1 00:00:01,144 --> 00:00:02,312 ♪ BA, BA ♪ 2 00:00:02,312 --> 00:00:04,347 "LOUIEP" IS NOT A WORD. 3 00:00:04,347 --> 00:00:07,514 NO, LOUIE P. IN HONOR OF THE RESTAURANT LOUIS'S PLACE. 4 00:00:07,514 --> 00:00:08,815 AWW. THAT'S WHERE WE HAD OUR FIRST DATE. 5 00:00:08,815 --> 00:00:09,850 YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S SILLY. 6 00:00:09,850 --> 00:00:11,018 I'LL JUST -- I'LL TAKE IT OFF. 7 00:00:11,018 --> 00:00:13,653 NO! NO, KEEP IT. IT'S SWEET. I LIKE IT. 8 00:00:13,653 --> 00:00:16,556 OKAY, UH, "P" IS DOUBLE-LETTER SCORE, 9 00:00:16,556 --> 00:00:18,525 PLUS A TRIPLE-LETTER WORD IS 42. 10 00:00:18,525 --> 00:00:19,659 [ DOOR OPENS ] WHAT JUST HAPPENED? 11 00:00:19,659 --> 00:00:21,595 [ SCREAMING ] 12 00:00:21,595 --> 00:00:22,764 QUIET. OH, LIGHTEN UP. 13 00:00:22,764 --> 00:00:24,565 HE JUST REALLY LIKES BEDTIME. 14 00:00:24,565 --> 00:00:25,800 [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 15 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:30,872 "QUIET" FOR 37 POINTS, AND HE DUMPS THE TOXIC "Q." MM. 16 00:00:30,872 --> 00:00:33,007 [ SCREAMING CONTINUES ] ALL RIGHT. 17 00:00:33,007 --> 00:00:34,742 HEY, BUDDY. YOU ALL RIGHT? 18 00:00:34,742 --> 00:00:37,578 I READ MY BOOK -- MY 100TH BOOK! 19 00:00:37,578 --> 00:00:38,913 AND YOU AND MOM SAID 20 00:00:38,913 --> 00:00:42,917 IF I READ A HUNDRED BOOKS IN [PANTS] A YEAR, 21 00:00:42,917 --> 00:00:45,686 I COULD HAVE ANY KIND OF BIRTHDAY PARTY I WANTED. 22 00:00:45,686 --> 00:00:47,622 THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I'D DO. 23 00:00:47,622 --> 00:00:49,624 YOU EVEN DREW UP A CONTRACT. 24 00:00:49,624 --> 00:00:51,659 OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU WOULD DO. 25 00:00:51,659 --> 00:00:55,830 "IF BERT READS A 100 BOOKS IN A YEAR, 26 00:00:55,830 --> 00:00:57,765 HE CAN HAVE ANY BIRTHDAY HE WANTS." 27 00:00:57,765 --> 00:00:59,100 THAT'S AIRTIGHT. 28 00:00:59,100 --> 00:01:01,502 I COULD HAVE BEEN OUTSIDE, PLAYING AND RUNNING. 29 00:01:01,502 --> 00:01:04,539 BUT INSTEAD I WAS INSIDE, READING AND EATING. 30 00:01:04,539 --> 00:01:05,840 AND IT WAS ALL WORTH IT! 31 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:10,879 [ GIGGLING ] 32 00:01:10,879 --> 00:01:13,882 ♪♪♪ 33 00:01:21,056 --> 00:01:23,058 OKAY, GUYS, WE'RE HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON. 34 00:01:23,058 --> 00:01:25,060 WE HAVE NOT WON A GAME. 35 00:01:25,060 --> 00:01:28,697 WE DO LEAD THE LEAGUE IN GOALS. 36 00:01:28,697 --> 00:01:30,532 YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! 37 00:01:30,532 --> 00:01:32,601 ALL OF WHICH WE HAVE SCORED ON OURSELVES. 38 00:01:32,601 --> 00:01:33,702 I'M GONNA TALK TO YOU LIKE ADULTS -- 39 00:01:33,702 --> 00:01:35,604 THERE'S NO WAY WE'RE GONNA BEAT THE CAMELS TODAY, 40 00:01:35,604 --> 00:01:37,039 BUT I HAVE A PLAN. 41 00:01:37,039 --> 00:01:38,607 IF WE DON'T TOUCH THE BALL, 42 00:01:38,607 --> 00:01:40,142 WE HAVE A CHANCE OF TIEING THE CAMELS. 43 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,477 YAY! YAY! YAY! YAY! 44 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,145 KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING? SO, LET'S BRING IT IN! BRING IT IN. 45 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,013 [ ALL BUZZING ] 46 00:01:45,013 --> 00:01:47,149 [ LAUGHTER ] 47 00:01:47,149 --> 00:01:50,586 WARM IT UP, WARM IT UP! STRETCH IT OUT, STRETCH IT OUT! 48 00:01:50,586 --> 00:01:52,555 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ] [ WHISTLE BLOWS ] 49 00:01:52,555 --> 00:01:54,224 EXACTLY. YEAH. HEY. 50 00:01:54,224 --> 00:01:56,559 OH. GREAT GAME, HUH? 51 00:01:56,559 --> 00:01:57,594 OH, YEAH. IT'S GREAT. OH, THE GREATEST. 52 00:01:57,594 --> 00:01:58,661 IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. SURE. NICE. PRETTY GOOD. 53 00:01:58,661 --> 00:01:59,963 IT SHOULD MAKE THE HIGHLIGHT REEL. RIGHT. 54 00:01:59,963 --> 00:02:01,965 CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALREADY HALFWAY THROUGH THE SEASON. 55 00:02:01,965 --> 00:02:03,500 AH! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. WHAT? 56 00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:04,601 YEAH. TIME FLIES. 57 00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:08,505 OH, I'LL JUST, UH... 58 00:02:08,505 --> 00:02:09,506 YEAH. 59 00:02:09,506 --> 00:02:10,840 OH. DONNIE HAS THE BALL. 60 00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:12,108 OH! HE DOES! OH, MY GOD. 61 00:02:12,108 --> 00:02:13,610 HE'S DOING SO GREAT. HE'S DOING VERY WELL. 62 00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:14,744 HE'S GOING TO CAMP, HONESTLY. SO GOOD. IT'S SO GOOD. 63 00:02:14,744 --> 00:02:16,513 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. NICE CHATTING WITH YOU. 64 00:02:16,513 --> 00:02:17,480 OH, BYE. BYE. BYE. BYE. 65 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:18,815 GOOD TO SEE YOU. TA-TA. 66 00:02:18,815 --> 00:02:20,550 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATION ] 67 00:02:23,620 --> 00:02:24,787 THOSE OTHER MOMS KEEP ICING ME OUT. 68 00:02:24,787 --> 00:02:26,156 I TRIED TO SIT ON THEIR STUPID BLANKET, 69 00:02:26,156 --> 00:02:27,257 AND THEY PURSE-CHECKED ME. 70 00:02:27,257 --> 00:02:29,492 WELL, WHAT DO YOU NEED THEM FOR? YOU GOT ME. 71 00:02:29,492 --> 00:02:31,594 WELL, I JUST GET BORED SOMETIMES WHEN YOU'RE AT WORK 72 00:02:31,594 --> 00:02:32,695 AND THE KIDS ARE AT SCHOOL. 73 00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:34,597 YOU KNOW, IT WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE SOME MOM FRIENDS 74 00:02:34,597 --> 00:02:35,598 TO HANG OUT WITH. 75 00:02:35,598 --> 00:02:37,768 HEY, JOEY! HANDS OUT OF YOUR BUTT! 76 00:02:37,768 --> 00:02:38,903 I WISH I COULD JUST BREAK THE ICE 77 00:02:38,903 --> 00:02:41,505 AND SHOW THEM HOW FUN I AM, YOU KNOW? 78 00:02:41,505 --> 00:02:42,740 THEY WOULD TOTALLY WANT TO BE MY FRIEND. 79 00:02:42,740 --> 00:02:44,108 GREAT HUSTLE, BERTIE! AAH. GOD. 80 00:02:44,108 --> 00:02:45,609 TELL HIM I WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME. 81 00:02:45,609 --> 00:02:46,710 UH, WHERE YOU BEEN? 82 00:02:46,710 --> 00:02:48,045 UH, I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH BERT'S PARTY. 83 00:02:48,045 --> 00:02:49,780 I'M SO STRESSED-OUT I ACCIDENTALLY 84 00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:51,649 BRUSHED MY TEETH WITH VASELINE THIS MORNING. 85 00:02:51,649 --> 00:02:54,985 NOW I CAN'T HOLD A SMILE FOR MORE THAN A SECOND. 86 00:02:54,985 --> 00:02:56,820 YOU KNOW, JACKIE, I'D -- 87 00:02:56,820 --> 00:02:59,723 I'D BE HAPPY TO TAKE OVER THE PLANNING FOR BERT'S BIRTHDAY. 88 00:02:59,723 --> 00:03:01,158 WOW! REALLY? YEAH. 89 00:03:01,158 --> 00:03:02,493 REALLY? H-HOW DOES HE DO IT, BERT?! 90 00:03:02,493 --> 00:03:04,028 I'VE BEEN HERE! SERIOUSLY? 91 00:03:04,028 --> 00:03:06,230 YEAH, YEAH. I'D -- I'D BE REALLY HAPPY TO DO IT. WHAT? 92 00:03:06,230 --> 00:03:07,698 NO. THAT WOULD BE SUCH A LOAD OFF. [ CHUCKLES ] 93 00:03:07,698 --> 00:03:09,066 OH! 94 00:03:09,066 --> 00:03:11,068 HEY, IS THAT SUPERMAN, 95 00:03:11,068 --> 00:03:13,204 OR IS THAT MY SON, BERT HARRISON? 96 00:03:13,204 --> 00:03:15,539 I THINK IT'S MY SON. IT'S MY SON. 97 00:03:16,974 --> 00:03:19,710 OKAY, SO, WHAT'S THE PLAN FOR YOUR PARTY? 98 00:03:19,710 --> 00:03:23,582 SO, I WAS THINKING CHOCOLATE   AND VANILLA ICE CREAM. 99 00:03:23,582 --> 00:03:26,184 OKAY. AND...? NAPKINS? 100 00:03:26,184 --> 00:03:28,711 YOU READ A HUNDRED BOOKS, MAN! 101 00:03:28,711 --> 00:03:30,279 YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, ALL RIGHT? 102 00:03:30,279 --> 00:03:31,789 YOU DESERVE A PARTY SO IMPRESSIVE 103 00:03:31,789 --> 00:03:32,724 THAT PEOPLE ARE GONNA THINK, 104 00:03:32,724 --> 00:03:35,393 "WOW, HOW DID HIS STEPMOM PULL IT OFF?" 105 00:03:35,393 --> 00:03:37,161 [ CHUCKLES ] AND YOU'RE GONNA BE LIKE, 106 00:03:37,161 --> 00:03:38,396 "I DON'T KNOW. SHE'S JUST AMAZING." 107 00:03:38,396 --> 00:03:39,731 AND SO YOUR PARTY. 108 00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:42,267 YOU'RE RIGHT, SO LET'S GET STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM, TOO. 109 00:03:42,267 --> 00:03:44,202 BUT THEN WE SHOULD JUST GET NEAPOLITAN. 110 00:03:44,202 --> 00:03:45,870 OKAY, THINK BIG. YOU NEED A THEME. 111 00:03:45,870 --> 00:03:47,296 WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE BOOK? "LITTLE WOMEN." 112 00:03:47,296 --> 00:03:48,665 FAVORITE MOVIE? 113 00:03:48,665 --> 00:03:50,400 "ALADDIN." BOOM -- THERE IT IS. 114 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,001 THERE'S YOUR THEME, ALL RIGHT? 115 00:03:52,001 --> 00:03:54,404 CAVE OF WONDERS, PILLOWS AND RUGS, 116 00:03:54,404 --> 00:03:56,072 GENIE LAMPS, A HORSE. 117 00:03:56,072 --> 00:04:00,510 A HORSE AND ICE CREAM? [ SIGHING ] OH, MY GOD. 118 00:04:00,510 --> 00:04:01,944 OKAY, LET'S TALK GUEST LIST. 119 00:04:01,944 --> 00:04:04,480 OBVIOUSLY, YOU WANT YOUR SOCCER TEAM HERE AND THEIR MOMS. 120 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:05,983 [ CHUCKLES ] WHO ELSE? ANYONE? 121 00:04:05,983 --> 00:04:06,969 ANYONE? 122 00:04:06,969 --> 00:04:08,004 A HUNDRED BOOKS. CHRIS HARRISON. 123 00:04:08,004 --> 00:04:10,180 YOUR DAD'S COUSIN WITH THE LITTLE ARM? 124 00:04:10,180 --> 00:04:12,816 NO, THE HOST OF "THE BACHELOR." WHY HIM? 125 00:04:12,816 --> 00:04:14,451 I WANT HIM TO BRING MY MOM A ROSE. 126 00:04:14,451 --> 00:04:15,852 AWW. 127 00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:20,190 ♪♪♪ 128 00:04:20,190 --> 00:04:22,292 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BERT. WELCOME. HUMMUS? 129 00:04:22,292 --> 00:04:24,861 HELLS YEAH! 130 00:04:24,861 --> 00:04:28,465 OUT! OUT! STICKY, MESSY CHILDREN OUTSIDE. 131 00:04:28,465 --> 00:04:30,433 PETE, PETE, IT'S A PARTY. WE'LL CLEAN UP AFTER. 132 00:04:30,433 --> 00:04:33,036 OR YOU COULD JUST NOT SERVE DIP TO 8-YEAR-OLDS. 133 00:04:33,036 --> 00:04:34,304 WHAT'S THIS? KEBOBS? 134 00:04:34,304 --> 00:04:36,206 REALLY, KATE. YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST HAND THEM SWORDS. 135 00:04:36,206 --> 00:04:37,974 YOU KNOW, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO COME, DIANE. 136 00:04:37,974 --> 00:04:40,377 [ CHUCKLES ] OH, I WOULDN'T MISS BERT'S BIRTHDAY. 137 00:04:40,377 --> 00:04:41,745 I'D DO ANYTHING FOR THAT LITTLE BOY. 138 00:04:41,745 --> 00:04:42,779 GREAT. YOU KNOW WHAT? 139 00:04:42,779 --> 00:04:45,215 YOU CAN PUT THE CAKE OUT ON THE TABLE. 140 00:04:45,215 --> 00:04:46,950 I DON'T RECALL TWO NAKED MEN OILED UP 141 00:04:46,950 --> 00:04:48,852 AND WRESTLING WITH A UNICORN IN "ALADDIN." 142 00:04:48,852 --> 00:04:50,154 WHAT? I-- IT'S -- 143 00:04:50,154 --> 00:04:52,189 NO. OH, MY GOD. WHO WOULD WANT THIS? 144 00:04:52,189 --> 00:04:54,792 I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF OCCASION WOULD THIS BE FOR? 145 00:04:54,792 --> 00:04:56,894 COOL, THAT DUDE'S GOT A NIPPLE RING. 146 00:04:56,894 --> 00:04:57,995 OH, FOR GOD'S SAKES. 147 00:04:57,995 --> 00:04:59,196 GOD, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TAKE THIS BACK TO THE BAKERY. 148 00:04:59,196 --> 00:05:01,365 OKAY, I WILL TAKE IT TO THE BAKERY. 149 00:05:01,365 --> 00:05:02,733 THIS IS ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE. 150 00:05:02,733 --> 00:05:03,834 THANK YOU. MOVE YOUR GIRTH. YES. 151 00:05:03,834 --> 00:05:06,737 MEAT LOLLIPOP! HEY, JEREMY, CATCH! 152 00:05:06,737 --> 00:05:10,074 NO! OUT. OUT! 153 00:05:10,074 --> 00:05:12,910 PETE. GREAT. MY NEW SHIRT. 154 00:05:12,910 --> 00:05:14,178 HEY, PETE. PETE! 155 00:05:14,178 --> 00:05:15,947 MAYBE -- MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST GO WITH DIANE, OKAY? 156 00:05:15,947 --> 00:05:17,448 JUST TAKE A BREAK. 157 00:05:17,448 --> 00:05:19,016 NO. NO, NO, NO. I'M AFRAID THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE A HEART ATTACK. 158 00:05:19,016 --> 00:05:20,918 YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT. 159 00:05:20,918 --> 00:05:23,354 PROTECT OUR HOME. WILL DO. 160 00:05:25,189 --> 00:05:26,924 OH, HI, LADIES. 161 00:05:26,924 --> 00:05:28,426 HI, I'M SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT. 162 00:05:28,426 --> 00:05:31,529 HI. HOW ARE YOU? GREAT TO SEE YOU. WOW! YOU! 163 00:05:31,529 --> 00:05:33,030 YEAH, YEAH, WHAT A LOVELY HOME. 164 00:05:33,030 --> 00:05:33,998 LOVELY HOME. MM. 165 00:05:33,998 --> 00:05:35,233 YEAH. THANK YOU. 166 00:05:35,233 --> 00:05:37,069 AND WHAT A LOVELY YARD. LOVELY YARD. 167 00:05:37,069 --> 00:05:38,070 YEAH. THANK YOU. 168 00:05:38,070 --> 00:05:39,938 WOW, IS THAT A FIRE-EATER ON STILTS? 169 00:05:39,938 --> 00:05:41,740 OOH! 170 00:05:41,740 --> 00:05:44,810 YES! HE'S EATING FIRE FOR ME! I FEEL SO BLESSED! 171 00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:45,777 [ GASPS ] AH. SO PRECIOUS. 172 00:05:45,777 --> 00:05:47,112 BLESS HIS HEART. OH! THAT'S ADORABLE. 173 00:05:47,112 --> 00:05:48,280 WELL, WHY DON'T YOU LADIES HEAD OUTSIDE, 174 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:49,781 AND I'LL CATCH UP IN A BIT. GREAT. SURE. 175 00:05:49,781 --> 00:05:51,817 GREAT. YEAH. BYE-BYE. 176 00:05:51,817 --> 00:05:52,851 OH, YEAH. THAT SOUNDS FUN. 177 00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:54,886 WHAT A BUNCH OF BEE-YOTCHES, HUH? 178 00:05:54,886 --> 00:05:56,188 ACTUALLY, OH, I THINK WE'RE FINALLY BECOMING FRIENDS. 179 00:05:56,188 --> 00:05:58,190 I MEAN, WE JUST HAD OUR FIRST REAL CONVERSATION. 180 00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:00,258 THEY ASKED ME QUESTIONS AND EVERYTHING. 181 00:06:00,258 --> 00:06:02,461 BIG WHUP. THE I.R.S. ASKS ME TONS OF QUESTIONS. 182 00:06:02,461 --> 00:06:03,895 DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE FRIENDS. 183 00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:07,399 TRUST ME, THOSE GIRLS ARE NASTY, AND NOT THE GOOD NASTY. 184 00:06:11,303 --> 00:06:13,338 YOU CHECKING OUT THOSE SWEET KICKS? 185 00:06:13,338 --> 00:06:15,507 [ CHUCKLES ] NO. THE BOY WEARING THEM. 186 00:06:15,507 --> 00:06:16,842 WHY DON'T YOU GO OVER THERE AND TALK TO HIM -- 187 00:06:16,842 --> 00:06:18,010 YOU KNOW, SEAL THE DEAL. 188 00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:19,345 [ CHUCKLES ] WHATEVER THAT MEANS. 189 00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:21,848 [ SCOFFS ] NO WAY. I MEAN, I'M TOO NERVOUS. 190 00:06:21,848 --> 00:06:24,250 HE SEEMS REALLY COOL. HE'S WEARING A NECKLACE. 191 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,852 LET ME TALK TO HIM FOR YOU, CHECK HIM OUT, 192 00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,988 MAKE SURE HE'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY LITTLE SIS. 193 00:06:28,988 --> 00:06:31,424 OKAY. BUT DON'T EMBARRASS ME. 194 00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:32,892 ROGER THAT. 195 00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,027 [ IMITATES STATIC ] DETECTIVE WARREN IS ON THE CASE. 196 00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,062 OVER. [ IMITATES STATIC ] 197 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:38,297 HERE, CLUES. HERE, LITTLE CLUES. 198 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,767 WHOA! WHOA! [ GRUNTS ] OHH! 199 00:06:40,767 --> 00:06:42,902 OH! OH, NO, GUYS. I'M OKAY. 200 00:06:42,902 --> 00:06:44,737 OHH. I BROKE MY BACK! IT'S ALL RIGHT. REALLY, REALLY. 201 00:06:44,737 --> 00:06:48,074 [ GROANS ] THIS IS GONNA TAKE FOREVER. 202 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,076 WELL, THEY'VE ALREADY WASTED ENOUGH OF MY TIME. 203 00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,744 UH, THERE'S A LINE. 204 00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:53,980 YOU THINK THAT RULES DON'T APPLY TO YOU. 205 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,482 YES, THAT'S WHAT I TOLD YOU ON OUR FIRST DATE. 206 00:06:56,482 --> 00:06:57,483 EXCUSE ME. 207 00:06:57,483 --> 00:06:59,285 [ SIGHS ] UH, THERE IS A LINE, LADY. 208 00:06:59,285 --> 00:07:00,486 IT'S "DOCTOR." 209 00:07:00,486 --> 00:07:01,487 I APOLOGIZE. 210 00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,790 SHE'S NORMALLY EXACTLY LIKE THIS. 211 00:07:03,790 --> 00:07:04,892 EXCUSE ME, YOU. 212 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:07,528 DO YOU THINK THAT THIS CAKE WAS MEANT 213 00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:08,796 FOR AN 8-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY? 214 00:07:08,796 --> 00:07:11,765 CAN I ASK W-WHAT WAS IT MEANT FOR? 215 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:12,766 OH, I CAN'T TELL YOU. 216 00:07:12,766 --> 00:07:14,001 NO, WE TAKE THE CONFIDENTIALITY 217 00:07:14,001 --> 00:07:15,302 OF OUR CUSTOMERS VERY SERIOUSLY. 218 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:16,904 THAT'S WHAT WE'RE KNOWN FOR. 219 00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:18,772 GOOD, BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU WERE KNOWN 220 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,240 FOR GIVING PORNO CAKES TO CHILDREN. 221 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,443 WOULD YOU JUST GIVE US THE CORRECT CAKE, PLEASE? 222 00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:27,748 HELLO, EVERYONE. IT'S ME, BERT. 223 00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,383 WE CAN'T HEAR YOU! 224 00:07:29,383 --> 00:07:31,785 KATE, MY MIC ISN'T WORKING. 225 00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,420 OKAY, I'M ON IT. JUST...VAMP. 226 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:34,788 [ CHUCKLES ] 227 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:40,060 [ AS COUNT DRACULA ] VELCOME! I VANT TO SUCK YOUR BLOOD! 228 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:43,797 I'M TURNING EIGHT! 229 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,399 CAROL: SERIOUSLY, KATE? A MAGIC CARPET. 230 00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,000 [ SIGHS ] SO TACKY. 231 00:07:47,000 --> 00:07:48,368 SO TACKY! YEAH. 232 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,906 OH, GOD. AND THE FIRE-EATER'S SO OVER THE TOP. 233 00:07:51,906 --> 00:07:53,208 SO OVER THE TOP. 234 00:07:53,208 --> 00:07:54,743 [ SCOFFS ] WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FROM A PARTY 235 00:07:54,743 --> 00:07:56,778 PLANNED BY A FORMER STRIPPER? 236 00:07:56,778 --> 00:07:58,213 WHAT?! 237 00:08:01,983 --> 00:08:03,284 AH! WHAT? NO -- [ SCOFFS ] 238 00:08:03,284 --> 00:08:04,886 JACKIE. I'M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. 239 00:08:04,886 --> 00:08:06,354 NO ONE'S TOUCHING THE STRAWBERRY. 240 00:08:06,354 --> 00:08:08,089 AS USUAL, NEAPOLITAN'S A JOKE. 241 00:08:08,089 --> 00:08:09,524 NO, THE SOCCER MOMS THINK I USED TO BE A STRIPPER -- 242 00:08:09,524 --> 00:08:10,525 A STRIPPER! 243 00:08:10,525 --> 00:08:12,060 WELL, YOU KNOW, LEGS FOR DAYS... 244 00:08:12,060 --> 00:08:13,361 [ SNIFFS ] ...SMELL LIKE VANILLA, 245 00:08:13,361 --> 00:08:15,196 YOU ALWAYS HAVE SINGLES FOR THE VENDING MACHINE -- 246 00:08:15,196 --> 00:08:16,197 I COULD SEE IT. 247 00:08:16,197 --> 00:08:17,532 JACKIE, I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY'VE BEEN SHUTTING ME OUT 248 00:08:17,532 --> 00:08:19,234 BECAUSE OF SOME STUPID RUMOR. 249 00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:20,268 I MEAN, WHAT IS THIS? HIGH SCHOOL? 250 00:08:20,268 --> 00:08:21,770 I WOULDN'T KNOW -- HOMESCHOOLED. 251 00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:24,205 OKAY, WELL, I'M JUST GONNA GO SET THE RECORD STRAIGHT. 252 00:08:24,205 --> 00:08:26,274 OH, OH! NO! YOU CAN'T DO THAT NOW. 253 00:08:26,274 --> 00:08:27,909 IT'LL MAKE A SCENE. 254 00:08:27,909 --> 00:08:30,078 I DON'T CARE. THEY CAN'T KEEP THINKING THIS ABOUT ME. 255 00:08:30,078 --> 00:08:31,412 HOW ABOUT THIS? HOW ABOUT THIS? 256 00:08:31,412 --> 00:08:33,249 UH, I'LL TALK TO THE MOMS FOR YOU, 257 00:08:33,249 --> 00:08:35,217 AND YOU STAY HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST. 258 00:08:35,217 --> 00:08:37,753 I'LL DISPEL THAT "DIRTY LITTLE HOOKER" RUMOR, HUH? 259 00:08:37,753 --> 00:08:38,988 S-STRIPPER. A STRIPPER. 260 00:08:38,988 --> 00:08:40,422 OH, I THOUGHT ALL STRIPPERS HOOKED. 261 00:08:42,191 --> 00:08:44,093 [ HORN HONKING ] 262 00:08:44,093 --> 00:08:45,227 COME ON! GO! 263 00:08:45,227 --> 00:08:47,396 [ SIGHS ] AMERICA HAS LOST ITS HUSTLE. 264 00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:49,765 I TOLD YOU WE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN SUNSET. 265 00:08:49,765 --> 00:08:51,200 WELL, I WOULD RATHER TAKE THE LONG WAY 266 00:08:51,200 --> 00:08:53,269 AND BE MOVING THAN TAKE THE SHORT WAY AND BE STUCK. 267 00:08:53,269 --> 00:08:54,804 WHICH IS WHY WE DROVE THROUGH 268 00:08:54,804 --> 00:08:56,205 THE RUNNING OF THE BULLS IN SPAIN. 269 00:08:56,205 --> 00:08:58,174 INSURANCE DID NOT COVER HORN HOLES. 270 00:08:58,174 --> 00:08:59,408 OH, COME ON. THAT RIDE MADE A MAN OUT OF YOU. 271 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,409 ENOUGH OF THIS. I'M TURNING. 272 00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:02,912 DIANE. DIANE! JUST WAIT FOR THE LIGHT! 273 00:09:02,912 --> 00:09:03,913 NO! AAH! 274 00:09:03,913 --> 00:09:05,347 [ TIRES SCREECH, HORNS HONKING ] 275 00:09:05,347 --> 00:09:08,450 AAH! OH! [ BREATHING HEAVILY ] 276 00:09:08,450 --> 00:09:10,252 AND CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW. 277 00:09:10,252 --> 00:09:11,921 OH, PETER, ALWAYS THE DRAMA QUEEN. 278 00:09:11,921 --> 00:09:13,322 I WAS JUST BEING EFFICIENT. 279 00:09:13,322 --> 00:09:15,324 [ SIREN WAILS ] OH! 280 00:09:15,324 --> 00:09:17,293 I HOPE THAT INTERSECTION HAD A CAMERA. 281 00:09:17,293 --> 00:09:19,262 I WANT THAT PICTURE ON A MUG. 282 00:09:19,262 --> 00:09:20,530 [ CHUCKLES ] 283 00:09:20,530 --> 00:09:23,967 ♪♪♪ 284 00:09:26,236 --> 00:09:28,071 BONJOUR, AMIGO. [ SIGHS ] 285 00:09:28,071 --> 00:09:30,173 WARREN HARRISON, BROTHER OF THE HOST. 286 00:09:30,173 --> 00:09:33,343 SALUTATIONS, FRIEND. GRAHAM LIPSCHITZ, DANCER. 287 00:09:33,343 --> 00:09:35,312 SO, UH, WHAT DOES YOUR GIRLFRIEND 288 00:09:35,312 --> 00:09:37,113 THINK ABOUT ALL YOUR DANCING. 289 00:09:37,113 --> 00:09:38,315 SHE DOESN'T CARE. 290 00:09:38,315 --> 00:09:40,317 'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T EXIST. [ CHUCKLES ] 291 00:09:40,317 --> 00:09:42,118 BETWEEN DANCING AND SURFING, 292 00:09:42,118 --> 00:09:44,287 I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A GIRLFRIEND. 293 00:09:44,287 --> 00:09:46,156 YOU'RE A DANCER   AND A SURFER? 294 00:09:46,156 --> 00:09:48,191 SURFING'S JUST DANCING WITH THE OCEAN. 295 00:09:48,191 --> 00:09:49,860 AND DANCING'S JUST LIKE SURFING WITH THE FLOOR. 296 00:09:49,860 --> 00:09:51,795 YES! SEE, YOU GET IT! [ CHUCKLES ] 297 00:09:51,795 --> 00:09:54,130 MY SURF BUDDIES DON'T UNDERSTAND MY DANCING, 298 00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,366 AND MY DANCE BUDDIES DON'T GET MY SURFING. 299 00:09:56,366 --> 00:09:58,034 IT'S LIKE I'M CAUGHT BETWEEN TWO WORLDS. 300 00:09:58,034 --> 00:10:00,203 PBHT! [ CHUCKLING ] WELCOME TO PLANET WARREN. 301 00:10:00,203 --> 00:10:02,138 HEY, COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE YOUR SICK NECKLACE. 302 00:10:02,138 --> 00:10:03,975 SO, UH, IS THAT ONE OF THOSE ONES WITH A LITTLE DOOR? 303 00:10:03,975 --> 00:10:05,743 YEAH. A LOCKET. YEAH. AH. 304 00:10:05,743 --> 00:10:06,844 CHECK THIS OUT -- 305 00:10:06,844 --> 00:10:09,847 THIS HALF HAS A PHOTO OF MY MOM, 306 00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:11,849 AND THE OTHER HALF HAS A PHOTO OF MY DAD. 307 00:10:11,849 --> 00:10:14,185 WHAT?! THAT'S SO CRAZY! 308 00:10:14,185 --> 00:10:15,353 [ CHUCKLING ] I MEAN, THAT'S SO MUCH EASIER 309 00:10:15,353 --> 00:10:16,220 THAN CARRYING THESE AROUND. 310 00:10:16,220 --> 00:10:18,923 SWEET PICS. [ CHUCKLES ] 311 00:10:18,923 --> 00:10:20,291 HOW ABOUT ME AND YOU HANG OUT SOMETIME? 312 00:10:20,291 --> 00:10:21,459 YOU KNOW, YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO SURF, 313 00:10:21,459 --> 00:10:23,194 AND I'LL TEACH YOU THE DIFFERENCE 314 00:10:23,194 --> 00:10:24,495 BETWEEN A TURTLE AND A TORTOISE. 315 00:10:24,495 --> 00:10:26,063 THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU. 316 00:10:27,031 --> 00:10:29,934 JACKIE. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 317 00:10:29,934 --> 00:10:32,270 TURNS OUT OLIVES AND CHOCOLATE -- 318 00:10:32,270 --> 00:10:34,238 NOT A MAGICAL COMBINATION. 319 00:10:34,238 --> 00:10:35,239 YEAH, UH-HUH. HOW DID IT GO WITH THE MOMS? 320 00:10:35,239 --> 00:10:37,241 [ GAGS ] 321 00:10:37,241 --> 00:10:39,310 CHEWING. WAITING. 322 00:10:39,310 --> 00:10:40,311 JACKIE, WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE MOMS? 323 00:10:40,311 --> 00:10:42,346 OH. OH, THE MOMS, YEAH. 324 00:10:42,346 --> 00:10:44,248 I TOLD THEM IT WAS ALL A BUNCH OF HOOEY, JUST A RUMOR. 325 00:10:44,248 --> 00:10:45,750 YEAH, OKAY, BUT WHO STARTED THE RUMOR? 326 00:10:45,750 --> 00:10:47,051 DOES IT MATTER? 327 00:10:47,051 --> 00:10:49,288 I MEAN, ARE YOU GONNA FEEL ANY BETTER BEING MAD AT FERN? 328 00:10:49,288 --> 00:10:51,323 [ GASPS ] IT WAS FERN? 329 00:10:51,323 --> 00:10:53,392 OF COURSE IT'S FERN, OKAY? BUT WHO CARES, RIGHT? 330 00:10:53,392 --> 00:10:55,761 I'M GONNA SHARE WITH YOU A LITTLE WISDOM 331 00:10:55,761 --> 00:10:57,529 FROM MY HOT-AIR-BALLOON INSTRUCTOR -- 332 00:10:57,529 --> 00:10:59,197 "RISE ABOVE IT." 333 00:10:59,197 --> 00:11:01,233 RIGHT. 334 00:11:01,233 --> 00:11:05,837 UGH! YOU HAVE TO TASTE THIS. IT'S HORRIBLE. 335 00:11:05,837 --> 00:11:07,339 ♪♪♪ 336 00:11:07,339 --> 00:11:09,908 THE NEWS IS NOT GOOD. 337 00:11:09,908 --> 00:11:12,077 UNFORTUNATELY, I DON'T THINK HE'S RIGHT FOR YOU. 338 00:11:12,077 --> 00:11:13,979 REALLY? WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIM? 339 00:11:13,979 --> 00:11:15,213 HE'S CRAZY. HE THINKS HE CAN DANCE WITH THE OCEAN! 340 00:11:15,213 --> 00:11:17,215 IT'S LIKE, "EARTH TO GRAHAM. 341 00:11:17,215 --> 00:11:19,518 "YOU CAN'T. ONLY MOTHER NATURE CAN." 342 00:11:19,518 --> 00:11:22,220 SEE THAT NECKLACE OF HIS? YEAH. [ CHUCKLES ] 343 00:11:22,220 --> 00:11:23,322 I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S A BLOOD DIAMOND. 344 00:11:23,322 --> 00:11:24,890 A BLOOD DIAMOND? 345 00:11:24,890 --> 00:11:27,326 YEAH, AND NOT THE GOOD KIND. HE'S BAD NEWS. 346 00:11:35,468 --> 00:11:37,270 I CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S WASTING HIS TIME 347 00:11:37,270 --> 00:11:39,372 PULLING ME OVER WHEN HE SHOULD BE PUTTING AWAY CRIMINALS. 348 00:11:39,372 --> 00:11:41,507 THAT'S YOU, DIANE -- YOU'RE THE CRIMINAL. 349 00:11:41,507 --> 00:11:43,176 HI. MA'AM. 350 00:11:43,176 --> 00:11:45,211 OFFICER, OH, MY GOD. THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE. 351 00:11:45,211 --> 00:11:47,080 THIS MAN IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK. 352 00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:48,748 AND I AM DR. DIANE BUCKLEY. 353 00:11:48,748 --> 00:11:50,249 I'M TAKING HIM TO THE HOSPITAL IMMEDIATELY. 354 00:11:50,249 --> 00:11:52,251 WHAT ARE YOU -- [ STAMMERING ] OW! 355 00:11:52,251 --> 00:11:55,822 YOU ARE IN A CAR. YOU'RE GOING TO BE OKAY. 356 00:11:55,822 --> 00:11:56,990 HE DOES LOOK PRETTY ASHEN. 357 00:11:56,990 --> 00:11:57,991 HE IS. NO, I'M NOT! 358 00:11:57,991 --> 00:11:58,992 UH, I'M NOT -- OW! STAY ALERT! 359 00:11:58,992 --> 00:12:00,360 YES, TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE, OFFICER. 360 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,794 CALM DOWN, SIR. WE'RE TRYING TO HELP YOU. 361 00:12:01,794 --> 00:12:03,296 ST. MIRANDA'S IS LESS THAN A MILE AWAY. 362 00:12:03,296 --> 00:12:05,431 I'LL ESCORT YOU. OH! THANK YOU. 363 00:12:05,431 --> 00:12:09,936 THIS IS THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER! 364 00:12:09,936 --> 00:12:12,805 SWEETIE, NOT SO LOUD IN THE HORSIE'S EAR. 365 00:12:12,805 --> 00:12:14,340 [ TRUMPET BLARES ] 366 00:12:14,340 --> 00:12:15,775 [ CHILDREN CHEERING ] HAPPY BERT DAY! 367 00:12:15,775 --> 00:12:18,812 A VERY HAPPY BERT DAY TO YOU ALL! 368 00:12:18,812 --> 00:12:21,248 HIS NAME IS CINNAMON. 369 00:12:21,248 --> 00:12:23,317 KATE. 370 00:12:23,317 --> 00:12:25,986 WARREN SAYS GRAHAM WEARS BLOOD DIAMONDS AND IS BAD NEWS. 371 00:12:25,986 --> 00:12:28,889 AND IF THAT'S TRUE, THEN WHY IS HE WEARING GRAHAM'S VEST? 372 00:12:28,889 --> 00:12:33,360 LOOK AT HER JUST SITTING THERE, EATING FIGS. 373 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,029 OKAY, SO WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT MY ISSUE. 374 00:12:35,029 --> 00:12:36,063 [ CHUCKLES ] 375 00:12:36,063 --> 00:12:37,331 NOT WHEN THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE 376 00:12:37,331 --> 00:12:38,365 TELLING PEOPLE THAT I'M A STRIPPER. 377 00:12:38,365 --> 00:12:40,968 WAIT -- WHAT? THAT MAKES NO SENSE. 378 00:12:40,968 --> 00:12:42,136 YOU HAVE NO RHYTHM. 379 00:12:42,136 --> 00:12:44,471 YEAH, EXACTLY. EVEN MY HEARTBEAT IS IRREGULAR. 380 00:12:46,106 --> 00:12:47,775 OH! 381 00:12:47,775 --> 00:12:50,077 I'M SORRY. DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM? 382 00:12:50,077 --> 00:12:52,246 NO. I NEED THE TRUTH. 383 00:12:52,246 --> 00:12:53,213 OH, OOH. 384 00:12:53,213 --> 00:12:55,282 YEAH, I-I DIDN'T -- I DIDN'T BRING A GIFT. 385 00:12:55,282 --> 00:12:57,184 NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT WHY YOU TOLD EVERYONE THAT I WAS A STRIPPER. 386 00:12:57,184 --> 00:12:58,218 WHAT? [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] 387 00:12:58,218 --> 00:13:00,287 IT'S OCCUPIED -- NUMBER TWO! 388 00:13:00,287 --> 00:13:01,990 I REALLY HAVE TO GO PEE, OKAY? REALLY? 389 00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,792 SO IF YOU CAN JUST LET ME GO TO THE BATHROOM... 390 00:13:03,792 --> 00:13:05,393 FERN, I KNOW YOU STARTED THE LIE ABOUT ME BEING A STRIPPER. 391 00:13:05,393 --> 00:13:06,795 JUST ADMIT IT. 392 00:13:06,795 --> 00:13:08,897 OH, I-I DIDN'T START THAT RUMOR. I JUST HEARD IT. 393 00:13:08,897 --> 00:13:10,965 REALLY? THEN WHO TOLD YOU THAT I WAS A STRIPPER? 394 00:13:10,965 --> 00:13:12,300 LOOK, I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO KNOW. 395 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,468 OH, YEAH? REALLY? 396 00:13:13,468 --> 00:13:15,170 OH, GOD. MM-HMM. 397 00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,805 PLEASE! MM-HMM. 398 00:13:16,805 --> 00:13:18,073 DON'T WORRY. OH, PLEASE. 399 00:13:18,073 --> 00:13:19,207 I HAVE PLASTIC BAGS SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR PANTS HOME. 400 00:13:19,207 --> 00:13:21,009 JACKIE! [ WATER STOPS ] 401 00:13:21,009 --> 00:13:22,977 JACKIE SAID THAT YOU WERE A STRIPPER. WHAT?! 402 00:13:22,977 --> 00:13:24,345 YEAH, YEAH, IT WAS MONTHS AGO -- 403 00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:25,480 THAT DAY THAT YOU WORE THOSE TINY, LITTLE SHORT SHORTS 404 00:13:25,480 --> 00:13:26,514 TO SOCCER PRACTICE. 405 00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:28,016 YEAH, BUT ALL SHORTS LOOK SHORT ON ME. 406 00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,350 JACKIE: OH, HEY FERN! 407 00:13:29,350 --> 00:13:31,319 ARE -- ARE YOU SAYING SOMETHING THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE? 408 00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:37,859 GIDDAP! GIDDAP! [ CINNAMON GRUNTING ] 409 00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:38,993 OH. GIDDAP. GO, GO. 410 00:13:38,993 --> 00:13:40,328 JACKIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING? 411 00:13:40,328 --> 00:13:42,897 OOH. YOU'RE FAT, AND NO ONE LIKES YOU, CINNAMON. 412 00:13:42,897 --> 00:13:44,099 HOW COULD YOU DO THAT TO ME? 413 00:13:44,099 --> 00:13:46,802 FORGET IT. TWO, ONE, AND YOU'RE UNDER. 414 00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,971 WHAT? JACKIE, GET OFF. 415 00:13:48,971 --> 00:13:50,840 [ CINNAMON SNORTS ] WELL? 416 00:13:50,840 --> 00:13:52,374 SORRY. 417 00:13:52,374 --> 00:13:54,977 I JUST REALLY WANTED A SPOT ON THEIR SWEET, SWEET BLANKET, 418 00:13:54,977 --> 00:13:57,146 AND I WAS SO TIRED OF DRINKING WINE ALONE 419 00:13:57,146 --> 00:13:59,148 AT BERT'S SOCCER GAMES, SO I JUST TOLD 420 00:13:59,148 --> 00:14:02,151 THIS EENSY-WEENSY WITTLE WIE ABOUT YOU -- 421 00:14:02,151 --> 00:14:04,186 I DON'T KNOW -- FLASHING YOUR YOO-YOOS FOR MONEY. 422 00:14:05,354 --> 00:14:07,923 I WAS DESPERATE... BUT ADORABLE. 423 00:14:07,923 --> 00:14:10,392 DO YOU FORGIVE ME? NO, JACKIE. 424 00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:12,228 YOU LIED ABOUT ME SO YOU COULD MAKE FRIENDS. 425 00:14:12,228 --> 00:14:14,864 WELL, YOU THREW THIS PARTY SO THAT YOU COULD MAKE FRIENDS. 426 00:14:14,864 --> 00:14:16,866 I THREW A PARTY FOR A BOY WHO READ A HUNDRED BOOKS. 427 00:14:16,866 --> 00:14:18,000 YOU TOLD PEOPLE 428 00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,935 THAT I GYRATED NAKED ON MEN'S LAPS FOR MONEY. 429 00:14:19,935 --> 00:14:21,237 OH, I GUESS WE'RE BOTH TO BLAME. 430 00:14:21,237 --> 00:14:23,806 NO. NOPE. PRETTY MUCH JUST YOU. 431 00:14:23,806 --> 00:14:25,374 AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE DESPERATE. 432 00:14:25,374 --> 00:14:28,811 NOT IN AN ADORABLE WAY -- IN A SAD WAY. 433 00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:33,750 NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE. 434 00:14:33,750 --> 00:14:36,753 [ SCOFFING ] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU LIED TO A COP. 435 00:14:36,753 --> 00:14:38,855 BELIEVE IT. I SAVED THE DAY, DIDN'T I? 436 00:14:38,855 --> 00:14:40,857 YOU KNOW WHAT? UH, CHECK YOUR SHOES BEFORE YOU GO IN. 437 00:14:40,857 --> 00:14:41,992 THERE'S HORSE POOP ALL OVER THE PLACE. 438 00:14:41,992 --> 00:14:43,493 DO I SEEM LIKE THE TYPE OF WOMAN 439 00:14:43,493 --> 00:14:45,095 WHO WOULD STEP IN HORSE EXCREMENT? 440 00:14:45,095 --> 00:14:46,796 DIANE, MY HOUSE, MY RULES, OKAY? 441 00:14:46,796 --> 00:14:48,965 PLEASE, PETER, YOU'RE ALWAYS -- AAH! 442 00:14:48,965 --> 00:14:51,968 [ LAUGHS ] 443 00:14:51,968 --> 00:14:55,038 GOD HAS SPOKEN THROUGH MY SCREEN DOOR! 444 00:14:55,038 --> 00:14:57,474 NO ONE IS ABOVETH THE RULES. 445 00:14:57,474 --> 00:15:00,010 HANG ON, HANG ON. DON'T MOVE, DON'T MOVE. AAH! IT'S FALLING! 446 00:15:00,010 --> 00:15:01,344 FINALLY. [ GIGGLES ] A RE-- OHH. 447 00:15:01,344 --> 00:15:02,812 A REASON TO JOIN INSTAGRAM. 448 00:15:02,812 --> 00:15:03,880 OH, MY -- OHH. [ CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS ] 449 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:04,881 [ LAUGHS ] OH, MY GOD. 450 00:15:04,881 --> 00:15:08,752 ALL RIGHT! GUYS, THE CAKE'S HERE! 451 00:15:08,752 --> 00:15:11,755 IT TASTES LIKE VANILLA AND WOOL! 452 00:15:11,755 --> 00:15:12,989 YEAH! OH, MY GOD! 453 00:15:12,989 --> 00:15:14,457 [ CHILDREN SCREAMING ] 454 00:15:14,457 --> 00:15:18,062 OKAY, GUYS! NO STICKY CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE! 455 00:15:18,062 --> 00:15:20,765 HEY, STAY OUTSIDE. HEY! HEY! DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MESS. 456 00:15:23,901 --> 00:15:26,003 KATE. COME JOIN US. 457 00:15:26,003 --> 00:15:27,271 WOMAN: YEAH, COME OVER. YEAH. SIT, SIT, SIT. 458 00:15:27,271 --> 00:15:28,940 WE HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AT ALL. 459 00:15:28,940 --> 00:15:30,274 OH, OKAY. YEAH. MM. 460 00:15:30,274 --> 00:15:31,776 PLEASE, PLEASE. 461 00:15:31,776 --> 00:15:32,944 OH, I'M SORRY. KATE: OH. 462 00:15:32,944 --> 00:15:34,879 [ GIGGLES ] LET ME MOVE THAT. 463 00:15:34,879 --> 00:15:37,048 THANK YOU. 464 00:15:37,048 --> 00:15:39,951 SO, FERN TOLD US THAT YOU'RE NOT A STRIPPER. 465 00:15:39,951 --> 00:15:43,120 AND I WOULD LIKE TO SAY, ON BEHALF OF ALL OF US... 466 00:15:43,120 --> 00:15:44,288 MM. MM-HMM. 467 00:15:44,288 --> 00:15:46,090 ...WE ARE SO SORRY. SO SORRY. 468 00:15:46,090 --> 00:15:47,825 WE NEVER GAVE YOU A CHANCE. 469 00:15:47,825 --> 00:15:49,994 [ SIGHS ] IT'S OKAY. EVERYONE MAKES MISTAKES. 470 00:15:49,994 --> 00:15:52,296 YOU KNOW, ONCE I GAVE A GUY MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER 471 00:15:52,296 --> 00:15:53,531 INSTEAD OF MY PHONE NUMBER. 472 00:15:53,531 --> 00:15:54,765 [ LAUGHS ] OH, MY WORD. 473 00:15:54,765 --> 00:15:56,400 UH-OH. YOU KNOW WHAT? 474 00:15:56,400 --> 00:15:59,303 WHY DON'T YOU SIT WITH US AT SOCCER PRACTICE ON WEDNESDAY? 475 00:15:59,303 --> 00:16:01,373 OOH, YES! WE DRINK WINE. 476 00:16:01,373 --> 00:16:03,909 OH, I DRINK WINE... LIKE CRAZY. 477 00:16:03,909 --> 00:16:05,010 [ LAUGHTER ] 478 00:16:05,010 --> 00:16:07,246 I WISH FOR MORE CHOCOLATE. 479 00:16:07,246 --> 00:16:08,981 [ GASPS ] IT'S WORKING! 480 00:16:08,981 --> 00:16:10,449 WOW. 481 00:16:10,449 --> 00:16:13,785 WARREN. HEY, FUNNY STORY -- 482 00:16:13,785 --> 00:16:16,255 I JUST TALKED TO GRAHAM, AND HIS NECKLACE, YEAH, 483 00:16:16,255 --> 00:16:17,889 IT ISN'T A BLOOD DIAMOND. 484 00:16:17,889 --> 00:16:19,958 IT'S A LOCKET WITH HIS PARENTS IN IT. 485 00:16:19,958 --> 00:16:22,127 BUT YOU CAN STILL SENSE THAT HE'S DANGEROUS, RIGHT? 486 00:16:22,127 --> 00:16:24,296 I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU TRIED TO KEEP ME AWAY FROM HIM. 487 00:16:24,296 --> 00:16:26,031 OKAY, I'M SORRY, IT'S JUST THAT... 488 00:16:26,031 --> 00:16:28,433 [ SIGHS ] LOOK, GRAHAM AND I ARE BECOMING SUCH GOOD FRIENDS, 489 00:16:28,433 --> 00:16:31,069 AND -- AND YOU KNOW I DON'T MEET A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT I LIKE. 490 00:16:31,069 --> 00:16:32,971 YOU LIKE EVERYONE. 491 00:16:32,971 --> 00:16:34,873 WHAT I MEAN IS I DON'T MEET A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT LIKE ME. 492 00:16:34,873 --> 00:16:36,942 GRAHAM AND I HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON. 493 00:16:36,942 --> 00:16:39,077 YOU KNOW, HE'S A SURFER AND A DANCER, 494 00:16:39,077 --> 00:16:41,313 AND I THINK IT'S SO SICK THAT HE SURFS AND DANCES! 495 00:16:41,313 --> 00:16:42,814 BUT WHY CAN'T I GO OUT WITH HIM 496 00:16:42,814 --> 00:16:44,016 AND YOU BE FRIENDS WITH HIM, TOO? 497 00:16:44,016 --> 00:16:46,286 UM, BECAUSE EVENTUALLY YOU GUYS ARE GONNA BREAK UP, 498 00:16:46,286 --> 00:16:47,920 AND I'D HAVE TO CHOOSE SIDES. 499 00:16:47,920 --> 00:16:50,390 OH. I GET IT. [ CHUCKLES ] 500 00:16:50,390 --> 00:16:51,824 AND YOU WOULD CHOOSE ME. 501 00:16:51,824 --> 00:16:53,459 GRAHAM. 502 00:16:53,459 --> 00:16:54,427 ME. GRAHAM. 503 00:16:54,427 --> 00:16:55,862 NO, NOT YOU. 504 00:16:55,862 --> 00:16:56,996 I'VE SAID GRAHAM TWICE NOW. STOP. 505 00:16:56,996 --> 00:16:59,332 [ LAUGHTER ] I KNOW. OH! 506 00:16:59,332 --> 00:17:01,034 THAT IS GOOD. THAT IS GOOD. 507 00:17:01,034 --> 00:17:02,935 SO, WAIT -- FERN TELLS US YOU HAVE 508 00:17:02,935 --> 00:17:03,936 REALLY SOFT HAND TOWELS. 509 00:17:03,936 --> 00:17:05,238 [ SIGHS ] I DID. WHAT'S THE SECRET? 510 00:17:05,238 --> 00:17:06,973 I USE 50 DRYER BALLS. 511 00:17:06,973 --> 00:17:08,975 OHH, THAT MUST GET SO LOUD. 512 00:17:08,975 --> 00:17:10,777 OH, DEAFENING. EVERYONE HAS TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. 513 00:17:10,777 --> 00:17:11,878 [ LAUGHTER ] 514 00:17:11,878 --> 00:17:14,981 I CAN'T BELIEVE JACKIE'S LIES KEPT US APART THIS LONG. 515 00:17:14,981 --> 00:17:16,082 OHH. HATE IT. I KNOW, RIGHT? 516 00:17:16,082 --> 00:17:18,217 WHAT'S IT LIKE HAVING HER AROUND ALL THE TIME? 517 00:17:18,217 --> 00:17:19,519 WOMAN: MM. FERN: MM, MM. 518 00:17:19,519 --> 00:17:22,388 I MEAN, IS SHE CONSTANTLY STOPPING BY TRYING TO 519 00:17:22,388 --> 00:17:24,957 PUSH THOSE CITRUS-BLAST FIBER MUFFINS ON YOU? 520 00:17:24,957 --> 00:17:25,958 MM. OOF. 521 00:17:25,958 --> 00:17:27,427 SHE GAVE ME ONE OF THOSE ONCE. 522 00:17:27,427 --> 00:17:29,029 IT BROKE MY DOG'S JAW. 523 00:17:29,029 --> 00:17:31,298 [ LAUGHING ] OH, NO. IT DID. IT DID. 524 00:17:31,298 --> 00:17:33,367 [ LAUGHING ] OH, MY GOD. 525 00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,202 FERN: I BELIEVE IT. I BELIEVE IT. 526 00:17:35,202 --> 00:17:36,503 THOSE THINGS ARE LIKE HARD AS A ROCK. YOU KNOW, THEY'RE NOT THAT BAD. 527 00:17:36,503 --> 00:17:37,838 I MEAN, OUR FAMILY'S BEEN SCURVY-FREE, 528 00:17:37,838 --> 00:17:39,273 SO [CLICKS TONGUE] THAT'S A BONUS. 529 00:17:39,273 --> 00:17:40,874 WHERE DOES SHE SHOP? 530 00:17:40,874 --> 00:17:43,277 I MEAN, THAT WOMAN DRESSES LIKE A FORTUNE TELLER. MM. 531 00:17:43,277 --> 00:17:44,411 [ LAUGHTER ] FERN: THAT'S HILARIOUS. 532 00:17:44,411 --> 00:17:45,946 I DON'T -- I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE SHOPS. 533 00:17:45,946 --> 00:17:47,414 I THINK -- I THINK SHE MAKES HER CLOTHES MOSTLY. 534 00:17:47,414 --> 00:17:48,882 OH. BUT, UH, ANYWAY, 535 00:17:48,882 --> 00:17:51,418 I'M ON SNACK DUTY FOR THE NEXT GAME, 536 00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,087 SO ANY REQUESTS? 537 00:17:53,087 --> 00:17:56,924 I MEAN, I KNOW SHE MEANS WELL, BUT SHE JUST SEEMS SO DESPERATE. 538 00:17:56,924 --> 00:17:59,093 THAT'S TRUE. SO DESPERATE! INCREDIBLY DESPERATE. 539 00:17:59,093 --> 00:18:00,461 SHE JUST WANTS TO HAVE FRIENDS. THAT'S TRUE. 540 00:18:00,461 --> 00:18:01,995 "LIKE ME, LIKE ME, LIKE ME." OH, MY GOD. 541 00:18:01,995 --> 00:18:04,031 "I'M GONNA WEAR BOLD COLORS." "I'M WEARING SILK." 542 00:18:04,031 --> 00:18:06,533 "I'M WACKY JACKIE." "DO YOU WANT ME TO SPIN YOU A POT?" 543 00:18:06,533 --> 00:18:08,869 OKAY, OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? 544 00:18:08,869 --> 00:18:10,003 SHE'S NOT DESPERATE, ALL RIGHT? 545 00:18:10,003 --> 00:18:12,172 WELL, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE BIT DESPERATE, 546 00:18:12,172 --> 00:18:13,507 BUT I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALLOWED TO SAY THAT, 547 00:18:13,507 --> 00:18:15,043 BECAUSE SHE'S MY FAMILY. 548 00:18:15,043 --> 00:18:16,511 AND I GET WHY SHE LIED ABOUT ME. 549 00:18:16,511 --> 00:18:18,146 I WANTED TO GET IN WITH YOU GUYS, TOO. 550 00:18:18,146 --> 00:18:20,315 ALTHOUGH, NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHY, 551 00:18:20,315 --> 00:18:22,250 BECAUSE Y'ALL ARE JUST THE BAD NASTY. 552 00:18:22,250 --> 00:18:23,952 SO, I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO LEAVE. 553 00:18:23,952 --> 00:18:24,953 YEAH. 554 00:18:24,953 --> 00:18:26,488 WHAT? I'M FLABBERGASTED. 555 00:18:26,488 --> 00:18:28,323 WHAT DID WE DO TO HER? 556 00:18:28,323 --> 00:18:30,091 ACTUALLY, YOUR KIDS ARE HAVING A REALLY GREAT TIME, 557 00:18:30,091 --> 00:18:32,127 AND BERT HAS SOMETHING SPECIAL COMING UP. 558 00:18:32,127 --> 00:18:33,895 SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, 559 00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,430 JUST WAIT OUTSIDE IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE, ALL RIGHT? 560 00:18:35,430 --> 00:18:37,198 UNTIL ABOUT 6:00 OR 7:00. 561 00:18:37,198 --> 00:18:39,868 NO, NO, NO, NO. YOU KNOW WHAT? STAY. 562 00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:43,371 BUT DON'T ENJOY THE PARTY. YEAH, DON'T ENJOY IT. 563 00:18:43,371 --> 00:18:45,974 OHH. OH, MY GOD. 564 00:18:45,974 --> 00:18:48,376 OHH, I THINK I JUST BROKE MY NECK THIS TIME. I'M OKAY. I'M OKAY. 565 00:18:48,376 --> 00:18:54,048 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] MAN: AND NOW FOR THE BERT DAY DANCERS! 566 00:18:54,048 --> 00:18:55,984 [ FLO RIDA'S "GOOD FEELING" PLAYS ] 567 00:18:58,487 --> 00:19:01,457 ♪ OH, OH, OH, OH, OHH ♪ 568 00:19:01,457 --> 00:19:05,127 ♪ SOMETIMES I GET A GOOD FEELING ♪ 569 00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:08,030 ♪ YEAH ♪ 570 00:19:08,030 --> 00:19:10,032 ♪ GET A FEELING THAT I NEVER, NEVER ♪ 571 00:19:10,032 --> 00:19:11,934 ♪ NEVER, NEVER HAD BEFORE ♪ 572 00:19:11,934 --> 00:19:14,370 ♪ NO, NO, I GET A GOOD FEELING, YEAH ♪ 573 00:19:14,370 --> 00:19:15,938 ♪ YES, I CAN ♪ 574 00:19:15,938 --> 00:19:17,072 ♪ DOUBT THAT I LEAVE, I'M RUNNING WITH THIS PLAN ♪ 575 00:19:17,072 --> 00:19:18,941 MAN: GO, BERT! ♪ PULL ME, GRAB ME ♪ 576 00:19:18,941 --> 00:19:20,075 ♪ CRABS IN THE BUCKET, CAN'T HAVE ME ♪ 577 00:19:20,075 --> 00:19:22,778 ♪ I'LL BE THE PRESIDENT ONE DAY, JANUARY 1ST ♪ 578 00:19:22,778 --> 00:19:24,079 ♪ OH, YOU LIKE THAT GOSSIP? ♪ 579 00:19:24,079 --> 00:19:26,282 ♪ LIKE YOU THE ONE DRINKING WHAT GOD SIP ♪ 580 00:19:26,282 --> 00:19:27,950 ♪ DOT COM, NOW I GOT TO WORK WITH YOUR TONGUE ♪ 581 00:19:27,950 --> 00:19:29,385 HOW DID IT GO WITH THE MOMS? 582 00:19:29,385 --> 00:19:30,853 THEY THOUGHT I WAS A STRIPPER. 583 00:19:30,853 --> 00:19:33,088 THAT'S RIDICULOUS! YOU'RE A TERRIBLE DANCER. I KNOW. 584 00:19:33,088 --> 00:19:35,257 ♪ TALK LIKE A WINNER, MY CHEST TO THAT SUN ♪ 585 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,092 ♪ G5 DEALER, U.S. TO TAIWAN ♪ 586 00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:39,895 ♪ NOW, WHO CAN SAY THAT? I WANT TO PLAYBACK ♪ 587 00:19:39,895 --> 00:19:41,197 ♪ I GOT A FEELING IT'S A RAP, ASAP ♪ 588 00:19:41,197 --> 00:19:43,400 ♪ OH, OH ♪ HEY. 589 00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:45,268 [ VOICE BREAKING ] OH, KATE, I JUST -- 590 00:19:45,268 --> 00:19:47,537 I NEVER SHOULD HAVE STARTED THAT RUMOR ABOUT YOU. 591 00:19:47,537 --> 00:19:49,406 JACKIE, IT'S OKAY. NO, I JUST HOPE 592 00:19:49,406 --> 00:19:50,941 THAT YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR GORGEOUS, 593 00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:53,076 OVERSIZED HEART TO FORGIVE ME, BECAU-- WAIT. 594 00:19:53,076 --> 00:19:54,344 WHAT? IT'S OKAY? 595 00:19:54,344 --> 00:19:58,181 ♪ GET A GOOD FEELING, YEAH ♪ 596 00:19:58,181 --> 00:20:01,852 ♪♪♪ 597 00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:03,353 JACKIE, WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF I BROUGHT SOME WINE 598 00:20:03,353 --> 00:20:05,222 FOR US TO SHARE AT BERT'S NEXT GAME? 599 00:20:05,222 --> 00:20:06,629 WHAT?! 600 00:20:06,629 --> 00:20:10,466 WHY SHARE? BRING TWO BOTTLES. 601 00:20:10,466 --> 00:20:11,701 [ CHUCKLES ] 602 00:20:14,637 --> 00:20:16,239 [ EXPLOSION ] 603 00:20:16,239 --> 00:20:17,640 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 604 00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:19,642 YAY, BERT! 605 00:20:19,642 --> 00:20:22,212 [ ALL CHANTING "BERT!" ] 606 00:20:26,139 --> 00:20:28,141 [ DOORBELL RINGS ] 607 00:20:28,141 --> 00:20:32,792 OH, MY GOD! CHRIS HARRISON! YOU CAME! 608 00:20:32,792 --> 00:20:35,094 HAPPY BIRTHDAY! YOU MUST BE BERT. 609 00:20:35,094 --> 00:20:36,395 HOW DID YOU KNOW? [ CHUCKLES ] 610 00:20:36,395 --> 00:20:39,298 BECAUSE HE'S CHRIS HARRISON! HE KNOWS EVERYTHING. 611 00:20:39,298 --> 00:20:41,100 HEY, MAN. I'M PETE HARRISON. 612 00:20:41,100 --> 00:20:43,269 PETE, NICE TO MEET YOU. I'M A HUGE FAN. 613 00:20:43,269 --> 00:20:44,904 UH, WHO'S THE FRONT-RUNNER? 614 00:20:44,904 --> 00:20:47,006 I WISH I COULD TELL YOU GUYS. I REALLY CAN'T SAY. 615 00:20:47,006 --> 00:20:48,341 ALL RIGHT, I ADMIRE YOUR PROFESSIONALISM. 616 00:20:48,341 --> 00:20:50,743 CHRIS HARRISON IN MY HOUSE! 617 00:20:50,743 --> 00:20:52,478 HEY! THERE SHE IS! 618 00:20:52,478 --> 00:20:54,447 AH, CHRIS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING. 619 00:20:54,447 --> 00:20:57,016 THIS IS FOR YOU. 620 00:20:57,016 --> 00:20:58,317 OOH. THANK YOU. [ CHUCKLES ] 621 00:20:58,317 --> 00:21:00,987 AND, WOW, YOU LOOK AS BEAUTIFUL AS EVER. 622 00:21:00,987 --> 00:21:02,054 AWW. 623 00:21:02,054 --> 00:21:04,357 IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU, BIG TV STAR. 624 00:21:04,357 --> 00:21:05,525 HOW DO YOU GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER AGAIN? 625 00:21:05,525 --> 00:21:07,493 OH, LONG TIME AGO, WE USED TO DATE. 626 00:21:07,493 --> 00:21:10,196 WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. LOT OF FUN. 627 00:21:10,196 --> 00:21:11,397 I BET! YOU KNOW WHAT? 628 00:21:11,397 --> 00:21:12,465 YOU'RE OUT OF HERE, ROSEBUD. YOU GUYS WANT TO -- 629 00:21:12,465 --> 00:21:14,300 PETE. THANKS FOR COMING. 630 00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:15,868 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! CAN I TAKE A MOMENT AND SAY MY GOOD-BYES? 631 00:21:15,868 --> 00:21:18,504 BERT DAY IS OFFICIALLY OVER. 632 00:21:18,504 --> 00:21:21,240 CHRIS: KATE! I STILL LOVE YOU!