This program me contains strong language and adult humour
Tonight, on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
Jon Richardson... APPLAUSE
...Richard Ayoade... APPLAUSE
...Katherine Ryan... APPLAUSE
...Laura Smyth... APPLAUSE
...Mat Ewins... APPLAUSE
...Susie Dent... APPLAUSE
...Rachel Riley... APPLAUSE
...and your host, jimmy Carr. APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
the show about letters, numbers and conundrums.
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's team captain, jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE
jon stars in a mockumentary about his life,
but you can tell it's not real,
becausejon comes across as funny and likeable.
APPLAUSE
You obviously haven't seen it.
No-one's seen it. LAUGHTER
And Jon's team mate, Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE
Katherine once set her garden on fire.
Well, Katherine, might I suggest you don't rub it so hard.
LAUGHTER
Up against them this evening, it's guest team captain,
Richard Ayoade.
APPLAUSE
Richard is pretty awkward,
he's the human equivalent of calling your teacher, "Mummy."
LAUGHTER
He's as awkward as matching with your dad on Tinder.
LAUGHTER
And joining Richard tonight, it's Laura Smyth.
KATHERINE: Yeah! APPLAUSE
Laura spells Smyth with a Y instead of an I.
The standard on this show is normally pretty low,
but we've never had someone on before that can't spell their own name.
Laura, you grew up in the East End.
Do you have any favourite cockney phrases?
Most Cockney phrases mean, "Mind your own business,"
doesn't it, really? I think a lot of my early childhood
thinking I was getting a puppy for the number of times
my dad was going to see a man about a dog.
But, erm, it never materialised.
OK, Richard, now, you've written books,
you've written books for adults and for children. That's right.
Who do you prefer to write for?
Well, I think I'm currently in the promotional cycle for
the children's books, so, why would you say that, Jim?
LAUGHTER
Anyone call you Jim? Does anyone call mejim?
Yeah. Erm, yeah, a lot of people do once.
OK. LAUGHTER
Are you trying to be Cockney, Jim? Oi-oi.
COCKN EY ACCENT: A lot of people try it...once.
Gotta go and see a man about a dog.
If you can talk like that, just talk like that all the time.
It's much better. How dare you?
Erm, Jon. Hello there, friend.
Call him jim, he likes it. Sock it to me, jim.
You're turning 40 soon. How do you feel about it?
I think I'm all right with it.
I'm gonna have a midlife crisis though, cos...
How would that manifest for a man that wears cardigans?
Like, what's your...? What's your...?
Oh. What do you think of that?
He's wild. This is... That watch isn't even set to the right time.
I don't even give a shit. It is and I do, but...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, they've come straight back down.
I know, I got a bit over excited.
I don't wanna risk a graze.
I have got a scab on my elbow which I, erm, I suffered at a...
What happened, Jon?
I was at an indoor trampolining centre. Oh.
You'd love to know what it would be like to be taller, wouldn't you?
Could you make these into shoes?
I liked mid-life crisis Jon, it's exciting.
Thanks, he's starting to piss me off, I'm not gonna lie.
OK. Katherine, what have you been up to since we last saw you?
I've been up to, erm, witnessing
a lot of toxic masculinity since I was last here. Errn, I had a...
Sorry aboutjon. Yeah.
Errn, I spent a lot of my career rallying against toxic masculinity
and just, you know, stereotypical men
and then I married a retired athlete
and then I gave birth to a boy. I'm just like a man factory now.
One in, one out. One in, one out.
Show some respect, Jim.
I'm sorry, I was out of line, mate. It's lucky she's here.
Maybe we should do a cockney special, it's more fun, isn't it?
Oh, listen... Laura, cockneys are having more fun.
I'm from Surrey, this is all bullshit.
Now, erm, Katherine, have you got a mascot?
I've brought something that's hopefully
going to inspire me, inspire us all.
I brought a photo of me,
the last time I was here on Countdown.
Do you notice anything different?
Erm... I was fat as hell.
A lot of us had a difficult pandem, a difficult lock down.
Some of us gained three stone.
And that was a humbling experience for me.
I learned that it's OK, and I've wroten a...
I've learned that it's OK and I've written a poem about it.
You've... You've wroten a poem?
Well, I think we're all looking forward to that, aren't we?
Because you sound like a hell of a rotter.
If a lady can't make a malapropism, what kind of a show is this, mate?
I wrote a poem about my experience
gaining loads of weight in lock down
and how it's made me a better person. Let's hear it.
My doctor said I had to take steroids,
and I thought, "OK." I always wanted to be
a professional baseball player one day.
But what actually happened with the help of some cake,
is I gained three stone of pure fat in
the work-from-home break.
My husband claimed not to notice that all my clothes had gone funny.
In fairness, he does golf a lot and was blinded by my money.
Unable to travel, office too close to the kitchen,
I became this fat prick, which aroused much suspicion.
What has she done to her face? Too much Botox or filler?
She's addicted to surgery, the next eye lift could kill her.
Save your tweets, Linda, your concern for me is fake,
just like my tits.
But honestly, what's in my face is just weight.
But then it struck me, "Hang on, I think big girls look fine."
How can I be body positive if I'm criticising mine?
Remember, if you got fat in lock down,
and you gained two stone or three,
that if it's good enough for Lizzo,
then it's good enough for me. Shake that ass,
don't watch yourself, beauty is from within.
Learning self-acceptance is the only way to win.
And then I got lipo and came back.
Katherine Ryan, everyone. APPLAUSE
Richard, have you got a mascot? Yes, I do.
I have... I find the Countdown music erm, quite stressful...
...because I feel it injects jeopardy when...
At a time when I need it the least. I need calm.
Ancl so that's why I brought, erm, headphones,
and my own portable music playing system,
and during the Countdown, which...
It's really oppressive. It's right there,
it's very stressful. I want the headphones on
and I want music of my choosing.
What music are you going to be playing?
I'm going to have relaxing music, jimmy.
So, I'll be listening to that during game play
and, erm, I think you'll see a huge upswing in
the kind of results I'm producing.
OK. Laura, have you got a mascot? I have. I have.
What have you got?
Holy crow. Whoa.
That's a, erm... A Countdown teapot. Winners' teapot.
What I won off, what I like to call, the real Countdown.
Erm, I'm reliably informed this... Sorry, jon, are you all right?
Yeah, Jon? Yeah, that's right.
I'm sorry.
I'd have to review the footage,
there was some really shit ones early on.
But we'll not talk about that. Well, speaking of reviewing the...
Can we review the footage? Yeah!
You've got footage? Let's... This is...
Genuinely, Laura is a Countdown champion, everyone. Wow.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Margaret. Five.
Yes. And Laura? Errn, six.
OK, hear five, then. Sound.
Sound, hear six.
Gonads. Gonads.
LAUGHTER
Yeah! Yeah.
Sorry. We've got gonads here.
Well clone, Laura.
So, you won the actual, real Countdown?
Won the real Countdown, I got a teapot,
I think I got about 107... 104, that's how many... Wow.
Thanks, Susie. Brilliant.
So, when was this? When was the win?
2004, maybe.
So, Jon's having a panic attack, let's check in with him. Yeah.
All right, Jon? 2004, I think I was out shagging.
Oh. THEY LAUGH
Are you getting 2004 mixed up with never?
I don't want to read into the game,
but Margaret looked like she was upset by something.
I don't know what you said to her in the dressing room,
but, it looked like you freaked Margaret out
and she shit herself, so...
You'll find me a tad harder to intimidate.
Erm, Jon, have you got a mascot? I have got a mascot, jimmy, yes.
What have you got? Yes. You know sometimes you're at
a party or a social gathering and... RICHARD: No.
LAUGHTER
Erm, conversation's flowing,
everyone's having a good time, and you think,
"Fuck this, let's go back to the beginning bit when it was tense,
"nobody knew each other,
"we all had a bit of space and time to think."
What you need isjon Richardson's book of Ice Makers. Whoa!
Tactics and phrases you can use
to put the tension back into a room. Ooh.
The opening prologue here, "Why is the film called Titanic,
"when clearly the iceberg is the star?
"Without the iceberg,
"you'd be watching three hours of people making small talk,
"and someone getting fucked in a car.
"Bring down any house party with my collection of ice makers.
"Chapter One: Get Ahead Of The Game.
"Your first boring comment should be with your attire.
"Things to consider, elbow patches. Not just on a cardigan,
"why not pair a vest with a couple sellotaped
"to your bare elbows?
"Croce." Ancl I haven't written anything else there, that's enough.
Chapter Two is One To One.
"Now you've mastered the more blunt weapons,
"you're ready for some close-up work,
"or slight of mouth. For example, 'Your hair is beautiful.
" 'May I take a clipping for my collection?' " Oh!
Yeah? Like that?
" 'Shall we slip off somewhere a little quieter?
" 'I've photographed every hand drier I've ever used,
" 'and I'd love to talk you through the highlights.' "
Yeah? And then we've got other chapters.
Chapter Five is a favourite of mine, "Ways Of Breathing."
"Chapter Eight: Eye Contact, All Or Nothing."
That'sjon Richardson's Ice Makers
and it's available now, from my hand.
jon Richardson, everyone.
Over in dictionary corner, it's Mat Ewins.
APPLAUSE
Erm, Mat, what have you been up to?
Well, Jimmy, people might not know that as well as doing computers,
I'm also a professional model
and I've just come back from a pretty extensive photo shoot on
a pretty significant advertising campaign.
Got some pictures from the... From the shoot if I can...
Indulge me. Oh, hang on a minute, that's...
It's, sort of, quite grim, actually.
Sorry, let me just skip through this.
Right, let's skip through this, it's quite a grim campaign,
actually, jimmy. just give me a sec. Let me just roll through it, Jimmy,
give me a sec. Yeah. Don't smoke, I think, was the take-home message
of the campaign. But you know,
probably best you come back to me later.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
And with Mat, of course, it's Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
I'm not saying Susie's been on the show for a long time,
but, last year, we found asbestos in her chair.
Susie, you tweet a word of the day, every day.
Have you got one for us tonight?
Errn, yes. I remember you, Laura, and it's a lovely French word,
retrouvailles, which means the joy
of meeting someone after a long time.
I think that's exactly... But, otherwise, there is gigil,
which is from the Philippines, and that is the irresistible urge
to squeeze someone really cute. That's forjon.
And there's jobblyjock, which is... What, sorry?
jobblyjock. Oh, yeah, sometimes.
But then I have a cuddle and try again in five minutes.
Well, it is for you, actually,
cos it's for someone intensely irritating.
Oo-oo-oh!
And in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley.
APPLAUSE
Last year, Rachel Riley appeared on Celebrity Antiques Road Trip
with an old vase.
The experts complained they could see a crack in the bottom.
I told her the dress was too short.
You've done over 3,000 Countdown shows.
Erm, what's the funniest word that's ever come up?
One of the new ones I learned from Susie was, erm, piss a bed.
That's a real word and it's... It's... Pissabed is a...
Pissabed is a real word. And it means?
Pissabed' is an old word for the dandelion,
cos it's a diuretic. Dandelion leaves,
which you can have in tea,
make you pee, so it's called piss a bed.
Well, I mean, if anyone's big into water sports,
I guess, dandelion tea, everyone.
OK, the prize the teams will be competing for tonight is this,
the Countdown Home Decorating Kit.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
OK, let's Countdown, everybody. Time for our first game.
Richard, Laura, you get the first pick of the letters.
Please. We're with a pro here. Thank you.
Can I have a consonant, please, Rachel?
Thank you, Laura. R. And another, please.
M. And another.
C. And another, please.
And a vowel.
And another vowel 0.
And another vowel. A.
And another, please.
U. You're crazy for those vowels.
And, erm, four... Four vowels, five consonants is optimum.
And another consonant, please. SHE LAUGHS
Ancl an optimum D.
I might do my recycling while this is going on.
And for the first time today, here's the Countdown Clock.
HE GRUNTS
MUSIC: 'I Got You Babe' by Sonny & Cher
CROWD CHEER
Oh, Jesus.
Sorry, Susie, I just... Cos it's dog shit.
It's a very good book. Thank you.
I'm very sorry. Have you read it?
What? LAUGHTER
OK, erm, )on, how many'?
Erm, seven.
Ooh. Katherine, how many? Eight.
Ooh! Richard, how many?
Five. OK. Solid five. Nice.
I just really got into the music, actually.
It's been... It's been counter productive.
What were you listening to? What wasn't I listening to?
The Countdown Clock. That's right. Got it in one, Jim.
OK. LAUGHTER
What I like is that I feel like I look like I'm at
the United Nations, but from a fun country.
I know, our contribution to this debate isn't really significant.
Laura, how many? Errn, seven.
Well, Richard, let's hear your five.
Moped...Moped, I moped.
OK, Jon, your seven.
Erm, well, I had cramped.
There is a nine up there but it's only a word in Norfolk,
it's what they erm, do their homework on. A cumpoedar.
Laura, your seven. Errn, compared.
No, that's eight. SHE GASPS
Yes. Oh, fuck.
LAUGHTER
But I said eight, so, I win. Countdown rules, you're wrong.
Urghg
Sorry... Oh.
I'll tell you, I've never seen this side of Katherine Ryan before.
Somewhere at home now Margaret is pissing herself.
Fuck you.
I got eight, jimmy. Mate.
No, she hasn't. She's got nothing.
I was too humble, that's my problem.
I can't believe Katherine Ryan is properly going, "She's got nothing."
We've got... We've got mo-ped. And he pronounced it moped.
That's what we've got.
The reason it's called a moped
is cos you're sad you've not got a motorbike.
It's a moped.
And, Katherine, what is your eight-letter word? Pray tell.
My eight letter word is compared. And now what are you going to do?
It's eight points to you. Yeah?
Oh, my God.
It's the lights, it's the bright lights.
It's Susie remembering me.
Everything got to me, that's what happened.
Oh, did they not have lights in 2004?
Mat, Susie, could they have clone any better?
There was another eight, com padre. But, no, nothing better than eight.
Ah. On to our first numbers round.
OK.jon, Katherine, you get to pick the numbers.
I'm tempted to say we should pick four big ones,
then there's less chance of us getting an eight
and Laura thinking it's a seven.
KATHERINE: Oh!
Pick six little ones. This has spurred me on, this has.
This is the worst thing that could have happened to you.
Do you want six little?
Don't care, do what you like.
Am I the least nerdy person here? Yes.
Is that what's happening?
Whatever. I don't even care about this.
Shut up, sir, I'm not listening.
You're well... Let him. Go on, pick your numbers, mate.
We'll have six little, why not? RACHEL: Six little ones.
Are you doing six little, really? Six little, mate, little ones count.
Why is everything about size?
You can still do it with the little ones, can't you, Rachel?
Yeah, it's what you do with them, Jon. Right.
We've got nine... That's a big one! Wow.
Another nine. Oh, wow, wow.
Four, six, three and seven. Ancl the target...
295.
I don't know how to do this.
OK. And your time starts...now.
MUSIC: 'Footloose' by Kenny Loggins
OK. Jon, did you get it?
No, I got two hundred...
Oh, maybe I did. Yeah, I did.
Yeah. OK. No, you didn't!
Richard? What?
Did you get it? I didn't do it, sir.
Why would I bother?
Because it's so lame.
Well, Richard, it's your own time you're wasting. Laura?
I can waste yours, Jim.
No, I think I got 285, but I'm not convinced that I got that.
And Katherine? I would need a lot more time.
OK, Jon, How did you get it? Talk us through it.
Well, I don't know if I did, but we'll find out live...
on Channel four. Six times four. What a rush.
Six times four. 24.
Oh, no, I think I've fucked it. Nine plus three.
ls 12?
Yeah. What if you times them together?
What do you think that is? 288.
It is 288. OK. That's good, Jon. Look at her face.
Ancl then add the seven. Yay.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow.
Why do people waste their lives writing drama?
Oh, it feels like there's a little bit
of trouble in paradise over there. No, no. He's cool.
How dare you call this paradise?
It's ten points tojon Richardson. Wow.
What is this, mate? Yeah.
Jon! I cannot do the math. It's fine.
It's fine.
Is it fine, though? Jim, it's fine.
Jim, back it off. Yeah. Back it off!
Back it off, Jim. A phrase no-one's ever used.
Back it... I'm not reversing a van. Mate.
I like the new cool Richard Ayoade, by the way. I like it.
Whatevs.
You're gonna need to take the cravat off to fully commit to that.
So, Richard and Laura have no points, jon and Katherine have 18 points.
Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.
And here is your teaser.
The words are, "Own girth"
and the clue is, "You might need two hands."
That's, "Own girth," "You might need two hands."
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were, "Own girth,"
the clue was, "You night need two hands."
It was of course, throwing.
Time for our next letters game. Jon, Katherine, your turn to choose.
Two consonants Rachel and then a vowel.
And then I'll see how I feel.
Two more consonants and a vowel.
And a vowel, please.
O. And another consonant.
Vowel. A vowel, E.
Jon, you're pretty good at Countdown, right? Yeah.
Could you do it...? Could you do anagrams while dancing?
Well, I mean... When was the last time we went out dancing?
Oh, my God. Come on, let's dance, come on.
Come on. Come on, let's... Come on.
Oh, we never hold hands when we dance.
Come on. We never do. Now, do you wanna stretch first?
Yeah. just get yourself...
I've stretched the bits you use.
All right, OK. And your time starts now.
MUSIC: 'Starstruck' by Years 81 Years
# All night Don't need your cash
# I got my own to spend it on ya if I like
# If you wanna dance, baby Let's dance
# We can dream until the sun
# I can't help it I get starstruck around you
# What can I do, baby?
# I can't help it I get starstruck around you
# What can I do, baby? #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, yeah. Good. It was good, it was like the old days.
Yeah. I think you messed up one of the moves.
Yeah. just a little bit, you've gotta be slightly more... Yeah.
Phwoar. It's fine, though. Do you know what?
When you dance, it looks like you
haven't got a bald patch, but then, erm...
It's just... It's weird. It's the weirdest thing,
when you were dancing, I was thinking,
"God, hasn't he got a thick head of hair?"
But then, now, when I look at it, there's a big bald patch.
Katherine, how many? Seven.
Seven. Erm, Laura, how many? Eight.
Err, Richard how many? Seven.
OK, Jon, how many? Eight.
Eight with a lovely dance. Wow.
My seven definitely isn't a word.
OK, what's...? What is...? What is your seven?
Sometimes, you could go out goating.
Erm...
Is it, like, East End goating, like? That's right.
There's no... It's got an E on the end, it's goatine. Oh, Goatine.
LAUGHTER
Ancl, actually, you can you can put a D on that and just go,
"You've been goatined, mate."
"You've been in that field all night, it's been rough,
"you're goatined, mate." Is that in it?
No. Oh, shut up.
Katherine, your seven? Stained.
Jon, your eight. Sedating.
Oh. Very good.
Oh, it's a good word. Laura, what have you got?
Diagnose. Wow.
Diagnose. Diagnose. OK, well, eight points to both teams.
Mat, could they have done any better?
Nothing better than eight. OK, at the end of that round,
Richard and Laura have eight points.
jon and Katherine are in the lead with 26.
Bullshit.
OK, onto our next numbers round. Erm, Richard,
Laura, your turn to pick the numbers.
Shall we go two from the top?
This... I've lost my bottle. Two from the top, please,
and any other four.
What's behind the word bottle there, now. In cockney rhyming...
I've lost my bottle? Oh, bottle and glass, arse.
Ooh. I've lost my arse.
Yeah. Why would you lose your arse?
Well, cos everything falls through, I guess.
I genuinely found out an interesting derivation the other day.
I found out the derivation of, erm, blow job.
Ooh. Oh.
I didn't realise it's below job from World War One. What?
It was a below job. The American Gls.
How did you find that out, jimmy? Where were you?
I like books about derivation, but, erm, just not boring ones.
Only ones about... Only ones about cocks.
Why do they call it getting sucked off?
Come on, boring maths.
From blowjobs to numbers. Seamless.
Right, one. See, nobody wants to play anymore.
Nine. Let's hope for a six, come on, guys.
Two, fucking hell. 75 and 50.
What? Oh.
OK. And the target, 828.
OK, and your time starts now.
OK, so the target was 828. Katherine, did you get it?
I've 823 which is really good for me.
Er, jon, did you get it? No, I got 827.
827, OK. Richard did you get it? I got 827.
Laura, did you get it? 827.
Laura, how did you get 827? Oh, but hang on,
can't I prove once that I might have got... Oh, yeah, let...
...almost close. Yeah, go on.
Nine plus two. Yes.
11 times 75. 825.
Add the two ones. Lovely, one away.
That's right.
I think I might have got it, post event.
Tell us anyway. I'll give it to you if you've got it.
50 times 9. 50 times 9, 450.
Add one. Add one.
Times two. Yeah, 451 times 2, 902.
Minus 75. Yep.
And then add the one.
KATH ERIN E: WOW.
Ten points to Laura.
just so I know how seriously to take the rest of the game,
we're giving her that, are we? Yes.
LAUGHTER AND GROANING
just so I know whether to mentally checkout, or not.
Oh, stop. I don't mind if we've come here for fun,
but I was under the impression we come here for
a game of Countdown. So, just...
Oh. I think... I don't mind which one it is.
No, I think the little boy's gonna cry.
Yeah, no, it's fine. It's just if it's not real Countdown,
I don't need a fucking pen, do I?
Ancl by the way, mentally checkout? Get your own act.
I came here to mentally checkout. I haven't really checked out.
I only threw my pen cause I knew I had a back-up. I'm still here.
OK, so, Richard and Laura have 18,
Jon and Katherine still in the lead with 26.
Time to go across to Dictionary Corner.
Mat, what have you got for us? Well, Jimmy,
I've been getting a lot of online abuse recently.
I would like to take this opportunity to ask people
to just stop. It's a nightmare,
like, I'm not on social media, but if you just like,
type my name onto, you know, online,
it's just horrible stuff. If you type in Mat Ewins,
it comes up, do you mean Twat Ewins? Like, the related searches, jimmy.
I don't want people to be looking for it to get that
to come up. It's a nightmare. Ancl the worst thing is,
you see on the images, it's just thumbnails
of this one viral video where I forgot to lock
the toilet door on a train, right.
That's my online presence, Jimmy, it's a nightmare.
It's been following me around for years.
So, I'm trying to get better, you know,
I'm trying to exercise,
but I don't want people to see my odd arms
and my odd legs. How do I exercise without looking like a fool?
Well, I've worked it out, right, how to exercise without,
you know, getting into your shorts, or what not.
What I do is I go to a train station wearing a full suit
and then for an hour and a half pretend I'm late for my train.
Yeah? just run around going, "What platform is it?"
"|t's gotta be... It's gotta be number four."
Yeah, do that for 90 minutes
get in a pretty good cardio work out.
I'm getting into a lot of sport recently.
I've been doing, erm, boxing.
Well, I'm a bit of a boxer
and I'm not like these professional wimps, you know,
with their big, erm... You know, with their gum shields,
I've got one of those dentist guards,
so, I've got my teeth more out, if anything.
Bring it on, bring it on, I ain't scared of ya.
I'll fight ya. I'm, erm, yeah,
into a lot of extreme... Extreme sports.
I've been doing, erm, park our. You know, free running.
I'm not great at it, I'll be the first to admit,
but I'm getting better all the time.
I'm really improving on that.
Mat Ewins, everyone. And here is your teaser.
The words are, "Tape arse." The clue is, "They're moved apart."
That's, "Tape arse," "They're moving apart."
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
Welcome back, the answer to the teaser,
the words were, "Tape arse," the clue was, "They're moving apart."
It was, of course, separate. OK, this letters game is big,
it's time for the real-life Countdown winner Laura Smyth
to go head-to-head with our very own Countdown resident genius,
jon Richardson.
That's right, everyone, it's Battle Of The Super Nerds. Wow.
In this round,jon and Laura will be using 18 letters.
CROWD: Ooh.
Correct. We're playing for double points,
so, there's a possible 36 points up for grabs.
So, nerds, do you think you can get an 18-letter word?
I don't think there are any 18-letter words.
No, I've never even heard of such a thing.
Erm, Susie, are there any 18-letter words?
Yeah, quite a lot. Counterintuitively...
...hyperconsciousness, erm... Hang on, let me write them down.
Jon, have you got any trash talk for former champion Laura?
No, I don't think I need to.
I think her own demons will, erm, take their toll.
A quick question for you though, did you want me
to say what I've gojt within 30 seconds,
or can we fuck around for five minutes afterwards ancl then I'll...
Ooh.
Ooh. Laura, do you have anything to say to rat boy, jon Richardson?
Rat boy. I don't think you're good at Countdown.
CROWD: Ooh.
Oh, my God. Laura, if you pick the first nine letters
and then, jon, you pick the second nine
and then you'll have 18 letters to play with.
36 points on offer. OK, let's go.
Consonant, please. Consonant, I.
And another, please. Y.
Cos I want one.
I'm sorry. It's a classic bit of Countdown humour.
Classic, a classic.
And a vowel, please.
And another one, please.
And another, please.
And a consonant, please.
And a vowel.
And a consonant.
And a consonant, please.
OK, Jon. Another vowel, please.
And another consonant, phase.
This is madness. Ooh.
Ancl another vowel, please. This is madness.
It's crazy. Ooh.
A vowel, please.
A consonant, please.
H. Consonant, please.
And another consonant.
And another vowel.
Ancl that's your last one. I.
For the battle of the super nerds...
DRAMATIC FLOURISH
...here's the Countdown Clock.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
I prefer this actually. It's nice. It's chill.
It's like Hans Zimmer did a remix.
You need to get some more low brass in.
It's very nice.
That went quick. Well, when you're having as much as that.
Jon, 36 points up for grabs, how many?
I think I've got a nine.
That's not more than we would usually have.
So, let me see... Nine is still... Nine's still impressive.
OK, Laura, how many?
I think I've got a ten.
KATHERINE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Yes. OK, jon, your disappointing nine.
Slaughter. OK, Laura.
Unearthing. Oh, yes.
Oh. That's amazing, well clone.
20 points to Laura. That's right.
Ooh. Whoa, whoa.
OK, and can I ask, Mat, Susie, could they have done any better?
There were a couple of 12s, nauseatingly,
neutralising and a 13, inaugurations. Whoa.
Wow. Wow. Great.
It's all too much for you, is it? Yeah. I only go up to nine.
We'll take their word for it. Yeah, there we go.
So, at the end of that, Richard and Laura are in
the lead with 38 points. Yes.
Sad that you could have got double there.
OK, onto the next numbers round. Richard, Katherine,
you're going head-to-head in The Battle Of
The Super Nerd And Katherine Ryan.
DRAMATIC FLOURISH
Katherine would you like to get inside Richard's head?
Richard. Yes, Katherine.
You will lose this mathematics round. I agree.
You look like a live-action Scooby-Doo character.
How dare you suggest I'm live action.
I would actually love a Richard Scooby-Doo.
Can you imagine how good that would be, how funny that would be?
Yeah. They do celeb cameos now, don't they?
Yeah. Scooby doing Guess Who.
Look... Ricky Gervais has clone one.
I've come here to get work.
Wow. It would be them and you.
So, it'd be Shaggy saying to you...
AS SHAGGY: "Like, Richard." Ancl then you'd go...
That was pretty good. RICHARD IMPERSONATES SCOOBY-DOO
OK. Katherine, pick the numbers.
Two big and the rest small please, Rachel. Classic.
Two big ones, four little ones coming up.
Two, four, seven, eight, 50 and 100.
Ancl 584. No!
Time for Battle Of The Super Nerd And Katherine Ryan...
DRAMATIC FLOURISH
...here's the Countdown Clock.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
Did you get it, Katherine? I think so.
Richard, did you get it? No.
OK, Katherine, how do you think you got it?
OK, Rachel. Mm-hmm.
100 plus 50 is 150. Yes, you have got it!
What? She's got it.
B-B-But how do you know this early?
Because you know, Look, watch this. That, I need these. Yeah, so...
Ancl then I'm gonna go... And then you're gonna times it by four.
600. OK, and then, separately...
Yeah. Eight times two is 16.
See, she's got it.
And then you minus that from 600 and I've got it.
Katherine Ryan, everyone. Katherine Ryan.
Ten points to Katherine Ryan.
Yes!
In my defence, I got nowhere near. OK.
I did get 585 and I didn't put my headphones on
and I received a torrent of abuse before.
I don't know what we should do on international policy.
I don't know.
Are you moonlighting at the UN again?
Oui.
OK, the scores at the moment, jon and Katherine have 36 points.
Richard and Laura are in the lead with 38.
Oh, 38! We are so close.
It's all so juicy.
OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner once again.
Mat, what have you got for us?
Well, Jimmy, I've spent the last few years trying
to make computer games
and I'm desperately trying to get a publisher.
I mean, a couple of years ago, I made, erm,
this brilliant game, Mat Ewins, Now That's Soccer 2020,
and the publishers weren't happy with it,
they weren't happy with the animations.
They said they weren't realistic. I mean, look at that,
look at that guy, he's so excited for scoring a goal.
What a great celebration. He does a little football jog.
You can't say that guy isn't crazy about football, yeah?
He's having a whale of a time.
He couldn't be more crazy about football,
he's obsessed with it.
You know, I enjoy sport but it's sometimes hard
to fit that into your day-to-day life,
because there's better things to do, like, you know,
go to the pub.
So, I was like, "How can I try and make sport and pub,
"you know, be combined?" Ancl cos I'm an innovator,
that's what I've clone. I've created a computer game called Pub Golf
which I'd like to invitejon and Katherine to play,
where we can have a lovely game of golf out on the links,
but, at the same time, have a nice time in the pub.
So, if you could get your controllers out, please. Yes.
So, basically what I've clone, Jimmy, is I've connected flow sensors
to those tubes. So, the more that you drink your pints,
the faster your avatars on the screen play
a lovely game of golf.
So, we've got a little Jon Richardson there,
out there playing a game of golf. Wow.
Ancl a little Katherine Ryan there. So, you start on the left-hand side.
The person who sucks the fastest is the winner.
Katherine Ryan you're feeling confident on this, right.
Yes, I've been tricked in pubs with this game before,
but not this time. Not this time.
Not this time. I've checked and they are actual straws.
Get ready, go. OK.
Right, you need to go left as quick as you can,
suck as much as you can on the left one.
Don't let us down. Oh, hang on a minute.
Oh, no, that looks promising. Yeah, I've fucked it.
Are there any lights on those controllers?
I'll be honest with you, Jimmy,
this has taken a fucking week of my life, right?
What's happening? Wait a minute. Should that be plugged in?
Not again!
The good news is that my phone is charging, though.
Sorry, Jimmy, we'd better leave it there.
Now, one of the games I'm very proud of is Clumso.
You know, a lot of games are...
You know, you've gotta have quite good dexterity.
I don't have that, I make a lot of mistakes
and I've got quite bad hand-to-eye coordination.
So, I've got Clumso, yeah, zero fear,
zero hands-to-eye coordination.
It's the it's the spy with very bad spacial awareness.
Let's see if I can do it. Right, let me just reload that,
Oh, hang on a minute. Get in there, come on,
come on, Clumso, come on, go on, get that gun reloaded mate, go on.
We're getting shot at here, mate. Turn around.
Come on. Well, boy... Oh, no, game over.
Right, that's Clumso.
I'm worried about making stuff that's too violent.
So, I wanted to make, like, a sort of game about peace,
about discovery and I... Susie, you inspired me.
Oh, thank you. And I've made this game for you.
It's called Susie Dent: Tome Reader, right?
Ancl it plays you on the on a journey to try
and find a very old book.
So, that's the controller there for you. OK.
And, basically, you're in this very old antique shop
and the shopkeeper has got an old book for you.
So, you just navigate round this precious vase shop
and go and talk to him using the controller. So... That's it.
Ooh. Susie, this is an old antiques shop.
You're gonna annoy this guy.
Now, go round. just round the corner.
Susie, you've gotta angle it round, angle it round. OK.
That's it. Sideways, that's it. Up there.
Up round the corner, Susie.
Susie, well, you've smashed his shop to pieces. Right, now...
Stand, stand, stand still in front of the counter, Susie.
Stand still in front of the counter.
Come a little bit further down. That's it, that's it.
That's it. Stay at the front. Now, ask him about the...
Bloody hell, Susie. Give it to me!
You've shot that guy's son. Fucking hellfire.
Mat Ewins, everyone. APPLAUSE
And here's your final teaser.
The words are, "Achy lips," the clue is, "No time for talking."
That's, "Achy lips," "No time for talking."
See you after the break. APPLAUSE
Welcome back. The answer to the teaser,
the words were, "Achy Lips,"
the clue was, "No time for talking." It was, of course, physical.
OK, time for our final letters game.
jon and Katherine, your turn to choose.
Consonant, please, Rachel.
It's a Q, Jon. Q, you've ruined it already.
Is that bad? Vowel.
Ah.
Consonant, please.
D. Another vowel, please.
Erm, consonant, please.
Another vowel, please.
Oh, no. Consonant, please.
And another consonant, phase.
R. Let's have another crack at that U, shall we?
Come on.
I'm gonna fill in an application form
to be on Love Island, cos that's a proper show,
I'm bored of this. Erm, your 30 seconds starts now.
Katherine, would you go on Love Island?
I would absolutely go on Love Island.
It's one of my favourite shows
and I feel like there's a gap in the market
for women who've lived lives, been divorced. They be fucking.
Jon, would you go on Love Island?
I don't need to, jimmy. If I want to be on
an island full of single women who don't wanna have sex with me...
..| already am.
Katherine, how many?
I have a risky seven,
but I don't think it's a word, so, six.
OK, all right. And, jon, how many?
I've got a risky seven, so I'll go for it.
OK. Erm, Richard, how many?
Six. OK, Laura?
I've got a seven. Katherine, your six.
Reload.
Richard, your six.
Loader.
Jon? Lagered.
Lagered?
Yeah. As in, "We got lagered?"
it just there as a noun, I'm afraid. Sorry.
Laura, your seven.
Regaled. Yes.
Oh!
Regaled, oh. A, "yes," from Dictionary Corner.
APPLAUSE Yes.
I'm gonna get lagered up tonight. Trust me.
How many pints you gonna have, seven or eight? Ooh.
OK, could they have done any better? BOTH: No.
Seven was the best.
OK, sojon and Katherine have 36 points,
Richard and Laura have 45, they're in the lead.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is exhilarating.
OK, this is a crucial Countdown Conundrum.
Oh, my God. It means whoever gets this, wins.
OK. It's all on this.
I'll tell you what a conundrum is,
do I surrender the round and surrender the game,
or do I look down at my monitor at the angle I need to to see it
and expose my bald spot?
It's so weird though,
when you were dancing earlier, I could have sworn... I know.
...it was a full head of hair. I know, but we don't live in a world
where you cannot have hair and then have hair again.
Right, let's do this.
So, time for today's crucial Countdown conundrum.
Eyes down, we're doing this. Your time starts now.
Oh. Yep, Katherine. Katherine. Katherine.
Impounded. That is the right answer.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, that means the final scores are Richard and Laura
have a commendable 45 points.
But the winners, jon and Katherine, have 46 points.
Congratulations. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You are the proud owner of this, the Countdown home decorating kit.
Whoa. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks to all our panel lists, our wonderful studio audience
and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us, good night.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media