 00:06:52,588 --> 00:06:55,091 THE LADIES? 201 00:06:55,091 --> 00:06:56,059 NOW YOU'RE TALKIN'. 202 00:06:56,059 --> 00:06:57,093 RIGHT? 203 00:06:57,093 --> 00:07:00,096 LET'S GO FIND MOM AND HIL. COME ON. 204 00:07:01,030 --> 00:07:03,066 [ SIGHS ] 205 00:07:03,066 --> 00:07:06,169 HILLARY: [ SIGHS ] IT IS SO COOL TO BE IN A ROOM 206 00:07:06,169 --> 00:07:08,171 WITH KIDS ALMOST AS SMART AS ME. 207 00:07:08,171 --> 00:07:09,138 AWW. 208 00:07:09,806 --> 00:07:11,708 OH, SEEING YOU THIS EXCITED 209 00:07:11,708 --> 00:07:14,577 MAKES THE CAR RIDE WITH YOUR FATHER ALMOST WORTH IT. 210 00:07:14,577 --> 00:07:16,045 WELCOME, EVERYBODY. 211 00:07:16,045 --> 00:07:19,115 TO KICK THINGS OFF, LET'S ALL GO AROUND THE ROOM 212 00:07:19,115 --> 00:07:22,518 AND SAY ONE ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENT WE ARE MOST PROUD OF THIS YEAR. 213 00:07:22,518 --> 00:07:24,721 UH, CONSIDER THE ICE BROKEN. 214 00:07:24,721 --> 00:07:29,325 I AM DR. DIANE BUCKLEY, AND I HAVE HAD QUITE A YEAR. 215 00:07:29,325 --> 00:07:30,760 OH, JUST THE CAMPERS. 216 00:07:30,760 --> 00:07:32,428 OH, YES, OF COURSE. 217 00:07:32,428 --> 00:07:36,399 I WAS ONLY GOING TO INTRODUCE MY EXTRAORDINARY DAUGHTER. 218 00:07:36,399 --> 00:07:37,467 THANKS, MOM. 219 00:07:37,467 --> 00:07:38,735 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 220 00:07:38,735 --> 00:07:39,802 HELLO. 221 00:07:39,802 --> 00:07:42,372 MY NAME IS HILLARY RODHAM HARRISON, 222 00:07:42,372 --> 00:07:45,808 AND I HAD A POEM PUBLISHED IN MY SCHOOL'S LITERARY MAGAZINE 223 00:07:45,808 --> 00:07:47,610 CALLED "SEASONS." 224 00:07:49,045 --> 00:07:52,181 I'M ALEX, AND I WAS ALSO RECENTLY PUBLISHED, 225 00:07:52,181 --> 00:07:54,350 IN THE JOURNAL OF THE AMERICAN MEDICAL ASSOCIATION. 226 00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:56,085 OH. 227 00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:58,087 HI. MY NAME IS BADISHA. 228 00:07:58,087 --> 00:08:01,157 YOU PROBABLY ALREADY KNOW ME FROM MY T.E.D. TALK. 229 00:08:01,157 --> 00:08:03,526 THESE KIDS ARE REALLY SMART. 230 00:08:03,526 --> 00:08:05,028 SO ARE YOU. 231 00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:07,030 GIVE A DIFFERENT FACT. 232 00:08:09,799 --> 00:08:11,534 I'D LIKE TO CHANGE MY FACT. 233 00:08:11,534 --> 00:08:16,739 J'AI LU "MADAME BOVARY" DANS LE FRANÇAIS D'ORIGINE. 234 00:08:16,739 --> 00:08:18,808 WOW. YOU'RE SO LUCKY. 235 00:08:18,808 --> 00:08:21,711 I WAS ONLY ALLOWED TO LEARN LANGUAGES OF THE FUTURE -- 236 00:08:21,711 --> 00:08:24,614 MANDARIN, ARABIC, HTML, JAVA, UNIX. 237 00:08:25,715 --> 00:08:27,250 IT'S OKAY. EXCUSEZ-MOI. 238 00:08:30,253 --> 00:08:32,121 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 239 00:08:32,121 --> 00:08:33,756 HERE'S MINE. HERE'S YOURS. 240 00:08:33,756 --> 00:08:36,092 THANKS SO MUCH FOR COMING, KATE. 241 00:08:36,092 --> 00:08:37,293 "KATE FISHER"? 242 00:08:37,293 --> 00:08:39,062 THEY PUT YOUR LAST NAME ON MINE. OH. 243 00:08:39,062 --> 00:08:40,763 I'LL -- I'LL JUST HAVE THEM CHANGE IT. 244 00:08:40,763 --> 00:08:42,799 NO, NO, NO. SHE'S REALLY SLAMMED. 245 00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:44,767 LET'S NOT BOTHER HER. 246 00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:46,035 JACKIE! 247 00:08:46,035 --> 00:08:48,104 CONGRATULATIONS, YOU TWO. 248 00:08:48,104 --> 00:08:49,405 I'LL SEE YOU ON THE DANCE FLOOR. 249 00:08:49,405 --> 00:08:51,074 OH, THANKS, MARCY. COOL. OKAY. 250 00:08:51,074 --> 00:08:52,475 SHE SEEMS REALLY SWEET. YEAH. 251 00:08:52,475 --> 00:08:54,077 WHAT IS SHE CONGRATULATING US ABOUT? 252 00:08:54,077 --> 00:08:55,378 OUR WEDDING. 253 00:08:55,378 --> 00:08:57,180 I TOLD EVERYONE WE'RE MARRIED. 254 00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:59,148 MARRIED? YEAH. 255 00:08:59,148 --> 00:09:01,284 WHAT? JACKIE! COME ON, LET'S GET A DRINK AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT LATER, OKAY? 256 00:09:01,284 --> 00:09:03,386 NO, DON'T. I WANT US TO HAVE FUN. JUST -- 257 00:09:03,386 --> 00:09:04,620 JACKIE, NOT -- STOP IT. 258 00:09:04,620 --> 00:09:07,590 OKAY, LET ME LAND OR I'M MOVING TO THE FRONT. 259 00:09:09,731 --> 00:09:12,366 OKAY, I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T TELL YOU SOONER. 260 00:09:12,366 --> 00:09:13,896 IT JUST NEVER SEEMED LIKE THE RIGHT TIME. 261 00:09:13,896 --> 00:09:16,399 OH, REALLY? WE ONLY SPENT SIX HOURS TOGETHER IN A CAR. 262 00:09:16,399 --> 00:09:17,733 THERE WASN'T TIME TO SAY, "HEY, KATE, 263 00:09:17,733 --> 00:09:19,368 I TOLD EVERYONE AT THE REUNION THAT YOU'RE MY WIFE"? 264 00:09:19,368 --> 00:09:21,437 WELL, WE WERE TALKING ABOUT DREAM LICENSE PLATES. 265 00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,306 LOOK, LISTEN. 266 00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:25,341 HIGH SCHOOL FOR ME WAS NO PICNIC. 267 00:09:25,341 --> 00:09:27,143 I DIDN'T HAVE THAT MANY FRIENDS, 268 00:09:27,143 --> 00:09:28,144 NO ONE WANTED TO EAT WITH ME, 269 00:09:28,144 --> 00:09:29,879 SO I HAD TO EAT OUTSIDE BY MYSELF, 270 00:09:29,879 --> 00:09:33,015 WHICH I KNOW SOUNDS LIKE A PICNIC, BUT IT REALLY WASN'T. 271 00:09:33,015 --> 00:09:35,084 YEAH, AND REMEMBER THAT BILLY GOAT MARCY, 272 00:09:35,084 --> 00:09:37,253 THE ONE WHO CAME OVER GNAWING ON THAT TIN CAN? 273 00:09:37,253 --> 00:09:38,354 YEAH. SHE SEEMED NICE. 274 00:09:38,354 --> 00:09:40,256 YEAH, NICE -- FOR A DONKEY. 275 00:09:40,256 --> 00:09:42,124 I THOUGHT SHE WAS PRETTY. 276 00:09:42,124 --> 00:09:44,060 WELL, PROBABLY 'CAUSE HER TRAINER GROOMED HER FOR THE REUNION. 277 00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,594 STUPID COW! 278 00:09:45,594 --> 00:09:48,230 OKAY, JACKIE, CAN YOU JUST PICK AN ANIMAL AND FINISH THE STORY? 279 00:09:48,230 --> 00:09:50,533 HER AND HER FRIENDS WERE SO MEAN TO ME. 280 00:09:50,533 --> 00:09:52,301 THEY USED TO MAKE FUN OF ME ALL THE TIME, 281 00:09:52,301 --> 00:09:54,136 MAINLY BECAUSE OF MY MOUTH-BREATHING, 282 00:09:54,136 --> 00:09:56,105 BUT ALSO BECAUSE I NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND. 283 00:09:56,105 --> 00:09:57,306 AND FINALLY, I GOT SICK OF IT. 284 00:09:57,306 --> 00:09:59,642 I DON'T KNOW. I JUST CAME OUT. 285 00:09:59,642 --> 00:10:01,177 AND HOW DID THAT FIX IT? 286 00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:02,311 BECAUSE IT WAS THE EARLY '90S. 287 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,280 IT WAS A GREAT TIME TO PRETEND TO BE GAY. 288 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,148 THAT WHOLE P.C. THING, REMEMBER? 289 00:10:06,148 --> 00:10:07,316 WHITE PEOPLE IN DASHIKIS. 290 00:10:07,316 --> 00:10:08,384 OH, MY GOD. 291 00:10:08,384 --> 00:10:09,251 [ GASPS ] OH! 292 00:10:09,251 --> 00:10:10,286 IS THAT FOR REAL? 293 00:10:10,286 --> 00:10:12,288 AH! IT'S ME! THAT'S MY PROM PHOTO! 294 00:10:12,288 --> 00:10:17,293 OH! LOOK HOW HANDSOME AND CUTE I WAS, SO YOUNG. 295 00:10:17,293 --> 00:10:18,594 I MEAN, I KNOW IT WASN'T MY DREAM PROM, 296 00:10:18,594 --> 00:10:20,062 BUT HEY, WE CAN'T ALL BE MARCY, 297 00:10:20,062 --> 00:10:21,530 AND I GET IT IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE MY WIFE. 298 00:10:21,530 --> 00:10:23,032 THAT'S JUST FINE, YOU BILLY GOAT. 299 00:10:23,032 --> 00:10:24,233 NO, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL DO IT. 300 00:10:24,233 --> 00:10:25,968 WAIT. WHAT? YEAH. 301 00:10:25,968 --> 00:10:27,470 I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND. 302 00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:31,607 LISTEN, NONE OF US GOT OUT OF A HIGH SCHOOL UNSCATHED. NO. 303 00:10:31,607 --> 00:10:34,043 JUST CLEAR YOUR CRAZY WITH ME FIRST NEXT TIME, OKAY? OKAY. OKAY. 304 00:10:34,043 --> 00:10:35,611 OKAY? MM-HMM. 305 00:10:35,611 --> 00:10:37,980 NOW LET'S GO SHOW EVERYONE HOW GREAT THINGS TURNED OUT 306 00:10:37,980 --> 00:10:39,315 FOR THIS BRAVE, LITTLE MOUTH-BREATHER. 307 00:10:39,315 --> 00:10:41,550 OKAY. [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] 308 00:10:45,287 --> 00:10:47,590 I'M HANGING OUT AT COLLEGE, POUNDING CEREAL, 309 00:10:47,590 --> 00:10:49,258 AND YOU TAKE ME TO CLASS? 310 00:10:49,258 --> 00:10:51,093 I'M NOT REALLY DIGGING THIS. 311 00:10:51,093 --> 00:10:53,562 BUT I WAS DIGGING THAT VENDING MACHINE WITH THE COMB IN IT. 312 00:10:53,562 --> 00:10:55,231 HEY, CAN I HAVE THREE BUCKS? 313 00:10:55,231 --> 00:10:57,099 YOU ALREADY HAVE A COMB. 314 00:10:57,099 --> 00:10:59,602 AND I THINK YOU MIGHT LIKE THIS CLASS. 315 00:11:00,870 --> 00:11:04,907 FROM "RAMBO" TO "BAMBI," WELCOME TO VIOLENCE IN CINEMA. 316 00:11:04,907 --> 00:11:05,875 SHUT UP! 317 00:11:06,375 --> 00:11:08,344 OH, OH. SORRY. SORRY. 318 00:11:08,344 --> 00:11:10,279 PLEASE CONTINUE. 319 00:11:10,279 --> 00:11:14,016 [ BURPING ] FOUR...FIVE. 320 00:11:14,016 --> 00:11:15,918 [ LAUGHS ] NICE ONE! 321 00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:18,387 FULL-BODIED AND... IT SMELLS. 322 00:11:18,387 --> 00:11:20,256 DRINKING SODA'S SO MUCH FUN. 323 00:11:20,256 --> 00:11:22,258 I FEEL LIKE MY TEETH ARE GETTING SMALLER. 324 00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:25,227 ALL RIGHT, RODENTS. 325 00:11:25,227 --> 00:11:27,329 MAC AND CHEESE ORANGE, MAC AND CHEESE WHITE, 326 00:11:27,329 --> 00:11:29,198 DINO NUGGET, CHICKEN STARS. 327 00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:32,234 OH, AND FRUIT. 328 00:11:33,302 --> 00:11:35,071 COME HERE. 329 00:11:35,071 --> 00:11:37,473 SO, I FOUND WHERE THEY KEEP THEIR NICE WINE. 330 00:11:37,473 --> 00:11:39,275 LET'S POP ONE AND GET WEIRD. 331 00:11:39,275 --> 00:11:42,111 MEG, WE'RE ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH YOUR FRIENDS. 332 00:11:42,111 --> 00:11:44,380 LET'S HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS FOR A CHANGE. 333 00:11:44,380 --> 00:11:45,915 BERT AND ADELE ARE COOL. 334 00:11:45,915 --> 00:11:47,083 THEY'RE 8. 335 00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:48,851 I'M 8 1/2. 336 00:11:48,851 --> 00:11:50,853 AH! SWEET, ADELE! I'M 31 1/2. 337 00:11:50,853 --> 00:11:53,255 YET ANOTHER THING WE HAVE IN COMMON. 338 00:11:53,255 --> 00:11:56,959 HAVE YOU EVEN TRIED TO GET TO KNOW THEM? 339 00:11:58,594 --> 00:12:00,963 SO, WE'RE ON OUR HONEYMOON IN TULUM... 340 00:12:00,963 --> 00:12:02,932 AND WE'RE TOPLESS THE WHOLE TIME. 341 00:12:02,932 --> 00:12:04,300 E-EVERYONE'S TOPLESS. YEAH. 342 00:12:04,300 --> 00:12:07,269 AND ALL OF A SUDDEN, IT STARTS RAINING OUT OF NOWHERE. 343 00:12:07,269 --> 00:12:09,939 OH! THIS ONE WANTS AVOCADO ALL OF A SUDDEN. 344 00:12:09,939 --> 00:12:11,874 I'M LIKE, "OH, NO." AND SHE -- 345 00:12:11,874 --> 00:12:13,375 ANYWAY, LONG STORY SHORT, 346 00:12:13,375 --> 00:12:15,444 WE JUST END UP MAKING LOVE ALL NIGHT LONG. 347 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:17,913 OKAY. I'M GONNA HIT THE LADIES' ROOM. 348 00:12:17,913 --> 00:12:19,181 OH, OKAY. 349 00:12:19,181 --> 00:12:22,251 WELL, WE'LL JUST WATCH THAT TUCHUS GO. MMM! 350 00:12:23,586 --> 00:12:24,487 KATE! 351 00:12:24,487 --> 00:12:26,188 OH, HI. HI. 352 00:12:26,188 --> 00:12:28,524 IT'S SO NICE SEEING JACKIE SO HAPPY. MM-HMM. 353 00:12:28,524 --> 00:12:31,427 IT'S ONE THING TO HEAR ABOUT HER SUCCESSFUL PICKLE BUSINESS, 354 00:12:31,427 --> 00:12:34,497 BUT TO FIND SOMEONE TO SHARE IT WITH... YEAH. 355 00:12:34,497 --> 00:12:37,199 YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T EVEN CALL IT A BUSINESS. 356 00:12:37,199 --> 00:12:40,002 "PICKLE ME THIS" IS MORE OF AN EMPIRE, SO... YEAH. 357 00:12:40,002 --> 00:12:44,039 AND YOU FOUND YOURSELF A PRETTY SWEET SITUATION, HUH? 358 00:12:44,039 --> 00:12:44,974 RIGHT. 359 00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:46,208 [ LAUGHS ] 360 00:12:46,208 --> 00:12:47,176 WHAT DO YOU MEAN? 361 00:12:47,176 --> 00:12:49,278 OH, COME ON. JACKIE TOLD ME. 362 00:12:50,212 --> 00:12:51,447 SHE MAKES THE MONEY, 363 00:12:51,447 --> 00:12:53,115 AND YOU STAY HOME AND KEEP IT RIGHT AND TIGHT. 364 00:12:53,115 --> 00:12:55,618 HER WORDS, NOT MINE. 365 00:12:55,618 --> 00:12:57,353 THAT'S MY WIFE JOKING. 366 00:12:57,353 --> 00:13:00,222 JOKING, I MEAN, 'CAUSE...I DO THINGS. 367 00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:01,323 I DO THINGS. 368 00:13:01,323 --> 00:13:02,892 I DO IMPORTANT THINGS. 369 00:13:02,892 --> 00:13:04,293 OH, I'M SORRY. 370 00:13:04,293 --> 00:13:05,227 LIKE WHAT? 371 00:13:05,227 --> 00:13:07,096 OH, LIKE WHAT? MM-HMM. 372 00:13:07,096 --> 00:13:09,331 WEL-- WELL, I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE DIDN'T TELL YOU. 373 00:13:09,331 --> 00:13:13,068 I MEAN, LIKE, TODAY I WOKE UP AT 4:15 A.M., 374 00:13:13,068 --> 00:13:14,537 IN THE MORNING... MM-HMM. 375 00:13:14,537 --> 00:13:17,239 ...TO GET UP AND GO AND REATTACH A FLOATING PATELLA 376 00:13:17,239 --> 00:13:19,175 WITH A CADAVER LIGAMENT TO A FAT MAN. 377 00:13:19,175 --> 00:13:22,912 YEP, AND I DID THAT BECAUSE I AM AN ORTHOPEDIC SURGEON 378 00:13:22,912 --> 00:13:24,246 WHO WENT TO STANFORD. 379 00:13:24,246 --> 00:13:25,147 THAT'S RIGHT. 380 00:13:25,147 --> 00:13:26,482 NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 381 00:13:26,482 --> 00:13:28,851 I'VE BEEN NEEDING TO GO PEE FOR THE PAST 10 MINUTES. 382 00:13:28,851 --> 00:13:30,920 SO, YOU KNOW, WHEN I HOLD IT IN... 383 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,922 PEOPLE DIE. 384 00:13:36,492 --> 00:13:38,093 THAT WAS SO AWESOME! 385 00:13:38,093 --> 00:13:39,295 THAT ONE GUY WAS LIKE... 386 00:13:39,295 --> 00:13:40,863 [ IMITATES MACHINE GUN FIRING ] 387 00:13:40,863 --> 00:13:42,298 AND THE OTHER GUY WAS LIKE... 388 00:13:42,298 --> 00:13:44,233 [ IMITATES SWORD CLANGING ] 389 00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:45,868 OH! THAT WAS SO COOL! 390 00:13:45,868 --> 00:13:47,336 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET HERE, 391 00:13:47,336 --> 00:13:50,272 EVEN IF THAT MEANS STUDYING FIVE HOURS EVERY WEEK. 392 00:13:50,272 --> 00:13:52,308 WELL, MAKE SURE AND SCHEDULE SOME "ME" TIME. 393 00:13:52,308 --> 00:13:55,211 I'LL ALWAYS HAVE TIME FOR YOU. 394 00:13:55,211 --> 00:13:55,978 MWAH. 395 00:13:55,978 --> 00:13:57,513 WHOO! COLLEGE! 396 00:13:57,513 --> 00:13:58,614 HEAR THAT? 397 00:13:58,614 --> 00:14:00,916 THE SOUND OF ME CRUSHING IT AS A DAD. 398 00:14:00,916 --> 00:14:03,219 OH, NO, NO. THOSE ARE MINE, TOO. 399 00:14:03,219 --> 00:14:05,854 HILLARY, THREE PLATES OF FRIES? 400 00:14:05,854 --> 00:14:06,622 SWEETHEART? 401 00:14:06,622 --> 00:14:08,290 WHO CARES? 402 00:14:08,290 --> 00:14:09,892 HEY, SWEETIE, HOW WAS SCIENCE... 403 00:14:09,892 --> 00:14:11,293 MY LIFE IS OVER! 404 00:14:11,293 --> 00:14:12,361 WHOOP. 405 00:14:13,429 --> 00:14:15,231 ...CAMP. 406 00:14:15,231 --> 00:14:16,565 HOW DO I PUT THIS? 407 00:14:16,565 --> 00:14:19,301 IS AUNT PERIOD IN TOWN? 408 00:14:19,301 --> 00:14:20,436 OH, PETER, IT WAS AWFUL. 409 00:14:20,436 --> 00:14:22,004 FOR THE FIRST TIME IN OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE, 410 00:14:22,004 --> 00:14:23,539 SHE WASN'T THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THE ROOM, 411 00:14:23,539 --> 00:14:25,374 AND THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO TO HELP HER. 412 00:14:25,374 --> 00:14:27,142 DID YOU TALK TO HER? WHAT DID YOU SAY? 413 00:14:27,142 --> 00:14:28,911 I FROZE UP. 414 00:14:28,911 --> 00:14:30,546 I TRIED TO DRAW ON PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, 415 00:14:30,546 --> 00:14:33,015 BUT THE ONLY FAILURE I COULD THINK OF IN THE MOMENT 416 00:14:33,015 --> 00:14:34,149 WAS MY INABILITY TO ORGASM 417 00:14:34,149 --> 00:14:36,185 DURING THE LATTER PART OF OUR MARRIAGE, 418 00:14:36,185 --> 00:14:38,087 WHICH IS, OF COURSE, REALLY YOUR FAILURE. 419 00:14:38,087 --> 00:14:39,455 I NEVER HAD A CHANCE. 420 00:14:39,455 --> 00:14:41,523 YOU KEPT SWATTING MY HAND AWAY SAYING, "WHAT'S YOUR PLAN? 421 00:14:41,523 --> 00:14:43,092 YOU HAVE NO PLAN." 422 00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:44,260 I JUST WISH I HAD TAUGHT HER 423 00:14:44,260 --> 00:14:46,061 THAT IT WAS OKAY TO BE SECOND-BEST. 424 00:14:47,630 --> 00:14:50,366 WELL, I MEAN, IT'S NOT ALL PICKLES. IT'S BEETS, IT'S RELISH. 425 00:14:50,366 --> 00:14:52,968 YOU KNOW, BUT I'M KIND OF THINKING OF GETTING INTO THE CHUTNEY GAME. 426 00:14:52,968 --> 00:14:54,236 EXCUSE ME. JACKIE. 427 00:14:54,236 --> 00:14:55,604 OH, HEY, SUGAR BOOBIES. WHERE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE? 428 00:14:55,604 --> 00:14:57,006 KIDDING. WE'RE MARRIED. 429 00:14:57,006 --> 00:14:58,474 I BAGGED THIS HOT, LITTLE -- OW! 430 00:14:58,474 --> 00:15:01,143 OW! THAT'S HOW I LIKE IT -- ROUGH. JACKIE, ENOUGH. 431 00:15:01,143 --> 00:15:03,245 I DO YOU A FAVOR, AND YOU GO AROUND TELLING PEOPLE 432 00:15:03,245 --> 00:15:04,313 THAT I'M JUST YOUR ARM CANDY? 433 00:15:04,313 --> 00:15:05,447 DO YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL? 434 00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,616 I HAD TO TELL MARCY THAT I WAS A SURGEON. 435 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,219 OOH! AAH! I WISH YOU HAD KINDA CLEARED THAT WITH ME FIRST. 436 00:15:10,219 --> 00:15:12,521 IT'S NOT REALLY GONNA JIVE WITH THE STORIES I'VE BEEN TELLING. 437 00:15:12,521 --> 00:15:13,856 DON'T KNOW TOO MANY DOCTORS 438 00:15:13,856 --> 00:15:15,457 THAT WOULD SLAP A TOLL-BOOTH OPERATOR. 439 00:15:15,457 --> 00:15:16,492 HMM. WHAT? 440 00:15:16,492 --> 00:15:18,227 JACKIE, YOU COULD'VE MADE ME ANYONE. 441 00:15:18,227 --> 00:15:19,361 WHAT ABOUT A CAREER WOMAN? 442 00:15:19,361 --> 00:15:20,529 OH, MAN. WHAT? WHY? WHAT? WHAT? 443 00:15:20,529 --> 00:15:22,131 YOU DON'T THINK PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT? 444 00:15:22,131 --> 00:15:23,999 HEY, GIRL, WHEN I GO TO YOUR REUNION, 445 00:15:23,999 --> 00:15:25,534 I'LL BE ANY KIND OF WIFE YOU WANT, 446 00:15:25,534 --> 00:15:29,271 SO JUST RELAX, HAVE A DRINK, AND KEEP LOOKING SO DAMN PRETTY. 447 00:15:29,271 --> 00:15:30,439 KNOW WHAT I MEAN? 448 00:15:30,439 --> 00:15:31,373 UNBELIEVABLE. 449 00:15:31,373 --> 00:15:33,275 WHAT? THAT WAS A COMPLIMENT. 450 00:15:33,275 --> 00:15:34,476 [ SIGHS ] 451 00:15:34,476 --> 00:15:36,345 WOMEN, HUH? UGH. 452 00:15:36,345 --> 00:15:39,315 YOU CAN'T -- OKAY. 453 00:15:41,470 --> 00:15:43,519 KATE, WAIT! 454 00:15:43,519 --> 00:15:46,388 LOOK, I'M SORRY WHAT I SAID ABOUT YOU. 455 00:15:46,388 --> 00:15:48,257 ALL RIGHT, I'LL TELL EVERYONE THAT YOU'RE A DOCTOR. 456 00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:51,160 OH! THAT YOU WERE VOTED HOTTEST SURGEON IN GOOD DOCTOR MAGAZINE. 457 00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,594 THAT'S THE PROBLEM, JACKIE. 458 00:15:52,594 --> 00:15:53,896 I'M NOT A SURGEON, OKAY? 459 00:15:53,896 --> 00:15:55,030 I DON'T EVEN WORK. 460 00:15:55,030 --> 00:15:56,265 I GO TO YOGA TWICE A WEEK 461 00:15:56,265 --> 00:15:58,467 AND I SOMETIMES STILL HAVE BERT MAKE ME DINNER. 462 00:15:58,467 --> 00:16:00,602 SO? WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? 463 00:16:00,602 --> 00:16:02,338 I DIDN'T FINISH COLLEGE, OKAY? 464 00:16:02,338 --> 00:16:05,407 AND THIS MORNING I LIED TO DIANE AND I TOLD HER THAT I DID. 465 00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:08,277 SO YOU TOLD ONE LITTLE LIE ABOUT COLLEGE. 466 00:16:08,277 --> 00:16:09,978 BIG WHOOP. HA! 467 00:16:09,978 --> 00:16:12,114 I TRICKED YOU INTO BEING MY WIFE, 468 00:16:12,114 --> 00:16:14,917 AND I JUST INVITED 10 PEOPLE TO COME TOUR MY PICKLE FACTORY. 469 00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:16,985 BUT THAT'S THE POINT, JACKIE. 470 00:16:16,985 --> 00:16:20,255 I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LIE ABOUT GOING TO COLLEGE 471 00:16:20,255 --> 00:16:21,390 OR BEING A DOCTOR. 472 00:16:21,390 --> 00:16:23,492 I WANT TO ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING. 473 00:16:23,492 --> 00:16:24,927 RIGHT ON! 474 00:16:24,927 --> 00:16:26,428 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULDN'T LIE, EITHER. 475 00:16:26,428 --> 00:16:29,398 BECAUSE YOUR REAL LIFE IS LIKE A HUNDRED TIMES MORE INTERESTING 476 00:16:29,398 --> 00:16:31,133 THAN ANYBODY ELSE'S IN THERE. 477 00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:32,401 YEAH. YOU'RE RIGHT. 478 00:16:32,401 --> 00:16:34,036 I AM AMAZING. 479 00:16:34,036 --> 00:16:35,537 I'M A GREAT, STRAIGHT, SINGLE LADY 480 00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:38,207 WITH A BOUTIQUE PICKLE BUSINESS THAT FITS RIGHT IN MY TRUNK. 481 00:16:38,207 --> 00:16:39,308 YEAH! 482 00:16:39,308 --> 00:16:41,243 IT WAS REALLY NICE BEING THE COOL GIRL 483 00:16:41,243 --> 00:16:42,911 AT THE PARTY, THOUGH, FOR ONCE. 484 00:16:42,911 --> 00:16:44,880 YOU KNOW WHAT -- YOU ARE WAY COOLER 485 00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,615 THAN YOU GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR, J-BIRD. 486 00:16:46,615 --> 00:16:47,549 YEAH? 487 00:16:47,549 --> 00:16:48,851 YEAH. AWW. 488 00:16:48,851 --> 00:16:50,319 COME ON, LET'S GET OUTTA HERE. 489 00:16:50,319 --> 00:16:51,053 YEAH. 490 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:52,988 OH, NO, JACKIE! 491 00:16:52,988 --> 00:16:54,390 OKAY, I GOT TO BE HONEST WITH YOU. 492 00:16:54,390 --> 00:16:56,191 YOU'RE JUST SENDING ME MIXED SIGNALS ALL NIGHT. 493 00:16:56,191 --> 00:16:58,627 HAVE I? YEAH. 494 00:16:58,627 --> 00:17:00,162 HIL, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? 495 00:17:00,162 --> 00:17:02,197 YOU'RE THE SMARTEST PERSON I'VE EVER MET. [ SCOFFS ] 496 00:17:02,197 --> 00:17:04,533 IN A YEAR, YOU'RE GONNA BLOW ALL THOSE KIDS OUT OF THE WATER. 497 00:17:04,533 --> 00:17:07,002 REALLY? LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I KNOW. 498 00:17:07,002 --> 00:17:09,071 THAT GIRL CAN DO ANYTHING SHE PUTS HER MIND TO. 499 00:17:09,071 --> 00:17:12,074 THAT GIRL IS BRILLIANT, ALTHOUGH SHE MAY NOT ALWAYS REALIZE IT. 500 00:17:12,074 --> 00:17:14,376 THAT GIRL'S MY HERO. 501 00:17:14,376 --> 00:17:15,344 THANKS, WARREN. 502 00:17:15,344 --> 00:17:16,445 OH, DON'T INTERRUPT ME. 503 00:17:16,445 --> 00:17:17,980 THAT GIRL WON THE HUNGER GAMES. 504 00:17:17,980 --> 00:17:20,048 WAIT. KATNISS? 505 00:17:20,048 --> 00:17:21,183 OH, YEAH! KATNISS. 506 00:17:21,183 --> 00:17:23,018 YEAH, I KNEW HER NAME STARTED WITH A "K." 507 00:17:23,018 --> 00:17:25,053 HA. SHE'S SO HOT. YOU'RE PRETTY COOL YOURSELF. 508 00:17:25,053 --> 00:17:26,622 HEY, SWEETIE, YOU DOING BETTER? 509 00:17:26,622 --> 00:17:28,891 YEAH. YOU GUYS ARE GOOD? 510 00:17:28,891 --> 00:17:30,959 HEY, CAN WE GO TO THE "KILL BILL" SCREENING AT THE STUDENT CENTER? 511 00:17:30,959 --> 00:17:32,027 AH, YEAH. CAN WE? 512 00:17:32,027 --> 00:17:33,328 YEAH, SURE. SURE. HAVE FUN. 513 00:17:33,328 --> 00:17:34,997 REALLY? OKAY. AWESOME. LET'S GO. 514 00:17:34,997 --> 00:17:37,332 OH, GRAB THE FRIES AND THE KETCHUP. OH. AAH! 515 00:17:37,332 --> 00:17:38,634 LET'S GO. BYE, YOU GUYS. 516 00:17:38,634 --> 00:17:40,235 LOVE YOU. 517 00:17:41,303 --> 00:17:42,905 WE'VE GOT GOOD KIDS. 518 00:17:42,905 --> 00:17:44,239 YEAH, WE DO. 519 00:17:44,239 --> 00:17:47,009 I WISH THEY HAD LEFT THE FRIES. THIS IS MY CHEAT DAY. 520 00:17:48,877 --> 00:17:50,212 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 521 00:17:50,212 --> 00:17:53,916 I'M TAKING A QUIZ TO SEE WHAT KIND OF LOVER I AM. 522 00:17:53,916 --> 00:17:55,984 AND ALL SIGNS POINT TO... 523 00:17:57,085 --> 00:17:58,620 OOH. THAT IS A GROWN-UP WORD. 524 00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,923 TEVIN: BOOM! EAT FEATHER. 525 00:18:00,923 --> 00:18:02,024 I NEED A BREAK. 526 00:18:02,024 --> 00:18:04,259 MEG, PLEASE HELP ME IN THE KITCHEN. 527 00:18:04,259 --> 00:18:05,093 OKAY. 528 00:18:05,093 --> 00:18:06,495 ADELE, TAG IN. 529 00:18:07,930 --> 00:18:10,466 LIFT ME UP. 530 00:18:10,466 --> 00:18:12,601 [ GRUNTS ] 531 00:18:12,601 --> 00:18:15,871 YOU HAVE GOT TO GET TEVIN OUT OF HERE. 532 00:18:15,871 --> 00:18:16,605 WHAT? WHY? 533 00:18:16,605 --> 00:18:18,173 HE'S TAKING OVER EVERYTHING. 534 00:18:18,173 --> 00:18:20,409 IT WAS FUN WHEN HE BURPED THE FIRST 10 TIMES, 535 00:18:20,409 --> 00:18:23,912 BUT NOW THE WHOLE HOUSE SMELLS LIKE WHITE CHEDDAR POPCORN. 536 00:18:23,912 --> 00:18:25,981 OH, MAN, BUT HE'S HAVING SO MUCH WITH YOU GUYS. 537 00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:27,416 AND I'M ALWAYS THE BAD GUY. 538 00:18:27,416 --> 00:18:30,085 THIS ONE'S ON YOU, BUDDY. 539 00:18:30,085 --> 00:18:31,420 [ GROANS ] 540 00:18:36,592 --> 00:18:37,960 I'M OKAY. 541 00:18:40,896 --> 00:18:41,964 KATE. 542 00:18:41,964 --> 00:18:43,432 I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, 543 00:18:43,432 --> 00:18:45,934 BUT I'VE GOT THIS CLICK IN MY KNEE 544 00:18:45,934 --> 00:18:47,469 THAT REALLY ONLY BUGS ME WHEN I'M PLAYING TENNIS. 545 00:18:47,469 --> 00:18:48,537 CAN YOU TAKE A LOOK AT IT? 546 00:18:49,605 --> 00:18:51,640 MARCY, WHAT IS IT YOU DO FOR A LIVING? 547 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,042 UM, I'M AN I.T. PROJECT MANAGER. 548 00:18:54,042 --> 00:18:55,310 UGH. 549 00:18:55,310 --> 00:18:58,914 WELL, I WOULDN'T ASK YOU TO PROJECT-MANAGE MY I.T. 550 00:18:58,914 --> 00:19:00,082 AT A PARTY, YOU KNOW? 551 00:19:00,082 --> 00:19:01,149 SO, I DON'T THINK SO. 552 00:19:01,149 --> 00:19:02,985 AND, PLUS, STOP FLIRTING WITH ME, OKAY? 553 00:19:02,985 --> 00:19:04,419 I'M TAKEN. [ CHUCKLES ] 554 00:19:04,419 --> 00:19:07,623 OH. HI. JACKIE, I THOUGHT YOU WERE PULLING THE CAR AROUND. 555 00:19:07,623 --> 00:19:08,957 I WAS, BUT YOU HAVE THE KEYS. 556 00:19:08,957 --> 00:19:10,893 OH. 557 00:19:10,893 --> 00:19:12,961 PLUS, THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY TO HER. 558 00:19:12,961 --> 00:19:14,596 WHAT? 559 00:19:14,596 --> 00:19:17,266 MARCY, WHEN WE WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL, 560 00:19:17,266 --> 00:19:19,501 YOU WERE REALLY MEAN TO ME, AND SO I DECIDED -- 561 00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:21,069 HONEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 562 00:19:21,069 --> 00:19:22,204 SORRY. 563 00:19:22,204 --> 00:19:23,272 I WANT TO DANCE. 564 00:19:23,272 --> 00:19:24,239 THIS IS OUR SONG. 565 00:19:24,239 --> 00:19:25,374 I DON'T KNOW THIS SONG. SHH-SHH. 566 00:19:25,374 --> 00:19:27,209 JUST PUT YOUR HAND ON MY ASS AND PRETEND. 567 00:19:27,209 --> 00:19:28,010 OH. 568 00:19:28,010 --> 00:19:29,478 WHY DID YOU DO THAT? 569 00:19:29,478 --> 00:19:30,979 BECAUSE MARCY'S A DONKEY 570 00:19:30,979 --> 00:19:33,916 AND I WANT TO DANCE WITH THE COOL GIRL AT THE PARTY. 571 00:19:33,916 --> 00:19:36,985 OH! THANK YOU, KATE! 572 00:19:36,985 --> 00:19:38,487 OH! 573 00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:42,024 BERT: THERE ARE SO MANY STAGES IN LIFE -- 574 00:19:42,024 --> 00:19:44,626 KID, OLDER KID, GROWN-UP. 575 00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:47,362 EACH ONE IS SPECIAL. 576 00:19:49,531 --> 00:19:52,134 IT'S FUN TO LOOK BACK ON THE PERSON YOU WERE... 577 00:19:56,038 --> 00:19:58,941 ...AND REMEMBER WHO YOU WANTED TO BE. 578 00:20:01,043 --> 00:20:03,011 BUT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD, TOO, 579 00:20:03,011 --> 00:20:06,415 BECAUSE MOST OF THE TIME, YOU DON'T EVEN REALIZE 580 00:20:06,415 --> 00:20:09,217 YOU'RE READY TO MOVE ON TO THE NEXT CHAPTER 581 00:20:09,217 --> 00:20:11,153 UNTIL YOU'RE ALREADY THERE. 582 00:20:11,153 --> 00:20:12,921 I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS, 583 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:16,358 I THINK YOU NEED TO FIND FRIENDS YOUR OWN AGE. 584 00:20:16,358 --> 00:20:17,192 [ SCOFFS ] 585 00:20:17,192 --> 00:20:20,195 FINE. WHATEVER! 586 00:20:20,195 --> 00:20:21,363 [ SNIFFLES ] 587 00:20:21,363 --> 00:20:23,198 YOU SUCK AT BURPING. 588 00:20:25,434 --> 00:20:26,401 BARRY WHITE! 589 00:20:26,401 --> 00:20:27,903 WHAT A BABY. 590 00:20:28,971 --> 00:20:31,540 UGH. IT'S 9:15. 591 00:20:31,540 --> 00:20:34,476 I AM GONNA BE USELESS TOMORROW. 592 00:20:34,476 --> 00:20:36,011 [ GROANS ] 593 00:20:41,116 --> 00:20:42,584 SHOULD WE WAKE THEM UP? 594 00:20:42,584 --> 00:20:43,919 OH, IT'S 2:00 IN THE AFTERNOON. 595 00:20:43,919 --> 00:20:45,320 I'M SURE THEY'VE GOTTEN THEIR EIGHT HOURS. 596 00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:47,122 [ WHISTLES ] GOOD MORNING! 597 00:20:47,122 --> 00:20:48,423 IS IT TOMORROW NOW? 598 00:20:48,423 --> 00:20:50,092 TWO QUESTIONS. 599 00:20:50,092 --> 00:20:51,426 MAYBE MORE. 600 00:20:51,426 --> 00:20:53,095 HOW ARE YOU STILL SLEEPING? 601 00:20:53,095 --> 00:20:54,963 AND WHY ARE YOU WEARING OUR PAJAMAS? 602 00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:56,031 OH, LOUD! 603 00:20:56,031 --> 00:20:58,033 MEG, I TOLD YOU TO SLEEP ON THE PULLOUT. 604 00:20:58,033 --> 00:20:59,601 WELL, IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, 605 00:20:59,601 --> 00:21:02,170 WE DIDN'T DO MUCH SLEEPING, AND WE DEFINITELY DIDN'T PULL -- 606 00:21:02,170 --> 00:21:03,271 OKAY, OUT! 607 00:21:03,271 --> 00:21:05,040 OUT OF THE BED SO WE CAN BURN THESE SHEETS. 608 00:21:05,040 --> 00:21:07,309 WHY AREN'T YOU MOVING? WHY AREN'T THEY MOVING? 609 00:21:07,309 --> 00:21:09,111 LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. 610 00:21:09,111 --> 00:21:11,980 YOU SHOULD ONLY BE HALF MAD AT US FOR WEARING YOUR PAJAMAS. 611 00:21:11,980 --> 00:21:13,582 OKAY. OKAY. I'M OUT. I'M OUT. 612 00:21:13,582 --> 00:21:16,118 GET OUT! 613 00:21:16,118 --> 00:21:18,587 UM, THERE IS THE MATTER OF OUR PAYMENT? 614 00:21:20,055 --> 00:21:21,890 NOT A GOOD TIME. GOTCHA. 615 00:21:21,890 --> 00:21:23,291 WE'LL TALK AFTER BREAKFAST.