1 00:00:01,265 --> 00:00:03,257 ALL RIGHT. HOW DID I DO? 2 00:00:03,257 --> 00:00:04,261 LET'S SEE. 3 00:00:04,261 --> 00:00:07,262 SINE "X" PLUS THE SQUARE ROOT OF NEGATIVE TWO. 4 00:00:07,262 --> 00:00:10,274 AND THE SURVEY SAYS... [ BELL RINGS ] 5 00:00:10,274 --> 00:00:13,277 MOM, YOU MAKE TRIG SO MUCH FUN. AW, THANK YOU. 6 00:00:13,277 --> 00:00:15,274 OKAY, SEND IN WARREN WITH HIS HOMEWORK. 7 00:00:15,274 --> 00:00:17,276 OKAY. MWAH! TELL HIM TO HURRY. 8 00:00:17,276 --> 00:00:20,274 [ BIRDS CHIRPING ] 9 00:00:20,274 --> 00:00:22,291 WHY DO I FEEL LIKE WE'RE ALWAYS BUYING TOILET PAPER? 10 00:00:22,291 --> 00:00:24,297 [ CHUCKLES ] BECAUSE BERT AND HILLARY 11 00:00:24,297 --> 00:00:27,281 LIKE WRAPPING WARREN UP LIKE A MUMMY. 12 00:00:27,281 --> 00:00:28,293 [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] 13 00:00:28,293 --> 00:00:29,305 AH, CRAP. WHAT? 14 00:00:29,305 --> 00:00:32,296 IT'S DIANE. SHE WANTS TO KNOW IF WE CAN DO CARPOOL ON MONDAY. 15 00:00:32,296 --> 00:00:34,293 NO! WE CAN'T! WE'VE GOT NOTHING MONDAY. 16 00:00:34,293 --> 00:00:36,303 I GOT WORK. YEAH, BUT BESIDES THAT, WE HAVE NOTHING. 17 00:00:36,303 --> 00:00:37,307 JUST TELL HER WE'RE BUSY. 18 00:00:37,307 --> 00:00:39,297 SHE'LL KNOW I'M LYING. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS. 19 00:00:39,297 --> 00:00:41,315 I'LL DO IT. I'M A GREAT LIAR. 20 00:00:41,315 --> 00:00:44,318 [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] OH, COME ON! 21 00:00:44,318 --> 00:00:47,301 SHE'S GOT AN EMERGENCY ACL PROCEDURE. 22 00:00:47,301 --> 00:00:49,303 IT'S JUST KNEE SURGERY. 23 00:00:49,303 --> 00:00:51,308 NOBODY'S EVERY DIED IN KNEE SURGERY. 24 00:00:51,308 --> 00:00:52,324 [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] 25 00:00:54,329 --> 00:00:56,313 WHAT AM I LOOKING AT? 26 00:00:56,313 --> 00:00:58,316 IT'S A WEB LINK FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE DIED IN KNEE SURGERY. 27 00:01:03,338 --> 00:01:04,340 OH, MY GOD. 28 00:01:04,340 --> 00:01:07,323 I SAW THIS IN A HORROR MOVIE ONCE. 29 00:01:07,323 --> 00:01:08,332 IT WAS A SLUMBER PARTY, 30 00:01:08,332 --> 00:01:10,334 AND THE KILLER WAS CALLING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE. 31 00:01:10,334 --> 00:01:13,330 SHE CAN'T BE IN THE HOUSE. 32 00:01:13,330 --> 00:01:14,338 CAN'T I? 33 00:01:14,338 --> 00:01:15,350 [ SCREAMS ] 34 00:01:16,341 --> 00:01:20,337 AND NOW THAT I KNOW YOU'RE FREE, I'LL ASK AGAIN. 35 00:01:20,337 --> 00:01:21,347 CAN YOU DO CARPOOL ON MONDAY? 36 00:01:21,347 --> 00:01:24,340 PETER! RIGHT NOW! 37 00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:25,351 YOU ARE DOING CARPOOL MONDAY 38 00:01:25,351 --> 00:01:27,350 AND THE NEXT THREE MONDAYS FOR LYING TO ME! 39 00:01:28,344 --> 00:01:31,347 THAT FELT GREAT. I PUT HER ON TOP OF THE RECYCLING BIN. 40 00:01:31,347 --> 00:01:32,358 GOOD, BABE. YEAH. 41 00:01:32,358 --> 00:01:34,352 WHAT IF SOMEONE STEALS THE LAPTOP, THOUGH? 42 00:01:34,352 --> 00:01:35,372 THEN DIANE BECOMES THEIR PROBLEM. 43 00:01:35,372 --> 00:01:37,356 WHO CARES? LETS' GET OUT OF HERE. 44 00:01:40,365 --> 00:01:43,368 MOM? I BROUGHT MY HOMEWORK. 45 00:01:43,368 --> 00:01:45,377 UH...WARREN. 46 00:01:45,377 --> 00:01:48,375 WARREN! I'M OUTSIDE! 47 00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:50,365 OH. COOL. WELL, I'LL BE IN MY ROOM. 48 00:01:50,365 --> 00:01:52,372 JUST LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU'RE READY TO START. 49 00:01:52,372 --> 00:01:55,369 OH! YES! TWO‐PLY! [ CHUCKLES ] 50 00:01:58,372 --> 00:02:01,377 ♪♪♪ 51 00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,385 PETE: KATE? 52 00:02:12,386 --> 00:02:14,388 KATE? 53 00:02:14,388 --> 00:02:16,393 [ MUNCHING ] 54 00:02:16,393 --> 00:02:18,397 [ KATE MOANS ] 55 00:02:22,396 --> 00:02:24,398 WHAT ARE WE DOING? 56 00:02:24,398 --> 00:02:25,403 I TRY TO BE A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE TO THE KIDS, 57 00:02:25,403 --> 00:02:27,424 BUT SOMETIMES I JUST WANT CHIPS BEFORE DINNER. 58 00:02:27,424 --> 00:02:29,406 OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. SURE. 59 00:02:29,406 --> 00:02:30,417 IF YOU EVER WANT SOME, I ALWAYS KEEP A BAG 60 00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:31,427 BEHIND THE BIG JUG OF BLEACH. 61 00:02:33,416 --> 00:02:35,409 IF YOU'RE NOT TOO FULL ON BLEACH CHIPS 62 00:02:35,409 --> 00:02:36,414 AND YOU'RE STILL HUNGRY, 63 00:02:36,414 --> 00:02:38,417 I GOT US LAST‐MINUTE RESERVATIONS AT VOULOIR. 64 00:02:38,417 --> 00:02:40,415 [ GASPS ] 65 00:02:40,415 --> 00:02:42,417 QUOI? 66 00:02:42,417 --> 00:02:44,419 THAT'S FRENCH FOR "WHAT?!" 67 00:02:44,419 --> 00:02:47,423 IT'S TIME. NO MORE FISH STICKS, NO MORE HOT DOGS. 68 00:02:47,423 --> 00:02:50,428 TONIGHT WE'RE GONNA EAT LIKE REAL, ACTUAL, GROWNUP PEOPLE. 69 00:02:50,428 --> 00:02:52,444 WOW! I LOVE IT! WAIT. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS? 70 00:02:52,444 --> 00:02:54,432 I GOT IT COVERED. JACKIE'S GONNA BABYSIT. 71 00:02:54,432 --> 00:02:58,432 HOW MUCH DOES SHE CHARGE? HALF OF EVERYTHING I OWN. 72 00:02:58,432 --> 00:02:59,436 MAN, HOW DO I GET A DEAL LIKE THAT? 73 00:02:59,436 --> 00:03:01,445 YOU DON'T. YOU'RE MARRIED TO ME. BUMMER. 74 00:03:01,445 --> 00:03:02,457 BUT I'M GONNA TAKE YOU OUT, I'M GONNA WINE YOU, 75 00:03:02,457 --> 00:03:05,448 I'M GONNA DINE YOU, I'M GONNA KEEP YOU OUT TILL 10:00. 76 00:03:05,448 --> 00:03:06,459 WHOA. 77 00:03:06,459 --> 00:03:08,461 [ SIGHS ] [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] 78 00:03:08,461 --> 00:03:10,463 THAT'S DIANE. OKAY, WAIT. 79 00:03:10,463 --> 00:03:12,447 IF SHE WANTS ANYTHING, JUST TELL HER 80 00:03:12,447 --> 00:03:13,468 THAT WE WERE IN A BANK ROBBERY TODAY. 81 00:03:13,468 --> 00:03:16,451 THEN I GOT CARJACKED. [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] 82 00:03:16,451 --> 00:03:19,454 NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! TELL HER MY COUSIN WAS MURDERED. 83 00:03:19,454 --> 00:03:21,467 WHAT? I DON'T LIKE MY COUSINS THAT MUCH. 84 00:03:21,467 --> 00:03:22,478 THAT'S CREEPY. THAT WEIRDED ME OUT. 85 00:03:22,478 --> 00:03:24,475 YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THAT. 86 00:03:24,475 --> 00:03:27,473 [ CELLPHONE ALERT BLARES ] HELLO. DIANE. WHAT'S UP? 87 00:03:27,473 --> 00:03:28,484 HI. PETER. 88 00:03:28,484 --> 00:03:31,486 I'M GONNA NEED YOUR HELP WITH THE SCHOOL FUNDRAISER TONIGHT. 89 00:03:31,486 --> 00:03:33,474 UH...OKAY. 90 00:03:33,474 --> 00:03:35,491 I'LL DONATE WHATEVER YOU'RE DONATING, PLUS A DOLLAR. 91 00:03:35,491 --> 00:03:37,473 NO, I'M GONNA NEED YOU IN PERSON, PETER. 92 00:03:37,473 --> 00:03:39,477 A LOT OF PEOPLE DROPPED OUT ON ME. 93 00:03:39,477 --> 00:03:42,485 I GUESS BANNING BEER [SCOFFS] FROM OKTOBERFEST 94 00:03:42,485 --> 00:03:43,491 MADE A LOT OF REAL ENEMIES. 95 00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:46,492 WELL, I'D LOVE TO PITCH IN TONIGHT, BUT ‐‐ 96 00:03:46,492 --> 00:03:49,492 GREAT, THANK YOU. NO, KATE AND I ARE GOING OUT TO DINNER. 97 00:03:49,492 --> 00:03:51,491 THAT'S FINE. BRING HER, TOO. 98 00:03:51,491 --> 00:03:53,498 YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING ME AT ALL. 99 00:03:53,498 --> 00:03:55,510 OH, I THINK I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY NOW. 100 00:03:55,510 --> 00:03:58,497 I JUST WISH THAT, UH, YOUR CHILDREN'S FUTURE 101 00:03:58,497 --> 00:04:02,499 WAS AS IMPORTANT TO YOU AS, YOU KNOW, A FUSSY DINNER 102 00:04:02,499 --> 00:04:04,503 AND, "OH, WHAT CAN I DO WITH A BRUSSEL SPROUT THESE DAYS?" 103 00:04:04,503 --> 00:04:05,512 IT'S OKAY. 104 00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,520 THERE'S OTHER FATHERS WHO WILL BE THERE FOR THEIR KIDS. 105 00:04:09,509 --> 00:04:12,508 WHAT TIME? I'LL NEED YOU STAT. 106 00:04:12,508 --> 00:04:14,515 JUST REMEMBER ‐‐ IT'S A THEMED FUNDRAISER, 107 00:04:14,515 --> 00:04:16,518 SO COME AS YOUR FAVORITE '80S ICON. 108 00:04:16,518 --> 00:04:18,519 GREAT. I'LL COME AS THE BERLIN WALL. 109 00:04:18,519 --> 00:04:22,518 THERE'S NO TIME FOR JOKING. I'LL SEE YOU SHORTLY. MARGARET THATCHER. 110 00:04:22,518 --> 00:04:23,535 WOW, BABE! VERY IMPRESSIVE. 111 00:04:23,535 --> 00:04:26,531 YOU HELD FIRM FOR ALMOST TWO SENTENCES. 112 00:04:26,531 --> 00:04:28,526 WHAT KIND OF AN EMERGENCY WAS IT THIS TIME, 113 00:04:28,526 --> 00:04:31,528 A NEURO‐OPTIC PLASMADECTAMOSCOPY? 114 00:04:31,528 --> 00:04:32,548 MY CHILDREN'S FUTURE. 115 00:04:32,548 --> 00:04:35,551 I PROMISE, I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU. FINE. 116 00:04:35,551 --> 00:04:37,532 BUT I'M TELLING YOU ‐‐ 117 00:04:37,532 --> 00:04:38,552 SHOULD HAVE GONE WITH THE MURDERED COUSIN. 118 00:04:38,552 --> 00:04:39,555 YOU'RE SCARING ME. ♪ THEY GOT THE BEAT ♪ 119 00:04:39,555 --> 00:04:42,541 ♪ THEY GOT THE BEAT ♪ 120 00:04:42,541 --> 00:04:44,547 ♪ THEY GOT THE BEAT ♪ 121 00:04:44,547 --> 00:04:46,549 ♪ YEAH, THEY GOT THE BEAT ♪ 122 00:04:46,549 --> 00:04:48,551 [ LAUGHTER ] 123 00:04:48,551 --> 00:04:51,550 WHAT IS IT WITH PARENTS AND THEME PARTIES? 124 00:04:51,550 --> 00:04:53,559 THEY'RE TRYING TO GET BACK TO A TIME WHEN THEY WERE HAPPY. 125 00:04:53,559 --> 00:04:55,566 WELL, SHOOT ME WHEN I'M 40. 126 00:04:55,566 --> 00:04:56,568 I MEAN 50. 127 00:04:56,568 --> 00:04:58,568 I MEAN ‐‐ I'LL STOP. 128 00:04:58,568 --> 00:05:00,568 PETER, FINALLY. 129 00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,569 HEY. DIANE. 130 00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,561 YOU LOOK GREAT. WHO ARE YOU? 131 00:05:04,561 --> 00:05:05,569 OH, COME ON, KATE. 132 00:05:05,569 --> 00:05:06,579 YOU GOT THIS. 133 00:05:06,579 --> 00:05:08,567 UH... 134 00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:09,586 HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT. 135 00:05:09,586 --> 00:05:11,568 ♪ YEAH, THEY GO THE BEAT ♪ 136 00:05:11,568 --> 00:05:13,571 SPOCK. NO. 137 00:05:13,571 --> 00:05:15,582 BLANCHE FROM "THE GOLDEN GIRLS"? 138 00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:18,576 PAT BENATAR. OH. 139 00:05:18,576 --> 00:05:21,584 AND, UH, LET ME GUESS. YOU'RE BILLY IDOL, AND YOU ARE... 140 00:05:21,584 --> 00:05:24,580 MELANIE GRIFFITH. "WORKING GIRL" FROM THE '80S. 141 00:05:24,580 --> 00:05:25,584 YES, WELL, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU 142 00:05:25,584 --> 00:05:26,596 FINALLY DRESSED UP LIKE AN ADULT. THANK YOU. 143 00:05:26,596 --> 00:05:28,603 UM, PETER, I'M GONNA NEED YOU TO INTRODUCE ME ONSTAGE 144 00:05:28,603 --> 00:05:31,591 LATER ON TONIGHT, SO I'VE WRITTEN OUT SOME TALKING POINTS. 145 00:05:31,591 --> 00:05:33,607 DON'T YOU JUST WANT ME TO TELL THEM YOU'RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE? 146 00:05:33,607 --> 00:05:35,598 YES, BUT I'D LIKE FOR IT TO SOUND NATURAL. 147 00:05:35,598 --> 00:05:37,600 PLEASE GO HELP PATTY STOCK THE BAR. 148 00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,601 AND WHAT CAN YOU DO? 149 00:05:39,601 --> 00:05:40,617 I DON'T KNOW. WHAT CAN YOU DO? 150 00:05:40,617 --> 00:05:42,604 OH, MAYBE YOU COULD HELP THE CATERERS 151 00:05:42,604 --> 00:05:43,615 WITH THE VEGETABLE PLATTERS. 152 00:05:45,603 --> 00:05:48,606 THANK YOU AGAIN FOR COMING. I'LL BE AT THE BAR. 153 00:05:48,606 --> 00:05:51,608 IF YOU NEED SOME LIQUOR, I'M YOUR MAN. 154 00:05:51,608 --> 00:05:55,613 UGH. THIS BLOWS. 155 00:05:55,613 --> 00:05:57,634 ♪ 'CAUSE I'VE BEEN TOSSED AROUND AND 'ROUND ♪ 156 00:05:57,634 --> 00:05:59,621 ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪ 157 00:05:59,621 --> 00:06:01,631 MRS. STEINBERG! HI! 158 00:06:01,631 --> 00:06:04,634 I LOVE YOUR COSTUME. WHO ARE YOU? 159 00:06:04,634 --> 00:06:06,638 OH, UH, I'M JUST ME. 160 00:06:06,638 --> 00:06:10,647 NO ONE TOLD ME IT WAS A THEME PARTY. 161 00:06:10,647 --> 00:06:13,649 YOU ‐‐ I MEAN, YOU LOOK AMAZING. 162 00:06:13,649 --> 00:06:15,644 JUST GORGEOUS. 163 00:06:15,644 --> 00:06:18,633 ANYWAY, UH, LISTEN, SO DIANE WANTED US 164 00:06:18,633 --> 00:06:21,650 TO SWITCH JOBS TODAY, SO YOU ARE ON VEGETABLES. 165 00:06:21,650 --> 00:06:25,642 OH, DID SHE NOT LIKE THE WAY I MADE THE PUNCH? 166 00:06:25,642 --> 00:06:27,654 WOMAN: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU. GUESS NOT. 167 00:06:28,659 --> 00:06:30,652 THERE IS COW MILK IN THIS FRIDGE. 168 00:06:30,652 --> 00:06:32,656 I MEAN, HELLO? WHERE'S THE LLAMA MILK? 169 00:06:32,656 --> 00:06:34,668 AND ONLY ONE KIND OF HUMMUS? 170 00:06:34,668 --> 00:06:38,652 OH, OF COURSE. LITTLE‐LADY MARGARITAS. 171 00:06:38,652 --> 00:06:40,660 REAL CLASSY, KATE. OH, THAT'S DAD'S. 172 00:06:40,660 --> 00:06:44,665 WELL, EITHER WAY, THESE THINGS ARE JUST LOADED WITH CHEMICALS. 173 00:06:44,665 --> 00:06:47,683 YEAH, DEFINITELY. 174 00:06:47,683 --> 00:06:49,666 HEY, MOM! 175 00:06:49,666 --> 00:06:52,673 SET THE TIMER FOR MY ONE HOUR AND TWO MINUTES OF TV TIME? 176 00:06:52,673 --> 00:06:53,685 OH, HON, YOU ONLY GET AN HOUR. 177 00:06:53,685 --> 00:06:56,674 BUT I NEED TIME TO GET COMFORTABLE AND FOR PEE BREAKS. 178 00:06:56,674 --> 00:06:58,695 OH, SWEETIE! YOU ARE SUCH A PLANNER. 179 00:06:58,695 --> 00:07:02,677 WILL YOU PROMISE ME YOU WON'T FORGET TO LET YOURSELF FAIL? 180 00:07:03,699 --> 00:07:06,690 WHEW. WOW. THAT JUST GOT REAL. 181 00:07:06,690 --> 00:07:08,697 MY TURN. CHELSEA CLINTON IS LIVE CHATTING. 182 00:07:08,697 --> 00:07:10,687 AND I WANT TO ASK HER HOW SHE BALANCES IT ALL. 183 00:07:10,687 --> 00:07:11,703 OH, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP, 184 00:07:11,703 --> 00:07:13,705 BUT THIS HORSE AND THIS CAT ARE BEST FRIENDS. 185 00:07:13,705 --> 00:07:15,694 [ HORSE WHINNIES ] 186 00:07:15,694 --> 00:07:16,702 GO USE JACKIE'S. 187 00:07:16,702 --> 00:07:21,698 [ SIGHS ] OH, MAN. WHAT IS THIS? 188 00:07:21,698 --> 00:07:23,700 WARREN, COME HERE. IT'S SOME KIND OF DATING SITE. 189 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:26,703 [ CLICK ] OH. HELLO. 190 00:07:26,703 --> 00:07:28,705 IF YOU'VE STUMBLED UPON MY PROFILE, 191 00:07:28,705 --> 00:07:30,707 THEN I ALREADY KNOW THAT YOU LIKE YOGA, 192 00:07:30,707 --> 00:07:32,726 TUVAN THROAT SINGERS, AND NASCAR. 193 00:07:32,726 --> 00:07:34,725 [ GROANS ] BUT NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO JOURNEY 194 00:07:34,725 --> 00:07:36,712 JUST A LITTLE FARTHER WITH ME. 195 00:07:36,712 --> 00:07:38,712 SO COME ON! 196 00:07:38,712 --> 00:07:39,718 WHERE DOES SHE WANT US TO GO? 197 00:07:44,725 --> 00:07:45,736 [ MUSIC PLAYS IN DISTANCE ] 198 00:07:45,736 --> 00:07:46,741 [ SIGHS ] 199 00:07:48,724 --> 00:07:49,745 WAY TO GO ‐‐ GETTING US CUP DUTY. 200 00:07:49,745 --> 00:07:51,730 IF WE'RE NOT GONNA HAVE FUN, 201 00:07:51,730 --> 00:07:52,742 AT LEAST WE CAN NOT HAVE FUN TOGETHER. 202 00:07:52,742 --> 00:07:55,735 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE HAD TO CANCEL OUR PLANS TO CARRY CUPS. 203 00:07:55,735 --> 00:07:56,741 I THINK WE OWE IT TO OURSELVES 204 00:07:56,741 --> 00:07:59,733 TO AT LEAST TRY THEM OUT, DON'T YOU? 205 00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:01,750 WOW. GOT ANYTHING ELSE IN THERE? 206 00:08:01,750 --> 00:08:03,752 AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO. 207 00:08:03,752 --> 00:08:04,758 IT'S NOT VOULOIR, 208 00:08:04,758 --> 00:08:06,755 BUT AT LEAST IT'S JUST THE TWO OF US DOWN HERE. 209 00:08:06,755 --> 00:08:08,749 I'M NOT GONNA LET DIANE RUIN OUR NIGHT. 210 00:08:08,749 --> 00:08:10,766 WE GOT HALF AN HOUR. WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND? 211 00:08:10,766 --> 00:08:15,749 A LITTLE WINE, A LITTLE CHEESE, A LITTLE...YOU KNOW. 212 00:08:15,749 --> 00:08:16,751 REALLY? 213 00:08:16,751 --> 00:08:17,773 SCHOOL'S ALWAYS MADE ME HORNY. 214 00:08:17,773 --> 00:08:19,773 OH. SURE. YEAH. ME TOO. 215 00:08:19,773 --> 00:08:21,760 [ CLICKS TONGUE ] 216 00:08:25,762 --> 00:08:27,779 MM. DO THAT AGAIN, YOU'LL BE DANCING WITH YOURSELF. 217 00:08:27,779 --> 00:08:29,767 [ DRUMMING ] 218 00:08:31,780 --> 00:08:33,787 WELL, THAT'S THE END OF THE SONG 219 00:08:33,787 --> 00:08:35,771 "NO, THAT'S NOT MY ELEPHANT." 220 00:08:35,771 --> 00:08:36,790 WELL? [ BOTH GASP ] 221 00:08:36,790 --> 00:08:39,779 PRETTY GOOD, RIGHT? DON'T YOU THINK? 222 00:08:39,779 --> 00:08:41,780 UH...DO YOU WANT US TO TELL YOU 223 00:08:41,780 --> 00:08:43,785 WHAT YOU WANT TO HEAR OR TELL YOU THE TRUTH? 224 00:08:43,785 --> 00:08:44,795 OH, TELL ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. 225 00:08:44,795 --> 00:08:46,802 OH! IT'S AWESOME! 226 00:08:46,802 --> 00:08:49,805 I MEAN, YOU ARE GOING TO FIND THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS. 227 00:08:49,805 --> 00:08:52,801 FANTASTIC. OH! I KNEW IT. I KNEW IT! 228 00:08:52,801 --> 00:08:54,793 BUT IT IS A LITTLE LONG. 229 00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:56,791 HUH. AND HAS A LOT OF THOUGHTS. 230 00:08:56,791 --> 00:08:57,804 HMM. 231 00:08:57,804 --> 00:09:00,803 AND ‐‐ AND MAYBE THREE TOO MANY IMPRESSIONS. FOUR. 232 00:09:00,803 --> 00:09:01,809 WELL... 233 00:09:01,809 --> 00:09:02,820 [ AS FOGHORN LEGHORN ] I SAY, I SAY, I SAY, 234 00:09:02,820 --> 00:09:05,808 YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH IMPRESSIONS. 235 00:09:05,808 --> 00:09:06,813 [ IMITATES LASER FIRE ] 236 00:09:08,811 --> 00:09:10,826 [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] YEAH, THAT ‐‐ THAT'S FUN STUFF. 237 00:09:10,826 --> 00:09:12,828 YEAH. HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA, JACKIE. 238 00:09:12,828 --> 00:09:14,812 I COULD RE‐EDIT THIS FOR YOU. 239 00:09:14,812 --> 00:09:15,832 HMM. ZHUZH IT UP A LITTLE? 240 00:09:15,832 --> 00:09:18,832 YEAH! AND, UH, I CAN HELP WITH YOUR WARDROBE. 241 00:09:18,832 --> 00:09:20,834 LET'S GO SEE WHAT KATE HAS IN HER CLOSET. YEAH. 242 00:09:20,834 --> 00:09:22,839 OKAY, YOU KNOW, WE CAN TRY, 243 00:09:22,839 --> 00:09:24,826 BUT I THINK WE ALL KNOW THAT KATE TAKES 244 00:09:24,826 --> 00:09:26,827 HER FASHION CUES FROM THIS GAL. 245 00:09:26,827 --> 00:09:28,825 [ CHUCKLES ] 246 00:09:29,827 --> 00:09:31,839 WELL, THAT WAS PRETTY ROCK 'N' ROLL. 247 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,831 SMOKING‐HOT SEX IN THE CLOSET, 248 00:09:33,831 --> 00:09:35,844 A LITTLE ARTISANAL GOAT CHEESE. 249 00:09:35,844 --> 00:09:37,850 I THINK I'M MISSING A SHOULDER PAD. 250 00:09:37,850 --> 00:09:39,837 OH, HERE. I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE. 251 00:09:39,837 --> 00:09:40,842 THANKS, BABE. 252 00:09:40,842 --> 00:09:42,841 ALL RIGHT, YOU WANT TO GRAB THE CUPS? YEAH. 253 00:09:42,841 --> 00:09:44,841 I GOT TO GET UP THERE AND INTRODUCE PAT BENATAR 254 00:09:44,841 --> 00:09:49,846 TO THE BREAKFAST CLUB AND ABOUT A DOZEN JAMES SPADERS. 255 00:09:49,846 --> 00:09:51,857 OH, MY GOD. THERE'S NO HANDLE. 256 00:09:51,857 --> 00:09:53,859 WHAT? THERE'S NO HANDLE. 257 00:09:53,859 --> 00:09:56,852 ARE YOU SURE? WAIT. LET ME CHECK A THIRD TIME, OKAY? 258 00:09:56,852 --> 00:09:57,866 UH, NO. NO HANDLE. 259 00:09:57,866 --> 00:10:00,860 WE'RE RAISING MONEY FOR A STUPID VEGETABLE GARDEN 260 00:10:00,860 --> 00:10:01,879 AND THE DOORS DON'T HAVE ANY HANDLES? 261 00:10:01,879 --> 00:10:05,860 HELLO? ANYBODY OUT THERE? 262 00:10:05,860 --> 00:10:07,876 [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] UH, WE'RE IN THE CLOSET HERE. 263 00:10:07,876 --> 00:10:09,868 [ POUNDING ON DOOR ] 264 00:10:09,868 --> 00:10:11,871 AND ONE OF US REALLY HAS TO PEE! 265 00:10:14,883 --> 00:10:15,889 ♪ KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA, KARMA CHAMELEON ♪ 266 00:10:15,889 --> 00:10:18,878 ♪ YOU COME AND GO ♪ PETER, WHERE ARE YOU? 267 00:10:18,878 --> 00:10:19,879 [ SIGHS ] 268 00:10:19,879 --> 00:10:21,891 ♪ YOU COME AND GO ♪ 269 00:10:21,891 --> 00:10:22,896 PATTY. 270 00:10:22,896 --> 00:10:24,887 PETER HAS DISAPPEARED, 271 00:10:24,887 --> 00:10:26,885 SO I NEED YOU TO VOLUNTEER TO INTRODUCE ME. 272 00:10:26,885 --> 00:10:27,886 OH, TO WHO? 273 00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:29,898 "TO WHOM." 274 00:10:29,898 --> 00:10:32,902 AND IT'S THE ENTIRE AUDITORIUM. 275 00:10:32,902 --> 00:10:35,896 I'VE WRITTEN UP SOME TALKING POINTS FOR PETER, 276 00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,905 SO JUST MAKE THEM YOUR OWN, OKAY? 277 00:10:37,905 --> 00:10:41,913 UH, I‐I'M TERRIFIED OF PUBLIC SPEAKING. 278 00:10:43,912 --> 00:10:47,903 OKAY. I GUESS IT'S NOW OR NEVER. 279 00:10:47,903 --> 00:10:48,914 [ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ] IT'S NOW. 280 00:10:48,914 --> 00:10:50,921 I REALLY CAN'T. TAKE A SIP. 281 00:10:50,921 --> 00:10:52,918 SIP? YEAH. GOOD. COME ON. 282 00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:55,923 OKAY. [ FEEDBACK ] 283 00:10:55,923 --> 00:11:00,921 HI. I'M PETER ‐‐ UM, PATTY STEINBERG. 284 00:11:00,921 --> 00:11:04,930 UM, MOST OF YOU KNOW ME AS WARREN AND HILLARY'S FATH‐‐ 285 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:06,936 [ STAMMERS ] 286 00:11:06,936 --> 00:11:08,923 OHH. 287 00:11:08,923 --> 00:11:10,925 [ VOICE BREAKING ] AND IT IS MY HONOR TO INTRODUCE 288 00:11:10,925 --> 00:11:14,940 THE CHAIR OF TONIGHT'S EVENT, DR. DIANE BUCKLEY. 289 00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:15,946 [ APPLAUSE ] 290 00:11:15,946 --> 00:11:19,955 RENOWNED SURGEON, TWO‐TIME SILVER MEDALIST 291 00:11:19,955 --> 00:11:24,950 IN THE 100‐METER BREASTSTROKE, AND THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN. 292 00:11:24,950 --> 00:11:25,956 [ CROWD MURMURS ] 293 00:11:25,956 --> 00:11:27,954 [ CRYING ] DIANE BUCKLEY. 294 00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:31,952 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE ALWAYS‐ECCENTRIC MRS. STEINBERG. 295 00:11:31,952 --> 00:11:32,957 YES, THANK YOU. 296 00:11:32,957 --> 00:11:33,964 GET IT TOGETHER, PATTY. GET IT TOGETHER. 297 00:11:33,964 --> 00:11:34,960 OKAY. THAT WASN'T SO BAD. 298 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,973 WE ARE HERE TONIGHT FOR ONE REASON ‐‐ 299 00:11:36,973 --> 00:11:38,968 JOSEPH BROOKS HIGH SCHOOL. 300 00:11:38,968 --> 00:11:40,972 AND WITH YOUR GENEROUS DONATIONS, 301 00:11:40,972 --> 00:11:43,969 WE CAN MAKE MUCH NEEDED IMPROVEMENTS ON CAMPUS, 302 00:11:43,969 --> 00:11:49,981 SUCH AS A VEGETABLE GARDEN, MORE HANDICAP RAMPS ON CAMPUS, 303 00:11:49,981 --> 00:11:51,983 EXTRA COUNSELING TO DEAL 304 00:11:51,983 --> 00:11:55,973 WITH THE RECENT RASH OF TEEN PREGNANCIES. 305 00:11:55,973 --> 00:11:56,976 YOU GOT ANYTHING? 306 00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:57,984 NOPE. NOT A THING. 307 00:11:57,984 --> 00:11:59,974 [ SIGHS ] 308 00:11:59,974 --> 00:12:00,980 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 309 00:12:00,980 --> 00:12:01,998 I'M GONNA JIMMY THE LOCK. 310 00:12:01,998 --> 00:12:03,990 DO YOU KNOW HOW TO JIMMY? 311 00:12:03,990 --> 00:12:06,986 SURE. YOU JUST ‐‐ 312 00:12:06,986 --> 00:12:08,001 THAT WAS MY DRIVER'S LICENSE. 313 00:12:08,001 --> 00:12:09,986 [ GROANS ] 314 00:12:09,986 --> 00:12:12,002 GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE. 315 00:12:12,002 --> 00:12:13,008 [ SIGHS ] 316 00:12:15,001 --> 00:12:16,012 [ GRUNTS ] [ METAL CLANGS ] 317 00:12:16,012 --> 00:12:18,996 OH! OOH! 318 00:12:18,996 --> 00:12:20,013 WHY DID YOU DO THAT? 319 00:12:20,013 --> 00:12:22,008 I DON'T KNOW. I GOT TO PEE. 320 00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:23,019 HOW BAD? 321 00:12:23,019 --> 00:12:25,021 UH, SOMEWHERE BETWEEN "BERT ON A HIGHWAY" BAD 322 00:12:25,021 --> 00:12:27,017 AND "WARREN IN A HOT TUB" BAD. 323 00:12:27,017 --> 00:12:30,018 OH, MY GOD. HELP! 324 00:12:30,018 --> 00:12:32,008 [ CLANGING ] HELP! 325 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,027 ALL RIGHT, WHAT ABOUT THIS? 326 00:12:35,027 --> 00:12:37,015 UH, YEAH. SURE. 327 00:12:37,015 --> 00:12:39,013 IF YOU HAVE A BODY LIKE A 10‐YEAR‐OLD BOY. 328 00:12:39,013 --> 00:12:40,019 BUT UNLIKE KATE, SEE, 329 00:12:40,019 --> 00:12:42,028 I HAVE WOMEN'S BREASTS AND A BUTT LIKE BEYONCÉ. 330 00:12:42,028 --> 00:12:43,035 OKAY. OH, WAIT. 331 00:12:43,035 --> 00:12:45,037 WHO ARE YOU?! 332 00:12:45,037 --> 00:12:47,030 THIS IS NICE. 333 00:12:47,030 --> 00:12:48,041 THAT'S THE BED SPREAD. SO? 334 00:12:48,041 --> 00:12:51,044 SEE THIS? THIS WAS A TABLECLOTH ONCE. YEAH. 335 00:12:51,044 --> 00:12:53,050 SO MUCH FOR THAT THANKSGIVING. WON'T BE INVITED BACK. [ CHUCKLES ] 336 00:12:53,050 --> 00:12:56,041 HEY, WHY DOESN'T SHE KEEP THE SEWING MACHINE 337 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:58,045 BY THE BED LIKE A NORMAL PERSON? 338 00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,054 OH. I DON'T KNOW. 339 00:12:59,054 --> 00:13:01,056 I NEED A B‐12 SHOT. 340 00:13:01,056 --> 00:13:04,040 SO, THIS IS ME. [ CHUCKLES ] 341 00:13:04,040 --> 00:13:06,042 AND OVER HERE, 342 00:13:06,042 --> 00:13:11,056 WELL, I'VE LEFT JUST A LITTLE BIT OF ROOM FOR YOU. 343 00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:13,054 WHAT'S THAT? 344 00:13:13,054 --> 00:13:15,051 OH, I‐I FOUND SOME COOL EXPLOSION FOOTAGE 345 00:13:15,051 --> 00:13:16,061 I WANTED TO ADD TO YOUR MOM'S VIDEO. 346 00:13:16,061 --> 00:13:18,059 WHY IS SHE MAKING A VIDEO? 347 00:13:18,059 --> 00:13:19,073 TO MEET A MAN. 348 00:13:19,073 --> 00:13:20,076 WHY? SO SHE CAN GET MARRIED. 349 00:13:22,056 --> 00:13:25,059 OH. BERT, HEY, BUDDY. I'M SORRY. 350 00:13:25,059 --> 00:13:27,065 YOU KNOW, MAYBE THEY'LL JUST DO IT. 351 00:13:27,065 --> 00:13:30,064 [ SIGHS ] 352 00:13:30,064 --> 00:13:31,079 HE'S LUCKY TO HAVE A BROTHER LIKE ME. 353 00:13:31,079 --> 00:13:34,083 [ CLICKING ] 354 00:13:34,083 --> 00:13:37,086 PETE, YOU'VE BEEN DOING THIS FOR THE PAST 10 MINUTES. 355 00:13:37,086 --> 00:13:39,078 IT'S A BIG SCHOOL. 356 00:13:39,078 --> 00:13:41,087 WE'LL GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION EVENTUALLY. 357 00:13:43,092 --> 00:13:44,092 THIS IS RIDICULOUS. 358 00:13:44,092 --> 00:13:47,081 I SHOULD BE DRUNK AND EATING SNAILS RIGHT NOW. 359 00:13:47,081 --> 00:13:49,089 WELL, YOU CAN BLAME DIANE FOR THAT. 360 00:13:49,089 --> 00:13:51,101 OH, REALLY? YOU WANT TO BLAME DIANE FOR THAT? 361 00:13:51,101 --> 00:13:53,099 JACKIE HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. 362 00:13:55,104 --> 00:13:57,091 YOU THINK THIS IS MY FAULT? 363 00:13:57,106 --> 00:13:59,113 MY FAULT? HOW IS ‐‐ HOW IS THIS MY FAULT? 364 00:13:59,113 --> 00:14:03,108 PETE, WE HAD PLANS TONIGHT AND YOU LET DIANE CHANGE THEM. 365 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:05,114 YEAH, BUT YOU ‐‐ YOU ‐‐ YOU HEARD THAT GUILT TRIP 366 00:14:05,114 --> 00:14:08,103 SHE LAID ON ME ABOUT WARREN AND HILLARY. 367 00:14:08,103 --> 00:14:09,118 HON, THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING WITH DIANE. 368 00:14:09,118 --> 00:14:12,117 SOMETHING ABOUT THE KIDS OR SOME FATAL KNEE SURGERY, 369 00:14:12,117 --> 00:14:14,128 WHICH, BY THE WAY, I STILL DON'T BELIEVE IS A REAL THING. 370 00:14:14,128 --> 00:14:16,116 I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH DIANE FOR A LONG TIME. 371 00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:17,131 YOU START ARGUING WITH HER ABOUT ONE THING, 372 00:14:17,131 --> 00:14:20,115 PRETTY SOON YOU'RE ARGUING ABOUT EVERYTHING. 373 00:14:20,115 --> 00:14:21,136 BETTER TO AVOID IT. BELIEVE ME. 374 00:14:21,136 --> 00:14:23,128 OH, IT'S EASIER TO AVOID IT? REALLY? 375 00:14:23,128 --> 00:14:25,121 AND IT'S BETTER TO BE STUCK IN HERE 376 00:14:25,121 --> 00:14:27,135 WITH YOUR LITTLE ELECTRICAL EXPERIMENT? 377 00:14:27,135 --> 00:14:28,136 I MEAN, LIKE, "OOH! OH, LET ME TRY. 378 00:14:28,136 --> 00:14:30,135 HERE. HELLO? IS IT WORKING NOW?" 379 00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:33,150 HELLO? SOMEONE'S IN HERE. 380 00:14:33,150 --> 00:14:35,146 OKAY. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO? 381 00:14:35,146 --> 00:14:37,134 WHAT WOULD I LIKE YOU TO DO? 382 00:14:37,134 --> 00:14:38,144 I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO STAND UP TO HER. 383 00:14:38,144 --> 00:14:40,146 I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO SAY NO SOMETIMES. 384 00:14:40,146 --> 00:14:43,154 I WOULD LIKE TO NOT PEE ON A SPONGE AND IN A REAL TOILET. 385 00:14:43,154 --> 00:14:46,141 I WOULD LIKE FOR YOU TO GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW. 386 00:14:46,141 --> 00:14:47,158 FINE. 387 00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:48,160 [ SIGHS ] 388 00:14:48,160 --> 00:14:50,157 DIANE: CHILDHOOD OBESITY ‐‐ 389 00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,158 [ SWITCHES CLICK ] 390 00:14:52,158 --> 00:14:54,166 EXCUSE ME? HELLO? THE LIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT. 391 00:14:54,166 --> 00:14:56,163 WOMAN: I WISH YOUR MIKE WOULD GO OUT! 392 00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,166 EXCUSE ME. I CAN HEAR YOU. 393 00:14:58,166 --> 00:15:01,171 [ SIGHS ] I HATE THESE FUNDRAISERS. 394 00:15:05,164 --> 00:15:06,165 PETE: YOU STILL MAD AT ME? 395 00:15:06,165 --> 00:15:07,171 KATE: NO, I'M REALLY HAPPY. 396 00:15:07,171 --> 00:15:08,182 THIS TURNED OUT TO BE A REALLY NICE TIME. 397 00:15:08,182 --> 00:15:10,174 ARE YOU BEING SARCASTIC? I CAN'T TELL. 398 00:15:10,174 --> 00:15:12,184 IT'S TOO DARK IN ‐‐ 399 00:15:12,184 --> 00:15:14,185 OH. GEEZ. 400 00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:16,188 YOU KNOW, PETE. 401 00:15:16,188 --> 00:15:20,191 I GUESS I WAS JUST REALLY EXCITED ABOUT SPENDING 402 00:15:20,191 --> 00:15:23,181 SOME GROWNUP TIME WITH MY HUSBAND ‐‐ THAT'S ALL. 403 00:15:23,181 --> 00:15:27,204 KATE... THIS IS MY SINCERE FACE. 404 00:15:27,204 --> 00:15:29,200 NOTHING ‐‐ [ GASPS ] 405 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,188 OH, MY GOD! 406 00:15:31,188 --> 00:15:32,199 THANK YOU SO MUCH! 407 00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:35,206 GO! GO! I HAVE TO PEE! THANK YOU SO MUCH! 408 00:15:35,206 --> 00:15:38,194 YEAH, WE CAME IN HERE TO GET SOME CUPS 409 00:15:38,194 --> 00:15:39,211 AND THE DOOR SLAMMED BEHIND US. WRONG WAY. IT'S THIS WAY. 410 00:15:39,211 --> 00:15:41,209 I HAD TO JIMMY THE LOCK. 411 00:15:41,209 --> 00:15:44,201 I KNOW HOW TO JIMMY, BUT THE DOOR HAS A DESIGN FLAW, 412 00:15:44,201 --> 00:15:46,212 SO I HAD TO ‐‐ IS THIS YOURS? 413 00:15:46,212 --> 00:15:47,222 OH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. MY LICENSE. 414 00:15:47,222 --> 00:15:49,212 UH, YOU MIGHT WANT TO ZIP UP YOUR FLY. 415 00:15:49,212 --> 00:15:51,222 OH, YOU KNOW WHAT ‐‐ MY HANDS ARE FULL. 416 00:15:51,222 --> 00:15:54,220 DO YOU MI‐‐ I GOT IT. 417 00:15:54,220 --> 00:15:57,218 OKAY. ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN'T SEE MY HOO‐HA? 418 00:15:57,218 --> 00:15:58,228 OKAY, JACKIE. MM‐HMM. 419 00:15:58,228 --> 00:15:59,233 YOU PROMISED ME THAT YOU WOULD IGNORE YOUR INSTINCTS. 420 00:15:59,233 --> 00:16:01,231 SO, NO BEAT‐BOXING? 421 00:16:01,231 --> 00:16:03,237 WE'RE JUST ‐‐ I'M NOT GONNA ‐‐ OKAY. NO. 422 00:16:03,237 --> 00:16:07,235 AND IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE... 423 00:16:08,237 --> 00:16:09,241 ...ONE! [ CAMCORDER BEEPS ] 424 00:16:09,241 --> 00:16:12,245 HI. I'M JACKIE. 425 00:16:12,245 --> 00:16:13,250 ARE YOU LOOKING TO SHARE YOUR LIFE 426 00:16:13,250 --> 00:16:15,248 WITH SOMEONE AND LEARN IKEBANA, 427 00:16:15,248 --> 00:16:18,246 THE JAPANESE ART OF FLOWER ARRANGEMENT? 428 00:16:18,246 --> 00:16:19,251 [ RAPID FOOTSTEPS ] OR MAY‐‐ 429 00:16:19,251 --> 00:16:22,256 YEAH! NOODLE DANCE! OH, YEAH! CUT! 430 00:16:22,256 --> 00:16:23,260 HEY, WE'RE WORKING ON SOMETHING HERE, 431 00:16:23,260 --> 00:16:25,255 SO DO YOU MIND GOING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMERA? 432 00:16:25,255 --> 00:16:26,261 I JUST WANTED TO SEE 433 00:16:26,261 --> 00:16:29,250 IF YOU WANTED TO DO THE NOODLE DANCE WITH ME. 434 00:16:29,250 --> 00:16:30,260 YELLOW? WELL, I LOVE THE NOODLE DANCE. 435 00:16:30,260 --> 00:16:33,270 BUT LET ME FINISH UP HERE, AND THEN I'M ALL YOURS. FINE. 436 00:16:33,270 --> 00:16:35,264 OKAY, AND I GUESS THAT WE'LL JUST PICK UP 437 00:16:35,264 --> 00:16:36,269 FROM WHERE WE LEFT OFF, ALL RIGHT? 438 00:16:36,269 --> 00:16:39,272 OKAY. AND...ACTION. 439 00:16:39,272 --> 00:16:43,262 FIVE, FOUR, THREE... 440 00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:44,273 TO ME. 441 00:16:44,273 --> 00:16:47,267 OR MAYBE MUSIC IS WHERE YOUR INTERESTS LIE. 442 00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:49,283 HELLO! WHAT DOES A GUY HAVE TO DO 443 00:16:49,283 --> 00:16:51,271 TO GET A COOKIE AROUND HERE? [ CAMCORDER BEEPS ] 444 00:16:51,271 --> 00:16:53,270 CAN JUST SOMEONE GET THE KID A COOKIE? 445 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,286 BERTIE‐BOO, DO YOU MIND? YES, I MIND. 446 00:16:55,286 --> 00:16:58,284 I HATE YOUR DUMB MOVIE, AND YOU LOOK WEIRD IN THOSE CLOTHES. 447 00:16:58,284 --> 00:17:00,276 [ GASPS ] 448 00:17:00,276 --> 00:17:01,297 OKAY, BERTIE. 449 00:17:01,297 --> 00:17:03,290 THIS IS WHY I NEVER WORK WITH KIDS. 450 00:17:03,290 --> 00:17:05,297 THEY HAVE NO WORK ETHIC. I KNOW. 451 00:17:05,297 --> 00:17:09,287 HEY, LET'S HEAR IT FOR OUR SENIOR CLASS LEADERS, 452 00:17:09,287 --> 00:17:12,300 WHO SPOKE SO PASSIONATELY ABOUT THE NEEDS OF OUR SCHOOL. 453 00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:17,300 I HAVE TO SAY, THE HAIKU ABOUT THE RE‐PAVED PARKING LOT ‐‐ 454 00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,302 THAT WILL STAY WITH ME. 455 00:17:19,302 --> 00:17:22,310 SO, THANK YOU TO MOST OF YOU. 456 00:17:22,310 --> 00:17:24,306 [ APPLAUSE ] 457 00:17:24,306 --> 00:17:27,314 YOU WANT TO STAY AND HAVE A DRINK? NOPE. NOT REALLY. 458 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,307 I JUST WANT THIS NIGHT TO BE OVER. 459 00:17:29,307 --> 00:17:30,320 DIANE: PETER! 460 00:17:33,309 --> 00:17:34,322 ONE SECOND. 461 00:17:34,322 --> 00:17:36,316 [ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ] 462 00:17:36,316 --> 00:17:37,327 FINALLY. 463 00:17:37,327 --> 00:17:39,325 THERE'S JUST ONE MORE THING I NEED ‐‐ NO. 464 00:17:39,325 --> 00:17:40,331 BUT I NEED ‐‐ NO. 465 00:17:40,331 --> 00:17:42,329 PETER, I NEED YOUR HELP FOR ONE MINUTE. 466 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,321 NO. THE ANSWER IS NO. 467 00:17:44,321 --> 00:17:45,342 BUT, PETER, I NEED YOU ‐‐ DIANE, NO. 468 00:17:45,342 --> 00:17:47,326 KATE AND I HAD PLANS TONIGHT. 469 00:17:47,326 --> 00:17:48,342 I ‐‐ I LET YOU STEAMROLL ME INTO CHANGING THEM, 470 00:17:48,342 --> 00:17:51,328 LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO, BUT FROM NOW ON, 471 00:17:51,328 --> 00:17:52,335 OUR PLANS COME FIRST, 472 00:17:52,335 --> 00:17:54,348 SO WHATEVER IT IS YOU WANT ME TO DO, DO IT YOURSELF. 473 00:17:54,348 --> 00:17:56,335 FAIR ENOUGH. 474 00:17:56,335 --> 00:17:59,352 JASON. 475 00:17:59,352 --> 00:18:02,355 APPARENTLY, PETER IS UNWILLING TO HELP ME 476 00:18:02,355 --> 00:18:06,349 LIFT YOU ONTO THE STAGE FOR THE COMMEMORATIVE PHOTO. 477 00:18:06,349 --> 00:18:10,345 SO, I'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP ME. 478 00:18:10,345 --> 00:18:12,346 PATTY! GRAB A WHEEL! 479 00:18:12,346 --> 00:18:14,370 [ THUD ] WE'RE GOING TO LIFT HIM ONSTAGE. 480 00:18:14,370 --> 00:18:16,358 BABE, THANK YOU. YOU'RE MY HERO. 481 00:18:16,358 --> 00:18:18,374 BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD SAY YES JUST ONE LAST TIME. 482 00:18:18,374 --> 00:18:20,369 YEAH. 483 00:18:20,369 --> 00:18:21,373 GRABBING A WHEEL. 484 00:18:21,373 --> 00:18:23,357 [ KNOCK ON DOOR ] 485 00:18:23,357 --> 00:18:25,363 BERT: I'M NOT HERE! 486 00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:28,380 WELL, THAT'S TOO BAD, BECAUSE I BROUGHT 487 00:18:28,380 --> 00:18:32,386 ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE PEOPLE HERE TO SEE YOU. 488 00:18:32,386 --> 00:18:34,387 [ AS CHRISTOPHER WALKEN ] BERT. 489 00:18:34,387 --> 00:18:36,380 I‐I DON'T UNDERSTAND 490 00:18:36,380 --> 00:18:40,374 WHY YOU WON'T OPEN THIS DOOR FOR ME. 491 00:18:40,374 --> 00:18:42,391 THAT'S CRAZY. UH... 492 00:18:42,391 --> 00:18:46,398 I CAN NEVER RESIST YOUR CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. NOBODY CAN. 493 00:18:47,398 --> 00:18:49,398 WHAT'S UP? 494 00:18:49,398 --> 00:18:52,393 I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET MARRIED. 495 00:18:52,393 --> 00:18:54,396 OH, WELL, WHO SAID ANYTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE? 496 00:18:54,396 --> 00:18:55,411 HEY, I'M JUST HOPING TO MEET SOMEONE 497 00:18:55,411 --> 00:18:58,395 THAT I CAN HANG OUT WITH. 498 00:18:58,395 --> 00:19:00,406 BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? WHY CAN'T WE HANG OUT? 499 00:19:00,406 --> 00:19:02,417 OH, WE CAN ALWAYS HANG OUT, AND WE DO, 500 00:19:02,417 --> 00:19:05,419 BUT I ALSO NEED TO SPEND TIME WITH SOMEONE MY OWN AGE. 501 00:19:05,419 --> 00:19:08,407 I KEEP READING "PERCY JACKSON," 502 00:19:08,407 --> 00:19:10,425 EVEN AFTER YOU'VE GONE TO BED, AND THAT'S NOT RIGHT. 503 00:19:10,425 --> 00:19:13,409 BUT IF YOU MEET SOMEONE, 504 00:19:13,409 --> 00:19:15,426 I WON'T BE YOUR NUMBER‐ONE GUY ANYMORE. 505 00:19:15,426 --> 00:19:17,413 OHH! BERT! 506 00:19:17,413 --> 00:19:18,434 OKAY, NOW, YOU LISTEN TO ME. 507 00:19:18,434 --> 00:19:20,436 NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, 508 00:19:20,436 --> 00:19:24,435 YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY NUMBER‐ONE GUY. 509 00:19:24,435 --> 00:19:26,435 OKAY? 510 00:19:26,435 --> 00:19:29,431 I PROMISE. MWAH. 511 00:19:29,431 --> 00:19:31,433 AND I DON'T HATE YOUR OUTFIT. 512 00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:34,440 I'VE JUST NEVER SEEN YOUR LEGS BEFORE. 513 00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:36,447 PETE: TA‐DA! 514 00:19:36,447 --> 00:19:38,449 [ GASPS ] WHAT'S THIS? 515 00:19:38,449 --> 00:19:40,450 A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR TWO. 516 00:19:40,450 --> 00:19:41,452 I HAVE AN IN WITH THE CHEF. 517 00:19:41,452 --> 00:19:43,445 WOW. YEAH. 518 00:19:43,445 --> 00:19:45,442 IS HE 8 AND CHINESE? 519 00:19:45,442 --> 00:19:48,449 UH, NO, HE'S 15 AND UNUSUAL. 520 00:19:48,449 --> 00:19:50,450 LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE. 521 00:19:50,450 --> 00:19:52,456 OOH, DINO NUGGETS 522 00:19:52,456 --> 00:19:54,466 WITH A TRIO OF DIPPING SAUCES ‐‐ 523 00:19:54,466 --> 00:19:58,462 RANCH, BARBECUE, AND...PEANUT BUTTER. 524 00:19:58,462 --> 00:19:59,475 GOOD CHOICE. CHUNKY. 525 00:19:59,475 --> 00:20:01,463 TO CLEANSE YOUR PALATE, I CAN OFFER YOU 526 00:20:01,463 --> 00:20:02,466 A CHOICE OF FRUIT LEATHER. 527 00:20:02,466 --> 00:20:06,465 WE HAVE VERY BERRY CHERRY AND PURPLE. 528 00:20:06,465 --> 00:20:08,481 SURPRISE ME. VERY GOOD. 529 00:20:08,481 --> 00:20:12,476 AND FOR DESSERT, WE HAVE WHISKEY. 530 00:20:12,476 --> 00:20:13,487 I'LL START WITH DESSERT. 531 00:20:13,487 --> 00:20:18,474 I'M SORRY ABOUT TONIGHT. IT'S NOT EXACTLY VOULOIR. 532 00:20:18,474 --> 00:20:19,489 THIS IS ALL I WANTED. 533 00:20:19,489 --> 00:20:22,493 JUST YOU, ME, SOME ANIMAL‐SHAPED FOOD, 534 00:20:22,493 --> 00:20:25,490 AND A BUTT‐LOAD OF WHISKEY. [ SIGHS ] 535 00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,491 KISS ME. 536 00:20:27,491 --> 00:20:30,499 AW, LOOK AT THAT. THAT'S CUTE. KISSY‐KISSY. 537 00:20:30,499 --> 00:20:31,505 [ GASPS ] DINO NUGGETS! 538 00:20:31,505 --> 00:20:34,506 I NEED ONE FOR THE ROAD. AND HE NEEDS A FRIEND. 539 00:20:34,506 --> 00:20:35,511 GOOD. MMM. YUM. DIP SAUCE. 540 00:20:35,511 --> 00:20:37,509 GOOD, GOOD. HELP YOURSELF. 541 00:20:37,509 --> 00:20:39,500 ALL RIGHT. A LITTLE OVER‐NUKED, BUT GOOD. 542 00:20:39,500 --> 00:20:40,514 IS SHE WEARING OUR BEDSPREAD? 543 00:20:43,511 --> 00:20:45,508 OH, HELLO! 544 00:20:45,508 --> 00:20:47,503 I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE. 545 00:20:47,503 --> 00:20:49,519 MY NAME IS BERT. AND I'M JACKIE. 546 00:20:49,519 --> 00:20:52,513 AND THIS HERE IS MY NUMBER‐ONE GUY. 547 00:20:52,513 --> 00:20:55,515 BUT I'M ALSO LOOKING FOR A REAL SOLID NUMBER TWO. 548 00:20:55,515 --> 00:20:58,519 SO, IF YOU'RE THE TYPE OF GUY THAT'S INTO ECSTATIC DANCE... 549 00:20:58,519 --> 00:20:59,534 AND LICORICE! 550 00:20:59,534 --> 00:21:01,521 OH, AND GREEN‐TEA ENEMAS. 551 00:21:01,521 --> 00:21:02,533 OOH, AND FROGS! 552 00:21:02,533 --> 00:21:04,526 AND SHIATSU. 553 00:21:04,526 --> 00:21:08,532 BOTH: THEN YOU'RE THE GUY FOR US! 554 00:21:10,543 --> 00:21:12,532 [ EXPLOSION ] 555 00:21:12,532 --> 00:21:13,548 [ LAUGHTER ] 556 00:21:13,548 --> 00:21:15,535 SO, WHAT DID YOU THINK? 557 00:21:15,535 --> 00:21:18,538 THAT WAS AMAZING! OH. 558 00:21:18,538 --> 00:21:20,542 YOU SHOULD PROBABLY DROP OUT OF SCHOOL. 559 00:21:20,542 --> 00:21:21,544 YES! YEAH. 560 00:21:21,544 --> 00:21:22,548 SHE WAS KIDDING. OH. 561 00:21:22,548 --> 00:21:25,547 WHAT'S AN ENEMA?