1
00:00:00,644 --> 00:00:03,607
"THE ELEPHANT TEACHER
SMILED AT THE ZEBRA.
2
00:00:03,607 --> 00:00:07,370
"'OF COURSE YOU CAN COME INTO
MY JUNGLE CLASSROOM,' SHE SAID.
3
00:00:07,370 --> 00:00:11,454
AND THAT'S HOW THE ZEBRA
LEARNED TO READ."
4
00:00:11,454 --> 00:00:15,338
ALL RIGHT.
YOUR WATER'S HERE.
5
00:00:15,338 --> 00:00:17,180
MR. BEAR'S WATER
IS HERE.
6
00:00:17,180 --> 00:00:20,944
YOUR CLOTHES ARE LAID OUT
FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK.
7
00:00:20,944 --> 00:00:23,106
NO JUDGEMENT ‐‐
MY LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL.
8
00:00:23,106 --> 00:00:26,670
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LITTLE MAN?
SHOULD WE GO TO SLEEP?
9
00:00:26,670 --> 00:00:27,871
CAN I HAVE
ANOTHER FOOT RUB?
10
00:00:27,871 --> 00:00:29,833
[ BOTH GROAN ]
THAT'S ENOUGH STALLING.
11
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:31,154
WHAT'S "STALLING"?
12
00:00:32,275 --> 00:00:34,517
UH...HOW DO YOU
EXPLAIN STALLING?
13
00:00:34,517 --> 00:00:35,839
HE KNOWS
WHAT STALLING IS.
14
00:00:35,839 --> 00:00:38,321
I FORGET AGAIN.
15
00:00:38,321 --> 00:00:41,084
LET'S CLOSE OUR EYES
AND GO TO SLEEP.
16
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:42,966
I'M GONNA COUNT DOWN
FROM 10.
17
00:00:42,966 --> 00:00:45,368
OOH,
COUNT DOWN FROM 500.
18
00:00:47,250 --> 00:00:50,013
500...
19
00:00:50,013 --> 00:00:52,175
499...
20
00:00:52,175 --> 00:00:56,980
498...
21
00:00:56,980 --> 00:00:59,022
497...
22
00:01:11,194 --> 00:01:14,918
HE'S GETTING BETTER.
THAT WAS PRETTY QUICK.
23
00:01:14,918 --> 00:01:17,120
SWEETIE,
HE'S MADE YOU HIS BITCH.
24
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:19,162
I'M PRETTY SURE
I DID IT TO MYSELF.
25
00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:22,485
HEY. FIRST ONE TO THE LIVING
ROOM GETS TO PICK THE SHOW.
26
00:01:26,650 --> 00:01:28,451
[ GASPS ]
HEY! STOP IT!
27
00:01:28,451 --> 00:01:30,173
NO. SHH!
28
00:01:31,214 --> 00:01:32,776
I THINK
I HEARD SOMETHING.
29
00:01:33,536 --> 00:01:34,537
SUCKER!
30
00:01:34,537 --> 00:01:39,222
HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!
31
00:01:39,222 --> 00:01:42,706
♪♪♪
32
00:01:49,352 --> 00:01:52,155
OKAY, WHOEVER EATS THEIR FRUIT
IS MY FAVORITE CHILD.
33
00:01:52,155 --> 00:01:53,757
THERE YOU GO, MAN.
UH, HEY, DAD.
34
00:01:53,757 --> 00:01:55,318
I HAVE A HANGNAIL.
CAN YOU, UM...
35
00:01:55,318 --> 00:01:56,960
OH, I'LL GET THE CLIPPERS.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
36
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:58,241
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
37
00:01:58,241 --> 00:02:00,604
I GOT IT.
OKAY, ON THREE.
38
00:02:00,604 --> 00:02:03,166
ONE...TWO! OH!
AAH!
39
00:02:03,166 --> 00:02:04,888
YOU DIDN'T EVEN
MAKE IT TO THREE.
40
00:02:04,888 --> 00:02:05,929
YOU NEVER MAKE IT TO THREE.
I DIDN'T MAKE IT TO THREE.
41
00:02:05,929 --> 00:02:08,251
TWO'S...BEFORE THAT.
42
00:02:08,251 --> 00:02:11,254
OH, HEY. WHOSE, UH ‐‐
WHOSE FANCY HEADBAND'S THIS?
43
00:02:11,254 --> 00:02:13,336
THOSE ARE MINE.
44
00:02:13,336 --> 00:02:15,098
OH! RED THONG ‐‐
SO CLASSY.
45
00:02:15,098 --> 00:02:18,301
DAD, CAN YOU PLEASE
DO MY NECKLACE?
OH, I'LL DO IT.
46
00:02:18,301 --> 00:02:19,502
OH, I GOT IT.
I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
47
00:02:19,502 --> 00:02:21,905
DAD, WHAT'S A THONG?
48
00:02:21,905 --> 00:02:23,707
OH, IT'S, UH, UNDERWEAR
49
00:02:23,707 --> 00:02:25,188
FOR PEOPLE WHO DON'T
WANT PANTY LINES.
50
00:02:25,188 --> 00:02:26,670
OH, WELL, WHY WOULDN'T YOU
WANT PANTY LINES?
51
00:02:26,670 --> 00:02:28,071
'CAUSE IT'S NOT SEXY.
52
00:02:28,071 --> 00:02:30,313
WHOO! SEXY TIME!
53
00:02:30,313 --> 00:02:31,595
'CAUSE YOU GUYS
LIKE TO HAVE ‐‐
54
00:02:31,595 --> 00:02:35,438
AND THUS ENDS OUR MORNING
UNDERWEAR Q AND A.
55
00:02:35,438 --> 00:02:37,801
RIGHT. YEP. OF COURSE.
56
00:02:37,801 --> 00:02:39,923
DAD, PLEASE JUST SIGN
MY PERMISSION SLIPS?
YEAH.
57
00:02:39,923 --> 00:02:41,124
OH, I CAN DO IT.
YES. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
58
00:02:41,124 --> 00:02:42,485
YOU ARE NOT A PARENT.
I KNOW. MM‐HMM.
59
00:02:42,485 --> 00:02:44,447
WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THAT,
I‐I NEED FIVE BUCKS.
60
00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:45,448
FOR WHAT?
61
00:02:45,448 --> 00:02:47,090
FOR AN INVESTMENT.
62
00:02:47,090 --> 00:02:48,812
OH, CAN I WEAR MY ‐‐
AN INVESTMENT?
63
00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:50,413
CAN I WEAR MY SHIN GUARDS
TO SCHOOL?
WHAT ARE YOU INVESTING IN?
64
00:02:50,413 --> 00:02:52,616
INVESTMENT STUFF.
CAN I WEAR MY ‐‐
65
00:02:52,616 --> 00:02:54,297
ANYBODY NEEDS ME,
I'LL JUST...
66
00:02:54,297 --> 00:02:56,499
CAN I WEAR...
JUST GIVE ME A SHOUT.
67
00:02:56,499 --> 00:02:58,501
TEXT ME. TWEET ME.
I‐I ACTUALLY SMELLED YOU
MAKING THAT UP.
68
00:02:58,501 --> 00:03:00,343
I WILL. I WILL.
PUT THEM ON.
THERE'S A FIRE.
69
00:03:00,343 --> 00:03:01,705
HELP ME.
I WANT SEVEN BACK
IN A WEEK.
70
00:03:01,705 --> 00:03:03,106
LOOK, THERE'S AN EAGLE!
71
00:03:03,106 --> 00:03:04,588
CAN I WEAR MY SHIN GUARDS
TO SCHOOL?
72
00:03:04,588 --> 00:03:06,309
[ ALL TALKING ]
OKAY.
73
00:03:12,155 --> 00:03:13,156
HEY.
74
00:03:13,156 --> 00:03:15,398
OOH! ALL RIGHT ‐‐
SHOWER POLICE!
75
00:03:15,398 --> 00:03:16,880
MA'AM,
YOU WANT TO STEP INSIDE?
76
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,122
THE WORD IS, YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
WASHING YOUR BOOBS VERY WELL.
77
00:03:19,122 --> 00:03:20,884
NO, I'M NOT HERE
FOR SHOWER POLICE.
78
00:03:20,884 --> 00:03:21,965
HAD TO GIVE IT A TRY ‐‐
79
00:03:21,965 --> 00:03:23,727
MISS 100% OF THE SHOTS
YOU NEVER TAKE.
80
00:03:23,727 --> 00:03:24,848
WHAT'S UP?
81
00:03:24,848 --> 00:03:26,529
JUST FEELING A LITTLE
UN‐NEEDED LATELY.
82
00:03:26,529 --> 00:03:28,171
WELL, THE SHOWER POLICE
NEED YOU.
83
00:03:28,171 --> 00:03:29,492
BY THE KIDS.
I SEE.
84
00:03:29,492 --> 00:03:32,095
WE'RE HAVING A REAL CONVERSATION
ABOUT REAL THINGS.
85
00:03:32,095 --> 00:03:34,377
[ WATER TURNS OFF ]
WHAT'S UP?
86
00:03:34,377 --> 00:03:36,620
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN LIVING HERE
FOR ALMOST A YEAR
87
00:03:36,620 --> 00:03:37,941
AND I JUST FEEL LIKE I'M...
88
00:03:37,941 --> 00:03:39,943
MORE OF A ROOMMATE
THAN A PARENT.
89
00:03:39,943 --> 00:03:41,545
LIKE SOME WEIRD
CRAIGSLIST ROOMMATE
90
00:03:41,545 --> 00:03:43,146
THAT EVERYONE
POLITELY IGNORES.
91
00:03:43,146 --> 00:03:44,507
OH, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
92
00:03:44,507 --> 00:03:45,629
HILLARY'S RUDE TO YOU
SOMETIMES.
93
00:03:45,629 --> 00:03:46,870
I JUST FEEL LIKE
YOU JUST DO EVERYTHING
94
00:03:46,870 --> 00:03:48,511
AND THEN THERE'S NOTHING LEFT
FOR ME TO DO.
95
00:03:48,511 --> 00:03:50,113
WHY SHOULD YOU HAVE TO
DEAL WITH MY STUFF?
96
00:03:50,113 --> 00:03:53,156
IT'S MY JOB. I'M THEIR DAD.
I'M THE CRAP‐MASTER.
97
00:03:53,156 --> 00:03:55,158
BUT I COULD BE
ASSISTANT CRAP‐MASTER.
98
00:03:55,158 --> 00:03:57,120
YOU WANT MORE CRAP?
I'LL GIVE YOU MORE CRAP.
YES.
99
00:03:57,120 --> 00:03:58,481
ALL I WANT IS MORE CRAP.
100
00:03:58,481 --> 00:04:02,966
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
101
00:04:02,966 --> 00:04:04,568
ALL RIGHT!
[ WHISTLES ]
102
00:04:04,568 --> 00:04:07,210
KILLER BEES, HUDDLE UP.
BRING IT IN! BRING IT IN!
103
00:04:07,210 --> 00:04:09,212
LOT OF GOOD STUFF TODAY.
104
00:04:09,212 --> 00:04:10,493
GREAT SPIRIT.
105
00:04:10,493 --> 00:04:11,575
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
106
00:04:11,575 --> 00:04:13,496
YOU GUYS ‐‐
YOU GUYS LOVE TO CHEER.
107
00:04:13,496 --> 00:04:15,298
UH, COUPLE OF THINGS
TO THINK ABOUT ‐‐
108
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:18,501
IN GENERAL, LET'S ‐‐
LET'S MAKE IT A GOAL
109
00:04:18,501 --> 00:04:22,145
TO NOT SIT DOWN AS MUCH
DURING A SCRIMMAGE.
110
00:04:22,145 --> 00:04:23,987
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
111
00:04:23,987 --> 00:04:25,989
ALSO, UH,
GO TO THE BATHROOM ‐‐
112
00:04:25,989 --> 00:04:29,953
VERY IMPORTANT ‐‐
BEFORE PRACTICE, OKAY?
113
00:04:29,953 --> 00:04:32,155
AND, IAN, IF YOU DO
NEED TO GO DURING PRACTICE,
114
00:04:32,155 --> 00:04:34,958
JUST, PLEASE,
LEAVE THE FIELD, OKAY?
115
00:04:34,958 --> 00:04:36,960
COACH DUANE,
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO ADD?
116
00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:39,643
I THINK MY WIFE IS HAVING
AN AFFAIR WITH MY BROTHER.
117
00:04:39,643 --> 00:04:41,244
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
YAY!
118
00:04:41,244 --> 00:04:43,687
ALL RIGHT.
UH, BRING IT IN.
119
00:04:43,687 --> 00:04:45,689
ALL: BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ,
BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ, BUZZ!
120
00:04:45,689 --> 00:04:47,330
ALL RIGHT.
121
00:04:47,330 --> 00:04:51,134
HEY, UH, MAYBE A LITTLE LESS
SHARING WITH THE KIDS.
122
00:04:51,134 --> 00:04:54,898
LOOK AT YOU ‐‐
DOING STUFF.
123
00:04:54,898 --> 00:04:56,820
[ CHUCKLING ] YEAH.
IT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?
YEAH.
124
00:04:56,820 --> 00:04:58,622
YOU KNOW, HALF THESE KIDS
CAN'T EAT PEANUTS,
125
00:04:58,622 --> 00:05:00,103
AND THE OTHER HALF
ONLY EAT PEANUTS,
126
00:05:00,103 --> 00:05:03,066
SO, ONE WRONG BITE,
HALF THE TEAM DIES.
127
00:05:03,066 --> 00:05:05,108
OH, IT'S JUST
ORANGE SLICES AND WATER.
128
00:05:05,108 --> 00:05:06,910
W‐WELL, THERE'S ONE KID
WHO CAN'T HAVE ORANGES.
129
00:05:06,910 --> 00:05:09,112
HIS PARENTS HAVE SOME ISSUES
WITH FLORIDA.
130
00:05:09,112 --> 00:05:11,234
AND THAT KID
WITH THE SHORTY‐SHORTS
131
00:05:11,234 --> 00:05:13,997
CAN'T HAVE ANY WATER,
'CAUSE HE'S OVERHYDRATED.
132
00:05:14,758 --> 00:05:15,959
HEY, PETE?
133
00:05:15,959 --> 00:05:18,161
STAY STRONG, MAN.
YEAH?
134
00:05:18,161 --> 00:05:19,242
COME HERE.
135
00:05:19,242 --> 00:05:20,844
WHAT'S UP?
136
00:05:20,844 --> 00:05:22,085
CAN YOU KEEP BERT TONIGHT?
137
00:05:22,085 --> 00:05:24,127
'CAUSE MY TAI CHI CLASS
IS DOING A PUB CRAWL.
138
00:05:24,127 --> 00:05:26,650
UH, I COULD,
BUT I GOT A CLIENT DINNER.
139
00:05:26,650 --> 00:05:29,212
I'M NOT GONNA BE BACK UNTIL
WAY AFTER HIS BEDTIME.
PETE...
140
00:05:29,212 --> 00:05:30,533
I CAN PUT HIM TO BED.
141
00:05:30,533 --> 00:05:32,736
[ SCOFFS ]
142
00:05:32,736 --> 00:05:34,057
I SAW THAT LOOK.
143
00:05:34,057 --> 00:05:36,299
I CAN'T EVEN HAVE A LOOK?
COME ON. I CAN DO IT.
144
00:05:36,299 --> 00:05:39,142
I MEAN, I'VE SEEN PETE PUT HIM
TO BED A THOUSAND TIMES.
145
00:05:39,142 --> 00:05:41,184
I'VE BEEN TO THE ATM
LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES.
146
00:05:41,184 --> 00:05:43,266
DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE A CLUE
WHAT'S IN MY BANK ACCOUNT.
147
00:05:43,266 --> 00:05:45,709
I THINK ONE OF US
SHOULD STAY HOME.
148
00:05:45,709 --> 00:05:46,790
IS IT GONNA BE YOU
OR IS IT GONNA BE ME?
149
00:05:46,790 --> 00:05:48,111
IS IT AN IMPORTANT CLIENT?
150
00:05:48,111 --> 00:05:49,753
OOH ‐‐ IS IT GONNA
AFFECT MY ALIMONY?
151
00:05:49,753 --> 00:05:51,114
JACKIE, KATE'S RIGHT.
152
00:05:51,114 --> 00:05:52,876
SHE WANTS TO DO IT,
SHE CAN DO IT.
153
00:05:54,277 --> 00:05:57,120
WHAT WAS THAT LOOK?
154
00:05:57,120 --> 00:05:59,122
THAT WAS A WEIRD LOOK.
FROM NOW ON, NEW RULE ‐‐
155
00:05:59,122 --> 00:06:01,124
EVERYONE SAYS EVERYTHING
OUT LOUD.
156
00:06:02,646 --> 00:06:07,170
[ TV CHATTER ]
157
00:06:07,170 --> 00:06:09,132
WARREN, I WANT TO WATCH TV,
OKAY? MOVE YOUR FEET.
158
00:06:09,132 --> 00:06:10,734
HEY!
NO EATING ON THE COUCH!
159
00:06:10,734 --> 00:06:12,335
WHEN MOM'S NOT HERE,
I EAT WHERE I WANT.
160
00:06:12,335 --> 00:06:15,418
NOW MOVE YOUR GROSS FEET.
GROSS FEET?
THAT WAS VERY MEAN.
161
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:18,101
APOLOGIZE TO MY FEET.
NEVER.
162
00:06:18,101 --> 00:06:20,664
OKAY, THEN I'M JUST GONNA
HAVE TO TAKE YOUR SNACKS.
163
00:06:20,664 --> 00:06:22,586
FEET! CONFISCATE SNACKS!
164
00:06:22,586 --> 00:06:24,227
FOOT SNACKS!
JERK, GET YOUR FEET
OFF MY SALSA!
165
00:06:24,227 --> 00:06:25,789
[ GRUNTS ]
[ GASPS ]
166
00:06:25,789 --> 00:06:28,632
OH, MY GOD.
167
00:06:28,632 --> 00:06:29,833
[ CELLPHONE RINGS ]
168
00:06:29,833 --> 00:06:31,474
WHAT'S UP, STUDLY?
WARREN: DAD, UH...
169
00:06:31,474 --> 00:06:34,037
ME AND HILLARY SPILLED SALSA
ON MOM'S WHITE COUCH.
170
00:06:34,037 --> 00:06:37,040
[ LAUGHS ]
OOH! OOH‐OOH‐OOH!
171
00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:38,842
[ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
WHAT DO WE DO?
172
00:06:38,842 --> 00:06:40,043
[ LAUGHS ]
173
00:06:40,043 --> 00:06:43,206
[ SCOFFS ] DAD?
BE SERIOUS, OKAY?
174
00:06:43,206 --> 00:06:44,928
WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?
175
00:06:44,928 --> 00:06:46,009
I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
176
00:06:46,009 --> 00:06:47,130
YOU'RE CALLING YOUR FATHER
FOR ADVICE.
177
00:06:47,130 --> 00:06:50,013
HERE'S MY ADVICE ‐‐
RUN AWAY.
178
00:06:50,013 --> 00:06:51,014
[ SCOFFS ]
179
00:06:51,014 --> 00:06:52,175
[ CLICK ]
180
00:06:52,175 --> 00:06:53,136
HELLO?
181
00:06:53,136 --> 00:06:55,659
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
POOR KIDS.
182
00:06:55,659 --> 00:06:56,900
WE'RE SCREWED.
[ SIGHS ]
183
00:06:56,900 --> 00:06:59,222
MOM LOVES TO PUNISH US
IN THOSE TWISTED WAYS.
184
00:06:59,222 --> 00:07:00,544
I KNOW ‐‐ A‐AND REMEMBER
THAT ONE TIME
185
00:07:00,544 --> 00:07:01,865
I WOULDN'T STOP
PICKING MY NOSE
186
00:07:01,865 --> 00:07:04,027
AND SO SHE ‐‐ SHE PUT THAT
DOG CONE COLLAR ON ME?
187
00:07:04,027 --> 00:07:05,388
SHE CANNOT FIND OUT
ABOUT THIS.
188
00:07:05,388 --> 00:07:07,831
WAIT. WAIT.
189
00:07:07,831 --> 00:07:09,593
SHE WON'T!
190
00:07:11,314 --> 00:07:13,757
OH, MY GOD!
191
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:19,402
OH! CHECK IT!
GENIUS.
192
00:07:19,402 --> 00:07:21,845
OKAY, AS LONG AS WE KEEP
A UNITED FRONT, WE'LL BE FINE.
193
00:07:21,845 --> 00:07:23,006
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
HEY, GUYS.
194
00:07:23,006 --> 00:07:25,208
HEY, MOM!
HOW WAS YOUR DAY?
195
00:07:25,208 --> 00:07:26,529
IT WAS GREAT.
196
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:27,931
HEY, HILLARY.
LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.
197
00:07:27,931 --> 00:07:29,613
BYE, MOM!
BYE, MOM! [ CHUCKLES ]
198
00:07:35,939 --> 00:07:37,300
"'I'M NOT AFRAID
OF YOUR BREATH,'
199
00:07:37,300 --> 00:07:39,823
"AND HE GAVE THE DRAGON
A KISS.
200
00:07:39,823 --> 00:07:44,227
AND THAT'S HOW THE DRAGON
LEARNED TO LOVE."
201
00:07:44,227 --> 00:07:46,269
OKEYDOKEY.
202
00:07:46,269 --> 00:07:48,031
WE'VE GOT YOUR WATER ‐‐
CHECK.
203
00:07:48,031 --> 00:07:50,634
MR. BEAR'S WATER ‐‐ CHECK.
204
00:07:50,634 --> 00:07:52,916
I SEE YOU'VE MADE SOME CHANGES
TO YOUR WARDROBE FOR THE WEEK,
205
00:07:52,916 --> 00:07:54,277
WHICH I TOTALLY RESPECT.
206
00:07:54,277 --> 00:07:57,080
AND NOW IT'S TIME
207
00:07:57,080 --> 00:07:59,643
TO CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND GO TO SLEEP.
208
00:07:59,643 --> 00:08:02,125
AND I'LL COUNT YOU DOWN
FROM 10.
209
00:08:02,125 --> 00:08:04,247
HOW ABOUT
FROM A BILLION?
210
00:08:05,969 --> 00:08:07,571
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COUNT
THAT HIGH.
211
00:08:07,571 --> 00:08:10,013
HOW ABOUT
FROM A MILLION?
212
00:08:11,254 --> 00:08:13,657
OKAY.
213
00:08:13,657 --> 00:08:16,059
A MILLION...
214
00:08:19,382 --> 00:08:21,104
HI.
215
00:08:21,104 --> 00:08:23,907
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
216
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,001
[ PANTING ]
217
00:08:38,001 --> 00:08:40,243
[ SIGHS ]
218
00:08:40,924 --> 00:08:43,647
[ RUSTLING ]
219
00:08:45,288 --> 00:08:48,131
BERT?
HI!
ARE WE PLAYING A GAME?
220
00:08:48,131 --> 00:08:49,252
NO.
221
00:08:50,133 --> 00:08:51,735
I'M STILL AWAKE.
222
00:08:51,735 --> 00:08:54,097
WHY?
223
00:08:54,097 --> 00:08:55,739
DIANE: HEY, GUYS.
SNACK'S READY.
224
00:08:55,739 --> 00:08:56,940
JUST ACT COOL.
225
00:08:56,940 --> 00:08:58,301
I ALWAYS DO.
226
00:08:58,301 --> 00:09:00,824
OH, MOM,
YOU LOOK RAVISHING.
227
00:09:00,824 --> 00:09:02,465
OH. WHY, THANK YOU,
SWEETHEART.
228
00:09:02,465 --> 00:09:06,469
OKAY, GUYS, DIG IN.
I MADE QUESADILLAS.
229
00:09:06,469 --> 00:09:08,231
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
230
00:09:08,231 --> 00:09:10,073
OKAY.
231
00:09:10,073 --> 00:09:12,075
ANY OTHER TOPPING
SUGGESTIONS?
232
00:09:12,075 --> 00:09:14,638
S‐SOUR ‐‐ SOUR CREAM.
[ LAUGHS ]
233
00:09:14,638 --> 00:09:15,839
CHOCOLATE.
234
00:09:15,839 --> 00:09:17,040
RELISH.
235
00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,481
UH, MUSTARD?
236
00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:20,203
[ GROANS ]
237
00:09:20,203 --> 00:09:22,245
RELISH.
238
00:09:22,245 --> 00:09:26,449
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING
JUST A LITTLE MORE PICANTE.
239
00:09:26,449 --> 00:09:29,332
I KNOW ‐‐
HOW ABOUT SOME SALSA?
240
00:09:29,332 --> 00:09:31,094
OH, YEAH. SALSA ‐‐ RIGHT.
SALSA.
241
00:09:31,094 --> 00:09:33,857
WE HAVEN'T HAD SALSA
IN A WHILE. RIGHT, HIL?
242
00:09:33,857 --> 00:09:34,858
THAT'S RIGHT, WARREN.
243
00:09:34,858 --> 00:09:37,420
AAH. NEW BOTTLE.
244
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,182
DIG.
245
00:09:39,182 --> 00:09:41,344
ALL RIGHT. OH!
246
00:09:41,344 --> 00:09:43,186
I ALMOST FORGOT ‐‐
NAPKINS,
247
00:09:43,186 --> 00:09:44,548
JUST IN CASE ONE OF US
SPILLS THE SALSA.
248
00:09:44,548 --> 00:09:45,829
[ CHUCKLES ]
RIGHT.
249
00:09:45,829 --> 00:09:48,071
SHE KNOWS. SHE NEVER TALKS
THIS MUCH ABOUT SALSA.
250
00:09:48,071 --> 00:09:49,232
MAYBE SHE TALKS ABOUT SALSA
ALL THE TIME,
251
00:09:49,232 --> 00:09:51,154
BUT WE'RE JUST
NOTICING IT NOW.
WHAT?!
252
00:09:53,837 --> 00:09:55,238
HEY, DIG IN GUYS.
253
00:09:55,238 --> 00:09:56,519
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
254
00:09:58,361 --> 00:09:59,563
MMM.
255
00:09:59,563 --> 00:10:02,045
THE SALSA IS
WHAT MAKES IT SO GOOD.
256
00:10:02,045 --> 00:10:04,127
MMM.
257
00:10:04,127 --> 00:10:06,169
KATE: IT'S BEEN THREE HOURS.
WE'RE BUDDIES, RIGHT?
258
00:10:06,169 --> 00:10:07,170
I LIKE YOU!
259
00:10:07,170 --> 00:10:08,291
OKAY, GOOD.
I LIKE YOU, TOO.
260
00:10:08,291 --> 00:10:10,253
NOW CAN YOU JUST
PLEASE TELL ME, BERTO.
261
00:10:10,253 --> 00:10:11,334
WHAT CAN I DO?
262
00:10:11,334 --> 00:10:13,016
SOMETIMES I LIKE
"THIS LITTLE PIGGY."
263
00:10:13,016 --> 00:10:14,698
GREAT. PERFECT.
264
00:10:17,220 --> 00:10:18,862
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
WENT TO MARKET.
[ LAUGHING ]
265
00:10:18,862 --> 00:10:21,304
AND THIS LITTLE
PIGGY STAYED HOME.
266
00:10:21,304 --> 00:10:24,908
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY...
WENT TO PILATES.
267
00:10:24,908 --> 00:10:28,992
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS LIKE,
"BERT, GO TO SLEEP!"
268
00:10:28,992 --> 00:10:30,273
THAT WAS ALL WRONG.
269
00:10:30,273 --> 00:10:32,355
I'M EVEN MORE AWAKE NOW.
270
00:10:32,355 --> 00:10:33,557
[ GROANS ]
271
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:38,481
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
272
00:10:38,481 --> 00:10:40,123
TONIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA
FALL ASLEEP LIKE I DID
273
00:10:40,123 --> 00:10:41,965
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE.
274
00:10:43,126 --> 00:10:46,089
I NEVER GET TO WATCH TV
IN BED!
275
00:10:46,089 --> 00:10:48,051
I KNOW. IT'LL BE
OUR LITTLE SECRET, OKAY?
276
00:10:48,051 --> 00:10:49,452
LET'S PINKY SWEAR!
277
00:10:49,452 --> 00:10:51,575
I LIKE THE WAY YOU ROLL.
278
00:10:51,575 --> 00:10:53,176
ALL RIGHT.
279
00:10:53,176 --> 00:10:54,578
MAN: TEMPERATURES IN THE SOUTH
WILL BE
280
00:10:54,578 --> 00:10:56,299
DROPPING BY TOMORROW NIGHT.
[ SIGHS ]
281
00:10:56,299 --> 00:10:58,461
IN SPORTS,
LOS ANGELES BEAT SAN FRANCISCO
282
00:10:58,461 --> 00:11:00,103
TO STAY ALIVE
IN THE CHASE FOR THE WEST,
283
00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:02,105
AND SEATTLE LOST TO TEXAS
284
00:11:02,105 --> 00:11:04,147
DESPITE HERNANDEZ
GOING EIGHT INNINGS...
285
00:11:04,147 --> 00:11:06,750
THAT'S ALL
FOR THE NIGHTLY NEWS AT 11.
286
00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:09,713
FROM OUR FAMILY TO YOURS,
GOOD NIGHT.
287
00:11:09,713 --> 00:11:11,915
ANNOUNCER:
TONIGHT, ON "COLD FILE"...
288
00:11:11,915 --> 00:11:13,717
MARK STYMAN
WAS A BRILLIANT SURGEON,
289
00:11:13,717 --> 00:11:17,000
BUT THIS SURGEON HAD A SECRET.
290
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,924
DR. MARK STYMAN
LIKED TO STEAL UTERUSES.
291
00:11:25,609 --> 00:11:26,770
HEY, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT, TIME TO GET UP.
292
00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,772
THE KILLER BEES
NEED THEIR GOALIE.
293
00:11:28,772 --> 00:11:30,013
I'M AN ALL‐STAR.
294
00:11:30,013 --> 00:11:32,576
OKAY, RIGHT ‐‐
EVERYBODY'S AN ALL‐STAR.
295
00:11:32,576 --> 00:11:34,417
UP. COME ON.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
296
00:11:34,417 --> 00:11:36,940
OH, I'M TIRED.
I SLEPT BAD.
297
00:11:36,940 --> 00:11:38,301
SHH!
NO, YOU DIDN'T.
298
00:11:38,301 --> 00:11:40,223
DON'T SAY THAT...
TO YOUR DAD.
299
00:11:40,223 --> 00:11:42,305
KATE, COULD A DOCTOR
STEAL MY UTERUS?
300
00:11:42,305 --> 00:11:45,749
STEAL YOUR UTERUS?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
301
00:11:45,749 --> 00:11:47,150
I SAW IT ON "COLD FILE"
302
00:11:47,150 --> 00:11:49,512
LAST NIGHT
AFTER YOU FELL ASLEEP.
303
00:11:49,512 --> 00:11:50,754
OOH, BOY.
304
00:11:51,875 --> 00:11:53,997
OKAY, LISTEN, LET'S JUST
KEEP IT BETWEEN US
305
00:11:53,997 --> 00:11:55,438
WITH A PINKY SWEAR?
306
00:11:55,438 --> 00:11:56,760
OKAY.
307
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:57,761
OKAY. GOOD.
308
00:11:57,761 --> 00:11:59,162
PETE:
HEY, BERT! WE GOT TO GO!
309
00:12:00,163 --> 00:12:02,045
HEY.
310
00:12:02,045 --> 00:12:04,407
JUST THIS ONCE, YOU CAN HAVE
A SIP OF MY COFFEE.
311
00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:06,369
IT'LL WAKE YOU UP.
THANKS.
312
00:12:06,369 --> 00:12:08,972
[ SUCKING ]
313
00:12:11,014 --> 00:12:13,577
[ SLURPING ]
314
00:12:13,577 --> 00:12:16,419
[ GASPS ]
I FEEL BETTER ALREADY.
315
00:12:16,419 --> 00:12:18,381
OH, BERT.
316
00:12:18,381 --> 00:12:21,184
OKAY.
ONE LAST PINKY SWEAR.
317
00:12:22,105 --> 00:12:24,307
HEY, BERT!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
318
00:12:24,307 --> 00:12:25,549
YEAH, HE'S COMING.
319
00:12:25,549 --> 00:12:28,151
YOU KNOW HOW KIDS GET
SOMETIMES IN THE MORNING.
320
00:12:28,151 --> 00:12:29,512
I WAS THINKING ABOUT
WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY
321
00:12:29,512 --> 00:12:30,674
ABOUT WANTING TO BE
MORE INVOLVED.
322
00:12:30,674 --> 00:12:32,956
YOU GOT BERT TO SLEEP
LAST NIGHT.
323
00:12:32,956 --> 00:12:35,639
I THINK YOU'RE READY
FOR YOUR NEXT CHALLENGE.
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
324
00:12:35,639 --> 00:12:36,880
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO ASSISTANT COACH
325
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,082
THE LOSINGEST TEAM
IN LEAGUE HISTORY?
326
00:12:39,082 --> 00:12:40,644
OH, PETE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
327
00:12:40,644 --> 00:12:42,205
I THINK
I'M ALREADY DOING SO M‐‐
328
00:12:42,205 --> 00:12:44,207
DON'T WORRY.
YOU'RE GONNA HATE IT.
329
00:12:44,207 --> 00:12:46,570
[ SMOOCHES ]
[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]
330
00:12:46,570 --> 00:12:47,811
WHAT HAPPENED
TO COACH DUANE?
331
00:12:47,811 --> 00:12:50,013
UH, HE HAD
A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
332
00:12:50,013 --> 00:12:52,896
ALL RIGHT!
LET'S DO THIS!
333
00:12:52,896 --> 00:12:54,658
SOMEONE GOT
A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP.
334
00:12:54,658 --> 00:12:56,099
[ CHUCKLES ]
335
00:12:56,099 --> 00:12:57,981
YEP. LET'S GO.
[ BLOWS WHISTLE ]
336
00:12:57,981 --> 00:12:59,422
[ LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC PLAYS ]
337
00:13:01,184 --> 00:13:03,707
AH, COME DANCE
WITH ME, GUYS!
338
00:13:03,707 --> 00:13:06,109
[ ROLLS TONGUE ]
COME ON, HIL!
339
00:13:06,109 --> 00:13:08,111
[ HUMMING ]
COME ON.
340
00:13:08,111 --> 00:13:09,953
ALL RIGHT, GET READY
TO MOVE YOUR HIPS.
341
00:13:11,314 --> 00:13:14,357
MM!
WHAT IS THIS MUSIC?
342
00:13:14,357 --> 00:13:15,599
IT'S CALLED...
343
00:13:15,599 --> 00:13:17,280
SALSA.
344
00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,043
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
345
00:13:20,043 --> 00:13:22,926
OH, MY GOD.
346
00:13:22,926 --> 00:13:24,087
WARREN.
347
00:13:26,169 --> 00:13:28,011
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
348
00:13:28,011 --> 00:13:29,372
HOW DID IT GO WITH BERT
LAST NIGHT?
349
00:13:29,372 --> 00:13:30,373
DID HE SAY ANYTHING?
350
00:13:30,373 --> 00:13:31,374
NOPE.
351
00:13:31,374 --> 00:13:33,096
OH, IT WENT GREAT.
OH, GOOD.
352
00:13:33,096 --> 00:13:34,618
I'M SO HUNG OVER.
353
00:13:34,618 --> 00:13:37,741
THOSE TAI CHI LADIES ARE
SURPRISINGLY VIOLENT DRINKERS.
OH.
354
00:13:37,741 --> 00:13:39,262
PETE: BRING IT IN!
BRING IT IN, BEES!
AH!
355
00:13:39,262 --> 00:13:40,904
GOT TO GO ‐‐ NEW COACH.
356
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:43,146
OH, YEAH? OH, GOOD LUCK.
OH, THANKS.
357
00:13:43,146 --> 00:13:44,668
HEY, YOU KNOW, I COACHED
THE ZEBRAS TWO YEARS AGO.
358
00:13:44,668 --> 00:13:48,071
IT WAS A MESS. THEY KEPT
KICKING IT OUT TO THE REFS.
GREAT.
359
00:13:48,071 --> 00:13:51,474
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT
HUSBAND/WIFE COACHING TEAMS.
360
00:13:51,474 --> 00:13:52,796
[ CLICKS TONGUE ]
361
00:13:52,796 --> 00:13:54,277
PETE: GATHER 'ROUND,
GATHER 'ROUND, HUDDLE UP.
362
00:13:54,277 --> 00:13:57,681
SPECIAL DAY ‐‐ I WANT TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO COACH KATE
363
00:13:57,681 --> 00:13:59,002
SHE LIVES IN OUR HOUSE!
364
00:13:59,002 --> 00:14:00,884
SHE'S GONNA BE HELPING US
WHILE COACH DUANE
365
00:14:00,884 --> 00:14:03,206
GETS THE HELP
THAT HE SO DESPERATELY NEEDS.
366
00:14:03,206 --> 00:14:05,729
HI, GUYS.
I'M SUPER EXCITED TO BE HERE.
367
00:14:05,729 --> 00:14:07,170
I‐I LOVE SOCCER,
368
00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,012
AND I LOVE PLAYING
WITH LITTLE BOYS.
BERT.
369
00:14:09,012 --> 00:14:10,373
AND...PLAYING
WITH LITTLE GIRLS...AS WELL.
370
00:14:10,373 --> 00:14:13,056
GUYS, LET'S GIVE HER
A BIG BEES WELCOME.
371
00:14:13,056 --> 00:14:14,017
BUZZ!
BUZZ!
BUZZ!
BUZZ!
372
00:14:14,017 --> 00:14:15,178
I'M THE SUN!
373
00:14:15,178 --> 00:14:17,380
BERT?
I'M THE MOON!
374
00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:18,782
I'M CHRISTMAS!
375
00:14:18,782 --> 00:14:20,183
BERT, YOU WANT TO ‐‐
YOU WANT TO BRING IT IN?
376
00:14:20,183 --> 00:14:21,785
HE'S EXCITED.
REIN IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT.
377
00:14:21,785 --> 00:14:23,026
OKAY, UH,
LIKE I WAS SAYING ‐‐
378
00:14:23,026 --> 00:14:25,108
COACH KATE IS GONNA BE
A VALUABLE ADDITION.
379
00:14:25,108 --> 00:14:26,509
PAIR UP, GET A BALL.
380
00:14:26,509 --> 00:14:28,471
WILL YOU CHECK ON BERT?
HE SEEMS A LITTLE WEIRD.
YEAH.
381
00:14:28,471 --> 00:14:30,433
NO, NO ‐‐ PROBABLY JUST EXCITED
THAT I'M COACHING.
382
00:14:30,433 --> 00:14:32,075
OKAY.
I GOT IT.
383
00:14:32,075 --> 00:14:33,236
HEY, BERT.
HEY, BERT. HEY!
384
00:14:33,236 --> 00:14:35,478
GET OVER HERE. GET OVER HERE.
COME HERE.
385
00:14:35,478 --> 00:14:36,760
OKAY, LISTEN ‐‐
386
00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,682
I NEED YOU
TO TONE IT DOWN A NOTCH.
387
00:14:38,682 --> 00:14:40,083
I CAN TASTE MY TEETH!
388
00:14:40,083 --> 00:14:41,484
[ LAUGHS ]
OKAY. SHH!
DON'T SAY THAT.
389
00:14:41,484 --> 00:14:43,727
OKAY, THAT'S ‐‐
THAT'S GREAT. JUST WALK.
390
00:14:45,088 --> 00:14:46,209
YES, MA'AM.
391
00:14:51,414 --> 00:14:54,177
WHY DID YOU AND MOM NEED TO HAVE
A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?
392
00:14:54,177 --> 00:14:56,459
SHE SAID IF I WAS GOING TO ‐‐
TO PEE IN HER BATHROOM,
393
00:14:56,459 --> 00:14:58,061
THAT I HAD TO SIT DOWN.
394
00:14:58,061 --> 00:14:59,743
SHE'S GETTING TO ME.
395
00:14:59,743 --> 00:15:02,345
OKAY, SHE'S GETTING
INSIDE MY HEAD!
396
00:15:02,345 --> 00:15:03,827
MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CONFESS.
397
00:15:03,827 --> 00:15:04,868
NO, DON'T ‐‐
LOOK, UNITED FRONT.
398
00:15:04,868 --> 00:15:06,189
WE'RE GONNA BE
AT DAD'S TOMORROW.
399
00:15:06,189 --> 00:15:08,271
YOU CAN MAKE IT
UNTIL THEN.
400
00:15:08,271 --> 00:15:12,876
DIANE: HILLARY, I NEED TO
SPEAK TO YOU PRIVATELY.
401
00:15:12,876 --> 00:15:14,758
[ SWEETLY ]
COMING, MOTHER.
402
00:15:17,881 --> 00:15:19,002
[ GROANS ]
403
00:15:21,484 --> 00:15:23,206
[ YAWNS ]
404
00:15:25,689 --> 00:15:27,050
[ GROANS ]
405
00:15:30,453 --> 00:15:32,135
[ GROANS ]
406
00:15:34,297 --> 00:15:37,220
REMEMBER, YOU ‐‐ YOU'RE TRYING
TO KEEP THEM OUT OF THERE.
OH, MAN.
407
00:15:37,220 --> 00:15:39,743
PICK UP.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE.
NOBODY COMES IN.
408
00:15:40,864 --> 00:15:44,107
HEY, BUD, YOU WANT TO
TRY SOME STANDING UP?
409
00:15:44,107 --> 00:15:45,629
I NEED COFFEE.
410
00:15:45,629 --> 00:15:47,070
HA!
NEXT THING YOU KNOW,
411
00:15:47,070 --> 00:15:48,431
HE'LL BE ASKING FOR
THE WALL STREET JOURNAL
412
00:15:48,431 --> 00:15:49,993
AND A CHEESE DANISH.
413
00:15:49,993 --> 00:15:51,394
HEY, WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH THE BERTSTER?
414
00:15:51,394 --> 00:15:54,998
I DON'T KNOW. DID HE EAT
SOMETHING WEIRD LAST NIGHT?
415
00:15:54,998 --> 00:15:56,239
NO, GUYS,
I THINK HE'S FINE.
416
00:15:56,239 --> 00:15:58,081
YOU KNOW, LET'S ‐‐
LET'S GET UP, BERT,
417
00:15:58,081 --> 00:16:00,043
AND SHOW 'EM WHAT YOU GOT,
ALL RIGHT?
418
00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,445
COME ON. HERE WE GO.
UP YOU GO. ON YOUR FEET.
419
00:16:02,445 --> 00:16:04,648
YOU GOT IT, BUD.
GET UP, BUD.
YOU READY? HERE WE GO.
YOU GOT IT, BUDDY.
420
00:16:04,648 --> 00:16:06,049
READY? READY?
HERE WE GO.
421
00:16:06,049 --> 00:16:08,171
YEAH!
THERE'S MY ALL‐STAR!
422
00:16:08,171 --> 00:16:10,013
ALL RIGHT,
YOU READY FOR ANOTHER ONE?
423
00:16:10,013 --> 00:16:12,095
NOW, PICK UP THE ENERGY.
PICK UP THE ENERGY.
424
00:16:12,095 --> 00:16:14,497
HANDS UP!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
425
00:16:14,497 --> 00:16:15,498
HANDS UP! LET'S GO!
LET'S GO!
426
00:16:16,219 --> 00:16:19,222
OW! MY UTERUS!
427
00:16:21,424 --> 00:16:22,626
PETE: OW!
OHH!
428
00:16:22,626 --> 00:16:24,067
MY ‐‐ MY BABY.
OH, MY GOD.
429
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,629
HE BLOCKED IT!
430
00:16:28,191 --> 00:16:29,152
OH, BERT.
431
00:16:32,796 --> 00:16:34,397
YOU GUYS,
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
432
00:16:34,397 --> 00:16:36,079
I AM SO SORRY.
433
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,480
YEAH, "SORRY" ISN'T GONNA
REDUCE THE SWELLING
434
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:38,802
IN MY SON'S TESTICLE.
435
00:16:38,802 --> 00:16:40,804
YOU ACT LIKE
YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, KATE,
436
00:16:40,804 --> 00:16:42,646
AND YOU DON'T KNOW
ANYTHING.
437
00:16:42,646 --> 00:16:45,569
YOU KNOW NOTHING
ABOUT...ANYTHING.
438
00:16:46,449 --> 00:16:48,291
SO, I'M GONNA
TELL YOU SOMETHING ‐‐
439
00:16:48,291 --> 00:16:51,414
JACKIE, KATE KNOWS
THAT SHE SCREWED UP.
440
00:16:51,414 --> 00:16:53,456
YEAH ‐‐ NO ‐‐
YOU SCREWED UP.
441
00:16:53,456 --> 00:16:55,458
YOU ‐‐ I HOPE YOU CAN
STILL BE A GRANDPA
442
00:16:55,458 --> 00:16:58,461
AFTER ALL OF BERT'S...
THIS.
443
00:16:58,461 --> 00:17:01,144
I THINK BERT'S "THIS"
WILL BE FINE.
444
00:17:01,144 --> 00:17:02,706
I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING
TO HELP, YOU KNOW?
445
00:17:02,706 --> 00:17:04,147
I JUST WANTED TO BE
PART OF THE FAMILY,
446
00:17:04,147 --> 00:17:06,630
AND PETE GAVE ME THE CHANCE,
AND I JUST ‐‐ I BLEW IT.
447
00:17:06,630 --> 00:17:09,272
YEAH, YOU DID, LIKE...
[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]
448
00:17:09,272 --> 00:17:11,074
"NO!"
[ IMITATES EXPLOSION ]
449
00:17:11,074 --> 00:17:12,716
YEAH ‐‐ REAL BAD.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM JUST ‐‐
450
00:17:12,716 --> 00:17:14,517
I'M GONNA GO TO THE CAFETERIA
AND GET SOMETHING.
451
00:17:14,517 --> 00:17:16,560
DO YOU WANT ANYTHING?
OH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
452
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,082
I BET THAT BERT WOULD JUST LOVE
A TRIPLE ESPRESSO.
453
00:17:19,082 --> 00:17:22,445
YOU KNOW, I HAVE SAID IT ONCE,
AND I WILL SAY IT AGAIN ‐‐
454
00:17:22,445 --> 00:17:25,528
ASIDE FROM ME, I DO NOT
UNDERSTAND YOUR TASTE IN WOMEN.
455
00:17:25,528 --> 00:17:28,331
I THINK YOU NEED
TO CUT HER SOME SLACK.
456
00:17:28,331 --> 00:17:30,533
[ SCOFFS ]
YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE GOT MARRIED?
457
00:17:30,533 --> 00:17:33,737
BARELY.
THAT OPEN BAR WAS FANTASTIC.
458
00:17:33,737 --> 00:17:36,700
YOU REMEMBER HOW HARD
DIANE WAS ON YOU?
459
00:17:36,700 --> 00:17:39,703
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE DIANE.
460
00:17:39,703 --> 00:17:42,265
WHAT? LIKE SMART, NO‐NONSENSE,
VERY ACCOMPLISHED?
461
00:17:42,265 --> 00:17:43,627
OH, I GET IT.
462
00:17:43,627 --> 00:17:46,950
N‐NO, I MEAN, Y‐Y‐YOU'RE
BEING HARD ON KATE.
463
00:17:46,950 --> 00:17:51,474
SHE'S ‐‐ SHE'S REALLY TRYING.
SHE LOVES OUR LITTLE GUY.
464
00:17:51,474 --> 00:17:54,718
MR. AND MRS. HARRISON,
YOU CAN SEE YOUR SON NOW.
465
00:17:54,718 --> 00:17:56,279
WE DON'T HAVE A SON.
466
00:17:57,601 --> 00:17:58,722
OH, HONEST MISTAKE.
467
00:17:58,722 --> 00:18:00,764
MR. AND MRS. HARRISON,
BERT IS FINE.
468
00:18:00,764 --> 00:18:01,765
YOU CAN SEE HIM NOW.
[ GASPS ]
469
00:18:01,765 --> 00:18:02,766
GREAT.
YES!
470
00:18:02,766 --> 00:18:03,847
DO ‐‐ GIVE HIM A TIP.
471
00:18:03,847 --> 00:18:05,488
HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS
SEEN MY PHONE?
472
00:18:05,488 --> 00:18:07,490
WARREN: NO.
473
00:18:07,490 --> 00:18:10,574
WARREN!
474
00:18:11,615 --> 00:18:13,737
PLEASE TELL ME
YOU DID THIS.
475
00:18:13,737 --> 00:18:16,539
OH, YEAH, I DID THAT,
'CAUSE I'M CRAZY.
476
00:18:16,539 --> 00:18:17,701
NO!
477
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:19,142
OH, HEY, GUYS.
478
00:18:19,142 --> 00:18:20,223
DO YOU
WANT TO WATCH A MOVIE?
479
00:18:20,223 --> 00:18:22,626
I HAVE RENTED "LA BAMBA."
480
00:18:22,626 --> 00:18:26,229
OKAY! THAT'S ENOUGH!
PLEASE, STOP, OKAY?
481
00:18:26,229 --> 00:18:28,391
WHY CAN'T YOU JUST PUNISH US
LIKE A NORMAL PARENT?
482
00:18:28,391 --> 00:18:30,554
I WANTED TO TELL YOU
THE WHOLE TIME, I SWEAR!
483
00:18:31,795 --> 00:18:33,356
NORMAL PARENTS
DON'T GET RESULTS.
484
00:18:33,356 --> 00:18:36,159
ARE YOU EVER GOING TO EAT
ON THE SOFA AGAIN?
BOTH: NO!
485
00:18:36,159 --> 00:18:38,241
ARE YOU EVER GOING TO HIDE
ANYTHING FROM ME AGAIN?
BOTH: NO!
486
00:18:38,241 --> 00:18:39,843
DO YOU LOVE ME THE MOST?
NO!
YES!
487
00:18:39,843 --> 00:18:41,645
I ‐‐
488
00:18:41,645 --> 00:18:43,727
SORRY, I GOT CAUGHT UP
IN ALL THE NOS.
489
00:18:43,727 --> 00:18:45,168
YES, OF COURSE
I LOVE YOU THE MOST.
490
00:18:45,168 --> 00:18:47,170
OKAY.
491
00:18:47,170 --> 00:18:49,172
GIVE YOUR MOM A HUG.
AWW!
492
00:18:49,172 --> 00:18:50,734
[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]
493
00:18:50,734 --> 00:18:54,618
[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS ]
494
00:18:54,618 --> 00:18:57,621
YOU CAN [CLICKS TONGUE]
GO ON IN.
495
00:18:57,621 --> 00:18:59,542
OH, IT'S OKAY, JACKIE.
I DON'T NEED TO GO IN.
496
00:18:59,542 --> 00:19:02,105
LOOK, I KNOW
I GOT MAD TODAY.
497
00:19:02,105 --> 00:19:04,788
BUT DEEP DOWN HERE,
IN MY JACKIE HEART,
498
00:19:04,788 --> 00:19:07,631
I KNOW THAT IT'S NOT EASY
BEING A NEW STEPMOM.
499
00:19:07,631 --> 00:19:08,992
I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING,
KATE, IS,
500
00:19:08,992 --> 00:19:10,794
WE'RE KIND OF THE SAME,
RIGHT?
501
00:19:10,794 --> 00:19:12,235
FREE SPIRITS ‐‐
502
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:14,317
THE SOULS OF BIRDS
IN PEOPLE BODIES.
503
00:19:14,317 --> 00:19:16,319
OH, YEAH.
504
00:19:16,319 --> 00:19:18,241
WELL, T‐THANKS, JACKIE.
THAT'S REALLY SWEET.
505
00:19:18,241 --> 00:19:20,644
BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO
LET ME GO IN. IT'S OKAY.
506
00:19:20,644 --> 00:19:22,485
YEAH, WELL, I'M NOT...
507
00:19:22,485 --> 00:19:24,728
LETTING YOU DO ANYTHING,
'CAUSE HE WANTS YOU.
508
00:19:24,728 --> 00:19:26,489
HE DOES?
YEAH.
509
00:19:26,489 --> 00:19:28,491
OH. OKAY. GREAT.
WELL, THEN...
510
00:19:28,491 --> 00:19:30,493
CAN YOU JUST ‐‐ I'M ‐‐
I'LL JUST GO IN THEN.
511
00:19:30,493 --> 00:19:31,655
ALL RIGHT.
512
00:19:31,655 --> 00:19:34,497
KATE!
513
00:19:34,497 --> 00:19:35,659
HEY, BUDDY!
514
00:19:35,659 --> 00:19:38,622
OH, I'M SO SORRY...
ABOUT THAT.
515
00:19:38,622 --> 00:19:40,543
I'M SORRY I BROKE
THE PINKY SWEAR.
516
00:19:40,543 --> 00:19:42,906
OH, APOLOGY ACCEPTED.
I'M MORE SORRY.
517
00:19:42,906 --> 00:19:44,868
ACTUALLY, HE INVITED YOU HERE
FOR A VERY SPECIAL REASON.
518
00:19:44,868 --> 00:19:46,710
WILL YOU DO THE PIGGIES?
519
00:19:46,710 --> 00:19:47,911
MY PIGGIES?
YES!
520
00:19:47,911 --> 00:19:49,673
OF COURSE!
521
00:19:49,673 --> 00:19:51,234
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
WENT TO THE MARKET.
522
00:19:51,234 --> 00:19:52,836
[ LAUGHING ]
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
STAYED HOME.
523
00:19:52,836 --> 00:19:54,798
THIS LITTLE PIGGY
WENT TO THE HAMPTONS.
524
00:19:54,798 --> 00:19:57,080
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY WAS,
LIKE, TOTALLY JEALOUS.
525
00:19:57,080 --> 00:19:59,042
AND THIS LITTLE PIGGY
WAS LIKE,
526
00:19:59,042 --> 00:20:01,364
"I DON'T CARE. I'M GONNA
GO GET A TONGUE PIERCING."
527
00:20:01,364 --> 00:20:02,846
[ LAUGHS ]
IT'S STILL SO WRONG.
528
00:20:02,846 --> 00:20:05,328
[ LAUGHTER ]
529
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:08,331
AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE
TO YOU,
530
00:20:08,331 --> 00:20:10,333
BECAUSE, UM, YOU KNOW,
I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU
531
00:20:10,333 --> 00:20:11,695
THAT I WAS
MESSING EVERYTHING UP.
532
00:20:11,695 --> 00:20:13,096
THAT'S ALL RIGHT ‐‐
JUST, IN THE FUTURE,
533
00:20:13,096 --> 00:20:14,858
LET'S NOT KEEP THINGS
FROM EACH OTHER, OKAY?
534
00:20:14,858 --> 00:20:17,340
THAT'S WHAT
MY EX‐WIVES ARE FOR.
[ LAUGHS ]
535
00:20:17,340 --> 00:20:19,663
OH, KATE, IT TURNS OUT
I DIDN'T HURT MY UTERUS AT ALL.
536
00:20:19,663 --> 00:20:21,064
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DON'T
HAVE A UTERUS.
537
00:20:21,064 --> 00:20:22,866
REMEMBER, BUDDY?
GIRLS DO.
538
00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:25,629
SO...WHAT'S IN MY BUTT?
539
00:20:25,629 --> 00:20:28,271
BUTT STUFF.
UH‐HUH.
540
00:20:28,271 --> 00:20:30,433
WELL, ACTUALLY, THERE'S
A LOT OF THINGS IN YOUR BUTT.
541
00:20:30,433 --> 00:20:32,836
YOU KNOW, IF YOU THINK
ABOUT IT, THERE'S ‐‐
BUTT STUFF.
542
00:20:33,797 --> 00:20:36,199
BUTT STUFF. YEAH.
543
00:20:39,322 --> 00:20:41,484
EXCUSE ME, SIR?
544
00:20:42,285 --> 00:20:43,326
SHOWER POLICE?
545
00:20:43,326 --> 00:20:45,168
WE GOT A REPORT
THERE'S A MAN
546
00:20:45,168 --> 00:20:46,570
FITTING YOUR
SEXY DESCRIPTION
547
00:20:46,570 --> 00:20:48,211
WHO'S BEEN HANGING OUT
IN THIS SHOWER.
548
00:20:48,211 --> 00:20:50,533
I'D LIKE TO COME IN
AND INVESTIGATE.
549
00:20:50,533 --> 00:20:51,775
OKAY!
550
00:20:54,177 --> 00:20:57,020
BERT: KATE!
I NEED SOME ORANGE JUICE!
551
00:20:57,020 --> 00:20:59,542
NOT NOW, BUDDY!
552
00:20:59,542 --> 00:21:00,824
HONEY, HE NEEDS ME.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
553
00:21:00,824 --> 00:21:02,225
BUT I'VE BEEN BAD.
554
00:21:02,225 --> 00:21:04,748
I'VE BEEN ‐‐ I'VE BEEN ‐‐
I'M BAD. I'M VERY BAD.
555
00:21:04,748 --> 00:21:06,229
I'LL BE BACK.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
556
00:21:08,071 --> 00:21:10,874
NEVER GONNA HAPPEN.