1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:04,120 ♪ 2 00:00:04,120 --> 00:00:08,200 -Time for a selfie. Aah! -[chattering] 3 00:00:09,360 --> 00:00:13,360 -It's summertime, bitches. -[cheering] 4 00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:15,880 -Rem Dogg, are you in drag? -He's gone emo. 5 00:00:15,880 --> 00:00:20,440 Oh, God. Now how did the holiday reading go, guys? 6 00:00:20,440 --> 00:00:22,680 What? I gave you Game of Thrones. 7 00:00:22,680 --> 00:00:25,840 Why would we read a book and ruin the fiercest TV show ever? 8 00:00:25,840 --> 00:00:27,960 And it's not on the history syllabus. 9 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:32,320 Well, it should be. It's basically the Tudors with dragons and tits. 10 00:00:32,320 --> 00:00:36,640 Oh, Jing, it would appear that you've forgotten to do the register. 11 00:00:36,640 --> 00:00:40,120 Once you enable me, you negate me. Kierkegaard. 12 00:00:40,120 --> 00:00:44,400 Oh, wait a sec. Hollow eyes, black polo neck. 13 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:48,560 I believe Jing is having a little teenage existential crisis. 14 00:00:48,560 --> 00:00:50,960 -You don't understand. -Oh, I do. 15 00:00:50,960 --> 00:00:53,880 My friend Atticus Hoy did this on our Leavers trip to Normandy. 16 00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:57,480 Read a book by a Frenchman, ended up head-butting a horse just for the feeling. 17 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:01,600 Which book? [speaks French] 18 00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,680 Astrix. Right, enough with the doom and gloom. 19 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:07,200 Krispy Kremes for one and all. 20 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,120 Chantelle, I have prepared ripostes for cream fillings, 21 00:01:10,120 --> 00:01:12,600 sticky rings and glazed muffin tops. 22 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:14,560 I'm busy. 23 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,400 Good. Well, that's the spirit. 24 00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,200 Exam term, guys. 25 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:25,400 Oh, God. He's in a hat. Let's get this over with. 26 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:26,920 [gasps] He's doing a Britney. 27 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,680 Are you ill or racist? 28 00:01:29,680 --> 00:01:33,840 I kept getting nits. Mom said this was the only way. It's awful. 29 00:01:33,840 --> 00:01:36,320 It's not awful. I prefer it shaved. 30 00:01:36,320 --> 00:01:38,600 -I'll take note of that. -I thought you were working. 31 00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,760 -Couldn't resist. -It's all right, babe, have a doughnut. 32 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:45,000 I can't. I'm on a vegan diet. 33 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,880 Guys, have you been kidnapped by puberty? 34 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:52,840 -You've all changed. -Willy wanker. [laughing] 35 00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:57,440 My dad just nicked an iPad so he's chucking out all his old porn. Who wants what? 36 00:01:57,440 --> 00:02:00,400 Sweet Mitchell. My rock. 37 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:03,280 [upbeat music playing] 38 00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,720 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 39 00:02:20,360 --> 00:02:22,920 [man rapping] 40 00:02:29,360 --> 00:02:31,520 What's this lame-ass meeting about? 41 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,520 Fraser wants us to meet the new Deputy Head. 42 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:37,680 Hey, for our flat, why don't we get a foosball table? 43 00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,640 -Because we're not a student union. -It'll be romantic. 44 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,120 As an idea I'm ranking this alongside the hot tub 45 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:46,400 or that Michael Buble doorbell. 46 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:47,960 Fine, we won't buy a foosball table. 47 00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,440 I haven't bought a foosball table. 48 00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,440 don't wanna be a killjoy Alfie, but we've got bigger priorities. 49 00:02:53,440 --> 00:02:55,160 The flat is a complete mess. 50 00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:59,560 -Talking of a complete mess, you know my dad? -Yes. 51 00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:02,320 You know the way that he married a witch called Pro Green who ran off with his money 52 00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:03,800 and now he's sleeping in his car? 53 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,560 How do you feel about him living with us? 54 00:03:05,560 --> 00:03:07,840 No! I mean, I mean, no. 55 00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:12,920 No, because your dad should pick himself up and dust himself down, 56 00:03:12,920 --> 00:03:17,920 definitely change his clothes and then find himself a new job. 57 00:03:17,920 --> 00:03:19,920 A job? My dad? 58 00:03:19,920 --> 00:03:23,240 He spends his days drinking alone in Weatherspoons and his nights moving 59 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:25,360 from lay-by to lay-by trying not to get wanked on. 60 00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:28,800 He's a train wreck. Totally unemployable. 61 00:03:28,800 --> 00:03:33,400 -Meet our new Deputy Head. -Dad. Fraser, are you mad? 62 00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:37,400 -Insania. You like the Andre? -Roomies. How about movie night tonight, 63 00:03:37,400 --> 00:03:41,400 you, me, Octopussy and a keg of Bishops Finger? 64 00:03:41,400 --> 00:03:43,360 Did you already tell him he could live with us? 65 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:45,600 Um, no. He's probably been... 66 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,480 Alf, what's the US Military motto? 67 00:03:47,480 --> 00:03:48,800 Don't ask, don't tell? 68 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:51,360 No, that was the BBC's in the 1970s. 69 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:54,440 It's "never leave a man behind" and Pro Green left this man for dead. 70 00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,760 What? No, sorry, he can't be my boss. He's my dad. 71 00:03:57,760 --> 00:03:59,840 In here, I'm your colleague, not your dad. 72 00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:02,600 Trust me, Mr. Wickers, our relationship won't affect 73 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:06,720 -the work environment one iota. -This is so cringe. 74 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:10,760 Smootcher can't handle stress. One birthday at Studham Adventure Playground, 75 00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:12,680 he lost his nerve on the zip wire. 76 00:04:12,680 --> 00:04:17,760 Wet himself above some picnickers. Ruined his 18th. 77 00:04:17,760 --> 00:04:21,400 -How is this happening? -Thank you, Mr. Fraser. 78 00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,920 And thank you everyone who's here. 79 00:04:23,920 --> 00:04:27,400 Fornication as magical as today. 80 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,480 Budge up, there's a new banterlope at the watering hole. 81 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:32,520 "This school is in financial dire straits. 82 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,800 It's in need of money for nothing." 83 00:04:35,800 --> 00:04:37,680 Oh. That's good. [clicks tongue] 84 00:04:37,680 --> 00:04:40,160 What about the fundraiser, the teachers' auction? 85 00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:41,640 Yeah, I've raised 20 grand. 86 00:04:41,640 --> 00:04:44,960 I'm afraid it was poorly invested. 87 00:04:44,960 --> 00:04:49,800 I may have launched a clothing range. 88 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,600 Dodgy and Gebanter. 89 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,920 We've taken on extra pupils to secure more funding, but it's not enough. 90 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:02,480 -Regretfully, we're gonna have to lose a member of staff. -What? 91 00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:06,160 Everyone is on redundancy review, from Mr. Fraser downwards. 92 00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:10,720 -Yes. Sorry, what? -The school can't just sack a member of staff. 93 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:11,920 I'll handle this, compadre. 94 00:05:11,920 --> 00:05:16,320 Rosie, I'm sure as a woman, 95 00:05:16,320 --> 00:05:18,800 you were a huge fan of Mrs. Thatcher. 96 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:20,880 [Fraser] Martin did everything he could, Miss G. 97 00:05:20,880 --> 00:05:23,960 -I even looked into pawning my car. -Don't sell the car. 98 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:27,840 Then I'm afraid the worst performing teacher is for the chop. 99 00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:30,920 You won't get away with this. We are teachers-- 100 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:35,800 -united we stand, divided we fall. -Hear! Hear! 101 00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,480 Yeah, what she said. 102 00:05:37,480 --> 00:05:40,320 Ooh, just a quick one. 103 00:05:40,320 --> 00:05:43,600 Would the school be able to by a foosball table off me? 104 00:05:43,600 --> 00:05:45,000 A foosball table? 105 00:05:46,200 --> 00:05:48,680 No. 106 00:05:53,160 --> 00:05:56,400 Feel it, Chantelle, so smooth. Did you Veet it? 107 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,640 Love, you can't just pitch up and dump your shit on me property. 108 00:05:58,640 --> 00:06:00,280 Gypsy king's changed his tune. 109 00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,880 -Shut up your noise. -Whoa, let's just calm down. 110 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,320 Sir, she's disrupting the class. 111 00:06:05,320 --> 00:06:08,920 Well, that's the pot calling the kettle bla-- 112 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:11,000 Go on then, I dare you. 113 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,400 Bl-- 114 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:18,560 a similar color to itself. 115 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,720 And you are? 116 00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:21,160 Cleopatra. 117 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,640 Oh, Cleopatra, coming at ya. 118 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,880 Fuck off, burglar Bill. 119 00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,560 Good, we'll put that one down to first day nerves. 120 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:30,400 -She's got a tongue on her. -What you say? Little Miss Gel Pen. 121 00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:31,560 Which skip did you find that weave in? 122 00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:33,440 -Bitch. -Bin dipper. 123 00:06:33,440 --> 00:06:35,720 -Guys, please be quiet. -Don't touch my shit, yeah. 124 00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:38,400 -What are you gonna do about it? -Okay, can we just sit down and be quiet please? 125 00:06:38,400 --> 00:06:40,560 Touch my shit, I will end you. 126 00:06:40,560 --> 00:06:43,760 -Split-end you. -[chanting] Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight! 127 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,680 Okay, unless you sit down and shut up immediately, 128 00:06:50,680 --> 00:06:53,400 I will write down on the board the name of a character 129 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,400 who dies in Game of Thrones season five. 130 00:06:56,400 --> 00:06:57,800 -Wouldn't dare. -Wouldn't I? 131 00:06:57,800 --> 00:06:59,680 -Give that back to me! -Get off! 132 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,000 -Right, R-- -[screaming] 133 00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,720 -Oh, you silly prick. -"A." 134 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:08,000 [girl] my God! [gasps] 135 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:14,520 Martin Wickers, stop right there. 136 00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:15,920 What the Charlie Dickens is that? 137 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:17,920 The solution to all our money problems. 138 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,400 Behold the SegDesk. 139 00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:24,800 It's pending patent approval, but trust me I'm standing on the next Dyson. 140 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,200 Wonders never cease. Maybe you should give up this teaching lark 141 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:30,000 and become a full-time bona fide inventor. 142 00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:31,800 You know what, maybe I should. 143 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:35,280 Hang on, I know what you're trying to do, you sly old shit. 144 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:37,680 Guilty as charged, my lad. 145 00:07:37,680 --> 00:07:41,480 Anyway, sadly there's only one very obvious candidate for redundancy. 146 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,360 And it came from in your balls. 147 00:07:43,360 --> 00:07:46,400 -It gosh darn did. -[laughing] 148 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,800 Yep, the school governors want me to saddle up my ass and sacrifice my only son. 149 00:07:51,800 --> 00:07:53,960 I just pray Alfie can keep that class under control. 150 00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,760 [Cleopatra] Man, what's wrong with you? Hold him still. 151 00:07:56,760 --> 00:07:59,600 Fraser. Father. 152 00:07:59,600 --> 00:08:01,960 Ready for your appraisal, smoocher? 153 00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:05,000 Yep, just as soon as I've washed the word "twat" off my forehead. 154 00:08:07,600 --> 00:08:10,800 Yep, that should do it. 155 00:08:15,680 --> 00:08:19,400 Dad, you do realize if you fire me, I won't be able to pay my rent. 156 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:21,720 You'll be homeless and back in that smelly car. 157 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:24,560 Which is why it's important that you stay focused. 158 00:08:24,560 --> 00:08:29,680 Right, Mr. Wickers, what's your biggest weakness? 159 00:08:29,680 --> 00:08:32,800 -Honestly? -This is a safe space. 160 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,960 Please, truthfully, your biggest weakness. 161 00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,480 Truthfully? Probably poppers. 162 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,600 [inhales] 163 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,920 [imitates explosion] Every time. 164 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:48,760 Miss Gulliver, your biggest weakness? Nothing? 165 00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:52,400 -What's unique about you? -I'm completely blind in one eye. 166 00:08:52,400 --> 00:08:54,760 Yep, absolutely no depth of vision. 167 00:08:54,760 --> 00:08:58,960 The answer is, of course, my unique sense of humor and with that my work here is done. 168 00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:02,000 -Mr. Fraser, can you sit back down? -Yes, siree, bob. 169 00:09:02,000 --> 00:09:04,520 What's your greatest achievement? 170 00:09:04,520 --> 00:09:06,360 Nearly had a threesome on holiday. 171 00:09:06,360 --> 00:09:09,400 Oh, yes, you've rather lost touch with Atticus Hoy 172 00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,000 -and his brother. -No, I meant on my gap year. 173 00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:17,680 My biggest regret? Hmm. I used to say the "n" word 174 00:09:17,680 --> 00:09:21,800 at least a hundred times a day. "N" word this, "n" word that. It was a real buzz kill. 175 00:09:21,800 --> 00:09:25,160 And then one day I vowed never again to say the word "n-o." 176 00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:29,720 -The "n" word is no? -Yep. Since then everyone at Abbey Grove has been forbidden 177 00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,520 from ever saying the word no to anything. 178 00:09:34,760 --> 00:09:37,000 Except all of the girls. 179 00:09:37,000 --> 00:09:40,840 Oh, come on, Rosie. What's been your proudest moment as a teacher? 180 00:09:40,840 --> 00:09:43,600 This. 181 00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,480 -Describe yourself in one word. -Succeedophile. 182 00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:51,360 -Sorry. -You heard me right, madam. 183 00:09:51,360 --> 00:09:53,680 I am a massive, unrepentant succeedophile 184 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,360 and you'd better put me on the goddamn register, sister, 185 00:09:55,360 --> 00:09:59,440 'cause I will reoffend. At succeeding. 186 00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:01,440 What's your greatest ambition? 187 00:10:01,440 --> 00:10:04,320 [sighs] Probably another threesome. 188 00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,280 Let's rein in the honesty a tad, shall we? 189 00:10:07,280 --> 00:10:10,480 Maybe your ambition is to get some of your pupils into Oxbridge? 190 00:10:10,480 --> 00:10:13,400 Hah! Oxbridge. Never gonna happen. 191 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:18,160 Very good, Alf, but there's actually nothing wrong with Form K. 192 00:10:18,160 --> 00:10:21,360 -I believe there have been tests. -Many, many tests. 193 00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,320 And there may be some people who believe the problem lies elsewhere, 194 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:29,720 and they're saying that you're feckless, childish and incompetent. 195 00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,720 I'm not feckless. I've got loads of feck. 196 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:35,200 I'm a fecking, motherfecker. 197 00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:38,800 So why don't you three just back the feck off? 198 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:42,200 -You're not helping yourself. -Wait. You want to fire me. 199 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:45,320 Of course I don't want to fire you, but you're leaving me with no choice. 200 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:49,360 -I'm your son. -Not at school, Mr. Wickers, we're colleagues. 201 00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:53,200 -For now. -Et tu, Father? 202 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,640 The teachers of Abbey Grove are on strike. 203 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,680 We will not return to work until you promise job security 204 00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,240 for every single member of staff. 205 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,720 Alfie, don't go with her, stay and fight for your job. 206 00:11:06,720 --> 00:11:09,400 Whose side are you on, Alfie? 207 00:11:09,400 --> 00:11:11,760 [Martin] He's always been confused about which side he's on. 208 00:11:11,760 --> 00:11:13,840 One minute he's holding hands with Alice Plemons, 209 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:17,120 the next I catch him ramming pogs up Atticus Hoy's-- 210 00:11:17,120 --> 00:11:20,120 Right. To the barricades! 211 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,000 Just a quick one. 212 00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,760 Teachers still get paid on strike, right? 213 00:11:47,840 --> 00:11:53,000 Teachers united! 214 00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:55,720 [Alfie] This strike is not about individuals. 215 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:59,760 This strike is for every teacher that has ever been sacked 216 00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:01,720 by their own father. 217 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:05,560 This strike is about drawing a line in the sand, 218 00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:08,800 standing up to the man and saying no. 219 00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:10,440 Yes, sir. 220 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:15,880 You sure this is all right, mate? 221 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:19,520 [sighs] God. 222 00:12:19,520 --> 00:12:22,880 I haven't held a placard in my hand since I ran for student president. 223 00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,520 Really, you? 224 00:12:24,520 --> 00:12:26,760 Yeah, I guess you could say back at school I had something 225 00:12:26,760 --> 00:12:27,960 of the politician in me. 226 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,480 Did you get bummed by George Osborne? 227 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,600 Dah. Served another zinger. 228 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,160 What, 'cause all black people work at KFC? 229 00:12:34,160 --> 00:12:36,440 Is that what you're saying, Clarkson? 230 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:38,120 No, not at all. 231 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:42,360 A lot of my best friends work in KFC. 232 00:12:42,360 --> 00:12:46,320 -[Stephen] Look, sir. -Come up. 233 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:49,440 It's my one man Les Mis all over again. 234 00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:53,560 Joe, maybe lose the flag. It makes you look a little bit National Fronty. 235 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:55,880 I'm already sorting out the press. Joe's my PA. 236 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,800 I've spoken to a man from the Watford Guardian. 237 00:12:57,800 --> 00:12:59,880 I want the nationals, babe. 238 00:12:59,880 --> 00:13:02,320 I'm offering The Mail Online photos of Chantelle in a bikini. 239 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:04,840 -Stephen, she's 16. -No, you're right. 240 00:13:04,840 --> 00:13:06,760 She's probably a bit old for the "Sidebar of Shame." 241 00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:10,280 You know what would really grab their attention? A hunger strike. 242 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,800 Joe, you know the way you're on this vegan diet which-- 243 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:16,960 Isn't working. I miss bacon so much. 244 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:20,960 Cheer up, Uncle Fester, soon you'll be skinny enough to start buying your clothes from Jacamo. 245 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:23,640 At least he don't get his threads from Asda. Your mom get a staff discount? 246 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:25,720 -She don't even work at Asda. -So how she get a staff discount? 247 00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,360 -Sucked off George? -Guys. 248 00:13:27,360 --> 00:13:29,600 Don't worry, not your George. 249 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:33,800 Thanks. Look, Joe, my dad says that I'm a bad teacher, 250 00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:37,400 but who's gonna look bad when doctors are force-feeding you through a tube 251 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:38,400 because you love me so much? 252 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,960 Alfie, is this strike just about getting revenge on your dad? 253 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,880 Tsk, no. A hunger strike's win-win mate. 254 00:13:44,880 --> 00:13:47,800 The governors will cave the minute you start losing weight. 255 00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:49,600 How long's that gonna take? I'm going to Tenerife next Christmas. 256 00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:52,840 Listen, guys, actions speak louder than words, Joe. 257 00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:55,200 Rosa Parks, Tiananmen Square. 258 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,240 Protesting the war in Vietnam, a monk set himself on fire. 259 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:02,960 Oh, good idea, I'll get the petrol, we've already got a monk. 260 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:06,240 Idiot. Oh... 261 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,400 Thank God for Jing, always thinking. 262 00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,280 What if we light a real fire under my dad's ass? 263 00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:12,800 Old health and safety's here to save the day. 264 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,320 I was thinking of throwing them off the roof. 265 00:14:14,320 --> 00:14:18,960 -You've changed. -I rebel, therefore I exist. Camus. 266 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,600 -Anyone else finding that a bit annoying? -Yep. 267 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:24,640 Right, I've gotta go find Miss Gulliver, we're drawing up a list of demands. 268 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,840 -Beer at lunch. -Unbelievable. 269 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,440 The reporter's here. Tits and teeth. 270 00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,760 So why did you get expelled from your last school? 271 00:14:36,760 --> 00:14:38,800 I kidnapped a teacher. 272 00:14:38,800 --> 00:14:40,800 -Really? -No, you salad. 273 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,680 I'm not a psycho. 274 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:44,200 Called in a bomb threat to get out of some long division. 275 00:14:44,200 --> 00:14:45,440 Amazing. 276 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:48,800 Pick up your lip. 277 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:54,680 Someone's in love. 278 00:14:54,680 --> 00:14:57,680 Oh, shit, maybe I am. Bollocks. 279 00:14:59,560 --> 00:15:01,960 You've taken a vow of silence? 280 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,120 Okay, just let me know by the way 281 00:15:05,120 --> 00:15:06,920 if you don't want that foosball table. 282 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:10,240 Seriously, just say the word. 283 00:15:10,240 --> 00:15:12,400 We're drawing up a list of demands. 284 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,920 -We demand safe pensions. -Job security. 285 00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:20,720 -No more homework. -I'm a lover, not a fighter, babe. 286 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:23,000 -Like Ghandi. -Oh, totes. 287 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:27,400 David Gandy's always been an inspiration, those abs, like a cobbled street. 288 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:30,320 Wouldn't wanna walk down them in a wedged heel. 289 00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,920 [whispers] 290 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,760 That man with the nappy? Eww. 291 00:15:40,760 --> 00:15:44,000 Wickers. I need your advice. 292 00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,160 I think I like Cleo. She's an absolute weldy. 293 00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:49,360 Really? I thought you and her had beef. 294 00:15:49,360 --> 00:15:53,240 Yeah, I instantly regret using that word. 295 00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:54,880 No, I think I, like, "like her" like her. 296 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:57,560 -She thinks I'm a tool. -I mean, you kind of are. 297 00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:02,000 Look, mate, men like me and you, we're never gonna be able to get girls with our looks. 298 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:05,440 What do you mean, men like me and you? I'm an absolute baller, mate, a nine out of ten. 299 00:16:05,440 --> 00:16:08,120 -You look like a Topshop Peter Sutcliffe. -Right. 300 00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:09,760 I mean, do you want my help? 301 00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:12,680 Our only option is to make girls laugh. Women love a sense of humor. 302 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,200 -Oh, I get it, I've gotta laugh her into-- -A corner, yeah. 303 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:19,480 Laugh her straight into an impulsive flat share 304 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:21,240 that binds her to you financially. 305 00:16:21,240 --> 00:16:22,800 [horn honks] 306 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,800 Code red. They're sending in supply teachers. 307 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,520 [shouting] 308 00:16:30,520 --> 00:16:34,800 Look at them, it's like the army of the unsullied invaded M&S. 309 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:35,560 What's wrong with supply teachers? 310 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,320 Well, put it this way, 311 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,720 even I can get a permanent placement. 312 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:46,200 Scab! Oh, my God, all we need is Julie Walters and it's Billy Elliot. Scab! 313 00:16:46,200 --> 00:16:51,400 Right, that's it, I'm taking this to the next level. 314 00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:52,560 -Dirty protest. -What? 315 00:16:52,560 --> 00:16:55,360 No. I'm gonna hit my dad where it hurts. 316 00:16:55,360 --> 00:16:58,200 -His car. -Shit on his car. 317 00:16:58,200 --> 00:17:00,600 -No, there's no shit. -Oh. 318 00:17:00,600 --> 00:17:03,160 [rock music playing] 319 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:41,720 ♪ Hey! Hey! ♪ 320 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:47,760 ♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪ 321 00:17:49,160 --> 00:17:51,560 Wickers, you been sniffing glue? 322 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,200 Shut up. What is all of this? 323 00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:56,160 It's meant to be a strike, not a festival. 324 00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,240 I thought if we're here for the long-haul, we might as well have a laugh. 325 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,440 Tomato? I'm gonna pelt the supply teachers. 326 00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:02,760 Old school, slapstick. Cleo might like it. 327 00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:05,720 Salad for the salad. 328 00:18:05,720 --> 00:18:11,240 Kelly Osbourne, wanna see a couple of turnips that look like your mom's bollocks? 329 00:18:13,800 --> 00:18:16,120 -Can I have a tomato? -No, Joe, you're on hunger strike. 330 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:18,560 -I'm so hungry. -You're doing great, mate. 331 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,840 And remember, when everyone else is tucking into that delicious hog roast, 332 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:25,360 you my friend are gonna be occupying the moral high ground. 333 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:30,120 Hog roast? Why, God? 334 00:18:31,400 --> 00:18:33,400 Joe. 335 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:36,600 Look what those journo bastards did, sir. 336 00:18:36,600 --> 00:18:38,480 I told them not to print my left side. 337 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:40,600 I said front on or three-quarter profile. 338 00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:45,200 -They've given me fat neck. -Sorry. Did you say all of these things? 339 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,640 I thought it was an interview, not a bloody quiz. 340 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:51,680 Mein Kampf was the name of John Barrowman's autobiography. 341 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,440 -You thought that Hitler's first name was Heil. -Heil Hitler. 342 00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,960 -That Hezbollah and Hamas were chips and dips. -Well, they sound yummy. 343 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:04,400 "When asked who said, 'I have a dream,'" you responded. 344 00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:08,800 Westlife. I know, I know, that one was dumb. Originally it was Abba. 345 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:11,000 -Maybe we are stupid, sir. -No, don't worry, Chantelle. 346 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:15,120 It's just some stupid journalist trying to spin a story out of nothing. 347 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:18,960 Miss Gulliver's class are revising. We're just pissing around. 348 00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,800 Oi, who's nicked my porn? 349 00:19:20,800 --> 00:19:23,800 I'm gonna fail my exams. 350 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:26,960 Who cares, babes? I'm gonna become a dancer and you're gonna be my makeup artist. 351 00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:30,200 Not anymore. I found out I need GCSEs to get into a beauty school. 352 00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:33,760 -I'm screwed. -So that's why you've been working so hard? 353 00:19:33,760 --> 00:19:36,440 If I fail my GCSEs, I'll never get a job. 354 00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,840 What have I got to put on my CV? 355 00:19:38,840 --> 00:19:40,720 I haven't achieved anything. 356 00:19:40,720 --> 00:19:43,840 Not true, babes, you got to snog Science from Big Brother 6. 357 00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,880 I don't wanna be a failure. 358 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:49,200 It's my fault. You're not a failure, Chantelle, and you never will be. 359 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:52,560 My dad's right. I'm letting you guys down. 360 00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:56,640 Don't worry, I'm gonna get into our classroom, I'll get some textbooks, 361 00:19:56,640 --> 00:19:58,640 start teaching you al fresco style. 362 00:19:58,640 --> 00:20:00,720 Who's "Al Fresco"? Wait, is it one of the Jersey Boys? 363 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:04,000 No, babe, al fresco is French for patio. 364 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:06,680 Oh, God, I really need to start teaching you again. 365 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:08,720 But you'll be breaking the strike. 366 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,720 I'm gonna get you those GCSEs. I promise. 367 00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:21,800 As Britain's youngest headmaster I have to be everywhere at once, 368 00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:24,760 in lessons, in the staff room, occasionally in court, 369 00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:26,280 but always in high spirits. 370 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:29,280 [laughs] How do I do this I hear you ask? 371 00:20:29,280 --> 00:20:33,920 I give you the future. 372 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:43,520 Versatile. Versatile. 373 00:20:43,520 --> 00:20:46,840 [telephone rings] 374 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,480 I want those reports on my desk by end of play today. 375 00:20:57,280 --> 00:21:00,400 Still working. 376 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,160 [splashing] 377 00:21:03,160 --> 00:21:05,000 Fast, quiet and efficient, 378 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,240 the SegDesk has all the attributes of a Victorian lover. 379 00:21:08,240 --> 00:21:11,360 So hop on one today. 380 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:23,120 Rosie, what I'm about to do doesn't mean that I don't support you, 381 00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:26,160 and I still think that my dad's being a dick. 382 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,720 But I need to think about my kids. 383 00:21:31,200 --> 00:21:32,960 I'm putting an end to this strike. 384 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:37,200 I'm crossing the picket line and I'm negotiating. 385 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,720 I'm sorry. 386 00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,160 Stop, Alfie! 387 00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,800 You can't let them win. Come back. 388 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:49,240 Ah, you've finally come to your senses. 389 00:21:52,720 --> 00:21:54,120 Traitor. 390 00:21:54,120 --> 00:21:59,400 [all chanting] Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas, Judas! 391 00:22:06,800 --> 00:22:09,200 [laughing] 392 00:22:09,200 --> 00:22:11,160 Come on, Jing, come and give us a hand with something. 393 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:15,520 Stop! I quit. I quit. 394 00:22:15,520 --> 00:22:19,200 -I quit. -What? 395 00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:20,640 I quit. 396 00:22:20,640 --> 00:22:24,920 If that's the only way that I can get everyone back into school, 397 00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,400 then that's the way it's got to be. 398 00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,880 You don't have to. We can break them. 399 00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,640 How long's that gonna take? Days, weeks? 400 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:36,960 I can't risk that. My kids need to be learning, and that's not gonna happen out here. 401 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,560 No, sir, you can't quit. 402 00:22:38,560 --> 00:22:41,400 No, Chantelle, you deserve a better teacher. 403 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:43,560 Maybe this is for the best. 404 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:47,440 So, Dad, reluctantly, I take this redundancy. 405 00:22:47,440 --> 00:22:49,520 The strike's over. 406 00:22:58,800 --> 00:23:02,560 What you just did showed real courage. 407 00:23:02,560 --> 00:23:06,680 I hope I proved a point. This whole thing was getting completely out of hand. 408 00:23:06,680 --> 00:23:10,680 Thankfully now we can all get back to normal. 409 00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:17,520 Good old Alfie, joking to the last. We're gonna miss you, son. 410 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,400 -Miss me? -Well, you did just resign. 411 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:25,400 Yeah, but I mean, I was kind of only doing the whole "I quit" thing 412 00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,360 to show everyone how ludicrous the whole situation was. 413 00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:30,800 I don't actually have to lose my job, do I? 414 00:23:30,800 --> 00:23:33,760 But I've still gotta find the money from somewhere, 415 00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:35,280 and I did plead with the governors, 416 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:37,120 but they were going to insist I sack you anyway. 417 00:23:37,120 --> 00:23:39,760 If only you'd shown this pluck during your review, 418 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:43,240 instead of all that guff about threesomes. 419 00:23:43,240 --> 00:23:47,240 If it's any consolation, you saved me a lot of soul-searching. 420 00:23:47,240 --> 00:23:50,640 Yeah, it's no consolation whatsoever. 421 00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:52,720 Oi, Cleo, watch this. 422 00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:55,560 Commitment is an act, not a word. Sartre. 423 00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:58,640 Eat pig, bitch. Mitchell. 424 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:00,840 -Alfie! -[crowd gasping] 425 00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,640 That is bang out of order, man. 426 00:24:08,640 --> 00:24:10,920 Oh. How could she not find that funny? 427 00:24:10,920 --> 00:24:13,240 We just squashed a vegan with a pig. 428 00:24:13,240 --> 00:24:16,280 You took a pig for me, brother. 429 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,600 I'm so hungry. 430 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:24,640 A hundred grand? That's unbelievable. 431 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:29,440 Yes, I accept. I can't wait to tell the troops. 432 00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:31,640 Stop. Nobody's getting fired. 433 00:24:31,640 --> 00:24:34,600 As I have just sold a patent to the Japanese guy 434 00:24:34,600 --> 00:24:36,840 who brought you such hits as the Shewee and Heboob. 435 00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:41,000 That's right, Japan is about to say konichiwa to the SegDesk. 436 00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:43,000 -That's not true, is it? -I sold my flat. 437 00:24:43,000 --> 00:24:44,840 I knew the governors wanted Alf's head 438 00:24:44,840 --> 00:24:47,000 and I couldn't stay on at Abbey Grove without my best bud. 439 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:50,600 Thanks, Fraser. Where will you live? 440 00:24:50,600 --> 00:24:55,360 Oh, my office. Either that or, Martin, can your car fit two? 441 00:24:55,360 --> 00:24:58,200 It can. Post-divorce I had a rebound fling 442 00:24:58,200 --> 00:25:01,440 with a 16-stone lady trucker called Fat Pat. 443 00:25:01,440 --> 00:25:06,600 Romancing a woman of that size in the back of the flame red Tigo could prove taxing. 444 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:09,240 Getting her bra and truss off alone was a three-man job. 445 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:13,560 Luckily she had a friend, Mick, her husband. 446 00:25:13,560 --> 00:25:15,440 Dark days. 447 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,760 I'll probably just rent. 448 00:25:17,760 --> 00:25:20,920 Dad, about your car. 449 00:25:20,920 --> 00:25:24,800 Before you see it, can you just remember that 450 00:25:24,800 --> 00:25:29,200 I was really, really angry? 451 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:32,280 [laughing] 452 00:25:41,320 --> 00:25:45,600 Oh, my days, that is junked, gashmobile. 453 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:48,240 Man's car got porned. 454 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:52,000 -Half the credit must go to Mr. Mitchell. -What? 455 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:56,720 -Yeah, it was me, I did it. -Quite funny, bruv. 456 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,360 Don't touch me. 457 00:26:03,360 --> 00:26:05,400 Come on. 458 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:08,880 Cheers for that, sir. 459 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:11,520 That's all right. [sighs] 460 00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:14,560 Okay, guess I'd better go get cleaned up then. 461 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:21,360 Yep, that should do it. 462 00:26:25,520 --> 00:26:29,800 -[shouting] -Come on, hit it in! 463 00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,560 Yeah, I rule! One more game then back to work? 464 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:35,120 I'm glad you didn't leave, sir. 465 00:26:35,120 --> 00:26:37,120 Oh, so am I, Chantelle. 466 00:26:37,120 --> 00:26:40,200 You guys are like a family to me. 467 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,480 Mitchell, Joey-boy, even Cleo. 468 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:45,920 Little Rem Dogg. 469 00:26:45,920 --> 00:26:48,200 Where is Rem Dogg? 470 00:26:50,560 --> 00:26:53,480 Oh, shit. Rem Dogg! 471 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,480 Hey. 472 00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:04,240 Oh, someone had a wee-wee in the night. 473 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:06,560 [chains break] 474 00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:09,240 [upbeat music playing] 475 00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:13,160 ♪ Yeah, politics ♪ 476 00:27:26,520 --> 00:27:29,280 [man rapping]