Chapman to processing. Chapman to processing.
I know I said toasted, Scott.
If you cover it with a paper towel,
it'll still be warm when I finish the cavity search.
- Take the N train. - Thank you.
Off you go.
Cough.
You can do better than that. Shake out that pink.
What could I possibly be trying to take out of prison?
It's procedure. Don't look for logic. Stand up.
Change into these.
Hurry up. Some of us have bagels to eat.
Do you understand you will be subjected to a urinalysis upon your return
and said test is your own financial responsibility?
Yes.
You may not purchase, sell, possess, use, consume, or administer
any narcotic drugs, marijuana, alcohol, or intoxicants of any form
or frequent places where such articles
are unlawfully sold, dispensed, used, or given away.
- That was really impressive. - Thanks.
I sing it to the tune of Poker Face in my head to remember.
Lady Gaga? You wanna hear?
No, that... that's okay.
Go ahead, little bird. Fly free.
Pipette!
Is that your ride?
Pegged you more for a yuppie than a hippie.
See you in 48 hours, inmate.
Come inside the Green Machine!
Oh!
What?
Why does it smell like tempura?
Oh, yeah, vegetable oil. Get hip to it.
Neri barters with this Teppanyaki place up the road from us.
Yuki loves Neri's fairy coats.
What's up?
Just can't believe she's dead.
I know. I know.
If it makes you feel any better, you didn't miss much.
She just slept for a few days,
and then the sleep stopped being temporary.
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
I told her for you.
She knew, Piper.
Ready? Seat belts, please.
Next.
Three Mrs. Dash's Table Blend,
four lemon juices, five adobo powders, and two onion powders.
Whoo-wee, chickadee.
What do you need with all these spices these days?
Oh, that's none of your business.
You must have a pretty hefty fund, huh?
Those no-good sons finally doing the right thing?
Dmitri hit it big with a scratcher ticket?
Don't you dare talk about my family.
Maybe your little market turned around
in spite of the economy and everything.
Let's keep the line moving, inmates.
- The spices, please. - All righty.
It just warms my heart to see you finding your way in here,
settling in with the AARP crowd.
Gardening looks like a comfortable little life.
Next.
Nicky. Nicky!
I need a favor.
Well, that's gonna cost you.
What's your price?
Oatmeal pies.
The Little Debbie ones that leave that oily residue all over your hands,
but are still somehow delicious.
Done.
I need you to bring all the girls to the greenhouse tomorrow...
at dinnertime.
That'll run you two boxes. And if you want my opinion,
you're going about this all wrong.
This is going to be really special.
You know, another layer of icing on a shit cake
doesn't make it taste good.
I don't understand what you...
Well, you know what you haven't said, Red?
498! Interfering with a staff member in performance of duties.
Didn't your boyfriend teach you how to treat a staff member, Floppy Tits?
That's a shot! Hey! What's on your shirt there, Pigpen?
Shit? Tears? Potato chips? 330! Being unsanitary.
Shot! I don't like your face. 312. Insolence. Shot!
Huh.
Mendez is back, bitches.
What the hell is he doing here?
Why, yes, John, it's a beautiful morning.
Peaceful, even.
He endangers the inmates, and you know it, sir.
I mean, it can't even be legal to have him here, can it?
- Would you like to have a seat? - No.
His suspension is up, so we're gonna have to deal with it.
And between you and me,
some of the administration feel there's a job to do.
No one else is up to the task.
I'm up to the task.
Good. Prove it.
I will.
Why don't we start with why you're here. In your opinion.
Well, it was... suggested to me...
by more than one person.
So... Uh, Dr. Maser...
Oh, just "Chris, " please. I'm not a doctor.
Maybe this was a bad idea.
Well, it's okay to be uncomfortable, Sam.
It's a feeling I would encourage you to embrace.
Embrace it? I live it.
My whole life is uncomfortable.
All these women, criminals, bureaucratic idiots.
I don't even feel at home in my own home anymore.
And now I'm sitting in an office with some weird painting of frogs,
which I'm guessing is supposed to be soothing.
Sam, I'm hearing a lot of stress.
Yeah, well, that doesn't even begin to cover it, okay?
Do you like your job?
I used to. I really did.
I felt useful.
And what changed?
Hell if I know.
I got older.
Maybe I care less.
Maybe I've seen enough to know that I won't make a difference.
That it's all a waste.
You know...
sometimes we get stuck seeing things from one perspective,
but if we can just shift our perspective even a little bit,
makes all the difference.
That's it?
That's your fancy, $75-an-hour advice?
Are you uncomfortable with the amount I charge?
I thought we just established that I'm uncomfortable with everything!
Are you always this quick to anger?
Are you always a condescending cunt?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
Well, I think we have our work cut out for us.
My shoes feel tight.
But I'm saying this guy, Heinrich Dreser,
deserves to be right up there on the bad-guy shelf.
So, our buddy Heinrich oversaw the development of heroin at Bayer.
Yep. So, the corporate suits at Bayer sold this shit over the counter
as a non-addictive morphine substitute in the early 1900s,
and you know why they called it heroin?
'Cause when they started testing it,
people said it made them feel heroic. Right?
I'd like to stand up here and be all inspiring and recovered
and tell you I'm over it,
but I miss it every fucking day, you know?
Uh, heroin is the love of my life, she's my best girlfriend...
she's my soul mate,
'cause, you know, she makes me feel better than anything.
So, in closing, uh...
fuck the Germans.
Okay, that's it for today, kids.
Strength to accept what you cannot change,
magical fairy dust, unicorns, etcetera.
Hey. Rosa, right?
How kind of you to remember.
Did you read this? It's about kids with cancer.
I don't know why the sick fuck wanted to write about this.
Anyway, I... I thought it might be right up your alley.
I got enough depressing shit in my life.
I don't need it in my books, too.
So, what's your escape, then, huh? Is it pain pills, booze?
Everybody needs a little bit of help with reality now and then.
The thing about reality...
is it's still there waiting for you the next morning.
Nice talk. They must've loved you on the debate team.
Oh, yeah.
I was first place Original Oratory two years running.
You know, until I got expelled for breaking my coach's toe.
Long story, not for now.
Maybe one day.
Uh, yeah, sure.
I am here to unburden you.
You got my goods?
You got most of them already.
Ooh, I'm not fluent in Russian, but in Spanish and English,
"most of them" means not all of them.
Gloria, you know me. The rest will be here soon.
I'm a woman of my word.
And I'm a woman who gets paid on time in full.
Reznikov, you're out of bounds.
What did you call me?
Get back in bounds right now.
Since when do you care where I am?
That's a shot.
307, refusing to obey an order from a staff member.
He's your bulldog now?
Oh, no. Don't look at me.
He's off leash, and I don't want to get bitten, either.
I'll see you around.
Don't let me catch you anywhere near the kitchen again.
You know the drill.
You're going to make a great father.
You okay, hon?
Fine, yes. Thank you.
It's an adjustment. That's what they say.
Your commissary come through yet?
- No. - No? Me, either.
Haven't brushed my teeth since we came in yesterday.
Starting to feel like an angora sweater in there.
Oh, uh...
There's this lady in here, Carla, she'll wanna do that for you.
I've been around before. I got it.
I gotta take a leak.
You Parker? Rhonda.
Brought you some stuff, a little welcome basket.
We'll see you at breakfast.
I don't eat breakfast.
It upsets my stomach.
You eat it now. Let's go.
Want some of this?
No, thank you.
Three toothbrushes in here. It's just showing off.
Here. Take one, please.
Thank you.
Get some toothpaste, too.
You're very kind.
You got assigned a work detail yet?
Kitchen.
That's a plum gig.
Yes, feels like home.
My family, we own a small market, and I serve food there.
Yeah? You a good cook?
I am very good. And get this.
I use the same produce people that the kitchen here uses.
Although, if they delivered me the shit they send here,
I would throw it in their faces.
They knew to give me the good stuff.
They owed me.
Now they really owe me.
Neptune. Stupid name.
I told them Neptune is for seafood, not fruit.
You know a vendor?
Know them? They're here because of me.
And I'm here because of them.
You need to use that. Make your life here better.
Breaking rules got me in here.
Yeah, well, I'm not telling you what to do, you know.
I'm just telling you how to survive.
Next.
Only one. I just learned I like a smoke after I read my sexy-time novellas.
It feels glamorous, but like, I'm still not a real smoker, you know?
Yeah, all right. Just make sure you reshelve this book in its proper place.
We on Dewey decimal and shit in here.
Don't let me find no aquatic sports over in paranormal phenomena.
- Got it. - All right.
Fuck you.
Oh, thanks, man. Heavy flow day over here.
Ouch.
I break your hand?
Get back to your job.
Hi, I rang the bell. Is that weird? I didn't wanna just walk right in.
It... It's fine. You're fine. Wow, it's...
You're actually here. It's crazy.
Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi.
No touching!
Sorry. I'm just trying to ease your transition.
Too much, too fast can be a shock to the system.
Like when POWs finally get to eat,
and then they eat too much and their stomachs explode?
- Hey. - Hey.
- We can touch, though. - Yeah, hello.
Hello, good to see you.
Oh, my God.
You never remember what home smells like until you've been gone for a while.
I remember that I always used to think about that when I got back from camp,
that I was smelling what my friends smelled.
What's it like?
You.
Laundry detergent. That, um...
Those candles from Anthropologie.
And... coffee.
Coffee? Coffee?
- Sure. - Yeah.
Hey, is this all... is this all my stuff?
It's your stuff.
Why do I have so many clothes? My God.
Did I really think that I needed all of these?
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, my cashmere sweater!
Larry, which one has all my pants in it?
Those are probably over at Polly's already.
Oh, how is she?
- Polly? Um... - Yeah.
She's fine. She's fine, I think. You know?
She's probably not gonna make it tomorrow. She's sleep training the baby and...
Oh...
she said it's been... It's been really tough on her, so...
Hey, I'm sorry about... sorry about Celeste.
Thanks, Bloomer.
Oh, it's fine.
No, it's not fine.
It's not. Do you remember that pillow that Mom had?
The one with the cow on its back and its legs were all up in the air?
Uh, under the cow it says, "I'm fine, really. "
What a stupid fuckin' pillow.
Oh, I have it now.
Mmm.
That's really good.
Ooh, upholstery. Upholstery is really good.
You, uh... you could stay here... if you want.
Wow. You couldn't even try to make that sound like you meant it.
Well, lucky for you,
it's in my furlough paperwork that I have to stay with my parents.
You know, I can wait in the car if you guys would like...
No. What do you want, Larry?
I don't know.
Okay, see, that's exactly how I do not wanna spend these next two days.
If I can't be with Grandmother,
I'm going to at least enjoy this trip for her.
You know what we're gonna do?
The Spotted Pig. Right?
Burgers and rye Manhattans. That's what we're gonna do. Who's with me?
Aren't you not supposed to drink?
Larry Abraham Bloom, I am free for the next 48 hours.
Do not ruin this by being a pussy.
Please.
I could eat.
See? Great. Cal?
Yeah, you know, this sounds great. I like where your head's at.
It's great to know that you're still a rule-breaking criminal at heart.
But there's this one thing...
Thank you for coming.
Oh, good to see you, darling. Thanks so much.
Thanks for coming.
Nice to see you. Thanks.
Hi.
Thank you so much for coming.
She was great, yes.
No, she doesn't have another granddaughter.
That's actually me. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. The felon.
No, I am out. I'm just not out-out.
It's called furlough.
It's temporary, yeah.
Forty-eight hours.
It... It was nice of them to trust me.
No, see? No handcuffs.
How are you holding up, dear?
How much longer do you think this is gonna be?
Not long. An hour or so?
Okay, well, I was thinking that I might...
Everyone's coming back to the house at 7:00, so we have to be there before then.
Funeral's tomorrow at noon, so eat a good breakfast.
Everyone's very excited to visit with you.
So they can all stare at me like a lion in a zoo.
Been a difficult day for everyone, dear.
Hello, Mary. Thank you for coming.
Celeste despised her. She always wore kitten heels.
You know how Grandmother felt about them.
"The boiled carrots of footwear. "
Stick your fingers in a fucking socket? What's wrong with your hair?
Jesus Christ. What's wrong with you, inmate?
You meditating? Get some food. Put some meat on your bones, shit.
I'm not eating.
I can see that, with my normal-people eyes.
Bet those slits make it hard for you to see, huh?
I will report you to the administration.
Ladies! Inmate... "Soso"?
You're shittin' me, right?
Inmate Soso here seems to be violating essential prison regulations
with her insubordinate attitude, does she not?
Take that, you tattletale.
I am staging a hunger strike
in protest of the reprehensible conditions in this facility!
I invite you all to join in, in standing up...
Oh, 212! Engaging in or encouraging a group demonstration!
Let's go talk about a little extra work duty, shall we, Soso?
Hey. Hey!
Just... keep it down, please.
Mmm. Mmm!
Ooh, man.
Can't believe you're wasting your time on lettuce.
Do you know how long it's been since...
I had a vegetable that actually crunched?
Mmm.
Whoa, easy there, Tiger.
Mmm. But it's so delicious.
What are you doing?
Mmm. I missed you.
I missed you, too, Pipes.
You wanna...
No, I don't... I don't know, I...
Oh, come on, Larry.
How long has it been
since you came in a real live vagina and not in your hand?
Huh?
- Okay. - Come on, let's go upstairs.
No, I need to... I'm gonna use the bathroom.
I don't think you're supposed to be drinking, honey.
What's "supposed to, " anyway, you know? Who makes those rules?
I believe it's the Federal Department of Corrections in this case.
Fuck 'em.
The last thing anyone needs is you getting your sentence extended
for some silly furlough violation.
Really, Dad?
Is that the last thing that anyone needs, or is that the last thing that you need,
because you refuse to come visit your only daughter in prison
and you'd rather not have that weighing on your conscience
for any longer than it has to?
Piper, can we not do this now, please? My mother has died.
Fine. Sorry.
Celeste was so proud of you.
From the moment you were born.
It's hard to imagine that's true anymore.
It was. I even think she liked me more for having fathered you.
I'm sorry, honey. I just can't see you like that.
Like what?
You're my little girl.
That woman in there, that's not who you are.
That's exactly who I am.
Larry?
I'm in here, hello?
- Hey, hey, hey! Pipes... - Larry!
Whoa, whoa!
Okay. Piper, not here. What if...
Piper. Jesus, Piper. Oh, God, are you sure about this?
Is the door locked? Is the door locked? Is the door locked?
Shit. Oh, my God.
Fuck me.
Okay. Okay, just move your leg over.
- Okay. Like that? - Mmm-hmm.
- Are you okay? - Yeah.
Okay.
- Shit. - What? Oh.
- Fuck. - It's okay. Let me help. Let me help.
I'm sorry. I can't stop thinking about your dad walking in.
No! No! Oh, Jesus, Piper, you don't have to...
Oh, fuck. Come on, this is weird. We're mourning. We're...
Ah... We haven't done this in so long. We're not even together.
Larry. Shut up.
Fuck, I slept with someone.
- Really? - I'm sorry.
You decide to tell me that with your flaccid dick in my mouth?
Ssh! It was a semi.
Do not defend your boner to me right now.
I'm sorry. I know this is...
tough for you. Is there anything you wanna ask me or...
No. God, no.
Maybe. Is it someone that I know?
Yes.
That's it. I don't wanna know anything else.
Please don't tell me anything else.
Yeah, well, it's much worse when you can imagine it in your own head.
Trust me.
This is really over, isn't it?
I don't... I don't want it to be.
Yes, you do.
But it feels so shitty actually saying it.
I know.
Fuck, I'm gonna miss you.
I love you.
I love you, too.
You don't have to come to my grandmother's funeral tomorrow.
Oh, thank God.
Yeah.
You ain't gonna get a gold star for showin' up early.
That guard, that awful, awful man.
Which one?
That new guard. D-list Burt Reynolds but more rapey.
Pornstache.
Yeah. He gave me extra work duty.
He's punishing me for believing in something.
Well, people don't like conviction around here. Okay? No, sir.
Well, I'm gonna show them.
Soon, no one will be eating, and then they'll see.
Why ain't we eating?
In protest of the conditions in here.
Well, that's just super stupid.
And dumb. And mean and cruel and stupid.
And, yeah, I said "stupid" twice, only to emphasize how stupid that is.
Hey, leave Mulan alone.
It's Brook, actually. Soso.
You know what? You're right, Soso.
You know, look around this place. We're criminals,
but that don't mean we don't deserve to be treated like normal people.
Exactly.
Since when do you care about the conditions, Leanne?
Since always.
Nobody likes to live like an animal.
So, you wanna join me?
It depends on what they're serving for lunch today, but I'll think on it.
Okay. You know, I could tell you more about
the efficacy of prison hunger strikes historically, if you want.
That sounds real interesting.
Great. Lilo and Stitch starving themselves to save the world. This is...
She's Lilo, isn't she?
So, you're saying that I'm Stitch, you friendless freak?
No one likes you.
Aw, are you guys lost? We ain't ready for breakfast yet.
But today, we have cream of wheat. Yay. Old-people food.
Didn't your mother teach you manners?
Why you old people always gotta be so cranky all the time?
Yeah, you here to teach us a morality lesson and shit?
We're here to collect what belongs to Red.
Well, we don't know nothing about that, so...
Aren't you cute?
Did you get caught up in your boyfriend's drug game?
You wanna know what I did?
Cut my husband's dick off with a butcher knife, and it wasn't even sharp.
I still dream about it,
all the blood, the way it flopped around in my fist.
Hmm. Best thing I ever did.
It's so disappointing being underestimated as you age.
I don't know what happened. Nobody tells the new girl.
One day, she was running things, large and in charge.
And the next, poof, gone. So long, Rhonda.
Something major must've happened for her to be sent down to max, no?
Yeah, well, who knows how stuff works around here?
You hear Anita had a heart attack last night?
The guido who rooms with us?
Probably too much ragù in her arteries.
Speaking of...
Put your hand in.
Oh, God. That's unsanitary.
Just do it.
Pull.
Holy shit.
Not too bad for a white girl, hmm?
Not too bad at all. You selling already?
A little. Here and there. Testing the waters.
I don't wanna get in over my head.
Shit, you gonna be running things around here in a few months.
We'll see. Slow and steady.
But I do thank you for your advice.
Hey, Vee, I'm sorry to bother you, but the one without the eyebrows,
she ain't got her money.
Figured you'd wanna deal yourself like you told us.
I'll be right there.
I better get going. We can talk more later.
I'm impressed, Red.
Red helped me with Mendez.
Does the entire prison know?
That's it. I promise. Babe, you need to relax.
How can you act like everything is fine when he's back here?
He could ruin our lives. He could... He could ruin my life.
Everything's gonna be fine. Red's on our side.
And Mendez doesn't even try to talk to me.
Good, I mean, I'm sure they probably...
I'm sure they probably told him to stay as far away as possible.
Just feels a little weird since, you know, he's in love with me or whatever.
You would think that he'd try to say hi.
Okay, you know, I...
I'm gonna tell Caputo that Mendez is the father.
But that's a lie.
But didn't he have sex with you?
- Yeah. - Okay, so he's a criminal,
he deserves to go to prison.
But you have sex with me. Used to, anyways.
That's different. I... I love you.
So does he.
Are you actually defending him right now?
I just can't believe that you would send an innocent man to prison.
I'm sorry, what? The whole... The whole plan was to send him to prison.
I mean, that's why you fucked him in the first place, was it not?
It's just... It just didn't work.
I don't know what I was doing. They talked me into it.
You know how scary my mom can be.
But I've had time to reflect, and he's innocent.
Oh, come on, Daya, you know he deserves to go to prison for something.
This is... This is just how life works.
Well, I need time to think.
Don't you go doing nothing without talking to me.
You hear me?
Now, you want me to finish or what?
Yes.
Red light special, please.
Man, you people are like a 3D "Don't do drugs" ad.
Ain't that the code?
Damn, you want that many?
Isn't that what it costs?
What are you talkin' about?
The stuff.
You can say, "cigarette. "
What? No. The special stuff. I know the black girls are selling it.
You saying we all look alike?
Come on, my face is all achy. I need to not feel it for a while.
Then go buy some aspirin from commissary. Get out of here.
And I'm keeping these for my time.
Go.
This one Christmas, I was allowed to help Grandmother
make her really famous sugar cookies for the very first time.
I think most of you have probably received a tin of her cookies over the years.
If you didn't, Grandmother didn't like you.
I'm just sayin'.
Anyway, it took less than five minutes for me to mess up,
and I poured too much baking soda into the dough
and I immediately started crying.
I thought I had completely ruined Christmas.
But instead of yelling at me,
Grandmother told me that they were gonna be fine,
and she said better, even. And then...
And then she said to me, "Piper, life is made in the mistakes. "
In retrospect, I'm sure she remade them after I left, you know?
I'm sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.
Um...
I mean, the woman's name was Celeste, for God's sake.
Uh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry, Father.
Um, I don't know if any of you have ever heard one of those things played before.
A celeste, I mean, but it is this magical, ethereal experience.
All these steel plates that ting and sound like, I don't know, like,
if an ocean were to suddenly make music.
Um... That's... That's not really like Grandmother,
but she was, she was special.
She... She made you feel like there was something important about you
even when you knew you were nothing but a polyp in the sea of human mundanity.
Lot of ocean imagery here. But look,
the point is that Grandmother was a wonderful woman.
That's the point I'm trying to make. And she should be celebrated.
And my sister, Piper, is here, and that is truly incredible
because she is technically a ward of the federal government.
Or... just returned from Africa, Aunt Kathy.
Um... Either way, today is a day to celebrate life.
Today is a day to celebrate today.
And that is why...
that is why I can't think of a better time to do this.
Come on. Come on, my little hen of the woods.
- Who is she? - Aah!
Friends, family...
- Do something. - ... lovers,
older family friends that I can never remember the names of,
Neri and I are getting married...
right now...
with all of you as our witnesses.
Our friends are here, Piper's on furlough,
our buddy, Sam, got ordained last week just for us.
Thank you, Sam.
Neri's family is here.
- We're here! - Hi.
Pam and Joe in the back. Hi, guys. You're so cute. You are awesome.
Thank you for coming. Love you. And...
So happy to be here.
I think that Celeste...
would be pleased with our judicious use of the free flowers and food,
if not a tiny bit judgmental.
And I think that she would admire our spirit, right?
Ah.
Pipes.
We're gonna eat the world.
Sorry, Mom.
- Yo. - Yo, what the hell are you doin'?
I need to talk to you. I think Vee's bringin' in drugs.
P, ain't you bored of havin' the same damn conversation every day?
Shit, I know I am.
Yo, just listen, all right? One of them meth heads...
No! Why don't you listen and stop running your mouth?
Who cares what she's doing? That's her business.
She's been real good to me, and I am not about to turn away from that.
Vee is my family.
Thought I was your family.
You both are my family, yo, like...
What if we was...
What if we was drownin' in the middle of the ocean,
and you could only save one of us?
Why can't I save both of you?
I don't know. Because you can't.
'Cause there's not enough room in the boat.
It's, like, the world's tiniest boat or some shit?
Yes, okay? Yes.
It's like a little raft for kiddies and shit, all right?
- Can you just play the game with me? - Listen up, pussy.
I love you, but I am done as a burnt burger talkin' about this shit.
No more talkin' about Vee to me or to anyone.
And, P, that woman don't play around.
Don't get in her way.
Or mine. You hear?
Yeah.
What happened, Doggett?
You know I get mad sometimes.
I know I've been a bully. I know.
But I was really trying to turn a new leaf.
Please...
Please don't send me down to SHU, Mr. Healy, please.
It is truly awful down there.
Doggett, have you always been quick to anger?
What you mean?
I mean, does it sit right below the surface?
Does it bubble up and surprise you when you're not expecting it?
Do you have a pounding right here?
Like, feels like a vein's gonna explode?
Yeah.
Are you a psychic or something?
No.
How are you in my head, then, right now?
Because I've had anger issues of my own...
and what I've found is that a change of perspective can make all the difference.
Do you mean, like, looking left rather than right kind of thing?
Exactly like that.
Instead of me sending you down to SHU,
I want you to come and visit me once a week.
What would we do?
Talk.
What will we talk about?
I could counsel you through some of these issues.
Yes, thank you. Yes.
That's so awfully nice of you, Mr. Healy.
I'm a nice guy. That's the truth.
Maybe they're runnin' late.
Nah, it's a prison. They didn't get lost in the moment.
- ... take whatever. - Hey.
No, I mean, Jesus, why you fucking breaking my balls?
Man, this took way more convincing than two boxes of oatmeal pies are worth.
Please, sit. I thought we could enjoy a family meal together.
You made this?
How the fuck you do this without a kitchen?
I'm a good improviser.
And I had some help from the baddest bitches around.
It smells wonderful, Red.
Doesn't mean it tastes good.
Ooh! Daddy's getting blotto tonight, huh?
Thank you for coming. I know you didn't have to.
Hey, Red. Got to let us in on the secret. I mean, this shit is crazy.
You're my family.
All of you are very important to me.
And I... let a lot of things get in the way of that these past few months.
- I truly... - Hey!
Golden oldies. How about I get some of that slop down here, huh?
- Seriously. Food me. - Yeah.
- Ow! - I'm trying to have a moment.
Now shut up and eat.
Thank you.
As I was saying,
I realize I never said the most important thing...
I'm sorry.
You know, Red, we've done okay without you.
I know you have, but I want you to do better than okay.
Yeah, but maybe there are some parts that we didn't miss so much.
Like being pushed around.
Or burned.
Gina, I don't know that I'll ever have the words
to express the regret I feel for what happened to you.
I made a mistake.
I hope you accept my apology.
Okay.
I'm willing to make this more of a democracy, if that's what you all want.
I just want my family back.
Oh, get over here, Red.
Right?
Norma. My dear Norma,
you've been by my side for many years.
You stood beside me, listened to me,
plucked the hair out of that weird mole on the back of my arm.
You're my best friend, and I miss you so much.
Thank you for giving me another chance.
What about me?
Don't you have a special dedication for me?
Boo, thank you, for always being a pain in my ass.
Let's stick together from now on, huh?
Uh-huh.
Ah.
What do you want?
Hear you have a pretty good system worked out for yourself in here.
Norma... get the nice young woman a form.
Write down what you want, and I'll do my best.
We're a little overwhelmed with orders lately, though.
I ain't here to place no orders. Here to buy the company.
It's not for sale, sorry.
You don't even wanna hear the offer?
Try me.
You get to stay in cozy minimum security.
Oh, and we don't break your ribs.
You, my dear, have chosen the one fight in here that can't be won.
Go run to your mommy,
tell her Red needs to talk to her, then the adults will discuss this.
You know that's a real stupid move, right?
I mean, I'm happy to go get her for you.
Today has been kind of boring, anyhow.
Go. Go, go, go.
I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just an idiot.
'Cause I'm having a hard motherfucking time understanding
how three little old ladies come in here and stole from us.
They was really scary.
Yeah, and one of 'em looked like a Disney witch.
You know what? Go! Get... Get out of my face.
Yo.
Red sends her apologies.
I hate this kitchen.
What the fuck is this? Huh?
What is this?
You think you can just get away with this shit in here?
You think I'm gonna turn a blind eye? Think I'm a pussy?
It's time for a good old-fashioned search, ladies.
Oh, what is this?
Illegal contraband?
You're awfully quiet, inmate. Got nothing to say now?
You scared? 'Cause you fucking should be!
I'm in control! I'm in charge!
- Fuckin'... - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Buddy!
Ssh! Ssh! Ssh! Ssh!
We are gonna fucking crack down on you! On all of you!
Hey! You're gonna get yourself fired, pal.
It's okay. Come on.
You all right? Come on. Let's get you out of here.
Everything's okay, ladies. Just clean this shit up, all right?
Sorry for the fuss. Come on.
You're all right, buddy. Come on.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, for the very first time,
the bride and the groom.
It's so wonderful that you could be here, Piper.
How are you doing?
Fine. I'm fine.
We would be so heartbroken for our Julie if she were in your position.
You know what, we were just talking earlier
about what a wonderful kid you were.
Always in the newspaper for something and always achieving.
We just want you to know, dear, we still see you as that person.
I'm sure you're anxious to return to your old self.
I'm not, actually.
Well, now.
There's the black beauty I've been waitin' for.
Can I help you?
I think that's the other way around, sistah.
Jesus. Can't even brush your teeth around here without getting into something.
What do you want, man?
How much would it be worth to you to find another route in?
Depends on where the route goes.
Oh, now, you know I can't give you information
unless I know what I'm getting for it.
And I'm supposed to be interested in that?
I know how Red's importing contraband.
Interested in that?
'Cause I also know that the guards are hot on your trail.
So you're gonna need a new cover, right?
I want 20% of tobacco intake.
You are a smug little dyke, aren't you?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I am a big, smart dyke.
Yes, ma'am.
10%.
Got yourself a deal.
Did you get your pack of wild dogs under control?
They're always obedient.
Good. Then I'll look forward to never seeing them in here again.
Who do you think gave the order, Red?
You're my friend.
I don't remember us exchanging woven bracelets.
You're not taking over my business. I started it.
Come on. Can't we share?
Didn't I give you the idea in the first place?
Now all of a sudden, it's yours?
What did you do to Rhonda?
Here's what's gonna happen.
You're gonna keep taking orders and filling them.
My girls will be distributing the goods and collecting the payments.
I'll tell Healy.
Oh, Red.
You do that,
and I will make sure that you end up exactly like Rhonda.
You are not taking this from me.
Your first mistake is not having backup.
Oh!
Go ahead.
Hey, I got a gift for you.
Shit, it's not even my birthday.
First one's free. Let me know if you want more.
When I said prove it, I meant it in a Coach Taylor kind of way.
Not a "terrify all the inmates, get yourself suspended" way.
Sorry, sir. I don't know what... I don't know what got into me.
I don't have time for any more headaches
on top of everything else right now, Bennett.
I understand. I'm just... just under a lot of stress
with the shot quota and some, uh...
some personal stuff.
Yes, and your personal crap belongs at home next to your tchotchkes.
Well, that's the thing, sir, I... can't exactly leave this stuff at home.
What are you trying to tell me?
Diaz is pregnant. Dayanara.
What?
Must've been Mendez.