Oh, Alfred, this arrived in the post for you.
Happy Valentine's, pal.
It's not from her, is it?
No. But, I'm sure Mom's thinking about us,
over in Spain with Javier and their children.
Forest fruit?
So, are you bringing anyone to dinner tonight?
Ah, 'fraid not.
Women aren't interested in an old saddo like me.
Do you know, the other day I was trying to remember
the last time I touched a woman's breast.
It was your grandmother's.
She'd asked me to check for a lump.
Oh Dad, TMI.
You don't have to cook for me tonight.
We could go out, lads on the town,
have a few Jaguar bombs.
It's pronounced "Jaeger bomb."
And anyway how many times do I have to tell you?
It's Valentine's Day, people assume we're a couple.
Well, that's not gonna happen this year is it?
Not with your girlfriend in tow.
I cannot wait to meet the famous Rosie Gullivard.
- Gulliver. - She is still coming isn't she?
- [school bell rings] - Um, yeah.
Well, shouldn't you be going in?
[stammers] I might just stay a little bit longer.
Look, trooper, I was a teacher for over 25 years,
and do you know most important lesson I learned?
- Respect is earned, not given. - Dad, just give it a rest.
And for your information, I have the pupils' respect.
[upbeat music]
Ah, Dr. Alfinstein,
stop playing God and meet our new deputy head.
- Hi, Alfie. - Professor Green.
[chuckles] Well, seriously?
As in Professor Green?
[chuckles] Yes, my ex-husband is the feted
Gastroenterologist, Professor Herman Green.
No, Pro Green, the best British rapper
since Brian Harvey, or maybe J from 5ive.
Ah. I'm afraid I'm not very au fait with the rap-hop.
I have, however, just been told
all about Abbey Grove's Wunderkind.
- Smoocher? Aha, Smoocher. - [laughter]
You forgot your lunchbox.
I popped an extra Yakult in there, help settle your tummy.
He's got the... squits.
- Celia? - Martin?
- You know each other? - Know each other?
We did our teacher training together.
[gasps] Must be... 25 years?
[chuckles] What are you doing here?
I pined for a challenge to salvage a struggling school,
get it shipshape, hence Abbey Grove.
- Aye, aye, Cap'n. - [laughter]
- Classic. - No, it wasn't.
How's, um, Herman, isn't it?
Herman and I are no longer...
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that.
Herman never understood that my career came first.
Perhaps that's what drove the naughty
little man into the arms of a young-er lady.
[chuckles]
It's ham and...
- Coleslaw. - Coleslaw?
- Yes. - [school bell rings]
Ah, the call to arms.
Well, I mustn't keep you.
After all, "Punctuality..."
[both] "is the politeness of kings."
[both laugh]
Go.
Well, well, well. Martin Stool.
- [laughs] - Wickers.
He took my mom's name, unsurprisingly.
I can see you've got a whiff of the Stool about you.
Probably the squits.
Well, off to teach my first class.
- Au revoir. - Ferrero Roche.
You seem disappointed.
You thought it was gonna be the real Pro Green, didn't you?
Hey, 'sup, guys?
Sweet threads.
Sir, why are we wearing our home clothes?
Pickwell's dead. From now on, it's ice cream for breakfast, bitches.
Joe, you're worse than my dad. Why are you so chipper?
- He's in love. - [all] Whoo!
Gay!
So, that's why you come as Ollay Murs?
Um, Joseph, what's his name?
Her name is Allison Dear, and she's beautiful.
[scoffs]
"Allison Dear"?
Oh, Allie Dear.
[clears throat]
[both] ♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time she is near? ♪
'Cause her breath smells like a trawler.
[laughter]
Alfie, do you think I should send her a card?
That'd be a first; someone sending a card to Moon Pig.
[laughs]
You're just jealous 'cause you haven't
got anyone to send a card to.
Ooh, Father's Day all over again.
I got this card from Mitchell's mum.
[reads] "Dear Rem Dogg, here's your 20 pound back.
I can't charge you 'cause you were so good!"
And I got a card from your mum.
Giving me back the Wotsits that I paid her with.
"PS, you banged me so hard now I'm in a wheelchair."
Guys, I realize it's Valentine's Day,
but could you please stop flirting?
Speaking of which, where's Chantelle?
- She's seeing the school nurse? - Is she ill?
Sorry, sir, she made me make
a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
[knock on the door]
Ah, Mr. Wickers, could we have
a tête-à-tête in the corridor?
Rem Dogg, by the way, if you have been
sleeping with Mitchell's mum,
I suggest you go and give your cock a thorough clean.
Mr. Wickers, is it my little bêtise,
or does this school have a uniform?
Yeah, a really stupid one.
Hence, I told my kids they can wear what they like now.
[chuckles] You'll think me a grumpy old sourpuss,
but, I do think it lends Abbey Grove
a certain sartorial elegance.
Well, I don't know what that means,
so, shall we just agree to disagree.
Shouldn't one agree to agree with one's deputy head?
I don't really go in for that whole teacher naggy shit.
Me and the kids are mates.
"I," Mr. Wickers, not "me."
I and the kids are mates. But, just go with the flow.
And hey, remember, respect is a dish
best served earned, not served given.
- So, we still on for tonight? - Tonight?
Yeah, you know how ages and ages ago,
we arranged for you to come to dinner
because for some weird reason
my Dad thinks that we're going out?
What? Why does your dad think that we're going out?
Ugh, long story, don't want to bore you with it.
- Try me. - I told him.
- Please do this for me? - I'm seeing Alex.
But, he's really depressed.
If he finds out that I'm unhappy, too,
this could be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Are you saying your father's life is in my hands?
Uh, no, but literary analogy,
you're Ted Hughes, my dad's Sylvia Plath.
I just don't wanna come home and find him
putting his head into a gas oven.
He's not gonna put his head in an oven
if I don't come for dinner.
Yeah, well obviously not 'cause I don't
have an oven in my flat.
He could use the microwave.
Actually, you couldn't use a microwave
because when you try to shut it, your head would stop the door.
He could take it into the bath.
Shower! My flat only has a shower!
[Jing] Sorry, read that essay title again?
"Who first popularized the 'Awooga mantra?'"
- Discuss. - And how is this relevant?
Look, Jing, now that Pickwell's not around
to tell me what I can and cannot teach,
you're gonna notice quite a few changes around here.
Now, scholars are divided into three schools of thought;
Charles, Akabusi, Fash the Bash Fashanu.
But, Dickers, what you doing tonight?
Fash-the-bashing went out to 10-minute free-view?
[Alfie] No, Mitchell.
If you must know I'm going on a
Valentine's Day dinner, with my dad.
I can't work out whether that's
really sweet or incredibly sad.
The problem is, right, I told him Miss Gulliver's my girlfriend
and he wants to meet her tonight, but, she won't come with me,
- so I need a surrogate. - OK, so mainly sad.
My sister might be up for helping you out, sir.
She ain't got a date tonight either.
Really? Oh, wait, do I have to like grab her,
or fight someone in a car park to win her hand?
Nah, just get her a Bargain Bucket. I'll text her now.
Oh, thanks mate. I really appreciate that.
Murs, are you all right?
It's Ally. I was going to ask her out, but, she totally blanked me.
She probably doesn't even realize you like her, mate!
- I just feel so empty. - You don't look it.
Sir, I've got something for you to look at.
Ugh, if you've put undergarments
in my Valentine's card again, I'm not accepting them.
No, sir. Look: I'm pregnant!
Are you sure?
Yep, she showed me the test and everything.
Maybe all that flirting was just a cry for help.
Why didn't I do something earlier?
Talk to her, you're a good listener.
- Sorry, what? - I said you're a good listener.
Yeah, you're right, I shouldn't blame myself.
If anything, I've fulfilled my role as her guardian.
If the finger's gonna be pointed at anyone
it's her peer groups;
whether that's her friends at school or her parents.
Bang on.
Teenage pregnancy foisted upon me already.
Abbey Grove does not disappoint.
[sighs] God, I'm sorry Rosie, I've failed her.
Alfie, calm down. Just call Chantelle's mum.
No way. She's so flirty, plus I think her number's a premium line.
Still, no doubt the whole school can
learn a lesson from her predicament.
The school isn't learning anything.
That, I do not dispute.
I meant from Chantelle.
She's not going public with it.
She's made us all make a BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
Do we know who sired the infant?
Who's the father?
Oh, we don't know, but I guess we'll find out soon.
She's gonna name the baby after its dad.
[laughs]
Sorry, what do you know about Chantelle?
Well, I know that letting pupils...
How did you put it?
"Go with the flow," always damages
the reputation of a school. Full stop.
Yeah, well, I let my pupils "go with the flow,"
because I'm not here to bully them, am I? Full stop.
That's not a full stop, that's a question mark.
You asked me a question.
Whatever, comma, semi-colon, square bracket.
That stupid "and."
He's just upset, Celia.
I think I prefer Professor Green.
[both laugh]
I think I prefer Miss Pickwell. [chuckles]
Alfie, look, just talk to Chantelle, okay?
And I suggest you do so with greater didacticism.
Ooh, I'll be piling on the didackanism by the shed load.
Just as soon as I've Googled it to find out what it means.
[Fraser] Help! Help!
Thanks, Alf. I got stuck.
- Bloody Love Lift. - What is this?
This bad boy is for Abbey Grove's very own Take Me Out.
I'm getting the shy kids off Virgin Rail
and onto the Pum-Tang Express.
A dating show for the kids?
Well, that's gonna be pants.
Actually, wait, can we pick who goes on it?
- Of course. - You know Allison Dear?
Oh, Ally Dear, we can put her down.
I didn't know you were a chubby chaser.
No, not for me. I'm trying to set her up with Joe Poulter.
Consider it done. See, now you likey.
I don't like it like...
It's a shit idea, but,
at least it's better than your tragic online dating.
There's nothing tragic about my date tonight.
The itinerary:
Ice skating, Pizza Sex-press, an apres,
see if we can't find the Willy wagon
somewhere warm to park; beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
[uptempo dance music]
♪ Can't stop me ♪
[indistinct chatter]
Chantelle, I think at some point, we should, uh...
...you know, talk about...
About the baby. Have you told anyone else?
No. BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
Thanks, sir. Oh, I've changed my mind,
I'm naming him after my favorite teacher;
Baby Alfie.
All right, good.
Sir, do you think pregnancy's made my breasts bigger?
[clears throat] I'm just gonna go over there.
Um, Alfie, I feel like there's something I need to make really clear.
I honestly can't come tonight.
Oh. One of those Royal Mail "missed delivery" things.
It's handwritten.
So it is. Royal Mail, the personal touch.
It's your address.
I must live above a depot.
Look, please come.
I know it's a weird situation, but, I'm desperate.
I'm sorry, Alf, I'm seeing Alex tonight.
And if you must know, we're having some problems.
Turns out I do have some issues with my--
[game show theme music]
[applause]
Come on!
[applause]
Calm down, calm down.
Hello, and welcome to Take Me Out.
We've got six lovely ladies gagging for a fella,
and the date of a lifetime on the Isle of...
[all] Fernandoze!
That's it, girls, juj up your hair,
pout your lips, and hitch up your skirt...
Hair again.
Let the Abbey see the Grove.
Single man, reveal yourself!
- [show theme music] - [applause]
It's Reggie Blinker.
[audience groans]
You know how it works, girls; no likey...
[girls] No lighty!
[game bell buzzes]
Oh, God.
This is gonna be a car crash.
- [show theme music] - [applause]
No likey, no light, aah--
[audience groans]
[upbeat music]
Let Mr. Popplecock see the redundancy package!
Probably not the time for this announcement,
but, seriously, we will all miss you.
Single man, reveal yourself.
- [applause] - [banging on door]
[Joe] Help!
Door's a bit sticky.
- [Joe] Help! - Needs a bit of force.
Come on big guy, work with me here.
- [shouts] - [audience gasps]
[laughter]
Oh, my God, he looks like a Smurf.
So, no likey...
- [all] No lighty. - [game buzzers ring]
Yes! Get in there!
Round two. So, what you sets you apart from the crowd?
Um... asthma?
And a big willy! Whoo!
So, why do you wanna be on the show?
Um, I just wanted to ask, um, Ally...
Would you...
What are you doing?
I know it's awfully jolly,
trivializing sexual promiscuity.
Are you from the past?
I mean, who even talks like that?
But, given the current situation...
What situation?
Chantelle Parsons; she's pregnant.
[audience gasps]
What a sleepy goose.
Right. You have no right to talk about that.
Sir? You broke the BFF personal padlock pinky promise.
I'm sorry, I was asking Miss Gulliver for advice.
And you, I told you this was a secret.
[grunts] God, you can be so didactism;
noun, intending to teach with an emphasis on moral instruction.
I can be so didactic, Alfred, the adjective.
Look, it's not Chantelle's fault.
If anyone's to blame for this pregnancy, it's me.
Sir, will you look after me and Baby Alfie?
"Baby Alfie"?
Mr. Wickers!
No, I forgot to tell you.
Dickers is the dad, what a nonce.
Well, at least you're not firing blanks.
It's not mine, you idiot!
I just meant that I'll help look after the child.
Yeah. Sir's trying to be nice, like Jean Valjean in Les Mis.
Yes, exactly like Stephen says,
like the man in Les Miserables.
- Prove it, sir. Sing. - I'm not gonna sing.
Explain yourself, Mr. Wickers.
I, it's not...
Dream a dream, sing.
- Yeah, go on, sir. - Don't.
♪ Chantelle, I shall be the child's guardian ♪
♪ Even though I did not shag you ♪
♪ I have done no wrong, just like Jean Valjean ♪
♪ He stole a loaf of bread ♪
♪ I stand accused of putting a bun in the oven instead ♪
[claps] That was so beautiful.
- Why did you do that? - I don't know.
Mr. Wickers, if you have impregnated this young lady,
I shall be calling the constabulary.
- The police. - No, not the police!
No, Professor Green, please!
Wait!
- I'm not pregnant. - [all gasp]
- What? - I lied.
I just wanted it to look like someone loves me.
And I wanted you to notice me, sir.
Chantelle, you don't need to lie to get my attention.
I'm always here for you.
Yeah. So, back off, Javert.
Alfie, Ally's going on a date with me.
- Really? - Yeah. On Saturday.
We're going to World of Waffles in Watford.
Amazing, mate, well done.
Ooh, and you know what that means.
'Cause I kind of made it happen,
you are indebted to me for the rest of your life.
So, you can cook, right?
Yeah, I know my way around a George Foreman grill.
Will you help me with my dinner party tonight?
Okay.
Sweet. I knew I could count you.
Cheers, mate.
Oi, Vagitarian, get your sister
around mine for around 7:00-7:30.
I'm afraid she ain't coming nowhere near you, mate.
- What? Why? - Well, she Facebooked you.
- We had a deal. - Well, I didn't make your profile picture
some nerd dressed as Gandalf.
[scoffs] Me and the lads were on a pub crawl.
Don't worry, I've got a backup plan.
One of my brother's girlfriends said she'll do it.
You promise me this time.
Yes, Bilbo Bell End,
just text me your address and she'll be there.
Okay, deal.
And FYI, I wasn't dressed as Gandalf,
I was dressed as Sauron, in his guise as
the first Chief Lieutenant to the first Dark Lord, Morgoth,
around the time he overran Erigon,
killed Celebrimbor, leader of the Elven-smiths,
and sealed seven of the nine Rings of Power.
So who's the dickhead now?
Sweet.
Mitchell's brother's girlfriend's on her way.
Here are your ingredients.
Mitchell got it for me.
Alfie, I can cook spag bol,
but, I can't cook bunny rabbits.
Oh, come on, it's easy.
Just shave it, stick and onion up its bum,
and then, put it in the microwave.
Hey, Smooch, groovy news; I've got a hot date.
That's brilliant, Dad, who is she?
[doorbell rings]
Oh, sorry, there must be some kind of a mixup.
Halloween is not until October,
and even then, it's only really the children that dress up as monsters,
so, how about you fuck off and stop trying to ruin my life.
- Good evening, Alfred. - Celia. Aloha.
Let me take your coat.
Shut up.
So, lovely to see you, Martin.
Likewise.
[slow jazz music]
What are you doing here?
Your father invited me for dinner on the Facebook.
Ugh, I don't know what is more sickening,
the fact that you're here or that my dad's on Facebook.
- Poke. - [both laugh]
- Poke. - Poke.
- Glass of vinegar, my lover? - Oh...
So, did you meet Alfred's bit of skirt today?
Oh, I thought Alfie was single.
Hands off. Alfie is dating the famous Rosie Gulliver.
She's coming tonight. It's a double date.
Is she now?
Professor Green, could I have a word with you
in the kitchen about your dietary requirements?
Look, the Rosie Gulliver coming for dinner tonight isn't the real Rosie Gulliver.
- Oh. - My dad's got confused
and now it's too far down the line.
I'm begging you, when you see this girl, can you just...
Go with the flow.
[sighs] My kids'll be back in school uniforms tomorrow.
And you'll stops setting them essays
- on catchphrases from the 90's? - Yes.
And you'll stop teaching us topless whenever it's hot?
Shut up, Joe, this has nothing to do with you.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, that'll be Rosie.
You Mitchell's mate?
His brother sent me.
Oh, shit!
No, Mitchell, your brother is not a player, he is a payer.
She is 100 percent a prostitute.
Hi. I can offer you 20 pounds, some cobble of Royal,
and a rabbit, to make you go away.
- How do you cook that? - Onion up the bum. Bye.
You know, now you've paid,
you can put your onion up my rabbit hole.
[pop music plays]
♪ Magical, so wonderful ♪
♪ When I'm with you ♪
♪ When I'm with you it's a beautiful world ♪
I wanted to car cleaned on the outside and the inside.
They thought I only wanted the outside done.
In the end, I had to vacuum the inside myself. [laughs]
Oh, Martin, that is such a funny story.
"Funny"?
I think you need to check your dictionary app.
[sighs] God, this is the most middle-aged dinner party ever.
Martin, do you like the television program, Mad Men?
[sniffs] I love it.
I think you're a bit of a Don Draper.
Okay, toots. Care for another scotch?
So, that was an American accent?
Dad, you sounded like a Jamaican having a stroke.
My wife went to the West Indies.
Jamaica?
No, she went of her own accord.
[both laugh]
Joe, can you please bring in
some bleach so I can kill myself?
Oops. Someone's a bit T-I-R-E-D.
Cheer up, Grumpo.
Rosie'll pull through, it's only a touch of flu.
Yes, so sad she's not feeling herself.
Look, Dad, I might as will just be honest with you.
- The thing is, Rosie... - [doorbell rings]
Rosie, I thought...
What about Alex?
We've broken up.
Anyway, I just thought that you might cheer me up.
You could tell your face to look a little less happy.
I can't believe you came.
[sighs] Well, you were there for Chantelle,
so, I thought I'd be here for you.
Thanks.
Oh, and you don't need to pretend to be my girlfriend,
I'm just gonna tell my dad the truth.
No, I don't mind being your girlfriend for one night.
Does that mean you'll be sleeping over?
- No. - Sorry, it's just,
I have this Postman Pat bed linen so I would've changed...
- Should I come in? - Yeah.
Pro Green won't know what's hit her.
- Pro Green? - Don't ask.
Dad, Celia, guess who's here?
Hey, Miss Gulliver.
Where are they?
Oh, um, Pro Green wanted to take a look at your bedroom,
so, your dad took her in there.
- He's very drunk. - My bedroom?
[Celia and Martin laughing]
Oh, my God.
[Martin] Oh, Celia, not in Alfie's room.
I've made blancmange.
[Martin and Celia moan and groan]
Did you know that apart from us,
the only other animal to get sunburn is the pig?
God. Imagine if this got around the school.
We won't tell anyone.
[cell phone beeps]
It's Mitchell.
"What's long and hard and covered in green?
Your dad's cock."
Joe?
I might have Tweeted like once.
[Celia and Martin moan and shout]
Alfred. Rosie?
Go with the flow.
- Oh. - [both laugh]
Jolly good, bravo.
Bye, Martin.
Alfred. Rosemary.
- [Martin] Good night. - [Celia] Night.
Good night.
Dad, this is...
Hi, I'm Rosie.
Oh, uh, probably best not to shake my...
I'm just gonna put these sheets in the washer.
I tried to keep a lid on it, but, it's been a while.
Postman Pat's fine, Mrs. Goggins took the brunt of it.