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00:00:01,440 --> 00:00:03,960
[upbeat music]
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00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:32,560
Every year I explain
to Miss Pickwell,
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00:00:32,560 --> 00:00:36,720
that the Nativity is about
Jesus being born,
not him being beaten,
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00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:38,640
whipped and crucified
in real time.
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00:00:38,640 --> 00:00:41,960
Yeah, she also went a little
bit heavy with the Jew bashing.
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00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,680
Pro Green was a shoe in to
replace her, but she's, um...
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00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:46,560
On honeymoon with my dad.
Yes, I know.
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00:00:46,560 --> 00:00:47,920
I'm trying not to
think about it.
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00:00:47,920 --> 00:00:50,400
My point is there will
be no Xmas play
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00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:51,960
unless you step up to the plate.
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00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,120
Okay, Fraser, I'll tell you
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00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:54,320
why I'm not going
to do the play.
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I was like everyone else;
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00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,160
when I was growing up,
nativities were the highlight of
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00:00:58,160 --> 00:01:00,880
my Christmas, and then,
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00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:03,760
one year, I got the
best part I ever got.
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00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:04,720
Joseph?
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00:01:04,720 --> 00:01:05,960
Mole two.
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00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:07,960
Were there moles
in the manger?
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00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,480
Uh, yes.
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My mom promised that
she'd come and watch me.
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And I went out on stage,
but do you know what I saw?
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Nothing, moles are blind.
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No.
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My mom's empty chair,
and that poor little mole
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just wanted to burrow down
into the ground and disappear.
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00:01:30,960 --> 00:01:32,960
But, look, you don't
have to do a Nativity.
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It's time for a
non-denominational show.
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Give a shout out
to all de religion!
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Hey, but don't forget mine.
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I'm a Belieber.
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00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:42,960
[groans]
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00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:45,400
Yeah, well I'm a Bel-atheist.
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00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,560
Actually, technically,
I think I'd be Belignositic.
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00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,920
I mean, I'd slag him off
but if he walked in the door now
I'd be all over him like a rash.
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Woo hoo! Banter Claus
just pulled a big one
from his gag sack.
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Kill me.
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00:01:56,560 --> 00:01:57,920
Hey, you've gotten
get Stephen involved.
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That guy knows how
to put on a show.
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00:01:59,920 --> 00:02:02,400
Remember his one-man Precious?
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00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:05,800
[dramatic music]
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00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,760
[wailing]
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00:02:07,760 --> 00:02:09,800
Superb, Fiddler on the Heath?
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[funky music]
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[chuckles]
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00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,240
Barnstorming, and that
biopic of Cheryl Cole.
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[sassy music]
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[applause]
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Libelous.
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00:02:27,240 --> 00:02:29,600
Anyhoo. Question:
remember how you sent
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00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:31,440
your end of term reports
via text?
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00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:32,960
Yeah, one of my
best ideas ever.
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Yeah, well the school governors
don't seem to think so.
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[coughs]
Dicks.
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They're quite keen
for me to fire you,
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but you put on this play,
and I'll save your heiney
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00:02:41,840 --> 00:02:45,400
by throwing this ass in front of
the governor's spanking hand.
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00:02:45,400 --> 00:02:48,320
Alright, I'll do your
shitty little play,
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00:02:48,320 --> 00:02:51,400
but just so you know,
I hate Christmas shows.
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We have done some perfectly
good stuff earlier in the year,
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00:02:53,680 --> 00:02:55,600
and now we have to ruin it
by cobbling together
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some under-thought through
festive bollocks with
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a load of shit Christmas music.
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[Christmas music]
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♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
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00:03:09,360 --> 00:03:12,560
♪ And the lights
on the Christmas tree ♪
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00:03:12,560 --> 00:03:16,160
♪ Yeah, and Rudolph knows
with his big red nose ♪
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♪ He's keepin' Santa company ♪
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00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:21,680
♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
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[laughing]
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♪ I feel the magic in the air ♪
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♪ It's the greatest time... ♪
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Who got me a
ticket to West Ham?
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I'm Millwall 'til I die.
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00:03:31,560 --> 00:03:35,680
Okay, so, six of you have
voted for the Nutcracker,
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00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,480
and five of you have
voted for Robocop.
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So we're doing the Nutcracker.
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00:03:39,840 --> 00:03:42,400
No, someone's changed
their tune on democracy,
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00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:45,480
but you're forgetting
Jing, I also get a vote.
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So what are we going to do?
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00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:52,960
Got it.
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That's our play.
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00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:02,800
Robo-cracker?
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00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:03,960
Does that exist?
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00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:06,440
Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
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00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,000
Oh, God, we've read
your scripts before.
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00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:10,200
What do you mean, "Oh, God?"
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00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:12,400
You don't really
do subtlety, do you?
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00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,360
Uh, subtlety can lick my balls
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00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,240
and then eat a plate
of my ass for dessert.
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00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:17,400
I'll just go on Wikipedia,
bosh out a plot mash up.
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00:04:17,400 --> 00:04:19,000
That's not going to work.
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00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,120
Uh, yes, it will. What's the
best film of the last 20 years?
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00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:22,640
-Saw IV.
-Saw V.
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00:04:22,640 --> 00:04:24,480
-Hunger Games.
-Meet the Fockers.
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00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,480
-Lolita.
-[in Chinese] The Mood For Love
by Wong Kar Wai.
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00:04:26,480 --> 00:04:30,520
Mm... Rush Hour's a good shout,
Jing, but the correct answer is
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00:04:30,520 --> 00:04:34,600
Alien Vs. Predator,
a plot mash up.
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00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,880
Mate, if my dad finds
out I've been on stage,
he'll cut me out the will.
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00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,240
So you won't have to inherit
his shitty track suits.
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That makes two of us. You won't
be getting your mom's clothes
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'cause they're all
over my bedroom floor.
[laughing]
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Guys, stop being mean
about each others' families.
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00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,800
Your parents are all
so supportive of you.
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00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:54,400
You might not realize it now,
but you won't appreciate
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00:04:54,400 --> 00:04:57,960
how much they love you
until your mom's gone...
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00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:02,320
to live in Spain
with Javier and their children.
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Gay!
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00:05:05,400 --> 00:05:06,800
[chuckles]
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Come on, sir.
You write your masterpiece,
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I'll help you
organize auditions.
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Thanks, Jing.
Oh, and I forgot to say,
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we have to give a shout out
to all the religions;
Christianity, Buddhism, Islam.
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-What's China, Jing?
-Predominately atheists.
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00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,600
So you don't get
to do Christmas?
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That seems a bit unfair
considering you make
all the toys.
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That's like the
Elves not having it.
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Did you just compare--?
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Oh, the subject of presents,
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Mitchell,
how is Miss Gulliver's?
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Yeah, Dad's sorted it.
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One of his mates
owns a donkey sanctuary.
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You're buying
Miss Gulliver a donkey?
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Adopting her a donkey.
You know, she loves animals.
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And they're a lot cheaper
than snow leopards.
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[bell rings]
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Okay, spread the word,
castings at break.
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So pick your own audition pieces
and choose them wisely.
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00:05:51,880 --> 00:05:56,680
Okay, Stephen,
what scene from Flashdance
are you doing today?
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-All of it.
-All of it?
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-You've only got a minute.
-Just shut up and press play.
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[upbeat music]
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-And who are you?
-Professor Xavier.
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X-men, innit.
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00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,280
I can read your mind, bruv.
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[scoffs]
Yeah, sure.
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What am I thinking now?
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Tits.
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[scoffs]
Tits.
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[whispering]
How does he do it?
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00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,240
So, Chantelle, where have you
taken your scene from?
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Basic Instinct.
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00:06:51,400 --> 00:06:52,800
Basic Instinct?
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00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:56,480
Oh, my God.
Do not move your legs!
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00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:20,440
Obviously, you're in the play.
That was amazing. Sorted.
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00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:23,640
-We still only have
one good actor.
-Yeah, that's all you need.
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One good one, then you
don't realize how terrible
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the other ones actually are.
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00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,800
-It's like the Kardashians.
-Really?
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00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:31,400
Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
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00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,200
But you take Kim
out of the equation...
[groans]
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00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:34,840
Kourtney suddenly looks
like she should be
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00:07:34,840 --> 00:07:38,400
sat underneath a bridge
that she guards, eating goats.
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00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,840
Now, look, Frank, there's
no need to take the piss.
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I've come to audition, innit.
156
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Your dance was
like good and shit.
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Oh, thanks, babes.
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00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,760
Oh, whatever, man,
I ain't bothered.
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00:07:54,760 --> 00:07:59,000
Well, okay, um,
in your own time.
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This is gonna be perfect, Jing.
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00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,800
He'll be like Plan B,
all moody but with an amazing
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00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:07,360
talent hidden between the urban,
slightly stabby facade.
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00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:14,760
Where is my Romeo?
What's here?
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00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,800
A cup,
closed in my love's true hand?
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00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,360
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
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00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:22,440
[whispering]
He sounds like
he's taking a shit.
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I will kiss thy lips.
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00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:26,560
Okay, right, good.
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00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:31,960
Um... so, let's start
with the positives.
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00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:35,280
Volume, it was very loud.
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I heard every word
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00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:41,480
as I think did
the whole of Hertfordshire.
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So, what part am I gonna play?
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00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:44,880
Um, unfortunately, Frank,
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00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:48,280
there are a lot of really
great actors out there.
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00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:51,800
-What part?
-I'm afraid,
there isn't a role for you.
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00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:53,840
-What part?
-The lead?
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00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,520
-What?
-The co-lead.
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00:08:55,520 --> 00:08:56,840
[speaking Chinese]
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Yes, like in Rush Hour.
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00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:03,840
Whew, thanks, Jing, nice save.
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00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,920
-You all right, sir?
-I'm snow-k, you?
183
00:09:07,920 --> 00:09:10,120
Yeah, not too bad.
Yours-elf?
184
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:14,600
Oh, Rudolph, Donner,
Blitzen, and Banter!
185
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,800
Can I get Mr. Wickers
mom's number please, sir?
186
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,760
-It's on the toilet wall.
-Yeah, I tried that one.
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00:09:18,760 --> 00:09:20,400
It weren't real.
188
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:21,600
Sorry, why do you want it?
189
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,320
I'm arranging
Mr. Wickers a nice surprise.
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00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:26,800
-Genuinely nice?
-Yeah, it's Christmas.
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00:09:26,800 --> 00:09:27,960
I want to invite her
to Mr. Wicker's play.
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00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:30,000
Wow, do you know what, hustler,
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00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:33,600
I think I am going to drop
that goodwill pill you just
scored me.
194
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,280
Although,
Alfie's not seen her in years.
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00:09:36,280 --> 00:09:38,400
You gotta convince her then.
Make something up.
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00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:39,880
Righto.
197
00:09:43,320 --> 00:09:45,480
Hello, is that Mrs. Wickers?
198
00:09:45,480 --> 00:09:48,160
Sorry, currently
Mrs. Garcia-Ramirez?
199
00:09:48,160 --> 00:09:50,520
Yes, it's Mr. Fraser here.
200
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,280
Alfie's...
201
00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:56,760
been in a horrific car crash.
202
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:05,920
Okay, so this is Robo-cracker.
203
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,000
In a world without hope,
lived an angry,
204
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,520
maladjusted delinquent boy.
205
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:12,200
That is you, Frank.
206
00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:15,800
Frank wakes up Christmas
morning, finds beneath the tree
207
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:16,800
a doll, it's Robo-cracker.
208
00:10:16,800 --> 00:10:18,120
That's you, Stephen.
209
00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,200
Christmas miracle,
Robo-cracker's alive!
210
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:23,480
And him and the delinquent boy
set about to bring
peace to the world.
211
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,640
Sprinkle in a couple
of explosions,
212
00:10:25,640 --> 00:10:29,160
throw in a sex scene,
bish bash bosh,
who smells BAFTA?
213
00:10:29,160 --> 00:10:31,120
You can't win a BAFTA
for a theater show.
214
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:34,400
All the parts are cast,
except for the role
215
00:10:34,400 --> 00:10:39,360
of the villain, North Korean
despot, Kim Jong Un.
216
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:44,360
Oh, who, oh, who,
could play that part?
217
00:10:44,360 --> 00:10:47,240
You want me to play
an overweight, middle aged,
North Korean man?
218
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:51,200
Uh, no, Jing, we're not talking
about a lazy stereotype here.
219
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:55,360
We are talking about
a three-dimensional,
very rounded character,
220
00:10:55,360 --> 00:11:01,600
a very rounded sort of chubby,
oddball, loner.
221
00:11:01,600 --> 00:11:03,240
Just give me the script.
222
00:11:03,240 --> 00:11:06,360
Joe, you are going to make
a brilliant not so Lil' Kim.
223
00:11:06,360 --> 00:11:08,360
How is Kim Jong Un
in Robo-cracker?
224
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,880
Uh, because Kim Jong Un
wants to capture
225
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,000
Robo-cracker so that he
can use his robotic heart
226
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:13,840
to power a missile
that can destroy the world.
227
00:11:13,840 --> 00:11:16,480
Only when he gets hold
of the heart he realizes
it's not robotic.
228
00:11:16,480 --> 00:11:18,400
It's actually the heart
of a real boy instead.
229
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,800
It's actually very obvious
if you think about it, Jing.
230
00:11:21,800 --> 00:11:23,840
Thank you, sir.
It's beautiful.
231
00:11:23,840 --> 00:11:25,360
Why can't we just
do Shakespeare?
232
00:11:25,360 --> 00:11:26,680
For the same reason
that I don't watch
233
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:28,640
Question Time,
because it's boring,
234
00:11:28,640 --> 00:11:31,480
confusing, and the audience
laugh at a load of jokes
235
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:33,880
that no normal person
would ever understand.
236
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:38,880
So, how do we create a loyal,
trusting, happy environment?
237
00:11:38,880 --> 00:11:40,160
Everyone get naked?
238
00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:42,440
No, what we do is we
all lie on the floor,
239
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,760
and then take turns to
roll over each other.
240
00:11:44,760 --> 00:11:46,200
Pick a partner.
241
00:11:51,400 --> 00:11:53,120
[exhales]
242
00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:54,760
I'll take Joe.
243
00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,920
When you're ready,
just over you go.
244
00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:08,640
Nearly there, big guy.
245
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,360
Oh, my back.
246
00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:16,440
[grunting]
247
00:12:16,440 --> 00:12:18,400
-Rem Dogg!
-It is my go, sir?
248
00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:21,320
-No, no.
-Trust me, sir.
249
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:24,240
Where are you going? Trust me!
250
00:12:27,720 --> 00:12:29,640
Hello!
251
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:32,800
We were just doing
a trust exercise.
252
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,440
Right.
253
00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:39,640
Um, I was wondering who's
coming on our special
254
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:41,680
outing this evening?
255
00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:44,000
Shit, sorry, I forgot to ask.
256
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:48,800
Um, guys, do any of you want
to go with Miss Gulliver--
257
00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:50,760
-And Mr. Wickers.
-And me...
258
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,400
to a lovely,
trampy soup kitchen?
259
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,880
I ain't goin' tramp-wanking.
260
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:59,000
There's no wanking involved,
Mitchell.
261
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:01,800
Is there?
262
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,680
Why would we wank off tramps?
263
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,200
To keep them warm?
264
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,360
Does anyone want to volunteer?
265
00:13:09,360 --> 00:13:12,800
The thing is, Rosie, um,
we're kind of doing this play,
266
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,440
so we don't really
have much spare time.
267
00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:18,360
Plus, I don't speak Scottish,
so me and tramps don't really...
268
00:13:18,360 --> 00:13:21,400
Alfie, I am going to make
you stick to your promise.
269
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,120
Well, I'm sorry,
I have to do this play.
270
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,840
I need to get the
governors back on board.
271
00:13:24,840 --> 00:13:27,440
So, I'm afraid on this occasion
I... [stamps foot]
272
00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,520
am putting my foot down.
273
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:31,640
[sighs]
[Christmas music]
274
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,800
[muttering]
275
00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,760
Isn't this fun?
276
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:43,720
Aren't you glad I made you come?
277
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:45,520
Yeah.
278
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:47,520
Get me some bucky, pal.
279
00:13:47,520 --> 00:13:48,880
Bucky?
280
00:13:48,880 --> 00:13:51,360
It's alcohol.
[chuckles]
281
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,800
Yeah, I'm afraid we only serve
soup in this soup kitchen.
282
00:13:54,800 --> 00:13:57,240
[speaks indistinct]
283
00:13:57,240 --> 00:14:00,280
Get some bucky or you'll end up
in a ditch you tough...
284
00:14:00,280 --> 00:14:04,680
Okay, is that Scottish for,
"Yes, please, with croutons?"
285
00:14:04,680 --> 00:14:06,680
[dog barks]
286
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,800
Oi, don't you be
tellin me what to do!
287
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,280
You're not the boss me ya...
dog.
288
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:14,840
Oh, a lovely doggie.
What's his name?
289
00:14:14,840 --> 00:14:16,240
Um...
290
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:22,480
"If found please
call 020..." Numbers!
291
00:14:22,480 --> 00:14:24,520
What an odd name
to give a dog.
292
00:14:24,520 --> 00:14:28,240
No, no he's not mine.
I stole him off some nuptie
headed bastard who tried
293
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,440
to give me
a doin' in the street.
294
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:30,800
How awful.
295
00:14:30,800 --> 00:14:33,240
Aye, he came with a stick!
296
00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:34,680
Eh, but I got it off him.
297
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:36,800
'Cause no one messes with Boney.
298
00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:40,160
I'll sell it to youse
if you like. Huh? No.
299
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:41,960
Got these and all.
300
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,920
Brand new like.
301
00:14:43,920 --> 00:14:45,840
[Rem Dogg]
Sir!
302
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:52,440
Aren't tramps lovely?
303
00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,000
[Christmas music]
304
00:14:54,000 --> 00:14:56,800
♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
305
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:59,800
♪ And the lights
on the Christmas tree ♪
306
00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,560
Sir, what sort of
donkey do you want?
307
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,640
-A boy or girl?
-Just whatever looks cutest.
308
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:09,400
"But, Robo-cracker,
how can we cure AIDS
with no music to dance to?"
309
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,880
"Never fear, Frank,
because I happen to be
best friends with Bono!"
310
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,720
And then you hug him.
311
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:18,120
I ain't hugging any blokes.
312
00:15:18,120 --> 00:15:22,920
Lads, can I give you
a wee bit of advice?
313
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:25,240
Think of yourselves as
blank canvases onto which
314
00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:27,400
your characters
motivations are projected.
315
00:15:27,400 --> 00:15:29,160
You get what I'm saying?
316
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:31,480
Sorry, what do you
know about drama?
317
00:15:31,480 --> 00:15:33,720
What don't I know about
drama you, ya jobby jabber!
318
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,680
Okay, maybe not
looking at me, right,
319
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,720
but I have always
been a dirty Jake!
320
00:15:37,720 --> 00:15:42,200
See, back in the day,
I was one of the most famous
actors in my generation.
321
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:44,480
-Really?
-You name it, I've done it.
322
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:46,200
Corporate videos,
part in Taggart,
323
00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:50,600
even done a run at the RSC,
and then the work dried up,
324
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:54,880
worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
325
00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,760
I can only imagine
what that is.
326
00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:00,800
Aye, I hit the bucky,
I hit the wife.
327
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,640
I hit the streets, living rough,
328
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:05,800
begging for booze money,
and then aye,
329
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,720
then things got really bad.
330
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:09,880
Did you get into heroin?
331
00:16:09,880 --> 00:16:11,920
I got into Hollyoaks.
332
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,400
-Ah, Mrs. Hegarty.
-Hi.
333
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,800
Ah, Mr. Bonehead,
so pleased you could make it.
334
00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:26,920
Where's the bar?
I need a drink.
335
00:16:26,920 --> 00:16:30,800
-Who invited those guys?
-I did.
336
00:16:30,800 --> 00:16:32,240
I thought you'd like it.
337
00:16:32,240 --> 00:16:35,800
I get that they're homeless
right, but they could
338
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:36,520
have made a bit of effort.
339
00:16:36,520 --> 00:16:39,560
That guy over there's
not even got any shoes on.
340
00:16:39,560 --> 00:16:42,000
Now, this is what
I'm talking about.
341
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:44,760
A tramp that's made a
little bit of bloody effort.
342
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:48,800
Yeah, sure you've kept
the old clunge sponge,
343
00:16:48,800 --> 00:16:51,000
but at least you've
found yourself a suit!
344
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,320
[sniffs]
You've had a wash.
345
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,120
And... you're a governor.
346
00:16:56,120 --> 00:17:00,240
Mr. Hardside,
I've just remembered now,
347
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,720
I'm awfully sorry, I hope
you have a wonderful evening.
348
00:17:08,520 --> 00:17:10,120
Mrs. Wickers is at Gatwick.
349
00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,880
How are we going to
explain her son's
350
00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:13,880
sudden recovery from
a ten-car pileup?
351
00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:18,360
Our options are A,
Christmas miracle or
two, actually maim Alf.
352
00:17:18,360 --> 00:17:19,760
No, I'm one step
ahead of you, sir.
353
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,400
Me dad's got a load
of these left over
354
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:23,480
from making whiplash claims.
He's saving up for a car.
355
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:25,800
Brill cream!
Mr. Wickers, go!
356
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,240
[clears throat]
357
00:17:27,240 --> 00:17:28,400
We need to get
everyone inside.
358
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:29,880
Alf, quickly,
you need to put this on.
359
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,280
Elf n' safety, get it?
360
00:17:33,280 --> 00:17:36,400
But, seriously, narrators can
get hurt doing all that reading.
361
00:17:38,720 --> 00:17:40,320
[groans]
362
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:49,720
God bless, mazel tov,
Allahu Akbar.
363
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:53,200
[harmonizing]
364
00:17:55,760 --> 00:18:00,400
Little bit of housekeeping,
this school does have
toilet facilities.
365
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:02,520
That one was mainly aimed at
the gentleman at the back.
366
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,120
I can see you.
367
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,360
[speaks indistinct]
368
00:18:06,360 --> 00:18:08,680
And a very merry
Christmas to you, sir.
369
00:18:08,680 --> 00:18:11,720
Over to you, Mr. Wickers.
Drop it like it's hot.
370
00:18:14,240 --> 00:18:15,760
[clears throat]
371
00:18:15,760 --> 00:18:18,120
It was the night
before Christmas
372
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:22,840
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
373
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,520
not even a mouse.
374
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:26,400
[Grayson]
Oh, get off me you bell end!
375
00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:31,320
[Alfie] Our hero is Frank,
a ten-year-old boy.
376
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,240
[whispering] Why aren't you
wearing your costume?
377
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,880
[whispering]
I'm wearing tights, man.
378
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:38,960
Frank's parents are poor.
379
00:18:38,960 --> 00:18:44,840
No presents today, unless...
Hark! What is this?
380
00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:48,640
It is Santa
with reindeer and sleigh?
381
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:51,360
Ho-ho-ho!
382
00:18:51,360 --> 00:18:54,440
"I'll fetch Frank's presents,"
Santa did say.
383
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,760
As he stroked on his beard
and got out of his sleigh.
384
00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:01,320
[whispering]
I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead.
385
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:06,680
As one of his reindeer
went to fetch the present
386
00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:09,160
whilst Santa stayed
put in his sleigh.
387
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:10,880
[Stephen] Let me out.
I can't breathe!
388
00:19:10,880 --> 00:19:16,600
Day turned to night
and then night turned to day.
389
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:19,160
Why did I bother
getting out of bed?
390
00:19:19,160 --> 00:19:22,120
Frank did say, very loudly.
391
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,800
-[Stephen] Let me out!
-What's this shite!
392
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,280
What did you say?
393
00:19:27,320 --> 00:19:30,960
But under the tree.
What's this that Frank spies?
394
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:32,920
It's Robo-cracker.
395
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,960
Frank can't believe his eyes!
396
00:19:34,960 --> 00:19:37,400
Let me out!
[screams]
397
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,400
-[crowd gasps]
-Are you alright?
398
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:42,400
I couldn't
breathe in that box.
399
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,880
[Alfie] Frank makes a wish
that Santa does hear.
400
00:19:45,880 --> 00:19:50,640
Make this doll come to life
and I'll stop drinking beer...
401
00:19:50,640 --> 00:19:54,720
behind the bike sheds,
and being a massive bully
402
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:58,840
and constantly going on
about how one of his teachers
got bummed at boarding school.
403
00:19:58,840 --> 00:20:01,120
FYI, the only person
that's ever touched my bum
404
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:03,840
is my friend, Atticus Hoye,
like once when we were
405
00:20:03,840 --> 00:20:06,240
at the Eden Project,
this one time.
406
00:20:06,880 --> 00:20:08,400
[Mitchell]
Gay!
407
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:11,400
Mitchell, you can't
heckle your own show.
408
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:14,600
Frank and his friend
set out on a quest.
409
00:20:14,600 --> 00:20:19,560
Until they'd help everyone,
they would not rest.
410
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,480
Who wrote this shite?
411
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,160
I've seem jobbies come
out of my arse with
412
00:20:23,160 --> 00:20:24,840
better structure than this.
413
00:20:24,840 --> 00:20:26,800
[crowd murmuring]
414
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,840
[classical music plays]
415
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:29,000
[screams]
416
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,840
Jing this is my solo!
417
00:20:31,840 --> 00:20:33,880
I can't see
in this stupid helmet!
418
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,120
[crowd gasps]
419
00:20:35,120 --> 00:20:36,760
This is so unprofessional.
420
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:37,880
[Alfie] Pull your trousers up!
421
00:20:37,880 --> 00:20:39,520
Get... Get off!
422
00:20:39,520 --> 00:20:40,920
Mitchell, stop it!
423
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,920
Get off, you idiot.
424
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:46,920
Interval!
425
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:52,240
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem:
426
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,600
I called shotgun on the
Holy Land, you wanktard.
427
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:55,640
[Rem Dogg] Do one!
428
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,800
Jerusalem is mine,
you Jap's eye!
429
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:58,400
I'm gonna pin you
down and tea bag ya.
430
00:20:58,400 --> 00:20:59,400
Come on, get your balls in here.
431
00:20:59,400 --> 00:21:01,240
Not even in the script.
432
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:06,280
But here comes Robo-cracker.
He has an idea
of a neutral shared city
433
00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:12,720
in a two state solution,
which he will explain through
the medium of expressive dance.
434
00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:17,000
[pop song plays]
435
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:22,440
That's right, it's now time
for the toler-ance dance.
436
00:21:22,440 --> 00:21:25,840
♪ We can make our lives
a little better ♪
437
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:30,760
♪ If we all would just
get along ♪
438
00:21:30,760 --> 00:21:35,600
♪ We can build ourselves
a better future ♪
439
00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:40,120
-♪ Together we're so strong ♪
- ♪ We're so strong ♪
440
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:44,720
♪ 'Cause we can
make a difference ♪
441
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:50,720
♪ If we come together as one ♪
442
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:55,200
Yeah, Robo-cracker
brings everyone together.
443
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:56,720
It's a miracle!
444
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:58,760
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
445
00:22:05,840 --> 00:22:07,560
It's a miracle.
446
00:22:16,560 --> 00:22:20,000
They've put an end
to heartache and loss,
447
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:25,480
but now our brave pair
must take on the boss.
448
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,480
I'll get you Robo-cracker!
449
00:22:28,480 --> 00:22:31,400
No, you shant
for I am a real boy!
450
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:42,240
-[explosion]
-[crowd gasps]
451
00:22:42,240 --> 00:22:43,800
[screams]
452
00:22:46,640 --> 00:22:49,400
[slow piano music]
453
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:54,800
Where is my Romeo?
454
00:22:54,800 --> 00:22:58,000
Poison, I see,
hath been his timeless end.
455
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:05,520
I will kiss thy lips;
happily some poison yet
doth hang on them.
456
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,600
Thy lips are warm.
457
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:14,720
Let me die!
458
00:23:14,720 --> 00:23:16,840
[Alfie]
Alas there's no hope,
459
00:23:16,840 --> 00:23:19,480
no treatment, no drug,
460
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:22,400
as Robo's life fades away,
461
00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:25,320
Frank bids adieu with a hug.
462
00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,560
Hug, in the script it says hug.
463
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:37,160
[coughs]
464
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:39,000
But what's this?
465
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:43,320
Robo-cracker has been
reincarnated and finally
466
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:45,880
he's a real boy!
467
00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,440
The end!
468
00:23:48,440 --> 00:23:51,000
[applause]
469
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,520
Come on, you lot.
Out you get.
470
00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:15,520
Haven't you got homes to go to?
471
00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:22,360
Well done.
472
00:24:22,360 --> 00:24:23,960
Oh, thank you.
473
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:26,520
Fair dues...
474
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,280
Your narrative arc
was engaging,
475
00:24:28,280 --> 00:24:31,480
but the pleasurable
representations
don't need depend
476
00:24:31,480 --> 00:24:33,160
on the likeness of the thing
that they are portraying.
477
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,240
You know what I mean,
ya minging bag o' shite!
478
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:37,520
Oh, I'll bear that
in mind for next time.
479
00:24:37,520 --> 00:24:38,920
[sniffs]
480
00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:43,600
My brave little baby.
481
00:24:43,600 --> 00:24:45,000
Mommy!
482
00:24:46,360 --> 00:24:47,880
I can't believe you came.
483
00:24:47,880 --> 00:24:51,560
We came as soon as we
heard about the accident.
484
00:24:51,560 --> 00:24:52,760
The accident?
485
00:24:52,760 --> 00:24:55,720
Me, forgetting to put her invite
486
00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:59,200
in the frickin' post.
That accident!
487
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:00,320
You invited my mom?
488
00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,920
Well, it was
Mr. Mitchell's idea.
489
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:05,400
Don't go
soppy on me, Dickers.
490
00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:08,640
And Uncle Javier is here, too!
491
00:25:08,640 --> 00:25:11,560
Great, Uncle Javier,
492
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:14,200
I've really missed him.
493
00:25:16,320 --> 00:25:17,480
Oh...
494
00:25:17,480 --> 00:25:19,000
[speaks Spanish]
495
00:25:19,000 --> 00:25:22,600
Alfie, Uncle Javier
is so proud of you.
496
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:26,640
We gonna find the
men who put you in this chair,
and we gonna make them pay.
497
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:29,160
[crying]
498
00:25:29,160 --> 00:25:31,920
Can someone stop
Fernado Torres trying to bum me?
499
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:34,480
[Mrs. Wickers]
Javier, that's not Alfie.
500
00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,280
-This is.
-Hi.
501
00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:45,240
Hey, I knew it.
502
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,760
It was a little joke.
503
00:25:46,760 --> 00:25:50,400
Um, Mom, Javier.
504
00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:54,360
This is the girl I've been
telling you about, Rosie.
505
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,120
It's so nice to meet you.
506
00:25:56,120 --> 00:25:58,560
[both laughing]
507
00:26:02,520 --> 00:26:04,720
So, will you be
staying for Christmas?
508
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:10,160
We are going to stay until
little Alfie is better.
509
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:14,160
We better head to Alfie's
classroom for Christmas dinner.
510
00:26:14,160 --> 00:26:16,240
Who wants turkey?
511
00:26:18,360 --> 00:26:20,560
[all chattering]
512
00:26:24,200 --> 00:26:26,480
Did you get
the West Ham ticket?
513
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:28,800
Oh, you got me that?
514
00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,600
Do you wanna go?
515
00:26:31,600 --> 00:26:33,280
All right, yeah.
516
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,960
I mean it don't mean
nothing or like, whatever.
517
00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:39,280
You can give up
that act now, babes.
518
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,000
-Guess what I've done
with them crackers?
-What?
519
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:43,960
Swapped the jokes.
520
00:26:43,960 --> 00:26:45,520
Here's one for you.
521
00:26:45,520 --> 00:26:48,600
What do nine out
of ten people enjoy?
522
00:26:48,600 --> 00:26:50,920
Gang ra...
523
00:26:53,000 --> 00:26:55,440
Ra... [growls]
524
00:26:55,440 --> 00:26:56,760
[laughing]
525
00:26:56,760 --> 00:26:59,400
An impression of a lion.
526
00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:03,960
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
527
00:27:03,960 --> 00:27:08,360
Just gonna go down the hallway
to only use your lavatory.
528
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,320
So, thank youse.
529
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:19,160
Bonehead's got
his life back on track.
530
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:21,800
Your play really helped him.
531
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,680
I just think it's great
that we've been able
532
00:27:23,680 --> 00:27:25,520
to show him the bigger picture.
533
00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:30,800
Oh, I got you a tiny,
silly, little present thing.
534
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:33,720
[whispering]
Mitchell, how's that
donkey coming along?
535
00:27:33,720 --> 00:27:35,760
It's arrived from
Romania about an hour ago.
536
00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,920
-Oh, amazing.
-Have you got the certificate?
537
00:27:37,920 --> 00:27:39,480
What certificate?
538
00:27:39,480 --> 00:27:42,600
Right, here's half the donkey.
539
00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,800
The rest I gave the kitchens.
540
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,400
I figured you
couldn't eat it all.
541
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:49,840
Alfredo, this meat is lovely!
542
00:27:49,840 --> 00:27:52,400
It's so bloody moist!
543
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:53,640
[soft chuckle]
544
00:27:59,520 --> 00:28:00,520
[gasps]
545
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:04,280
Bu... Buble!
546
00:28:04,280 --> 00:28:07,120
Does this mean we can listen to
it every day until Christmas?
547
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:11,280
I guess I must
really love you.
548
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,000
[Christmas music]
549
00:28:14,000 --> 00:28:17,360
♪ The most magical time ♪
550
00:28:17,360 --> 00:28:21,800
♪ Of the year ♪
551
00:28:23,840 --> 00:28:25,440
Sir's got a boner!
552
00:28:25,440 --> 00:28:27,400
[laughing]
553
00:28:27,400 --> 00:28:29,000
[Alfie] Mitchell!