1 00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,400 ♪ My heart is broken ♪ 2 00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:05,720 ♪ Like an egg on the floor ♪ 3 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,400 ♪ If I wasn't such a grown-up ♪ 4 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,400 ♪ Then I'd call you a whore ♪ 5 00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:15,120 ♪ You are my personal salmonella ♪ 6 00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,120 ♪ Going off on holiday ♪ 7 00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,880 ♪ And having sex with Trevor ♪♪ 8 00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,000 [singing high-pitched and out-of-tune] 9 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,600 [laughing] 10 00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,240 I was 16, all right? I was in a bad place. 11 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:28,480 Why don't you just take it down? 12 00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,240 I would, but I forgot my password, 13 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,520 and my security question. 14 00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,640 I mean, Jesus, what is my favorite place? 15 00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,520 Well, judging by that, another dude's ass. 16 00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,960 -[laughing] -Shut up, Mitchell. 17 00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,640 Sir, can we watch my video, now? 18 00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:39,920 [Alfie] All right, what's it called? 19 00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,200 "One Girl, Ten Cups." 20 00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,480 Oh, God, Chantelle. 21 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,560 What, it's just me doing the washing up. 22 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,200 -Oh. -Greetings and salutations. 23 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,680 David Millbank. 24 00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,880 I was just wondering if I can count on your vote 25 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,640 for this forthcoming school election. 26 00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,400 Um, go away, we're working. 27 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,320 Now, who did you vote for last year? 28 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,400 Little Mix. 29 00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,120 Ah, the X-Factor, yes. 30 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,280 Look, I love music. 31 00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,720 I'm a big fan of the Coldplay, 32 00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,600 Jay-zed, and Olly Murs Feet Rizzle Sticks. 33 00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,440 Hey, sir, do you want to see an old guy sing with his nut sack? 34 00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,480 Mitchell, why would I want to see an old man 35 00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,920 -singing with his... oh, my God. -[♪ "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel] 36 00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,400 Is that... Oh, I've got to send this to Fraser. 37 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,480 He loves Peter Gabriel. 38 00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,200 [incoming email sound] 39 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,960 [♪ "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel] 40 00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,440 Goodness, Peter Gabriel has aged. 41 00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,000 Oh, Jesus. 42 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,560 [singing and music through speakers] 43 00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,560 [laughing] 44 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,640 Nothing to see, here. 45 00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,240 Guys, can you just get on. 46 00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:46,640 Put the phone away. 47 00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,440 Question ten's really good. Get on with that. 48 00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,480 [♪ "Sledgehammer" by Peter Gabriel] 49 00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,680 ♪ This amusement never ends ♪ 50 00:01:54,720 --> 00:02:00,360 ♪ I wanna be your sledgehammer ♪ 51 00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,160 ♪ Why don't you call my name ♪ 52 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,760 ♪ I want to be your sledgehammer ♪ 53 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,520 ♪ This will be my testimony yeah ♪♪ 54 00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,400 This is the dawn of a new age. 55 00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,880 Now, by now, you'll all be aware 56 00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,000 that a video of our headmaster showing children 57 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,960 images of a geriatric man manipulating his scrotum to song has gone viral. 58 00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,400 He's been asked to remain off the school grounds, pending a review 59 00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,400 by the Educational Authority Disciplinary Board. 60 00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,120 -In the interim, I shall rule. -Bullshit. 61 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,120 Surely, the most senior member of staff should be head mistress. 62 00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,240 Mollinson has been here since like the swinging '60s. 63 00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,560 The swinging '70s and '80s. 64 00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,320 The '90s were a bit dry, thanks to my hip replacement. 65 00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,280 Now, given the disastrous example 66 00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,800 set by our ex-headmaster, 67 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,320 we have to get our house in order. 68 00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,120 -What do you mean, house in order? -Mm. 69 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,720 Well, for starters, I'm not having you turning this place into a hippie commune; 70 00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,280 that ludicrous garden of yours. 71 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,400 The one I built is a memorial 72 00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,600 to my late brother, Freddie. 73 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,400 I need a new parking space. 74 00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,400 Could it fit a Hummer? 75 00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,640 And take this school election, always in absolute shambles. 76 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:22,800 Oh, is it? 77 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,520 I don't believe in elections. 78 00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:25,880 [scoffs] Of course you don't. 79 00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,360 But we are gonna show the board 80 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,000 that we can get something right, which means, Wickers, 81 00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,320 -you can sit this one out. -[blows raspberry] 82 00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,760 Bothered. 83 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,800 This election will run like clockwork, 84 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,480 and that way I will show the board 85 00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,560 that I am the right man for the job, on a permanent basis. 86 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,200 No one wants you in charge. 87 00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,280 You're like the step mom in Parent Trap. 88 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:49,400 With me in power, this school will improve, expand. 89 00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:55,600 The pupils will be better, stronger... purer. 90 00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,760 Almost like a super race. 91 00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,680 -Yes. -Amazing. 92 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,360 And I have to deal with that troublesome Fletchly boy. 93 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,480 Parents are demanding compensation for some little javelin accident, 94 00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,800 -so I'm expelling him. -On what grounds? 95 00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,800 For having marijuana in his locker. 96 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:15,120 -And how'd you know that? -I put it there. 97 00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,840 -I need a smoke. -Yeah, me too. 98 00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,120 -You don't smoke. -Yeah, sure I do. 99 00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,880 You know, like, when I'm stressed. 100 00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,720 [jazzy upbeat music] 101 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,840 Fraser is screwed. 102 00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,160 [coughing] 103 00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,680 That's some good shit. 104 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,720 Do you want to do blow-back? 105 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,200 It's a cigarette, Alfie. It's not pot. 106 00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,680 Yeah, sorry. 107 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,920 Can you imagine Pickwell as a mistress? 108 00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,800 I am not letting her near Freddie's tree. 109 00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,600 You heard the way she was talking. 110 00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,680 She'd probably have Jewish kids in separate classes. 111 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,280 Five year's time from now, it'll be us up in front of a disciplinary board, 112 00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,800 telling them we were only following orders. 113 00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,600 [chuckles] She could sack us. 114 00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,800 Then, what would you do as a living? 115 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,360 Go back to B&Q. Kept the uniform. 116 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,840 And staff get 13 percent off decking, so win-win. 117 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,400 You're gonna have to make an effort with her. 118 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,880 Have you thought about entering this election? 119 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,280 She told me not to. And anyway, you have to admit, 120 00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,560 this whole school election thing is bullshit. 121 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,960 You're only saying that 'cause of the last time 122 00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,600 your kids got involved in politics. 123 00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,560 Not this again. Rem Dogg got stage fright. 124 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,480 Well, hello, young chap, 125 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,440 and, uh, what's your ambition in life, eh? 126 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,360 -Anal. -What? 127 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,280 [pictures snapping] 128 00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,000 Um... 129 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,120 Come on. Everyone knows that school politics 130 00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,400 is just for losers like Millbank. 131 00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,880 You know, he came to my class this morning, asking for our votes. 132 00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,280 -And? -I told him to piss off. 133 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,720 You do know he's my candidate. 134 00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,800 [coughs] Great guy. 135 00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,480 I bet you think it's cool to say you're not into politics. 136 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,840 Now, you're sounding really old. 137 00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,200 I mean, have you ever voted? 138 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,920 No, no. I don't need to, 139 00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,440 because my dad does my postal vote for me. 140 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,520 [chuckling] Oh, God. 141 00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,640 Winning this election will be a piece of piss, all right? 142 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,760 -I just can't be bothered. -Yeah, you can't be bothered 143 00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,360 because you're afraid of losing. 144 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:09,400 Losing? 145 00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,640 My class would rape Millbank. 146 00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,320 Your class? Special K? Please. 147 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,360 Don't bring the children into this. 148 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,800 Pathetic, right. 149 00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,120 I'm going back to help my loser win this election. 150 00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,280 Well, I am going to the canteen, 151 00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,400 because I have got the munchies. 152 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:28,560 [dub step beat] 153 00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,680 Right, class. We've got an election to win. 154 00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,320 Who wants to stand? 155 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,400 Look, I've seen the other candidates, 156 00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,120 and we can't win if we're running against them 157 00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,280 on their terms, so, our inspiration for this election 158 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,320 is going to be a certain Pol Pot. 159 00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,160 Ain't that the guy that killed anyone wearing glasses? 160 00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,920 Paul Potts, sorry. I always get them mixed up. 161 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,800 You know, the one that won Britain's Got Talent? Yeah. 162 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,360 We're gonna win it on a sympathy vote, 163 00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,120 and we have got the perfect candidate. 164 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,640 Everybody loves a chubby virgin. 165 00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,640 No, why's it always me? 166 00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,520 Joe, this is your perfect opportunity 167 00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,400 to make this class proud of you. 168 00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,240 Yeah, but, I can't do public speaking. 169 00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,440 It's easy. It's just like teaching a class. 170 00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,680 What if I freeze up? 171 00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,920 Well, they say that you should imagine 172 00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,520 that everyone's naked. 173 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,440 Are you saying that when you teach us, you imagine us naked? 174 00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,520 -No. -I'll never win, anyway. 175 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,840 Of course you can win. 176 00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,600 All you need is a crack campaign team, 177 00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,400 and you have got the best in the business. 178 00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,720 Jing. She is a mastermind. 179 00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,120 She'll be on strategy. 180 00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,720 Stephen does plays. He can write you speeches. 181 00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:46,120 Mitchell... has got a laptop. 182 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:48,680 He'll run the website. 183 00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,240 Hack the website. 184 00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,200 I've given out more viruses than her. 185 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,280 Shut up! 186 00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,880 I'll do it on one condition. 187 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,440 -Anything. -That for just one day, 188 00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,200 you don't make any stupid comments about China. 189 00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,440 Promise. 190 00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,320 Just to clarify, um, you do know what voting is? 191 00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,880 It's just, you know, democracy isn't really a big... 192 00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:13,160 Never mind, so... What do you reckon? 193 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,800 You in? 194 00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,440 OK... 195 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,960 Yes, right! Team, to the corridor! 196 00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,720 -Talk to me, people. -We've got a problem. 197 00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,120 Everyone entering needs a party, and they're all taken. 198 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,920 -Except one. -It's not the BMP, is it? 199 00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,120 -Worse, Lib-Dem. -Bollocks, right. 200 00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,360 Stephen, get hold of a yellow tie, 201 00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,120 draw up a list of promises to break. 202 00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,240 Right. What are we gonna do about Grayson? 203 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,280 Well, he's a Torries candidate, so he's all about cuts. 204 00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,600 We need to prove his financial plan 205 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,160 is completely unrealistic. 206 00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,960 Mitchell, you're gonna hack the school accounts. 207 00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,560 Jing, you'll analyze the data. 208 00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,800 It's gonna take time, though, sir. 209 00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,400 The mainframe's gonna be flagged, 210 00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:46,280 ever since I put the school on Gumtree. 211 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,720 [Joe] What are we gonna do about Millbank? 212 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,280 -Doesn't he have a brother? -Evan Millbank, 14. 213 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,000 He's got the school's lowest SATS scores. 214 00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,560 He's asthmatic, dyslexic, 215 00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,440 wheat, lactose and sunlight intolerant. 216 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,280 He's spaced like Rain Man, and he can barely count, 217 00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,720 and isn't allow near matches. 218 00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,600 Perfect. We need him to run against his brother. 219 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,240 A sibling rivalry is bound to cause havoc with David's campaign. 220 00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,800 Genius. How do we get him to run? 221 00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,520 He can't run. He's got gammy legs. 222 00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:06,800 I meant in the election. 223 00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,400 Chantelle, you are gonna take his breath away. 224 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,000 -Steal his inhaler. -No, flirt with him. 225 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,320 Convince him to challenge his brother. 226 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:14,600 You owe me big time for this. 227 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,960 Oh, I'll make it up to you. 228 00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,400 Not like that. 229 00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,960 [smooth beat] 230 00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,920 Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Come on, come on. 231 00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,400 So, I want to propose... the deal. 232 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,120 Fraser, why do we have to do this in an Italian restaurant? 233 00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,320 You help me get back into power, 234 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,560 and in two terms time, I stand aside, 235 00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,640 and let you take the top job. 236 00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,840 No. Why... Why would I even want that? 237 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,280 I'm just trying to get you on board. 238 00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,840 I'm on your side. 239 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,400 Good, 'cause I've got that hearing later, and I need you, 240 00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,000 and as many teachers as possible, 241 00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,400 to convince the committee I'm still up to the job. 242 00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,920 Yeah, about that. 243 00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:07,120 Pickwell has sort of started a smear campaign. 244 00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,320 At her age, I wouldn't have thought it mattered. 245 00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,960 -No-- -Throw her my bone. 246 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000 Tell her, if she helps me get back my job, 247 00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,160 I'll let her put creationism on the syllabus. 248 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,960 She's been banging on about that for years. 249 00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,280 Look, I'll do everything I can. 250 00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,360 Great. Well, in advance, a little crib sheet. 251 00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,640 The de-Fraser Code. 252 00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,480 Can't grow a full beard. 253 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,880 Right, skip the weakness section. 254 00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,120 Strengths. There's your meat and two veg. 255 00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,760 Right. This stuff is not gonna impress the committee. 256 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,000 -Grade three on the oboe. -It's really hard. 257 00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,920 -Not color blind. -Yellow. 258 00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880 Appeared on Supermarket-- you appeared on Supermarket Sweep? 259 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,880 I did. 260 00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,280 Right, the point is, 261 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,720 this shit is not gonna help me get your job back, 262 00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,400 but you can do an impression of Michael Caine. 263 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,880 Blow on me bloody doors. 264 00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,880 Yeah, I'd... I'd maybe put that one under weaknesses. 265 00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,520 I'm sorry. You did not invent the "wassup" craze. 266 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,320 No one can prove that. 267 00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,240 Wassuuuuuuup. 268 00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,600 One spaghetti bolognese, and one-- 269 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:17,000 Unfolded calzone stromboli. Ici, por favor. 270 00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,280 You do know that calzones come folded? 271 00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,120 Yeah, but it's half the fun. 272 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,600 You are such a bell end. 273 00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,520 You see, it should look like a lung. 274 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,240 Garcon, couple of straws! 275 00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,440 [smooth beat] 276 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:58,920 Well, um, I've checked the numbers, 277 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,680 four times, 278 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:05,400 and our class candidate for the school election 279 00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:10,320 is definitely Edmund Millbank. 280 00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,400 [laughing] 281 00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,600 [mumbles indistinct] 282 00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,000 Jing, what are the early forecasts? 283 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,560 The polls have Grayson way out in the lead. 284 00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,240 The voters love his tough economic stance. 285 00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,320 And he's scares them shitless. 286 00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,320 Where are the school accounts? 287 00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,520 Mitchell's working on it. 288 00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,280 [suspenseful music] 289 00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,720 See? Told you the FBI website was piss easy to hack, man. 290 00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,120 I set up a campaign Twitter account. 291 00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,840 Already got re-Tweet from Myleene Klass. 292 00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,320 Ah, great, about which policy? 293 00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,120 -I said I love the hair. -Well, that's a start. 294 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,960 What are we gonna do about David Millbank? 295 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000 -You mean, you didn't hear? -No, what? 296 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:57,400 [indistinct chatter] 297 00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,920 Before we begin this hustings, 298 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,400 I would like to extend a very warm welcome 299 00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,520 to those members of the local education authority 300 00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,440 who have joined us here today. 301 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,000 And, the rules: 302 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,680 No swearing, no music, 303 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,440 no spitting, no nudity. 304 00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,320 And none of that global warming nonsense. 305 00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,720 Everyone knows it's a hoopla 306 00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,920 invented by tree-fingering socialists. 307 00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,880 Good. So, to our first speaker, Frank Grayson, 308 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,120 standing as a Conservative. 309 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,840 [applause] 310 00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,160 Welcome to the big society. 311 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:56,520 My motto, your problems ain't got shit to do with me. 312 00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,520 The welfare state is brass. 313 00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,640 Policies: I'm sacking the school nurse. 314 00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,840 She's pointless, and she ain't even fit. 315 00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,280 And secondly... 316 00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:14,760 These nob heads, why waste my hard-earned moneys on them, 317 00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:20,000 when instead we could spend it on this? 318 00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,240 A massive sports day this summer! 319 00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,760 I'm gonna build the school essential facilities, 320 00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,240 like a velodrome and an equestrian center! 321 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,480 You get me? 322 00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:33,160 So, vote for me, or watch your back, 323 00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,640 'cause in the big society, 324 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:41,400 no one can hear you scream. 325 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,640 [timid applause] 326 00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,160 All right, who's next? Oh, this'll be good. 327 00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,720 It's Form K. 328 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,360 [pacing music] 329 00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,400 Cheers, sugartits. I'll do the intros. 330 00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,360 So, after being told 331 00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,680 that I couldn't enter this election, 332 00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,160 let alone win it, 333 00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,120 here I am, with my very own candidate. 334 00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,560 From the under 25's category, 335 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,120 please welcome, Joe Poulter! 336 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,120 Here's your speech. 337 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,200 -Whoo! -[applause] 338 00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,680 Change of plan. 339 00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,000 I've written you my own. 340 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,960 A bit punchier. 341 00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,800 How are those accounts coming on? 342 00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,960 Mitchell's still working on it. 343 00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,360 And, with one click, 344 00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,640 Mr. Wickers is on the world's Most Wanted list. 345 00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,760 Is that the PE teacher? 346 00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,920 [anxious music] 347 00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,200 [muted dialogue] 348 00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,120 You know, when you're written off as a coward, 349 00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,440 it takes a lot of guts to get back up, 350 00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,120 and show that woman who you really are. 351 00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,320 Most politicians are like women. 352 00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,520 Older women, in that they don't care about you. 353 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,160 They patronize you. 354 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,560 They don't listen to you in the staff room 355 00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,920 when you're telling them about paintballing 356 00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,520 at Chris Lammond's stag do. 357 00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,560 -[whispering] Really good story. -[whispering] What? 358 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,160 [Joe] And like older women, 359 00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,720 politicians make you think you've got a chance with them, 360 00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,560 only to shit on you from up on their high horse. 361 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,800 The other side. 362 00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,560 And for the record, I do smoke. 363 00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,800 I get high all the time. 364 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,200 There's a photo of me on Facebook, 365 00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,800 smoking a joint at Glastonbury. 366 00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,120 At least I think Henry said it was weed, 367 00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,560 but I couldn't hear, 'cause Moby was tearing up the dance tent. 368 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,840 [clapping] 369 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,800 Right, right, so that was as weird as expected. 370 00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,480 -You nailed it. -I didn't nail it. 371 00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,280 I just embarrassed myself in front of the whole school. 372 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,480 I never wanted to do this stupid election thing, anyway. 373 00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,720 OK, next up from Form M is Edmund Millbank. 374 00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,120 Wait, wait, sit down. 375 00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,280 OK, this clearly isn't about the election anymore, 376 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,440 because thanks to you know who, it's been hijacked. 377 00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,800 For once, could you behave like a real teacher. 378 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,440 Um, for the record, I am a real teacher. 379 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,160 A real teacher wouldn't force their pupils 380 00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,480 to do things they don't want to do. 381 00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,560 Homework. 382 00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,000 A real teacher wouldn't put words 383 00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,600 into their pupils' mouths. 384 00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,600 French teacher. Any language, actually. 385 00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,600 -You're embarrassing yourself. -Oh, get a room. 386 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,360 Oh, piss off! 387 00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,360 [Pickwell] Yeah, okay. 388 00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,320 I... I think we've had enough of the Gulliver show for one day, 389 00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,760 unless you've got... I mean, unless you'd like to humiliate yourself. 390 00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:01,320 Back off! You menopausal witch! 391 00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,120 If you dare touch my garden, or Freddie's tree, 392 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,360 I will personally ram that hammer up your ass. 393 00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,400 [students laughing] 394 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,600 Silence, silence! 395 00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,920 Pull yourselves together. 396 00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,600 I'd like the rest of this hustings 397 00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,120 to be conducted with due decorum, 398 00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,600 so back to the serious business of this election, 399 00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,280 and our next candidate, from Form B, 400 00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:37,400 Ben Poppit, who represents the... "the forces of good." 401 00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,520 [energetic beat music] 402 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,200 I'm sorry for getting carried away 403 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,440 with the whole, whole election stuff. 404 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,680 Your little spectacle back there 405 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,680 has played right into my hands. 406 00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,520 It's going to be even easier to lance two irritating abscesses. 407 00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,840 You can't lance us. 408 00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,920 Oh, I can, when I'm head mistress, 409 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,600 and the committee won't complain after seeing that performance. 410 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,320 You'll both be out. 411 00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,280 Yeah? Well, that would be the case, if it wasn't for the fact 412 00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,160 that Fraser's gonna get his job back. 413 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,920 Oh, stop pussy-parping, Wicker's, Fraser doesn't stand a chance. 414 00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,880 This is a 500-page character assassination on Fraser. 415 00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,280 I've compiled one on all of you. 416 00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,160 -[door opens] -[woman] Mr. Wickers, please. 417 00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,120 And you are? 418 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,400 Alfie Wickers. I teach Form K. 419 00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,320 Slow bunch, but, you know, 420 00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,160 kinda guys that you want to go for a pint with. 421 00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,960 Not like now, obviously, 422 00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,120 'cause they're underage, but... 423 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,320 I mean, most of them are lightweights. 424 00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,400 I've never been for a drink with them. 425 00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,600 So, how would you describe Shaquille Fraser? 426 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,240 You... Shaq... Shaquille? 427 00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,000 That's your first name? 428 00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,520 You said it was Simon. 429 00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,920 Judging by that, you don't know Mr. Fraser at all well. 430 00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,600 [Alfie] No, look. 431 00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:29,280 Shaquille may come across as a bit of a guiche. 432 00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,960 -No offense, Fraser. -Standard banter. 433 00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,720 [exhales] 434 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,600 Look, I've done some shit here 435 00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:41,880 that at any other school would definitely get me fired. 436 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,000 Maybe even arrested. 437 00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:49,400 But, Fraser has never shouted at me, never got me in trouble, 438 00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,360 and, you know, he loves this school. 439 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,920 He'd do anything for it. It's his life. 440 00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,600 And... I know it might sound a bit lame, 441 00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,600 but he's genuinely one of my best friends. 442 00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,120 Well, I'm glad you get on so well. 443 00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,440 Unfortunately, this has no bearing, whatsoever, 444 00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,240 on his professional competency. 445 00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:21,120 Can you tell me one thing Shaquille has achieved as headmaster? 446 00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:31,840 Do you guys remember... wassup? 447 00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:37,160 [fast-paced beat] 448 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,440 [man speaks indistinct] 449 00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,440 You're up. 450 00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,240 Oh, God. 451 00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,840 Well, the hour is nearly upon us. What will I do first? 452 00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,720 Oh, maybe I'll build a wicker man in the playground. 453 00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,840 I wonder who will go in it. 454 00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,160 [Jing] Sir, sir! 455 00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,160 All right, coming. 456 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,200 [whispers] What? 457 00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,400 -Look. It's the accounts. -What? 458 00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,600 Oh, Jing, that's very sweet of you, but it's too late. 459 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,360 -Grayson's already won. -No, look. 460 00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,240 This column shows the school's expenses, 461 00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,680 and this column shows Pickwell's withdrawals. 462 00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,200 They don't add up, you see? 463 00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,600 One hundred and forty pounds in the school's expenses, 464 00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,360 and 200 pounds in Pickwell's. 465 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,320 She's been making that withdraw every week for years. 466 00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,120 Right. Um, could you explain that again? 467 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,400 As though you were explaining it to a child? 468 00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,360 Pickwell's been fiddling her expenses. 469 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,480 Oh, God, Jing! 470 00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,760 -I could kiss you! -Please don't. 471 00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,200 -It might upset Chantelle. -Well done. 472 00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,160 Why are you walking like you soiled yourself? 473 00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,400 This is my swagger. 474 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,000 What have you got to swagger about? 475 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,800 Read it and weep. 476 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,280 Doubt it, haven't wept since 1990. 477 00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,800 1990? 478 00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,920 When she was hounded out of office by her own party. 479 00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,240 Well, talking of being hounded out of office, 480 00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,920 it would appear as though one member of staff 481 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,640 has been siphoning off public money... you. 482 00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:15,640 This column? 483 00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,400 Now, where's your evidence. 484 00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,160 You think we didn't make copies? 485 00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,800 We made copies, right, Jing? 486 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,400 [in Chinese] No. 487 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,840 Yeah, that is Chinese for many, many, many, multiple copies. 488 00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,400 Yes, well I'll have you arrested. You stole this information. 489 00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,400 Well, maybe you could tell the authorities? 490 00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,920 They're just in here. I'm sure they wouldn't mind. 491 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,400 No, don't, please. 492 00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,920 Well, I suggest, if you want to keep any kind of job, 493 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,560 you go in there, and tell your little pals at the council 494 00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,800 that Fraser is the most amazing headmaster 495 00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,760 you have ever had the privilege of working for. 496 00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:11,320 Oh, and one more thing I'll need you to arrange, re: the election. 497 00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,120 -Joe Poulter. -Out of the question. 498 00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,200 Grayson's already won by a landslide. 499 00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,960 Joe doesn't even want to be school president, Alfie. 500 00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,920 But I think it would mean a great deal to Edmund. 501 00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,760 Actually, I've got a better idea. 502 00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,560 And the winner of the Abbey Grove election is, Ben Poppit. 503 00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,480 [applause] 504 00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,120 With great power comes great responsibility. 505 00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,240 Thank you. 506 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:48,640 [applause] 507 00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:55,640 [dance music] 508 00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:31,880 I'm the headmaster! 509 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,200 God, I've got to go outside. I'm gonna be sick. 510 00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,560 I'm feeling quite drunk. 511 00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,920 Me too. 512 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,400 That's because I decided on a little celebration 513 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:41,440 for getting my job back. 514 00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,600 I spiked the punch. 515 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,480 Are you out of your mind? 516 00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,200 Not yet, but I do need to sit down. 517 00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,880 Where's that wheelchair boy? 518 00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,920 Remember, posture, eye contact, 519 00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,160 throw in some cute giggles, maybe rest your hand on his arm, 520 00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,400 and then, tell him you'll tug him off behind the bins. 521 00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:09,640 Car keys, anyone? 522 00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,320 No, thank you. 523 00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,960 I couldn't anyway, they're my dad's. 524 00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,360 The more the merrier. 525 00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:20,760 [dance music] 526 00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,960 Joe, can you get me some more punch? 527 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,720 [slow music plays] 528 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,000 You know when it's a new term, 529 00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,920 and you get in your class, 530 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,120 and there's a kid, 531 00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:47,440 and he's got potential but really frustrates you, 532 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,960 because one day they're a grade A, 533 00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,480 and then the next day they're just like a kid, 534 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,240 who doesn't seem to care. 535 00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,600 But then, um, by the end of the term, 536 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:06,600 you realize that, um, maybe they're perfect after all. 537 00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,840 I have that exact same situation with Mitchell. 538 00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:18,480 No, no, Alfie. It's a... metaphor. 539 00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,320 [Chantelle sighs] 540 00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,360 Put it on, put it on. 541 00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:37,960 Um... I need, I need some air. 542 00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:46,360 ♪ You are my personal salmonella ♪ 543 00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,440 ♪ Going off on a holiday ♪ 544 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,240 ♪ And having sex with Trevor ♪ 545 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,800 ♪ She's the egg smashing woman ♪ 546 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,480 ♪ Egg smashing woman ♪ 547 00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,520 ♪ She's the egg smashing woman ♪ 548 00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,160 ♪ And I am the egg ♪ 549 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:09,120 ♪ I've been smashed smashed by the woman ♪ 550 00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,200 ♪ You had sex with Trevor ♪ 551 00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,360 ♪ You fucking bitch ♪♪ 552 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,280 [Alfie] So, that song was dedicated to a woman 553 00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,560 called Rachel Perkins. 554 00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,240 I am so over you, 555 00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,600 and yeah, Rachel, 556 00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,160 you can go around school telling everyone 557 00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,640 that I haven't had sex, but two weeks ago, 558 00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:33,720 I got half a hand job from Kelly Bright 559 00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,360 on the Coach on the way home from Cheddar Gorge.