Well? How many recruits for your business empire did you
get last night then, Rothschild?
None of your business.
None then I take it?
Quite a few actually.
Oh right. Just my mate knows someone who lost a lot of money
getting involved in one of those pyramid schemes.
It's not a bloody pyramid scheme.
It's a genuine business opportunity.
And if last night was anything to go by I'm going to be
driving one of these soon.
Oh, you're so full of it I can smell you from here.
Bog off you.
Alright lads that's enough, back to work.
This is amazing.
It's all about American football teams that are starting up
all over Britain.
I'd love to play.
There's a team starting up in Manchester.
I might go along and try out, see what happens.
Something else now is it?
What do you mean?
Some other idea that's going to take over your life.
It's not like that.
That's exactly how it is.
Anyway how are you going to get to Manchester?
You haven't even passed your test and don't think
I am going to drive you thirty or forty miles a week.
We haven't got the money for petrol or train fares.
You don't understand...
No! It's you who doesn't understand.
What about me? What about the dreams we both used to share?
What's happened to us?
Nothing has happened to us. Everything I do is for us.
No, Derek, everything you do is for you
and I'm just about fed up with it.
No more.
♪
How do you fancy playing American Football?
Joking aren't you?
No, I'm dead serious.
There are teams starting up all over the country.
Oh yeah, and I'll bet they are crying out for long streaks
of piss like me with one leg longer than the other.
Don't be daft, you could be the holder or something.
Yeah brill, a poxy holder, great.
Anyway, how could we get to a team? Neither of us can drive.
I don't know, I just need a mate to come with me.
Look, if there was a team here like, local,
then yeah, yeah, maybe I would.
But I just haven't got the time or got the money.
Not with the baby an everything.
Get in.
♪
Gerry.
Wait.
Proceed.
Ever thought about playing American Football?
Why would I want to play that?
There are teams starting up in Manchester and Stafford.
I fancy giving it a go,
wondered if you fancied it, too, like...
Lads. Have you heard this?
Mister Universe here thinks he's going to be
an American Footballer, don't you?
Come on show us your muscles.
Ouch! Piss off you! I was only asking.
Bunch of puffs, all that padding...
and bloody helmets.
You shouldn't put yourself down. You should play a tougher sport.
You know like... table tennis.
Alright, settle down.
Hut... hut... hut...
Work!
♪
Well? You going to tell me what is up with you.
You've been like a dog with no dick since you came in.
No one wants to play American football.
And all they do is take the piss out of me.
There is no way I can get to training.
So yeah, I failed again. Ha bloody ha!
Hey! Don't take it out on me because people
have got more sense than you.
I told you to try and pass your driving test.
How long have I been on at you?
I really want to do this Kym.
And I really want the bills paying like you promised
and I really wanna own a nice house.
Oh, and I really want to start a family.
You see we all want things, Derek.
But take a look around, look how we live.
♪
If there was a team here like local, then yeah, maybe I would,
but I haven't got the time or got the money.
That's it!
I'm going to start my own team.
I'm going to start my own team here in Crewe.
I won't need a car, I'll be guaranteed to play.
Yeah, my own American Football team.
♪
Ey up, Maggie.
Oh hi. I'll be with you in a minute.
It's okay, I was looking for Sharky.
Look. Why don't you just let me get you a pint instead?
Hey, don't fret Maggie, it's not what you think.
They're out back. Be careful.
They've got a client out there with them.
Fifty quid by weekend or your car is mine.
Nod if you understand.
What was that for?
So he understands.
He just said that he understands, now let him go,
you dozy get.
I could tell he was new, a bit raw.
Come into the office. Sit down.
Now then.
It's a fiver short.
I need to borrow some more.
You have to be kidding? You never pay on time.
I'm always having to chase you and you still owe me a fiver.
You've got no chance.
Come on Sharky, it's what you do.
Lend money to desperate people like me.
How much do you want?
Two hundred quid.
Alright. Fifty quid a month for six months.
First payment in six weeks time and I'll let you off the fiver.
Three hundred quid?
Do you want it or not?
What's up with you?
Oh, you on a promise tonight or what?
No, mate.
I've decided to start my own American Football team
here in Crewe.
What! You're bloody mad.
How many players you got?
Two.
No, no, no, no, no... No!
Oh come on, Sean.
You said yourself if there was a team local you'd get involved.
And we'll make a fortune as well.
How'd you work that out?
Just think about it.
American Football is going to be huge over here.
People show up in the thousands to watch.
We'd make a packet on the gate receipts.
You said I'd make a bomb being in your down stand
selling that cleaning stuff.
Down line, its called down line.
Oh yeah, that. I'm broke.
Look, there's a warehouse out in Warrington
that has all the equipment.
Come with me and have a look.
That's all I'm asking.
You're such a pain in the arse.
I don't have money for train fare.
I'll pay your fare.
Simple. Just come with me.
Well, don't expect me to buy anything.
I'm up to here with your crazy ideas.
Oh yeah, just laugh, yeah.
It's going to be good, it will work.
This must be it.
What's up with you?
A.F.U.K. A fuck.
Hello boys. How are you? What can we do for you today?
Oh, we're just starting up a new American football team.
Thought we'd come and have a look at prices, get an idea.
Yeah, yeah, okay, alright... Come in, mate, yeah.
We've got everything in here you are going to need
for American Football. Absolutely everything.
These are all absolutely brand new, okay?
Not a scratch on them.
You're going to need one of these.
The stuff behind you here. The stuff behind you...
Now these shoulder pads are secondhand.
It's really good stuff. It's secondhand, okay?
And in there we had a delivery from the States.
You can look around in there later if you like.
But everything here is great for NFL.
You're not going to want anything else.
So any questions you got, either of you, just ask, okay?
- Alright. - What team are you?
Crewe Railroaders.
I've never heard of you.
No, we're new!
Yeah well, we play for um...
- Manchester. - Manchester.
That's why we know what we're selling, you see.
We understand all the gear. Let's try it out, come on.
There you go. Let's get that on you.
Okay, so you're going to get hurt in this game
if you don't understand what to buy and how to wear it.
Okay? See, best possible protection.
Now this is real good, this is really good.
What position do you normally play?
Um well, I don't really have a position yet. Um...
Hey, hey, hey. Come back, come back, come back.
Did that hurt? Did it hurt?
I nearly bloody shit myself.
It didn't hurt and I'll tell you why.
Because these are the best pads money can buy.
Come back, come back, come back.
Right, you're going to need one of these, alright?
So when you put it on, you pull this out so you
get it over your ears.
Same when you take it off, alright? Try that on.
Hey! You're not hitting me with that again.
No, no. Chill out, it's fine.
Hey! No, no!
You are so chicken. Come here.
No, we can't touch these, mate, because these are an order.
We can't touch them they are brand new.
- Okay? - Okay.
So chill out, chill out. It's fine.
What do you wanna do? What do you think?
You look a right dickhead.
Bollocks you, I bet I look bloody brilliant.
No, really you look like a dickhead.
I'll take them.
Cool. Into the office, mate.
- You've got a deal. - Let's go.
♪
Kym? Close your eyes love.
Are they closed?
They're closed! What are you up to now?
Right. Open them.
You bloody dickhead.
Where did you get that lot from?
Where did the money come from Derek?
It's alright, don't worry about it.
No, it's not alright and don't you dare tell me not to worry.
I knew this would happen I just knew.
I'm sorry, love.
I know you think this is one of my stupid ideas.
But this sport is going to be huge in this country.
Sky's the limit if this thing takes off.
But just say no and I'll quit.
You're more important.
Please, Kym.
Just promise me no more spending and I mean no more.
No more spending, promise.
You've promised before.
Not like this, I'm begging you.
Don't beg. You're pathetic enough as it is.
Oh, just bloody do it. You're going to do it anyway.
Really? Are you being honest?
Thank you, love.
I love you. Hey, you're not gonna regret this.
Oh, I'm sure I will.
And stop nicking flowers from the park.
♪
Alright, love, I'm off.
I know. I look a dickhead.
Just go.
Shut up, you.
♪
What time is it?
Am I late?
Are you late?
Go on, go on.
Wanker!
I'm sure that wasn't aimed at you, mate.
♪
Isn't many people.
At least there's some, mate. At least there's some.
♪
Good Morning.
Thanks for all turning up.
My name is Derek and I am the, uh...
Well, head coach I guess.
This is Sean, my assistant.
I'll just get your names.
Golightly
Oakesy.
Sean.
Mozzer.
Lloyd.
Sinny.
I'm Crank.
I'm sorry, coach.
I'm Cadillac, this is Jenny.
Alright, boss. I'm Eddie and I just wanna shag Cheerleaders!
It's alright, I'm only kidding.
No, I was just wondering if you wanted a team physio?
Cause I'm with the Saint John's Ambulance and uh...
If anybody gets injured I can help out like, boss.
Wow yeah, that would be great, Eddie. Thanks.
Also I thought maybe I could referee a bit, only in practice.
Because I watch it on the telly.
You know, just to help out generally, boss.
Ace, what can I say.
Oy! This is our pitch.
But we were here first, what's wrong with the other pitches?
This is our pitch I said.
Why don't you take you and your friends and piss off?
Do you want me take care of 'em, boss?
Before things get nasty.
No, no, it's easier if we just move on.
Piss off to the U.S. if you are going to play this kind of game.
You bunch of pufters.
Go on! Go on, tossers!
Go on! Go on, piss off!
Right, sorry about that.
Okay, I'm assuming you all understand the basic
principles of the game?
Okay, well let's start practicing where it all begins.
The snap.
So first of all I need a Center.
Mozzer, yeah? Yeah, come on. You'll do. Come here.
Right, so I'm going to be the Quarterback, you're the Center.
You have to snap the ball into my hands.
Basically ram it up your arse in one swift movement.
That's about the jist of it. I'll do the rest.
Alright.
Hey, you're not a bender, are you?
No, I'm not. This what they do at the start of each play.
Yeah?
Woah! That's too weird, mate.
You touched my bollocks, mate, no way.
What are you some bender or what?
I think uh...
We ought to get to know each other a bit better
before we do that again.
Here you are, Coach. Jenny will do it for you.
- Oh yes! - Shut up, you.
I think we should split into two teams
and have a game of four on four, yeah?
- Alright. - Alright.
One, two, three, break!
Come on.
Ready... Hut!
Yes, Coach!
- Yes! - Come on!
Shit!
Eddie! Eddie, get here now!
Okay, okay, stand back, stand back! Let me have a look.
Stand back, back, back!
Come on, men. Look, look, look.
Do you know what you are doing?
There you go! Alright, son.
Hey, come on, son. Up you get.
There we go. Come on.
How heavy are you? Bloody hell.
It's alright, boss, I've got him. Oops.
Come on, son. Over here.
You alright? You alright, son?
Okay, everybody, listen up please.
Go ahead, Coach.
Thanks, Sean.
Well that wasn't quite how I wanted to end today's session.
But I hope you have all enjoyed what was really just a try out.
We'll meet again next week, same time.
If you know anyone else who's interested bring them along.
And it might be a good idea to find yourselves motorcycle
helmets or something, just so we can stop having any more
accidents like today.
Alright well, see you next week.
- Cheers, coach. - Thanks a lot.
See you later.
Well, what do you think?
Yeah, I really enjoyed myself actually.
Yeah, you look like you knew what you were doing
most of the time. Most of the time.
Coach.
We did it!
Hey! You're not coming in here in that stinky, smelly outfit.
Alright, alright.
Hey love, guess what? You're looking at Coach Simmons.
Out.
Hey listen love, it went really well.
Apart from the bit when they thought I was a puff,
but I think this is going to work.
Take those smelly clothes off before you come in here.
And don't think I'm washing them... Coach Simmons.
Alright, Mavis. Go on, show's over.
That's it, lads, well done.
Hey, good hands, Jenny.
Lads, she's showing you up.
That's it, keep it up. Eyes open, that's it.
Good, Mozzer.
Come on, lads, listen to Coach.
Right, everyone. Gather around, gather around.
We've got five new lads.
Yeah, big lads as well. Brilliant.
Right. It's good to see you all again, fantastic. Right then!
I thought I made it clear that this is our pitch.
But you used that pitch over there last week.
Yeah, but we want to play on this pitch now get lost.
Let me have a go at him, boss.
No, Eddie, it's not worth it.
Come on. Let's just move on.
We're on the wrong pitch again. Come on, off you go, follow me.
Go on. Get lost you pufter. Come on.
Get lost.
Go on. Get lost, you pansy pussy.
We're gonna sprint to the 18-yard box.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
It's alright, Mozzer.
Go on lads take a breather, take a breather, well done.
Right, that's it for this week.
Go and get yourselves home. Get your feet up.
You did well!
See you later. See ya.
Coach, can I just have a quick word?
Course you can, Oaksey, what is it?
Angie.
- Hi. - Hello.
This is my girlfriend Angela.
She wants to ask you if you want to form a group of Cheerleaders.
- Yeah! - Cheerleaders?
Yeah, I know a few girls who want to do it.
And I'm a dancer so I can do all the choreography.
I just wondered if you wanted anything like that.
- Absolutely! - Yeah?
Well, of course I do, yeah! Thank you very much.
The girls will be dead chuffed.
Cool. Cheers, Coach.
- Thanks, Derek. - Thank you. Cheers.
Hey, I could of done that. Why didn't you say something?
What, you be a cheerleader? I don't think so.
You fancy her, don't you?
You do, you bloody fancy her.
What are you on about, Jen?
I just saw you, you were looking at her.
You've been checking the lads out all day.
No, I haven't. You were like staring at her.
But it's Oaksey's misses.
And?
Well he's my mate, isn't he?
But you were looking at her, just makes me feel...
There's no harm in looking, is there?
Well there is actually.
Oh listen if you're going to get jealous like that,
why don't you just do one, eh?
- Go on. - Is that how you feel?
Is that how you feel?
You going to carry on or we going back to ours?
- I do everything for you. - Right, what do you do for me?
I come and watch these matches.
Well you don't have to. I don't ask you to, do I?
Oh, just go and do one, Jen. I can't be arsed.
Just piss off, will you!
No, you piss off. You know what? I've had it.
Yeah? Alright. See you later. Yeah, bye.
Yeah, alright.
Well, mate. We've been in existence for eight days.
The team is taking shape.
And now Cheerleaders. I think this thing might just take off.
What we really need is an American Coach.
Someone with some real experience, you know?
I can only take this so far.
It's starting to take shape, mate.
- Starting to take shape, it is. - Yeah?
Where are we going to find an American in Crewe?
What was that for?
For letting me start the Railroaders?
Is that why?
I thought that maybe you loved me?
I do! You know I do.
Kym, I've managed to sell all my cleaning stock
back to the sponsor.
I'm not going to waste any more money on that.
And all the money is going to go back in the Bank.
Good.
You really are beginning to make more of an effort.
I'm still nervous though.
What about love?
I'm still waiting for another one of your hairbrained schemes.
There won't be one.
The Railroaders is all I care about now.
Oh, and you of course!
Well just you make sure that money goes into the bank.
Of course.
♪
Your pitch?
Come on, lads, move along.
That's it for today guys. Great session, great session.
Right, go and rest up and we'll see you next week.
- Alright. - Alright.
Toodle-loo. Take care. Alright.
Good work, boys. Cheers, coach.
Cheers, cheers.
Should be enough for a couple more helmets and pads.
You sure? I thought you had money problems.
No, yeah, it's fine.
I managed to sell all my stock back to the sponsor.
Well with this money and all the subs we have collected so far,
we probably got enough for six sets of shoulder pads
and four helmets for next week.
Magic.
♪
Debbie, look at my ring.
Oh, beautiful!
Are we having a good time boys and girls?
Alright, let's hear it for Angie and Oaksey.
♪
I thought you said you paid Sharky this month.
What do you mean?
You know damn well what I mean.
You've been crapping yourself every time that door opens.
That obvious?
She's hardly likely to start anything here, is she?
Not with this lot about.
Same again?
♪
Who's this?
Jenny, I told you we're over.
Yeah, he's with me now, so just go.
You little cow!
Well, well, look who it is. The elusive Mister Simmons.
Hi, Sharky.
Don't bloody hi Sharky me. Fifty quid now.
I haven't got it.
We have a problem then don't we, son.
Oh please, Sharky. That's all I've got in the world.
I'm going to call this your interest payment for being late.
You still owe me three hundred quid.
Oh, come off it, Sharky.
Fifty quid in two weeks time.
Fifty quid.
Stop hitting people, will you?
I hope you like it.
Well?
Look! I got one for myself.
So we can wear them at the same time.
How brill is that?
Don't know why I got my hopes up.
Why did I think this year would be different?
Thanks, love. It's gorgeous.
Just like its owner.
Hey. Do you fancy going back to bed for a bit?
You never know. There might be another present
up there for you.
Oh, I suppose we can spare two minutes
before we go to your mum's.
Happy Birthday, Kym.
Thanks.
It's um, it's... It's lovely.
When I saw it I thought of you. I knew you'd like it.
So how's work going?
Oh Mum, you know I hate work, why do you always ask me?
No backbone, that's your problem.
Always after an easy life.
I'm not after an easy life.
There's just more to life than bloody Royce's.
There's no need to swear
and Rolls-Royce has done your father no harm.
Sorry, Mum. Anyway, I shouldn't have to be there much longer,
because my team I'm doing...
The only way you will be leaving Royce's
is if you win the pools or die.
But why? I thought your picture framing business was doing well.
Mum, that was ages ago. I told you it didn't work out.
I needed a shop really for that to work. But anyway I'm...
Always an excuse, isn't there, ey?
Always somebody else's fault.
Never stick at anything for longer than ten minutes.
I thought it was doing well?
Well if someone will give me a chance I'll tell you.
Anyway, what's for after's, Petal?
Trifle. What were you going to say?
Nothing. It doesn't matter.
The trifle's more important obviously.
Anyway, happy birthday, Kym. Alright?
If it doesn't fit, you can always take it back, alright?
Well I don't know about anybody else, but I'm going to have
some of this trifle.
Looks like this is our pitch today.
Right, we've got a couple of new faces,
so let's see some welcome tackles.
Don't worry, lads, we'll go easy.
Right, let's warm up. One lap around the pitch. Off we go.
Oh!
Sorry Boss.
What the...
Can I have a word like?
Quickly.
Well this American guy just moved in the street across us.
Really?
Yeah, yeah. Well it's our neighbor, you see.
She's a school teacher like and she's doing this
like exchange with an American couple.
Have you met him yet?
Yeah, it's his Mrs., you know, that does the teaching so
he's got nothing to do and um...
He said he'd love to help out, and I don't know...
maybe be a Coach or something.
When can I meet him?
Uh, well I'll talk to him tonight and let you know, yeah?
Uh, coach!
Does this mean, you know, that I've got position of Center?
We'll have to see how you do today,
won't we, Mozzer? Come on.
Here we are, son. Let me have a look, let me have a look.
Come here, come here.
Which one is it? Which one? Is it this one?
- Get off me. Leave me alone. - What?
- Come back here. - Woo hoo, Derek!
Oh, hello.
Hi!
Hi. Hi, Boys.
- Hiya, Derek. - Hello.
Hi! Oops, I mean... Coach.
Got a minute just to have a look at our first routine?
- Yeah, of course. - Yeah?
- What, now? - Yeah.
- Alright, yeah. - Yeah, cool.
Come on, girls! Come on.
Concentrate.
Just remember we've only been practicing a short while.
- Alright? - Not many of you.
Yeah, there will be more on the day.
Okay.
Ready? Five, six, seven, eight.
U.L.G.Y. you ain't got no alibi.
Cause you ugly! Yeah, yeah, cause you ugly! Yeah, yeah!
U.L.G.Y. you ain't got no alibi.
Cause you ugly! Yeah, yeah, cause you ugly! Yeah, yeah!
Cause you ugly, yeah, yeah!
Debbie! Debbie! Yeah, yeah!
Debbie!
Put that fag out.
What do you think?
- Yeah. - Yeah?
Oh, just one thing. Ugly is U.G.L.Y not U.L.G.Y.
Yeah, that's what we said.
Right. Keep it up.
Debbie, put the fag out.
Yo! What up, dog?
Hello James, you alright?
This is Derek I was telling you about.
Come on. Take a seat, guys. Take a seat.
Hey! Thanks for inviting us over.
I can't tell you how excited we are and what a boost
this will be for the team.
I told him what you said like and um...
That you might be interested in coaching the team.
When I heard you guys were playing, man, I bugged out.
Listen, I'll help out in any way I can.
Ace. So you played at college then?
No, I like to work out, but you couldn't pay me
to play no football.
Oh okay, so you just coached?
No, no, no, never coached.
So you don't know anything about coaching?
Listen man, if you went to the States right,
you would know more about soccer than anybody over there,
even though you have never been a coach. You feel me?
Well, I know Football. Grew up with it, dog.
I suppose you got a point.
And I was the equipment manager for the basketball team
when I was in college.
Watched those cats do all sorts of drills and exercises.
Same thing in football, just need to change a few things.
Just call me crazy.
Okay, okay, but as far as the team is concerned
you are a real American Football coach.
A good one, the best.
We're lucky to have you, you know what I mean?
Yeah, man, I won't say anything like, you know.
I'm cool.
If they think you're the real deal,
they'll do anything you say.
Woo! This is going to be awesome.
Listen, I'm gonna grab you cats a couple of beers and
might as well get started on the game plan like immediately.
Yes!
It gives me great pleasure to introduce to you...
Your new Head Coach, James Dupont.
Oy! This here is my pitch
Hey, yo, what's a pitch?
Uh, a playing field.
This used to be your pitch, asshole.
No, no. You don't understand. This here is my pitch.
No, dog. I don't think you understand.
Now you got ten seconds to get your fat ass outta here
or my dogs are going to use you as tackle dummies. You feel me?
Tossers. You're all tossers.
You're all talk. We can't hear you.
Tossers. You're all tossers.
Yeah, yeah, come on!
Right, I think that's the last we'll be hearing from them.
- Yeah! Yeah! - Great shot.
Assholes.
Alright, guys, listen up. Even on a beautiful day like today,
it's very important that we warm up first.
So let's get started with twenty star jumps. Ready? Go!
One, two, three, four...
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop! We need to work on that.
Now as your coach I would never ask you to do anything
that I cannot do myself.
This exercise is called The Killer. Watch.
Now in a game, you're gonna get knocked down.
You might even get blindsided, maybe tripped.
This drill gets you used to getting back up.
So when I say 'hit it, ' you hit it.
Hit it!
That my friends is a Killer.
Now when I say 'break down, ' you break down.
And when I say 'hit it, ' you hit it.
Ready? Break down.
Hit it.
Get up, I haven't even started with you guys yet.
I said get up!
Let's keep moving, let's keep moving. Let's go!
Let's split into four equal teams. Let's go!
I'm alright. Eddie, I'm fine.
I've got to go with the lads. Eddie get off me.
I'm dead. Yup, I'm dead.
You guys are looking good, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you guys. Come on.
Alright, alright! Good job, guys, good job!
Alright, we're gonna get it together though. Come on, baby.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Get up, get up, get up! Go! Come on!
Let's move. Keep moving. Keep it moving.
Break down!
Watch the ball, watch the ball.
Well done, boys.
He's going to kill us, you know that, don't you.
Listen, what I want is all you guys in two long lines
about a yard apart.
Okay? Let's move, let's move.
Alright, you heard him. Come on.
♪
I said up.
Up, one.
♪
Railroaders on three. One, two, three. Railroaders!
Great job. Alright, guys, take a knee for a second.
You guys are pretty tired, huh?
Feel pretty bad?
Yo, listen.
If we wanna play this game seriously
we got a lot of work to do, guys.
First thing we got to do is get in shape.
I was kinda tough on you guys today,
but you did good. It's good stuff man.
- That a way, coach. - Cheers, coach.
Thanks, Coach.
That was unbelievable.
I don't think any of us are going to
be able to walk tomorrow, but thanks all the same.
Right. Now you know how serious we are. Yeah?
I'll see all you cool guys next week.
Alright, can we get...
Coach James, Coach James, Coach James...
♪
Okay, guys, down to your right.
Oy!
I thought I told you a hundred times this is my garden.
Yo, follow me.
♪
Everybody in one line.
Now in a few seconds when I shout hut! My dawgs...
are going to bury your punk ass into the ground.
So I suggest you find another pitch because
we gonna use all these.
We ain't got all day, man.
You got about ten seconds to make up your mind.
Ten... Nine...
Eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...
On one. Ready?
Ready!
- Ready? - Ready!
Down... Set... Hut!
Buggers!
I'm gonna friggin' get you for this. You're dead.
Nope, still alive.
It's Railroader time, baby! It's Railroader time!
That's what I'm talking about!
Afternoon love, is he in?
No, he's not and I'm not just saying that.
Well can you tell him that unless he gets fifty quid
to me by midnight, I'm going to have to take some action.
Do you understand?
No, I bloody don't understand.
Don't you dare start threatening me.
I know who you are. You don't frighten me.
Well, let me enlighten you. Your husband borrowed money
off me and now I'm here to collect or
laddo here gets very angry.
Well I can tell you now, he hasn't got a penny,
not until Thursday when he gets paid.
Thursday, you say?
Look I'll make sure he gets fifty quid to you
by Thursday evening.
That's if he's still alive after I've finished with him.
He's a very lucky man.
For your sake I'll wait till Thursday then, fifty quid.
What did you do that for?
So she understands.
Of course she understands, she said fifty quid.
I'm sorry, love. I'll get you another one.
Bastard!
Hiya, love. Sorry I'm a bit late.
You liar. I thought you had changed. How stupid am I?
Ey? What's the matter?
I had a visit from Sharky this afternoon while you
were out playing with your mates.
What? She came here.
Is that where you got the money from for your kit?
Yeah, it was but... I was meant to pay her back.
Oh come on, Kym.
Let's just get through the next few weeks and...
I can't believe she came here.
I'm pregnant.
Pregnant?
You know how much I've wanted a baby, but not like this.
Not when we are in this state.
Hey, this is supposed to be the most happiest moment
of our lives.
How can I be happy when you just won't change?
I will change.
I hope so Derek for our baby's sake.
Oh my God. I'm going to be a Dad.
I know. That's what frightens me.
Derek.
Hey up dawgs! The bonus has come in this week.
Well if it isn't my laddo.
Fancy meeting you here like this on Pay Day.
Wages now.
Oh come on, Sharky. You can't take all my wages.
My wife is pregnant. I need to buy stuff.
Well it's lucky for you that I like your wife,
so I'm only taking what I am owed.
Two weeks time another fifty quid. You understand?
And here, make sure your wife gets this.
Well, well, well, helmet cheese.
Come here.
You're dead.
I'm really sorry, love. It was Sharky.
She jumped me and took my wages.
I told her I would get fifty quid to her by tonight.
You know I've a good mind to call the Police
and report that bitch.
No, no, no, that would just make things worse.
My mess, I'll sort it.
What's all that about?
Don't ask.
Five, six, seven, eight,
Let's go Railroaders, let's go Railroaders,
let's go Railroaders!
Five, six, seven, eight,
C.R.E.W.E. Railroaders! Railroaders!
Rail.. roaders! Woo!
What to you think, Coach?
Magic, that Angie, yeah. You've come on leaps and bounds.
Do you mean that?
Absolutely, yeah and there's more of you.
Yeah, I auditioned more.
- Fantastic. - Thanks, Derek
Well done, keep it up.
Get another helmet and set of pads with that.
Where's this come from?
I got a bonus at work this week.
It's okay, Kym knows.
- We better keep an eye on him. - Huh?
Alright guys, show is over. Stop looking at them skirts.
Let's get back to work.
If he starts getting shifty, give Eddie a shout or something.
Okay, guys, listen up.
Today is the last day to fight for the position you want.
We are going to play Offense verses Defense in game situation
and go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs.
Here are the starting line ups.
Take a look and get into positions.
Cadillac, come on.
Sorry Coach.
Hey guys, check this out.
- What are you doing? - Where'd you get that from?
It's not real, you pillocks, it's just a pellet gun.
- Cover me though, yeah? - Yeah, okay.
Ready? Break!
Down... Set...
Ow!
Oh, you don't want a penalty, boys.
Hey, hey, hey, what is wrong with you guys today?
What's up, Coach?
What do you mean, what's up?
Do I look like Stevie Wonder? I can see the gun.
It's just a joke, Coach. Christ.
It wasn't funny. I ought to shoot you in the ass.
Get back in the huddle.
We still get the five yards?
In the huddle.
♪
Quiet.
I can't believe your attitudes out here today.
Do you think this is some sort of joke?
Do you think I'm here to watch you guys jerk around?
If this is just a big joke to you guys, I'm gone.
- No, coach, coach! - Nah, I'm done.
Look guys, this attitude is really starting to piss me off.
You've got to start taking this seriously.
I thought we had something here.
I thought we all wanted to play American Football
on a National scale.
From this point on, this becomes serious or not at all.
Right, everybody in.
Sean, come on. Cheerleaders.
One, two, three!
Railroaders!
♪
Was that the post?
Yeah, yeah, just a letter from the UKAFA fixtures
of who we are playing this season.
Nothing important then.
Right, better go.
See you later then.
Right, lads. Thanks for coming at such short notice,
but let me tell you it's good news.
I have here the official schedule.
Our season begins away at Hereford.
But you want to know something really interesting?
I got a phone call from the Leamington Royals,
they want to play a pre-season game here in Crewe.
We've got four weeks before our first game.
Yes, this is it, Sean, this is it.
Derek. These cats ain't ready, man.
They might think they are ready, but they are not even close.
Four weeks ain't enough.
What do you know? You're not even a real coach.
What the hell is wrong with you man?
I don't have to be a real coach to understand that
these cats ain't ready.
What's gotten into you, man?
I'll tell you what's gotten into me.
In four weeks time, good or bad, win or lose,
do or die, we play our first game and that's final.
Oh, watch out. Oh, sorry.
Have I missed something?
Yeah, your boy's tripping.
Little bit of an atmosphere.
Okay, Mister Stanyer is ready to see you now.
You're not making any sense whatsoever.
The Cumberland Sports ground would be ideal.
As I mentioned before the only place available
that matches your criteria are the Middlewich playing fields.
But we are the Crewe Railroaders,
not the Middlewich Railroaders.
I'm sorry, but that's all I can offer you at such short notice.
But look, the Cumberland Sports ground is free that weekend.
Why can't you just let use it? We are expecting a big crowd.
The Cumberland Athletic Track is the pride and joy of the county.
You can't seriously be suggesting that we turn over
our flagship facility for you to churn up.
So you would rather let it stand empty than let us use it.
Is that what you are saying?
The offer of Middlewich still stands.
I am trying my best to accommodate you.
No. You are treating this sport like everybody else.
Like we are some kind of freak show.
Well, it's not the last you have heard of this.
I'm writing to my M.P.
She'll appreciate what we're doing for Crewe.
We are going to be representing this town up and down
the country and you are not even helping us.
I've done all I can.
Well we'll see about that.
That's it, guys. Come on, take a knee.
Deep breaths.
How we feeling?
- Good. - Good.
So this is it, guys.
The next time you put on your helmets,
you will be playing your first game.
Listen up, everybody. I picked up the jerseys.
We've got some kit. Yeah!
Right, lads, bring it in.
One, two, three... Railroaders!
Any news on the ground?
No, I'm going to have to go into the council and
suck up one last time.
- Look man, just cancel the game. - I can't.
Come on, dawg. We don't have a place to play,
the team ain't ready and I'm telling you
somebody is gonna get hurt, man.
No, this game goes ahead. I need this game to go ahead.
This is not about you anymore, man.
This is about the team, what's best for the team.
No, it is about me.
This was my idea, this is my team.
I stand to lose everything because of it
and I mean everything.
So I say we play Sunday.
Oh, for God's sake. What now?
This has got to stop. I'm not in the mood for this.
You wanna fight? Let's fight.
Come on, I'm fucking ready. I'm fucking ready.
I want to play.
You want to play?
Yeah.
Sean! We need a new jersey.
Alright, alright.
Kym, what's all this? What's going on?
I've had enough of your lies.
What do you mean?
This fell out of your jacket when I was putting it away.
When were you going to tell me?
Unless we come up with the money by next Monday
then we would lose the house.
Is that still the situation?
I'm not stupid, Derek. I know where that money's gone.
On that fucking football team.
No, please, Kym. We've got our first game next Sunday,
the gate receipts will pay off all our debts.
It will all have been worth it. We're not lose the house.
Yeah? Look at me, look at me. We're not gonna lose the house.
Just please don't leave me.
Oh, I wasn't leaving, that's full of your clothes.
This house obviously means nothing to you.
Sort this mess out or I'm throwing you out.
I mean it, Derek.
Two hundred quid?
You want me to loan you another two hundred quid?
Well you got some balls, I'll give you that.
Ain't he? Got some balls like?
Yes, balls!
Please, Sharky, I'm in big trouble.
You are in big trouble, my lad. With me. You owe me...
Ooh, let's see... two hundred and fifty quid.
Bit too fruity that, let him go.
Look, I'll be able to give you some of it back
on Sunday out of the gate receipts.
Really? Well how does this sound?
We'll see you Sunday to collect two hundred and fifty quid.
And no, you can't have another two hundred you cheeky sod.
I can't make Sunday. It's my mother's birthday.
Your mothers birthday?
Do you know what, I can't run a business like this.
You're sacked. I'll bloody well go myself.
Sunday. Two hundred and fifty quid or else.
Daisy!
Ey up, toss pot.
I, uh... I hate to ask, but don't suppose you can
lend me two hundred quid?
Very funny.
What do you want?
I'm serious, Gerry, I need two hundred quid.
Oh, mate, I haven't got it.
Alright. I'd just thought I'd ask.
I mean, yeah, of course I've got it,
I'm just not giving it to you.
♪
That's the situation, including this weeks wages
I need one hundred and sixty quid or
else they will kick us out of the house.
Why am I not surprised?
Answer me this. Did you spend your money on the football team?
I told you, I bloody well told you.
Alright look. I get the picture, I'm useless, pathetic,
I've heard it all before.
All I want to know is will you lend me
one hundred and sixty quid?
What? He'll only go and do it all again won't he?
Oh, forget it.
I knew it was a waste of time coming here,
don't know why I bothered.
Hey! That's right, it's all our fault, isn't it?
There's always somebody else to blame but yourself.
Derek wait.
Mum, thank you. I'll give it you back on Monday
after we have play the game, yeah?
You just make sure you use it to pay off the arrears
and don't tell your Dad.
Oh, hello. Could I speak to the head of sports
and recreation please?
Hello.
Yeah, speaking.
Mhm.
Oh, yeah.
Really?
Right, okay.
Yeah, that's amazing.
Thank you.
Half and hour? Yeah, I can be there in half an hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you very much. Alright, see you.
Yes! Yes!
What's up with you?
We've got the Cumberland Sports ground to play our games at.
Oh, love, things are looking up for us.
Oh, did you call in sick for me?
Yes.
Great. I'll pay this in then.
Well it seems the plight of your team had quite an impact
on a certain Member of Parliament.
Therefore after much deliberation, we, the council,
have decided that the Cumberland Athletic track will be
made available to you this Sunday.
Of course there will be a nominal hire charge,
but we have reduced the fee to one hundred and forty pounds.
A hundred and forty pounds?
Yes. Yes, it would normally be two hundred pounds.
Oh, and we need that now so we can get everything moving.
Shit.
I'll just get you a receipt then.
Are you okay?
There we are.
No, no, sorry can't do it, can't do it. I need the money.
Look can we please pay you out of the gate receipts?
I'm sorry, you can't charge the public
for admission into the game.
Our public liability insurance doesn't cover American Football.
We can't charge admission?
No.
We need to charge admission. You don't understand.
Well, I'm sorry. You can't.
I'll give you seven days.
Seven days to pay after the game.
That's the best I can do.
Thank you.
♪
So the money you've been giving me for pads and helmets
should have been paying off your bills off?
I thought we'd get it all back from the gate receipts.
I've been an idiot, mate.
So we definitely can't charge admission?
Nope. And now I owe my mum hundred and sixty quid,
Sharky two hundred and fifty.
I've not made any payments on the bloody phone for months
and they are about to cut the electricity off.
God what a mess.
Does Kym know all this?
But you paid your rent arrears off.
Yeah. At least that's safe for the time being.
I'll tell Kym after the game on Sunday about everything else.
♪
Why was no one taking money at the gate?
Don't worry, love, I'm sure it's all been taken care of.
He's forgotten to organize, ain't he? Wouldn't surprise me.
You know what he's like.
Hey, hey, hey, calm down, calm down, calm down.
Listen up. Hey, hey! Listen up.
I was just talking to the refs and we got major problems.
Oooh!
Come on, Jenny, out.
Alright, chill, chill, chill. Everybody chill out.
Check it out. Everybody must have a mouth piece.
You will not be allowed to play unless you have one.
If you don't have one, raise your hand.
You guys are going to have to share with each other man.
Hey, hey, hey! Don't quit on me now.
It's that or you don't play, what do you want to do?
Play.
Well then find some dog to share your mouth piece with.
Hey Danny, Danny!
Want to share with me like?
Five, six, seven, eight...
Wait, you!
Derek, why is no one collecting money?
Sorry, love, I'll tell you later.
James, I need to apologize.
You're a great coach and we couldn't have
done it without you.
No worries. It's been a blast, man. Just hope nobody gets hurt.
I still don't think these dudes are ready.
You're probably right.
Come on, dog, we've got a game to play.
Alright.
Alright, baby, it's game time, it's game time!
Railroaders on three. One, two, three.
Railroaders!
- Ready! - Ready!
Break!
Down... set... hut!
♪
We're getting murdered Coach.
Hey, hey, hey. Lift your heads up.
You got nothing to be down about. Alright?
Let's go back out there and have some fun.
Today is all about learning the game.
Come on, man. What happened to my crazed dawgs?
Alright, listen up. They're keying in on Oaksey, alright?
They are over pursuing.
Let's try the reverse we worked on.
- The reverse? - The reverse.
It's going to be wide open, nobody is over there.
Just tuck the ball away and you've got it.
- Alright? - Okay.
Enthusiasm, guys, enthusiasm. Come on, bring it in.
Bring it in, let's go.
One, two, three.
Railroaders!
♪
Derek!
♪
Come in, love. I'm just about finished.
I'll be back in a minute with them tablets.
Sean's here. He wanted you to know that you lost 50-13.
Love, that's not important.
Look, Kym, need to talk. I need to tell you something.
I know you don't think so, but I love you and I'm so sorry, but...
Ah, there you go.
These will ease the pain a bit.
Oh dear, the sooner we get you get home the better.
That's it. He's ready to go now.
I really need to tell you...
Not now, love. There's something you need to see first.
Come on.
Sean told me what an asshole you've been.
Funding the team, neglecting your family.
That's not cool, man. Not cool at all.
So we took up a collection after the game.
These dawgs really appreciate you putting everything
on the line for them.
There's enough there to cover most of your debt
and pay for the ground fees.
Don't do it again. You hear me?
- Wow! - I'll look after that.
Wow! I don't know what to say.
Well, I know we lost.
And I've broke my bloody arm.
But today has turned out pretty special for me.
You guys are family and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Ahead of us is the first season of American Football
on these shores.
And I can't wait to step out there with you.
But I need to spend some time with someone I've been
neglecting far too long.
Hey, don't think you are off the hook that easily, Simmons.
We've got a lot to talk about.
Alright you crazy dawgs, bring it in.
Everybody, come on!
Railroaders on three.
One, two, three...
Railroaders!
♪