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Kate: A year ago, I was single
without a care in the world.
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Today, I'm married with three stepkids,
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and I'm wasted in the back of
my husband's ex-wife's car ...
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His first ex-wife.
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You might be wondering
the same thing I am ...
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How did I get here?
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♪ Oh, it feels so right ♪
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Well, last year, the closest
thing I had to a family
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was my best friend, Meg,
and we did everything together.
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We were ramen-eating...
# Jump! #
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Random-dating, party-hopping single.
# for my love, jump in ... #
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And we had fun.
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♪ for my love, jump in ♪
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Anytime one of us went
through a breakup...
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We'd head to casa grande for karaoke.
# and feel my touch ... #
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And lately, there was a log of karaoke.
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but I was a romantic,
# jump, jump, jump, jump #
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so I knew, when I finally
met the right guy...
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I'd jump right in.
# jump ... #
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♪ if you want to taste
my kisses in the night, then ♪
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Oh. Ohh, ohh. Ow.
♪ jump, jump, jump ♪
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So sorry.
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Uh... Okay, don't freak out,
but you're ... you're bleeding.
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Can I get some napkins, please?
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- So sorry.
- I'm ok... this hurts.
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He was charming and, even
though I broke his nose,
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- He insisted the doctor see me first.
- Oh, come on. You call that a scar?
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- Yeah.
- Look at this.
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I slipped on an icy step in law school.
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Sued the school. I won.
Paid for law school.
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- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
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Check this one out.
I punched a crossing guard.
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2002. Cliff diving in Costa Rica.
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Right before I go, I notice this mole.
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- Melanoma.
- Two things you should know about me.
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One, love Costa Rica.
Two, hate melanoma.
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One thing you should know about me ...
I'm allergic to nuts.
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- Dad! Dad! I'm still awake!
- Whoa. What are you doing up, little man?
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And then I met his family.
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You know what? The babysitter
called and said that you
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were in the hospital, so I
rounded up the kids and told them
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- to prepare for the worst.
- She did say that, yeah.
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- Hillary: Hi, dad.
- You're married.
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- Uh, uh, this is my ex-wife Jackie.
- Hi. I'm Jackie.
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- This is my son Warren,
my daughter Hillary. - Hi.
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I found gum!
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- Oh! Oh, don't, don't, don't.
- Hillary: You should put that d...
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- Dad, Warren ...
- Warren, drop it.
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It's probably covered in fecal matter.
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- Mom!
- Yes! Mom!
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- And then I met his whole family.
- Hi, guys. I know.
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- You are married.
- No. Uh, that's my other ex-wife.
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She's the mother of the twins.
Jackie is Bert's mom.
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- I'm from China.
- Oh. - From China.
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So, Pete, looks like Dr. Patel says
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- that you broke your nose in a bar.
- Yeah.
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- How did that happen?
- Um... Wow. Uh...
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- I was in a restaurant.
- Jackie: I'm sorry.
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Uh, okay, this is an
ancient healing technique
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I've been really working on.
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- It's called Reiki, and it
really does a thing. - No, uh...
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Excuse me. Can you hold
this, please, young lady?
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Jackie, do you mind if I just try
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a modern healing
technique called science?
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- All right, sit up, please.
- Sit up?
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- Kids, look away.
- Do you know what you're ...
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- Ow!
- Ohh!
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All right. Good. Thank you.
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All right. Let's go. Come on, guys.
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- Are you okay?
- That hurt, but... I can breathe.
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- Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm totally fine.
- Dad! I can't get this back in!
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Oh, Bert!
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Would you... ever want
to go out for coffee?
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I'm free Tuesdays, Thursdays,
and every other weekend.
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Some girls would have said no,
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but I liked him, so I jumped right in.
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Sure. Yeah.
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I'm, uh... I think I'm ...
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- I'm free every other weekend.
- Good.
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I mean, I always wanted
a husband and family.
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I just didn't expect to
meet them all in one night.
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So now I'm here, and I've
got everything under control.
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Aah, you little...
come on!
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Just shut up!
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Come ...
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Yes.
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Hey, guys.
Just making breakfast.
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- Yeah, we heard.
- Oh. Hey, hey.
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- My trident.
- Oh. Thanks, Warren.
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I'm not Warren. I'm
Poseidon, God of the Sea!
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Aw. That's great.
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Hey, less smoke than yesterday.
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- Dad, yes! Hey.
- You need some help?
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No, no.
I'm getting the hang of it.
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- I love you.
- Both: Mwah.
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How's the case going?
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Uh, it's going well. I
have all the evidence.
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- I-I just can't put together the...
- The argument?
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The easel.
Guys, you got to go to school.
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Chop-chop. I love you both.
I love you, too.
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Have fun at Model U.N.
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- Thanks. I will. Okay.
- Warren: Bye, dad.
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So, Hil, you excited for the concert?
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- Okay, good talk.
- She's going with Chelsea Trassen.
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Who's Chelsea Trassen?
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This junior with an awesome butt.
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You know, Hil, when I was your
age, I loved going to concerts.
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There was this one year
we were at Lollapalooza,
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and it just started pouring rain,
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ad everyone was just moshing
in the mud, totally drunk.
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What do you mean, drunk?
Did you have a fake?
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No. We just put vodka
in the water bottles
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- to get past security.
- Oh. Right.
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So, it stops raining,
and the biggest rainbow pops out.
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A rainbow? Wow!
Our ride's here.
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- Talk to you later, Kate.
- Bye, Warren.
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Thanks for the breakfast.
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- Have fun at Model U.N., Hil.
- You can stop trying so hard.
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No one expects you to be a mom.
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Just think of yourself more
as my Dad's third wife. Bye.
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Um, no, that ... that won't work
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because his mom is in surgery
and I'm preparing a case.
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Uh, it's Warren's teacher.
She wants me to come in.
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Does it have to be today?
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I'll go. I'll go.
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Please, it'll give me the
chance to be like a ...
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- you know, uh, like a parent.
- But Bert's got orchestra.
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No, I'll get Meg to take him.
She got a car. A-and a license.
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You know what?
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My ... my wife is gonna
come in, Warren's stepmom.
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No, uh... his new stepmom.
Yeah, she will be there.
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Okay.
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- Like this. Like this.
- Who's the queen? Who's the queen?
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Oh, your mama's the queen.
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You're gonna do great.
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Oh, I'm gonna do great.
Oh, I'm gonna do great.
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Oh, gonna do great!
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Why don't I just ...
I'm gonna hold it.
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- Hey. What's up, milf?
- Shut up, toolbox.
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- Hey, Jackie.
- Bert: Hi, Meg!
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Kate asked me to take
bert to orchestra today.
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Oh!
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I ... you know, I would do
it myself, but my day is nuts.
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Crazy. It's cuckoo.
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I joined this organic
food co-op. It's so great.
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I mean, I got 30 zucchinis
for 6... bucks.
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- Wow.
- Yeah, I was like, "what?"
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They're like, "yeah."
I go, "what?"
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Can we ...
He all right, I'll see you on Monday.
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But in the meantime, just
take these with you, okay?
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1,000 hugs,
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2,000 noseys, 3,000 butterfly kisses.
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You know Monday's in three days, right?
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Yeah. Okay. Have fun.
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Hello? Hi, Ms. Steinberg?
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I'm Kate Harrison,
Warren's stepmother.
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- Oh.
- Lovely to meet you.
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Oh, my goodness, you're so young.
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- You could be a student here.
- Oh, so could you.
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A student of life, you know?
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We're all aging.
Great pin.
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Uh, thank you.
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I'm gonna just... I'm gonna sit.
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Yeah.
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Brought a notepad.
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Diane!
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Oh, I didn't think you were coming.
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Of course I was coming.
Warren's my son.
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- Hi, Greta.
- Dr. Buckley.
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- Where's Peter?
- Oh, he's working, so I'm here.
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Well, I had to postpone an
osteochondral autograft this afternoon,
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but you don't see me making
a federal case about it.
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Oh, well, actually,
it is a federal case, so...
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he's making about it...
what it is about.
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- Let's begin, shall we?
- Yes.
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So, saxophone, that's your thing?
I don't know.
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I like soccer, I like the
solar system, and I like Legos.
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I'm saving up my allowance to
buy Lego fire station. It's $106.
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- How much do you have?
- $8.
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Good luck with that.
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Are you taking me to a bar?
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I won't go in.
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Relax. I'll be out in two seconds.
I'm just gonna pick up my paycheck.
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I have to be there by 3:00!
If we're late, I don't get to solo!
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Kate?
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Kate, is that you?
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How did it go?
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- Jackie, what are you doing here?
- Um, just... a little hamster stuff.
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What do you mean, an "unusual passage"?
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Well, we've been
reading Greek mythology.
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Oh, yeah, Warren is really
into Poseidon, God of the Sea.
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Yes, Kate, everybody
knows who Poseidon is.
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Yes.
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Perhaps if you would
just read what he wrote.
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Okay.
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00:09:04,517 --> 00:09:08,008
"Poseidon left the sea, where he lived
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and came to the
island, where she lived.
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00:09:09,143 --> 00:09:13,318
Poseidon moved in to kiss her.
"I'm too old for you," she said,
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her breasts heaving
like milky grapefruits."
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Oh, my god.
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Sorry.
Please proceed.
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00:09:23,569 --> 00:09:26,505
"Age ain't nothing but a
number," declared Poseidon.
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00:09:26,572 --> 00:09:28,607
and then, with his agile tongue,
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he licked her ankle
tattoo until it glistened."
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00:09:31,711 --> 00:09:35,013
- Hmm?
- "He could wait no longer.
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His mighty trident
ripped through his ..."
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00:09:37,350 --> 00:09:38,784
Hello!
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00:09:38,851 --> 00:09:40,452
- That's enough.
- That's enough.
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00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,854
How could he have thought this
was appropriate to turn in?
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00:09:42,922 --> 00:09:44,723
I'm as shocked as you are, Diane.
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00:09:44,791 --> 00:09:48,326
We are both equally as shocked,
and I am dismayed.
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00:09:48,394 --> 00:09:49,494
Diane, are you dismayed?
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00:09:49,562 --> 00:09:53,265
- What is that on your ankle?
- What's what?
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00:09:53,332 --> 00:09:56,268
It's you ... your milky grapefruits.
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00:09:59,344 --> 00:10:02,012
Oh, come on, Diane.
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00:10:02,080 --> 00:10:04,509
Th-this story might not be about me.
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00:10:04,544 --> 00:10:07,740
And let's be honest. These
are not grapefruits, okay?
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00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:10,012
These are peaches, at most.
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00:10:10,047 --> 00:10:13,116
- No complaints. Not relevant.
- Okay, please, Kate, it's obvious
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00:10:13,151 --> 00:10:15,158
that you're the subject
of Warren's erotica.
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00:10:14,858 --> 00:10:17,059
When my children are at
your house, what do you wear?
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00:10:17,127 --> 00:10:18,661
- Nothing!
- Mm-hmm. - Mm.
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00:10:18,729 --> 00:10:20,596
No! I-I wear pajamas, of course.
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I mean, Warren is
a 15-year-old boy.
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00:10:23,600 --> 00:10:25,835
A strong gust of wind
could give him an erection.
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00:10:25,903 --> 00:10:28,304
I'm a Doctor, Kate.
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00:10:28,372 --> 00:10:31,541
I have forgotten more about
erections than you'll ever learn.
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00:10:31,608 --> 00:10:35,511
Okay. Why don't we discuss
how we'd like to... proceed?
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00:10:35,579 --> 00:10:38,014
I think it'd be best if you
let me handle it from here.
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00:10:40,350 --> 00:10:42,452
Of course.
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00:10:43,747 --> 00:10:47,790
It was lovely meeting
you, Ms. Steinberg.
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00:10:47,858 --> 00:10:50,159
- Sorry.
- Oh!
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00:10:50,227 --> 00:10:51,661
Uh, sorry, Diane.
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00:10:51,728 --> 00:10:53,463
Okay, just to review.
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00:10:53,530 --> 00:10:56,599
Instead of having a difficult
but honest discussion with Bert,
236
00:10:56,667 --> 00:10:58,301
you chose to break into my home,
237
00:10:58,368 --> 00:10:59,869
- kidnap my hamster...
- Uh-huh. Yeah.
238
00:10:59,937 --> 00:11:02,305
...replace it with your dead hamster,
and make me deal with it?
239
00:11:02,372 --> 00:11:04,340
Uh... yeah. Correct.
240
00:11:04,408 --> 00:11:06,075
And since, you know,
Jose and Meatball ...
241
00:11:06,143 --> 00:11:10,246
don't look ... are twins,
I just thought I'd just, you know...
242
00:11:11,748 --> 00:11:13,316
And I didn't break into your home.
243
00:11:13,383 --> 00:11:16,386
- Relax. I used the hide-a-key.
- We don't have a hide-a-key.
244
00:11:16,453 --> 00:11:18,321
- I do.
- You have a hide-a-key?
245
00:11:17,889 --> 00:11:19,689
Well, don't worry.
It's, like, hidden.
246
00:11:19,757 --> 00:11:21,591
- Give me Jose.
- No.
247
00:11:21,659 --> 00:11:22,792
- Give me the hamster.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
248
00:11:22,860 --> 00:11:24,194
- Oh, shoot! Oh, oh!
- Jose, come here.
249
00:11:24,262 --> 00:11:25,196
- Don't let him get away!
- No, no!
250
00:11:30,434 --> 00:11:34,104
Okay, well, we'll just ...
we'll put him back in the cage,
251
00:11:34,171 --> 00:11:37,107
- and you'll tell him that he just...
- Exploded?
252
00:11:37,775 --> 00:11:39,643
Oh. Good.
253
00:11:41,445 --> 00:11:44,748
- So, my stepson is a horndog.
- What's a horndog?
254
00:11:45,983 --> 00:11:50,187
It's a super-cute dog!
Hi, buddy.
255
00:11:50,254 --> 00:11:52,189
Why are you calling me from Meg's phone?
256
00:11:52,256 --> 00:11:55,058
She left me in the
car and went to a bar.
257
00:11:55,126 --> 00:11:56,693
Are you okay?
258
00:11:56,761 --> 00:11:59,496
Yeah, the window's open a
little, so I can breathe.
259
00:11:59,564 --> 00:12:01,698
Great. Good. Well,
you just make sure that
260
00:12:01,699 --> 00:12:03,833
Meg calls me as soon
as she gets back, okay?
261
00:12:03,901 --> 00:12:07,637
Um, okay, sure. Bye.
262
00:12:07,705 --> 00:12:09,206
Unbelievable!
263
00:12:09,273 --> 00:12:11,274
Ugh! This day!
264
00:12:13,311 --> 00:12:17,247
- Let me in.
- No. I'm late. Now I can't solo.
265
00:12:17,315 --> 00:12:19,449
Yes, you can.
You can solo alone.
266
00:12:19,517 --> 00:12:21,645
That's what solo means ... alone.
267
00:12:23,054 --> 00:12:25,168
I am a grown-up,
and as a grown-up,
268
00:12:25,203 --> 00:12:27,889
- I command you to open this door.
- You're not even a real grown-up.
269
00:12:27,924 --> 00:12:30,360
Your car is full of garbage and shoes.
270
00:12:30,428 --> 00:12:33,063
How about you buy me the fire station?
271
00:12:33,131 --> 00:12:34,564
Why don't you let me in the car,
272
00:12:34,632 --> 00:12:36,633
and we'll drive to
the toy store together?
273
00:12:37,969 --> 00:12:42,503
Do you think I was born yesterday?
I was born in 2006!
274
00:12:44,415 --> 00:12:46,247
I think you can walk.
275
00:12:46,282 --> 00:12:48,812
This is great.
Now I can get back to work.
276
00:12:48,880 --> 00:12:52,182
Oh, I can't believe we found
two identical spotted hamsters.
277
00:12:52,250 --> 00:12:54,853
All right, that'll be
$34.99 for the two of them.
278
00:12:54,888 --> 00:12:57,663
- Oh, we're paying separately.
- We're divorced.
279
00:12:57,698 --> 00:13:00,023
- Focus.
- Yeah, I mean, he does pay me alimony.
280
00:13:00,091 --> 00:13:02,938
- Focus.
- Yeah. Okay. Oh. Uh, sorry.
281
00:13:02,973 --> 00:13:04,847
Hamsters. Um...
282
00:13:05,029 --> 00:13:06,959
Just have so much stuff in here.
283
00:13:06,994 --> 00:13:09,415
- What is that?
- This? It's a phone.
284
00:13:09,450 --> 00:13:13,347
- In the bag.
- Oh. Oh. This is nothing.
285
00:13:13,382 --> 00:13:17,277
You should see the one he killed.
286
00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:18,489
Get out!
287
00:13:18,524 --> 00:13:20,293
- Come on.
- Out!
288
00:13:22,519 --> 00:13:24,114
What a hell...
289
00:13:26,450 --> 00:13:27,817
Hillary!
290
00:13:31,255 --> 00:13:32,822
What are you doing here, subbing?
291
00:13:32,890 --> 00:13:34,257
That better not be what I think it is.
292
00:13:34,325 --> 00:13:35,992
I'm allowed to drink water.
293
00:13:36,060 --> 00:13:38,728
That was a story, Hil, not a
helpful hint. Now give me the bottle.
294
00:13:38,796 --> 00:13:41,798
- No.
- Hillary! Let's go!
295
00:13:41,866 --> 00:13:44,834
Give me the bottle or
I'm telling your mother.
296
00:13:44,902 --> 00:13:47,604
Please don't let my mom find out.
You know how she is.
297
00:13:47,672 --> 00:13:50,006
When I cut gym, she
made me train for a 10k.
298
00:13:50,074 --> 00:13:52,845
Fine, but me and your dad are
gonna ground the crap out of you.
299
00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:57,247
- "Your dad and I."
- Hillary, let's go.
300
00:13:57,315 --> 00:14:01,184
- Kate, have Peter call me this evening.
- Of course.
301
00:14:01,252 --> 00:14:03,186
You know what?
I'm thirsty. I need a soda.
302
00:14:03,254 --> 00:14:05,465
You're not having soda.
Soda is for summer.
303
00:14:05,500 --> 00:14:07,435
Kate, give him your water.
304
00:14:09,469 --> 00:14:14,598
- Kate, the water bottle.
- It's warm.
305
00:14:14,665 --> 00:14:18,430
- What difference does that make?
- No!
306
00:14:18,465 --> 00:14:21,838
I'm really thirsty, too.
307
00:14:46,162 --> 00:14:47,797
That hit the spot.
308
00:14:47,865 --> 00:14:52,435
Charming.
Come on, sweetie. Hil?
309
00:15:01,298 --> 00:15:04,066
I don't understand how a person
can just lose their car keys.
310
00:15:04,133 --> 00:15:09,004
- Warren!
- Warren, behave yourself.
311
00:15:08,172 --> 00:15:10,455
- I didn't do anything!
- Kate!
312
00:15:10,774 --> 00:15:12,008
Do you want some mints?
313
00:15:15,045 --> 00:15:17,046
Thank you, stepdaughter.
314
00:15:17,114 --> 00:15:19,482
- Kate, can I have one of those?
- No.
315
00:15:27,324 --> 00:15:29,058
This is the fourth store we've been to.
316
00:15:29,126 --> 00:15:30,827
No twins. We're screwed.
317
00:15:30,895 --> 00:15:32,762
So like my Pete.
318
00:15:32,830 --> 00:15:37,567
- Oh, so focused on the negative.
- Jackie, it's over. It's over.
319
00:15:39,403 --> 00:15:42,705
- Well, what are you gonna tell Bert?
- We are gonna tell him the truth.
320
00:15:42,773 --> 00:15:44,507
No matter how painful,
no matter how difficult,
321
00:15:44,575 --> 00:15:47,143
- we tell him the truth.
- It's no big deal.
322
00:15:47,211 --> 00:15:49,512
Just tell him the truth,
no matter how many tears...
323
00:15:49,580 --> 00:15:50,980
- Don't ... don't.
- ...go down his little...
324
00:15:51,048 --> 00:15:53,356
- If you cry, he cries.
- teddy-bear cheeks.
325
00:15:54,523 --> 00:15:57,520
Ah, thanks for the ride, Dr. Pepper.
326
00:15:57,588 --> 00:15:59,422
Oh. No, no, no, no, no.
327
00:15:59,490 --> 00:16:01,157
I'll be going inside
328
00:16:01,225 --> 00:16:03,593
to discuss today's events with... Peter!
329
00:16:03,661 --> 00:16:08,431
Oh, don't. I'll go inside and discuss
the day's events with... Peter!
330
00:16:08,466 --> 00:16:10,567
Kate, Meg got me a present!
331
00:16:10,634 --> 00:16:12,368
- That's great!
- Oh.
332
00:16:12,436 --> 00:16:13,536
- Hi!
- Hey. Finally.
333
00:16:13,604 --> 00:16:15,405
What the hell?
You left him in the car?
334
00:16:15,472 --> 00:16:18,002
And then he took me for
$100.-He's no victim.
335
00:16:18,037 --> 00:16:19,375
Bert: I got a fire station.
336
00:16:19,443 --> 00:16:20,877
Peter, there's something I'd
like to talk to you about.
337
00:16:20,945 --> 00:16:22,512
Can everybody please just go home?
338
00:16:22,580 --> 00:16:24,981
Mmm!
339
00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,450
Oh! Diane, you are an oak.
340
00:16:27,518 --> 00:16:29,052
- Awesome. Just a second.
- Uh...
341
00:16:29,119 --> 00:16:31,254
- Baby.
- One second.
342
00:16:31,322 --> 00:16:33,590
Uh, we need to give Bert his...
343
00:16:33,657 --> 00:16:35,892
- Brand-new what?
- ...brand-new...
344
00:16:35,960 --> 00:16:37,927
- Puppy!
- puppy!
345
00:16:37,995 --> 00:16:40,530
Oh, my god! I got a horndog!
346
00:16:40,598 --> 00:16:41,998
- Yes.
- It's a rescue.
347
00:16:42,066 --> 00:16:43,299
They were gonna euthanize it, you guys.
348
00:16:43,367 --> 00:16:45,301
- Hey.
- What's euthanize?
349
00:16:48,786 --> 00:16:51,861
Ok! Neighbors are filming.
In the house.
350
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:55,298
- Dad! Horndog needs water! He's dying!
- Yeah?
351
00:16:55,366 --> 00:16:56,666
Water? I got it. I got it. I got it.
352
00:16:58,269 --> 00:17:01,037
Peter, I need to speak to
you about Warren in private.
353
00:17:01,105 --> 00:17:04,641
- There are no secrets in this family.
- I have a secret, too, actually,
354
00:17:04,708 --> 00:17:06,976
and I think we should
go in order of wives.
355
00:17:07,044 --> 00:17:08,745
- Me first.
- Okay. Uh, Kate?
356
00:17:08,812 --> 00:17:13,583
Yeah, Peter... our son wrote
an erotic story about your new...
357
00:17:13,651 --> 00:17:17,153
- You kidding? Erotic... ?
- Oh, I know you're talking about me.
358
00:17:17,221 --> 00:17:19,923
Oh, my god, these
flavors are outrageous.
359
00:17:19,990 --> 00:17:21,124
Hey, can I have Bert's fire station?
360
00:17:21,191 --> 00:17:23,893
- Is that poo?
- Poo? Poo!
361
00:17:23,961 --> 00:17:25,495
- Ew!
- I'm sorry. I got it. I got it. I got it.
362
00:17:25,563 --> 00:17:27,397
- Hello? Hillary?
- Did he poo?
363
00:17:27,464 --> 00:17:29,365
- What?
- Look. It's another person.
364
00:17:29,433 --> 00:17:31,734
- Peter: Want to clean it up?
- What is this, guys, thanksgiving?
365
00:17:31,802 --> 00:17:33,870
- Whoa, whoa. Chelsea.
- Hey. Hi.
366
00:17:33,937 --> 00:17:38,107
Uh, fancy meeting you here.
Yeah, uh, are you...
367
00:17:38,175 --> 00:17:41,911
- ...excited for daylight savings?
- Um... sure?
368
00:17:41,979 --> 00:17:43,313
- Ex-extra hour
of sleep.- Yeah.
369
00:17:43,380 --> 00:17:45,215
"Milky grapefruits."
370
00:17:45,282 --> 00:17:47,183
Good. Good. Cool.
371
00:17:47,251 --> 00:17:50,887
Oh, my god!
Oh! Look!
372
00:17:50,955 --> 00:17:53,823
Look! Look, Diane!
Look what I found!
373
00:17:53,891 --> 00:17:56,793
- Am I in trouble or something?
- Shh. Shut up.
374
00:17:58,395 --> 00:18:01,631
Diane, all day long,
375
00:18:01,699 --> 00:18:04,767
you have patronized me and
made me feel like a criminal.
376
00:18:04,835 --> 00:18:07,337
And as it turns out, you were wrong.
377
00:18:07,404 --> 00:18:09,505
It wasn't me.
378
00:18:09,573 --> 00:18:13,309
I think that I demand an apology.
379
00:18:13,377 --> 00:18:15,044
- Peter: Oh.
- Oh, my gosh.
380
00:18:15,112 --> 00:18:16,613
Hold this. Dog poo.
381
00:18:16,680 --> 00:18:18,381
- Is your nanny drunk?
- Awesome.
382
00:18:18,449 --> 00:18:20,917
I am not the nanny.
I am one of the wives.
383
00:18:20,985 --> 00:18:22,318
She is not drunk.
You're not drunk?
384
00:18:22,386 --> 00:18:24,387
- She's drunk.
- Are you drunk a little bit?
385
00:18:24,455 --> 00:18:26,789
Okay, that does it. I am
suing for full custody.
386
00:18:26,857 --> 00:18:29,225
Diane, you promised
to be less litigious.
387
00:18:29,293 --> 00:18:32,529
You know what, you promised to
grow up and not marry a child-bride.
388
00:18:32,596 --> 00:18:34,464
- That's really inappropriate.
- I am not a child-bride.
389
00:18:34,465 --> 00:18:36,766
- That's not ...
- Hillary: Okay, stop!
390
00:18:36,834 --> 00:18:38,968
It's my fault.
391
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,771
I was trying to sneak
Vodka in my water bottle,
392
00:18:41,839 --> 00:18:43,573
and Kate caught me and took it away.
393
00:18:43,641 --> 00:18:45,859
I didn't want you to find out
because I know you would
394
00:18:45,860 --> 00:18:48,878
send me to, like, rehab,
and I don't even drink.
395
00:18:48,946 --> 00:18:50,779
Yeah, I don't ...
I don't drink, either.
396
00:18:51,749 --> 00:18:53,316
Kate drank that Vodka to protect me.
397
00:18:53,384 --> 00:18:56,753
- Oh.
- I'm sorry, Kate.
398
00:18:56,820 --> 00:18:58,922
I shouldn't have put you through this.
399
00:19:01,125 --> 00:19:04,360
- Come here, stepdaughter.
- Jackie: Aww!
400
00:19:04,428 --> 00:19:06,629
- Oh. Okay. Ugh.
- I knew you loved me.
401
00:19:06,697 --> 00:19:08,865
Maybe you do need rehab.
402
00:19:08,933 --> 00:19:11,234
Oh, go to promises.
You will meet a celebrity.
403
00:19:11,302 --> 00:19:14,604
No one is going to rehab. Hillary,
you're not going to the concert.
404
00:19:14,672 --> 00:19:15,601
- Your mother and I are...
- What?!
405
00:19:15,647 --> 00:19:16,873
- gonna discuss a punishment.
- Please.
406
00:19:16,941 --> 00:19:19,727
Wait. The concert's in an hour.
Who am I supposed to go with?
407
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:23,980
I'll go with you!
408
00:19:25,683 --> 00:19:28,518
Chelsea: Um...
Okay?
409
00:19:28,586 --> 00:19:31,688
- Wait. Really?
- Yeah. Okay.
410
00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:33,756
- Yes!
- Whoo!
411
00:19:33,824 --> 00:19:35,792
- Hey, buddy, buddy. Leave the trident.
- Jackie: Yeah, he's going.
412
00:19:38,262 --> 00:19:39,729
Hey.
413
00:19:41,098 --> 00:19:46,269
- How are you feeling?
- Ohh.
414
00:19:46,337 --> 00:19:49,772
Well, maybe this will
make you feel better.
415
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:54,777
- You puked, didn't you?
- Yeah. Twice.
416
00:19:54,845 --> 00:19:58,882
Yeah, you got kind of
a Bologna-Martini thing going on.
417
00:20:00,484 --> 00:20:01,784
If someone had told me a year ago
418
00:20:01,852 --> 00:20:04,787
that I'd be married with
three stepkids right now,
419
00:20:04,855 --> 00:20:07,290
I would have laughed in their face.
420
00:20:07,358 --> 00:20:11,160
- I have no idea what I'm doing.
- I have no idea what I'm doing.
421
00:20:11,228 --> 00:20:14,197
I bought Bert a puppy
today because I killed Jose.
422
00:20:14,265 --> 00:20:18,535
- The gardener?
- The... hamster.
423
00:20:18,602 --> 00:20:22,505
Dad, Jose's not in his cage!
Can you help me look for him?
424
00:20:24,942 --> 00:20:28,278
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure
he's around here somewhere!
425
00:20:28,345 --> 00:20:31,814
- Oh, you are going to hell.
- Yes, I am.
426
00:20:33,284 --> 00:20:34,584
Did you lose your hamster?
427
00:20:34,652 --> 00:20:38,121
Jose, where are you?
428
00:20:38,189 --> 00:20:41,624
- I'll get a flashlight!
- Hillary: Dad, where is my cellphone?
429
00:20:41,692 --> 00:20:44,127
So, I'm still figuring things out.
430
00:20:44,195 --> 00:20:47,397
But tomorrow, I'm gonna get
up and jump in all over again.
431
00:20:47,465 --> 00:20:50,424
- I just hope I don't throw up.
- Jose!
432
00:20:55,136 --> 00:20:59,373
- How long you been here?
- 22 minutes.
433
00:20:59,641 --> 00:21:02,410
And was it worth buying
50 hide-a-keys for this?
434
00:21:02,478 --> 00:21:04,078
Oh, absolutely.
435
00:21:04,146 --> 00:21:06,147
This feels different.
It feels different.
436
00:21:06,215 --> 00:21:08,316
Yes!
No. Damn it.
437
00:21:08,384 --> 00:21:10,151
Wait. Is this the right house?
438
00:21:10,219 --> 00:21:12,053
I'm gonna sense it.
439
00:21:14,390 --> 00:21:16,424
Yeah, it's the right house.
440
00:21:16,492 --> 00:21:19,427
Oh, here you are.
441
00:21:22,331 --> 00:21:24,022
- The door isn't even locked.
- I know.
442
00:21:24,052 --> 00:21:25,200
It's just a key in a rock.
443
00:21:25,267 --> 00:21:27,001
Oh, yes, you! Yes!