1
00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:12,055
This program me contains strong
language and adult humour
2
00:00:25,560 --> 00:00:28,775
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
3
00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:35,535
Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
4
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:37,415
Rob Beckett,
5
00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:39,775
Sarah Millican,
6
00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:41,775
Jamali Maddix,
7
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:44,055
Joe Wilkinson,
8
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:45,415
Glenn Moore,
9
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:47,135
Susie Dent,
10
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,415
Rachel Riley
11
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:50,295
and your host,
12
00:00:50,320 --> 00:00:52,295
Jimmy...
13
00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:54,015
Carr!
14
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:56,455
EXCITED APPLAUSE
15
00:00:57,520 --> 00:01:00,335
Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown -
16
00:01:00,360 --> 00:01:02,295
a show about letters, numbers
and conundrums.
17
00:01:02,320 --> 00:01:03,615
OK, let's meet tonight's players.
18
00:01:03,640 --> 00:01:06,135
First up, we have team captain
Sarah Millican.
19
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,375
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20
00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,335
Sarah is from South Shields.
21
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,695
I'm not saying it's an unhealthy
place to grow up
22
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,535
but when kids there learn
the alphabet they're told,
23
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,575
A is for a bag of chips.
24
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,215
SHE LAUGHS
25
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,535
B, is for bag of chips
and C is for chips.
26
00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:25,015
Yeah.
27
00:01:25,040 --> 00:01:26,815
And Sarah's teammate, Jamali Maddix.
28
00:01:26,840 --> 00:01:29,335
APPLAUSE
29
00:01:31,640 --> 00:01:34,015
Jamali says he's had
a few near-death experiences
30
00:01:34,040 --> 00:01:36,695
and looking at him, those were
the closest shaves he's ever had.
31
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,415
LAUGHTER
32
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,775
Oh, brother,
I hate how much I enjoyed that.
33
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,575
LAUGHTER
34
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:45,415
Up against them this evening
is team captain Rob Beckett.
35
00:01:45,440 --> 00:01:48,095
CHEERING
36
00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:53,975
Last year Rob took part in ITV's Who
Do You Think You Are? rip-off show
37
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:58,335
DNA Journey, where he discovered
he was 40% cockney
38
00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:00,615
and 60% Shire Horse.
39
00:02:00,640 --> 00:02:02,655
LAUGHTER
40
00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:06,415
Interesting fact -
downstairs is the Shire Horse.
41
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:07,855
LAUGHTER
42
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:10,215
Have you got massive teeth
down there as well? Yeah.
43
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:11,615
LAUGHTER
44
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:14,775
And joining Rob tonight,
it's Joe Wilkinson.
45
00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:17,655
CHEERING
Joe's here.
46
00:02:18,880 --> 00:02:21,295
Joe Wilkinson gets recognised
in the street a lot.
47
00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,255
People often say,
"That's him, Officer."
48
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,055
LAUGHTER
49
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:27,455
Rob, apparently you recently
moved house. Did it go OK?
50
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,495
Awful. Just wherever you are,
just die there.
51
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,055
It's not worth the stress.
52
00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:34,455
The amount of hairy arse cracks
I saw in the removal men
53
00:02:34,480 --> 00:02:35,855
will haunt me.
54
00:02:35,880 --> 00:02:38,975
We couldn't find the cat,
it's still at the old place.
55
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,335
This is genuine, the cat
doesn't live with us any more.
56
00:02:41,360 --> 00:02:44,295
It's with the new people
who bought the house.
57
00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:47,215
But we've left the bag to put him
in to bring him to us.
58
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,735
But every time,
he knows what's happening.
59
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,495
He thinks he's going to the vet's,
so he's not having it.
60
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:52,735
I've moved to the countryside
61
00:02:52,760 --> 00:02:54,655
and I'm having to drive through
little country lanes.
62
00:02:54,680 --> 00:02:57,495
All I do all day is Pullin.
63
00:02:57,520 --> 00:02:59,975
It's just pulling in if you live
in the countryside. Good, innit?
64
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,335
It's terrible.
We had no Wi-Fi for the first week
65
00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,215
and I thought I might as well
just kill myself.
66
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:05,335
LAUGHTER
67
00:03:05,360 --> 00:03:07,695
I can't live like this.
We hadn't been connected up
68
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:11,015
cos you have to contact Openreach,
which is a disaster zone.
69
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:14,775
Have you ever had to deal with...?
Now I feel like I'm ranting on LBC,
70
00:03:14,800 --> 00:03:17,255
but you asked the question.
71
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,495
Yeah, we've moved in and
we love it there, feels like home.
72
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:22,815
LAUGHTER
73
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,375
Sarah, have you got any
unusual habits when you're on tour?
74
00:03:25,400 --> 00:03:28,055
Well, I read an interview
with Beyonce
75
00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:30,415
where she talked about
what hers were
76
00:03:30,440 --> 00:03:32,815
and one of the things
that she likes to do
77
00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:35,535
is she says a prayer
with all of her band
78
00:03:35,560 --> 00:03:38,335
and then she has a bit of quiet time
on her own.
79
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:41,535
And I'm the same, but it's
a limerick and I go for a shit.
80
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:43,375
LAUGHTER
81
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:44,455
What's the limerick?
82
00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:47,975
I haven't been on tour for a while
so I might not remember all of it.
83
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:50,935
There was an old woman called Mabel
84
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:52,735
who liked to have sex on a table
85
00:03:52,760 --> 00:03:54,655
Duh-duh-duh, der, duh-did-did-de-der
86
00:03:54,680 --> 00:03:57,015
Put your balls in as well
If you're able.
87
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:58,375
LAUGHTER
88
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:00,015
I don't remember the middle bit.
89
00:04:00,040 --> 00:04:03,375
OK. Joe, have you done
any unusual jobs in the past?
90
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,895
Er, oh, yeah, I used to be
a wedding photographer.
91
00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:08,615
Really? Yeah, yeah, but it's
a crowded market, as you know.
92
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:10,655
So, erm, to differentiate myself
93
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,935
I specialised in only photographing
jilted brides.
94
00:04:13,960 --> 00:04:17,055
LAUGHTER
95
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,015
I'd take all the same photos
as, er, like, a happy couple,
96
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,695
only difference is
she's stood on her own
97
00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,975
and she's usually got
the right hump.
98
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:27,455
So it was quite hard
to get her to sort of pose
99
00:04:27,480 --> 00:04:30,735
for some of the more
traditional photos, you know like,
100
00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,575
"Would you mind gazing into
where his eyes would have been?"
101
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:37,055
LAUGHTER
102
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:38,535
Jamali, what were you like at school?
103
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:40,895
Were you a good kid,
were you a rebel?
104
00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:45,455
No, I was bad. I think I was
the worst... I was fat with energy,
105
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,095
which is the worst combination
of child.
106
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,255
Big but energetic?
No, not big, like, I was huge.
107
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,775
Really? Yeah, I was, like, six foot
when I was, like, ten.
108
00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,415
Like, I weighed a stone
when I was born.
109
00:04:57,440 --> 00:05:00,095
I see it in your eyes.
Talk about my mum's vagina
110
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,095
when I've come here
for a lovely day.
111
00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,415
LAUGHTER
112
00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:07,495
I can see it coming cos I could see
the Rolodex and you were like,
113
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,415
"All right."
Now I'm shutting that down.
114
00:05:09,440 --> 00:05:12,415
Genuinely, he saw into my mind.
115
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,335
Have you got siblings?
You the eldest?
116
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,695
Yeah, all of my sisters are like,
five foot.
117
00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,215
Wide? No.
118
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:21,935
All of them are small.
119
00:05:21,960 --> 00:05:23,135
You just tower above them.
120
00:05:23,160 --> 00:05:26,535
Yeah, yeah.
My dad's five, seven, well...
121
00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,575
Yes, he's my dad.
122
00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,615
How does he do it?
123
00:05:30,640 --> 00:05:32,255
LAUGHTER
You're ready, aren't you?
124
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:34,975
Yeah, I'm ready, bruv.
I've seen the shows,
125
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:36,815
well, I've seen the highlights
and...
126
00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:37,935
GIGGLING
127
00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,335
You've been on this show.
128
00:05:40,360 --> 00:05:41,855
Yeah.
129
00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:44,415
LAUGHTER
I was, innit? Shit.
130
00:05:44,440 --> 00:05:45,815
That's amazing.
131
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:47,455
"I've seen this show."
You've been on it.
132
00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,655
At what stage did the beard come?
133
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:51,895
I was about 16.
134
00:05:51,920 --> 00:05:54,375
I didn't get pubes
until I was in my late teens,
135
00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,695
so I just looked like a long baby.
136
00:05:56,720 --> 00:05:58,095
LAUGHTER
137
00:06:00,040 --> 00:06:02,775
I remember the exact point
the first one appeared
138
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,495
and believe it or not,
it was halfway up my willy.
139
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,015
And that is the God's honest truth.
140
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,335
The first one,
down the side of my penis.
141
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:14,455
Ah.
142
00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:18,495
I think if it's halfway up your dick
is that considered a pube?
143
00:06:18,520 --> 00:06:21,215
Well, I hope so
because I celebrated like it was.
144
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,615
LAUGHTER
145
00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:26,695
I wanted to wrap it up,
so it didn't fall off, but it did.
146
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,575
Oh, you haven't still got that one?
147
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,335
In a locket.
148
00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,415
LAUGHTER
149
00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,335
Sarah, have you got a mascot?
150
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,815
Yes, I have got a mascot.
151
00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,295
Because I feel like I need all the
help I can get on a show like this,
152
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:44,695
I googled what foods you have
to make your brain sort of alert
153
00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:47,335
and because they're all
disgusting, erm,
154
00:06:47,360 --> 00:06:48,575
I didn't wanna eat them.
155
00:06:48,600 --> 00:06:51,095
So, instead, I put them on a jacket.
What have you got?
156
00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,535
Wow. OK.
And I thought maybe that would work
157
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:56,535
just to wear the foods
that help your brain.
158
00:06:56,560 --> 00:06:59,455
Wow. You look like you're going on
a Just Stop Oil protest.
159
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:01,855
LAUGHTER
160
00:07:02,920 --> 00:07:05,975
So, there's coffee on my
right shoulder, as you can see.
161
00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,935
Hold on. So, there's seeds.
There's not as many nuts and seeds.
162
00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:10,615
They're supposed to be good
for your brain.
163
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,735
There's not as many cos I got
attacked by pigeons on the way in.
164
00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:16,335
It's brain food but you're not
gonna eat it, you're gonna wear it.
165
00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:19,375
It's all horrible. Fuck, me banana.
166
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,655
I might try and do it that way.
167
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,575
LAUGHTER
168
00:07:23,600 --> 00:07:25,895
It's better. I think it's better.
169
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,175
APPLAUSE
Yeah, nice.
170
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,135
I might not keep it on
for too long cos it's warm in here.
171
00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:33,935
It looks lovely though.
And it stinks!
172
00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:35,975
Sometimes you've gotta suffer
for your fashion.
173
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:39,055
I've got an air freshener
just to give it a little bit of a...
174
00:07:39,080 --> 00:07:40,335
Ooh, sorry.
175
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,695
LAUGHTER
That came out the top.
176
00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:45,375
Oh, my God.
Have you just maced Jamal?
177
00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:48,415
It's quite a modern thing for it
to come out the end - phoar.
178
00:07:48,440 --> 00:07:50,295
There you go.
LAUGHTER
179
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,695
SHE COUGHS
Oh, God.
180
00:07:54,720 --> 00:07:56,935
EasyJet cabin crew's gone downhill.
181
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,575
Rob, what have you brought
for good luck?
182
00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:04,415
Well, do you know what I've brought,
just for a bit of old school,
183
00:08:04,440 --> 00:08:06,335
my teddy as a kid
184
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:09,495
cos sometimes it all gets
a little bit too complicated.
185
00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:12,215
I've gone, I wanna win this,
we don't normally win, do we, Joe?
186
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,575
No. But he's been with me
for, like, 38 years.
187
00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:16,655
Does he have a name?
188
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:19,015
Erm, Bear.
LAUGHTER
189
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,055
Yeah, it's just
a bit of moral support, really.
190
00:08:21,080 --> 00:08:22,975
It's quite a basic mascot,
I've gotta say.
191
00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:26,295
Yeah, but you can overthink it.
OK. Jamali, have you got a mascot?
192
00:08:26,320 --> 00:08:27,655
Yeah, erm...
CAN OPENS
193
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:29,935
One sec.
LAUGHTER
194
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:33,055
Sorry, carry on.
Is there lager in your bear?
195
00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,535
Are you allowed to drink on telly?
196
00:08:35,560 --> 00:08:38,095
Yeah, I think so. Yeah?
Susie's half-cut most of the time.
197
00:08:38,120 --> 00:08:40,415
LAUGHTER
198
00:08:40,440 --> 00:08:41,735
You put gin in there? Yup.
199
00:08:41,760 --> 00:08:43,415
Erm, no, no, it's just a bear.
200
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:46,375
I got one for Joe as well
to help him out. You did promise.
201
00:08:46,400 --> 00:08:47,895
I got a mascot for you.
202
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,375
CAN OPENS
Cheers, mate.
203
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,615
LAUGHTER
204
00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:55,415
Now it looks like you're rimming
a children's toy.
205
00:08:56,480 --> 00:08:59,535
Do you need a mascot
that's a better one?
206
00:08:59,560 --> 00:09:02,775
I've got one if you want. Yeah,
have you got a spare? Yeah, yeah.
207
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,055
LAUGHTER
208
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:07,335
But why's it got such a long neck?
209
00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:09,575
There you go.
210
00:09:13,600 --> 00:09:15,975
This feels really wrong.
211
00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,775
I mean, I feel sorry,
does anyone else need a mascot?
212
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,375
If you want, there's a...
213
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,895
LAUGHTER
214
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:25,975
Oh, that one really looks like you.
215
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,215
Yeah.
216
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:31,655
LAUGHTER
217
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:33,975
APPLAUSE
218
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,255
Feel free to send your cups down
if anyone's thirsty.
219
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,535
Rob Beckett's bears, everyone.
220
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,855
APPLAUSE
221
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,375
Jamali, have you got a mascot?
222
00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:46,455
I do have a mascot and, er,
basically what happened was,
223
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:48,855
is I was like,
I've got dyslexia and dyspraxia,
224
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:52,695
so, I was like let me use something
that I can actually use.
225
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,615
So, basically what I got was, er,
I got them to make me a,
226
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:58,135
an Al machine...
227
00:09:58,160 --> 00:09:59,415
GIGGLING
228
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,215
...made from a low budget.
229
00:10:02,240 --> 00:10:05,255
The Al Bot 3000,
that's the very latest.
230
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:08,135
It's got this stuff that means
that doesn't do anything.
231
00:10:08,160 --> 00:10:12,175
I'm just gonna use this to help me,
erm, get some answers.
232
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:14,655
So, how is this gonna help you
exactly?
233
00:10:14,680 --> 00:10:18,055
Apparently, it's gonna give me some
answers or help me with answers.
234
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,295
I think it's giving you more
questions, to be honest with you.
235
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:23,655
All right, excellent.
And, Joe, have you got a mascot?
236
00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:27,615
I do, yeah. As you probably know,
I have very flaky skin
237
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,575
and, er, it comes off in big clumps,
you'll know this.
238
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:32,215
ALL WINCE
Yeah, yeah.
239
00:10:32,240 --> 00:10:34,175
And every time it comes off
I always think,
240
00:10:34,200 --> 00:10:36,775
"Oh, it's such a shame
to just throw it away."
241
00:10:37,880 --> 00:10:40,895
Erm... Oh, God. What's your mascot?
242
00:10:40,920 --> 00:10:43,615
When bits flake off,
I've just started making them into
243
00:10:43,640 --> 00:10:45,895
these lovely, er, bookmarks.
244
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:48,215
LAUGHTER
245
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:50,175
I can't remember
what part of me flaked,
246
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,415
it was just that it was a balmy
Tuesday, that's all I remember
247
00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,735
and then I sell them
in boot sales around Kent.
248
00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,615
In the summer I really do get flaky,
249
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:04,375
so it's quite lucky cos I can then
make some of these mouse mats.
250
00:11:04,400 --> 00:11:07,055
LAUGHTER
251
00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,975
Nice. You're holding that like
we're in a fancy French restaurant.
252
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,975
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
253
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:15,415
Well, cos I wanna jazz it up
cos I'm asking seven quid for those.
254
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,895
JAMALI LAUGHS
255
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:21,735
This one's got a nipple on it,
so it doesn't really work.
256
00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,695
LAUGHTER
257
00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,935
See, I made a pouch for buttons.
258
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:30,335
And it comes with that on the back,
it's got, er...
259
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:34,815
It's got some hair
cos it came from my armpit.
260
00:11:34,840 --> 00:11:35,895
Wow.
261
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,215
And then, do you remember
we had that heatwave last summer?
262
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:39,295
I do, yeah.
263
00:11:39,320 --> 00:11:41,815
I went to pieces,
it came off in clumps
264
00:11:41,840 --> 00:11:44,855
and, er, in the end I thought
what am I gonna do with this?
265
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,815
So I ended up making myself this,
erm, this lovely poncho.
266
00:11:48,840 --> 00:11:50,775
CHUCKLING
267
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,535
Oh, God.
268
00:11:54,880 --> 00:11:56,815
What...? Sorry, what's that
on the front of it?
269
00:11:56,840 --> 00:12:01,335
Oh, yeah, it's a tattoo of the TV
show Love joy which I used to...
270
00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:03,695
Absolutely. Which I used to have
on my inner thigh.
271
00:12:03,720 --> 00:12:05,695
I feel like a manta ray.
272
00:12:05,720 --> 00:12:07,575
LAUGHTER
273
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,335
Joe Wilkinson, everyone...
what's left of him.
274
00:12:11,360 --> 00:12:13,975
APPLAUSE
275
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,895
Over in Dictionary Corner
it's Glenn Moore.
276
00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:18,175
APPLAUSE
Hello.
277
00:12:20,560 --> 00:12:22,055
Glenn is the answer to the question
278
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:25,335
what would it look like
if Clare Balding went to Hogwarts?
279
00:12:25,360 --> 00:12:27,575
LAUGHTER
280
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:33,295
We've never met. That's an
insane way to talk to a stranger.
281
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:36,375
I'm sure strangers have said it
before, haven't they?
282
00:12:36,400 --> 00:12:39,095
It's your first time on the show.
Tell us a bit about yourself.
283
00:12:39,120 --> 00:12:40,935
Well, I'm a very busy man, Jimmy.
284
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:44,095
I've recently finished a long-term
photography experiment
285
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,335
I was taking part in.
286
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,535
Basically, I took a photo of myself
every single day
287
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,295
for two days. That's all I've got.
288
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:52,535
LAUGHTER
289
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:54,895
I've been very busy.
I've been petitioning the EU.
290
00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,015
I think Gibraltar should be renamed
"Spain The Rock Johnson."
291
00:12:58,040 --> 00:12:59,495
I've been up to loads.
292
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,935
And I left the job I used to have
this year.
293
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,535
I used to be a roving reporter
294
00:13:04,560 --> 00:13:06,335
and the last job I did for it
295
00:13:06,360 --> 00:13:09,015
was I was on the red carpet
for the National Voice Over Awards.
296
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:11,575
And I got to interview
the guy that won the award
297
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,255
for best work in disguising
a witness's voice on the news.
298
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,615
But proper A-list stuff,
and I said to him,
299
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,055
"You must be delighted
with your award.”
300
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:21,095
He said, NASAL VOICE: "There
were so many people to thank.”
301
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,695
LAUGHTER
302
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,095
And with Glenn of course,
it's Susie Dent.
303
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:28,975
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
304
00:13:30,040 --> 00:13:32,775
I'm not saying Susie Dent's boring
but when she was a little girl,
305
00:13:32,800 --> 00:13:35,095
her imaginary friend
faked her own death.
306
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,815
LAUGHTER
307
00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,455
That's awful. That's so awful.
308
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:44,495
Susie, you do a lot of research.
Have you ever used Al?
309
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:47,735
I decided to experiment a bit
with ChatGPT
310
00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:52,415
and so I typed in if could give me
a good comeback to you.
311
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,255
Erm, and it said,
312
00:13:54,280 --> 00:13:56,615
"When it comes to responding to
an insult from Jimmy Carr,
313
00:13:56,640 --> 00:13:58,495
“it's important to remember
his style of humour
314
00:13:58,520 --> 00:14:00,815
"is often sharp and quick-witted.
315
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,375
"Here's a light-hearted comeback
316
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:04,735
“that could playfully match
his comedic tone."
317
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,375
Well, this sounds like
it's gonna be great.
318
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:08,895
It is.
LAUGHTER
319
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:12,015
"Oh, Jimmy,
your insults are like a fine wine,
320
00:14:12,040 --> 00:14:15,175
“"they sting at first but then
I realise they're just a bit sour
321
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:19,535
"and leave a bad aftertaste.
Cheers to your unique charm."
322
00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,535
LAUGHTER
323
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:23,415
APPLAUSE
324
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:30,655
Damn, you're gonna let her say that
to you? Yeah, you're fucked.
325
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:32,975
And in charge of the numbers
it's Rachel Riley.
326
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,575
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
327
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:40,255
Rachel recently got an MBE
from King Charles,
328
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,095
which I guess is better than getting
an STD from Prince Andrew.
329
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,935
LAUGHTER
330
00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:49,615
Rachel,
what have you been up to recently?
331
00:14:49,640 --> 00:14:52,055
I feel like all you do
when you've got two little kids
332
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:53,615
is look after two little kids
333
00:14:53,640 --> 00:14:56,055
and you have to put them
to bed every night,
334
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:57,415
and it's quite boring
335
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,655
so I've started listening to
audio books about espionage
336
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:03,295
and now I'm convinced
that my husband is a secret spy.
337
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,215
So you think you're in
a sleeper cell?
338
00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:06,255
Yeah.
339
00:15:06,280 --> 00:15:07,575
OK.
340
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,575
LAUGHTER
341
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,495
I'm a little bit sleep-deprived
from the kids,
342
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:12,935
but it just makes sense.
343
00:15:12,960 --> 00:15:14,615
You don't have to put them to bed.
344
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,935
They either find it
or pass out on the sofa.
345
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:18,455
LAUGHTER
346
00:15:18,480 --> 00:15:20,335
Social Services, if you're watching,
347
00:15:20,360 --> 00:15:22,615
Rob's moved to the country.
You'll never find him.
348
00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:25,495
Also, take them
for a couple of weeks.
349
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,975
JIMMY LAUGHS
350
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,455
You'll feel bad at the start,
five hours in, you're going,
351
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,895
"Oh, this is lovely."
Smashing through the recordings.
352
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:37,015
All right, the prize the teams will
be competing for tonight is this,
353
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,015
the Countdown Ping Pong Set.
354
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,375
WHOOPING
355
00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:49,215
LAUGHTER
There they go.
356
00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,655
Good point.
357
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,295
APPLAUSE
358
00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,775
It's that forearm.
359
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:01,295
Forgot the ball, didn't you?
360
00:16:02,760 --> 00:16:04,975
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
361
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:09,775
OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
It's time for your first game.
362
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:12,135
Er, Rob, Joe,
you get to pick the letters.
363
00:16:12,160 --> 00:16:13,575
Two vowels, please. Yup.
364
00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:16,095
O and A.
365
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,975
Er, a couple of consonants, please.
366
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,615
I hate it when you don't try and
spell a word at the top. And B, P.
367
00:16:21,640 --> 00:16:23,335
Er, two more vowels.
368
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,095
You're messing with me. E, U.
369
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,975
Hold on, if we get an S
we've got PUBES.
370
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:31,335
Oh, yes, please.
LAUGHTER
371
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:34,575
Or SPUD. Let's go all consonants,
then, try and find that S.
372
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:36,575
A, T.
373
00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,975
Ah. A final... Oh. ..R.
374
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:42,015
Use the Lookalike Cam?
We got this from the States,
375
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:46,335
they use it in big sports games. OK,
Lookalike Cam. Your time starts now.
376
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:50,495
Who have we got?
377
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,815
That's a pretty good Susie Dent,
that's not bad.
378
00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,335
JOE MOUTHS
379
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,375
Leave it, leave it, Joe.
380
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,655
JOE MOUTHS
381
00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,895
It's my uncle.
Can we go back to that?
382
00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:47,415
Can we go back to
the Rob Beckett one?
383
00:17:47,440 --> 00:17:49,735
Isn't that the pillow guy
from The Apprentice?
384
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:51,055
LAUGHTER
385
00:17:51,080 --> 00:17:52,695
Is it? It is, innit?
386
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:55,735
Hello, Tom.
What's happening, how are ya?
387
00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:57,455
LAUGHTER
388
00:17:57,480 --> 00:18:02,215
Can I ask, just cos you
guaranteed me on The Apprentice
389
00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:04,855
that this time next year
you'd be a millionaire...
390
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,135
Yeah. ..how's it going?
391
00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:08,935
I got 500 quid for tonight, so.
392
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,095
LAUGHTER
393
00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:15,575
That's a great answer, great answer,
It all counts.
394
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:18,815
Who else, who else is getting paid?
395
00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:20,655
LAUGHTER
396
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:23,135
Not me, mate, no.
397
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:24,655
All right, Rob, how many you got?
398
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:25,695
I got a six.
399
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,015
Six, OK. Joe?
400
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,535
I just wrote PUBE.
401
00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,255
OK. Sarah, how many?
402
00:18:30,280 --> 00:18:31,295
Six.
403
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:32,535
I've got seven.
404
00:18:32,560 --> 00:18:34,815
Ooh. Rob, what's your word?
405
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:35,855
I've got BOTHER.
406
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:37,095
Sarah, your six.
407
00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:39,375
BOATER, like a straw boater.
408
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,655
Yeah. Jamal, your seven.
409
00:18:41,680 --> 00:18:43,935
Er, PROBATE as in probate.
410
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:46,295
Thanks for clearing that up.
411
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,535
I think it's got something to do
with tax.
412
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:51,815
I don't want to discuss that.
413
00:18:51,840 --> 00:18:54,135
There you go, my bad, that time.
414
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:57,895
It's about a will. OK, this was you
or the Al Bot 30007
415
00:18:57,920 --> 00:18:59,895
This was, yeah, it was the machine.
416
00:18:59,920 --> 00:19:02,815
So, what's happening
now that he's just got this machine
417
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,535
and he's just being fed
the answers?
418
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,175
Is this the future for us all
essentially?
419
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:07,895
Al's gonna be taking over,
yeah, I mean...
420
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:09,895
Well, shall we just declare
the machine the winner
421
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,455
and we all just go home?
422
00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:14,775
Yeah.
We could also smash the studio up.
423
00:19:15,600 --> 00:19:18,335
Watch Al try and fix that.
424
00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:22,855
Al's gonna sort everything out
until an actual job needs doing,
425
00:19:22,880 --> 00:19:25,175
it's gonna do all the pretend jobs
people do in offices.
426
00:19:25,200 --> 00:19:28,095
But if you need to tarmac a drive,
427
00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,895
your laptop's not gonna be like,
"Here I go.”
428
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,135
Like, walking towards it.
429
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,255
You've never tarmacked a drive,
have you?
430
00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:38,495
No.
431
00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,495
Seven points to Jamali and Sarah.
432
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,095
APPLAUSE
Fair play. Fair play.
433
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,335
Well done. We got away with it.
434
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,655
Glenn, Susie, could they have done
any better?
435
00:19:48,680 --> 00:19:51,015
They could have also matched it
with OUTHEAR.
436
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:52,495
To hear better than anyone else.
437
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:54,135
OK, onto our first numbers round.
438
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:55,655
Sarah, Jamal, pick the numbers.
439
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,735
All big.
440
00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:57,855
No. No?
441
00:19:57,880 --> 00:20:00,455
No. I'm the team captain.
You've got the Al Bot anyway.
442
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:02,455
Yeah, all big,
the biggest we can get.
443
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:04,175
Let's see what this Bot can do.
444
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:05,255
OK, all small.
445
00:20:05,280 --> 00:20:07,295
No!
LAUGHTER
446
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:09,215
Chuck a couple of vowels in there
for me.
447
00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,695
LAUGHTER
448
00:20:10,720 --> 00:20:12,255
HE CHUCKLES
449
00:20:12,280 --> 00:20:15,175
A bit of both? A bit of both?
All right, can we do this?
450
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:18,615
Can we pretend we're mixing it,
but actually just do it all big?
451
00:20:18,640 --> 00:20:20,615
LAUGHTER
452
00:20:20,640 --> 00:20:22,975
I can give you four big.
Yeah. And two little.
453
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:25,495
Look... No, there's only four
big ones, Jamali.
454
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,935
What the fuck is this?
We have to have two little ones.
455
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:30,535
Here we go. Of the little ones
we've got 10 and 9.
456
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:32,855
And you're only allowed
to use them once, ain't ya? Yeah.
457
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,775
50, 25,
458
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:37,015
100, 75.
459
00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:40,335
And the target, 914.
460
00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:43,015
And your time starts...
461
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:44,015
now.
462
00:20:56,840 --> 00:20:59,215
Interesting bit of kit
the Al Bot 3000, isn't it?
463
00:20:59,240 --> 00:21:00,335
Not bad.
464
00:21:14,960 --> 00:21:17,255
LAUGHTER
465
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:21,015
OK, so the target was 914.
Did you get it, Rob?
466
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:22,575
Well, no.
467
00:21:22,600 --> 00:21:25,455
I got 900 and then
I've just realised there's a 10,
468
00:21:25,480 --> 00:21:27,215
so, I could have got ten closer.
469
00:21:28,240 --> 00:21:29,295
Joe, did you get it?
470
00:21:29,320 --> 00:21:31,175
I got 913.
471
00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:34,695
Sarah, did you get it?
No, 918, really far away.
472
00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,695
Ah, guess who got
really close to it?
473
00:21:36,720 --> 00:21:37,815
Who got really close? You?
474
00:21:37,840 --> 00:21:38,855
915.
475
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:40,135
I bet Rachel gets it.
476
00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:42,775
Mm-hm. Jesus, what the fuck
are you doing in there?
477
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:45,055
LAUGHTER
478
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:46,055
Is there someone in there?
479
00:21:46,080 --> 00:21:48,295
No, it's an Al machine.
480
00:21:49,240 --> 00:21:50,615
There's a person in that box.
481
00:21:50,640 --> 00:21:51,935
Rob, there's no person.
482
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:53,295
That's human trafficking.
483
00:21:53,320 --> 00:21:54,975
No.
484
00:21:55,000 --> 00:21:58,455
That's not allowed.
No, he gets well fed and homed.
485
00:21:58,480 --> 00:21:59,935
Did you genuinely get 9137
486
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:02,255
Yeah, I did.
Go on, how did you get that?
487
00:22:02,280 --> 00:22:03,695
9 x 100.
488
00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:05,095
900. Plus 10.
489
00:22:05,120 --> 00:22:06,335
910.
490
00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,375
75 divided by 25.
491
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,695
Is 3, Yeah. Correct. Ah, well done.
492
00:22:11,720 --> 00:22:14,415
Nice. One away.
APPLAUSE
493
00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:17,415
Jamali, how did you get 915?
494
00:22:17,440 --> 00:22:20,655
Basically, I did 100 + 10,
495
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:22,935
times that by 9,
496
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,495
take away 75.
497
00:22:24,520 --> 00:22:25,535
Yeah.
498
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,175
Seven points to both teams.
499
00:22:27,200 --> 00:22:29,575
CHEERING
500
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,455
Rachel, show us how you got 914,
501
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,975
but try and just do it
like it was difficult for you.
502
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:38,855
OK. Can we also say
none of that brackets shit?
503
00:22:38,880 --> 00:22:40,815
LAUGHTER
504
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:41,855
100...
505
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:44,455
Here comes the bracket. ..times 10.
506
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:48,415
1,000. Take away 75. 925.
507
00:22:48,440 --> 00:22:50,135
Take away 9, 916.
508
00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,815
And you've got 50 over 25 left,
no brackets.
509
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,495
APPLAUSE
510
00:22:57,560 --> 00:23:00,055
OK, so, Rob and Joe
have seven points,
511
00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,335
Sarah and Jamali have 14.
512
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:04,375
APPLAUSE
513
00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:07,015
And here is your teaser.
The words are MEDOCRAP
514
00:23:07,040 --> 00:23:09,015
and the clue is,
mine's bigger than yours.
515
00:23:09,040 --> 00:23:11,495
That's MEDOCRAP, mine's bigger
than yours. See you after the break.
516
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,735
APPLAUSE
517
00:23:22,360 --> 00:23:24,815
APPLAUSE
518
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:30,375
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were MEDOCRAP,
519
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,095
the clue was mine's bigger
than yours.
520
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,815
It was of course, COMPARED.
521
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,775
So, Sarah and Jamali are in the lead.
522
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,895
They've been playing in teams, but
this game is just for Rob and Sarah.
523
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:41,455
It's team captain
versus team captain.
524
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:43,135
Oh, God.
OK, Sarah, your turn to choose.
525
00:23:43,160 --> 00:23:46,255
Could I have a couple of vowels
to start with, if that's all right?
526
00:23:46,280 --> 00:23:48,535
A, O.
527
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:49,815
# A-O. #
528
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,335
A couple of consonants,
please, Rachel.
529
00:23:51,360 --> 00:23:53,895
S. K.
530
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,095
#S-K. #
531
00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:57,135
LAUGHTER
532
00:23:57,160 --> 00:23:59,415
Two more consonants, please.
533
00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:01,735
T.D.
534
00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:03,615
Two more vowels, please.
535
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:05,495
Yeah, please. And one consonant.
536
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:06,775
I. E.
537
00:24:06,800 --> 00:24:08,455
# I-E. # I-E.
538
00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:11,015
R. # R. # Thank you.
539
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,775
All right,
I might do some Scottish dancing.
540
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:15,855
Erm, your time starts...
541
00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:16,895
now.
542
00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:20,615
BAGPIPES PLAY SCOTLAND THE BRAVE
543
00:24:47,360 --> 00:24:50,295
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
544
00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:54,615
Sarah, what have you got?
545
00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,095
I've only got a five.
546
00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:57,935
I've got a six.
Although, hold on, hold on.
547
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:00,455
No, no, no. Jamali's not playing.
I might have changed my mind.
548
00:25:00,480 --> 00:25:01,935
No, no, you haven't.
549
00:25:02,960 --> 00:25:05,255
I've got a five.
550
00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:08,055
I've got a six. You've got a six.
OK, Sarah, let's hear your five.
551
00:25:08,080 --> 00:25:09,655
TIERS. Er, Rob, your six.
552
00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,335
Er, I've got SOAKER.
A SOAKER is absolutely fine.
553
00:25:13,360 --> 00:25:15,775
Oh, you teased me there, Susie.
554
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:17,215
Yeah.
555
00:25:17,240 --> 00:25:19,575
You looked like it weren't
going to be in your book.
556
00:25:19,600 --> 00:25:21,295
Dictionary, dictionary.
What? Dictionary.
557
00:25:21,320 --> 00:25:23,175
In the dictionary. Yes, in my...
558
00:25:23,200 --> 00:25:25,495
LAUGHTER
It is a book.
559
00:25:25,520 --> 00:25:27,215
OK. Seven points to Rob.
560
00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:28,695
APPLAUSE
561
00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:34,095
It's difficult isn't it, winning?
Really hard. Are we winning?
562
00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:35,535
I wouldn't get carried away.
563
00:25:35,560 --> 00:25:38,175
Yeah, but they've got
some poor bloke stuck in a box
564
00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:40,135
and still... Still losing to me.
565
00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,455
You should be fucking ashamed
of yourself!
566
00:25:42,480 --> 00:25:43,535
LAUGHTER
567
00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,895
I would normally ask
if they could do any better,
568
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,895
but I think Rachel has beaten you
to the punch.
569
00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:51,135
Oh, ASTEROID. Oh, wow.
That is good. Yeah.
570
00:25:53,080 --> 00:25:55,655
There is another eight, Susie's
written DORKIEST. Was that just to me?
571
00:25:55,680 --> 00:25:57,175
No, it was to Jimmy. All right.
572
00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:59,495
Do you mind me asking, Glenn,
how old are you?
573
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:01,855
I'm 34. What did you think?
574
00:26:01,880 --> 00:26:04,455
I was gonna say 55-year-old or 12.
575
00:26:04,480 --> 00:26:07,735
No, he looks like,
you know them massive 14-year-olds?
576
00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:10,055
LAUGHTER
577
00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,775
When you're on holiday and you
see 'em come out the kids club -
578
00:26:12,800 --> 00:26:14,735
"Who's that?"
579
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:16,335
But it's good, you look young.
580
00:26:16,360 --> 00:26:19,935
Great. You don't wanna look young? I can
still go to the kids club, I love a slide.
581
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:21,015
LAUGHTER
582
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,415
OK, so at the end of that
Rob and Joe have 13,
583
00:26:23,440 --> 00:26:25,055
Sarah and Jamali have 14.
584
00:26:25,080 --> 00:26:26,935
We're still in it.
we're still in it!
585
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,655
They've got a computer.
586
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,055
Let the games begin. It's time for
Joe and Jamali to go head-to-head
587
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,415
with the numbers.
Joe, your turn to pick.
588
00:26:35,440 --> 00:26:38,055
OK, may I have...
Yeah. ..er, whatever what you'd like
589
00:26:38,080 --> 00:26:40,295
but 100 and a 10, please?
590
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:42,695
You can make ten out of these.
591
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,655
Nope, pop 'em back.
592
00:26:47,240 --> 00:26:50,255
"Pop 'em back.” Find a 10, find 100
593
00:26:50,280 --> 00:26:53,055
and then enjoy the rest.
You got 'em?
594
00:26:53,080 --> 00:26:54,655
No. Keep looking.
595
00:26:54,680 --> 00:26:56,415
LAUGHTER
596
00:26:56,440 --> 00:27:00,775
And if there's another big one, 50,
I can't do anything with a 75.
597
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,615
LAUGHTER
598
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,495
You've got your 10. Bonus 10.
Lovely, another ten. Keep going.
599
00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:06,655
Oh, yes.
600
00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:08,575
4. Yes, happy with that.
601
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,015
I like this. 77 A little bit
pissed off but it's fine.
602
00:27:11,040 --> 00:27:12,335
LAUGHTER
603
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:14,655
50. Lovely.
50, well played, well played.
604
00:27:14,680 --> 00:27:17,535
100. Ah, and about 710.
605
00:27:17,560 --> 00:27:19,815
LAUGHTER
606
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,655
Good luck, everyone. 938.
Your time starts now.
607
00:27:24,680 --> 00:27:26,695
Lx7is...
608
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,215
Let's think about this.
609
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:33,215
Let's think about this.
610
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:35,055
Don't rush me!
611
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:38,855
OK, I'm panicking now,
I'm panicking.
612
00:27:40,040 --> 00:27:42,295
Yeah, yeah, hold on,
we're doing this.
613
00:27:46,440 --> 00:27:50,735
Right, OK, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.
614
00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:55,455
Joe, did you get it?
615
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:56,735
Yep, bang on.
616
00:27:56,760 --> 00:27:58,255
Jamali, did you get it?
617
00:27:58,280 --> 00:28:00,615
I'm still working it out...
I think you did.
618
00:28:00,640 --> 00:28:02,495
Oh, I did. Oh, yeah.
LAUGHTER
619
00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:05,295
Yeah, I got it, I got close enough.
620
00:28:05,320 --> 00:28:06,495
What did you get, Jamali?
621
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,855
Well, by myself I got 943,
but with the Bot I got 940.
622
00:28:09,880 --> 00:28:11,535
OK, Joe, how did you get it?
623
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:13,975
OK, so let's just throw 100 in.
Enjoy ourselves.
624
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:15,855
That's a good start.
You can still do it.
625
00:28:15,880 --> 00:28:18,855
Times 10. That's a ten, right?
626
00:28:18,880 --> 00:28:19,935
Yeah. Times 10.
627
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,775
The fact she paused there doesn't
fill you with confidence, does it?
628
00:28:22,800 --> 00:28:24,255
Minus 50.
629
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:25,695
If you want.
630
00:28:26,720 --> 00:28:28,615
Minus ten. That's looking lovely.
631
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,455
Minus ten.
What we got left, out of interest?
632
00:28:30,480 --> 00:28:32,895
You've got 7 and 4
and you need to find 2.
633
00:28:32,920 --> 00:28:34,535
OK, can you do that bit for me?
634
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:35,935
LAUGHTER
635
00:28:35,960 --> 00:28:38,735
Jamali, how did you do it?
How did you get 9407
636
00:28:38,760 --> 00:28:41,775
10 x 100.
Sounds like you're copying, mate.
637
00:28:41,800 --> 00:28:44,095
Then take away 50.
638
00:28:44,120 --> 00:28:46,015
Yeah. Oh, that seems
pretty obvious, yeah.
639
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:49,135
And then add 7. Take away 4.
640
00:28:49,160 --> 00:28:50,935
That's not 940. No, take away 7.
641
00:28:50,960 --> 00:28:54,735
Take away 7. There's so many pieces
of paper, I'm just confused.
642
00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:57,095
He's out, he's out.
He's blown it, he's blown it.
643
00:28:57,120 --> 00:29:00,935
No points to anyone and let's agree
we drop the maths round in future.
644
00:29:00,960 --> 00:29:02,655
No-one likes it.
645
00:29:02,680 --> 00:29:06,215
APPLAUSE
Oh, what? No-one's favourite bit.
646
00:29:07,840 --> 00:29:09,375
Rachel, could it be done?
647
00:29:09,400 --> 00:29:11,695
50+ 10+ 7 =67.
648
00:29:11,720 --> 00:29:14,015
No, no, no. 10 + 4 = 14.
No, pack it in.
649
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:16,495
14 x 67 = 938.
650
00:29:16,520 --> 00:29:20,815
Oh! It's that easy. It's that easy.
APPLAUSE
651
00:29:22,160 --> 00:29:24,695
OK, time now to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
652
00:29:24,720 --> 00:29:26,175
Glenn, what have you got for us?
653
00:29:26,200 --> 00:29:28,535
Ah, well,
I used to work as a journalist.
654
00:29:28,560 --> 00:29:31,055
I used to sort of investigate
various sorts of major figures
655
00:29:31,080 --> 00:29:33,495
and so I found,
over the course of my career,
656
00:29:33,520 --> 00:29:36,855
lots of private diaries from
famous people, historical figures
657
00:29:36,880 --> 00:29:39,215
and just naturally did
what everyone else would do
658
00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,175
and just taken purely
just the sexy bits.
659
00:29:41,200 --> 00:29:44,375
Erm, so this is the new genre
of erotic non-fiction,
660
00:29:44,400 --> 00:29:47,335
erm, and this is the diary
from Margaret Thatcher.
661
00:29:47,360 --> 00:29:48,935
LAUGHTER
662
00:29:48,960 --> 00:29:51,295
"The life of a prime minister
is not a sexy one
663
00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:53,215
"but let me tell you about
an experience I had
664
00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:56,855
"that explains why I was only
getting four hours' sleep a night.
665
00:29:56,880 --> 00:29:59,215
"It was hard to date other MPs
in the '80s,
666
00:29:59,240 --> 00:30:01,535
"you couldn't send a dick pic
or a scrota-graph...
667
00:30:01,560 --> 00:30:03,655
LAUGHTER
668
00:30:03,680 --> 00:30:06,695
"..you had to walk 20 miles every
day to find hot singles in your area.
669
00:30:06,720 --> 00:30:09,175
"We were always advised
not to date other politicians.
670
00:30:09,200 --> 00:30:13,175
"I was told not to by Dennis Denise
from the Repetition Party Party.
671
00:30:13,200 --> 00:30:16,295
"He said dating, dating an, an,
MP, MP would, would be, be
672
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,175
"making, making, a, a serious,
serious, boo-boo, boo-boo.
673
00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,895
"But my eyes weren't on an MP.
674
00:30:21,920 --> 00:30:23,935
"I'd gotten over
my Michael Foot fetish
675
00:30:23,960 --> 00:30:26,295
"and there was one
international politician
676
00:30:26,320 --> 00:30:28,655
"who was the talk of the Commons,
President Ronald Reagan.
677
00:30:28,680 --> 00:30:31,375
"Rumour had it that Reagan
could undo a woman's bra
678
00:30:31,400 --> 00:30:33,815
"with just one scissors.
679
00:30:33,840 --> 00:30:35,775
LAUGHTER
680
00:30:35,800 --> 00:30:37,775
"And also, like,
you know that rumour
681
00:30:37,800 --> 00:30:39,735
"that Prince had two ribs
surgically removed
682
00:30:39,760 --> 00:30:42,815
"so he could suck his own dick,
683
00:30:42,840 --> 00:30:45,375
"apparently Reagan had two added
just so he'd stop.
684
00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,615
LAUGHTER
685
00:30:49,600 --> 00:30:51,935
"He'd started sending me
coded love letters in French,
686
00:30:51,960 --> 00:30:54,295
"but I couldn't understand them,
I don't know much French,
687
00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:56,295
"I know it's not French mustard,
it's called Dijon mustard,
688
00:30:56,320 --> 00:30:59,055
"and I can say things in French
like, 'I would like two baguettes,'
689
00:30:59,080 --> 00:31:02,095
"but apparently
that's still English.
690
00:31:02,120 --> 00:31:04,455
"We were to meet on a Friday
in the summer,
691
00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:06,775
"a sunny day where you could see
all the marigolds in bloom
692
00:31:06,800 --> 00:31:09,655
"and all the Jeff Golds-in-blum.
693
00:31:09,680 --> 00:31:12,575
JIMMY LAUGHS
694
00:31:12,600 --> 00:31:14,935
"He was going to come
to my bedroom at Number 10.
695
00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:17,295
"I was terrified, I hadn't had
a casual encounter like this
696
00:31:17,320 --> 00:31:19,655
"since I'd been on my gap year
backpacking around Surrey.
697
00:31:20,800 --> 00:31:22,695
"I dragged him into Number 10
by his tie
698
00:31:22,720 --> 00:31:25,255
"and went to the bathroom
to powder my arsehole.
699
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:27,895
"With confidence
I walked out of that bathroom
700
00:31:27,920 --> 00:31:29,535
"and we Dijon kissed.
701
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:32,535
"Ronald pulled away,
flirting with me even more.
702
00:31:32,560 --> 00:31:34,535
"I'm not wearing any underwear',
he said.
703
00:31:34,560 --> 00:31:36,815
"'Why, did you shit yourself?'
704
00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:38,735
LAUGHTER
705
00:31:38,760 --> 00:31:40,655
"The conversation throughout
was pretty scant.
706
00:31:40,680 --> 00:31:43,535
"At one point I asked,
'How old are you?' '75', he said.
707
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:45,775
"'Good', I said, 'I hate "miners".'
708
00:31:49,920 --> 00:31:51,815
"And with that we were at it again.
709
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:53,375
"Sex so damaging and destructive
710
00:31:53,400 --> 00:31:55,695
"that the IRA claimed responsibility
for it."
711
00:31:55,720 --> 00:31:58,015
LAUGHTER
712
00:31:58,040 --> 00:31:59,095
APPLAUSE
713
00:31:59,120 --> 00:32:03,495
Glenn Moore's erotic non-fiction.
And here is your teaser.
714
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:07,535
The words are SNOGSTIP
the clue is show me the way.
715
00:32:07,560 --> 00:32:10,295
That's SNOGSTIP, show me the way.
See you after the break.
716
00:32:10,320 --> 00:32:12,175
APPLAUSE
717
00:32:21,280 --> 00:32:23,775
APPLAUSE
718
00:32:26,080 --> 00:32:28,575
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were SNOGSTIP,
719
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,535
the clue was show me the way.
720
00:32:30,560 --> 00:32:34,335
It was of course, SIGNPOST. OK,
before we go on, a quick bonus round.
721
00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:36,695
Playing Countdown can be
incredibly stressful.
722
00:32:36,720 --> 00:32:39,575
We're gonna let the players chill out
a bit with the Relaxation Round.
723
00:32:39,600 --> 00:32:41,255
MAN: Ooh!
724
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:43,855
LAUGHTER
725
00:32:43,880 --> 00:32:45,575
Bring on the masseuses, please.
726
00:32:45,600 --> 00:32:47,415
Rob, how do you like to relax?
727
00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:50,175
Well, I've started
gatecrashing funerals...
728
00:32:50,200 --> 00:32:52,095
LAUGHTER
729
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:54,055
...cos it's very quiet
and chilled out,
730
00:32:54,080 --> 00:32:57,455
a free bit of food
and no-one checks your invite.
731
00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:58,615
Oh, hello.
732
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:01,935
That's quite nice actually.
I don't like mine.
733
00:33:03,800 --> 00:33:06,255
This is great.
Sarah, what do you find relaxing?
734
00:33:06,280 --> 00:33:07,615
Er... JOE: Oh, fuck off!
735
00:33:07,640 --> 00:33:09,935
... Relax, you'll enjoy it then.
736
00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:11,935
I'm sure you're a nice fella
but your thumb,
737
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:14,295
I just wanna tear it off.
738
00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:16,615
Ow, you... Sorry, Sarah.
I forgot what you asked,
739
00:33:16,640 --> 00:33:19,455
I'm having a small orgasm.
740
00:33:19,480 --> 00:33:20,535
Arsehole.
741
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:23,095
Joe, is this the first time you've
been touched by another human?
742
00:33:25,120 --> 00:33:28,655
I feel like that thumb went
inside me. Oh, that's good. Ow.
743
00:33:28,680 --> 00:33:32,095
Are you trying to get his PIN number
off him? I feel I'm being attacked.
744
00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:35,215
Oh, this is so nice. Why don't
we do this every show, Jimmy?
745
00:33:35,240 --> 00:33:38,575
We should run a relaxation special. This is
lovely, I'm gonna turn round in a minute.
746
00:33:38,600 --> 00:33:40,135
Joe, what...?
747
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:43,335
Joe, what makes you relaxed?
748
00:33:43,360 --> 00:33:46,335
Ah! Well, I think ours
are a bit harder.
749
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:50,695
It's actually hurting now.
It was quite nice at the start.
750
00:33:50,720 --> 00:33:53,735
This guy's got metal thumbs.
751
00:33:53,760 --> 00:33:56,735
Oh, my God.
Are we allowed to punch 'em?
752
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,015
What the fuck? Get away from me.
753
00:34:02,520 --> 00:34:04,375
What the fuck?!
754
00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:09,415
You're an absolute monster.
Oh, my God.
755
00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,815
Joe, hands down. We have to
do that again for the camera.
756
00:34:11,840 --> 00:34:13,455
What do you mean?
757
00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:17,455
No, we have to. I'm just gonna
say it, fuck the program me.
758
00:34:18,520 --> 00:34:20,935
Hands on the desk,
we have to do that again.
759
00:34:20,960 --> 00:34:23,415
Honestly I... We have to.
I'm not even joking, I may shit.
760
00:34:24,440 --> 00:34:26,015
It's so horrible!
761
00:34:29,440 --> 00:34:30,575
Jamali, you doing OK?
762
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:32,015
I don't know.
763
00:34:33,720 --> 00:34:36,055
Ah!
I get what you're saying though,
764
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,815
it does make you wanna do
a shit, innit? Yeah.
765
00:34:39,160 --> 00:34:41,495
OK, Joe, could you pick the letters?
766
00:34:41,520 --> 00:34:44,055
Nine of the fuckers,
just move, move.
767
00:34:45,120 --> 00:34:46,895
N. Have we really got to play
while...?
768
00:34:46,920 --> 00:34:48,335
You've gotta play
while this is happening.
769
00:34:48,360 --> 00:34:50,655
A. Oh, my God.
N, A, these are good.
770
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,335
G.N, A G.
771
00:34:52,360 --> 00:34:54,695
I. I'm gonna sit up for a bit.
Go on, move on.
772
00:34:54,720 --> 00:34:58,375
C. Oh, they're really strong.
N. Is this like a deep tissue?
773
00:34:58,400 --> 00:35:00,615
Ah. U. My guy's just pinching me.
774
00:35:01,640 --> 00:35:03,135
E.
775
00:35:03,160 --> 00:35:04,895
I'm having a lovely time.
776
00:35:04,920 --> 00:35:06,655
And F. OK, and your time starts...
777
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:07,975
Argh!
778
00:35:10,400 --> 00:35:12,655
What was that, Rob? What was that?
779
00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:14,255
I was... Aargh!
780
00:35:15,320 --> 00:35:18,215
OK, it's time now for
the Countdown Relaxation Round.
781
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:20,495
Your time starts now.
782
00:35:20,520 --> 00:35:22,495
RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS
783
00:35:22,520 --> 00:35:24,815
MAN: Ooh, breathe.
784
00:35:25,840 --> 00:35:27,535
Breathe again.
785
00:35:27,560 --> 00:35:28,575
Keep breathing.
786
00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:30,815
Aargh! You son of a...!
787
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:36,175
Ooh.
788
00:35:36,200 --> 00:35:38,015
Ooh. Relax.
789
00:35:38,040 --> 00:35:39,335
Relax.
790
00:35:39,360 --> 00:35:41,655
Ooh! Relax. This is really hard.
791
00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:44,975
Oh, God, it's so hard
to concentrate.
792
00:35:45,000 --> 00:35:46,015
Relax!
793
00:35:46,040 --> 00:35:48,295
JOE MOANS
794
00:35:48,320 --> 00:35:52,175
Ooh. I can't... Relax.
795
00:35:54,280 --> 00:35:56,935
Well, I like the fact that we've got
the massage guns out now.
796
00:35:56,960 --> 00:35:59,175
Down? No.
797
00:36:00,080 --> 00:36:02,015
Well, it's... Oh, bloody hell.
798
00:36:02,040 --> 00:36:03,615
It goes faster than that.
799
00:36:03,640 --> 00:36:05,935
JOE: Urgh. Well, I've got
a similar thing at home.
800
00:36:07,680 --> 00:36:09,935
What's it like using a smaller one?
801
00:36:09,960 --> 00:36:13,015
LAUGHTER
802
00:36:14,080 --> 00:36:15,775
You know it doesn't matter
the size, Rob.
803
00:36:15,800 --> 00:36:18,095
No, just as long as it's got
15 speed settings.
804
00:36:18,120 --> 00:36:19,495
Yeah, look at that.
805
00:36:19,520 --> 00:36:22,335
Ooh. Jamal, do you need him
to stop? No, I'm all right, man.
806
00:36:22,360 --> 00:36:23,935
OK, all right. So, Joe, how many?
807
00:36:23,960 --> 00:36:25,095
Two.
808
00:36:26,960 --> 00:36:28,255
Rob, how many? Four.
809
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,535
A four. Sarah?
810
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:32,815
LAUGHTER
811
00:36:32,840 --> 00:36:34,615
I've got a tricky five.
812
00:36:34,640 --> 00:36:36,655
A tricky five. Jamali, how many?
813
00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,375
I forgot to cheat, so, four.
814
00:36:39,440 --> 00:36:41,695
All right. So what's your two?
815
00:36:41,720 --> 00:36:42,735
UN.
816
00:36:42,760 --> 00:36:45,055
LAUGHTER
817
00:36:45,080 --> 00:36:46,575
Rob, your four?
818
00:36:46,600 --> 00:36:47,615
GAIN.
819
00:36:47,640 --> 00:36:48,695
Ugh. GAIN.
820
00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:50,735
My guy is so strong.
821
00:36:50,760 --> 00:36:53,855
I know. He could snap my neck
and kill me if he wanted.
822
00:36:53,880 --> 00:36:55,575
I'll give you 200 quid.
823
00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:00,295
I'll give you 210 not to.
824
00:37:00,320 --> 00:37:01,975
Sarah, what's your five?
825
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:03,935
Erm, it's a tricky five. Go on.
WHIRRING
826
00:37:03,960 --> 00:37:07,015
You know when people...? I'm sorry,
it's really loud, isn't it?
827
00:37:07,040 --> 00:37:10,375
Sarah, can I ask a question? It's
gonna help me in my married life.
828
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:13,135
Do nipples need to be vibrated on,
is that a thing?
829
00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,575
Well, I didn't know until tonight,
but, yes, they do, flower.
830
00:37:17,000 --> 00:37:18,615
Big recommend.
831
00:37:18,640 --> 00:37:21,895
You know when somebody's smoking
and they're not supposed to be.
832
00:37:21,920 --> 00:37:23,415
Mm-hm. And they quickly hide it,
833
00:37:23,440 --> 00:37:25,695
like magic, but with an F, FAGIC.
834
00:37:26,920 --> 00:37:28,495
This is outrageous.
835
00:37:28,520 --> 00:37:32,055
It's not, it's fucking amazing.
I can't take my eyes off it.
836
00:37:32,080 --> 00:37:36,375
I know we're on TV but Sarah's
actually putting that on her vagina.
837
00:37:37,840 --> 00:37:39,775
Have you got any wet wipes?
838
00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:45,015
Gee, this is filth. You see, this is
the same as I'm like at home,
839
00:37:45,040 --> 00:37:49,335
I never do any of the lower levels.
You just go straight to full on!
840
00:37:50,680 --> 00:37:53,175
It's on six. FAGIC's not a word.
FAGIC is not a word.
841
00:37:53,200 --> 00:37:55,535
What's your four, Jamal?
Thanks for checking though. NANG.
842
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:58,295
NANG? Yeah.
Is NANG in there, is NANG there?
843
00:37:58,320 --> 00:38:00,855
NANG? Oh, it's not
in the printed dictionary,
844
00:38:00,880 --> 00:38:03,255
but it's definitely
in the online dictionary.
845
00:38:03,280 --> 00:38:05,575
I think I might have
won that round and...
846
00:38:05,600 --> 00:38:07,215
I can't believe we're still here.
847
00:38:08,280 --> 00:38:11,575
All it needs is two people
to be sort of physically abused
848
00:38:11,600 --> 00:38:13,895
and a woman to use a vibrator
and I can win.
849
00:38:13,920 --> 00:38:15,055
Four points to Rob.
850
00:38:15,080 --> 00:38:16,815
GAIN!
APPLAUSE
851
00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:24,335
Amazing. OK, Glenn, Susie,
what could they have had?
852
00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:26,775
Er, for seven they could have had
FENCING or FINANCE.
853
00:38:26,800 --> 00:38:27,855
Wonderful.
854
00:38:27,880 --> 00:38:30,495
At the moment I can tell you
that Sarah and Jamali have 14,
855
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:32,295
Joe and Rob have 17.
856
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:34,055
APPLAUSE
We won.
857
00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,975
OK, time to go again
to Dictionary Corner.
858
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:39,495
Glenn, what have you got for us?
859
00:38:39,520 --> 00:38:41,935
Thanks. I've got here
the diary of King Henry VIII.
860
00:38:41,960 --> 00:38:45,415
"Dear Diary, I've had a chequered
history of relationships.
861
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,775
"My love life famously goes
divorce, beheaded, died,
862
00:38:47,800 --> 00:38:50,135
"divorced, beheaded
and that's it so far.
863
00:38:50,160 --> 00:38:52,895
"Well, I found romance in the
most unexpected of places last night
864
00:38:52,920 --> 00:38:54,415
"in the kitchens of Hampton Court.
865
00:38:54,440 --> 00:38:56,335
"A scullery maid Brenda
was toiling away
866
00:38:56,360 --> 00:38:58,695
"and something about her
immediately caught my eye.
867
00:38:58,720 --> 00:39:00,495
"I fired out
the regal chat-up lines.
868
00:39:00,520 --> 00:39:01,855
"Hey, gal, you must be tired
869
00:39:01,880 --> 00:39:04,175
"because I make you work
19-hour days.
870
00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:06,735
"I asked her what she was cooking,
871
00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:09,415
"It's your favourite, loads.'
872
00:39:09,440 --> 00:39:12,055
LAUGHTER
873
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,735
"God, she really was the best thing
since an intact loaf of bread.
874
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:21,255
"A perfect mouthful of teeth -
three.
875
00:39:21,280 --> 00:39:23,175
"Skin as white as milk,
876
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:25,695
"smell as smell as milk.
877
00:39:25,720 --> 00:39:28,535
"Could a King really romance
a pauper? I decided to go for it.
878
00:39:28,560 --> 00:39:30,575
"Before you knew it
we were getting down and dirty.
879
00:39:30,600 --> 00:39:33,815
"We did it everywhere,
bedroom, maze, the gift shop.
880
00:39:33,840 --> 00:39:36,175
"At first...
LAUGHTER
881
00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,535
"At first, Brenda looked perturbed
at seeing my naked form.
882
00:39:38,560 --> 00:39:40,895
"I couldn't help but see her
uneasily looking at my groin.
883
00:39:40,920 --> 00:39:43,255
"'Apologies', I said,
'I'm a little rough around the edges
884
00:39:43,280 --> 00:39:45,535
"and I wear a little ruff
around the edges.'
885
00:39:46,400 --> 00:39:48,215
"I asked her to allow me
to freshen up,
886
00:39:48,240 --> 00:39:49,855
"which in these days
involves trimming my beard
887
00:39:49,880 --> 00:39:53,215
"and removing the bucket of shit
from under my bed.
888
00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:55,575
"I realised what she'd been
uneasily looking at,
889
00:39:55,600 --> 00:39:57,975
"I had a genital piercing so good
that my
890
00:39:58,000 --> 00:40:00,775
"great-great-great-great-great-
granddaughter's husband was named after it.
891
00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,415
LAUGHTER
892
00:40:02,440 --> 00:40:04,775
"Now, this being the Tudor period
we didn't have condoms,
893
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:07,055
"so, this heroin was really hurting
my stomach.
894
00:40:09,360 --> 00:40:11,375
"We relocated to the maze,
running naked towards it.
895
00:40:11,400 --> 00:40:13,215
"She tastefully covered herself
with a sheet,
896
00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:16,415
"but it was a sheet of A4 paper
so I could still see her tits.
897
00:40:17,680 --> 00:40:19,175
"Afterwards, I said
longingly to her,
898
00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:20,935
"if I could rearrange the alphabet.
899
00:40:20,960 --> 00:40:24,175
"And she interrupted me and said,
'What's the alphabet?'
900
00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:26,655
"Just hours later we were at it
again in the gift shop.
901
00:40:26,680 --> 00:40:29,415
"She suggested the position.
'Missionary?' I declined.
902
00:40:29,440 --> 00:40:31,815
"The church is quite difficult
for me to talk about right now.
903
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,815
"We had a wonderful time
and not 20 minutes later
904
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:39,815
"but two minutes later, we lay
exhausted on the gift shop floor.
905
00:40:39,840 --> 00:40:42,175
"I had to clean myself up
with a tea towel
906
00:40:42,200 --> 00:40:44,855
"that had all my grandparents on it
and the dates that they died.
907
00:40:46,560 --> 00:40:48,335
"Diary, I've decided
to see her again.
908
00:40:48,360 --> 00:40:50,895
"I mean, when did a royal ginger
sleeping with a normal person
909
00:40:50,920 --> 00:40:53,215
"have any insane
fucking repercussions?”
910
00:40:53,240 --> 00:40:55,535
LAUGHTER
911
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:57,815
APPLAUSE
Glenn Moore, everyone.
912
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,575
And here is your final teaser.
The words are OWNSDICK,
913
00:41:02,600 --> 00:41:05,375
the clue is
mine's blowing all over the place.
914
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:08,495
That's OWNSDICK,
mine's blowing all over the place.
915
00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:09,735
See you after the break.
916
00:41:09,760 --> 00:41:11,295
APPLAUSE
917
00:41:20,160 --> 00:41:22,775
APPLAUSE
918
00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:27,975
Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser, the words were OWNSDICK,
919
00:41:28,000 --> 00:41:30,295
the clue was mine's blowing
all over the place.
920
00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:31,695
It was of course, windsock.
921
00:41:31,720 --> 00:41:36,095
OK, time for our final letters game.
Sarah, Jamal, your turn to choose.
922
00:41:36,120 --> 00:41:40,095
Honestly, I don't care any more
cos I feel so relaxed and aroused.
923
00:41:40,120 --> 00:41:43,895
Erm, do you wanna pick... Yeah.
..50, I can just? All right.
924
00:41:43,920 --> 00:41:45,815
Do you want a cigarette?
925
00:41:45,840 --> 00:41:47,735
I don't even smoke,
but I really do.
926
00:41:47,760 --> 00:41:49,615
I normally have a KitKat after.
927
00:41:51,200 --> 00:41:53,535
What would you like, Jamali?
You choose, flower.
928
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:55,455
All right, can we have...?
How many letters do we get?
929
00:41:55,480 --> 00:41:57,775
9. 9. I mean, famously nine.
930
00:41:57,800 --> 00:42:00,255
He's not been on the show
before, remember? Yes, he has.
931
00:42:01,280 --> 00:42:03,855
Let me get six vowels.
932
00:42:03,880 --> 00:42:05,495
I mean, you're only allowed five.
933
00:42:05,520 --> 00:42:08,255
I'm only allowed five? Yeah.
Well, give me five then, shit.
934
00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:10,735
Are we having five vowels?
935
00:42:10,760 --> 00:42:14,095
Yeah. I, O, I.
I don't know what a vowel is.
936
00:42:14,120 --> 00:42:15,375
A E.
937
00:42:15,400 --> 00:42:17,095
And the rest, consonants.
938
00:42:17,120 --> 00:42:19,375
N, I W.
939
00:42:19,400 --> 00:42:21,255
Oh, my God, oh, my God. S.
940
00:42:21,280 --> 00:42:24,455
OK, I might just look at TikTok,
Your time starts now.
941
00:42:25,760 --> 00:42:28,895
So, today's word of the day
is cock.
942
00:42:28,920 --> 00:42:31,495
It annoys me when people on TikTok
943
00:42:31,520 --> 00:42:34,615
accuse me of being too close
to the camera. What you on about?
944
00:42:47,200 --> 00:42:48,775
Look at him over there.
945
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:51,455
"Oh, I'm Jimmy Carr,
I wear stupid suits
946
00:42:51,480 --> 00:42:54,655
"and I've got a stupid laugh."
Such a cu...
947
00:42:54,680 --> 00:42:57,055
LAUGHTER
948
00:42:57,080 --> 00:42:58,095
Sarah, how many?
949
00:42:58,120 --> 00:42:59,255
Only five, Jimmy.
950
00:42:59,280 --> 00:43:00,375
Jamali, how many?
951
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:01,455
Three.
952
00:43:01,480 --> 00:43:03,895
Have you written cat?
No, I haven't written cat.
953
00:43:03,920 --> 00:43:05,735
It looks like you've written cat
on the paper.
954
00:43:05,760 --> 00:43:08,495
Well, you know, maybe you should
mind your fucking business.
955
00:43:08,520 --> 00:43:09,615
LAUGHTER
956
00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,895
Maybe you should worry about
your own fucking cat.
957
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,655
APPLAUSE
958
00:43:17,720 --> 00:43:20,735
Er, Joe, how many? I've got
as close as you can get to a nine.
959
00:43:23,240 --> 00:43:25,175
What have you got? I've got a five.
960
00:43:25,200 --> 00:43:26,295
LAUGHTER
961
00:43:26,320 --> 00:43:27,775
OK. Er, Rob, how many?
962
00:43:27,800 --> 00:43:31,495
Five. Five, OK. Erm, so,
Jamali, what's your three?
963
00:43:31,520 --> 00:43:35,415
He wrote cat in capitals, massive
and I don't know why.
964
00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:38,095
Has your Al Bot broken down?
965
00:43:38,120 --> 00:43:39,375
Yeah.
966
00:43:41,040 --> 00:43:43,935
Are you taking the fucking piss?
Get out!
967
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:45,615
Come on. Get out.
The electricity ran out.
968
00:43:45,640 --> 00:43:47,095
Get out. The electricity ran out.
969
00:43:47,120 --> 00:43:49,695
Get out of the goddamn Al Bot.
970
00:43:49,720 --> 00:43:51,655
For goodness' sake.
It's fucking Mr Motivator.
971
00:43:51,680 --> 00:43:54,655
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
972
00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:56,415
All right?
973
00:43:56,440 --> 00:43:58,255
Yay!
974
00:43:58,280 --> 00:44:00,895
But I've given you all the answers
all night.
975
00:44:00,920 --> 00:44:02,375
Yeah, but then
you started doing cat.
976
00:44:02,400 --> 00:44:04,095
As your daddy, right...
977
00:44:05,760 --> 00:44:07,975
...I'm disappointed in you.
978
00:44:08,800 --> 00:44:10,695
Mr Motivator, everyone.
979
00:44:10,720 --> 00:44:14,215
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
980
00:44:17,280 --> 00:44:19,135
OK, Sarah, your five.
981
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:21,455
WAILS or LEANS.
982
00:44:21,480 --> 00:44:23,295
That's good. That's really good.
What's your five?
983
00:44:23,320 --> 00:44:24,615
Mine's LOINS.
984
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:27,895
Sarah Millican had
the vibrating gun in her loins.
985
00:44:27,920 --> 00:44:29,895
To be honest,
I've got a lot of thigh
986
00:44:29,920 --> 00:44:32,415
and it was just, like, hitting
the thighs and rattling up.
987
00:44:33,920 --> 00:44:36,895
I can attest to that, it was
shaking the side of my chair.
988
00:44:38,200 --> 00:44:40,135
You know in Jurassic Park
when the...?
989
00:44:41,600 --> 00:44:43,815
Your drink just...
990
00:44:44,720 --> 00:44:45,895
Joe, your five.
991
00:44:45,920 --> 00:44:49,135
I had LOINS as well
cos I copied Rob.
992
00:44:50,520 --> 00:44:52,215
Five points to both teams.
993
00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:53,975
APPLAUSE
994
00:44:55,640 --> 00:44:57,255
Glenn, Susie, could they have done
any better?
995
00:44:57,280 --> 00:44:59,615
They could have done,
they could have had LIAISON.
996
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:01,175
No.
And they could have had INWALES.
997
00:45:01,200 --> 00:45:04,975
So, Sarah and Jamali have 19,
Joe and Rob have 22.
998
00:45:05,000 --> 00:45:07,375
You know what that means.
APPLAUSE
999
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:10,895
Oh, it's exciting.
OK, all right, fingers on buzzers.
1000
00:45:10,920 --> 00:45:13,415
Time for today's crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
1001
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:19,695
BELL RINGS
1002
00:45:19,720 --> 00:45:21,015
Oh, no. PROTRACTOR.
1003
00:45:21,040 --> 00:45:22,615
Not even close.
1004
00:45:25,960 --> 00:45:27,015
I love them.
1005
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:29,415
I can't do these.
I'm shit at these.
1006
00:45:33,080 --> 00:45:34,815
Is it just PROOCRATE?
1007
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:36,255
CHUCKLES: No.
1008
00:45:36,280 --> 00:45:39,935
You love them? I like them. It's
sort of my favourite kind of gig.
1009
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:41,535
BELL RINGS
Ooh! No, I've got it.
1010
00:45:41,560 --> 00:45:42,735
BUZZER
1011
00:45:42,760 --> 00:45:44,135
Is it CORPORATE?
1012
00:45:44,160 --> 00:45:45,375
Let's have a look.
1013
00:45:46,600 --> 00:45:48,815
Joe Wilkinson got the conundrum.
1014
00:45:49,760 --> 00:45:54,375
So, the final scores are,
Sarah and Jamali have 19,
1015
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,415
Rob and Joe are the winners
with 32 points.
1016
00:45:57,440 --> 00:46:01,135
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1017
00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:03,055
Congratulations,
you're now the proud owner of this,
1018
00:46:03,080 --> 00:46:05,095
the Countdown Ping Pong Set.
1019
00:46:05,120 --> 00:46:06,975
WHOOPING
1020
00:46:07,000 --> 00:46:09,335
Thanks to all our panel lists,
our wonderful studio audience
1021
00:46:09,360 --> 00:46:12,375
and to all of you for watching at
home. That's it from us, goodnight.
1022
00:46:12,400 --> 00:46:15,095
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
1023
00:46:36,800 --> 00:46:38,775
Subtitles by Red Bee Media