[upbeat music]
Every year I explain to Miss Pickwell,
that the Nativity is about Jesus being born, not him being beaten,
whipped and crucified in real time.
Yeah, she also went a little bit heavy with the Jew bashing.
Pro Green was a shoe in to replace her, but she's, um...
On honeymoon with my dad. Yes, I know.
I'm trying not to think about it.
My point is there will be no Xmas play
unless you step up to the plate.
Okay, Fraser, I'll tell you
why I'm not going to do the play.
I was like everyone else;
when I was growing up, nativities were the highlight of
my Christmas, and then,
one year, I got the best part I ever got.
Joseph?
Mole two.
Were there moles in the manger?
Uh, yes.
My mom promised that she'd come and watch me.
And I went out on stage, but do you know what I saw?
Nothing, moles are blind.
No.
My mom's empty chair, and that poor little mole
just wanted to burrow down into the ground and disappear.
But, look, you don't have to do a Nativity.
It's time for a non-denominational show.
Give a shout out to all de religion!
Hey, but don't forget mine.
I'm a Belieber.
[groans]
Yeah, well I'm a Bel-atheist.
Actually, technically, I think I'd be Belignositic.
I mean, I'd slag him off but if he walked in the door now I'd be all over him like a rash.
Woo hoo! Banter Claus just pulled a big one from his gag sack.
Kill me.
Hey, you've gotten get Stephen involved.
That guy knows how to put on a show.
Remember his one-man Precious?
[dramatic music]
[wailing]
Superb, Fiddler on the Heath?
[funky music]
[chuckles]
Barnstorming, and that biopic of Cheryl Cole.
[sassy music]
[applause]
Libelous.
Anyhoo. Question: remember how you sent
your end of term reports via text?
Yeah, one of my best ideas ever.
Yeah, well the school governors don't seem to think so.
[coughs] Dicks.
They're quite keen for me to fire you,
but you put on this play, and I'll save your heiney
by throwing this ass in front of the governor's spanking hand.
Alright, I'll do your shitty little play,
but just so you know, I hate Christmas shows.
We have done some perfectly good stuff earlier in the year,
and now we have to ruin it by cobbling together
some under-thought through festive bollocks with
a load of shit Christmas music.
[Christmas music]
♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
♪ And the lights on the Christmas tree ♪
♪ Yeah, and Rudolph knows with his big red nose ♪
♪ He's keepin' Santa company ♪
♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
[laughing]
♪ I feel the magic in the air ♪
♪ It's the greatest time... ♪
Who got me a ticket to West Ham?
I'm Millwall 'til I die.
Okay, so, six of you have voted for the Nutcracker,
and five of you have voted for Robocop.
So we're doing the Nutcracker.
No, someone's changed their tune on democracy,
but you're forgetting Jing, I also get a vote.
So what are we going to do?
Got it.
That's our play.
Robo-cracker?
Does that exist?
Not yet, my friend. Not yet.
Oh, God, we've read your scripts before.
What do you mean, "Oh, God?"
You don't really do subtlety, do you?
Uh, subtlety can lick my balls
and then eat a plate of my ass for dessert.
I'll just go on Wikipedia, bosh out a plot mash up.
That's not going to work.
Uh, yes, it will. What's the best film of the last 20 years?
-Saw IV. -Saw V.
-Hunger Games. -Meet the Fockers.
-Lolita. -[in Chinese] The Mood For Love by Wong Kar Wai.
Mm... Rush Hour's a good shout, Jing, but the correct answer is
Alien Vs. Predator, a plot mash up.
Mate, if my dad finds out I've been on stage, he'll cut me out the will.
So you won't have to inherit his shitty track suits.
That makes two of us. You won't be getting your mom's clothes
'cause they're all over my bedroom floor. [laughing]
Guys, stop being mean about each others' families.
Your parents are all so supportive of you.
You might not realize it now, but you won't appreciate
how much they love you until your mom's gone...
to live in Spain with Javier and their children.
Gay!
[chuckles]
Come on, sir. You write your masterpiece,
I'll help you organize auditions.
Thanks, Jing. Oh, and I forgot to say,
we have to give a shout out to all the religions; Christianity, Buddhism, Islam.
-What's China, Jing? -Predominately atheists.
So you don't get to do Christmas?
That seems a bit unfair considering you make all the toys.
That's like the Elves not having it.
Did you just compare--?
Oh, the subject of presents,
Mitchell, how is Miss Gulliver's?
Yeah, Dad's sorted it.
One of his mates owns a donkey sanctuary.
You're buying Miss Gulliver a donkey?
Adopting her a donkey. You know, she loves animals.
And they're a lot cheaper than snow leopards.
[bell rings]
Okay, spread the word, castings at break.
So pick your own audition pieces and choose them wisely.
Okay, Stephen, what scene from Flashdance are you doing today?
-All of it. -All of it?
-You've only got a minute. -Just shut up and press play.
[upbeat music]
-And who are you? -Professor Xavier.
X-men, innit.
I can read your mind, bruv.
[scoffs] Yeah, sure.
What am I thinking now?
Tits.
[scoffs] Tits.
[whispering] How does he do it?
So, Chantelle, where have you taken your scene from?
Basic Instinct.
Basic Instinct?
Oh, my God. Do not move your legs!
Obviously, you're in the play. That was amazing. Sorted.
-We still only have one good actor. -Yeah, that's all you need.
One good one, then you don't realize how terrible
the other ones actually are.
-It's like the Kardashians. -Really?
Yeah, as a triptych, fit.
But you take Kim out of the equation... [groans]
Kourtney suddenly looks like she should be
sat underneath a bridge that she guards, eating goats.
Now, look, Frank, there's no need to take the piss.
I've come to audition, innit.
Your dance was like good and shit.
Oh, thanks, babes.
Oh, whatever, man, I ain't bothered.
Well, okay, um, in your own time.
This is gonna be perfect, Jing.
He'll be like Plan B, all moody but with an amazing
talent hidden between the urban, slightly stabby facade.
Where is my Romeo? What's here?
A cup, closed in my love's true hand?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
[whispering] He sounds like he's taking a shit.
I will kiss thy lips.
Okay, right, good.
Um... so, let's start with the positives.
Volume, it was very loud.
I heard every word
as I think did the whole of Hertfordshire.
So, what part am I gonna play?
Um, unfortunately, Frank,
there are a lot of really great actors out there.
-What part? -I'm afraid, there isn't a role for you.
-What part? -The lead?
-What? -The co-lead.
[speaking Chinese]
Yes, like in Rush Hour.
Whew, thanks, Jing, nice save.
-You all right, sir? -I'm snow-k, you?
Yeah, not too bad. Yours-elf?
Oh, Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen, and Banter!
Can I get Mr. Wickers mom's number please, sir?
-It's on the toilet wall. -Yeah, I tried that one.
It weren't real.
Sorry, why do you want it?
I'm arranging Mr. Wickers a nice surprise.
-Genuinely nice? -Yeah, it's Christmas.
I want to invite her to Mr. Wicker's play.
Wow, do you know what, hustler,
I think I am going to drop that goodwill pill you just scored me.
Although, Alfie's not seen her in years.
You gotta convince her then. Make something up.
Righto.
Hello, is that Mrs. Wickers?
Sorry, currently Mrs. Garcia-Ramirez?
Yes, it's Mr. Fraser here.
Alfie's...
been in a horrific car crash.
Okay, so this is Robo-cracker.
In a world without hope, lived an angry,
maladjusted delinquent boy.
That is you, Frank.
Frank wakes up Christmas morning, finds beneath the tree
a doll, it's Robo-cracker.
That's you, Stephen.
Christmas miracle, Robo-cracker's alive!
And him and the delinquent boy set about to bring peace to the world.
Sprinkle in a couple of explosions,
throw in a sex scene, bish bash bosh, who smells BAFTA?
You can't win a BAFTA for a theater show.
All the parts are cast, except for the role
of the villain, North Korean despot, Kim Jong Un.
Oh, who, oh, who, could play that part?
You want me to play an overweight, middle aged, North Korean man?
Uh, no, Jing, we're not talking about a lazy stereotype here.
We are talking about a three-dimensional, very rounded character,
a very rounded sort of chubby, oddball, loner.
Just give me the script.
Joe, you are going to make a brilliant not so Lil' Kim.
How is Kim Jong Un in Robo-cracker?
Uh, because Kim Jong Un wants to capture
Robo-cracker so that he can use his robotic heart
to power a missile that can destroy the world.
Only when he gets hold of the heart he realizes it's not robotic.
It's actually the heart of a real boy instead.
It's actually very obvious if you think about it, Jing.
Thank you, sir. It's beautiful.
Why can't we just do Shakespeare?
For the same reason that I don't watch
Question Time, because it's boring,
confusing, and the audience laugh at a load of jokes
that no normal person would ever understand.
So, how do we create a loyal, trusting, happy environment?
Everyone get naked?
No, what we do is we all lie on the floor,
and then take turns to roll over each other.
Pick a partner.
[exhales]
I'll take Joe.
When you're ready, just over you go.
Nearly there, big guy.
Oh, my back.
[grunting]
-Rem Dogg! -It is my go, sir?
-No, no. -Trust me, sir.
Where are you going? Trust me!
Hello!
We were just doing a trust exercise.
Right.
Um, I was wondering who's coming on our special
outing this evening?
Shit, sorry, I forgot to ask.
Um, guys, do any of you want to go with Miss Gulliver--
-And Mr. Wickers. -And me...
to a lovely, trampy soup kitchen?
I ain't goin' tramp-wanking.
There's no wanking involved, Mitchell.
Is there?
Why would we wank off tramps?
To keep them warm?
Does anyone want to volunteer?
The thing is, Rosie, um, we're kind of doing this play,
so we don't really have much spare time.
Plus, I don't speak Scottish, so me and tramps don't really...
Alfie, I am going to make you stick to your promise.
Well, I'm sorry, I have to do this play.
I need to get the governors back on board.
So, I'm afraid on this occasion I... [stamps foot]
am putting my foot down.
[sighs] [Christmas music]
[muttering]
Isn't this fun?
Aren't you glad I made you come?
Yeah.
Get me some bucky, pal.
Bucky?
It's alcohol. [chuckles]
Yeah, I'm afraid we only serve soup in this soup kitchen.
[speaks indistinct]
Get some bucky or you'll end up in a ditch you tough...
Okay, is that Scottish for, "Yes, please, with croutons?"
[dog barks]
Oi, don't you be tellin me what to do!
You're not the boss me ya... dog.
Oh, a lovely doggie. What's his name?
Um...
"If found please call 020..." Numbers!
What an odd name to give a dog.
No, no he's not mine. I stole him off some nuptie headed bastard who tried
to give me a doin' in the street.
How awful.
Aye, he came with a stick!
Eh, but I got it off him.
'Cause no one messes with Boney.
I'll sell it to youse if you like. Huh? No.
Got these and all.
Brand new like.
[Rem Dogg] Sir!
Aren't tramps lovely?
[Christmas music]
♪ I can't wait for Christmas ♪
♪ And the lights on the Christmas tree ♪
Sir, what sort of donkey do you want?
-A boy or girl? -Just whatever looks cutest.
"But, Robo-cracker, how can we cure AIDS with no music to dance to?"
"Never fear, Frank, because I happen to be best friends with Bono!"
And then you hug him.
I ain't hugging any blokes.
Lads, can I give you a wee bit of advice?
Think of yourselves as blank canvases onto which
your characters motivations are projected.
You get what I'm saying?
Sorry, what do you know about drama?
What don't I know about drama you, ya jobby jabber!
Okay, maybe not looking at me, right,
but I have always been a dirty Jake!
See, back in the day, I was one of the most famous actors in my generation.
-Really? -You name it, I've done it.
Corporate videos, part in Taggart,
even done a run at the RSC, and then the work dried up,
worse than a swamp donkey's fud.
I can only imagine what that is.
Aye, I hit the bucky, I hit the wife.
I hit the streets, living rough,
begging for booze money, and then aye,
then things got really bad.
Did you get into heroin?
I got into Hollyoaks.
-Ah, Mrs. Hegarty. -Hi.
Ah, Mr. Bonehead, so pleased you could make it.
Where's the bar? I need a drink.
-Who invited those guys? -I did.
I thought you'd like it.
I get that they're homeless right, but they could
have made a bit of effort.
That guy over there's not even got any shoes on.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
A tramp that's made a little bit of bloody effort.
Yeah, sure you've kept the old clunge sponge,
but at least you've found yourself a suit!
[sniffs] You've had a wash.
And... you're a governor.
Mr. Hardside, I've just remembered now,
I'm awfully sorry, I hope you have a wonderful evening.
Mrs. Wickers is at Gatwick.
How are we going to explain her son's
sudden recovery from a ten-car pileup?
Our options are A, Christmas miracle or two, actually maim Alf.
No, I'm one step ahead of you, sir.
Me dad's got a load of these left over
from making whiplash claims. He's saving up for a car.
Brill cream! Mr. Wickers, go!
[clears throat]
We need to get everyone inside.
Alf, quickly, you need to put this on.
Elf n' safety, get it?
But, seriously, narrators can get hurt doing all that reading.
[groans]
God bless, mazel tov, Allahu Akbar.
[harmonizing]
Little bit of housekeeping, this school does have toilet facilities.
That one was mainly aimed at the gentleman at the back.
I can see you.
[speaks indistinct]
And a very merry Christmas to you, sir.
Over to you, Mr. Wickers. Drop it like it's hot.
[clears throat]
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the house, not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
[Grayson] Oh, get off me you bell end!
[Alfie] Our hero is Frank, a ten-year-old boy.
[whispering] Why aren't you wearing your costume?
[whispering] I'm wearing tights, man.
Frank's parents are poor.
No presents today, unless... Hark! What is this?
It is Santa with reindeer and sleigh?
Ho-ho-ho!
"I'll fetch Frank's presents," Santa did say.
As he stroked on his beard and got out of his sleigh.
[whispering] I'm in a wheelchair, dickhead.
As one of his reindeer went to fetch the present
whilst Santa stayed put in his sleigh.
[Stephen] Let me out. I can't breathe!
Day turned to night and then night turned to day.
Why did I bother getting out of bed?
Frank did say, very loudly.
-[Stephen] Let me out! -What's this shite!
What did you say?
But under the tree. What's this that Frank spies?
It's Robo-cracker.
Frank can't believe his eyes!
Let me out! [screams]
-[crowd gasps] -Are you alright?
I couldn't breathe in that box.
[Alfie] Frank makes a wish that Santa does hear.
Make this doll come to life and I'll stop drinking beer...
behind the bike sheds, and being a massive bully
and constantly going on about how one of his teachers got bummed at boarding school.
FYI, the only person that's ever touched my bum
is my friend, Atticus Hoye, like once when we were
at the Eden Project, this one time.
[Mitchell] Gay!
Mitchell, you can't heckle your own show.
Frank and his friend set out on a quest.
Until they'd help everyone, they would not rest.
Who wrote this shite?
I've seem jobbies come out of my arse with
better structure than this.
[crowd murmuring]
[classical music plays]
[screams]
Jing this is my solo!
I can't see in this stupid helmet!
[crowd gasps]
This is so unprofessional.
[Alfie] Pull your trousers up!
Get... Get off!
Mitchell, stop it!
Get off, you idiot.
Interval!
Meanwhile, in Jerusalem:
I called shotgun on the Holy Land, you wanktard.
[Rem Dogg] Do one!
Jerusalem is mine, you Jap's eye!
I'm gonna pin you down and tea bag ya.
Come on, get your balls in here.
Not even in the script.
But here comes Robo-cracker. He has an idea of a neutral shared city
in a two state solution, which he will explain through the medium of expressive dance.
[pop song plays]
That's right, it's now time for the toler-ance dance.
♪ We can make our lives a little better ♪
♪ If we all would just get along ♪
♪ We can build ourselves a better future ♪
-♪ Together we're so strong ♪ - ♪ We're so strong ♪
♪ 'Cause we can make a difference ♪
♪ If we come together as one ♪
Yeah, Robo-cracker brings everyone together.
It's a miracle!
Ah, it's in my bloody eye.
It's a miracle.
They've put an end to heartache and loss,
but now our brave pair must take on the boss.
I'll get you Robo-cracker!
No, you shant for I am a real boy!
-[explosion] -[crowd gasps]
[screams]
[slow piano music]
Where is my Romeo?
Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end.
I will kiss thy lips; happily some poison yet doth hang on them.
Thy lips are warm.
Let me die!
[Alfie] Alas there's no hope,
no treatment, no drug,
as Robo's life fades away,
Frank bids adieu with a hug.
Hug, in the script it says hug.
[coughs]
But what's this?
Robo-cracker has been reincarnated and finally
he's a real boy!
The end!
[applause]
Come on, you lot. Out you get.
Haven't you got homes to go to?
Well done.
Oh, thank you.
Fair dues...
Your narrative arc was engaging,
but the pleasurable representations don't need depend
on the likeness of the thing that they are portraying.
You know what I mean, ya minging bag o' shite!
Oh, I'll bear that in mind for next time.
[sniffs]
My brave little baby.
Mommy!
I can't believe you came.
We came as soon as we heard about the accident.
The accident?
Me, forgetting to put her invite
in the frickin' post. That accident!
You invited my mom?
Well, it was Mr. Mitchell's idea.
Don't go soppy on me, Dickers.
And Uncle Javier is here, too!
Great, Uncle Javier,
I've really missed him.
Oh...
[speaks Spanish]
Alfie, Uncle Javier is so proud of you.
We gonna find the men who put you in this chair, and we gonna make them pay.
[crying]
Can someone stop Fernado Torres trying to bum me?
[Mrs. Wickers] Javier, that's not Alfie.
-This is. -Hi.
Hey, I knew it.
It was a little joke.
Um, Mom, Javier.
This is the girl I've been telling you about, Rosie.
It's so nice to meet you.
[both laughing]
So, will you be staying for Christmas?
We are going to stay until little Alfie is better.
We better head to Alfie's classroom for Christmas dinner.
Who wants turkey?
[all chattering]
Did you get the West Ham ticket?
Oh, you got me that?
Do you wanna go?
All right, yeah.
I mean it don't mean nothing or like, whatever.
You can give up that act now, babes.
-Guess what I've done with them crackers? -What?
Swapped the jokes.
Here's one for you.
What do nine out of ten people enjoy?
Gang ra...
Ra... [growls]
[laughing]
An impression of a lion.
Excuse me, ladies and gents.
Just gonna go down the hallway to only use your lavatory.
So, thank youse.
Bonehead's got his life back on track.
Your play really helped him.
I just think it's great that we've been able
to show him the bigger picture.
Oh, I got you a tiny, silly, little present thing.
[whispering] Mitchell, how's that donkey coming along?
It's arrived from Romania about an hour ago.
-Oh, amazing. -Have you got the certificate?
What certificate?
Right, here's half the donkey.
The rest I gave the kitchens.
I figured you couldn't eat it all.
Alfredo, this meat is lovely!
It's so bloody moist!
[soft chuckle]
[gasps]
Bu... Buble!
Does this mean we can listen to it every day until Christmas?
I guess I must really love you.
[Christmas music]
♪ The most magical time ♪
♪ Of the year ♪
Sir's got a boner!
[laughing]
[Alfie] Mitchell!