Look I know how much you hate the idea of Celia
and I being an item.
It was a moment of madness.
One to many glasses of Rose, the red mist descends
and before you know it you're giving
an old friend a knee-trembler.
Right, stop the car.
Pull over.
[Martin] I miss the touch of a woman, Alf.
Celia made me feel so alive
her eyes, her touch, her musk.
If it's any consolation, it didn't last long.
She gave my prostate the once over.
Apparently, it's tip-top.
[upbeat music]
Hey, Rosie. I got you a little present.
Oh, a friendship bracelet?
It's just a silly little thing to remind you
that I'm always going to be here for you
no matter what, forever more.
It's no biggie. You cut it off, I die.
Thanks.
Oh, Celia, Fraser's giving the drugs counselor a lift,
and they're stuck on the M25, so we might need a back-up plan.
It's drugs awareness day? AKA doss day?
Show the kids a couple of pictures of a dead junkie, and then chill out.
Well, I've actually prepared a proper presentation on drugs.
No, Rosie. It's a chore, leave it to the most senior member of staff.
No, it's fine, Celia. I'm going to talk about drug mules,
and the Taliban, and the US government.
Whoo, yeah, you go sister.
I blame Starbucks.
No, Israel.
Lizards?
Really, Rosie, take a well-earned break.
Read a fashion magazine.
Flesh tones can be so brutally honest.
I am fully equipped to give this talk.
Well, maybe you'd like to borrow a pair of these..
It's a talk, Celia, not customs.
Well, it seems a shame for them to go to waste.
Alfred, I've already given your father's the once-over,
would you like me to test your prostate?
What's happened?
It's his parents.
They're taking me away from Abbey Grove.
They say it's not academical enough.
What? You, you can't leave.
Have your parents even seen the league tables?
What, the league tables in which we're ranked below
two orphanages and the kennels?
They want me to become some boring lawyer.
Sir, are you and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo?
Yeah. I mean, she's split up with Alex,
and I reckon I've got just about enough time to seduce her
before she remembers her self-worth.
Gonna give her a knob to cry on, sir?
Oh, no, sorry, Mitchell.
I think your mum's consoling herself on it tonight.
Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver to persuade
my parents to let me stay here?
- Why can't I persuade them? - 'Cause you'll mess it up, sir.
But I'm great with parents.
Every time you see my parents, you insist on taking your shoes off.
Yeah, and I bow. Respectful.
Oh, shay shay. Ne how.
When my mum come in to talk about me bunking off school,
you asked her if you could use a clamp.
Yeah, well it's either that or putting the whole school on stilts.
- [laughs] - But Miss Gulliver's really persuasive.
Persuasive? Look, I'm sorry if you wanna be inspired to be a lawyer,
look no further my friend.
Last year I took on BP,
only one of the world's largest corporations.
And I thrashed them, on my own, in a court of law.
How much did you win?
Well, I didn't win any actual money,
but you know the Wild Bean Cafe in Tring?
They now have to have a sign on their coffee machine
which reads, "Please do not drink directly from the nozzle."
So, my place tonight, hang out,
listen to a bit of reggae music.
- You don't like reggae. - Ollie Murs?
Alfie, I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready to see anyone yet.
I, I wasn't asking you out.
Hey, if you need any help with your presentation,
don't be afraid to ask, 'cause obviously,
I know quite a lot about drugs.
You took one anti-depressant when you heard
that Five had broken up.
Five'll make you get down.
Yeah, well you're still not that qualified.
Oh, really?
My friend Atticus Hoye once took me to a poppers den.
You don't get a den for poppers.
Well, that shows how much you know.
All these naked guys injecting themselves with poppers
by sitting on these big rubber needles.
Atticus, he couldn't get enough of it.
You know what they say. "Once you pop you just can't stop."
So if you change your mind about tonight.
I won't.
- Well, you might. - I absolutely won't.
Absolutely might.
[bell ringing]
Okay, guys, so there's gonna be no history class today.
[cheers]
I'm going to do my drugs presentation,
followed by a question and answer.
- I got a question, Miss. - Yep.
Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk
if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh?
- Yep. - I sincerely doubt it.
Oh, man. Does anyone want some Femfresh?
Oh, yeah, I'll take it.
My flat gets really smelly.
Do you even know what Femfresh is?
It's like Febreeze, right?
Yeah, it makes your curtains smell nice.
[laughing]
Okay, guys, okay calm down, that's enough.
Now, can anyone im... imagine
how hard life must be for Maria,
a drug mule from Mexico.
Whoo, yeah.
If I was eating Mexican food every day,
I don't think I'd be able to keep anything in my ass.
[laughing]
What do people like Maria need?
Hair straighteners?
Look at the split ends on that.
True that.
And maybe some make-up to sort out this car crash.
No, no.
What people like Maria need is our respect.
G's, Hustlers, crisis averted.
Your drugs counselor has arrived.
Oh, no, no, no, no, 'cause
I'm in the middle of, of my drugs talk.
Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G,
but I have a professional up my wizard's sleeve.
Guys, meet India.
Namaste.
I'm India.
Hi, Alfie,
teacher, leader, legend.
[chuckles]
India you say? Land of the pyramids.
I'm something of a sphinx-er myself.
Sorry, did you just say sphinx-er?
OK, so I cotch for the drugs counseling service called Vibesline.
We're an advice pipeline you can use to freebase
non-judgemental advice.
I'm sorry can we lose the fat girl?
[loud deliberate laugh]
Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch.
Basically, if it's vibesing, chillax and ride the wave.
She calls me that, too.
It's Chinese for leader of the blind,
up the great mountain of wisdom.
Sort of, roughly.
Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to you about the dark side of drugs.
[loud Indian music]
Okay, yeah.
You're having a massive night.
The sun is coming up.
You are totally Chung-ed.
But the good times are over.
Now we have to deal with the terrible
consequences of substance abuse.
You can't find your Oyster card.
It's a long walk back to Chiswick.
You, you lost an earring your grandmother left you in her will.
That is 45 minutes looking for it
on your hands and knees, using your phone as a torch.
And you, you kissed the guy who runs
the deli you go into every day.
Fraser, this is nonsense.
- Nonsense? - Mmm.
- FYI, you're a real negatude. - Sorry, negatude?
Negative attitude, it's a mash-up.
Yeah, it's a mash-up.
Get with the times, Marple.
[makes whooshing sound]
That was the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.
I actually thought India was kinda good.
I'm talking about you, "Teacher, leader, legend."
Oh, yeah, I forgot visionary.
Look, I just got into her vibe.
I know exactly what you want to get into.
Are you jealous?
Why would I be jealous of Ind-jah?
You sound jeliculous.
Jealous and ridiculous.
- Mash-up. - You should stop doing that.
You're beginning to sound like a bit of a twunt.
Oh, that is so uncalled-for.
Hey. Oh, soz, bit of a domestic?
A domestic? No, we're not a couple.
No don't worry, I'm single.
I'm young, dumb and full of com... fortable silences.
Do you want to hit the canteen maybe?
Oh, it's pathetic.
Come on, let's go have a lovely lunch.
A lunch.
It was meant to be a mash-up.
- It's this way. - OK.
Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard.
Things got pretty messy in Ibiza.
- Which club? - Club Med.
I went on the water slides straight after lunch.
My dad went ballistic.
That was one frosty pedalo home.
[loud laugh]
[Stephen clears throat]
My parents don't want to talk to Miss Gulliver, sir,
they only want to talk to you.
Very sensible.
Why are you dressed as a Scottish widow?
Because this is my last day at Abbey Grove.
[phone rings]
Oh, excuse me.
I am bothered, but I think this girl actually likes me.
What a slut.
Everything that I love is being torn away from me.
And I appreciate that.
It's just that you're also being a little bit of a cock-block.
Look, I'll call your Dad as soon as lunch is over.
I promise you, I won't let him take you away.
Come on, babes.
Yep.
OK, so that was my mate, Savannah.
Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this
totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight.
This guy called Ben Grayson runs it.
Ben Grayson? Yeah, his brother Frank's at this school.
Could he get us on the guest list?
Us?
What, like we're on a date?
[giggles]
Why not?
Well, yeah. I'll give him a call now.
Oh, answer phone.
Yo, Frankenstein, yeah, it's Mr. Wickers here,
wicky-wickywickers, I was just wondering, bro,
whether there was any chance I could just bum
a couple of ticky-boos to the old rave-age?
- Guest list. - Guest list-age.
Anyway, give me a bell back, bro. Laters.
Love you, I don't love you. Bye.
So if we go to this rave tonight,
are you going to take anything, to like,
you know, help you through?
Yeah, well, I mean, if we're going to be dancing until the break of dawn,
I will probably need to take my supportive in-soles.
No, no.
Drugs.
- But I thought you were clean. - Only nine to five.
If you get me on the guest list, things could get messy.
Oh, they're gonna get messy.
I'll probably cover myself in shit.
[forced laugh]
My sister, Mortadella, took this legal high, right,
which made her think she could freeze time and lick it like a lolly.
Sure, that's...
...Dirty Viennetta.
It's like getting a hand job off Aslan.
Could you get some for tonight?
Hell, yeah.
Me, you, Havannah, Ugly and Cous Cous
are gonna get absolutely mashed.
[phone rings]
Is that Frank, amazing.
Yo, what's up motherlover I cannot wait
to get into your club, bang some drugs, shake my jugs.
Oh, Mr. Carmichael.
No, Stephen did not mention that
you were going to call me directly.
[whispers] I'll be a sec.
I am so sorry about that.
[laughing]
Yo, what's happening?
Did you get my message about the guest list?
Twenty quid a bloke. Women go free.
Well, it's me and my sexy date, so.
- Well, that's 40 quid then. - Yep, my date's a woman.
If I give you 40 quid, it's in no way a confession.
Also, my date wants to try a certain thing tonight.
Well, make sure he knows the safe word.
And I've heard you don't wanna pull it out too quickly.
I'm talking about drugs.
Apparently this drug makes you think that time is an ice cream?
- Yeah 50 quid a scoop. - Done.
[gasps]
Did you just ask me to buy you drugs?
Yeah, well, obviously.
Oh, God, you're blackmailing me, aren't you?
- Mm. Yeah. - [sighs]
What do you mean, none of you sell drugs?
All I can say is that I am very, very disappointed in you.
Why do you need drugs anyway?
Because I'm going on a date with India.
Why can't you just buy them yourself?
Uh, because A, I'm a teacher,
B, Grayson's stole all of my money,
and C, I made the drug up in the first place,
so have you got any idea how ridiculous you sound?
Sir, apparently you spoke to my dad.
Yeah, look, I'm sorry I'll apologize for that,
just as soon as I've sorted out this one very important thing.
Sir, Stephen's dad is really just gonna--
Chantelle, please. I must insist.
This is my thinking face.
That's why she didn't recognize it.
[inhales deeply]
Oh, boom squared.
Do you know what face this is Chantelle?
- Is it your cum-- - Don't even say that.
This is my had a brilliant idea face.
If I can't buy the drug, I'm gonna make the drug.
Are you mad?
Come on, drugs must be easy to invent.
Look at Meow-meow. That's fertilizer.
It's just someone getting peckish in a garden center.
Mitchell, you must know something about drugs?
Course I do. My brother spent so long in a Thai prison,
he come back speaking fluent Scouse.
Alright, well you can be my head chef, my LS-Delia.
Now, we need someone to help with the science aspect.
- Jing? - No way.
What if I told you that this counted towards
the community service element of your Duke of Edinburgh Award?
It's either this or wiping an old guy's ass.
- Fine. - Yes!
[knocking on door]
Sir, Professor Green wants to see you.
Oh, could you tell Professor Green to go swivel on that?
[students chuckle]
No, I didn't mean that. No, don't tell her that!
I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes.
Can you come back, please!
Is anything troubling you at the moment, Alfred?
Mm, no.
I saw you talking to Mr. Grayson earlier.
Money exchanging hands.
I may look like a girl of 16.
- Sixty. - But I'm not a fool.
I was buying tickets to a rave, big deal.
Alfred, I too have an addictive personality.
Your father, I crave Martin Wickers.
I want to inhale him, snort him,
feel him racing through my veins and exploding inside me.
I'll help you with your problem.
You help me with your father.
There is absolutely no way on earth
I would ever let my dad go out with you.
And who's Martin more likely to believe, dear?
A deceitful, drug-addled son,
or the woman who's trying so hard to help?
Look, you better get this into your stupid bunny boiling,
hobbity little head, I don't do drugs, okay?
You're either with me, or against me.
Ew, it smells disgusting.
She's never gonna swallow that.
I could lower the pH down by
neutralizing the carbon substrate.
I've got a better idea.
Behold, Dirty Vienetta.
Why do I bother?
Alfie, it stinks in here. What is that?
This, my old friend, is the new legal high
that all the kids are talking about.
Please tell me you are not cooking drugs with children?
Oh, God, here we go again.
Throwing the rule book at me. What is it this time?
Page 20,000 rule three million, subsection b:
do not involve the children in the production of narcotics.
Do you realize how irresponsible you're being?
Babe, you really need to chill out.
Maybe you should take a leaf out of India's book.
Okay, and what book is that? Fifty Shades of Bitch?
The Great Twatsby?
The Unbearable Lightness of Being a Cod-Bohemian Dipshit?
Okay, obviously the last of those is not a real book.
Is it?
Alfie, you have done some crazy stuff in your time.
Yeah, like falling in... fond with you.
Alfie, in the classroom just be a teacher, yeah?
And with women just, just be yourself.
- Be myself? - Yeah.
Great, so you're so jealous,
that you want me to die a virgin?
Right, Mitchell, I can sense you snickering.
Room for a little one, Mr. Fraser?
Ah, no Mr. Fraser here.
I'm Kurt Cobear the anti-drugs bear!
- Bear? - They didn't have any more bear costumes.
So you're...
I'm Kurt Co-bear the anti-drugs prawn,
conducting a drugs amnesty... under the sea.
I'm here on rather pressing business.
There's a young teacher at Abbey Grove
who has become the victim of a craven drug addiction.
If you're talking about me, I've only ever taken drugs once,
and the ending was not a happy one.
I was weather-guarding some suede slacks
when I took in a lung-full of fumes.
I was completely off my head and thought I could fly.
It was an absolute disaster. I forgot my passport
then I freaked out on the Gatwick Express.
I wish I'd weather-guarded the inside of those slacks.
I see I must act alone. Goodbye, Mr. Fraser.
I'll be seein' ya.
Alfie, this drug stuff has gone too far.
[groans] Are you gonna tell me this is the most stupid thing I've ever done?
Well, apart from when you bet your laptop that
Jason Statham would win that Oscar.
Have you seen Transporter 3?
Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right.
Ok, you've got a lot of great qualities,
and if someone can't see that,
then they probably don't deserve you.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
What great qualities?
Well, you can speak Elvish.
Just "Where's the toilet?" "Can I have some tap water."
- It's barely restaurant Elf. - Well, I'm impressed.
So what, you mean India might like me for who I actually am?
That I don't need to do this?
Hey, Albert, you wanna hit up some chamomile tea?
- Do I? - You're teaching us history.
Yeah, that's right.
We're learning about the build-up of hostilities
prior to the First World War.
Downton Abbey Series One's on my desk.
Shall we?
- One Shitty Cornetto. - Dirty Viennetta?
Damn straight.
Jesus, that honks, man.
Yeah, I'm not sure.
- How do we know if it's safe? - Safe?
Babe, I've been scooping this shit all day long.
[coughs]
Oh, get in my face.
- Right, look, Albert. - Alfie.
I'm not sure about this shit.
Babe, we're gonna have such a sick night.
Just gotta ride the wave man.
You're just too wild, bro.
Let's just drop it like it's hot.
[retching]
Oh, shit, man!
- I'm sorry. - You chundered on my vintage.
Not cool.
Sick and vintage, sintage. It's a mash up.
Oh, my God.
Am I wearing a really tight little hat?
♪ Under the sea under the sea ♪
♪ Down here it's better down where it's wetter ♪
♪ Under the sea ♪
Oh, my God, I'm a mermaid.
- Alfie. - There's a giant prawn.
I spoke to him in his own fishy language.
Alfie, you might want to come out from under there.
Who's Alfie?
My name is Ariel.
[laughing]
[dog barks loudly]
Officers, this is Mr. Wickers.
I'd begun to wonder where you'd gone to.
Thank you for covering for me.
OK, kids, who can tell me why Lady Sibyl defied her father
and eloped with an Irishman?
Begorrah, to be sure, I used to be a chauffeur
but now I am a class traitor.
Diddly dee, dee dee dee dee.
Who trained this dog to walk underwater?
[dog barks]
It must be the work of this hag, Ursula the Sea Witch.
Alfie, put the scissors down.
Ow, I need to look sexy for Prince Eric.
- Alfie. - Shush, Flounder.
Please, sir, not the bra. My parents are coming.
- Is he OK? - No, I don't think he is.
- I think he's on drugs. - I've got to get Miss Gulliver.
Stephen, you need to help me with my hair.
Prince Eric prefers me when I'm auburn.
- Sir, stop it! - [laughing]
And after Maria slew the Cordoba brothers,
she vowed never again to use her anus as a receptacle.
Miss Gulliver, you've got to help.
Joe, I'm teaching a class here.
Mr. Wickers is going mad, miss.
I think he's eaten a Dirty Viennetta.
Well Mr. Wickers needs to learn how to look after himself.
But Pro Green's in there, miss, and the police.
He'll lose his job. He could go to prison.
You know what, Joe, maybe prison's the best place for him.
This whole thing with India, it's not about her,
it's about proving that he's over you
when he obviously isn't.
You know, after you two kissed last term
he told us that he had an erection
that lasted for six hours and 23 minutes.
And you know what, he didn't even deal with it
because he thought it would cheapen the moment.
Plus, he refused to tell us what your boobs felt like,
even though you were right up on him and--
Alright, Joe, that's enough, come on let's go.
♪ Under the sea, under the sea, under the sea ♪
Come on, Alfie, smile for Daddy.
Why are you photographing him?
To prove this lost little boy needs a mother.
Now, I think we should take a urine sample, officers?
I want a full toxicology report.
No, Ursula, I don't want your potion.
Uh, oh.
Prince Eric, you've come to save me from my captors.
Lord Trident forbids our union but it feels so right.
What on earth's going on?
Mum, dad, this isn't what it looks like.
[gasps] My bra!
- Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms. - We're leaving, Stephen.
[Chantelle] No, Stephen. Please, sir, please don't.
[Stephen] I don't want to leave my friends.
Calm down, Princess Ariel.
But how can I be calm when I'm going out
with such a sexy, little starfish?
[students gasp]
We will conquer your demons and restore peace
to your watery kingdom.
If you just sit down on that bit of coral
and just stop what you're doing.
[fake laughs]
Mr. and Mrs. Carmichael, officers, Professor Green.
I hope you've enjoyed this role-play, a radical,
educational tool pioneered by drug charity Vibesline.
- Role-play? - Mhm.
The man's mad.
Yes, yes, Mr. Wickers is acting like a pathetic,
grotesque, utterly irresponsible little man.
But those are the consequences of drug abuse.
Well, it's very realistic.
Mmm, and who in this class would ever touch a drug
after this performance?
I mean, obviously, if Alfie was high,
then the deputy head would have to fire him,
and call the police and explain to his father
how she ruined his son's life forever.
So it's a good thing that Alfie's acting, right, Celia?
The wonderful thing about Mr. Wickers is his commitment.
Whatever it takes to engage these pupils.
I'm so happy here, Dad. Please let me stay?
Oh come on Richard, please.
Okay, I'll think about it.
[everyone cheers]
P-A-R-T-Y without me?
How very shellfish of you.
[dog barks loudly]
Prawns and pigs, eh.
It's a good job you're not Jewish, Officer... Finklestein.
Ursula, call off your sea dogs and let my prawn swim free!
[groans]
Show's over, Alfie.
Why didn't you want to come and swim with me?
The water's so lovely and warm.
Oh, my God.
Sir pissed himself.
Dad, what are you doing in here?
Oh, hello Alfie.
Just having a little sit down.
Can I see you in the car?
Oh, God, Dad!
[groans]