This programme contains strong language and adult humour
- Welcome onstage Mr Jimmy Carr! - CHEERING
Now...
Have we got a show for you!
We've got Rob Beckett, Jon Richardson, Kiell Smith-Bynoe,
Roisin Conaty, Lou Wall, Susie Dent and Rachel Riley. Yay!
CHEERING
Is there more Ghosts? I don't know why there wasn't a film.
My accountant would like there to be.
- There should be a film. - There should be a film.
Just on an unrelated matter, Kiell,
- I am an actor now as well. - Thank you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I do acting now as well.
Right. So what sort of stuff do you want to...?
I mainly play coke-sniffing teachers.
Has anyone here seen him on Waterloo Road?
ONE PERSON CHEERS
LAUGHTER
Kiell, I've recently retired from acting.
All right, let's do this, everyone.
Play the cue...the music. Whatever we do, I don't know.
COUNTDOWN THEME
CHEERING
Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
a show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
Let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain Jon Richardson.
CHEERING
In 2025, Jon played Grouchy in the new Smurfs movie.
Tell me, Jon, how did you research your role
as a small, grumpy, troll-like creature with no friends?
He's got friends. You've added that.
Have you even seen my work?
I literally saw it the first day it came out.
- What did you think? - I thought it was amazing. - Yeah. Thanks.
- Do your Grouchy voice. - Go on.
- I have to get into character. - OK.
Don't even say it.
- Oh, it's good. - Oh!
That is good.
And Jon's team-mate, Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING
Roisin used to work on the till in Woolworths,
so I think we've finally solved the mystery
as to why Woolworths went under.
These are quite gentle. What are you going to do?
You going to throw something at me?
No, no. I'll be gentle.
You are very bad at this game.
Bad in a good way, though. Sort of the good like bad,
like Michael Jackson Bad. Forget I said Michael Jackson Bad.
Up against them this evening, it's team captain Rob Beckett.
CHEERING
Rob's family used to call him Jaffa Cake
because he had big nipples.
Which begs the question, how big are these nipples?
So they've calmed down now,
but there's a little bit of lump to them.
But when I was going through puberty and your hormones are raging,
they were big old puffy boys.
And they looked like Jaffa Cakes
because the areola is the chocolate flat bit.
Then on top of that, the orange-filled chocolate bit
- was the nipple-y bit. - Ugh!
Can I, um...
- Can I see...? - Um, afterwards.
- Afterwards you can. - Why?
- I'll come over and show you, but not them. - OK.
BOOING
I'll have a look.
I'll tell you whether they're worth seeing.
- I want to see. - I want to see if everyone's getting a look.
Oh, Jesus!
- I saw it. - Did you? - Yeah. - Oh, that is...
- That is not a normal... - No, that's a normal...
- Oh, you sound like my mum. - Yeah.
I want to see all of your tits if we're getting in comparisons.
Jimmy, show me your tits.
Oh, he's got little drawn-on dots.
OK. And joining Rob tonight, it's Kiell Smith-Bynoe.
CHEERING
Kiell says he's scared of pigeons. Well, apologies. If we'd known
you were scared of small, annoying, flappy, rat-like creatures,
we wouldn't have sat you anywhere near Jon.
- That's it. - Kiell, It's your first time on the show.
Are you going to be better at the letters or the numbers?
Well, I'm not sure, but I am very good
at remembering my postcode.
- And that's both. - Ooh!
Fighting talk.
What is your postcode?
What is my postcode?
What's your mum's maiden name?
OK, Roisin, do you do you enjoy going out in nature?
I really enjoy nature. But nature is out to get me.
It feels. I have been,
no exaggeration, locked in Hampstead Heath three times.
- I thought it was just open space. - It's not open space.
There's no gate on Hampstead Heath, is there?
There is a gate on Hampstead Heath.
- I've been locked in there three times, Jon! - All right!
You're starting to come across a bit like a Tory MP.
Twice in one year. I think the guy thought I was just trying to, like,
get a bit of attention. Like him with his nips.
Tell you what, me wandering around with these nips out
on Hampstead Heath, we'll all get locked in.
There is a bit of... There is some part of Hampstead Heath
that is open for the people who do fruity stuff.
There's like little... I don't think you do it... You find a bush.
I don't think you find a bush. They're not into that.
They don't just do it... They don't just do it in the open ground.
There's bush bits.
Oh, I see the joke now. Sorry.
- Jon, have you got a mascot? - Yes, I have.
Obviously, I've been vegan for a little while,
and the problem is it's very competitive.
It's a very competitive environment.
- What? - So you've got to find a way to be the most vegan.
So I've elevated now
to now protecting the stuffed animal community.
And I think the community I'm speaking about most here
are the binmen and women of the UK
who strap teddy bears to the front of their lorries against their will
and drive them around in all weathers.
You see them in winter - little Elmo strapped to the front
of a bin lorry, not able to move.
So I thought, well, see how they like it.
So my mascot tonight, please welcome my lucky binman, Phil.
APPLAUSE
How long do I have to stay up here? I need a shit.
I told you to have a shit before we started, didn't I, Phil?
I did. But I need another one.
I don't know what you're eating. Are you eating a lot of dairy?
- Yeah. - Well, I think you might have an intolerance.
Maybe. It does hurt when I eat a Magnum.
Right.
Jon, that four-cheese pizza's coming back to haunt me.
All right, let's back him out of here before he shits the studio out.
Um, that's Phil, everybody.
APPLAUSE
Someone had to take the front off a truck for that gag.
Mad, innit?
There's a guy at Lymm Services now, livid.
- Kiell, have you got a mascot? - I've got a mascot, yeah.
I didn't want to go a rude one.
I thought outside of the box.
Uh, can we get Aurora?
APPLAUSE
Ah!
- Oh, this is good. - Hey, girl.
This is Aurora. And although it may look like
I've never seen this bird before in my life...
..we actually went to drama school together.
I'm not a great animal body language expert,
but you don't seem the closest pair.
OK, I'm getting the feeling the parrot's a little bit racist.
Maybe Aurora wants a snack.
Aurora, do you like snacks?
Would you like a Jaffa Cake?
Come on, Aurora, we practised this.
- Kiell, she... - Come on, Snuffles.
She fucking hates you.
Well, you've embarrassed me.
So, um, back to Jimmy's dressing room.
Off you go.
APPLAUSE
- Aurora. - Aurora. - Aurora.
Roisin, have you got a mascot that doesn't hate you?
- I do actually have a mascot, Jimothy. - What is your mascot?
So the thing that most relaxes me, that makes me feel very calm
which I like to feel on this show, is my little doggy, Harpo.
She's a little Maltese, so I thought, what relaxes Harpo?
Let's go to the source of what creates all the relaxation.
And Harpo recently got done.
You know, when they have, they get done. What's it called?
- Snip. - Snip! But a woman snip.
- Spayed. - Spayed. - A scoop-out.
A what?!
Oh!
I didn't know you were medical.
She recently got spayed.
And ever since then, ever since she got spayed...
- Yeah. - ..she's turned into a real sex fiend.
Her first victim was this piggy.
Now, I don't know if you can see.
She's absolutely destroyed Piggy.
Now it's a pig. So, listen, lots of people have had sex with pigs.
- It's absolutely fine. This is not the worst of it. - No!
No, it isn't fine to fuck pigs.
Is it pigs that have got curly willies?
- Yeah. - I call it the porkscrew.
Nice.
My mum thinks I'm sex-shaming her by bringing this on the show.
My mum is indulging it, and I walked in the other day
and my mum was letting this pig be used against her while the pig...
The dog humped the pig.
So the dog, your mum and that pig had a three-way?
Next, kitchen roll.
Oh!
She's gone up a gear, so it escalated pretty fast.
That's all sex stuff.
She's now gone absolutely feral
and done my hiking boot.
Oh, wow.
So these are all sex toys of a little Maltese dog.
But they bring her a lot of joy and they really calm her down,
so I brought them in as my mascot.
- Lovely. - Thank you.
- The worst bit is I used that one for a pillow on the train. - Oh!
- Rob, have you got a mascot? - Absolutely, yes. Um, now,
I've been taking health and safety and first aid quite seriously,
and I've noticed, I've been here a few times
that there's no, um, deflibulator.
What, sorry?
- There's no what? - Deflibulator. You know...
Deflibulator.
- You're adding an extra... - Deflibulator.
What is it? What am I saying wrong?
- You're putting an L in there. - No L? - No L.
Look it up, Suse.
How are we spelling it? Deflibulator.
- Defibrillator. - Defrib...
- Rillator. - Let's be honest.
No-one's spelling it when they need it.
So let's not worry. Anyway, we ain't got one,
- whatever you want to call it. - Right. - So I was looking one up.
Very expensive. So I've tried to design my own...
- Ooh! - Great idea. - ..as a cost-effective safety measure.
- Great idea. - So I've got one. Do you want to see it? - Yeah.
Bring it out, boys.
APPLAUSE
There you go.
- Do you want me to show you how it works? - Yeah. - Yeah.
I'm just praying this attaches to your nipples.
So this is how it would work.
Hope you don't mind. I got this from your dressing room, Jim.
So, um. Yeah. So you basically hook it up like this.
ELECTRICITY CRACKS
There we go.
And then is how it works.
You need to be deflibulated, yeah?
Don't worry, I'm coming!
- What's the word you say? - Clear. - Clear!
That's it. So here we go.
So you put it on, and then...
- Clear! - ELECTRICITY CRACKS
I think it's working.
I think I've melted his Jaffa Cake, by the looks of things.
Yeah. Anyway, so this is mine.
So if anyone's struggling today, I can get you going again.
Rob Beckett, everyone, with his, uh, defribulator.
There you go.
There must be a few defibs in here, because regular Countdown,
- you've got to lose one a week, haven't you? - Yeah.
Is this a show other than this, then?
There's a proper one where they get more than three-letter words. Yeah.
Ooh!
She's come out fighting. She's come out fighting.
OK, well, over in Dictionary Corner, we've got Lou Wall.
CHEERING
Lou is six foot four. To put that into perspective,
that's about 12 Jon Richardsons.
Lou, tell us a little bit about yourself.
Hello. Um, I'm Lou, I'm from Australia,
but I've just moved to the UK. I like it here.
It rules, but there's some cultural differences.
Like you guys call a toilet a loo.
That's... That's me.
But I find it, like, quite accurate because I am like a toilet,
like white and full of fucking shit.
Well, you're in Dictionary Corner.
Are you better with the letters or the numbers? What's your thing?
I like letters, I like literacy, but like, if I am bad at it,
it's like because it's like hereditary.
Um, recently I got this text from my mum.
"Dad hab died."
Followed by, "Dad heb died!"
"Sorry."
"Dad's herbs died."
And then she just finished it off with this stunning text.
"FUCKing autocarrot."
And with Lou, of course, Susie Dent.
CHEERING
Susie's new book is a harrowing crime novel.
And that sentence also works if you remove the word "novel".
Susie, what have you been looking into recently?
I have been looking into teen slang.
- Teen slang? - Yeah. This 6-7 thing
which is everywhere that people are fascinated by.
You've heard 6-7?
- 6-7? - 6-7. - Yes.
No-one knows what it means, including the kids.
The derivation is either a rap song
or something to do with a basketballer's height, I think.
But, yes, so 6-7,
so it's like, you know, "How tall are you?" "6-7."
You say 6-7 instead of 6'4.
"What time is it?" "6-7."
- You're probably about 6-7, Jimmy. - On the slack, yeah.
So anyway, I find this completely fascinating
because not even the kids know what it means.
They lose break time at my daughter's school now,
if they say 6-7. They lose break time.
- Oh, do they? - It's got that... It's that endemic. - 6-7.
The teacher's terrified during maths.
Like, "If I ask a question..."
And they've started playing Countdown in my daughter's school.
She said to me the other week, "We've started playing this game
"where there's like numbers and letters."
I never felt more... But I thought she'd be so excited when I went,
"You know that's what I do for a living."
And she went, "Do you?"
She could have put you as a cokehead from Waterloo Road.
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
CHEERING
Do you have a favourite number?
I quite like... Have you heard of the golden ratio?
Basically, it's this number that appears in nature
in loads of different places.
So in seashells, it appears, in flowers.
Um, and it's an irrational number,
so it's written as phi, the Greek letter phi.
And it also appears in beautiful faces,
the golden ratio, kind of the width to the height.
So what I think happened was
when you went to your plastic surgeon,
he got confused between phi face and pie face.
So when you go back, you should ask
for the golden ratio next time, rather than...that.
APPLAUSE
OK. And the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this -
the Countdown Camouflage Kit.
Oh!
Now...
Little bit of TV magic for you.
Boys, show them where you are.
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
It's time for the first game. Jon, Roisin,
you get the first turn to pick the letters.
Roisin, would you like to pick the letters?
- Yes, please. - Oh.
That's backfired.
- Rachel, may I have four con...? - Oh...
..consonants?
S
What's your problem with the way she's picking it?
Well, just... If you don't give a shit, say no.
I give a shit.
Why don't you just say, "Put nine letters up there"?
No. You think because I don't cry because I'm not good at it,
I don't care. I'm hiding my sadness.
OK.
- Does that make you feel better? - No.
Another... Another consonant, please, Rachel.
That felt really real, like a married couple arguing.
"I'm hiding my sadness. Look, we're out with the kids.
"Eat the Pizza Express and try and have a good day."
We're neighbours. He's an absolute nightmare neighbour.
Another consonant, please, Rachel.
N
Why is he a nightmare neighbour?
Oh, he has all kinds going on in there.
Makes out he's this cardigan wearer, he's not. He's absolute filth.
Another consonant.
P
And a vowel, please, Rachel.
E
And another vowel, please, Rachel.
O
And another vowel.
A
- Last two are yours. - One of each, please, Rachel.
- One of each. - Just get them out there. I don't really care. - A U
and an L.
I've gone right off the Countdown music. I'm gonna...
I'm going to step it up. Boys, please.
APPLAUSE
For your delectation, this is the Countdown Tongue Choir.
Your time starts now.
THEY VOCALISE "I CAN'T HELP FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU"
APPLAUSE
Jon, Rob, you fancy having a go on the tongue choir?
Define "having a go on".
Singing or receiving?
Just a quick demo of the tongue action there.
There's no noise came out of that.
# Ah... #
Hang on. I'm going to the... I'm going the other end.
This guy, this. Look at this.
It's like a forearm.
There's no sound at all there.
"Come closer, Clarice."
What is this show?
The Countdown Tongue Choir, everyone. Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you. Thanks. APPLAUSE
Jon, how many letters?
Er, seven.
- Seven! Roisin? - Six.
- Er, Rob? - Five.
- Kiell? - Seven. - Ohh! - Ooh!
He came to play.
Oh, yeah. For real.
- All right, Rob, your five? - LEAPS.
OK. Roisin, your six?
- PLANES. - Jon, your seven?
- WEAPONS. - Ooh!
Kiell, your seven?
WEAPONS
OK, seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
By the way, I'm excited about this.
You guys are in trouble. He's not fucking about.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight...
He's got 11 options in the same time I got LEAPS.
Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
- Just another seven from us. - What was the other seven?
APOLUNE. It's a beautiful word. It's the point at which a spacecraft
in lunar orbit is furthest from the moon.
And it's the opposite of the perilune.
OK, onto our first numbers round.
Rob, Kiell, your turn to pick the numbers.
Two big ones, all the rest little ones, please, Rachel.
- Coming up. 10 and 10. - That's 20 already.
1, 3,
75 and 50.
Don't give it away.
And the target, 847.
OK. And your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 847. Roisin, did you get it?
- I did. - Oh, good. - Do you want it? - Yeah.
- I'll come back to you in one sec. - It won't be there in a minute.
- Jon, did you get it? - I think I got 848.
- Rob, did you get it? - Er, I got 800.
- Kiell, did you get it? - No. I got 840. - Rois, how'd you do it?
So I did 10 x 75.
Oh, no. Yeah, seven...
Hmm.
750. I've got it wrong
because I've got it down as 800, but...
- Add a 10 onto the 75. - Oh, my God, Jimmy's got one!
Well, you get 850 and then there's a three there.
- I mean... - Yeah. It's the easiest one we've had in...
I didn't get it. I was so sure I had it.
- That's not allowed, is it? - Ten points to me.
Were you good at maths at college or school?
- No. - Do you know how long you pause sometimes?
It's like you've turned off.
I just think you should bring it up with your manufacturer.
Jon, how did you get what you got?
75 x.
+ 1 = 825. And then summat else. 10...
10... 10... 10 x 3.
- What are you doing? This is not your style. - I don't know.
- It's gone. - Roisin got it wrong. Jon's like nothing written down.
We've got 840. Kiell, off you go.
75 x 10
1 + 3 = 4, x 10
Times the other 10.
Add those together.
- 790 + 50. - Yep. Seven away.
OK. Five points to Kiell!
So Jon and Roisin are on seven points.
Rob and Kiell are in the lead with 12.
- Yes! - Wow.
And here is your teaser. The words are SEND TITS.
The clue is - open wide. That's SEND TITS - open wide.
See you after the break. CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser - the words were SEND TITS,
the clue was - open wide. It was, of course, DENTISTS.
So Rob and Kiell are in the lead.
They've been playing in teams so far,
- but this game is just for Rob and Roisin. - Hmm.
- So, Rob, your turn to choose. - Do you know, I think it's good that Jon
has a little break from this,
because I think his head's completely gone.
- I agree. - He's not happy. Kiell's turned up, and not only
is he better than Jon at spelling and Countdown,
he also is cool.
- He's cool, Rob. He's in a cardigan. - Well, yeah,
he's actually turned up in his outfit, but in a cool one.
So I think it's good you have a little break
because you don't seem yourself.
I don't want to be myself.
I'm going to be Lewis Hamilton for a bit while you do this round.
Neeoww!
"Fucking idiot!"
I don't think he makes the noises with his mouth.
He's done you again.
Pick some letters.
OK, cool. Um, please, can I have, um....?
You pick.
You're in charge, right?
R
E
T
- There we go. - I
M
A
S. This is a great one!
E, and the last one,
T
And your time starts now.
OK. Go ahead.
- Jon, could you give me a hand with this? - Yeah.
Tap it around the back, mate.
Oh, yeah.
- Does anyone want a beer? - I'll have a go.
OK. Well, lovely.
Oh! Is that...
- Is that a normal flow for you? - Ah, yeah.
Ahh...
Saltier than you'd think.
The stones sink to the bottom.
Anyone else want a beer?
You need to get a manufacturer to sort your robot knees out, mate.
They're not bending how they should.
Like a cow trying to go upstairs.
Do you want to try some?
Oh, Jon!
CHEERING
I feel very paternal.
BURPS
- Thank you, Daddy. - Let's bring out the beers. Yeah.
- Wow. Roisin's on a hen do. - Is there any more?
Just worth letting everyone know I had asparagus for lunch.
- Thanks, Jon. - Nice.
APPLAUSE
- Roisin, how many? - I mean, I'm sort of nervous.
- OK. - I've got nine. - Wow!
This is a big deal. OK.
It's a huge deal.
Have I not got nine?
You've got a really good eight.
Why?
- There isn't... There is. - Yeah, but only the one of him.
- Oh, great. - Oh, Jon!
Boo!
He can't even let his own team-mate do well.
You're a disgrace.
- You couldn't even let her have a moment. - He did, though.
He sort of saved me.
Do you want Roisin to score eight or not score nine?
- Rob, how many have you got? - I've got seven.
OK. What is your seven?
- MATTERS. - Roisin, your eight?
MISTREAT
But I thought it was MISTREATS. Got very excited.
I'm going to give you the eight. I think it's very good.
Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
We had a couple of eights.
- We had STEAMIER, EMIRATES. - EMIRATES!
Not as in the Arsenal ground, but as in the province of an emir.
OK, so at the end of that, Rob and Kiell have 12 points,
Jon and Roisin have 15.
APPLAUSE
- An eight. An eight! - I really tried.
I mean, to be fair,
you needed that because Jon's going up against Kiell now.
I have faith in my team-mate. He's shown consistency.
He's not a braggadocious player and will take us to the final.
- Do you know what? - I feel the same about mine,
but I'm not having to fluff him up because his head's gone.
- No need. - You've been fluffing all night. - He's down there, rock hard.
It's very rare on this show
that team-mates refer to each other as rock hard.
- Can I just say... - No. - ..I'm absolutely fine.
And if Kiell does well, that benefits the show.
LAUGHTER
- Hello, Rachel. - Hi, Jon.
- Six small, please. - Six...
Do you like the numbers, Jon? Confident with six small?
I don't mind the numbers. I don't mind the letters.
I just appreciate good friends having good times.
A tricky selection.
We've got 5, 7,
4, 3,
10 and 9,
and the target -
185
And your time starts now.
Smug much, Jon?
How's your boy doing?
Flaccid now.
- Kiell, did you get it? - 184.
OK. Jon, did you get it?
I think I've got it. Yeah.
How did you get it?
- 10 – 9. - No, no, less smug.
10 + 9...
19
..is 19, x
190
- Take away that little 5... - You can have your lap of honour.
Ten points.
APPLAUSE
How do you feel about it, Kiell? How'd you feel about that?
I would have liked to have won that one, actually. Yeah.
- Yeah. - It's weird because I believed him when he said it.
- Yeah. - Well, he's a good actor.
Well, he's not in Waterloo Road.
No, he's not.
Was that a compliment?
Not a little blue Smurf, is he?
I got four lines and three of them were, "Oh!"
OK, so Rob and Kiell have 12 points,
Jon and Roisin have 25.
Oh!
OK, time now to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Lou, what have you got for us?
OK, so I had a really shitty old bed frame,
and so I put it on an online marketplace for free.
Um, and this is that story.
I have turned it into a musical.
You're welcome.
Um, and for context,
all you need to know is that the bed frame is up there for free.
This is how it began.
# Is the bed frame still available?
# Yes, it is, gay emoji
# Can I please negotiate the price?
# No Why?
# It's free
# You run a hard bargain, Lousier
# But that's just not the way marketplace working
# I was like, all right, how about half price just for you, Eileen?
# How much now?
# Still free
# Dance, dance, dance You are the best
# Party party oink
# Here's my address
# Wow, that's a long, long way from my house now
# How about a small discount?
# I said, Eileen, I can't be clearer It's free to pick up
# Could you drive it to me, please? What the fuck?
# Please! No! Please! No! Please! No! Please! No!
# I don't own a car Why didn't you say so?
# I can drive See you tomorrow at five. #
So at this point, like, I go to bed,
I'm like, I'll deal with this bitch in the morning.
And then very early the next morning, I received this text.
# Louiser, I'm out the front
# Sent at 5am, argh!
# I said see you at five
# Please come out and let me in
# I should have known not to trust you
# Axe, pickaxe, fire
# Should've known you didn't care Bleh, fire!
# I show up on time
# Are you dead?
# Please
# Where is bed? #
# How was I supposed to know that what you meant was 5am?
# Knock knock knock Eileen!
# Let me in No
# It's not an ideal time for you to get the bed frame
# What time, then?
# I'm like, could you come back at eight?
# But I'm outside Yeah, my housemates are sleeping
# Should I just knock? This is getting creepy... #
I go back to sleep. I wake up at eight. Is she there? No.
12 hours later, though, here she is again.
# Lousier, I'm here again
# It's 8pm Yes
# Where is the bed?
# Is the concept of time too hard for you to comprehend?
# You're 12 hours late, Eileen
# I can't get you the bed
# Like I'm at work right now, OK? Like I'm not even home
# But I came all the way back for it
# Yeah, I know
# No, please Heartbreak emoji, pumpkin emoji
# Sorry. Typo! Seriously, please.
# Where the bed?
# Oh, my God, that lady's back. What?
# Can you help her get the bed Sure
# OK, my housemate is home Knock on the door. Ask for Tim
# 402? No, 403
# Knock knock knock. It's 403.
# Knock knock. Anyone in? Angry dolphin pilot shit
# That was not what I expected
# I'm taking off the bedding and the pillow and the mattress
# What? There is no bedding Just talk to Tim
# He'll show you what to take
# Is this free? Picture of a pillow
# That's not my pillow Taking pillow
# Where did you get the pillow? Where the fuck are you?
# Is Eileen there? No. Shit! Fuck! Oh, my God! Oh, my God,
# It's perfect. It's exactly what I want. Bigger than I thought
# And free bedding Thank you. Five stars
# Missed call, missed call, missed call, missed call
# Cannot talk, driving with bed
# I said Eileen, can you please pick up? Yay!
# I don't think you took my bed Tim said you never picked it up
# Thank you for the bed, Lousier
# Missed call Eileen...
# A message from my neighbour
# We have just been robbed Our bed and sheets were taken
# Lock your doors!
# Eileen, you stole my neighbour's bed
# My bed's still here
# You took the wrong bed from the wrong house
# I did no such thing Then she blocks me
# I said Eileen, please Where is bed? #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You've had contact with the person that's going to murder you.
I mean, 100%.
Yeah. And that bed frame still very much available.
How much do you want for it?
And here is your teaser. The words are PENIS HAT.
The clue is - don't be so dramatic.
That's Penis Hat - don't be so dramatic.
See you after the break.
CHEERING
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were Penis Hat. The clue was - don't be so dramatic.
It was, of course, THESPIAN.
Rob and Kiell, you're 13 points behind.
So we thought we would give you a little bit of extra help
in the form of the award-winning comedian,
winner of the Edinburgh Comedy Award, Sam Nicoresti.
CHEERING
Welcome, Sam.
Nice... Nice to be here. Sorry I'm late.
I was backstage hanging out with the friendliest parrot in the world.
OK, so you won the Edinburgh Comedy Award, which is very impressive.
But we're all winners here.
Everyone's a leader in their field. We've got Britain's smallest man...
..TV's most chatty horse...
..and the world's most pointless mathematician.
I don't know which one of us is the horse.
There's three in the running.
Now, have you brought a mascot?
Do you know, I have bought a mascot, actually, Jimmy. Let me get it up.
Here we go.
- How about this? - Oh! - Yeah, I brought this from home.
What do you reckon?
Have you seen this? Have you seen one of those before?
- Ooh! - Oh, wow. - Yeah?
- You like that? - Yeah! - I like trains.
I've got an affinity with trains
because much like my hero, the Siberian railway,
I am also trans. So...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Just to explain, that's why I'm dressed like
the ghost of Liberal Future come to haunt your problematic nan
at Christmas. That's the look.
I don't know if anyone else here is really aware of it.
Very hard, very hard being trans.
When I came out, I came out to my girlfriend
a couple of years ago and she was really good with it.
But like, you have to be honest,
it's not really clear how you come out
to your girlfriend about being trans.
Like, what do you do?
Sit her down and say, "Honey, huge news.
"You're gay." That's...
I mean, we're in trouble.
I was tuning into the news the other day and they were saying,
trans women, they better stay away from sports.
My pleasure. What the hell?
For me, that's the entire point.
I would have transitioned in secondary school
if I knew it came with a sick note. That's a...
Big fan. But, yes, my pronouns are she/they,
but that's neither her nor their. And I...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, Jon, Roisin, your turn to choose the letters.
- Hello, Rachel. - Hi, Jon.
Could we have a consonant, please?
Yes, boss.
R
And another one, please.
Oh, he's cheered up now he's won the maths.
Well, he's done the maths,
but I still don't think he can do Kiell at Spelling.
We're going to see that play out and I'm quite excited.
A vowel, please.
O
A consonant, please.
N
I think Sam's going to be really good as well,
so you really have to try hard.
A vowel, please.
E
Another vowel, please, Rachel.
I
And another consonant, then.
C
- Yeah. That's nice. - Keep your vibes up. - Oh!
I'd love a consonant, please, in this game I love with my friends.
N
And then another consonant, please, old friend.
And my old mate, R.
OK. All right.
Your time starts now.
- Rob, how many you got? - I've got a five.
- You've got a five. Kiell, how many? - Seven.
Seven, OK. Roisin?
Five.
OK. Sam, how many?
- I think I might have a nine. - ROISIN GASPS
- I think. - Jon?
- I also have a nine. - Ooh!
Oh!
What is your five?
My five is RINSE.
RINSE. Er, Rob, your five?
- GONER. - Oh!
- GONER. - They're a GONER.
That is a word. Rinse unfortunately has an S, not a C.
LAUGHTER
Roisin's a GONER.
She's a GONER. What's your seven?
- CRINGER? - CRINGER. - Oh!
No...
- Er, yes! - Oh!
APPLAUSE
Do you know what that looked like, Susie?
That looked like the money hadn't hit your account yet.
"No... Oh, yeah, it has, actually. Yeah, it's definitely there."
OK, so, Jon, Sam, I'd like you
to say your nine-letter word on the count of three.
All right. Are you ready? One, two, three.
CORNERING.
- Wow. - 18 points for both teams. Huge.
OK, here is your final teaser.
The words are SEEN FART. The clue is - seal that up.
That's SEEN FART - seal that up. See you after the break.
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser.
The words were Seen Fart. The clue was - seal that up.
It was, of course, FASTENER.
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sam, your turn to choose.
Oh, my. OK.
- Um, please may I have a consonant? - You may indeed.
- And... - T. - Oh. Yes.
And then, er, two vowels.
A, U.
Consonant, please.
- D. - OK.
- I think a vowel. - Good choice. I. - Thank you.
Um, well, now the pressure's on to make a good choice again.
Consonant, right?
- S. - No, not happy with that. Oh, no.
Um, consonant.
- M. - A vowel. - Another A.
And then a consonant.
And the last one - R.
- Cool. - I might have a crack on this because I find the game boring.
OK, your time starts...
COIN ROLLS
..now.
8-BIT MUSIC
APPLAUSE
Rob, how many?
Er, six.
- Kiell? - Seven.
- Sam? - Six.
Roisin?
- Five. - OK.
- Jon? - Seven.
KIELL GROANS
Oh! Kiell!
Roisin, your five?
MITAU.
What, sorry?
MI... MITAU?
How are you spelling that incorrectly?
How are you spelling the word that doesn't exist incorrectly?
MITAU?
- Oh, yeah. - That's the one.
- Oh! - So you wrote a U
and you couldn't be arsed to finish it, so it was an L?
It's not... It's just a sort of half-finished...
Look, the word was causing me the most, so I gave up at the end.
I thought, "This isn't a word." So I bailed out on the U.
But now it seems like it is a word, am I right?
Check your account.
It's not in yet.
- Rob, your six? - Yet!
- RUDIST. - RUDIST. - Yeah. - Yeah, that feels more on point.
How are you spelling RUDIST?
Uh, NUDIST with an R.
- Ah. - Oh, OK. She don't look happy.
Ah, I can't believe this is in!
Oh, well, tell you what, shove it.
- Cos it is in. - Do you know what it means. - Absolutely not, no.
It's a cone-shaped fossil bivalve mollusc.
Absolutely.
I just thought it was something that was the rudest.
I was going to go for AUDITS, but I didn't want to panic Jimmy.
LAUGHTER
- Sam, your six? - AUTISM.
- What's your seven? - STADIUM.
- Jon, your seven? - I've got MUSTARD.
- What's the other word? - MARAUDS.
Oh, you should have gone with that one!
- But I wasn't sure on the spelling of that. - Oh, right. - Chicken.
It's never stopped Roisin!
OK. Seven points to both teams.
APPLAUSE
OK. Lou, Susie, could they have done any better?
- More sevens. - More sevens.
We had MARAUDS and TRAUMAS and SAMURAI.
- Ooh! SAMURAI is good. - Good words.
OK, so, Rob, Kiell and Sam have 37 points.
Jon and Roisin have 50.
Oh!
Well done, neighbour.
OK. Fingers on buzzers.
Time for today's Countdown Conundrum.
Your time starts now.
BELL
Oh, Sam.
Er, is it STAUNCHED?
- Is that even a word? - Let's see if Sam is right.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
So the final scores are,
Rob and Kiell and Sam have 47 points,
but our winners, Jon and Roisin with 50. Congratulations!
You are now the proud owner of this -
the Countdown Camouflage Kit.
Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us. Goodnight.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media