1 00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,960 [upbeat music] 2 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,560 Every year I explain to Miss Pickwell, 3 00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,720 that the Nativity is about Jesus being born, not him being beaten, 4 00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,640 whipped and crucified in real time. 5 00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,960 Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew bashing. 6 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,680 Pro Green was a shoe in to replace her, but she's, um... 7 00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,560 On honeymoon with my dad. Yes, I know. 8 00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,920 I'm trying not to think about it. 9 00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,400 My point is there will be no Xmas play 10 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,960 unless you step up to the plate. 11 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,120 Okay, Fraser, I'll tell you 12 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,320 why I'm not going to do the play. 13 00:00:54,320 --> 00:00:55,840 I was like everyone else; 14 00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,160 when I was growing up, nativities were the highlight of 15 00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,880 my Christmas, and then, 16 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,760 one year, I got the best part I ever got. 17 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:04,720 Joseph? 18 00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:05,960 Mole two. 19 00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960 Were there moles in the manger? 20 00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,480 Uh, yes. 21 00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,000 My mom promised that she'd come and watch me. 22 00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,640 And I went out on stage, but do you know what I saw? 23 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,240 Nothing, moles are blind. 24 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:18,560 No. 25 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:24,600 My mom's empty chair, and that poor little mole 26 00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,640 just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear. 27 00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960 But, look, you don't have to do a Nativity. 28 00:01:32,960 --> 00:01:35,360 It's time for a non-denominational show. 29 00:01:35,360 --> 00:01:37,880 Give a shout out to all de religion! 30 00:01:37,880 --> 00:01:39,440 Hey, but don't forget mine. 31 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:41,720 I'm a Belieber. 32 00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960 [groans] 33 00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,400 Yeah, well I'm a Bel-atheist. 34 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,560 Actually, technically, I think I'd be Belignositic. 35 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,920 I mean, I'd slag him off but if he walked in the door now I'd be all over him like a rash. 36 00:01:51,920 --> 00:01:55,400 Woo hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack. 37 00:01:55,400 --> 00:01:56,560 Kill me. 38 00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:57,920 Hey, you've gotten get Stephen involved. 39 00:01:57,920 --> 00:01:59,920 That guy knows how to put on a show. 40 00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,400 Remember his one-man Precious? 41 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,800 [dramatic music] 42 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,760 [wailing] 43 00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,800 Superb, Fiddler on the Heath? 44 00:02:09,800 --> 00:02:14,160 [funky music] 45 00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:15,560 [chuckles] 46 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,240 Barnstorming, and that biopic of Cheryl Cole. 47 00:02:18,240 --> 00:02:22,400 [sassy music] 48 00:02:22,400 --> 00:02:25,400 [applause] 49 00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,240 Libelous. 50 00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,600 Anyhoo. Question: remember how you sent 51 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,440 your end of term reports via text? 52 00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,960 Yeah, one of my best ideas ever. 53 00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,400 Yeah, well the school governors don't seem to think so. 54 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:36,640 [coughs] Dicks. 55 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,640 They're quite keen for me to fire you, 56 00:02:38,640 --> 00:02:41,840 but you put on this play, and I'll save your heiney 57 00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,400 by throwing this ass in front of the governor's spanking hand. 58 00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,320 Alright, I'll do your shitty little play, 59 00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,400 but just so you know, I hate Christmas shows. 60 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:53,680 We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year, 61 00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,600 and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together 62 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:58,240 some under-thought through festive bollocks with 63 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,280 a load of shit Christmas music. 64 00:03:00,280 --> 00:03:03,720 [Christmas music] 65 00:03:05,480 --> 00:03:09,360 ♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪ 66 00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,560 ♪ And the lights on the Christmas tree ♪ 67 00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,160 ♪ Yeah, and Rudolph knows with his big red nose ♪ 68 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:18,720 ♪ He's keepin' Santa company ♪ 69 00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,680 ♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪ 70 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:22,880 [laughing] 71 00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:25,760 ♪ I feel the magic in the air ♪ 72 00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:27,640 ♪ It's the greatest time... ♪ 73 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,760 Who got me a ticket to West Ham? 74 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,560 I'm Millwall 'til I die. 75 00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,680 Okay, so, six of you have voted for the Nutcracker, 76 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,480 and five of you have voted for Robocop. 77 00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:39,840 So we're doing the Nutcracker. 78 00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,400 No, someone's changed their tune on democracy, 79 00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,480 but you're forgetting Jing, I also get a vote. 80 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,680 So what are we going to do? 81 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:52,960 Got it. 82 00:04:00,320 --> 00:04:01,400 That's our play. 83 00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,800 Robo-cracker? 84 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:03,960 Does that exist? 85 00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,440 Not yet, my friend. Not yet. 86 00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,000 Oh, God, we've read your scripts before. 87 00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,200 What do you mean, "Oh, God?" 88 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,400 You don't really do subtlety, do you? 89 00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,360 Uh, subtlety can lick my balls 90 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,240 and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert. 91 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,400 I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash up. 92 00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,000 That's not going to work. 93 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,120 Uh, yes, it will. What's the best film of the last 20 years? 94 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,640 -Saw IV. -Saw V. 95 00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,480 -Hunger Games. -Meet the Fockers. 96 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,480 -Lolita. -[in Chinese] The Mood For Love by Wong Kar Wai. 97 00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,520 Mm... Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing, but the correct answer is 98 00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,600 Alien Vs. Predator, a plot mash up. 99 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,880 Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will. 100 00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,240 So you won't have to inherit his shitty track suits. 101 00:04:40,240 --> 00:04:42,400 That makes two of us. You won't be getting your mom's clothes 102 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,400 'cause they're all over my bedroom floor. [laughing] 103 00:04:44,400 --> 00:04:47,120 Guys, stop being mean about each others' families. 104 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,800 Your parents are all so supportive of you. 105 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:54,400 You might not realize it now, but you won't appreciate 106 00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,960 how much they love you until your mom's gone... 107 00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:02,320 to live in Spain with Javier and their children. 108 00:05:04,440 --> 00:05:05,400 Gay! 109 00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,800 [chuckles] 110 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,680 Come on, sir. You write your masterpiece, 111 00:05:09,680 --> 00:05:11,560 I'll help you organize auditions. 112 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,720 Thanks, Jing. Oh, and I forgot to say, 113 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,360 we have to give a shout out to all the religions; Christianity, Buddhism, Islam. 114 00:05:17,360 --> 00:05:20,000 -What's China, Jing? -Predominately atheists. 115 00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,600 So you don't get to do Christmas? 116 00:05:21,600 --> 00:05:24,200 That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys. 117 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:26,600 That's like the Elves not having it. 118 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:27,960 Did you just compare--? 119 00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:29,640 Oh, the subject of presents, 120 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:31,280 Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's? 121 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:32,760 Yeah, Dad's sorted it. 122 00:05:32,760 --> 00:05:34,600 One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary. 123 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,320 You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey? 124 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,680 Adopting her a donkey. You know, she loves animals. 125 00:05:38,680 --> 00:05:40,600 And they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards. 126 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:41,880 [bell rings] 127 00:05:41,880 --> 00:05:43,760 Okay, spread the word, castings at break. 128 00:05:43,760 --> 00:05:48,320 So pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely. 129 00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:56,680 Okay, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today? 130 00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,440 -All of it. -All of it? 131 00:05:58,440 --> 00:06:01,680 -You've only got a minute. -Just shut up and press play. 132 00:06:03,240 --> 00:06:06,960 [upbeat music] 133 00:06:17,160 --> 00:06:20,120 -And who are you? -Professor Xavier. 134 00:06:20,120 --> 00:06:21,280 X-men, innit. 135 00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,280 I can read your mind, bruv. 136 00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,320 [scoffs] Yeah, sure. 137 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:26,920 What am I thinking now? 138 00:06:26,920 --> 00:06:27,920 Tits. 139 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,400 [scoffs] Tits. 140 00:06:35,480 --> 00:06:37,960 [whispering] How does he do it? 141 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,240 So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from? 142 00:06:48,240 --> 00:06:51,400 Basic Instinct. 143 00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,800 Basic Instinct? 144 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,480 Oh, my God. Do not move your legs! 145 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:20,440 Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing. Sorted. 146 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,640 -We still only have one good actor. -Yeah, that's all you need. 147 00:07:23,640 --> 00:07:25,480 One good one, then you don't realize how terrible 148 00:07:25,480 --> 00:07:26,720 the other ones actually are. 149 00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,800 -It's like the Kardashians. -Really? 150 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,400 Yeah, as a triptych, fit. 151 00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,200 But you take Kim out of the equation... [groans] 152 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,840 Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be 153 00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,400 sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats. 154 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,840 Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss. 155 00:07:45,840 --> 00:07:48,200 I've come to audition, innit. 156 00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:51,200 Your dance was like good and shit. 157 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,800 Oh, thanks, babes. 158 00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,760 Oh, whatever, man, I ain't bothered. 159 00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:59,000 Well, okay, um, in your own time. 160 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,520 This is gonna be perfect, Jing. 161 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,800 He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing 162 00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,360 talent hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade. 163 00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,760 Where is my Romeo? What's here? 164 00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,800 A cup, closed in my love's true hand? 165 00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,360 Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. 166 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,440 [whispering] He sounds like he's taking a shit. 167 00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:24,880 I will kiss thy lips. 168 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,560 Okay, right, good. 169 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,960 Um... so, let's start with the positives. 170 00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,280 Volume, it was very loud. 171 00:08:35,280 --> 00:08:37,800 I heard every word 172 00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,480 as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire. 173 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,400 So, what part am I gonna play? 174 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,880 Um, unfortunately, Frank, 175 00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,280 there are a lot of really great actors out there. 176 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,800 -What part? -I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you. 177 00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,840 -What part? -The lead? 178 00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,520 -What? -The co-lead. 179 00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,840 [speaking Chinese] 180 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:59,800 Yes, like in Rush Hour. 181 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,840 Whew, thanks, Jing, nice save. 182 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,920 -You all right, sir? -I'm snow-k, you? 183 00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,120 Yeah, not too bad. Yours-elf? 184 00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,600 Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, and Banter! 185 00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,800 Can I get Mr. Wickers mom's number please, sir? 186 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,760 -It's on the toilet wall. -Yeah, I tried that one. 187 00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,400 It weren't real. 188 00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,600 Sorry, why do you want it? 189 00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,320 I'm arranging Mr. Wickers a nice surprise. 190 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,800 -Genuinely nice? -Yeah, it's Christmas. 191 00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,960 I want to invite her to Mr. Wicker's play. 192 00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,000 Wow, do you know what, hustler, 193 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,600 I think I am going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me. 194 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,280 Although, Alfie's not seen her in years. 195 00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,400 You gotta convince her then. Make something up. 196 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,880 Righto. 197 00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,480 Hello, is that Mrs. Wickers? 198 00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,160 Sorry, currently Mrs. Garcia-Ramirez? 199 00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,520 Yes, it's Mr. Fraser here. 200 00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,280 Alfie's... 201 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,760 been in a horrific car crash. 202 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,920 Okay, so this is Robo-cracker. 203 00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,000 In a world without hope, lived an angry, 204 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,520 maladjusted delinquent boy. 205 00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,200 That is you, Frank. 206 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,800 Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree 207 00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,800 a doll, it's Robo-cracker. 208 00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,120 That's you, Stephen. 209 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,200 Christmas miracle, Robo-cracker's alive! 210 00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,480 And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world. 211 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,640 Sprinkle in a couple of explosions, 212 00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,160 throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA? 213 00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,120 You can't win a BAFTA for a theater show. 214 00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,400 All the parts are cast, except for the role 215 00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:39,360 of the villain, North Korean despot, Kim Jong Un. 216 00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,360 Oh, who, oh, who, could play that part? 217 00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,240 You want me to play an overweight, middle aged, North Korean man? 218 00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,200 Uh, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here. 219 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:55,360 We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character, 220 00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:01,600 a very rounded sort of chubby, oddball, loner. 221 00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,240 Just give me the script. 222 00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,360 Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not so Lil' Kim. 223 00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,360 How is Kim Jong Un in Robo-cracker? 224 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,880 Uh, because Kim Jong Un wants to capture 225 00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,000 Robo-cracker so that he can use his robotic heart 226 00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,840 to power a missile that can destroy the world. 227 00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,480 Only when he gets hold of the heart he realizes it's not robotic. 228 00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,400 It's actually the heart of a real boy instead. 229 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,800 It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing. 230 00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,840 Thank you, sir. It's beautiful. 231 00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,360 Why can't we just do Shakespeare? 232 00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,680 For the same reason that I don't watch 233 00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,640 Question Time, because it's boring, 234 00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,480 confusing, and the audience laugh at a load of jokes 235 00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,880 that no normal person would ever understand. 236 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,880 So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment? 237 00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,160 Everyone get naked? 238 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,440 No, what we do is we all lie on the floor, 239 00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,760 and then take turns to roll over each other. 240 00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,200 Pick a partner. 241 00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,120 [exhales] 242 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,760 I'll take Joe. 243 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,920 When you're ready, just over you go. 244 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,640 Nearly there, big guy. 245 00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,360 Oh, my back. 246 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,440 [grunting] 247 00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,400 -Rem Dogg! -It is my go, sir? 248 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,320 -No, no. -Trust me, sir. 249 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,240 Where are you going? Trust me! 250 00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,640 Hello! 251 00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,800 We were just doing a trust exercise. 252 00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,440 Right. 253 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,640 Um, I was wondering who's coming on our special 254 00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,680 outing this evening? 255 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,000 Shit, sorry, I forgot to ask. 256 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,800 Um, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver-- 257 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,760 -And Mr. Wickers. -And me... 258 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,400 to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen? 259 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,880 I ain't goin' tramp-wanking. 260 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,000 There's no wanking involved, Mitchell. 261 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:01,800 Is there? 262 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,680 Why would we wank off tramps? 263 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,200 To keep them warm? 264 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,360 Does anyone want to volunteer? 265 00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,800 The thing is, Rosie, um, we're kind of doing this play, 266 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,440 so we don't really have much spare time. 267 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,360 Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really... 268 00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,400 Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise. 269 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,120 Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play. 270 00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,840 I need to get the governors back on board. 271 00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,440 So, I'm afraid on this occasion I... [stamps foot] 272 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,520 am putting my foot down. 273 00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,640 [sighs] [Christmas music] 274 00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,800 [muttering] 275 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,760 Isn't this fun? 276 00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,720 Aren't you glad I made you come? 277 00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,520 Yeah. 278 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,520 Get me some bucky, pal. 279 00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,880 Bucky? 280 00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,360 It's alcohol. [chuckles] 281 00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,800 Yeah, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen. 282 00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,240 [speaks indistinct] 283 00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,280 Get some bucky or you'll end up in a ditch you tough... 284 00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,680 Okay, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons?" 285 00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,680 [dog barks] 286 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,800 Oi, don't you be tellin me what to do! 287 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,280 You're not the boss me ya... dog. 288 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,840 Oh, a lovely doggie. What's his name? 289 00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,240 Um... 290 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,480 "If found please call 020..." Numbers! 291 00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,520 What an odd name to give a dog. 292 00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,240 No, no he's not mine. I stole him off some nuptie headed bastard who tried 293 00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,440 to give me a doin' in the street. 294 00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,800 How awful. 295 00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,240 Aye, he came with a stick! 296 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,680 Eh, but I got it off him. 297 00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,800 'Cause no one messes with Boney. 298 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,160 I'll sell it to youse if you like. Huh? No. 299 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,960 Got these and all. 300 00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,920 Brand new like. 301 00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,840 [Rem Dogg] Sir! 302 00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,440 Aren't tramps lovely? 303 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,000 [Christmas music] 304 00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,800 ♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪ 305 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,800 ♪ And the lights on the Christmas tree ♪ 306 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,560 Sir, what sort of donkey do you want? 307 00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,640 -A boy or girl? -Just whatever looks cutest. 308 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:09,400 "But, Robo-cracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?" 309 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,880 "Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono!" 310 00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,720 And then you hug him. 311 00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,120 I ain't hugging any blokes. 312 00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:22,920 Lads, can I give you a wee bit of advice? 313 00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,240 Think of yourselves as blank canvases onto which 314 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,400 your characters motivations are projected. 315 00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,160 You get what I'm saying? 316 00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,480 Sorry, what do you know about drama? 317 00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,720 What don't I know about drama you, ya jobby jabber! 318 00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,680 Okay, maybe not looking at me, right, 319 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,720 but I have always been a dirty Jake! 320 00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,200 See, back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation. 321 00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,480 -Really? -You name it, I've done it. 322 00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,200 Corporate videos, part in Taggart, 323 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,600 even done a run at the RSC, and then the work dried up, 324 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,880 worse than a swamp donkey's fud. 325 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,760 I can only imagine what that is. 326 00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,800 Aye, I hit the bucky, I hit the wife. 327 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,640 I hit the streets, living rough, 328 00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,800 begging for booze money, and then aye, 329 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,720 then things got really bad. 330 00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,880 Did you get into heroin? 331 00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,920 I got into Hollyoaks. 332 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,400 -Ah, Mrs. Hegarty. -Hi. 333 00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,800 Ah, Mr. Bonehead, so pleased you could make it. 334 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:26,920 Where's the bar? I need a drink. 335 00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,800 -Who invited those guys? -I did. 336 00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,240 I thought you'd like it. 337 00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,800 I get that they're homeless right, but they could 338 00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:36,520 have made a bit of effort. 339 00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,560 That guy over there's not even got any shoes on. 340 00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,000 Now, this is what I'm talking about. 341 00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,760 A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort. 342 00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,800 Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge, 343 00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,000 but at least you've found yourself a suit! 344 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,320 [sniffs] You've had a wash. 345 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,120 And... you're a governor. 346 00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:00,240 Mr. Hardside, I've just remembered now, 347 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,720 I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening. 348 00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,120 Mrs. Wickers is at Gatwick. 349 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,880 How are we going to explain her son's 350 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880 sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup? 351 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,360 Our options are A, Christmas miracle or two, actually maim Alf. 352 00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,760 No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir. 353 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,400 Me dad's got a load of these left over 354 00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,480 from making whiplash claims. He's saving up for a car. 355 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,800 Brill cream! Mr. Wickers, go! 356 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,240 [clears throat] 357 00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,400 We need to get everyone inside. 358 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,880 Alf, quickly, you need to put this on. 359 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,280 Elf n' safety, get it? 360 00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,400 But, seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading. 361 00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,320 [groans] 362 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:49,720 God bless, mazel tov, Allahu Akbar. 363 00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,200 [harmonizing] 364 00:17:55,760 --> 00:18:00,400 Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities. 365 00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,520 That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back. 366 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,120 I can see you. 367 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,360 [speaks indistinct] 368 00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,680 And a very merry Christmas to you, sir. 369 00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,720 Over to you, Mr. Wickers. Drop it like it's hot. 370 00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,760 [clears throat] 371 00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,120 It was the night before Christmas 372 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:22,840 and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, 373 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,520 not even a mouse. 374 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,400 [Grayson] Oh, get off me you bell end! 375 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:31,320 [Alfie] Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy. 376 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,240 [whispering] Why aren't you wearing your costume? 377 00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,880 [whispering] I'm wearing tights, man. 378 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,960 Frank's parents are poor. 379 00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:44,840 No presents today, unless... Hark! What is this? 380 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,640 It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh? 381 00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,360 Ho-ho-ho! 382 00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,440 "I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say. 383 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,760 As he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh. 384 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,320 [whispering] I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead. 385 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:06,680 As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present 386 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,160 whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh. 387 00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,880 [Stephen] Let me out. I can't breathe! 388 00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:16,600 Day turned to night and then night turned to day. 389 00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,160 Why did I bother getting out of bed? 390 00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:22,120 Frank did say, very loudly. 391 00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,800 -[Stephen] Let me out! -What's this shite! 392 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,280 What did you say? 393 00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,960 But under the tree. What's this that Frank spies? 394 00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,920 It's Robo-cracker. 395 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,960 Frank can't believe his eyes! 396 00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,400 Let me out! [screams] 397 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,400 -[crowd gasps] -Are you alright? 398 00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,400 I couldn't breathe in that box. 399 00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,880 [Alfie] Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear. 400 00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:50,640 Make this doll come to life and I'll stop drinking beer... 401 00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,720 behind the bike sheds, and being a massive bully 402 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,840 and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school. 403 00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,120 FYI, the only person that's ever touched my bum 404 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,840 is my friend, Atticus Hoye, like once when we were 405 00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,240 at the Eden Project, this one time. 406 00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,400 [Mitchell] Gay! 407 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,400 Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show. 408 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,600 Frank and his friend set out on a quest. 409 00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,560 Until they'd help everyone, they would not rest. 410 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,480 Who wrote this shite? 411 00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,160 I've seem jobbies come out of my arse with 412 00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,840 better structure than this. 413 00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,800 [crowd murmuring] 414 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,840 [classical music plays] 415 00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,000 [screams] 416 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,840 Jing this is my solo! 417 00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,880 I can't see in this stupid helmet! 418 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,120 [crowd gasps] 419 00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,760 This is so unprofessional. 420 00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:37,880 [Alfie] Pull your trousers up! 421 00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,520 Get... Get off! 422 00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:40,920 Mitchell, stop it! 423 00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,920 Get off, you idiot. 424 00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:46,920 Interval! 425 00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,240 Meanwhile, in Jerusalem: 426 00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,600 I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard. 427 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,640 [Rem Dogg] Do one! 428 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,800 Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye! 429 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,400 I'm gonna pin you down and tea bag ya. 430 00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,400 Come on, get your balls in here. 431 00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,240 Not even in the script. 432 00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:06,280 But here comes Robo-cracker. He has an idea of a neutral shared city 433 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:12,720 in a two state solution, which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance. 434 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:17,000 [pop song plays] 435 00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:22,440 That's right, it's now time for the toler-ance dance. 436 00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:25,840 ♪ We can make our lives a little better ♪ 437 00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:30,760 ♪ If we all would just get along ♪ 438 00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,600 ♪ We can build ourselves a better future ♪ 439 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,120 -♪ Together we're so strong ♪ - ♪ We're so strong ♪ 440 00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:44,720 ♪ 'Cause we can make a difference ♪ 441 00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:50,720 ♪ If we come together as one ♪ 442 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,200 Yeah, Robo-cracker brings everyone together. 443 00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,720 It's a miracle! 444 00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,760 Ah, it's in my bloody eye. 445 00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,560 It's a miracle. 446 00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:20,000 They've put an end to heartache and loss, 447 00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:25,480 but now our brave pair must take on the boss. 448 00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,480 I'll get you Robo-cracker! 449 00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,400 No, you shant for I am a real boy! 450 00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,240 -[explosion] -[crowd gasps] 451 00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,800 [screams] 452 00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,400 [slow piano music] 453 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,800 Where is my Romeo? 454 00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,000 Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. 455 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:05,520 I will kiss thy lips; happily some poison yet doth hang on them. 456 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,600 Thy lips are warm. 457 00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,720 Let me die! 458 00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,840 [Alfie] Alas there's no hope, 459 00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,480 no treatment, no drug, 460 00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,400 as Robo's life fades away, 461 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,320 Frank bids adieu with a hug. 462 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,560 Hug, in the script it says hug. 463 00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,160 [coughs] 464 00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,000 But what's this? 465 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,320 Robo-cracker has been reincarnated and finally 466 00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,880 he's a real boy! 467 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,440 The end! 468 00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,000 [applause] 469 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,520 Come on, you lot. Out you get. 470 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,520 Haven't you got homes to go to? 471 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,360 Well done. 472 00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,960 Oh, thank you. 473 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,520 Fair dues... 474 00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,280 Your narrative arc was engaging, 475 00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,480 but the pleasurable representations don't need depend 476 00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,160 on the likeness of the thing that they are portraying. 477 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,240 You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite! 478 00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,520 Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time. 479 00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,920 [sniffs] 480 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,600 My brave little baby. 481 00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,000 Mommy! 482 00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,880 I can't believe you came. 483 00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,560 We came as soon as we heard about the accident. 484 00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,760 The accident? 485 00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,720 Me, forgetting to put her invite 486 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,200 in the frickin' post. That accident! 487 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,320 You invited my mom? 488 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,920 Well, it was Mr. Mitchell's idea. 489 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,400 Don't go soppy on me, Dickers. 490 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,640 And Uncle Javier is here, too! 491 00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,560 Great, Uncle Javier, 492 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,200 I've really missed him. 493 00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,480 Oh... 494 00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,000 [speaks Spanish] 495 00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,600 Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you. 496 00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,640 We gonna find the men who put you in this chair, and we gonna make them pay. 497 00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,160 [crying] 498 00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,920 Can someone stop Fernado Torres trying to bum me? 499 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,480 [Mrs. Wickers] Javier, that's not Alfie. 500 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,280 -This is. -Hi. 501 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,240 Hey, I knew it. 502 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,760 It was a little joke. 503 00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:50,400 Um, Mom, Javier. 504 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,360 This is the girl I've been telling you about, Rosie. 505 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,120 It's so nice to meet you. 506 00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,560 [both laughing] 507 00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,720 So, will you be staying for Christmas? 508 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:10,160 We are going to stay until little Alfie is better. 509 00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,160 We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner. 510 00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,240 Who wants turkey? 511 00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,560 [all chattering] 512 00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,480 Did you get the West Ham ticket? 513 00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,800 Oh, you got me that? 514 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,600 Do you wanna go? 515 00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,280 All right, yeah. 516 00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,960 I mean it don't mean nothing or like, whatever. 517 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,280 You can give up that act now, babes. 518 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,000 -Guess what I've done with them crackers? -What? 519 00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,960 Swapped the jokes. 520 00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,520 Here's one for you. 521 00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,600 What do nine out of ten people enjoy? 522 00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,920 Gang ra... 523 00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,440 Ra... [growls] 524 00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:56,760 [laughing] 525 00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,400 An impression of a lion. 526 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,960 Excuse me, ladies and gents. 527 00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,360 Just gonna go down the hallway to only use your lavatory. 528 00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,320 So, thank youse. 529 00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,160 Bonehead's got his life back on track. 530 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,800 Your play really helped him. 531 00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,680 I just think it's great that we've been able 532 00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,520 to show him the bigger picture. 533 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,800 Oh, I got you a tiny, silly, little present thing. 534 00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,720 [whispering] Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along? 535 00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,760 It's arrived from Romania about an hour ago. 536 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,920 -Oh, amazing. -Have you got the certificate? 537 00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,480 What certificate? 538 00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,600 Right, here's half the donkey. 539 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,800 The rest I gave the kitchens. 540 00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,400 I figured you couldn't eat it all. 541 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,840 Alfredo, this meat is lovely! 542 00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,400 It's so bloody moist! 543 00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:53,640 [soft chuckle] 544 00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:00,520 [gasps] 545 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,280 Bu... Buble! 546 00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,120 Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas? 547 00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,280 I guess I must really love you. 548 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,000 [Christmas music] 549 00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,360 ♪ The most magical time ♪ 550 00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:21,800 ♪ Of the year ♪ 551 00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:25,440 Sir's got a boner! 552 00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,400 [laughing] 553 00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,000 [Alfie] Mitchell!