Babes, I've missed you so much.
[Mitchell] Oi, come here, give it to me, take it off.
[chuckles]
[gasps]
[Chantelle] OMG.
- Leave me alone. - You look like Joan of Arc.
Just out of interest, Friar Tuck, how are the merry men?
- [laughter] - My dad did it.
What look was he going for? A young Anne Widdicombe?
Enough about mushroom head. Guess what I come back from Malaga wiv?
Your virginity?
[gasps] Is it like well spiritual and shit?
Nah, it's my Chinese order.
Spring rolls, prawn toast, duck.
Did your parents go ape?
Nah, I can do what I want now
'cos they're getting divorced.
It's the nuts!
Which one of them gets to keep the caravan?
How many times do I have to tell you, Billy Elliot?
It's a static home.
It's got wheels on it. It's a caravan.
- [laughs] - That means you're a caravan.
Do they do Big Fat Gypsy Divorce?
Where's Alfie?
Probably sitting at home trying to chip his dick
out of a sock with a toffee hammer.
Right, if anyone laughs, they're getting expelled.
My dad did it.
[upbeat music]
What's up, homeboy?
Oi, Little Lord Fondleboy!
Mumford and Sons called.
They want their gay one back.
Very clever, Grayson,
but A: the reason you don't like Mumford and Sons
is 'cos you're too young to appreciate
a good dinner party anthem when you hear one,
and b: I've got a girlfriend.
Miss Gulliver.
Did you not get that problem with your arsehole fixed?
I can hear it talking again.
Check her Facebook status, mate.
Changed yesterday to "in a relationship."
P-Widdy, you're looking fit and healthy.
Let me guess, no carbs before Marbs?
I went on a moose shoot in British Colombia.
What and no one shot you?
Thankfully no, which leaves me able to fetch my gun
and murder whatever monstrosity's nesting on your head.
Good to see FC Banterlona stayed fit during the off-season!
And how did you spend your holidays, Mr. Fraser?
Trying to master the art of lacing your own shoes?
Oh, no, still wearing these bad boys.
Every morning I wake up and thank God
I still have size five feet.
Now, first staff meeting of the new term and as you know,
it's Abbey Grove's swimming gala this week.
Which means it is the sweepstake.
Ten pounds in?
Winning form teacher takes the pot.
Why do we have to be so competitive?
We should be celebrating each and every child taking part?
Show me the money, woman.
No, I won't, because I believe very strong--
Hey, babe. Don't worry, I got this.
Listen, Izzy, she says it ain't happenin',
it ain't happenin'.
I've got your back, babe.
Now, light bulb, ding!
We all know how the UK recently hosted
the greatest show on Earth.
- The Olympics. - Close.
- The Para-Olympics. - The what?
No, Splash.
I thought we could end the gala this year
with our very own synchronized diving competition.
synchronized diving.
[scoffs] My class would rather take a running jump.
Shame you won't get your grubby little paws on this money.
Legal bills can be oh-so-ruinous.
Legal bills?
Well, I'm presuming you're not letting your hairdresser
get away with that?
Cheryl Bowl.
Back off the bob, bitch.
And anyway, I bet you my class win something.
Yap, yap, yap, yap yappity, yap, yap.
You're on.
Um, sorry, just to clarify,
I didn't mean betting actual money.
Well, if you win a single event, I'll match the pot.
That's like two hundred pounds.
Well, you could spend it on Pokemons.
Why would I spend it on Pokemon,
when I've already caught them all.
More graceful back and forth,
Ballroom Banter with Banton de Beke! Ten!
[Mitchell] Japs eye. Scrotum, scrotum.
Guys, you need to bring your pajamas in on Friday.
Are we having a sleepover? Can I be the little spoon?
Uh, no, we are learning swimming safety.
Why? We live in Watford, we ain't gonna drown in a flood.
Yeah, well, you're not.
That is the one advantage of living in a caravan:
if there is a flood, you can just move to higher ground.
Well, at least I don't look like an Amish rent boy.
[scoffs]
Whatever.
Look, we're learning swimming safety
so we can all enter the swimming gala!
But we never do the gala!
Well, we do now.
And we are gonna wipe that smug look off Pickwell's face,
and in doing so, win me a cash bet.
And you know what that means?
Group trip to Nandos on me.
Boom!
All we have to do is beat Pickwell one thing.
And I reckon we've got a chance this year,
because there is a new event: synchronized diving.
It's someone's opportunity to become the next Tom Daley.
Fierce, count me in. I'll be like Usher with gills. Hash-tag werk.
I knew I could count on you Stephen.
Now, you're gonna need to pick a partner.
Unless of course anyone wants to volunteer themselves?
Jing maybe?
You peeps are notoriously good at the old diving.
You mean Chinese people?
No.
I meant people who wear glasses
and are, um, Sagittarius.
Firstly, I'm Virgo, and secondly,
you may think you've disguised your prejudices,
but you don't fool me.
[chuckles] Classic Sagittarius.
I'll do it for a beer at Nandos.
Done.
Now, on a separate issue, I need to do something
rather special for the ol' ball and chain.
My girlfriend, Miss Gulliver.
We had a little bit of a lovers' tiff in the staff room
and I wanna make things right.
I've got a brilliant idea. I need your help.
Alfie, are you okay?
Joe told me that you'd been to hospital.
[soft music plays]
Yeah, doctor said someone had stolen my heart.
You wouldn't happen know anything about that now, would you?
Alfie, we're not in a relationship.
Then why did you put in on Facebook?
I put that I'm in a relationship. Which I am.
Just not with you.
I don't understand. What?
Who, who is it? Tell me who he is
and I will fight this tag-nut for your hand.
- Alex Scott. - Alex Scott?
- He sounds shit. - No, Alex Scott.
I used to teach her.
Alfie, I really, really didn't want to have to tell you like this.
You're... you're going out with Alex Scott?
She's, like, 20 and hot.
- Yeah. - And a girl!
And sorry, more importantly, she's your pupil!
Was, years ago.
I don't know what to think!
I am angry and aroused and upset,
and mainly aroused, and confused.
I didn't think that the idea of lesbians
could make me this miserable.
I just, I just, like her.
I like Joe, I'm not gonna bum him.
- This is completely different. - Is it?
Sorry, what would you be like if I was like,
"Oh, last night, I was helping Joe with his homework,
and one thing led to another and I just ended up
tugging him off into his Encore Tricolore."
I'd say "Why are you teaching him French?"
You know what I mean.
Look, I love you!
See all of this: the petals, the candles,
the Michael Buble.
Does anyone really like Michael Buble?
He's just a shit Michael Ball.
Right, I realize that this is a strange,
highly emotional time for you,
but how dare you take this out on the Bube-ster.
She didn't mean it, Michael.
Please don't go, I'm sorry.
Fine! Bye then.
I'm off to find one of the boys in my class
to see if he fancies a bumming!
Mr. Wickers.
These are the Wilsons.
They were thinking about sending their child to Abbey Grove.
Shall I show you back to the car park?
Sir, why haven't you dealt with that bowl yet?
Right, for the last time, it's not a bowl.
- It's a man bob. - Not gigi.
And the reason that I haven't been able to deal with it
is because I've been too busy
picking up the pieces of my broken heart.
[groans] Miss Gulliver's no biggie sir.
- Every girl has a minge binge. - [laughs] Minge.
Maybe the reason they become lesbians after they've got with me
is because they know that it's never gonna get any better.
Like when Sir Chris Hoy retired after London 2012.
Do you want me to be your guinea pig?
You could kiss me and see if I turn,
like a lesbo Twilight.
Sir, so what if Gulliver's exploring her boundaries?
Sexuality ain't a rigid set of definitions.
It's a spectrum and we're all fluctuating
between its many polarities.
Plus, yat on yat is fit, innit?
And he's back.
[Mitchell] Joe's got a chode!
Guys, can you hurry up, please?
[Mitchell] Piss off, Saville!
Sir's perving on us.
[Chantelle] I'm ready, sir. Hope the water's warm.
I'm not looking. Chantelle, I told you to put your pajamas on.
- I sleep naked. - Go and get some clothes on now!
This leisure center is minging.
Joe, you don't sleep in a duffel coat.
I do when it's cold.
Please don't make me swim, Alfie.
Mate, you should be used to having wet pajamas.
[laughs]
Is that my shirt?
It's all I could find. Do you want some breakfast?
- Look! It's my XXL conny! - It's a verruca sock.
- Ooh! - [screams]
Oi, sir, where's the lifeguard? She better be a sort.
Don't worry, mate. They always are.
[whistle blows]
Oi, Jing. Get your harpoon out.
I've spotted a whale.
Sit down, you grubby little toads!
- Hi. I'm Mr. Wickers. - You too.
- I'm the form teacher. - Sit!
My name is Joy.
Before you begin, a couple of ground rules.
I don't like children, but I do like my kit.
And take extra special care of Thomas.
Oh, her dummy's got a name.
Rules.
No diving, no bombing and no petting,
of the heavy or light persuasion.
What's petting?
Why don't you show us, love?
Give us a kiss?
Do you want a face full of congenital herpes?
Thought not, squirt.
And finally, no running!
We had a lad used to run round, ended up cracking his head.
He can't run anymore.
Eats through a tube and shits in a bag.
I think what Joy is trying to say
is that water can make this surface very slippery.
Wasn't water. He tripped on a crutch.
Okay, uh, back to swimming,
has anyone got any questions for Joy?
Yeah. Is it true the water changes color if you piss in it?
Yeah, it goes yellow. Tods turn the milk chocolate-y.
Err! Someone's done a dump in it?
Wasn't my fault, you weasel. I've got a spastic colon.
Speaking of which.
[stomach rumbles]
Sorry, aren't you gonna help me with this?
Nature calls.
That Ginster's Scotch Egg Bar's tipping the concierge,
think it wants to check out.
Okay, that was Joy. Charming little thing.
Right, left, left, left, right. Halt.
Right, resuscitation.
Oi, look, sir, shag of life!
[laughing]
Mitchell, put that down.
Now, Mr. Wickers has got it into his septic tank of a head that...
[Alfie] Get off it.
...he stands a chance of competing this year.
- Get off. - No, sir.
Mitchell, stop it.
Any hole's a goal. Let's make it airtight.
[Alfie] Mitchell.
Thomas! Get off my husband!
Right, well, I think we can rest easy.
[Mitchell] She's getting involved now, sir!
Stop looking at me. Cheeky wee bastard.
Ah! Miss G!
I'm very concerned about the swimming gala, Fraser.
Can I interest you in a lager?
Or a stout?
I tend not to drink before 10:30 am.
A selection of guest ales?
Look, Miss Pickwell is insisting that her children
starve themselves in order to achieve
Olympic-standard body mass.
Darts?
I'm going out with a woman, Fraser, I'm not a man.
Oh, there it is.
I had heard you'd kissed a girl and you liked it,
and that's totes coolio on so many levels.
Kind of explains why you've never really wanted
a slice of Fray Bantos pie.
Mm-hm, yup, hit the nail on the head.
Yup, so now that "us" is off the table,
- we can let it all hang out. - Oh, wow.
Oh new Speedos tend to have very little give,
I'm just breaking in the gusset for later.
Look, this is a point of principle, Fraser.
Either you excuse my class from competing,
or we will take part in a non-violent protest at the gala.
I thought you'd be more into this swimming lark now.
Why?
Claire Balding?
[sighs]
Mother funkster.
♪ Pump it up ♪
- [groans] - [Mitchell] Oi, numb nuts.
Why are you wearing goggles?
Er, because I have a severe chlorine allergy.
I don't wanna get any splash back from this bad boy.
Wait, you've got webbed feet but you can't actually swim?
I know Jing, God can be a cruel mistress,
it's like giving the Pope a big willy.
Right, I am going to throw this plastic brick into the pool
and then each of you is gonna take turns to dive in,
collect it and then swim it back to shore.
What eventuality is this preparing us for?
You know, Jing, learning is a lot easier
if you don't ask any questions.
Okay, so who's gonna go first?
Joe, wanna get it out the way?
I will.
Alright, Stephen, you're up.
- Oi, Oi! - [screams]
[Stephen] Mitchell!
Mitchell, stop splashing me, I'm allergic.
I need to throw the brick in first.
- Get out the pool. - Come on throw it.
If you aim at me head it ain't gonna go anywhere near me.
Mitchell, get out!
Or what, you're gonna come and get me goggle rash?
Just throw it you melt.
Fine!
- Oh, shit! - [screams]
- Sir, help him. - I can't go in, I'm allergic!
- Quick do something. - Is he gonna die?
[screaming]
What?
Where's Joy?
[Stephen] He's dying.
- Joy! - Sir!
Joy!
[Joy] Come on, you bastard. Work with me.
[grunts]
Alright, I will buy a second beer at Nando's for whoever saves Mitchell!
[Chantelle] Right, get in!
Coward.
Stephen, you can stop doing that now. We've lost.
Can't someone else dive with me?
We've been over this. Jordan and Raj are injured.
Rem Dogg is, well, Rem Dogg.
Girls?
How can you all be on your periods at the same time?
Women synchronize, too. Me and Chantelle started Monday--
Please don't! We might as well just accept Pickwell's won.
Joe's not competing in anything.
- I'm on my period, too? - Blobby's on the blob!
I told you he had a fanny.
I thought you were concussed?
Oh, me head... [groans]
Come on, Joe. All we need to do is win one event.
No way. Everyone's gonna laugh at me.
Why would they laugh at you?
Last year I wasn't even swimming,
I was just putting out the lane numbers,
and... Grayson got the whole school to do the Moob-Bot.
The Moob-bot?
Oh, that's clever.
- But you can't let Grayson win. - But I can't dive.
It's not about diving. It's about synchronizing.
You do something, no matter how shit it is,
he tries to copy it.
We might get lucky.
But if it's so easy, why can't you do it?
Oh, how many times? Chlorine is my Kyrptonite.
One drop of that shit and I go from Jamie Redknapp
to Harry Redknapp like that.
Now come on, buddy. I believe in you.
We all believe in you.
Inspire a generation.
Hashtag YOLO.
YOLO, Joe, YOLO.
[all chanting] YOLO, YOLO, YOLO, YOLO,
YOLO, YOLO, YOLO!
Can you buy me three beers?
Everyone can have three beers!
[cheering and clapping]
[Fraser] Well, have a good day.
[parent] Oh, thank you.
Ah, Mr. Smith.
It's so great to see you
after the racial insensitivity tribunal.
With hindsight, I can see that word
is best left to rappers.
Well, let's just let bygones be bygones.
Yes, bro.
♪ Some day ♪
♪ We walk hand in hand ♪
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the Abbey Grove swimming gala.
[cheering]
Now to light the Olympic torch.
Let the games begin.
Oh, no.
[powerful menacing music]
Don't panic. Everything's fine.
Everything's cool.
Don't panic. Everything's fine.
Do not worry. Oh, God, it's really hot.
Help! Help!
Help!
[air horn]
♪ We shall We shall not be-- ♪
- [air horn] - [screams] Oh, my God.
Stuck, is it?
Stand back.
Sometimes there's no substitute for a little bit of man power.
Any minute now, it'll just drop.
It's a stubborn one.
[groans] Shit.
Um, I haven't actually put my money in it.
Oh.
That'd be why nothing's coming out then.
FYI, your, uh, little minge binge, not my fault.
I've checked with loads of my ex-girlfriends,
and they're all still straight.
Checked? What do you mean "checked"?
I asked them if they were gay.
Not straight out, I'm subtle like.
What did you ask them?
Timbaland. Music producer or formal evening footwear?
- You're intimidated. - No, I'm not.
I just think that, you know, you might be, uh, missing out.
[laughs]
I'm not missing out.
No, because, sex with Alex
is a sensual awakening.
Wave upon wave of mind-blowing orgasms.
She's a volcano of pleasure.
Very clever.
Very clever indeed.
Get your own back by giving me an erection
at a children's swimming gala.
Oh, Lord.
[crowd chanting] Dive, dive, dive, dive, dive, dive.
I don't care if you're dying of starvation,
your bingo wings are not gonna mess up this entry.
Miss, I feel--
You do not feel, you dive.
Are you alright?
Sir, we need to call security,
I've seen a suspicious package.
[groans] Pickwell's camel toe.
Toe? That's a whole hoof.
[audience cheering]
[audience clap half-heartedly]
Zero?
Are you out of your tiny little minds?
There was no synchronization.
Yes!
Look, it's easy.
Just keep it simple. Keep it synchronized.
I can't! I can't take my top off in front of the whole school.
Everyone's gonna laugh.
Ignore them, Joe. Look, no one is happy about their bodies.
You really think that this
is ever gonna win Heat's torso of the week?
No, but they might bring back Circle of Shame for those nipples.
Stephen, could you just go and sort out the music?
This dive is happening!
Look, mate, beauty is more than skin-deep.
You are like...
...a Ginster's Scotch Egg Bar.
Yeah. On the outside you're not traditionally beautiful,
but inside, inside you're pretty damn special.
[thumping]
Ow! My ankle!
This witch tripped me!
I said no running.
No way. Right, that's it.
Shit's getting real.
Alfie, what about your chlorine allergy?
You know what, Joe, some day...
...we've all got to face up to our fears.
You with me?
[Grayson] Oi, chicken dipper!
That's the spirit. Lock and load.
What happened to not being ashamed of your body?
Joe, there are some shortcomings
that no man will ever get over.
Put it down.
[girls] Come on, sir.
Come on, Joe. Come on.
Are you sure about this, Alfie?
Yeah. How bad can it be, right?
- Bob bump? - Bob bump.
[crowd chanting indistinct]
[hip-hop music plays]
♪ I like your skin, like your hair, like your body ♪
♪ Like the way you're looking really tasty ♪
♪ Just follow me, follow you, I don't mind ♪
♪ I'm looking for a yes, not maybe ♪
♪ Put your hands up in the sky ♪
♪ I wanna take you high ♪
♪ I wanna show you we can live the life ♪
♪ To the top let's take a dive ♪
- Yes! - Yes!
Oh, my chlorine allergy. It's vanished!
I feel fine!
Honestly, guys, how bad is it?
Not bad at all.
Oh, my God, you look minging.
But, no worse than normal.
You look fine, sir. Really.
You better get in a hot shower and some dry clothes, sir.
Ooh, I'll help get your trunks off.
[yelps] I think I can cope.
Thank you, Chantelle.
[evil laugh]
Is there somebody there?
- Where are my clothes? - [Grayson] Nice face, Downton.
Seriously, Frank.
I am not in the mood for this.
- Thunderbirds are go! - What?
- [Alfie screams] - [laughter]
Give me my towel back! [screams]
[Grayson laughs]
This isn't funny.
- Seriously, guys. - Come on, sir.
- This is not funny! - Alfie?
[shrieks]
Hello?
Rosie?
We're in the lobby, aren't we?
- Yeah. - Shit.
This is my recurring nightmare.
- Is he okay? - Oh.
Is this?
Yes, this must be the famous Alex.
How wonderful to finally meet you.
[clears throat]
No.
It's like that, is it?
You are making a spectacle of yourself.
Go and put some clothes on.
Oh, sorry. You think I'm embarrassed about my body?
Please! Darling, you just can't handle being reminded
of what you could have had.
[clears throat]
[yelps]
[kids laugh]
- Come on then. - [Chantelle] Sir...
Take a photo, it'll last longer.
No, that's a figure of speech. I didn't mean it!
[camera clicks]
- Stop it! Mitchell! - Sir!
I promise it's me. Please?
I've gotta buy those guys 30 beers.