Kate: A YEAR AGO, I WAS SINGLE WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD.
TODAY, I'M MARRIED WITH THREE STEPKIDS,
AND I'M WASTED IN THE BACK OF MY HUSBAND'S EX‐WIFE'S CAR ‐‐
HIS FIRST EX‐WIFE.
YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING THE SAME THING I AM ‐‐
HOW DID I GET HERE?
Both: ♪ OH, IT FEELS SO RIGHT ♪ [ CHEERING ]
WELL, LAST YEAR, THE CLOSEST THING I HAD TO A FAMILY
WAS MY BEST FRIEND, MEG,
AND WE DID EVERYTHING TOGETHER.
♪ JUMP ♪ WE WERE RAMEN‐EATING...
♪ FOR MY LOVE, JUMP IN ♪ ...RANDOM‐DATING, PARTY‐HOPPING SINGLE.
AND WE HAD FUN.
♪ FOR MY LOVE, JUMP IN ♪
ANYTIME ONE OF US WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP...
♪ AND FEEL MY TOUCH ♪ ...WE'D HEAD TO CASA GRANDE FOR KARAOKE.
♪ JUMP, IF YOU WANT TO TASTE MY KISSES IN THE NIGHT ♪ AND LATELY, THERE HAD BEEN A LOT OF KARAOKE.
♪ JUMP, JUMP, JUMP, JUMP ♪ BUT I WAS A ROMANTIC,
SO I KNEW, WHEN I FINALLY MET THE RIGHT GUY...
♪ JUMP ♪ ...I'D JUMP RIGHT IN.
[ SCREAMS ] ♪ IF YOU WANT TO TASTE MY KISSES IN THE NIGHT, THEN ♪
OH. OHH, OHH. OW. ♪ JUMP, JUMP, JUMP ♪
SO SORRY.
UH... OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT, BUT YOU'RE ‐‐ YOU'RE BLEEDING.
CAN I GET SOME NAPKINS, PLEASE?
SO SORRY. I'M OK‐‐ THIS HURTS.
HE WAS CHARMING AND, EVEN THOUGH I BROKE HIS NOSE,
HE INSISTED THE DOCTOR SEE ME FIRST.
OH, COME ON. YOU CALL THAT A SCAR? YEAH.
LOOK AT THIS. [ CLEARS THROAT ]
I SLIPPED ON AN ICY STEP IN LAW SCHOOL.
SUED THE SCHOOL. I WON. PAID FOR LAW SCHOOL.
OH, YEAH? YEAH.
CHECK THIS ONE OUT. I PUNCHED A CROSSING GUARD.
2002. CLIFF DIVING IN COSTA RICA.
RIGHT BEFORE I GO, I NOTICE THIS MOLE.
MELANOMA.
TWO THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME.
ONE, LOVE COSTA RICA. TWO, HATE MELANOMA.
ONE THING YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT ME ‐‐
I'M ALLERGIC TO NUTS.
[ LAUGHS ]
DAD! DAD! I'M STILL AWAKE!
WHOA. WHAT ARE YOU DOING UP, LITTLE MAN?
AND THEN I MET HIS FAMILY.
YOU KNOW WHAT? THE BABYSITTER CALLED
AND SAID THAT YOU WERE IN THE HOSPITAL,
SO I ROUNDED UP THE KIDS AND TOLD THEM
TO PREPARE FOR THE WORST. SHE DID SAY THAT, YEAH.
Hillary: HI, DAD. YOU'RE MARRIED.
UH, UH, THIS IS MY EX‐WIFE JACKIE.
HI. I'M JACKIE.
THIS IS MY SON WARREN, MY DAUGHTER HILLARY. HI.
I FOUND GUM!
OH! OH, DON'T, DON'T, DON'T. Hillary: YOU SHOULD PUT THAT D‐‐
DAD, WARREN ‐‐ [ WHISTLES ] WARREN, DROP IT.
IT'S PROBABLY COVERED IN FECAL MATTER.
MOM! YES! MOM!
AND THEN I MET HIS WHOLE FAMILY. HI, GUYS. I KNOW.
YOU ARE MARRIED.
NO. UH, THAT'S MY OTHER EX‐WIFE.
SHE'S THE MOTHER OF THE TWINS.
JACKIE IS BERT'S MOM.
I'M FROM CHINA.
OH. FROM CHINA.
SO, PETE, LOOKS LIKE DR. PATEL SAYS
THAT YOU BROKE YOUR NOSE IN A BAR. YEAH.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
UM...WOW. UH...I WAS IN A RESTAURANT.
Jackie: I'M SORRY.
UH, OKAY, THIS IS AN ANCIENT HEALING TECHNIQUE
I'VE BEEN REALLY WORKING ON.
IT'S CALLED REIKI, AND IT REALLY DOES A THING. NO, UH...
EXCUSE ME. CAN YOU HOLD THIS, PLEASE, YOUNG LADY?
JACKIE, DO YOU MIND IF I JUST TRY
A MODERN HEALING TECHNIQUE CALLED SCIENCE?
ALL RIGHT, SIT UP, PLEASE. SIT UP?
KIDS, LOOK AWAY. DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ‐‐
[ CRACK ] OW! Both: OHH!
ALL RIGHT. GOOD. THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO. COME ON, GUYS.
ARE YOU OKAY? THAT HURT, BUT...
I CAN BREATHE.
[ ALL TALKING ]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. I'M TOTALLY FINE.
DAD! I CAN'T GET THIS BACK IN!
[ AIR HISSING ] OH, BERT!
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]
[ LAUGHS ]
WOULD YOU...EVER WANT TO GO OUT FOR COFFEE?
I'M FREE TUESDAYS, THURSDAYS, AND EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.
SOME GIRLS WOULD HAVE SAID NO,
BUT I LIKED HIM, SO I JUMPED RIGHT IN.
SURE. YEAH.
I'M, UH...I THINK I'M ‐‐ I'M FREE EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.
GOOD.
I MEAN, I ALWAYS WANTED A HUSBAND AND FAMILY.
I JUST DIDN'T EXPECT TO MEET THEM ALL IN ONE NIGHT.
SO NOW I'M HERE, AND I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
[ BURPS ]
[ BEEPING ] [ DOG BARKING ]
AAH, YOU LITTLE...
[ GRUNTS ] COME ON!
[ BANGING ] JUST SHUT UP!
COME ‐‐ [ BEEPING STOPS ]
[ CLATTER ] YES.
HEY, GUYS. JUST MAKING BREAKFAST.
YEAH, WE HEARD.
OH. HEY, HEY.
MY TRIDENT. OH. THANKS, WARREN.
I'M NOT WARREN. I'M POSEIDON, GOD OF THE SEA!
[ Chuckling ] AW. THAT'S GREAT.
HEY, LESS SMOKE THAN YESTERDAY.
DAD, YES! HEY. YOU NEED SOME HELP?
NO, NO. I'M GETTING THE HANG OF IT. [ COUGHS ]
I LOVE YOU. Both: MWAH.
HOW'S THE CASE GOING?
UH, IT'S GOING WELL. I HAVE ALL THE EVIDENCE.
I‐I JUST CAN'T PUT TOGETHER THE...
THE ARGUMENT? THE EASEL.
GUYS, YOU GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL.
CHOP‐CHOP. I LOVE YOU BOTH.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
HAVE FUN AT MODEL U. N.
THANKS. I WILL. OKAY. Warren: BYE, DAD.
SO, HIL, YOU EXCITED FOR THE CONCERT?
OKAY, GOOD TALK.
SHE'S GOING WITH CHELSEA TRASSEN.
WHO'S CHELSEA TRASSEN?
THIS JUNIOR WITH AN AWESOME BUTT. [ SCOFFS ]
YOU KNOW, HIL, WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
I LOVED GOING TO CONCERTS.
THERE WAS THIS ONE YEAR WE WERE AT LOLLAPALOOZA,
AND IT JUST STARTED POURING RAIN,
AND EVERYONE WAS JUST MOSHING IN THE MUD, TOTALLY DRUNK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, DRUNK?
[ SCOFFS ] DID YOU HAVE A FAKE?
NO. WE JUST PUT VODKA IN THE WATER BOTTLES
TO GET PAST SECURITY. OH. [ SCOFFS ] RIGHT.
SO, IT STOPS RAINING,
AND THE BIGGEST RAINBOW POPS OUT.
A RAINBOW? WOW! OUR RIDE'S HERE.
TALK TO YOU LATER, KATE. BYE, WARREN.
[ Muffled ] THANKS FOR THE BREAKFAST.
HAVE FUN AT MODEL U. N., HIL.
YOU CAN STOP TRYING SO HARD.
NO ONE EXPECTS YOU TO BE A MOM.
JUST THINK OF YOURSELF MORE AS MY DAD'S THIRD WIFE.
BYE.
[ SIGHS ] [ DOOR CLOSES ]
UM, NO, THAT ‐‐ THAT WON'T WORK
BECAUSE HIS MOM IS IN SURGERY AND I'M PREPARING A CASE.
UH, IT'S WARREN'S TEACHER. SHE WANTS ME TO COME IN.
DOES IT HAVE TO BE TODAY? [ SIGHS ]
I'LL GO. I'LL GO.
PLEASE, IT'LL GIVE ME THE CHANCE TO BE LIKE A ‐‐
YOU KNOW, UH, LIKE A PARENT.
BUT BERT'S GOT ORCHESTRA.
NO, I'LL GET MEG TO TAKE HIM.
SHE GOT A CAR. A‐AND A LICENSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MY ‐‐ MY WIFE IS GONNA COME IN, WARREN'S STEPMOM.
NO, UH... HIS NEW STEPMOM.
YEAH, SHE WILL BE THERE.
OKAY. [ RECEIVER CLICKS ]
LIKE THIS. LIKE THIS. WHO'S THE QUEEN? WHO'S THE QUEEN?
OH, YOUR MAMA'S THE QUEEN.
YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.
OH, I'M GONNA DO GREAT. OH, I'M GONNA DO GREAT.
[ CLATTER ] OH, GONNA DO GREAT!
WHY DON'T I JUST ‐‐ I'M GONNA HOLD IT.
♪♪♪
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ]
HEY. WHAT'S UP, MILF?
SHUT UP, TOOLBOX.
♪♪♪
HEY, JACKIE. Bert: HI, MEG!
KATE ASKED ME TO TAKE BERT TO ORCHESTRA TODAY.
[ SIGHS ] OH!
I ‐‐ YOU KNOW, I WOULD DO IT MYSELF, BUT MY DAY IS NUTS.
CRAZY. IT'S CUCKOO.
I JOINED THIS ORGANIC FOOD CO‐OP. IT'S SO GREAT.
I MEAN, I GOT 30 ZUCCHINIS FOR 6 [Chuckling] BUCKS.
WOW.
YEAH, I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?"
THEY'RE LIKE, "YEAH." I GO, "WHAT?"
CAN WE ‐‐
HEY. ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU ON MONDAY.
BUT IN THE MEANTIME, JUST TAKE THESE WITH YOU, OKAY?
1,000 HUGS,
2,000 NOSEYS, 3,000 BUTTERFLY KISSES.
YOU KNOW MONDAY'S IN THREE DAYS, RIGHT?
YEAH. OKAY. HAVE FUN.
HELLO? HI, MS. STEINBERG?
I'M KATE HARRISON,
WARREN'S STEPMOTHER. OH.
LOVELY TO MEET YOU.
OH, MY GOODNESS, YOU'RE SO YOUNG.
YOU COULD BE A STUDENT HERE.
OH, SO COULD YOU.
[ CHUCKLES ] A STUDENT OF LIFE, YOU KNOW?
WE'RE ALL AGING.
GREAT PIN.
UH, THANK YOU.
I'M GONNA JUST... I'M GONNA SIT.
BROUGHT A NOTEPAD.
DIANE!
OH, I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE COMING.
OF COURSE I WAS COMING. WARREN'S MY SON.
HI, GRETA. DR. BUCKLEY.
WHERE'S PETER?
OH, HE'S WORKING, SO I'M HERE.
WELL, I HAD TO POSTPONE
AN OSTEOCHONDRAL AUTOGRAFT THIS AFTERNOON,
BUT YOU DON'T SEE ME MAKING A FEDERAL CASE ABOUT IT.
OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, IT IS A FEDERAL CASE,
SO HE'S MAKING ABOUT IT...
WHAT IT IS ABOUT.
LET'S BEGIN, SHALL WE?
YES.
[ BACKFIRING ]
SO, SAXOPHONE, THAT'S YOUR THING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I LIKE SOCCER, I LIKE THE SOLAR SYSTEM,
AND I LIKE LEGOS.
I'M SAVING UP MY ALLOWANCE TO BUY LEGO FIRE STATION.
IT'S $106.
HOW MUCH DO YOU HAVE? $8.
[ SCOFFS ] GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.
ARE YOU TAKING ME TO A BAR?
I WON'T GO IN.
RELAX. I'LL BE OUT IN TWO SECONDS.
I'M JUST GONNA PICK UP MY PAYCHECK.
I HAVE TO BE THERE BY 3:00!
IF WE'RE LATE, I DON'T GET TO SOLO!
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS ]
[ GROANS ]
[ THUD ]
KATE?
[ CLATTER ]
KATE, IS THAT YOU?
HOW DID IT GO?
[ RATTLING ]
[ SCREAMS ]
[ GASPS ]
JACKIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
UM, JUST... A LITTLE HAMSTER STUFF.
[ HAMSTER SQUEAKS ]
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, AN "UNUSUAL PASSAGE"?
WELL, WE'VE BEEN READING GREEK MYTHOLOGY.
OH, YEAH, WARREN IS REALLY INTO POSEIDON,
GOD OF THE SEA.
YES, KATE, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHO POSEIDON IS.
YES.
PERHAPS IF YOU WOULD JUST READ WHAT HE WROTE.
OKAY.
[ CLEARS THROAT ]
"POSEIDON LEFT THE SEA, WHERE HE LIVED
"AND CAME TO THE ISLAND, WHERE SHE LIVED.
"POSEIDON MOVED IN TO KISS HER.
"'I'M TOO OLD FOR YOU,' SHE SAID,
HER BREASTS HEAVING LIKE MILKY GRAPEFRUITS."
[ Laughing ] OH, MY GOD.
SORRY.
PLEASE PROCEED.
"'AGE AIN'T NOTHING BUT A NUMBER,' DECLARED POSEIDON.
"AND THEN, WITH HIS AGILE TONGUE,
HE LICKED HER ANKLE TATTOO UNTIL IT GLISTENED."
HMM? "HE COULD WAIT NO LONGER.
HIS MIGHTY TRIDENT RIPPED THROUGH HIS ‐‐"
HELLO!
THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH.
HOW COULD HE HAVE THOUGHT THIS WAS APPROPRIATE TO TURN IN?
I'M AS SHOCKED AS YOU ARE, DIANE.
WE ARE BOTH EQUALLY AS SHOCKED,
AND I AM DISMAYED.
DIANE, ARE YOU DISMAYED?
WHAT IS THAT ON YOUR ANKLE?
WHAT'S WHAT?
IT'S YOU ‐‐ YOUR MILKY GRAPEFRUITS.
OH, COME ON, DIANE.
TH‐THIS STORY MIGHT NOT BE ABOUT ME.
AND LET'S BE HONEST. THESE ARE NOT GRAPEFRUITS, OKAY?
THESE ARE PEACHES, AT MOST.
NO COMPLAINTS. NOT RELEVANT.
OKAY, PLEASE, KATE, IT'S OBVIOUS
THAT YOU'RE THE SUBJECT OF WARREN'S EROTICA.
WHEN MY CHILDREN ARE AT YOUR HOUSE, WHAT DO YOU WEAR?
NOTHING! MM‐HMM. MM.
NO! I‐I WEAR PAJAMAS, OF COURSE.
I MEAN, WARREN IS A 15‐YEAR‐OLD BOY.
A STRONG GUST OF WIND COULD GIVE HIM AN ERECTION.
I'M A DOCTOR, KATE.
I HAVE FORGOTTEN MORE ABOUT ERECTIONS
THAN YOU'LL EVER LEARN.
OKAY. WHY DON'T WE DISCUSS HOW WE'D LIKE TO...PROCEED?
I THINK IT'D BE BEST IF YOU LET ME HANDLE IT FROM HERE.
[ CHUCKLES ] OF COURSE.
IT WAS LOVELY MEETING YOU, MS. STEINBERG.
[ DESK SCRAPES ]
SORRY.
OH!
UH, SORRY, DIANE. [ CHAIR SCRAPES ]
[ HAMSTERS SQUEAKING ] Peter: OKAY, JUST TO REVIEW.
INSTEAD OF HAVING A DIFFICULT
BUT HONEST DISCUSSION WITH BERT,
YOU CHOSE TO BREAK INTO MY HOME,
KIDNAP MY HAMSTER... UH‐HUH. YEAH.
...REPLACE IT WITH YOUR DEAD HAMSTER,
AND MAKE ME DEAL WITH IT?
UH...YEAH. CORRECT.
AND SINCE, YOU KNOW, JOSE AND MEATBALL ‐‐
DON'T LOOK ‐‐ ARE TWINS,
I JUST THOUGHT I'D JUST, YOU KNOW...
[ WHISTLES ]
AND I DIDN'T BREAK INTO YOUR HOME.
RELAX. I USED THE HIDE‐A‐KEY.
WE DON'T HAVE A HIDE‐A‐KEY.
I DO. YOU HAVE A HIDE‐A‐KEY?
WELL, DON'T WORRY. IT'S, LIKE, HIDDEN.
GIVE ME JOSE. NO.
GIVE ME THE HAMSTER. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
JOSE, COME HERE. OH, SHOOT! OH, OH!
DON'T LET HIM GET AWAY! NO, NO!
[ SLAM, CRUNCH ]
[ INHALES SHARPLY ]
AAH! OHH.
OKAY, WELL, WE'LL JUST ‐‐ WE'LL PUT HIM BACK IN THE CAGE,
AND YOU'LL TELL HIM THAT HE JUST...
EXPLODED?
[ RINGTONE PLAYS ] Kate: OH. GOOD.
[ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
SO, MY STEPSON IS A HORNDOG.
WHAT'S A HORNDOG?
IT'S A SUPER‐CUTE DOG!
HI, BUDDY.
WHY ARE YOU CALLING ME FROM MEG'S PHONE?
SHE LEFT ME IN THE CAR AND WENT TO A BAR.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, THE WINDOW'S OPEN A LITTLE, SO I CAN BREATHE.
GREAT. GOOD.
WELL, YOU JUST MAKE SURE THAT MEG CALLS ME
AS SOON AS SHE GETS BACK, OKAY?
UM, OKAY, SURE. BYE.
UNBELIEVABLE! [ CELLPHONE BEEPS ]
UGH! THIS DAY!
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK CLICKS ]
LET ME IN. NO. I'M LATE.
NOW I CAN'T SOLO.
YES, YOU CAN. YOU CAN SOLO ALONE.
THAT'S WHAT SOLO MEANS ‐‐ ALONE.
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK THUDS ]
I AM A GROWN‐UP, AND AS A GROWN‐UP,
I COMMAND YOU TO OPEN THIS DOOR.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN A REAL GROWN‐UP.
YOUR CAR IS FULL OF GARBAGE AND SHOES.
HOW ABOUT YOU BUY ME THE FIRE STATION?
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME IN THE CAR,
AND WE'LL DRIVE TO THE TOY STORE TOGETHER?
[ CAR ALARM CHIRPS, LOCK THUDS ]
DO YOU THINK I WAS BORN YESTERDAY?
I WAS BORN IN 2006!
I THINK YOU CAN WALK.
[ DOG BARKS ] Peter: THIS IS GREAT. NOW I CAN GET BACK TO WORK.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FOUND TWO IDENTICAL SPOTTED HAMSTERS.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'LL BE $34.99 FOR THE TWO OF THEM.
OH, WE'RE PAYING SEPARATELY. WE'RE DIVORCED.
FOCUS.
YEAH, I MEAN, HE DOES PAY ME ALIMONY.
FOCUS. YEAH. OKAY. OH. UH, SORRY.
HAMSTERS. UM...
JUST HAVE SO MUCH STUFF IN HERE.
WHAT IS THAT? THIS? IT'S A PHONE.
IN THE BAG.
OH. OH. THIS IS NOTHING.
YOU SHOULD SEE THE ONE HE KILLED.
WAH! [ CHUCKLES ]
GET OUT!
COME ON. OUT!
♪♪♪
[ GIRLS LAUGHING ] [ HORN HONKS ]
HILLARY!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, SUBBING?
THAT BETTER NOT BE WHAT I THINK IT IS.
I'M ALLOWED TO DRINK WATER.
THAT WAS A STORY, HIL, NOT A HELPFUL HINT.
NOW GIVE ME THE BOTTLE.
NO. HILLARY! LET'S GO!
GIVE ME THE BOTTLE OR I'M TELLING YOUR MOTHER.
PLEASE DON'T LET MY MOM FIND OUT.
YOU KNOW HOW SHE IS.
WHEN I CUT GYM, SHE MADE ME TRAIN FOR A 10K.
FINE, BUT ME AND YOUR DAD
ARE GONNA GROUND THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.
"YOUR DAD AND I."
HILLARY, LET'S GO.
KATE, HAVE PETER CALL ME THIS EVENING.
OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M THIRSTY. I NEED A SODA.
YOU'RE NOT HAVING SODA. SODA IS FOR SUMMER.
KATE, GIVE HIM YOUR WATER.
KATE, THE WATER BOTTLE.
IT'S WARM.
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES THAT MAKE?
NO!
[ CHUCKLES ] I'M REALLY THIRSTY, TOO.
[ GULPING ]
[ GAGS LIGHTLY ]
[ COUGHS ]
[ BOTTLE CLATTERS ]
[ BREATHES DEEPLY, BURPS ]
[ Wheezing ] THAT HIT THE SPOT.
CHARMING. COME ON, SWEETIE.
HIL?
[ SQUEAKS, INHALES SHARPLY ]
♪♪♪
I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW A PERSON CAN JUST LOSE THEIR CAR KEYS.
[ BURPS ] WARREN!
WARREN, BEHAVE YOURSELF.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING! KATE!
DO YOU WANT SOME MINTS?
THANK YOU, STEPDAUGHTER.
KATE, CAN I HAVE ONE OF THOSE?
[ Sighing ] NO.
[ PAPER RUSTLES ]
[ CRUNCHING ]
[ SIGHS ]
THIS IS THE FOURTH STORE WE'VE BEEN TO. [ DOG BARKS ]
NO TWINS. WE'RE SCREWED.
SO LIKE MY PETE. [ SIGHS ]
OH, SO FOCUSED ON THE NEGATIVE.
JACKIE, IT'S OVER. IT'S OVER.
[ DOG BARKING ]
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA TELL BERT?
WE ARE GONNA TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL, NO MATTER HOW DIFFICULT,
WE TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
JUST TELL HIM THE TRUTH, NO MATTER HOW MANY TEARS...
DON'T ‐‐ DON'T. ...GO DOWN HIS LITTLE TEDDY‐BEAR CHEEKS.
IF YOU CRY, HE CRIES.
AH, THANKS FOR THE RIDE, DR PEPPER.
OH. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'LL BE GOING INSIDE
TO DISCUSS TODAY'S EVENTS WITH...PETER!
OH, DON'T.
I'LL GO INSIDE AND DISCUSS THE DAY'S EVENTS WITH...PETER!
KATE, MEG GOT ME A PRESENT!
THAT'S GREAT! OH.
HI! HEY. FINALLY.
WHAT THE HELL? YOU LEFT HIM IN THE CAR?
AND THEN HE TOOK ME FOR $100. HE'S NO VICTIM.
Bert: I GOT A FIRE STATION.
PETER, THERE'S SOMETHING I'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
CAN EVERYBODY PLEASE JUST GO HOME?
MMM!
OH! DIANE, YOU ARE AN OAK.
AWESOME. JUST A SECOND. UH...
BABY. ONE SECOND.
UH, WE NEED TO GIVE BERT HIS...
BRAND‐NEW WHAT? ...BRAND‐NEW...
PUPPY! PUPPY!
OH, MY GOD! I GOT A HORNDOG!
YES. IT'S A RESCUE.
THEY WERE GONNA EUTHANIZE IT, YOU GUYS.
Hey. WHAT'S EUTHANIZE?
[ ALL TALKING ]
[ WHISTLES ]
OKAY!
NEIGHBORS ARE FILMING. IN THE HOUSE.
DAD! HORNDOG NEEDS WATER! HE'S DYING! YEAH?
WATER? I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
[ ALL TALKING ]
PETER, I NEED TO SPEAK TO YOU ABOUT WARREN IN PRIVATE.
THERE ARE NO SECRETS IN THIS FAMILY.
I HAVE A SECRET, TOO, ACTUALLY,
AND I THINK WE SHOULD GO IN ORDER OF WIVES.
ME FIRST. OKAY. UH, KATE?
YEAH, PETER...
[ SPEAKING GERMAN ]
OH, I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME.
OH, MY GOD, THESE FLAVORS ARE OUTRAGEOUS.
HEY, CAN I HAVE BERT'S FIRE STATION?
IS THAT POO?
POO? POO!
EW! I'M SORRY. I GOT IT. I GOT IT. I GOT IT.
HELLO? HILLARY? DID HE POO?
WHAT? LOOK. IT'S ANOTHER PERSON.
Peter: WANT TO CLEAN IT UP? WHAT IS THIS, GUYS, THANKSGIVING?
WHOA, WHOA. CHELSEA. HEY. HI.
UH, FANCY MEETING YOU HERE.
YEAH, UH, ARE YOU... [ SIGHS ]
...EXCITED FOR DAYLIGHT SAVINGS?
UM...SURE?
EX‐EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP. YEAH.
"MILKY GRAPEFRUITS."
GOOD. GOOD. COOL.
[ GASPS ] OH, MY GOD! OH! LOOK!
LOOK! LOOK, DIANE! LOOK WHAT I FOUND!
AM I IN TROUBLE OR SOMETHING?
SHH. SHUT UP.
DIANE, ALL DAY LONG,
YOU HAVE PATRONIZED ME AND MADE ME FEEL LIKE A CRIMINAL.
AND AS IT TURNS OUT, YOU WERE WRONG.
IT WASN'T ME.
I THINK THAT I DEMAND AN APOLOGY.
[ THUD ]
Peter: OH. OH, MY GOSH.
HOLD THIS. DOG POO.
IS YOUR NANNY DRUNK? [ Chuckling ] AWESOME.
I AM NOT THE NANNY. I AM ONE OF THE WIVES.
SHE IS NOT DRUNK. YOU'RE NOT DRUNK?
SHE'S DRUNK. ARE YOU DRUNK A LITTLE BIT?
OKAY, THAT DOES IT. I AM SUING FOR FULL CUSTODY.
DIANE, YOU PROMISED TO BE LESS LITIGIOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU PROMISED TO GROW UP
AND NOT MARRY A CHILD‐BRIDE.
THAT'S REALLY INAPPROPRIATE.
I AM NOT A CHILD‐BRIDE. THAT'S NOT ‐‐
Hillary: OKAY, STOP!
IT'S MY FAULT.
I WAS TRYING TO SNEAK VODKA IN MY WATER BOTTLE,
AND KATE CAUGHT ME AND TOOK IT AWAY.
I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FIND OUT
BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD SEND ME TO, LIKE, REHAB,
AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK.
YEAH, I DON'T ‐‐ I DON'T DRINK, EITHER.
KATE DRANK THAT VODKA TO PROTECT ME.
OH.
I'M SORRY, KATE.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT YOU THROUGH THIS.
COME HERE, STEPDAUGHTER. Jackie: AWW!
OH. OKAY. UGH. I KNEW YOU LOVED ME.
MAYBE YOU DO NEED REHAB.
OH, GO TO PROMISES. YOU WILL MEET A CELEBRITY.
NO ONE IS GOING TO REHAB.
HILLARY, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO THE CONCERT.
WHAT?! PLEASE. YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA DISCUSS A PUNISHMENT.
WAIT. THE CONCERT'S IN AN HOUR. WHO AM I SUPPOSED TO GO WITH?
[ SIGHS ]
I'LL GO WITH YOU!
Chelsea: UM...
OKAY?
WAIT. REALLY?
YEAH. OKAY.
YES! WHOO!
HEY, BUDDY, BUDDY. LEAVE THE TRIDENT. Jackie: YEAH, HE'S GOING.
HEY.
[ SIGHS ]
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
OHH.
WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.
YOU PUKED, DIDN'T YOU?
YEAH. TWICE.
YEAH, YOU GOT KIND OF A BOLOGNA‐MARTINI THING GOING ON.
OHH.
IF SOMEONE HAD TOLD ME A YEAR AGO
THAT I'D BE MARRIED WITH THREE STEPKIDS RIGHT NOW,
I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IN THEIR FACE.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.
I BOUGHT BERT A PUPPY TODAY BECAUSE I KILLED JOSE.
THE GARDENER?
THE...HAMSTER.
DAD, JOSE'S NOT IN HIS CAGE!
CAN YOU HELP ME LOOK FOR HIM?
YEAH, BUDDY, I'M SURE HE'S AROUND HERE SOMEWHERE!
OH, YOU ARE GOING TO HELL.
YES, I AM.
DID YOU LOSE YOUR HAMSTER?
[ Singsong voice ] JOSE, WHERE ARE YOU?
I'LL GET A FLASHLIGHT!
Hillary: DAD, WHERE IS MY CELLPHONE?
SO, I'M STILL FIGURING THINGS OUT.
BUT TOMORROW, I'M GONNA GET UP AND JUMP IN ALL OVER AGAIN.
I JUST HOPE I DON'T THROW UP. JOSE!
[ DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE ]
HOW LONG YOU BEEN HERE?
22 MINUTES.
AND WAS IT WORTH BUYING 50 HIDE‐A‐KEYS FOR THIS?
OH, ABSOLUTELY.
THIS FEELS DIFFERENT. IT FEELS DIFFERENT.
YES! NO. DAMN IT.
WAIT. IS THIS THE RIGHT HOUSE?
I'M GONNA SENSE IT.
YEAH, IT'S THE RIGHT HOUSE.
OH, HERE YOU ARE.
[ CLATTERING ]
THE DOOR ISN'T EVEN LOCKED. IT'S JUST A KEY IN A ROCK.
I KNOW. YOU'RE JUST ‐‐
OH, YES, YOU! YES! AAH!