1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:03,400
♪ My heart is broken ♪
2
00:00:03,800 --> 00:00:05,720
♪ Like an egg on the floor ♪
3
00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:08,400
♪ If I wasn't such a grown-up ♪
4
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,400
♪ Then I'd call you a whore ♪
5
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:15,120
♪ You are my
personal salmonella ♪
6
00:00:15,160 --> 00:00:17,120
♪ Going off on holiday ♪
7
00:00:17,160 --> 00:00:19,880
♪ And having sex with Trevor ♪♪
8
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:23,000
[singing high-pitched
and out-of-tune]
9
00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:24,600
[laughing]
10
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:27,240
I was 16, all right?
I was in a bad place.
11
00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:28,480
Why don't you
just take it down?
12
00:00:28,520 --> 00:00:30,240
I would, but I forgot
my password,
13
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,520
and my security question.
14
00:00:31,560 --> 00:00:33,640
I mean, Jesus,
what is my favorite place?
15
00:00:33,680 --> 00:00:35,520
Well, judging by that,
another dude's ass.
16
00:00:35,560 --> 00:00:36,960
-[laughing]
-Shut up, Mitchell.
17
00:00:37,000 --> 00:00:38,640
Sir, can we watch
my video, now?
18
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:39,920
[Alfie]
All right, what's it called?
19
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,200
"One Girl, Ten Cups."
20
00:00:41,240 --> 00:00:42,480
Oh, God, Chantelle.
21
00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,560
What, it's just me
doing the washing up.
22
00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,200
-Oh.
-Greetings and salutations.
23
00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,680
David Millbank.
24
00:00:48,720 --> 00:00:50,880
I was just wondering if
I can count on your vote
25
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,640
for this forthcoming
school election.
26
00:00:53,680 --> 00:00:56,400
Um, go away, we're working.
27
00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:59,320
Now, who did you
vote for last year?
28
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,400
Little Mix.
29
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,120
Ah, the X-Factor, yes.
30
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,280
Look, I love music.
31
00:01:05,320 --> 00:01:07,720
I'm a big fan of the Coldplay,
32
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:12,600
Jay-zed, and Olly Murs
Feet Rizzle Sticks.
33
00:01:12,640 --> 00:01:15,440
Hey, sir, do you want to see an
old guy sing with his nut sack?
34
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,480
Mitchell, why would I
want to see an old man
35
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,920
-singing with his... oh, my God.
-[♪ "Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel]
36
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:23,400
Is that... Oh, I've got
to send this to Fraser.
37
00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:25,480
He loves Peter Gabriel.
38
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:28,200
[incoming email sound]
39
00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,960
[♪ "Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel]
40
00:01:32,480 --> 00:01:35,440
Goodness,
Peter Gabriel has aged.
41
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:40,000
Oh, Jesus.
42
00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:41,560
[singing and music
through speakers]
43
00:01:41,600 --> 00:01:42,560
[laughing]
44
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:43,640
Nothing to see, here.
45
00:01:43,680 --> 00:01:45,240
Guys, can you just get on.
46
00:01:45,280 --> 00:01:46,640
Put the phone away.
47
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,440
Question ten's really good.
Get on with that.
48
00:01:48,480 --> 00:01:50,480
[♪ "Sledgehammer"
by Peter Gabriel]
49
00:01:50,520 --> 00:01:54,680
♪ This amusement never ends ♪
50
00:01:54,720 --> 00:02:00,360
♪ I wanna be
your sledgehammer ♪
51
00:02:02,240 --> 00:02:06,160
♪ Why don't you call my name ♪
52
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:10,760
♪ I want to be
your sledgehammer ♪
53
00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:17,520
♪ This will be my
testimony yeah ♪♪
54
00:02:21,680 --> 00:02:24,400
This is the dawn of a new age.
55
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,880
Now, by now, you'll all be aware
56
00:02:26,920 --> 00:02:29,000
that a video of our
headmaster showing children
57
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:33,960
images of a geriatric man
manipulating his scrotum
to song has gone viral.
58
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:37,400
He's been asked to remain
off the school grounds,
pending a review
59
00:02:37,440 --> 00:02:40,400
by the Educational Authority
Disciplinary Board.
60
00:02:40,440 --> 00:02:44,120
-In the interim, I shall rule.
-Bullshit.
61
00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,120
Surely, the most
senior member of staff
should be head mistress.
62
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:51,240
Mollinson has been here
since like the swinging '60s.
63
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:54,560
The swinging '70s and '80s.
64
00:02:54,600 --> 00:02:58,320
The '90s were a bit dry,
thanks to my hip replacement.
65
00:02:58,360 --> 00:03:00,280
Now, given the
disastrous example
66
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,800
set by our ex-headmaster,
67
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,320
we have to get
our house in order.
68
00:03:04,360 --> 00:03:07,120
-What do you mean,
house in order?
-Mm.
69
00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:10,720
Well, for starters,
I'm not having you turning this
place into a hippie commune;
70
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:12,280
that ludicrous garden of yours.
71
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,400
The one I built is a memorial
72
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:14,600
to my late brother, Freddie.
73
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,400
I need a new parking space.
74
00:03:16,440 --> 00:03:18,400
Could it fit a Hummer?
75
00:03:18,800 --> 00:03:21,640
And take this school election,
always in absolute shambles.
76
00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:22,800
Oh, is it?
77
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,520
I don't believe in elections.
78
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:25,880
[scoffs]
Of course you don't.
79
00:03:25,920 --> 00:03:27,360
But we are gonna show the board
80
00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:31,000
that we can get something right,
which means, Wickers,
81
00:03:31,400 --> 00:03:32,320
-you can sit this one out.
-[blows raspberry]
82
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:33,760
Bothered.
83
00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:35,800
This election will
run like clockwork,
84
00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:37,480
and that way
I will show the board
85
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,560
that I am the right man for
the job, on a permanent basis.
86
00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,200
No one wants you in charge.
87
00:03:42,240 --> 00:03:44,280
You're like the
step mom in Parent Trap.
88
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:49,400
With me in power, this school
will improve, expand.
89
00:03:49,800 --> 00:03:55,600
The pupils will be better,
stronger... purer.
90
00:03:55,640 --> 00:03:57,760
Almost like a super race.
91
00:03:57,800 --> 00:03:59,680
-Yes.
-Amazing.
92
00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:02,360
And I have to deal with
that troublesome Fletchly boy.
93
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:05,480
Parents are demanding
compensation for some
little javelin accident,
94
00:04:05,520 --> 00:04:08,800
-so I'm expelling him.
-On what grounds?
95
00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:10,800
For having marijuana
in his locker.
96
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:15,120
-And how'd you know that?
-I put it there.
97
00:04:15,160 --> 00:04:17,840
-I need a smoke.
-Yeah, me too.
98
00:04:17,880 --> 00:04:20,120
-You don't smoke.
-Yeah, sure I do.
99
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:22,880
You know, like,
when I'm stressed.
100
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,720
[jazzy upbeat music]
101
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,840
Fraser is screwed.
102
00:04:36,880 --> 00:04:39,160
[coughing]
103
00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:40,680
That's some good shit.
104
00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:42,720
Do you want to do blow-back?
105
00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:45,200
It's a cigarette, Alfie.
It's not pot.
106
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:47,680
Yeah, sorry.
107
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:51,920
Can you imagine
Pickwell as a mistress?
108
00:04:51,960 --> 00:04:54,800
I am not letting her
near Freddie's tree.
109
00:04:54,840 --> 00:04:56,600
You heard the way
she was talking.
110
00:04:56,640 --> 00:04:58,680
She'd probably have
Jewish kids in separate classes.
111
00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,280
Five year's time from now,
it'll be us up in front of
a disciplinary board,
112
00:05:01,320 --> 00:05:02,800
telling them we
were only following orders.
113
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:04,600
[chuckles]
She could sack us.
114
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:06,800
Then, what would
you do as a living?
115
00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:09,360
Go back to B&Q.
Kept the uniform.
116
00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:12,840
And staff get 13 percent
off decking, so win-win.
117
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,400
You're gonna have to
make an effort with her.
118
00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:15,880
Have you thought about
entering this election?
119
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:18,280
She told me not to.
And anyway, you have to admit,
120
00:05:18,320 --> 00:05:20,560
this whole school election
thing is bullshit.
121
00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:21,960
You're only saying that 'cause
of the last time
122
00:05:22,000 --> 00:05:23,600
your kids got
involved in politics.
123
00:05:23,640 --> 00:05:26,560
Not this again.
Rem Dogg got stage fright.
124
00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:28,480
Well, hello, young chap,
125
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:32,440
and, uh, what's your
ambition in life, eh?
126
00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:35,360
-Anal.
-What?
127
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,280
[pictures snapping]
128
00:05:36,320 --> 00:05:38,000
Um...
129
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,120
Come on. Everyone knows
that school politics
130
00:05:40,160 --> 00:05:42,400
is just for losers
like Millbank.
131
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:44,880
You know, he came to
my class this morning,
asking for our votes.
132
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:47,280
-And?
-I told him to piss off.
133
00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,720
You do know he's my candidate.
134
00:05:48,760 --> 00:05:50,800
[coughs]
Great guy.
135
00:05:50,840 --> 00:05:53,480
I bet you think it's cool to
say you're not into politics.
136
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:54,840
Now, you're
sounding really old.
137
00:05:54,880 --> 00:05:56,200
I mean, have you ever voted?
138
00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:58,920
No, no.
I don't need to,
139
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,440
because my dad does
my postal vote for me.
140
00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,520
[chuckling]
Oh, God.
141
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,640
Winning this election will be
a piece of piss, all right?
142
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,760
-I just can't be bothered.
-Yeah, you can't be bothered
143
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,360
because you're afraid of losing.
144
00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:09,400
Losing?
145
00:06:09,440 --> 00:06:11,640
My class would rape Millbank.
146
00:06:11,680 --> 00:06:13,320
Your class? Special K? Please.
147
00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,360
Don't bring the
children into this.
148
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,800
Pathetic, right.
149
00:06:17,840 --> 00:06:21,120
I'm going back to help my
loser win this election.
150
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:24,280
Well, I am going
to the canteen,
151
00:06:24,320 --> 00:06:27,400
because I have got the munchies.
152
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:28,560
[dub step beat]
153
00:06:30,960 --> 00:06:34,680
Right, class.
We've got an election to win.
154
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,320
Who wants to stand?
155
00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,400
Look, I've seen
the other candidates,
156
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,120
and we can't win if we're
running against them
157
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:46,280
on their terms, so, our
inspiration for this election
158
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:49,320
is going to be a
certain Pol Pot.
159
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:53,160
Ain't that the guy that
killed anyone wearing glasses?
160
00:06:53,200 --> 00:06:55,920
Paul Potts, sorry.
I always get them mixed up.
161
00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:58,800
You know, the one that
won Britain's Got Talent? Yeah.
162
00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:01,360
We're gonna win it
on a sympathy vote,
163
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:04,120
and we have got the
perfect candidate.
164
00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:06,640
Everybody loves a chubby virgin.
165
00:07:06,680 --> 00:07:08,640
No, why's it always me?
166
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:11,520
Joe, this is your
perfect opportunity
167
00:07:11,560 --> 00:07:13,400
to make this class proud of you.
168
00:07:13,440 --> 00:07:15,240
Yeah, but,
I can't do public speaking.
169
00:07:15,280 --> 00:07:17,440
It's easy.
It's just like teaching a class.
170
00:07:17,480 --> 00:07:18,680
What if I freeze up?
171
00:07:18,720 --> 00:07:20,920
Well, they say that
you should imagine
172
00:07:20,960 --> 00:07:22,520
that everyone's naked.
173
00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:24,440
Are you saying that when you
teach us, you imagine us naked?
174
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,520
-No.
-I'll never win, anyway.
175
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,840
Of course you can win.
176
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:30,600
All you need is a
crack campaign team,
177
00:07:30,640 --> 00:07:33,400
and you have got the
best in the business.
178
00:07:33,800 --> 00:07:35,720
Jing.
She is a mastermind.
179
00:07:35,760 --> 00:07:37,120
She'll be on strategy.
180
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:40,720
Stephen does plays.
He can write you speeches.
181
00:07:40,760 --> 00:07:46,120
Mitchell...
has got a laptop.
182
00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:48,680
He'll run the website.
183
00:07:48,720 --> 00:07:50,240
Hack the website.
184
00:07:50,280 --> 00:07:52,200
I've given out
more viruses than her.
185
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,280
Shut up!
186
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:54,880
I'll do it on one condition.
187
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,440
-Anything.
-That for just one day,
188
00:07:56,480 --> 00:07:59,200
you don't make any stupid
comments about China.
189
00:07:59,240 --> 00:08:01,440
Promise.
190
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,320
Just to clarify, um,
you do know what voting is?
191
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,880
It's just, you know,
democracy isn't really a big...
192
00:08:08,920 --> 00:08:13,160
Never mind, so...
What do you reckon?
193
00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:14,800
You in?
194
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:17,440
OK...
195
00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,960
Yes, right!
Team, to the corridor!
196
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:22,720
-Talk to me, people.
-We've got a problem.
197
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:25,120
Everyone entering needs a party,
and they're all taken.
198
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:26,920
-Except one.
-It's not the BMP, is it?
199
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:29,120
-Worse, Lib-Dem.
-Bollocks, right.
200
00:08:29,120 --> 00:08:30,360
Stephen, get hold
of a yellow tie,
201
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:32,120
draw up a list of
promises to break.
202
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:34,240
Right. What are we
gonna do about Grayson?
203
00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:36,280
Well, he's a Torries candidate,
so he's all about cuts.
204
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,600
We need to prove
his financial plan
205
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:39,160
is completely unrealistic.
206
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:40,960
Mitchell, you're gonna
hack the school accounts.
207
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:42,560
Jing, you'll analyze the data.
208
00:08:42,600 --> 00:08:43,800
It's gonna take time,
though, sir.
209
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:45,400
The mainframe's
gonna be flagged,
210
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:46,280
ever since
I put the school on Gumtree.
211
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:47,720
[Joe] What are we
gonna do about Millbank?
212
00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:49,280
-Doesn't he have a brother?
-Evan Millbank, 14.
213
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,000
He's got the school's
lowest SATS scores.
214
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:52,560
He's asthmatic, dyslexic,
215
00:08:52,600 --> 00:08:54,440
wheat, lactose
and sunlight intolerant.
216
00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:56,280
He's spaced like Rain Man,
and he can barely count,
217
00:08:56,320 --> 00:08:57,720
and isn't allow near matches.
218
00:08:57,760 --> 00:08:59,600
Perfect. We need him to run
against his brother.
219
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:02,240
A sibling rivalry is
bound to cause havoc
with David's campaign.
220
00:09:02,280 --> 00:09:03,800
Genius.
How do we get him to run?
221
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:05,520
He can't run.
He's got gammy legs.
222
00:09:05,560 --> 00:09:06,800
I meant in the election.
223
00:09:06,840 --> 00:09:09,400
Chantelle, you are gonna
take his breath away.
224
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,000
-Steal his inhaler.
-No, flirt with him.
225
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:13,320
Convince him to
challenge his brother.
226
00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:14,600
You owe me big time for this.
227
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:16,960
Oh, I'll make it up to you.
228
00:09:17,000 --> 00:09:18,400
Not like that.
229
00:09:18,440 --> 00:09:20,960
[smooth beat]
230
00:09:28,680 --> 00:09:32,920
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
Come on, come on.
231
00:09:37,920 --> 00:09:41,400
So, I want to propose...
the deal.
232
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,120
Fraser, why do we have to do
this in an Italian restaurant?
233
00:09:44,160 --> 00:09:45,320
You help me get
back into power,
234
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,560
and in two terms time,
I stand aside,
235
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,640
and let you take the top job.
236
00:09:49,680 --> 00:09:51,840
No. Why... Why would
I even want that?
237
00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:53,280
I'm just trying
to get you on board.
238
00:09:53,320 --> 00:09:54,840
I'm on your side.
239
00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:57,400
Good, 'cause I've got that
hearing later, and I need you,
240
00:09:57,440 --> 00:09:59,000
and as many teachers
as possible,
241
00:09:59,400 --> 00:10:01,400
to convince the committee
I'm still up to the job.
242
00:10:01,800 --> 00:10:02,920
Yeah, about that.
243
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:07,120
Pickwell has sort of
started a smear campaign.
244
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:09,320
At her age, I wouldn't
have thought it mattered.
245
00:10:09,360 --> 00:10:10,960
-No--
-Throw her my bone.
246
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000
Tell her, if she helps
me get back my job,
247
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:15,160
I'll let her put
creationism on the syllabus.
248
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,960
She's been banging on
about that for years.
249
00:10:17,000 --> 00:10:19,280
Look, I'll do
everything I can.
250
00:10:19,320 --> 00:10:23,360
Great. Well, in advance,
a little crib sheet.
251
00:10:25,320 --> 00:10:27,640
The de-Fraser Code.
252
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,480
Can't grow a full beard.
253
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,880
Right,
skip the weakness section.
254
00:10:33,920 --> 00:10:36,120
Strengths.
There's your meat and two veg.
255
00:10:36,160 --> 00:10:38,760
Right. This stuff is not gonna
impress the committee.
256
00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:41,000
-Grade three on the oboe.
-It's really hard.
257
00:10:41,400 --> 00:10:42,920
-Not color blind.
-Yellow.
258
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:45,880
Appeared on Supermarket--
you appeared on
Supermarket Sweep?
259
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,880
I did.
260
00:10:47,920 --> 00:10:49,280
Right, the point is,
261
00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:51,720
this shit is not gonna
help me get your job back,
262
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:54,400
but you can do an
impression of Michael Caine.
263
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,880
Blow on me bloody doors.
264
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,880
Yeah, I'd... I'd maybe
put that one under weaknesses.
265
00:11:01,920 --> 00:11:04,520
I'm sorry. You did not invent
the "wassup" craze.
266
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:07,320
No one can prove that.
267
00:11:07,360 --> 00:11:10,240
Wassuuuuuuup.
268
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:12,600
One spaghetti bolognese,
and one--
269
00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:17,000
Unfolded calzone stromboli.
Ici, por favor.
270
00:11:18,960 --> 00:11:22,280
You do know that
calzones come folded?
271
00:11:22,320 --> 00:11:25,120
Yeah, but it's half the fun.
272
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,600
You are such a bell end.
273
00:11:42,840 --> 00:11:45,520
You see,
it should look like a lung.
274
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,240
Garcon, couple of straws!
275
00:11:49,280 --> 00:11:51,440
[smooth beat]
276
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:58,920
Well, um,
I've checked the numbers,
277
00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,680
four times,
278
00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:05,400
and our class candidate
for the school election
279
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:10,320
is definitely
Edmund Millbank.
280
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,400
[laughing]
281
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:13,600
[mumbles indistinct]
282
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,000
Jing, what are
the early forecasts?
283
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,560
The polls have Grayson
way out in the lead.
284
00:12:24,600 --> 00:12:27,240
The voters love his
tough economic stance.
285
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,320
And he's scares them shitless.
286
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:29,320
Where are the school accounts?
287
00:12:29,360 --> 00:12:30,520
Mitchell's working on it.
288
00:12:30,560 --> 00:12:32,280
[suspenseful music]
289
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:36,720
See? Told you the FBI website
was piss easy to hack, man.
290
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:38,120
I set up a campaign
Twitter account.
291
00:12:38,120 --> 00:12:39,840
Already got re-Tweet
from Myleene Klass.
292
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:41,320
Ah, great, about which policy?
293
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:44,120
-I said I love the hair.
-Well, that's a start.
294
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,960
What are we gonna do
about David Millbank?
295
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
-You mean, you didn't hear?
-No, what?
296
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:57,400
[indistinct chatter]
297
00:13:03,480 --> 00:13:05,920
Before we begin this hustings,
298
00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:08,400
I would like to extend
a very warm welcome
299
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:11,520
to those members of the
local education authority
300
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,440
who have joined us here today.
301
00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:16,000
And, the rules:
302
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,680
No swearing, no music,
303
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,440
no spitting, no nudity.
304
00:13:20,480 --> 00:13:23,320
And none of that
global warming nonsense.
305
00:13:23,360 --> 00:13:24,720
Everyone knows it's a hoopla
306
00:13:24,760 --> 00:13:27,920
invented by
tree-fingering socialists.
307
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:37,880
Good. So, to our first
speaker, Frank Grayson,
308
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,120
standing as a Conservative.
309
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:42,840
[applause]
310
00:13:48,760 --> 00:13:51,160
Welcome to the big society.
311
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:56,520
My motto, your problems ain't
got shit to do with me.
312
00:13:56,560 --> 00:14:00,520
The welfare state is brass.
313
00:14:00,560 --> 00:14:03,640
Policies:
I'm sacking the school nurse.
314
00:14:03,680 --> 00:14:06,840
She's pointless,
and she ain't even fit.
315
00:14:07,360 --> 00:14:09,280
And secondly...
316
00:14:09,320 --> 00:14:14,760
These nob heads, why waste my
hard-earned moneys on them,
317
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:20,000
when instead we could
spend it on this?
318
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:22,240
A massive sports day
this summer!
319
00:14:22,280 --> 00:14:24,760
I'm gonna build the school
essential facilities,
320
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,240
like a velodrome
and an equestrian center!
321
00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,480
You get me?
322
00:14:28,520 --> 00:14:33,160
So, vote for me,
or watch your back,
323
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:36,640
'cause in the big society,
324
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:41,400
no one can hear you scream.
325
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,640
[timid applause]
326
00:14:44,680 --> 00:14:47,160
All right, who's next?
Oh, this'll be good.
327
00:14:47,200 --> 00:14:48,720
It's Form K.
328
00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:51,360
[pacing music]
329
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,400
Cheers, sugartits.
I'll do the intros.
330
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,360
So, after being told
331
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,680
that I couldn't
enter this election,
332
00:15:00,720 --> 00:15:02,160
let alone win it,
333
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:05,120
here I am,
with my very own candidate.
334
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:07,560
From the under 25's category,
335
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:12,120
please welcome,
Joe Poulter!
336
00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:13,120
Here's your speech.
337
00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:16,200
-Whoo!
-[applause]
338
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:17,680
Change of plan.
339
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,000
I've written you my own.
340
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:22,960
A bit punchier.
341
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:26,800
How are those
accounts coming on?
342
00:15:26,840 --> 00:15:28,960
Mitchell's still
working on it.
343
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:30,360
And, with one click,
344
00:15:30,400 --> 00:15:34,640
Mr. Wickers is on the
world's Most Wanted list.
345
00:15:38,360 --> 00:15:40,760
Is that the PE teacher?
346
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:45,920
[anxious music]
347
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,200
[muted dialogue]
348
00:15:56,880 --> 00:15:59,120
You know, when you're
written off as a coward,
349
00:15:59,120 --> 00:16:01,440
it takes a lot of
guts to get back up,
350
00:16:01,480 --> 00:16:05,120
and show that woman
who you really are.
351
00:16:07,680 --> 00:16:10,320
Most politicians are like women.
352
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:14,520
Older women, in that they
don't care about you.
353
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,160
They patronize you.
354
00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,560
They don't listen to
you in the staff room
355
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,920
when you're telling
them about paintballing
356
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:22,520
at Chris Lammond's stag do.
357
00:16:22,560 --> 00:16:24,560
-[whispering]
Really good story.
-[whispering] What?
358
00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,160
[Joe] And like older women,
359
00:16:26,200 --> 00:16:28,720
politicians make you think
you've got a chance with them,
360
00:16:28,760 --> 00:16:32,560
only to shit on you
from up on their high horse.
361
00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,800
The other side.
362
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:43,560
And for the record,
I do smoke.
363
00:16:43,600 --> 00:16:45,800
I get high all the time.
364
00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:48,200
There's a photo
of me on Facebook,
365
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,800
smoking a joint at Glastonbury.
366
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:54,120
At least I think Henry
said it was weed,
367
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:58,560
but I couldn't hear,
'cause Moby was tearing
up the dance tent.
368
00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:01,840
[clapping]
369
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,800
Right, right, so that was
as weird as expected.
370
00:17:04,840 --> 00:17:06,480
-You nailed it.
-I didn't nail it.
371
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,280
I just embarrassed myself
in front of the whole school.
372
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:10,480
I never wanted to do this
stupid election thing, anyway.
373
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:14,720
OK, next up from Form M
is Edmund Millbank.
374
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:18,120
Wait, wait, sit down.
375
00:17:18,160 --> 00:17:21,280
OK, this clearly isn't
about the election anymore,
376
00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:25,440
because thanks to you know who,
it's been hijacked.
377
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:30,800
For once, could you behave
like a real teacher.
378
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,440
Um, for the record,
I am a real teacher.
379
00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:35,160
A real teacher wouldn't
force their pupils
380
00:17:35,200 --> 00:17:37,480
to do things
they don't want to do.
381
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:38,560
Homework.
382
00:17:38,600 --> 00:17:41,000
A real teacher
wouldn't put words
383
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:42,600
into their pupils' mouths.
384
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:44,600
French teacher.
Any language, actually.
385
00:17:44,640 --> 00:17:46,600
-You're embarrassing yourself.
-Oh, get a room.
386
00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,360
Oh, piss off!
387
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,360
[Pickwell] Yeah, okay.
388
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,320
I... I think we've had enough of
the Gulliver show for one day,
389
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:56,760
unless you've got...
I mean, unless you'd like
to humiliate yourself.
390
00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:01,320
Back off!
You menopausal witch!
391
00:18:02,640 --> 00:18:07,120
If you dare touch my garden,
or Freddie's tree,
392
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:11,360
I will personally ram
that hammer up your ass.
393
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:16,400
[students laughing]
394
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,600
Silence, silence!
395
00:18:20,640 --> 00:18:21,920
Pull yourselves together.
396
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:24,600
I'd like the rest
of this hustings
397
00:18:24,640 --> 00:18:26,120
to be conducted
with due decorum,
398
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:28,600
so back to the serious
business of this election,
399
00:18:28,640 --> 00:18:31,280
and our next candidate,
from Form B,
400
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:37,400
Ben Poppit, who represents
the... "the forces of good."
401
00:18:37,440 --> 00:18:40,520
[energetic beat music]
402
00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,200
I'm sorry for
getting carried away
403
00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:55,440
with the whole,
whole election stuff.
404
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:00,680
Your little
spectacle back there
405
00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:02,680
has played right into my hands.
406
00:19:02,720 --> 00:19:06,520
It's going to be even easier to
lance two irritating abscesses.
407
00:19:06,560 --> 00:19:08,840
You can't lance us.
408
00:19:08,880 --> 00:19:10,920
Oh, I can,
when I'm head mistress,
409
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,600
and the committee won't complain
after seeing that performance.
410
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,320
You'll both be out.
411
00:19:16,360 --> 00:19:19,280
Yeah? Well, that would be the
case, if it wasn't for the fact
412
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,160
that Fraser's gonna
get his job back.
413
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:24,920
Oh, stop pussy-parping,
Wicker's, Fraser doesn't
stand a chance.
414
00:19:24,960 --> 00:19:28,880
This is a 500-page character
assassination on Fraser.
415
00:19:28,920 --> 00:19:31,280
I've compiled one on all of you.
416
00:19:31,320 --> 00:19:34,160
-[door opens]
-[woman] Mr. Wickers, please.
417
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:42,120
And you are?
418
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:45,400
Alfie Wickers.
I teach Form K.
419
00:19:45,440 --> 00:19:47,320
Slow bunch, but, you know,
420
00:19:47,360 --> 00:19:50,160
kinda guys that you want
to go for a pint with.
421
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:52,960
Not like now, obviously,
422
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,120
'cause they're underage, but...
423
00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,320
I mean, most of them
are lightweights.
424
00:19:58,320 --> 00:20:01,400
I've never been for
a drink with them.
425
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:07,600
So, how would you
describe Shaquille Fraser?
426
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,240
You... Shaq... Shaquille?
427
00:20:12,560 --> 00:20:15,000
That's your first name?
428
00:20:15,400 --> 00:20:17,520
You said it was Simon.
429
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:21,920
Judging by that, you don't know
Mr. Fraser at all well.
430
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,600
[Alfie] No, look.
431
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:29,280
Shaquille may come across
as a bit of a guiche.
432
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:31,960
-No offense, Fraser.
-Standard banter.
433
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,720
[exhales]
434
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:37,600
Look, I've done some shit here
435
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:41,880
that at any other school
would definitely get me fired.
436
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:44,000
Maybe even arrested.
437
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:49,400
But, Fraser has never shouted
at me, never got me in trouble,
438
00:20:49,800 --> 00:20:53,360
and, you know,
he loves this school.
439
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:55,920
He'd do anything for it.
It's his life.
440
00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:00,600
And... I know it might
sound a bit lame,
441
00:21:00,640 --> 00:21:04,600
but he's genuinely one
of my best friends.
442
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:11,120
Well, I'm glad
you get on so well.
443
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:13,440
Unfortunately, this has
no bearing, whatsoever,
444
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,240
on his professional competency.
445
00:21:15,280 --> 00:21:21,120
Can you tell me one thing
Shaquille has achieved
as headmaster?
446
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:31,840
Do you guys remember... wassup?
447
00:21:32,360 --> 00:21:37,160
[fast-paced beat]
448
00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:39,440
[man speaks indistinct]
449
00:21:39,480 --> 00:21:41,440
You're up.
450
00:21:44,600 --> 00:21:46,240
Oh, God.
451
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:49,840
Well, the hour is nearly upon
us. What will I do first?
452
00:21:49,880 --> 00:21:52,720
Oh, maybe I'll build a
wicker man in the playground.
453
00:21:52,760 --> 00:21:54,840
I wonder who will go in it.
454
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,160
[Jing] Sir, sir!
455
00:21:57,200 --> 00:21:59,160
All right, coming.
456
00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:01,200
[whispers] What?
457
00:22:01,240 --> 00:22:04,400
-Look. It's the accounts.
-What?
458
00:22:04,800 --> 00:22:06,600
Oh, Jing, that's very sweet
of you, but it's too late.
459
00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:09,360
-Grayson's already won.
-No, look.
460
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:11,240
This column shows
the school's expenses,
461
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:13,680
and this column shows
Pickwell's withdrawals.
462
00:22:13,720 --> 00:22:15,200
They don't add up, you see?
463
00:22:15,240 --> 00:22:16,600
One hundred and forty pounds
in the school's expenses,
464
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,360
and 200 pounds in Pickwell's.
465
00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:21,320
She's been making that
withdraw every week for years.
466
00:22:21,360 --> 00:22:24,120
Right. Um, could you
explain that again?
467
00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:27,400
As though you were
explaining it to a child?
468
00:22:27,440 --> 00:22:30,360
Pickwell's been
fiddling her expenses.
469
00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,480
Oh, God, Jing!
470
00:22:34,520 --> 00:22:37,760
-I could kiss you!
-Please don't.
471
00:22:37,800 --> 00:22:41,200
-It might upset Chantelle.
-Well done.
472
00:22:46,800 --> 00:22:48,160
Why are you walking
like you soiled yourself?
473
00:22:48,200 --> 00:22:49,400
This is my swagger.
474
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,000
What have you got
to swagger about?
475
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,800
Read it and weep.
476
00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:55,280
Doubt it,
haven't wept since 1990.
477
00:22:55,320 --> 00:22:56,800
1990?
478
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,920
When she was hounded out
of office by her own party.
479
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,240
Well, talking of being
hounded out of office,
480
00:23:02,280 --> 00:23:04,920
it would appear as though
one member of staff
481
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:09,640
has been siphoning off
public money... you.
482
00:23:14,400 --> 00:23:15,640
This column?
483
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:28,400
Now, where's your evidence.
484
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:30,160
You think we
didn't make copies?
485
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:31,800
We made copies, right, Jing?
486
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,400
[in Chinese] No.
487
00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:38,840
Yeah, that is Chinese for many,
many, many, multiple copies.
488
00:23:38,880 --> 00:23:41,400
Yes, well I'll have
you arrested.
You stole this information.
489
00:23:41,440 --> 00:23:43,400
Well, maybe you could
tell the authorities?
490
00:23:43,440 --> 00:23:44,920
They're just in here.
I'm sure they wouldn't mind.
491
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:46,400
No, don't, please.
492
00:23:46,440 --> 00:23:50,920
Well, I suggest, if you want to
keep any kind of job,
493
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:55,560
you go in there, and tell your
little pals at the council
494
00:23:55,600 --> 00:23:58,800
that Fraser is the most
amazing headmaster
495
00:23:58,840 --> 00:24:01,760
you have ever had the
privilege of working for.
496
00:24:05,880 --> 00:24:11,320
Oh, and one more thing
I'll need you to arrange,
re: the election.
497
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:14,120
-Joe Poulter.
-Out of the question.
498
00:24:14,120 --> 00:24:16,200
Grayson's already
won by a landslide.
499
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:20,960
Joe doesn't even want to
be school president, Alfie.
500
00:24:21,000 --> 00:24:24,920
But I think it would mean
a great deal to Edmund.
501
00:24:24,960 --> 00:24:28,760
Actually,
I've got a better idea.
502
00:24:32,400 --> 00:24:37,560
And the winner of the Abbey
Grove election is, Ben Poppit.
503
00:24:37,600 --> 00:24:40,480
[applause]
504
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:46,120
With great power
comes great responsibility.
505
00:24:46,160 --> 00:24:47,240
Thank you.
506
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:48,640
[applause]
507
00:24:51,480 --> 00:24:55,640
[dance music]
508
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:31,880
I'm the headmaster!
509
00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:35,200
God, I've got to go outside.
I'm gonna be sick.
510
00:25:35,240 --> 00:25:36,560
I'm feeling quite drunk.
511
00:25:36,600 --> 00:25:37,920
Me too.
512
00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:40,400
That's because I decided
on a little celebration
513
00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:41,440
for getting my job back.
514
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,600
I spiked the punch.
515
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,480
Are you out of your mind?
516
00:25:45,520 --> 00:25:48,200
Not yet, but I do
need to sit down.
517
00:25:48,240 --> 00:25:50,880
Where's that wheelchair boy?
518
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:54,920
Remember, posture, eye contact,
519
00:25:54,960 --> 00:25:57,160
throw in some cute giggles,
maybe rest your hand on his arm,
520
00:25:57,200 --> 00:26:01,400
and then, tell him you'll
tug him off behind the bins.
521
00:26:06,840 --> 00:26:09,640
Car keys, anyone?
522
00:26:09,680 --> 00:26:11,320
No, thank you.
523
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:13,960
I couldn't anyway,
they're my dad's.
524
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:16,360
The more the merrier.
525
00:26:16,400 --> 00:26:20,760
[dance music]
526
00:26:28,960 --> 00:26:31,960
Joe, can you get me
some more punch?
527
00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,720
[slow music plays]
528
00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,000
You know when it's a new term,
529
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:41,920
and you get in your class,
530
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:44,120
and there's a kid,
531
00:26:44,160 --> 00:26:47,440
and he's got potential
but really frustrates you,
532
00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:49,960
because one day
they're a grade A,
533
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:53,480
and then the next day
they're just like a kid,
534
00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:55,240
who doesn't seem to care.
535
00:26:55,280 --> 00:26:59,600
But then, um,
by the end of the term,
536
00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:06,600
you realize that, um,
maybe they're perfect after all.
537
00:27:08,320 --> 00:27:12,840
I have that exact same
situation with Mitchell.
538
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:18,480
No, no, Alfie.
It's a... metaphor.
539
00:27:26,840 --> 00:27:28,320
[Chantelle sighs]
540
00:27:32,360 --> 00:27:33,360
Put it on, put it on.
541
00:27:33,400 --> 00:27:37,960
Um... I need, I need some air.
542
00:27:42,240 --> 00:27:46,360
♪ You are my
personal salmonella ♪
543
00:27:46,400 --> 00:27:48,440
♪ Going off on a holiday ♪
544
00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,240
♪ And having sex with Trevor ♪
545
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:54,800
♪ She's the
egg smashing woman ♪
546
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:57,480
♪ Egg smashing woman ♪
547
00:27:57,520 --> 00:28:00,520
♪ She's the
egg smashing woman ♪
548
00:28:00,560 --> 00:28:02,160
♪ And I am the egg ♪
549
00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:09,120
♪ I've been smashed
smashed by the woman ♪
550
00:28:09,160 --> 00:28:12,200
♪ You had sex with Trevor ♪
551
00:28:12,240 --> 00:28:16,360
♪ You fucking bitch ♪♪
552
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,280
[Alfie] So, that song
was dedicated to a woman
553
00:28:20,320 --> 00:28:22,560
called Rachel Perkins.
554
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,240
I am so over you,
555
00:28:25,280 --> 00:28:26,600
and yeah, Rachel,
556
00:28:26,640 --> 00:28:28,160
you can go around
school telling everyone
557
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:31,640
that I haven't had sex,
but two weeks ago,
558
00:28:31,680 --> 00:28:33,720
I got half a hand job
from Kelly Bright
559
00:28:33,760 --> 00:28:37,360
on the Coach on the way
home from Cheddar Gorge.