1 00:01:20,176 --> 00:01:22,433 What do I think love is? 2 00:01:24,033 --> 00:01:25,301 Uh... 3 00:01:25,325 --> 00:01:27,888 It's like when someone makes your stomach feel all tight, 4 00:01:27,912 --> 00:01:31,516 but floaty at the same time, you know? 5 00:01:31,540 --> 00:01:34,936 And your cheeks hurt from smiling. 6 00:01:34,960 --> 00:01:38,648 And you smile so much that people think something's wrong with you. 7 00:01:38,672 --> 00:01:40,465 Love is light. 8 00:01:42,551 --> 00:01:44,386 Acceptance. 9 00:01:47,264 --> 00:01:48,366 Fire. 10 00:01:48,390 --> 00:01:49,724 Pain. 11 00:01:51,101 --> 00:01:52,644 Horrible pain. 12 00:01:54,354 --> 00:01:55,916 That you want again and again. 13 00:01:55,940 --> 00:01:58,001 And also, fucking. 14 00:01:58,025 --> 00:02:02,196 Twenty-four seven, deep-dick, can't-walk-right fucking. 15 00:02:03,488 --> 00:02:09,411 Well, you know me. I got so much to say about love. 16 00:02:12,247 --> 00:02:17,562 And one year, this Wall Street guy flew me in a helicopter to D.C. 17 00:02:17,586 --> 00:02:19,105 For serious? 18 00:02:19,129 --> 00:02:21,816 Valentine's Day makes guys go crazy. They love it. 19 00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:24,735 Men hate Valentine's Day. 20 00:02:24,759 --> 00:02:26,112 They don't act like they hate it. 21 00:02:26,136 --> 00:02:28,406 That's because you look like Sofía Vergara. 22 00:02:28,430 --> 00:02:31,409 Them things is real. I once saw her jogging in Tribeca. 23 00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:35,705 Ian hasn't visited in so long. It'd be nice if he showed up tomorrow. 24 00:02:35,729 --> 00:02:39,792 But he's only got a Vespa and it's too cold to ride this far. 25 00:02:39,816 --> 00:02:43,421 One year, Yadriel got me flowers. He stole them from his cousin's funeral. 26 00:02:43,445 --> 00:02:45,090 - It was so sweet. - Please. 27 00:02:45,114 --> 00:02:47,883 Valentine's Day was invented to make people feel like shit 28 00:02:47,907 --> 00:02:49,927 if they're not part of some perfect couple. 29 00:02:49,951 --> 00:02:51,012 True. 30 00:02:51,036 --> 00:02:55,624 Diablo says there are no perfect couples, but each couple is perfect in its own way. 31 00:02:57,126 --> 00:03:00,254 It must be hard. Being locked up on Valentine's Day. 32 00:03:01,463 --> 00:03:02,523 That's all. 33 00:03:02,547 --> 00:03:06,468 Aw. Thank you, Fischer. That was really empathetic of you. 34 00:03:07,469 --> 00:03:09,471 - You want a cookie? - Oh, sure. Thank you. 35 00:03:21,733 --> 00:03:23,860 - You need some water, Fischer? - No. I'm fine. 36 00:03:25,029 --> 00:03:27,322 I knew she didn't swallow. 37 00:03:38,639 --> 00:03:40,617 Hi. 38 00:03:40,641 --> 00:03:43,269 Where'd you make reservations for tomorrow night? 39 00:03:44,479 --> 00:03:45,539 Wait, what? 40 00:03:45,563 --> 00:03:46,748 Shh. 41 00:03:46,772 --> 00:03:48,942 I'm trying to pretend like we're a normal couple. 42 00:03:49,400 --> 00:03:50,401 Oh. 43 00:03:52,070 --> 00:03:56,092 Um, well, I got us a table for two at Lorenzo's. 44 00:03:56,116 --> 00:03:57,408 The one by the fireplace. 45 00:03:58,994 --> 00:04:03,414 I can't wait for you to see my dress. It's sexy, but not slutty, you know? 46 00:04:05,791 --> 00:04:07,127 I can't wait to see it. 47 00:04:08,211 --> 00:04:11,922 Mamita, can you get me another bag of flour? 48 00:04:18,096 --> 00:04:19,139 Here. 49 00:04:20,348 --> 00:04:23,785 - What's this? - It's a list. 50 00:04:23,809 --> 00:04:26,288 Wanna keep the mother-in-law happy, right? 51 00:04:26,312 --> 00:04:29,125 I figured I might as well make use of sleepy hollow 52 00:04:29,149 --> 00:04:30,917 before the other shoe drops. 53 00:04:30,941 --> 00:04:32,235 Get it? 54 00:04:38,491 --> 00:04:41,803 So this is what Vee negotiated for us? Using these broke-ass showers? 55 00:04:41,827 --> 00:04:44,390 - Man, that's some broke-ass negotiation. - You think? 56 00:04:44,414 --> 00:04:48,144 You do know that long showers are bad for you. Yeah. Yeah. 57 00:04:48,168 --> 00:04:50,980 Mess with your keratinocytes and whatnots. 58 00:04:51,004 --> 00:04:53,339 Hey, Suzanne? Shut the fuck up. 59 00:04:58,011 --> 00:05:00,822 Yeah, why the hell would I leave the library? 60 00:05:00,846 --> 00:05:02,324 It's the best job here. 61 00:05:02,348 --> 00:05:05,619 Because books do not pay the rent. Books do not bourguignon the beef. 62 00:05:05,643 --> 00:05:07,246 We are starting something. 63 00:05:07,270 --> 00:05:10,065 I don't wanna join custodial. 64 00:05:10,190 --> 00:05:13,335 - And yet I am still asking you. - No way. No. 65 00:05:13,359 --> 00:05:15,986 - Oh, come on. Come on! - Shut up! 66 00:05:16,987 --> 00:05:18,424 You know what? Do you know how easy it would've been 67 00:05:18,448 --> 00:05:20,009 for me to say no when you came to me and said, 68 00:05:20,033 --> 00:05:21,677 "Vee, get me out of this group home"? 69 00:05:21,701 --> 00:05:26,122 "Save me from this sick fuck-faced foster father I got!" Huh? 70 00:05:27,415 --> 00:05:29,810 - That's not fair. - Fair? Girl, please. 71 00:05:29,834 --> 00:05:32,354 Fair's where you go get you some cotton candy. 72 00:05:32,378 --> 00:05:34,856 Where you ride the tilt-a-whirl. 73 00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,048 I'm looking for Jack. 74 00:05:37,425 --> 00:05:38,652 He's not here. 75 00:05:38,676 --> 00:05:41,029 He buys me chocolates every year. 76 00:05:41,053 --> 00:05:43,115 We're on a fixed income, of course. 77 00:05:43,139 --> 00:05:46,202 But he's gotta treat his duckie right, he says. 78 00:05:46,226 --> 00:05:50,730 And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted. 79 00:05:53,399 --> 00:05:57,171 Fuck. Kill me in my sleep if I ever get like that. 80 00:05:57,195 --> 00:06:01,842 Look. You're gonna think about it, right? And then you gonna do as I say. 81 00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:02,926 Ah! 82 00:06:02,950 --> 00:06:05,596 It's just chilling, you know? 83 00:06:05,620 --> 00:06:10,767 Kicking it with somebody, talking, making mad stupid jokes. 84 00:06:10,791 --> 00:06:14,480 And, like, not even wanting to go to sleep, 85 00:06:14,504 --> 00:06:19,318 'cause then you might be without 'em for a minute. 86 00:06:19,342 --> 00:06:20,885 And you don't want that. 87 00:06:25,848 --> 00:06:27,308 One, two, three, go! 88 00:06:31,896 --> 00:06:32,938 And... 89 00:06:34,106 --> 00:06:38,170 And done! Who's next? Who's next? 90 00:06:38,194 --> 00:06:39,296 Whoo! 91 00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,363 You can't beat me. 92 00:06:41,197 --> 00:06:42,883 I am untouchable. 93 00:06:42,907 --> 00:06:45,326 I think you are very touchable. 94 00:06:46,619 --> 00:06:48,805 Get a room. 95 00:06:48,829 --> 00:06:50,932 German, fool. Talk it. 96 00:06:50,956 --> 00:06:52,893 Zing? Zinger? 97 00:06:52,917 --> 00:06:56,355 Das Zimmer. You're part of a community. Respect its language. 98 00:06:56,379 --> 00:06:58,023 My father's part of a community. 99 00:06:58,047 --> 00:07:00,526 I'm the unfortunate appendage he drags about 100 00:07:00,550 --> 00:07:03,553 wherever your fight against terror takes him. 101 00:07:03,969 --> 00:07:05,471 He's just talkin' smack. 102 00:07:05,638 --> 00:07:08,617 How many times have you had to move in your short little life? 103 00:07:08,641 --> 00:07:10,244 Too many. 104 00:07:10,268 --> 00:07:13,479 But this is the end of the road. My pops promised. 105 00:07:14,874 --> 00:07:15,874 How do you say, 106 00:07:15,875 --> 00:07:21,463 "I'd like to watch as you two make sweet, sweet lady love," in German? 107 00:07:21,487 --> 00:07:24,615 Nein, motherfucker. Nein. 108 00:07:32,122 --> 00:07:34,143 This job is bullshit. 109 00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:37,896 No. 'Tis a rewarding puzzle. 110 00:07:37,920 --> 00:07:41,858 Ain't no puzzle. Makes electrical look good. 111 00:07:41,882 --> 00:07:44,611 Can't believe I let that old bitch talk me into this. 112 00:07:44,635 --> 00:07:47,948 I wouldn't speak ill of Miss Parker's methods. 113 00:07:47,972 --> 00:07:49,825 She wouldn't tolerate such words. 114 00:07:49,849 --> 00:07:52,286 Hey, now, Watson got the right 115 00:07:52,310 --> 00:07:54,871 to express her discomfort for her new job. 116 00:07:54,895 --> 00:07:57,374 Just because cleaning quiets your discombobulation 117 00:07:57,398 --> 00:07:59,024 doesn't mean it does so for everyone. 118 00:08:00,193 --> 00:08:03,654 Point well made, moppet. Point well made. 119 00:08:07,032 --> 00:08:08,969 You such a dumb-ass. 120 00:08:08,993 --> 00:08:11,472 Hey, Watson, you look a little tired. 121 00:08:11,496 --> 00:08:14,099 Maybe I could come by later and massage your quads? 122 00:08:14,123 --> 00:08:16,560 Get the fuck out of here. 123 00:08:16,584 --> 00:08:18,645 You know, whatever y'all got going on in here. 124 00:08:18,669 --> 00:08:21,982 You know, taking over custodial. I want a piece. 125 00:08:22,006 --> 00:08:26,445 I use it to cover my eyes. That way, you know, I won't see anything. 126 00:08:26,469 --> 00:08:32,433 Tomorrow night, I'm going to put the "V" in your Valentine. 127 00:08:33,768 --> 00:08:36,079 That's right. Fuck me. 128 00:08:36,103 --> 00:08:39,040 Hey, Warren, who gonna be your Valentine this year? 129 00:08:39,064 --> 00:08:42,378 You always battin' them freaky blacks at somebody. 130 00:08:42,402 --> 00:08:43,462 Oh, no. 131 00:08:43,486 --> 00:08:47,740 No, this year I'm loving someone who deserves me. Me. 132 00:08:49,284 --> 00:08:50,511 Loser. 133 00:08:50,535 --> 00:08:51,845 Shut up! 134 00:08:51,869 --> 00:08:55,266 Whatever. Depressing-ass time of year, you ask me. 135 00:08:55,290 --> 00:08:56,499 Motherfucker! 136 00:08:58,042 --> 00:09:00,503 Shit. You pissed your pants? 137 00:09:03,256 --> 00:09:05,300 I'm gonna go find you a diaper. 138 00:09:06,717 --> 00:09:09,530 Your attention, please. Visiting hours are now open. 139 00:09:09,554 --> 00:09:12,390 All prisoners are free to go to the visiting room. 140 00:09:16,143 --> 00:09:18,747 Tomorrow's Florence Henderson's birthday! 141 00:09:18,771 --> 00:09:19,956 What? 142 00:09:19,980 --> 00:09:22,376 Valentine's day. Florence Henderson's birthday! 143 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:25,462 We should be having our annual naked Brady-thon celebration 144 00:09:25,486 --> 00:09:28,214 and I should be doing some kind of a striptease to sunshine day. 145 00:09:28,238 --> 00:09:31,635 And then maybe something... maybe something with Wesson oil, that... 146 00:09:31,659 --> 00:09:32,952 Piper. 147 00:09:35,621 --> 00:09:36,622 Hi. 148 00:09:39,292 --> 00:09:40,418 Hi. 149 00:09:42,462 --> 00:09:44,273 Hi. 150 00:09:44,297 --> 00:09:45,423 Hmm. 151 00:09:46,299 --> 00:09:48,509 I heard about your grandma. 152 00:09:51,387 --> 00:09:53,055 Larry... 153 00:09:55,308 --> 00:09:56,851 I want my home. 154 00:09:58,436 --> 00:10:00,313 When I get out of here, 155 00:10:02,315 --> 00:10:03,691 I wanna come home. 156 00:10:05,318 --> 00:10:07,612 That's quite the statement. 157 00:10:12,658 --> 00:10:14,327 You sure about that? 158 00:10:15,661 --> 00:10:18,498 Yeah, I'm sure. 159 00:10:20,666 --> 00:10:22,668 Well, I'm not asking you. 160 00:10:24,337 --> 00:10:28,549 I'm asking future Piper. Free Piper. 161 00:10:29,884 --> 00:10:32,613 Can you guarantee that you still will? 162 00:10:32,637 --> 00:10:34,972 Future Piper hopes so. 163 00:10:36,516 --> 00:10:38,351 Present Larry can't live on hope. 164 00:10:39,519 --> 00:10:42,706 Wasabi peas and peanut butter pretzels, apparently, but not hope. 165 00:10:42,730 --> 00:10:43,832 Please don't mention those things 166 00:10:43,856 --> 00:10:46,734 unless you're hiding some up your butt for me. 167 00:10:49,529 --> 00:10:50,696 Piper, 168 00:10:53,533 --> 00:10:57,244 this reporter from City Post, Andrew Nance. 169 00:10:58,078 --> 00:10:59,288 He, um... 170 00:11:00,373 --> 00:11:03,685 He asked me about financial irregularities here. 171 00:11:03,709 --> 00:11:07,922 Uh... vendors that don't exist, buildings that were never built. 172 00:11:08,047 --> 00:11:09,965 And I was like, "fuck that. 173 00:11:11,133 --> 00:11:13,695 "Why should he write it? I'll write it." 174 00:11:13,719 --> 00:11:15,531 Write what? 175 00:11:15,555 --> 00:11:19,391 An article. With you investigating from the inside. 176 00:11:20,810 --> 00:11:23,747 Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free, right? 177 00:11:23,771 --> 00:11:25,331 - What do you say? - Oh, my God. 178 00:11:25,355 --> 00:11:29,610 Oh, my God, Larry. Jesus Christ! 179 00:11:30,611 --> 00:11:31,672 - What... - You're doing it again! 180 00:11:31,696 --> 00:11:34,132 What are you talking about? 181 00:11:34,156 --> 00:11:36,760 We'll fucking expose this place, Piper. 182 00:11:36,784 --> 00:11:41,097 You're the moon, Larry. You have got to stop being the moon! 183 00:11:41,121 --> 00:11:42,516 What's wrong with being the moon? 184 00:11:42,540 --> 00:11:44,309 It doesn't have its own light. 185 00:11:44,333 --> 00:11:48,063 So, right. So, what? That makes you the sun? 186 00:11:48,087 --> 00:11:50,566 Are you the sun, Piper? Huh? 187 00:11:50,590 --> 00:11:54,986 You're the center of the solar system and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock! 188 00:11:55,010 --> 00:11:57,656 How am I supposed to become my own planet, Piper, 189 00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,909 when your shit is still everywhere? 190 00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:02,453 Huh? 191 00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:03,704 You get to move on. 192 00:12:03,728 --> 00:12:09,000 You get to fuck Alex or whoever's next, and I'm stuck. 193 00:12:09,024 --> 00:12:13,421 I'm stuck with your sweaters and your shoes 194 00:12:13,445 --> 00:12:16,949 and your goddamn Sephora fucking outlet store worth of products! 195 00:12:18,158 --> 00:12:19,952 You are everywhere. 196 00:12:22,454 --> 00:12:25,625 It's like living inside a sarcophagus. 197 00:12:27,001 --> 00:12:29,419 Well, take my stuff to Polly's if it's so in your way. 198 00:12:32,297 --> 00:12:34,275 And you mean "mausoleum," not "sarcophagus." 199 00:12:34,299 --> 00:12:35,843 Don't tell me what I mean! 200 00:12:42,432 --> 00:12:44,143 At least people can walk on the moon. 201 00:12:45,895 --> 00:12:49,064 Anyone gets near the sun, they burn right up. 202 00:12:55,029 --> 00:12:58,157 Vee says she's too old. Don't believe it for a second! 203 00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:03,138 What that woman did to me... people don't change. 204 00:13:03,162 --> 00:13:04,204 Hurry it up, will you? 205 00:13:05,748 --> 00:13:08,143 I'm trying, ma. The sparks are burning my cheeks! 206 00:13:08,167 --> 00:13:10,878 Then turn your head! Where's your brother? 207 00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:15,257 He got claustrophobic. He's in the woods, guarding the entrance. 208 00:13:16,258 --> 00:13:18,236 I'm just so sad, mamochka. 209 00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:19,738 I'm sorry she left you, Vastly, 210 00:13:19,762 --> 00:13:22,323 but I'm sure you did something to deserve it. 211 00:13:22,347 --> 00:13:24,349 I used to watch her sleep 212 00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:28,664 and pray for the strength to stop ruining everything, ma. 213 00:13:28,688 --> 00:13:31,542 And how did that work out for you? 214 00:13:31,566 --> 00:13:34,294 No work today. Come back tomorrow. 215 00:13:34,318 --> 00:13:35,921 Jack said he would be out here. 216 00:13:35,945 --> 00:13:37,697 I saw him get into a taxi. 217 00:13:38,530 --> 00:13:41,742 A taxi? Out here? 218 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:44,244 Imagine that. 219 00:13:45,245 --> 00:13:46,997 Thank you, young lady. 220 00:13:48,207 --> 00:13:49,541 Hurry it up, will you? 221 00:14:01,386 --> 00:14:02,530 Mama! 222 00:14:02,554 --> 00:14:07,243 You and your disgusting whining! If you want your woman back, go get her. 223 00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:10,104 Now hand up the shit. Come on! 224 00:14:14,358 --> 00:14:17,128 - When you get out of here... - Mm-hmm. 225 00:14:17,152 --> 00:14:19,196 Who do you imagine yourself going home to? 226 00:14:20,364 --> 00:14:21,883 Fiona Apple in the criminal video. 227 00:14:21,907 --> 00:14:23,426 Ah. 228 00:14:23,450 --> 00:14:25,554 Stupid question. 229 00:14:25,578 --> 00:14:26,746 What about you? 230 00:14:28,080 --> 00:14:31,041 I always thought it would be Larry, but I think it's time to re-imagine. 231 00:14:32,376 --> 00:14:36,338 This stupid fucking holiday. 232 00:14:37,422 --> 00:14:39,703 Listen, if you want, I can help you forget what day it is. 233 00:14:40,593 --> 00:14:43,113 You know, or your name, for that matter. 234 00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:44,239 You know, no. 235 00:14:44,263 --> 00:14:46,532 I am not interested in being a prize, 236 00:14:46,556 --> 00:14:51,246 albeit a shockingly-undervalued one, in your little sex game. 237 00:14:51,270 --> 00:14:53,039 Fine. 238 00:14:53,063 --> 00:14:59,087 I lost my manipulative, gorgeous, psychopath ex 239 00:14:59,111 --> 00:15:05,785 and my sweet, kind, unfocused fiancé. 240 00:15:08,037 --> 00:15:09,806 I don't have a home anymore. 241 00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:11,540 Yeah, Chapman, you do. 242 00:15:12,875 --> 00:15:14,853 This shit pile. 243 00:15:14,877 --> 00:15:16,938 Home sweet home. 244 00:15:16,962 --> 00:15:18,231 Look, I gotta say, 245 00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,483 your unfocused fiancé is on the right track with this article shit. 246 00:15:20,507 --> 00:15:24,237 I mean, this is like my 20th time trying to fix a short in this panel alone. 247 00:15:24,261 --> 00:15:25,512 Nobody's spending money here. 248 00:15:28,641 --> 00:15:31,620 Hey. Gallego said you were looking for me? 249 00:15:31,644 --> 00:15:35,666 Joe, these phone calls. They're amazing! 250 00:15:35,690 --> 00:15:37,834 Listen. 251 00:15:37,858 --> 00:15:40,461 I said to keep an eye on him, not fuck him! 252 00:15:40,485 --> 00:15:42,881 It was only in the ass. That don't count. 253 00:15:42,905 --> 00:15:44,132 I'm telling mom. 254 00:15:44,156 --> 00:15:45,300 Whoa. 255 00:15:45,324 --> 00:15:48,594 I know! Anyway. It's so interesting. All these lives. 256 00:15:48,618 --> 00:15:50,138 It's like reading Dickens! 257 00:15:50,162 --> 00:15:53,308 It's good. Showing initiative. 258 00:15:53,332 --> 00:15:55,601 Maybe it'll help get fig off my ass. 259 00:15:55,625 --> 00:15:58,438 You know she asked me to impose a shot quota? 260 00:15:58,462 --> 00:16:00,398 This is ridiculous. 261 00:16:00,422 --> 00:16:02,507 I love that you stand up to her. 262 00:16:05,344 --> 00:16:09,306 So, how are things going with... what's his name? 263 00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:14,579 They're not going. He wore a lot of vests. 264 00:16:14,603 --> 00:16:16,414 Ah. 265 00:16:16,438 --> 00:16:19,710 Well, that happens. 266 00:16:19,734 --> 00:16:23,004 You know, I play in this band... 267 00:16:23,028 --> 00:16:25,631 You're in a band? Wow! 268 00:16:25,655 --> 00:16:27,032 Yeah? 269 00:16:28,492 --> 00:16:31,161 Yeah. It's no big deal. 270 00:16:32,287 --> 00:16:35,726 We play in town tomorrow night. You wanna come? 271 00:16:35,750 --> 00:16:38,418 Oh, I'm working the Valentine's party. 272 00:16:40,587 --> 00:16:41,756 I'll get you off. 273 00:16:43,841 --> 00:16:45,300 I'll get you off the schedule. 274 00:16:47,469 --> 00:16:49,698 I can get your shift covered. It's fine. 275 00:16:49,722 --> 00:16:53,034 Well, I do love music! That'd be awesome. 276 00:16:53,058 --> 00:16:54,518 - Thanks. - Great. 277 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:58,731 - I'll see you there then! - Okay. 278 00:17:03,610 --> 00:17:08,174 I had this thing with my boss at Long John Silver's. 279 00:17:08,198 --> 00:17:11,076 And then I found out his wife was wicked hot. 280 00:17:12,912 --> 00:17:15,431 So that was nice. 281 00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:17,893 "'How do you know I'm mad?' Said Alice. 282 00:17:17,917 --> 00:17:21,730 "'You must be, ' said the cat, 'or you wouldn't have come here.'" 283 00:17:21,754 --> 00:17:25,191 Mmm. Shit. You right. 284 00:17:25,215 --> 00:17:27,592 Lewis Carroll must have gone to prison. 285 00:17:28,886 --> 00:17:31,114 RJ's mom was named Alice. 286 00:17:31,138 --> 00:17:33,742 Oh, yeah? She fall down a rabbit hole? 287 00:17:33,766 --> 00:17:35,911 - No. A crack hole. - Ah. 288 00:17:35,935 --> 00:17:38,830 She found a little rock. Said "smoke me," on it. 289 00:17:38,854 --> 00:17:41,731 That's not funny. That shit was serious. 290 00:17:43,275 --> 00:17:45,962 "Smoke me." You a dumb-ass. 291 00:17:45,986 --> 00:17:48,506 Jefferson. Say goodbye. You're on custodial now. 292 00:17:48,530 --> 00:17:49,758 Already? 293 00:17:49,782 --> 00:17:53,261 - Wait. You leaving? - Yeah. 294 00:17:53,285 --> 00:17:56,014 Remember, I told you Vee was getting something together? 295 00:17:56,038 --> 00:17:58,683 But why would you leave the library, man? You know you love it here. 296 00:17:58,707 --> 00:18:00,167 You don't understand. 297 00:18:01,168 --> 00:18:02,795 I owe her. 298 00:18:04,296 --> 00:18:07,608 She could probably get you transferred, I bet. 299 00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:08,675 Nah. 300 00:18:09,844 --> 00:18:11,511 No, I know when I got it good. 301 00:18:12,637 --> 00:18:15,975 Okay. Well, I'll see you at dinner. 302 00:18:29,654 --> 00:18:30,655 Anything? 303 00:18:31,281 --> 00:18:32,282 Higher maybe. 304 00:18:32,782 --> 00:18:33,844 Wait. 305 00:18:33,868 --> 00:18:34,928 Leg cramp. 306 00:18:34,952 --> 00:18:35,995 Sorry. 307 00:18:40,332 --> 00:18:42,084 Okay. 308 00:18:47,965 --> 00:18:48,966 That's nice. 309 00:18:49,508 --> 00:18:51,010 - Yeah? Yeah? - Yeah. 310 00:18:53,178 --> 00:18:54,239 No. 311 00:18:54,263 --> 00:18:55,656 It's gone. 312 00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,808 I told you scissoring wasn't a thing. 313 00:19:12,697 --> 00:19:14,658 There's a saying about love. 314 00:19:15,742 --> 00:19:17,995 There's a million sayings about love. 315 00:19:19,538 --> 00:19:21,123 I'm thinking of the one that says, 316 00:19:21,415 --> 00:19:23,792 "Love is not about staring at each other, 317 00:19:25,252 --> 00:19:27,504 but staring off in the same direction." 318 00:19:29,798 --> 00:19:31,133 I don't like that one. 319 00:19:32,217 --> 00:19:34,386 I love staring at you too much. 320 00:19:44,063 --> 00:19:45,105 I'm thirsty. 321 00:19:57,451 --> 00:19:58,911 Lemme get that. 322 00:20:11,548 --> 00:20:12,799 Oh, yeah. 323 00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:15,385 More. 324 00:20:19,639 --> 00:20:21,141 What the fuck? 325 00:21:28,875 --> 00:21:31,396 - Just this. - It's on the list. 326 00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:33,106 - It's fucking vapor! - Give me a break, Eliqua. 327 00:21:33,130 --> 00:21:36,883 Caputo's up my ass today. Put it in your car. Next. 328 00:21:47,936 --> 00:21:49,896 Pat-downs are mandatory now. 329 00:22:02,367 --> 00:22:04,012 I'm just kidding. 330 00:22:04,036 --> 00:22:06,514 I don't wanna touch that peg-leg shit. 331 00:22:06,538 --> 00:22:09,374 Happy Valentine's Day. Next. 332 00:22:20,719 --> 00:22:21,886 Look at this shit. 333 00:22:24,139 --> 00:22:27,058 You're lucky you're pretty. You know that, right? 334 00:22:28,268 --> 00:22:30,037 What does that one say? 335 00:22:30,061 --> 00:22:34,524 "Ian." In case he shows up today. Stupid. 336 00:22:35,525 --> 00:22:37,111 Shit. 337 00:22:42,073 --> 00:22:44,243 I'm so glad we're family. 338 00:23:01,176 --> 00:23:04,929 - Happy Valentine's Day. - Thanks. 339 00:23:07,349 --> 00:23:10,786 Are you cooking up something special for me today? 340 00:23:10,810 --> 00:23:12,646 The house smells great. 341 00:23:13,647 --> 00:23:17,418 That's what you're gonna expect me to do? Cook for you? Be your little housewife? 342 00:23:17,442 --> 00:23:18,586 It's not happening. 343 00:23:18,610 --> 00:23:22,006 No. I thought we were playing the... 344 00:23:22,030 --> 00:23:23,448 I don't care if you cook. 345 00:23:24,449 --> 00:23:27,035 Sorry. I've just been depressed today. 346 00:23:28,119 --> 00:23:30,806 I don't want to play the normal game anymore 347 00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,667 'cause I don't know how we ever are gonna be normal. 348 00:23:39,256 --> 00:23:41,567 Well, just so you know. Counselors can be a great resource 349 00:23:41,591 --> 00:23:44,529 if you feel like you need to talk or cry or something. 350 00:23:44,553 --> 00:23:45,946 - Who'd you get? - Healy. 351 00:23:45,970 --> 00:23:47,031 Oh. 352 00:23:47,055 --> 00:23:49,116 - What's wrong? - Nothing. 353 00:23:49,140 --> 00:23:51,994 I just get the sense that none of the girls really like him. 354 00:23:52,018 --> 00:23:53,978 But you're tough, you'll be fine. 355 00:23:56,064 --> 00:24:00,961 Have you noticed we've been blowing a lot of fuses around here lately? 356 00:24:00,985 --> 00:24:02,797 You're just noticing this place is falling apart? 357 00:24:02,821 --> 00:24:05,841 Doesn't the prison have a budget for infrastructure? 358 00:24:05,865 --> 00:24:07,177 Sure. 359 00:24:07,201 --> 00:24:11,222 And what happened to the electrical budget from last quarter? 360 00:24:11,246 --> 00:24:15,310 It went to "upgrading the A block grid and loading dock panel." 361 00:24:15,334 --> 00:24:16,769 Really? We did that? 362 00:24:16,793 --> 00:24:18,229 That's what the budget report says. 363 00:24:18,253 --> 00:24:20,315 - So we did it? - Okay. 364 00:24:20,339 --> 00:24:21,816 - So it happened? - Why not? 365 00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,818 I don't understand. 366 00:24:23,842 --> 00:24:26,237 Trust me. You don't want to. 367 00:24:26,261 --> 00:24:31,600 Congratulations. Hour's up. You just earned another 11 cents. 368 00:24:36,355 --> 00:24:40,484 All right, everybody. Dolphin pose. 369 00:24:48,533 --> 00:24:50,694 You know, I think I can help you with the dolphin pose. 370 00:24:50,702 --> 00:24:53,097 The trick is to make sure that your pelvic basin is just right... 371 00:24:53,121 --> 00:24:54,539 Get away from me. 372 00:25:09,388 --> 00:25:12,391 No way! Thanks, Red. 373 00:25:17,396 --> 00:25:21,024 Red! Bless you! 374 00:25:25,404 --> 00:25:28,990 Now, let's return to dolphin pose. 375 00:25:31,951 --> 00:25:33,077 Kukicha tea. 376 00:25:36,331 --> 00:25:37,707 Well, look who's back. 377 00:25:41,795 --> 00:25:45,924 Sorry to interrupt, girls. Continue with your dolphins. 378 00:25:50,136 --> 00:25:52,889 Fuck, just bagged a four-pointer. 379 00:25:58,520 --> 00:26:00,605 We're almost tied. 380 00:26:04,776 --> 00:26:05,777 Listen up. 381 00:26:06,778 --> 00:26:09,280 This angry nonsense has to stop. 382 00:26:11,032 --> 00:26:13,803 We're going to need each other soon. 383 00:26:13,827 --> 00:26:15,244 All of us. 384 00:26:30,344 --> 00:26:31,720 I'm not kidding, Nicky. 385 00:26:32,846 --> 00:26:36,516 We have to stick together. We're stronger together. 386 00:26:37,809 --> 00:26:39,644 So you try to buy their love back? 387 00:26:41,438 --> 00:26:43,064 Yeah. Thanks, Red. 388 00:26:52,699 --> 00:26:55,076 Why are you asking me that? 389 00:26:56,202 --> 00:27:00,665 You shouldn't be talking to me. So... you shouldn't be... 390 00:27:02,584 --> 00:27:05,521 - Fourteen foot powders. - Check. 391 00:27:05,545 --> 00:27:08,524 - Twenty Effergrips. - Check that. 392 00:27:08,548 --> 00:27:10,901 Remember when we sold smokes? 393 00:27:10,925 --> 00:27:13,404 God, I swear I'm gonna vote libertarian. 394 00:27:13,428 --> 00:27:16,305 I gotta run to my car. I'll be right back. 395 00:27:22,812 --> 00:27:24,164 Mind if I step out for a moment? 396 00:27:24,188 --> 00:27:25,940 I don't give a shit. 397 00:27:32,363 --> 00:27:33,716 Let me guess. 398 00:27:33,740 --> 00:27:39,430 "Yo, Vee, I'm just so mad since y'all got taystee transferred to custodial. 399 00:27:39,454 --> 00:27:43,249 "Just left me in the library with my titties in my hand." 400 00:27:44,751 --> 00:27:45,752 Close? 401 00:27:46,503 --> 00:27:49,380 No, you left out, "if you get her in trouble, I'll kill you." 402 00:27:52,091 --> 00:27:53,760 - Really? - Bet. 403 00:27:55,261 --> 00:27:57,639 - And how would you kill me? - I'll figure it out. 404 00:27:59,223 --> 00:28:03,061 I know she thinks she owes you, but from what I heard, 405 00:28:04,395 --> 00:28:08,250 you're just a bully who uses lost kids for her own shit 406 00:28:08,274 --> 00:28:10,836 and then dumps 'em soon as the heat comes down. 407 00:28:10,860 --> 00:28:12,070 You're a fucking vampire. 408 00:28:13,112 --> 00:28:16,908 There was this kid growing up. Name was Haro Jones. 409 00:28:19,619 --> 00:28:21,996 He had these arms. I just wanted to... 410 00:28:23,247 --> 00:28:27,102 Lick the length of his arms. 411 00:28:27,126 --> 00:28:29,796 And then one day I walked into the park. 412 00:28:31,506 --> 00:28:34,133 Found his hand up Jamela Larkin's skirt. 413 00:28:35,259 --> 00:28:36,487 Broke my poor fool heart. 414 00:28:36,511 --> 00:28:39,156 Look, lady, I don't give a fuck about your little stories and shit... 415 00:28:39,180 --> 00:28:40,264 Taystee... 416 00:28:41,808 --> 00:28:42,809 Will... 417 00:28:44,227 --> 00:28:45,830 Never... 418 00:28:45,854 --> 00:28:47,665 Love... 419 00:28:47,689 --> 00:28:48,732 You. 420 00:28:49,816 --> 00:28:52,026 She will never love you. 421 00:28:53,862 --> 00:28:55,447 Not the way you want. 422 00:29:02,286 --> 00:29:04,330 Yo, I don't want her like that. 423 00:29:05,665 --> 00:29:09,461 I'm just looking out for her. That's all. 424 00:29:27,646 --> 00:29:32,692 Yo, pops, some fucking Chinese soldiers was just smoking right outside my window. 425 00:29:37,030 --> 00:29:38,549 I'm so sorry. 426 00:29:38,573 --> 00:29:40,468 What? Where's mom? 427 00:29:40,492 --> 00:29:41,576 She's fine. 428 00:29:42,827 --> 00:29:44,805 We're being transferred back to the States. 429 00:29:44,829 --> 00:29:47,749 I don't know why, but we are. 430 00:29:50,502 --> 00:29:51,729 What? 431 00:29:51,753 --> 00:29:53,087 Sorry. 432 00:29:54,714 --> 00:29:56,633 I let you both down, P. 433 00:29:59,719 --> 00:30:01,763 I don't know what to say. 434 00:30:17,571 --> 00:30:18,822 All right. 435 00:30:28,540 --> 00:30:31,543 Jesus! What the... 436 00:30:44,764 --> 00:30:46,057 You're out of bounds, Chapman. 437 00:30:47,559 --> 00:30:50,562 Well, I won't tell if you don't. 438 00:30:54,107 --> 00:30:55,483 Treating us like we're prisoners. 439 00:30:57,736 --> 00:31:03,258 Hey, you know, I heard that there were plans to build a gym here. 440 00:31:03,282 --> 00:31:04,969 Do you know whatever happened to that? 441 00:31:04,993 --> 00:31:06,077 What always happens. 442 00:31:07,078 --> 00:31:08,663 I'll take it from here. 443 00:31:12,792 --> 00:31:14,645 Just looking for a faulty wire. 444 00:31:14,669 --> 00:31:16,921 Why are you asking Maxwell about a gym? 445 00:31:17,964 --> 00:31:20,776 From what I hear, you're full of questions lately. 446 00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:22,612 You know that I have always been interested 447 00:31:22,636 --> 00:31:24,721 in the health and safety of others. 448 00:31:25,805 --> 00:31:27,908 I'm trying to help you with your nana. 449 00:31:27,932 --> 00:31:31,269 So again, why are you asking all these questions? 450 00:31:40,111 --> 00:31:42,864 "Freedom of the press shouldn't only be a privilege of the free." 451 00:31:44,448 --> 00:31:47,177 What the fuck does that mean? 452 00:31:47,201 --> 00:31:49,328 What does the press have anything to do with this? 453 00:31:52,666 --> 00:31:54,810 I'm starting a prison newsletter. 454 00:31:54,834 --> 00:31:56,628 - A newsletter? - A newsletter. 455 00:31:57,712 --> 00:32:00,983 A newsletter... written by the prisoners... 456 00:32:01,007 --> 00:32:06,739 with articles and Op-Ed pieces. 457 00:32:06,763 --> 00:32:08,616 That is why I've been trying to get out of my bubble 458 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,409 and get to know this place. 459 00:32:10,433 --> 00:32:13,477 We... this is our home. 460 00:32:15,146 --> 00:32:17,750 We should all be communicating more. 461 00:32:17,774 --> 00:32:21,921 Inmates, guards, administration. 462 00:32:21,945 --> 00:32:24,256 This could really, 463 00:32:24,280 --> 00:32:30,328 really help us get to know each other and this place better. 464 00:32:33,039 --> 00:32:36,584 Pending your approval, of course, 465 00:32:38,753 --> 00:32:42,817 Mr. Editor-In-Chief. 466 00:32:42,841 --> 00:32:44,092 Don't oversell it. 467 00:32:50,890 --> 00:32:52,433 - A newsletter? - Mmm. 468 00:32:54,102 --> 00:32:56,771 Okay. I'm not saying yes. 469 00:32:58,189 --> 00:33:00,334 Show me some sample stories by tomorrow. 470 00:33:00,358 --> 00:33:03,027 Tomorrow? Sure. Okay. Yeah. 471 00:33:05,404 --> 00:33:07,490 The girls used to like me. 472 00:33:10,869 --> 00:33:12,661 They will again. 473 00:33:15,874 --> 00:33:18,251 Hey, hey, hey. How my girls doing? 474 00:33:23,089 --> 00:33:24,090 Ooh. 475 00:33:25,216 --> 00:33:27,593 Why you got your famous pouty face on? 476 00:33:28,887 --> 00:33:30,614 I don't understand what you doing. 477 00:33:30,638 --> 00:33:32,742 Yeah? And how many times have you not understood my methods 478 00:33:32,766 --> 00:33:35,077 only to have everything be made clear? 479 00:33:35,101 --> 00:33:37,371 Yeah, like when the cops were after RJ? 480 00:33:37,395 --> 00:33:41,458 God damn! You done gone for the nuclear option early. 481 00:33:41,482 --> 00:33:43,711 Why don't you ever wanna talk about RJ? 482 00:33:43,735 --> 00:33:47,631 Because it's in the past, girl. I live in the now. So should you. 483 00:33:47,655 --> 00:33:52,344 All damn day I've been scrubbing toilets, defending you. 484 00:33:52,368 --> 00:33:54,346 And I don't even believe in you anymore! 485 00:33:54,370 --> 00:33:55,680 - Taystee. - No! 486 00:33:55,704 --> 00:33:57,516 You don't have a plan. 487 00:33:57,540 --> 00:34:00,519 You just wanna prove that you can order me around. 488 00:34:00,543 --> 00:34:02,396 But no, not anymore. 489 00:34:02,420 --> 00:34:03,898 - Open the box. - What? 490 00:34:03,922 --> 00:34:05,714 Open the box. 491 00:34:11,930 --> 00:34:14,766 Man, I told you. I'm done cleaning. 492 00:34:17,060 --> 00:34:18,602 What are you doing? 493 00:34:19,938 --> 00:34:22,273 What? Tobacco? 494 00:34:24,943 --> 00:34:26,820 But where's the cleanser? 495 00:34:34,472 --> 00:34:37,357 __ 496 00:34:46,965 --> 00:34:49,318 Okay, it's like getting into a bath, 497 00:34:49,342 --> 00:34:53,030 but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. 498 00:34:53,054 --> 00:34:56,826 And the smiths are playing there is a light that never goes out. 499 00:34:56,850 --> 00:35:01,896 Oh. There's warm lighting all over and there're like five dudes massaging you. 500 00:35:03,647 --> 00:35:05,667 And you have a pizza. 501 00:35:05,691 --> 00:35:08,361 She's right. And you also have a pizza. 502 00:35:14,492 --> 00:35:17,495 Hey, I got some hooch from that Greek chick with the beard. 503 00:35:22,166 --> 00:35:24,769 - That's pretty good! - Yeah? 504 00:35:24,793 --> 00:35:29,984 Fischer's out today. Apparently having her woman time. 505 00:35:30,008 --> 00:35:31,819 Oh. 506 00:35:31,843 --> 00:35:32,987 Where's Joe? 507 00:35:33,011 --> 00:35:36,073 He's out, too. Yeah. 508 00:35:36,097 --> 00:35:39,534 Let 'em have their stupid little party and then don't put enough muscle on. 509 00:35:39,558 --> 00:35:41,161 So typical. 510 00:35:41,185 --> 00:35:43,705 Bronikowski, leave room for Jesus. 511 00:35:43,729 --> 00:35:46,649 I will shut this thing down in a heartbeat. 512 00:35:48,692 --> 00:35:50,361 You know what's funny? 513 00:35:51,529 --> 00:35:54,032 I'm in a women's prison, 514 00:35:55,699 --> 00:35:58,178 but I don't understand women at all. 515 00:35:58,202 --> 00:36:00,764 I'll tell you something about women, Bennett. 516 00:36:00,788 --> 00:36:03,851 With women, you make 'em think you're meeting them halfway, 517 00:36:03,875 --> 00:36:05,602 when really what you're doing is 518 00:36:05,626 --> 00:36:08,922 you're meeting them about 10% to 15% of the way. 519 00:36:10,381 --> 00:36:14,302 Women are really bad at math. Don't forget that. 520 00:36:16,095 --> 00:36:17,846 I won't, sir. 521 00:36:22,726 --> 00:36:25,646 - Did Jack call yet? - Who? 522 00:36:37,283 --> 00:36:40,578 Listen, Daya. I know we can't be normal, but... 523 00:36:41,245 --> 00:36:42,890 Shh. 524 00:36:42,914 --> 00:36:45,666 Take me somewhere. Now. 525 00:36:55,634 --> 00:36:57,971 Wow. They're bigger! 526 00:37:01,975 --> 00:37:03,476 Let's go. 527 00:37:40,638 --> 00:37:41,639 What is this? 528 00:37:42,931 --> 00:37:45,101 Yo! 529 00:37:47,853 --> 00:37:49,456 Close your eyes. 530 00:37:49,480 --> 00:37:51,190 - What? Why? - Close 'em. 531 00:37:54,652 --> 00:37:56,237 Open your lips. 532 00:37:58,322 --> 00:37:59,967 Less. 533 00:37:59,991 --> 00:38:01,159 - T... - Do it. 534 00:38:10,668 --> 00:38:13,587 What? What's this? A cigarette? 535 00:38:15,256 --> 00:38:19,153 We in business, P! Vee's got a whole sales plan. 536 00:38:19,177 --> 00:38:22,281 We getting paid! I told you. 537 00:38:22,305 --> 00:38:25,058 Next-level Mr. Miyagi shit, son! 538 00:38:29,687 --> 00:38:31,230 Tell your father to fight! 539 00:38:32,065 --> 00:38:33,066 Won't help. 540 00:38:33,482 --> 00:38:34,733 Your father wants us gone, 541 00:38:34,983 --> 00:38:35,984 we're gone. 542 00:38:36,319 --> 00:38:37,320 Then I'm coming with you. 543 00:38:37,861 --> 00:38:39,697 Don't think Jersey's for you. 544 00:38:41,282 --> 00:38:42,366 I love you, Poussey. 545 00:38:44,202 --> 00:38:45,203 Look. 546 00:38:45,619 --> 00:38:47,371 You're fun to fuck, 547 00:38:48,414 --> 00:38:49,707 but that's it. 548 00:38:50,041 --> 00:38:52,085 You're the love of my life. 549 00:38:52,668 --> 00:38:56,630 You have killer tits. I'll remember those. 550 00:38:56,839 --> 00:38:58,382 Yesterday you loved me! 551 00:38:59,217 --> 00:39:00,718 How can you just shut down like that? 552 00:39:02,053 --> 00:39:03,887 I've had a lot of practice. 553 00:39:20,738 --> 00:39:23,217 Well, that was unexpected. 554 00:39:23,241 --> 00:39:26,494 Sorry. I was in a mood before. 555 00:39:29,247 --> 00:39:31,290 You're the sweetest man. 556 00:39:33,292 --> 00:39:34,335 Here. 557 00:39:42,593 --> 00:39:44,011 Look at the dog! 558 00:39:45,971 --> 00:39:47,556 This is so great. 559 00:39:49,267 --> 00:39:50,910 So was this. 560 00:39:50,934 --> 00:39:52,936 Mmm. This. 561 00:39:57,233 --> 00:39:59,110 Sneaky, sneaky man. 562 00:40:04,072 --> 00:40:08,827 See? We can be a normal couple. Except you misspelled "Valentine's." 563 00:40:11,289 --> 00:40:12,498 No, I didn't. 564 00:40:14,250 --> 00:40:16,127 Mendez did. 565 00:40:30,808 --> 00:40:31,809 Hi. 566 00:40:34,312 --> 00:40:36,623 I was wondering if I could ask you a few questions 567 00:40:36,647 --> 00:40:38,333 for a newsletter we're starting. 568 00:40:38,357 --> 00:40:42,379 A newsletter? Okay, good luck. 569 00:40:42,403 --> 00:40:46,490 So, since it's Valentine's Day, 570 00:40:47,825 --> 00:40:49,803 what is love to you? 571 00:40:49,827 --> 00:40:51,471 How would you define love? 572 00:40:51,495 --> 00:40:53,956 That's a retarded fucking question. 573 00:40:55,666 --> 00:40:57,335 Okay. Um... 574 00:40:59,253 --> 00:41:00,629 How about this? 575 00:41:01,839 --> 00:41:03,275 When was the last time 576 00:41:03,299 --> 00:41:06,635 you saw any major plumbing work being done around here? 577 00:41:07,845 --> 00:41:09,281 Hmm. 578 00:41:09,305 --> 00:41:13,660 - '04 to '05, maybe? - '04 to '05. 579 00:41:13,684 --> 00:41:18,356 This fatso named Donna Cusio broke three toilets in one week. 580 00:41:19,607 --> 00:41:21,984 It was a mess, man. 581 00:41:26,530 --> 00:41:30,201 I bet. Big, big woman. 582 00:41:36,749 --> 00:41:39,293 This is Katya. Leave a message. 583 00:41:42,045 --> 00:41:43,631 Hi, honey. 584 00:41:44,382 --> 00:41:45,383 It's me. 585 00:41:48,010 --> 00:41:51,555 I just wanted to call and wish you a happy Valentine's Day. 586 00:41:55,226 --> 00:41:56,810 Would you like... 587 00:41:57,185 --> 00:41:58,229 to dance... 588 00:41:58,729 --> 00:42:00,022 with me? 589 00:42:05,611 --> 00:42:07,405 I learned that for you. 590 00:42:09,698 --> 00:42:13,952 I'm a good man, Katya. You'll see that. 591 00:42:15,704 --> 00:42:20,167 I'm gonna make you really proud to be married to this big galoot. 592 00:42:21,544 --> 00:42:23,045 I swear to... 593 00:42:37,685 --> 00:42:39,413 What the fuck you mean there's no Ferris? 594 00:42:39,437 --> 00:42:41,248 No, okay. Hear me out. 595 00:42:41,272 --> 00:42:42,916 Ferris is just a projection 596 00:42:42,940 --> 00:42:46,670 of Cameron's inability to stand up to his domineering father. 597 00:42:46,694 --> 00:42:51,258 But here's the mind-fuck. Cameron never actually leaves his room! 598 00:42:51,282 --> 00:42:52,342 Remember, he's sick. 599 00:42:52,366 --> 00:42:57,889 He invents this idealized self, Ferris. Plus his, like, 30-year-old girlfriend. 600 00:42:57,913 --> 00:43:00,099 And then imagines this epic adventure 601 00:43:00,123 --> 00:43:03,603 with car chases, parades, ball games, blah, blah, blah. 602 00:43:03,627 --> 00:43:04,938 So this day off 603 00:43:04,962 --> 00:43:08,107 is actually just the day off from his rigid coherence to mind-body alignment... 604 00:43:08,131 --> 00:43:10,634 Would you please shut the fuck up? 605 00:43:12,636 --> 00:43:15,473 Sorry. It's just a theory I read. 606 00:43:18,476 --> 00:43:21,079 Next time, just sit on her face. It shuts her right up. 607 00:43:21,103 --> 00:43:23,522 I'll keep that in mind. 608 00:43:39,663 --> 00:43:40,748 Why are you ignoring me? 609 00:43:43,250 --> 00:43:46,229 Why are you ignoring me? Spit it out! Come on! 610 00:43:46,253 --> 00:43:50,400 Look, you've been lording over this group like some Hillary Clinton dictator. 611 00:43:50,424 --> 00:43:51,904 - What? - And we wanna be a democracy. 612 00:43:51,925 --> 00:43:53,511 Are you calling me Hillary Clinton? 613 00:43:54,345 --> 00:43:55,971 If the pantsuit fits. 614 00:43:57,305 --> 00:43:59,266 Look, we're done with you. Right? 615 00:44:00,183 --> 00:44:01,810 Y'all are done with me? 616 00:44:03,437 --> 00:44:06,040 That's really funny. That's really funny, Leanne. 617 00:44:06,064 --> 00:44:08,251 'Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton, 618 00:44:08,275 --> 00:44:12,255 then y'all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, slurpee-drinking, 619 00:44:12,279 --> 00:44:17,743 fourth-grade reading level, daddy-on-cops, trailer trash nothing! 620 00:44:19,286 --> 00:44:20,347 And you know what? It's okay 621 00:44:20,371 --> 00:44:22,599 'cause you ain't never even challenged me anyway. 622 00:44:22,623 --> 00:44:25,268 Actually, you know what? None of you did. Not one. 623 00:44:25,292 --> 00:44:27,937 You keep playing tennis with someone worse than you 624 00:44:27,961 --> 00:44:30,774 and you ain't never gonna get better. So thank you. 625 00:44:30,798 --> 00:44:33,884 - You play tennis? - It's a metaphor, you potato with eyes! 626 00:44:36,136 --> 00:44:39,949 You know what? Pardon my French, but you can eat my shit. 627 00:44:39,973 --> 00:44:41,034 Whore. 628 00:44:41,058 --> 00:44:42,476 Whore. Whore. 629 00:44:45,729 --> 00:44:47,898 Man, that was awkward. 630 00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:52,128 - Angie? - Yeah? 631 00:44:52,152 --> 00:44:53,821 Go get me some punch. 632 00:44:56,406 --> 00:44:57,575 Fine. 633 00:45:17,470 --> 00:45:18,637 Great party. 634 00:45:19,680 --> 00:45:22,241 Listen, we are so happy 635 00:45:22,265 --> 00:45:28,081 that you and Daya are having such fun, special, secret times together. 636 00:45:28,105 --> 00:45:31,084 And we really admire you providing for her so well. 637 00:45:31,108 --> 00:45:32,919 You know, despite the circumstances. 638 00:45:32,943 --> 00:45:34,504 And we just wanted to let you know 639 00:45:34,528 --> 00:45:38,341 that we support you 500% with our continued silence. 640 00:45:38,365 --> 00:45:41,886 Considering as such, in your next round of leg-based contraband, 641 00:45:41,910 --> 00:45:43,262 we had a couple requests 642 00:45:43,286 --> 00:45:46,349 that could make our aforementioned silence a little bit more comfortable. 643 00:45:46,373 --> 00:45:49,644 I mean, I, personally, request an iPod Shuffle. 644 00:45:49,668 --> 00:45:54,023 You know, loaded with alt and post-punk, depeche mode, erasure... 645 00:45:54,047 --> 00:45:57,611 And I need yoo-hoo and act fluoride rinse for my teeth. 646 00:45:57,635 --> 00:46:00,638 A cell phone. With a camera. Thank you. 647 00:46:01,805 --> 00:46:03,366 Happy Valentine's Day. 648 00:46:03,390 --> 00:46:05,100 - Thanks. - Okay. 649 00:46:09,104 --> 00:46:10,999 You know, that's a fucking low blow, 650 00:46:11,023 --> 00:46:13,459 even for a filthy sewer rat like you, Nichols. Really. 651 00:46:13,483 --> 00:46:15,629 You told people I have crabs. 652 00:46:15,653 --> 00:46:18,172 You just found out about that? 653 00:46:18,196 --> 00:46:19,257 It is cheating! 654 00:46:19,281 --> 00:46:22,844 Come on. A-rod doesn't cry when he gets plunked in Beantown. 655 00:46:22,868 --> 00:46:24,804 He sucks it up and tries to steal second. 656 00:46:24,828 --> 00:46:26,973 I've been trying to both suck and steal second, 657 00:46:26,997 --> 00:46:29,037 but I can't because everybody thinks I have cooties! 658 00:46:30,543 --> 00:46:33,479 Speaking of a set, how many you got? 659 00:46:33,503 --> 00:46:34,648 Thirty-six. 660 00:46:34,672 --> 00:46:37,692 After I gave Pirkle the double shocker in the showers just now. 661 00:46:37,716 --> 00:46:39,485 Really? You Pirkled? 662 00:46:39,509 --> 00:46:41,655 Oh, I Pirkled and then I Pirkled again. 663 00:46:41,679 --> 00:46:45,074 - And? - It was gnarly. 664 00:46:45,098 --> 00:46:46,576 It's macroclit. 665 00:46:46,600 --> 00:46:48,870 - It was like blowing a toddler. - Oh, my God! 666 00:46:48,894 --> 00:46:51,998 - It was so uncomfortable. - That's fucking hilarious. 667 00:46:52,022 --> 00:46:55,734 Oh, God! So 36. We're tied. 668 00:46:56,777 --> 00:46:58,070 - Yep. - Yeah. 669 00:46:59,237 --> 00:47:01,925 - Hey, do you wanna just stop? - Have you considered maybe we just stop? 670 00:47:01,949 --> 00:47:04,385 - Because I could do that. - I don't have to but if you want to. 671 00:47:04,409 --> 00:47:08,347 - 'Cause we both fucked... - Lots. 672 00:47:08,371 --> 00:47:11,267 Remind me why we did this to ourselves in the first place. 673 00:47:11,291 --> 00:47:13,394 Because I am insanely competitive. 674 00:47:13,418 --> 00:47:16,546 And I need to feed my addictive tendencies at all times. 675 00:47:19,091 --> 00:47:20,860 Cookie-eating contest? 676 00:47:20,884 --> 00:47:24,197 Son, have you ever actually seen me? 677 00:47:24,221 --> 00:47:26,431 - You are going down. - Get out... 678 00:47:40,278 --> 00:47:42,591 Thanks, guys. That was for Cora. 679 00:47:42,615 --> 00:47:46,243 We're gonna miss your laugh, corndog. And we're gonna take five. 680 00:47:49,997 --> 00:47:54,268 Hey! You made it! We're just going on break. 681 00:47:54,292 --> 00:47:57,230 Wow. You look so different. 682 00:47:57,254 --> 00:48:01,008 Well, you know. I like to keep things profesh at work. 683 00:48:02,009 --> 00:48:03,903 I saved you a stool with a view. 684 00:48:03,927 --> 00:48:06,239 Actually, we're gonna need a table. 685 00:48:06,263 --> 00:48:09,367 - I didn't know you were coming. - You heard me say it sounded fun. 686 00:48:09,391 --> 00:48:11,831 I hope you don't mind I told some of the guys about your show. 687 00:48:11,852 --> 00:48:13,037 I almost didn't make it. 688 00:48:13,061 --> 00:48:16,666 Get this, the sellers are now refusing to drop the replacement contingency! 689 00:48:16,690 --> 00:48:18,292 Would you shut up about real estate? 690 00:48:18,316 --> 00:48:20,544 I asked you to move in with me and you said no. 691 00:48:20,568 --> 00:48:23,321 So you have no talking rights here. 692 00:48:24,322 --> 00:48:26,968 This is nice. Like a double date! 693 00:48:26,992 --> 00:48:29,137 - We're not together. - We're not together. 694 00:48:29,161 --> 00:48:30,762 Actually we're gonna need another chair. 695 00:48:31,579 --> 00:48:33,040 Why? 696 00:48:37,627 --> 00:48:39,587 You look like the gay Edge. 697 00:48:44,467 --> 00:48:46,219 Hey! 698 00:48:59,316 --> 00:49:04,071 It's like you become more you. Which normally is like... 699 00:49:06,990 --> 00:49:12,913 But now it's okay... Because the person, like, 700 00:49:15,623 --> 00:49:20,087 whoever, they chose to take all that on. 701 00:49:21,379 --> 00:49:23,107 All that weird stuff. 702 00:49:23,131 --> 00:49:27,594 Whatever's wrong or bad or hiding in you. 703 00:49:28,595 --> 00:49:30,848 Suddenly it's all right. 704 00:49:32,182 --> 00:49:34,893 You don't feel like such a freak anymore. 705 00:49:37,687 --> 00:49:38,897 Larry! 706 00:49:40,523 --> 00:49:42,609 Would the moon do this? 707 00:49:49,241 --> 00:49:50,450 I won! 708 00:49:52,995 --> 00:49:55,181 Larry! Good to see you, mate. 709 00:49:55,205 --> 00:49:56,349 Whew. 710 00:49:56,373 --> 00:49:58,351 Sorry about the stink. I killed a caribou! 711 00:49:58,375 --> 00:50:00,519 Less gamey marinated in pineapple juice. 712 00:50:00,543 --> 00:50:02,731 Also, makes your spunk taste good. 713 00:50:02,755 --> 00:50:06,525 So you're in luck, babe! What's that? 714 00:50:06,549 --> 00:50:07,861 Oh. It's, uh... 715 00:50:07,885 --> 00:50:10,196 It's Piper's stuff. 716 00:50:10,220 --> 00:50:13,491 Aw. Brother. Come on, we were just heading out for some ramen. 717 00:50:13,515 --> 00:50:15,785 You know, we have a babysitter! I'll leave these with the doorman. 718 00:50:15,809 --> 00:50:17,620 No, Pete. Really, I should... I... 719 00:50:17,644 --> 00:50:20,688 It's Valentine's Day, asshole! Come join us. 720 00:50:43,962 --> 00:50:47,358 I found this in your trash. 721 00:50:47,382 --> 00:50:48,758 And this is... 722 00:50:53,180 --> 00:50:55,515 The guy you always talking about? 723 00:50:58,768 --> 00:51:01,622 Yeah, I know something about loving people 724 00:51:01,646 --> 00:51:04,107 who aren't smart enough to wanna be loved back. 725 00:51:05,650 --> 00:51:08,046 But I learned a secret that I can tell you. 726 00:51:08,070 --> 00:51:09,404 They don't deserve it. 727 00:51:14,451 --> 00:51:17,180 He's ruined this day for me forever. 728 00:51:17,204 --> 00:51:19,808 Nobody knows that we're not together. 729 00:51:19,832 --> 00:51:22,667 Yeah, but you do. 730 00:51:29,132 --> 00:51:31,759 - I do. I do know. - Yeah. 731 00:51:38,934 --> 00:51:40,268 You know what is crazy? 732 00:51:41,394 --> 00:51:44,439 I still wanna believe in all of this stuff. 733 00:51:45,273 --> 00:51:48,068 Even after everything that's happened. 734 00:51:49,736 --> 00:51:52,155 - Isn't that sad? - Oh, no. 735 00:51:53,531 --> 00:51:55,742 I think that's brave. 736 00:51:57,244 --> 00:51:58,370 Thank you. 737 00:52:13,176 --> 00:52:17,764 Seriously. Do you think I should get fake tits? 738 00:52:20,267 --> 00:52:22,435 Yeah. Probably. 739 00:52:30,777 --> 00:52:32,195 Asshole. 740 00:52:36,033 --> 00:52:37,492 You know what gets me? 741 00:52:38,701 --> 00:52:43,224 We're wasting the best years of our lives in here. 742 00:52:43,248 --> 00:52:46,602 Like, our tits are never gonna look better. 743 00:52:46,626 --> 00:52:50,148 Our asses are never gonna look better. 744 00:52:50,172 --> 00:52:54,676 You know, no one's touching my ass. No one's kissing my lips. 745 00:52:55,928 --> 00:53:00,723 Shit. I'll kiss your dumb lips. 746 00:53:07,897 --> 00:53:09,066 Do it again. 747 00:53:29,252 --> 00:53:32,023 - No! - No! No. 748 00:53:32,047 --> 00:53:33,548 No. 749 00:53:35,092 --> 00:53:36,593 Come here. 750 00:53:39,429 --> 00:53:40,930 It's okay. 751 00:54:00,450 --> 00:54:03,972 Yo, P. Come and show these fools how to cabbage patch for real. 752 00:54:03,996 --> 00:54:05,348 Nah. I'm good. 753 00:54:05,372 --> 00:54:06,932 Man, don't act like everything fine. Like this... 754 00:54:06,956 --> 00:54:08,726 Yo. I don't interrupt you 755 00:54:08,750 --> 00:54:11,169 when you going to town on a bunch of spaghetti. Damn! 756 00:54:12,045 --> 00:54:15,048 Yo, why don't you head on back to old Erykah Badu over there? 757 00:54:16,633 --> 00:54:18,402 I'm gonna forget you said that. 758 00:54:18,426 --> 00:54:21,554 I don't give a fuck what you forget or remember! 759 00:54:22,639 --> 00:54:25,892 Oh, shit. Great! Thanks a lot, man. 760 00:54:31,064 --> 00:54:32,065 You should leave. 761 00:54:32,274 --> 00:54:33,376 Poussey! 762 00:54:33,400 --> 00:54:35,985 This is between me and your father. 763 00:54:36,278 --> 00:54:37,529 Hey! 764 00:54:40,073 --> 00:54:41,675 - Hey! - Well? 765 00:54:41,699 --> 00:54:43,969 - We're not leaving. - Talk to the Americans. 766 00:54:43,993 --> 00:54:48,331 Fuck you. Fuck you, man. This is your doing. You! 767 00:54:49,332 --> 00:54:50,413 Been drinking, little girl? 768 00:54:50,417 --> 00:54:51,519 Poussey, please. 769 00:54:51,543 --> 00:54:54,379 You don't get to decide what happens to my life! 770 00:54:55,422 --> 00:54:57,108 Not you! 771 00:54:57,132 --> 00:54:58,175 I love her. 772 00:55:02,011 --> 00:55:04,347 And that is why you're going home. 773 00:55:07,725 --> 00:55:10,228 I'm done. I'm not going anywhere. 774 00:55:16,276 --> 00:55:18,403 Pardon us, oberstleutnant. 775 00:55:20,197 --> 00:55:21,882 Enjoy your ice cream. 776 00:55:21,906 --> 00:55:23,634 You know, there are programs 777 00:55:23,658 --> 00:55:28,288 that can change your daughter's confused predilections. 778 00:55:29,747 --> 00:55:33,168 Thanks, but she's fine. 779 00:55:49,642 --> 00:55:51,353 My lady. 780 00:55:57,567 --> 00:55:59,378 Fun party. 781 00:55:59,402 --> 00:56:02,590 A party with no men, booze, real food or drugs. 782 00:56:02,614 --> 00:56:05,325 Good thing we're too old for any trouble. 783 00:56:06,701 --> 00:56:10,163 Right. How's the gardening going? 784 00:56:14,251 --> 00:56:18,189 Once the thaw comes, we'll really get going. 785 00:56:18,213 --> 00:56:20,257 Well, I'd ask you to join, 786 00:56:22,008 --> 00:56:24,511 but you clearly have your own hobbies. 787 00:56:25,303 --> 00:56:27,096 We gotta have people. 788 00:56:28,097 --> 00:56:30,892 You know this will not end well. 789 00:56:37,315 --> 00:56:38,900 You're retarded. 790 00:58:05,778 --> 00:58:07,697 What about you, Chapman? 791 00:58:09,366 --> 00:58:12,159 It's like coming home after a long trip. 792 00:58:17,457 --> 00:58:19,542 That's what love is like. 793 00:58:22,712 --> 00:58:24,422 It's like coming home. 794 00:58:28,218 --> 00:58:29,886 Thanks for asking.