1
00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,560
Babes,
I've missed you so much.
2
00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,560
[Mitchell] Oi, come here,
give it to me, take it off.
3
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,160
[chuckles]
4
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,280
[gasps]
5
00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,760
[Chantelle] OMG.
6
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,000
- Leave me alone.
- You look like Joan of Arc.
7
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,400
Just out of interest,
Friar Tuck,
how are the merry men?
8
00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,360
- [laughter]
- My dad did it.
9
00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,000
What look was he going for?
A young Anne Widdicombe?
10
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,800
Enough about mushroom head.
Guess what I come
back from Malaga wiv?
11
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,640
Your virginity?
12
00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,200
[gasps] Is it like
well spiritual and shit?
13
00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,200
Nah, it's my Chinese order.
14
00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,280
Spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.
15
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,400
Did your parents go ape?
16
00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,400
Nah, I can do what I want now
17
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,400
'cos they're getting divorced.
18
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,640
It's the nuts!
19
00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,200
Which one of them gets
to keep the caravan?
20
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,200
How many times do I have
to tell you, Billy Elliot?
21
00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,360
It's a static home.
22
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,800
It's got wheels on it.
It's a caravan.
23
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,160
- [laughs]
- That means you're a caravan.
24
00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,680
Do they do
Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?
25
00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,400
Where's Alfie?
26
00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,200
Probably sitting at home
trying to chip his dick
27
00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,600
out of a sock with
a toffee hammer.
28
00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,520
Right, if anyone laughs,
they're getting expelled.
29
00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,120
My dad did it.
30
00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,400
[upbeat music]
31
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,400
What's up, homeboy?
32
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,480
Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!
33
00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,800
Mumford and Sons called.
34
00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,200
They want their gay one back.
35
00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,680
Very clever, Grayson,
36
00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,400
but A: the reason you
don't like Mumford and Sons
37
00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,760
is 'cos you're too
young to appreciate
38
00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,120
a good dinner party
anthem when you hear one,
39
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,120
and b: I've got a girlfriend.
40
00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,320
Miss Gulliver.
41
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,840
Did you not get that problem
with your arsehole fixed?
42
00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,520
I can hear it talking again.
43
00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,440
Check her Facebook
status, mate.
44
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,000
Changed yesterday to
"in a relationship."
45
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,120
P-Widdy, you're looking
fit and healthy.
46
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,200
Let me guess, no
carbs before Marbs?
47
00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,520
I went on a moose shoot
in British Colombia.
48
00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,400
What and no one shot you?
49
00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,000
Thankfully no, which leaves
me able to fetch my gun
50
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,440
and murder whatever
monstrosity's nesting
on your head.
51
00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:06,800
Good to see
FC Banterlona stayed fit
during the off-season!
52
00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,360
And how did you spend
your holidays, Mr. Fraser?
53
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,560
Trying to master the art
of lacing your own shoes?
54
00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,160
Oh, no, still wearing
these bad boys.
55
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,240
Every morning I wake
up and thank God
56
00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,240
I still have size five feet.
57
00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,640
Now, first staff meeting of
the new term and as you know,
58
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,520
it's Abbey Grove's
swimming gala this week.
59
00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,160
Which means it
is the sweepstake.
60
00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,600
Ten pounds in?
61
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,800
Winning form teacher
takes the pot.
62
00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,560
Why do we have to
be so competitive?
63
00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,920
We should be celebrating each
and every child taking part?
64
00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,200
Show me the money, woman.
65
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,120
No, I won't, because
I believe very strong--
66
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,600
Hey, babe.
Don't worry, I got this.
67
00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,960
Listen, Izzy, she says
it ain't happenin',
68
00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960
it ain't happenin'.
69
00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,000
I've got your back, babe.
70
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,680
Now, light bulb, ding!
71
00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,600
We all know how the
UK recently hosted
72
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,240
the greatest show on Earth.
73
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,720
- The Olympics.
- Close.
74
00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,400
- The Para-Olympics.
- The what?
75
00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,760
No, Splash.
76
00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,680
I thought we could
end the gala this year
77
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,120
with our very own synchronized
diving competition.
78
00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,760
synchronized diving.
79
00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,440
[scoffs] My class would
rather take a running jump.
80
00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,520
Shame you won't get your grubby
little paws on this money.
81
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,200
Legal bills can
be oh-so-ruinous.
82
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,760
Legal bills?
83
00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,520
Well, I'm presuming you're
not letting your hairdresser
84
00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,200
get away with that?
85
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,200
Cheryl Bowl.
86
00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,760
Back off the bob, bitch.
87
00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,280
And anyway, I bet you
my class win something.
88
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,160
Yap, yap, yap, yap
yappity, yap, yap.
89
00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,600
You're on.
90
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:28,960
Um, sorry, just to clarify,
91
00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,560
I didn't mean
betting actual money.
92
00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,960
Well, if you win a single
event, I'll match the pot.
93
00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,920
That's like
two hundred pounds.
94
00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,800
Well, you could
spend it on Pokemons.
95
00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,400
Why would I spend
it on Pokemon,
96
00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,840
when I've already
caught them all.
97
00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,000
More graceful back and forth,
98
00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,560
Ballroom Banter
with Banton de Beke! Ten!
99
00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,360
[Mitchell]
Japs eye. Scrotum, scrotum.
100
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,000
Guys, you need to bring
your pajamas in on Friday.
101
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,720
Are we having a sleepover?
Can I be the little spoon?
102
00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,680
Uh, no, we are
learning swimming safety.
103
00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,800
Why? We live in Watford,
we ain't gonna drown in a flood.
104
00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:09,520
Yeah, well, you're not.
105
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,480
That is the one advantage
of living in a caravan:
106
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,840
if there is a flood, you can
just move to higher ground.
107
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,800
Well, at least I don't
look like an Amish rent boy.
108
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:17,120
[scoffs]
109
00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,320
Whatever.
110
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,400
Look, we're learning
swimming safety
111
00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,120
so we can all enter
the swimming gala!
112
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,320
But we never do the gala!
113
00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,880
Well, we do now.
114
00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,320
And we are gonna wipe that
smug look off Pickwell's face,
115
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,960
and in doing so,
win me a cash bet.
116
00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,560
And you know what that means?
117
00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,600
Group trip to Nandos on me.
118
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,880
Boom!
119
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,320
All we have to do is
beat Pickwell one thing.
120
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,880
And I reckon we've got
a chance this year,
121
00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,400
because there is a new event:
synchronized diving.
122
00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,880
It's someone's opportunity
to become the next Tom Daley.
123
00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:50,600
Fierce, count me in.
I'll be like Usher with gills.
Hash-tag werk.
124
00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,360
I knew I could
count on you Stephen.
125
00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,120
Now, you're gonna need
to pick a partner.
126
00:05:54,120 --> 00:06:00,000
Unless of course anyone wants
to volunteer themselves?
127
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,680
Jing maybe?
128
00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,320
You peeps are notoriously
good at the old diving.
129
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,480
You mean Chinese people?
130
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,520
No.
131
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,120
I meant people who wear glasses
132
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,000
and are, um, Sagittarius.
133
00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,880
Firstly, I'm Virgo,
and secondly,
134
00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,000
you may think you've
disguised your prejudices,
135
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,120
but you don't fool me.
136
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,400
[chuckles]
Classic Sagittarius.
137
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,920
I'll do it for
a beer at Nandos.
138
00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,480
Done.
139
00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,400
Now, on a separate issue,
I need to do something
140
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,520
rather special for the
ol' ball and chain.
141
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,520
My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.
142
00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,640
We had a little bit of a
lovers' tiff in the staff room
143
00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,400
and I wanna make things right.
144
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,760
I've got a brilliant idea.
I need your help.
145
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,560
Alfie, are you okay?
146
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,400
Joe told me that you'd
been to hospital.
147
00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,400
[soft music plays]
148
00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,360
Yeah, doctor said someone
had stolen my heart.
149
00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,160
You wouldn't happen know
anything about that now,
would you?
150
00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,640
Alfie, we're not
in a relationship.
151
00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,560
Then why did you
put in on Facebook?
152
00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,960
I put that I'm in
a relationship.
Which I am.
153
00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,280
Just not with you.
154
00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,240
I don't understand.
What?
155
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,200
Who, who is it?
Tell me who he is
156
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,520
and I will fight this
tag-nut for your hand.
157
00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,600
- Alex Scott.
- Alex Scott?
158
00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,120
- He sounds shit.
- No, Alex Scott.
159
00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,400
I used to teach her.
160
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,280
Alfie, I really, really
didn't want to have
to tell you like this.
161
00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,400
You're... you're going out
with Alex Scott?
162
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,200
She's, like, 20 and hot.
163
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,120
- Yeah.
- And a girl!
164
00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,160
And sorry, more importantly,
she's your pupil!
165
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,720
Was, years ago.
166
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,400
I don't know what to think!
167
00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,400
I am angry
and aroused and upset,
168
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,880
and mainly aroused,
and confused.
169
00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,200
I didn't think that
the idea of lesbians
170
00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,640
could make me this miserable.
171
00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,560
I just, I just, like her.
172
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,960
I like Joe,
I'm not gonna bum him.
173
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,200
- This is completely different.
- Is it?
174
00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,200
Sorry, what would you be like
if I was like,
175
00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,400
"Oh, last night, I was helping
Joe with his homework,
176
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,920
and one thing led to
another and I just ended up
177
00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,280
tugging him off into
his Encore Tricolore."
178
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,120
I'd say "Why are you
teaching him French?"
179
00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,960
You know what I mean.
180
00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,960
Look, I love you!
181
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:27,320
See all of this:
the petals, the candles,
182
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,400
the Michael Buble.
183
00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,720
Does anyone really
like Michael Buble?
184
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,160
He's just a shit Michael Ball.
185
00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:38,480
Right, I realize
that this is a strange,
186
00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,360
highly emotional time for you,
187
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,760
but how dare you take
this out on the Bube-ster.
188
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,520
She didn't mean it, Michael.
189
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,280
Please don't go, I'm sorry.
190
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,960
Fine! Bye then.
191
00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960
I'm off to find one of
the boys in my class
192
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,160
to see if he fancies a bumming!
193
00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,520
Mr. Wickers.
194
00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,240
These are the Wilsons.
195
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,760
They were thinking about sending
their child to Abbey Grove.
196
00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,960
Shall I show you
back to the car park?
197
00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,960
Sir, why haven't you
dealt with that bowl yet?
198
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,360
Right, for the last
time, it's not a bowl.
199
00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,680
- It's a man bob.
- Not gigi.
200
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,360
And the reason that I haven't
been able to deal with it
201
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,680
is because I've been too busy
202
00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,560
picking up the pieces
of my broken heart.
203
00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,640
[groans]
Miss Gulliver's no biggie sir.
204
00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,960
- Every girl has a minge binge.
- [laughs] Minge.
205
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,680
Maybe the reason
they become lesbians
after they've got with me
206
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,240
is because they know that
it's never gonna get any better.
207
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,400
Like when Sir Chris Hoy
retired after London 2012.
208
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,400
Do you want me to
be your guinea pig?
209
00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,000
You could kiss me
and see if I turn,
210
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,880
like a lesbo Twilight.
211
00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,160
Sir, so what if Gulliver's
exploring her boundaries?
212
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,800
Sexuality ain't a rigid
set of definitions.
213
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,680
It's a spectrum
and we're all fluctuating
214
00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,280
between its many polarities.
215
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,000
Plus, yat on yat is fit, innit?
216
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,840
And he's back.
217
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,760
[Mitchell] Joe's got a chode!
218
00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,640
Guys, can you
hurry up, please?
219
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,880
[Mitchell] Piss off, Saville!
220
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,640
Sir's perving on us.
221
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,880
[Chantelle] I'm ready, sir.
Hope the water's warm.
222
00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,120
I'm not looking.
Chantelle, I told you
to put your pajamas on.
223
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,800
- I sleep naked.
- Go and get
some clothes on now!
224
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,520
This leisure center
is minging.
225
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,160
Joe, you don't sleep
in a duffel coat.
226
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,840
I do when it's cold.
227
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,720
Please don't
make me swim, Alfie.
228
00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,520
Mate, you should be used to
having wet pajamas.
229
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,240
[laughs]
230
00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,120
Is that my shirt?
231
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,800
It's all I could find.
Do you want some breakfast?
232
00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,520
- Look! It's my XXL conny!
- It's a verruca sock.
233
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,200
- Ooh!
- [screams]
234
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,120
Oi, sir, where's the lifeguard?
She better be a sort.
235
00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,920
Don't worry, mate.
They always are.
236
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,800
[whistle blows]
237
00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,840
Oi, Jing.
Get your harpoon out.
238
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,960
I've spotted a whale.
239
00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,280
Sit down,
you grubby little toads!
240
00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,120
- Hi. I'm Mr. Wickers.
- You too.
241
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,560
- I'm the form teacher.
- Sit!
242
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,800
My name is Joy.
243
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,680
Before you begin,
a couple of ground rules.
244
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:35,200
I don't like children,
but I do like my kit.
245
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,440
And take extra special
care of Thomas.
246
00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,200
Oh, her dummy's got a name.
247
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,440
Rules.
248
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,720
No diving, no bombing
and no petting,
249
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,400
of the heavy or
light persuasion.
250
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,600
What's petting?
251
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,760
Why don't you show us, love?
252
00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,400
Give us a kiss?
253
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,880
Do you want a face full
of congenital herpes?
254
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,920
Thought not, squirt.
255
00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,680
And finally, no running!
256
00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,960
We had a lad used to run round,
ended up cracking his head.
257
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,440
He can't run anymore.
258
00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,520
Eats through a tube
and shits in a bag.
259
00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,160
I think what Joy
is trying to say
260
00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,000
is that water can make
this surface very slippery.
261
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,560
Wasn't water.
He tripped on a crutch.
262
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,800
Okay, uh, back to swimming,
263
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,520
has anyone got any
questions for Joy?
264
00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,640
Yeah. Is it true the water
changes color if you piss in it?
265
00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,600
Yeah, it goes yellow.
Tods turn the milk chocolate-y.
266
00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,240
Err! Someone's
done a dump in it?
267
00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,600
Wasn't my fault, you weasel.
I've got a spastic colon.
268
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,640
Speaking of which.
269
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:34,800
[stomach rumbles]
270
00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,000
Sorry, aren't you
gonna help me with this?
271
00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,480
Nature calls.
272
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,400
That Ginster's Scotch Egg
Bar's tipping the concierge,
273
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,320
think it wants to check out.
274
00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,160
Okay, that was Joy.
Charming little thing.
275
00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,560
Right, left,
left, left, right. Halt.
276
00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,560
Right, resuscitation.
277
00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,760
Oi, look, sir,
shag of life!
278
00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:03,920
[laughing]
279
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,760
Mitchell, put that down.
280
00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:11,000
Now, Mr. Wickers has
got it into his septic tank
of a head that...
281
00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,320
[Alfie] Get off it.
282
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,760
...he stands a chance
of competing this year.
283
00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,840
- Get off.
- No, sir.
284
00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,000
Mitchell, stop it.
285
00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,160
Any hole's a goal.
Let's make it airtight.
286
00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,280
[Alfie] Mitchell.
287
00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,800
Thomas!
Get off my husband!
288
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,320
Right, well, I think
we can rest easy.
289
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,120
[Mitchell] She's getting
involved now, sir!
290
00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,720
Stop looking at me.
Cheeky wee bastard.
291
00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,560
Ah! Miss G!
292
00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,120
I'm very concerned about
the swimming gala, Fraser.
293
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,920
Can I interest you in a lager?
294
00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,280
Or a stout?
295
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,760
I tend not to drink
before 10:30 am.
296
00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,560
A selection of guest ales?
297
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,800
Look, Miss Pickwell is
insisting that her children
298
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,400
starve themselves
in order to achieve
299
00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,520
Olympic-standard body mass.
300
00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,240
Darts?
301
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,800
I'm going out with a woman,
Fraser, I'm not a man.
302
00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:08,840
Oh, there it is.
303
00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,280
I had heard you'd kissed
a girl and you liked it,
304
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,200
and that's totes coolio
on so many levels.
305
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,480
Kind of explains why
you've never really wanted
306
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,200
a slice of Fray Bantos pie.
307
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,000
Mm-hm, yup,
hit the nail on the head.
308
00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,320
Yup, so now that
"us" is off the table,
309
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,760
- we can let it all hang out.
- Oh, wow.
310
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,920
Oh new Speedos tend to
have very little give,
311
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,760
I'm just breaking in
the gusset for later.
312
00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,480
Look, this is a point
of principle, Fraser.
313
00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,120
Either you excuse my
class from competing,
314
00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,360
or we will take part in a
non-violent protest at the gala.
315
00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,400
I thought you'd be more
into this swimming lark now.
316
00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,120
Why?
317
00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,280
Claire Balding?
318
00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,400
[sighs]
319
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,280
Mother funkster.
320
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,720
♪ Pump it up ♪
321
00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,800
- [groans]
- [Mitchell] Oi, numb nuts.
322
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,360
Why are you wearing goggles?
323
00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,480
Er, because I have a
severe chlorine allergy.
324
00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,760
I don't wanna get any
splash back from this bad boy.
325
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,720
Wait, you've got webbed feet
but you can't actually swim?
326
00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,400
I know Jing,
God can be a cruel mistress,
327
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,400
it's like giving
the Pope a big willy.
328
00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,400
Right, I am going to throw this
plastic brick into the pool
329
00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,400
and then each of you is
gonna take turns to dive in,
330
00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,760
collect it and then
swim it back to shore.
331
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,120
What eventuality is
this preparing us for?
332
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,560
You know, Jing,
learning is a lot easier
333
00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,920
if you don't ask any questions.
334
00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,200
Okay, so who's gonna go first?
335
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,640
Joe, wanna get it out the way?
336
00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,880
I will.
337
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,520
Alright, Stephen, you're up.
338
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,840
- Oi, Oi!
- [screams]
339
00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,600
[Stephen] Mitchell!
340
00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,400
Mitchell, stop splashing
me, I'm allergic.
341
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,760
I need to throw
the brick in first.
342
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,800
- Get out the pool.
- Come on throw it.
343
00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,840
If you aim at me head it ain't
gonna go anywhere near me.
344
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,760
Mitchell, get out!
345
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,480
Or what, you're gonna
come and get me goggle rash?
346
00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,680
Just throw it you melt.
347
00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,320
Fine!
348
00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,400
- Oh, shit!
- [screams]
349
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,000
- Sir, help him.
- I can't go in, I'm allergic!
350
00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,360
- Quick do something.
- Is he gonna die?
351
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,160
[screaming]
352
00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,360
What?
353
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,560
Where's Joy?
354
00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,520
[Stephen] He's dying.
355
00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,560
- Joy!
- Sir!
356
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,240
Joy!
357
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,400
[Joy] Come on, you bastard.
Work with me.
358
00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,800
[grunts]
359
00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,800
Alright, I will buy
a second beer at Nando's
for whoever saves Mitchell!
360
00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,400
[Chantelle] Right, get in!
361
00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,520
Coward.
362
00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,560
Stephen, you can stop
doing that now. We've lost.
363
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,120
Can't someone
else dive with me?
364
00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,600
We've been over this.
Jordan and Raj are injured.
365
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,640
Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg.
366
00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,120
Girls?
367
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,840
How can you all be on your
periods at the same time?
368
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,560
Women synchronize, too.
Me and Chantelle
started Monday--
369
00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,120
Please don't! We might as well
just accept Pickwell's won.
370
00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,880
Joe's not competing
in anything.
371
00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,960
- I'm on my period, too?
- Blobby's on the blob!
372
00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,600
I told you he had a fanny.
373
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,720
I thought you were concussed?
374
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,440
Oh, me head...
[groans]
375
00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,280
Come on, Joe. All we need
to do is win one event.
376
00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,280
No way.
Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
377
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,800
Why would they laugh at you?
378
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,600
Last year I wasn't
even swimming,
379
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,800
I was just putting
out the lane numbers,
380
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,440
and... Grayson got the whole
school to do the Moob-Bot.
381
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,000
The Moob-bot?
382
00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,280
Oh, that's clever.
383
00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,360
- But you can't let Grayson win.
- But I can't dive.
384
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,320
It's not about diving.
It's about synchronizing.
385
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,400
You do something,
no matter how shit it is,
386
00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,640
he tries to copy it.
387
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,120
We might get lucky.
388
00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,880
But if it's so easy,
why can't you do it?
389
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:46,320
Oh, how many times?
Chlorine is my Kyrptonite.
390
00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,440
One drop of that shit and
I go from Jamie Redknapp
391
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,560
to Harry Redknapp like that.
392
00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,120
Now come on, buddy.
I believe in you.
393
00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,880
We all believe in you.
394
00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,400
Inspire a generation.
395
00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,880
Hashtag YOLO.
396
00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,720
YOLO, Joe, YOLO.
397
00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,920
[all chanting]
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO,
398
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,000
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO!
399
00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,400
Can you buy me three beers?
400
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,720
Everyone can have three beers!
401
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,160
[cheering and clapping]
402
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,520
[Fraser] Well, have a good day.
403
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,840
[parent] Oh, thank you.
404
00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,560
Ah, Mr. Smith.
405
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,760
It's so great to see you
406
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,400
after the racial
insensitivity tribunal.
407
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,640
With hindsight,
I can see that word
408
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,760
is best left to rappers.
409
00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,680
Well, let's just let
bygones be bygones.
410
00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,960
Yes, bro.
411
00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:41,240
♪ Some day ♪
412
00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:48,000
♪ We walk hand in hand ♪
413
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,400
Ladies and gentlemen,
414
00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,880
welcome to the
Abbey Grove swimming gala.
415
00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,440
[cheering]
416
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,960
Now to light the Olympic torch.
417
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,200
Let the games begin.
418
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,320
Oh, no.
419
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,360
[powerful menacing music]
420
00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,720
Don't panic.
Everything's fine.
421
00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,320
Everything's fine.
Everything's cool.
422
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,400
Don't panic.
Everything's fine.
423
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,240
Do not worry.
Oh, God, it's really hot.
424
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,480
Help! Help!
425
00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,720
Help!
426
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,240
[air horn]
427
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,760
♪ We shall
We shall not be-- ♪
428
00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,280
- [air horn]
- [screams] Oh, my God.
429
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,120
Stuck, is it?
430
00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,120
Stand back.
431
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:31,680
Sometimes there's no substitute
for a little bit of man power.
432
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,800
Any minute now, it'll just drop.
433
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,760
It's a stubborn one.
434
00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,320
[groans]
Shit.
435
00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,920
Um, I haven't actually
put my money in it.
436
00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,800
Oh.
437
00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,400
That'd be why nothing's
coming out then.
438
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:07,400
FYI, your, uh, little
minge binge, not my fault.
439
00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,200
I've checked with loads
of my ex-girlfriends,
440
00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,120
and they're all still straight.
441
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,840
Checked?
What do you mean "checked"?
442
00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,560
I asked them if they were gay.
443
00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,200
Not straight out,
I'm subtle like.
444
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,160
What did you ask them?
445
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,840
Timbaland. Music producer
or formal evening footwear?
446
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,800
- You're intimidated.
- No, I'm not.
447
00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,960
I just think that, you know,
you might be, uh, missing out.
448
00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,840
[laughs]
449
00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,800
I'm not missing out.
450
00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,920
No, because, sex with Alex
451
00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,880
is a sensual awakening.
452
00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:51,000
Wave upon wave
of mind-blowing orgasms.
453
00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,840
She's a volcano of pleasure.
454
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,400
Very clever.
455
00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,120
Very clever indeed.
456
00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:08,160
Get your own back by
giving me an erection
457
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,600
at a children's swimming gala.
458
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,760
Oh, Lord.
459
00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,000
[crowd chanting] Dive, dive,
dive, dive, dive, dive.
460
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,880
I don't care if you're
dying of starvation,
461
00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,000
your bingo wings are not
gonna mess up this entry.
462
00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,880
Miss, I feel--
463
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,400
You do not feel, you dive.
464
00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,640
Are you alright?
465
00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,880
Sir, we need to call security,
466
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,960
I've seen a suspicious package.
467
00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960
[groans]
Pickwell's camel toe.
468
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,920
Toe? That's a whole hoof.
469
00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,200
[audience cheering]
470
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,240
[audience clap half-heartedly]
471
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,840
Zero?
472
00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,520
Are you out of your
tiny little minds?
473
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,800
There was no synchronization.
474
00:22:58,800 --> 00:22:59,880
Yes!
475
00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,160
Look, it's easy.
476
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,800
Just keep it simple.
Keep it synchronized.
477
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,120
I can't! I can't take my top off
in front of the whole school.
478
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,720
Everyone's gonna laugh.
479
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:14,000
Ignore them, Joe. Look, no one
is happy about their bodies.
480
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,800
You really think that this
481
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,200
is ever gonna win Heat's
torso of the week?
482
00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,600
No, but they might
bring back Circle of Shame
for those nipples.
483
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,800
Stephen, could you just
go and sort out the music?
484
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:25,600
This dive is happening!
485
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,760
Look, mate, beauty
is more than skin-deep.
486
00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,360
You are like...
487
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,280
...a Ginster's Scotch Egg Bar.
488
00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:43,800
Yeah. On the outside you're
not traditionally beautiful,
489
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,840
but inside, inside you're
pretty damn special.
490
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,840
[thumping]
491
00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,840
Ow! My ankle!
492
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,960
This witch tripped me!
493
00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,800
I said no running.
494
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,960
No way.
Right, that's it.
495
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,200
Shit's getting real.
496
00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,360
Alfie, what about
your chlorine allergy?
497
00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,000
You know what, Joe, some day...
498
00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,360
...we've all got to
face up to our fears.
499
00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,320
You with me?
500
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,000
[Grayson] Oi, chicken dipper!
501
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,000
That's the spirit.
Lock and load.
502
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,920
What happened to not
being ashamed of your body?
503
00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,880
Joe, there are
some shortcomings
504
00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,560
that no man will ever get over.
505
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,600
Put it down.
506
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,800
[girls] Come on, sir.
507
00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,000
Come on, Joe.
Come on.
508
00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920
Are you sure
about this, Alfie?
509
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,560
Yeah.
How bad can it be, right?
510
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,400
- Bob bump?
- Bob bump.
511
00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,920
[crowd chanting indistinct]
512
00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,120
[hip-hop music plays]
513
00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,400
♪ I like your skin, like
your hair, like your body ♪
514
00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,600
♪ Like the way you're
looking really tasty ♪
515
00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,560
♪ Just follow me,
follow you, I don't mind ♪
516
00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,800
♪ I'm looking for
a yes, not maybe ♪
517
00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,200
♪ Put your hands
up in the sky ♪
518
00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,680
♪ I wanna take you high ♪
519
00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,600
♪ I wanna show you
we can live the life ♪
520
00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,800
♪ To the top
let's take a dive ♪
521
00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,400
- Yes!
- Yes!
522
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,880
Oh, my chlorine allergy.
It's vanished!
523
00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,280
I feel fine!
524
00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,920
Honestly, guys, how bad is it?
525
00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,360
Not bad at all.
526
00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,400
Oh, my God, you look minging.
527
00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,840
But, no worse than normal.
528
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,400
You look fine, sir.
Really.
529
00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,800
You better get in a hot shower
and some dry clothes, sir.
530
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,000
Ooh, I'll help get
your trunks off.
531
00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,800
[yelps]
I think I can cope.
532
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,280
Thank you, Chantelle.
533
00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,120
[evil laugh]
534
00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:17,240
Is there somebody there?
535
00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,320
- Where are my clothes?
- [Grayson] Nice face, Downton.
536
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:22,720
Seriously, Frank.
537
00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,480
I am not in the mood for this.
538
00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,880
- Thunderbirds are go!
- What?
539
00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,440
- [Alfie screams]
- [laughter]
540
00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,800
Give me my towel back!
[screams]
541
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:32,840
[Grayson laughs]
542
00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,320
This isn't funny.
543
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,760
- Seriously, guys.
- Come on, sir.
544
00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,360
- This is not funny!
- Alfie?
545
00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:44,520
[shrieks]
546
00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:47,680
Hello?
547
00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:48,840
Rosie?
548
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,560
We're in the lobby, aren't we?
549
00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,320
- Yeah.
- Shit.
550
00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,400
This is my recurring nightmare.
551
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,280
- Is he okay?
- Oh.
552
00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,000
Is this?
553
00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:05,280
Yes, this must be
the famous Alex.
554
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:10,600
How wonderful to
finally meet you.
555
00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,880
[clears throat]
556
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,600
No.
557
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,840
It's like that, is it?
558
00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,400
You are making a
spectacle of yourself.
559
00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,280
Go and put some clothes on.
560
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,320
Oh, sorry. You think I'm
embarrassed about my body?
561
00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:28,760
Please! Darling, you just
can't handle being reminded
562
00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:30,120
of what you could have had.
563
00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:31,200
[clears throat]
564
00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,600
[yelps]
565
00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,520
[kids laugh]
566
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,800
- Come on then.
- [Chantelle] Sir...
567
00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,760
Take a photo,
it'll last longer.
568
00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,520
No, that's a figure of speech.
I didn't mean it!
569
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:46,480
[camera clicks]
570
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,360
- Stop it! Mitchell!
- Sir!
571
00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,480
I promise it's me. Please?
572
00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:07,000
I've gotta buy
those guys 30 beers.