1 00:00:05,680 --> 00:00:07,360 -[bell rings] -Look, I photographed this text message on Miss Gulliver's phone 2 00:00:07,360 --> 00:00:11,400 so she couldn't delete it before I confronted her. It's to some guy called Orlando. 3 00:00:11,400 --> 00:00:14,320 "Can't wait for BDSM tonight. I love my bondage and my freedom." 4 00:00:14,320 --> 00:00:17,840 -What does BDSM even mean? -Bondage domination and sadomasochism. 5 00:00:17,840 --> 00:00:20,440 -Shut up, Mitchell. -Trust me, sir, I've watched a lot of porn. 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:23,360 I'm sure there's a totally logical explanation why she's texting some random guy 7 00:00:23,360 --> 00:00:25,760 -about bondage. -Why don't you just ask her? 8 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:28,120 What, sit her down and have an honest conversation with her? 9 00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:29,800 [laughs] Grow up, mate. 10 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,680 Look it up, BDSM. 11 00:00:31,680 --> 00:00:34,640 "My bondage and my freedom," I recognize that. 12 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:36,920 -[beeps] -[typing] 13 00:00:36,920 --> 00:00:39,840 -What the hell? -Cor, Rem Dogg, your mom's putting a lot of strain 14 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,880 -on that harness. -Maybe she thinks I'm a prude. 15 00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,800 -Have I driven her to this? -Calm down, sir. 16 00:00:45,800 --> 00:00:46,920 Here's what you need to do. 17 00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:53,680 Alfie, I don't remember inviting you. 18 00:00:55,240 --> 00:00:58,720 So before we plunge in, 19 00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:02,400 maybe the newest member of our clandestine cabal 20 00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:05,160 could introduce himself. 21 00:01:05,160 --> 00:01:06,800 We'll be gentle. 22 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:08,280 [laughing] 23 00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:11,280 [sighs] Hi, I'm Alfie. 24 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:15,440 I am into fetish play, light spanking and threesomes. 25 00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:19,920 If another dude's involved, then preferably Rosie would be holding my hand. 26 00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:23,600 I brought a paddle and remember, guys, dorm rules. 27 00:01:23,600 --> 00:01:26,320 It's not gay if there's no eye contact. 28 00:01:29,800 --> 00:01:33,200 Well, this fortnight we read My Bondage and My Freedom, 29 00:01:33,200 --> 00:01:38,800 a heart-wrenching account of slavery by Frederick Douglass. 30 00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:39,480 BDSM? 31 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:42,200 Book discussion society maudlin. 32 00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,480 I'll go. 33 00:01:48,680 --> 00:01:50,840 Oh, my God. 34 00:01:50,840 --> 00:01:53,400 [upbeat music playing] 35 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:58,520 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 36 00:02:11,360 --> 00:02:13,800 [man rapping] 37 00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:23,400 [laughing] 38 00:02:23,400 --> 00:02:26,880 So it turns out My Bondage and My Freedom is a book. 39 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:29,920 By Frederick Douglass. I knew I recognized it. 40 00:02:29,920 --> 00:02:31,680 In the nick of time. 41 00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,120 Now Miss Gulliver's staying with a friend 42 00:02:34,120 --> 00:02:36,680 and I know it's that douchebag Orlando. 43 00:02:36,680 --> 00:02:40,760 Listen, Sam Cam, whining like a bitch ain't gonna make it better. 44 00:02:40,760 --> 00:02:43,880 But revenge might. Where's Mitchell? I'm gonna mess him up. 45 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,720 -With your spanking paddle? -[laughing] 46 00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:48,480 Oi, everyone, listen up, I've got some news. 47 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:51,200 -I'm leaving Abbey Grove. -What? 48 00:02:51,200 --> 00:02:54,640 -UKIP set fire to your caravan? -No. Why does everyone think I'm a gypo? 49 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,120 I'm leaving 'cause my dad's fairground's been shut down by the council. 50 00:02:57,120 --> 00:02:59,400 TBH, your fair is a bit shit. 51 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,120 None of your dad's air rifles shoot straight. 52 00:03:01,120 --> 00:03:02,800 Tell that to the cashier at HSBC. 53 00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:04,320 Gonna pretend I didn't hear that. 54 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,880 You could still come to school. 55 00:03:05,880 --> 00:03:07,560 Not that I give a shit. 56 00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:09,360 [Alfie] Yeah, what if Abbey Grove became a boarding school? 57 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:11,920 You could stay in a dormitory like I did at my school. 58 00:03:11,920 --> 00:03:14,560 Cheers, Spanky, but I'd rather not get gangbanged by the Quidditch team. 59 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:16,800 This is bullshit. 60 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,000 There must be a way of keeping you here. 61 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,960 Fraser, we need to turn the playground into a paddock. 62 00:03:22,960 --> 00:03:25,680 Well, do need dollar. Dollar is what we need. 63 00:03:25,680 --> 00:03:29,240 But fear not, I have a new initiative. I'm renting out rooms after school. 64 00:03:29,240 --> 00:03:32,280 -The library is being used by Miss Gulliver's book group. -Oh. 65 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:35,160 I told her it might be double booked, but she cracked the whip. 66 00:03:35,160 --> 00:03:37,160 -[imitates whip cracking] The safe word's banter. -Please stop. 67 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:40,320 -Banter. -Consider me gagged and bound. 68 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:46,600 A Mr. Hitchell Marper is renting out the school hall 69 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:48,560 -for a retirement party. -Right. 70 00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,640 And I bagsied the gym for my "larping" crew. 71 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:52,920 -Larping? -Live action role play. 72 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:56,320 Picture a ragtag gang of shaggers and legends 73 00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:00,200 doing battle dressed as dwarfs, orcs, elves and wizards. 74 00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,800 Legends? Shaggers? 75 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:05,520 -Do you want in? -I think I'll give it a miss. 76 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:09,120 Larping came in on my bucket list just below drinking a gallon of urine 77 00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,920 -or dying of leprosy. -But I've told the lads all about you. 78 00:04:11,920 --> 00:04:14,200 They're desperate to meet my best friend. 79 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:16,440 Best friend. 80 00:04:16,440 --> 00:04:18,560 Okay. 81 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:22,160 You know all that paperwork winging its way down from Tory HQ? 82 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:24,840 The 25-page document I need to complete 83 00:04:24,840 --> 00:04:27,760 on making the kids' handwriting look more British? 84 00:04:27,760 --> 00:04:30,800 [music playing] 85 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:34,400 I will make that form and all the others disappear if you get your larp on. 86 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,280 Why are you whispering? 87 00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:39,000 I think Gove had the room bugged. 88 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:42,800 Sneaky. 89 00:04:44,360 --> 00:04:47,200 "Love in the Time of Cholera"? 90 00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,680 Sounds like our mini break in Morocco. 91 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,400 One mouthful of shower water, then boom. 92 00:04:52,400 --> 00:04:55,240 -Remember? -Fondly. 93 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:57,680 -Can we talk? -I've gotta read this. 94 00:04:57,680 --> 00:04:59,840 For your "book club"? 95 00:04:59,840 --> 00:05:02,560 [scoffs] Don't do inverted commas-- it is a book club. 96 00:05:02,560 --> 00:05:04,400 Why is it being held in the library? 97 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,400 Because I wanted to support Fraser's new scheme, 98 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,480 and I didn't wanna have it at ours. 99 00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:11,160 What, because you're ashamed of me? 100 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,160 Look, I don't normally care what people think about us, 101 00:05:14,160 --> 00:05:16,920 but I just had to convince my ex-boyfriend I'm not going out with a gimp. 102 00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:21,840 Orlando. Ooh, look at me, I'm so vintage, I've got a pager. 103 00:05:21,840 --> 00:05:24,400 -He's a doctor. -He's a dick. 104 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:28,440 -And anyway, Orlando isn't even-- -What kind of a name is Orlando? 105 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,760 I mean, where was he conceived, the log flume at Disneyworld? 106 00:05:31,760 --> 00:05:33,160 He was named after a book by Virginia Woolf. 107 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:35,880 -Of course he was. -Don't be intimidated. 108 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,880 Who's afraid of Virginia Woolf? 109 00:05:37,880 --> 00:05:39,760 Sorry, I can't work out if you're joking. 110 00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:41,920 I am joking. 111 00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:44,160 Look, please, please give me a second chance. 112 00:05:44,160 --> 00:05:45,640 I'll come to the book group tonight. 113 00:05:45,640 --> 00:05:48,880 But you hate reading and it's in six hours. 114 00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:50,520 It took you a year to finish Charlotte's Web. 115 00:05:50,520 --> 00:05:53,320 Oh, you watch me. I'm gonna prove that I am just 116 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:58,120 as good as any of those smug, judgmental, dweeby, Oxbridge shits... 117 00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:03,800 ...who are your good friends. 118 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:09,840 Right, change of plan. I won't be teaching you today. 119 00:06:09,840 --> 00:06:14,920 You guys can get on with these personal statements whilst I speed read this dumb book. 120 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:17,640 Love in the Time of Cholera, is it like Slumdog? 121 00:06:17,640 --> 00:06:21,280 -No, it's South American, I think. -Oh, sweet, is there a cartel? 122 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:25,720 I hope so, 'cause thus far this book has been about as dry as a camel's fanny. 123 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:27,880 "Where do you see yourself in five years?" 124 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:29,640 How are we meant to answer that? 125 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:32,160 Easy. Treading the boards, crunching the numbers, 126 00:06:32,160 --> 00:06:35,120 -on the dole, in the clink and-- -Up the duff. 127 00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:38,120 No. Working as a qualified beautician. 128 00:06:38,120 --> 00:06:40,800 Who may or may not be pregnant. 129 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,480 Don't worry, sir, we'll be careful. 130 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:45,120 Good. Just remember, kids, 131 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:47,920 in five years time, when you leave university, 132 00:06:47,920 --> 00:06:49,720 there will nothing holding you back. 133 00:06:49,720 --> 00:06:52,920 Except for a mountain of unpayable lifelong crippling debt. 134 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:57,240 So be ambitious, children. Remember, the sky's the limit. 135 00:06:57,240 --> 00:06:59,600 -How do you spell celebrity? -Ah, gosh. 136 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,600 Oi, Stephen, can I borrow a gel pen? 137 00:07:01,600 --> 00:07:03,680 -What scent, cherry or lime? -Whatever. 138 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,440 -[screams] It's a mouse! -[laughs] 139 00:07:08,440 --> 00:07:10,280 Somebody kill it. Somebody get it for me. 140 00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:13,240 -Mitchell. -It's me last day, sir, so I did a few pranks. 141 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:16,320 Ah, you scamp. Calm down, Stephen. 142 00:07:16,320 --> 00:07:19,760 Remember, it's more afraid of you than you are of it. 143 00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:21,240 Why do you even have a mouse? 144 00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:23,400 I feed 'em to my snake. 145 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,120 -[hissing] -Oh, shit! 146 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:28,400 -[laughing] -It's a snake! 147 00:07:28,400 --> 00:07:32,920 -[gasps] -Calm down. It's more afraid of you than you are of it. 148 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:39,440 Pizza? 149 00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,400 I like this Mitchell prank. 150 00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,440 He ordered 200 on the school account. 151 00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:46,520 -How far have you got? -Page five. 152 00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,240 I'm gonna look like an idiot tonight at the book group 153 00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,800 and Miss Gulliver's gonna end up shagging Orlando 154 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,640 in his sex library. 155 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,960 Can I help? I can read a chapter for you if you like. 156 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:58,760 I wish you could, 157 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:02,960 but I'd need like 15 yous to read the whole bloody thing. 158 00:08:04,120 --> 00:08:05,720 Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 159 00:08:05,720 --> 00:08:08,600 -Yes, I am. Cloning. -Book pool. 160 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:11,360 Yeah, you're right, book pool is a much better idea. 161 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:13,440 Everyone in the class can read one chapter each. 162 00:08:13,440 --> 00:08:16,240 -Gather the team. -Where are you going? 163 00:08:16,240 --> 00:08:19,200 To tell the librarian to get her sweet little 70-year-old ass 164 00:08:19,200 --> 00:08:22,400 down to Waterstones pronto 'cause Love in the Time of Cholera 165 00:08:22,400 --> 00:08:25,560 has just been put on the goddamn syllabus. 166 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,200 What are you doing tonight? 167 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:38,640 It's just my leaving party. Can you come? 168 00:08:38,640 --> 00:08:42,560 I don't know, isn't it? Maybe. 169 00:08:42,560 --> 00:08:45,240 Look, I just wondered if you fancied, 170 00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:49,760 no, if, if you had a type... 171 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:53,240 -Of pizza what you go for. -Yeah. 172 00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:55,320 Every girl's got their type. 173 00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,880 See, I like my pizzas well hot. 174 00:08:57,880 --> 00:09:00,200 -Yeah. -With lots of dough. 175 00:09:00,200 --> 00:09:03,280 -All right. -Minimum 12 inches. 176 00:09:03,280 --> 00:09:05,400 -Oh. -What have their own car 177 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:08,680 and don't live in a shitty caravan with their fam, fam. 178 00:09:11,240 --> 00:09:14,520 I don't think Dominos do that one. 179 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,400 What about our personal statements? 180 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,120 Park those. This is way more important. 181 00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,800 Right, Jing, you're gonna take chapter two. 182 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:29,840 Stephen, chapter three. Mitchell, chapter four. Chantelle, chapter five. 183 00:09:29,840 --> 00:09:34,200 -And Joe's gonna bring it on home with the anchor leg. -Only if you help me out first. 184 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:37,240 Fine, but I won't lie in court and I refuse to handle stolen goods. 185 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,360 Oh, Cleo's peng and this party's the last opportunity I'm gonna have to pull her, 186 00:09:40,360 --> 00:09:42,360 but she thinks I'm about as sexy as a shit in a lift. 187 00:09:42,360 --> 00:09:44,680 With a turn of phrase like that, I'm amazed she can resist you. 188 00:09:44,680 --> 00:09:46,640 I'll help you, babe. We all will. 189 00:09:46,640 --> 00:09:49,840 I've seen this a million times. Boy wants girl way out of his league. 190 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:51,840 It's got super sweet 16 written all over it. 191 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,320 Stephen's right, you've got to look your best tonight. 192 00:09:54,320 --> 00:09:56,720 Don't take this the wrong way, but does your dad have a court suit? 193 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:58,400 -Used to be his lucky suit. -What happened? 194 00:09:58,400 --> 00:10:00,920 -Got found guilty. -Perfect, so he won't be needing it. 195 00:10:00,920 --> 00:10:03,400 If you're going for the suit, you might as well go the whole hog. 196 00:10:03,400 --> 00:10:05,480 As the toilet attendants do say-- "no spray, no lay." 197 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,400 -Where am I gonna find pepper spray? -What? No. Aftershave. 198 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,840 To stand a chance with Cleo, this party has gotta be fierce, I'm talking hot tub. 199 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,120 -Not gonna happen. -Strippers. 200 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,120 -It's a school. -Lap dancers. 201 00:10:17,120 --> 00:10:19,480 -You're obsessed. -You better be there tonight, Dickers, 202 00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:24,600 bring the ball and chain. And the gag and the whip, oi, oi! [laughs] 203 00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:29,840 Oh, Jesus. Are you wearing anything underneath that? 204 00:10:29,840 --> 00:10:32,560 -Does talcum powder count? -Definitely not. 205 00:10:32,560 --> 00:10:35,920 Then no, I am as naked as the day I was arrested in Bensons for Beds 206 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,560 trying out a double divan. 207 00:10:38,560 --> 00:10:40,880 I sleep nude, I'm not gonna make an ill-informed purchase. 208 00:10:40,880 --> 00:10:43,280 Look, Fraser, about the larping. 209 00:10:43,280 --> 00:10:45,600 The look on my friends' faces when they found out you're real. 210 00:10:45,600 --> 00:10:48,560 I can't come. I really have to go to this book group. 211 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:52,840 -But Malcolm and Philip, they're expecting you. -I'm sorry. 212 00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:55,320 Ugh, very well then. 213 00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:59,800 The last of Gove's initiatives. He wants the pupils to write with quills. 214 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:03,000 Oh, all those boxes to tick and look, 215 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,840 a 30-page guide on how to pluck a goose. 216 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:09,400 [sighs] I'll come for five minutes. 217 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,520 Thanks, Alf, you won't regret it. 218 00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,240 -Your bin's there. -It used to be there. 219 00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:23,120 [sighs] 220 00:11:23,120 --> 00:11:27,200 Philip, Malcolm, meet my best friend. 221 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,760 Salutations, Alfred. 222 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,760 Nice costume. 223 00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,640 -[laughing] -Thanks. 224 00:11:34,640 --> 00:11:36,160 Fraser picked it out for me. 225 00:11:36,160 --> 00:11:39,160 I was busy being a fully functioning member of society. 226 00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:43,480 The hobbit possesses a tongue forged of fire. 227 00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,440 You jest nimbly. 228 00:11:45,440 --> 00:11:48,600 If only he'd lavished similar care on his costume. 229 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:53,400 -[laughing] -Indeed, Philip, a very sloppy hobbit. 230 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:57,440 -Right, I mean, I am here. -I spotted the mistake as soon as he walked through yon portal. 231 00:11:57,440 --> 00:12:01,120 -Pray tell, Philip. -Tell thee I shall, fair Malcolm. 232 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,920 Are you two like medieval Chuckle Brothers? 233 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:09,360 The ears, Sera, in real life the half-link does not have a pointed helix. 234 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:11,280 Did he just say "in real life"? 235 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:14,760 It's like Comic-Con all over again. 236 00:12:14,760 --> 00:12:20,800 -Hmm. -Come, brother, let us high to the mead. 237 00:12:24,720 --> 00:12:29,400 They may be the biggest twats I've ever met in my entire life. 238 00:12:30,600 --> 00:12:31,960 [mutters] 239 00:12:31,960 --> 00:12:34,000 What happened at Comic-Con? 240 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:37,200 Oh, nothing much. I bought us all tickets 241 00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,960 and we went as Silviant elf archers and I stupidly turned up 242 00:12:39,960 --> 00:12:41,680 with a longbow of Lothorien. 243 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,920 They were well within their rights to send me home to England. 244 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:47,720 To England? Where was Comic-Con? 245 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:49,800 San Diego. 246 00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:53,920 Hark! We must journey to the Dark Mountain 247 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:57,520 and there do battle with Lord Gorath's dragon legion. 248 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,800 Cool. I'm gonna nip for a shit. 249 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:09,200 Poor Fraser. Abandoned at the battlefield by his only ally. 250 00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,320 I'm coming back and when I do, 251 00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:15,200 I'm gonna make it rain, bitches. 252 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:18,800 Hobbits can't cast weather spells. 253 00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:19,640 Dick. 254 00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,840 Joe, where the hell are those summaries? 255 00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:28,680 -I needed to be in that book group five minutes ago. -I'm collecting them right now. 256 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:32,680 That's your dad's suit? What was he found guilty of, crimes against fashion? 257 00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:34,560 Could say that, he robbed a River Island. 258 00:13:36,520 --> 00:13:38,400 I need to get these to Alfie. 259 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:40,800 Nah, doing a crate escape, mate, you gotta drink your way out. 260 00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:42,240 But I can't let him down. 261 00:13:43,760 --> 00:13:47,000 [sighs] Pass me a beer. 262 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,440 I mean, the plot is so elegant. 263 00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:54,560 Fermina marries the wrong man, so Florentino has to wait 264 00:13:54,560 --> 00:13:58,440 50 years to be with her. 265 00:13:58,440 --> 00:14:03,240 Sorry, retarde to the bibliotheque. 266 00:14:03,240 --> 00:14:06,600 -I bought hummus. -Well, that's better than last week's offering. 267 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:07,880 Bit uncalled for. 268 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,560 So do we all have our books? 269 00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:12,240 I thought I'd take a backseat to start with, 270 00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,400 you know, just get my bearings. 271 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,000 Yeah, that's a good idea. Just take your time. 272 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,400 Were we all satisfied by the narrative's dénouement? 273 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:23,640 Well, I thought it was beautifully bittersweet. 274 00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:27,920 If there's one thing I know about Rosie, she abhors a Hollywood ending. 275 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:31,160 [laughs] I do. 276 00:14:31,160 --> 00:14:35,400 Yeah, well she enjoyed Frozen. Maybe you don't know Rosie as well as you think you do. 277 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,720 People change, mate. 278 00:14:36,720 --> 00:14:41,360 Or maybe they don't, as Marquez posits. 279 00:14:41,360 --> 00:14:44,440 Would you care to expand on that hypothesis? 280 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:49,440 Um, yes. Yeah. Watch me expand. 281 00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:51,160 The author, 282 00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:57,160 old Gabriella Garcia Marquezeria. 283 00:14:57,160 --> 00:15:00,000 Gabriel Garcia Marquez. 284 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:03,880 Whatever. You say potato. I say frittata. 285 00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,880 -[laughing] -You know what? 286 00:15:05,880 --> 00:15:09,680 Why don't we start at the beginning of the book rather than the end, 287 00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:11,880 -wouldn't that be more logical? -Yeah, that's fine with me. 288 00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:15,640 Wise old dude's with me. What's that old saying people have? 289 00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:19,640 Don't judge a book by its cover, but do judge a book 290 00:15:19,640 --> 00:15:24,200 [flips pages] by the first seven pages. 291 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:27,680 -[dance music playing] -[cheering] 292 00:15:37,960 --> 00:15:40,400 No, one more thing, 293 00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:44,880 why aren't more books printed in Comic Sans? 294 00:15:44,880 --> 00:15:48,160 Okay, I think we've covered the first seven pages of the book pretty thoroughly. 295 00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:52,520 Why don't we move on? Let's discuss the novel's message. 296 00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,680 [Orlando] Well, the text's thematic paradigm is a simple one-- 297 00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:57,920 love never dies. 298 00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,800 Unless it catches cholera, burn. 299 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:05,520 And two lovers may part, but their hearts will always beat as one. 300 00:16:06,360 --> 00:16:07,960 Yeah, well, that's weird, 301 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,960 because I read the exact opposite in the text. 302 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:14,280 I read that you know, 303 00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:17,960 she made a mistake, "So move on, mate." 304 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:19,280 Well, isn't that completely contradictory? 305 00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:21,400 Literature's subjective, Orlando. 306 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:24,280 -There is no right and wrong. -Yeah, thanks, old friend. 307 00:16:24,280 --> 00:16:25,640 It's a catch-24. 308 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,440 Alfie, you have read the end of the book? 309 00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:32,760 Yeah. Yeah, read the end, and the beginning and the middle. 310 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:34,880 So what specifically did you think about the end? 311 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:40,440 Um, well, well, well, well, well, very good question. 312 00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:45,520 Um, the main guy is called Fernando and it's a love story, 313 00:16:45,520 --> 00:16:48,640 so do we all think that's why on Take Me Out, 314 00:16:48,640 --> 00:16:50,720 they called it the Isle of Fernandos? 315 00:16:50,720 --> 00:16:53,440 -He's called Florentino. -Shit. 316 00:16:53,440 --> 00:16:56,800 Maybe we should take a comfort break. 317 00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,280 Great idea. Someone's bladder's not up to it. 318 00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:01,440 I'm gonna go and smoke a Gauloises. 319 00:17:01,440 --> 00:17:04,640 Oh, and Orlando, BT dubs, 320 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:06,800 if you're gonna go drop the kids off at the pool, 321 00:17:06,800 --> 00:17:11,120 just remember that's your ass, that's your elbow. 322 00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,360 -Alfie, you're on fire. -Thanks, babe. 323 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,880 -No, no, you're on fire. -What? 324 00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:18,920 Oh, shit! 325 00:17:18,920 --> 00:17:22,480 Didn't like that scarf anyway, so... 326 00:17:23,800 --> 00:17:25,440 [sighs] 327 00:17:28,360 --> 00:17:31,680 Joe, where have you been? Have you been drinking? 328 00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:37,400 Just give me the chapter summaries. 329 00:17:38,640 --> 00:17:40,240 Relax, sir, have a beer. 330 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:41,480 No, I've gotta get back to this book group. 331 00:17:41,480 --> 00:17:43,840 But, sir, it's my leaving party. 332 00:17:43,840 --> 00:17:47,240 Okay, one, but it's gotta be quick. 333 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,640 [laughing] 334 00:17:49,640 --> 00:17:51,680 [whirring] 335 00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:56,800 Alf? Alf. Alf, there you are. Where's your costume? 336 00:17:56,800 --> 00:17:58,720 -Fraser, the book club. -Malcolm and Philip said you'd bail on me. 337 00:17:58,720 --> 00:18:00,680 I didn't believe them. 338 00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:03,160 -I'm not bailing, it's just-- -No, don't worry. I understand. 339 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:06,280 Malcolm and Philip got to you. I know, they're right. 340 00:18:06,280 --> 00:18:10,440 You're not my friend and you think I'm a loser, too. 341 00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:21,760 Calm down, mate, it's non-contact. [grunts] 342 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,120 [shouting] 343 00:18:24,120 --> 00:18:27,480 -Isn't this amazing? -Yeah, it's all right, I suppose. 344 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,760 Oh, that hobgoblin you nailed thinks he's gonna be blinded for life. 345 00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,280 You might wanna go easy on the gouging. 346 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:38,480 -Whoop, whoop, it's the Bellen patrol. - [cell phone rings] 347 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,240 Whoa, put your phone away. It's historically inaccurate. 348 00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,440 Last month, Phil and Malc caught me wearing a digital wristwatch. 349 00:18:43,440 --> 00:18:46,640 They quite rightly punished my blooper by making me sit in a barrel for five hours. 350 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:50,320 My doctor thinks I'm gonna have back problems for life. 351 00:18:50,320 --> 00:18:52,800 I'm sorry, Fraser, I've gotta get back. 352 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:54,000 But, Alf, I'm outnumbered. 353 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,160 I'm sorry. 354 00:19:08,600 --> 00:19:10,600 My notes, no peeking. 355 00:19:10,600 --> 00:19:15,520 Yes, I thought the plot might prove too complex for some readers. 356 00:19:15,520 --> 00:19:16,840 Complex. A child could read it. 357 00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:19,280 But would a child understand it? 358 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,000 Hopefully. 359 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:25,960 ♪ We had it all, every moment... ♪ 360 00:19:25,960 --> 00:19:28,120 -Go and talk to Cleo. -I'm going, I'm going. 361 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,440 I just need to be a bit more drunker. 362 00:19:30,440 --> 00:19:31,880 It's not as fun without Mr. Wickers. 363 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:33,400 Hope the book club's going well. 364 00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:36,280 I think I gave him some good ammo. 365 00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:40,640 "Marquez views love not as a sickness, 366 00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,120 but as an ontological phenomenon. 367 00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:46,840 The lovers exist within their own relationship 368 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,920 and as we all know, 369 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:54,120 the course of true love never did run smooth." 370 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,720 -Oh. -Wow. 371 00:19:55,720 --> 00:19:58,120 Oh, that was beautifully put. 372 00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,680 Well, that was kind of what I was saying. 373 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:02,600 Quote time. 374 00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:06,400 "The only regret I will have in dying is if it is not for love." 375 00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,720 Florentino. 376 00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:10,920 Thank you. 377 00:20:10,920 --> 00:20:13,640 While we're on that theme, what did we all make of Florentino's character? 378 00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:17,800 -Well-- -I've got this one as well. Shh. 379 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,320 Well, I thought the book was totes obvious. 380 00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,320 -Really? -Hello. 381 00:20:21,320 --> 00:20:23,480 Come on, babe, a tale as old as time? 382 00:20:23,480 --> 00:20:25,880 The lead character Florentino 383 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:28,680 is definitely gay. 384 00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:32,240 But he's in love with a woman. 385 00:20:33,480 --> 00:20:35,400 So was Ricky Martin. 386 00:20:36,280 --> 00:20:38,480 So what did you make of it? 387 00:20:38,480 --> 00:20:41,840 -I didn't have time to read it, so I took an educated guess. -You made it up. 388 00:20:41,840 --> 00:20:45,120 He said it was set in South America, so I just thought two plus two equals-- 389 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:49,880 "A massive pile coke now covered in the brains 390 00:20:49,880 --> 00:20:52,560 and blood of the cartel boss, 391 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:55,600 El Cojones Grandes, 392 00:20:55,600 --> 00:21:01,840 who'd just been shot in the back of the head by Ross Kemp." 393 00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:04,720 Oh, you dick. 394 00:21:04,720 --> 00:21:07,200 -What are you guys talking about? -The book report. 395 00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:09,400 Oh, yeah, when do you have to hand them in by? 396 00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:12,240 -Joe already took them, babes. -What? 397 00:21:12,240 --> 00:21:14,880 They were our personal statements, weren't they? 398 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:16,880 Hang on, hang on, let me get this straight. 399 00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:20,680 You think Fermina's motivation was not to be reunited 400 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,760 with her true love, but to open a nail salon in Chigwell 401 00:21:24,760 --> 00:21:27,360 and save up for breast implants... 402 00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,000 [both] And then marry her teacher. 403 00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,720 -Yeah. -Right. 404 00:21:32,720 --> 00:21:36,800 -Well, shall we call it a night? -Yes. 405 00:21:39,960 --> 00:21:44,360 Alfie, it's Fraser. I've cornered Philip and Malcolm in the gents. 406 00:21:44,360 --> 00:21:48,280 Come and help me slay them. 407 00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,920 Thus the trap is set. 408 00:21:50,920 --> 00:21:57,800 We shall slay your deformed hobbit right here, in the stallery. 409 00:21:57,800 --> 00:21:58,600 What shall we do with this one? 410 00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:02,880 -Fetch me the barrel. -Good idea. 411 00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:05,200 [laughing] 412 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,600 -Well, I'll fetch the barrel. -Yeah, yeah, cool. 413 00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,120 If it's any consolation, I thought your version, 414 00:22:15,120 --> 00:22:18,800 with the strippers and the drug dealers sounded pretty good. 415 00:22:18,800 --> 00:22:21,880 I've forced her into the arms of her ex. 416 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:27,320 Listen, Rosie, she just needs space. 417 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,400 I want you to know that nothing's happened. 418 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,800 We don't know that, Richard. 419 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,960 Alfie, let's have coffee tomorrow and just talk everything through. 420 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,440 -Are you still okay to drive me home, Richard? -Yeah. 421 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:45,880 Hey, Rich, make sure that sneaky ex doesn't follow her home. 422 00:22:45,880 --> 00:22:48,120 Alfie, Richard is my ex. 423 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:52,320 What? He's a little old man. 424 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,640 He was my lecturer at Oxford. 425 00:22:54,640 --> 00:22:58,920 Yeah, we used to walk together through the woods, reciting poetry by heart. 426 00:22:58,920 --> 00:23:01,920 A thing of beauty is a joy forever, 427 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,240 its loveliness increases, 428 00:23:03,240 --> 00:23:05,360 it will never pass into nothingness, 429 00:23:05,360 --> 00:23:10,440 -but still will keep a bower quiet for us. -Hmm. 430 00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:13,600 My friend Billy had a ten-foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door. 431 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:16,480 She thought it was a snake, so she hit it with a rake and now it's only 6'4". 432 00:23:16,480 --> 00:23:18,800 I've got rhymes too, what of it, Brucey? 433 00:23:18,800 --> 00:23:20,720 Alfie, come on. Look, I just need time. 434 00:23:20,720 --> 00:23:23,880 You want time? And you're picking the ticking clock over here? 435 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:25,440 I'm not picking anything. 436 00:23:25,440 --> 00:23:29,600 I'm just saying that I need some space to think. 437 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:37,680 The course of true love never did run smooth. 438 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,560 Fuck off, Orlando. 439 00:23:40,560 --> 00:23:42,360 [cheering] 440 00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:53,400 [belches] Right, now I'm ready. 441 00:23:56,880 --> 00:23:59,480 Cleo, look, I just wanted to say 442 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:03,480 well, I may not have a car or 12 inches, 443 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,360 I'm probably about an eight minimum. 444 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:08,520 Wait, no, can I start again? 445 00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:13,120 If I kiss you, will you shut up? 446 00:24:13,120 --> 00:24:14,480 Forever. 447 00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:22,560 Fraser! 448 00:24:22,560 --> 00:24:23,920 Aah! 449 00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:28,120 Ah, trusting hobbit, 450 00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:31,600 prepare to taste orc and steel. 451 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:36,120 [Fraser bangs on barrel] It's a trap. Run, Alfie, run! 452 00:24:36,120 --> 00:24:41,800 I send thee to the spirit world. 453 00:24:45,480 --> 00:24:46,920 You're meant to fall down. 454 00:24:46,920 --> 00:24:49,400 [grunting] 455 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:58,600 -Hold your head back. -We're gonna report this, Fraser. 456 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:01,160 Yes, you should report it, 457 00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:06,000 that two frost blood orc warriors were slain by a sloppy hobbit. 458 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:09,480 Come on, Malc, mom's waiting to pick us up. 459 00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,800 She's staying at her ex's tonight. 460 00:25:12,800 --> 00:25:17,440 -Miss Gulliver loves you, Alfie. -Maybe she just needs some time to realize why that is. 461 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,520 -Right, nutsacks, I'm off. -How did it go with Cleo? 462 00:25:20,520 --> 00:25:23,720 Amazing. She said I was the worst kisser she's ever had and I got a lob on. 463 00:25:23,720 --> 00:25:26,280 -TMI. -If I promised not to brag about it on Facebook, 464 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,000 she said she'll go to Nando's with me. 465 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:32,440 Well done, mate, I'm happy for you. We all are. 466 00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,480 Babe, we're gonna miss you so much. 467 00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:36,280 God, I hate goodbyes. 468 00:25:40,480 --> 00:25:43,800 Joe, mate, if I ever said mean things to you, it was just banter. 469 00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:45,760 The best thing you can do is grow up, make loads of bunts, 470 00:25:45,760 --> 00:25:48,720 get a proper fit bird and make me look like a Muppet. 471 00:25:51,400 --> 00:25:54,680 Dickers, I used to think there were two types of teachers. 472 00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:58,000 The assholes and the tragedies. You're an exception. 473 00:25:58,000 --> 00:26:00,400 If I saw you on the street, I wouldn't shout obscenities at you 474 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,960 I'd go for a pint with you and tell you, you was a twat to your face. 475 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,320 Thank you, Mitchell. 476 00:26:07,320 --> 00:26:09,880 That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me. 477 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:14,440 I heard that posh people are emotionally undernourished, but you are something else. 478 00:26:14,440 --> 00:26:19,320 Rem Dogg, this could be hard seeing as you don't talk anymore. 479 00:26:19,320 --> 00:26:25,400 I know you've become a bit of a weirdo this term, but you'll always be me best mate. 480 00:26:25,400 --> 00:26:27,200 And when you're out of this phase, you give me a bell. 481 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:31,720 We'll got to Maccy D's, throw tampons at traffic wardens, just like old times. 482 00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:42,680 All right, guys. 483 00:26:49,120 --> 00:26:50,320 Mitchell. 484 00:26:53,120 --> 00:26:55,000 I love you. 485 00:26:57,760 --> 00:26:59,960 [laughs] Gay. 486 00:27:03,680 --> 00:27:06,520 Oi oi! 487 00:27:06,520 --> 00:27:10,480 Mr. Wickers, we've received some noise complaints. 488 00:27:10,480 --> 00:27:12,800 One last prank is it, Mitchell? 489 00:27:12,800 --> 00:27:14,760 Have I been a naughty boy, Officer? 490 00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,160 Are you gonna punish me with your truncheon? 491 00:27:17,160 --> 00:27:20,960 -[Jing] Sir? -Let's get this over and done with. 492 00:27:23,160 --> 00:27:24,760 Strippers don't wear Kevlar. 493 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:26,640 You have the right to remain silent. 494 00:27:26,640 --> 00:27:29,440 [upbeat music playing] 495 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:33,600 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 496 00:27:46,720 --> 00:27:48,880 [man rapping]