1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,400 [school bell rings] 2 00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:10,880 So I sacked the PE teacher again. 3 00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:13,320 After last year's dead heat at the Sports Day, 4 00:00:13,320 --> 00:00:14,960 I told him to install camera technology. 5 00:00:14,960 --> 00:00:19,680 Sadly, he misunderstood the phrase "photo finish." A line was crossed. 6 00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:23,360 Anywhose, this year's Sports Day is but upon us and-- 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,360 No way, never gonna happen, not doing it. 8 00:00:25,360 --> 00:00:28,000 Calm down, dear, it's not you. 9 00:00:28,000 --> 00:00:32,680 Now don't overreact, but it's time to meet Abbey Grove's new PE teacher. 10 00:00:32,680 --> 00:00:35,720 Mr. Preet van der Plessis. 11 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,800 Hush, hush, moffie. 12 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:49,840 Daddy's bought you some white chocolate from his trip to prison. 13 00:00:52,320 --> 00:00:56,960 [upbeat music playing] 14 00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,680 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 15 00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:14,840 [man rapping] 16 00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,680 You can't employ him. He's a psychopath. 17 00:01:23,680 --> 00:01:26,680 Here, chummy, I hold my hand up, yeah. 18 00:01:26,680 --> 00:01:29,120 I make mistakes, but I've changed. 19 00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,800 He attacked me with a riot baton. 20 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:32,880 That's Preet's way of saying, "I love you," 21 00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,640 and I've got a couple of broken ribs to prove it. 22 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:36,840 Plus he's very cheap. 23 00:01:36,840 --> 00:01:39,760 [shouts, laughs] TIA. 24 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:41,720 Oh, I've missed this stumpy pecker. 25 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,280 You still smoking the bars, yeah? No, I'm messing, scappy. 26 00:01:44,280 --> 00:01:47,480 -Ugh! -Classic Preet. 27 00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:49,720 [laughs] Look, Alf, yes, 28 00:01:49,720 --> 00:01:53,320 he may have assaulted you and, yes, that may have resulted in a teeny prison stretch, 29 00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,720 but he's had extensive anger management, art therapy. 30 00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:58,440 You couldn't meet a more stable guy. 31 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:00,920 -Boo! -That therapy's worked a treat. 32 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,600 Yeah, I watched the movie Mandela. I only laughed once. 33 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:05,720 Well, maybe. 34 00:02:05,720 --> 00:02:07,760 When he gets sentenced, his face. 35 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,880 [laughs] Priceless. 36 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:12,400 Look, Alfie, Preet's lost his job. 37 00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,800 It turns out my gym doesn't employ anyone with a criminal record. 38 00:02:15,800 --> 00:02:16,440 Neither do schools. 39 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:17,360 Not this school. 40 00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:19,800 I believe everyone deserves a second chance. 41 00:02:19,800 --> 00:02:21,520 Who wants to celebrate with some qat? 42 00:02:21,520 --> 00:02:26,360 It's like bay leaf, only it's also an amphetamine. 43 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:29,800 Everyone deserves a third chance. 44 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,360 Right, Sports Day, you know the drill. 45 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:43,240 Sir draws our events out of a hat. That way the humiliation's at random. 46 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:46,520 Okay. Andre, egg and spoon race. 47 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,640 Raj, 800 meters. 48 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:53,520 Rem Dogg, wheelbarrow race. 49 00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,280 Boom! Third year in a row. 50 00:02:55,280 --> 00:02:57,280 What a convenient coincidence. 51 00:02:57,280 --> 00:02:59,160 Stephen, sack race. 52 00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:02,120 I am not wearing a sack in public. Please let me customize it, sir. 53 00:03:02,120 --> 00:03:03,680 Fine, whatever. 54 00:03:03,680 --> 00:03:05,760 Chantelle, three-legged race. 55 00:03:05,760 --> 00:03:07,360 You know all about that, tripod. 56 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:10,200 -Cleo. -I ain't doing no bait Sports Day. 57 00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:13,360 -100 meter dash. -What, 'cause I'm black, you think I can sprint? 58 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,400 What, no, it's all random. 59 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:19,520 Why don't you just make me run with a boom box or put a bargain bucket on the finishing line? 60 00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,920 -Oh, God. -Oh sorry, ain't there a bobsleigh team? 61 00:03:21,920 --> 00:03:23,800 -You can sit this one out. -Correct. 62 00:03:23,800 --> 00:03:27,280 I'm out too. I'm covering Sports Day for the school's newspaper. 63 00:03:27,280 --> 00:03:29,600 Did you guys read my latest edition? 64 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:34,360 -It's just a bit dry, babe. -Dry but very absorbent. 65 00:03:34,360 --> 00:03:37,600 You need to give the readers what they want-- sex, scandal and Kimye. 66 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:41,520 You want a scandal. I heard Melanie Chubb, right, went to the toilet 67 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:42,840 and accidentally wiped her fanny with her dress. 68 00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,360 -OMG, drams, give me dates. -God help me. 69 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:47,960 We're all in the gutter, Jing, 70 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,720 but some of us are looking up the miniskirts of the stars. 71 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,760 -Alfie, can I have a quick word? -Yeah. 72 00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:59,160 Look, I just wanted to tell you something 73 00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:01,000 because I didn't want you to hear it from anyone else. 74 00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,960 You're sleeping with Richard, aren't you? 75 00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:04,560 You're in love with him. You're gonna get married. 76 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,720 I just wanted to tell you that Richard's coming to Sports Day. 77 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:08,560 Why? What event's he doing? 78 00:04:08,560 --> 00:04:10,600 The race to get his affairs in order? 79 00:04:10,600 --> 00:04:14,400 St. Mark's Ambulance do our first aid and Richard volunteers for them. 80 00:04:14,400 --> 00:04:17,400 Are you sure? Maybe he just keeps being brought home in an ambulance? 81 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,680 He's saying your boyfriend's a scrotum-faced old buttfucker. 82 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:21,160 Right, would you please stop doing that? 83 00:04:21,160 --> 00:04:23,600 For the last time, Richard is not my boyfriend. 84 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:26,520 That man is a coiled serpent waiting to spring. 85 00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:30,800 The little prawn prince doesn't want this cocksucker at Sports Day. 86 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,120 But never fear, for I'm trained in first-aid too. 87 00:04:33,120 --> 00:04:35,920 Stand Richard down, Preet's got it covered. 88 00:04:35,920 --> 00:04:40,960 Yeah, in prison, I sucked the shank out of a warden's neck. 89 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:45,960 Maybe let's keep Richard as plan "A." 90 00:04:47,760 --> 00:04:50,560 Hey, I thought you were sticking it... [gibberish] 91 00:04:50,560 --> 00:04:51,840 We're on a break. 92 00:04:51,840 --> 00:04:53,480 Oh. Fuck the fuck. 93 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:55,760 Mongrel's off the leash, eh? 94 00:04:55,760 --> 00:04:58,480 Maybe tonight we should hit up a few... [speaks foreign language] 95 00:04:58,480 --> 00:05:00,640 Lock and load, go on the hunt for cooch. 96 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:02,760 Yeah, never gonna happen. 97 00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,840 -[students gasping] -Why are you wet? 98 00:05:08,840 --> 00:05:12,360 I don't fit in my locker anymore so Grayson lubed me. 99 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,800 Lube helps, sir, if you're trying to squeeze into something small. 100 00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,160 Yes, thank you, Chantelle, I know what lubricant is. 101 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:20,880 I was in there for an hour. Thank God I keep it well-stocked with snacks. 102 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:22,280 That may be why you don't fit. 103 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:25,000 Grayson's gonna keep giving you shit till you slap him down, mate. 104 00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,400 -Girlfriend's got a point. -Don't ever call me girlfriend again. 105 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:30,200 -Noted. -You should use Sports Day to put him in his place. 106 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:33,120 This is your chance to take Grayson down in front of the whole school. 107 00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:35,760 Everyone loves an underdog. I can picture the headlines. 108 00:05:35,760 --> 00:05:40,880 Jing's right. This is your perfect chance to beat Grayson at the hurdles. 109 00:05:40,880 --> 00:05:42,680 -Maybe not. -Kill me. 110 00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:46,360 Hash light bulb. That old guy that tried to attach on to Miss G., 111 00:05:46,360 --> 00:05:49,400 he's going to Sports Day, right? Why don't you challenge him? 112 00:05:49,400 --> 00:05:50,160 Show Miss G. what she's missing. 113 00:05:50,160 --> 00:05:52,160 That is a brilliant idea. 114 00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:54,920 Challenge him at what? You're even slower and weaker than me. 115 00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,680 Isn't it obvious? Good old-fashioned dance-off. 116 00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,280 I can bust a few moves out of my hip hop locker. 117 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,280 Your hip hop moves are about this far from a race crime. 118 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:04,960 What you talking about? 119 00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:07,560 ♪ I ain't saying she a gold-digger ♪ 120 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,440 ♪ But I ain't messing with no bro-- ♪ 121 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:12,520 Man of Afro-Caribbean origin. 122 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:15,200 What about a teacher and parent race? 123 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:18,840 Perfect. Well, I guess we'll have to hit the gym. 124 00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:21,400 -We? -Well, I can't do this on my own. 125 00:06:21,400 --> 00:06:23,960 Look, guys, I know historically we've never done well at Sports Day, 126 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,320 but this is the last one ever. Wouldn't it be great, just once, 127 00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:30,400 to taste the sweet nectar of glory? 128 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,880 -You know how this plays out. -Okay, I'll buy you a Nando's. 129 00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:38,440 [cheering] 130 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:42,800 -Three, two-- -Preet. 131 00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,560 Hello, moffie. My first PE lesson. 132 00:06:45,560 --> 00:06:47,440 I'm breaking these little bocker tots in gently. 133 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:49,560 What are you playing? "It," "Stuck in the Mud"? 134 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:53,880 -Hunger Games. -Cool. 135 00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,800 Look, you used to be a personal trainer, right? 136 00:06:56,800 --> 00:07:00,640 Yeah, until the gym fired me. They didn't like me trying to segregate customers. 137 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,200 Actually, I'm with you on that. 138 00:07:03,200 --> 00:07:05,480 I way prefer gyms where the men's and women's bits are separate, less intimidating, eh? 139 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:08,000 Oh, I didn't divide them by gender. 140 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:11,840 Right. Look, I need you to put me and my class 141 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:14,240 on a crash course before Sports Day. 142 00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:19,400 Ha! But you're just a child. I could smell your mother's milk on your breath. 143 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,400 You're not ready to spar with Preet van der Plessis. 144 00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:24,760 I don't want to fight you. I just want some training. 145 00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,440 If you place yourself in my hands, 146 00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:33,880 I will push you to the limits of human endurance. 147 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,480 I will take you to a world of pain that can change a man forever, 148 00:07:37,480 --> 00:07:40,000 put the fire of Africa in your yum-yums. 149 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,400 So ask yourself one question, moffie. 150 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:45,240 Are you ready for the Preet heat? 151 00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:48,680 Yeah. 152 00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,440 Could you uncup me now? 153 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,120 -Ah. -[blows whistle] 154 00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:05,760 My body's a temple, time to sacrifice some carbs to the bod God. 155 00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,760 Bird's gotta keep that cracking little tush in trim, eh? 156 00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:10,720 Bit much. Protein shake anyone? 157 00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:12,680 [Preet] What flavor? 158 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,640 Banana. Hey, try mine. 159 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,800 It's got shavings of real ivory. Gives you purchase balls. 160 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:20,720 No, thank you. 161 00:08:20,720 --> 00:08:23,240 Why are you drinking a protein shake? 162 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,120 Getting ready for the parents and teachers race at Sports Day. 163 00:08:25,120 --> 00:08:28,280 One question. Can I do it in my fun-run fancy dress? 164 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,400 -Okay. -Yes. 165 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,480 Anyone can enter-- parents, teachers, 166 00:08:32,480 --> 00:08:36,000 medics, young, old, basically dead. 167 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:38,280 Oh. I can invite Richard. 168 00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:40,160 How do we get in contact with someone like him? 169 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:43,160 Morse code, pigeon, séance. 170 00:08:43,160 --> 00:08:44,840 You know what? I'm sure he'll jump at the opportunity. 171 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,520 Please, probably hasn't jumped since "Hammer Time." 172 00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:50,280 -[laughs] Hey, can't touch this. -Skeletal. 173 00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:55,800 Oh, and just so you know, Richard used to sprint for his university. 174 00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:58,960 Babe, you have no idea how quick I am over the finish line. 175 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:01,200 Oh, I think I do. 176 00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,480 Alf, could you really beat Richard? 177 00:09:03,480 --> 00:09:08,480 Well, she said that he was a sprinter so let's make it an endurance event. 178 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:11,800 You got it. I'll design it myself. 179 00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,800 -I'll call it "The Master Race." -We probably won't. 180 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:18,600 The old gang back together, eh? The boys, the lads, the lady killers. 181 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:23,480 Never proven. Come, moffie, I wish to make you sweat. 182 00:09:28,440 --> 00:09:31,800 Right, I've found a brown leather coat on net-a-porter.com. 183 00:09:31,800 --> 00:09:33,480 At a push, it works with the sackcloth. 184 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:36,480 Have you read the newspaper yet? I can't believe it. 185 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,760 Steroids? Jing, is this for real? 186 00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:41,360 [Jing] Yep, someone at the school's been taking steroids. 187 00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:45,440 -We'll be publishing exclusives all week. -I should get some steroids. 188 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:48,200 Joe, you don't need steroids, Preet's training us. 189 00:09:48,200 --> 00:09:50,800 I can't believe they let that psycho back in here. 190 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:55,560 He's not a psycho. Preet's had something called art therapy. 191 00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,400 It's really mellowed him. 192 00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:02,560 Listen up, you scrawny, pimple-necked cat-fecking pieces of shit! 193 00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,960 -Preet? -Sorry, sorry. 194 00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:07,640 [clears throat] 195 00:10:07,640 --> 00:10:10,640 ♪ Hi-de-hi, kinderbok, I'm Uncle Preet ♪ 196 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:13,480 -He's scary when he's being nice. -On your feet. 197 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,520 Oh, dear. Oh, dear, oh, dear. 198 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:26,960 Non-regulation socks. 199 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:29,720 So, I don't have white socks, big deal. 200 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,400 Do you know what happens when you mix whites and coloreds? 201 00:10:32,400 --> 00:10:34,840 -It ruins your wash? -Society crumbles. 202 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,160 This is all I had. 203 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,600 You have broken the ancient code of physical education. You know the punishment. 204 00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:42,320 Can I remind you I am a teacher? 205 00:10:42,320 --> 00:10:46,320 Do you want me to train you or not. 206 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:49,680 -Yes. -Let's dance. 207 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,360 [dance music playing] 208 00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,440 ♪ Yeah, come on ♪ 209 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:04,800 ♪ I got it, I need it... ♪ 210 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:06,360 [blows whistle] 211 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,720 ♪ I got it, I need it, I can't wait to see it ♪ 212 00:11:08,720 --> 00:11:13,200 ♪ I can't wait no, I can't wait, no ♪ 213 00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:15,600 [grunting] 214 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:19,440 ♪ I can't wait ♪ 215 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:25,600 [winces] 216 00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,200 [grunting] 217 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:34,600 [grunting] 218 00:11:34,600 --> 00:11:38,920 I'll never beat Grayson. He hurdles for the school team. 219 00:11:38,920 --> 00:11:40,920 Joe, you've got an Olympic record. 220 00:11:40,920 --> 00:11:44,880 I'm the fastest under 18 to finish the Little Chef Olympic Breakfast. 221 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,840 That's part of the problem, not the solution. 222 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:49,960 Bullshit. Joe, you have got the hunger. 223 00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:53,760 When you see a barrier, you don't stop, you power on through. 224 00:11:53,760 --> 00:11:56,840 Great, but aren't I supposed by jumping over the barriers? 225 00:11:56,840 --> 00:11:58,800 What are you doing? 226 00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:03,800 Just fixing up this bad boy so I can teach and burn at the same time. 227 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:05,320 Alfie, I know you're hurting, 228 00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:09,000 but losing to Richard in front of everyone is only gonna make things worse. 229 00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:12,200 [scoffs] Me lose to Richard, please. 230 00:12:12,200 --> 00:12:14,480 Name one thing he's got that I haven't. 231 00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:16,880 Sensitivity, maturity, charm. 232 00:12:16,880 --> 00:12:18,960 Yeah, well, I said one thing, not three. 233 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:21,720 And, anyway, at least I'm biodegradable. 234 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:26,200 Yeah, his plastic hips ain't gonna be decomposing any time soon. 235 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:30,840 Now if you'd kindly vamoose from the artist's studio, 236 00:12:30,840 --> 00:12:35,400 have got a body to sculpt. Oh! 237 00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,880 See you later, Michelangelo. 238 00:12:38,880 --> 00:12:42,000 I think I've broken my coccyx. 239 00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:05,360 If you have a thirst for the crease, 240 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:07,200 you can always play for my village team. 241 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,480 I bet you can still trouble a boundary, eh? 242 00:13:09,480 --> 00:13:12,400 [laughs] Have you been talking to my ex-wife? 243 00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:15,400 Which one? [laughs] 244 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,920 Ah, smoocher, come perch. 245 00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,160 We were just chinwagging about the pick and pock of leather on willow. 246 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:22,760 Sorry, I don't speak Last of the Summer Wine. 247 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:25,760 -We share a love of cricket. -Rosie informs me 248 00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:29,000 that my presence is requested at the adults race. 249 00:13:29,000 --> 00:13:31,440 Yeah, Richard, and you better bring your "A" game, mate. 250 00:13:31,440 --> 00:13:34,880 Absolutely, but in the words of the Greek philosopher Epictetus, 251 00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:37,440 it is not the winning, but the taking part which counts. 252 00:13:37,440 --> 00:13:40,440 Well, in the words of Alfie Wickers, 253 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:43,520 I hope your silly little ambulance has got room for both your assholes, 254 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:45,000 'cause I'm gonna tear you a new one. 255 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:47,880 [laughs] Brilliant. A new asshole. 256 00:13:47,880 --> 00:13:50,360 I must remember that one for bridge club. 257 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,320 You play bridge as well, which discipline? 258 00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,400 Rubber. 259 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:56,880 Next you'll be telling me you go to Bang Bangs Massage Parlor 260 00:13:56,880 --> 00:13:59,000 in Tring with the nice Thai ladies. 261 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,280 -No, no, I-- -Right, you, here. 262 00:14:03,280 --> 00:14:04,800 [whispers] What the hell was all that about? 263 00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:06,480 Why are you being so friendly with Richard? 264 00:14:06,480 --> 00:14:08,720 Richard-- what's wrong with him? 265 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,800 -Other than the fact that he's trying to shag my girlfriend? -Yes. 266 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,560 ♪ What's that coming over the hill, is it a monster? ♪ 267 00:14:16,560 --> 00:14:19,840 -♪ Is it a monster? ♪ -Jesus Christ. 268 00:14:19,840 --> 00:14:21,320 Great costume, chap. 269 00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:25,560 I like yours too, weird, old, random bus conductor man. 270 00:14:25,560 --> 00:14:28,320 Oh, God, sorry, I haven't introduced you. 271 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,800 -Fraser, this is my-- -A privilege to finally meet your father. 272 00:14:31,800 --> 00:14:34,240 Rosie talks about her old man non-stop. 273 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,440 -No, Fraser, this-- -But where's Mrs. Gulliver? 274 00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,920 Preet, come and meet Rosie's dad. 275 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,920 Hello, there, you old fat fecker. Stukkie's a very confident lady. 276 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,920 We're a little belt shy, eh, friend? 277 00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:47,800 Actually, I'm not Rosie's pater. 278 00:14:47,800 --> 00:14:51,120 This is Richard, my... 279 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:54,400 friend. 280 00:14:57,800 --> 00:15:00,880 [sighs] 281 00:15:00,880 --> 00:15:04,280 Did I tell you I'm entering the mother's sack race? 282 00:15:04,280 --> 00:15:06,320 Oh, not this joke. Every year. 283 00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,160 Gotta get one of those hot mamas into the sack. 284 00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,600 [laughing] 285 00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:15,160 Come, I have a surprise for you. 286 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:23,320 Right, Preet, when I said obstacles I meant, like, a few hurdles. 287 00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,560 The most brutal obstacle course known to man. 288 00:15:25,560 --> 00:15:29,640 -And I've got a truckload of attack dogs coming, too. -Attack dogs? 289 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:34,200 And how do you plan to control a pack of attack dogs with children? 290 00:15:34,200 --> 00:15:37,360 You've got a tranquilizer gun. Of course you do. 291 00:15:37,360 --> 00:15:40,760 -Is that legal? -No, it's a gray area. 292 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:45,640 Pick up, chinny. That cat-guzzling old goat will faint just looking at this. 293 00:15:45,640 --> 00:15:48,240 Or my name's not Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig 294 00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:52,760 Hoitetoit Goosenhousen Tabactablanche Vestavesen Voota van der Plessis. 295 00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:55,160 Yeah, I mean, I wanted to test his endurance, 296 00:15:55,160 --> 00:15:57,400 but this could actually kill me. 297 00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,880 As I told my cellmate the night I tattooed his back with Biro ink 298 00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:04,880 and a red hot needle, "Pain is temporary, glory is forever." 299 00:16:04,880 --> 00:16:07,440 TIA, bro. This is Africa. 300 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:10,920 Yeah. TIT, this is Tring. 301 00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:14,720 -[cheering] -[Fraser] On your marks. 302 00:16:14,720 --> 00:16:17,320 -Go on, Chantelle! -Get set. 303 00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:19,320 Right, if you help me win this, I'll let you touch my tit. 304 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:22,520 Go! [blows whistle] 305 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:39,400 On your marks, get set, go! 306 00:16:57,680 --> 00:16:59,280 Go, Stephen. 307 00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:05,840 Shit, that boy can work it. 308 00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,560 Yeah, I suspect he may be disqualified. 309 00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,520 Shamazing. 310 00:17:14,520 --> 00:17:16,840 Joe. 311 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:19,000 Oh, there you are buddy. 312 00:17:19,000 --> 00:17:20,280 Come on, it's time for the hurdles. 313 00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:21,840 I don't wanna do it. 314 00:17:21,840 --> 00:17:25,320 I'll never beat Grayson. This was a stupid idea. 315 00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:26,560 But the Olympic breakfast. 316 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:28,520 Forget the breakfast, Alfie. 317 00:17:28,520 --> 00:17:31,640 Joe, remember what I said. When you hit a barrier, 318 00:17:31,640 --> 00:17:34,800 you don't stop, you power on through. 319 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,800 That's how you're gonna beat Grayson. That and by making sure you run in lane three. 320 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,800 -I don't get it. -Just trust me. 321 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:45,760 Shut your eyes and run like the time you got the shits on the Cutty Sark. 322 00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,120 "To Joe, good luck, Grayson." 323 00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:58,160 Get down! 324 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,920 [loud thud] 325 00:18:07,440 --> 00:18:12,600 All right, Shrek. Smile for the camera, this shit's going on Roo Tube. 326 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,280 He looks angry. 327 00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:23,200 On your marks, get set, go! 328 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,240 -[blows whistle] -[screaming] 329 00:18:32,120 --> 00:18:34,800 I think I know who's been taking them steroids in. 330 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,320 Joe's not on steroids. 331 00:18:37,320 --> 00:18:38,960 I weakened his hurdles. 332 00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:47,800 [shouts] 333 00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:53,240 -[cheering] -Joe! 334 00:18:53,240 --> 00:18:55,560 You can stop now! 335 00:18:55,560 --> 00:18:57,480 He'll tire himself out. 336 00:18:57,480 --> 00:19:01,840 Eventually. Joe! 337 00:19:06,280 --> 00:19:08,160 Ladies and gentlemen, 338 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,360 the parents and teacher race will commence in ten minutes. 339 00:19:11,360 --> 00:19:14,800 Good luck, mate, gonna need it. 340 00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,440 Oh, don't be too cocky, young Swain. 341 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:20,320 Remember I have a secret weapon-- consilium. 342 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:22,800 What the hell is that? 343 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:25,240 You'll find out. [laughs] 344 00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:32,920 He said it to my face, Jing. He's got a secret weapon that's gonna help him win. 345 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:36,480 -Yeah, but what's consilium? -What does it sound like? 346 00:19:36,480 --> 00:19:39,240 A drug. Now where's his bag? 347 00:19:39,240 --> 00:19:40,880 I'm not sure about this, sir. 348 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,000 Your steroid story. he's the cheat. 349 00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:47,520 It all makes sense. A medic with access to drugs. 350 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,720 That's why Rosie's so confident he's gonna win. She knows he's on this consilium. 351 00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:53,480 Ah. 352 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,280 Talcum powder, Wisden, 353 00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:58,800 Y-fronts the color of weak tea. This is Richard's bag. 354 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:00,440 Sir, the steroid story's not entirely true. 355 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:05,000 Bingo. The 'roidy bastard. 356 00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:07,400 But how? I made the story up. 357 00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:10,520 You lied in print and you wanna become a journalist. 358 00:20:10,520 --> 00:20:12,600 Jing. Well. 359 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:16,160 Now you've got all the evidence you need. Take him down. 360 00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:19,320 But what about you? You won't beat him if he's on steroids. 361 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,800 If you can't beat 'em. 362 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:27,400 Now, go, Jing, 363 00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:31,400 and remember, the truth and nothing but the truth. 364 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:35,960 Although obviously, don't mention that I took the steroids as well. 365 00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:49,920 -Ah. -Naughty moffie. 366 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:54,600 -Caught with your hand in the biltong jar. -Preet, what the hell? 367 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:58,560 If Pistorius taught me one thing, it's shit with the door open. 368 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:01,480 Right, I'm just-- oh, God. 369 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:04,600 Don't worry, moffie, your secret's safe with me. 370 00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:06,840 Yeah, well, there's no secret, 'cause I wasn't actually doing anything. 371 00:21:06,840 --> 00:21:10,000 Two men share a secret, it binds them together, 372 00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:13,320 entwining them into one beating heart. 373 00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:17,520 You gonna have a wipe of that? 374 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:21,880 First month in prison, I hated you for what you did to me. 375 00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:23,720 To be fair, you attacked me. 376 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:26,160 Every night I dreamt of turning your jib-jabs into drills. 377 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:30,920 -A bit close. -But then I began my course of art therapy. 378 00:21:32,560 --> 00:21:34,480 Would you like to see my sketches? 379 00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,800 Not really. 380 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:44,880 Oh, look, it's me. 381 00:21:46,560 --> 00:21:49,640 Oh, Jesus Christ. 382 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:52,760 Oh, you have been busy. 383 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:55,880 Feel free to stop at any-- 384 00:21:55,880 --> 00:22:00,640 Oh! So much detail. 385 00:22:00,640 --> 00:22:04,400 Oh, my God, don't know where I end and you begin. 386 00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:08,320 Slowly I discovered there is only one thing stronger than hate. 387 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,440 Please don't say love. 388 00:22:10,440 --> 00:22:12,880 -Tattoos. -Me again. 389 00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:16,440 My cellmate Hillary chewed through an entire qat bush to numb the pain. 390 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:22,160 Yeah, why has your cellmate got my face tattooed onto his back? 391 00:22:22,160 --> 00:22:25,840 Okay, I've just worked that one out for myself. 392 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:31,240 Preet, I like you, but I don't like you, like you. 393 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:33,720 [crying] Do you know what happens 394 00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,000 when you break a lion's heart? 395 00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:39,480 Does it go to live with a warthog and a meerkat? 396 00:22:39,480 --> 00:22:42,320 I will devour you, moffie, 397 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,400 as sure as my name is Preet Cornelius Hennyhenwig 398 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:48,400 -Hoitetoit Goosen-- -Got it. 399 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,400 Alfie, it's time. 400 00:22:52,240 --> 00:22:54,480 I'll just tiptoe out. 401 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:56,280 No, wait for me. 402 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,000 Moffie! 403 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:01,360 [cheering] 404 00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:04,120 -Good luck. -Carpe diem. 405 00:23:04,120 --> 00:23:06,240 Pfft, you're gonna need more than luck, mate. 406 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,880 Now I've got my hands on some of your precious consilium. 407 00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,480 Yeah, that's right, sucker. 408 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:13,560 So you are a classicist? 409 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,160 -What are you talking about? -Consilium. 410 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:17,560 Latin for wisdom. My secret weapon, old boy. 411 00:23:17,560 --> 00:23:22,280 Yeah, pull the other one, Farage. I'm talking about these. 412 00:23:22,280 --> 00:23:23,920 And don't you worry. 413 00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,960 -I've leveled the playing field. -Oh, crikey, yes. 414 00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,800 It's all very embarrassing. [laughs] 415 00:23:28,800 --> 00:23:30,840 Yes, well, you see, at my age, 416 00:23:30,840 --> 00:23:34,560 one sometimes, not always, but sometimes one feels the need 417 00:23:34,560 --> 00:23:39,520 for a little help in the bedroom department. 418 00:23:39,520 --> 00:23:41,200 What are you banging on about? 419 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,120 [mutters] Viagra. 420 00:23:43,120 --> 00:23:45,280 -What? -[mutters] They're Viagra. 421 00:23:45,280 --> 00:23:47,240 -Viagra! -Shh! Yes. 422 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,520 Wait, sorry, why would you need Viagra? 423 00:23:50,520 --> 00:23:53,680 -Well, Rosie and I-- -Are friends. 424 00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:57,280 Yes, but plan for success, prepare for failure. 425 00:23:57,280 --> 00:23:59,520 Rosie and I might become friends with benefits. 426 00:23:59,520 --> 00:24:03,520 Ugh! Ugh, for using the phrase "friends with benefits." 427 00:24:03,520 --> 00:24:06,440 Ugh! For betraying Rosie's trust 428 00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:09,160 and trying to shag my girlfriend, you shit. 429 00:24:09,160 --> 00:24:12,680 Come on, Richard, you can do it! 430 00:24:12,680 --> 00:24:14,880 Shut up, Dad! 431 00:24:14,880 --> 00:24:17,720 Wait, how long do those things take to kick in? 432 00:24:17,720 --> 00:24:19,200 Well, it depends how many you took. 433 00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,240 Round it down to about five. 434 00:24:21,240 --> 00:24:23,760 Yeah, you've got six, maybe seven minutes before 435 00:24:23,760 --> 00:24:27,240 things start bursting through your shorts like the Kraken. 436 00:24:27,240 --> 00:24:29,360 Shit. Preet, start the race. 437 00:24:29,360 --> 00:24:32,640 -I've got to give a quick health and safety check. -Preet, start the race. 438 00:24:32,640 --> 00:24:34,680 I love it when you're brusque with me, moffie. 439 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,360 [blows whistle] 440 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,760 Mr. Wickers ain't moved that fast since he found me lying on his desk wearing nothing 441 00:24:43,760 --> 00:24:46,400 but a sushi platter. 442 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,440 Think unsexy thoughts. Think unsexy thoughts. 443 00:24:52,280 --> 00:24:54,440 Granny in a thong. 444 00:24:55,440 --> 00:24:57,440 Adrian Chiles' banter. 445 00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:03,000 [grunts] Eric Pickles on the shitter. 446 00:25:06,280 --> 00:25:10,400 Ian Beale crying. 447 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:18,000 Come on, Alfie. 448 00:25:18,000 --> 00:25:21,760 Please, not on the monkey bars. God no, not on the monkey bars. 449 00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:32,640 Come on, Richard! 450 00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:37,440 Feel blood heading south. 451 00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:40,640 -Come on, Alfie. -[cheering] 452 00:25:41,640 --> 00:25:43,160 What's he doing? 453 00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:49,880 Maybe you've gotta commando crawl the last bit. 454 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:52,240 Is he wearing a little plow? 455 00:25:55,800 --> 00:25:57,200 I can't watch. Richard's gonna catch him. 456 00:25:59,240 --> 00:26:01,600 Oh, no, you don't, you old goat. 457 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:04,400 Moffie shall go to the ball. 458 00:26:09,600 --> 00:26:11,440 Steady. 459 00:26:11,440 --> 00:26:13,480 He's got a gun, get down! 460 00:26:18,280 --> 00:26:19,560 Oh! 461 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:28,560 He's not breathing. I'll have to give him mouth-to-mouth. 462 00:26:34,400 --> 00:26:36,120 I can't feel my legs. 463 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:39,200 [gasping] 464 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:41,440 Teach me everything you know. 465 00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,320 Alfie, why have you-- 466 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:45,160 Before everyone thinks I'm a massive weirdo. 467 00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:46,600 A bit late for that, bro. 468 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:50,880 I cheated, okay, or at least I tried to cheat. 469 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,800 I thought Richard was on steroids 'cause I found these blue pills in his bag, 470 00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:55,400 but they weren't steroids. They were Viagra. 471 00:26:55,400 --> 00:26:57,840 -Don't stress. -Viagra? 472 00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:00,800 -Why, why does Richard have-- -Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, it's not what you-- 473 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:04,240 [laughs] I would hate for you presume that-- 474 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,400 [stammers] but, well, 475 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:10,880 plan to succeed. 476 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,920 -Rosie, I did-- -If you say, "I told you so," you'll get one of those as well. 477 00:27:13,920 --> 00:27:17,240 -Excuse me, please. -Rosie, no, no, no, Rosie, wait, please. 478 00:27:17,240 --> 00:27:19,680 Yeah, I win. 479 00:27:19,680 --> 00:27:22,560 Do you though? Really? 480 00:27:22,560 --> 00:27:25,920 Could someone maybe cover that up? 481 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:30,400 -Moffie, I'll write. -I won't reply! 482 00:27:30,400 --> 00:27:34,600 I suppose we better get a new PE teacher then. 483 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,800 [bell rings] 484 00:27:42,800 --> 00:27:45,960 Good news, sir, I got the photo finish of the race. You won. 485 00:27:45,960 --> 00:27:49,880 Yes! I rule. 486 00:27:49,880 --> 00:27:51,720 You won by a head. 487 00:27:51,720 --> 00:27:54,400 It's the most popular edition in the school's history. 488 00:27:54,400 --> 00:27:57,400 You saved the paper, sir. Everyone's reading it. 489 00:27:57,400 --> 00:28:00,360 Oh, great. 490 00:28:02,880 --> 00:28:05,480 [upbeat music playing] 491 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:09,880 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 492 00:28:23,800 --> 00:28:24,920 [man rapping]