1 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:05,960 [Martin] Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Tring, 2 00:00:05,960 --> 00:00:07,800 where we set our scene. 3 00:00:07,800 --> 00:00:12,120 Ancient grudges have been forgot, thanks to these star-crossed lovers. 4 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:16,920 -Awww, I love it when you quote old shit. -Smooch, how was your breakfast? 5 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:21,280 Frank cooked it special to say sorry for all them practical jokes. 6 00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,360 You stopped being mean to Alfie, ain't you, Frank? 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:26,520 Ugh! Yeah. Yes, he has. 8 00:00:26,520 --> 00:00:28,200 No more pubes on my toothbrush. 9 00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,200 Ah, I knew you two was gonna get on. 10 00:00:31,800 --> 00:00:33,520 Ding dong! All passengers 11 00:00:33,520 --> 00:00:36,840 for Posh Paws Pet Salon please disembark. 12 00:00:36,840 --> 00:00:40,440 -Woof, woof! -Oh, Mart, you're so funny. 13 00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:44,840 Say goodbye to daddy, Coco. Bye, bye, Daddy. 14 00:00:44,840 --> 00:00:46,760 Bye-bye, Coco. 15 00:00:46,760 --> 00:00:49,480 -Come here, you big hunk of man. -Please don't. 16 00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:52,280 Oh, God. 17 00:00:55,440 --> 00:01:01,200 Oh, you put them in my sandwich, didn't you? 18 00:01:01,200 --> 00:01:04,400 [upbeat music playing] 19 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:07,800 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 20 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,520 [man rapping] 21 00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,520 Do you know why I have summoned you here to the Embassy of Bantartica? 22 00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:36,240 To tell him to dump Grayson's mom. 23 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:40,520 No. Although as headmaster, Martin, I am formally obligated 24 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:44,400 to remind you that you are seriously punching above your ruddy weight. 25 00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:48,680 -What's your secret? -I'm like the Tory party. I perform very well down south. 26 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:52,000 Right, you, shut up. You, why are we here? 27 00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:56,400 The local education authority have forced me to run background checks on the staff, 28 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,360 boring.com/bullshit. 29 00:01:58,360 --> 00:02:03,240 However, in the rummage I have discovered Alf's guilty little secret. 30 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:06,360 Ugh, God. Is this about my Harry Potter audition? 31 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:09,960 Alf got down to the final three, just pipped at the post by Emma Watson. 32 00:02:09,960 --> 00:02:15,000 I'm talking about your GCSE Biology or absence thereof. 33 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:16,840 Ooh, the GCSE story. 34 00:02:16,840 --> 00:02:20,280 Let me dust off my old book of yarns. 35 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,400 -[exhales] -[coughs] 36 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:26,840 Get on with it. 37 00:02:26,840 --> 00:02:30,360 It was young Alf's GCSE term 38 00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:34,360 and he was having to deal with some pretty brutal bullying. 39 00:02:34,360 --> 00:02:38,480 His mother and I never got to the bottom of why they picked on him. 40 00:02:38,480 --> 00:02:41,440 Alfie was also struggling with biology. 41 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:43,360 Luckily though, 42 00:02:43,360 --> 00:02:48,160 Alf wasn't the only neglected soul at the school. 43 00:02:48,160 --> 00:02:50,760 A friendship was born. 44 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,520 That young janitor from Boston taught Alf everything he knew. 45 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:59,200 Come his exam, he was brimming with confidence. 46 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:03,960 -What happened? -He got a "U." 47 00:03:03,960 --> 00:03:06,600 -Oh. -Turned out the janitor didn't know anything about biology, 48 00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,800 or much else for that matter. The man had an IQ of 40. 49 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:12,840 He was tutoring Alfie in a strain of pataphysics 50 00:03:12,840 --> 00:03:14,880 he claimed a lizard had taught him in a dream. 51 00:03:14,880 --> 00:03:18,000 So what? I failed an exam like seven years ago. 52 00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:20,840 I suppose now you're gonna tell me that I'm not allowed to teach anymore. 53 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,800 Yes, I am. I can't employ you without your core GCSEs. 54 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:26,440 You're going to have to sit biology along with the other candidates. 55 00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:28,520 Me, do an exam with the kids? 56 00:03:28,520 --> 00:03:31,400 But I haven't done biology since I was like 16. 57 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:33,640 Well, I tell you what, I could probably give you an "A" to Zed 58 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,960 on the Ps and Qs of the birds and bees. 59 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:39,400 Right, anything but that. 60 00:03:39,400 --> 00:03:42,880 -Ugh. -Alfie Wickers, can you concentrate please? 61 00:03:42,880 --> 00:03:46,000 -Can I go to the loo? -It's may I go to the loo, and no you can't 62 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:47,800 because you've already been three times. 63 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:51,320 Now, carbon dioxide plus water 64 00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:56,320 equals glucose-- yes, Alfie. 65 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:01,400 Can-- sorry, may you teach me the equation of how to cook crystal meth? 66 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,200 -Just in case I fail the exam. -Well, you won't fail if you concentrate. 67 00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:07,840 Miss, when do we get to see a fanny? 68 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:10,240 If you ask nicely, maybe your brother will let you see his. 69 00:04:10,240 --> 00:04:13,920 -Settle down, please. -He ain't my brother. 70 00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:15,760 Sorry, can I just point out, I don't have a fanny. 71 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:18,680 Why have you predicted us all "A Stars," Miss? 72 00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:22,520 Because, Joe, nothing is more powerful than self belief. 73 00:04:22,520 --> 00:04:25,120 Yeah, but, Rosie, in Joe's defense, he's about as likely 74 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:27,240 to get an "A Star" as he is to win Rear of the Year. 75 00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:28,720 In my defense? 76 00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:32,720 Joe's right, when we crash and burn, we're gonna be mucho sad face. 77 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,120 Other than Jing's obviously. 78 00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:36,440 Yeah, obviously. Jing's gonna get ten A Stars 79 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:38,520 and a scholarship to an all girls private school. 80 00:04:38,520 --> 00:04:40,720 So obviously Jing's going to be fine. 81 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,280 -Sorry, babe. -It's not your fault. 82 00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,680 My parents are obsessed with me getting this scholarship. 83 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,280 Remember, Jing, parents only want what's best for you. 84 00:04:48,280 --> 00:04:52,240 Yeah, I mean, parents always say that, but sometimes what parents actually want 85 00:04:52,240 --> 00:04:55,640 is really, really shit for everyone involved. 86 00:04:55,640 --> 00:04:59,960 Are you saying my mom ain't good enough for your saggy bollocked prick of a dad? 87 00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:02,720 No, Frank. What I'm saying is that when my father 88 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:04,880 is motor-boating your ridiculously titted 89 00:05:04,880 --> 00:05:07,200 dog bothering mother over breakfast, 90 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,360 that perhaps they don't have our best interests at heart. 91 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:13,280 -You leave Coco out of this. -Who the hell is Coco? 92 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:15,720 The rat his mother keeps in her handbag. 93 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:18,720 Coco is a pedigree Chihuahua. 94 00:05:18,720 --> 00:05:20,760 Probably the ugliest dog I've ever seen in my entire life. 95 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:23,800 -I'm warning you. -It looks a bit like someone glued some whiskers 96 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,240 -onto a junkie's scrotum. Okay, I'm sorry. -Shut up! 97 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:36,000 [speaks Chinese] Fireball tomahawk rockets. 98 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,560 -Freeze! -Uh-oh, it's the milf hunter. 99 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:40,560 -Any last requests? -Does your missus have a sister? 100 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,800 -No, but her mother's quite tasty. -Excuse me. 101 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:47,000 Yes, 30 liters of gasoline. I'm organizing the kids' end of exam party, 102 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,960 ingredients, one skip, one match and a whole heap of textbooks. 103 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:52,160 About that, the skip party's off. 104 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:55,560 Council were very clear, no more fires. 105 00:05:55,560 --> 00:05:59,800 Well, there's always a killjoy somewhere, living in a thatched cottage. 106 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:03,960 Martin, I think you need to call Frank's mother. There's a problem. 107 00:06:03,960 --> 00:06:06,520 Oh, God. Has Frank found our home videos? 108 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,520 No. 109 00:06:10,280 --> 00:06:13,680 Tell me everything you know about nitroglycerine. 110 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:20,000 Now this morning, I had to break up a fight. 111 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:23,280 -He started it. -No, I didn't. Dad, he called you a prick. 112 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,600 -Boys will be boys. -They were just play fighting. 113 00:06:25,600 --> 00:06:29,120 -He called Coco a rat. -What? 114 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:31,880 Did I? I don't remember saying that. 115 00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:33,520 You can say what you like about Frank. 116 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,240 -I can? -You can call him a useless mongrel. 117 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:39,400 -Bit harsh. -You can call him a selfish, bedwetting little bastard, 118 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:41,200 -who made his dad up and leave. -Whoa. 119 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:44,440 But don't you dare be rude about my little princess. 120 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,480 Right, I wouldn't say any of those things about Frank, 121 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,320 mainly 'cause he scares the shit out of me, 122 00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:54,800 but also because underneath the bravado and the pube sandwiches, 123 00:06:54,800 --> 00:06:55,920 I know that he's a good kid. 124 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:58,800 Alfie's absolutely right, I'm not sure should be calling-- 125 00:06:58,800 --> 00:07:01,560 You have no right to tell me how to bring up my boy. Martin? 126 00:07:01,560 --> 00:07:03,640 -Perhaps you should try-- -Martin! 127 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,800 You're bang out of order, Rosie. 128 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:08,200 Mrs. Grayson, I'm not telling you how to raise your children. 129 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:11,400 Behavioral problems are sometimes linked to jealousy. 130 00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:15,480 Not jealous, Miss. Don't deserve mommy's love. Coco's pedigree. 131 00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:19,000 I'm not pedigree. 132 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,880 Okay. Um, here's an idea. 133 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:26,440 How about we just say sorry to each other and then we can all move on? 134 00:07:26,440 --> 00:07:28,160 I think that's a wonderful idea. 135 00:07:28,160 --> 00:07:32,160 -Frank, I-- -Well? 136 00:07:32,160 --> 00:07:35,800 You want me to talk to the dog? 137 00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:43,880 Coco, I'm very sorry for saying that you look like a junkie's scrotum. 138 00:07:43,880 --> 00:07:46,400 -Martin? -Well done, Alfred. 139 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:49,680 No, Martin. You as well. You hurt her feelings. 140 00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:50,840 But I didn't-- 141 00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:58,000 Sorry, Coco. 142 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,600 See? 143 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:03,000 That wasn't so hard, was it? 144 00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:07,760 Silly old man, won't be having any of mommy's pudding tonight, will he, Coco? 145 00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:15,760 Nice to see your father's found himself another nutcase. 146 00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,880 I mean, how does he find them? 147 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:19,800 Look, I know it's tricky with Frank, 148 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:22,000 but you and your class have to stay focused on this exam. 149 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:26,000 Rosie, you know I have the utmost respect for your judgment, but A Stars, 150 00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,000 from my class, are you mental? 151 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,520 But don't you realize what an amazing opportunity you have here? 152 00:08:30,520 --> 00:08:33,800 You can stand shoulder to shoulder with these kids, 153 00:08:33,800 --> 00:08:35,800 going through the same ordeal together, as equals. 154 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:41,280 Alfie, you can inspire them to do great things. 155 00:08:41,280 --> 00:08:44,560 The only way we can pass the biology exam is if we cheat. 156 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:46,560 -Agreed? -Agreed. 157 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:49,440 Boys and girls, prepare to be transformed 158 00:08:49,440 --> 00:08:51,360 into ruthless cheating machines. 159 00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:53,840 This is your Tour de France 160 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:57,120 and I am your dodgy Italian doctor 161 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:59,800 -with a suitcase full of blood. -[cheering] 162 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,440 -The sit-behind-the-clever-kid method. -Here we go. 163 00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:06,400 One smart kid makes their work visible for the cheats 164 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,280 slipstreaming either side of them. 165 00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:12,360 Apropos of nothing, Jing, how big is your handwriting? 166 00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:15,920 The water bottle method. 167 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,560 The invigilators allow a bottle of water into the exam. 168 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,920 We simply steam the labels off the bottle, 169 00:09:21,920 --> 00:09:26,840 write the answers on the inside of them and then stick them back on. 170 00:09:26,840 --> 00:09:29,720 The plaster method. Same logic applies, 171 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,800 answers underneath, then simply peel back when necessary. 172 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:37,480 The tissue method. We write the answers on the tissues in this box, 173 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:39,760 then swap it for the one in the exam hall. 174 00:09:39,760 --> 00:09:41,880 If you're stuck, all you need to do is fake a cold. 175 00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:46,680 -Or have a-- -Fake a cold and the answers are literally handed to you. 176 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,560 The wheelchair method. 177 00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:50,800 All you need to get through this is a false bottom. 178 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:53,680 Is that what your mom told you when she sent you to boarding school? 179 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:58,400 I meant in his wheelchair. It's an old shoplifter's trick. 180 00:10:00,560 --> 00:10:02,640 What? 181 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,800 The tapping method, perfect for multiple choice questions. 182 00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,200 I merely tap out the number of the question that I'm stuck on. 183 00:10:10,200 --> 00:10:15,400 And then whoever has the answer, taps it out back to me. 184 00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,840 Momento method. Write down answers on parts of your body 185 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:22,600 that are concealed by your uniform. The more body space, the better. 186 00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:23,760 Get in! 187 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:26,640 And for my final trick, the smartphone. 188 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:28,640 They get confiscated, you fool. 189 00:10:28,640 --> 00:10:31,800 Oh, my God, how am I gonna retweet all my little monsters? 190 00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:33,960 Never fear, because I will be handing in a dummy phone, 191 00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,480 leaving me free to use my toilet breaks to consult my actual phone, 192 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:42,640 which I have sneakily planted in a designated toilet cubicle before the exam. 193 00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:45,800 While you're in there you can give your mom a bell, 194 00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,400 -her number's still on the toilet wall. -[laughing] 195 00:10:47,400 --> 00:10:51,640 My number's up there too, sir. You know, phone a friend, with benefits. 196 00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:56,120 Yeah, as opposed to my dad, who has a friend on benefits. 197 00:10:56,120 --> 00:10:58,160 Is that it then? Can we get back to revising now? 198 00:10:58,160 --> 00:11:02,840 Not quite. If all else fails, I have a trusted third party waiting 199 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:05,160 to receive an all clear text message. 200 00:11:05,160 --> 00:11:07,960 If that text doesn't come through, they will call the school, 201 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:10,680 claiming to be from the hospital, saying that my grandmother has been 202 00:11:10,680 --> 00:11:15,880 in a terrible accident. Whole exam rendered null and void. 203 00:11:15,880 --> 00:11:18,400 But, sir, who would tell such a horrific lie? 204 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:22,000 Oi, oi, Dickers. Sounds like your bollocks have finally dropped. 205 00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,600 Right, I only get one call a day, so this better be good. 206 00:11:32,160 --> 00:11:37,000 -Martin? -Shh, I've just got Coco off to sleep. 207 00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,640 I'm babysitting while Catherine redecorates Coco's boudoir. 208 00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,280 She wants it to be a surprise. 209 00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:44,160 Martin, are you 100% happy? 210 00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,400 Please don't wake her up. She wouldn't stop barking. 211 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,560 I had to slip a little whiskey in her milk. 212 00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:54,160 Oh, God, don't tell me she's making you wear that as a breast. 213 00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:59,920 -See you in there. -I'm not invigilating the exam. 214 00:11:59,920 --> 00:12:01,880 What? But you have to. 215 00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:05,800 When you invigilate, it's so much easier to cheat... expectations 216 00:12:05,800 --> 00:12:08,800 and exceed academically. 217 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:13,560 Remember when you sent me that clip of a geriatric man singing with his genitals? 218 00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,240 And remember how I accidentally broadcast it to an exam full of children? 219 00:12:17,240 --> 00:12:20,320 -Best prank ever. -Yeah, well, since then, they've been a bit weird 220 00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:24,360 about me invigilating exams. But fear not, my replacement is the best in the business, 221 00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,840 the legendary Mr. Hewston. You do know Maurice Hewston? 222 00:12:28,840 --> 00:12:30,440 Never heard of him. 223 00:12:30,440 --> 00:12:33,400 Maurice is the most ruthless, ball-breaking cheat-buster 224 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:36,680 ever to have removed a child's nipples with a shatterproof ruler. 225 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:38,800 -The man is an asshole. -Shit. 226 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:43,800 Legend has it, as a youth the boy Maurice got caught cheating on an "O" Level. 227 00:12:43,800 --> 00:12:47,520 He was sentenced by a kangaroo court of disaffected rural Latin teachers dressed as crows 228 00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:49,720 -to suffer the ultimate punishment. -What happened? 229 00:12:49,720 --> 00:12:52,600 -They cut out his tongue. -Jesus Christ. 230 00:12:52,600 --> 00:12:53,920 Good luck. 231 00:12:56,680 --> 00:13:00,120 [chattering] 232 00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,760 Alfie, I'm really proud of you. 233 00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:12,600 The kids look so confident. Whatever you did has done the trick. 234 00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:16,960 Well, you know, it's like you always say, nothing beats honest-to-goodness hard work. 235 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,880 Alfie, not really appropriate. 236 00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:25,680 -Just a little good luck hug. -Well, okay. There we are. 237 00:13:25,680 --> 00:13:27,800 There you go. 238 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:32,400 Good luck, kids. Good luck, Alf. 239 00:13:35,280 --> 00:13:38,800 Alfie, I'm scared. What if we get caught? 240 00:13:38,800 --> 00:13:39,760 Don't worry, mate, you're gonna nail it. 241 00:13:39,760 --> 00:13:41,960 You'll get your grades, I'll keep my job. 242 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:43,840 Rosie'll be impressed, take me back. 243 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,160 It's literally the perfect crime. 244 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:55,960 Hewston. 245 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,960 [electronic whining] 246 00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,440 -Bad luck, babes. -Shit, man. 247 00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:19,760 Oh, this guy's good. 248 00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,400 Oh, for fu-- 249 00:14:50,200 --> 00:14:51,920 Time for Plan "B." 250 00:14:55,920 --> 00:15:01,200 By the way, thanks for telling my mom I ain't a bad bloke. 251 00:15:01,200 --> 00:15:04,560 Oh, no problem. 252 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,760 I mean, it don't mean you and your dad ain't pricks, 253 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,280 yeah, but I owe you one. 254 00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:13,200 Thanks. 255 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,840 -[alarm blaring] -[bell rings] 256 00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:24,840 [mouths] 257 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:04,640 [coughs] 258 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,320 [taps] 259 00:17:35,720 --> 00:17:38,920 [whirring] 260 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:43,320 [blows] 261 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:14,760 [snoring] 262 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:41,400 [sighs] 263 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:47,000 [snoring] 264 00:19:51,840 --> 00:19:53,520 [gasps] 265 00:20:04,440 --> 00:20:07,160 [whispers] 266 00:21:33,360 --> 00:21:35,000 [sighs] 267 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:54,280 [flushes] 268 00:21:58,280 --> 00:22:01,240 [imitates explosion] 269 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:12,120 [sighs] 270 00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:26,240 [telephone rings] 271 00:22:26,240 --> 00:22:29,680 -Hello, Abbey Grove. -This is a message from Watford General Hospital. 272 00:23:03,880 --> 00:23:06,800 [Mitchell's voice] This is a message from Watford General Hospital. 273 00:23:06,800 --> 00:23:08,600 We've checked all the scans, all the x-rays. 274 00:23:08,600 --> 00:23:10,680 We've even borrowed the Hubble Telescope, but we still can't find your cock. 275 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,240 [laughs] 276 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:25,560 [horn blows] 277 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:30,800 So hot. 278 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:38,480 ♪ Say nothing ♪ 279 00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:40,160 Have some water. 280 00:23:40,160 --> 00:23:43,200 -What happened? -You fainted. 281 00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:46,160 I asked Mr. Hewston if that meant you got special consideration. 282 00:23:46,160 --> 00:23:49,920 He just spat on the floor, which I took to mean no. 283 00:23:53,480 --> 00:23:55,560 How did you do? 284 00:23:56,480 --> 00:23:58,880 -That bad? -Worse. 285 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,840 I've lost my job, Joe. 286 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:05,760 The papers. 287 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:07,000 What about them? 288 00:24:07,000 --> 00:24:09,240 Distract Hewston, I'll sneak them out. 289 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,880 Hey, I just wanted to say well played. 290 00:24:18,880 --> 00:24:22,760 Good game. Wanna swap shirts? 291 00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:24,800 Just a joke. 292 00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:25,800 Anyway, I understand 293 00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,920 why you're such an asshole. 294 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:33,920 I mean, God knows I'd be like that if a teacher had cut out my tongue. 295 00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,360 [high-pitched] What the hell you talking about? 296 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,320 Why would anyone cut out my tongue? 297 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:42,280 Oh, that's why you don't speak. 298 00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:43,560 I beg your pardon. 299 00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:47,240 Goodbye. 300 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,200 Where are the papers? 301 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,800 -I had a better idea. I swapped your cover page with Jing's. -What? 302 00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:57,800 Think about it. All week she's been saying how she wants her parents to love her 303 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,800 for who she is and not her grades. This way everyone wins. 304 00:25:01,800 --> 00:25:02,120 I don't know, Joe. 305 00:25:02,120 --> 00:25:04,120 All right, bum and bummer. 306 00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,160 Fraser wants ya. You're missing the skip party. 307 00:25:14,440 --> 00:25:16,840 Where's Jing? I need to talk to her. 308 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:19,560 -She's over by the skip. -We're going to get more books, sir. 309 00:25:19,560 --> 00:25:21,920 Cool. Grab some shit from my desk too. 310 00:25:28,600 --> 00:25:31,520 [gasps, screams] 311 00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,840 Jing, look, 312 00:25:35,840 --> 00:25:38,000 there's something I'm feeling terrible about, 313 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:41,480 -though technically it's Joe's fault. -Cheers, sir. 314 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:45,240 You know the way you said you didn't really want to get an A Star in your GCSE? 315 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:49,720 What if I told you that you're definitely not gonna get an A Star? 316 00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:53,280 I'd say, "I know and that I'm delighted about it." 317 00:25:53,280 --> 00:25:56,400 Well, that's worked out rather well then. 318 00:25:56,400 --> 00:26:00,800 -That's why I torpedoed my exam. -Sorry, what? 319 00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,200 I wrote the worst paper you have ever seen, literally ungradable. 320 00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:08,320 It's offensively stupid. I mean I could be sent to some kind of home. 321 00:26:08,320 --> 00:26:12,720 [laughs] Well, isn't that just terrific? 322 00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:15,480 Kill me. 323 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:19,560 Oi, my little pony, say goodbye to your satchel. 324 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:21,960 That ain't mine, darling. Pink is so noughties. 325 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:25,520 Alfred, have you seen Coco? Pink travel bag, I left it on your desk. 326 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:30,160 -Ah. -Where's baby Coco? I bought her some prezzies. 327 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,240 Dad, what I think may have just happened, 328 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,960 in the long-term, might be for the best. 329 00:26:35,960 --> 00:26:37,920 -Short-term? -Run. 330 00:26:37,920 --> 00:26:41,160 Martin, where's my baby? I told you not to leave her alone. 331 00:26:41,160 --> 00:26:42,760 I'll look in the car. 332 00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:46,440 Jing, I can't read Mandarin, are these fireworks? 333 00:26:46,440 --> 00:26:48,680 No, they're not actually. 334 00:26:48,680 --> 00:26:50,320 Oh, thank God, I thought you'd gone completely insane. 335 00:26:50,320 --> 00:26:51,720 They're military flares. 336 00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:54,400 "Highly explosive, potentially blinding, 337 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:57,480 -containing lead, arsenic and"-- -The box is empty. Fraser! 338 00:26:57,480 --> 00:27:01,600 The nice pirate in Shanghai said they'd make a real fire dragon come alive in the sky. 339 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,920 -Oh, shizzle! -Children, get back from the skip! 340 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:09,880 Just cover your eyes, kids, I may have made a slight miscalculation. 341 00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:13,200 -Frank, what are you doing? -Plan "C." 342 00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:18,160 -Is that... -[students screaming] 343 00:27:20,320 --> 00:27:23,440 -[lock rattles] -Open the door, Martin. 344 00:27:23,440 --> 00:27:25,680 Tell me what you did to Coco. 345 00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:29,200 -I didn't do anything to her. -Then where is she, Martin? 346 00:27:29,200 --> 00:27:33,320 Oh, you don't need to be afraid, 347 00:27:33,320 --> 00:27:37,120 so long as you let me into the fucking car. 348 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,800 [thuds] 349 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:44,320 -Coco! Martin! -[fireworks popping] 350 00:28:11,800 --> 00:28:12,560 [sighs] 351 00:28:12,560 --> 00:28:15,760 [upbeat music playing] 352 00:28:16,760 --> 00:28:19,160 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 353 00:28:32,600 --> 00:28:34,880 [man rapping]