1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:10,680 Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you. 2 00:00:10,680 --> 00:00:12,680 Happy Valentine's, pal. 3 00:00:15,200 --> 00:00:18,280 It's not from her, is it? 4 00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,520 No. But, I'm sure Mom's thinking about us, 5 00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:26,520 over in Spain with Javier and their children. 6 00:00:28,600 --> 00:00:30,600 Forest fruit? 7 00:00:33,120 --> 00:00:35,920 So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight? 8 00:00:35,920 --> 00:00:37,440 Ah, 'fraid not. 9 00:00:37,440 --> 00:00:40,320 Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me. 10 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,840 Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember 11 00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,480 the last time I touched a woman's breast. 12 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,200 It was your grandmother's. 13 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:51,440 She'd asked me to check for a lump. 14 00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,960 Oh Dad, TMI. 15 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,720 You don't have to cook for me tonight. 16 00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,360 We could go out, lads on the town, 17 00:00:57,360 --> 00:00:59,320 have a few Jaguar bombs. 18 00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:01,000 It's pronounced "Jaeger bomb." 19 00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,000 And anyway how many times do I have to tell you? 20 00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:05,760 It's Valentine's Day, people assume we're a couple. 21 00:01:05,760 --> 00:01:08,240 Well, that's not gonna happen this year is it? 22 00:01:08,240 --> 00:01:10,480 Not with your girlfriend in tow. 23 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,440 I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard. 24 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:15,960 - Gulliver. - She is still coming isn't she? 25 00:01:15,960 --> 00:01:18,640 - [school bell rings] - Um, yeah. 26 00:01:18,640 --> 00:01:21,600 Well, shouldn't you be going in? 27 00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,280 [stammers] I might just stay a little bit longer. 28 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:31,880 Look, trooper, I was a teacher for over 25 years, 29 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,640 and do you know most important lesson I learned? 30 00:01:35,640 --> 00:01:40,840 - Respect is earned, not given. - Dad, just give it a rest. 31 00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:44,520 And for your information, I have the pupils' respect. 32 00:01:49,120 --> 00:01:51,800 [upbeat music] 33 00:02:19,920 --> 00:02:21,680 Ah, Dr. Alfinstein, 34 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:25,560 stop playing God and meet our new deputy head. 35 00:02:25,560 --> 00:02:28,360 - Hi, Alfie. - Professor Green. 36 00:02:28,360 --> 00:02:31,480 [chuckles] Well, seriously? 37 00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:32,920 As in Professor Green? 38 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,640 [chuckles] Yes, my ex-husband is the feted 39 00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:39,360 Gastroenterologist, Professor Herman Green. 40 00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,160 No, Pro Green, the best British rapper 41 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:44,800 since Brian Harvey, or maybe J from 5ive. 42 00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:46,840 Ah. I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop. 43 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,400 I have, however, just been told 44 00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:52,680 all about Abbey Grove's Wunderkind. 45 00:02:52,680 --> 00:02:57,200 - Smoocher? Aha, Smoocher. - [laughter] 46 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:58,880 You forgot your lunchbox. 47 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,880 I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy. 48 00:03:01,880 --> 00:03:06,240 He's got the... squits. 49 00:03:06,240 --> 00:03:08,400 - Celia? - Martin? 50 00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:10,120 - You know each other? - Know each other? 51 00:03:10,120 --> 00:03:11,640 We did our teacher training together. 52 00:03:11,640 --> 00:03:15,160 [gasps] Must be... 25 years? 53 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:16,640 [chuckles] What are you doing here? 54 00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:20,320 I pined for a challenge to salvage a struggling school, 55 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,440 get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove. 56 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,000 - Aye, aye, Cap'n. - [laughter] 57 00:03:26,000 --> 00:03:27,920 - Classic. - No, it wasn't. 58 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,640 How's, um, Herman, isn't it? 59 00:03:29,640 --> 00:03:33,200 Herman and I are no longer... 60 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,760 Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. 61 00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,840 Herman never understood that my career came first. 62 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:39,280 Perhaps that's what drove the naughty 63 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:43,240 little man into the arms of a young-er lady. 64 00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,880 [chuckles] 65 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,280 It's ham and... 66 00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:54,120 - Coleslaw. - Coleslaw? 67 00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,400 - Yes. - [school bell rings] 68 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,360 Ah, the call to arms. 69 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:00,840 Well, I mustn't keep you. 70 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,800 After all, "Punctuality..." 71 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,160 [both] "is the politeness of kings." 72 00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,120 [both laugh] 73 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,680 Go. 74 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:13,000 Well, well, well. Martin Stool. 75 00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,880 - [laughs] - Wickers. 76 00:04:14,880 --> 00:04:18,160 He took my mom's name, unsurprisingly. 77 00:04:18,160 --> 00:04:21,360 I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you. 78 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:22,600 Probably the squits. 79 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:25,360 Well, off to teach my first class. 80 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:28,280 - Au revoir. - Ferrero Roche. 81 00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:36,800 You seem disappointed. 82 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:39,760 You thought it was gonna be the real Pro Green, didn't you? 83 00:04:49,560 --> 00:04:51,120 Hey, 'sup, guys? 84 00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:52,880 Sweet threads. 85 00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:55,360 Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes? 86 00:04:55,360 --> 00:05:01,120 Pickwell's dead. From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches. 87 00:05:01,120 --> 00:05:04,800 Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper? 88 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:07,880 - He's in love. - [all] Whoo! 89 00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,400 Gay! 90 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,560 So, that's why you come as Ollay Murs? 91 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,840 Um, Joseph, what's his name? 92 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,960 Her name is Allison Dear, and she's beautiful. 93 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:17,960 [scoffs] 94 00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:20,560 "Allison Dear"? 95 00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,440 Oh, Allie Dear. 96 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:23,800 [clears throat] 97 00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:27,160 [both] ♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪ 98 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:30,200 ♪ Every time she is near? ♪ 99 00:05:30,200 --> 00:05:31,880 'Cause her breath smells like a trawler. 100 00:05:31,880 --> 00:05:33,280 [laughter] 101 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,920 Alfie, do you think I should send her a card? 102 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,800 That'd be a first; someone sending a card to Moon Pig. 103 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,400 [laughs] 104 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:40,120 You're just jealous 'cause you haven't 105 00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,560 got anyone to send a card to. 106 00:05:41,560 --> 00:05:43,840 Ooh, Father's Day all over again. 107 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:45,760 I got this card from Mitchell's mum. 108 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:48,800 [reads] "Dear Rem Dogg, here's your 20 pound back. 109 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,120 I can't charge you 'cause you were so good!" 110 00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:52,240 And I got a card from your mum. 111 00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,560 Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid her with. 112 00:05:54,560 --> 00:05:58,400 "PS, you banged me so hard now I'm in a wheelchair." 113 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,000 Guys, I realize it's Valentine's Day, 114 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,600 but could you please stop flirting? 115 00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,440 Speaking of which, where's Chantelle? 116 00:06:03,440 --> 00:06:05,440 - She's seeing the school nurse? - Is she ill? 117 00:06:05,440 --> 00:06:06,640 Sorry, sir, she made me make 118 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:09,200 a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 119 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:10,400 [knock on the door] 120 00:06:10,400 --> 00:06:12,000 Ah, Mr. Wickers, could we have 121 00:06:12,000 --> 00:06:14,480 a tête-à-tête in the corridor? 122 00:06:14,480 --> 00:06:16,160 Rem Dogg, by the way, if you have been 123 00:06:16,160 --> 00:06:17,680 sleeping with Mitchell's mum, 124 00:06:17,680 --> 00:06:19,840 I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean. 125 00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:24,480 Mr. Wickers, is it my little bêtise, 126 00:06:24,480 --> 00:06:27,720 or does this school have a uniform? 127 00:06:27,720 --> 00:06:29,680 Yeah, a really stupid one. 128 00:06:29,680 --> 00:06:32,520 Hence, I told my kids they can wear what they like now. 129 00:06:32,520 --> 00:06:36,640 [chuckles] You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss, 130 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:39,120 but, I do think it lends Abbey Grove 131 00:06:39,120 --> 00:06:41,680 a certain sartorial elegance. 132 00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:42,960 Well, I don't know what that means, 133 00:06:42,960 --> 00:06:45,240 so, shall we just agree to disagree. 134 00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:48,360 Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head? 135 00:06:48,360 --> 00:06:51,800 I don't really go in for that whole teacher naggy shit. 136 00:06:51,800 --> 00:06:52,440 Me and the kids are mates. 137 00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:55,360 "I," Mr. Wickers, not "me." 138 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,600 I and the kids are mates. But, just go with the flow. 139 00:06:58,600 --> 00:07:02,200 And hey, remember, respect is a dish 140 00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:07,440 best served earned, not served given. 141 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,640 - So, we still on for tonight? - Tonight? 142 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:18,200 Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago, 143 00:07:18,200 --> 00:07:19,440 we arranged for you to come to dinner 144 00:07:19,440 --> 00:07:20,720 because for some weird reason 145 00:07:20,720 --> 00:07:22,360 my Dad thinks that we're going out? 146 00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:24,920 What? Why does your dad think that we're going out? 147 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:27,000 Ugh, long story, don't want to bore you with it. 148 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,480 - Try me. - I told him. 149 00:07:29,480 --> 00:07:33,400 - Please do this for me? - I'm seeing Alex. 150 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:34,600 But, he's really depressed. 151 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:36,400 If he finds out that I'm unhappy, too, 152 00:07:36,400 --> 00:07:37,960 this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. 153 00:07:37,960 --> 00:07:40,400 Are you saying your father's life is in my hands? 154 00:07:40,400 --> 00:07:41,840 Uh, no, but literary analogy, 155 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,680 you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath. 156 00:07:43,680 --> 00:07:44,800 I just don't wanna come home and find him 157 00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:46,400 putting his head into a gas oven. 158 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:47,880 He's not gonna put his head in an oven 159 00:07:47,880 --> 00:07:49,400 if I don't come for dinner. 160 00:07:49,400 --> 00:07:50,360 Yeah, well obviously not 'cause I don't 161 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:51,760 have an oven in my flat. 162 00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,680 He could use the microwave. 163 00:07:53,680 --> 00:07:55,400 Actually, you couldn't use a microwave 164 00:07:55,400 --> 00:07:58,920 because when you try to shut it, your head would stop the door. 165 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,160 He could take it into the bath. 166 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,920 Shower! My flat only has a shower! 167 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,440 [Jing] Sorry, read that essay title again? 168 00:08:07,440 --> 00:08:10,880 "Who first popularized the 'Awooga mantra?'" 169 00:08:10,880 --> 00:08:13,720 - Discuss. - And how is this relevant? 170 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,200 Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around 171 00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,880 to tell me what I can and cannot teach, 172 00:08:17,880 --> 00:08:20,360 you're gonna notice quite a few changes around here. 173 00:08:20,360 --> 00:08:23,560 Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought; 174 00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:27,560 Charles, Akabusi, Fash the Bash Fashanu. 175 00:08:27,560 --> 00:08:29,280 But, Dickers, what you doing tonight? 176 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:31,200 Fash-the-bashing went out to 10-minute free-view? 177 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:32,440 [Alfie] No, Mitchell. 178 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:33,760 If you must know I'm going on a 179 00:08:33,760 --> 00:08:37,400 Valentine's Day dinner, with my dad. 180 00:08:37,400 --> 00:08:38,560 I can't work out whether that's 181 00:08:38,560 --> 00:08:40,600 really sweet or incredibly sad. 182 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,400 The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend 183 00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,480 and he wants to meet her tonight, but, she won't come with me, 184 00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:48,120 - so I need a surrogate. - OK, so mainly sad. 185 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,800 My sister might be up for helping you out, sir. 186 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:51,240 She ain't got a date tonight either. 187 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,800 Really? Oh, wait, do I have to like grab her, 188 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,360 or fight someone in a car park to win her hand? 189 00:08:57,360 --> 00:09:00,120 Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now. 190 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:04,160 Oh, thanks mate. I really appreciate that. 191 00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:06,200 Murs, are you all right? 192 00:09:06,200 --> 00:09:11,600 It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but, she totally blanked me. 193 00:09:11,600 --> 00:09:13,800 She probably doesn't even realize you like her, mate! 194 00:09:13,800 --> 00:09:16,800 - I just feel so empty. - You don't look it. 195 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:19,720 Sir, I've got something for you to look at. 196 00:09:19,720 --> 00:09:21,400 Ugh, if you've put undergarments 197 00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,960 in my Valentine's card again, I'm not accepting them. 198 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:28,000 No, sir. Look: I'm pregnant! 199 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:33,680 Are you sure? 200 00:09:33,680 --> 00:09:36,200 Yep, she showed me the test and everything. 201 00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,920 Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help. 202 00:09:38,920 --> 00:09:41,400 Why didn't I do something earlier? 203 00:09:41,400 --> 00:09:44,720 Talk to her, you're a good listener. 204 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,280 - Sorry, what? - I said you're a good listener. 205 00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:49,400 Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself. 206 00:09:49,400 --> 00:09:51,120 If anything, I've fulfilled my role as her guardian. 207 00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:52,520 If the finger's gonna be pointed at anyone 208 00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,800 it's her peer groups; 209 00:09:54,800 --> 00:09:56,720 whether that's her friends at school or her parents. 210 00:09:56,720 --> 00:09:57,920 Bang on. 211 00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,880 Teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already. 212 00:10:00,880 --> 00:10:02,920 Abbey Grove does not disappoint. 213 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:08,880 [sighs] God, I'm sorry Rosie, I've failed her. 214 00:10:08,880 --> 00:10:12,200 Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum. 215 00:10:12,200 --> 00:10:17,680 No way. She's so flirty, plus I think her number's a premium line. 216 00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,280 Still, no doubt the whole school can 217 00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,400 learn a lesson from her predicament. 218 00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,000 The school isn't learning anything. 219 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:26,160 That, I do not dispute. 220 00:10:26,160 --> 00:10:28,360 I meant from Chantelle. 221 00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,400 She's not going public with it. 222 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,600 She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 223 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:34,520 Do we know who sired the infant? 224 00:10:36,240 --> 00:10:37,960 Who's the father? 225 00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:41,480 Oh, we don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon. 226 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,520 She's gonna name the baby after its dad. 227 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,520 [laughs] 228 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,800 Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle? 229 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,320 Well, I know that letting pupils... 230 00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:51,480 How did you put it? 231 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:53,400 "Go with the flow," always damages 232 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:56,280 the reputation of a school. Full stop. 233 00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:00,120 Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow," 234 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,640 because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop. 235 00:11:04,640 --> 00:11:07,480 That's not a full stop, that's a question mark. 236 00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:09,920 You asked me a question. 237 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:14,840 Whatever, comma, semi-colon, square bracket. 238 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:16,440 That stupid "and." 239 00:11:16,440 --> 00:11:18,800 He's just upset, Celia. 240 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:20,320 I think I prefer Professor Green. 241 00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:21,960 [both laugh] 242 00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:24,840 I think I prefer Miss Pickwell. [chuckles] 243 00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:27,240 Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, okay? 244 00:11:27,240 --> 00:11:29,920 And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism. 245 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:35,240 Ooh, I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shed load. 246 00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,680 Just as soon as I've Googled it to find out what it means. 247 00:11:42,400 --> 00:11:44,480 [Fraser] Help! Help! 248 00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,720 Thanks, Alf. I got stuck. 249 00:11:55,720 --> 00:11:57,760 - Bloody Love Lift. - What is this? 250 00:11:57,760 --> 00:12:00,880 This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out. 251 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,360 I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail 252 00:12:03,360 --> 00:12:05,120 and onto the Pum-Tang Express. 253 00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:06,800 A dating show for the kids? 254 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:09,280 Well, that's gonna be pants. 255 00:12:09,280 --> 00:12:11,600 Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it? 256 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:14,240 - Of course. - You know Allison Dear? 257 00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,480 Oh, Ally Dear, we can put her down. 258 00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,120 I didn't know you were a chubby chaser. 259 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:22,400 No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter. 260 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,800 Consider it done. See, now you likey. 261 00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:26,400 I don't like it like... 262 00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,800 It's a shit idea, but, 263 00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,160 at least it's better than your tragic online dating. 264 00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,600 There's nothing tragic about my date tonight. 265 00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:34,760 The itinerary: 266 00:12:34,760 --> 00:12:37,720 Ice skating, Pizza Sex-press, an apres, 267 00:12:37,720 --> 00:12:39,600 see if we can't find the Willy wagon 268 00:12:39,600 --> 00:12:45,000 somewhere warm to park; beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. 269 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:46,520 [uptempo dance music] 270 00:12:46,520 --> 00:12:48,600 ♪ Can't stop me ♪ 271 00:12:53,880 --> 00:12:55,960 ♪ Can't stop me ♪ 272 00:12:57,400 --> 00:12:58,920 [indistinct chatter] 273 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:02,800 Chantelle, I think at some point, we should, uh... 274 00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:04,280 ...you know, talk about... 275 00:13:04,280 --> 00:13:07,000 About the baby. Have you told anyone else? 276 00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,800 No. BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 277 00:13:10,800 --> 00:13:14,000 Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind, 278 00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:17,800 I'm naming him after my favorite teacher; 279 00:13:17,800 --> 00:13:19,400 Baby Alfie. 280 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,160 All right, good. 281 00:13:21,160 --> 00:13:23,800 Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger? 282 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:29,520 [clears throat] I'm just gonna go over there. 283 00:13:29,520 --> 00:13:33,720 Um, Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear. 284 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:36,160 I honestly can't come tonight. 285 00:13:36,160 --> 00:13:39,480 Oh. One of those Royal Mail "missed delivery" things. 286 00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:41,800 It's handwritten. 287 00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:44,680 So it is. Royal Mail, the personal touch. 288 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,360 It's your address. 289 00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,360 I must live above a depot. 290 00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:52,160 Look, please come. 291 00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:55,200 I know it's a weird situation, but, I'm desperate. 292 00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:57,480 I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight. 293 00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,840 And if you must know, we're having some problems. 294 00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,880 Turns out I do have some issues with my-- 295 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,920 [game show theme music] 296 00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:05,760 [applause] 297 00:14:17,240 --> 00:14:18,600 Come on! 298 00:14:18,600 --> 00:14:19,960 [applause] 299 00:14:23,920 --> 00:14:25,360 Calm down, calm down. 300 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:27,360 Hello, and welcome to Take Me Out. 301 00:14:27,360 --> 00:14:30,560 We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella, 302 00:14:30,560 --> 00:14:33,480 and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of... 303 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:35,400 [all] Fernandoze! 304 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,280 That's it, girls, juj up your hair, 305 00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,800 pout your lips, and hitch up your skirt... 306 00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,720 Hair again. 307 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:43,680 Let the Abbey see the Grove. 308 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:45,240 Single man, reveal yourself! 309 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,800 - [show theme music] - [applause] 310 00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,960 It's Reggie Blinker. 311 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,440 [audience groans] 312 00:14:54,880 --> 00:14:57,160 You know how it works, girls; no likey... 313 00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:59,440 [girls] No lighty! 314 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,840 [game bell buzzes] 315 00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,160 Oh, God. 316 00:15:04,160 --> 00:15:06,120 This is gonna be a car crash. 317 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,800 - [show theme music] - [applause] 318 00:15:14,280 --> 00:15:17,680 No likey, no light, aah-- 319 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,800 [audience groans] 320 00:15:24,760 --> 00:15:27,680 [upbeat music] 321 00:15:36,800 --> 00:15:41,360 Let Mr. Popplecock see the redundancy package! 322 00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:42,800 Probably not the time for this announcement, 323 00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:45,800 but, seriously, we will all miss you. 324 00:15:47,160 --> 00:15:49,560 Single man, reveal yourself. 325 00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,920 - [applause] - [banging on door] 326 00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,160 [Joe] Help! 327 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:58,800 Door's a bit sticky. 328 00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:01,800 - [Joe] Help! - Needs a bit of force. 329 00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:05,920 Come on big guy, work with me here. 330 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,800 - [shouts] - [audience gasps] 331 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,880 [laughter] 332 00:16:15,880 --> 00:16:19,320 Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf. 333 00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,800 So, no likey... 334 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,360 - [all] No lighty. - [game buzzers ring] 335 00:16:26,680 --> 00:16:29,920 Yes! Get in there! 336 00:16:29,920 --> 00:16:32,960 Round two. So, what you sets you apart from the crowd? 337 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:35,400 Um... asthma? 338 00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:38,360 And a big willy! Whoo! 339 00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:40,360 So, why do you wanna be on the show? 340 00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:46,240 Um, I just wanted to ask, um, Ally... 341 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:48,960 Would you... 342 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,280 What are you doing? 343 00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:58,440 I know it's awfully jolly, 344 00:16:58,440 --> 00:17:00,960 trivializing sexual promiscuity. 345 00:17:00,960 --> 00:17:02,160 Are you from the past? 346 00:17:02,160 --> 00:17:03,760 I mean, who even talks like that? 347 00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,880 But, given the current situation... 348 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:08,400 What situation? 349 00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,560 Chantelle Parsons; she's pregnant. 350 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:11,680 [audience gasps] 351 00:17:11,680 --> 00:17:13,360 What a sleepy goose. 352 00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,760 Right. You have no right to talk about that. 353 00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:19,680 Sir? You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise. 354 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:22,600 I'm sorry, I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice. 355 00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,880 And you, I told you this was a secret. 356 00:17:24,880 --> 00:17:27,640 [grunts] God, you can be so didactism; 357 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:30,320 noun, intending to teach with an emphasis on moral instruction. 358 00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:34,680 I can be so didactic, Alfred, the adjective. 359 00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:37,160 Look, it's not Chantelle's fault. 360 00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:40,800 If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me. 361 00:17:40,800 --> 00:17:44,680 Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie? 362 00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:46,360 "Baby Alfie"? 363 00:17:46,360 --> 00:17:47,400 Mr. Wickers! 364 00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:48,960 No, I forgot to tell you. 365 00:17:48,960 --> 00:17:51,400 Dickers is the dad, what a nonce. 366 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:52,240 Well, at least you're not firing blanks. 367 00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,840 It's not mine, you idiot! 368 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,960 I just meant that I'll help look after the child. 369 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:59,200 Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis. 370 00:17:59,200 --> 00:18:01,800 Yes, exactly like Stephen says, 371 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:02,840 like the man in Les Miserables. 372 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:06,000 - Prove it, sir. Sing. - I'm not gonna sing. 373 00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:08,720 Explain yourself, Mr. Wickers. 374 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,760 I, it's not... 375 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:13,880 Dream a dream, sing. 376 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:16,120 - Yeah, go on, sir. - Don't. 377 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:28,360 ♪ Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian ♪ 378 00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:32,640 ♪ Even though I did not shag you ♪ 379 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:39,800 ♪ I have done no wrong, just like Jean Valjean ♪ 380 00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,480 ♪ He stole a loaf of bread ♪ 381 00:18:41,480 --> 00:18:48,840 ♪ I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven instead ♪ 382 00:18:54,920 --> 00:18:57,360 [claps] That was so beautiful. 383 00:18:57,360 --> 00:18:59,880 - Why did you do that? - I don't know. 384 00:18:59,880 --> 00:19:03,440 Mr. Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady, 385 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,440 I shall be calling the constabulary. 386 00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:08,680 - The police. - No, not the police! 387 00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:09,920 No, Professor Green, please! 388 00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,760 Wait! 389 00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,840 - I'm not pregnant. - [all gasp] 390 00:19:13,840 --> 00:19:17,200 - What? - I lied. 391 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:21,800 I just wanted it to look like someone loves me. 392 00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,360 And I wanted you to notice me, sir. 393 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:27,400 Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention. 394 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,600 I'm always here for you. 395 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:31,800 Yeah. So, back off, Javert. 396 00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:37,960 Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me. 397 00:19:37,960 --> 00:19:39,760 - Really? - Yeah. On Saturday. 398 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,120 We're going to World of Waffles in Watford. 399 00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,440 Amazing, mate, well done. 400 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,400 Ooh, and you know what that means. 401 00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:46,800 'Cause I kind of made it happen, 402 00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:50,280 you are indebted to me for the rest of your life. 403 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,400 So, you can cook, right? 404 00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,400 Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill. 405 00:19:55,400 --> 00:19:57,200 Will you help me with my dinner party tonight? 406 00:19:57,200 --> 00:19:58,320 Okay. 407 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:00,440 Sweet. I knew I could count you. 408 00:20:00,440 --> 00:20:01,520 Cheers, mate. 409 00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,400 Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister 410 00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,160 around mine for around 7:00-7:30. 411 00:20:05,160 --> 00:20:07,200 I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate. 412 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:09,280 - What? Why? - Well, she Facebooked you. 413 00:20:09,280 --> 00:20:11,200 - We had a deal. - Well, I didn't make your profile picture 414 00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,600 some nerd dressed as Gandalf. 415 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,760 [scoffs] Me and the lads were on a pub crawl. 416 00:20:14,760 --> 00:20:16,200 Don't worry, I've got a backup plan. 417 00:20:16,200 --> 00:20:18,120 One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it. 418 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:19,240 You promise me this time. 419 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:20,520 Yes, Bilbo Bell End, 420 00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:22,400 just text me your address and she'll be there. 421 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,200 Okay, deal. 422 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:25,840 And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf, 423 00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:27,600 I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as 424 00:20:27,600 --> 00:20:29,720 the first Chief Lieutenant to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth, 425 00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,280 around the time he overran Erigon, 426 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,800 killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths, 427 00:20:32,800 --> 00:20:34,920 and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power. 428 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:37,240 So who's the dickhead now? 429 00:20:49,320 --> 00:20:50,600 Sweet. 430 00:20:50,600 --> 00:20:52,280 Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way. 431 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:53,960 Here are your ingredients. 432 00:20:57,120 --> 00:20:58,560 Mitchell got it for me. 433 00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,200 Alfie, I can cook spag bol, 434 00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,520 but, I can't cook bunny rabbits. 435 00:21:01,520 --> 00:21:02,760 Oh, come on, it's easy. 436 00:21:02,760 --> 00:21:04,840 Just shave it, stick and onion up its bum, 437 00:21:04,840 --> 00:21:06,680 and then, put it in the microwave. 438 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:09,240 Hey, Smooch, groovy news; I've got a hot date. 439 00:21:09,240 --> 00:21:11,360 That's brilliant, Dad, who is she? 440 00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,600 [doorbell rings] 441 00:21:16,320 --> 00:21:19,600 Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mixup. 442 00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,400 Halloween is not until October, 443 00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:24,720 and even then, it's only really the children that dress up as monsters, 444 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:29,880 so, how about you fuck off and stop trying to ruin my life. 445 00:21:29,880 --> 00:21:35,800 - Good evening, Alfred. - Celia. Aloha. 446 00:21:35,800 --> 00:21:36,440 Let me take your coat. 447 00:21:36,440 --> 00:21:38,600 Shut up. 448 00:21:38,600 --> 00:21:40,240 So, lovely to see you, Martin. 449 00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,800 Likewise. 450 00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,240 [slow jazz music] 451 00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,000 What are you doing here? 452 00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:58,720 Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook. 453 00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,760 Ugh, I don't know what is more sickening, 454 00:22:00,760 --> 00:22:03,720 the fact that you're here or that my dad's on Facebook. 455 00:22:03,720 --> 00:22:06,360 - Poke. - [both laugh] 456 00:22:06,360 --> 00:22:09,680 - Poke. - Poke. 457 00:22:09,680 --> 00:22:13,560 - Glass of vinegar, my lover? - Oh... 458 00:22:13,560 --> 00:22:16,200 So, did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today? 459 00:22:16,200 --> 00:22:18,920 Oh, I thought Alfie was single. 460 00:22:18,920 --> 00:22:22,600 Hands off. Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver. 461 00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,280 She's coming tonight. It's a double date. 462 00:22:25,280 --> 00:22:27,280 Is she now? 463 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,680 Professor Green, could I have a word with you 464 00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:35,840 in the kitchen about your dietary requirements? 465 00:22:38,200 --> 00:22:42,720 Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight isn't the real Rosie Gulliver. 466 00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,960 - Oh. - My dad's got confused 467 00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,840 and now it's too far down the line. 468 00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,360 I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just... 469 00:22:49,360 --> 00:22:51,840 Go with the flow. 470 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:54,880 [sighs] My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow. 471 00:22:54,880 --> 00:22:56,240 And you'll stops setting them essays 472 00:22:56,240 --> 00:22:58,880 - on catchphrases from the 90's? - Yes. 473 00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,120 And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot? 474 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:04,400 Shut up, Joe, this has nothing to do with you. 475 00:23:04,400 --> 00:23:05,000 [doorbell rings] 476 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:07,800 Oh, that'll be Rosie. 477 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:13,920 You Mitchell's mate? 478 00:23:13,920 --> 00:23:16,800 His brother sent me. 479 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:22,160 Oh, shit! 480 00:23:22,160 --> 00:23:25,760 No, Mitchell, your brother is not a player, he is a payer. 481 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:28,760 She is 100 percent a prostitute. 482 00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:33,120 Hi. I can offer you 20 pounds, some cobble of Royal, 483 00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:37,400 and a rabbit, to make you go away. 484 00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:41,960 - How do you cook that? - Onion up the bum. Bye. 485 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:43,720 You know, now you've paid, 486 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:46,920 you can put your onion up my rabbit hole. 487 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:47,920 [pop music plays] 488 00:23:47,920 --> 00:23:53,800 ♪ Magical, so wonderful ♪ 489 00:23:53,960 --> 00:23:55,720 ♪ When I'm with you ♪ 490 00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,440 ♪ When I'm with you it's a beautiful world ♪ 491 00:23:59,440 --> 00:24:02,560 I wanted to car cleaned on the outside and the inside. 492 00:24:02,560 --> 00:24:05,200 They thought I only wanted the outside done. 493 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:09,920 In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself. [laughs] 494 00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:14,720 Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story. 495 00:24:14,720 --> 00:24:16,280 "Funny"? 496 00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:18,360 I think you need to check your dictionary app. 497 00:24:18,360 --> 00:24:22,280 [sighs] God, this is the most middle-aged dinner party ever. 498 00:24:22,280 --> 00:24:26,440 Martin, do you like the television program, Mad Men? 499 00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,920 [sniffs] I love it. 500 00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:31,360 I think you're a bit of a Don Draper. 501 00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:35,400 Okay, toots. Care for another scotch? 502 00:24:35,400 --> 00:24:37,280 So, that was an American accent? 503 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,960 Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke. 504 00:24:39,960 --> 00:24:42,400 My wife went to the West Indies. 505 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:43,400 Jamaica? 506 00:24:43,400 --> 00:24:45,400 No, she went of her own accord. 507 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:46,800 [both laugh] 508 00:24:46,800 --> 00:24:48,320 Joe, can you please bring in 509 00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:50,880 some bleach so I can kill myself? 510 00:24:50,880 --> 00:24:54,760 Oops. Someone's a bit T-I-R-E-D. 511 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,800 Cheer up, Grumpo. 512 00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:57,880 Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu. 513 00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:02,280 Yes, so sad she's not feeling herself. 514 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:08,400 Look, Dad, I might as will just be honest with you. 515 00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,440 - The thing is, Rosie... - [doorbell rings] 516 00:25:15,560 --> 00:25:18,760 Rosie, I thought... 517 00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:21,920 What about Alex? 518 00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:24,680 We've broken up. 519 00:25:24,680 --> 00:25:27,360 Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up. 520 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:32,400 You could tell your face to look a little less happy. 521 00:25:36,880 --> 00:25:38,200 I can't believe you came. 522 00:25:38,200 --> 00:25:39,920 [sighs] Well, you were there for Chantelle, 523 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,680 so, I thought I'd be here for you. 524 00:25:41,680 --> 00:25:43,120 Thanks. 525 00:25:43,120 --> 00:25:45,600 Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend, 526 00:25:45,600 --> 00:25:47,120 I'm just gonna tell my dad the truth. 527 00:25:47,120 --> 00:25:49,280 No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night. 528 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:50,840 Does that mean you'll be sleeping over? 529 00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:53,000 - No. - Sorry, it's just, 530 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,360 I have this Postman Pat bed linen so I would've changed... 531 00:25:55,360 --> 00:25:57,600 - Should I come in? - Yeah. 532 00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:58,920 Pro Green won't know what's hit her. 533 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:01,800 - Pro Green? - Don't ask. 534 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,280 Dad, Celia, guess who's here? 535 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,760 Hey, Miss Gulliver. 536 00:26:07,760 --> 00:26:09,240 Where are they? 537 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,400 Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom, 538 00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:13,200 so, your dad took her in there. 539 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,280 - He's very drunk. - My bedroom? 540 00:26:16,280 --> 00:26:18,840 [Celia and Martin laughing] 541 00:26:20,520 --> 00:26:22,360 Oh, my God. 542 00:26:24,680 --> 00:26:27,880 [Martin] Oh, Celia, not in Alfie's room. 543 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:30,560 I've made blancmange. 544 00:26:33,400 --> 00:26:36,000 [Martin and Celia moan and groan] 545 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:47,440 Did you know that apart from us, 546 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:50,840 the only other animal to get sunburn is the pig? 547 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,720 God. Imagine if this got around the school. 548 00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:00,800 We won't tell anyone. 549 00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:02,480 [cell phone beeps] 550 00:27:02,480 --> 00:27:04,400 It's Mitchell. 551 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:07,680 "What's long and hard and covered in green? 552 00:27:07,680 --> 00:27:09,960 Your dad's cock." 553 00:27:10,440 --> 00:27:12,720 Joe? 554 00:27:12,720 --> 00:27:15,960 I might have Tweeted like once. 555 00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,640 [Celia and Martin moan and shout] 556 00:27:36,360 --> 00:27:38,960 Alfred. Rosie? 557 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:42,320 Go with the flow. 558 00:27:43,360 --> 00:27:46,400 - Oh. - [both laugh] 559 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,400 Jolly good, bravo. 560 00:27:51,680 --> 00:27:55,120 Bye, Martin. 561 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,720 Alfred. Rosemary. 562 00:27:57,720 --> 00:27:58,880 - [Martin] Good night. - [Celia] Night. 563 00:27:58,880 --> 00:28:00,200 Good night. 564 00:28:01,880 --> 00:28:04,400 Dad, this is... 565 00:28:04,400 --> 00:28:05,800 Hi, I'm Rosie. 566 00:28:05,800 --> 00:28:09,640 Oh, uh, probably best not to shake my... 567 00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,680 I'm just gonna put these sheets in the washer. 568 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:16,400 I tried to keep a lid on it, but, it's been a while. 569 00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:21,840 Postman Pat's fine, Mrs. Goggins took the brunt of it.