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This program me contains strong
language and adult humour
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Tonight on Eight Out
Of Ten Cats Does Countdown...
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...Alan Carr, Sarah Millican...
APPLAUSE
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...Gary Delaney...
APPLAUSE
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...Mun ya Chawawa, Don Rodolfo...
APPLAUSE
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...Susie Dent...
APPLAUSE
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...Rachel Riley...
APPLAUSE
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...and your host, jimmy Carr.
APPLAUSE
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Hello, and welcome to Eight Out
Of Ten Cats Does Countdown,
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a show about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
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On this show,
what you see is what you get
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and what you see is five
thick comedians,
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a talking dictionary
and a calculator in a dress.
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OK, let's meet tonight's players.
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First up, it's team captain
Alan Carr.
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APPLAUSE
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At school, Alan says he was a chubby,
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shy, goofy, gay guy who wore glasses.
But looking at him now...
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...it's hard to believe
he used to be shy.
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And Alan's teammate, Mun ya Chawawa.
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APPLAUSE
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Mun ya once spent £200
on having a barber come
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to his house to cut his hair.
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You got ripped off there, mate,
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I don't pay that much
and I send my hair to them.
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Up against them this evening,
it's team captain Sarah Millican.
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APPLAUSE
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Sarah does a lot of work
for charity and, in fact,
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she's married to her teammate,
Gary Delaney. What? What?
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I'm the charity case,
says Lego Head.
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And on Sarah's team,
an award winning, multi-talented
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and universally-loved comedian's
husband, Gary Delaney.
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Wow!
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Like Brangelina,
Gary and Sarah are a power couple,
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so powerful, in fact, that they're
now known by just one name...
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...Sarah Millican.
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Alan, since you were last on
the show, you have, erm,
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written and starred in a sitcom.
How was the experience?
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Yeah, it's a sitcom called
Changing Ends,
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it's based on my life.
Me growing up.
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So, we had to audition for
a young Alan.
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So, we got over 500 tapes
of young Alans.
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Some of them were so sweet,
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some of them were
just downright offensive.
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I don't wanna see a child in
a fat suit,
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I'm just saying.
"Hello, I'm Alan Carr!" 500 times.
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It was like being back in
the playground.
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Honestly. And, yeah,
and all my family.
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So, I've been casting
for my family and, erm,
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my mum was... It was quite hard
for my mum,
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because she's got quite broad
shoulders and, erm,
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Hulk Hogan pulled out last minute...
LAUGHTER
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...and it's a shame cause
his Tash was spot on.
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LAUGHTER
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And it's been recommissioned for
a second series, which is wonderful.
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Ah, congratulations.
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So, I think it's gonna be, like,
Northampton's answer to
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the Crown and...
LAUGHTER
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And I don't know who's gonna play
me in the future,
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but the way my hairline's going,
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I think Greg Wallace is on
a light pencil.
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LAUGHTER
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Alan, talk us through the look this
evening. What are you wearing?
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I'm not realising that I'm,
sort of, getting old.
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SOMEONE WOLF WHISTLES
No.
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I look like... I look like
a gay darts player.
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I know. You know...
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You know, you don't...
You don't realise,
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"On the oche, Alan Carr. Oh, 180."
I think it works.
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Can I get away with it?
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Yeah, we're like
an interracialjedward.
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LAUGHTER
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OK, erm, Mun ya, what's....?
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Like, what's the most uncool thing
you've ever done?
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The most uncool thing
I've ever clone,
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erm, the first time I ever sent
a sext...
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...it was from my grandad's phone.
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Well, did Nanna like it?
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OK, so, it's summer holidays,
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I was staying at
my grandparents' house.
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Right. And my girlfriend at the time
wanted to sext,
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which I agreed to,
but I don't have any credit.
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But I knew my granddad had
an emergency Nokia 3310 in
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the kitchen drawer.
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So, I took my grandad's Nokia,
cos I knew it had £10 on.
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So, I've got the phone,
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you know, I'm flirting the best
a teenager can.
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I'm like, "How are you?"
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Ancl then texts stop sending.
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So, now, I can't text my girlfriend
to stop sexting my grandad's phone.
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So, I've got three options,
number one, destroy the phone.
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I can't, it's a Nokia, right?
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No matter how many times
you try and destroy it,
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it will come back to life.
It's like that insect,
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erm, Piers Morgan.
LAUGHTER
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I can't hide it, cos even on silent,
it's like an industrial vibrator.
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So, in the end,
I just had to wait for it to die
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and, thankfully, one clay he did.
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CROWD GROAN
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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
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Now, Sarah, you're here with
your real-life partner, Gary.
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How do you keep things spicy
in your relationship?
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We've got Munya's Grandad's Nokia.
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Yeah, industrial vibrator,
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that's what I heard when you were
talking about it.
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Three words for you, Jimmy,
topless curry nights.
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Cannot recommend it enough,
cannot recommend it enough.
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So, talk me through
topless curry night.
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So, I just got really sick
of cleaning stains...
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LAUGHTER
Erm, settle down.
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You know, like,
the yellow stains out of t-shirts.
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So, we take our tops off,
we eat our curry.
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Now, you'd think after that,
cos you're semi-naked,
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that that would lead on to, sort of,
a fruity evening and it doesn't.
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We just put our tops back on
and watch the telly.
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You can't have... You can't
have curry on date night,
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cos there's repercussions later.
It's really, really bad planning.
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Oh, yeah. We did it once
and we never did it again.
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Harrowing for all concerned.
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I didn't use to have to
wear glasses.
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LAUGHTER
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Gary, tell us something about
Sarah we might not know.
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Erm, I think one may not know this,
but Sarah's my trophy wife...
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...cos her ears stick out
and she's got
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the previous winner's names
tattooed down her back.
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Oh, give him that!
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I wouldn't say she's embarrassed
about me,
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but at our wedding I was only
invited to the evening do.
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Sarah, have you got
a mascot this evening,
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what did you bring for good luck?
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So, I get very stressed
in this show,
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cos I'm generally
not very good at it
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and I thought,
"You know what would be nice
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"is to have a way of giving myself
a slightly different surroundings."
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Erm, Fabio,
if you could bring it out, please.
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What I've got is
a portable scenery changer.
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It's gonna pop behind me.
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So, for example,
if I'm getting a bit stressed,
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it's my home town,
South Shields and it's the beach.
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I had sex there.
Erm, about there once, erm...
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Well, they've put up
a monument to it.
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There. I had sex there.
It wasn't with you. Sorry.
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I was gonna say, yeah,
I've never been to that beach.
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Erm, so, that calms me down.
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Erm, and another place that
I feel really at home, erm...
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Second one, please,
thank you, lovely.
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...is, erm...
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...Greggs.
LAUGHTER
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I've not had sex in there,
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but, you know, there's time still.
LAUGHTER
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Next one, please. This is for when
I'm concentrating, erm,
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just so that you know
that I'm concen...
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LAUGHTER
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If I get really stressed,
this next one,
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I think this knocks
everybody out, really,
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it's spa pebbles.
Who doesn't love a spa pebble?
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it just makes me feel like
I need a wee, this,
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cos there's always tinkling water
at the same time.
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Ancl then if I get too relaxed,
the last one, please.
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Thanks, Fabio, erm,
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which is the set of
the show we're on.
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Sarah's scene changer. Fantastic.
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Thank you very much, Fabio.
Thanks, love.
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Very good. Erm, thanks, Fabio.
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Mun ya, have you got
a mascot with you?
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I have indeed,jimbob.
This is Munya's Helping Hand.
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Each fingernail comes with
a different device
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to help me win the game.
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So, we'll start with
the snack finger, OK.
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Ancl this is a chocolate finger
filled with chocolate fingers, OK?
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SARAH: Wow.
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Next up, we have the attack finger.
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It can incapacitate with
a single squirt,
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which is also jimmy's Tinder Bio.
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Up next, we have
a pair of binoculars that I can use
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to spy on their answers.
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Also, it's probably the closest
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we'll get to
a Black James Bond, so...
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Finally, The Barack Finger.
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So, this is one
of Barack Obama's fingers.
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Can I borrow that?
Yeah, sure.
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Ancl that's my Helping Hand.
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Munya's Helping Hand.
APPLAUSE
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Erm, Gary, have you got a mascot?
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Yes, I have.
I'm coming to the end of a tour,
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so, I've got to write another one
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and writing jokes is hard, man,
it takes ages.
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Erm, so I thought I'd use
a bit of technology.
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So, I've got for you here
the, erm, jokeatron 3,000.
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Ancl it will spew up set ups
and punchlines as needed.
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So, erm, we'll give this
a little go. So, erm...
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You know, you can see the, erm...
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The technology, the magic there.
Right.
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Oh, yeah, take that, Chat GPT.
Yeah, exactly.
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We'll have a set up
and we'll have a punch.
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Rabbi, a priest and a vicar
go into a pub...
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...but he was on D wing,
so now it looks like an air sock.
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00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:10,415
I was in Greggs, I said,
"|'d like an apple tart."
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00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:11,735
She said, "Here's your apple,
you prick."
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A time saving device,
the jokeatron 3,000.
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Thejokeatron 3,000. Erm...
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Alan, have you have you brought
a mascot with you?
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00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,015
Well, sort of jimmy and I'm a...
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I feel a bit of an idiot, really,
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because I'm ashamed
to say I've starting vaping.
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Oh, no.
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Does anyone vape in here?
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CROWD IS SILENT
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Great, thank you for the support.
Clearly, half of these are on crack.
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LAUGHTER
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You can't vape in restaurants,
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00:10:45,200 --> 00:10:48,015
you can't vape on a plane
and everything.
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00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:51,695
So, I've come up with
a way of vaping
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00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:54,015
and doing it in plain sight.
Clever.
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00:10:54,040 --> 00:10:55,295
So, I'm really proud of it.
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You see!
217
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And the really clever thing is...
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...you can put your three
favourite things in here,
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00:11:07,920 --> 00:11:11,135
like my flavours, Scampi Fries...
LAUGHTER
220
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:14,895
...Parma Violets...
LAUGHTER
221
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:19,255
...and my favourite, bin juice.
LAUGHTER
222
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:21,495
Does anyone know I'm vaping? No.
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00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:30,135
'SCOTLAND THE BRAVE' PLAYS
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He moves so gracefully.
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MUSIC CONTINUES
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I'm vaping, I'm vaping.
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00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,055
So...
APPLAUSE
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No, I10, no!
229
00:11:46,520 --> 00:11:51,415
No. I'm on a plane, I wanna vape.
230
00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,775
You can't vape on a plane, can you?
231
00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,255
So, you nip to the toilet.
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Everyone thinks I'm having
a mid-air dump.
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00:12:03,680 --> 00:12:04,895
No, I'm vaping.
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00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:08,975
SILENCE
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00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:13,775
OK, erm...
HE LAUGHS
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SILENCE
No? You're not playing it?
237
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,655
OK, fine. Am I having a vape?
238
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,655
What the fuck?
239
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,295
Right, OK.
240
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:35,855
No-one knows.
241
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:42,135
Our little secret.
HE COUGHS
242
00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:43,415
HE COUGHS
243
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:46,615
LAUGHTER
244
00:12:51,160 --> 00:12:55,095
APPLAUSE
245
00:12:55,120 --> 00:12:58,735
You areshole. There you go,
my little vape.
246
00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,575
You should get a job on Ryanair,
you're really shitty.
247
00:13:04,440 --> 00:13:05,415
Thank you, everyone!
248
00:13:09,600 --> 00:13:12,735
Well, over in Dictionary Corner
it's, erm, Don Rodolfo.
249
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,055
Now, Don Rodolfo,
it's your first time on the show.
250
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,495
Could you tell us
a little bit about yourself?
251
00:13:21,520 --> 00:13:23,455
I'm Don Rodolfo,
252
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,935
the greatest swordsman in
the world,
253
00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:28,815
all-round cool guy,
famous adventurer and total hussy.
254
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,335
No? God, what are they teaching you
in schools?
255
00:13:32,360 --> 00:13:34,615
What, you don't have books? Mm?
256
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,615
You don't have heard of news?
257
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:41,095
Right, allow me to introduce myself.
I am Don Rodolfo Martini Toyota...
258
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:44,695
...but I have gone by many names.
259
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:48,135
You may know me as El Bastardo,
The Widow Maker,
260
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,575
The Widow Lover, The Widow Licker.
261
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,575
I bathe in the blood of my enemies
262
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:55,855
and showered in
the piss of my friends.
263
00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,415
I've laughed in the face of death,
"Hur-r-r-gh!"
264
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,535
Ancl been asked to leave
a lot of funerals.
265
00:14:04,920 --> 00:14:08,575
I both have and am
a world-class bell end.
266
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:13,855
OK, and you know how the game works?
267
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,815
I know how to milk an otter
and make cheese from its lactate.
268
00:14:19,000 --> 00:14:20,295
I know when a dog is a virgin.
269
00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,575
I know how to make
really nice rice.
270
00:14:25,720 --> 00:14:27,375
I think I can figure out
your little game.
271
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,375
And with Don Rodolfo, of course,
it's Susie Dent.
272
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,855
APPLAUSE
273
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,735
Susie Dent's books come in hardback,
274
00:14:38,760 --> 00:14:40,655
paperback and, "No, you can't have
your money back."
275
00:14:43,280 --> 00:14:45,255
What have you been
researching recently?
276
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,255
I have been looking at, erm,
277
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,575
you know those things that really
get on people's nerves
278
00:14:49,600 --> 00:14:51,335
like, "Like," as a filler.
279
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:53,695
Love Islanders always get
such stick for this.
280
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:58,055
Apparently, there was one episode in
which one person said, "like,"
281
00:14:58,080 --> 00:15:00,895
40 times within one minute. And so,
282
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:02,535
I looked it up in
the Oxford English Dictionary
283
00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:06,895
and the first use of like as
a filler was 1778.
284
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,535
But, better still,
285
00:15:08,560 --> 00:15:10,375
it was in a book written by
somebody called
286
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:14,015
Fanny Burnie which is exactly what
you get if you're on
287
00:15:14,040 --> 00:15:18,495
Love Island. So, I thought
it was perfect...symmetry.
288
00:15:18,520 --> 00:15:20,775
Susie Dent.
APPLAUSE
289
00:15:21,880 --> 00:15:24,175
And in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley.
290
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,935
APPLAUSE
291
00:15:29,120 --> 00:15:31,455
Rachel you recently met the King,
how was that?
292
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,935
Yeah, I got my MBE from
King Charles.
293
00:15:33,960 --> 00:15:35,335
I can't retain any information
294
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:36,975
for more than about three seconds
since I had kids.
295
00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:38,495
So, they tell you what
to do about, you know,
296
00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:39,775
when to shake their hand,
when to courtesy.
297
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:41,815
And then it came to
the point where he pins
298
00:15:41,840 --> 00:15:43,575
the medal on you
and you shake your hand
299
00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:44,855
and then you have to leave,
300
00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:47,455
but you have to courtesy
and then go a certain way.
301
00:15:47,480 --> 00:15:48,815
So, I was shaking the hand
302
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,135
and I just panic-courtesied
and ran,
303
00:15:51,160 --> 00:15:52,655
just straight out the door.
304
00:15:52,680 --> 00:15:54,175
Did you understand what he says?
305
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,495
Cos he sounds like
a leaf blower, doesn't he?
306
00:15:56,520 --> 00:16:01,135
HE IMITATES LEAF BLOWER HUMMING
307
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,495
How did it feel shaking his hand?
308
00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:04,055
I can't remember.
Let me guess.
309
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:14,775
OK, the prize the teams will
be competing for tonight is this,
310
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:17,855
the Countdown Practice Milking set.
311
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:18,855
Oh, God.
Oh, God.
312
00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:19,855
Oh, my God.
313
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:31,335
LAUGHTER
314
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:36,135
SARAH: Oh! Oh, no.
315
00:16:41,280 --> 00:16:46,055
What the hell was that?
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
316
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:48,055
Time for our first game.
Sarah and Gary,
317
00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:49,535
you get the first pick of
the letters.
318
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:52,615
Consonant.
Thanks, Gary.
319
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:53,815
Another consonant.
320
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:56,815
Another consonant.
321
00:16:57,720 --> 00:16:59,095
Another consonant.
Oh, God.
322
00:17:00,160 --> 00:17:02,575
And a“ the rest of
the other type of rotters.
323
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:04,055
No, not all of them.
324
00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:05,055
Yeah, yeah.
All of them?
325
00:17:05,080 --> 00:17:06,335
Oh, really?
326
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,015
Is that...?
No, one more consonant at the end.
327
00:17:09,040 --> 00:17:11,615
OK, I'm being told that I want
another consonant at the end.
328
00:17:12,920 --> 00:17:14,215
Thank you.
329
00:17:14,240 --> 00:17:18,055
All right, for the first time today,
here's the Countdown Clock.
330
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,495
Ancl over in Dictionary Corner
we have
331
00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,575
the world's most boring man,
it's jimmy Carr.
332
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,695
Jimmy, you recently released
yet another book all about
333
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,095
the origins of words and phrases.
Tell me,
334
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:35,375
where do you get
your shitty ideas from?
335
00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:39,655
Ancl in charge of
the numbers, it's Fabio.
336
00:17:42,240 --> 00:17:43,735
OK, Fabio, could it be clone?
337
00:17:45,440 --> 00:17:48,695
OK, the prize the teams will be
competing for tonight is this,
338
00:17:48,720 --> 00:17:49,695
the Countdown Rollerskates.
339
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:55,975
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
340
00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,975
The multiverse version's even
shittier than ours.
341
00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:04,295
OK, erm, Gary, how many?
342
00:18:04,320 --> 00:18:06,175
I've got a four.
Sarah, how many?
343
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,535
I've got a five.
OK, Alan, how many?
344
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:09,815
Six.
SARAH: Ooh.
345
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,375
Oh, don't, it might be wrong.
346
00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:14,015
Mun ya, how many?
Five for me.
347
00:18:14,040 --> 00:18:16,375
Gary, your four.
It's wrong, erm,
348
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:18,735
I put peeve but that would
require three Es.
349
00:18:18,760 --> 00:18:21,135
It would.
Erm, Sarah, what's your word?
350
00:18:21,160 --> 00:18:22,815
Oh, leave.
Leave.
351
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,375
I thought you were talking to me.
Yeah.
352
00:18:26,840 --> 00:18:29,175
Erm, Mun ya?
Flame for me, jimmy.
353
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,535
Alan, your six for the points.
354
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:35,575
I'm worried now, cos
I never normally do well. impale?
355
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:40,535
Yes. Brilliant.
Is that good? Ah, that's nice.
356
00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:42,495
Six points for Alan's team.
357
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:46,455
Don Rodolfo, Susie Dent,
could they have done any better?
358
00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:47,815
Yeah. They could have chosen
359
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:50,095
professions that did not bring
shame on their families.
360
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,975
Words-wise, no. No better than six.
361
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:57,495
So, at the end of that,
Alan and Mun ya are in
362
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,695
the lead with six points.
Wicked.
363
00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:02,095
Onto our first numbers round.
364
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,975
Erm, Alan, Mun ya,
your turn to pick the numbers.
365
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:06,295
Four big ones, two little ones.
366
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,375
Oh, no, no.
What?
367
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,415
What?
It's really hard.
368
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:11,735
This is madness.
369
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:16,495
Right, we have one and three.
100, 50...
370
00:19:16,520 --> 00:19:17,735
Oh, God.
..75, 25.
371
00:19:17,760 --> 00:19:18,895
Oh, God.
372
00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:21,735
Oh, my God.
What have you clone, Mun ya?
373
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:25,015
Well, they can't copy.
OK, well your time starts now.
374
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,335
What have you clone?
375
00:19:54,960 --> 00:19:59,295
Erm, so the target was 289.
Did you get it? Gary?
376
00:19:59,320 --> 00:20:00,295
No.
377
00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,695
Sarah, did you get it?
378
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,135
Nope.
379
00:20:04,160 --> 00:20:05,455
Mun ya?
Hell no.
380
00:20:06,640 --> 00:20:09,015
Well, I've got 296.
Is that any good?
381
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,575
It's something.
What did you do, Alan?
382
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:15,295
OK, well, 75 divided by 25 is three.
383
00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:17,775
Then, you times the 100 which is 300
384
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:20,495
and then you take away the three
and the one. 296.
385
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,095
Erm, Rachel, did you get it?
Erm...
386
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:26,335
It's your only job, come on.
387
00:20:28,360 --> 00:20:32,735
I think, erm... Shall we try it?
Shall we try it?
388
00:20:32,760 --> 00:20:35,015
Yeah.
Yeah. Has anyone got a calculator?
389
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:38,775
Use my phone!
Why do you think we employ you?
390
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,535
All right, OK.
I've got my phone, Rachel.
391
00:20:41,560 --> 00:20:43,855
100 minus 3 is 97.
392
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,655
And, then, we wanna do 75 times 97.
393
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,895
Which will be 7,275.
Yep.
394
00:20:54,440 --> 00:20:57,175
Ancl then minus 50, 7,225.
395
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:01,695
Ancl then divide that by, erm...
No, yeah, 25.
396
00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,335
Ancl you might get 289.
Wow, you do.
397
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:08,255
That is incredible.
That is incredible.
398
00:21:08,280 --> 00:21:12,175
How is that possible?
How did you do that?
399
00:21:12,200 --> 00:21:15,415
OK, time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
400
00:21:15,440 --> 00:21:17,775
Don Rodolfo,
what have you got for us?
401
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:20,815
A lot of people ask me, erm,
as a hero to millions,
402
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,615
how I became so successful.
403
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:26,055
Like, what's my daily routine?
Ancl I'm happy to share it with you.
404
00:21:26,080 --> 00:21:29,655
This is a typical clay for me.
4am wake up.
405
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,455
Why 4am? Cos three's too early,
I like a lie-in.
406
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,175
First things first,
ice cold shower,
407
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,055
shock the body.
Second thing second,
408
00:21:36,080 --> 00:21:39,375
jump in the fire, shock the body.
Third things third,
409
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:41,215
treat the burns,
I'm all about self-care.
410
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:47,215
Now, food, it's 4.30am,
I down 13 raw eggs. Shelton.
411
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,615
If I'm training for something,
I need to make some gains,
412
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:52,975
get swole,
I swap the eggs for chickens.
413
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:56,455
13 raw, whole, live, chickens,
feathers on, neck back...
414
00:21:56,480 --> 00:21:57,695
HE GLUGS
415
00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:01,135
At 5am, I go out to commune
with nature.
416
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,695
See, as a child, to toughen me up,
my father would take me out to
417
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,935
the countryside and throw me down
a badger set to fight for my life.
418
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:08,615
I still try to do that
every other clay.
419
00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,055
You know, it keeps me sharp.
420
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,655
Me and the badgers will wrestle
for anything up to three hours.
421
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,535
No eye gouging, no fish hooks,
no butt stuff,
422
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:15,855
everything else goes.
423
00:22:19,560 --> 00:22:22,735
8am, I take a moment
of quiet contemplation and breathe,
424
00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,655
breathe deep down into my pelvis,
connect with it.
425
00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:28,375
8.15 breathe into someone
else's pelvis. Connect with it.
426
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:32,215
After lunch,
I spend my afternoons on quests,
427
00:22:32,240 --> 00:22:33,975
you know, rescuing fair maidens,
428
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:37,055
freeing villages from
the bondage of an evil baron,
429
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:39,415
I might fist fight the witch,
or fist fuck a goblin.
430
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:41,655
It's all in a day's work.
431
00:22:41,680 --> 00:22:45,135
After the stress of the clay,
dinner time is family time.
432
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,455
Not my family, I invite
someone else's family over
433
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:48,735
and watch them eat.
434
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,735
Nobody speaks,
they feel incredibly uncomfortable,
435
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:53,135
I hate having them there.
I don't know why we do it.
436
00:22:54,760 --> 00:22:58,095
8pm is my son Dragon's bedtime.
We normally do bath and a story
437
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:00,135
before tucking him in.
Now, his sheets are normally
438
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,655
saturated by about midnight,
when we'll move him to sleep
439
00:23:02,680 --> 00:23:04,015
the second half of
the night drying out in
440
00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:05,335
a massive bowl of rice.
441
00:23:08,400 --> 00:23:10,895
In my home town of Mumff,
between nine and 11,
442
00:23:10,920 --> 00:23:12,975
is a period I like
to call The Purge.
443
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,695
It's two hours of pure lawless
bliss, you kill a man, that's all gravy.
444
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,055
You boil his bones
with some carrots and onions,
445
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:21,535
add some flour to thicken,
that really is gravy.
446
00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,135
At midnight, I usually get visited
by the ghosts of my past haunting
447
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,615
and forewarning me of
an afterlife spent in
448
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,535
the fires of hell
and the eternity of suffering
449
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:30,895
and agonising torment that awaits.
450
00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,455
Then, it's a glass of Ovaltine,
bed die-byes about two.
451
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,295
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
452
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:37,535
Don Rodolfo, everyone. Wow.
453
00:23:37,920 --> 00:23:43,455
Can I, erm...? Can I ask where
exactly in Spain you're from?
454
00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:49,015
I move around a lot.
I move around a lot.
455
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:50,815
A lot.
456
00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,135
The scores at the moment,
Sarah and Gary have no points,
457
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:59,215
nothing on the board. Alan and Mun ya
are in the lead with 11. Yes.
458
00:24:02,120 --> 00:24:05,295
And here is your teaser
the words are, "Gonadnit,"
459
00:24:05,320 --> 00:24:07,615
the clue is,
"Better to give than receive."
460
00:24:07,640 --> 00:24:08,695
That's, "Gonadnit,"
461
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,415
"Better to give than receive."
See you after the break.
462
00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:30,775
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were, "Gonadnit,"
463
00:24:30,800 --> 00:24:33,135
the clue was,
"Better to give than receive."
464
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:36,855
It was, of course, donating.
So, erm, the scores at the moment,
465
00:24:36,880 --> 00:24:39,815
Alan and Mun ya are in
the lead with 11 points.
466
00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:41,015
They've been playing in teams so far,
467
00:24:41,040 --> 00:24:43,495
but this game is just for
Alan and Sarah.
468
00:24:43,520 --> 00:24:47,135
Team captain versus team captain.
Your turn to choose, Alan.
469
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:50,215
Errn, five consonants
and four vowels, please.
470
00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,495
OK. G, B...
No mucking about.
471
00:24:53,240 --> 00:24:54,895
...N, D...
Let's rock this mother.
472
00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:59,295
...S, O, E, U and A.
Have you got one of these?
473
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,655
You can turn, like,
toy animals into real animals.
474
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,175
Oh, no! I'm gonna get one,
that sounds amazing.
475
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:07,015
They're good.
Your time starts now. What?
476
00:25:13,960 --> 00:25:15,015
That should be it.
477
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,295
CROWD: Aww.
478
00:25:18,920 --> 00:25:21,415
I hate when they bring kittens on
and I wanna look.
479
00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:22,615
See if that'll do a mix.
480
00:25:33,480 --> 00:25:34,455
Dog and me.
481
00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:42,215
CROWD: Aww.
482
00:25:46,520 --> 00:25:48,815
Where did he go?
483
00:25:48,840 --> 00:25:49,815
Come back out.
484
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:52,935
Have some treats.
485
00:25:55,720 --> 00:25:58,135
He's embarrassed,
cos we're wearing the same thing.
486
00:25:59,920 --> 00:26:01,455
Come on, Tayo,
be a fucking professional, mate.
487
00:26:04,360 --> 00:26:08,615
Tayo, Tayo. Tayo. Tayo. Tayo.
488
00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:13,255
Yeah, maybe. Come and sit. Hello!
489
00:26:13,880 --> 00:26:15,695
Hello, come here.
HE WHISTLES
490
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:17,015
Tayo, Tayo.
491
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:19,135
You're not wet.
492
00:26:25,480 --> 00:26:26,975
Alan, what have you got?
493
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:29,855
I've got a six.
Oh! Sarah how many?
494
00:26:29,880 --> 00:26:32,335
I think I've got a seven.
All right, Alan, what's your six?
495
00:26:32,360 --> 00:26:36,815
Gonads. Oh, OK, so you've
got gonads. Erm, Sarah?
496
00:26:36,840 --> 00:26:40,215
Abounds.
Really nice, yeah. Perfect.
497
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:41,455
Seven points to Sarah.
498
00:26:43,760 --> 00:26:46,615
Don Rodolfo, erm, Susie,
could they have done any better?
499
00:26:46,640 --> 00:26:48,615
Dogbanes.
500
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:52,495
What's a dogbane?
It's a thing that poisons a dog.
501
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:54,055
Really, is that true?
Yeah.
502
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:57,175
IN SPANISH ACCENT: Dogbanes.
It's dogbanes.
503
00:26:57,200 --> 00:26:58,535
It sounds more Irish than that.
504
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:03,415
LAUGHTER
505
00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:05,775
IN IRISH ACCENT: Oh, dogbanes!
IN IRISH ACCENT: Dogbanes.
506
00:27:06,760 --> 00:27:07,815
OK, so at the end of that,
507
00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:10,935
Sarah and Gary have seven points,
Alan and Mun ya have 11.
508
00:27:13,600 --> 00:27:17,935
Right, it's now time for Gary
and Mun ya to go head-to-head.
509
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,455
Gary your turn to pick the numbers.
510
00:27:19,480 --> 00:27:21,775
Let's have two big ones
and four small ones.
511
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,295
Two large, four little coming up.
512
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:29,175
Two, three, seven, three,
75 and 50.
513
00:27:29,920 --> 00:27:33,175
And the target 388.
514
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:36,935
OK, so the target is 388.
Your time starts now.
515
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,415
Well, that's just...
ALAN LAUGHS
516
00:27:50,880 --> 00:27:52,455
ls there a one?
517
00:27:52,480 --> 00:27:53,455
Arghg
518
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:11,055
So, the target was 388.
Erm, Mun ya, did you get it?
519
00:28:11,080 --> 00:28:12,735
Nope.
Gary, did you get it?
520
00:28:12,760 --> 00:28:14,655
385, I think.
MUNYA SIGHS
521
00:28:14,680 --> 00:28:18,615
OK, Gary, how did you do that?
OK, erm, two plus three, five.
522
00:28:18,640 --> 00:28:22,135
Yeah.
Times the 75 is, hopefully, 375.
523
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,255
Yeah. Ancl then plus
the seven and the three.
524
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:30,215
Well done. Seven points to Gary.
Could it be done, Rachel?
525
00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:35,575
Yes. 50 times seven, 550.
Three over three is one.
526
00:28:35,600 --> 00:28:37,215
Add it to 75 is 76
527
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:40,935
and divide it by two
for 38 and add it on.
528
00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:47,055
OK, time to go across once again
to Dictionary Corner.
529
00:28:47,080 --> 00:28:49,375
Don Rodolfo, you're Spanish,
530
00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:51,215
I'll just remind you
of that before we start.
531
00:28:53,480 --> 00:28:54,535
What have you got for us?
532
00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:56,975
Well, Jimmy,
I've killed a lot of people.
533
00:28:57,000 --> 00:29:00,455
Like, a lot. But they say you never
forget your first.
534
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,335
Well, I did.
I've got no recollection,
535
00:29:02,360 --> 00:29:04,775
cos I've been doing it since
I was a little baby.
536
00:29:04,800 --> 00:29:06,775
You know how some people
are born with
537
00:29:06,800 --> 00:29:09,095
a silver spoon in their mouth,
538
00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,575
I was born with
a silver sword in my hand.
539
00:29:12,360 --> 00:29:16,095
It was a difficult birth.
Caesarean, from the inside.
540
00:29:18,040 --> 00:29:21,335
To say my mother survived
would be...inaccurate.
541
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:23,095
So, erm,
because I never really knew her,
542
00:29:23,120 --> 00:29:24,815
lately I've been trying
to reconnect.
543
00:29:24,840 --> 00:29:27,175
I've been tracing back her
family tree
544
00:29:27,200 --> 00:29:29,215
and come across some
interesting characters.
545
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:32,575
First up, we have
my grandmother, Marjory.
546
00:29:32,600 --> 00:29:34,815
There she is. Nice hat!
547
00:29:35,400 --> 00:29:39,695
It's a fucking tragedy, actually.
She shagged herself to death.
548
00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:42,415
IN IRISH ACCENT:
It's a fucking tragedy.
549
00:29:42,440 --> 00:29:44,015
Marjory's father was called Oopsy.
550
00:29:45,400 --> 00:29:47,295
Yeah, they came from
a very poor family,
551
00:29:47,320 --> 00:29:48,775
couldn't even afford chairs.
552
00:29:54,120 --> 00:29:55,815
Then, we have my mother's
great aunt, Pissy.
553
00:29:57,000 --> 00:29:58,175
Cause of death, unknown.
554
00:30:03,520 --> 00:30:05,895
Next up, we have my great,
great, great uncle, Poncho.
555
00:30:05,920 --> 00:30:07,895
A great guy, he loved his horse.
556
00:30:09,280 --> 00:30:13,295
Too much. Maybe too much.
557
00:30:13,840 --> 00:30:17,615
Now, erm, we also had a bit of
a celebrity in the family.
558
00:30:17,640 --> 00:30:19,415
Now, I don't like to brag,
but my great,
559
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:22,535
great, great uncle, Norm,
was a pretty big deal on
560
00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:24,935
the after-dinner circuit around
the courts of Europe.
561
00:30:24,960 --> 00:30:28,055
He would do poems,
like, tell a naughty joke,
562
00:30:28,080 --> 00:30:29,375
but, mainly, he looked like this.
563
00:30:33,400 --> 00:30:34,815
What's going on there?
564
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:37,135
I don't even know what that is.
565
00:30:37,160 --> 00:30:39,455
SPANISH ACCENT SLIPPING: They just
used to call him fuzzy boy.
566
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:40,455
Spanish.
567
00:30:45,280 --> 00:30:48,415
So, erm, we're actually able
to trace my family lineage all
568
00:30:48,440 --> 00:30:51,495
the way back to the 11th century.
The birth of my great,
569
00:30:51,520 --> 00:30:53,935
great, great, great,
great, great, grandfather
570
00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:56,695
is actually captured in
the Bayeux Tapestry.
571
00:30:56,720 --> 00:30:58,295
How do we know it's him?
572
00:30:58,320 --> 00:31:01,335
Look familiar? Caesarean!
It's me inside.
573
00:31:02,880 --> 00:31:04,615
Don Rodolfo, everyone.
574
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:11,495
There's a Spanish expression
for that...
575
00:31:11,520 --> 00:31:12,535
IN IRISH ACCENT:
..what's going on there?
576
00:31:17,400 --> 00:31:18,495
IN IRISH ACCENT: What's the story?
577
00:31:21,120 --> 00:31:24,375
And here is your teaser.
The words are, "|nto Alan,"
578
00:31:24,400 --> 00:31:26,375
the clue is, "Do it for your
country. That's, "|nto Alan,"
579
00:31:26,400 --> 00:31:28,855
"Do it for your country."
See you after the break.
580
00:31:45,040 --> 00:31:46,535
Welcome back,
the answer to the teaser,
581
00:31:46,560 --> 00:31:47,695
the words were, "|nto Alan,"
582
00:31:47,720 --> 00:31:48,935
the clue was,
"Do it for your Country."
583
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:50,615
It was of course, national.
584
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:55,015
OK, before we go on with the game,
time for a quick bonus round.
585
00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:57,735
Sarah and Gary have been lovers
for many years.
586
00:31:59,240 --> 00:32:01,575
But Alan and Mun ya
have only just met.
587
00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:05,135
But who knows more about each other?
The married couple, or the strangers?
588
00:32:05,160 --> 00:32:09,055
Let's find out as we play
Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs.
589
00:32:09,080 --> 00:32:11,535
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
590
00:32:11,560 --> 00:32:14,335
Come on, let's join them.
APPLAUSE
591
00:32:17,720 --> 00:32:20,055
I'm gonna ask, erm, Mun ya
and Sarah some questions.
592
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,535
Alan and Gary won't be able
to hear the answers,
593
00:32:22,560 --> 00:32:23,815
because they'll be
wearing headphones.
594
00:32:23,840 --> 00:32:24,975
You'll just have to guess them.
595
00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,815
Whoever gets
the most correct answers gets
596
00:32:26,840 --> 00:32:30,615
the bonus points. Sarah,
is Gary the perfect husband?
597
00:32:30,640 --> 00:32:32,535
Yeah, for me. Yeah, for sure.
598
00:32:32,560 --> 00:32:34,935
That sounded like less of
a compliment now, I've realised.
599
00:32:36,560 --> 00:32:39,055
Alan, same question
to you regarding Mun ya.
600
00:32:39,080 --> 00:32:41,295
He's a... He's a wonderful lover.
601
00:32:44,000 --> 00:32:48,335
He excites me in ways
I never really knew possible.
602
00:32:48,360 --> 00:32:49,215
Is that with the big hand?
603
00:32:49,240 --> 00:32:50,215
Yeah.
604
00:32:51,560 --> 00:32:55,935
OK, Alan, Gary, take a seat over
by Rachel. Put your headphones on.
605
00:32:55,960 --> 00:32:59,135
Good luck, love.
Thank you.
606
00:32:59,160 --> 00:33:02,335
Let's play Mr And Mr And Mr And Mrs.
Mun ya, you're up first. Mm-hmm.
607
00:33:02,360 --> 00:33:03,895
Here is your first question.
608
00:33:03,920 --> 00:33:07,375
What unusual grooming habit
does Alan have?
609
00:33:09,720 --> 00:33:14,895
I've known Alan for a few minutes
and I reckon he's the kind of guy
610
00:33:14,920 --> 00:33:18,455
who, every time he has a poo,
he has a shower.
611
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,295
If Alan could change one thing
about himself,
612
00:33:22,320 --> 00:33:23,575
what do you think it would be?
613
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:26,575
It's hard to know where to begin,
isn't it?
614
00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:30,495
His dentist, I don't know, erm...
615
00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:35,615
What does Alan think
is his best feature
616
00:33:35,640 --> 00:33:37,295
and, I'll give you a clue,
it's below his waist.
617
00:33:39,800 --> 00:33:41,775
His symmetrical knees.
618
00:33:44,480 --> 00:33:45,615
It's the best kind.
619
00:33:45,640 --> 00:33:47,135
Isn't one bigger than
the other usually?
620
00:33:47,160 --> 00:33:48,815
That's boobs.
Erm, yeah, all right.
621
00:33:50,160 --> 00:33:53,135
What about Alan does he think
gives people the ick?
622
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:56,055
I feel like he doesn't know what
to do with his hands.
623
00:33:56,080 --> 00:33:57,495
Picking his thumbs.
624
00:33:57,520 --> 00:33:59,055
Look, man, I don't know the guy,
you know?
625
00:34:01,400 --> 00:34:03,655
Well, let's bring Alan back.
Could you grab Alan, Rachel?
626
00:34:05,200 --> 00:34:06,255
You're up.
Oh!
627
00:34:09,640 --> 00:34:12,455
So, if the answers match,
you'll get points, OK. OK.
628
00:34:12,480 --> 00:34:15,335
I asked him what unusual
grooming habits do you have?
629
00:34:15,360 --> 00:34:16,455
What do you think he said?
630
00:34:16,480 --> 00:34:19,575
Do you know what I like doing?
Well, this is disgusting,
631
00:34:19,600 --> 00:34:23,895
but picking my toenails and using
them as interdent things. What?!
632
00:34:27,560 --> 00:34:28,615
I know what you're thinking,
633
00:34:28,640 --> 00:34:31,135
with the size of these gaps
I could use my whole foot,
634
00:34:31,160 --> 00:34:35,535
but, yeah, I do that, that's me.
Nah.
635
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:38,455
They're good, cos you can get
right in, especially your big toe.
636
00:34:38,480 --> 00:34:40,895
Cos it's got a hook on it,
you can get right in the back.
637
00:34:41,720 --> 00:34:44,295
Did he say that? Did you say that?
638
00:34:44,320 --> 00:34:45,735
He thought you might like
to have a shower
639
00:34:45,760 --> 00:34:47,335
after you did a poo, but, erm...
640
00:34:47,360 --> 00:34:49,775
He's flossing with his toenails,
so, no.
641
00:34:49,800 --> 00:34:52,255
Alan, if you could change one thing
about yourself, what would it be?
642
00:34:52,280 --> 00:34:53,335
My hump.
643
00:34:55,120 --> 00:34:56,455
What hump is this?
644
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:57,615
This hump here,
645
00:34:57,640 --> 00:35:00,735
I have, like, a hump like that.
It's too much.
646
00:35:00,760 --> 00:35:02,375
It's from getting those toenails,
innit? I know!
647
00:35:04,080 --> 00:35:06,655
Where's the hump?
The hump's here.
648
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,615
It's quite rounded.
It's like I'm shoplifting a wok.
649
00:35:13,960 --> 00:35:16,775
Did you say that?
No.
650
00:35:16,800 --> 00:35:17,895
Mun ya said the thing you would
651
00:35:17,920 --> 00:35:19,055
change about yourself
would be your...
652
00:35:20,640 --> 00:35:22,255
LAUGH ER
653
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,135
Oh, no, what did you say?
654
00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:26,655
What do you think he said?
655
00:35:26,680 --> 00:35:28,375
Go on, say it to my face,
say it to my face.
656
00:35:29,760 --> 00:35:30,935
Is this your first fight?
657
00:35:31,960 --> 00:35:34,775
What did you say? What did you say?
Ah, I said your dentist, erm...
658
00:35:35,520 --> 00:35:37,895
Because of your teeth.
You are not getting any tonight.
659
00:35:40,880 --> 00:35:43,175
OK, oh, God, we're not doing
very well at this. Sorry.
660
00:35:43,200 --> 00:35:44,735
OK, well, no, you can pull this back.
661
00:35:44,760 --> 00:35:47,775
Next, I asked Mun ya what do you
think is your best feature?
662
00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,375
My legs. I've got lovely legs.
Thank you.
663
00:35:51,400 --> 00:35:54,775
I will give you that. You said...
664
00:35:54,800 --> 00:35:56,695
I said you've got
symmetrical knees.
665
00:35:59,680 --> 00:36:02,815
But, no, I mean, my legs,
everyone comments on my legs.
666
00:36:02,840 --> 00:36:06,055
They're my erogenous zone, as well,
did you know that?
667
00:36:06,080 --> 00:36:08,375
I put on a pair of Uggs,
I nearly came.
668
00:36:11,760 --> 00:36:15,055
OK. So, we'll give you that.
Erm, we asked Mun ya this,
669
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:18,295
we said, what does Alan think about
him gives people the ick?
670
00:36:18,320 --> 00:36:20,735
I have really bad IBS.
671
00:36:22,120 --> 00:36:23,935
Yeah, no, I did know that.
672
00:36:25,520 --> 00:36:28,735
I have explosive wind.
I once destroyed a fire pit.
673
00:36:33,080 --> 00:36:37,055
Yeah, I have really bad stomach
issues and it just, bfft, goes.
674
00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:40,415
Bfft! Like Oppenheimer, boom.
675
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:43,895
I said that you don't know
676
00:36:43,920 --> 00:36:46,255
what to do with your hands
when you're nervous.
677
00:36:46,280 --> 00:36:47,455
And where are they now?
Yes.
678
00:36:47,480 --> 00:36:49,215
They're holding in the IBS.
Yeah.
679
00:36:50,360 --> 00:36:52,775
Pushing my arse cheeks together.
680
00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:57,895
All right, so, you got one.
Let's see how the lovers will get on.
681
00:36:57,920 --> 00:36:59,775
But there's not...
There's nothing at stake here.
682
00:36:59,800 --> 00:37:02,295
There's a lot at stake over here.
683
00:37:02,320 --> 00:37:04,255
Well, let's see how
this round goes. Oh, God.
684
00:37:04,280 --> 00:37:06,095
Here we go.
OK, here's your first question.
685
00:37:06,120 --> 00:37:08,695
Yeah.
What's Gary's most annoying habit?
686
00:37:09,680 --> 00:37:12,135
He doesn't really know how
to use a toilet brush.
687
00:37:12,160 --> 00:37:13,695
Oh.
I use paper.
688
00:37:17,840 --> 00:37:21,255
He genuinely thinks it's
for unblocking the toilet...
689
00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:24,775
...and sometimes I bring it out
the little holder
690
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:26,375
and it just looks like a cake pop.
691
00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:29,975
So, that. I think that.
692
00:37:30,000 --> 00:37:32,375
I don't know that he knows
that he does that, though.
693
00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:34,895
Well, this feels like
the perfect forum.
694
00:37:37,600 --> 00:37:39,855
What would be Gary's
ideal date night?
695
00:37:40,400 --> 00:37:41,375
He'd be on his own...
696
00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,255
...with a bowl of sausages
697
00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:48,815
and some zombie films.
I don't think I'm there at all.
698
00:37:49,920 --> 00:37:51,535
Perfect date night. OK.
699
00:37:51,560 --> 00:37:54,255
What's the most romantic thing
Gary has ever done for you?
700
00:37:54,280 --> 00:37:56,175
He did once, when I was poorly,
he brought me,
701
00:37:56,200 --> 00:37:58,815
instead of flowers and chocolates,
which is kind of standard, isn't it?
702
00:37:58,840 --> 00:38:01,095
He brought me a Mr Potato Head
to cheer me up.
703
00:38:01,360 --> 00:38:04,455
It was genuinely touching,
if a little mad. OK.
704
00:38:04,480 --> 00:38:06,215
You're not gonna break us, jimmy.
No, I...
705
00:38:08,160 --> 00:38:09,735
What's your most annoying habit?
706
00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:11,455
I think I'm quite controlling,
707
00:38:11,480 --> 00:38:13,935
but that's only because
he often does thing wrong.
708
00:38:15,040 --> 00:38:16,215
Let's get Gary back.
709
00:38:16,240 --> 00:38:18,975
He seems to be enjoying
the peace and quiet over there.
710
00:38:19,000 --> 00:38:20,495
I don't wanna disturb him.
OK, let's bring Gary back.
711
00:38:20,520 --> 00:38:21,495
Come on, Gary.
712
00:38:24,400 --> 00:38:26,735
You know how this works, I've asked
Sarah some questions. Yeah.
713
00:38:26,760 --> 00:38:29,095
You've just gotta match your answers,
then you get the points, OK.
714
00:38:29,120 --> 00:38:31,535
What is your most annoying habit,
what do you think Sarah said?
715
00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:32,615
Always being right.
716
00:38:35,720 --> 00:38:38,215
That is... That is not what she said.
717
00:38:40,800 --> 00:38:42,295
What did you say?
You didn't say he was...
718
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:44,095
Oh, I said that he didn't know how
to use the toilet brush.
719
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:46,095
They're no good for unblocking it,
they're awful.
720
00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:47,095
That's not what they're for!
721
00:38:49,920 --> 00:38:51,815
OK, well, I'll say no points there.
Erm... Yeah, fair enough.
722
00:38:53,120 --> 00:38:55,375
What would be your ideal date night?
723
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:56,775
Curry and zombie films.
724
00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,135
Oh, I'll give you the points
for that, yeah.
725
00:38:59,160 --> 00:39:00,815
I'll give you that, yeah.
I said sausages and zombie films.
726
00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:02,335
That'll do, yeah, yeah, yeah.
727
00:39:04,840 --> 00:39:05,935
I next asked Sarah what's
728
00:39:05,960 --> 00:39:08,295
the most romantic thing
you've ever done for her.
729
00:39:08,320 --> 00:39:11,135
When you were stuck in Australia
when the planes couldn't fly.
730
00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:12,535
Oh, yeah, the ash cloud.
I was gonna drive
731
00:39:12,560 --> 00:39:15,215
to pick you up in Spain,
cos you could fly to Spain. Yeah.
732
00:39:15,240 --> 00:39:17,055
But then they legalised
flying again.
733
00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:18,335
So, I didn't have to.
So, I get to make the offer
734
00:39:18,360 --> 00:39:20,615
and get all the kudos points
without having to deliver on it.
735
00:39:21,440 --> 00:39:22,975
I'm gonna say that's the best.
736
00:39:23,000 --> 00:39:24,935
You were gonna drive to Spain
to pick her up? Yeah.
737
00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:27,575
Yeah. Wow, they've got
weird accents there.
738
00:39:27,600 --> 00:39:28,575
Yeah.
739
00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,495
I'm worried that I'm not gonna
have a career after this.
740
00:39:35,520 --> 00:39:37,495
LAUGHTER
741
00:39:38,320 --> 00:39:41,255
That wasn't Spanish at all.
LAUGHTER
742
00:39:42,560 --> 00:39:44,015
So, the correct answer was?
743
00:39:44,040 --> 00:39:46,775
That you brought me the Mr Potato
Head when I wasn't very well
744
00:39:46,800 --> 00:39:48,335
to cheer me up.
Oh, yes! Yes, I did, I did.
745
00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:52,735
Next, I asked Sarah what is
Sarah's most annoying habit?
746
00:39:52,760 --> 00:39:54,135
On the rare occasions I get
the remote control,
747
00:39:54,160 --> 00:39:55,615
she always tells me
I'm not doing it properly
748
00:39:55,640 --> 00:39:57,095
and grabs it herself
and presses the button.
749
00:39:57,120 --> 00:39:59,455
What did you say?
I said that I was too controlling.
750
00:39:59,480 --> 00:40:00,695
Ancl I think you just gave
a really good story
751
00:40:00,720 --> 00:40:03,015
about how I'm really controlling.
752
00:40:03,040 --> 00:40:05,295
I think they get the points
for that, don't they?
753
00:40:08,120 --> 00:40:10,455
This is a win not just
for Sarah and Gary,
754
00:40:10,480 --> 00:40:12,175
but for lovers everywhere.
You get the five bonus points.
755
00:40:12,200 --> 00:40:13,855
Ah.
Yeah.
756
00:40:13,880 --> 00:40:17,535
Thanks for playing Mr And Mr
And Mr And Mrs. Back to our seats.
757
00:40:17,560 --> 00:40:20,055
GAME SHOW MUSIC PLAYS
758
00:40:20,760 --> 00:40:22,535
"Too controlling.
She doesn't let me have the remote."
759
00:40:22,560 --> 00:40:25,215
But he doesn't even mute,
he just turns it down,
760
00:40:25,240 --> 00:40:27,935
down, down, down, down,
down, down, down. Yeah.
761
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:29,775
just fucking mute it.
762
00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:32,735
Whoa.
763
00:40:32,760 --> 00:40:34,455
What a fascinating glimpse
into your lives.
764
00:40:36,280 --> 00:40:38,135
Well, we already know about
your arsehole, so...
765
00:40:41,160 --> 00:40:43,455
I wish I could press
the mute button on my arsehole.
766
00:40:43,480 --> 00:40:44,775
LAUGHTER
767
00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:49,095
OK, on with the game.
Sarah, your turn to pick the letters.
768
00:40:49,120 --> 00:40:52,495
Five consonants
and four vowels, please.
769
00:40:52,520 --> 00:40:54,095
No messing around.
Thank you, love.
770
00:40:54,120 --> 00:40:56,495
All business.
Oh, yeah, I'm not messing about.
771
00:40:57,480 --> 00:41:00,575
S and then A...
Yeah, come on.
772
00:41:00,600 --> 00:41:03,055
...E, O, E.
773
00:41:03,080 --> 00:41:05,295
And your time starts now.
774
00:41:36,160 --> 00:41:38,495
Erm, Sarah, how many letters?
I've got a five, love.
775
00:41:38,520 --> 00:41:40,855
You've got a five.
OK, Gary, how many? Five.
776
00:41:40,880 --> 00:41:41,775
Alan?
Six.
777
00:41:41,800 --> 00:41:42,975
Oh!
Mun ya?
778
00:41:43,000 --> 00:41:44,135
Also, six.
779
00:41:44,160 --> 00:41:46,535
OK, well, Gary, what's your five?
780
00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:48,415
Stang.
Stang?
781
00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:50,735
Yeah. Like the past tense of sting.
782
00:41:50,760 --> 00:41:54,295
Susie, how you feeling about stang?
Sting, stung, so no stang.
783
00:41:54,320 --> 00:41:56,655
Sarah?
I've got teens.
784
00:41:56,680 --> 00:41:59,535
Yeah.
Teens. Erm, Mun ya, your six.
785
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:02,535
I've got tangos.
Yeah. Very good.
786
00:42:02,560 --> 00:42:04,975
Alan, your six?
Agents.
787
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:07,775
Oh, six points to Alan and Mun ya.
Well clone, well clone.
788
00:42:07,800 --> 00:42:10,775
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
789
00:42:12,280 --> 00:42:14,575
Susie, Don Rodolfo,
my Spanish friend...
790
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:16,135
LAUGHTER
791
00:42:16,160 --> 00:42:18,175
...could they have done
any better, Don Rodolfo?
792
00:42:18,200 --> 00:42:20,175
Yeah, they could have had neonates
for eight.
793
00:42:20,200 --> 00:42:23,575
Neonates. What's Neonates?
A newborn infant.
794
00:42:23,600 --> 00:42:25,975
So, at the end of that,
Sarah and Gary are in the lead
795
00:42:26,000 --> 00:42:29,055
with 19 points.
Oh, for goodness' sake!
796
00:42:30,960 --> 00:42:32,655
And here is your final teaser.
797
00:42:32,680 --> 00:42:36,615
The words are, "Wankrise,"
the clue is, "That's a posh one."
798
00:42:36,640 --> 00:42:38,935
That's, "Wankrise,"
"That's a posh one."
799
00:42:38,960 --> 00:42:43,935
See you after the break.
800
00:42:55,080 --> 00:42:56,455
Welcome back,
the answer to the teaser,
801
00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:59,455
the words were, "Wankrise,"
the clue was, "That's a posh one."
802
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:00,975
It was, of course, swankier.
803
00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:04,935
OK, time for our final letters game.
Alan, Mun ya, your turn to choose.
804
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:06,415
OK, erm...
You choose.
805
00:43:06,440 --> 00:43:07,455
Go on, you choose, love.
No, no, no.
806
00:43:07,480 --> 00:43:10,695
No, go on, Mun ya, you choose.
What is it, words? Erm...
807
00:43:10,720 --> 00:43:16,095
Oh, I'll choose. I'll choose.
Errn, five consonants, please,
808
00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:17,575
and four vowels.
809
00:43:17,600 --> 00:43:23,975
OK. R, I, Y, S, D. And then I.
810
00:43:24,000 --> 00:43:25,855
We've got a problem with
the clock, I'll do it on this,
811
00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:29,575
on my potato keyboard.
U...A and E.
812
00:43:30,920 --> 00:43:31,895
Thank you.
I'll just do a sound check.
813
00:43:31,920 --> 00:43:34,135
POTATOES PLAY PIANO NOTES
814
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:40,855
OK, and your time starts...now.
815
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:45,455
HE PLAYS A TUNE
816
00:43:46,040 --> 00:43:53,175
HE PLAYS COUNTDOWN TUNE
817
00:43:53,640 --> 00:44:00,575
HE PLAYS JAZZY VERSION
OF COUNTDOWN TUNE
818
00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:08,655
HE PLAYS COUNTDOWN TUNE
819
00:44:10,920 --> 00:44:13,855
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
820
00:44:16,640 --> 00:44:17,735
Very good.
821
00:44:18,000 --> 00:44:19,055
HE PLAYS NOTES
822
00:44:19,080 --> 00:44:21,415
Erm, how many?
Seven.
823
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,055
Seven. Gary, how many?
Six.
824
00:44:23,080 --> 00:44:25,415
Six. OK, Alan?
Seven.
825
00:44:25,440 --> 00:44:27,735
Oh, Mun ya?
Six for me.
826
00:44:27,760 --> 00:44:29,055
What's your six, Mun ya?
827
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,055
Easily.
Gary, your six?
828
00:44:31,080 --> 00:44:32,455
Arises.
829
00:44:32,480 --> 00:44:34,775
One S. So, you can't have arises.
830
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:36,055
It's bad enough he's controlled
by Sarah
831
00:44:36,080 --> 00:44:39,095
and now you're chipping in.
Sarah, your seven?
832
00:44:39,600 --> 00:44:42,055
Erm, readily.
Alan, your seven?
833
00:44:42,080 --> 00:44:43,775
Redials.
834
00:44:43,800 --> 00:44:46,095
Yep.
00f. That's beautiful.
835
00:44:46,120 --> 00:44:49,775
Seven points to both teams.
836
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:52,535
Susie, Don Rodolfo from Spain.
837
00:44:52,560 --> 00:44:55,975
Yeah, they could have had, erm,
residual for eight.
838
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:57,615
Oh, we were so close to Ireland.
839
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:01,415
LAUGHTER
840
00:45:02,200 --> 00:45:04,135
Turn the U upside down.
841
00:45:05,120 --> 00:45:07,695
Turn the U upside down,
you've got it.
842
00:45:07,720 --> 00:45:08,695
Nailed.
843
00:45:11,120 --> 00:45:12,335
He's so proud!
844
00:45:15,040 --> 00:45:19,375
OK, so Alan and Mun ya have 24.
Sarah and Gary have 26.
845
00:45:19,400 --> 00:45:20,695
APPLAUSE
846
00:45:23,720 --> 00:45:25,495
No mucking about now, love.
847
00:45:25,520 --> 00:45:26,615
Fingers on buzzers,
848
00:45:26,640 --> 00:45:29,775
it's time for today's crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
849
00:45:29,800 --> 00:45:31,655
You're time starts now.
850
00:45:37,520 --> 00:45:39,815
BUZZER RINGS
Yes!
851
00:45:39,840 --> 00:45:41,295
Is it imploring?
852
00:45:41,320 --> 00:45:42,735
Let's take a look.
How the...?
853
00:45:42,760 --> 00:45:43,815
It is.
Wow.
854
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:46,175
Genuinely!
APPLAUSE
855
00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:49,375
I've never done it before!
Whoa! That was amazing!
856
00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:50,935
Five seconds in! Five seconds.
857
00:45:50,960 --> 00:45:53,775
I've never done it before.
Wow.
858
00:45:53,800 --> 00:45:57,015
So, the final scores are
Sarah and Gary have 26 points,
859
00:45:57,040 --> 00:45:59,455
Alan and Mun ya have won with 34.
860
00:45:59,680 --> 00:46:04,095
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
861
00:46:04,120 --> 00:46:06,495
Congratulations, you're now
the proud owner of this,
862
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:09,055
the Countdown Practice Milking Set.
863
00:46:10,640 --> 00:46:12,975
Thanks to all our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience
864
00:46:13,000 --> 00:46:15,735
and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us, goodnight.
865
00:46:15,760 --> 00:46:20,095
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
866
00:46:20,120 --> 00:46:22,335
Subtitles by Red Bee Media