1 00:02:10,979 --> 00:02:12,439 Shit. 2 00:02:26,954 --> 00:02:31,291 Oh! Sorry, Miss Rosa. It's colder than an Eskimo's nuts in here! 3 00:02:31,959 --> 00:02:34,938 I'm trying to get the heat going, but when I turn it up too high, 4 00:02:34,962 --> 00:02:37,297 a real bad smell comes out of the blowers. 5 00:02:37,422 --> 00:02:40,675 I think it's mouse shit. You know, they live in the engine. 6 00:02:40,843 --> 00:02:41,844 Just don't breathe in. 7 00:02:42,677 --> 00:02:45,263 I'm going to get poison pumped into my veins. 8 00:02:47,307 --> 00:02:49,535 What's a little mouse shit in my lungs? 9 00:02:49,559 --> 00:02:50,602 Ha! 10 00:02:51,394 --> 00:02:52,896 All set? Seat belts on. 11 00:03:08,703 --> 00:03:09,997 How's wedding planning going? 12 00:03:11,123 --> 00:03:14,626 We're holdin' off for a minute. Just pressin' the pause button. 13 00:03:15,878 --> 00:03:19,339 Too many people wanna come, you know? I got a big family. 14 00:03:19,547 --> 00:03:24,511 Big, number-wise, not big fat. Although, there are some fatties. 15 00:03:25,512 --> 00:03:28,407 And it's hard for me to book all the vendors from in here. 16 00:03:28,431 --> 00:03:31,202 You know, none of 'em are on my approved call list. 17 00:03:31,226 --> 00:03:35,022 Weddings were bad luck for me. All my husbands died. 18 00:03:35,147 --> 00:03:36,332 How many were there? 19 00:03:36,356 --> 00:03:38,775 Two. The third one I wouldn't marry. 20 00:03:39,401 --> 00:03:43,923 Once you know you got a curse on you, you can work around it. 21 00:03:43,947 --> 00:03:45,424 He lives in Canarsie. 22 00:03:45,448 --> 00:03:48,952 I didn't know that. You never talk about your life. 23 00:03:49,077 --> 00:03:51,538 Nobody cares. 24 00:03:53,248 --> 00:03:54,791 How much time you got left? 25 00:03:55,417 --> 00:03:56,584 More than two years. 26 00:03:58,295 --> 00:04:02,465 You're still young, pretty. You got your whole life ahead of you. 27 00:04:03,258 --> 00:04:04,467 Me? 28 00:04:06,553 --> 00:04:08,638 I'm gonna die here. 29 00:04:15,478 --> 00:04:17,022 Where the heck have you been? 30 00:04:17,397 --> 00:04:18,582 At the movies. 31 00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:22,777 Perfect. In the middle of the day. What'd you see? 32 00:04:22,945 --> 00:04:25,423 - Twilight. - For what, the 14th time? 33 00:04:25,447 --> 00:04:27,258 Don't you live the fuckin' life of leisure? 34 00:04:27,282 --> 00:04:30,719 Hey, Noise Pollution One and Two, I'm trying to watch my program here. 35 00:04:30,743 --> 00:04:32,305 And send those kids outside. 36 00:04:32,329 --> 00:04:33,806 Mikey, turn it up. 37 00:04:33,830 --> 00:04:35,516 Ma's been ringing her bell for an hour. 38 00:04:35,540 --> 00:04:36,749 What am I, Cinderella? 39 00:04:36,917 --> 00:04:40,795 It is your turn! I cleaned her sheets this morning. Piss and everything. 40 00:04:41,796 --> 00:04:44,483 Oh! 41 00:04:44,507 --> 00:04:48,428 Watch your baby, would you? It's a miracle he's lived this long. 42 00:04:49,596 --> 00:04:50,698 Ugh! 43 00:04:50,722 --> 00:04:51,848 Hey! 44 00:04:53,976 --> 00:04:57,229 Lorna! Lorna! 45 00:04:57,895 --> 00:04:58,896 That you? 46 00:05:35,517 --> 00:05:36,893 All right. 47 00:05:42,649 --> 00:05:47,487 Hello. Yes. I purchased a pair of shoes from you. 48 00:05:47,779 --> 00:05:54,702 Order 1-1-0-0-6-1-7-8, a pair of patchwork platform Pradas. Uh-huh. 49 00:05:56,204 --> 00:06:00,375 Yeah, I can see that my card has been charged, but I never received them. 50 00:06:01,584 --> 00:06:06,881 No, I haven't moved. Yeah! That's the address I gave you. 51 00:06:09,384 --> 00:06:12,696 No... I'm not accusing you of not having sent them, 52 00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:15,432 but the fact is they never came. 53 00:06:18,893 --> 00:06:22,855 Yes, yes, it is unfortunate, 'cause I had this big party to go to 54 00:06:23,022 --> 00:06:25,775 and I had to wear last season's Miu Miu's. 55 00:06:25,942 --> 00:06:27,211 Hmm. 56 00:06:27,235 --> 00:06:30,072 No. No, I don't want another pair. 57 00:06:30,447 --> 00:06:34,826 I want a refund. Yeah, that's right. A full refund. 58 00:06:37,370 --> 00:06:41,291 Aw, thank you for your honesty, I really appreciate it. 59 00:06:41,749 --> 00:06:45,212 Yes. Yes, I do have my card number. 60 00:06:45,878 --> 00:06:47,755 Check this bitch out. 61 00:06:49,841 --> 00:06:52,344 I'm surprised she doesn't get a shot for putting on that face. 62 00:06:53,761 --> 00:06:56,181 If the cop's in a bad mood, she does. 63 00:06:56,848 --> 00:07:00,119 I'm seeing a lot of blue eye-shadow and red lipstick. 64 00:07:00,143 --> 00:07:03,539 It's not coming out of commissary. Who's importing around here? 65 00:07:03,563 --> 00:07:06,334 Oh, not really a lot of contraband these days. 66 00:07:06,358 --> 00:07:09,378 Hey! Not since Red got shut down. 67 00:07:09,402 --> 00:07:10,737 Red, huh? 68 00:07:11,321 --> 00:07:12,655 Well, that figures. 69 00:07:13,406 --> 00:07:15,301 Still, there's gotta be some holes in this cheese. 70 00:07:15,325 --> 00:07:17,702 Somebody is bringing in something. 71 00:07:18,578 --> 00:07:23,434 Well, Poussey makes hooch. Oh! And Chang, she got that Tiger Balm, 72 00:07:23,458 --> 00:07:28,588 but don't put it on your lips, or your eyeballs. Bad idea. 73 00:07:29,381 --> 00:07:31,174 Hooch, huh? 74 00:07:32,092 --> 00:07:35,321 Shit tastes nasty. It's like vomit wine coolers. 75 00:07:35,345 --> 00:07:40,892 Yo... It's got Kool-Aid, old fruit, ketchup, and moldy bread. 76 00:07:41,184 --> 00:07:42,394 She sells that? 77 00:07:42,852 --> 00:07:47,458 I can't drink it. Makes me feel funny, makes my head all fuzzy. 78 00:07:47,482 --> 00:07:49,918 You still carting that shit around? 79 00:07:49,942 --> 00:07:51,837 You one determined mo-fo. 80 00:07:51,861 --> 00:07:52,945 What the fuck is that? 81 00:07:53,488 --> 00:07:55,508 - It's a pee funnel. - A what? 82 00:07:55,532 --> 00:07:58,844 I'm tired of trying to pop a squat over them nasty-ass toilets. 83 00:07:58,868 --> 00:08:00,388 This rig is gonna make it easy. 84 00:08:00,412 --> 00:08:03,474 Girl, that's crazy. How you gonna use that? 85 00:08:03,498 --> 00:08:06,126 Yo, with this, I can pee standing up. Like a dude. 86 00:08:06,376 --> 00:08:08,479 Take this part, put it over my stuff. 87 00:08:08,503 --> 00:08:10,755 Take this little tube part, put it in the toilet. 88 00:08:10,963 --> 00:08:13,841 Or, you know what I'm saying, right over it. It's genius, yo! 89 00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:16,386 I'm gonna call it the "stand and deliver." 90 00:08:17,053 --> 00:08:20,824 Hey! You should call the patent office right now and make a million dollars. 91 00:08:20,848 --> 00:08:21,909 Really? 92 00:08:21,933 --> 00:08:24,328 Hell, no! That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. 93 00:08:24,352 --> 00:08:27,415 No, it ain't, man. Them toilets be cold as fuck in the morning. 94 00:08:27,439 --> 00:08:29,982 You'll see. Everybody gonna be wanting one of these to piss in. 95 00:08:30,192 --> 00:08:31,318 Please. We're eating. 96 00:08:34,862 --> 00:08:36,965 Yeah, I just gotta find me some waterproof tape or something 97 00:08:36,989 --> 00:08:38,269 to get these two parts together. 98 00:08:38,533 --> 00:08:40,469 I don't see why you need the funnel. 99 00:08:40,493 --> 00:08:43,972 Like, can't you just put the tube up in you? 100 00:08:43,996 --> 00:08:47,100 Uh, no. 'Cause that's not where the pee comes out. 101 00:08:47,124 --> 00:08:48,686 Uh, yeah, it do. 102 00:08:48,710 --> 00:08:50,103 - Out of the big hole. - Yeah. 103 00:08:50,127 --> 00:08:51,772 No, y'all. There's a different hole. 104 00:08:51,796 --> 00:08:52,940 - For pee? - Yeah. 105 00:08:52,964 --> 00:08:54,632 What? You crazy. 106 00:08:55,132 --> 00:08:57,820 Y'all, there is the main coochie hole 107 00:08:57,844 --> 00:09:00,085 and then there's, like, another little hole just for pee. 108 00:09:01,306 --> 00:09:02,974 Didn't y'all take Sex Ed? 109 00:09:03,308 --> 00:09:08,855 She's right. There's an eeny-meeny-weeny-weeny pee hole. 110 00:09:09,105 --> 00:09:14,212 Man, you trippin'. It all come out the same hole. The vagina hole. 111 00:09:14,236 --> 00:09:18,549 All right, then how come you can still pee when you got a tampon in? Mmm? 112 00:09:18,573 --> 00:09:21,826 I'm telling you, there's two holes. 113 00:09:22,535 --> 00:09:23,661 Three holes. 114 00:09:25,162 --> 00:09:26,163 The butt. 115 00:09:28,583 --> 00:09:31,895 All right. You are all disgusting. I'm out. 116 00:09:31,919 --> 00:09:33,897 I am not even gonna entertain this conversation. 117 00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,090 Suzanne! You coming? 118 00:09:44,516 --> 00:09:46,058 Put my order in. 119 00:09:48,978 --> 00:09:53,525 I am so confused. Where is it at? 120 00:09:58,154 --> 00:10:00,924 Yo, I still don't see what the hell you talkin' about! 121 00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:03,093 You know, your hole, like, your sex hole. 122 00:10:03,117 --> 00:10:06,222 The vagina hole. Yeah, I got that. 123 00:10:06,246 --> 00:10:07,515 Y'all are crazy. 124 00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:09,850 Man, I wish I had a phone to record this shit. 125 00:10:09,874 --> 00:10:13,461 Now, look underneath your clit, before the main hole. 126 00:10:13,586 --> 00:10:15,814 Or like, just inside the top of it. 127 00:10:15,838 --> 00:10:19,235 Man, I still can't see shit down here. 128 00:10:19,259 --> 00:10:22,679 It's like too many, like, flappy-flap thingies. 129 00:10:23,095 --> 00:10:25,449 - Oh, God. - How do you know all this? 130 00:10:25,473 --> 00:10:27,793 Yo, I've been up close and personal with my share of pussy. 131 00:10:28,310 --> 00:10:29,620 Yeah, you want me to just show you? 132 00:10:29,644 --> 00:10:33,523 No! No, no, no. I can do it. Just, just tell me where. 133 00:10:33,648 --> 00:10:39,672 Okay, right inside the big ol' hole there's another hole. Like, a little one. 134 00:10:39,696 --> 00:10:43,866 Wait, what? I thought you said it was a whole other hole. 135 00:10:44,075 --> 00:10:46,387 It's a hole in a hole. 136 00:10:46,411 --> 00:10:50,164 For the love of God, girls, the hole is not inside the hole. 137 00:10:51,291 --> 00:10:53,918 You have your vagina proper, then you have your clitoris. 138 00:10:54,126 --> 00:10:58,881 The urethra is located between the clit and the vagina, inside the labia minora. 139 00:11:00,007 --> 00:11:01,777 - For real? - For real. 140 00:11:01,801 --> 00:11:04,971 I designed one myself. Had plans drawn up and everything. 141 00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:07,491 I seen some funky punani in my day. 142 00:11:07,515 --> 00:11:09,235 I'm not gonna leave that shit up to chance. 143 00:11:10,435 --> 00:11:14,188 Here. Take a long look, honey. You'll see what I'm talking about. 144 00:11:22,321 --> 00:11:26,385 Oh, my God. Holy shit! 145 00:11:26,409 --> 00:11:27,994 Yo, y'all, she's right. 146 00:11:29,161 --> 00:11:31,599 Aw! It's cute. 147 00:11:31,623 --> 00:11:33,183 - Hey! I'm next! - Yeah! Me, too. 148 00:11:33,207 --> 00:11:35,334 You know, I gotta see this shit! Yo! Back up! 149 00:11:36,878 --> 00:11:40,757 Nichols! What the fuck? Why you pickin' all the peaches? 150 00:11:40,923 --> 00:11:43,235 - I have no idea what you're talking about. - Yes, you do. 151 00:11:43,259 --> 00:11:47,155 Hascowitz? I've been trying to get bumper-to-bumper with that for a month. 152 00:11:47,179 --> 00:11:49,849 And now, she feels used 153 00:11:49,974 --> 00:11:53,895 and doesn't wanna sleep around because you got there first. 154 00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:55,397 Ah. Used, eh? 155 00:11:56,188 --> 00:12:01,336 She wasn't exactly new when I rode in her, eh? A little dented actually, right? 156 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:02,945 The upholstery was worn. 157 00:12:03,112 --> 00:12:04,447 You knew I was after that. 158 00:12:04,614 --> 00:12:06,908 Well, what can I say? Not everyone wants a diesel dyke. 159 00:12:07,784 --> 00:12:08,785 Lay off my marks. 160 00:12:09,952 --> 00:12:13,641 Seriously. Enough with the cliterference. What's this? 161 00:12:13,665 --> 00:12:16,685 Oh! Put that back, please. Would you give it back? 162 00:12:16,709 --> 00:12:20,630 Who is Brook? Oh, yeah. That's the new girl, isn't it? 163 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:23,716 Hot one of the Asian persuasion? 164 00:12:24,759 --> 00:12:27,219 Oh, my God! I found your fuck book? 165 00:12:27,512 --> 00:12:28,781 Right. So what if it is? 166 00:12:28,805 --> 00:12:30,323 Oh, you fuckin' junkie. 167 00:12:30,347 --> 00:12:31,450 - All right. - No, I get this. 168 00:12:31,474 --> 00:12:33,810 Better pussy than smack. Right? 169 00:12:34,351 --> 00:12:37,229 It's not an addiction. It's a collection, all right? 170 00:12:37,564 --> 00:12:41,818 Some people collect buttons or Taco Bell Chihuahuas, I collect orgasms. 171 00:12:42,151 --> 00:12:44,254 See, I'm all about giving. 172 00:12:44,278 --> 00:12:46,739 Look, I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa. 173 00:12:47,449 --> 00:12:52,244 You know what? This here is my kind of competition. 174 00:12:52,870 --> 00:12:57,166 It's on. Ooh! Bitch, this is on! 175 00:13:05,717 --> 00:13:07,486 So, what's the deal with Miss Rosa? 176 00:13:07,510 --> 00:13:09,655 I mean, I know they say she has cancer and everything, 177 00:13:09,679 --> 00:13:13,241 but are they sure it's not alopecia? And what's the deal with this room? 178 00:13:13,265 --> 00:13:16,579 Is everyone in here, like, new or sick or just old? 179 00:13:16,603 --> 00:13:19,289 I mean, I can't believe how many old people there are in here. 180 00:13:19,313 --> 00:13:23,418 Like, what did they do that they're still in here? 181 00:13:23,442 --> 00:13:24,962 Like, what did she do? 182 00:13:24,986 --> 00:13:28,114 None of your fuckin' business, you mental patient. 183 00:13:28,906 --> 00:13:32,427 But seriously, have they all been in here since, like, the '70s? 184 00:13:32,451 --> 00:13:35,580 No, most of them got transferred up from Max for good behavior. 185 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:41,669 Wow. It is crazy to think about how many years they spend in here, you know? 186 00:13:41,961 --> 00:13:45,440 I mean, I've been arrested before, like loads of times. 187 00:13:45,464 --> 00:13:48,026 When they cleared out Zuccotti Park, I spent three whole days in a cell. 188 00:13:48,050 --> 00:13:49,636 But that was jail and this is prison. 189 00:13:50,052 --> 00:13:51,614 They're pretty much the same thing. 190 00:13:51,638 --> 00:13:54,492 No, they're not. Your parents pick you up from jail. 191 00:13:54,516 --> 00:13:58,561 Take out her batteries, would ya? I'm trying to take a nap over here. 192 00:13:59,270 --> 00:14:03,274 Chapman, Soso, happy day in cell block A, you are being assigned. 193 00:14:03,399 --> 00:14:04,441 Oh. 194 00:14:04,817 --> 00:14:06,419 Wait, did we do something wrong? 195 00:14:06,443 --> 00:14:08,296 No. We're getting our bunks. 196 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:12,617 Oh, cool beans. Oh, my God, does that mean we're gonna be roomies? 197 00:14:15,537 --> 00:14:18,247 Just so you know, I do snore sometimes, so... 198 00:14:18,414 --> 00:14:20,643 But only if I'm on my back or if I have a cold. 199 00:14:20,667 --> 00:14:22,835 So, just tell me to roll over, and I totally will. 200 00:14:23,127 --> 00:14:24,837 - Morning, Officer Bell. - O'Neill. 201 00:14:26,964 --> 00:14:30,259 Wow. I didn't expect the bunks to feel so dorm-y. 202 00:14:30,510 --> 00:14:31,969 It kind of reminds me of camp, you know? 203 00:14:32,094 --> 00:14:35,848 Except without the gimp bracelets and the archery and kind of sad. 204 00:14:35,973 --> 00:14:38,685 What a bunch of vultures. 205 00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:43,415 Wait, did you just steal that book? 206 00:14:43,439 --> 00:14:45,525 It's mine. I'm reclaiming it. 207 00:14:46,317 --> 00:14:48,903 Chapman, in here. Soso, follow me. 208 00:14:49,612 --> 00:14:50,798 We're not together? 209 00:14:50,822 --> 00:14:51,906 Thank you. 210 00:14:54,366 --> 00:14:55,594 Did you go to summer camp? 211 00:14:55,618 --> 00:14:57,870 It was seriously, like, the best time of my life. 212 00:15:01,332 --> 00:15:02,458 Hi, Red. 213 00:15:03,042 --> 00:15:06,713 Oh, no, honey, you're not in here. 214 00:15:07,589 --> 00:15:09,006 Looks like I am. 215 00:15:16,723 --> 00:15:17,950 Can I move some of this stuff? 216 00:15:17,974 --> 00:15:20,602 No, you may not. 217 00:15:21,603 --> 00:15:23,163 Can I have a few of those hooks then? 218 00:15:23,187 --> 00:15:26,899 I need all four of them. They're mine. 219 00:15:57,054 --> 00:16:00,307 What are you gonna do? Not feed me? 220 00:16:14,864 --> 00:16:16,783 I have a mealy bug infestation. 221 00:16:16,991 --> 00:16:21,203 They secrete this powdery wax substance. It's a bitch to get off. 222 00:16:21,453 --> 00:16:24,016 - You gave me a roommate. - Yes, I did. 223 00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:26,894 I haven't had a bunkie in 12 years. 224 00:16:26,918 --> 00:16:28,561 We don't get special privileges 225 00:16:28,585 --> 00:16:33,108 when we turn our prison assignment into a drug smuggling operation. 226 00:16:33,132 --> 00:16:35,592 You know that was never my game. 227 00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,262 Sure, pin it on a guy who's not here to defend himself. 228 00:16:38,470 --> 00:16:40,097 He was counting on that. 229 00:16:40,514 --> 00:16:44,101 You got too big for your britches, Red. We all turned the other way. 230 00:16:44,310 --> 00:16:47,455 You were bringing in pantyhose and nail polish. 231 00:16:47,479 --> 00:16:49,440 Seemed harmless, kept the ladies happy. 232 00:16:49,606 --> 00:16:53,235 And Healy, he had his head shoved so far up your ass 233 00:16:53,444 --> 00:16:54,737 he could chew your food for you. 234 00:16:55,071 --> 00:16:58,574 So frankly, I don't give a shit whether it was you or somebody else. 235 00:16:58,825 --> 00:17:00,492 You let drugs in here. 236 00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,705 A girl died because of you. 237 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:09,001 "A small leak can sink a great ship." 238 00:17:10,962 --> 00:17:12,773 - You know who said that? - No. 239 00:17:12,797 --> 00:17:16,175 Neither do I. But I can't have leaky holes in my prison. 240 00:17:17,176 --> 00:17:19,345 Nothing coming in, nothing going out. 241 00:17:20,637 --> 00:17:22,532 Welcome to retirement, Red. 242 00:17:22,556 --> 00:17:27,103 Get a hobby, crochet yourself a fucking hammock for all I give a shit. 243 00:17:29,856 --> 00:17:33,711 Use a mixture of garlic, vinegar and hot pepper sauce. 244 00:17:33,735 --> 00:17:35,862 It's a natural insecticide. 245 00:17:56,090 --> 00:17:58,026 Park in the garage and I'll see you in three hours. 246 00:17:58,050 --> 00:17:59,426 I know the drill. 247 00:18:06,017 --> 00:18:07,059 I hate this part. 248 00:18:08,519 --> 00:18:09,520 Poor you. 249 00:18:42,303 --> 00:18:45,347 ♪ Almost paradise ♪ 250 00:18:46,348 --> 00:18:49,018 ♪ We're knockin' on heaven's door ♪ 251 00:18:50,102 --> 00:18:52,646 ♪ It's almost paradise ♪ 252 00:18:54,148 --> 00:18:57,860 ♪ How could we ask for more? ♪ 253 00:19:35,106 --> 00:19:38,710 Oh! Oh, my goodness, I am so sorry! 254 00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:40,796 No, that was me. Please, please. 255 00:19:40,820 --> 00:19:43,048 No! Oh, my God, I'm such a klutz. 256 00:19:43,072 --> 00:19:46,117 Not at all. Just looks like you could use a couple more arms. 257 00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:49,161 Here you go. 258 00:19:50,204 --> 00:19:53,249 Wow. I heard the postal service was going bankrupt. 259 00:19:53,457 --> 00:19:56,002 But it looks like you're personally gonna turn that around. 260 00:19:57,169 --> 00:19:59,647 Well... I do... I do what I can. 261 00:19:59,671 --> 00:20:00,797 Yeah, a true patriot, huh? 262 00:20:00,965 --> 00:20:02,967 Oh, yeah! I love my country. 263 00:20:03,175 --> 00:20:04,945 Either that or you're running a mail scam. 264 00:20:04,969 --> 00:20:06,345 Yes. Oh! 265 00:20:06,553 --> 00:20:08,722 Here, let me help you with that. 266 00:20:09,681 --> 00:20:11,433 Thank you. Thank you... 267 00:20:11,976 --> 00:20:13,227 Uh, Christopher. 268 00:20:14,186 --> 00:20:17,064 - Christopher. - Yeah. 269 00:20:17,398 --> 00:20:20,151 I'm sorry. You look like somebody. 270 00:20:23,070 --> 00:20:25,239 I'm Lorna Morello. 271 00:20:26,698 --> 00:20:29,785 Beautiful and Italian. Today must be my lucky day. 272 00:20:33,705 --> 00:20:37,769 Well, Miss Morello, after you're done cleaning this place out of postage, 273 00:20:37,793 --> 00:20:39,503 maybe I could take you for a coffee? 274 00:20:39,962 --> 00:20:42,131 I would love that, Christopher. 275 00:20:59,356 --> 00:21:00,774 Thank you. 276 00:21:08,615 --> 00:21:11,636 Well, if it isn't the wily inventress of Litchfield 277 00:21:11,660 --> 00:21:13,638 about to make a fortune for herself. 278 00:21:13,662 --> 00:21:14,722 Ah, you know it. 279 00:21:14,746 --> 00:21:16,641 Yo, but I'm thinking of changing the name. 280 00:21:16,665 --> 00:21:18,101 What do you think about the "she-wee"? 281 00:21:18,125 --> 00:21:22,296 No, I'm talking about your other little side business. Pruno. 282 00:21:22,796 --> 00:21:26,359 Oh, my hooch? That's just for fun. There's no charge. 283 00:21:26,383 --> 00:21:27,819 The girls would pay for it. 284 00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:30,030 I mean, but that ain't the point. I make it for me and my friends. 285 00:21:30,054 --> 00:21:32,157 Yeah, but you're missing an opportunity. 286 00:21:32,181 --> 00:21:35,267 Besides, I got me a killer recipe. 287 00:21:35,809 --> 00:21:38,538 We could compare notes, tweak it a little bit. 288 00:21:38,562 --> 00:21:39,747 Charge by the cup. 289 00:21:39,771 --> 00:21:42,399 Hell, we could charge by the sip. 290 00:21:45,277 --> 00:21:49,781 Um, naw. That ain't my bag. Sorry. 291 00:22:13,097 --> 00:22:15,474 How are you feeling? You look better. 292 00:22:20,062 --> 00:22:21,938 You want to keep a burn from scarring? 293 00:22:22,564 --> 00:22:26,235 Mix some lemon juice with Vaseline, apply it every day. 294 00:22:27,403 --> 00:22:28,796 What do you want? 295 00:22:28,820 --> 00:22:32,658 I want you to stop sulking. I never meant for you to get hurt. 296 00:22:32,783 --> 00:22:34,326 I did it for the good of the family. 297 00:22:38,955 --> 00:22:41,833 It's not good enough, Red. No. 298 00:22:46,922 --> 00:22:48,257 Fine. 299 00:23:10,071 --> 00:23:11,113 May I sit here? 300 00:23:11,822 --> 00:23:12,864 Of course, dear. 301 00:23:13,074 --> 00:23:16,827 Tell that man at the end of the table to stop winking at me. 302 00:23:21,665 --> 00:23:24,311 Don't watch her eat. It'll drive you insane. 303 00:23:24,335 --> 00:23:26,229 She'll finish that soup next Monday. 304 00:23:26,253 --> 00:23:27,855 This is not looking right. 305 00:23:27,879 --> 00:23:29,441 Because you stitch too tight. 306 00:23:29,465 --> 00:23:33,695 Make a gauge swatch like I told you and count your stitches, 307 00:23:33,719 --> 00:23:35,905 you won't have that problem. 308 00:23:35,929 --> 00:23:37,848 We have a crochet circle if you'd like to join. 309 00:23:38,349 --> 00:23:42,978 I don't crochet. But that sounds very nice. 310 00:23:43,395 --> 00:23:46,040 Oh, it's boring as hell. But what else have we got to do? 311 00:23:46,064 --> 00:23:47,608 What happened to my pants? 312 00:23:47,733 --> 00:23:48,942 The ones you're wearing? 313 00:23:50,611 --> 00:23:53,280 You just work on that soup there, Jimmy. 314 00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:56,117 Like a liquefied bowl of Jell-O. 315 00:23:56,908 --> 00:23:58,952 I can hear you, you old cunt. 316 00:24:09,213 --> 00:24:12,048 Fuck these bitches. 317 00:24:15,302 --> 00:24:16,637 No, I'm not done reading that! 318 00:24:16,803 --> 00:24:18,889 Everybody dies. 319 00:24:27,273 --> 00:24:28,916 - This is mine. - No, it ain't. 320 00:24:28,940 --> 00:24:32,420 Then why does it have my inmate number carved in the back? 321 00:24:32,444 --> 00:24:34,696 Eh! Fine, Inspector Gadget. 322 00:24:35,447 --> 00:24:38,033 Inspector Gadget was not a good detective. 323 00:24:38,325 --> 00:24:39,927 He just had a lot of stuff. 324 00:24:39,951 --> 00:24:42,204 Plus he had Penny and the Brain helping him. 325 00:24:42,538 --> 00:24:44,456 You best get the fuck out now. 326 00:24:47,293 --> 00:24:49,461 This is unbelievable. You, too? 327 00:24:50,421 --> 00:24:52,839 None of us thought you were coming back. 328 00:24:57,553 --> 00:24:58,554 Really? 329 00:25:02,057 --> 00:25:04,851 It ain't about you. I like the beach. 330 00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:07,979 Keep it. 331 00:25:11,817 --> 00:25:12,984 That's my blanket. 332 00:25:13,402 --> 00:25:14,796 No, this is Miss Claudette's blanket. 333 00:25:14,820 --> 00:25:18,633 It's mine. We've talked about this, and I'm taking it back. 334 00:25:18,657 --> 00:25:23,204 Really? And how do you suppose you're going to do that? 335 00:25:26,164 --> 00:25:27,975 I don't wanna have to get physical with you. 336 00:25:27,999 --> 00:25:33,505 Oh, please! I could snap your femur like a toothpick, twiggy. Fuck off. 337 00:25:34,215 --> 00:25:36,484 Piper! There you are. Hi. 338 00:25:36,508 --> 00:25:38,278 Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night, 339 00:25:38,302 --> 00:25:39,946 and I don't have headphones yet, so I went to... 340 00:25:39,970 --> 00:25:42,598 Hey! What's your name? 341 00:25:43,890 --> 00:25:47,370 Um, so, anyway, I guess I just don't understand 342 00:25:47,394 --> 00:25:49,038 this Chinese lady at the commissary. 343 00:25:49,062 --> 00:25:52,023 Is she Chinese? I don't wanna presume. She could be a Malay. 344 00:25:52,316 --> 00:25:53,317 Not now, Brook. 345 00:25:53,442 --> 00:25:54,763 Okay, should I meet you out here? 346 00:25:54,776 --> 00:25:58,715 I'm busy. Go back to your cube. Now. 347 00:25:58,739 --> 00:25:59,865 Okay, yeah! 348 00:26:01,825 --> 00:26:02,868 Bye! 349 00:26:05,161 --> 00:26:07,014 Looks like you got yourself a pet kitten. 350 00:26:07,038 --> 00:26:10,279 Oh, I just wanna put her in a bag of rocks and dump her at the bottom of the lake. 351 00:26:12,419 --> 00:26:15,381 Hey... You really want that blanket? 352 00:26:16,257 --> 00:26:18,842 Maybe we could work out a trade? 353 00:26:24,348 --> 00:26:28,685 All this pee hole business... Like, what the fuck else don't I know? 354 00:26:29,060 --> 00:26:33,500 I been living all these years and never even looked at my own damn vajayjay. 355 00:26:33,524 --> 00:26:36,836 What other surprises my body gonna spring on me? 356 00:26:36,860 --> 00:26:39,297 I mean, have you looked at these feet ever? 357 00:26:39,321 --> 00:26:41,048 Like, I don't wanna scare you, 358 00:26:41,072 --> 00:26:44,469 but I'm not sure if this one right here's a toe. 359 00:26:44,493 --> 00:26:47,138 - Shut up. - Nah! The little one, it don't look right. 360 00:26:47,162 --> 00:26:49,766 Could be a pencil eraser, old piece of jerky... 361 00:26:49,790 --> 00:26:52,394 Oh, leave my feet alone! 362 00:26:52,418 --> 00:26:53,960 Yo, I'm done anyway. 363 00:26:55,086 --> 00:26:57,298 Check out my masterpiece. 364 00:26:59,591 --> 00:27:02,362 What? That's a hot-ass mess. 365 00:27:02,386 --> 00:27:03,613 It's abstract, yo! 366 00:27:03,637 --> 00:27:06,574 You only supposed to paint the nail, not the skin! Fuck! 367 00:27:06,598 --> 00:27:10,077 Look, all innovators have their work criticized at first. 368 00:27:10,101 --> 00:27:12,228 Appreciation will come. I'll give you time. 369 00:27:12,604 --> 00:27:13,998 I already have time. 370 00:27:14,022 --> 00:27:16,250 Time and a shit pedicure. 371 00:27:16,274 --> 00:27:18,402 No! Stop! You're gonna mess it up! 372 00:27:20,612 --> 00:27:22,214 - Stop! - I'm bigger than you, bitch! 373 00:27:22,238 --> 00:27:26,868 I hate tickling! No! No! Uncle! Uncle! I can't breathe! 374 00:27:42,759 --> 00:27:44,302 I'm sorry, P. 375 00:27:47,097 --> 00:27:48,807 We've been through this. 376 00:27:53,354 --> 00:27:54,521 I know. 377 00:27:58,609 --> 00:28:00,819 - I'm not... - I know. 378 00:28:04,573 --> 00:28:09,495 Maybe we could cuddle for a minute? 379 00:28:12,498 --> 00:28:13,790 Yeah. 380 00:28:36,522 --> 00:28:39,525 Go back. You can still go back. 381 00:28:52,746 --> 00:28:53,872 That looks like fun. 382 00:28:56,417 --> 00:28:59,169 So, how long you been in treatment? 383 00:29:00,128 --> 00:29:02,189 Listen, I've gotta sit here for the next two hours, 384 00:29:02,213 --> 00:29:05,109 and I don't really feel like talking to some old bald lady. 385 00:29:05,133 --> 00:29:06,853 So can we just, like, pretend I'm not here? 386 00:29:11,473 --> 00:29:13,058 I was gonna tell you a joke. 387 00:29:13,475 --> 00:29:15,351 I'm good, thanks. 388 00:29:21,274 --> 00:29:24,570 Yo, Nurse! Do you have an iPhone charger? 389 00:29:24,986 --> 00:29:26,405 No, sorry. 390 00:29:27,363 --> 00:29:29,450 Oh, my God! This is bullshit. 391 00:29:33,954 --> 00:29:35,706 - What's your joke? - Too late. 392 00:29:36,748 --> 00:29:38,834 Whatever. I'm sure it's stupid. 393 00:29:40,752 --> 00:29:45,090 So, the doctor says to the patient, 394 00:29:45,591 --> 00:29:48,760 "I got bad news and some more bad news. 395 00:29:49,177 --> 00:29:53,849 "The bad news is, you got cancer." "And the more bad news?" 396 00:29:54,390 --> 00:29:56,685 "You also got Alzheimer's disease." 397 00:29:57,310 --> 00:29:59,771 So, the patient thinks for a minute, and then she says, 398 00:30:00,146 --> 00:30:03,942 "Well, at least I don't have cancer!" 399 00:30:05,611 --> 00:30:06,612 I don't get it. 400 00:30:06,945 --> 00:30:10,657 I'm not gonna explain it to you. Figure it out. 401 00:30:11,950 --> 00:30:13,928 I'm gonna grab a soda from the vending machine. 402 00:30:13,952 --> 00:30:16,830 - Would you like anything? - I'd love a Pepsi. 403 00:30:17,748 --> 00:30:19,332 Don't tell anyone. 404 00:30:22,669 --> 00:30:24,379 Who's that? Is she your daughter? 405 00:30:25,631 --> 00:30:27,633 She's a correctional officer. 406 00:30:28,759 --> 00:30:31,070 - Prison guard? - Exactly. 407 00:30:31,094 --> 00:30:32,971 Wait. So you're not a... 408 00:30:34,973 --> 00:30:38,351 Are you? For serious? 409 00:30:38,977 --> 00:30:41,813 I thought those were just, like, comfy old lady chemo clothes. 410 00:30:44,232 --> 00:30:45,233 What'd you do? 411 00:30:45,651 --> 00:30:47,360 Robbed a bank. 412 00:30:47,528 --> 00:30:48,862 You're lying. No way. 413 00:30:50,155 --> 00:30:51,322 Google me. 414 00:30:52,323 --> 00:30:53,825 All right. Come on, tell me about it. 415 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:57,245 You want the first time or the last? 416 00:30:58,246 --> 00:31:00,832 The first time was in 1982... 417 00:31:15,764 --> 00:31:17,015 Fuck it. 418 00:33:15,801 --> 00:33:18,637 Hmm. Trash. Trash. 419 00:33:42,953 --> 00:33:45,264 Hmm? This too much for the Jersey shore? 420 00:33:45,288 --> 00:33:48,208 Not if you're gonna walk the boardwalk looking to make some extra cash. 421 00:33:48,458 --> 00:33:50,311 Uh, it's Dolce & Gabbana, you nut. 422 00:33:50,335 --> 00:33:51,896 How the heck are you paying for all this stuff? 423 00:33:51,920 --> 00:33:54,673 I get good deals. I'm a savvy shopper. 424 00:33:55,090 --> 00:33:57,109 And Christopher likes me to look sophisticated. 425 00:33:57,133 --> 00:33:59,111 He says I'm like Audrey Hepburn. 426 00:33:59,135 --> 00:34:01,155 Besides, this is our first weekend away together. 427 00:34:01,179 --> 00:34:04,116 - And we're staying somewhere fancy. - Where? 428 00:34:04,140 --> 00:34:07,411 I don't know. He has the whole time planned. 429 00:34:07,435 --> 00:34:09,956 He is gonna take me on a sailboat, 430 00:34:09,980 --> 00:34:13,775 and then we're gonna ride the Wildwood Ferris Wheel at sunset. 431 00:34:14,234 --> 00:34:16,277 I can't believe I met a guy like this, Franny. 432 00:34:17,362 --> 00:34:18,798 You should bring him over for dinner. 433 00:34:18,822 --> 00:34:21,175 What, to meet Ma and everybody? Are you crazy? 434 00:34:21,199 --> 00:34:24,095 I don't want him getting scared off, okay? He's the one. 435 00:34:24,119 --> 00:34:26,973 You don't know if he's the one until he's met the family. 436 00:34:26,997 --> 00:34:28,182 It's like a test. 437 00:34:28,206 --> 00:34:32,377 He don't need a test, okay? He's my destiny. 438 00:34:32,543 --> 00:34:35,046 And I'm telling you, it was like the movies. 439 00:34:35,213 --> 00:34:39,068 Like, you know, in Notting Hill where Hugh Grant bumps into Julia Roberts 440 00:34:39,092 --> 00:34:40,802 and he spills his orange juice on her? 441 00:34:41,302 --> 00:34:44,890 That's what happened to us. We crashed into each other. Literally. 442 00:34:45,223 --> 00:34:49,310 I mean, Franny, it was meant to be. 443 00:34:53,231 --> 00:34:54,524 You look cute in that dress. 444 00:34:55,233 --> 00:34:56,418 Like Pretty Woman? 445 00:34:56,442 --> 00:34:58,444 Yeah, like Pretty Woman. 446 00:35:01,697 --> 00:35:06,077 Bastards! They grow as fast as bamboo. It's an invasion. 447 00:35:09,330 --> 00:35:10,415 You know, I get them, too. 448 00:35:12,667 --> 00:35:15,646 Well, most of the time they're blonde, and they are soft, 449 00:35:15,670 --> 00:35:17,189 but every once in a while, 450 00:35:17,213 --> 00:35:20,317 I do get one that is black and spiky, 451 00:35:20,341 --> 00:35:22,236 and if you don't catch it in time, 452 00:35:22,260 --> 00:35:23,905 all of a sudden it's like two feet long 453 00:35:23,929 --> 00:35:25,823 and it's growing right out of the side of your face, 454 00:35:25,847 --> 00:35:28,724 like this giant, pubey, lady beard hair. 455 00:35:29,893 --> 00:35:32,645 You know, I get one right here. Larry called him "Spike." 456 00:35:32,979 --> 00:35:34,165 How is he? 457 00:35:34,189 --> 00:35:38,860 Spike? Well, he's just starting up, but I can feel him. 458 00:35:41,279 --> 00:35:43,239 The husband. 459 00:35:44,365 --> 00:35:48,494 I don't know. We don't talk. No letters. 460 00:35:49,329 --> 00:35:51,289 I used to get two a week. 461 00:35:53,583 --> 00:35:58,129 In fact, this week, all I got was a card from my grandmother. 462 00:35:58,754 --> 00:36:01,299 My friends aren't feeling too prolific these days. 463 00:36:01,466 --> 00:36:05,362 I'm sure he told them what a horrible, evil cheater I am. 464 00:36:05,386 --> 00:36:08,431 And it's not like I'm in any position to defend myself. 465 00:36:08,932 --> 00:36:10,725 Nobody has any idea what to say to me. 466 00:36:13,436 --> 00:36:15,122 People are fickle fucks. 467 00:36:15,146 --> 00:36:17,541 You know, the thing is, I don't blame them. 468 00:36:17,565 --> 00:36:21,337 I don't even blame him, ultimately. I was selfish. 469 00:36:21,361 --> 00:36:24,530 You have to be selfish in here. That's how you survive. 470 00:36:28,493 --> 00:36:30,495 People's loyalty means nothing. 471 00:36:31,579 --> 00:36:35,666 Because the second you're not useful to them, you're out. 472 00:36:36,709 --> 00:36:38,837 You think that's why your girls turned on you? 473 00:36:39,754 --> 00:36:40,964 Is that what you heard? 474 00:36:41,297 --> 00:36:46,761 No. I've just noticed that you've been flying solo lately. 475 00:36:47,553 --> 00:36:49,848 My friendship used to come with perks. 476 00:36:50,181 --> 00:36:52,600 Now I'm just an angry old Russian lady. 477 00:36:52,851 --> 00:36:57,188 Without the free stockings and eyeliner, I'm not quite the draw I used to be. 478 00:36:58,689 --> 00:37:02,360 And take it from me, Chapman, husbands are overrated. 479 00:37:02,986 --> 00:37:06,572 They're as useless as children. Count yourself lucky. 480 00:37:08,408 --> 00:37:11,202 If it was meant to last, it would have. 481 00:37:14,789 --> 00:37:17,167 Here. For Spike. 482 00:37:31,639 --> 00:37:35,036 He cried nonstop. By 4:00 a.m., I was ready to smother him with a Boppy. 483 00:37:35,060 --> 00:37:36,453 I know, that's really dark, 484 00:37:36,477 --> 00:37:38,539 but I'm all alone until the new baby nurse comes at 7:00! 485 00:37:38,563 --> 00:37:40,731 And then she leaves at 3:00! Fucking Pete. 486 00:37:40,982 --> 00:37:42,960 You know, what if I went off to Alaska? 487 00:37:42,984 --> 00:37:46,362 Just, "Peace out! I'm off to kayak and pretend I'm fucking Bear Grylls, 488 00:37:46,571 --> 00:37:48,549 "'cause we spawned this symbolic end of childhood 489 00:37:48,573 --> 00:37:50,759 "and I can't handle it because I'm fucking Peter Pan." 490 00:37:50,783 --> 00:37:53,744 My therapist is an idiot, misogynistic piece of shit. 491 00:37:53,912 --> 00:37:58,708 You should go. Seriously, just go, you know, kayak with the Lost Boys. 492 00:37:59,334 --> 00:38:02,003 I'll keep this little monkey, breast-feed him, raise him as my own, 493 00:38:02,253 --> 00:38:04,148 along with the baby nurse from 7:00 to 3:00. 494 00:38:04,172 --> 00:38:08,235 She's not hot. She's got a wonky eye and bad acne scars. 495 00:38:08,259 --> 00:38:09,594 And she's in her 50s. 496 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,781 But she makes these amazing plantains and sings him Jimmy Cliff songs. 497 00:38:12,805 --> 00:38:14,057 Sold. 498 00:38:16,142 --> 00:38:18,412 You're the only one who'll still hang out with us. 499 00:38:18,436 --> 00:38:22,041 Everyone swears they'll still come around, but they don't. 500 00:38:22,065 --> 00:38:23,292 How old is the baby? 501 00:38:23,316 --> 00:38:24,710 Uh, ten weeks. 502 00:38:24,734 --> 00:38:28,529 Congratulations. Oh, you're such an attractive family. 503 00:38:30,781 --> 00:38:32,426 Thank you. Yeah, we... 504 00:38:32,450 --> 00:38:35,262 You know, despite the blond hair, she still swears he's mine. 505 00:38:35,286 --> 00:38:36,287 What's his name? 506 00:38:36,912 --> 00:38:41,518 Hampus. Hampus Renselor. It's an old family name. 507 00:38:41,542 --> 00:38:43,628 It's beautiful, isn't it? Little Hampy. 508 00:38:43,794 --> 00:38:45,231 How long have the two of you been married? 509 00:38:45,255 --> 00:38:47,608 Long time. We got married on the Circle Line. 510 00:38:47,632 --> 00:38:50,652 In front of the Statue of Liberty. It was beautiful. Huge wedding. 511 00:38:50,676 --> 00:38:53,280 - Did you meet in the city? - Oh, we... Yeah, we sure did. 512 00:38:53,304 --> 00:38:56,807 At a Star Trek convention. Yeah, we were both dressed as Klingons. 513 00:38:58,268 --> 00:38:59,328 It's a passion of ours. 514 00:38:59,352 --> 00:39:00,811 I knew right away she was the one. 515 00:39:00,979 --> 00:39:05,316 Well, enjoy. You're perfect together, it's very clear. 516 00:39:09,737 --> 00:39:12,573 Hampus. It's not half bad, actually. 517 00:39:12,991 --> 00:39:15,272 There might still be time to change the birth certificate. 518 00:39:16,327 --> 00:39:17,745 "Little Hampy." 519 00:39:20,623 --> 00:39:22,417 Blanca, careful with that box. 520 00:39:25,836 --> 00:39:27,880 How many do we have in there? 521 00:41:07,563 --> 00:41:08,731 Mmm... 522 00:41:14,862 --> 00:41:16,340 Please let the record show 523 00:41:16,364 --> 00:41:18,467 that the witness has indicated the defendant. 524 00:41:18,491 --> 00:41:19,492 Proceed, counselor. 525 00:41:21,327 --> 00:41:26,999 Please tell the court how you happen to know the defendant, Lorna Morello. 526 00:41:27,375 --> 00:41:29,043 We went on one date. 527 00:41:29,669 --> 00:41:32,523 I met her at the post office and we had a coffee. 528 00:41:32,547 --> 00:41:35,484 And that was the extent of your relationship? 529 00:41:35,508 --> 00:41:37,349 I wasn't interested in pursuing things further. 530 00:41:38,136 --> 00:41:40,305 I told her that. Very clearly. 531 00:41:40,763 --> 00:41:44,600 And did Miss Morello continue to contact you after this initial date? 532 00:41:45,601 --> 00:41:51,774 Relentlessly. Phone calls, Facebook messages, texts, emails. 533 00:41:52,066 --> 00:41:53,335 She showed up at my house. 534 00:41:53,359 --> 00:41:56,070 Did you make it clear to her that these advances were unwanted? 535 00:41:56,362 --> 00:41:59,675 I did. And then I began receiving threats. 536 00:41:59,699 --> 00:42:04,221 Now, Mr. MacLaren, did you take any action to prevent these advances? 537 00:42:04,245 --> 00:42:08,833 I changed my phone number, my email account, and I moved twice. 538 00:42:09,417 --> 00:42:10,710 Each time, she found me. 539 00:42:10,835 --> 00:42:12,875 When I started dating my current girlfriend, Angela, 540 00:42:13,171 --> 00:42:15,691 she showed up in Atlantic City, where we'd gone for the weekend. 541 00:42:15,965 --> 00:42:19,153 She left notes on my car, she threw trash on my lawn, 542 00:42:19,177 --> 00:42:23,013 she left voicemails yelling about how I wasn't helping enough with the dog. 543 00:42:23,348 --> 00:42:24,533 I don't even have a dog. 544 00:42:24,557 --> 00:42:26,660 And then she threatened to strangle Angela. 545 00:42:26,684 --> 00:42:28,287 And that's when I got a restraining order. 546 00:42:28,311 --> 00:42:30,521 Did she ever make an attempt on your life? 547 00:42:31,397 --> 00:42:36,337 Yes. We found a homemade explosive device under Angela's car. 548 00:42:36,361 --> 00:42:41,366 Oh, he's being so dramatic. They're twisting this whole story. 549 00:42:43,117 --> 00:42:44,118 Oh, sorry. 550 00:42:52,335 --> 00:42:55,796 Hey, Angela. Angela? Babe? 551 00:42:56,589 --> 00:42:59,008 Look at this. There's glass all over the floor. 552 00:43:09,310 --> 00:43:10,645 Hello? 553 00:43:11,562 --> 00:43:13,063 Is anyone in here? 554 00:43:41,676 --> 00:43:43,093 You were right, Caputo. 555 00:43:43,844 --> 00:43:45,430 - About? - I'm tired. 556 00:43:45,888 --> 00:43:50,560 I'm getting old. It's a new phase of life. Time to pack it in. 557 00:43:51,561 --> 00:43:52,621 I'm glad to hear it. 558 00:43:52,645 --> 00:43:54,873 I'm officially one of the Golden Girls, hmm? 559 00:43:54,897 --> 00:43:55,940 I sit with them at lunch. 560 00:43:56,691 --> 00:43:58,943 They've even asked me to join their craft circle. 561 00:44:00,194 --> 00:44:01,630 What are you doing in my office? 562 00:44:01,654 --> 00:44:05,741 You told me to find a hobby, and that's exactly what we need. 563 00:44:06,284 --> 00:44:10,621 Especially the old ladies. The rest of the women here have work. 564 00:44:10,788 --> 00:44:13,916 There's no programs for those who've been put out to pasture. 565 00:44:14,249 --> 00:44:17,837 What do you suggest? Aquarobics? 566 00:44:19,088 --> 00:44:23,193 - I hear gardening is very therapeutic. - It is. 567 00:44:23,217 --> 00:44:25,511 It lowers stress, helps with depression. 568 00:44:26,220 --> 00:44:29,223 There's something about actually putting your fingers in the dirt, 569 00:44:29,807 --> 00:44:32,077 nurturing something to life. 570 00:44:32,101 --> 00:44:33,978 I've read it can be very healing. 571 00:44:34,604 --> 00:44:39,274 People who do three hours of gardening a week actually live longer. It's a fact. 572 00:44:39,859 --> 00:44:44,029 That old shed we use on grounds crew, it used to be a greenhouse, no? 573 00:44:45,239 --> 00:44:47,658 Wouldn't be so hard to clean it out, bring it to life. 574 00:44:48,283 --> 00:44:50,703 Let the old codgers tinker around. 575 00:44:51,286 --> 00:44:55,040 There's even a place to put your little plants, besides your office window. 576 00:44:55,583 --> 00:44:59,587 From the look of them, they're not getting the sun they need. 577 00:45:00,380 --> 00:45:01,464 What do you get out of it? 578 00:45:02,214 --> 00:45:06,343 I get to boss people around again. Even if it is a bunch of fossils. 579 00:45:07,887 --> 00:45:10,407 Fig would never go for a new program. 580 00:45:10,431 --> 00:45:12,182 It wouldn't cost much. 581 00:45:15,770 --> 00:45:20,650 Bring me a budget. Seeds, soil, everything spelled out on paper. 582 00:45:21,316 --> 00:45:22,527 I'll see what I can do. 583 00:45:33,037 --> 00:45:34,890 - I'm so sorry! - For what? 584 00:45:34,914 --> 00:45:37,559 I just... I fell asleep. I don't know what time it is. 585 00:45:37,583 --> 00:45:39,583 No worries. We just finished. You're right on time. 586 00:45:57,895 --> 00:45:58,896 You okay, Morello? 587 00:45:59,313 --> 00:46:03,568 Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm fine, fine. How did it go, Rosa? 588 00:46:06,153 --> 00:46:07,362 Maybe you should just drive. 589 00:46:20,960 --> 00:46:25,941 I always thought it was one pooter hole and a couple of different holes off of it, 590 00:46:25,965 --> 00:46:27,800 like a cave system or something. 591 00:46:28,300 --> 00:46:32,072 Now, see, sometimes my pee comes out like a sprinkler. 592 00:46:32,096 --> 00:46:34,575 Like, it's not a steady stream. It's more like... 593 00:46:34,599 --> 00:46:35,766 like a mini shower head. 594 00:46:36,308 --> 00:46:37,602 Are you listening to this? 595 00:46:37,852 --> 00:46:41,707 It's the talk of the town. The wonders of the female anatomy. 596 00:46:41,731 --> 00:46:44,585 You know, someone needs to get these women a medical book. 597 00:46:44,609 --> 00:46:46,110 This is ridiculous. 598 00:46:47,612 --> 00:46:48,797 Do you know? 599 00:46:48,821 --> 00:46:52,617 I mean... generally. 600 00:46:58,122 --> 00:47:00,290 Remember when that was you, Chapman? 601 00:47:00,457 --> 00:47:04,587 A lost little kumquat looking for a place to sit. 602 00:47:05,379 --> 00:47:06,439 What's she in for? 603 00:47:06,463 --> 00:47:08,423 Some kind of political protest. 604 00:47:08,716 --> 00:47:11,051 You know, the two of you might have a lot to talk about. 605 00:47:11,511 --> 00:47:12,803 I doubt that. 606 00:47:13,262 --> 00:47:17,975 These bogus bohemian babies have no idea what a non-violent direct action is. 607 00:47:18,934 --> 00:47:20,269 Dirty, fake hippies. 608 00:47:20,394 --> 00:47:23,773 Wow. Someone's got some issues. 609 00:47:24,356 --> 00:47:27,985 Brook! Right here! 610 00:47:28,277 --> 00:47:30,964 Please don't do that. She's a gabber. 611 00:47:30,988 --> 00:47:32,173 Shall we adjourn? 612 00:47:32,197 --> 00:47:33,741 I think that's wise. 613 00:47:34,491 --> 00:47:38,304 Oh, my God, I am so relieved. I thought you were mad at me. 614 00:47:38,328 --> 00:47:39,515 You're totally not mad at me, right? 615 00:47:39,539 --> 00:47:41,874 No, of course I'm not mad at you. 616 00:47:42,750 --> 00:47:48,172 Thank God. Everyone in here is in such a bad mood all the time. 617 00:47:48,338 --> 00:47:50,567 I mean, like, I always thought women's prison would be 618 00:47:50,591 --> 00:47:53,969 more about community and girl power and stuff. 619 00:47:54,679 --> 00:47:56,990 But some of these women just seem crazy. 620 00:47:57,014 --> 00:47:58,742 It can be a lot worse than that, Brook. 621 00:47:58,766 --> 00:48:02,853 It can be seriously dangerous in here. 622 00:48:03,103 --> 00:48:04,104 Don't kid yourself. 623 00:48:05,147 --> 00:48:06,231 What do you mean? 624 00:48:07,316 --> 00:48:10,110 You're a pretty girl. And you're gonna be a target. 625 00:48:10,360 --> 00:48:11,361 I know that I was. 626 00:48:11,486 --> 00:48:13,840 You mean like rape? 627 00:48:13,864 --> 00:48:17,076 Ooh, rape, assault, battery. 628 00:48:17,618 --> 00:48:21,496 You need to find yourself a prison wife. 629 00:48:22,164 --> 00:48:26,210 Somebody really tough. Somebody nobody's gonna fuck with. 630 00:48:26,543 --> 00:48:27,646 Did you do that? 631 00:48:27,670 --> 00:48:30,673 All I'm saying is that one night with the right protector 632 00:48:31,215 --> 00:48:34,301 can keep you safe for the rest of your sentence. 633 00:48:35,427 --> 00:48:36,863 You mean you. 634 00:48:36,887 --> 00:48:38,555 No. See, I'm not tough. 635 00:48:39,056 --> 00:48:43,686 What you need is somebody who inspires real fear. 636 00:48:43,894 --> 00:48:50,210 You know, somebody who's kind of man-ish and kind of bulky, 637 00:48:50,234 --> 00:48:51,736 but tender at heart. 638 00:48:51,861 --> 00:48:54,905 And there's not a lot of good ones. Most of them are taken. 639 00:48:55,572 --> 00:48:59,619 Hey, you two. What are we talking about here? 640 00:49:00,870 --> 00:49:07,334 Well, you know, I am feeling so single today. 641 00:49:09,544 --> 00:49:10,713 What's going on? 642 00:49:10,921 --> 00:49:14,567 Nothing. Big Boo, this is Brook. And, Brook, this is Big Boo. 643 00:49:14,591 --> 00:49:15,676 Uh... 644 00:49:16,426 --> 00:49:20,555 Is this some kind of game? I don't get it. 645 00:49:21,515 --> 00:49:23,702 What is going on? 646 00:49:23,726 --> 00:49:25,912 Could you suck any more at this? 647 00:49:25,936 --> 00:49:28,105 I suck at this? I mean, look at your ridiculous timing. 648 00:49:28,313 --> 00:49:31,710 Clearly this is not working, so can I just have my blanket back? 649 00:49:31,734 --> 00:49:33,294 No! You didn't deliver. 650 00:49:33,318 --> 00:49:34,880 Deliver what? Me? 651 00:49:34,904 --> 00:49:35,946 I did my part. 652 00:49:38,032 --> 00:49:40,660 Were you trying to pimp me out? 653 00:49:40,785 --> 00:49:42,012 She took my blanket. 654 00:49:42,036 --> 00:49:44,514 It belonged to my roommate, it meant a lot to me. 655 00:49:44,538 --> 00:49:48,793 Plus, it is very fucking cold in the dormitories. 656 00:49:49,459 --> 00:49:53,463 You tried to sell me for a blanket? 657 00:49:54,173 --> 00:49:55,925 Well, when you put it that way... 658 00:49:56,591 --> 00:49:59,469 You are sick, you know that? 659 00:50:00,470 --> 00:50:02,932 You are seriously fucked up. 660 00:50:08,478 --> 00:50:13,400 You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person. 661 00:50:27,790 --> 00:50:30,292 Hey, hey, what's the matter? 662 00:50:34,171 --> 00:50:35,505 You wanna talk about it? 663 00:50:41,846 --> 00:50:45,015 Oh, my God! Oh, wow! 664 00:50:46,767 --> 00:50:49,519 You know, I've only ever done this with one other girl before. 665 00:50:49,979 --> 00:50:53,774 I think it was at Bonnaroo, and I made out with the chick who painted my breasts. 666 00:50:54,942 --> 00:50:58,922 We were both wearing these, like, big headdresses 667 00:50:58,946 --> 00:51:00,924 and, like, The String Cheese Incident was playing, 668 00:51:00,948 --> 00:51:03,743 and we got up on stage and we just started dancing. 669 00:51:03,951 --> 00:51:08,348 You know, when I think back on it, I think I probably ended up getting heat stroke 670 00:51:08,372 --> 00:51:09,933 'cause the tent was like 1,000 degrees. 671 00:51:10,540 --> 00:51:12,376 Oh! 672 00:51:15,462 --> 00:51:17,172 That feels good. 673 00:51:17,547 --> 00:51:20,259 Do you ever feel like you're in your body, 674 00:51:20,675 --> 00:51:23,864 but you can really feel, like, the space around you, like, 675 00:51:23,888 --> 00:51:29,535 air suddenly becomes, like, really heavy, and you can feel, like, the atmosphere, 676 00:51:29,559 --> 00:51:32,396 and the molecules, just hanging around your head. 677 00:51:32,938 --> 00:51:35,041 And then, you feel this tingling... 678 00:51:35,065 --> 00:51:37,317 There we go. 679 00:51:37,734 --> 00:51:38,819 Mmm. 680 00:51:39,403 --> 00:51:42,447 Fucking String Cheese. 681 00:51:57,963 --> 00:51:59,298 What? 682 00:52:20,277 --> 00:52:21,598 Where's your little cuddle bunny? 683 00:52:22,654 --> 00:52:23,655 What? 684 00:52:24,406 --> 00:52:26,134 I saw what went down in here. 685 00:52:26,158 --> 00:52:28,953 You all cozied up with your little girlfriend. 686 00:52:29,161 --> 00:52:30,412 I ain't gay. 687 00:52:30,704 --> 00:52:32,372 Looked pretty gay to me. 688 00:52:33,248 --> 00:52:34,291 We just friends. 689 00:52:34,499 --> 00:52:36,126 Yeah? Just friends? 690 00:52:38,587 --> 00:52:42,842 And you're lonely. You wanna be touched. Need a hug. 691 00:52:43,884 --> 00:52:45,469 Maybe even more than a hug. 692 00:52:46,011 --> 00:52:50,975 Need all that drama of someone to call your own. 693 00:52:54,644 --> 00:52:56,146 Let me tell you something. 694 00:52:57,147 --> 00:53:00,001 Gay-for-the-stay is for punk ass bitches 695 00:53:00,025 --> 00:53:02,879 who aren't strong enough to be true to themselves. 696 00:53:02,903 --> 00:53:05,298 I told you, I ain't like that. 697 00:53:05,322 --> 00:53:08,759 I know that. And I also know that when you get out of here, 698 00:53:08,783 --> 00:53:11,620 you don't want people on the block talking about how you went that way. 699 00:53:14,874 --> 00:53:20,188 That's why I'm telling you, do not let her drag you into that shit. 700 00:53:20,212 --> 00:53:24,841 She is not your real friend. She is only your friend in here. 701 00:53:28,637 --> 00:53:30,931 She doesn't know you like I do. 702 00:53:47,656 --> 00:53:49,342 I can't really tell if he's breathing on here. 703 00:53:49,366 --> 00:53:50,409 Does he look dead to you? 704 00:53:52,286 --> 00:53:54,246 Yes. No. 705 00:53:55,664 --> 00:53:59,227 No, he's asleep. He is blissfully asleep. 706 00:53:59,251 --> 00:54:00,627 He's so cute, right? 707 00:54:01,378 --> 00:54:04,673 When he's sleeping, he's perfect. 708 00:54:06,800 --> 00:54:08,843 I loved playing house with you today. 709 00:54:11,596 --> 00:54:13,783 I don't know if I'm ever gonna have that. 710 00:54:13,807 --> 00:54:17,311 Yeah, you will. Shut the fuck up. 711 00:54:20,314 --> 00:54:21,541 I don't want to go home. 712 00:54:21,565 --> 00:54:26,736 Good. I don't want you to. You're saving my life and my sanity. 713 00:54:27,487 --> 00:54:30,216 Plus, you change diapers. 714 00:54:30,240 --> 00:54:32,909 And I can pay you with leftover Jamaican food. 715 00:54:36,246 --> 00:54:41,210 Honestly, Larry, I really wouldn't have made it through this week without you. 716 00:54:43,587 --> 00:54:45,005 Thank you. 717 00:54:57,101 --> 00:55:00,104 Now, don't be so juvenile, ladies. Listen up and learn, okay? 718 00:55:00,729 --> 00:55:04,292 Now, this is your vagina. This is your labia minora, 719 00:55:04,316 --> 00:55:09,989 this, this is your clitoris, and this is your urethra. 720 00:55:10,322 --> 00:55:11,757 This is where you pee from. 721 00:55:11,781 --> 00:55:13,450 Ah! 722 00:55:13,908 --> 00:55:18,205 Now, ladies, I want each and every one of you to go back to your bunks tonight 723 00:55:18,455 --> 00:55:20,976 and get to know your own chachas, okay? 724 00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:24,461 No fucking way. I got a mons pubis. 725 00:55:24,711 --> 00:55:30,009 Yes, you do. And you also have a labia majora and a clitoral hood. 726 00:55:30,259 --> 00:55:32,570 Now for those of you who are having trouble finding your clitoris, 727 00:55:32,594 --> 00:55:35,514 or your partner is having trouble finding your clitoris, 728 00:55:35,639 --> 00:55:39,393 you might have to pull back the clitoral hood to expose it. 729 00:55:39,559 --> 00:55:40,935 Little known fact. 730 00:55:41,311 --> 00:55:45,982 The day I use this ticket is the day New York has beaten me. 731 00:55:47,609 --> 00:55:50,921 You know, I just noticed something. You're kind of a mess. 732 00:55:50,945 --> 00:55:52,923 Thank you. 733 00:55:52,947 --> 00:55:54,550 Nah, I mean, did anybody ever tell you that? 734 00:55:54,574 --> 00:55:55,659 You're the first. 735 00:55:55,825 --> 00:55:57,595 Since when do they get all the best seats? 736 00:55:57,619 --> 00:55:59,371 The reign of whitey is over. 737 00:56:03,042 --> 00:56:04,352 I've never seen this movie before, 738 00:56:04,376 --> 00:56:07,147 but this is some serious capitalist propaganda. 739 00:56:07,171 --> 00:56:08,755 I mean, why is that success? 740 00:56:08,922 --> 00:56:09,982 Are we all supposed to wanna work 741 00:56:10,006 --> 00:56:13,319 in a corner office and make butt-loads of money? 742 00:56:13,343 --> 00:56:15,095 It's a total corporate agenda. 743 00:56:23,437 --> 00:56:25,105 Asshole. 744 00:56:28,692 --> 00:56:29,859 Yeah? 745 00:56:32,028 --> 00:56:33,029 Yeah. 746 00:56:34,198 --> 00:56:35,240 Hmm? 747 00:56:35,782 --> 00:56:38,452 Oh, my... You know... 748 00:56:40,787 --> 00:56:44,208 Yo, the Spanish bitches are sitting on too many freakin' pillows, 749 00:56:44,333 --> 00:56:45,875 making it hard to see and shit. 750 00:56:48,170 --> 00:56:49,355 What'd you call me? 751 00:56:49,379 --> 00:56:51,566 Shit. In my day, the black women would have done... 752 00:56:51,590 --> 00:56:55,051 Yeah, yeah, we know. Y'all ran this place. 753 00:57:00,307 --> 00:57:05,104 Shit, I missed, like, half the movie. Where my seat at? 754 00:57:06,438 --> 00:57:07,647 Sorry. 755 00:57:08,648 --> 00:57:12,236 You didn't save me a seat? You always save me a seat. 756 00:57:13,570 --> 00:57:15,071 You know how people are. 757 00:57:19,076 --> 00:57:20,077 What? 758 00:57:22,162 --> 00:57:24,206 Maybe you should get here on time. 759 00:57:32,297 --> 00:57:33,774 I've done a lot of stupid things. 760 00:57:33,798 --> 00:57:34,859 I bet you have. 761 00:57:34,883 --> 00:57:37,362 But I have never, ever been involved with a married man. 762 00:57:37,386 --> 00:57:40,573 Well, he was sort of separated when we started. 763 00:57:40,597 --> 00:57:42,575 Yeah, well, it turned out to be a lie. 764 00:57:42,599 --> 00:57:46,395 The whole thing was a mistake. But we live and we learn and we move on... 765 00:57:51,065 --> 00:57:52,359 Are you okay? 766 00:57:53,860 --> 00:57:56,714 I'm fine. I'm just... 767 00:57:56,738 --> 00:57:59,533 I'm missing my fiancé, Christopher, is all. 768 00:58:00,992 --> 00:58:04,788 Oh, honey. Deep breaths. 769 00:58:05,539 --> 00:58:09,751 Time is all relative. You'll be together before you know it. 770 00:58:10,084 --> 00:58:12,754 And married. We'll be married. 771 00:58:13,087 --> 00:58:14,506 Of course you will. 772 00:58:20,137 --> 00:58:24,808 I've decided not to wear a veil. It's too traditional. 773 00:58:26,185 --> 00:58:28,728 And I want him to see my face. 774 00:58:31,022 --> 00:58:35,152 Why hide it? It's gorgeous.