1 00:00:02,600 --> 00:00:04,560 Babes, I've missed you so much. 2 00:00:06,400 --> 00:00:08,560 [Mitchell] Oi, come here, give it to me, take it off. 3 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,160 [chuckles] 4 00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,280 [gasps] 5 00:00:18,400 --> 00:00:20,760 [Chantelle] OMG. 6 00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:23,000 - Leave me alone. - You look like Joan of Arc. 7 00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:25,400 Just out of interest, Friar Tuck, how are the merry men? 8 00:00:25,400 --> 00:00:27,360 - [laughter] - My dad did it. 9 00:00:27,360 --> 00:00:30,000 What look was he going for? A young Anne Widdicombe? 10 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,800 Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga wiv? 11 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,640 Your virginity? 12 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,200 [gasps] Is it like well spiritual and shit? 13 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,200 Nah, it's my Chinese order. 14 00:00:39,200 --> 00:00:41,280 Spring rolls, prawn toast, duck. 15 00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:42,400 Did your parents go ape? 16 00:00:42,400 --> 00:00:43,400 Nah, I can do what I want now 17 00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,400 'cos they're getting divorced. 18 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:45,640 It's the nuts! 19 00:00:45,640 --> 00:00:47,200 Which one of them gets to keep the caravan? 20 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,200 How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot? 21 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,360 It's a static home. 22 00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:52,800 It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan. 23 00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,160 - [laughs] - That means you're a caravan. 24 00:00:54,160 --> 00:00:55,680 Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce? 25 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,400 Where's Alfie? 26 00:00:57,400 --> 00:00:58,200 Probably sitting at home trying to chip his dick 27 00:00:58,200 --> 00:00:59,600 out of a sock with a toffee hammer. 28 00:01:01,560 --> 00:01:04,520 Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled. 29 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:08,120 My dad did it. 30 00:01:08,120 --> 00:01:11,400 [upbeat music] 31 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:48,400 What's up, homeboy? 32 00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,480 Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy! 33 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:54,800 Mumford and Sons called. 34 00:01:54,800 --> 00:01:56,200 They want their gay one back. 35 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,680 Very clever, Grayson, 36 00:01:57,680 --> 00:02:00,400 but A: the reason you don't like Mumford and Sons 37 00:02:00,400 --> 00:02:01,760 is 'cos you're too young to appreciate 38 00:02:01,760 --> 00:02:04,120 a good dinner party anthem when you hear one, 39 00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:07,120 and b: I've got a girlfriend. 40 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:08,320 Miss Gulliver. 41 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,840 Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed? 42 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:14,520 I can hear it talking again. 43 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,440 Check her Facebook status, mate. 44 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,000 Changed yesterday to "in a relationship." 45 00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:50,120 P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy. 46 00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,200 Let me guess, no carbs before Marbs? 47 00:02:52,200 --> 00:02:54,520 I went on a moose shoot in British Colombia. 48 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:56,400 What and no one shot you? 49 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,000 Thankfully no, which leaves me able to fetch my gun 50 00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:02,440 and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head. 51 00:03:02,440 --> 00:03:06,800 Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season! 52 00:03:06,800 --> 00:03:08,360 And how did you spend your holidays, Mr. Fraser? 53 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,560 Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes? 54 00:03:10,560 --> 00:03:12,160 Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys. 55 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,240 Every morning I wake up and thank God 56 00:03:14,240 --> 00:03:16,240 I still have size five feet. 57 00:03:16,240 --> 00:03:19,640 Now, first staff meeting of the new term and as you know, 58 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,520 it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week. 59 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:25,160 Which means it is the sweepstake. 60 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:26,600 Ten pounds in? 61 00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,800 Winning form teacher takes the pot. 62 00:03:30,560 --> 00:03:33,560 Why do we have to be so competitive? 63 00:03:33,560 --> 00:03:36,920 We should be celebrating each and every child taking part? 64 00:03:36,920 --> 00:03:38,200 Show me the money, woman. 65 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,120 No, I won't, because I believe very strong-- 66 00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:42,600 Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this. 67 00:03:42,600 --> 00:03:45,960 Listen, Izzy, she says it ain't happenin', 68 00:03:45,960 --> 00:03:47,960 it ain't happenin'. 69 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,000 I've got your back, babe. 70 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,680 Now, light bulb, ding! 71 00:03:51,680 --> 00:03:53,600 We all know how the UK recently hosted 72 00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:55,240 the greatest show on Earth. 73 00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:56,720 - The Olympics. - Close. 74 00:03:56,720 --> 00:03:58,400 - The Para-Olympics. - The what? 75 00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,760 No, Splash. 76 00:03:59,760 --> 00:04:01,680 I thought we could end the gala this year 77 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:04,120 with our very own synchronized diving competition. 78 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,760 synchronized diving. 79 00:04:05,760 --> 00:04:08,440 [scoffs] My class would rather take a running jump. 80 00:04:08,440 --> 00:04:11,520 Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money. 81 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:14,200 Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous. 82 00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:15,760 Legal bills? 83 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,520 Well, I'm presuming you're not letting your hairdresser 84 00:04:17,520 --> 00:04:19,200 get away with that? 85 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,200 Cheryl Bowl. 86 00:04:20,200 --> 00:04:21,760 Back off the bob, bitch. 87 00:04:21,760 --> 00:04:24,280 And anyway, I bet you my class win something. 88 00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:26,160 Yap, yap, yap, yap yappity, yap, yap. 89 00:04:26,160 --> 00:04:27,600 You're on. 90 00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:28,960 Um, sorry, just to clarify, 91 00:04:28,960 --> 00:04:30,560 I didn't mean betting actual money. 92 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:34,960 Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot. 93 00:04:34,960 --> 00:04:36,920 That's like two hundred pounds. 94 00:04:36,920 --> 00:04:40,800 Well, you could spend it on Pokemons. 95 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,400 Why would I spend it on Pokemon, 96 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:44,840 when I've already caught them all. 97 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,000 More graceful back and forth, 98 00:04:47,000 --> 00:04:50,560 Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke! Ten! 99 00:04:52,840 --> 00:04:55,360 [Mitchell] Japs eye. Scrotum, scrotum. 100 00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,000 Guys, you need to bring your pajamas in on Friday. 101 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,720 Are we having a sleepover? Can I be the little spoon? 102 00:05:02,720 --> 00:05:05,680 Uh, no, we are learning swimming safety. 103 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,800 Why? We live in Watford, we ain't gonna drown in a flood. 104 00:05:08,800 --> 00:05:09,520 Yeah, well, you're not. 105 00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,480 That is the one advantage of living in a caravan: 106 00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,840 if there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground. 107 00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:16,800 Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy. 108 00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:17,120 [scoffs] 109 00:05:17,120 --> 00:05:18,320 Whatever. 110 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,400 Look, we're learning swimming safety 111 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,120 so we can all enter the swimming gala! 112 00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,320 But we never do the gala! 113 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,880 Well, we do now. 114 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:28,320 And we are gonna wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face, 115 00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,960 and in doing so, win me a cash bet. 116 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:32,560 And you know what that means? 117 00:05:32,560 --> 00:05:34,600 Group trip to Nandos on me. 118 00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:35,880 Boom! 119 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,320 All we have to do is beat Pickwell one thing. 120 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:38,880 And I reckon we've got a chance this year, 121 00:05:38,880 --> 00:05:42,400 because there is a new event: synchronized diving. 122 00:05:42,400 --> 00:05:45,880 It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley. 123 00:05:45,880 --> 00:05:50,600 Fierce, count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hash-tag werk. 124 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,360 I knew I could count on you Stephen. 125 00:05:52,360 --> 00:05:54,120 Now, you're gonna need to pick a partner. 126 00:05:54,120 --> 00:06:00,000 Unless of course anyone wants to volunteer themselves? 127 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:03,680 Jing maybe? 128 00:06:03,680 --> 00:06:07,320 You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving. 129 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,480 You mean Chinese people? 130 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:09,520 No. 131 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,120 I meant people who wear glasses 132 00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:15,000 and are, um, Sagittarius. 133 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,880 Firstly, I'm Virgo, and secondly, 134 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,000 you may think you've disguised your prejudices, 135 00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,120 but you don't fool me. 136 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:23,400 [chuckles] Classic Sagittarius. 137 00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,920 I'll do it for a beer at Nandos. 138 00:06:24,920 --> 00:06:26,480 Done. 139 00:06:26,480 --> 00:06:29,400 Now, on a separate issue, I need to do something 140 00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,520 rather special for the ol' ball and chain. 141 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:36,520 My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver. 142 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:39,640 We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room 143 00:06:39,640 --> 00:06:42,400 and I wanna make things right. 144 00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,760 I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help. 145 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,560 Alfie, are you okay? 146 00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:52,400 Joe told me that you'd been to hospital. 147 00:06:52,400 --> 00:06:54,400 [soft music plays] 148 00:06:54,400 --> 00:06:58,360 Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart. 149 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,160 You wouldn't happen know anything about that now, would you? 150 00:07:01,160 --> 00:07:04,640 Alfie, we're not in a relationship. 151 00:07:04,640 --> 00:07:06,560 Then why did you put in on Facebook? 152 00:07:06,560 --> 00:07:09,960 I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am. 153 00:07:11,120 --> 00:07:12,280 Just not with you. 154 00:07:12,280 --> 00:07:15,240 I don't understand. What? 155 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:19,200 Who, who is it? Tell me who he is 156 00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,520 and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand. 157 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,600 - Alex Scott. - Alex Scott? 158 00:07:24,600 --> 00:07:27,120 - He sounds shit. - No, Alex Scott. 159 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,400 I used to teach her. 160 00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,280 Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this. 161 00:07:31,280 --> 00:07:34,400 You're... you're going out with Alex Scott? 162 00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:37,200 She's, like, 20 and hot. 163 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,120 - Yeah. - And a girl! 164 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,160 And sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil! 165 00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,720 Was, years ago. 166 00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,400 I don't know what to think! 167 00:07:46,400 --> 00:07:51,400 I am angry and aroused and upset, 168 00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,880 and mainly aroused, and confused. 169 00:07:54,880 --> 00:07:57,200 I didn't think that the idea of lesbians 170 00:07:57,200 --> 00:07:58,640 could make me this miserable. 171 00:07:58,640 --> 00:08:00,560 I just, I just, like her. 172 00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:02,960 I like Joe, I'm not gonna bum him. 173 00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,200 - This is completely different. - Is it? 174 00:08:05,200 --> 00:08:07,200 Sorry, what would you be like if I was like, 175 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,400 "Oh, last night, I was helping Joe with his homework, 176 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:11,920 and one thing led to another and I just ended up 177 00:08:11,920 --> 00:08:14,280 tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore." 178 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:16,120 I'd say "Why are you teaching him French?" 179 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,960 You know what I mean. 180 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,960 Look, I love you! 181 00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:27,320 See all of this: the petals, the candles, 182 00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,400 the Michael Buble. 183 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:31,720 Does anyone really like Michael Buble? 184 00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:34,160 He's just a shit Michael Ball. 185 00:08:34,160 --> 00:08:38,480 Right, I realize that this is a strange, 186 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:40,360 highly emotional time for you, 187 00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:43,760 but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster. 188 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:46,520 She didn't mean it, Michael. 189 00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:51,280 Please don't go, I'm sorry. 190 00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,960 Fine! Bye then. 191 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:56,960 I'm off to find one of the boys in my class 192 00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,160 to see if he fancies a bumming! 193 00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:00,520 Mr. Wickers. 194 00:09:04,600 --> 00:09:06,240 These are the Wilsons. 195 00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,760 They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove. 196 00:09:09,760 --> 00:09:11,960 Shall I show you back to the car park? 197 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:29,960 Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet? 198 00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,360 Right, for the last time, it's not a bowl. 199 00:09:32,360 --> 00:09:34,680 - It's a man bob. - Not gigi. 200 00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:36,360 And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it 201 00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:37,680 is because I've been too busy 202 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,560 picking up the pieces of my broken heart. 203 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:41,640 [groans] Miss Gulliver's no biggie sir. 204 00:09:41,640 --> 00:09:43,960 - Every girl has a minge binge. - [laughs] Minge. 205 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,680 Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me 206 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:49,240 is because they know that it's never gonna get any better. 207 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,400 Like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012. 208 00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,400 Do you want me to be your guinea pig? 209 00:09:53,400 --> 00:09:55,000 You could kiss me and see if I turn, 210 00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:56,880 like a lesbo Twilight. 211 00:09:56,880 --> 00:09:59,160 Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries? 212 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:01,800 Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions. 213 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,680 It's a spectrum and we're all fluctuating 214 00:10:02,680 --> 00:10:04,280 between its many polarities. 215 00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,000 Plus, yat on yat is fit, innit? 216 00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,840 And he's back. 217 00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,760 [Mitchell] Joe's got a chode! 218 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:13,640 Guys, can you hurry up, please? 219 00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,880 [Mitchell] Piss off, Saville! 220 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:16,640 Sir's perving on us. 221 00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:19,880 [Chantelle] I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm. 222 00:10:19,880 --> 00:10:23,120 I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pajamas on. 223 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,800 - I sleep naked. - Go and get some clothes on now! 224 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:28,520 This leisure center is minging. 225 00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,160 Joe, you don't sleep in a duffel coat. 226 00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:33,840 I do when it's cold. 227 00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:35,720 Please don't make me swim, Alfie. 228 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,520 Mate, you should be used to having wet pajamas. 229 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:39,240 [laughs] 230 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:44,120 Is that my shirt? 231 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,800 It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast? 232 00:10:46,800 --> 00:10:49,520 - Look! It's my XXL conny! - It's a verruca sock. 233 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,200 - Ooh! - [screams] 234 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:53,120 Oi, sir, where's the lifeguard? She better be a sort. 235 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:55,920 Don't worry, mate. They always are. 236 00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:57,800 [whistle blows] 237 00:11:13,400 --> 00:11:14,840 Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out. 238 00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:15,960 I've spotted a whale. 239 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,280 Sit down, you grubby little toads! 240 00:11:19,440 --> 00:11:22,120 - Hi. I'm Mr. Wickers. - You too. 241 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,560 - I'm the form teacher. - Sit! 242 00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,800 My name is Joy. 243 00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,680 Before you begin, a couple of ground rules. 244 00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:35,200 I don't like children, but I do like my kit. 245 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,440 And take extra special care of Thomas. 246 00:11:38,440 --> 00:11:40,200 Oh, her dummy's got a name. 247 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,440 Rules. 248 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,720 No diving, no bombing and no petting, 249 00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,400 of the heavy or light persuasion. 250 00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,600 What's petting? 251 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:48,760 Why don't you show us, love? 252 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,400 Give us a kiss? 253 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,880 Do you want a face full of congenital herpes? 254 00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,920 Thought not, squirt. 255 00:11:54,920 --> 00:11:56,680 And finally, no running! 256 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:59,960 We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head. 257 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:01,440 He can't run anymore. 258 00:12:01,440 --> 00:12:04,520 Eats through a tube and shits in a bag. 259 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:08,160 I think what Joy is trying to say 260 00:12:08,160 --> 00:12:11,000 is that water can make this surface very slippery. 261 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:14,560 Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch. 262 00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:18,800 Okay, uh, back to swimming, 263 00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:21,520 has anyone got any questions for Joy? 264 00:12:21,520 --> 00:12:24,640 Yeah. Is it true the water changes color if you piss in it? 265 00:12:24,640 --> 00:12:27,600 Yeah, it goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolate-y. 266 00:12:27,600 --> 00:12:29,240 Err! Someone's done a dump in it? 267 00:12:29,240 --> 00:12:32,600 Wasn't my fault, you weasel. I've got a spastic colon. 268 00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:33,640 Speaking of which. 269 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:34,800 [stomach rumbles] 270 00:12:37,120 --> 00:12:40,000 Sorry, aren't you gonna help me with this? 271 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,480 Nature calls. 272 00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:44,400 That Ginster's Scotch Egg Bar's tipping the concierge, 273 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,320 think it wants to check out. 274 00:12:48,480 --> 00:12:52,160 Okay, that was Joy. Charming little thing. 275 00:12:52,160 --> 00:12:56,560 Right, left, left, left, right. Halt. 276 00:12:58,400 --> 00:13:00,560 Right, resuscitation. 277 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:02,760 Oi, look, sir, shag of life! 278 00:13:02,760 --> 00:13:03,920 [laughing] 279 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,760 Mitchell, put that down. 280 00:13:05,760 --> 00:13:11,000 Now, Mr. Wickers has got it into his septic tank of a head that... 281 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:12,320 [Alfie] Get off it. 282 00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:14,760 ...he stands a chance of competing this year. 283 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:15,840 - Get off. - No, sir. 284 00:13:15,840 --> 00:13:18,000 Mitchell, stop it. 285 00:13:18,000 --> 00:13:20,160 Any hole's a goal. Let's make it airtight. 286 00:13:20,160 --> 00:13:21,280 [Alfie] Mitchell. 287 00:13:21,280 --> 00:13:23,800 Thomas! Get off my husband! 288 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:29,320 Right, well, I think we can rest easy. 289 00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:33,120 [Mitchell] She's getting involved now, sir! 290 00:13:33,120 --> 00:13:35,720 Stop looking at me. Cheeky wee bastard. 291 00:13:39,720 --> 00:13:41,560 Ah! Miss G! 292 00:13:41,560 --> 00:13:44,120 I'm very concerned about the swimming gala, Fraser. 293 00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:46,920 Can I interest you in a lager? 294 00:13:46,920 --> 00:13:49,280 Or a stout? 295 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,760 I tend not to drink before 10:30 am. 296 00:13:51,760 --> 00:13:53,560 A selection of guest ales? 297 00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:56,800 Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting that her children 298 00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:59,400 starve themselves in order to achieve 299 00:13:59,400 --> 00:14:01,520 Olympic-standard body mass. 300 00:14:02,840 --> 00:14:04,240 Darts? 301 00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:07,800 I'm going out with a woman, Fraser, I'm not a man. 302 00:14:07,800 --> 00:14:08,840 Oh, there it is. 303 00:14:08,840 --> 00:14:11,280 I had heard you'd kissed a girl and you liked it, 304 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,200 and that's totes coolio on so many levels. 305 00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,480 Kind of explains why you've never really wanted 306 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,200 a slice of Fray Bantos pie. 307 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,000 Mm-hm, yup, hit the nail on the head. 308 00:14:20,000 --> 00:14:23,320 Yup, so now that "us" is off the table, 309 00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:25,760 - we can let it all hang out. - Oh, wow. 310 00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,920 Oh new Speedos tend to have very little give, 311 00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,760 I'm just breaking in the gusset for later. 312 00:14:30,760 --> 00:14:33,480 Look, this is a point of principle, Fraser. 313 00:14:33,480 --> 00:14:36,120 Either you excuse my class from competing, 314 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:39,360 or we will take part in a non-violent protest at the gala. 315 00:14:39,360 --> 00:14:41,400 I thought you'd be more into this swimming lark now. 316 00:14:41,400 --> 00:14:43,120 Why? 317 00:14:43,120 --> 00:14:44,280 Claire Balding? 318 00:14:45,440 --> 00:14:47,400 [sighs] 319 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,280 Mother funkster. 320 00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,720 ♪ Pump it up ♪ 321 00:14:53,720 --> 00:14:55,800 - [groans] - [Mitchell] Oi, numb nuts. 322 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:56,360 Why are you wearing goggles? 323 00:14:56,360 --> 00:14:58,480 Er, because I have a severe chlorine allergy. 324 00:14:58,480 --> 00:15:00,760 I don't wanna get any splash back from this bad boy. 325 00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:03,720 Wait, you've got webbed feet but you can't actually swim? 326 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:07,400 I know Jing, God can be a cruel mistress, 327 00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,400 it's like giving the Pope a big willy. 328 00:15:09,400 --> 00:15:13,400 Right, I am going to throw this plastic brick into the pool 329 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:15,400 and then each of you is gonna take turns to dive in, 330 00:15:15,400 --> 00:15:17,760 collect it and then swim it back to shore. 331 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,120 What eventuality is this preparing us for? 332 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,560 You know, Jing, learning is a lot easier 333 00:15:22,560 --> 00:15:24,920 if you don't ask any questions. 334 00:15:24,920 --> 00:15:27,200 Okay, so who's gonna go first? 335 00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,640 Joe, wanna get it out the way? 336 00:15:29,640 --> 00:15:30,880 I will. 337 00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:32,520 Alright, Stephen, you're up. 338 00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,840 - Oi, Oi! - [screams] 339 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,600 [Stephen] Mitchell! 340 00:15:38,160 --> 00:15:41,400 Mitchell, stop splashing me, I'm allergic. 341 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,760 I need to throw the brick in first. 342 00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,800 - Get out the pool. - Come on throw it. 343 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,840 If you aim at me head it ain't gonna go anywhere near me. 344 00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,760 Mitchell, get out! 345 00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:50,480 Or what, you're gonna come and get me goggle rash? 346 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:51,680 Just throw it you melt. 347 00:15:52,160 --> 00:15:53,320 Fine! 348 00:15:57,160 --> 00:15:59,400 - Oh, shit! - [screams] 349 00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:02,000 - Sir, help him. - I can't go in, I'm allergic! 350 00:16:02,000 --> 00:16:04,360 - Quick do something. - Is he gonna die? 351 00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:06,160 [screaming] 352 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,360 What? 353 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:12,560 Where's Joy? 354 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:13,520 [Stephen] He's dying. 355 00:16:13,520 --> 00:16:15,560 - Joy! - Sir! 356 00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,240 Joy! 357 00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,400 [Joy] Come on, you bastard. Work with me. 358 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:23,800 [grunts] 359 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,800 Alright, I will buy a second beer at Nando's for whoever saves Mitchell! 360 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:28,400 [Chantelle] Right, get in! 361 00:16:34,400 --> 00:16:35,520 Coward. 362 00:16:37,240 --> 00:16:40,560 Stephen, you can stop doing that now. We've lost. 363 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,120 Can't someone else dive with me? 364 00:16:42,120 --> 00:16:44,600 We've been over this. Jordan and Raj are injured. 365 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,640 Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg. 366 00:16:47,640 --> 00:16:49,120 Girls? 367 00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,840 How can you all be on your periods at the same time? 368 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,560 Women synchronize, too. Me and Chantelle started Monday-- 369 00:16:56,560 --> 00:17:00,120 Please don't! We might as well just accept Pickwell's won. 370 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,880 Joe's not competing in anything. 371 00:17:02,880 --> 00:17:05,960 - I'm on my period, too? - Blobby's on the blob! 372 00:17:05,960 --> 00:17:07,600 I told you he had a fanny. 373 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:08,720 I thought you were concussed? 374 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,440 Oh, me head... [groans] 375 00:17:10,440 --> 00:17:13,280 Come on, Joe. All we need to do is win one event. 376 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:15,280 No way. Everyone's gonna laugh at me. 377 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:17,800 Why would they laugh at you? 378 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,600 Last year I wasn't even swimming, 379 00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,800 I was just putting out the lane numbers, 380 00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:24,440 and... Grayson got the whole school to do the Moob-Bot. 381 00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,000 The Moob-bot? 382 00:17:28,320 --> 00:17:30,280 Oh, that's clever. 383 00:17:30,280 --> 00:17:33,360 - But you can't let Grayson win. - But I can't dive. 384 00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:36,320 It's not about diving. It's about synchronizing. 385 00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,400 You do something, no matter how shit it is, 386 00:17:38,400 --> 00:17:39,640 he tries to copy it. 387 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:41,120 We might get lucky. 388 00:17:41,120 --> 00:17:42,880 But if it's so easy, why can't you do it? 389 00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:46,320 Oh, how many times? Chlorine is my Kyrptonite. 390 00:17:46,320 --> 00:17:49,440 One drop of that shit and I go from Jamie Redknapp 391 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:51,560 to Harry Redknapp like that. 392 00:17:51,560 --> 00:17:54,120 Now come on, buddy. I believe in you. 393 00:17:54,120 --> 00:17:55,880 We all believe in you. 394 00:17:55,880 --> 00:17:58,400 Inspire a generation. 395 00:17:58,400 --> 00:17:59,880 Hashtag YOLO. 396 00:17:59,880 --> 00:18:02,720 YOLO, Joe, YOLO. 397 00:18:02,720 --> 00:18:05,920 [all chanting] YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, 398 00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,000 YOLO, YOLO, YOLO! 399 00:18:09,320 --> 00:18:11,400 Can you buy me three beers? 400 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,720 Everyone can have three beers! 401 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,160 [cheering and clapping] 402 00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:20,520 [Fraser] Well, have a good day. 403 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:21,840 [parent] Oh, thank you. 404 00:18:21,840 --> 00:18:23,560 Ah, Mr. Smith. 405 00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:24,760 It's so great to see you 406 00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:27,400 after the racial insensitivity tribunal. 407 00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:29,640 With hindsight, I can see that word 408 00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,760 is best left to rappers. 409 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,680 Well, let's just let bygones be bygones. 410 00:18:34,680 --> 00:18:35,960 Yes, bro. 411 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:41,240 ♪ Some day ♪ 412 00:18:42,760 --> 00:18:48,000 ♪ We walk hand in hand ♪ 413 00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,400 Ladies and gentlemen, 414 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:55,880 welcome to the Abbey Grove swimming gala. 415 00:18:55,880 --> 00:18:58,440 [cheering] 416 00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:00,960 Now to light the Olympic torch. 417 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,200 Let the games begin. 418 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:17,320 Oh, no. 419 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:21,360 [powerful menacing music] 420 00:19:23,480 --> 00:19:26,720 Don't panic. Everything's fine. 421 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:29,320 Everything's fine. Everything's cool. 422 00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,400 Don't panic. Everything's fine. 423 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:35,240 Do not worry. Oh, God, it's really hot. 424 00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:38,480 Help! Help! 425 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,720 Help! 426 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,240 [air horn] 427 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,760 ♪ We shall We shall not be-- ♪ 428 00:20:07,760 --> 00:20:10,280 - [air horn] - [screams] Oh, my God. 429 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,120 Stuck, is it? 430 00:20:25,120 --> 00:20:27,120 Stand back. 431 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:31,680 Sometimes there's no substitute for a little bit of man power. 432 00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:45,800 Any minute now, it'll just drop. 433 00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:47,760 It's a stubborn one. 434 00:20:49,680 --> 00:20:51,320 [groans] Shit. 435 00:20:51,320 --> 00:20:54,920 Um, I haven't actually put my money in it. 436 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,800 Oh. 437 00:20:57,600 --> 00:21:00,400 That'd be why nothing's coming out then. 438 00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:07,400 FYI, your, uh, little minge binge, not my fault. 439 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,200 I've checked with loads of my ex-girlfriends, 440 00:21:09,200 --> 00:21:11,120 and they're all still straight. 441 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,840 Checked? What do you mean "checked"? 442 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:14,560 I asked them if they were gay. 443 00:21:14,560 --> 00:21:17,200 Not straight out, I'm subtle like. 444 00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,160 What did you ask them? 445 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:22,840 Timbaland. Music producer or formal evening footwear? 446 00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,800 - You're intimidated. - No, I'm not. 447 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:32,960 I just think that, you know, you might be, uh, missing out. 448 00:21:32,960 --> 00:21:35,840 [laughs] 449 00:21:35,840 --> 00:21:37,800 I'm not missing out. 450 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:41,920 No, because, sex with Alex 451 00:21:41,920 --> 00:21:45,880 is a sensual awakening. 452 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:51,000 Wave upon wave of mind-blowing orgasms. 453 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:54,840 She's a volcano of pleasure. 454 00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,400 Very clever. 455 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,120 Very clever indeed. 456 00:22:04,120 --> 00:22:08,160 Get your own back by giving me an erection 457 00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,600 at a children's swimming gala. 458 00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:10,760 Oh, Lord. 459 00:22:12,240 --> 00:22:17,000 [crowd chanting] Dive, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive. 460 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,880 I don't care if you're dying of starvation, 461 00:22:22,880 --> 00:22:26,000 your bingo wings are not gonna mess up this entry. 462 00:22:27,160 --> 00:22:28,880 Miss, I feel-- 463 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:31,400 You do not feel, you dive. 464 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:32,640 Are you alright? 465 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,880 Sir, we need to call security, 466 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:36,960 I've seen a suspicious package. 467 00:22:36,960 --> 00:22:38,960 [groans] Pickwell's camel toe. 468 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,920 Toe? That's a whole hoof. 469 00:22:40,920 --> 00:22:43,200 [audience cheering] 470 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:49,240 [audience clap half-heartedly] 471 00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,840 Zero? 472 00:22:53,840 --> 00:22:56,520 Are you out of your tiny little minds? 473 00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,800 There was no synchronization. 474 00:22:58,800 --> 00:22:59,880 Yes! 475 00:22:59,880 --> 00:23:01,160 Look, it's easy. 476 00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:04,800 Just keep it simple. Keep it synchronized. 477 00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:07,120 I can't! I can't take my top off in front of the whole school. 478 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:08,720 Everyone's gonna laugh. 479 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:14,000 Ignore them, Joe. Look, no one is happy about their bodies. 480 00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,800 You really think that this 481 00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,200 is ever gonna win Heat's torso of the week? 482 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:21,600 No, but they might bring back Circle of Shame for those nipples. 483 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,800 Stephen, could you just go and sort out the music? 484 00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:25,600 This dive is happening! 485 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:31,760 Look, mate, beauty is more than skin-deep. 486 00:23:31,760 --> 00:23:33,360 You are like... 487 00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:38,280 ...a Ginster's Scotch Egg Bar. 488 00:23:38,280 --> 00:23:43,800 Yeah. On the outside you're not traditionally beautiful, 489 00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,840 but inside, inside you're pretty damn special. 490 00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:48,840 [thumping] 491 00:23:48,840 --> 00:23:50,840 Ow! My ankle! 492 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,960 This witch tripped me! 493 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:54,800 I said no running. 494 00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,960 No way. Right, that's it. 495 00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,200 Shit's getting real. 496 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:06,360 Alfie, what about your chlorine allergy? 497 00:24:06,360 --> 00:24:09,000 You know what, Joe, some day... 498 00:24:10,720 --> 00:24:13,360 ...we've all got to face up to our fears. 499 00:24:13,360 --> 00:24:14,320 You with me? 500 00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,000 [Grayson] Oi, chicken dipper! 501 00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:23,000 That's the spirit. Lock and load. 502 00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:24,920 What happened to not being ashamed of your body? 503 00:24:24,920 --> 00:24:26,880 Joe, there are some shortcomings 504 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,560 that no man will ever get over. 505 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,600 Put it down. 506 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:32,800 [girls] Come on, sir. 507 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:35,000 Come on, Joe. Come on. 508 00:24:42,560 --> 00:24:44,920 Are you sure about this, Alfie? 509 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,560 Yeah. How bad can it be, right? 510 00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,400 - Bob bump? - Bob bump. 511 00:24:51,400 --> 00:24:53,920 [crowd chanting indistinct] 512 00:24:53,920 --> 00:24:56,120 [hip-hop music plays] 513 00:24:58,440 --> 00:25:00,400 ♪ I like your skin, like your hair, like your body ♪ 514 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:03,600 ♪ Like the way you're looking really tasty ♪ 515 00:25:03,600 --> 00:25:05,560 ♪ Just follow me, follow you, I don't mind ♪ 516 00:25:05,560 --> 00:25:08,800 ♪ I'm looking for a yes, not maybe ♪ 517 00:25:08,800 --> 00:25:11,200 ♪ Put your hands up in the sky ♪ 518 00:25:11,200 --> 00:25:13,680 ♪ I wanna take you high ♪ 519 00:25:13,680 --> 00:25:16,600 ♪ I wanna show you we can live the life ♪ 520 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,800 ♪ To the top let's take a dive ♪ 521 00:25:31,280 --> 00:25:33,400 - Yes! - Yes! 522 00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:41,880 Oh, my chlorine allergy. It's vanished! 523 00:25:41,880 --> 00:25:43,280 I feel fine! 524 00:25:49,520 --> 00:25:52,920 Honestly, guys, how bad is it? 525 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:54,360 Not bad at all. 526 00:25:54,360 --> 00:25:56,400 Oh, my God, you look minging. 527 00:25:56,400 --> 00:25:58,840 But, no worse than normal. 528 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,400 You look fine, sir. Really. 529 00:26:01,400 --> 00:26:03,800 You better get in a hot shower and some dry clothes, sir. 530 00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:05,000 Ooh, I'll help get your trunks off. 531 00:26:05,000 --> 00:26:06,800 [yelps] I think I can cope. 532 00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:08,280 Thank you, Chantelle. 533 00:26:14,320 --> 00:26:16,120 [evil laugh] 534 00:26:16,120 --> 00:26:17,240 Is there somebody there? 535 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:21,320 - Where are my clothes? - [Grayson] Nice face, Downton. 536 00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:22,720 Seriously, Frank. 537 00:26:22,720 --> 00:26:24,480 I am not in the mood for this. 538 00:26:24,480 --> 00:26:27,880 - Thunderbirds are go! - What? 539 00:26:27,880 --> 00:26:29,440 - [Alfie screams] - [laughter] 540 00:26:29,440 --> 00:26:31,800 Give me my towel back! [screams] 541 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:32,840 [Grayson laughs] 542 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:34,320 This isn't funny. 543 00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,760 - Seriously, guys. - Come on, sir. 544 00:26:41,400 --> 00:26:43,360 - This is not funny! - Alfie? 545 00:26:43,360 --> 00:26:44,520 [shrieks] 546 00:26:46,360 --> 00:26:47,680 Hello? 547 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:48,840 Rosie? 548 00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:51,560 We're in the lobby, aren't we? 549 00:26:51,560 --> 00:26:54,320 - Yeah. - Shit. 550 00:26:54,320 --> 00:26:56,400 This is my recurring nightmare. 551 00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,280 - Is he okay? - Oh. 552 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,000 Is this? 553 00:27:01,000 --> 00:27:05,280 Yes, this must be the famous Alex. 554 00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:10,600 How wonderful to finally meet you. 555 00:27:10,600 --> 00:27:11,880 [clears throat] 556 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,600 No. 557 00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,840 It's like that, is it? 558 00:27:15,840 --> 00:27:17,400 You are making a spectacle of yourself. 559 00:27:17,400 --> 00:27:19,280 Go and put some clothes on. 560 00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:23,320 Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed about my body? 561 00:27:23,320 --> 00:27:28,760 Please! Darling, you just can't handle being reminded 562 00:27:28,760 --> 00:27:30,120 of what you could have had. 563 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:31,200 [clears throat] 564 00:27:31,200 --> 00:27:32,600 [yelps] 565 00:27:35,600 --> 00:27:37,520 [kids laugh] 566 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,800 - Come on then. - [Chantelle] Sir... 567 00:27:38,800 --> 00:27:40,760 Take a photo, it'll last longer. 568 00:27:43,480 --> 00:27:45,520 No, that's a figure of speech. I didn't mean it! 569 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:46,480 [camera clicks] 570 00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,360 - Stop it! Mitchell! - Sir! 571 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:03,480 I promise it's me. Please? 572 00:28:03,480 --> 00:28:07,000 I've gotta buy those guys 30 beers.