Yo, what's going down, my N-word?
[Alfie] Shh, Fraser, you've ruined it.
What the Harry Hilt, are you--
Conducting a seance, yes.
It's called interactive learning.
Yeah, well hold your Ouija boards
because today is the biggest day
in the school's sporting calendar.
It's the big footie match against Middleton House.
Really, hey...
Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year.
Sixteen of their state of the art MacBook Pros went missing.
-Seventeen, actually. -Now I've just heard that the PE teacher's
going to be unavailable for the game.
Slightly garbled message from him saying
that he'll either be back by two or in, uh, two to five years,
something to do with DNA evidence.
And I fit into this how?
I need someone to manage the team.
Chance to stand up to those posh, old bullies.
Tell 'em you ain't gonna be eating that biscuit no more.
[sighs] Not this again.
Why does everyone think that I was bullied at Middleton?
-Your girlie run. -The way you throw.
-Your Facebook wall. -I wasn't bullied, all right?
Come on, Alf, it's in the bag. We're unbeatable this season.
We're like the invincible arse gunners.
You know nothing about football, do you?
-No. -Do you know anything about sports?
I like the Red Arrows.
Whoosh!
So what do you say?
I guess I could.
Right, pack this up.
Sir, you promised we could talk to Hitler.
Well, it's not like he's going anywhere.
[upbeat music]
Yo, 'sup, team? [exhales]
This sesh is all about you getting to know
your new gaffer, yeah.
The boss man.
The special one.
Il Classico.
Why are you calling us team?
'Cause you're my guys, all right?
And I thought this match, a perfect opportunity
for you to get involved in the big game.
Hang on, what happened to the actual football team?
Nothing.
So the last man has to be behind and in front, um...
If it's two of them, it goes to deadlock.
And then it's done on public vote.
Yeah, that's the offside rule in a nutshell.
I can't believe you were ostracized
by the entire first team.
Ostracized, "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words."
Hang about, ain't there a second team?
Yeah.
So this'll be our celebration, right?
I call it the Purey, Purey Jig.
[imitating bird calls] Guys.
Look, sometimes, it's good to have a little re-jig of the team.
I mean look at...
The Sugababes.
You know jack shit about football.
Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom,
there's a certain Goonersaurus duvet
that would beg to differ.
Did you just invite me to your bedroom?
[Chantelle] I'll play.
Great, you play?
She's had one on ones with some of the game's big names.
-And a couple of two on ones. -Who?
A lady never breaks a super injunction.
Okay, Jing, are you in?
Bring the team some of that unflappable
far eastern work ethic?
It's not a national sport but there's that fellow
that plays for United.
[in Chinese] The man you're thinking of is a
professional football player from South Korea, you ignorant
toilet brained clown.
-Yeah, that's his name. So... -Not in a million years.
Come on, one of you must want to play.
I'm pretty good at football.
Yeah, he is. He's just like Ashley Cole.
That's very sweet, but don't be silly.
Look, we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid football game
is just to get back at your old school for bullying ya.
Oh, my God, why does everyone assume
that I would be a victim of bullies?
-Oy, dickwad. -Hello, Grayson.
-What's my position? -You... you wanna play?
Look, I'll play for this team, all right, Downton.
But only because I wanna hospitalize some toffs.
This doesn't mean we're mates
and I still think you're a piece.
Great, um, but I thought you weren't allowed to play.
Yeah, well, I'm back now, innit?
-I finished serving my ban. -Why were you banned?
Off the ball incident.
What was it? Two for a tackle?
-Arson. -All right. Good.
See, that is exactly the kind of passion
that I'm looking for.
I think I found myself a skipper.
So who else wants to join the revolution
with me and my buddy, Frank?
You call me that again and I'll fire bomb your shed.
Me and my colleague here, Mr. Grayson.
We're gonna get dicked on.
[sighs]
No one?
Please, I'm desperate.
What have I got to do to convince you to play?
[phone ringing]
[voice mail] Hi, you are through to Alfie Wickers.
Sorry I can't take your call right now,
but I'm busy cranking one out to loose women.
[laughing]
No not Vorderman or McLean.
I am... [sighs] stiffin' for McGiffin.
[laughing]
Please leave a message after the tone.
All right then, deal.
Okay, right, time to hit the pitch.
I wanna see what you got in your lockers.
-A flare gun and some porn. -Not yours.
[smooth music]
[knocking on door]
Um, you wanted to see me?
Why, yes, Miss. Gulliver.
[clears throat]
Rosie, do come in.
So, what's this about?
Oh, you know, just a matter really, just a,
you know, how long has it been since we've had a good girly catch up?
Um...
-Forever? -Yeah, yeah, it does...
It feels that way doesn't it? Yeah...
So, um...
How is your current sexual slash romantic partner?
Um...
What am I like, ey, with the gossip?
No, now listen, I've been thinking about this for a while,
and I think it's time that I do something
that may shake you to the core,
but, um, how attractive do you think I am?
Look, I think you might have misread some signals.
No, it's just that, you see, I've heard that
Middleton House are looking for a new Deputy Head
and I would really love that transfer.
[exhales]
Oh... [laughs]
Um...
You look...
Handsome.
[laughs] Really?
You're not just saying that?
You know... This is not too much?
No, it's very... subtle.
Right.
Gosh, you know, we should...
we should do this more often, yeah.
Menstruating much at the moment?
Please, can I leave?
So how's the old footie thing going?
[groans] Not great actually.
Look, I think you maybe should just call them up and tell them--
Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson.
The pundit from MOTo'D.
We are not going to play them at football.
[exhales] Well, that's a relief because we are shit.
We are gonna beat them psychologically.
We may not have the resources of St. Poshington's,
but let's see how they like it when they come face-to-face with our ghetto hell.
Safe blood, Matron's my bitch now.
[glass shattering]
Welcome to thug life.
[hip hop music]
This match must be quite a big deal for you.
Chance to pay back those bullies.
I was actually quite popular at Middleton,
they used to call me Scratchy.
It's kind of my DJ name.
I used to spin the tunes at the raves.
Raves at Middleton House?
Well, there's the Hunt Ball.
Out of my way, Wickers, thank you.
Any idea why Pickwell's come dressed as a tranny today?
She's job hunting, she's probably overdone it
with her make-up and her suit.
And her dick.
Oh, look, here they come.
[indistinct chatter]
Swanning in like they own the place.
Although, technically, I think their trust does actually own the land.
-[students chuckling] -What a Wickers.
[chuckles]
Glad to see that one's stood the test of time.
Terribly sorry, old chap, would you mind awfully
throwing us that ball back?
[laughs nervously]
Go on, old chap.
You don't think he was talking to you?
Why would he have... all right, okay, lazy.
[laughing]
[all] What a Wickers!
[man] Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
If it isn't Alfie Wickers, you spineless little tag nut.
Sir.
Vilest dingleberry it was ever my misfortune to pluck.
Remind me what was it we used to call you?
Scratchy wasn't it, because you used to--
Have stress-induced Eczema.
He used to sit in class scratching himself like a junkie.
I can't wait to stick it to your bunch of benefit scrounging gutter monkeys.
Now, who's the limp dick in command here anyway?
-I am. -Who is?
-Scratchy is. -Scratchy is what?
Scratchy is the limp dick in charge
of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys, sir.
[laughing]
What's that man's problem?
Basically something happened
between me and him when I was in second year,
but I'd rather not talk about it.
-Why not? -Because it's embarrassing.
Because I'm a man, you know,
I'd rather just keep it a secret.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Alfie, I'm so sorry.
That's so brave of you.
Well... it's really no biggie, you know, shit happens.
Was there no one you could talk to about it?
Well, I mean, I guess if I really wanted to talk
I could've gone to confession.
-Confession? -Yeah.
Middleton House was Catholic.
[scoffs]
Yeah, of course it was.
Oh, Alfie, poor thing.
Poor, little thing.
Remember whatever we were,
wherever we go, yes means yes and no means no.
[electronic music]
Cup of rosy lea, my old lover.
-Darjleeing, two sugars. -I'm head of maths.
Good, then you won't cock up the sugars, will you?
[Pickwell clears throat]
Everything okay?
It will be once Hopalong Haversham
takes it up a gear with my tea.
You must be Mr. Humpage.
Pickwell's the name, Deputy Head here,
but you can call me Isobel.
Isobel? What was it before?
Isambad, did you pick it yourself?
No, my parents chose it.
Your parents are supporting this?
Are they liberals are they?
May I take you on a small guided tour?
Yes, why don't you show me around
this spittoon of pig shit, there's a good lad.
I would be honored.
So, um, tell me exactly what position do you hold
at Middleton House?
High tutor of sports and Grand Master of Dragon House.
Oh, wow, that's very impressive.
Well, it's one below Supreme High Wizard.
Sounds a bit like the Klu Klux Klan.
Yes. We also wear the hoods, nothing else.
[laughing]
[hip hop music]
[shouting and cheering]
Looks like them public school kids be bare brickin' it, you get me?
Really?
[students shouting]
Unbelievable.
[Pickwell] Here we have the jewel in our crown,
our computer block, ta-da.
Ooh, impressive.
Reminds me of the set up we used to have
before the damned things went missing last year.
No doubt pilfered by some oink to help fund
scratch cards and popcorn chicken.
Never mind, we soon replaced them.
Raffled off one of our Rembrandts.
Well, it must be very rewarding working
at somewhere like Middleton House.
You know what I like about you, Isobel?
You're a straight shooter.
You wear your dick on your sleeve.
No, it's just, it's just a--
We could use a chap like you at our place
especially since Watkins succumbed
to the old teacher's curse.
-Oh, depression. -Gout.
There's only so much foie gras a gentleman can take.
I'll be happy to put you forward for the job.
How's that tickle your knackers?
Oh, they are tickled.
There must be something.
Talk to me, Kammy.
[narrator] At which point, Alan McInally let out a massive fart.
Me and Charlie Nicholas were in fits,
but Stelling, he never broke stride.
What a professional.
Unbelievable, Jeff.
Look, guys.
It doesn't matter who they are
or how much better they are than you.
When you get out there,
it's ten against ten and anything can happen.
You mean 11.
Yeah, 11.
It's 11.
[rhythmic music]
[whistle blowing]
You can do it!
[whistle blowing]
Ow.
-You... twat! -You pig.
We need to shoot a goal, guys.
[suspenseful music]
[whistle blowing]
Cowardly.
Do a head butt.
[whistle blowing]
[cheering]
Goal!
[horn blowing]
[coughing]
[crowd cheering]
That's rubbish.
[all talking at once]
[nails screeching]
What?
-What? -I don't know.
It's just that,
it looked like you were gonna say something.
I don't know, something deep?
To get us motivated for the second half.
There's a second half?
-Oh, my days. -I knew that.
-[knocking on door] -Alfie? A word.
Look, this is ridiculous.
We're playing like the school equivalent
of Man United and one of my team is in a wheelchair.
He's not even the worst.
He's the only person in the first half
to have won a header.
Look, Alfie.
It's understandable.
Seeing the man again can trigger suppressed emotions.
Honestly, I'm fine, I'm so over it.
It was so long ago, I was like 15.
Jesus.
Look, Alfie, I know you're traumatized,
but remember what I said.
It's not your fault.
Well, it kinda was.
No, Alfie, it's not, you're the victim.
Say it, it's not my fault.
[both] It's not my fault.
-Doesn't that feel better? -Not really.
Look, I've been thinking, can't I just throw in the towel?
No, this is more than the match now.
If you win this, you're not winning for you
but all the people out there who've had
their voices taken away by beasts like Humpage.
Don't let him win.
Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right.
This game does mean a lot.
-You can do it. -I can.
-Come on! -I can do it, come on!
Okay, people.
Do you want to know what Middleton House
is saying about us right now?
[Humpage] Assholes!
They're also saying
that we are just gonna bend over and take it.
So they got my group text?
You know I heard some of them say
about one of you in particular, who will remain nameless,
was so ugly, pathetic
and physically deformed that they should get
a Pride of Britain Award just for not killing themselves.
[all gasping]
Now are we really gonna take that?
Or are we, for Joe's sake, gonna say no.
Let's show them, quitting is out of the question.
When it gets tough, we gotta fight some more.
We've gotta fight. Fight!
[team shouting]
-Fight for this love! -[all] Yes!
Ready your breakfasts and eat hearty.
For tonight, we dine in hell!
Now let's get out there.
This... is... Sparta!
[cheering]
[triumphant music]
Rem Dogg's injured.
Puncture.
Can I play second half, sir?
All right, Stephen, you're up.
[squealing]
This is the ball, okay?
Mitchell will pass you the ball
and then you kick it straight to Grayson.
Understand?
[whistle blowing]
[upbeat music plays]
[whistle blowing]
[cheering]
Goal!
[cheering]
Sprinkler!
Do the sprinkler!
Come on, you shrimp stuffers!
[Humpage shouting drowned out by music]
Get in!
What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you?
Get your tits out, get your tits out.
Come now.
More goal! Yes!
[cheering]
[shouting]
[whistle blowing]
Okay, do you wanna party?
You wanna party, right.
Let's heat this party up.
Oh, yeah, Humpage.
I like to party and I been to far hotter parties than this.
In fact, I like to party in a sauna.
Yeah, and I've partied with far bigger men than you.
I can go all night long.
Okay.
Come on, Middleton!
[whistle blows]
[Alfie] Come on, Abbey Grove.
[suspenseful music]
Have at it.
Do it, sir.
[Humpage] You stupid, little, quitting, quitting quitter.
Q-U-I-T-T-E-R spells quitter,
quit, quit, quit, quitless, quitter.
Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter.
All you do is quit, that's all you're good for.
You're only good for quitting.
Quitter, you quitter.
You quitter...
[groans] [screams]
[sirens blaring]
What have you done?
If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body...
Wickers, Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy.
But I only ever wanted the best for you.
You finally got what you deserved, you pig.
Steady on.
After everything you put him through,
you should be ashamed of yourself.
What I put him through? It was his fault.
How dare you say that?
Of course it's not his fault, he's the victim.
Why do you keep calling me the victim?
Because you are, Alfie, don't you see?
[sighs] Enough is enough, you've got to accept it,
you are the victim of a rapist.
What?
Yes, that's right, you heard me.
You are a rapist, you raped poor Alfie.
What are you talking about? No, I didn't.
[all laughing]
Um... Mr. Humpage definitely didn't rape me.
Where did you get that idea?
Alfie, you said something went on in the second year.
Yeah, I quit his sports team.
You were the most promising student I ever coached.
You could've gone pro.
When you threw it away, it tore me up inside.
Hang on, you said you didn't want to talk about it
because for a man it's embarrassing.
But there's nothing embarrassing about
quitting a football team.
Um, wait. Uh...
What sport are we talking about here?
-Weightlifting. -Irish dancing.
[laughing]
You should've seen his soft shoehorn pipe.
We had such plans.
First we'd take Broadway, then the world.
I mean who else would ever thought
of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing?
The day you turned your back on dance
was the day you shattered my dreams.
Oh... [laughs]
Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.
Right, get the ambulance!
My future job prospects could be dying here.
Do it for me, Alfie, one more time.
Before I go.
I couldn't, I... I can't.
I haven't warmed up, I might pull something.
Go on, Alfie.
I can't wait to see this.
[all talking at once]
Just one last time.
[dramatic triumphant music]
[clapping]
So, that's it really.
I don't know why I gave it up.
Gay.
[laughing]
That's why.
Not bad but it lacked a little panache.
Let's go again.
And that's the other.
[whistle blowing]
Match abandoned, it's a draw.
[cheering]
[cheerful triumphant music]