1 00:00:01,120 --> 00:00:04,760 [phone ringing] 2 00:00:04,760 --> 00:00:08,120 Isobel? Hi, it's Chris Tarrant here from Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. 3 00:00:08,120 --> 00:00:09,720 Yeah, we've got your friend Malcolm here. 4 00:00:09,720 --> 00:00:12,000 [Pickwell] An elementary mistake, rookie. 5 00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:15,720 I have no friends, but I do have a very particular set of skills, 6 00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:19,480 a set of skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. 7 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,200 Hello, Isobel, it's Malcolm here. 8 00:00:22,200 --> 00:00:24,400 My million-pound question is, 9 00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:28,400 is Miss Pickwell A] the demon headmaster in drag, 10 00:00:28,400 --> 00:00:33,880 B] Rose MacWest, C] Andy Murray's mother... 11 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:42,680 ....or D] an angry Scottish chicken? 12 00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:45,920 - [laughing] - [clucking like chicken] 13 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:48,840 [clucking] 14 00:00:51,240 --> 00:00:53,360 [upbeat music] 15 00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:23,560 Now, Miss Pickwell has gone missing. 16 00:01:23,560 --> 00:01:26,160 She's done a Klaxons and vanished without a trace. 17 00:01:26,160 --> 00:01:27,960 I don't want to point the finger but it seems 18 00:01:27,960 --> 00:01:31,880 Chickengate may have something to do with it. 19 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:33,160 Mitchell made me do it. 20 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:34,440 You egg him on. 21 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:36,760 That boy brings pranking to a new level, right? 22 00:01:36,760 --> 00:01:39,560 The other day he locked Joe in a cupboard, 23 00:01:39,560 --> 00:01:41,240 then recorded him screaming for help 24 00:01:41,240 --> 00:01:43,800 and set it as the ring tone on Joe's own phone. 25 00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:45,800 Can't change it. [chuckles] 26 00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:46,320 Classic Mitchell. 27 00:01:46,320 --> 00:01:48,240 [laughing] 28 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:49,680 [coughing] 29 00:01:49,680 --> 00:01:51,720 Back to Isobel; the 5-0 have found her car 30 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,520 on the Severn Bridge, Bristol. 31 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:56,160 They're afraid something might have happened to her. 32 00:01:56,160 --> 00:01:57,520 Well, I wouldn't worry. 33 00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,800 They've stopped burning witches. 34 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,280 Even in the West Country. 35 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:05,200 It's a note from Pickwell. 36 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,480 "If you're reading this note, I am dead." 37 00:02:07,480 --> 00:02:09,000 [all gasping] 38 00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:11,320 Oh, my God! 39 00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:15,920 "I am dead. 40 00:02:15,920 --> 00:02:18,800 I've jumped from the Severn Bridge. 41 00:02:18,800 --> 00:02:20,560 But don't blame yourselves. 42 00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:23,840 There is only one person with blood on their hands: 43 00:02:23,840 --> 00:02:25,520 Al... 44 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:36,320 Alan Shearer. 45 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:41,440 He is my least favorite pundit on Match of the Day 46 00:02:41,440 --> 00:02:44,520 whose name is Alan. 47 00:02:44,520 --> 00:02:49,440 I way prefer Alan Hansen. 48 00:02:49,440 --> 00:02:51,800 The end." 49 00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:55,800 Oh, wow, she clearly went completely insane. 50 00:02:55,800 --> 00:02:58,880 I know. Shearer's amazeballs on MOTD. 51 00:02:58,880 --> 00:03:01,200 Ironic, too, jumping into a river. 52 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:02,960 Shearer hates players that dive. 53 00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:04,640 [laughing] 54 00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:06,960 It's too soon. 55 00:03:13,360 --> 00:03:15,240 Thanks very much, guys. 56 00:03:15,240 --> 00:03:16,360 Bloody pigs. 57 00:03:16,360 --> 00:03:17,680 [snorting] 58 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,680 It's a clingy smell, isn't it, bacon? 59 00:03:21,280 --> 00:03:23,320 These suicides don't get any easier. 60 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:25,520 That's the fifth teacher that's... 61 00:03:25,520 --> 00:03:26,800 [mimics gun] 62 00:03:26,800 --> 00:03:28,640 ....since I've been here. Still gets ya. 63 00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:30,160 It's just such a shock. 64 00:03:30,160 --> 00:03:32,640 Well, thank God it's not like poor old Mr. Rawlinson. 65 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:36,520 [whistling] 66 00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:39,000 I mean, an orange in the mouth is weird, but a papaya? 67 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,600 Where do you even buy a papaya? 68 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:41,920 Poor little Jeremy Goss found him. 69 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,600 It has been a battle trying to get him 70 00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:45,120 to eat his five a day. 71 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:48,680 Fraser, Isobel's position. 72 00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,920 Obviously we could never replace her, 73 00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:52,600 she was deputy head of hearts. 74 00:03:52,600 --> 00:03:54,800 But this school needs a Camilla 75 00:03:54,800 --> 00:03:55,360 and that is the ugly truth. 76 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,560 So whilst I find someone full time 77 00:03:57,560 --> 00:04:00,000 I'm going to need an interim deputy. 78 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,720 Someone with people skills, respect from the student body, 79 00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:05,920 a feminine touch. 80 00:04:07,160 --> 00:04:11,200 - Miss G, you're hired. - Oh, wow, me? 81 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:14,200 - Me? - Bullshit. 82 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:17,640 Re: interviewing for the permanent Deputy Head role, 83 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:19,480 I'm going to need another set of eyes. 84 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:21,640 Rosie, you'll be busy interim-ing. 85 00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,320 - Alf? - Yeah, fine. 86 00:04:23,320 --> 00:04:24,960 I guess it is quite important that we find 87 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,400 a permanent replacement pretty pronto, 88 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,000 before the power corrupts you. 89 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,680 Now, what to tell the kids about this mess? 90 00:04:30,680 --> 00:04:32,160 We should tell them the truth. 91 00:04:32,160 --> 00:04:33,960 But suicide can be very distressing. 92 00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:36,320 Let's tell the children a little white lie, 93 00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:37,960 so as not to upset them. 94 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,800 And then the bear 95 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:44,880 just ripped her face off, with one swipe. 96 00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,360 Bloodbath. 97 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,680 Face everywhere. 98 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:51,720 The paramedic found her eyebrow up a tree. 99 00:04:52,920 --> 00:04:56,920 In other news, tomorrow is Morocco Day. 100 00:04:56,920 --> 00:05:03,240 This fez-tival has to be tagine to be believed! Thank you. 101 00:05:03,240 --> 00:05:07,120 [sobbing] 102 00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:22,280 [creepy laughter] 103 00:05:25,400 --> 00:05:27,640 [distorted sound] 104 00:05:30,240 --> 00:05:35,120 [Pickwell] There is only one man with blood on his hands. 105 00:05:35,120 --> 00:05:38,200 Alfie Wickers. 106 00:05:40,560 --> 00:05:43,960 [creepy laughter] 107 00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:52,760 [Joe] Help, help! Let me out. I'm afraid of the dark. 108 00:05:52,760 --> 00:05:54,480 Seriously, please don't leave me in here. 109 00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,480 Can you please tell me how to change this ring tone! 110 00:05:56,480 --> 00:05:58,440 [laughing] 111 00:05:58,440 --> 00:05:59,760 Haven't you finished that yet, babe? 112 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,000 I can't. 113 00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,800 I'm just too upset about Pickwell. 114 00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,360 Oi, Pineapple Studios, wanna know what happens at the end? 115 00:06:05,360 --> 00:06:07,520 - If you dare-- - The boy and the girl both-- 116 00:06:07,520 --> 00:06:09,400 [screaming] 117 00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:10,920 - What happened? - Nothing. 118 00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:12,280 You look well scared, sir. 119 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:14,640 Did you see your in-grown penis again, sir? 120 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:19,440 History. History's all about dead people, so, hypothetically, 121 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:22,640 do you think that ghosts exist? They don't, right? 122 00:06:22,640 --> 00:06:24,800 I believe that when we die, we go to Liverpool. 123 00:06:24,800 --> 00:06:27,400 Yeah, only if you've done some messed up shit. 124 00:06:27,400 --> 00:06:29,600 Trust us. All the dead people talking through Derek Acorah 125 00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,360 always have Scouse accents. 126 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:32,920 [Rem Dogg] I thought I seen a ghost once, 127 00:06:32,920 --> 00:06:34,800 when I was having a sleep-over at Mitchell's house. 128 00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,400 Turned out it was just his mum in her nighty trying to haunt my cock. 129 00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,560 Just 'cause your mum looks like someone drew eyes on a scrotum. 130 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,480 I heard your gyppo mum does palm readings with a happy ending. 131 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:44,560 - Oh, do one. - Enough. 132 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,280 Someone's died. 133 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,120 Can we just give it a little respect? 134 00:06:48,120 --> 00:06:49,520 Thank you, Jing. 135 00:06:49,520 --> 00:06:51,600 Although, I did also hear that about Mitchell's mum. 136 00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:54,680 Do you think Miss Pickwell's gonna come back as a ghost? 137 00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,400 What? What? No. 138 00:06:57,400 --> 00:06:59,800 Why would you say that? 139 00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:02,320 Joe, you don't believe in this ghost nonsense? 140 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,400 Well, I thought I did, 141 00:07:04,400 --> 00:07:07,720 'cause this one night, my room went really cold. 142 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:09,640 And? 143 00:07:09,640 --> 00:07:11,280 Turns out I just left my fridge door open. 144 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,720 Oh... 145 00:07:12,720 --> 00:07:14,480 You have a fridge in your room? 146 00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:19,000 Only for essentials, like water, cheeses, pulled pork. 147 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:25,240 Okay, so say someone did see a ghost, hypothetically... 148 00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:28,280 ...what does it want from me? 149 00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:31,600 To put its unquiet spirit at rest. 150 00:07:31,600 --> 00:07:33,440 Right, in that film where Jing walks out the telly. 151 00:07:33,440 --> 00:07:36,000 Oh, you can watch scary movies now? 152 00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,800 The boy who cried in Toy Story 3. 153 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,960 Didn't cry! I had something in me eye. 154 00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:44,400 Why do I give a shit if Andy's going to college? 155 00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,480 Why did he have to leave Woody behind? 156 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,920 Rem Dogg's right. If you wanna make your peace with Pickwell, sir, 157 00:07:48,920 --> 00:07:52,160 you should put on the most shamazing memorial ever. 158 00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:53,840 We can make it just like Whitney's! 159 00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:55,960 Hashtag "Queen of the Night." 160 00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:59,720 You think that would work? If making my peace with Pickwell's unquiet spirit 161 00:07:59,720 --> 00:08:02,280 is what I wanted to do, hypothetically. 162 00:08:02,280 --> 00:08:05,360 - Deffo. - Okay, right, well, 163 00:08:05,360 --> 00:08:07,400 obviously, I'm not being haunted by Pickwell, 164 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,200 but let's put on a memorial anyway. 165 00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:13,120 Why do you even care, sir? Pickwell was a right bitch! 166 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:16,720 Shhh. She might be listening. 167 00:08:22,640 --> 00:08:24,800 [Stephen] Black velvet drapes, people. 168 00:08:24,800 --> 00:08:26,160 We need it looking like Phantom by break. 169 00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:27,400 Oh, and I want doves. 170 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:28,960 Aren't doves for weddings? 171 00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,360 Black doves, babes. 172 00:08:30,360 --> 00:08:31,760 I've never been to a funeral before, 173 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:33,560 but at WWE Survivor Series, right, 174 00:08:33,560 --> 00:08:35,400 the Undertaker comes out of a coffin, 175 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:37,520 choke-slams Randy Orton, and then finishes him off 176 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,800 with a tombstone pole driver. 177 00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:40,480 Why don't we just do that? 178 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:42,840 I mean, the reasons are literally endless. 179 00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:44,720 Can you just sort out the flowers, please? 180 00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,120 What do I know about flowers? 181 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,760 I swear your sister once sold me some roses 182 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,160 at the traffic lights. 183 00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:50,920 Whatever, Dickers, she's got a proper job now. 184 00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:54,800 Hmm, holds a bucket while daddy washes the windscreens. LOL! 185 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,800 Rem Dogg is asking the art department about Pickwell's portrait. 186 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,400 Great. Can you tell them to go easy on the whole 187 00:08:59,400 --> 00:09:01,520 menopausal child-catcher vibe? 188 00:09:01,520 --> 00:09:03,800 I'll find a picture of her smiling. 189 00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:04,560 Good luck, that's like trying to find a picture of sir 190 00:09:04,560 --> 00:09:06,400 watching One Direction without a boner. 191 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,480 Yeah, or a picture of you with your real dad. 192 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:12,800 Guys, chillax! Music-wise, memorials scream "Candle In The Wind." 193 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:15,960 Ah, perfect. Download an Elton John Best Of. 194 00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:17,720 We're gonna needs loads of emotional music. 195 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,560 Ah, like that one from Gladiator. 196 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,800 You know, the one that he has in the dream. 197 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:25,000 [scoffs] 198 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,680 [singing in falsetto] 199 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:35,800 Please stop. What is it called? 200 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:38,800 I don't know. Why don't you just Shazam my singing? 201 00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,680 [singing in falsetto] 202 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,480 Oh my God, stop. I'll Google it! 203 00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:48,280 [Pickwell] Alfie Wickers! 204 00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,840 Oh, thank God, it's you. 205 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,160 - Hmm. - What's with the hair? 206 00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,720 Oh, it's a very practical style. 207 00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:01,360 You do realize you look a bit like Pickwell? 208 00:10:01,360 --> 00:10:03,240 - No, I don't. - Right. 209 00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:05,840 Now, I need you to come in at seven tomorrow for early detention. 210 00:10:05,840 --> 00:10:09,400 Look, I went over this with Pickwell like a billion times. 211 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:11,560 I'm a teacher, I can't be put in detention. 212 00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:13,520 No, I need you to supervise it. 213 00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:15,240 Well, that's even more stupid. 214 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:17,720 At 7:00 in the morning, babe, I'll be down the gym, 215 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:22,640 pumping iron like a lion in Tring Bannatyne. 216 00:10:22,640 --> 00:10:25,160 And I'm hoping you'll conduct this in a good spirit. 217 00:10:25,160 --> 00:10:28,760 I know you didn't get on, but she deserves a dignified memorial. 218 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,280 Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. 219 00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:32,880 [Stephen] Here's the music you wanted, sir. 220 00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:36,840 [Gladiator TV theme plays] 221 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,560 It's the wrong Gladiator. 222 00:10:41,440 --> 00:10:42,600 Stephen! 223 00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:44,600 Stephen! 224 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,760 To clarify, we won't be playing that. 225 00:10:57,640 --> 00:11:00,200 Remember I'm planning this memorial, so this can't take long. 226 00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:01,880 Sure. Hey, before each interview, 227 00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,400 should I do a short monologue, a few topical jokes? 228 00:11:05,400 --> 00:11:07,840 Fraser, these are job interviews, not Chatty Man. 229 00:11:07,840 --> 00:11:09,160 Fine. 230 00:11:09,160 --> 00:11:11,360 Where did you find all these people so quickly? 231 00:11:11,360 --> 00:11:14,800 - Advert on Gumtree. - Gumtree? 232 00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,920 For many moons now I have been 233 00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,920 the humble scribe of medieval pornography. 234 00:11:20,920 --> 00:11:22,480 He also plays the lute. 235 00:11:22,480 --> 00:11:25,640 Sorry, you know this man? 236 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,880 Met him at Canterbury Market, selling porn from a barrow. 237 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,800 Mm, egad. The Pink Lance. 238 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:34,760 He calls himself the Porn Baron. 239 00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,520 [chuckles] 240 00:11:36,520 --> 00:11:39,760 Oh, but tarry, fair quent-beaver, 241 00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:45,520 what quim-foolery maketh thy Lady of the Lake wet? 242 00:11:45,520 --> 00:11:48,960 And you want to become a teacher because? 243 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,800 To be honest, mate, it's just not selling. 244 00:11:52,600 --> 00:11:54,160 [page tears] 245 00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,400 So your name is Mrs...? 246 00:11:58,400 --> 00:12:00,800 [stuttering] 247 00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:02,560 Phistor. 248 00:12:02,560 --> 00:12:05,760 Fister? Good. 249 00:12:05,760 --> 00:12:07,640 And your first name is-- 250 00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,720 Gay. 251 00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:14,800 Your name is Gay Fister and you want to work in a school full of teenagers? 252 00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:19,400 On your way out, would you mind sending in Mr. Mark Skid? 253 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:22,760 Can you tell us why you were 254 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:26,000 dishonorably discharged from the armed forces? 255 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:29,680 It was Afghan, night. 256 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,480 I was on guard at the camp gates. 257 00:12:32,480 --> 00:12:36,720 Car charges up. Draws level. 258 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:40,400 I see a figure in the passenger seat reach for something. 259 00:12:40,400 --> 00:12:42,440 Split second decision. 260 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:44,920 What would you do? 261 00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:46,200 Shine a torch? 262 00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:47,200 Open fire. 263 00:12:47,200 --> 00:12:48,560 Bang, bang. 264 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,000 Was it the Taliban? 265 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:52,280 The Sugababes. 266 00:12:52,280 --> 00:12:54,840 They were there to entertain the troops. 267 00:12:54,840 --> 00:12:57,320 I'm the reason they changed the lineup. 268 00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:01,560 Mutya, right between the eyes. 269 00:13:01,560 --> 00:13:03,280 [explosion] 270 00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:18,480 If you don't stop running, I'll hobble you quicker than you can say, 271 00:13:18,480 --> 00:13:20,600 "Very steep, secluded concrete stairwell 272 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:24,160 in a CCTV black spot." 273 00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:29,640 Mr. Wickers, Mr. Fraser, don't you have classes to go to? 274 00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:34,000 We need to get a new deputy head ASAP. 275 00:13:34,000 --> 00:13:36,720 I liked that man who looked like Professor Weeto. 276 00:13:36,720 --> 00:13:41,960 Dick Brumhole? Right, as I said to him, Gay Fister and Pat Fanny, 277 00:13:41,960 --> 00:13:44,520 you can't teach in a school with a name like that. 278 00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:45,840 The kids would destroy them. 279 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:48,800 In that case, don't go bat-shoot cray, 280 00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:49,360 but I'm going to ask Miss Gulliver 281 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:52,440 to apply for the job full-time. 282 00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:53,480 [gasping] 283 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,160 [Pickwell] Alfie Wickers. 284 00:13:57,200 --> 00:13:59,600 [wind chimes ringing] 285 00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,520 Who put wind chimes in the corridor? 286 00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:07,320 My bad. I thought they'd lighten the place up a bit. 287 00:14:07,320 --> 00:14:10,800 It's very deathy round here at the moment. Are you OK? 288 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,640 Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. 289 00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,800 Oh, that's a parental cluster f-word waiting to happen. 290 00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:19,280 Oh, I just heard from the family, 291 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:21,600 Isobel's funeral is going ahead at St. Bartholomew's. 292 00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:23,880 So we should send a representative, show our-- 293 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,000 I'll go. Please let me go. I'm definitely going. 294 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:28,960 [church bells ringing] 295 00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:31,240 Through Jesus Christ our Lord. 296 00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,800 Amen. 297 00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:41,920 Sorry, I'd actually like to say some words myself. 298 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,760 If you must. 299 00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,200 [clears throat] 300 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:49,120 Thank you, Your Honor. 301 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,520 We are gathered here today 302 00:14:52,520 --> 00:14:55,920 to remember someone very, very special. 303 00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,680 Someone that will be truly missed. 304 00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,000 Alfie! 305 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,600 - Alfie! - Not now, Joe. 306 00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:04,320 Let me say this. 307 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,120 Izzy... 308 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:10,760 [clears throat] 309 00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:16,280 Is he dead? 310 00:15:16,280 --> 00:15:19,600 Yes, yes, he is dead. 311 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:24,240 But in many ways he is not dead, 312 00:15:24,240 --> 00:15:28,160 because we will all remember 313 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:31,560 our dear old friend, 314 00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,360 whose name is... 315 00:15:37,000 --> 00:15:40,120 ...Old Captain Birdseye. 316 00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,320 Little nickname amongst mates. 317 00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:46,720 Fishy Fingers himself. 318 00:15:48,120 --> 00:15:51,600 Let's raise a glass, and toast a life 319 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:56,320 that was tragically cut short by... 320 00:15:56,320 --> 00:15:57,480 Um... 321 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,520 A fight in a pub? A cross trainer? 322 00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,480 Milking a cow? 323 00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,680 Drink driving! Yes! Of course. 324 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,280 That's how he died. 325 00:16:15,280 --> 00:16:18,200 So let's raise the glass 326 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:23,400 of water or orange juice, or milk. 327 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,480 Amen. 328 00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,120 May the Force be with you. 329 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:39,520 Hey, instead of me interviewing you, 330 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:41,400 why don't you interview me? 331 00:16:41,400 --> 00:16:42,560 To prove that I'm an enthusiastic leader 332 00:16:42,560 --> 00:16:45,000 that can take control of unforeseen situations? 333 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,800 Something like that. 334 00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:49,640 Why did you want to become a teacher? 335 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:51,240 Ah, good question, Parky. 336 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,400 I fell in love with teaching when I saw 337 00:16:53,400 --> 00:16:55,640 that beautiful Robin Williams film. 338 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:56,760 Dead Poets Society? 339 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,520 - No. - Good Will Hunting? 340 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,480 Flubber. I decided to go back to school 341 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:02,880 to acquire the skills needed to build a green, 342 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:06,280 shape-shifting energy source that would help me win at basketball. 343 00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:09,800 [makes bouncing noises] 344 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:12,400 Mr. Fraser, if you don't give me this job, 345 00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:13,440 I'll be forced to explain to the governors 346 00:17:13,440 --> 00:17:17,400 why Abbey Grove is awash with these... 347 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:20,560 Queefs of the Nunnery. 348 00:17:20,560 --> 00:17:23,600 - The Knights of Cumalot. - [chuckles] 349 00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:26,440 "As Arthur did up his chain mail, Guinevere was dallying 350 00:17:26,440 --> 00:17:28,560 with a circle of mysterious wizards 351 00:17:28,560 --> 00:17:31,800 from the East, the Bukake coven." 352 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,520 Okey-dokey. Let's talk about your pension plan. 353 00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:36,160 Hmm. 354 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,400 Stop blaming me, Joe. 355 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,800 Fraser said it was happening at St. Bartholomew's. 356 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,720 He didn't say it was happening next Thursday. 357 00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,320 You go, I'll take this. 358 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:50,600 Wickers! 359 00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:52,800 [snaps fingers] 360 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:56,960 - Get in there now. - On my way. 361 00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:02,640 I haven't got any money, you've already stolen my watch, 362 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:05,680 and last time you wedgied me I swear you fractured my guiche. 363 00:18:05,680 --> 00:18:09,320 [sobbing] 364 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:12,120 I miss her so much. 365 00:18:12,120 --> 00:18:14,360 Why did she do it? 366 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:16,640 Why? 367 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:18,560 It's not your fault, Frank. 368 00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:20,640 It's no one's fault. 369 00:18:26,400 --> 00:18:27,920 Right, now, you go out there 370 00:18:27,920 --> 00:18:30,640 and if anyone asks you what you was doing, 371 00:18:30,640 --> 00:18:33,480 you say I was in here wedgy-ing you. 372 00:18:33,480 --> 00:18:34,880 Will do. 373 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:39,400 In fact, wedgy yourself now, yeah, just in case. 374 00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:41,880 I'm not going to do that. 375 00:18:49,200 --> 00:18:52,600 Come on, you know I give 'em better than that. 376 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:00,800 [underwear snapping] 377 00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,360 [Pickwell] Alfie Wickers! 378 00:19:20,360 --> 00:19:21,440 [gasping] 379 00:19:21,440 --> 00:19:25,440 Help, Alfie. 380 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,320 Oh, my God, major probs with the memorial, sir. 381 00:19:36,320 --> 00:19:39,000 Doves don't come in black. I had to improvise. 382 00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,520 We blacked up some pigeons, sir. 383 00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:41,560 What? 384 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:42,840 This is Pickwell's memorial, 385 00:19:42,840 --> 00:19:44,680 not Jim Davidson's. 386 00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:46,600 Oh, my God. 387 00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:49,800 They look like they've been in an oil spill. 388 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,320 That box is minging. It smells like my nan's flat. 389 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:53,240 I think the boot polish made them a bit poorly. 390 00:19:53,240 --> 00:19:54,840 Funkypigeon.com. 391 00:19:54,840 --> 00:19:57,400 By the way, guys, you look amazing. 392 00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:58,240 I look like Steve Jobs. 393 00:19:58,240 --> 00:20:00,840 This memorial's gonna be so great. 394 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:04,400 Definitely gonna get Pickwell off my back, right? 395 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:06,920 Sir, you do realize that it's highly unlikely 396 00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,600 that you're being haunted by Miss Pickwell. 397 00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,240 I don't know why she'd bother haunting you, sir. 398 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,360 I bet she's lappin' up hell, probably down there now 399 00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:14,800 trying to get Stalin to sign her tits. 400 00:20:15,680 --> 00:20:16,960 Oi, big guy. 401 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:18,160 Don't be upset. 402 00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:20,800 - We all miss her. - It's not that. 403 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:23,400 I've lost my phone. My mum's gonna kill me! 404 00:20:23,400 --> 00:20:26,800 It's all right. It's probably somewhere really obvious. 405 00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:27,680 I'll call it for you. 406 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:30,880 [bird squawking] 407 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,720 [Joe] Help! Help, let me out. 408 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,720 I'm afraid of the dark. Seriously, please don't leave me in here! 409 00:20:37,720 --> 00:20:40,760 Help! I want my mum! 410 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:52,680 [ominous organ music] 411 00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:15,560 Miss Pickwell made me try harder at the things I love. 412 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:17,720 Because she was always on my back, 413 00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:21,760 I can now smoke a Vogue in 30 seconds. 414 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:25,600 I remember when she told me I was in this wheelchair 415 00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:28,680 because I'd sinned in my previous life. 416 00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:30,360 [both] Classic Pickwell. 417 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:32,240 Miss Pickwell asked me to negotiate for her 418 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,800 during some trouble she was having 419 00:21:33,800 --> 00:21:35,480 with a syndicate of Chinese bookies. 420 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:37,360 She'd been unable to honor her debts 421 00:21:37,360 --> 00:21:40,440 after losing thousands of pounds in illegal cock fights. 422 00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:42,800 We became fast friends. 423 00:21:47,200 --> 00:21:48,880 [choking up] I can't. 424 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,400 Grow a pair, Rylan. 425 00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,560 [sobbing] It's all just too emotional. 426 00:21:55,400 --> 00:21:57,400 Hashtag YOLO. 427 00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:01,800 That's all it says. 428 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:09,360 We will now all observe a minute's silence for Isobel. 429 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:12,640 It's beautiful, man. 430 00:22:12,640 --> 00:22:14,240 Stephen. 431 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,640 [♪ "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John] 432 00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,640 Stephen, this isn't "Candle in the Wind." 433 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:25,840 Turn it off! 434 00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:27,520 It's broken! 435 00:22:31,640 --> 00:22:33,480 What the... 436 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:36,120 [yells] 437 00:22:36,120 --> 00:22:38,400 [pigeons cooing] 438 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,720 [all screaming] 439 00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:44,120 Calm down! Stop pushing. 440 00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,160 Everyone make their way to the exits! 441 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:48,760 Everyone sit down! Please! 442 00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,680 Hey! 443 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,600 Oh, that's lovely. 444 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:17,720 God, Isobel sure went through some styles. 445 00:23:17,720 --> 00:23:18,920 Yeah. 446 00:23:18,920 --> 00:23:21,760 Sorry, for being tetchy earlier. 447 00:23:21,760 --> 00:23:24,920 Isobel dying, well, it's affected us all. 448 00:23:24,920 --> 00:23:28,880 I know. It's weird, you know, 449 00:23:28,880 --> 00:23:31,720 I found her so annoying, but now she's gone, 450 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:36,320 I realized I kind of loved her too. 451 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,200 It's the Crazy Frog all over again. 452 00:23:40,800 --> 00:23:41,920 No hard feelings. 453 00:23:41,920 --> 00:23:44,440 Come here. 454 00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:48,960 Oh, I better scoot. 455 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:52,000 Oh, if things get too much for me, 456 00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:55,120 I unlock the art block, stick on Magic FM 457 00:23:55,120 --> 00:23:56,920 and just do something creative. 458 00:23:56,920 --> 00:23:58,520 You should try it. 459 00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,520 [man on radio] And welcome to Magic FM, and have we got a line-up for you tonight, 460 00:24:06,520 --> 00:24:10,960 starting with the 60's classic from The Righteous Brothers, "Unchained Melody." 461 00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:12,480 Here we go. 462 00:24:12,480 --> 00:24:13,520 [♪ "Unchained Melody" by The Righteous Brothers] 463 00:24:13,520 --> 00:24:18,320 ♪ Oh, my love ♪ 464 00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:22,400 ♪ My darling ♪ 465 00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:28,240 ♪ I've hungered for your touch ♪ 466 00:24:28,960 --> 00:24:31,400 ♪ A long ♪ 467 00:24:31,400 --> 00:24:33,400 [screaming] 468 00:24:33,400 --> 00:24:35,360 Get away, get away, get away! 469 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,680 Calm down, Mr. Wickers. 470 00:24:37,680 --> 00:24:40,680 You're a ghost! Ghosts can't speak. 471 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,240 - No, I'm not a ghost. - But you're dead. You died! 472 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,120 - Well, could a ghost do this? - Ow! 473 00:24:46,120 --> 00:24:47,760 - Could a ghost do this? - [shrieking] 474 00:24:47,760 --> 00:24:49,400 Could a ghost do this? 475 00:24:49,400 --> 00:24:51,280 OK, I get the point, you're not a ghost. 476 00:24:51,280 --> 00:24:53,800 But, how? Why? 477 00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,720 Well, because I didn't commit suicide, Mr. Wickers. 478 00:24:55,720 --> 00:24:58,800 But do you know how bad that note has made me feel? 479 00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:02,240 No, but I have enjoyed imagining it. 480 00:25:02,240 --> 00:25:04,520 Tarring and feathering Isobel Pickwell 481 00:25:04,520 --> 00:25:05,920 will always have consequences. 482 00:25:05,920 --> 00:25:08,800 Now listen to me carefully, I need your help. 483 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,360 OK, but can I wash my face first? 484 00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:14,800 I feel like I've received a money shot from Morph. 485 00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:23,920 Your little chicken escapade gave me the perfect alibi. 486 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:26,280 Fake my own death, cash in my life insurance 487 00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:29,400 and get out of this hellhole for good. 488 00:25:29,400 --> 00:25:30,600 Where will you go? 489 00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,640 Well, I've got a pen pal in Argentina. 490 00:25:33,640 --> 00:25:35,000 A German gentleman. 491 00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:37,120 I can't reveal his true identity, 492 00:25:37,120 --> 00:25:41,000 but he goes by the codename of the Beast of Bergandorf. 493 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:46,360 He's a dentist, 90-odd, very courtly. 494 00:25:46,360 --> 00:25:49,880 Yeah. I'm really happy for you. 495 00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,600 But, where do I fit into this? 496 00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:54,400 - I need a thousand pounds. - [chuckles] A thousand pounds. 497 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,280 That's like my life savings, 498 00:25:56,280 --> 00:25:58,800 and anyway, why would I give you a grand? 499 00:25:58,800 --> 00:26:00,120 Because you're the only person that wants to keep me dead. 500 00:26:00,120 --> 00:26:02,680 Unless, of course, you'd like me to return to the school? 501 00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,560 Cash or transfer? 502 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:10,320 Done. Money's in your account. 503 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:15,400 You know, you're gonna be missed. 504 00:26:15,400 --> 00:26:17,440 Even Frank Grayson was devastated. 505 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:19,400 Yes, most def, most def. 506 00:26:19,400 --> 00:26:22,400 He may have got the idea from somewhere 507 00:26:22,400 --> 00:26:26,400 that he might have a little blood on his hands, too. 508 00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,880 [screaming] 509 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,920 Right. How many people did you personally blame for your death? 510 00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:54,120 Hmm. About five. 511 00:26:54,120 --> 00:26:55,800 I like to have a few plates spinning. 512 00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:57,920 You know, see which one breaks first. 513 00:26:57,920 --> 00:26:59,800 OK. 514 00:27:02,560 --> 00:27:04,200 Actually... 515 00:27:05,520 --> 00:27:09,720 Thank you for that memorial, Mr. Wickers. It was... 516 00:27:09,720 --> 00:27:12,760 well, it was quite the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. 517 00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:16,920 In fact, I've only ever really dreamt of such a scene 518 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,840 whilst sitting knickerless on my tumble dryer. 519 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:25,920 Oh, God. Why do you have to leave me with that image? 520 00:27:25,920 --> 00:27:29,960 No one must ever know of our pact, Mr. Wickers. 521 00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:31,600 I trust you, Alfie. 522 00:27:31,600 --> 00:27:36,640 Do not lead the guards to me in the garden. 523 00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,440 Yeah. 524 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,880 Phew. Nothing.