1 00:00:09,200 --> 00:00:12,400 ♪ Tell me that you'll wait for me ♪ 2 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:18,280 ♪ Hold me like you'll never let me go ♪ 3 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:19,600 Come on, Smoocher, you know this one. 4 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,800 ♪ I'm leaving on a jet plane ♪ 5 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:24,960 Oh, Martin, can you go via Boots? 6 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:26,560 I need to get some clean tights. 7 00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:27,760 Good idea. 8 00:00:27,760 --> 00:00:29,240 Oh, while you're there, you might like 9 00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:32,880 to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-M-S. 10 00:00:32,880 --> 00:00:36,880 - Oh, O-K. - Dad, I can spell. 11 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,120 [gasps] 12 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:41,960 [upbeat music] 13 00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:13,240 [laughs] I love that guy. 14 00:01:15,840 --> 00:01:18,800 Who was that randomer? 15 00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,600 Our fairy godfather, you know how we are in 16 00:01:21,600 --> 00:01:25,000 uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io? 17 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,000 - No? - Well, I managed to turn 18 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:32,120 - our remaining 20 grand in to a cool two million. - Go on. 19 00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:37,240 That randomer is Dr. Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo. 20 00:01:38,400 --> 00:01:40,520 The Nigerian Minister of Finance. 21 00:01:40,520 --> 00:01:41,840 Oh, God. 22 00:01:41,840 --> 00:01:43,800 He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase 23 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,400 of a contested oil field in rural Nigeria, 24 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:48,800 and some medicines for his mother. 25 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,720 He promised returns of up to one thousand percent. 26 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,800 Oh, shit. 27 00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:55,520 That's Fr-Asda price. 28 00:01:56,840 --> 00:01:58,000 Yes. 29 00:02:04,160 --> 00:02:06,720 Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee. 30 00:02:06,720 --> 00:02:11,000 - I hope no one minds. I was up all night. - Oh, God. 31 00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:12,600 Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record, 32 00:02:12,600 --> 00:02:15,560 but who's to say Dr. Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good? 33 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:18,200 The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin, 34 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,560 made out to "the big bank in the town." 35 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,840 He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax at Bank School. 36 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:27,120 - Bank School? Amazing. - Oh Betty Swallocks! 37 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:29,120 So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money. 38 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,000 It's not the end of the world. 39 00:02:31,000 --> 00:02:34,400 Not so, we have to prove our solvency by Wednesday 40 00:02:34,400 --> 00:02:37,240 otherwise Abbey Grove faces closure by default. 41 00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:40,600 Well, let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser? 42 00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:41,760 Oh, that is a good idea. 43 00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:44,200 We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher. 44 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,240 Don't call me that! 45 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:47,840 And have you got any bright ideas? 46 00:02:47,840 --> 00:02:51,440 A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours? 47 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:54,640 Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one. [laughs] 48 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,640 Somebody broke the latch with his teeth. 49 00:02:56,640 --> 00:02:58,400 For Christ's sake. 50 00:02:58,400 --> 00:02:59,800 [growls] 51 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:01,600 Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family. 52 00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:03,120 This one's hung like a horse. 53 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:05,800 - [groans] - [both] A sea horse. 54 00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:08,800 - Oh, double act, Bant and Dec. - Kill me. 55 00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:10,280 Hey, I've got a fun and really funky idea! 56 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,120 Why don't all the staff take pay cuts? 57 00:03:13,120 --> 00:03:16,160 I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable. 58 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:21,720 Martin and I are saving up for ...something. 59 00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:24,000 Chemical castration, chemical castration. 60 00:03:24,000 --> 00:03:27,800 The solution to the school's problem is austerity. 61 00:03:27,800 --> 00:03:29,800 To keep the current salary structure in place, 62 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,160 we must make swinging cuts. 63 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,800 You may've noticed Mrs. Westurby's absence. 64 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,320 Mrs. Westurby? 65 00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:42,520 Has she got a mole, smells of biscuits, can't have children? 66 00:03:42,520 --> 00:03:44,480 Baron von Westurby. 67 00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:49,760 No, that's Mrs. Vanderby, Baron Vanderby. 68 00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,680 I can stop saying baron now. 69 00:03:54,520 --> 00:03:57,680 Alfie, could you cover Mrs. Westurby's biology class? 70 00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,600 I can barely teach history. 71 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:03,880 [groans] Fine, how are you gonna be helping? 72 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:05,480 I'm going to shut down the library. 73 00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:06,760 [scoffs] 74 00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,360 I've got it. 75 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:10,560 The art block, they've got a Henry Moore! 76 00:04:10,560 --> 00:04:12,800 That must be worth loads. We could sell it. 77 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:14,320 Had... 78 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:18,320 They had a Henry Moore. 79 00:04:18,320 --> 00:04:20,480 I might of swapped it. 80 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,800 You swapped it? What for? 81 00:04:25,320 --> 00:04:28,400 [light saber zooming] 82 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:30,960 It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace. 83 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:34,520 It belonged to Senator Palpatine! 84 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:37,120 [light saber zooming] 85 00:04:43,000 --> 00:04:44,440 Why are you all wearing your coats? 86 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,160 'Cause your mum turned off the heating. 87 00:04:46,160 --> 00:04:47,800 Professor Green is not my mum. 88 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:49,600 She's banged your dad, she's your mum. 89 00:04:49,600 --> 00:04:51,360 You must have a lot of dads then. 90 00:04:51,360 --> 00:04:54,320 Sir, I'm freezing, will you share your body heat with me? 91 00:04:54,320 --> 00:04:56,320 - No. - Why's there no heating? 92 00:04:56,320 --> 00:04:58,920 If you must know, the school's having some financial problems. 93 00:04:58,920 --> 00:05:00,640 Why don't you sell your organs, sir? 94 00:05:00,640 --> 00:05:03,800 I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock. [laughs] 95 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:07,920 Guys, please, you do realize if Abbey Grove shuts down 96 00:05:07,920 --> 00:05:09,960 you'll all have to go to St. Edwards. 97 00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,520 [all gasping] 98 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,640 The only school below us on the league table! 99 00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:15,400 If I go to St. Edwards the only theater 100 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,440 I'll end up in is an operating one. 101 00:05:17,440 --> 00:05:19,800 St Edward's not that bad, babe, Dean Gaffney went there. 102 00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:21,920 Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money! 103 00:05:21,920 --> 00:05:24,440 I could do a kiss and tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing. 104 00:05:24,440 --> 00:05:27,240 Yeah, with the best will in the world Chantelle, 105 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,120 I doubt that Haroun from WH Smiths is going to sell 106 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,720 that many papers, apart from the ones that he literally sells. 107 00:05:33,720 --> 00:05:36,560 What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show? 108 00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:39,800 Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion? 109 00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:41,400 - I got one. - Thank you Rem Dogg. 110 00:05:41,400 --> 00:05:44,120 Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot. 111 00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:47,840 We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach, a grand, easy. 112 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,560 Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. 113 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:51,600 What about this? 114 00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:53,200 - [farts] - [all groaning] 115 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:54,720 Guys, can you be serious? 116 00:05:54,720 --> 00:05:56,800 Do you wanna go to another school? 117 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,400 Stephen's dad's a banker, he could help us? 118 00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:00,880 Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest. 119 00:06:00,880 --> 00:06:02,880 What about two of us going to work in a casino, 120 00:06:02,880 --> 00:06:04,600 mapping out their security procedures, 121 00:06:04,600 --> 00:06:06,480 these guys can dress up in disguises 122 00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:08,480 and earn the trust of the owner, and then Jing can do 123 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,400 some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers? 124 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:13,160 We're not going to be re-enacting the plot of Ocean's 11, Mitchell. 125 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:14,480 - Ocean's 12? - No. 126 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:15,640 Ocean's 13? 127 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:16,800 You're not really understanding 128 00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:17,920 - the problem here. - Ocean's 14. 129 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,600 It doesn't even exist. 130 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:26,000 Hey, Pro Green's got me teaching Biology. 131 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:28,560 Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought 132 00:06:28,560 --> 00:06:30,480 what does everyone love? 133 00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,760 Sea monkeys! 134 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:33,960 This isn't primary school. 135 00:06:35,400 --> 00:06:37,200 Alfie, if I tell you something, 136 00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,760 do you promise that you won't overreact? 137 00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:42,440 When have I ever overreacted? 138 00:06:42,440 --> 00:06:45,400 I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto. 139 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:48,000 [wailing] 140 00:06:53,440 --> 00:06:55,840 Why are you doing this to me? 141 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,640 [breathing heavily] 142 00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:01,640 - OK? - Yeah. 143 00:07:01,640 --> 00:07:04,200 Good. Alf, I love this school, 144 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:07,680 but I need a change in my life. 145 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:12,680 Well, grow a fringe, try Zumba, try heroin! 146 00:07:12,680 --> 00:07:14,920 But I could do some good in Soweto. 147 00:07:14,920 --> 00:07:16,560 Instead, I'm stuck here in Abbey Grove, 148 00:07:16,560 --> 00:07:20,160 lurching from disaster to disaster. 149 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:21,960 But what about us? 150 00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,480 Our will-they-won't-they is the glue 151 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:25,720 that binds this school together. 152 00:07:25,720 --> 00:07:28,320 Please don't go, Rosie, you're the only person 153 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:30,280 on the staff that I like. 154 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:34,120 You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker. 155 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,280 [chuckles] 156 00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,400 The school needs you, I need you. 157 00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:42,680 Well, I mean, I've only just applied 158 00:07:42,680 --> 00:07:45,880 so let's see what happens, yeah? 159 00:07:48,400 --> 00:07:49,440 Here you go. 160 00:07:49,440 --> 00:07:51,200 - Frogs. - Yeah. 161 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:53,160 Oh, my God, this one's not moving! 162 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:57,120 - Maybe it's asleep. - They're all dead. 163 00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,400 Your class are dissecting them. 164 00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,680 [groans] 165 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,000 Sure I can't just do Sea Monkeys? 166 00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:09,120 Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass. 167 00:08:09,120 --> 00:08:10,760 Off you go, Alfie. 168 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,600 [upbeat music] 169 00:08:23,280 --> 00:08:24,840 [knocking] 170 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:26,480 Where do you want these, Pro Green? 171 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,840 Next to the other sale items. 172 00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,800 We're putting them on the eBay. 173 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:36,240 It's eBay. 174 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,200 You can't sell our books! 175 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,280 Yeah, what are the sad, lonely kids going to read 176 00:08:40,280 --> 00:08:42,600 whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun? 177 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:44,480 Desperate times, Mr. Wickers. 178 00:08:44,480 --> 00:08:46,360 You could sell that. 179 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,160 Or let me take a hammer to it. 180 00:08:48,160 --> 00:08:50,520 Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy? 181 00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,200 Now, I need you two to prevail 182 00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:58,800 - upon the kitchen staff to work for free. - Why do we have to do that? 183 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,360 - We're all in this together. - I just think that-- 184 00:09:00,360 --> 00:09:05,800 Ah, ah... We're all in this together, that will be all. 185 00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,320 - [scoffs] - Alright, whatever. 186 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:09,800 Let's go and give Mrs. Patmore her P45. 187 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,800 Mr. Wickers... [speaking French] 188 00:09:13,000 --> 00:09:14,760 Stay behind, please? 189 00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:17,200 [groans] 190 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:21,840 Now, as you know, your father and I are courting. 191 00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:28,920 - Courting? - Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man. 192 00:09:28,920 --> 00:09:32,400 He, you and I are a little family now. 193 00:09:32,400 --> 00:09:33,160 What do you want? 194 00:09:33,160 --> 00:09:37,400 We'd like you to call me mummy. 195 00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:41,920 Is something the matter? 196 00:09:41,920 --> 00:09:48,000 I'm looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen. 197 00:09:50,800 --> 00:09:52,760 Oh, no, now I am. 198 00:09:56,440 --> 00:09:58,000 Trust me, I've got this. 199 00:09:58,000 --> 00:09:59,800 Are you sure? 200 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,360 Yeah, I'm a people person. 201 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:05,400 Yo, kitchen goblins, I'm just here to tell you how much 202 00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:09,200 of a vital part of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are. 203 00:10:09,200 --> 00:10:11,840 Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve, 204 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:17,520 and you're a bit funny-looking, but you're like Niall from One Direction. 205 00:10:17,520 --> 00:10:19,760 Without you there isn't a band. 206 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:22,960 Ahh... And we go back a bit don't we? 207 00:10:22,960 --> 00:10:26,640 This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school. 208 00:10:26,640 --> 00:10:30,280 Hey, and a dab hand with the ladies, player! 209 00:10:30,280 --> 00:10:34,320 And my mate here, Iggy Pop, this guy right, is-- 210 00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:39,800 One of the nicest women I've ever worked with. 211 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:41,200 Oh... Yup. 212 00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:48,120 And my brother from another mother, Old Little Chef. 213 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:51,360 Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home. 214 00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:54,600 But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust, 215 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:57,400 so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing 216 00:10:57,400 --> 00:11:03,640 to do yo t'ang on a sort of volunteer basis? Unpaid. 217 00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:09,680 That's cool, take five, have a think about it. 218 00:11:09,680 --> 00:11:11,280 [door slams] 219 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:13,760 I knew it, didn't I say, if there was one person 220 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:18,280 we could rely on, it's old... it's... 221 00:11:18,280 --> 00:11:19,640 Gladys. 222 00:11:19,640 --> 00:11:25,880 Gladys, Gladys, with the hearing aids. 223 00:11:25,880 --> 00:11:30,400 I remember now, she hasn't heard a word. 224 00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:33,280 It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food. 225 00:11:33,280 --> 00:11:35,480 What are we going to feed the kids now? 226 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:47,960 What's this? 227 00:11:47,960 --> 00:11:49,240 We did a whip-round, sir, 228 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:50,360 that's all our pocket money. 229 00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:52,280 Guys, I've been over this with you. 230 00:11:52,280 --> 00:11:55,480 As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again. 231 00:11:55,480 --> 00:11:58,680 No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove. 232 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,160 We know it's not much but... 233 00:12:00,160 --> 00:12:01,840 We don't want to leave, sir. 234 00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,600 Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access. 235 00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:06,640 And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team. 236 00:12:06,640 --> 00:12:08,880 It's a dump, but it's my dump. 237 00:12:08,880 --> 00:12:11,280 You know what it's like with your own brew sir. 238 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:12,520 I like the smell. 239 00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:18,400 Some beautiful words there Mitchell. 240 00:12:18,400 --> 00:12:22,640 Guys, you've been so generous, but I can't accept this. 241 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,400 There must be a better way. 242 00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:30,600 - Ocean's 15? - Really? 243 00:12:38,360 --> 00:12:41,000 - What are you doing? - Buttering the corridor. 244 00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:43,560 Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser. 245 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:46,680 Alf, listen, we just simply don't have time. 246 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:48,800 Mitchell's dad owns a funfair. 247 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:49,520 He could easily lend us some stalls. 248 00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,400 Unless I can pay them off in two days time, 249 00:12:51,400 --> 00:12:53,760 the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass. 250 00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,000 I don't really care about your ass. 251 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:56,400 I care about this school. 252 00:12:56,400 --> 00:13:00,800 Calm down, dear, this is gonna send people flying. 253 00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:02,200 All we have to do is sit back, 254 00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:04,240 capture the comedy Kerrie Gold, 255 00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:07,800 cash said gold, vis-a-vis a 250 pound check 256 00:13:07,800 --> 00:13:10,560 from You've Been Framed and we're in clover. 257 00:13:10,560 --> 00:13:11,760 B-utter genius. 258 00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:13,120 Right are there any other butter puns 259 00:13:13,120 --> 00:13:15,440 you just want to get out of your system now? 260 00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:17,160 I'll Lurpak it in. 261 00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:18,880 Look, the only problem with your genius plan: 262 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,800 there's no one here, everyone's in class. 263 00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:22,800 Ah, no, I told Reggie Blinker 264 00:13:22,800 --> 00:13:25,800 that his dad's had another heart attack. 265 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:28,560 LOLZ, any minute now. 266 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:36,400 [laughs] 267 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,400 You see that? ROFLcopter. 268 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,840 Does anyone care about this school? 269 00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,400 [groans] I forgot to press record. 270 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,320 Butterfingers. 271 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,720 Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you? 272 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:54,400 What are you doing? 273 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:57,360 Oh, Alfie, hi, um... listen, 274 00:13:57,360 --> 00:14:03,480 they've offered me the job and I've decided-- 275 00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:05,200 That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea 276 00:14:05,200 --> 00:14:08,480 to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd? 277 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,560 To accept. 278 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,400 But you can't. 279 00:14:12,400 --> 00:14:15,520 Why not? Soweto sounds great. 280 00:14:15,520 --> 00:14:17,480 But I need you! 281 00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,800 Look, there's something I have to tell you, 282 00:14:23,760 --> 00:14:27,560 something that maybe before I didn't realize. 283 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:31,400 Yeah, sure, back then 284 00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,240 I was just a silly little boy, 285 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,000 but I've changed. 286 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,000 - Rosie-- - Yes? 287 00:14:42,000 --> 00:14:45,920 I'm, I'm an alcoholic. 288 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:50,120 There, I said it, I'm drinking a bottle of whiskey for breakfast. 289 00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:54,440 I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch. 290 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,120 Stay with me, Rosie. 291 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:58,000 Please don't let me end up like Georgie. 292 00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:00,680 You're not like George Best, Alfie, you barely drink. 293 00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:01,840 Uh, yes, I do. 294 00:15:01,840 --> 00:15:03,160 Last year, you got hungover 295 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:04,360 from some cherry liqueurs. 296 00:15:04,360 --> 00:15:06,160 They were extremely potent. 297 00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,440 Anyway, right now, I'm off the bloody rails. 298 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,240 I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol. 299 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,280 I'd drink bloody anything. 300 00:15:17,480 --> 00:15:18,960 Not the sea monkeys. 301 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,280 - Oh, my God. - [gags] 302 00:15:24,720 --> 00:15:26,880 I've made my tummy pregnant. 303 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:39,840 Whoa, where do you think you're going with that? 304 00:15:39,840 --> 00:15:41,280 Cash converters. 305 00:15:41,280 --> 00:15:43,520 How the hell am I meant to teach without a television? 306 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,200 We need to make swinging cuts. 307 00:15:46,200 --> 00:15:47,560 Stop saying swinging. 308 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,880 It is the most annoying word I have ever heard. 309 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,800 Boys, could you collect Mr. Wickers' video library? 310 00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:56,760 You can take our electricity, you can take our television, 311 00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,480 but you can never take our-- 312 00:15:58,480 --> 00:16:01,440 Braveheart, Director's Cut, please let me keep this. 313 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:03,280 Everything must go. 314 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:07,360 Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy. 315 00:16:07,360 --> 00:16:10,800 I'm trying to protect you. 316 00:16:10,800 --> 00:16:13,000 [speaking French] 317 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,280 Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this. 318 00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:21,280 Bullshit, I'm getting my TV back, 319 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,800 I'm getting my DVD's back 320 00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,760 and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto. 321 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,440 We are doing a fundraiser! 322 00:16:27,440 --> 00:16:30,400 And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid 323 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:32,640 all rolled into one, except this time 324 00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:35,320 we are stopping things from going to Africa. 325 00:16:35,320 --> 00:16:36,480 But how are you going to convince 326 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:37,920 Fraser to give you permission? 327 00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:42,680 Alf, I've told you it's just not possible. 328 00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:45,200 We simply don't have the time or the resources. 329 00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,400 Your band can play at the fundraiser. 330 00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,160 So what time shall we open the doors? 331 00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,160 Here, go on, sir, test it out. 332 00:17:01,160 --> 00:17:02,440 Alright. 333 00:17:09,280 --> 00:17:10,680 Shit. 334 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:21,360 Sorry, Mr. Harper. 335 00:17:21,360 --> 00:17:23,520 [speaking indistinct] 336 00:17:27,960 --> 00:17:29,760 So 50/50 on all profit? 337 00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,160 [speaking indistinct] 338 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:35,240 Right, couldn't agree more. 339 00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,440 You alright, Dad? 340 00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:40,760 Alf, I am so impressed that you've got 341 00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:42,320 all of this together in time. 342 00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:44,160 Oh, you know, it's not just me. 343 00:17:44,160 --> 00:17:47,800 Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's Dad here. 344 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,400 [speaking indistinct] 345 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,520 Yes, Fergal, there is no I in team. 346 00:17:53,520 --> 00:17:54,960 Oh, I had quite a silly idea. 347 00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,720 At university, we did a man auction. 348 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:00,600 We bought the rugby team as slaves for a day. 349 00:18:00,600 --> 00:18:02,000 Pinch me. 350 00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,320 We could sell the teachers here? 351 00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,240 You could put yourself up for sale. 352 00:18:07,240 --> 00:18:09,800 Who'd wanna buy me? 353 00:18:09,800 --> 00:18:10,280 I might. 354 00:18:11,360 --> 00:18:12,800 [Chantelle] He's not for sale! 355 00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:18,520 I mean, how does she even hear that far? 356 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:21,360 Fundraiser to save our school! 357 00:18:24,360 --> 00:18:26,520 What a pickle. 358 00:18:26,520 --> 00:18:30,480 You know, after my divorce, I traveled to India. 359 00:18:30,480 --> 00:18:32,520 I saw a beggar boy there. 360 00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,800 His little legs didn't work 361 00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,480 and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging. 362 00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:39,120 Well, don't beat yourself up about it. 363 00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,800 Everyone regrets their rebound. 364 00:18:42,400 --> 00:18:43,640 Fundra... 365 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:47,320 My point is, at least his sob story made him some money. 366 00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,120 What is your problem with me? 367 00:18:49,120 --> 00:18:52,440 I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else. 368 00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:54,440 You're being ridiculous. 369 00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:57,600 You are just his beggar boy rebound. 370 00:18:57,600 --> 00:18:59,960 Howdy Partners. [fakes gun firing] 371 00:18:59,960 --> 00:19:02,720 [chuckles] Look at you two, thick as thieves. 372 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:05,600 Hi, Dad, I love you. 373 00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,160 Whoa, what's got into you? 374 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,400 Come on, Marty Bear, win me a teddy. 375 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:15,760 Alrighty then, must dash, Alf pal, bit fanny-whipped. 376 00:19:16,640 --> 00:19:18,000 [grunts] 377 00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:21,200 Sob story! 378 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,960 Get me Rem Dogg now! 379 00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:28,120 Excuse me Fundraiser to send a little boy 380 00:19:28,120 --> 00:19:30,600 to Florida for life saving surgery. 381 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:35,000 Please help me, mate, me brain's all shit. 382 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:48,760 [upbeat music] 383 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,360 Um, talk me through this band. 384 00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,360 Well, we started out as a tribute act, 385 00:20:10,360 --> 00:20:11,560 but we were treading water. 386 00:20:11,560 --> 00:20:13,360 So I decided to Mumford us up a bit, 387 00:20:13,360 --> 00:20:14,960 you know, heartfelt summery anthems, 388 00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,560 reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers. 389 00:20:17,560 --> 00:20:19,960 So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act? 390 00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,800 Well, sort of, problem is, the lead singer, Donald, 391 00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:25,720 he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe. 392 00:20:25,720 --> 00:20:27,200 So that band is called? 393 00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:28,680 Knotslip and Sons. 394 00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,320 - Does that mash-up work? - Yes. 395 00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,880 [strums strings] 396 00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,240 Perfect-o. 397 00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:42,200 ♪ I came home and I saw you ♪ 398 00:20:42,200 --> 00:20:46,360 ♪ You were waiting waiting for me ♪ 399 00:20:46,360 --> 00:20:50,600 ♪ In the sun, there you were ♪ 400 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:54,800 ♪ Arms were open wide as the sea ♪ 401 00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:57,960 ♪ I fell to my knees as if to pray ♪ 402 00:20:57,960 --> 00:21:03,240 ♪ You opened your sweet mouth this to say ♪ 403 00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:07,400 ♪ Crawling in the shit ♪ 404 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:08,600 ♪ The devil is your dildo ♪ 405 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:09,960 ♪ Feed me to the worms ♪ 406 00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:12,320 ♪ I'll burn all you bastard-whores ♪ 407 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:17,120 [electric music] 408 00:21:17,120 --> 00:21:18,520 [banjo music] 409 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:23,560 ♪ Thank you Jesus for this glorious day ♪ 410 00:21:24,440 --> 00:21:26,800 [sparse clapping and whistling] 411 00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,240 [Mitchell] A grand? Is that it? 412 00:21:30,240 --> 00:21:32,880 You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf. 413 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,880 What good's that? You're still not gonna stay at Abbey Grove. 414 00:21:35,880 --> 00:21:37,440 We've still got Gladys's car wash. 415 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:39,280 ♪ Yeah, give it to me baby ♪ 416 00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:44,200 ♪ Yeah, give it to me baby ♪ 417 00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,000 ♪ Yeah, yeah, work it ♪ 418 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,160 I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard. 419 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,280 What about the man-auction? 420 00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,760 We're 19 grand short, dipshit. 421 00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:03,120 Going once, going twice, sold to Mrs. Carmichael! 422 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:06,520 [clapping] 423 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:10,360 Now our next slave for the day is a bit of a catch. 424 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:12,200 It's Mr. Fraser. 425 00:22:13,160 --> 00:22:15,000 Hi, ladies, I'm up for anything. 426 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,840 Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs, giving or receiving. 427 00:22:17,840 --> 00:22:19,400 Actually, not receiving. 428 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,000 I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment. 429 00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,640 Shall we start the bidding at 50 pounds? 430 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:25,640 Yes! 431 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,560 Oh, 50 pounds from Mrs. Welsh. 432 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:30,200 Sixty pounds from Gladys. 433 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:31,400 Oh, tits. 434 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000 Seventy pounds from Mrs. Welsh. 435 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,000 Go on. 436 00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,920 Eighty pounds, Gladys with you, can I get 100 pounds? 437 00:22:41,480 --> 00:22:44,800 A hundred pounds from Gladys, going once... 438 00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:45,320 [chuckling] 439 00:22:45,320 --> 00:22:47,680 This is ridiculous she can't even hear. 440 00:22:47,680 --> 00:22:49,400 Going twice. 441 00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,160 But we're not even paying her! 442 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:52,840 Sold to Gladys for 100 pounds! 443 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,840 [clapping] [laughing] 444 00:22:55,840 --> 00:23:00,400 Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man. 445 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:05,400 Sorry, he's just done so much to make today happen. 446 00:23:05,400 --> 00:23:06,760 I know we may have not raised enough 447 00:23:06,760 --> 00:23:10,360 to keep this school going, but Mr. Wickers, 448 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:15,600 he exemplifies everything that I will miss about Abbey Grove. 449 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,920 I know it's unconventional, 450 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,240 but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself. 451 00:23:20,240 --> 00:23:22,400 Fifty pounds for Alfie. 452 00:23:22,400 --> 00:23:24,120 Sixty pounds. 453 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,160 Seventy. 454 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,440 Eighty pounds! 455 00:23:26,440 --> 00:23:27,440 A hundred! 456 00:23:27,440 --> 00:23:28,960 Two hundred pounds. 457 00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:30,920 Don't worry, girls, you can share me. 458 00:23:30,920 --> 00:23:33,400 OK, but she's not kissing your mouth. 459 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,960 This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer. 460 00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,720 I'll match whatever he bids. 461 00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:40,520 [clapping] 462 00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:42,280 I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver. 463 00:23:42,280 --> 00:23:44,840 The bid is for 25,000 pounds. 464 00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:46,480 [all gasping] 465 00:23:46,480 --> 00:23:47,480 What? 466 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,760 That's enough to save the school. 467 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,320 Um, well, I can't match that, Chantelle? 468 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,440 Wait, is this a wind-up? 469 00:23:56,440 --> 00:24:01,560 Going once, going twice, sold, to the mystery bidder! 470 00:24:01,560 --> 00:24:05,840 [cheering] 471 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:15,000 We did it. We did it! 472 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,120 Who'd spend all that money on me? 473 00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:21,800 Well whoever it is, they've saved the school. 474 00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:26,120 And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe... 475 00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:27,720 What? 476 00:24:27,720 --> 00:24:30,440 I'm not going to South Africa, Alf. 477 00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:32,600 You said yourself that the school needs me 478 00:24:32,600 --> 00:24:35,680 and you need me, but I've come to realize 479 00:24:35,680 --> 00:24:38,240 that I need the school, and... 480 00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:42,800 I also need... 481 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:45,240 No, no, we made this mistake last term. 482 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:50,240 Oh, yeah, you're right, we should just be friends. 483 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:54,720 No, I meant kissing in front of the kids. 484 00:24:54,720 --> 00:24:56,000 Come with me. 485 00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,960 Oh, Dad! Jesus. 486 00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:13,800 Alf, oh, Christ, Celia had the hiccups 487 00:25:13,800 --> 00:25:16,840 and I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies. 488 00:25:16,840 --> 00:25:18,840 Stop doing this! 489 00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:20,680 Now calm down, Smoocher. 490 00:25:20,680 --> 00:25:23,920 Martin, you must tell him. 491 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,480 Celia and I, she mentioned 492 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:29,800 that you may have seen an invitation? 493 00:25:29,800 --> 00:25:30,640 What invitation? 494 00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,320 Oh, God, yes, sorry, how could I forget? 495 00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:40,320 Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion. 496 00:25:40,320 --> 00:25:43,120 We're getting married. [giggles] 497 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:44,560 Dad, what the hell? 498 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:47,480 You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman? 499 00:25:47,480 --> 00:25:50,400 Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman. 500 00:25:50,400 --> 00:25:51,960 Could we stop saying hobbit woman? 501 00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:56,560 Sorry, darling, Alf, we're going to be a family again. 502 00:25:56,560 --> 00:25:59,480 Come here, Smoocher, hug mummy. 503 00:26:04,160 --> 00:26:06,400 Alfie, come back! Alfie. 504 00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,200 [pop music plays] 505 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:15,960 I know I should be pretty annoyed 506 00:26:15,960 --> 00:26:19,000 but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy. 507 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,400 I'm happy, too. 508 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,840 [Jing clears throat] 509 00:26:24,640 --> 00:26:25,600 What, Jing? 510 00:26:25,600 --> 00:26:27,200 Sir, the anonymous bidder says 511 00:26:27,200 --> 00:26:29,000 that you have to leave immediately, 512 00:26:29,000 --> 00:26:30,480 otherwise the deal is off. 513 00:26:35,480 --> 00:26:37,800 You'll be here when I get back right? 514 00:26:37,800 --> 00:26:39,600 Of course I will. 515 00:26:39,600 --> 00:26:42,280 ♪ Can it get any better ♪ 516 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:47,440 ♪ Better than this ♪ 517 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,880 ♪ Cause it feels like a moment ♪ 518 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:56,160 ♪ Of a very first kiss ♪ 519 00:26:56,160 --> 00:27:00,840 ♪ And I'm falling deeper ♪ 520 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:04,920 ♪ I never wanted to ask it's a beautiful... ♪ 521 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:06,360 [door locks] 522 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:13,000 Pickwell! You bought me? 523 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,600 Oh, yes, Mr. Wickers. 524 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:19,800 But last time I saw you, you were penniless! 525 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:21,920 Well you remember my German consort, 526 00:27:21,920 --> 00:27:24,760 the Beast of Bergandorf? 527 00:27:24,760 --> 00:27:27,200 Sadly the old man died last month, 528 00:27:27,200 --> 00:27:31,400 leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland. 529 00:27:31,400 --> 00:27:34,680 Hence, my little splurge on you. 530 00:27:34,680 --> 00:27:38,600 What can you possibly do with me that's worth 25,000 pounds? 531 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:40,400 [chuckles] 532 00:27:40,400 --> 00:27:42,240 Oh, you have no idea. 533 00:27:44,480 --> 00:27:46,520 Let the games begin. 534 00:27:48,120 --> 00:27:49,880 A saddle? 535 00:27:50,600 --> 00:27:52,200 Drive on Mephisto. 536 00:27:55,400 --> 00:27:57,480 [grunting]