[cell door slams]
[theme song playing]
[cell door slams]
[indistinct chatter]
Are you watching me sleep?
- What time is it? - Almost 7:30.
I haven't slept this well in months.
You and I are like yin and yang. I couldn't sleep a wink last night.
Have you ever tried progressive muscle relaxation?
You start with your toes and tense them as hard as you can.
Then relax completely.
And work your way up your body, all the way up to the top of your head.
How do you tense your head?
I don't know. Stop questioning my methods.
Where's your roomie?
She's been making herself quite scarce lately.
Come. Join me.
The water's fine.
And risk getting more shots? You know I can't.
Yes, you can. You're choosing not to. Own your free will.
[sighs]
Okay.
Aw.
Look at this. Mmm.
Isn't this nice?
It'd be nicer if you brushed your teeth.
[exhales sharply]
[sniffs]
- I'm not getting anything. - Really? 'Cause I'm getting Purina.
Oh, man.
- [Hellman] I said a line! Tighten up! - [Piper] Shh.
- [sighs] Well, that was fun. - No, no, no. Stay.
We can be a lump.
[Hellman] Don't look at me. Walk.
- [Piper] See? - [Alex sighs] This was a mistake.
[Piper] Shh. Be a lump.
You're hot-boxing me with your breath.
How? How am I hot-boxing you?
- No. - [sighs]
Peek-a-boo. Little sorority slumber party? All it's missing is the shots.
- Oh, come on. - Is that really necessary?
[Hellman] No licky-fishy in here unless I can watch.
And right now, I got shit to do.
Vause, get the fuck gone.
- Chapman, you're coming with me. - Where?
Do I have time to brush my teeth? Because apparently I need to.
How about I knock 'em all out and you never need to brush again?
Stay.
[woman speaking indistinctly on walkie-talkie]
Excuse me, do you know what this is about?
Do you know why we're seeing a case manager?
I don't know. But mi abuela used to say bad things come in threes.
First, they move my good bunk into a new cell block.
Second, I get my period this morning.
Can you really count your period as a bad thing
on a list of bad things if it comes every month?
I thought I was pregnant.
Hmm? You...
Hmm.
- Sorry to hear that. - Yeah.
And this is the third thing. Whatever this is.
Hey. [stutters] You know what this is about?
Time to make the donuts, kid.
Okay. One sec.
- I'm really... - Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
That's what I thought. Can't even fill it out right. [scoffs]
Usually, they come to pick you up around 11:00,
but with processing,
you're gonna wanna tell whoever you got coming,
at least an hour or so after that.
Unless they don't mind waiting.
Depends which guards they got on duty.
Is this for court?
Don't I get an arraignment to tell me what the charges are?
This is for release.
You're getting out tomorrow.
Where the fuck is my curling iron?
Why don't you use the drawer? Cleared it out for you.
Do you like the tiny diamonds or the little swoopy things?
You are a grown man.
You should be able to dress yourself by now.
Today's closing statements in Taystee's trial,
and I have a coffee with a journalist
from the Marshall Project about the MCC story.
I don't wanna look like an idiot.
That would be a miracle.
- Something else bothering you? - What?
'Cause you're being an even bigger bitch than normal.
You want to know what's bothering me?
You're getting all dressed up like you have some place to go,
but you don't have a job.
[stutters] You're choosing ties to be a spectator and have coffee.
I'm trying to make a difference here.
Yeah? Good luck with that.
I hope it's worth pushing your career off a cliff.
This is such garbage.
I don't believe you give a shit about my career.
- You want to know what I think? - I actually don't care.
I think you're picking a fight with me
for the same reason you won't take the fucking drawer.
This ain't some quick-fuck affair anymore.
This is real and real scares the crap out of you.
Or maybe I am just fine with real
and you don't know what you're talking about.
I might buy that, if you hadn't married a gay guy.
If you find the curling iron, fucking keep it.
[sighs]
Wow, you look like shit.
I'm not the one right now, Flaca.
[sighs] Is your back still fucked up?
Everything is fucked up.
Well, Flacacare has been providing
cheap and easy healthcare services since 1992.
We do accept pre-existing conditions
as long as it's not some nasty shit, like my baby cousin once had
where the worms came out of his butthole.
[chuckles] I don't know what's wrong with you,
but that was highly riffable.
Find your center before we commentator for tomorrow's kickball game.
I ain't commentatoring no kickball game.
Who am I supposed to bounce my witty observations off of?
Do whatever you did when I was gone.
Gloria? That bitch is too greedy with the mic.
Plus, I'm trying to pretend I don't know her like that,
so I don't get sent to SHU, too.
It's a long story.
Well, too bad.
'Cause I ain't got shit to say right now.
I don't think you know this,
but there is some, like, weird and tense shit going on
because of this kickball game.
So, they need us out there to bring laughter and insightful observations.
[sighs] You've been working this depressed look for way too long, honey.
It's time to switch it up.
Like Tía Mariana always says,
just because you ate a McGriddle for breakfast,
doesn't mean that you need to eat cheesecake
and bacon-wrapped hot dogs for the rest of the day.
You can always get a southwest chicken salad.
You can always get a southwest chicken salad, Cindy.
[scoffs]
So, uh, yeah.
Your services are no longer needed on the kickball field tomorrow.
Which of us are you talking to?
All of you.
It's our team, too! You can't do that. Who says?
They do.
[inmates grunt]
Do you bitches mind if we have these seats?
- Do I have to leave? - Of course not.
Adeola, you know you're good here.
[indistinct chatter]
You're a real jack-of-all-trades in here, aren't you, Adeola?
Down for a sacrament and a shanking in the same afternoon.
Yes, well, I was an evolutionary anthropologist in Lagos.
I was mainly interested in human behavior in a cultural context,
and the shifting dynamics of tribalism, and in particular,
how the disputes between social psychology and behavioral ecology
negotiated themselves on a micro scale.
That said, I will fuck up a bitch when necessary.
- [all laugh] - Girl, you're fucking hilarious, yo.
[Daddy] Everybody listen up.
I'm gonna go through some details,
and Barb has a few words she wants to say before you go.
So bring it in.
This is the signal. When I do this...
That's the signal for scissoring.
Fine. Uh, this is the signal.
That's the shocker.
That's the shocker for Trekkies.
Fuck it. When I throw the shocker for Trekkies,
that's the signal for you to charge.
Pregnant girl is gonna distract the guards with some fake labor pains,
and that will be the signal to move.
I'm gonna be so good at this.
There was this one time, I faked appendicitis
when I got caught shoplifting,
and they rushed me to the hospital and actually removed my appendix.
Plus, they never found the seven necklaces I had stashed in my hair.
My hair was very big back then.
[Daddy] Anyone who doesn't have a weapon needs to make one tonight.
There's extra supplies stuck to the bottom of this table.
Feel around for what you might need, but carefully.
You okay, Nick?
Huh?
Yeah, yeah. It is an honor just to be nominated.
I'll be out there.
There'll be plenty of C-Block slags out there.
You leave the bitch to me. Everybody got that? Carol is mine.
And I got Barb.
I want her to know it was me that did her.
She's gonna die looking into my eyes.
This is not an easy thing I'm asking you girls to do.
[Carol] I ain't gonna lie.
Some of you here won't make it into next week.
But C-Block will never let there be peace.
They wave with one hand
and they shiv us in the back with the other.
Fucking two-faced, worthless D-Block cunts! [spits]
I think it's pretty fucking obvious we don't have a choice here.
Our only option is to protect ourselves.
So tomorrow, when you head out onto that kickball field...
You stick 'em through to the red meat.
Make sure they don't get back up.
[stamping]
C-Block.
D-Block, D-Block, D-Block.
[all] C-Block.
C-Block.
D-Block, D-Block, D-Block, D-Block, D-Block.
C-Block! C-Block!
- D-Block, D-Block. - C-Block! C-Block! C-Block! C-Block!
[Suzanne] Since we have the booby traps now,
is it okay if I leave the cell and ask around
if anybody has heard about my friend Taystee?
I just never found out if she was okay,
and we were friends and I think we still are friends.
She might be mad at me for being a bad friend,
and I don't know, and I have this drop-y feeling happening
- in the middle of my chest right now. - Sure. Go ahead.
If somebody tries to kill me, I'll holler.
Okay.
Thanks, Frieda.
[knock at door]
Who is it?
Looks like I'm getting out. [chuckles]
Congratulations. What do you want?
Well, I was gonna offer you first dibs on some of my stuff,
but I guess I'll be on my way if you're too busy and too bitchy.
Yeah, I'm sorry. In a mood these days.
You got anything with, uh, vinyl chloride or isobutane in it?
Bitch, I can use this shit like Basquiat, but I'll be damned
- if I know the chemical compounds. - [chuckles softly]
[straining] Easy.
You okay?
Ah, hip's a little stiff. Been sleeping on the stool.
Can't be too careful.
So what you got planned for when they give you your freedom?
You heard of James Baldwin?
He one of the Baldwin brothers? I like Alec. Sexy!
In that manly man way, you know?
Like, he's got hair on his back but you don't mind.
[laughs]
James Baldwin was a writer, and black,
and gay and not particularly hairy.
Back when I was at my lowest,
when I wasn't sure I wanted to live,
I read a quote of his and it stayed with me.
"Freedom is not something anybody can be given.
Freedom is something people take,
and people are as free as they want to be."
You know what I want?
I want to walk outside and look at the sky.
If people are as free as they want to be,
I should be able to stroll out those doors, look up and see sky.
But I can't do that on account of the bars.
'Cause I ain't free.
[groans] I'll take these. What you want for 'em?
Consider it a parting gift. Farewell, with your cranky ass. [chuckles]
Give us! Us free! Give us! Us free!
Whoo! [chuckles]
Alex. Al?
♪ It's all here ♪
♪ Now, it's all here ♪
♪ Now, it's always been here ♪
♪ It's all right ♪
♪ Now, it's all right ♪
♪ Now, it's always been right ♪
♪ And stood here ♪
♪ All night ♪
Are you smelling the soap?
You know they got soap on the outside, right?
I just can't believe...
[whispers] We're getting out.
[chuckles] Gringuita, why the hell are you whispering?
[loudly] We're getting out of this place!
Doesn't it feel weird?
Everything you're gonna be leaving behind?
I'm leaving behind a musty wife beater,
a quarter bottle of Head & Shoulders,
and a bunch of petty bitches
that are the reason my elbow hurts when I straighten it.
[breathing deeply]
Out there?
I have a chance of starting a life.
[chuckles]
Diablo is going to go crazy out of his mind when I tell him.
I'm gonna come right out and say it.
We're ending Fantasy Inmate tomorrow.
- [Ginger] What? - What?
I'm just starting to heat up.
When the fuck did Alvarez become commish?
And why are we all pretending this painfully Caucasian guy is Hispanic?
It is not unusual for some Latino men to have fair pigmentation.
Martin Sheen was born Ramón Antonio Gerardo Estevez.
Fucking made that name up.
I think we might be getting off track.
There was an incident with an inmate
discovering Fantasy materials in an unsecure location.
And they were left by CO...
"Joel Luschek."
[scoffs]
I am joking, of course, as I knew it was Joel Luschek,
before I read it.
But I was pretending to read off the document for comedy.
[laughs mockingly] That is bullshit and you know it.
So some crazy inmate broke into my desk? Who was it?
Gloria Mendoza.
When Alvarez subdued her,
she was about to talk about our league on the radio.
She's cooling in the SHU for now,
but we ought to give Fantasy Inmate a rest.
He just wants to end it now because he's in first place.
This morning, I had an old biddie in Florida poo herself.
McCullough can vouch. Where does that put me?
Two points from that would put you in...
Yeah, last place.
Again, I knew she was in last place before I said it,
but I looked down and I pretended to read it off of the document for comedy.
All right. End of meeting. Everybody back to work.
A reminder to have all of your point submissions in by tomorrow evening.
The winner will be announced via text message.
[chuckles]
There better be some massive collisions
or a high-speed ball to the face during the game.
That's our last chance to catch up to Moneyball over there.
Hey, Hopper.
Are we canceling the kickball game now there's no more Fantasy Inmate?
Oh, no, it'll, uh, give the other guys a chance to catch up with the standings.
We're gonna be outnumbered out there, 20-1.
[chuckles] You got nothing to worry about.
Just gonna be a little roughhousing. But nothing serious.
This place is fucked.
Why do we even do Fantasy Inmate? It's horrible.
Let me ask you a question, McCullough.
Have you ever heard about us having a riot down here at Max?
You ever heard of any inmates injuring the guards?
Attacking the guards?
Can you think of one major incident?
Are you gonna make me come out and say it?
That's why we do Fantasy Inmate.
To keep them swinging at each other.
Because when they're swinging at each other,
they're not looking at us.
[chuckles] Let's not forget who the bad guys are.
[people in court gasp]
I'm showing you these photos not to disturb you,
though they are disturbing.
I'm showing them to you
so that you won't forget the seriousness of the crime.
So that you won't get hung up on a nickname or a sad childhood story
when you think about how multiple witnesses saw Tasha Jefferson
angrily shove a gun into this man's face,
threatening to kill him.
Moments later...
a brutal gunshot wound.
A gunshot wound that Dr. Styvver,
a medical examiner with decades of experience,
confirms as Desi Piscatella's cause of death.
Ladies and gentlemen,
defense counsel was wrong to say you have a choice here.
The law is very clear on this point.
If the evidence shows that Jefferson fired the gun that killed Desi Piscatella,
you must find her guilty.
Back in the group home,
we used to play this game called Guess That Shit.
It's where you're not allowed to say nothing,
but people gotta guess what you pretending to be
from the way you pretending it.
[sighs] When I got older, I found out white people call it charades.
But we called it Guess That Shit, because I act it out and you...
Guess that shit.
Exactly.
So I'm sitting in there and I'm watching this prosecutor lady,
and it feel like she playin' that same game.
Like I'm watching her mouth move, but ain't shit coming out.
And people nodding, man.
They nodding like they understand her.
I forgot to tell you.
Two of the girls who were filing suit against MCC
say they were doing it because of you.
I'm gonna ask the reporter to put it in the article.
If this...
[breathes deeply]
If this don't go my way,
I ain't going back to Litchfield.
I ain't spending the rest of my life in there.
Taystee, we shouldn't even be thinking about that possibility.
Look, I got two options that could happen when the jury comes back.
And I gotta think about both. I got to prepare for both.
You understand that?
Mr. Caputo, it's nice what you trying to do and all,
but the jury ain't gonna see some article.
But they did see you.
They saw you take that stand and shine.
They saw the Taystee I know, who wouldn't hurt anybody.
No.
Who inspired me,
'cause she wouldn't stop fighting and scraping for justice.
[sobbing] No! No! No!
Were you paying attention?
There ain't no justice.
Not for Poussey. [voice cracks] And not for me.
Then what am I doing here, Taystee?
What have we been doing this whole time?
Charades.
- [indistinct chatter] - [snorts]
[Blake] Come on, Diaz.
What... What's up?
You're late for visitation.
Oh, shit.
[breathes deeply] Yo. What's poppin', lady?
"What's poppin'"? Where's my fucking apology?
You had me waiting in that smelly-ass waiting room for an extra 20 minutes.
- Little kids farting around me and shit. - [chuckling]
Like I don't smell enough farts.
I'm sorry.
- That was funny. - I wanted to tell you...
- I was just saying it was funny. - I came up here to...
[sighs]
You know what? What? Go ahead.
No, I was just saying it was funny,
what you said about the kids farting and shit.
Will you just shut the fuck up and listen?
- God. - [sighs]
I came to tell you
that the shit's good with the Nutri Herbal situation we got going on.
With the shit we bringin' in,
I should be able to get the kids back in a couple of months.
Dope. I love kids.
What the hell are you talking about? Nobody loves kids.
I just don't want them in that moldy-ass foster home.
Yo, I was watching this Channel 7 news report
about how mold could be the silent...
killer.
- Everything good over there? - [stutters] Yeah. Everything's good.
- Everything's all right. - [Daya] Yeah.
[Aleida chuckles] It's all good.
Yeah, we're good.
- I forgot what we was talking about. - [sighs]
I was asking you how you was doing.
Shit, you know. I'm always good.
Yeah, well, that hasn't always been the case exactly with you.
You look pretty tired.
I just got a bunch of shit goin' on.
Yeah, then maybe you should go and get some rest then.
I'll talk to you another day.
Right.
I'm gonna go get some rest.
Bye, Mom.
Yeah.
[operator]...is attempting to contact you.
- To accept this call, please press one. - [cell phone beeps]
Baby.
[in Spanish]
Uh-huh.
[in English] No, are you actually sitting down?
No.
[in Spanish]
[in English] No. Actually, I got my period this morning.
[in Spanish]
[in English] Anal?
You know I've always wanted to try...
[in Spanish]
[in English] No.
I'm getting out.
[in Spanish]
[in English] You have to pick me up tomorrow.
Diablo?
[in Spanish]
[laughing]
[urinating]
- I know I've been MIA... - [yelps]
...and you hate when people bother you when you're on the toilet,
but I promise you'll think this was worth it.
I can't come in for obvious reasons,
so you're gonna have to have your mind blown from here.
I have something I need to tell you.
But hang on so you can finish peeing and I can show you this.
I know it's not a lot,
and we still have to find a way to grind them,
but this is real coffee.
Not that instant shit from commissary.
I think they might even be single origin.
I'm getting out of prison tomorrow.
[stutters] What are you talking about?
[flushes]
I thought that when they came to pick me up this morning,
Badison might have given me extra time,
but it turns out I got early release.
When?
Tomorrow.
Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. You said that.
- That's great. - Is it?
I thought we were gonna have five more months together.
I thought that we were gonna get prison married,
with all of our friends.
And have a honeymoon in a utility closet or something.
So now we'll get real world married,
and we'll have a honeymoon in Fiji or Iceland,
or somewhere else we can have a miserable time.
Like normal people.
I hate normal people.
Think about it. You'll get to pee alone with no one bothering you.
And you're not gonna...
You're not gonna need these.
You're gonna be able to drink all the single-origin coffee you want.
You'll be able to pee alone
and drink single origin coffee at the same time if you want.
I know I should be happy.
But I'm scared.
I don't wanna leave you.
Trust me. This is a good thing.
You're getting out of prison.
Now fucking hug me already.
Don't fuck it up like I did.
Bésame mucho, mami.
Don't give me that shit right now. I'm not in the mood.
What's up?
I went up to the prison today to visit Daya.
And she was all giggly and laughing and shit.
That sounds good.
But then she got all sleepy.
Isn't Daya always sleepy?
[stutters] You remember Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street?
Shut the fuck up and let me finish.
She fell asleep in the middle of us talking.
And her eyes was all fucked up.
She was high.
- Oh. - Oh?
My daughter's a fucking junkie and all you got to say is, "Oh?"
What do you want me to say?
You knew she was getting high, didn't you?
Coming in here all "bésame mucho,"
while my daughter's pouring fucking heroin down her throat!
I thought you knew.
[stutters] We're bringing heroin into the prison and giving it to her.
To distribute! To other people!
A Latin mother would never sell drugs to her own kids!
Okay. I... I'm sorry, I'm still learning the culture.
- [scoffs] - Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me.
We don't have to keep doing this.
It's... It's not like it's some big operation.
It's just me walking through security with a tub.
I got inmates threatening me. I mean, it's a dirty, illegal operation
that could end really badly.
Let's just stop.
[scoffs] And then what?
I don't get my kids back and somebody else brings drugs in there
for her to get high.
[sighs]
What are you saying?
I'm saying I want my kids back.
I still got a chance to save them.
♪ "This night is cold," he said ♪
♪ As he turned from the dark ♪
♪ And moved towards the amber light That glowed ahead ♪
♪ "I'll come along," she spoke ♪
♪ Her eyes remaining on the snow ♪
♪ That collected softly in her palm ♪
[buzzer sounds]
[indistinct chatter]
Hi.
[Lorna] I also have a very narrow pelvis.
And that's why I never had sex with a black guy.
You would be surprised what the human body can accommodate.
Hey, uh, Lorna. Sorry to interrupt. Can I talk to you for a second, alone?
Anything you have to say to her, you can say in front of me.
And that is my impression of my first husband.
[both laugh]
[Lorna] Oh, my goodness. So funny.
You never know what you're gonna get with this one.
I mean, she's a real wildcard.
[Nicky] Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
So, uh, I got a message last night from this book,
and something fucking bonkers is gonna happen today.
No kidding. I've been up all night practicing my fake labor pains.
You want to see it? Okay. Ready?
[imitates groaning]
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuck, fuck. Fuck.
[fake groaning] Fuck.
You know this is basically just your O face, right?
Trust me, doll. I've seen it enough times. It's seared into my cerebellum.
But this ain't kickball related. Come on.
We need to get some supplies.
It's our last day together.
What could be more important than some TLC? Some QT?
STFUP.
Oh. P is for Piper.
Okay, look. Trust me.
This is way better than coffee beans, all right?
We got to be quiet because
I don't want spend your last day here in Ad Seg.
We're supposed to be going to the salon.
- Oh, but we're not. - No. We're not.
[Hellman] ♪ Love the way the booty go ♪
[Hellman whistling]
♪ Love the way the booty go ♪
[Piper] What is he doing?
I think he's singing the "Thong Song,"
but only one line of it over and over again.
[Piper] But why?
Well, uh, either he really likes pop singles from the early 2000s
or he really likes booty.
My money is on the booty.
Nicky! Oh!
Surprise!
I can't believe you were gonna ditch us poor losers without saying goodbye.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God! Lorna!
You're so pregnant.
[Lorna] Seven months! I think it's a boy.
I've been craving salt, and my hair is very lustrous. Feel.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Oh, Chapman.
Now this could be the last time you feel my hair.
I'm gonna miss you.
- [both crying] - [Luschek clapping]
All right, then. You got 20 minutes.
Oh, uh, congratulations. I'm happy for you both.
I cannot believe that you did all of this.
Like you would have let me live it down if we didn't get prison married.
Shall we proceed?
Tempus fugit.
[exhales sharply]
[in funny voice] Marriage...
- [Lorna chuckles] - No, I'm sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Um, yeah.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the...
Oh, oh, no, no. Wait, wait! Sorry.
You got to guess what I have.
It's tucked inside my titties.
It's old, new, borrowed and blue.
[gasps] Luschek's testicles.
No, those aren't new.
Ah.
Okay, so it is an old toothbrush
that is a new shiv
that I borrowed from Adeola, [in sing-song] that happens to be blue.
Why don't you just give that to me?
I do not want this thing anywhere near the fetus.
- [Lorna] Hmm. - [Nicky] Now, where were we?
[Nicky clears throat]
We are gathered here today,
standing under this janky wedding awning,
because you two crazy kids want to get married.
In the confines of this shithole,
somehow, you two managed to find each other again,
to forgive each other,
to love each other.
And I am honored just to be a part of it,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, amen.
So now, maybe it's time for the vows?
Or hugs?
[clears throat]
- Okay. Piper... - You wrote vows?
Hang on. It's just because I'm not good at this.
And I didn't want to, like, ruin the surprise.
Okay.
It's hard to know what promise I can make to you
that won't sound like a bunch of clichés that people say at weddings.
So, I wanted to make a promise that fits us,
considering the distance that we covered to get here
and how far we'll have to go before we can be together again.
But to do that,
I have to talk about something that's uncomfortable to bring up.
There was a time when I hurt you.
And I did something unforgivable.
And I don't think that I can express, in words,
the guilt and regret that I feel
for having done that, um, to you,
the person that I care about most.
So, my promise is to make it up to you every day.
In small, quiet ways.
For the rest of our life together.
[Nicky] Hey, hey, hey.
I didn't say you could kiss the bride yet.
[sobbing] No, no, no. Let them kiss, you monster.
Okay. So is it my... It's my turn?
The floor is yours.
I really wish I'd had some time to prepare. This is so unfair.
[chuckles]
When I was a little girl, I used to think...
- Nope. No. No, no. Okay. Here we go. - [Alex chuckles]
Okay.
Life comes in moments...
Al, I don't even know what that means.
- It's fine. Just... Okay. It's me, right? - Mmm-hmm.
So, what do you want to say to me?
I want you to promise me
that you'll get out of here.
I need you.
You're my partner.
Get out of here as soon as you possibly can
so that I can be with you.
Do you promise me that you'll do that?
I will. [sighs]
Though that's not really a vow. [chuckles] It's more of a demand.
Okay.
Then my vow is to wait for you.
[Nicky] Wait, wait, wait.
Don't kiss again yet. Lorna, the rings.
[gasps]
Oh, shit, yo.
Yo. Is this a wedding? Mazel tov!
Our little Chapman is getting sprung from this joint today,
so we thought we'd do something special.
How about that?
Damn. You gonna be out walking around and shit.
How do you feel?
I don't know how I feel.
I feel weird.
I keep thinking about everything I'm gonna be missing out on.
How stupid is that?
Pretty fuckin' stupid.
- [Black Cindy and Flaca cheer] - [Piper] Whoo!
Oh, congratulations.
- All right. - Oh, my bad. My bad. Go ahead. I'm sorry.
- Uh, shall we exchange the rings? - [clears throat] Yeah.
Alex, place this ring at the tip of Piper's finger.
[Piper gasps]
[Nicky] Do you, Piper, accept this key ring from Luschek's key chain
he was using to hold a Duane Reade savings card
as a token of Alex's eternal appreciation and love?
I do.
Then, Alex, please slide that fucker on there.
- A-ha. - [gasps]
Thank you. [smacks lips]
[Nicky] Piper, will you place this ring at the tip of Alex's finger?
Do you, Alex, accept this contraband paperclip
we found in the law library in a book about the landmark case
Bottoms v. Bottoms, which sounds fascinating,
as a token of Piper's eternal appreciation and love?
I do.
Well, then slide that fucker on there.
And now, by the power vested in me by some website I forget the name of,
and the Federal Department of Corrections,
I now pronounce you prison married.
- And you may kiss the bride. - [crying]
And you may kiss the bride.
[Lorna laughing and crying]
[Lorna] Oh, honey.
- Red would've loved this. - I know, kid.
- I wish she could be here. - Me, too.
But you cannot be in two places at once, now can ya?
At least that's what my middle son's dad used to always say
when he wasn't...
- [imitates drinking] - [inmate 1] Shut the fuck up, Cathy!
- Drinking himself into forever sleep. - [inmate 1] Quiet, bitch!
[Cathy] You are listening to WSHU,
solitary's finest radio broadcast.
Sounds like the people have spoken. You might wanna zip it.
Uh...
Attagirl.
[inmate 2] Thank fucking God.
Hey.
So, how was your day?
Okay, so you can hear me?
Okay, listen. Uh, I hate that you're in here.
I hate that I'm in here. I fucking miss camp.
It sucks stubble-covered itchy balls here.
I want to go back to when people didn't give a shit about what I did.
[chuckles] Teaching electrical.
Rolling jays on the outdoor tables.
This... This place is harsh.
Now I'm exercising all the time...
[Gloria] Boo-fucking-hoo.
You think it's hard for you in here?
Playing games. Having girls shiv each other.
How many points did you get when I got dragged into SHU?
I actually don't have you.
Also, I'd appreciate it if you didn't tell anyone about...
Who the fuck am I gonna tell in here, Luschek?
I can't believe that I thought that you would do something.
There's gonna be a bloodbath out there and it's all on you.
[scoffs] A bloodbath? Come on.
It's gonna be some hair pulling. A few fights.
Don't play stupid.
You probably brought in the fucking razor blades.
[stutters] I don't know anything about people bringing weapons...
Well, now you know.
But you still not gonna do nothing, right?
[Gloria] Uh-huh.
That's what I thought.
Get your fucking face away from here.
[bangs on door]
I don't wanna fucking see it no more.
[sighs]
[Red] You know, he did get one thing right.
Yeah?
What's that, Red?
This place sucks balls.
[breathes deeply] You think?
Camp was 20 times better.
Even with you burning rice in the kitchen.
[chuckles]
[both chuckle]
♪ Hollow one ♪
♪ With inverted tongue ♪
Come on. It's time.
♪ From whence does fulfillment come? ♪
♪ When I expel ♪
♪ From this mortal shell ♪
♪ Will I die for living numb? ♪
♪ Am I vital ♪
♪ If my heart is idle? ♪
♪ Am I doomed? ♪
♪ I feel you ♪
♪ But nobody else ♪
How are you? You okay?
Look at me. We need to stay positive, okay?
♪ Yet you say nothing ♪
♪ Of the stoic suffering ♪
♪ That stirs lukewarm in me ♪
[Judge Franklin] Please be seated.
I've been informed that the jury has reached a verdict.
Let's have the jury return.
[bailiff] All rise for the jury.
♪ I feel the peeling ♪
♪ Of half-painted ceilings ♪
♪ Reveal the covering of a blank sky ♪
♪ Am I vital... ♪
Please be seated.
Let the record reflect, all jurors present,
all attorneys present.
Will the defendant and counsel please rise?
Madam Foreperson, has the jury reached a verdict?
Yes, we have, Your Honor.
As to charge of murder in the second degree, what is your verdict?
[foreperson] We the jury, find the defendant, Tasha Jefferson...
[crying inaudibly]
- [people in court react inaudibly] - [gavel banging]
- [continues crying inaudibly] - [handcuffs click]
[Caputo] Hey!
Hey!
- What do you want? - I know what you did.
I know you lied, and that girl went down for your shit!
You think I'm gonna let you get away with that?
Fuck you.
- [Herrmann grunts] - [Caputo groaning]
Prison weddings are so much better than regular weddings
'cause our lives are sadder. We need it more.
When Vinnie and me got married,
I maybe went a whole week before
I remembered I was in here against my will.
You do realize that the wedding you just attended was a C-Block wedding, right?
No, it wasn't.
Yes, it was.
Piper and Alex are C-Block.
Yeah, but they didn't choose to be.
Right. Right, right, right. Just like everyone else in C-Block.
I mean, just like you and me didn't choose to be D-Block.
But what is your point?
'Cause I feel like you're saying words to confuse me right now.
My point is that it is stupid to go to war with people
just because of whatever fucking cell block they randomly got assigned to,
or the stupid fucking color that they wear.
Well... But they're trying to attack us.
Nicky, we have to fight back. We're in danger.
But what if they're just attacking us because they think we're attacking them?
Oh, my God.
No. We can't go out there, Nicky.
Jesus fucking Christ, thank you!
I was worried for a minute there,
- but I knew a wedding could turn you. - [buzzer sounds]
- [Stefanovic] D-Block! - Shit.
- Where are we going? - Away from them.
[Ginger] You got one minute, Chapman.
You have Cal's cell and my parents' phone.
Make sure you put this on your call list as soon as you can.
No, I'm not gonna wait to talk to you.
I'll get my hands on one of the cell phones floating around.
No. No, Alex, you're not gonna do that.
If you do that, you'll get shots, which means extra time,
which means it's gonna be even longer before I can touch you again.
All right, ladies and garbage! Line up for kickball!
I heard him use that line before.
Maybe it's like a catchphrase.
Yo, Captain. You coming to the field?
No. I'm getting out.
I see you.
- Shit, congrats. - Can I get your conditioner?
No. I bequeath all of my belongings to my next of kin.
Damn. After all that, can't believe you're gonna miss kickball.
[scoffs] It's probably for the best.
- [Alex groans] - What the fuck, Badison?
[whispering] Carol says she wants another soldier on the field,
- so get in line and get ready to use this. - [Alex scoffs]
Happy release day, Gapman!
I would've got you something,
[chuckles] but, uh, you're a stupid bitch who I never liked.
[Ginger] Chapman, time's up!
What was that?
- Don't worry about it. - About what?
Chapman, do you want to leave this place or not? Let's go!
Okay, I love you and I'm gonna miss that worried look on your face,
but right now, I need you to trust that you do not need to worry about me.
Chapman, I am happy to tell the parole board
- that you resisted orders. - I trust you.
- I love you. - Going once...
- Going twice... - Coming!
Fuck!
All right. File out.
Psst. Gringuita, you still ain't realized?
This is the best day of your life.
How you holding up, kid?
[sighs] With all the running and the hiding in the small spaces,
Little Carmine's going crazy.
- Carmine, huh? - Yeah.
Tell Carmine to chill.
We're hangin' tight. It's all good.
- All good. - [thud]
[whispers] Be cool.
[clatters]
- [whispers] I'm so sorry. - [Annalisa] Who's there?
Don't go.
[Nicky] Hey, Annalisa!
Fancy meeting you here.
Ain't you supposed to be on the kickball field?
Picking up a weapon I stashed.
What the fuck were you doing in there?
Would you believe I was doing the exact same thing?
I mean, great minds, huh?
I'm sick of your shit, Nichols.
If you were picking up a weapon, where the fuck is it?
You wanna see a proof of purchase?
We should get going.
Oh, yeah, big time.
You wouldn't wanna be tardy to the murdering.
Hurry up, let's go.
Fuck! No, no, no. Baby, not now!
[groaning]
What took you so long?
[sniffs]
It's clean. There's no reason it wouldn't be clean.
Everything go smoothly on your end?
My girls are primed. Yours?
They're soldiers. They'll do what they're trained to do.
Meaning?
Meaning, in a few minutes, when the carnage starts,
there'll be a shit ton of Florida kickball fans
getting rushed from the bleachers back to their cell block.
And when they come down this hall,
we're gonna slide right into B-Block with 'em.
Do what we should've done 25 years ago.
I hope that thing's sharp.
Sharp enough to slice that octopus tattoo right off Frieda's neck.
[both laugh]
Good. You know, and if it's not...
I brought extra. [chuckles]
Yeah.
[Suzanne] Even though I couldn't figure out
if Taystee was mad at me,
but I don't think she is, because if she were mad at me,
I would know, because we're basically 16th cousins...
- [Pennsatucky] Yo, Suzanne... - It worked.
[chuckles]
[Pennsatucky] What the...
Suzanne, we're lining up for kickball. Let's go.
Oh. Someone tried to murder Frieda, so we're staying in.
- Safety first. - It's the championships.
How will we win without our best player?
I don't know. I guess you'll lose?
[scoffs] Come on, we're going outside.
We finally get to go outside and look at the clouds
and the trees and all that shit.
I want to go outside and see that stuff,
but I can't go.
[Pennsatucky] Why not?
I just can't. Nothing I can do about it.
[smacks lips]
Suzanne, you should go.
You don't have to be stuck in here with me.
Go outside and look at the sky.
Mmm.
- Are you gonna go, too? - [chuckles]
We could bodyguard you from there.
Shit, yeah! There's gonna be all these old bitches from Florida.
They'll be spectating. Come watch with them.
Nah, kid. That's all you.
I'm an old dog. Can't change my ways.
That's how I stay safe.
Well, then, I'm not going either.
No. You're going outside.
No, I am not going to leave you, Frieda.
I am your friend,
and friends aren't supposed to do that to each other.
Go. I'm not your friend.
What?
No, she didn't mean that.
You didn't fucking mean that.
And you better fucking tell her you didn't mean that. Tell her.
Suzanne, sometimes people pretend to be your friend
when they're not your friend. To get things.
You aren't pretending. You are my friend.
I'm not your friend.
I've been using you for survival.
That's what I do. It's what I've always done.
That's how I like it.
Yo, check it out.
- [cawing] - [gasps]
I can't believe I really hit it!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
What? I was just trying to clear the field.
[Maria] Ay, mami.
Are you okay, mami? [winces] You okay?
Yeah.
Yo, here they come!
Chill. Not yet.
Damn, it is kinda idyllic out on this bitch, though.
Eyes on the fucking prize, ladies.
Why's everyone so fuckin' tight?
This outside shit ain't gonna last forever.
And they'll be sad when it's done. 'Cause I sure fuckin' was.
Well, maybe they're a bunch of fuckin' dummies.
That's right, Suzanne. Maybe they are a bunch of fuckin' dummies.
Nah, this ain't me.
What are you doing?
- Um, I need your help. - You what?
I'm asking you to let the captains pick new teams.
Get back on the field, inmate.
I can't explain it fully.
But if you don't want this game to end in a lot of people getting hurt,
I need you to let the captains pick new teams.
- Is that a threat? - No, no.
I'm asking for your help.
You think I don't remember you?
I remember what you did to us.
Yeah, I... I know what I did.
I was an evil person.
But right now, in this moment, I'm trying to be good. Please.
[exhales sharply]
Everything here is trying to keep these girls swinging at each other,
and I just want...
I just want to play kickball.
Why should I trust you?
I don't know.
Where's your captain? Chapman?
- Chapman got out today. - Oh, shit. Good for her.
What? She's the reason we're out here.
Looks like, uh... [in deep voice] I'm the captain now.
- I see you look at me. Eyelooker. - [blows air kisses]
Okay, everybody, line up. The captains have to pick new teams.
- Oh, no, no, no. We got our teams. - [indistinct chatter]
C-Block's our team!
D-Block's the only team I'm gonna play for!
You heard her.
This is, uh, prison kickball policy.
On the baseline or everybody goes back inside.
- [inmate] Oh, fucking bullshit! - Captains, with me.
[whispering] What the fuck is Ruiz doing? Barb's gonna be pissed.
[Nicky] Well, correct me if I'm wrong,
but I don't see Barb out here, do you?
That doesn't change shit.
Okay, you go first.
Who, me? Oh, okay. [scoffs] I got Brock.
[Brock] Yeah.
[Maria] You, I got you.
[inmates gasp]
Okay, I got Akers, Creech, Chambal, Diamond...
One at a time.
You, I got you.
[indistinct chatter]
Yo, where's Carol at?
I don't fucking know. Doesn't matter. We stick to the plan.
Mixing up teams ain't gonna do shit.
These colors don't run.
[rock music playing over headphones]
♪ I'm gonna make you rock ♪
♪ Get down... ♪
No fucking way.
- [engine sputtering] - Come on!
[engine revving]
♪ So get down ♪
♪ I'm gonna make you rock ♪
♪ Get down ♪
♪ I'm gonna make you rock ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, my, Maya!
I will be with you in just one moment.
What the fuck do you think you're doing here, huh?
And why do you look like a POW?
Actually, don't answer that question because I don't want to know.
I won't let you ruin this moment for me. I have worked too hard.
Oh, God. Nicolette was totally right about you.
You are textbook avoidant-attachment.
There's a guy at Michael Kors corporate...
- Fig! - Oh!
Oh, my God! Security!
Uh, Joe, this is Jason.
Jason, this is an early hominid male.
Oh. So, this is Mr. Fig.
- Mr. Fig. - [Jason] Hello.
Mr. State Senate Fig. [chuckles softly]
Where's Gavin?
- [Fig] Okay, then. Let's go. - [Caputo] Whoa!
[whispering] What are you doing here?
I don't know.
I knew you'd be here.
- Taystee, uh... - I know.
I saw. I'm sorry.
Put this on your eye.
Come on. Let's go.
So, uh, you're hanging out with JJason again, huh?
That's just for show.
- [guests applauding] - I'm not in there with him, am I?
[Linda over PA] I'm sure I speak for everyone at PolyCon
when I say it has been a long road...
[Caputo] You're missing your event.
[Linda] But here we are! [continues indistinctly]
- [guests applauding] - I know.
So, you finally bought the coat, huh?
Shut up, Joe.
We're back with your girl DIY Fly Flaca,
and your other girl...
Hi, everybody, it's Tova again.
I don't really know much what's going on on the field,
but the team that's far away
is looking extra cute with those jackets inside-out.
New winter fashion trend?
Yo, I'm sorry. I... I can't be...
You gotta stop this shit.
You need to forgive yourself for testifying against your girl.
You know about that?
Bitch, I've been knowin'.
Ever since you wigged out about that anonymous letter.
I may sound dumb, but my dumbness is highly cultivated
to make me more attractive to insecure men.
- So you done with me? - Did I say that?
[inmates shouting indistinctly]
Some of these girls are out there on the field doing nothing.
Now, I'm no expert,
but I have to assume that's a big disadvantage.
You talking about outfielders
and that's their job.
They wait. They're waiters.
Like they bring you salad and shit?
Oh, oh, oh!
We got a runner on the base and Adeola is up with the kick.
You waiters out there in the outfield,
y'all better do your jobs
and watch out for them pop flies in the soup.
[chuckles]
Why you letting these bum-ass D-Block bitches go first?
We don't even know if they can kick.
Because we're not here to play fucking kickball.
We're here to slice some bitches up.
The plan's still the same. Okay?
When the next kicker's up,
I'll throw the shocker for Trekkies to our girls in the outfield,
and they'll start charging in.
You guys follow their lead.
Vause, you handle the girls on the bench,
so they don't attack us from behind.
What the fuck are we waiting for?
Where's your friend? What's-her-name.
Pregnant girl. We need her to distract the guards.
I thought she was with you.
I say we move without her.
[Daddy] All right.
[inmates cheering]
Where's your shiv?
It's in my pocket.
I want to see it.
[sighs]
Good. Here we fuckin' go.
All right. That's my girl, Suzanne, headed up the plate,
- with two runners on. - [Flaca] Whoo-hoo!
[cheering]
[Badison] Fuck it! Don't catch it!
- [grunts] I got it! - [inmates cheering]
Dang.
I got it!
- Steal! Go! Steal! Steal! - [indistinct shouting]
Come on! Come on! Give me! Give me!
[Flaca] Go, go, go!
You gotta be fucking kidding me.
[all clamoring]
Run, run! Bring it home!
Don't cheer for them. They're D-Block!
Why are you still fighting? Look around.
Nobody wants this war. Not even Carol.
[inmates cheering]
Shit. She's gonna make it.
The black one is always the first to die.
Damn, I got crazy good aim! Whoo!
Barb's gonna kill us if we don't rush these C-Block bitches now!
Barb is not here. All right?
Let her be pissed. All right?
Maybe in the abstract, D-Block has beef with C-Block,
but I don't have beef with any of these girls. Do you?
What? We're down one-zip.
This is fucking weird if you ask me.
Something must have gone wrong out there.
[Barbara] Yeah?
You think so?
You got something to say to me, Barb?
Are you threatening me, Carol?
That depends what you got planned, Barb. 'Cause I'm here to kill Frieda.
Bullshit.
Bull-true.
[inmates cheering]
C-Block cheering for D-Block? Shit. There go our Fantasy points.
No.
Everybody knows you're a fucking liar.
Now move away from the door.
Call me a liar again, you two-faced bitch.
You stole that glass of ice story from me
and that makes you a fucking liar,
and I will call you one.
Now move away from the goddamn door.
Can't do that until you put that shiv away.
And that glass of ice story happened to me.
You probably don't remember 'cause you had so much cum on the brain
from all the blow jobs you were giving in the bathroom.
Fucking liar!
Barbara! Carol! Wanna hear something funny?
- Sure. - Yeah, sure.
See that guy over there?
An hour ago, when this place was packed, I pass by his table.
He asks me can he have a classifieds.
And I'm like, first of all, he's sitting in Tonya's section.
Second of all, I got five tables of my own I got to deal with.
And third of all, who says it like that?
Like, "Can I have a classifieds?"
But I'm trying to be a good Christian,
and I don't want to mess with Tonya's tips,
so I go out to the sidewalk,
use a quarter of my own money,
buy this man a paper,
pick out the classifieds section,
and when I bring it to his table, guess what he say?
- What? - What?
He say, "Well, what's this?"
To which I reply, "The classifieds you asked for."
To which he reply, "I asked for a glass of ice."
[all laughing]
That's a good story.
[grunting]
That's double points for murdered and murderer.
You just won Fantasy Inmate.
In your face!
♪ Like there's no light At the end of my tunnel ♪
[indistinct chatter]
♪ False dreams and promises ♪
- [guard 1] Here you go. - [inmate] Yeah.
♪ How do I get through to you? ♪
♪ Tried to do the best I could ♪
- [guard 2] Here you go. - [guard 3] Here you go.
♪ Loved you just like a girl should ♪
- [inmates shouting] - [chuckling]
♪ Somewhere ♪
Ooh, ooh! Oh, we got one runner on the base!
[Flaca over radio] Speaking of games, this reminds me of Eric,
who told me he liked me but couldn't date me
because he wasn't over his ex.
But then I found out he was making out with some Asian girl
after football practice.
♪ And I want you to be free ♪
- Can I get a nurse out here? - [groaning and crying]
♪ Don't worry about me ♪
♪ I got my thing ♪
♪ Stay close to the edge And try to admit it ♪
♪ That you gave it away ♪
And to bring PolyCon forward into that era,
I would like to announce our first step
into a new market brimming with untapped potential.
Immigration detention centers!
♪ I found a one-way street, that's me ♪
♪ Still hanging on to set you free ♪
♪ Make you believe ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
[sobs]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughing]
♪ It's just the two of us ♪
♪ And I want you to be free ♪
[Cal] Pipes.
- [laughing] Pipes! - Cal! Hi! [squeals]
- [Cal] Hi. - Hi.
Neri doesn't like to be on her feet too long with the...
So she's home making some Smitten Kitchen casserole
that involves chard. [chuckles]
Let's be cool and get the fuck outta here before they change their minds.
[Piper laughing]
Oh, man. Oh, man.
Hang on just one second. I'll be there in just one sec.
- Okay. Car's right over here. - Okay.
[cheering]
♪ Stay close to the edge ♪
♪ And try to admit it ♪
♪ That you gave it away ♪
♪ When you started to care ♪
♪ And I cared ♪
♪ A long, long time of mine ♪
♪ I waited for you to come around ♪
♪ I found a one-way street, that's me ♪
♪ Still hanging on to set you free ♪
♪ Make you believe ♪
♪ I'm yours ♪
[sighs]
So, what are you gonna do now?