1 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:07,760 Feather the brakes, smoocher. Hands at ten to two. 2 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,240 [sighs] Leave it, Dad, I've got it nailed. 3 00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:14,400 Talking of nailing things, don't hurry back from work tonight. 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:18,840 Hurry home to you in your pants, eating a Fray Bentos pie, yeah, I'll try not to. 5 00:00:18,840 --> 00:00:22,960 Good, because I am liaising with a bit of skirt, 6 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,720 a portion of crumpet trumpet. 7 00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:27,560 ♪ Probably gonna hump it ♪ 8 00:00:27,560 --> 00:00:31,200 Please don't rap. And are you sure that's wise, you dating? 9 00:00:31,200 --> 00:00:35,200 -Aren't two car crash marriages enough? -Players gotta play. 10 00:00:35,200 --> 00:00:38,400 No, players gotta retire, get his coaching badges 11 00:00:38,400 --> 00:00:40,800 or try his hand at punditry. 12 00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:43,280 Go out with dignity, Dad. Be G Nev, not Rio. 13 00:00:43,280 --> 00:00:46,400 ♪ Well, tonight, if the bed's a-rockin' then don't come a-knockin' ♪ 14 00:00:46,400 --> 00:00:49,440 ♪ 'Cause I've p-p-probably got my cock in-- ♪ The caretaker! 15 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,280 You're shagging the caretaker? 16 00:00:51,280 --> 00:00:55,680 -[thuds] -[tires screech] 17 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:59,160 Oh, you meant the caretaker was in the road. 18 00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:03,800 [upbeat music playing] 19 00:01:03,800 --> 00:01:06,520 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 20 00:01:19,320 --> 00:01:21,680 [man rapping] 21 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:35,680 Thank you. 22 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,760 Oi, where you been, man? We've been stood here since 7:30, 23 00:01:38,760 --> 00:01:40,520 and it ain't my fault the caretaker's crutters. 24 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:42,160 These are not ja-jing. 25 00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:43,600 I'm sorry, I got held up. 26 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:45,160 The caretaker lives on the other side of Tring. 27 00:01:45,160 --> 00:01:47,400 You're still going to his flat every morning? 28 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,640 Chantelle, I have disabled that man for life. 29 00:01:49,640 --> 00:01:52,600 It is only fair that I help him with the things that he can no longer do for himself. 30 00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:57,240 -Did you break his wanking hand? -Ha ha, no, I did not, Cleopatra. 31 00:01:57,240 --> 00:01:59,920 I just do the boring domestic chores. 32 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:04,560 Cooking, cleaning, back rubs. 33 00:02:04,560 --> 00:02:06,680 -I thought he'd broken his back. -No, Joe, 34 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,560 his wife gets the back rubs. 35 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:10,520 Okay, run me past that again. 36 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,360 It's very simple. Because of what I did to poor Pod, 37 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:15,920 he can no longer give his wife her nightly rubdowns. 38 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,000 it's only fair that I step into the breach. 39 00:02:18,000 --> 00:02:21,160 Pod just, you know, watches. 40 00:02:21,160 --> 00:02:24,000 Again, this is probably just me being slow, 41 00:02:24,000 --> 00:02:27,680 but he's watching you massage his wife? 42 00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:30,520 It's the least I could do. 43 00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:35,440 I don't believe it. Richard. 44 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:40,000 Rosie, what are you doing in Richard's toy ambulance? 45 00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:41,520 Have you taken him back? 46 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,840 Richard drove to my mother's house last night. 47 00:02:43,840 --> 00:02:46,840 Oh, you've moved in with your mom. Who knew? Not me. 48 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,200 I told him he didn't have a future with me. 49 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:51,000 To be fair, he doesn't have long without you. 50 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:53,960 So did you steal his noddy car out of revenge? 51 00:02:53,960 --> 00:02:55,760 Richard had been drinking very heavily 52 00:02:55,760 --> 00:02:59,520 and he was saying these things, not all of them nice. 53 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,640 Mostly about you. 54 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,000 He's probably intimidated by me. 55 00:03:04,000 --> 00:03:06,720 No, it wasn't that. He called you a pathetic little stalker. 56 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:08,920 Stalker, me? Please. 57 00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:12,320 Anyway, I made him walk home and now he's gonna have to collect this after work. 58 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:15,320 Why don't you get him to pick it up now? The sooner the better. Call him. 59 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:17,640 -No, no, I'll call him later. -No, do it now. 60 00:03:17,640 --> 00:03:20,840 -No. Alfie, give that back. -We need him out of our lives for good. 61 00:03:20,840 --> 00:03:23,240 [ringing] 62 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,320 [song playing] 63 00:03:25,320 --> 00:03:27,880 Oh, gor, he's left the phone in there. 64 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:31,280 Which reminds me, you left your flask in my mother's garden. 65 00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:34,320 There's literally a million, billion reasons that that could be there, 66 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:37,240 but if you want I could come pick it up tonight. 67 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:42,880 -This doesn't make me a stalker! -[mutters] 68 00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:52,560 Wow! We've made over a grand. 69 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:56,280 Finally, Pod is gonna be able to go to Las Vegas for that life-changing surgery. 70 00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:59,280 Don't people usually go to Florida for that, not Vegas? 71 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,760 Jing, hookers and croupiers need doctors, too. 72 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:03,880 You don't think he's milking it a little bit? 73 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:07,200 Milking it? That man is paralyzed from the waist down. 74 00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,360 -None of you have any idea-- -[coughs] 75 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:15,960 Most of you don't have any idea how difficult that must be. 76 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:19,200 -I've ruined the guy's life. -How do you sleep at night? 77 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,400 Oh, yeah, I remember, 78 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,000 in a bush in Miss Gulliver's garden. 79 00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:24,920 -[laughing] -I'm not stalking her. 80 00:04:24,920 --> 00:04:27,920 It is a vigil for a love that is on life support, 81 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,880 so stop trolling and "#pray for Golfy." 82 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:32,560 Sir, you can lay your head in my bush any night you like. 83 00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:34,160 Even for you, I mean. 84 00:04:34,160 --> 00:04:35,880 Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid? 85 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:38,360 Paranoid? Joe, Richard is round there every night 86 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:42,320 and now she's driving his car. It's all just too convenient. 87 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:45,000 Hello, smooch. Gang. 88 00:04:45,000 --> 00:04:47,880 I've a reward for all your charitable endeavors. 89 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,880 All right, Dickers, what's the cash for? 90 00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:54,160 Kick start for your fanny tuck? Curtains for his curtains? 91 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,800 No, and that doesn't even work anyway 92 00:04:57,800 --> 00:04:59,880 because I'm a 100% red-blooded bloke, mate. 93 00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:01,960 Though you did go through a phase. 94 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:06,800 You couldn't tell Alfie what to wear, skirts, dresses, padded bras. 95 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,240 -For a week, we had to call him Angelina. -The final piece of the puzzle. 96 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,320 Do you ever wish that dads could die in childbirth? 97 00:05:11,320 --> 00:05:14,560 Listen, smooch, Frank's been held back five years. 98 00:05:14,560 --> 00:05:16,400 No one else wants him in their class. 99 00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,120 No way. There must be another solution. 100 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:22,520 Either Frank joins Form K or he gets permanently excluded. 101 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,240 There we are. Knew you'd crack it. 102 00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,560 Take that to Fraser on your way out. 103 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:30,960 What if your teachers had abandoned little Angelina 104 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,240 just because she wouldn't conform to their rules? 105 00:05:34,240 --> 00:05:38,600 Right, if I take Frank, will you never mention Angelina ever again? 106 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:41,640 -Deal. -No. 107 00:05:41,640 --> 00:05:43,000 Nice one, Ange. 108 00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:50,200 ♪ Well, I've been told that you can make a mold ♪ 109 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:53,520 ♪ What you want to be ♪ 110 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:57,000 My girlfriend has bought me this smartphone. 111 00:05:57,000 --> 00:06:01,280 She's dragging me kicking and screaming into the 21st century, 112 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,680 if you know what I mean. 113 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:06,800 She does the screaming, I-- 114 00:06:07,840 --> 00:06:09,560 No one's kicking anyone. 115 00:06:09,560 --> 00:06:14,400 Has anyone seen a brass pole about yay high, heavily lubricated? 116 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,280 Fraser, no one will think any less of you if you walk out of this room and start over. 117 00:06:18,280 --> 00:06:20,840 -Oh, I've taken up pole dancing. -Right, well, you had your chance. 118 00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:23,240 You see, this is exactly the kind of problem that sports people 119 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:26,520 in the pole dancing community face every day. That and the groping. 120 00:06:26,520 --> 00:06:28,200 Pole dancing is not a sport. 121 00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:29,760 Would you say that to a pole vaulter? 122 00:06:29,760 --> 00:06:31,800 No. For obvious reasons. 123 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,280 What is seedy about poling your butt fabulous? 124 00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,280 Do you really want us to answer that? 125 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:39,400 Six weeks at pole club and I can pick up a briefcase without using my hands. 126 00:06:39,400 --> 00:06:43,640 Ooh, can I suggest, first rule of pole club, never talk about pole club 127 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:45,560 or your fabulous ass ever again. 128 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:48,760 Martin, did you expel Frank Grayson like I told you to? 129 00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:52,960 What? You had the chance to get rid of Frank Grayson and you dumped him on me? 130 00:06:52,960 --> 00:06:54,440 Dad? 131 00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,400 His mother was very keen that we keep him here. 132 00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:00,720 I'm sorry, that boy is beyond hope. 133 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,560 Look, if no one else can handle him, 134 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,560 Richard's worked with an outreach program, 135 00:07:04,560 --> 00:07:06,400 mentoring troubled kids. He could help with Frank. 136 00:07:06,400 --> 00:07:08,840 I'd never give up on Frank. He's like a son to me. 137 00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,920 And sorry, what's all this Richard bullshit? 138 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,400 You're still in love with him. 139 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,880 -Ugh, not this again. -Domestic. 140 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:16,200 Come on, Martin, let's bust a nut. 141 00:07:16,200 --> 00:07:19,880 Gonna go and do some hands-free marking. Tick. 142 00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:23,000 Come on, tell me the truth. I demand to see your text messages. 143 00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:27,000 Look, promise you there's nothing going on between me and Richard. 144 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:31,480 I was just saying that, for all his faults, kids do seem to relate to him. 145 00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:35,120 Please. Who's more likely to reach out to Frank, 146 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,560 one of the Wonga puppets 147 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:40,560 or a funky, edgy young brother, 148 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:44,160 who knows all about life on the mother-loving streets? 149 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,160 And who would that be? 150 00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:46,760 Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. 151 00:07:46,760 --> 00:07:48,160 'Sup up, bitches and g's? 152 00:07:48,160 --> 00:07:50,480 Let's have a parlay. 153 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,160 Oh, my God, what's happening? 154 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,400 Frank, when I was your age, 155 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:57,000 well, I mean, actually, we're probably a similar age. 156 00:07:57,000 --> 00:08:00,480 When we were the same age, I used to run with a crew. 157 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:04,560 Shit, them some crazy-ass holmes. 158 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:06,440 Something tells me Atticus Hoy is involved. 159 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:11,000 For real. Me and Hoysie, we once done a burglary together. 160 00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,160 What was you stealing, turds? 161 00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:15,520 Nah. Apples. 162 00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,360 Scrumping was a risky biz back in the day. 163 00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,400 Once got cornered by a farmer packing heat. 164 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,160 Yeah, horse chestnut branch, yay big. 165 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,920 We legged it, but then got cornered by the pigs. 166 00:08:27,920 --> 00:08:29,240 You got arrested? 167 00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:31,280 Nah, actual pigs. 168 00:08:31,280 --> 00:08:33,400 They charged us in their sty. We got covered in mud. 169 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:37,000 Me and Atticus had to strip off and wash each other down in the stream. 170 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:40,480 Shit. 171 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,600 This is worse than the time you rubbed noses with my father. 172 00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,280 Biggie, can you shoot Pac? 173 00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:50,000 Frank, life is like a game of chess. 174 00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,440 But the game is bullshit, yeah, so why are we so blind to see 175 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:56,400 that the ones we hurt are you and me? 176 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,920 -[laughing] -Cheers, Coolio. 177 00:08:58,920 --> 00:09:01,520 That was relatively entertaining. 178 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,480 I'm gonna go and torch the library. 179 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:05,440 No, Frank, please. 180 00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:08,160 I promised Miss Gulliver that I would reform you, 181 00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:11,440 so could you just not be a dick for like six hours? 182 00:09:11,440 --> 00:09:15,600 What was I thinking? I can't set fire to the library. 183 00:09:15,600 --> 00:09:18,160 I left my lighter in that car I jacked. 184 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,720 You can enter a locked car, take something from it, 185 00:09:21,720 --> 00:09:24,440 like say a mobile phone, and then lock it back up again 186 00:09:24,440 --> 00:09:26,400 so that no one knows you've been there? 187 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:27,720 Does your dad stink of shit? 188 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:29,680 Here's a little curveball. 189 00:09:29,680 --> 00:09:31,680 How about we use your powers for good? 190 00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,920 Alfie, please tell me you don't want Frank to break into a car. 191 00:09:34,920 --> 00:09:36,600 Obviously not, Joe. 192 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:39,800 I want him to break into an ambulance. 193 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,120 -You're breaking the law, sir. -It's a crime of passion, Chantelle. 194 00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:49,280 Love does not answer to petty laws, rules and regulations. 195 00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:51,840 -I knew you'd see the light. -No physical contact. 196 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:53,880 Remember, don't break the six-inch rule. 197 00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:57,120 Oh, I won't, sir, you look like an eight or a nine. 198 00:09:57,120 --> 00:10:00,800 -Bingo. -Yes. 199 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:03,440 Quick rummage around, then I'll pop you back on the straight and narrow. 200 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:11,400 -This car smells of granddads. -Come on. Ah. 201 00:10:11,400 --> 00:10:13,640 Alfie, you can't go through someone's private messages. 202 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:17,800 Freedom of information. We deserve to know the truth, Joe. 203 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:21,360 This is Wickers leaks, information belongs to everyone. 204 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:23,160 Damn! No texts. 205 00:10:23,160 --> 00:10:26,160 Off you go then. I'm gonna take her out for a quick spin. 206 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:30,600 What? No. You're on the road to redemption, remember? 207 00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,680 [engine turns over] 208 00:10:33,680 --> 00:10:35,280 Sir. 209 00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:40,000 Don't worry, I've got this covered. 210 00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:42,680 There. Six children are locked into this vehicle. 211 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,680 None of them are wearing seatbelts. 212 00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,600 -What's your point? -Ah, come on, Frank. 213 00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,880 You're a tyke, a cheeky chappy, 214 00:10:49,880 --> 00:10:53,600 but there is no way that you would actually put our lives at risk. 215 00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:58,880 Checkmate, my friend. Check bloody mate. 216 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,960 -[laughing] -[screaming] 217 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:10,720 [Alfie] Please, stop! 218 00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:16,440 You know the only thing that could possibly make this day any better? 219 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:19,400 -Pub! -McDonald's. I meant the pub. 220 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,960 No, Frank, take us back. 221 00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,680 Oh, just shut up and put this on, in case we get pulled over, you dipshit. 222 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:28,200 Sir, why don't you text Miss Gulliver pretending to be Richard? 223 00:11:28,200 --> 00:11:30,120 One immediate problem with that plan, Stephen, 224 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,160 what if my natural wit and charm make her fall in love with him? 225 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:36,160 -I really wouldn't worry about that. -I guess you're right, Jing. 226 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:38,320 If I try really hard, I can probably transform myself 227 00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,520 into a desperate, repulsive little man. 228 00:11:41,520 --> 00:11:44,880 -And as if by magic... -Keep it simple, sir, start with a straightforward question. 229 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:48,480 Hmm. Did you have a nice time last night? 230 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:55,800 "Did you have a nice time last night?" 231 00:11:55,800 --> 00:11:57,840 Hmm. 232 00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:05,600 "It was smashing." 233 00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:07,440 -How many kisses? -Four. 234 00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,440 -Ooh. -And it's all in capitals. 235 00:12:09,440 --> 00:12:12,280 -That's not good. -[Stephen] Maybe she was being sarcastic. 236 00:12:12,280 --> 00:12:15,520 -It's hard to tell by text. -Make her show her hand. 237 00:12:15,520 --> 00:12:18,320 Try something subtle like "Apologies for the state of my balls." 238 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:22,880 Hardly subtle, Cleo. Hmm. No, I've got it. 239 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,640 [beeps] 240 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:28,440 "Last night I feel like we really connected." 241 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:32,680 Play it cool, Martin, you silver-tongued devil. 242 00:12:34,960 --> 00:12:37,280 "The rumpy-pumpy was tiptop. 243 00:12:37,280 --> 00:12:42,240 Fancy playing another hand of jiggery-pokery tonight?" Oh, my God, she lied to me. 244 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:47,560 I'm so sorry, Alfie. Maybe we should stop off somewhere and get you a glass of water. 245 00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:50,680 Or a McFlurry. 246 00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:51,840 [shouts] 247 00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,520 [tires screech] 248 00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:03,320 Why don't you text back some really messed up shit, sir? 249 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:08,160 Yeah, I can put Rosie off by texting her all the disgusting things 250 00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,000 Richard wants to do in the bedroom. 251 00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:12,000 Sounds like they've already done most of them. 252 00:13:12,000 --> 00:13:15,400 Trust me, Rosie was nearly physically sick when 253 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:18,000 another boyfriend asked her to do this. 254 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:22,800 -[beeps] -Oh, God, in heaven. With a squash ball? 255 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:26,720 Well, where would you-- Oh, that sounds good. 256 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:28,800 [music plays on cell phone] 257 00:13:28,800 --> 00:13:30,360 "Tonight, I'm gonna ride your hot derriere 258 00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:33,760 all the way down to pound town." 259 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,480 Your missus is dirt. 260 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:39,120 She's not my missus anymore. I can't believe this. 261 00:13:39,120 --> 00:13:41,320 -Come on, let's go. -Pub? 262 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,440 [all] Pub. 263 00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:45,880 [sighs] In for a penny. 264 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:53,520 Thank God you made it. Quick, I saw him collapse. He can't breathe. 265 00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,400 [stammers] No, no. Drive. Drive. 266 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:58,960 God, that was quick, we only called you five minutes ago. Come on. 267 00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:01,000 -The thing is, it's just that we-- -He's dying. 268 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:04,240 -Please help, please! -Okay, right. 269 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:09,280 -Coming, yep, yep. I can do this. Stay here. -Alfie. Alfie. Alfie. 270 00:14:09,280 --> 00:14:11,480 This is too good to miss. 271 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:14,760 [shouting] 272 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:17,520 Coming through! Definitely a paramedic. 273 00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,240 -Oh, shit, he doesn't look good. -[gasps] 274 00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:23,200 -Well, what's wrong with him? -Maybe it's a practical joke. Is he much of a joker? 275 00:14:23,200 --> 00:14:26,400 Never met him before. He just collapsed. Do something. 276 00:14:26,400 --> 00:14:28,320 Think he's trying to say something. 277 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,440 -Pen. -Ben? Your name is Ben? 278 00:14:31,440 --> 00:14:32,920 Pen. Pen. 279 00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,720 Hello, Ben, I'm Alfie. 280 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,200 We need to get you into the recovery position. 281 00:14:36,200 --> 00:14:38,240 -Pen. -Yeah, I got that. 282 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:40,360 I think he's actually saying "pen." 283 00:14:40,360 --> 00:14:42,160 Pen? That's a weird name. 284 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,280 Better do something, mate, he can't breathe. 285 00:14:44,280 --> 00:14:47,800 -A pen! -Pen. Yes, of course. 286 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,200 He's choking. There's something blocking his windpipe. He can't breathe. 287 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:55,920 I need to perform an emergency tracheotomy, use a biro to create an airway. 288 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:57,880 [Frank] Really? Are you sure about that? 289 00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,280 Yes, 100%, I saw it on Grey's Anatomy or Animal Hospital. 290 00:15:01,280 --> 00:15:04,600 Either way, the llama survived. I need a pen. Quickly. 291 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:06,400 Yeah, okay. Right. It's very simple. 292 00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:09,920 You just take out the inky bit, find the Adam's apple, 293 00:15:09,920 --> 00:15:12,160 -just restrain him for me. -Oh, I can't watch. 294 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,120 Okay. Ben, stay very calm. This may sting a little bit. 295 00:15:15,120 --> 00:15:17,440 -Three, two-- -Sir? 296 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,760 -[pierces skin] -[man gasps] 297 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:21,800 Do you think he meant his epi-pen? 298 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,160 I found it in his bag. 299 00:15:23,160 --> 00:15:27,760 Oh. Bad thing. 300 00:15:30,760 --> 00:15:33,320 Oh, God, we're gonna be in so much trouble. 301 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,240 Do you know what I do in times of great stress? 302 00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:41,560 If you say McDonald's, I may hit you. 303 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:49,480 -OMG, is that-- -The caretaker. What the hell? But he's paralyzed. 304 00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,680 -Where's his wheelchair? -I knew it. 305 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,240 Well, the important thing is that everyone's okay. 306 00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,520 If you've got any questions about the procedure, 307 00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:03,760 feel free to give me a call. 308 00:16:03,760 --> 00:16:05,720 I'll write down my number. 309 00:16:05,720 --> 00:16:08,280 Has anyone got a pen? 310 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:11,320 Inappropriate. 311 00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:12,600 [siren wails] 312 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,520 Oh. 313 00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:17,680 That will be the back-up ambulance 314 00:16:17,680 --> 00:16:20,920 that they send just in case. 315 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,560 We should probably go fill them in. 316 00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:26,960 Keep moving. Keep moving. 317 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:32,720 Right, come on, let's get out of here. 318 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:36,480 Sir, you're never gonna believe who we just saw-- your little friend, Pod. 319 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:39,400 -[Chantelle] And he wasn't in his wheelchair. -Don't be ridiculous. 320 00:16:39,400 --> 00:16:40,920 They're telling the truth. You've been fooled. 321 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,000 Sir, we might wanna get moving. 322 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:47,520 Right, come on, let's go. Back to school. 323 00:16:47,520 --> 00:16:49,160 But first, we gotta clean this thing up. 324 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:51,360 -No one can know that we did this. -Don't worry. 325 00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:55,880 There's a tried and tested industry secret for that. 326 00:16:57,560 --> 00:17:00,560 This isn't quite what I had in mind. 327 00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:06,360 Anyone got a light? 328 00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,160 Right, after this it's straight back to school. 329 00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,000 -I've got a liar to expose. -Pod. 330 00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:13,760 No, Miss Gulliver. 331 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:27,720 Come on, Jing, like you've never torched an ambulance before. 332 00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:35,280 Right, think we're done here. 333 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:37,400 Let's go find a bus stop. 334 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,360 [bell rings] 335 00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:44,760 My worst nightmare. 336 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,120 -Alfie, have you seen-- -No, haven't seen it all day. Where did you leave it parked? 337 00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:50,840 -Martin. -He needs the key to the cashbox. 338 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,320 Oh, shit, sorry. Yeah, okay, I'll give it to him. 339 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:57,360 That's a promise. You do know what promises are, right? 340 00:17:57,360 --> 00:18:00,160 Wait, how did you know that Richard's ambulance is missing? 341 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:02,200 You have no right to question me. 342 00:18:02,200 --> 00:18:03,800 No, seriously, how did you know? 343 00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:07,400 -Well-- -There was a bear. 344 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:10,560 -Yeah, we torched it. -I'm sure it'll turn up. 345 00:18:10,560 --> 00:18:14,400 Anyway, Pod is inbound and the Watford Guardian are coming down, 346 00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:16,160 so I better go and lay out some coffee and bisquars. 347 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:20,000 Ooh, he likes his coffee milky and a little custard cream on the side. 348 00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:24,400 You may have to dunk it a few times 'cause he finds chewing quite painful on his back. 349 00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:26,760 How are you finding your new class, Frank? 350 00:18:26,760 --> 00:18:28,920 Did you have a good day with Mr. Wickers? 351 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,960 Mr. Wickers has literally saved my life. 352 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:34,240 s that a tiny exaggeration? 353 00:18:34,240 --> 00:18:38,240 I was trapped in a self-destructive cycle until Mr. Wickers, 354 00:18:38,240 --> 00:18:40,200 well, he showed me the light. 355 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,960 Yeah, I've redeemed young Francis, much like Christ 356 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:48,560 redeemed the wayward pirates of Bethlehem. 357 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:52,200 So, so much for Richard's bullshit. 358 00:18:52,200 --> 00:18:58,160 All I needed to change my ways is my new best mate-- Alfie. 359 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:02,320 -Wow. -Okay. 360 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,400 They can't give that money to a fraud. We need to say something. 361 00:19:08,400 --> 00:19:11,920 He's not a fraud. And anyway, what are you gonna say, 362 00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:16,560 that we saw a paralyzed man walking around whilst we were joyriding a stolen ambulance? 363 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:20,400 -But, sir. -Just drop it. I need to find my dad. 364 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:21,720 Come on. 365 00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:29,960 Dad? Dad? Hey. 366 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,360 I've got you the key for that moneybox. 367 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,800 Sorry, dude, couldn't hear ya. 368 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,280 Radio 4. Getting my Toksvig on. 369 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:37,760 Good news, smoocher. 370 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:39,960 You kept the receipts to this ridiculous outfit? 371 00:19:39,960 --> 00:19:42,600 You're talking about this old friend? 372 00:19:42,600 --> 00:19:44,280 We can start with that. 373 00:19:44,280 --> 00:19:46,360 100% real pleather. 374 00:19:46,360 --> 00:19:49,920 All the advantages of leather, plus it folds up into this handy pouch. 375 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,120 -Pretty snazzy, eh? -Wow. 376 00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:56,320 I presume we have your new girlfriend to blame for this abomination. 377 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,360 Whoa. Do not use the G word. 378 00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,440 We're just cuddle buddies. 379 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:02,640 Hump chums, no strings. 380 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,800 Well, one string with beads attached. 381 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,680 It's actually rather more comfortable than it looks. 382 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,560 -Stop. -I'm just sowing my wild oats. 383 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:12,880 Your wild oats turned to porridge in 1978. 384 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,920 And we've been sexting. 385 00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:17,760 The saucy wench took my digital cherry. 386 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:19,680 I want you to meet her tonight. 387 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,840 After what you just said? No way. 388 00:20:21,840 --> 00:20:26,600 Well, I can't move in with her until I've got your stamp of approval, 389 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,880 so it looks like I'm bunking at yours. 390 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,840 Actually, changed my mind. She sounds great. 391 00:20:30,840 --> 00:20:33,960 The sexting, the beads, I think she's the one. 392 00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,560 Dinner at 8:00 then. 393 00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:42,360 Oh. There's one thing I forgot to tell you about my new portion of heiny. 394 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,400 Where the hell is that key? 395 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:49,000 Oh, my God. Grayson. Sorry, Dad. 396 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:58,480 Frank! You lied to me. You haven't changed. 397 00:20:58,480 --> 00:21:01,240 -That hug meant nothing. -Ah, don't cry about it, Downton. 398 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:05,200 -If you don't give me that cashbox right now, I'm gonna-- -You'll what? 399 00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:08,520 You touch me and I'll tell everyone you're a pedo. 400 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:12,400 Oh, Frank, you've been held back so many years I doubt you're even underage. 401 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:13,920 Now give me that cashbox. 402 00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,160 [grunting] 403 00:21:15,160 --> 00:21:16,760 What the hell is going on? 404 00:21:24,880 --> 00:21:27,400 I'm sorry, I don't know what's keeping them. 405 00:21:34,320 --> 00:21:36,400 I can't believe that you did this. 406 00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:38,520 No, Alfie, you mustn't blame yourself. 407 00:21:38,520 --> 00:21:40,720 You couldn't reform Frank. You're out of your depth. 408 00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:44,880 Whoa. Sorry, you think Frank was trying to steal this money? 409 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,920 After all those things he said about me basically being Jesus? 410 00:21:47,920 --> 00:21:50,840 He lied to you, Alfie. He lied to everyone. 411 00:21:50,840 --> 00:21:53,800 There's only one liar in this room, and it's not Frank. 412 00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,480 Well, then why was the door crowbarred open? 413 00:21:55,480 --> 00:21:59,800 Because he was so bloody desperate 414 00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,240 to give that money to poor old Pod. 415 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,200 Alfie, lying on Frank's behalf can make you an accomplice. 416 00:22:04,200 --> 00:22:07,320 Oh, so what, you think I'm just gonna sell my pal Frank down the river? 417 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,800 Haven't you heard of honor amongst non thieves? 418 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:14,640 I would have to be the most disloyal, cowardly, treacherous-- 419 00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:16,120 -You could go to prison. -Frank did it. 420 00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:19,280 -You're dead, you rat. -Martin. 421 00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:23,680 Oh, the reception's a bit patchy in here. 422 00:22:23,680 --> 00:22:25,680 So you're gonna hold it half a foot closer to the satellite? 423 00:22:25,680 --> 00:22:27,920 Oh, you're right, I'm being stupid. 424 00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:34,000 Okay, well, you stay here and look after Frank. 425 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,920 We're gonna have to deal with this after the presentation, 426 00:22:35,920 --> 00:22:37,400 which we're late for. 427 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:40,000 I just hope Fraser's entertaining them. 428 00:22:40,000 --> 00:22:42,480 [dance music playing] 429 00:23:01,520 --> 00:23:06,240 Sorry we're late. Shall we get started? 430 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,880 -Did somebody die? -You could say that. 431 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:13,960 Okay. So, we're gathered here today to honor a very special man. Pod. 432 00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,440 Thanks to the money that we as a school have raised, 433 00:23:17,440 --> 00:23:21,200 -Pod is gonna be able to travel to Las Vegas. -Stop! 434 00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:24,200 -You can't go on with this. -Right, this isn't Runaway Bride. 435 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:28,720 -Pod's a fraud. -We've been over this, Stephen. He's not a fraud. 436 00:23:28,720 --> 00:23:32,440 We saw him walking near the shopping center this afternoon. On my life. 437 00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,800 But that's on the other side of town. Why were you there? 438 00:23:35,800 --> 00:23:39,400 Um... you know where they found Richard III in a car park? 439 00:23:39,400 --> 00:23:43,760 Well, I had seen a speed bump that looked incredibly like Henry VIII. 440 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,480 -We stole an ambulance and went for a joyride. -[crowd clamoring] 441 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:50,200 -Yeah, thanks, Joe. -You what? Alfie, you lied to me. 442 00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:53,840 -Yeah, well, you're hardly one to talk. -Why do you keep saying that? 443 00:23:53,840 --> 00:23:58,000 Sort your drams out later. I wore a chugger bib for this monster. 444 00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,480 You hold your tongue, Stephen. For the hundredth time, 445 00:24:01,480 --> 00:24:05,000 because of me Pod, is paralyzed from the waist down. 446 00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,680 And for the millionth time, no, he's not. He's a fake. 447 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,360 Oh, he's faking it, is he, Jing? 448 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:12,720 How come if he's faking it, 449 00:24:12,720 --> 00:24:15,960 -when I do this, he doesn't feel a thing? -[crowd gasps] 450 00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:20,120 I'll tell you why, because he is paralyzed. 451 00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,440 -He winced. -He didn't wince. 452 00:24:22,440 --> 00:24:24,440 Yes, he did. You lying little bitch. 453 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:27,600 How dare you call Pod a bitch. 454 00:24:27,600 --> 00:24:29,560 Ah, for God's sake. 455 00:24:30,400 --> 00:24:32,880 [screaming] 456 00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:37,240 -Stop it. Stop it! -Pod. 457 00:24:37,240 --> 00:24:38,600 How could you? 458 00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:42,120 Where there's blame, there's a claim? 459 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,880 I wiped your bottom. 460 00:24:44,880 --> 00:24:47,600 [laughs] 461 00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:54,520 That's the puppy. Send. 462 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,960 Can't believe that you would steal Richard's ambulance. 463 00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,760 -Yeah, well, at least I didn't lie about it. Much. -What's your problem? 464 00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:06,560 -My problem is that you have been texting Richard all day. -What are you talking about? 465 00:25:06,560 --> 00:25:09,920 "I'm gonna ride your hot derrière all the way to pound town." 466 00:25:09,920 --> 00:25:11,600 -Oh, God. -Ring any bells? 467 00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:13,720 You're shagging Richard. I know it, you know it, 468 00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:17,360 -so don't embarrass yourself. -[song plays on cell phone] 469 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,280 -That sounds like Richard's phone. -No, it's not. 470 00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:24,400 I love opera music. That's Paul Potts singing the "Pink Flute" 471 00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:27,800 by Mario Balotelli. 472 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:28,560 Let me see that phone. 473 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:31,680 Fine. Yeah, you can, 474 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:34,320 then everyone'll know the truth. Read it and weep. 475 00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,680 -Oh, please don't. -Oh, God. 476 00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:40,920 The ivory trade sickens me. Look, they've hacked off half its trunk. 477 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,600 It's disgusting. 478 00:25:42,600 --> 00:25:45,960 -That's not an elephant. -Oh, God, Frank, don't look. 479 00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:47,920 I recognize those from somewhere. 480 00:25:47,920 --> 00:25:49,760 -Boarding school? -Oh, my God. 481 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:53,880 -Oh, it's a rank old-- -Is isn't that bad. 482 00:25:53,880 --> 00:25:55,280 I thought it was rather distinguished. 483 00:25:55,280 --> 00:25:57,720 You can't deny that's not your number. We've been texting all day. 484 00:25:57,720 --> 00:26:01,240 Yes, it's my number, but I lost my phone this morning. 485 00:26:01,240 --> 00:26:06,400 Then who's the pervert that's been sending me these disgusting text messages? 486 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:08,360 Just call the number, you spanner. 487 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:12,400 -[beeps] -[song plays on cell phone] 488 00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:20,160 Oh, for-- Dad. Pound town? Really? 489 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:22,760 You've been sexting your own dad. [laughs] 490 00:26:22,760 --> 00:26:25,920 -I'm sorry, Rosie. -Hmm. 491 00:26:25,920 --> 00:26:29,360 Great news, gang. When I threatened to call the police, 492 00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:32,560 Pod tried to leg it straight into oncoming traffic. 493 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,560 Looks like he will need that wheelchair after all. 494 00:26:34,560 --> 00:26:37,800 Oh, sweet, it's one of those bald cats from Japan. 495 00:26:50,760 --> 00:26:54,880 -[coughs] About those sexts-- -Just don't. 496 00:26:56,600 --> 00:27:00,280 Listen, there's something I forgot to mention before they arrive. 497 00:27:00,280 --> 00:27:01,520 They? 498 00:27:01,520 --> 00:27:03,240 -The thing is-- -Hiya, handsome. 499 00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:07,160 Oh, Catherine. Hello. 500 00:27:11,280 --> 00:27:13,640 Wait, don't I know you? 501 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:17,640 Well, of course you do, my boy goes to your school. 502 00:27:17,640 --> 00:27:19,800 Catherine... 503 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:22,920 Grayson. 504 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:24,440 Meet your new stepbrother. 505 00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:27,800 Oh, my God. 506 00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:31,560 And good news, I managed to wrap my lips round a few high ranking proverbials 507 00:27:31,560 --> 00:27:33,640 and Frank's not being expelled. 508 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:37,720 The school run's gonna be so much fun. 509 00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:44,160 Checkmate, motherfu-- 510 00:27:44,160 --> 00:27:46,720 [upbeat music playing] 511 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,960 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 512 00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,560 [man rapping]