1 00:00:06,080 --> 00:00:07,958 [cell door slams] 2 00:00:08,800 --> 00:00:10,120 [theme song playing] 3 00:00:57,200 --> 00:00:58,919 [cell door slams] 4 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,871 [cell door slams] 5 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:20,680 [doorbell rings] 6 00:01:21,880 --> 00:01:22,839 [Ginger] Ugh. 7 00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:25,799 Hey, guys. I thought you were flaming shitbag number four. 8 00:01:25,880 --> 00:01:29,510 Ugh. Gosh. Slam it, Luschek! Your entire driveway is covered. 9 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:30,696 - Oh, this is my nightmare. - Ugh. 10 00:01:30,720 --> 00:01:33,952 The neighborhood kids started Mischief Night a day early. 11 00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:38,273 I'm a target 'cause I like to crush their skate ramps with my car. [chuckles] 12 00:01:38,360 --> 00:01:41,000 - Whoa. - Come on in. Uh, take your shoes off. 13 00:01:42,320 --> 00:01:43,913 [children shouting indistinctly] 14 00:01:48,080 --> 00:01:52,233 Hey, I know alcohol is a gateway drug, so I got you a Coke. 15 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,437 Caffeine is also a gateway drug. 16 00:01:57,600 --> 00:01:59,239 Trust me, you're gonna need it. 17 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,277 Alvarez has a way of putting people to sleep. 18 00:02:01,360 --> 00:02:03,829 Everyone, your attention please. Before we begin the draft, 19 00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,276 I'd like to go over some standard operating procedures 20 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,797 as well as some adjustments to the scoring paradigms since last season. 21 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:13,396 Please refer to page six in the packet of your folders. 22 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:15,119 Oh, I forgot my folder. 23 00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,554 We can share, honey. 24 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,911 As always, all point-earning events 25 00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:23,118 must be witnessed by a third-party CO in order to be counted. 26 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,637 All mid-season trades must be approved by me, your commissioner. 27 00:02:26,720 --> 00:02:29,997 Also, we have a zero tolerance policy for interference, 28 00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,276 which includes influencing, coercing, 29 00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:35,034 or manipulating inmate behavior in order to earn points. 30 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:36,918 Al, we're all honest here. 31 00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:40,232 As far as scoring changes, in the sexual category, 32 00:02:40,320 --> 00:02:43,233 scissoring has been bumped to 11 points because it's not a thing. 33 00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:47,951 Oral and digital sex have been bumped to five points each, giving or receiving. 34 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:49,679 Digital? Like cyber? 35 00:02:49,760 --> 00:02:51,560 - I think he means fingerbanging. - [chuckles] 36 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:53,356 What about hand-holding? 37 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,936 - Arguably the most intimate act there is. - Uh, maybe next year. 38 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,795 In the emotional category, bulimics are one point per vomit. 39 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,157 Suicide has been pushed to twenty, failed attempt, ten. 40 00:03:03,240 --> 00:03:04,760 And finally, in the physical category, 41 00:03:04,840 --> 00:03:07,639 gang altercations, now ten points per inmate. 42 00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:12,272 Murder has been bumped to 30 points, murdered to 25. 43 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:16,070 Escaped inmate is now forty points, but a recapture remains at five. 44 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:19,517 Pregnancy is nine with twins as a multiplier, obviously. 45 00:03:19,600 --> 00:03:23,196 Now, in the back of your folder, you will find a list of inmate names 46 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,317 as well as a roster board for the draft. 47 00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,040 These pencils are expensive, 48 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,316 so please return them at the end of the evening. 49 00:03:30,400 --> 00:03:33,472 Or we could use FanDraft. 50 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,394 - What's FanDraft? - [music playing on TV] 51 00:03:39,120 --> 00:03:43,194 Yeah. I hacked the software so I could input the inmate data. 52 00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:45,715 Pretty amazing what you can accomplish in a flow state. 53 00:03:45,800 --> 00:03:46,856 - Fuck me! - That's awesome. 54 00:03:46,880 --> 00:03:48,758 I think we found ourselves a new commissioner. 55 00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:50,354 - [laughs] - All in favor? 56 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:51,440 Yeah. 57 00:03:51,520 --> 00:03:54,433 All he did was input the data from the folder that I made. 58 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:56,989 Yeah, but it's futuristic now. And there's music. 59 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,037 Why don't you have a seat, Al? 60 00:04:01,480 --> 00:04:05,838 Sorry, Al. You had a good run, but I'm a visual learner. 61 00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:08,238 You should try some of this chili cheese dip. 62 00:04:08,320 --> 00:04:09,720 It's got a real kick. 63 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:19,478 [Lorna] ♪ And if that diamond ring turns brass ♪ 64 00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:23,236 ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass ♪ 65 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:26,552 ♪ And if that looking glass gets broke ♪ 66 00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:30,520 ♪ Mama's gonna buy you a nice fur coat And if that... ♪ 67 00:04:30,600 --> 00:04:34,230 It's "billy goat" not "fur coat." [grunts] 68 00:04:34,320 --> 00:04:38,519 Uh, no, I don't think so. What would a baby do with a billy goat? 69 00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,752 They actually make great pets. Their screams sound like human screams. 70 00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:43,069 It's very hilarious. 71 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,720 I can tell you that my baby is gonna have fur. 72 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:49,476 Vinnie, my husband, he's already got him a little mini mink. [chuckles] 73 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,114 His cousin is an importer. 74 00:04:51,200 --> 00:04:53,874 When my Andrea was pregnant the first time, 75 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:56,520 - ooh, she had terrible insomnia, too. - Mmm. 76 00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,911 She had five babies inside her. Kept her up all night. 77 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:01,992 Probably why she ate two of them. 78 00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:05,714 Did you just say she ate them? 79 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:08,315 Only two. At first I thought they ran away, 80 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,278 - but then I found pieces. - [toilet flushes] 81 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,080 Foot here, ear there. I get it. 82 00:05:13,160 --> 00:05:17,279 Being a mother is thankless work. Want to meet her? 83 00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:21,238 Normally I wouldn't, but she's pregnant again. 84 00:05:21,320 --> 00:05:23,596 Maybe you can support each other. 85 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,149 - There you are. - [squealing] 86 00:05:26,240 --> 00:05:28,357 Oh, my God. That is disgusting. 87 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,159 Oh. Why? It's just life. 88 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:31,376 If you're going to have a baby, 89 00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:34,393 you better get used to seeing much worse than this. Trust me. 90 00:05:34,520 --> 00:05:38,912 The one with the white ear is Andrea. And those are her kids cuddling with her. 91 00:05:39,000 --> 00:05:41,959 I call them the Leftovers. [chuckles] 92 00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,794 - This is a food joke. Mmm. - Ah. 93 00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:50,478 I guess they are kind of cute in a disgusting way. 94 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:52,597 Go on. They don't bite. 95 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:57,277 Actually that's a lie. They do bite. Really freaking hard. 96 00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,079 Hi! 97 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,921 [Linda] And senior vice president certainly comes with its challenges. 98 00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,196 The press on this thing's been a nightmare. 99 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:06,511 Not to mention getting everyone to cooperate. 100 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:08,709 Oh. 101 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:13,799 Luckily, I do have experience from my past in rescuing an image. 102 00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:15,712 Our sorority almost lost its charter. 103 00:06:15,800 --> 00:06:17,519 I bet. Love the wig, by the way. 104 00:06:17,600 --> 00:06:20,115 Oh, thank you. Real human hair, courtesy of MCC. 105 00:06:20,200 --> 00:06:21,395 I'd let you touch it, 106 00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:24,040 but with all the lice in the prisons, you can't be too careful. 107 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,120 [Fig] Uh-huh. 108 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:29,360 I'm not normally a merlot girl, but this Napa Valley is gorgeous. 109 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:30,516 Sure you don't want some? 110 00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:33,354 Was there something specific you wanted to talk about? 111 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:37,070 Or did you call me in after hours for a wine tasting? 112 00:06:38,840 --> 00:06:42,516 Uh, look, Natalie, I called you here 113 00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,240 because I wanted to get started on the right foot. 114 00:06:45,320 --> 00:06:46,800 I don't wanna be one of those bosses 115 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:48,394 who's cruel and condescending 116 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:50,358 - to her female subordinates. - Mmm. 117 00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:53,672 I would like to foster a positive working relationship with MCC, 118 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:55,592 not the contentious one 119 00:06:55,680 --> 00:06:58,036 that your predecessor, Joe Caputo, was so committed to. 120 00:06:58,120 --> 00:06:59,270 Well, I'm not Joe. 121 00:06:59,360 --> 00:07:01,670 We approach things very differently, he and I. 122 00:07:01,760 --> 00:07:04,559 Good, 'cause that man was a massive liability. [scoffs] 123 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:07,280 His incompetence led to a prison riot, for God's sake. 124 00:07:07,360 --> 00:07:09,920 Not to mention his ethics, or lack of, I should say. 125 00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,356 He conspired to keep me in the prison for days 126 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,114 even though he knew an extra inmate was in the final count. 127 00:07:16,120 --> 00:07:21,275 Actually, the final count was one short until we found escaped inmate Chang, 128 00:07:21,360 --> 00:07:23,431 sleeping inside a hollowed-out deer carcass. 129 00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,034 Joe must have fudged the numbers, 130 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,557 because how else did I wind up in Ohio with a crotch full of pubic lice? 131 00:07:28,640 --> 00:07:29,869 - Oh, JJesus. - [scoffs] 132 00:07:29,960 --> 00:07:31,440 Yeah. Despicable, right? 133 00:07:31,520 --> 00:07:34,115 Joe is an asshole. I fucked him, too, several times. 134 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,795 Terrible person. But he didn't fudge the numbers. 135 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:39,031 The final count was even, 136 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,589 which means we have even bigger problems here. 137 00:07:41,680 --> 00:07:45,640 So, you two... That son of a bitch. 138 00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:48,792 If you replaced an inmate in the final count, 139 00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:51,600 then the inmate that you replaced was never counted. 140 00:07:51,680 --> 00:07:54,832 Let us recall the oh-so-tempting giant hole 141 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,149 in the prison's fence. 142 00:07:56,240 --> 00:07:58,471 Then I need to call a manhunt. 143 00:07:58,560 --> 00:07:59,789 Actually, that's my job, 144 00:07:59,880 --> 00:08:03,191 but it looks like your PR nightmare is just getting started. 145 00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:09,279 Oh, and sorry about the lice, by the way. 146 00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:12,355 Joe always did like a full bush. 147 00:08:14,880 --> 00:08:17,031 Ooh! [cheers] 148 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:18,918 Someone owes us another round. 149 00:08:19,000 --> 00:08:20,798 I spent all my money on loaded funnel cake. 150 00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:22,872 Come on. A bet's a bet, bro. 151 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,792 All right. Three more, please. 152 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,760 [man] Man, I'd let those two handle my balls. 153 00:08:29,840 --> 00:08:33,231 - Don't you only got the one? - It's a figure of speech. 154 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:38,593 Yeah. I would love to put my penis inside in her vagina. [chuckles] 155 00:08:39,960 --> 00:08:41,758 Or butt. 156 00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,674 Yeah, butts are the new vaginas, if you ask me. 157 00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:47,195 Damn right. I second that. 158 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,273 Wait. Isn't your wife's butt off-limits since the surgery? 159 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,556 - [anchor] Tonight on King9 news... - Will you shut up? 160 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,871 ...a statewide manhunt is underway for a missing inmate 161 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:57,919 who escaped from the Litchfield women's prison 162 00:08:58,000 --> 00:08:59,480 during the recent unrest. 163 00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:02,399 The suspect is said to have been serving a nine-year sentence 164 00:09:02,520 --> 00:09:04,216 for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. 165 00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:07,312 State police are urging people to call in with any information 166 00:09:07,440 --> 00:09:09,830 they may have regarding this person's whereabouts, 167 00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:12,389 and King9 News would like to remind our viewers, 168 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,598 please, if you do see this potentially violent individual, 169 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,433 do not take the law into your own hands. 170 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,520 Fuckable. 171 00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:21,519 Also in the hour, getting toilet paper out of your trees the smart way... 172 00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,830 Let's head back. 173 00:09:22,920 --> 00:09:27,073 What? Why? It sounds like they're just figuring this out now. 174 00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:29,136 That means we got at least a couple of weeks on 'em. 175 00:09:29,160 --> 00:09:30,960 That's plenty of time to get across to Canada. 176 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:33,595 Look, I've tried to run before. But they'll catch us. 177 00:09:34,480 --> 00:09:37,393 Unless you kill yourself. Then you can die free. 178 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,350 Sorry. 179 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,911 So, what? You're just gonna turn yourself in? 180 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,560 After I busted my ass gettin' you all the way out here? 181 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:47,976 I'm not trying to seem ungrateful. 182 00:09:48,000 --> 00:09:51,357 I'm just like... My face is all over the TV screens. 183 00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:53,557 I need to go back. I need to finish out my sentence 184 00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:55,791 if I ever wanna live a normal life. 185 00:09:55,880 --> 00:09:57,678 [stutters] I'm cooped up in here. 186 00:09:57,760 --> 00:09:59,433 - No. Where are you going, huh? - Ow! 187 00:09:59,520 --> 00:10:02,115 - Stop! Just... Someone will see you. - What? 188 00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:03,119 You stay here! 189 00:10:03,120 --> 00:10:06,192 You're hurting me. Stop. Please. 190 00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,717 - I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry. - [Pennsatucky grunts] 191 00:10:11,520 --> 00:10:14,160 I shouldn't have grabbed you. I'm sorry. 192 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,269 You said you wanted to have a normal life, right? 193 00:10:17,360 --> 00:10:20,398 And you can have that. With me. In Canada. 194 00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:22,790 Health care is free! And I can support us. 195 00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:25,395 I can do everything. You won't even have to leave the house. 196 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:28,433 - That sounds like prison again. - That's not what I meant. 197 00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:29,520 What if we get caught? 198 00:10:29,560 --> 00:10:33,554 Are you willing to put everything aside and go to prison? 199 00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:37,475 If it means I got a shot with you, then fuck it. I don't care. Okay? 200 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:40,231 It's less than 100 miles to the border. 201 00:10:40,320 --> 00:10:42,596 We can hike right past it through Wood Falls. 202 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:46,754 There is an old campsite I used to go to as a kid up there. It's beautiful. 203 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:50,436 Didn't you say you always wanted us to go camping together? Yeah? 204 00:10:50,520 --> 00:10:51,520 You have a tent? 205 00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:53,713 Maybe. I can check in the trunk. 206 00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:57,072 There ain't a tent in that trunk, or I would have felt it. 207 00:10:57,160 --> 00:10:59,231 I'm just gonna check. I'll be right back. 208 00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:04,235 [clears throat] 209 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,280 [sighs] 210 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:11,029 We can ditch him right now. 211 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:15,680 No. I can't do that. I'm not gonna leave him high and dry. 212 00:11:15,760 --> 00:11:18,400 I get it. I've seen Sleeping with the Enemy. 213 00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:21,359 Some ladies like a man that bosses them around. 214 00:11:21,440 --> 00:11:24,478 Hell, sometimes the only way I can get off is with a foot on my face. 215 00:11:24,560 --> 00:11:26,392 It's not even like that, okay? 216 00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,392 Whatever floats your boner boat. [chuckles] 217 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:29,880 [cell phone vibrates] 218 00:11:30,720 --> 00:11:32,996 [grunts] Oh, that's my Uber. 219 00:11:34,880 --> 00:11:37,349 You leavin'? Wait. 220 00:11:49,840 --> 00:11:51,194 [Dixon sighs] 221 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,240 [sighs] Fuck. 222 00:12:04,400 --> 00:12:07,677 There's no tent. I'll make a lean-to. 223 00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:10,320 Where'd he go? 224 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:19,115 I guess caffeine really is a gateway drug. Okay, Blake, your go. 225 00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:22,716 [laughs] Okay. [coughs] Um... uh... 226 00:12:22,800 --> 00:12:25,235 Carol Denning. [chuckles] 227 00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,994 Oh, rookie mistake. The two queenpin sisters, 228 00:12:28,080 --> 00:12:31,232 they keep their noses cleaner than a porn star's asshole. 229 00:12:31,320 --> 00:12:34,233 Plus C and D-Block, they haven't had a real bout in years. 230 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:35,616 [Ginger] It's only a matter of time. 231 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,597 This prison's wealth gap is not sustainable. 232 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,751 Somebody listened to a podcast. 233 00:12:39,840 --> 00:12:42,992 Okay, Blake. You pick again. We're snakin'. 234 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:44,560 Uh... 235 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:46,869 Barbara Denning. 236 00:12:46,960 --> 00:12:48,917 - [chuckling] - Give me that. 237 00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:54,151 - Dayanara Diaz. - Ooh, the guard killer. 238 00:12:54,720 --> 00:12:57,792 I got a thing for her mom. Plus, night crying is three points. 239 00:12:57,920 --> 00:12:59,673 Two points, actually. 240 00:12:59,760 --> 00:13:01,911 But I'm not the commissioner anymore, so... 241 00:13:02,000 --> 00:13:05,311 Aw! Moving right along. Virginia? 242 00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,150 Piper Chapman. 243 00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:08,390 [grunts] 244 00:13:08,480 --> 00:13:10,836 Seriously? What do you want with Piper Chapman? 245 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,480 That's none of your motherfracking business. 246 00:13:13,560 --> 00:13:15,791 Wow, Ging, that's pretty close to cursing. 247 00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:17,816 We don't want another incident like last year, do we? 248 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,957 I know. I let the poop hit the fan last year. 249 00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,555 Okay. Stefanovic? 250 00:13:22,640 --> 00:13:24,074 I'll take Nicky Nichols. 251 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:25,913 Fuck! Mother... Shit! 252 00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:27,798 Nice. I hear she's a real pussy slayer. 253 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,030 - Fuck! - Solid pick. 254 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:35,312 You guys, what if Joseph Smith made it all up? 255 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,871 McCullough, your turn. [clears throat] 256 00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:48,720 Maria Ruiz. 257 00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:58,240 Oh, fucking mess. Mischief Night isn't supposed to be until tomorrow. 258 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,154 What the hell is Mischief Night, anyway? 259 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:06,150 Where I come from, we celebrate Halloween and Halloween only, like Americans. 260 00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:09,034 [grunts] Yeah, well, it's an East Coast thing. 261 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:11,197 But people take this shit serious. 262 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,431 Something crazy always goes down. 263 00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,637 Last year a bunch of girls got Bloody Maryed. 264 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,074 What's that? 265 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,715 When you rub a used pad on someone's face while she's sleeping. 266 00:14:19,800 --> 00:14:23,157 Next morning, ladies were going nuts thinkin' they were marked by the Devil. 267 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:25,311 Or 'cause someone rubbed period blood on their face. 268 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,471 But either way, lots of shrieking. 269 00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:31,349 I don't believe in any of that ghost shit. Except the Holy Ghost. 270 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:33,830 And God and Jesus. And the Virgin Mary. 271 00:14:33,920 --> 00:14:34,920 [Vazquez] They're here, you know. 272 00:14:34,921 --> 00:14:38,072 My girl Rita said she saw the whole posse one night in the guard bathroom. 273 00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:41,109 - She had a vision. - [scoffs and chuckles] 274 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,919 Did I say somethin' funny, cookie? 275 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:46,710 Ain't nothing scary about ghosts. It's people you gotta look out for. 276 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:52,797 [scoffs] You should be lookin' out. I hear bitches are comin' for you. 277 00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:57,474 Let's go clean the breakroom. I don't like this one's mopey face. 278 00:14:57,560 --> 00:15:00,120 Mopey's nothin'. Wait till somebody smashes it in. 279 00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,760 That's when it's gonna be hard to look at. 280 00:15:12,320 --> 00:15:13,320 [sighs] 281 00:15:31,760 --> 00:15:33,672 I can't believe I'm awake right now. 282 00:15:33,760 --> 00:15:39,358 Yeah, I just drank two 5-hour Energy's so I should be good for, like, ten hours. 283 00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,831 Inmate Nichols, time for work. 284 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:48,672 Hey, come on. Hey, what could possibly need cleaning at this ungodly hour? 285 00:15:48,800 --> 00:15:49,870 Nicky! [chuckles] 286 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,430 Hey, neighbor. 287 00:15:55,880 --> 00:15:58,190 I think I saw a tit grab. That's a point. 288 00:15:58,280 --> 00:16:00,237 Break it up. Break it up! 289 00:16:01,120 --> 00:16:02,839 I'm so glad you're okay. 290 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,435 "Okay" is definitely on the list of things I am not, 291 00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:08,354 but I am happy to see your psychotic cherub face. 292 00:16:08,440 --> 00:16:12,719 All right. Mops, buckets, frowns. Let's go. 293 00:16:12,800 --> 00:16:15,235 So, what happened? Did they give you more time? 294 00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,676 They tried, but I was able to weasel my way out. 295 00:16:17,760 --> 00:16:20,229 All it took was reconnecting with my broken condom of a father 296 00:16:20,320 --> 00:16:24,234 and then condemning the first human being who truly cared about me. 297 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,437 So, went well. 298 00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,558 You mean Red. Why? [stammers] What's gonna happen to her? 299 00:16:29,640 --> 00:16:32,712 [stammers] I don't know. They want her to burn for the riot, 300 00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:37,192 and I just handed them the torch to save my own ass. 301 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:42,276 Well, if it makes you feel any better, all of us who surrendered, 302 00:16:42,360 --> 00:16:47,640 we didn't get any extra time, right? So thanks to you... 303 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:51,350 I surrendered. It kinda evens out when you think about it. 304 00:16:51,440 --> 00:16:55,480 I'm not sure it exactly works that way, but I appreciate the effort. 305 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,791 No, Nicky, you can't blame yourself. 306 00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:01,078 It's every man for themselves. See, I joined a gang. 307 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:03,880 We're called D-Block, and we hate C-Block 308 00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:06,356 because they got the good job and feather pillows, 309 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:08,750 and because of what happened last Valentine's Day, 310 00:17:08,880 --> 00:17:10,400 no one's allowed to celebrate anymore. 311 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,040 I am familiar with the arbitrary, pod-based gang warfare 312 00:17:13,120 --> 00:17:14,839 from my last staycation down here. 313 00:17:14,920 --> 00:17:18,675 I cannot say that it ends well for those involved. 314 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:21,912 Probably not the best idea for that fetus growing inside of you. 315 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:25,710 Oh, trust me, the gang thing is the easiest part of this pregnancy. 316 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:30,875 I had no idea about the discharge, my nipples the size of helipads. 317 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,270 And the insomnia. Oh, the insomnia. 318 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:37,320 I was awake all night playing with my bunkie's pet rats. 319 00:17:37,400 --> 00:17:39,995 Jeez, Lorna, rats are disease-carrying vermin. 320 00:17:40,120 --> 00:17:43,716 They're gonna give your baby microcephali, or macrocephali. 321 00:17:43,800 --> 00:17:48,591 The point is, the goal is, you want normal cephali. 322 00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:50,114 Nicky, I've missed you. 323 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:53,955 I missed you, too. Tell me more about your helipad nipples you have. 324 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:56,600 - Like, how big are we talking? - [Lorna] Huge. 325 00:17:56,720 --> 00:18:00,270 Good morning, Litchfield Max! 326 00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:05,480 Rise and shine, and welcome to another crisp October day. 327 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:10,271 Tomorrow is Halloween, which means tonight is Mischief Night. 328 00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,629 I know some of you feel 329 00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:16,715 like this is your chance to exorcise your inner demons, 330 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,554 but I urge you to ask yourself, 331 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:23,793 "Is that the kind of energy I want to be putting out into the world? 332 00:18:23,880 --> 00:18:28,909 What if, instead, I spent the day performing acts of kindness?" 333 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:33,791 Maybe surprise someone with a non-sexual favor for them, 334 00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:38,193 or giving them a non-sexual body compliment, 335 00:18:38,280 --> 00:18:42,991 or letting them know that they have dried blood on their face. 336 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:47,279 I wish someone had let me know that. Nobody told me until lunch. 337 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:51,070 And by that time, my T-zone was already starting to break out... 338 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,714 [Piper coughing] 339 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,353 [choking and coughing] 340 00:18:58,440 --> 00:18:59,874 [laughs] 341 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:01,872 Happy Mischief Day, roomie! 342 00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:03,440 What the fuck? 343 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:06,399 Good old cheese-in-the-nose prank. Gets 'em every time. 344 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:09,120 Putting cheese in someone's nose is not a prank. 345 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:12,750 Well, let's see. It made at least one person laugh. Ha! Me. 346 00:19:12,880 --> 00:19:17,033 Made at least one person sad. You. Sounds like a prank to me. 347 00:19:17,120 --> 00:19:19,191 I can't hear anything that you're saying. 348 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,034 Oh, yeah, I, uh... I put some in your ears, too. 349 00:19:24,440 --> 00:19:27,990 - [gasps] - [chuckles] Is it a prank now? 350 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:34,231 - [sighs] - Not so fast, snaggletooth. 351 00:19:34,360 --> 00:19:37,273 I'm gonna need you to fill my commissary today. 352 00:19:37,360 --> 00:19:38,476 But I don't have any money. 353 00:19:38,560 --> 00:19:42,315 Nice try. Too bad a little birdie named Stella 354 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,199 told me all about you and your privileged ass 355 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:46,680 before she flew the coop. 356 00:19:46,760 --> 00:19:49,798 If I had to hear the name Piper one more time I would've strangled her. 357 00:19:49,880 --> 00:19:51,280 You must've made her mad. 358 00:19:51,360 --> 00:19:55,400 Anyway, you owe me for putting your new girlfriend next door. 359 00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:58,075 - It's only fair. - We did not ask you to do that. 360 00:19:58,160 --> 00:20:00,436 But I did it, so you owe me. 361 00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,157 Or do you wanna get tough about it? 362 00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:07,593 Fine. I'll do it. 363 00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:19,797 That woman is a fucking nightmare. 364 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:21,633 Good morning to you, too. 365 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,837 She put cheese in my face. 366 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:26,116 That's not even a real prank. Who does that? 367 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:29,477 Plus, she wants me to fill her commissary. This is full-on extortion. 368 00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,074 Can we take it down a couple notches? 369 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:34,153 My arm killed me all night and I haven't slept. 370 00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:36,958 I hate this place. 371 00:20:37,040 --> 00:20:41,159 Bosses, gang warfare, extortion. 372 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,197 Since when are we living in The Godfather? 373 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:48,193 Murphy's Irish, so it's more The Departed. 374 00:20:48,280 --> 00:20:50,216 Don't they all get shot in the face at the end of that? 375 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:51,640 Doesn't sound very promising. 376 00:20:51,720 --> 00:20:54,997 Listen, she's trying to establish herself as alpha. 377 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,720 Roll onto your back and let her sniff your genitals. 378 00:20:57,800 --> 00:21:00,998 Next week she'll get bored and find some other beta bitch to pick on. 379 00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:03,800 I can only handle so much genital sniffing. 380 00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:07,670 - Now I'm going to go handle cheese. - Hmm. 381 00:21:07,760 --> 00:21:10,275 As a treat. You gonna come? 382 00:21:10,360 --> 00:21:11,874 Can't. I'm infirm. 383 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,713 So I'll meet you in the yard? 384 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:16,076 Look at us. Meeting for recess. 385 00:21:16,640 --> 00:21:19,030 [sniffs] Is that Gruyère? 386 00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:21,476 Nah. Too nutty. 387 00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,759 [indistinct chatter] 388 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,473 That wasn't what I think it was, was it? 389 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,553 That depends. Did you think it was a dead woman on a cart? 390 00:21:39,640 --> 00:21:43,395 Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. You didn't, did you? 391 00:21:44,040 --> 00:21:45,633 - Of course not. - [sighs] 392 00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:50,351 I know better than to off a good cellmate. She was clean and quiet, 393 00:21:50,440 --> 00:21:52,671 and especially after she died. 394 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:56,356 The last three days have been heavenly. Minus the smell. 395 00:21:56,960 --> 00:21:59,600 Yeah. I know death is a part of the circle of life. 396 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,514 It's in every Disney movie and some Pixar movies like Up, 397 00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:04,080 and some movies like Stepmom. 398 00:22:04,160 --> 00:22:07,517 But death gives me the gloomy doomies. 399 00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:11,276 Can you give me some space here? I'm trying to grieve. 400 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,955 Mommy says the best thing for the gloomy doomies 401 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:16,919 is to be with friends, but I don't have any here. 402 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:18,719 Who are your friends, bunker lady? 403 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,076 All I got is enemies these days. 404 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:23,629 I could request to be your roommate. 405 00:22:24,360 --> 00:22:26,238 It's good to have company when you grieve. 406 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,996 It's what the Jews call a, um, a shiver. So you don't get cold. 407 00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,878 [stammers] Yeah, no offense, 408 00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,920 but I'd rather be locked in a cage with a swarm of bees. 409 00:22:36,040 --> 00:22:37,952 Is that a no? Some people love bees. 410 00:22:38,040 --> 00:22:40,077 Hey, it's almost outside time. 411 00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:42,914 I've noticed that you always skip outside time like I do. 412 00:22:43,000 --> 00:22:46,232 I've always wanted to go, but I was never great at playground. 413 00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:49,677 Maybe, you and I, we can go together. 414 00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:52,434 Like friends. Not a date. 415 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,200 Look, I'm not your damn prison mommy. 416 00:22:57,280 --> 00:23:00,591 You want friends, go make 'em yourself. 417 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:02,876 If you're not gonna go, then I'm not gonna go. 418 00:23:02,960 --> 00:23:05,873 You do what you want, but don't do it in here. 419 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,394 Get out of my cell 420 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,598 before they have to carry you out on a stretcher. 421 00:23:34,080 --> 00:23:37,710 So they squealed on you, too, hmm? 422 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,998 I guess it's just us now. 423 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:47,638 The Russian and the black. Like villains in a bad '80s action movie. 424 00:23:47,720 --> 00:23:49,279 Or any action movie. 425 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:50,794 My girls ain't snitches. 426 00:23:50,880 --> 00:23:52,553 And yet here you are. 427 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:55,829 How did you do it? 428 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,997 I mean, it was so dark after they blew that door open. 429 00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,275 And all that screaming. 430 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:02,760 I didn't kill anybody. 431 00:24:02,840 --> 00:24:05,639 We both watched him walk out of that room alive. 432 00:24:05,720 --> 00:24:08,394 And when they stormed, I was dragged out in cuffs. 433 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,154 Okay, so if you didn't kill him and I didn't kill him, 434 00:24:11,240 --> 00:24:12,390 who the fuck did? 435 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:15,075 Oh, I don't know for sure you didn't kill him. 436 00:24:15,160 --> 00:24:17,436 [sighs] I didn't kill him. 437 00:24:18,920 --> 00:24:20,673 I suppose it doesn't matter now. 438 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:26,720 They want us to go down, regardless of what we did or didn't do. 439 00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:29,315 I ain't going down for shit I didn't do. 440 00:24:29,400 --> 00:24:32,791 And I ain't spending the rest of my life in this fucked-up place. 441 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:34,680 It's funny. 442 00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,917 After so many years, it starts to feel like your home. 443 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:42,752 And that these people are your family. 444 00:24:42,840 --> 00:24:45,480 Until you stop being useful. 445 00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,598 Then poof. They're gone. 446 00:24:48,680 --> 00:24:51,673 And you remember that this is not your home 447 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,235 and that you are alone here. 448 00:24:54,920 --> 00:24:57,719 At least you got a real family waiting for you. 449 00:24:57,800 --> 00:24:59,951 Inmates, let's go. 450 00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:15,873 Oh. Check, check, check it out. Your MVP is all alone. 451 00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:19,158 Might be a good time to toss her. Could get a day cry out of it. 452 00:25:20,440 --> 00:25:22,716 I thought we weren't supposed to interfere. 453 00:25:22,800 --> 00:25:25,440 Nah. It's not interfering if you're doing your job. 454 00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,400 Trust me, you don't want to be playing catch up. 455 00:25:27,440 --> 00:25:29,477 Hopper's already got ten points on a Bloody Mary. 456 00:25:56,880 --> 00:25:58,553 - Up, inmate. - [gasps] 457 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,395 Against the wall. I'm tossing your cell. 458 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:06,558 - But I don't have anything... - Get up. Now. 459 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:18,680 [sighs] Fuck. 460 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:28,435 This is some bullshit. 461 00:26:28,520 --> 00:26:29,520 [grunts] 462 00:26:46,560 --> 00:26:47,676 [door closes] 463 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:53,555 [sighs] 464 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,597 [breathing deeply] 465 00:27:56,160 --> 00:27:57,160 Hey. 466 00:27:59,920 --> 00:28:00,920 Hey. 467 00:28:03,240 --> 00:28:04,560 Is that a book? 468 00:28:08,080 --> 00:28:09,639 I think you could call it that, 469 00:28:09,720 --> 00:28:12,155 what with the pages and words between two covers. 470 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:14,232 Funny. Good so far? 471 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,280 Did you need something? 472 00:28:17,200 --> 00:28:18,873 I was just saying hey. 473 00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:24,951 We're disability buddies, after all. [chuckles] How's the smell? 474 00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:28,632 It's fine. It's a sling, not a cast. 475 00:28:28,720 --> 00:28:30,154 I broke my shoulder as a kid. 476 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,880 After a few weeks the sling started to smell 477 00:28:32,960 --> 00:28:35,429 like my brother Sean's hockey jock. [scoffs] 478 00:28:35,520 --> 00:28:39,070 Not that I sniffed my brother's jock strap. 479 00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:40,640 Just happened to get a whiff of it 480 00:28:40,720 --> 00:28:43,633 while I was covering it in Tiger Balm to burn his nuts off. 481 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:45,473 I heard you're quite the prankster. 482 00:28:45,560 --> 00:28:48,837 I try to keep it fun around here. That gonna be a problem? 483 00:28:48,920 --> 00:28:51,355 Not for me, but the fiancée's a little uptight. 484 00:28:51,440 --> 00:28:55,400 Oh, you should've seen her. She had steam coming out of her ears. 485 00:28:56,080 --> 00:28:57,753 Once she got the cheese out. 486 00:28:57,880 --> 00:29:01,317 - You should see her ask for a manager. - [chuckles] 487 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,076 You got jokes. I could tell. I'm funny, too. 488 00:29:05,720 --> 00:29:09,714 Yeah. Pranks are funny. Extortion? Hmm, less so. 489 00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,590 Depends on your sense of humor. 490 00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:27,240 Look, I get it. You're top dog around here. 491 00:29:27,320 --> 00:29:28,754 I respect that. 492 00:29:28,840 --> 00:29:31,355 But Piper is pretty unbearable when she's upset, 493 00:29:31,440 --> 00:29:33,796 which makes my life a living hell. [chuckles] 494 00:29:33,880 --> 00:29:36,395 So how about she fills your commissary this time, 495 00:29:36,480 --> 00:29:40,918 and you agree to lay off her? For my sake, not hers. 496 00:29:41,560 --> 00:29:43,677 Normally, I'd tell you to go fuck yourself, 497 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:47,555 but lucky for you Mischief Day is a very special day 498 00:29:47,680 --> 00:29:49,273 for people with my personality type. 499 00:29:49,880 --> 00:29:51,155 Does that mean we have a deal? 500 00:29:52,040 --> 00:29:55,636 Consider it another one of my good deeds. 501 00:29:55,720 --> 00:29:58,394 It's important to have good karma, you know? 502 00:29:59,480 --> 00:30:01,039 I'll keep that in mind. 503 00:30:04,000 --> 00:30:05,957 [sniffing] Mmm. Ooh. 504 00:30:06,040 --> 00:30:07,110 This is rotten. 505 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,576 It's supposed to be like that. You never heard of blue cheese? 506 00:30:09,600 --> 00:30:12,274 It's great in a pecan scone or pear tartlet 507 00:30:12,360 --> 00:30:16,320 or stuffed in a date wrapped in bacon. I took a cheese class once. 508 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:19,316 White people go to some weird-ass schools, man. 509 00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:20,595 [Gloria chuckles] 510 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,953 [laughing] 511 00:30:31,120 --> 00:30:32,679 Pendejas. 512 00:30:32,760 --> 00:30:35,594 [Blanca] Psst. So, I got a plan. 513 00:30:35,680 --> 00:30:37,592 [Gloria] Oh, relax. It's just a stupid prank. 514 00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:41,356 No, not about them, boba. Ruiz is back in gen pop. 515 00:30:41,440 --> 00:30:43,557 I say we strike first, before she makes her move. 516 00:30:43,640 --> 00:30:45,359 She knows we sold her out. 517 00:30:45,440 --> 00:30:48,433 And it worked. She's fucked. So I'm good. I'm done striking. 518 00:30:48,520 --> 00:30:51,000 It's a miracle we didn't get extra time after I jumped her ass. 519 00:30:51,080 --> 00:30:53,390 Oh, let sleeping bitches lie. 520 00:30:53,480 --> 00:30:55,472 Oh, that bitch don't sleep. 521 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:58,712 You know she's coming up with ways to take us down as we speak. 522 00:30:58,800 --> 00:31:01,360 Look, um, if you want to do some stupid shit 523 00:31:01,440 --> 00:31:03,830 and get sent back to Ad Seg, go ahead. 524 00:31:03,920 --> 00:31:05,115 Nobody stopping you. 525 00:31:05,200 --> 00:31:08,796 We don't gotta do nothing. We let them bitches do it for us. 526 00:31:08,880 --> 00:31:12,351 We tell them she freed the guards during the riot. Hmm? 527 00:31:12,440 --> 00:31:14,113 Let the rest take care of itself. 528 00:31:14,200 --> 00:31:16,840 [Ginger] All right. That's it for today. Wrap it up. 529 00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:19,594 Faster you clean, the faster you get out to the yard. 530 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:21,755 I'm watching you, Chapman. 531 00:31:31,400 --> 00:31:33,278 [indistinct chatter] 532 00:31:46,360 --> 00:31:48,431 It's like a middle school dance out here. 533 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:52,836 We're on the right side. I hear D-Block is full of lesbians. 534 00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:56,994 At least C-Block has some family values. Oh. Hey, look. 535 00:32:15,720 --> 00:32:18,280 We're not supposed to talk 'cause we're wearing different colors, 536 00:32:18,360 --> 00:32:19,510 but I wanted to say hi. 537 00:32:19,600 --> 00:32:21,840 How you hanging in there? I see you got rid of that limp. 538 00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:23,714 I took some ibuprofen. 539 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:25,960 You look good. 540 00:32:26,040 --> 00:32:29,511 I'm far from good, trust me. But the pain is better. 541 00:32:30,440 --> 00:32:31,920 That one giving you trouble? 542 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,514 [Daya] No. Mostly sleeps all day, 543 00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:36,195 like one of those dogs that's gonna die real soon. 544 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:38,556 I told you. She's up to something. 545 00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:45,878 So, how's opening day treating you? 546 00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:50,914 A girl spat on Beth Hoefler. You know, baby killer? She's one of mine. 547 00:32:51,000 --> 00:32:53,640 Nice. How many points is that again? 548 00:32:53,720 --> 00:32:56,872 Two. And I'm keeping my own records. 549 00:32:56,960 --> 00:32:58,952 Not that I doubt our new commissioner. 550 00:32:59,960 --> 00:33:02,111 What about you? Any action? 551 00:33:02,200 --> 00:33:04,317 No. Day's still young. 552 00:33:10,960 --> 00:33:16,160 Hey, did you see that? Chapman. Eleven o'clock. Something's up with her. 553 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:19,677 She looks pretty normal to me. Except she keeps smelling her hands. 554 00:33:20,360 --> 00:33:21,794 Something's definitely up. 555 00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:24,870 I think I should go talk to her. You stay here. 556 00:33:25,840 --> 00:33:27,160 Where else would I go? 557 00:33:29,080 --> 00:33:31,914 - Hey, Chapman. I saw that. - What did I do? 558 00:33:34,040 --> 00:33:35,918 Oh, my God. Is that my tooth? 559 00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:38,469 No, it's an acrylic replica. Yes, it's your tooth. 560 00:33:38,560 --> 00:33:41,394 - This is amazing. - There's no such thing as a free lunch. 561 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:45,394 You gotta give something to get something. You scratch my back, I scratch yours. 562 00:33:45,480 --> 00:33:47,472 This isn't exactly back scratching 563 00:33:47,560 --> 00:33:49,756 if you're holding a piece of my body hostage. 564 00:33:51,520 --> 00:33:53,034 What do you want? 565 00:33:53,640 --> 00:33:57,111 I want you to start something. An altercation, preferably. 566 00:33:58,160 --> 00:34:00,436 With that one, in khaki. 567 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:03,873 What? No. 568 00:34:03,960 --> 00:34:05,536 Do you like looking like a jack-o'-lantern? 569 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,950 Because you'll never get that fixed while you're in here. 570 00:34:08,040 --> 00:34:09,838 Inmates have died waiting for fillings. 571 00:34:16,120 --> 00:34:18,919 Ruiz and I have a history. It's complicated... 572 00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,198 She's the only one without a posse. You don't want to get jumped, do you? 573 00:34:22,280 --> 00:34:23,680 - This is entrapment. - [scoffs] 574 00:34:23,760 --> 00:34:26,832 Don't worry. I'll make sure there's no fallout on you or her. 575 00:34:26,960 --> 00:34:30,192 And I'll break it up before she gets any serious punches in. 576 00:34:30,280 --> 00:34:32,078 - [sighs] - Oh... 577 00:34:32,160 --> 00:34:35,756 Make sure you yell something really mean beforehand. 578 00:34:35,840 --> 00:34:40,551 Like stupid dum-dum or something. Just make it loud. 579 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:46,033 [sighs] 580 00:34:46,120 --> 00:34:47,918 Fuck it. 581 00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:49,956 [groans] 582 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,753 Long time no see, Chapman. 583 00:34:54,840 --> 00:34:57,480 [softly] I'm really sorry, but I need my tooth. 584 00:34:57,560 --> 00:34:59,552 [loudly] You stupid dum-dum! 585 00:34:59,640 --> 00:35:00,936 - [Maria grunts] - [Ginger] Whoa, whoa, whoa. 586 00:35:00,960 --> 00:35:03,714 Break it up! Chapman! What did I just say? 587 00:35:03,800 --> 00:35:07,430 That's it. Your rec time's over. Come on. Come on. 588 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:09,000 Was that a gang altercation? 589 00:35:09,080 --> 00:35:11,515 Told you. I know a toxic person when I see one. 590 00:35:56,360 --> 00:36:00,434 Good afternoon. My name is Suzanne. What's your name? 591 00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:04,113 I said, my name is Suzanne. 592 00:36:04,840 --> 00:36:06,274 Who's Anne? 593 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,920 No. My name is Suzanne. 594 00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,593 I don't know any Anne. 595 00:36:10,680 --> 00:36:11,909 [panting] 596 00:36:12,800 --> 00:36:13,995 Ask them. 597 00:36:15,600 --> 00:36:16,795 [Suzanne] Uh... 598 00:36:23,440 --> 00:36:27,320 Sorry to bother you guys, but do you know an Anne? 599 00:36:32,080 --> 00:36:36,040 ♪ I feel a draft coming in ♪ 600 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:41,354 ♪ Must be that old front door ♪ 601 00:36:42,280 --> 00:36:48,595 ♪ In this house that I live in ♪ 602 00:36:49,840 --> 00:36:53,595 ♪ But it's only the wind ♪ 603 00:36:55,160 --> 00:36:58,949 ♪ Ever since the day you left I've been in misery ♪ 604 00:36:59,040 --> 00:37:00,190 [Frieda] Hey. 605 00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:01,913 The floor is lava. 606 00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,595 I knew it! [grunts] 607 00:37:06,520 --> 00:37:07,590 I knew it. 608 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:11,390 - Psst. What's that? - Oh. 609 00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:14,236 Not sure. 610 00:37:15,240 --> 00:37:19,075 What's the word for a bundle of sticks? Starts with an "F." 611 00:37:19,160 --> 00:37:21,595 - Bring it over here. - Can't. The floor is lava. 612 00:37:22,840 --> 00:37:26,390 - Mmm, whoa, whoa. - It's okay. I'm wearing asbestos boots. 613 00:37:26,480 --> 00:37:27,480 Oh. 614 00:37:29,480 --> 00:37:31,358 Ooh, ooh. Careful. It's hot. 615 00:37:42,960 --> 00:37:44,872 - [Linda] Hello, Joe. - [sighs] 616 00:37:45,560 --> 00:37:47,950 Nice digs. Long way from Purchasing, huh? 617 00:37:48,040 --> 00:37:49,440 You wanted to see me? 618 00:37:49,520 --> 00:37:50,520 I did. 619 00:37:51,840 --> 00:37:52,840 May I? 620 00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,310 - First off, I want to say how sorry... - Save it. 621 00:38:05,160 --> 00:38:09,473 Okay. In that case, I'm here to discuss Tasha Jefferson. 622 00:38:09,560 --> 00:38:11,120 She was one of the leaders of the riot. 623 00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,795 She negotiated on behalf of the other inmates. 624 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,475 I'm aware. I was there, remember? 625 00:38:19,160 --> 00:38:20,992 Are you aware the feds are charging her 626 00:38:21,080 --> 00:38:23,754 with second degree murder for the death of Piscatella? 627 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:26,039 A murder she most certainly did not commit. 628 00:38:26,120 --> 00:38:28,401 I am sure that the FBI is more than capable of determining 629 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:29,675 the consequences of the riot. 630 00:38:29,760 --> 00:38:32,719 Come on, Linda. We both know they don't care. 631 00:38:32,800 --> 00:38:35,554 They are crucifying her to cover their ass, 632 00:38:35,640 --> 00:38:38,109 instead of figuring out what actually happened down there. 633 00:38:38,680 --> 00:38:40,273 What do you expect me to do about it? 634 00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:42,511 Have MCC launch their own separate investigation. 635 00:38:42,600 --> 00:38:44,831 - Mmm-hmm. - The feds have too much on their plate. 636 00:38:44,920 --> 00:38:47,296 They're rushing this to get to a verdict the press would like. 637 00:38:47,320 --> 00:38:51,519 Look, Joe, this isn't my department and, quite frankly, I don't care. 638 00:38:53,440 --> 00:38:54,760 How can you say that? 639 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,274 With the same moral turpitude 640 00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:59,034 that allowed you to leave me rotting in Ohio for nearly a week. 641 00:38:59,120 --> 00:39:01,510 - Linda, I am sorry... - Fuck you, Joe! 642 00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,760 I don't accept your bullshit apologies. 643 00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:07,639 Oh, and by the way, I met your side-piece, Natalie. 644 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:10,315 She looks like a camel. Is that your thing? 645 00:39:11,840 --> 00:39:13,035 I have a wide range. 646 00:39:13,160 --> 00:39:14,160 You're disgusting. 647 00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:17,000 Mmm-hmm. 648 00:39:19,480 --> 00:39:21,790 There's nothing I can do to help your friend. 649 00:39:21,920 --> 00:39:23,115 It's not my department. 650 00:39:23,760 --> 00:39:26,480 But my department is overseeing personnel placement. 651 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:31,155 I see you've submitted an application for your old job back as warden. 652 00:39:32,640 --> 00:39:33,640 I did. 653 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:35,875 [scoffs] 654 00:39:35,960 --> 00:39:39,590 Well, you're obviously incapable of being the warden over at Litchfield. 655 00:39:39,680 --> 00:39:42,639 But I have an opening over at Missouri State Penitentiary. 656 00:39:42,720 --> 00:39:43,870 You could start this week. 657 00:39:43,960 --> 00:39:47,795 Missouri State? Missouri State is the place where wardens go to die. 658 00:39:47,880 --> 00:39:51,590 The only reason there's an opening there is the last guy committed suicide. 659 00:39:52,360 --> 00:39:54,431 - You're trying to bury me. - Damn right. 660 00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:58,400 So you can either take the job and submit quietly or I could see you in court. 661 00:39:58,480 --> 00:40:02,156 - Court? Were we married? - I agreed not to file against MCC, 662 00:40:02,240 --> 00:40:04,456 but there is still the civil case I could file against you 663 00:40:04,480 --> 00:40:06,870 for the heinous negligence that left me in the system 664 00:40:06,960 --> 00:40:09,236 despite you knowing I was a civilian. 665 00:40:09,800 --> 00:40:11,200 You are worse than Natalie. 666 00:40:11,280 --> 00:40:13,511 I'll consider that a yes to Missouri, then? 667 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:14,835 And also a compliment. 668 00:40:14,920 --> 00:40:16,877 - Sounds like I don't have a choice. - You don't. 669 00:40:16,960 --> 00:40:20,032 As you know, you will have to undergo a psychiatric evaluation 670 00:40:20,120 --> 00:40:21,474 before you return to work. 671 00:40:21,560 --> 00:40:24,519 Also, I have a few interview questions we need to run through, 672 00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:25,954 mostly as a formality. 673 00:40:26,080 --> 00:40:30,996 Question number one. Can you remember a time when you kept a promise to someone? 674 00:40:31,080 --> 00:40:32,639 - Anyone? - [sighs] 675 00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:41,190 - This is bad news. - Yeah. 676 00:40:41,280 --> 00:40:45,035 Back in my day, B-Block was neutral territory. 677 00:40:45,120 --> 00:40:47,919 I guess some of these ladies can't kick a habit. 678 00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:50,679 Can I have it back now? 679 00:40:51,440 --> 00:40:54,877 Oh, I think it's best if I hold on to it for safekeeping. 680 00:40:56,000 --> 00:40:57,116 Okay. 681 00:40:58,280 --> 00:41:00,511 I didn't want to do this, but... 682 00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,559 I think I'm gonna have to invoke finders keepers. 683 00:41:04,200 --> 00:41:05,200 [chuckles] 684 00:41:06,680 --> 00:41:09,991 These are deadly weapons. 685 00:41:10,080 --> 00:41:11,639 Not a toy. 686 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:13,598 - Strongly disagree. - [scoffs] 687 00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:17,276 These are fence posts for building a fort. 688 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:21,195 Why else would the ends be sharpened? Hello? 689 00:41:21,280 --> 00:41:26,196 To shove in someone's ear and puncture their brain. 690 00:41:26,960 --> 00:41:30,840 Or to turn their eyeballs into shish kebabs. 691 00:41:30,920 --> 00:41:34,072 Or put a few holes in their windpipe. 692 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,514 Now, trust me... 693 00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:39,711 I've seen it done... while I was doing it. 694 00:41:39,800 --> 00:41:43,396 Well, there is also the double shove up the nose to pull out the brain. 695 00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,840 Exactly. 696 00:41:44,920 --> 00:41:49,199 Someone in here intends to hurt somebody, 697 00:41:49,960 --> 00:41:53,112 and I have a feeling that somebody is me. 698 00:41:53,200 --> 00:41:55,795 I hope they don't end up in the same cell as you. 699 00:41:55,880 --> 00:41:57,519 That would be suspenseful. 700 00:41:58,200 --> 00:41:59,395 [sighs] 701 00:42:00,440 --> 00:42:03,558 Well, there's one way to make sure that don't happen. 702 00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:07,279 You mean me? 703 00:42:07,280 --> 00:42:09,078 Uh, still want to be roommates? 704 00:42:09,160 --> 00:42:11,197 Would that make us friends? 705 00:42:12,880 --> 00:42:15,349 Sure. Why not? 706 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:16,920 Oh! 707 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,160 [Pennsatucky sighs] 708 00:42:21,240 --> 00:42:22,674 [Coates] This isn't working. 709 00:42:22,760 --> 00:42:25,116 - [clears throat] - Maybe we should keep going. 710 00:42:25,240 --> 00:42:28,551 We been going all day, and you promised me we'd do camping things. 711 00:42:28,640 --> 00:42:30,552 Well, these bricks are a scam, okay? 712 00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:33,314 How do you call it a fire-starter if it can't start a fire? 713 00:42:33,400 --> 00:42:36,438 [scoffs] They're not a scam, silly. They won't catch. 714 00:42:36,520 --> 00:42:39,558 Wood can't catch fire when it's in a stack like this. 715 00:42:39,640 --> 00:42:41,480 - It needs... - I just need a minute. I got it! 716 00:42:47,040 --> 00:42:49,760 God damn it! 717 00:42:49,840 --> 00:42:52,275 - The fuck? Chill out! - Shit! 718 00:42:52,360 --> 00:42:56,434 - Chill out? I burnt my hand! - You're in a really fucking scary mood. 719 00:42:56,520 --> 00:42:57,760 I'm allowed to be stressed out. 720 00:42:57,840 --> 00:43:00,560 This is a very high-stress situation that we're in. 721 00:43:00,680 --> 00:43:02,000 You think I don't know that? 722 00:43:02,080 --> 00:43:05,596 [scoffs] Last I looked, they were looking for me. 723 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:08,115 Okay? You don't need to kick shit around. 724 00:43:11,280 --> 00:43:13,511 I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to scare you. 725 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:15,034 You're always fucking sorry. 726 00:43:15,120 --> 00:43:17,760 You're sorry about something every day. 727 00:43:17,840 --> 00:43:19,877 Look, I know I'm not perfect, all right? 728 00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:21,792 But I am trying really, really hard. 729 00:43:21,880 --> 00:43:24,600 So maybe you could be a little more patient with me. 730 00:43:24,680 --> 00:43:26,637 Or maybe you're just wasting your time. 731 00:43:30,840 --> 00:43:33,560 - What do you mean? - I don't know what I mean. I just... 732 00:43:34,440 --> 00:43:39,231 Just, my mom was right. She always said that certain people have, like, um... 733 00:43:40,440 --> 00:43:41,760 like, patterns, you know? 734 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:44,400 She would tell me some people will never change, 735 00:43:44,480 --> 00:43:47,678 because they're just wired a certain way and not to even bother. 736 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,480 And you know what? Maybe she was right. I don't know... 737 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:53,200 Things will be easier once we get across the border. 738 00:43:53,280 --> 00:43:56,000 Crossing a border doesn't make you a different person. 739 00:43:56,760 --> 00:43:59,594 I am a different person, Doggett, because of you. 740 00:44:00,480 --> 00:44:03,314 I'm out here in the middle of nowhere, hiding from the cops, 741 00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:06,438 burning my goddamn hand because of you, Doggett. 742 00:44:06,520 --> 00:44:09,115 If you had told me a year ago I'd be here, I would've laughed. 743 00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:11,032 - But here I am, right? - [sighs] 744 00:44:12,480 --> 00:44:15,279 It takes work, but people can change. 745 00:44:16,160 --> 00:44:21,280 They got to make the decision to change and then do what it takes to make it real. 746 00:44:21,960 --> 00:44:22,960 The way I see it, 747 00:44:23,040 --> 00:44:26,795 everybody's just one hard decision away from having a whole different life. 748 00:44:28,120 --> 00:44:31,557 That's what this is. This is a chance at a whole new life. 749 00:44:32,200 --> 00:44:34,669 - Yeah. - I thought that's what you wanted. 750 00:44:35,480 --> 00:44:36,550 I'm tired. 751 00:44:37,640 --> 00:44:40,200 - I'm tired, too. - Hmm. 752 00:44:40,320 --> 00:44:45,793 So could we just not make your specialty schmear gem s'mores? 753 00:44:45,880 --> 00:44:49,396 Yeah. Actually, I got a backup plan. 754 00:44:50,800 --> 00:44:52,951 - [scoffs] - Right? 755 00:44:56,800 --> 00:45:00,953 Yeah, how much to move a two-bedroom to Missouri? 756 00:45:01,040 --> 00:45:02,520 Yes, Missouri. 757 00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:05,069 [man speaking indistinctly over cell phone] 758 00:45:05,160 --> 00:45:06,958 What? I mean... 759 00:45:08,000 --> 00:45:12,597 Jesus. [stammers] What if I get rid of some shit? 760 00:45:12,680 --> 00:45:14,637 How much to move a one-bedroom? 761 00:45:15,720 --> 00:45:18,713 Jesus Christ. You gotta be kidding me. 762 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:22,680 I mean, your ad says movers, not extortionists. 763 00:45:22,760 --> 00:45:24,274 Yes, I said extortion. 764 00:45:24,360 --> 00:45:26,511 [stammers] Never mind. Please. Never mind. 765 00:45:27,440 --> 00:45:28,669 [sighs] 766 00:45:39,880 --> 00:45:41,314 Fucking miserable cunt. 767 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,558 [cell phone ringing] 768 00:45:49,520 --> 00:45:50,479 Hello? 769 00:45:50,480 --> 00:45:52,176 [operator] An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison 770 00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:53,873 is attempting to contact you. 771 00:45:53,960 --> 00:45:56,555 - To accept this call, please press one. - [sighs] 772 00:45:58,040 --> 00:45:59,040 [beeps] 773 00:46:00,480 --> 00:46:02,056 [Taystee] I haven't heard from you in two days. 774 00:46:02,080 --> 00:46:02,999 Taystee? 775 00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:04,992 You said you were gonna see what you could do. 776 00:46:06,640 --> 00:46:07,676 And I did. 777 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:10,835 I met with the senior vice president of MCC. 778 00:46:11,600 --> 00:46:13,193 All right, what did he say? 779 00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:16,072 And she said it wasn't her department. 780 00:46:16,160 --> 00:46:17,594 What the fuck does that mean? 781 00:46:17,680 --> 00:46:19,672 It means I can't help you. I'm sorry. 782 00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:23,356 I tried. [stammers] I got no juice on this one. 783 00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:25,318 There's got to be something else you can do. 784 00:46:25,400 --> 00:46:27,995 Like help me find a good lawyer so I can fight this. 785 00:46:28,080 --> 00:46:29,799 I don't know any good lawyers. 786 00:46:29,880 --> 00:46:33,112 If I did, I wouldn't have to move to fucking Missouri. 787 00:46:33,200 --> 00:46:35,510 You're moving? To Missouri? 788 00:46:36,160 --> 00:46:37,230 It's a long story. 789 00:46:37,320 --> 00:46:38,720 You said you would help me. 790 00:46:38,800 --> 00:46:40,519 I tried to help you. Repeatedly. 791 00:46:40,640 --> 00:46:43,838 Do you remember me sitting across from you in my boxer shorts, 792 00:46:43,920 --> 00:46:46,276 after you locked me in a shithole for two days? 793 00:46:46,360 --> 00:46:48,795 That was me trying to help you! 794 00:46:49,360 --> 00:46:50,840 If you would've listened then, 795 00:46:50,920 --> 00:46:52,912 we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. 796 00:46:53,000 --> 00:46:57,199 [sighs] So that's it, then? You gonna let me go down like that? 797 00:46:57,280 --> 00:47:00,671 Taystee, you clearly do not do what other people want you to do. 798 00:47:00,760 --> 00:47:02,592 You do what you wanna do. 799 00:47:02,680 --> 00:47:04,911 You say you wanna fight this? Then go ahead. 800 00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:07,310 You don't need a fancy lawyer for that. 801 00:47:07,400 --> 00:47:09,710 [stuttering] I'm just done. I'm done! 802 00:47:12,080 --> 00:47:13,196 [sighs] 803 00:47:16,280 --> 00:47:17,714 [sighing] 804 00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,551 [chokes and coughs] 805 00:47:50,280 --> 00:47:51,680 Hey. Daddy, right? 806 00:47:53,240 --> 00:47:55,038 I'm sorry, do I know you? 807 00:47:55,120 --> 00:47:57,635 [Maria] Ruiz. Just got in a few days ago. 808 00:47:57,720 --> 00:47:59,757 Ruiz. Ruiz. 809 00:48:00,360 --> 00:48:02,716 You're one of those pumpkins from up the hill? 810 00:48:02,800 --> 00:48:05,031 Looks like Max gave you a warm welcome. 811 00:48:05,120 --> 00:48:07,351 Guards roughed us up real bad after what happened. 812 00:48:07,440 --> 00:48:09,955 I got something to help with that if you got the cash for it. 813 00:48:10,040 --> 00:48:13,795 No, I'm good. Actually, I was thinking, um, that I could help you out. 814 00:48:14,840 --> 00:48:17,230 Why would I need help from a new fish? 815 00:48:17,320 --> 00:48:19,437 I heard you had some beef with C-Block. 816 00:48:19,520 --> 00:48:20,749 You hear that, huh? 817 00:48:20,840 --> 00:48:23,719 I swear, people always be hearing shit around this place. 818 00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:25,075 No disrespect. 819 00:48:25,160 --> 00:48:28,597 I got my own shit to work out with someone if you need another player. 820 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,074 That's really interesting. 821 00:48:31,160 --> 00:48:34,039 'Cause what I hear is that Ruiz is the one who turned 822 00:48:34,120 --> 00:48:36,032 and let the guards out to save her own ass. 823 00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,594 Like I said, people hear shit. 824 00:48:39,680 --> 00:48:41,399 So thanks, but no thanks. 825 00:48:42,560 --> 00:48:43,755 And just between us, 826 00:48:43,840 --> 00:48:46,719 I think you got off lucky fuckin' with a bunch of cookies. 827 00:48:47,360 --> 00:48:49,431 That shit would've happened here, 828 00:48:49,520 --> 00:48:53,992 we would have cut your tits off and worn them... as tits. 829 00:48:54,080 --> 00:48:58,632 Good to meet you, Ruiz. And cover that bruise up. It looks weird. 830 00:49:02,000 --> 00:49:05,152 - Hey, look what the cat coughed up. - Hey. 831 00:49:05,240 --> 00:49:07,232 - Thought I saw the last of you. - No. 832 00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:09,312 Nah, I missed you too much. 833 00:49:09,400 --> 00:49:12,120 Plus, couldn't let you have these girls to yourself. 834 00:49:12,200 --> 00:49:14,840 I mean, what's life without a little competition? 835 00:49:14,920 --> 00:49:16,036 Are you staying clean? 836 00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:18,000 Yes. 837 00:49:18,080 --> 00:49:19,309 Yeah. 838 00:49:19,400 --> 00:49:21,835 You still waging war on the backs of drug-addled minions? 839 00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:23,513 Maybe. Maybe not. 840 00:49:23,600 --> 00:49:25,512 I guess you'll have to wait and see. 841 00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:31,157 [howling on TV] 842 00:49:31,280 --> 00:49:33,749 - [growling] - [woman screaming] 843 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:38,630 - [suspenseful music] - [woman continues screaming] 844 00:49:44,760 --> 00:49:47,958 - What ya doin', Pipes? - Shit. You scared me. 845 00:49:49,160 --> 00:49:50,310 It won't stick. 846 00:49:50,400 --> 00:49:53,313 - I think I need dental glue. - Is that your tooth? 847 00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:56,234 Yeah. That Ginger guard made me fight Ruiz for it. 848 00:49:56,320 --> 00:49:58,312 - You fought Ruiz? - It was more like a hair pull. 849 00:49:58,400 --> 00:49:59,470 It was kind of weird. 850 00:49:59,600 --> 00:50:02,672 It was kind of like the guards had a bet or something. 851 00:50:02,760 --> 00:50:05,480 Probably. I mean, it is Mischief Night, after all. 852 00:50:05,560 --> 00:50:08,200 Where were you, anyway? You were supposed to meet me out there. 853 00:50:08,280 --> 00:50:10,636 I spent the holiday celebrating with your roommate. 854 00:50:10,720 --> 00:50:12,518 We did this really funny thing 855 00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:14,910 where we filled some girl's Oreos with toothpaste. 856 00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:16,593 She ate all of them anyway. 857 00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:18,512 She thought they were mint-flavored. 858 00:50:18,600 --> 00:50:22,719 You spent the day with that evil person? 859 00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:25,634 Relax, Piper. I did it for you. 860 00:50:25,720 --> 00:50:29,760 I asked her to leave you alone and she agreed, so problem solved. 861 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,280 Problem not solved. 862 00:50:31,360 --> 00:50:36,435 Now you are gonna owe her instead of me. You just shifted the focus from me to you. 863 00:50:36,520 --> 00:50:38,751 Maybe I made a friend where you had an enemy. 864 00:50:38,840 --> 00:50:41,833 Also, if we're gonna keep fighting, you should put in your tooth. 865 00:50:41,920 --> 00:50:43,400 Otherwise, I'm gonna laugh. 866 00:50:45,280 --> 00:50:46,999 But it won't stick. 867 00:50:48,280 --> 00:50:49,999 All right. Jesus. 868 00:50:53,200 --> 00:50:54,600 All right, come here. 869 00:50:56,960 --> 00:50:59,077 - Say, "Ah." - Ah. 870 00:50:59,200 --> 00:51:02,034 [Suzanne] Or you could shove them under someone's tongue. 871 00:51:02,160 --> 00:51:04,550 Or you could stick someone in their belly button. 872 00:51:04,640 --> 00:51:09,078 Although, I have heard some people's belly buttons are a tunnel to nowhere. 873 00:51:09,160 --> 00:51:11,675 And belly buttons tend to smell. 874 00:51:11,760 --> 00:51:14,116 And then your stick would be all smelly. 875 00:51:15,200 --> 00:51:17,431 There's the kidney punctures, 876 00:51:17,520 --> 00:51:19,910 liver punctures, spleen punctures, all the organ punctures. 877 00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:24,199 [gasps] Or you could do sticky things with the nether regions. 878 00:51:24,280 --> 00:51:26,078 Wait, both nether regions. 879 00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:29,915 I haven't thought of the nether regions. That's another category. 880 00:51:33,360 --> 00:51:34,510 [sighs] 881 00:51:51,800 --> 00:51:53,792 [toilet flushing] 882 00:52:28,440 --> 00:52:29,874 [sobbing] 883 00:52:36,680 --> 00:52:38,034 [muffled grunting] 884 00:53:05,720 --> 00:53:11,751 ♪ Learning how to know you ♪ 885 00:53:13,400 --> 00:53:17,997 ♪ Knowing how to be myself ♪ 886 00:53:19,520 --> 00:53:22,160 ♪ In your city ♪ 887 00:53:22,240 --> 00:53:24,550 ♪ On TV ♪ 888 00:53:24,680 --> 00:53:30,392 ♪ At the same time ♪ 889 00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:47,429 ♪ This isn't love ♪ 890 00:53:49,520 --> 00:53:55,357 ♪ Not in the way That I've been looking for ♪ 891 00:53:55,440 --> 00:53:59,957 ♪ Thank you for being ♪ 892 00:54:01,720 --> 00:54:05,953 ♪ Such a lovely individual ♪ 893 00:54:18,840 --> 00:54:21,912 Rough night? You and the rat pack hit up a titty bar? 894 00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:23,559 They're gone, Nicky. 895 00:54:23,640 --> 00:54:24,960 Who's gone? 896 00:54:25,040 --> 00:54:27,430 Nutella, Briar, Julius. 897 00:54:27,520 --> 00:54:29,318 All of 'em. They're all gone. 898 00:54:29,400 --> 00:54:32,916 [Nicky] Maybe they ran away because their names are so fucking weird. 899 00:54:33,040 --> 00:54:35,316 That is not funny. They're just kids. 900 00:54:35,400 --> 00:54:36,550 [Nicky] Mmm-hmm. 901 00:54:36,640 --> 00:54:39,109 What does the, uh, rat whisperer say about it? 902 00:54:39,200 --> 00:54:42,955 I think she thinks that Andrea has eaten her kids again. 903 00:54:43,040 --> 00:54:46,829 Mystery solved. Filicide. When a parent kills their child. 904 00:54:46,920 --> 00:54:49,799 My parents are guilty of it. Not in the literal sense. 905 00:54:49,880 --> 00:54:53,760 But, you know, still, I would argue that they have quite a lot in common 906 00:54:53,840 --> 00:54:55,593 with Mama Andrea Rat. 907 00:54:55,680 --> 00:54:57,034 [Swope] Hey, you two. 908 00:54:58,000 --> 00:55:00,390 - You're on mop duty with us. - Man, come on. 909 00:55:00,480 --> 00:55:03,518 You really need, uh, four people to mop one room? 910 00:55:03,600 --> 00:55:05,398 You questioning my cleaning strategy? 911 00:55:05,480 --> 00:55:07,437 Oh, no, ma'am. Cleanliness is godliness. 912 00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:10,638 [Cathy] Good morning, all you ghosts and ghouls out there. 913 00:55:10,720 --> 00:55:13,474 Today is Halloween, and you know what that means. 914 00:55:13,560 --> 00:55:15,438 You mind just turning it down a bit? 915 00:55:15,520 --> 00:55:18,354 I'm having trouble hearing the suicidal voice in my head. 916 00:55:18,440 --> 00:55:22,514 Oh, that's too bad. I like Cathy. Her talking relaxes me. 917 00:55:22,600 --> 00:55:25,638 You find that relaxing? Were you, um... Were you raised by farm animals? 918 00:55:25,720 --> 00:55:28,838 Hey. Less talking, more shutting the fuck up. 919 00:55:28,920 --> 00:55:30,320 See? He's on my side. 920 00:55:31,720 --> 00:55:33,120 - [volume increases] - Red sweaters. 921 00:55:33,200 --> 00:55:35,669 - Much better, thank you. - Beige sweaters. Black sweaters. 922 00:55:35,760 --> 00:55:39,197 Her voice kinda sounds like Nutella's, actually. 923 00:55:39,280 --> 00:55:42,398 - I think I can almost hear him. - I hear something, too. 924 00:55:42,480 --> 00:55:44,119 [Cathy] White sweaters. 925 00:55:44,200 --> 00:55:46,271 - Off-white sweaters. Brown sweaters. - [squealing] 926 00:55:46,360 --> 00:55:47,635 [Lorna] Oh, my God. 927 00:55:47,720 --> 00:55:49,996 [gasps] Nutella! 928 00:55:50,080 --> 00:55:52,436 Okay, last looks. Time to... 929 00:55:52,520 --> 00:55:55,752 [Cathy screaming] Help m e! 930 00:55:55,840 --> 00:55:57,240 - Nobody move. - They're killing me! 931 00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:59,835 - Hopper. Hopper, come in. - Help me! 932 00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:00,996 That's our cue. 933 00:56:03,440 --> 00:56:06,160 Lazlo! Augustine! Come here, baby. 934 00:56:06,240 --> 00:56:07,913 - Dump your buckets. - No thanks. 935 00:56:08,000 --> 00:56:09,354 Nicky, you gotta do it. 936 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:11,830 Do it. Should I tell Daddy you refused orders? 937 00:56:11,920 --> 00:56:12,990 [Lorna] Do it, Nicky. 938 00:56:13,080 --> 00:56:15,841 You don't want to be on his bad side. Or her bad side. Whatever it is. 939 00:56:15,880 --> 00:56:17,633 - Fuck me. [yells] - [Lorna] Nicky! 940 00:56:17,720 --> 00:56:20,110 Everyone follow me now in an orderly fashion. 941 00:56:20,200 --> 00:56:21,759 At least now they are free. 942 00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:24,150 And they have all the cheese they could want. 943 00:56:25,440 --> 00:56:27,376 - [Ginger] Did you hear that? - Of course I heard it. 944 00:56:27,400 --> 00:56:29,656 What should we do? We're supposed to take them to their shift. 945 00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:31,560 Hopper's on it. I'm taking mine back to D-Block. 946 00:56:31,600 --> 00:56:32,976 Take yours to the packing warehouse. 947 00:56:33,000 --> 00:56:35,160 They'll let us know when they figure out what that was. 948 00:56:35,240 --> 00:56:36,310 Copy that. 949 00:56:37,800 --> 00:56:39,917 [hissing and clicking tongue] 950 00:56:43,000 --> 00:56:45,231 Any idea who picked up Chatty Cathy? 951 00:56:45,320 --> 00:56:48,040 No idea. I think she might be a free agent. 952 00:56:48,120 --> 00:56:49,315 Thank God. 953 00:56:51,760 --> 00:56:56,630 Okay, ladies. Get to packing until we tell you otherwise. 954 00:56:57,440 --> 00:56:59,113 Let's, uh... Can we clean... 955 00:56:59,200 --> 00:57:01,396 Clean this. Clean those. 956 00:57:14,560 --> 00:57:15,676 Son of a mother! 957 00:57:15,760 --> 00:57:17,479 [inmates screaming] 958 00:57:32,160 --> 00:57:33,753 Fucker! [grunting] 959 00:57:35,880 --> 00:57:37,519 [Ginger] Everyone remain calm! 960 00:57:37,640 --> 00:57:39,632 Uh, the cheese has not been harmed. 961 00:57:39,720 --> 00:57:42,235 Uh, we'll wash it off. Nobody saw anything. 962 00:57:48,680 --> 00:57:49,716 [siren wails] 963 00:58:08,760 --> 00:58:11,400 [indistinct chatter on dispatch radio] 964 00:58:14,760 --> 00:58:16,717 Excuse me, I'm here to surrender. 965 00:58:16,800 --> 00:58:19,269 What did you do, son? Get into some mischief last night? 966 00:58:21,600 --> 00:58:23,432 Yeah, something like that. Yeah. 967 00:58:31,840 --> 00:58:34,912 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 968 00:58:37,560 --> 00:58:39,756 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 969 00:58:39,840 --> 00:58:44,790 ♪ There's a rat in my kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 970 00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:47,913 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 971 00:58:48,000 --> 00:58:49,434 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 972 00:58:50,400 --> 00:58:53,120 ♪ When you open your mouth You don't talk, you shout ♪ 973 00:58:53,200 --> 00:58:55,590 ♪ And you give every body the blame ♪ 974 00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:58,275 ♪ But when they catch you up They will shut you up ♪ 975 00:58:58,360 --> 00:59:00,920 ♪ And you got no one to blame ♪ 976 00:59:01,000 --> 00:59:06,280 ♪ There's a rat in my kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 977 00:59:06,360 --> 00:59:08,955 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 978 00:59:09,040 --> 00:59:10,838 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 979 00:59:14,160 --> 00:59:17,517 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 980 00:59:19,760 --> 00:59:22,275 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 981 00:59:22,360 --> 00:59:27,640 ♪ There's a rat in my kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪ 982 00:59:27,720 --> 00:59:30,235 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat That's what I'm gonna do ♪ 983 00:59:30,320 --> 00:59:31,879 ♪ I'm gonna fix that rat ♪ 984 00:59:35,240 --> 00:59:37,960 ♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, yeah ♪ 985 00:59:40,840 --> 00:59:43,071 ♪ Oh, yeah, yeah ♪ 986 00:59:43,160 --> 00:59:46,039 ♪ There's a rat in my kitchen What am I gonna do? ♪