1 00:00:00,603 --> 00:00:04,315 Kate: A YEAR AGO, I WAS SINGLE WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD. 2 00:00:04,315 --> 00:00:06,317 TODAY, I'M MARRIED WITH THREE STEPKIDS, 3 00:00:06,317 --> 00:00:09,737 AND I'M WASTED IN THE BACK OF MY HUSBAND'S EX‐WIFE'S CAR ‐‐ 4 00:00:09,737 --> 00:00:11,739 HIS FIRST EX‐WIFE. 5 00:00:11,739 --> 00:00:13,700 YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING THE SAME THING I AM ‐‐ 6 00:00:13,700 --> 00:00:15,702 HOW DID I GET HERE? 7 00:00:15,702 --> 00:00:19,664 Both: ♪ OH, IT FEELS SO RIGHT ♪ [ CHEERING ] 8 00:00:19,664 --> 00:00:23,126 WELL, LAST YEAR, THE CLOSEST THING I HAD TO A FAMILY 9 00:00:23,126 --> 00:00:25,378 WAS MY BEST FRIEND, MEG, 10 00:00:25,378 --> 00:00:27,171 AND WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER. 11 00:00:27,171 --> 00:00:29,382 ♪ JUMP ♪ WE WERE RAMEN‐EATING... 12 00:00:29,382 --> 00:00:31,551 ♪ FOR MY LOVE, JUMP IN ♪ ...RANDOM‐DATING, PARTY‐HOPPING SINGLE. 13 00:00:31,551 --> 00:00:33,178 AND WE HAD FUN. 14 00:00:33,178 --> 00:00:34,596 ♪ FOR MY LOVE, JUMP IN ♪ 15 00:00:34,596 --> 00:00:36,556 ANYTIME ONE OF US WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP... 16 00:00:36,556 --> 00:00:38,933 ♪ AND FEEL MY TOUCH ♪ ...WE'D HEAD TO CASA GRANDE FOR KARAOKE. 17 00:00:38,933 --> 00:00:41,603 ♪ JUMP, IF YOU WANT TO TASTE MY KISSES IN THE NIGHT ♪ AND LATELY, THERE HAD BEEN A LOT OF KARAOKE. 18 00:00:41,603 --> 00:00:43,146 ♪ JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP ♪ BUT I WAS A ROMANTIC, 19 00:00:43,146 --> 00:00:44,898 SO I KNEW, WHEN I FINALLY MET THE RIGHT GUY... 20 00:00:44,898 --> 00:00:46,774 ♪ JUMP ♪ ...I'D JUMP RIGHT IN. 21 00:00:46,774 --> 00:00:49,694 [ SCREAMS ] ♪ IF YOU WANT TO TASTE MY KISSES IN THE NIGHT, THEN ♪ 22 00:00:49,694 --> 00:00:51,696 OH. OHH, OHH. OW. ♪ JUMP, JUMP, JUMP ♪ 23 00:00:51,696 --> 00:00:53,406 SO SORRY. 24 00:00:53,406 --> 00:00:55,742 UH... OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT, BUT YOU'RE ‐‐ YOU'RE BLEEDING. 25 00:00:55,742 --> 00:00:57,702 CAN I GET SOME NAPKINS, PLEASE? 26 00:00:58,369 --> 00:01:00,038 SO SORRY. I'M OK‐‐ THIS HURTS. 27 00:01:00,038 --> 00:01:01,789 HE WAS CHARMING AND, EVEN THOUGH I BROKE HIS NOSE, 28 00:01:01,789 --> 00:01:03,625 HE INSISTED THE DOCTOR SEE ME FIRST. 29 00:01:03,625 --> 00:01:05,835 OH, COME ON. YOU CALL THAT A SCAR? YEAH. 30 00:01:05,835 --> 00:01:07,253 LOOK AT THIS. [ CLEARS THROAT ] 31 00:01:07,253 --> 00:01:09,130 I SLIPPED ON AN ICY STEP IN LAW SCHOOL. 32 00:01:09,130 --> 00:01:11,799 SUED THE SCHOOL. I WON. PAID FOR LAW SCHOOL. 33 00:01:11,799 --> 00:01:13,051 OH, YEAH? YEAH. 34 00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:14,844 CHECK THIS ONE OUT. I PUNCHED A CROSSING GUARD. 35 00:01:14,844 --> 00:01:18,556 2002. CLIFF DIVING IN COSTA RICA. 36 00:01:18,556 --> 00:01:20,975 RIGHT BEFORE I GO, I NOTICE THIS MOLE. 37 00:01:20,975 --> 00:01:22,852 MELANOMA. 38 00:01:22,852 --> 00:01:24,979 TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME. 39 00:01:24,979 --> 00:01:27,398 ONE, LOVE COSTA RICA. TWO, HATE MELANOMA. 40 00:01:27,398 --> 00:01:29,609 ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME ‐‐ 41 00:01:29,609 --> 00:01:30,777 I'M ALLERGIC TO NUTS. 42 00:01:30,777 --> 00:01:31,611 [ LAUGHS ] 43 00:01:31,611 --> 00:01:33,821 DAD! DAD! I'M STILL AWAKE! 44 00:01:33,821 --> 00:01:34,822 WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP, LITTLE MAN? 45 00:01:34,822 --> 00:01:37,617 AND THEN I MET HIS FAMILY. 46 00:01:37,617 --> 00:01:38,660 YOU KNOW WHAT? THE BABYSITTER CALLED 47 00:01:38,660 --> 00:01:40,119 AND SAID THAT YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL, 48 00:01:40,119 --> 00:01:41,621 SO I ROUNDED UP THE KIDS AND TOLD THEM 49 00:01:41,621 --> 00:01:43,790 TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST. SHE DID SAY THAT, YEAH. 50 00:01:43,790 --> 00:01:45,041 Hillary: HI, DAD. YOU'RE MARRIED. 51 00:01:45,041 --> 00:01:47,794 UH, UH, THIS IS MY EX‐WIFE JACKIE. 52 00:01:47,794 --> 00:01:49,253 HI. I'M JACKIE. 53 00:01:49,253 --> 00:01:50,797 THIS IS MY SON WARREN, MY DAUGHTER HILLARY. HI. 54 00:01:50,797 --> 00:01:52,590 I FOUND GUM! 55 00:01:52,590 --> 00:01:54,008 OH! OH, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. Hillary: YOU SHOULD PUT THAT D‐‐ 56 00:01:54,008 --> 00:01:57,011 DAD, WARREN ‐‐ [ WHISTLES ] WARREN, DROP IT. 57 00:01:57,011 --> 00:01:58,805 IT'S PROBABLY COVERED IN FECAL MATTER. 58 00:01:58,805 --> 00:02:00,431 MOM! YES! MOM! 59 00:02:00,431 --> 00:02:03,226 AND THEN I MET HIS WHOLE FAMILY. HI, GUYS. I KNOW. 60 00:02:03,226 --> 00:02:04,852 YOU ARE MARRIED. 61 00:02:04,852 --> 00:02:06,771 NO. UH, THAT'S MY OTHER EX‐WIFE. 62 00:02:06,771 --> 00:02:08,606 SHE'S THE MOTHER OF THE TWINS. 63 00:02:08,606 --> 00:02:09,816 JACKIE IS BERT'S MOM. 64 00:02:09,816 --> 00:02:10,900 I'M FROM CHINA. 65 00:02:10,900 --> 00:02:12,694 OH. FROM CHINA. 66 00:02:12,694 --> 00:02:13,611 SO, PETE, LOOKS LIKE DR. PATEL SAYS 67 00:02:13,611 --> 00:02:16,406 THAT YOU BROKE YOUR NOSE IN A BAR. YEAH. 68 00:02:16,406 --> 00:02:17,532 HOW DID THAT HAPPEN? 69 00:02:17,532 --> 00:02:19,742 UM...WOW. UH...I WAS IN A RESTAURANT. 70 00:02:19,742 --> 00:02:20,994 Jackie: I'M SORRY. 71 00:02:20,994 --> 00:02:22,412 UH, OKAY, THIS IS AN ANCIENT HEALING TECHNIQUE 72 00:02:22,412 --> 00:02:23,830 I'VE BEEN REALLY WORKING ON. 73 00:02:23,830 --> 00:02:27,625 IT'S CALLED REIKI, AND IT REALLY DOES A THING. NO, UH... 74 00:02:27,625 --> 00:02:30,211 EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HOLD THIS, PLEASE, YOUNG LADY? 75 00:02:30,211 --> 00:02:31,421 JACKIE, DO YOU MIND IF I JUST TRY 76 00:02:31,421 --> 00:02:33,006 A MODERN HEALING TECHNIQUE CALLED SCIENCE? 77 00:02:33,006 --> 00:02:34,132 ALL RIGHT, SIT UP, PLEASE. SIT UP? 78 00:02:34,132 --> 00:02:35,425 KIDS, LOOK AWAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ‐‐ 79 00:02:35,425 --> 00:02:37,677 [ CRACK ] OW! Both: OHH! 80 00:02:37,677 --> 00:02:38,720 ALL RIGHT. GOOD. THANK YOU. 81 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:39,679 ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. COME ON, GUYS. 82 00:02:39,679 --> 00:02:41,431 ARE YOU OKAY? THAT HURT, BUT... 83 00:02:41,431 --> 00:02:42,849 I CAN BREATHE. 84 00:02:42,849 --> 00:02:44,851 [ ALL TALKING ] 85 00:02:44,851 --> 00:02:46,269 YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M TOTALLY FINE. 86 00:02:46,269 --> 00:02:48,604 DAD! I CAN'T GET THIS BACK IN! 87 00:02:48,604 --> 00:02:49,689 [ AIR HISSING ] OH, BERT! 88 00:02:49,689 --> 00:02:52,692 [ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ] 89 00:02:52,692 --> 00:02:56,696 [ LAUGHS ] 90 00:02:56,696 --> 00:03:00,074 WOULD YOU...EVER WANT TO GO OUT FOR COFFEE? 91 00:03:00,074 --> 00:03:03,619 I'M FREE TUESDAYS, THURSDAYS, AND EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. 92 00:03:03,619 --> 00:03:04,829 SOME GIRLS WOULD HAVE SAID NO, 93 00:03:04,829 --> 00:03:08,041 BUT I LIKED HIM, SO I JUMPED RIGHT IN. 94 00:03:08,041 --> 00:03:09,792 SURE. YEAH. 95 00:03:09,792 --> 00:03:12,795 I'M, UH...I THINK I'M ‐‐ I'M FREE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND. 96 00:03:12,795 --> 00:03:13,963 GOOD. 97 00:03:13,963 --> 00:03:15,715 I MEAN, I ALWAYS WANTED A HUSBAND AND FAMILY. 98 00:03:15,715 --> 00:03:19,093 I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT TO MEET THEM ALL IN ONE NIGHT. 99 00:03:19,093 --> 00:03:22,680 SO NOW I'M HERE, AND I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL. 100 00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:23,765 [ BURPS ] 101 00:03:27,769 --> 00:03:29,062 [ BEEPING ] [ DOG BARKING ] 102 00:03:29,062 --> 00:03:30,480 AAH, YOU LITTLE... 103 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:31,647 [ GRUNTS ] COME ON! 104 00:03:31,647 --> 00:03:33,858 [ BANGING ] JUST SHUT UP! 105 00:03:33,858 --> 00:03:35,610 COME ‐‐ [ BEEPING STOPS ] 106 00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:36,986 [ CLATTER ] YES. 107 00:03:36,986 --> 00:03:39,530 HEY, GUYS. JUST MAKING BREAKFAST. 108 00:03:39,530 --> 00:03:41,115 YEAH, WE HEARD. 109 00:03:41,115 --> 00:03:42,158 OH. HEY, HEY. 110 00:03:42,158 --> 00:03:43,910 MY TRIDENT. OH. THANKS, WARREN. 111 00:03:43,910 --> 00:03:47,663 I'M NOT WARREN. I'M POSEIDON, GOD OF THE SEA! 112 00:03:47,663 --> 00:03:49,832 [ Chuckling ] AW. THAT'S GREAT. 113 00:03:49,832 --> 00:03:51,751 HEY, LESS SMOKE THAN YESTERDAY. 114 00:03:51,751 --> 00:03:53,419 DAD, YES! HEY. YOU NEED SOME HELP? 115 00:03:53,419 --> 00:03:54,754 NO, NO. I'M GETTING THE HANG OF IT. [ COUGHS ] 116 00:03:54,754 --> 00:03:55,713 I LOVE YOU. Both: MWAH. 117 00:03:55,713 --> 00:03:57,423 HOW'S THE CASE GOING? 118 00:03:57,423 --> 00:03:58,758 UH, IT'S GOING WELL. I HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE. 119 00:03:58,758 --> 00:04:00,093 I‐I JUST CAN'T PUT TOGETHER THE... 120 00:04:00,093 --> 00:04:02,178 THE ARGUMENT? THE EASEL. 121 00:04:02,178 --> 00:04:03,429 GUYS, YOU GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL. 122 00:04:03,429 --> 00:04:05,431 CHOP‐CHOP. I LOVE YOU BOTH. 123 00:04:05,431 --> 00:04:06,641 I LOVE YOU, TOO. 124 00:04:06,641 --> 00:04:07,683 HAVE FUN AT MODEL U. N. 125 00:04:07,683 --> 00:04:09,477 THANKS. I WILL. OKAY. Warren: BYE, DAD. 126 00:04:09,477 --> 00:04:10,603 SO, HIL, YOU EXCITED FOR THE CONCERT? 127 00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:13,231 OKAY, GOOD TALK. 128 00:04:13,231 --> 00:04:14,482 SHE'S GOING WITH CHELSEA TRASSEN. 129 00:04:14,482 --> 00:04:15,608 WHO'S CHELSEA TRASSEN? 130 00:04:15,608 --> 00:04:17,485 THIS JUNIOR WITH AN AWESOME BUTT. [ SCOFFS ] 131 00:04:17,485 --> 00:04:18,486 YOU KNOW, HIL, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, 132 00:04:18,486 --> 00:04:19,862 I LOVED GOING TO CONCERTS. 133 00:04:19,862 --> 00:04:22,657 THERE WAS THIS ONE YEAR WE WERE AT LOLLAPALOOZA, 134 00:04:22,657 --> 00:04:24,450 AND IT JUST STARTED POURING RAIN, 135 00:04:24,450 --> 00:04:27,662 AND EVERYONE WAS JUST MOSHING IN THE MUD, TOTALLY DRUNK. 136 00:04:27,662 --> 00:04:28,871 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DRUNK? 137 00:04:28,871 --> 00:04:30,665 [ SCOFFS ] DID YOU HAVE A FAKE? 138 00:04:30,665 --> 00:04:33,292 NO. WE JUST PUT VODKA IN THE WATER BOTTLES 139 00:04:33,292 --> 00:04:35,378 TO GET PAST SECURITY. OH. [ SCOFFS ] RIGHT. 140 00:04:35,378 --> 00:04:36,421 SO, IT STOPS RAINING, 141 00:04:36,421 --> 00:04:38,714 AND THE BIGGEST RAINBOW POPS OUT. 142 00:04:38,714 --> 00:04:41,300 A RAINBOW? WOW! OUR RIDE'S HERE. 143 00:04:41,300 --> 00:04:42,844 TALK TO YOU LATER, KATE. BYE, WARREN. 144 00:04:42,844 --> 00:04:44,178 [ Muffled ] THANKS FOR THE BREAKFAST. 145 00:04:44,178 --> 00:04:46,639 HAVE FUN AT MODEL U. N., HIL. 146 00:04:46,639 --> 00:04:48,683 YOU CAN STOP TRYING SO HARD. 147 00:04:48,683 --> 00:04:50,601 NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE A MOM. 148 00:04:50,601 --> 00:04:53,479 JUST THINK OF YOURSELF MORE AS MY DAD'S THIRD WIFE. 149 00:04:53,479 --> 00:04:54,689 BYE. 150 00:04:54,689 --> 00:04:57,233 [ SIGHS ] [ DOOR CLOSES ] 151 00:04:57,233 --> 00:04:59,485 UM, NO, THAT ‐‐ THAT WON'T WORK 152 00:04:59,485 --> 00:05:02,947 BECAUSE HIS MOM IS IN SURGERY AND I'M PREPARING A CASE. 153 00:05:02,947 --> 00:05:06,367 UH, IT'S WARREN'S TEACHER. SHE WANTS ME TO COME IN. 154 00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:09,787 DOES IT HAVE TO BE TODAY? [ SIGHS ] 155 00:05:09,787 --> 00:05:11,747 I'LL GO. I'LL GO. 156 00:05:11,747 --> 00:05:14,167 PLEASE, IT'LL GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO BE LIKE A ‐‐ 157 00:05:14,167 --> 00:05:16,794 YOU KNOW, UH, LIKE A PARENT. 158 00:05:16,794 --> 00:05:18,379 BUT BERT'S GOT ORCHESTRA. 159 00:05:18,379 --> 00:05:19,714 NO, I'LL GET MEG TO TAKE HIM. 160 00:05:19,714 --> 00:05:20,923 SHE GOT A CAR. A‐AND A LICENSE. 161 00:05:20,923 --> 00:05:22,717 YOU KNOW WHAT? 162 00:05:22,717 --> 00:05:25,553 MY ‐‐ MY WIFE IS GONNA COME IN, WARREN'S STEPMOM. 163 00:05:25,553 --> 00:05:29,348 NO, UH... HIS NEW STEPMOM. 164 00:05:29,348 --> 00:05:30,725 YEAH, SHE WILL BE THERE. 165 00:05:30,725 --> 00:05:32,768 OKAY. [ RECEIVER CLICKS ] 166 00:05:32,768 --> 00:05:34,520 LIKE THIS. LIKE THIS. WHO'S THE QUEEN? WHO'S THE QUEEN? 167 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:35,521 OH, YOUR MAMA'S THE QUEEN. 168 00:05:35,521 --> 00:05:36,606 YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT. 169 00:05:36,606 --> 00:05:38,816 OH, I'M GONNA DO GREAT. OH, I'M GONNA DO GREAT. 170 00:05:38,816 --> 00:05:40,234 [ CLATTER ] OH, GONNA DO GREAT! 171 00:05:40,234 --> 00:05:42,778 WHY DON'T I JUST ‐‐ I'M GONNA HOLD IT. 172 00:05:42,778 --> 00:05:45,781 ♪♪♪ 173 00:05:50,244 --> 00:05:52,246 [ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ] 174 00:05:52,246 --> 00:05:53,664 HEY. WHAT'S UP, MILF? 175 00:05:53,664 --> 00:05:54,874 SHUT UP, TOOLBOX. 176 00:05:54,874 --> 00:05:58,336 ♪♪♪ 177 00:05:58,336 --> 00:06:00,046 HEY, JACKIE. Bert: HI, MEG! 178 00:06:00,046 --> 00:06:03,049 KATE ASKED ME TO TAKE BERT TO ORCHESTRA TODAY. 179 00:06:03,049 --> 00:06:05,468 [ SIGHS ] OH! 180 00:06:05,468 --> 00:06:09,055 I ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I WOULD DO IT MYSELF, BUT MY DAY IS NUTS. 181 00:06:09,055 --> 00:06:10,389 CRAZY. IT'S CUCKOO. 182 00:06:10,389 --> 00:06:13,976 I JOINED THIS ORGANIC FOOD CO‐OP. IT'S SO GREAT. 183 00:06:13,976 --> 00:06:16,938 I MEAN, I GOT 30 ZUCCHINIS FOR 6 [Chuckling] BUCKS. 184 00:06:16,938 --> 00:06:18,022 WOW. 185 00:06:18,022 --> 00:06:19,023 YEAH, I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?" 186 00:06:19,023 --> 00:06:20,191 THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH." I GO, "WHAT?" 187 00:06:20,191 --> 00:06:21,275 CAN WE ‐‐ 188 00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:23,486 HEY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY. 189 00:06:23,486 --> 00:06:26,697 BUT IN THE MEANTIME, JUST TAKE THESE WITH YOU, OKAY? 190 00:06:26,697 --> 00:06:28,241 1,000 HUGS, 191 00:06:28,241 --> 00:06:31,035 2,000 NOSEYS, 3,000 BUTTERFLY KISSES. 192 00:06:31,035 --> 00:06:33,663 YOU KNOW MONDAY'S IN THREE DAYS, RIGHT? 193 00:06:33,663 --> 00:06:36,332 YEAH. OKAY. HAVE FUN. 194 00:06:36,332 --> 00:06:39,544 HELLO? HI, MS. STEINBERG? 195 00:06:39,544 --> 00:06:41,128 I'M KATE HARRISON, 196 00:06:41,128 --> 00:06:43,047 WARREN'S STEPMOTHER. OH. 197 00:06:43,047 --> 00:06:44,423 LOVELY TO MEET YOU. 198 00:06:44,423 --> 00:06:46,217 OH, MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SO YOUNG. 199 00:06:46,217 --> 00:06:47,760 YOU COULD BE A STUDENT HERE. 200 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,387 OH, SO COULD YOU. 201 00:06:49,387 --> 00:06:52,932 [ CHUCKLES ] A STUDENT OF LIFE, YOU KNOW? 202 00:06:52,932 --> 00:06:55,059 WE'RE ALL AGING. 203 00:06:55,059 --> 00:06:57,144 GREAT PIN. 204 00:06:57,144 --> 00:06:59,981 UH, THANK YOU. 205 00:06:59,981 --> 00:07:01,691 I'M GONNA JUST... I'M GONNA SIT. 206 00:07:04,652 --> 00:07:06,737 BROUGHT A NOTEPAD. 207 00:07:09,532 --> 00:07:10,992 DIANE! 208 00:07:10,992 --> 00:07:13,661 OH, I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE COMING. 209 00:07:13,661 --> 00:07:16,706 OF COURSE I WAS COMING. WARREN'S MY SON. 210 00:07:16,706 --> 00:07:19,250 HI, GRETA. DR. BUCKLEY. 211 00:07:19,250 --> 00:07:20,710 WHERE'S PETER? 212 00:07:20,710 --> 00:07:22,044 OH, HE'S WORKING, SO I'M HERE. 213 00:07:22,044 --> 00:07:23,504 WELL, I HAD TO POSTPONE 214 00:07:23,504 --> 00:07:24,880 AN OSTEOCHONDRAL AUTOGRAFT THIS AFTERNOON, 215 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:27,091 BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME MAKING A FEDERAL CASE ABOUT IT. 216 00:07:27,091 --> 00:07:30,011 OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT IS A FEDERAL CASE, 217 00:07:30,011 --> 00:07:32,054 SO HE'S MAKING ABOUT IT... 218 00:07:32,054 --> 00:07:33,764 WHAT IT IS ABOUT. 219 00:07:34,807 --> 00:07:37,143 LET'S BEGIN, SHALL WE? 220 00:07:37,143 --> 00:07:38,686 YES. 221 00:07:38,686 --> 00:07:41,022 [ BACKFIRING ] 222 00:07:41,022 --> 00:07:43,607 SO, SAXOPHONE, THAT'S YOUR THING? 223 00:07:43,607 --> 00:07:44,817 I DON'T KNOW. 224 00:07:44,817 --> 00:07:47,653 I LIKE SOCCER, I LIKE THE SOLAR SYSTEM, 225 00:07:47,653 --> 00:07:49,447 AND I LIKE LEGOS. 226 00:07:49,447 --> 00:07:52,616 I'M SAVING UP MY ALLOWANCE TO BUY LEGO FIRE STATION. 227 00:07:52,616 --> 00:07:54,452 IT'S $106. 228 00:07:54,452 --> 00:07:56,704 HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE? $8. 229 00:07:56,704 --> 00:07:58,581 [ SCOFFS ] GOOD LUCK WITH THAT. 230 00:08:00,249 --> 00:08:02,710 ARE YOU TAKING ME TO A BAR? 231 00:08:04,503 --> 00:08:06,505 I WON'T GO IN. 232 00:08:06,505 --> 00:08:09,300 RELAX. I'LL BE OUT IN TWO SECONDS. 233 00:08:09,300 --> 00:08:12,303 I'M JUST GONNA PICK UP MY PAYCHECK. 234 00:08:12,303 --> 00:08:15,514 I HAVE TO BE THERE BY 3:00! 235 00:08:15,514 --> 00:08:17,308 IF WE'RE LATE, I DON'T GET TO SOLO! 236 00:08:17,308 --> 00:08:18,517 [ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ] 237 00:08:18,517 --> 00:08:20,436 [ GROANS ] 238 00:08:20,436 --> 00:08:23,814 [ THUD ] 239 00:08:23,814 --> 00:08:25,399 KATE? 240 00:08:25,399 --> 00:08:28,611 [ CLATTER ] 241 00:08:28,611 --> 00:08:30,613 KATE, IS THAT YOU? 242 00:08:32,531 --> 00:08:35,326 HOW DID IT GO? 243 00:08:35,326 --> 00:08:37,286 [ RATTLING ] 244 00:08:37,286 --> 00:08:38,704 [ SCREAMS ] 245 00:08:38,704 --> 00:08:40,373 [ GASPS ] 246 00:08:40,373 --> 00:08:42,124 JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? 247 00:08:42,124 --> 00:08:44,710 UM, JUST... A LITTLE HAMSTER STUFF. 248 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:46,003 [ HAMSTER SQUEAKS ] 249 00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:48,798 WHAT DO YOU MEAN, AN "UNUSUAL PASSAGE"? 250 00:08:48,798 --> 00:08:51,217 WELL, WE'VE BEEN READING GREEK MYTHOLOGY. 251 00:08:51,217 --> 00:08:53,552 OH, YEAH, WARREN IS REALLY INTO POSEIDON, 252 00:08:53,552 --> 00:08:54,720 GOD OF THE SEA. 253 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,181 YES, KATE, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO POSEIDON IS. 254 00:08:57,181 --> 00:08:58,432 YES. 255 00:08:58,432 --> 00:09:00,351 PERHAPS IF YOU WOULD JUST READ WHAT HE WROTE. 256 00:09:00,351 --> 00:09:02,228 OKAY. 257 00:09:02,228 --> 00:09:04,814 [ CLEARS THROAT ] 258 00:09:04,814 --> 00:09:07,400 "POSEIDON LEFT THE SEA, WHERE HE LIVED 259 00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:09,610 "AND CAME TO THE ISLAND, WHERE SHE LIVED. 260 00:09:09,610 --> 00:09:11,987 "POSEIDON MOVED IN TO KISS HER. 261 00:09:11,987 --> 00:09:13,989 "'I'M TOO OLD FOR YOU,' SHE SAID, 262 00:09:13,989 --> 00:09:18,035 HER BREASTS HEAVING LIKE MILKY GRAPEFRUITS." 263 00:09:18,035 --> 00:09:21,038 [ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD. 264 00:09:21,038 --> 00:09:22,456 SORRY. 265 00:09:22,456 --> 00:09:23,791 PLEASE PROCEED. 266 00:09:23,791 --> 00:09:26,752 "'AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER,' DECLARED POSEIDON. 267 00:09:26,752 --> 00:09:28,879 "AND THEN, WITH HIS AGILE TONGUE, 268 00:09:28,879 --> 00:09:31,966 HE LICKED HER ANKLE TATTOO UNTIL IT GLISTENED." 269 00:09:31,966 --> 00:09:35,386 HMM? "HE COULD WAIT NO LONGER. 270 00:09:35,386 --> 00:09:37,847 HIS MIGHTY TRIDENT RIPPED THROUGH HIS ‐‐" 271 00:09:37,847 --> 00:09:39,056 HELLO! 272 00:09:39,056 --> 00:09:40,683 THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH. 273 00:09:40,683 --> 00:09:43,227 HOW COULD HE HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS APPROPRIATE TO TURN IN? 274 00:09:43,227 --> 00:09:44,979 I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE, DIANE. 275 00:09:44,979 --> 00:09:46,647 WE ARE BOTH EQUALLY AS SHOCKED, 276 00:09:46,647 --> 00:09:48,649 AND I AM DISMAYED. 277 00:09:48,649 --> 00:09:49,734 DIANE, ARE YOU DISMAYED? 278 00:09:49,734 --> 00:09:51,360 WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR ANKLE? 279 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,571 WHAT'S WHAT? 280 00:09:53,571 --> 00:09:56,824 IT'S YOU ‐‐ YOUR MILKY GRAPEFRUITS. 281 00:09:59,785 --> 00:10:02,663 OH, COME ON, DIANE. 282 00:10:02,663 --> 00:10:03,914 TH‐THIS STORY MIGHT NOT BE ABOUT ME. 283 00:10:03,914 --> 00:10:07,042 AND LET'S BE HONEST. THESE ARE NOT GRAPEFRUITS, OKAY? 284 00:10:07,042 --> 00:10:09,670 THESE ARE PEACHES, AT MOST. 285 00:10:09,670 --> 00:10:11,213 NO COMPLAINTS. NOT RELEVANT. 286 00:10:11,213 --> 00:10:12,631 OKAY, PLEASE, KATE, IT'S OBVIOUS 287 00:10:12,631 --> 00:10:14,258 THAT YOU'RE THE SUBJECT OF WARREN'S EROTICA. 288 00:10:14,258 --> 00:10:16,427 WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE AT YOUR HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU WEAR? 289 00:10:16,427 --> 00:10:18,095 NOTHING! MM‐HMM. MM. 290 00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:20,014 NO! I‐I WEAR PAJAMAS, OF COURSE. 291 00:10:20,014 --> 00:10:22,975 I MEAN, WARREN IS A 15‐YEAR‐OLD BOY. 292 00:10:22,975 --> 00:10:25,394 A STRONG GUST OF WIND COULD GIVE HIM AN ERECTION. 293 00:10:25,394 --> 00:10:27,813 I'M A DOCTOR, KATE. 294 00:10:27,813 --> 00:10:29,607 I HAVE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT ERECTIONS 295 00:10:29,607 --> 00:10:30,816 THAN YOU'LL EVER LEARN. 296 00:10:30,816 --> 00:10:34,862 OKAY. WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS HOW WE'D LIKE TO...PROCEED? 297 00:10:34,862 --> 00:10:37,698 I THINK IT'D BE BEST IF YOU LET ME HANDLE IT FROM HERE. 298 00:10:39,825 --> 00:10:41,786 [ CHUCKLES ] OF COURSE. 299 00:10:41,786 --> 00:10:45,664 IT WAS LOVELY MEETING YOU, MS. STEINBERG. 300 00:10:45,664 --> 00:10:47,291 [ DESK SCRAPES ] 301 00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:48,501 SORRY. 302 00:10:48,501 --> 00:10:49,710 OH! 303 00:10:49,710 --> 00:10:51,045 UH, SORRY, DIANE. [ CHAIR SCRAPES ] 304 00:10:51,045 --> 00:10:52,755 [ HAMSTERS SQUEAKING ] Peter: OKAY, JUST TO REVIEW. 305 00:10:52,755 --> 00:10:54,173 INSTEAD OF HAVING A DIFFICULT 306 00:10:54,173 --> 00:10:56,050 BUT HONEST DISCUSSION WITH BERT, 307 00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:57,718 YOU CHOSE TO BREAK INTO MY HOME, 308 00:10:57,718 --> 00:10:59,386 KIDNAP MY HAMSTER... UH‐HUH. YEAH. 309 00:10:59,386 --> 00:11:00,805 ...REPLACE IT WITH YOUR DEAD HAMSTER, 310 00:11:00,805 --> 00:11:01,764 AND MAKE ME DEAL WITH IT? 311 00:11:01,764 --> 00:11:03,766 UH...YEAH. CORRECT. 312 00:11:03,766 --> 00:11:05,768 AND SINCE, YOU KNOW, JOSE AND MEATBALL ‐‐ 313 00:11:05,768 --> 00:11:08,103 DON'T LOOK ‐‐ ARE TWINS, 314 00:11:08,103 --> 00:11:09,688 I JUST THOUGHT I'D JUST, YOU KNOW... 315 00:11:09,688 --> 00:11:11,065 [ WHISTLES ] 316 00:11:11,065 --> 00:11:12,650 AND I DIDN'T BREAK INTO YOUR HOME. 317 00:11:12,650 --> 00:11:14,693 RELAX. I USED THE HIDE‐A‐KEY. 318 00:11:14,693 --> 00:11:15,653 WE DON'T HAVE A HIDE‐A‐KEY. 319 00:11:15,653 --> 00:11:17,613 I DO. YOU HAVE A HIDE‐A‐KEY? 320 00:11:17,613 --> 00:11:19,740 WELL, DON'T WORRY. IT'S, LIKE, HIDDEN. 321 00:11:19,740 --> 00:11:21,242 GIVE ME JOSE. NO. 322 00:11:21,242 --> 00:11:22,743 GIVE ME THE HAMSTER. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 323 00:11:22,743 --> 00:11:24,078 JOSE, COME HERE. OH, SHOOT! OH, OH! 324 00:11:24,078 --> 00:11:25,579 DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY! NO, NO! 325 00:11:25,579 --> 00:11:27,540 [ SLAM, CRUNCH ] 326 00:11:27,540 --> 00:11:28,749 [ INHALES SHARPLY ] 327 00:11:28,749 --> 00:11:30,376 AAH! OHH. 328 00:11:30,376 --> 00:11:33,963 OKAY, WELL, WE'LL JUST ‐‐ WE'LL PUT HIM BACK IN THE CAGE, 329 00:11:33,963 --> 00:11:35,798 AND YOU'LL TELL HIM THAT HE JUST... 330 00:11:35,798 --> 00:11:36,966 EXPLODED? 331 00:11:36,966 --> 00:11:39,760 [ RINGTONE PLAYS ] Kate: OH. GOOD. 332 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,345 [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] 333 00:11:41,345 --> 00:11:42,888 SO, MY STEPSON IS A HORNDOG. 334 00:11:42,888 --> 00:11:44,765 WHAT'S A HORNDOG? 335 00:11:45,850 --> 00:11:48,853 IT'S A SUPER‐CUTE DOG! 336 00:11:48,853 --> 00:11:49,979 HI, BUDDY. 337 00:11:49,979 --> 00:11:52,064 WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME FROM MEG'S PHONE? 338 00:11:52,064 --> 00:11:55,025 SHE LEFT ME IN THE CAR AND WENT TO A BAR. 339 00:11:55,025 --> 00:11:56,819 ARE YOU OKAY? 340 00:11:56,819 --> 00:11:59,655 YEAH, THE WINDOW'S OPEN A LITTLE, SO I CAN BREATHE. 341 00:11:59,655 --> 00:12:00,823 GREAT. GOOD. 342 00:12:00,823 --> 00:12:02,449 WELL, YOU JUST MAKE SURE THAT MEG CALLS ME 343 00:12:02,449 --> 00:12:03,826 AS SOON AS SHE GETS BACK, OKAY? 344 00:12:03,826 --> 00:12:07,663 UM, OKAY, SURE. BYE. 345 00:12:07,663 --> 00:12:09,206 UNBELIEVABLE! [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ] 346 00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:11,208 UGH! THIS DAY! 347 00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,210 [ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK CLICKS ] 348 00:12:13,210 --> 00:12:15,629 LET ME IN. NO. I'M LATE. 349 00:12:15,629 --> 00:12:17,214 NOW I CAN'T SOLO. 350 00:12:17,214 --> 00:12:19,425 YES, YOU CAN. YOU CAN SOLO ALONE. 351 00:12:19,425 --> 00:12:20,801 THAT'S WHAT SOLO MEANS ‐‐ ALONE. 352 00:12:20,801 --> 00:12:22,845 [ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK THUDS ] 353 00:12:22,845 --> 00:12:24,471 I AM A GROWN‐UP, AND AS A GROWN‐UP, 354 00:12:24,471 --> 00:12:25,723 I COMMAND YOU TO OPEN THIS DOOR. 355 00:12:25,723 --> 00:12:27,558 YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL GROWN‐UP. 356 00:12:27,558 --> 00:12:30,352 YOUR CAR IS FULL OF GARBAGE AND SHOES. 357 00:12:30,352 --> 00:12:32,938 HOW ABOUT YOU BUY ME THE FIRE STATION? 358 00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,523 WHY DON'T YOU LET ME IN THE CAR, 359 00:12:34,523 --> 00:12:36,775 AND WE'LL DRIVE TO THE TOY STORE TOGETHER? 360 00:12:36,775 --> 00:12:37,776 [ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK THUDS ] 361 00:12:37,776 --> 00:12:39,612 DO YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY? 362 00:12:39,612 --> 00:12:41,739 I WAS BORN IN 2006! 363 00:12:43,407 --> 00:12:45,618 I THINK YOU CAN WALK. 364 00:12:45,618 --> 00:12:48,829 [ DOG BARKS ] Peter: THIS IS GREAT. NOW I CAN GET BACK TO WORK. 365 00:12:48,829 --> 00:12:52,041 OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FOUND TWO IDENTICAL SPOTTED HAMSTERS. 366 00:12:52,041 --> 00:12:54,043 ALL RIGHT, THAT'LL BE $34.99 FOR THE TWO OF THEM. 367 00:12:54,043 --> 00:12:56,754 OH, WE'RE PAYING SEPARATELY. WE'RE DIVORCED. 368 00:12:56,754 --> 00:12:57,838 FOCUS. 369 00:12:57,838 --> 00:12:59,798 YEAH, I MEAN, HE DOES PAY ME ALIMONY. 370 00:12:59,798 --> 00:13:02,426 FOCUS. YEAH. OKAY. OH. UH, SORRY. 371 00:13:02,426 --> 00:13:03,969 HAMSTERS. UM... 372 00:13:04,887 --> 00:13:06,305 JUST HAVE SO MUCH STUFF IN HERE. 373 00:13:06,305 --> 00:13:08,724 WHAT IS THAT? THIS? IT'S A PHONE. 374 00:13:08,724 --> 00:13:09,850 IN THE BAG. 375 00:13:09,850 --> 00:13:12,478 OH. OH. THIS IS NOTHING. 376 00:13:12,478 --> 00:13:14,188 YOU SHOULD SEE THE ONE HE KILLED. 377 00:13:14,188 --> 00:13:15,272 WAH! [ CHUCKLES ] 378 00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,232 GET OUT! 379 00:13:17,232 --> 00:13:19,652 COME ON. OUT! 380 00:13:19,652 --> 00:13:23,656 ♪♪♪ 381 00:13:23,656 --> 00:13:26,241 [ GIRLS LAUGHING ] [ HORN HONKS ] 382 00:13:26,241 --> 00:13:27,242 HILLARY! 383 00:13:30,871 --> 00:13:32,623 WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SUBBING? 384 00:13:32,623 --> 00:13:33,916 THAT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I THINK IT IS. 385 00:13:33,916 --> 00:13:35,626 I'M ALLOWED TO DRINK WATER. 386 00:13:35,626 --> 00:13:37,461 THAT WAS A STORY, HIL, NOT A HELPFUL HINT. 387 00:13:37,461 --> 00:13:38,545 NOW GIVE ME THE BOTTLE. 388 00:13:38,545 --> 00:13:41,632 NO. HILLARY! LET'S GO! 389 00:13:41,632 --> 00:13:44,510 GIVE ME THE BOTTLE OR I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER. 390 00:13:44,510 --> 00:13:46,095 PLEASE DON'T LET MY MOM FIND OUT. 391 00:13:46,095 --> 00:13:47,346 YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS. 392 00:13:47,346 --> 00:13:49,640 WHEN I CUT GYM, SHE MADE ME TRAIN FOR A 10K. 393 00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:50,683 FINE, BUT ME AND YOUR DAD 394 00:13:50,683 --> 00:13:52,059 ARE GONNA GROUND THE CRAP OUT OF YOU. 395 00:13:52,059 --> 00:13:53,227 "YOUR DAD AND I." 396 00:13:54,103 --> 00:13:56,980 HILLARY, LET'S GO. 397 00:13:56,980 --> 00:13:59,149 KATE, HAVE PETER CALL ME THIS EVENING. 398 00:13:59,149 --> 00:14:00,901 OF COURSE. 399 00:14:00,901 --> 00:14:02,903 YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THIRSTY. I NEED A SODA. 400 00:14:02,903 --> 00:14:04,738 YOU'RE NOT HAVING SODA. SODA IS FOR SUMMER. 401 00:14:04,738 --> 00:14:05,906 KATE, GIVE HIM YOUR WATER. 402 00:14:08,158 --> 00:14:10,661 KATE, THE WATER BOTTLE. 403 00:14:12,746 --> 00:14:14,748 IT'S WARM. 404 00:14:14,748 --> 00:14:15,916 WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE? 405 00:14:15,916 --> 00:14:17,626 NO! 406 00:14:18,293 --> 00:14:22,047 [ CHUCKLES ] I'M REALLY THIRSTY, TOO. 407 00:14:25,509 --> 00:14:27,928 [ GULPING ] 408 00:14:33,684 --> 00:14:36,645 [ GAGS LIGHTLY ] 409 00:14:36,645 --> 00:14:39,273 [ COUGHS ] 410 00:14:39,273 --> 00:14:40,691 [ BOTTLE CLATTERS ] 411 00:14:40,691 --> 00:14:45,320 [ BREATHES DEEPLY, BURPS ] 412 00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:47,406 [ Wheezing ] THAT HIT THE SPOT. 413 00:14:47,406 --> 00:14:49,783 CHARMING. COME ON, SWEETIE. 414 00:14:49,783 --> 00:14:51,994 HIL? 415 00:14:51,994 --> 00:14:54,204 [ SQUEAKS, INHALES SHARPLY ] 416 00:14:56,915 --> 00:15:01,503 ♪♪♪ 417 00:15:01,503 --> 00:15:03,213 I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW A PERSON CAN JUST LOSE THEIR CAR KEYS. 418 00:15:03,213 --> 00:15:06,008 [ BURPS ] WARREN! 419 00:15:06,008 --> 00:15:07,968 WARREN, BEHAVE YOURSELF. 420 00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:09,762 I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! KATE! 421 00:15:10,637 --> 00:15:12,097 DO YOU WANT SOME MINTS? 422 00:15:14,975 --> 00:15:16,977 THANK YOU, STEPDAUGHTER. 423 00:15:16,977 --> 00:15:18,353 KATE, CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE? 424 00:15:18,353 --> 00:15:19,563 [ Sighing ] NO. 425 00:15:19,563 --> 00:15:20,606 [ PAPER RUSTLES ] 426 00:15:20,606 --> 00:15:22,399 [ CRUNCHING ] 427 00:15:23,650 --> 00:15:27,404 [ SIGHS ] 428 00:15:27,404 --> 00:15:29,406 THIS IS THE FOURTH STORE WE'VE BEEN TO. [ DOG BARKS ] 429 00:15:29,406 --> 00:15:30,991 NO TWINS. WE'RE SCREWED. 430 00:15:30,991 --> 00:15:32,868 SO LIKE MY PETE. [ SIGHS ] 431 00:15:32,868 --> 00:15:34,745 OH, SO FOCUSED ON THE NEGATIVE. 432 00:15:34,745 --> 00:15:37,706 JACKIE, IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER. 433 00:15:37,706 --> 00:15:39,583 [ DOG BARKING ] 434 00:15:39,583 --> 00:15:41,460 WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL BERT? 435 00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:42,878 WE ARE GONNA TELL HIM THE TRUTH. 436 00:15:42,878 --> 00:15:44,713 NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT, 437 00:15:44,713 --> 00:15:45,881 WE TELL HIM THE TRUTH. 438 00:15:45,881 --> 00:15:47,299 IT'S NO BIG DEAL. 439 00:15:47,299 --> 00:15:49,718 JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH, NO MATTER HOW MANY TEARS... 440 00:15:49,718 --> 00:15:51,303 DON'T ‐‐ DON'T. ...GO DOWN HIS LITTLE TEDDY‐BEAR CHEEKS. 441 00:15:51,303 --> 00:15:52,846 IF YOU CRY, HE CRIES. 442 00:15:52,846 --> 00:15:57,643 AH, THANKS FOR THE RIDE, DR PEPPER. 443 00:15:57,643 --> 00:15:59,603 OH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. 444 00:15:59,603 --> 00:16:01,438 I'LL BE GOING INSIDE 445 00:16:01,438 --> 00:16:03,816 TO DISCUSS TODAY'S EVENTS WITH...PETER! 446 00:16:03,816 --> 00:16:05,526 OH, DON'T. 447 00:16:05,526 --> 00:16:08,070 I'LL GO INSIDE AND DISCUSS THE DAY'S EVENTS WITH...PETER! 448 00:16:08,070 --> 00:16:10,656 KATE, MEG GOT ME A PRESENT! 449 00:16:10,656 --> 00:16:12,574 THAT'S GREAT! OH. 450 00:16:12,574 --> 00:16:13,659 HI! HEY. FINALLY. 451 00:16:13,659 --> 00:16:15,702 WHAT THE HELL? YOU LEFT HIM IN THE CAR? 452 00:16:15,702 --> 00:16:17,663 AND THEN HE TOOK ME FOR $100. HE'S NO VICTIM. 453 00:16:17,663 --> 00:16:19,706 Bert: I GOT A FIRE STATION. 454 00:16:19,706 --> 00:16:21,124 PETER, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT. 455 00:16:21,124 --> 00:16:22,709 CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE JUST GO HOME? 456 00:16:22,709 --> 00:16:25,170 MMM! 457 00:16:25,170 --> 00:16:27,798 OH! DIANE, YOU ARE AN OAK. 458 00:16:27,798 --> 00:16:29,258 AWESOME. JUST A SECOND. UH... 459 00:16:29,258 --> 00:16:31,552 BABY. ONE SECOND. 460 00:16:31,552 --> 00:16:33,720 UH, WE NEED TO GIVE BERT HIS... 461 00:16:33,720 --> 00:16:36,056 BRAND‐NEW WHAT? ...BRAND‐NEW... 462 00:16:36,056 --> 00:16:38,100 PUPPY! PUPPY! 463 00:16:38,100 --> 00:16:40,727 OH, MY GOD! I GOT A HORNDOG! 464 00:16:40,727 --> 00:16:42,145 YES. IT'S A RESCUE. 465 00:16:42,145 --> 00:16:43,564 THEY WERE GONNA EUTHANIZE IT, YOU GUYS. 466 00:16:43,564 --> 00:16:45,649 Hey. WHAT'S EUTHANIZE? 467 00:16:45,649 --> 00:16:47,442 [ ALL TALKING ] 468 00:16:47,442 --> 00:16:48,694 [ WHISTLES ] 469 00:16:48,694 --> 00:16:50,070 OKAY! 470 00:16:50,070 --> 00:16:51,989 NEIGHBORS ARE FILMING. IN THE HOUSE. 471 00:16:51,989 --> 00:16:55,617 DAD! HORNDOG NEEDS WATER! HE'S DYING! YEAH? 472 00:16:55,617 --> 00:16:56,952 WATER? I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. 473 00:16:56,952 --> 00:16:58,453 [ ALL TALKING ] 474 00:16:58,453 --> 00:17:01,290 PETER, I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT WARREN IN PRIVATE. 475 00:17:01,290 --> 00:17:03,250 THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN THIS FAMILY. 476 00:17:03,250 --> 00:17:04,835 I HAVE A SECRET, TOO, ACTUALLY, 477 00:17:04,835 --> 00:17:07,254 AND I THINK WE SHOULD GO IN ORDER OF WIVES. 478 00:17:07,254 --> 00:17:09,047 ME FIRST. OKAY. UH, KATE? 479 00:17:09,047 --> 00:17:10,424 YEAH, PETER... 480 00:17:10,424 --> 00:17:13,635 [ SPEAKING GERMAN ] 481 00:17:13,635 --> 00:17:17,431 [ SPEAKING GERMAN ] OH, I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME. 482 00:17:17,431 --> 00:17:20,142 OH, MY GOD, THESE FLAVORS ARE OUTRAGEOUS. 483 00:17:20,142 --> 00:17:21,560 HEY, CAN I HAVE BERT'S FIRE STATION? 484 00:17:21,560 --> 00:17:22,728 IS THAT POO? 485 00:17:22,728 --> 00:17:23,937 POO? POO! 486 00:17:23,937 --> 00:17:25,814 EW! I'M SORRY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. 487 00:17:25,814 --> 00:17:27,649 HELLO? HILLARY? DID HE POO? 488 00:17:27,649 --> 00:17:29,610 WHAT? LOOK. IT'S ANOTHER PERSON. 489 00:17:29,610 --> 00:17:31,737 Peter: WANT TO CLEAN IT UP? WHAT IS THIS, GUYS, THANKSGIVING? 490 00:17:31,737 --> 00:17:33,947 WHOA, WHOA. CHELSEA. HEY. HI. 491 00:17:33,947 --> 00:17:37,117 UH, FANCY MEETING YOU HERE. 492 00:17:37,117 --> 00:17:38,327 YEAH, UH, ARE YOU... [ SIGHS ] 493 00:17:38,327 --> 00:17:39,953 ...EXCITED FOR DAYLIGHT SAVINGS? 494 00:17:39,953 --> 00:17:42,080 UM...SURE? 495 00:17:42,080 --> 00:17:43,749 EX‐EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP. YEAH. 496 00:17:43,749 --> 00:17:45,584 "MILKY GRAPEFRUITS." 497 00:17:45,584 --> 00:17:47,461 GOOD. GOOD. COOL. 498 00:17:47,461 --> 00:17:51,048 [ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD! OH! LOOK! 499 00:17:51,048 --> 00:17:54,092 LOOK! LOOK, DIANE! LOOK WHAT I FOUND! 500 00:17:54,092 --> 00:17:55,719 AM I IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING? 501 00:17:55,719 --> 00:17:57,262 SHH. SHUT UP. 502 00:17:58,847 --> 00:18:01,808 DIANE, ALL DAY LONG, 503 00:18:01,808 --> 00:18:04,978 YOU HAVE PATRONIZED ME AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE A CRIMINAL. 504 00:18:04,978 --> 00:18:07,814 AND AS IT TURNS OUT, YOU WERE WRONG. 505 00:18:07,814 --> 00:18:09,608 IT WASN'T ME. 506 00:18:09,608 --> 00:18:12,402 I THINK THAT I DEMAND AN APOLOGY. 507 00:18:12,402 --> 00:18:13,654 [ THUD ] 508 00:18:13,654 --> 00:18:15,405 Peter: OH. OH, MY GOSH. 509 00:18:15,405 --> 00:18:16,782 HOLD THIS. DOG POO. 510 00:18:16,782 --> 00:18:18,742 IS YOUR NANNY DRUNK? [ Chuckling ] AWESOME. 511 00:18:18,742 --> 00:18:21,036 I AM NOT THE NANNY. I AM ONE OF THE WIVES. 512 00:18:21,036 --> 00:18:22,621 SHE IS NOT DRUNK. YOU'RE NOT DRUNK? 513 00:18:22,621 --> 00:18:24,665 SHE'S DRUNK. ARE YOU DRUNK A LITTLE BIT? 514 00:18:24,665 --> 00:18:26,917 OKAY, THAT DOES IT. I AM SUING FOR FULL CUSTODY. 515 00:18:26,917 --> 00:18:29,544 DIANE, YOU PROMISED TO BE LESS LITIGIOUS. 516 00:18:29,544 --> 00:18:31,672 YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU PROMISED TO GROW UP 517 00:18:31,672 --> 00:18:32,631 AND NOT MARRY A CHILD‐BRIDE. 518 00:18:32,631 --> 00:18:33,882 THAT'S REALLY INAPPROPRIATE. 519 00:18:33,882 --> 00:18:35,467 I AM NOT A CHILD‐BRIDE. THAT'S NOT ‐‐ 520 00:18:35,467 --> 00:18:37,052 Hillary: OKAY, STOP! 521 00:18:37,052 --> 00:18:39,221 IT'S MY FAULT. 522 00:18:39,221 --> 00:18:41,932 I WAS TRYING TO SNEAK VODKA IN MY WATER BOTTLE, 523 00:18:41,932 --> 00:18:43,642 AND KATE CAUGHT ME AND TOOK IT AWAY. 524 00:18:43,642 --> 00:18:44,893 I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FIND OUT 525 00:18:44,893 --> 00:18:47,104 BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD SEND ME TO, LIKE, REHAB, 526 00:18:47,104 --> 00:18:49,064 AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK. 527 00:18:49,064 --> 00:18:50,399 YEAH, I DON'T ‐‐ I DON'T DRINK, EITHER. 528 00:18:51,858 --> 00:18:53,777 KATE DRANK THAT VODKA TO PROTECT ME. 529 00:18:53,777 --> 00:18:55,696 OH. 530 00:18:55,696 --> 00:18:56,989 I'M SORRY, KATE. 531 00:18:56,989 --> 00:18:59,408 I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT YOU THROUGH THIS. 532 00:19:01,410 --> 00:19:04,705 COME HERE, STEPDAUGHTER. Jackie: AWW! 533 00:19:04,705 --> 00:19:06,748 OH. OKAY. UGH. I KNEW YOU LOVED ME. 534 00:19:06,748 --> 00:19:09,084 MAYBE YOU DO NEED REHAB. 535 00:19:09,084 --> 00:19:11,545 OH, GO TO PROMISES. YOU WILL MEET A CELEBRITY. 536 00:19:11,545 --> 00:19:13,130 NO ONE IS GOING TO REHAB. 537 00:19:13,130 --> 00:19:14,798 HILLARY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE CONCERT. 538 00:19:14,798 --> 00:19:17,092 WHAT?! PLEASE. YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA DISCUSS A PUNISHMENT. 539 00:19:17,092 --> 00:19:19,720 WAIT. THE CONCERT'S IN AN HOUR. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO GO WITH? 540 00:19:19,720 --> 00:19:23,015 [ SIGHS ] 541 00:19:23,015 --> 00:19:24,474 I'LL GO WITH YOU! 542 00:19:25,892 --> 00:19:27,311 Chelsea: UM... 543 00:19:27,311 --> 00:19:28,770 OKAY? 544 00:19:28,770 --> 00:19:30,605 WAIT. REALLY? 545 00:19:30,605 --> 00:19:31,857 YEAH. OKAY. 546 00:19:31,857 --> 00:19:33,775 YES! WHOO! 547 00:19:33,775 --> 00:19:36,194 HEY, BUDDY, BUDDY. LEAVE THE TRIDENT. Jackie: YEAH, HE'S GOING. 548 00:19:38,613 --> 00:19:39,990 HEY. 549 00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:41,408 [ SIGHS ] 550 00:19:41,408 --> 00:19:43,410 HOW ARE YOU FEELING? 551 00:19:43,410 --> 00:19:46,580 OHH. 552 00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:50,083 WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER. 553 00:19:50,083 --> 00:19:53,003 YOU PUKED, DIDN'T YOU? 554 00:19:53,003 --> 00:19:55,005 YEAH. TWICE. 555 00:19:55,005 --> 00:19:59,217 YEAH, YOU GOT KIND OF A BOLOGNA‐MARTINI THING GOING ON. 556 00:19:59,217 --> 00:20:00,719 OHH. 557 00:20:00,719 --> 00:20:01,970 IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME A YEAR AGO 558 00:20:01,970 --> 00:20:04,973 THAT I'D BE MARRIED WITH THREE STEPKIDS RIGHT NOW, 559 00:20:04,973 --> 00:20:07,559 I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE. 560 00:20:07,559 --> 00:20:09,895 I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. 561 00:20:09,895 --> 00:20:11,313 I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING. 562 00:20:11,313 --> 00:20:14,566 I BOUGHT BERT A PUPPY TODAY BECAUSE I KILLED JOSE. 563 00:20:14,566 --> 00:20:15,734 THE GARDENER? 564 00:20:15,734 --> 00:20:18,820 THE...HAMSTER. 565 00:20:18,820 --> 00:20:20,614 DAD, JOSE'S NOT IN HIS CAGE! 566 00:20:20,614 --> 00:20:22,532 CAN YOU HELP ME LOOK FOR HIM? 567 00:20:25,077 --> 00:20:28,455 YEAH, BUDDY, I'M SURE HE'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE! 568 00:20:28,455 --> 00:20:30,457 OH, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL. 569 00:20:30,457 --> 00:20:31,666 YES, I AM. 570 00:20:33,418 --> 00:20:34,836 DID YOU LOSE YOUR HAMSTER? 571 00:20:34,836 --> 00:20:38,423 [ Singsong voice ] JOSE, WHERE ARE YOU? 572 00:20:38,423 --> 00:20:39,800 I'LL GET A FLASHLIGHT! 573 00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:41,843 Hillary: DAD, WHERE IS MY CELLPHONE? 574 00:20:41,843 --> 00:20:44,221 SO, I'M STILL FIGURING THINGS OUT. 575 00:20:44,221 --> 00:20:47,641 BUT TOMORROW, I'M GONNA GET UP AND JUMP IN ALL OVER AGAIN. 576 00:20:47,641 --> 00:20:49,434 I JUST HOPE I DON'T THROW UP. JOSE! 577 00:20:52,312 --> 00:20:53,897 [ DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE ] 578 00:20:53,897 --> 00:20:56,691 HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE? 579 00:20:56,691 --> 00:20:58,276 22 MINUTES. 580 00:20:58,276 --> 00:21:02,072 AND WAS IT WORTH BUYING 50 HIDE‐A‐KEYS FOR THIS? 581 00:21:02,072 --> 00:21:03,657 OH, ABSOLUTELY. 582 00:21:03,657 --> 00:21:05,742 THIS FEELS DIFFERENT. IT FEELS DIFFERENT. 583 00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,911 YES! NO. DAMN IT. 584 00:21:07,911 --> 00:21:09,704 WAIT. IS THIS THE RIGHT HOUSE? 585 00:21:09,704 --> 00:21:11,748 I'M GONNA SENSE IT. 586 00:21:13,959 --> 00:21:16,086 YEAH, IT'S THE RIGHT HOUSE. 587 00:21:16,086 --> 00:21:17,671 OH, HERE YOU ARE. 588 00:21:17,671 --> 00:21:19,005 [ CLATTERING ] 589 00:21:21,258 --> 00:21:23,218 THE DOOR ISN'T EVEN LOCKED. IT'S JUST A KEY IN A ROCK. 590 00:21:23,218 --> 00:21:24,177 I KNOW. YOU'RE JUST ‐‐ 591 00:21:24,177 --> 00:21:25,178 OH, YES, YOU! YES! AAH!