♪ Tell me that you'll wait for me ♪
♪ Hold me like you'll never let me go ♪
Come on, Smoocher, you know this one.
♪ I'm leaving on a jet plane ♪
Oh, Martin, can you go via Boots?
I need to get some clean tights.
Good idea.
Oh, while you're there, you might like
to stock up on C-O-N-D-O-M-S.
- Oh, O-K. - Dad, I can spell.
[gasps]
[upbeat music]
[laughs] I love that guy.
Who was that randomer?
Our fairy godfather, you know how we are in
uno poquito di serious financial trouble-io?
- No? - Well, I managed to turn
- our remaining 20 grand in to a cool two million. - Go on.
That randomer is Dr. Goodluck Yultide Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo.
The Nigerian Minister of Finance.
Oh, God.
He wanted a short-term cash loan for the purchase
of a contested oil field in rural Nigeria,
and some medicines for his mother.
He promised returns of up to one thousand percent.
Oh, shit.
That's Fr-Asda price.
Yes.
Oh, dear, that's the last of the coffee.
- I hope no one minds. I was up all night. - Oh, God.
Look, I don't want to sound like a broken record,
but who's to say Dr. Chuckwu-Akpo-Akpo won't come good?
The receipt he gave you was on a Burger King napkin,
made out to "the big bank in the town."
He said he was in the same class as Howard from the Halifax at Bank School.
- Bank School? Amazing. - Oh Betty Swallocks!
So what, Fraser's lost us a bit of money.
It's not the end of the world.
Not so, we have to prove our solvency by Wednesday
otherwise Abbey Grove faces closure by default.
Well, let's, I don't know, put on a fundraiser?
Oh, that is a good idea.
We're not a charity case yet, Smoocher.
Don't call me that!
And have you got any bright ideas?
A spare 20 grand tucked away in that bra of yours?
Oh, I don't appear to be wearing one. [laughs]
Somebody broke the latch with his teeth.
For Christ's sake.
[growls]
Papa Wickers not the only animal in the family.
This one's hung like a horse.
- [groans] - [both] A sea horse.
- Oh, double act, Bant and Dec. - Kill me.
Hey, I've got a fun and really funky idea!
Why don't all the staff take pay cuts?
I'm afraid my salary is non-negotiable.
Martin and I are saving up for ...something.
Chemical castration, chemical castration.
The solution to the school's problem is austerity.
To keep the current salary structure in place,
we must make swinging cuts.
You may've noticed Mrs. Westurby's absence.
Mrs. Westurby?
Has she got a mole, smells of biscuits, can't have children?
Baron von Westurby.
No, that's Mrs. Vanderby, Baron Vanderby.
I can stop saying baron now.
Alfie, could you cover Mrs. Westurby's biology class?
I can barely teach history.
[groans] Fine, how are you gonna be helping?
I'm going to shut down the library.
[scoffs]
I've got it.
The art block, they've got a Henry Moore!
That must be worth loads. We could sell it.
Had...
They had a Henry Moore.
I might of swapped it.
You swapped it? What for?
[light saber zooming]
It was one of only 30 used on the set of Phantom Menace.
It belonged to Senator Palpatine!
[light saber zooming]
Why are you all wearing your coats?
'Cause your mum turned off the heating.
Professor Green is not my mum.
She's banged your dad, she's your mum.
You must have a lot of dads then.
Sir, I'm freezing, will you share your body heat with me?
- No. - Why's there no heating?
If you must know, the school's having some financial problems.
Why don't you sell your organs, sir?
I heard the Queen's hamster needs a new cock. [laughs]
Guys, please, you do realize if Abbey Grove shuts down
you'll all have to go to St. Edwards.
[all gasping]
The only school below us on the league table!
If I go to St. Edwards the only theater
I'll end up in is an operating one.
St Edward's not that bad, babe, Dean Gaffney went there.
Dean Gaffney? We need to raise some money!
I could do a kiss and tell, sir, on this guy I'm seeing.
Yeah, with the best will in the world Chantelle,
I doubt that Haroun from WH Smiths is going to sell
that many papers, apart from the ones that he literally sells.
What if you take that condom you've got in your wallet to the Antiques Road Show?
Right, is it too much to ask to have a serious suggestion?
- I got one. - Thank you Rem Dogg.
Sperm banks offer 60 quid for a small pot.
We pump Mitchell's mum's stomach, a grand, easy.
Oh, my God, that is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard.
What about this?
- [farts] - [all groaning]
Guys, can you be serious?
Do you wanna go to another school?
Stephen's dad's a banker, he could help us?
Babes, he's a cashier at NatWest.
What about two of us going to work in a casino,
mapping out their security procedures,
these guys can dress up in disguises
and earn the trust of the owner, and then Jing can do
some crazy circus shit in a room full of lasers?
We're not going to be re-enacting the plot of Ocean's 11, Mitchell.
- Ocean's 12? - No.
Ocean's 13?
You're not really understanding
- the problem here. - Ocean's 14.
It doesn't even exist.
Hey, Pro Green's got me teaching Biology.
Said you had some stuff for me, but then I thought
what does everyone love?
Sea monkeys!
This isn't primary school.
Alfie, if I tell you something,
do you promise that you won't overreact?
When have I ever overreacted?
I've applied for a job at a school in Soweto.
[wailing]
Why are you doing this to me?
[breathing heavily]
- OK? - Yeah.
Good. Alf, I love this school,
but I need a change in my life.
Well, grow a fringe, try Zumba, try heroin!
But I could do some good in Soweto.
Instead, I'm stuck here in Abbey Grove,
lurching from disaster to disaster.
But what about us?
Our will-they-won't-they is the glue
that binds this school together.
Please don't go, Rosie, you're the only person
on the staff that I like.
You can't leave me here with Pro Green and Anakin Skywanker.
[chuckles]
The school needs you, I need you.
Well, I mean, I've only just applied
so let's see what happens, yeah?
Here you go.
- Frogs. - Yeah.
Oh, my God, this one's not moving!
- Maybe it's asleep. - They're all dead.
Your class are dissecting them.
[groans]
Sure I can't just do Sea Monkeys?
Give that about a day and it'll be the Discovery Channel in a glass.
Off you go, Alfie.
[upbeat music]
[knocking]
Where do you want these, Pro Green?
Next to the other sale items.
We're putting them on the eBay.
It's eBay.
You can't sell our books!
Yeah, what are the sad, lonely kids going to read
whilst everyone else is out in the playground having fun?
Desperate times, Mr. Wickers.
You could sell that.
Or let me take a hammer to it.
Why should I suffer for the school's profligacy?
Now, I need you two to prevail
- upon the kitchen staff to work for free. - Why do we have to do that?
- We're all in this together. - I just think that--
Ah, ah... We're all in this together, that will be all.
- [scoffs] - Alright, whatever.
Let's go and give Mrs. Patmore her P45.
Mr. Wickers... [speaking French]
Stay behind, please?
[groans]
Now, as you know, your father and I are courting.
- Courting? - Marty-Bear is a wonderful, caring, passionate man.
He, you and I are a little family now.
What do you want?
We'd like you to call me mummy.
Is something the matter?
I'm looking at the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.
Oh, no, now I am.
Trust me, I've got this.
Are you sure?
Yeah, I'm a people person.
Yo, kitchen goblins, I'm just here to tell you how much
of a vital part of the Abbey Grove machine you guys are.
Yeah, maybe sometimes you don't get the credit you deserve,
and you're a bit funny-looking, but you're like Niall from One Direction.
Without you there isn't a band.
Ahh... And we go back a bit don't we?
This guy, right, has got some of the best banter in the school.
Hey, and a dab hand with the ladies, player!
And my mate here, Iggy Pop, this guy right, is--
One of the nicest women I've ever worked with.
Oh... Yup.
And my brother from another mother, Old Little Chef.
Look, we could reminisce about the old days until the cows come home.
But I'm here to tell you that Abbey Grove has gone bust,
so we were wondering whether you guys would be willing
to do yo t'ang on a sort of volunteer basis? Unpaid.
That's cool, take five, have a think about it.
[door slams]
I knew it, didn't I say, if there was one person
we could rely on, it's old... it's...
Gladys.
Gladys, Gladys, with the hearing aids.
I remember now, she hasn't heard a word.
It looks like Pro Green's sold all the food.
What are we going to feed the kids now?
What's this?
We did a whip-round, sir,
that's all our pocket money.
Guys, I've been over this with you.
As much as I'd like to, I can't buy you booze again.
No, Alfie, the money's for saving Abbey Grove.
We know it's not much but...
We don't want to leave, sir.
Even though this school's got shit wheelchair access.
And fewer GCSEs than a Premier League football team.
It's a dump, but it's my dump.
You know what it's like with your own brew sir.
I like the smell.
Some beautiful words there Mitchell.
Guys, you've been so generous, but I can't accept this.
There must be a better way.
- Ocean's 15? - Really?
- What are you doing? - Buttering the corridor.
Look, I really think we need to do a fundraiser.
Alf, listen, we just simply don't have time.
Mitchell's dad owns a funfair.
He could easily lend us some stalls.
Unless I can pay them off in two days time,
the bank are gonna pop a cap in the back of my ass.
I don't really care about your ass.
I care about this school.
Calm down, dear, this is gonna send people flying.
All we have to do is sit back,
capture the comedy Kerrie Gold,
cash said gold, vis-a-vis a 250 pound check
from You've Been Framed and we're in clover.
B-utter genius.
Right are there any other butter puns
you just want to get out of your system now?
I'll Lurpak it in.
Look, the only problem with your genius plan:
there's no one here, everyone's in class.
Ah, no, I told Reggie Blinker
that his dad's had another heart attack.
LOLZ, any minute now.
[laughs]
You see that? ROFLcopter.
Does anyone care about this school?
[groans] I forgot to press record.
Butterfingers.
Reggie, do you think you've got another one in you?
What are you doing?
Oh, Alfie, hi, um... listen,
they've offered me the job and I've decided--
That, in the cold light of day, your hair-brained idea
to start a new life in Soweto is totally and utterly absurd?
To accept.
But you can't.
Why not? Soweto sounds great.
But I need you!
Look, there's something I have to tell you,
something that maybe before I didn't realize.
Yeah, sure, back then
I was just a silly little boy,
but I've changed.
- Rosie-- - Yes?
I'm, I'm an alcoholic.
There, I said it, I'm drinking a bottle of whiskey for breakfast.
I'm a player with a deadly addiction to hooch and cooch.
Stay with me, Rosie.
Please don't let me end up like Georgie.
You're not like George Best, Alfie, you barely drink.
Uh, yes, I do.
Last year, you got hungover
from some cherry liqueurs.
They were extremely potent.
Anyway, right now, I'm off the bloody rails.
I only came in here because I'm looking for ethanol.
I'd drink bloody anything.
Not the sea monkeys.
- Oh, my God. - [gags]
I've made my tummy pregnant.
Whoa, where do you think you're going with that?
Cash converters.
How the hell am I meant to teach without a television?
We need to make swinging cuts.
Stop saying swinging.
It is the most annoying word I have ever heard.
Boys, could you collect Mr. Wickers' video library?
You can take our electricity, you can take our television,
but you can never take our--
Braveheart, Director's Cut, please let me keep this.
Everything must go.
Alfie, you must see you're the obvious candidate for redundancy.
I'm trying to protect you.
[speaking French]
Please, boys, it doesn't have to be like this.
Bullshit, I'm getting my TV back,
I'm getting my DVD's back
and I'm stopping Miss Gulliver from going to Soweto.
We are doing a fundraiser!
And it is going to be like Live Aid and Band Aid
all rolled into one, except this time
we are stopping things from going to Africa.
But how are you going to convince
Fraser to give you permission?
Alf, I've told you it's just not possible.
We simply don't have the time or the resources.
Your band can play at the fundraiser.
So what time shall we open the doors?
Here, go on, sir, test it out.
Alright.
Shit.
Sorry, Mr. Harper.
[speaking indistinct]
So 50/50 on all profit?
[speaking indistinct]
Right, couldn't agree more.
You alright, Dad?
Alf, I am so impressed that you've got
all of this together in time.
Oh, you know, it's not just me.
Everyone's doing their bit, especially Mitchell's Dad here.
[speaking indistinct]
Yes, Fergal, there is no I in team.
Oh, I had quite a silly idea.
At university, we did a man auction.
We bought the rugby team as slaves for a day.
Pinch me.
We could sell the teachers here?
You could put yourself up for sale.
Who'd wanna buy me?
I might.
[Chantelle] He's not for sale!
I mean, how does she even hear that far?
Fundraiser to save our school!
What a pickle.
You know, after my divorce, I traveled to India.
I saw a beggar boy there.
His little legs didn't work
and he was dragging himself along on a cart, begging.
Well, don't beat yourself up about it.
Everyone regrets their rebound.
Fundra...
My point is, at least his sob story made him some money.
What is your problem with me?
I remind you that my Dad loved somebody else.
You're being ridiculous.
You are just his beggar boy rebound.
Howdy Partners. [fakes gun firing]
[chuckles] Look at you two, thick as thieves.
Hi, Dad, I love you.
Whoa, what's got into you?
Come on, Marty Bear, win me a teddy.
Alrighty then, must dash, Alf pal, bit fanny-whipped.
[grunts]
Sob story!
Get me Rem Dogg now!
Excuse me Fundraiser to send a little boy
to Florida for life saving surgery.
Please help me, mate, me brain's all shit.
[upbeat music]
Um, talk me through this band.
Well, we started out as a tribute act,
but we were treading water.
So I decided to Mumford us up a bit,
you know, heartfelt summery anthems,
reclaiming the banjo from rapey American farmers.
So you're a Mumford and Sons tribute act?
Well, sort of, problem is, the lead singer, Donald,
he's quite set in his ways with the whole Slipknot vibe.
So that band is called?
Knotslip and Sons.
- Does that mash-up work? - Yes.
[strums strings]
Perfect-o.
♪ I came home and I saw you ♪
♪ You were waiting waiting for me ♪
♪ In the sun, there you were ♪
♪ Arms were open wide as the sea ♪
♪ I fell to my knees as if to pray ♪
♪ You opened your sweet mouth this to say ♪
♪ Crawling in the shit ♪
♪ The devil is your dildo ♪
♪ Feed me to the worms ♪
♪ I'll burn all you bastard-whores ♪
[electric music]
[banjo music]
♪ Thank you Jesus for this glorious day ♪
[sparse clapping and whistling]
[Mitchell] A grand? Is that it?
You tried your best. I'm still proud of you, Alf.
What good's that? You're still not gonna stay at Abbey Grove.
We've still got Gladys's car wash.
♪ Yeah, give it to me baby ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, work it ♪
I don't think Gladys's milkshake is bringing too many boys to the yard.
What about the man-auction?
We're 19 grand short, dipshit.
Going once, going twice, sold to Mrs. Carmichael!
[clapping]
Now our next slave for the day is a bit of a catch.
It's Mr. Fraser.
Hi, ladies, I'm up for anything.
Cooking, cleaning, foot rubs, giving or receiving.
Actually, not receiving.
I've got a pretty nuclear crop of bunions at the moment.
Shall we start the bidding at 50 pounds?
Yes!
Oh, 50 pounds from Mrs. Welsh.
Sixty pounds from Gladys.
Oh, tits.
Seventy pounds from Mrs. Welsh.
Go on.
Eighty pounds, Gladys with you, can I get 100 pounds?
A hundred pounds from Gladys, going once...
[chuckling]
This is ridiculous she can't even hear.
Going twice.
But we're not even paying her!
Sold to Gladys for 100 pounds!
[clapping] [laughing]
Our next slave for the day is a very, very special man.
Sorry, he's just done so much to make today happen.
I know we may have not raised enough
to keep this school going, but Mr. Wickers,
he exemplifies everything that I will miss about Abbey Grove.
I know it's unconventional,
but I'd quite like to start the bidding myself.
Fifty pounds for Alfie.
Sixty pounds.
Seventy.
Eighty pounds!
A hundred!
Two hundred pounds.
Don't worry, girls, you can share me.
OK, but she's not kissing your mouth.
This gentleman would like to make a bid on behalf of his employer.
I'll match whatever he bids.
[clapping]
I don't think you will, Miss Gulliver.
The bid is for 25,000 pounds.
[all gasping]
What?
That's enough to save the school.
Um, well, I can't match that, Chantelle?
Wait, is this a wind-up?
Going once, going twice, sold, to the mystery bidder!
[cheering]
We did it. We did it!
Who'd spend all that money on me?
Well whoever it is, they've saved the school.
And seeing as Abbey Grove's going to be OK, I think, maybe...
What?
I'm not going to South Africa, Alf.
You said yourself that the school needs me
and you need me, but I've come to realize
that I need the school, and...
I also need...
No, no, we made this mistake last term.
Oh, yeah, you're right, we should just be friends.
No, I meant kissing in front of the kids.
Come with me.
Oh, Dad! Jesus.
Alf, oh, Christ, Celia had the hiccups
and I was trying to scare her by giving her the willies.
Stop doing this!
Now calm down, Smoocher.
Martin, you must tell him.
Celia and I, she mentioned
that you may have seen an invitation?
What invitation?
Oh, God, yes, sorry, how could I forget?
Well, it's an invitation to a very special occasion.
We're getting married. [giggles]
Dad, what the hell?
You are marrying this stupid hobbit woman?
Oh, Alf, I love this hobbit woman.
Could we stop saying hobbit woman?
Sorry, darling, Alf, we're going to be a family again.
Come here, Smoocher, hug mummy.
Alfie, come back! Alfie.
[pop music plays]
I know I should be pretty annoyed
but at least Pro Green makes my dad happy.
I'm happy, too.
[Jing clears throat]
What, Jing?
Sir, the anonymous bidder says
that you have to leave immediately,
otherwise the deal is off.
You'll be here when I get back right?
Of course I will.
♪ Can it get any better ♪
♪ Better than this ♪
♪ Cause it feels like a moment ♪
♪ Of a very first kiss ♪
♪ And I'm falling deeper ♪
♪ I never wanted to ask it's a beautiful... ♪
[door locks]
Pickwell! You bought me?
Oh, yes, Mr. Wickers.
But last time I saw you, you were penniless!
Well you remember my German consort,
the Beast of Bergandorf?
Sadly the old man died last month,
leaving me all the gold he'd stashed in Switzerland.
Hence, my little splurge on you.
What can you possibly do with me that's worth 25,000 pounds?
[chuckles]
Oh, you have no idea.
Let the games begin.
A saddle?
Drive on Mephisto.
[grunting]