1 00:00:05,520 --> 00:00:08,160 Yo, what's going down, my N-word? 2 00:00:08,160 --> 00:00:10,360 [Alfie] Shh, Fraser, you've ruined it. 3 00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:12,400 What the Harry Hilt, are you-- 4 00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,000 Conducting a seance, yes. 5 00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:15,280 It's called interactive learning. 6 00:00:15,280 --> 00:00:16,640 Yeah, well hold your Ouija boards 7 00:00:16,640 --> 00:00:17,920 because today is the biggest day 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:19,600 in the school's sporting calendar. 9 00:00:19,600 --> 00:00:22,120 It's the big footie match against Middleton House. 10 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:24,560 Really, hey... 11 00:00:24,560 --> 00:00:28,920 Yes, but you can understand that they're a little sensitive after last year. 12 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,000 Sixteen of their state of the art MacBook Pros went missing. 13 00:00:32,000 --> 00:00:35,280 -Seventeen, actually. -Now I've just heard that the PE teacher's 14 00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,200 going to be unavailable for the game. 15 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:39,800 Slightly garbled message from him saying 16 00:00:39,800 --> 00:00:43,000 that he'll either be back by two or in, uh, two to five years, 17 00:00:43,000 --> 00:00:45,480 something to do with DNA evidence. 18 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:46,800 And I fit into this how? 19 00:00:46,800 --> 00:00:48,400 I need someone to manage the team. 20 00:00:48,400 --> 00:00:50,240 Chance to stand up to those posh, old bullies. 21 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,600 Tell 'em you ain't gonna be eating that biscuit no more. 22 00:00:52,600 --> 00:00:54,200 [sighs] Not this again. 23 00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:56,240 Why does everyone think that I was bullied at Middleton? 24 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,840 -Your girlie run. -The way you throw. 25 00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,960 -Your Facebook wall. -I wasn't bullied, all right? 26 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:03,160 Come on, Alf, it's in the bag. We're unbeatable this season. 27 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:05,640 We're like the invincible arse gunners. 28 00:01:07,400 --> 00:01:08,440 You know nothing about football, do you? 29 00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:10,760 -No. -Do you know anything about sports? 30 00:01:10,760 --> 00:01:12,200 I like the Red Arrows. 31 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:13,200 Whoosh! 32 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,800 So what do you say? 33 00:01:15,800 --> 00:01:16,800 I guess I could. 34 00:01:16,800 --> 00:01:17,400 Right, pack this up. 35 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:19,240 Sir, you promised we could talk to Hitler. 36 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,360 Well, it's not like he's going anywhere. 37 00:01:22,000 --> 00:01:24,400 [upbeat music] 38 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:54,840 Yo, 'sup, team? [exhales] 39 00:01:54,840 --> 00:01:58,320 This sesh is all about you getting to know 40 00:01:58,320 --> 00:02:01,400 your new gaffer, yeah. 41 00:02:01,400 --> 00:02:03,000 The boss man. 42 00:02:04,360 --> 00:02:06,200 The special one. 43 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,280 Il Classico. 44 00:02:08,280 --> 00:02:11,440 Why are you calling us team? 45 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,600 'Cause you're my guys, all right? 46 00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,720 And I thought this match, a perfect opportunity 47 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:17,440 for you to get involved in the big game. 48 00:02:17,440 --> 00:02:21,240 Hang on, what happened to the actual football team? 49 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,240 Nothing. 50 00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:30,000 So the last man has to be behind and in front, um... 51 00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,320 If it's two of them, it goes to deadlock. 52 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,800 And then it's done on public vote. 53 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:37,880 Yeah, that's the offside rule in a nutshell. 54 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,880 I can't believe you were ostracized 55 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,280 by the entire first team. 56 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:47,400 Ostracized, "Oh, my name's Joe and I use long words." 57 00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:50,000 Hang about, ain't there a second team? 58 00:02:50,000 --> 00:02:51,400 Yeah. 59 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,360 So this'll be our celebration, right? 60 00:02:54,360 --> 00:02:56,760 I call it the Purey, Purey Jig. 61 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,160 [imitating bird calls] Guys. 62 00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:04,160 Look, sometimes, it's good to have a little re-jig of the team. 63 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:06,520 I mean look at... 64 00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:08,680 The Sugababes. 65 00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:10,680 You know jack shit about football. 66 00:03:10,680 --> 00:03:12,640 Well, Mitchell, if you came to my bedroom, 67 00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:14,560 there's a certain Goonersaurus duvet 68 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:15,960 that would beg to differ. 69 00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,760 Did you just invite me to your bedroom? 70 00:03:17,760 --> 00:03:19,000 [Chantelle] I'll play. 71 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:20,560 Great, you play? 72 00:03:20,560 --> 00:03:22,840 She's had one on ones with some of the game's big names. 73 00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:25,120 -And a couple of two on ones. -Who? 74 00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:28,000 A lady never breaks a super injunction. 75 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:33,120 Okay, Jing, are you in? 76 00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:35,280 Bring the team some of that unflappable 77 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:36,760 far eastern work ethic? 78 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,840 It's not a national sport but there's that fellow 79 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:40,280 that plays for United. 80 00:03:40,280 --> 00:03:41,920 [in Chinese] The man you're thinking of is a 81 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,480 professional football player from South Korea, you ignorant 82 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:45,480 toilet brained clown. 83 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:49,360 -Yeah, that's his name. So... -Not in a million years. 84 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:52,120 Come on, one of you must want to play. 85 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,360 I'm pretty good at football. 86 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,400 Yeah, he is. He's just like Ashley Cole. 87 00:03:55,400 --> 00:03:57,960 That's very sweet, but don't be silly. 88 00:03:57,960 --> 00:04:00,600 Look, we all know the only reason you want us to play this stupid football game 89 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,800 is just to get back at your old school for bullying ya. 90 00:04:02,800 --> 00:04:04,640 Oh, my God, why does everyone assume 91 00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:06,560 that I would be a victim of bullies? 92 00:04:06,560 --> 00:04:08,720 -Oy, dickwad. -Hello, Grayson. 93 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:11,480 -What's my position? -You... you wanna play? 94 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,600 Look, I'll play for this team, all right, Downton. 95 00:04:13,600 --> 00:04:16,480 But only because I wanna hospitalize some toffs. 96 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:17,960 This doesn't mean we're mates 97 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:20,400 and I still think you're a piece. 98 00:04:20,400 --> 00:04:24,120 Great, um, but I thought you weren't allowed to play. 99 00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,680 Yeah, well, I'm back now, innit? 100 00:04:25,680 --> 00:04:28,400 -I finished serving my ban. -Why were you banned? 101 00:04:28,400 --> 00:04:29,480 Off the ball incident. 102 00:04:29,480 --> 00:04:31,280 What was it? Two for a tackle? 103 00:04:31,280 --> 00:04:35,680 -Arson. -All right. Good. 104 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:39,280 See, that is exactly the kind of passion 105 00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:40,720 that I'm looking for. 106 00:04:40,720 --> 00:04:43,720 I think I found myself a skipper. 107 00:04:43,720 --> 00:04:48,120 So who else wants to join the revolution 108 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:51,280 with me and my buddy, Frank? 109 00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:53,960 You call me that again and I'll fire bomb your shed. 110 00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:59,640 Me and my colleague here, Mr. Grayson. 111 00:04:59,640 --> 00:05:01,800 We're gonna get dicked on. 112 00:05:01,800 --> 00:05:03,240 [sighs] 113 00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,760 No one? 114 00:05:06,760 --> 00:05:09,320 Please, I'm desperate. 115 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:12,600 What have I got to do to convince you to play? 116 00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:19,120 [phone ringing] 117 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,640 [voice mail] Hi, you are through to Alfie Wickers. 118 00:05:21,640 --> 00:05:24,480 Sorry I can't take your call right now, 119 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:26,960 but I'm busy cranking one out to loose women. 120 00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:28,120 [laughing] 121 00:05:28,120 --> 00:05:31,160 No not Vorderman or McLean. 122 00:05:31,160 --> 00:05:36,720 I am... [sighs] stiffin' for McGiffin. 123 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:37,960 [laughing] 124 00:05:37,960 --> 00:05:40,960 Please leave a message after the tone. 125 00:05:40,960 --> 00:05:43,480 All right then, deal. 126 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,240 Okay, right, time to hit the pitch. 127 00:05:46,240 --> 00:05:47,600 I wanna see what you got in your lockers. 128 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,800 -A flare gun and some porn. -Not yours. 129 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:55,240 [smooth music] 130 00:05:57,560 --> 00:05:58,600 [knocking on door] 131 00:05:58,600 --> 00:06:00,520 Um, you wanted to see me? 132 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:03,400 Why, yes, Miss. Gulliver. 133 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,720 [clears throat] 134 00:06:04,720 --> 00:06:07,760 Rosie, do come in. 135 00:06:10,680 --> 00:06:12,800 So, what's this about? 136 00:06:12,800 --> 00:06:15,280 Oh, you know, just a matter really, just a, 137 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:19,240 you know, how long has it been since we've had a good girly catch up? 138 00:06:19,240 --> 00:06:20,640 Um... 139 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,480 -Forever? -Yeah, yeah, it does... 140 00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,600 It feels that way doesn't it? Yeah... 141 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:30,920 So, um... 142 00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:36,320 How is your current sexual slash romantic partner? 143 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:39,440 Um... 144 00:06:39,440 --> 00:06:41,880 What am I like, ey, with the gossip? 145 00:06:41,880 --> 00:06:44,720 No, now listen, I've been thinking about this for a while, 146 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,680 and I think it's time that I do something 147 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:49,240 that may shake you to the core, 148 00:06:49,240 --> 00:06:53,800 but, um, how attractive do you think I am? 149 00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:58,840 Look, I think you might have misread some signals. 150 00:06:58,840 --> 00:07:00,360 No, it's just that, you see, I've heard that 151 00:07:00,360 --> 00:07:02,560 Middleton House are looking for a new Deputy Head 152 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:05,320 and I would really love that transfer. 153 00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:06,640 [exhales] 154 00:07:06,640 --> 00:07:08,920 Oh... [laughs] 155 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,520 Um... 156 00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:12,880 You look... 157 00:07:14,800 --> 00:07:16,360 Handsome. 158 00:07:16,360 --> 00:07:20,000 [laughs] Really? 159 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,800 You're not just saying that? 160 00:07:21,800 --> 00:07:24,800 You know... This is not too much? 161 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:29,600 No, it's very... subtle. 162 00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:31,160 Right. 163 00:07:31,160 --> 00:07:32,440 Gosh, you know, we should... 164 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,000 we should do this more often, yeah. 165 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:40,480 Menstruating much at the moment? 166 00:07:40,480 --> 00:07:42,600 Please, can I leave? 167 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,840 So how's the old footie thing going? 168 00:07:44,840 --> 00:07:46,640 [groans] Not great actually. 169 00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,640 Look, I think you maybe should just call them up and tell them-- 170 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:52,600 Way ahead of you, Alfen Hanson. 171 00:07:52,600 --> 00:07:55,640 The pundit from MOTo'D. 172 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:58,440 We are not going to play them at football. 173 00:07:58,440 --> 00:08:01,640 [exhales] Well, that's a relief because we are shit. 174 00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,640 We are gonna beat them psychologically. 175 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,480 We may not have the resources of St. Poshington's, 176 00:08:07,480 --> 00:08:12,360 but let's see how they like it when they come face-to-face with our ghetto hell. 177 00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:17,360 Safe blood, Matron's my bitch now. 178 00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,800 [glass shattering] 179 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,360 Welcome to thug life. 180 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:23,480 [hip hop music] 181 00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,520 This match must be quite a big deal for you. 182 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:29,480 Chance to pay back those bullies. 183 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:31,160 I was actually quite popular at Middleton, 184 00:08:31,160 --> 00:08:32,960 they used to call me Scratchy. 185 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:34,800 It's kind of my DJ name. 186 00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:36,960 I used to spin the tunes at the raves. 187 00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:40,160 Raves at Middleton House? 188 00:08:40,160 --> 00:08:42,800 Well, there's the Hunt Ball. 189 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:47,280 Out of my way, Wickers, thank you. 190 00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:50,400 Any idea why Pickwell's come dressed as a tranny today? 191 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:52,120 She's job hunting, she's probably overdone it 192 00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,920 with her make-up and her suit. 193 00:08:54,920 --> 00:08:56,760 And her dick. 194 00:08:57,840 --> 00:08:59,520 Oh, look, here they come. 195 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:02,720 [indistinct chatter] 196 00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,760 Swanning in like they own the place. 197 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:08,840 Although, technically, I think their trust does actually own the land. 198 00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:12,520 -[students chuckling] -What a Wickers. 199 00:09:12,520 --> 00:09:13,720 [chuckles] 200 00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,800 Glad to see that one's stood the test of time. 201 00:09:26,480 --> 00:09:28,560 Terribly sorry, old chap, would you mind awfully 202 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:30,520 throwing us that ball back? 203 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:31,920 [laughs nervously] 204 00:09:31,920 --> 00:09:35,240 Go on, old chap. 205 00:09:35,240 --> 00:09:38,160 You don't think he was talking to you? 206 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:43,800 Why would he have... all right, okay, lazy. 207 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:47,200 [laughing] 208 00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,320 [all] What a Wickers! 209 00:09:50,320 --> 00:09:53,440 [man] Well, well, well, well, well, well, well. 210 00:09:53,440 --> 00:09:59,000 If it isn't Alfie Wickers, you spineless little tag nut. 211 00:09:59,000 --> 00:10:00,480 Sir. 212 00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:03,320 Vilest dingleberry it was ever my misfortune to pluck. 213 00:10:03,320 --> 00:10:04,960 Remind me what was it we used to call you? 214 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,440 Scratchy wasn't it, because you used to-- 215 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:08,800 Have stress-induced Eczema. 216 00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:14,320 He used to sit in class scratching himself like a junkie. 217 00:10:14,320 --> 00:10:19,240 I can't wait to stick it to your bunch of benefit scrounging gutter monkeys. 218 00:10:19,240 --> 00:10:21,920 Now, who's the limp dick in command here anyway? 219 00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:23,760 -I am. -Who is? 220 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,520 -Scratchy is. -Scratchy is what? 221 00:10:25,520 --> 00:10:27,000 Scratchy is the limp dick in charge 222 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:31,400 of the benefit scrounging gutter monkeys, sir. 223 00:10:31,400 --> 00:10:33,800 [laughing] 224 00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,400 What's that man's problem? 225 00:10:39,760 --> 00:10:42,840 Basically something happened 226 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,440 between me and him when I was in second year, 227 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,960 but I'd rather not talk about it. 228 00:10:48,960 --> 00:10:51,880 -Why not? -Because it's embarrassing. 229 00:10:51,880 --> 00:10:56,240 Because I'm a man, you know, 230 00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,840 I'd rather just keep it a secret. 231 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:04,920 Oh, my God. 232 00:11:04,920 --> 00:11:07,600 Oh, Alfie, I'm so sorry. 233 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,440 That's so brave of you. 234 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,640 Well... it's really no biggie, you know, shit happens. 235 00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:15,960 Was there no one you could talk to about it? 236 00:11:15,960 --> 00:11:18,240 Well, I mean, I guess if I really wanted to talk 237 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:19,760 I could've gone to confession. 238 00:11:19,760 --> 00:11:21,680 -Confession? -Yeah. 239 00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:23,720 Middleton House was Catholic. 240 00:11:23,720 --> 00:11:25,320 [scoffs] 241 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:27,320 Yeah, of course it was. 242 00:11:29,400 --> 00:11:33,120 Oh, Alfie, poor thing. 243 00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:35,880 Poor, little thing. 244 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:39,000 Remember whatever we were, 245 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:43,240 wherever we go, yes means yes and no means no. 246 00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:46,160 [electronic music] 247 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:47,920 Cup of rosy lea, my old lover. 248 00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,840 -Darjleeing, two sugars. -I'm head of maths. 249 00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:53,400 Good, then you won't cock up the sugars, will you? 250 00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,400 [Pickwell clears throat] 251 00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,640 Everything okay? 252 00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,680 It will be once Hopalong Haversham 253 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:00,520 takes it up a gear with my tea. 254 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,400 You must be Mr. Humpage. 255 00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:05,520 Pickwell's the name, Deputy Head here, 256 00:12:05,520 --> 00:12:07,600 but you can call me Isobel. 257 00:12:07,600 --> 00:12:09,760 Isobel? What was it before? 258 00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:12,400 Isambad, did you pick it yourself? 259 00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,720 No, my parents chose it. 260 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:17,800 Your parents are supporting this? 261 00:12:17,800 --> 00:12:19,160 Are they liberals are they? 262 00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,920 May I take you on a small guided tour? 263 00:12:22,920 --> 00:12:24,400 Yes, why don't you show me around 264 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:26,680 this spittoon of pig shit, there's a good lad. 265 00:12:26,680 --> 00:12:28,200 I would be honored. 266 00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:33,120 So, um, tell me exactly what position do you hold 267 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,600 at Middleton House? 268 00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,600 High tutor of sports and Grand Master of Dragon House. 269 00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,560 Oh, wow, that's very impressive. 270 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:43,560 Well, it's one below Supreme High Wizard. 271 00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,480 Sounds a bit like the Klu Klux Klan. 272 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:48,960 Yes. We also wear the hoods, nothing else. 273 00:12:48,960 --> 00:12:50,320 [laughing] 274 00:12:50,320 --> 00:12:52,320 [hip hop music] 275 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,680 [shouting and cheering] 276 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:04,200 Looks like them public school kids be bare brickin' it, you get me? 277 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,200 Really? 278 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,560 [students shouting] 279 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:29,760 Unbelievable. 280 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,880 [Pickwell] Here we have the jewel in our crown, 281 00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,440 our computer block, ta-da. 282 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:39,160 Ooh, impressive. 283 00:13:39,160 --> 00:13:41,320 Reminds me of the set up we used to have 284 00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:44,240 before the damned things went missing last year. 285 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,360 No doubt pilfered by some oink to help fund 286 00:13:47,360 --> 00:13:49,840 scratch cards and popcorn chicken. 287 00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,880 Never mind, we soon replaced them. 288 00:13:52,880 --> 00:13:55,400 Raffled off one of our Rembrandts. 289 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,160 Well, it must be very rewarding working 290 00:13:57,160 --> 00:13:59,320 at somewhere like Middleton House. 291 00:13:59,320 --> 00:14:03,800 You know what I like about you, Isobel? 292 00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:05,360 You're a straight shooter. 293 00:14:05,360 --> 00:14:08,200 You wear your dick on your sleeve. 294 00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:09,760 No, it's just, it's just a-- 295 00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:12,800 We could use a chap like you at our place 296 00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:14,400 especially since Watkins succumbed 297 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:16,440 to the old teacher's curse. 298 00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,160 -Oh, depression. -Gout. 299 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,960 There's only so much foie gras a gentleman can take. 300 00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:25,000 I'll be happy to put you forward for the job. 301 00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,800 How's that tickle your knackers? 302 00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:29,320 Oh, they are tickled. 303 00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:37,880 There must be something. 304 00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:40,320 Talk to me, Kammy. 305 00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,880 [narrator] At which point, Alan McInally let out a massive fart. 306 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:46,400 Me and Charlie Nicholas were in fits, 307 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,920 but Stelling, he never broke stride. 308 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:50,400 What a professional. 309 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,720 Unbelievable, Jeff. 310 00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:02,400 Look, guys. 311 00:15:02,400 --> 00:15:04,560 It doesn't matter who they are 312 00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:06,920 or how much better they are than you. 313 00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:08,640 When you get out there, 314 00:15:08,640 --> 00:15:12,840 it's ten against ten and anything can happen. 315 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:16,000 You mean 11. 316 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,320 Yeah, 11. 317 00:15:20,520 --> 00:15:22,360 It's 11. 318 00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:27,800 [rhythmic music] 319 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:29,880 [whistle blowing] 320 00:15:34,360 --> 00:15:36,600 You can do it! 321 00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:39,000 You can do it! 322 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,720 [whistle blowing] 323 00:15:43,240 --> 00:15:44,480 Ow. 324 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:51,360 -You... twat! -You pig. 325 00:15:51,360 --> 00:15:53,680 We need to shoot a goal, guys. 326 00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,680 [suspenseful music] 327 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:11,560 [whistle blowing] 328 00:16:17,720 --> 00:16:19,200 [whistle blowing] 329 00:16:21,280 --> 00:16:22,880 Cowardly. 330 00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:24,440 Do a head butt. 331 00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:29,800 [whistle blowing] 332 00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:37,560 [cheering] 333 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:38,840 Goal! 334 00:16:43,240 --> 00:16:48,320 [horn blowing] 335 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:51,440 [coughing] 336 00:16:56,920 --> 00:16:59,800 [crowd cheering] 337 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:01,360 That's rubbish. 338 00:17:01,360 --> 00:17:06,520 [all talking at once] 339 00:17:07,800 --> 00:17:11,120 [nails screeching] 340 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:20,920 What? 341 00:17:20,920 --> 00:17:23,000 -What? -I don't know. 342 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,520 It's just that, 343 00:17:24,520 --> 00:17:27,000 it looked like you were gonna say something. 344 00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:31,360 I don't know, something deep? 345 00:17:31,360 --> 00:17:34,800 To get us motivated for the second half. 346 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,640 There's a second half? 347 00:17:35,640 --> 00:17:38,960 -Oh, my days. -I knew that. 348 00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:42,720 -[knocking on door] -Alfie? A word. 349 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,600 Look, this is ridiculous. 350 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:50,320 We're playing like the school equivalent 351 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:53,720 of Man United and one of my team is in a wheelchair. 352 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,800 He's not even the worst. 353 00:17:55,800 --> 00:17:56,240 He's the only person in the first half 354 00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:57,800 to have won a header. 355 00:17:57,800 --> 00:17:59,720 Look, Alfie. 356 00:17:59,720 --> 00:18:01,800 It's understandable. 357 00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:05,520 Seeing the man again can trigger suppressed emotions. 358 00:18:05,520 --> 00:18:08,000 Honestly, I'm fine, I'm so over it. 359 00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,360 It was so long ago, I was like 15. 360 00:18:10,360 --> 00:18:11,960 Jesus. 361 00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:15,120 Look, Alfie, I know you're traumatized, 362 00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:17,800 but remember what I said. 363 00:18:17,800 --> 00:18:19,960 It's not your fault. 364 00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:22,920 Well, it kinda was. 365 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:26,480 No, Alfie, it's not, you're the victim. 366 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,560 Say it, it's not my fault. 367 00:18:28,560 --> 00:18:30,320 [both] It's not my fault. 368 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,640 -Doesn't that feel better? -Not really. 369 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,880 Look, I've been thinking, can't I just throw in the towel? 370 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:38,000 No, this is more than the match now. 371 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,960 If you win this, you're not winning for you 372 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:42,920 but all the people out there who've had 373 00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:46,480 their voices taken away by beasts like Humpage. 374 00:18:46,480 --> 00:18:49,400 Don't let him win. 375 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:54,360 Yeah, yeah, I guess you're right. 376 00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,120 This game does mean a lot. 377 00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,400 -You can do it. -I can. 378 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:03,440 -Come on! -I can do it, come on! 379 00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,640 Okay, people. 380 00:19:06,640 --> 00:19:09,600 Do you want to know what Middleton House 381 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:12,400 is saying about us right now? 382 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,520 [Humpage] Assholes! 383 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:16,400 They're also saying 384 00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:20,720 that we are just gonna bend over and take it. 385 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,800 So they got my group text? 386 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,480 You know I heard some of them say 387 00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:31,360 about one of you in particular, who will remain nameless, 388 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:34,760 was so ugly, pathetic 389 00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:38,920 and physically deformed that they should get 390 00:19:38,920 --> 00:19:44,120 a Pride of Britain Award just for not killing themselves. 391 00:19:44,120 --> 00:19:45,280 [all gasping] 392 00:19:45,280 --> 00:19:49,200 Now are we really gonna take that? 393 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:55,560 Or are we, for Joe's sake, gonna say no. 394 00:19:55,560 --> 00:20:00,400 Let's show them, quitting is out of the question. 395 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,400 When it gets tough, we gotta fight some more. 396 00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,720 We've gotta fight. Fight! 397 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:08,840 [team shouting] 398 00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:11,000 -Fight for this love! -[all] Yes! 399 00:20:11,000 --> 00:20:14,440 Ready your breakfasts and eat hearty. 400 00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:17,680 For tonight, we dine in hell! 401 00:20:17,680 --> 00:20:20,120 Now let's get out there. 402 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:24,400 This... is... Sparta! 403 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:28,760 [cheering] 404 00:20:28,760 --> 00:20:32,720 [triumphant music] 405 00:20:32,720 --> 00:20:35,400 Rem Dogg's injured. 406 00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,000 Puncture. 407 00:20:38,000 --> 00:20:39,600 Can I play second half, sir? 408 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:41,800 All right, Stephen, you're up. 409 00:20:41,800 --> 00:20:43,120 [squealing] 410 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:46,240 This is the ball, okay? 411 00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,200 Mitchell will pass you the ball 412 00:20:48,200 --> 00:20:50,840 and then you kick it straight to Grayson. 413 00:20:50,840 --> 00:20:53,360 Understand? 414 00:20:54,920 --> 00:20:56,600 [whistle blowing] 415 00:20:57,280 --> 00:20:59,520 [upbeat music plays] 416 00:21:17,600 --> 00:21:19,800 [whistle blowing] 417 00:21:19,800 --> 00:21:23,640 [cheering] 418 00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:32,440 Goal! 419 00:21:32,440 --> 00:21:34,520 [cheering] 420 00:21:45,880 --> 00:21:47,600 Sprinkler! 421 00:21:47,600 --> 00:21:49,400 Do the sprinkler! 422 00:21:50,520 --> 00:21:52,880 Come on, you shrimp stuffers! 423 00:21:52,880 --> 00:21:56,160 [Humpage shouting drowned out by music] 424 00:21:57,720 --> 00:22:00,560 Get in! 425 00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:05,200 What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? 426 00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,280 Get your tits out, get your tits out. 427 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:15,840 Come now. 428 00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:19,400 More goal! Yes! 429 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,360 [cheering] 430 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:28,000 [shouting] 431 00:22:35,760 --> 00:22:37,400 [shouting] 432 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:52,000 [whistle blowing] 433 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:54,520 Okay, do you wanna party? 434 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:57,400 You wanna party, right. 435 00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,280 Let's heat this party up. 436 00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:03,600 Oh, yeah, Humpage. 437 00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:08,520 I like to party and I been to far hotter parties than this. 438 00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:14,280 In fact, I like to party in a sauna. 439 00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:19,200 Yeah, and I've partied with far bigger men than you. 440 00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:22,600 I can go all night long. 441 00:23:22,600 --> 00:23:23,840 Okay. 442 00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,920 Come on, Middleton! 443 00:23:25,920 --> 00:23:26,880 [whistle blows] 444 00:23:26,880 --> 00:23:28,400 [Alfie] Come on, Abbey Grove. 445 00:23:36,320 --> 00:23:39,120 [suspenseful music] 446 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:42,360 Have at it. 447 00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,640 Do it, sir. 448 00:23:45,640 --> 00:23:49,160 [Humpage] You stupid, little, quitting, quitting quitter. 449 00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:53,400 Q-U-I-T-T-E-R spells quitter, 450 00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:56,120 quit, quit, quit, quitless, quitter. 451 00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:58,680 Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. 452 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,240 Quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter, quitter. 453 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:03,400 All you do is quit, that's all you're good for. 454 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:05,920 You're only good for quitting. 455 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:08,160 Quitter, you quitter. 456 00:24:08,160 --> 00:24:10,960 You quitter... 457 00:24:11,760 --> 00:24:15,120 [groans] [screams] 458 00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:21,880 [sirens blaring] 459 00:24:21,880 --> 00:24:23,680 What have you done? 460 00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:27,480 If you have harmed a hair on his beautiful body... 461 00:24:27,480 --> 00:24:31,800 Wickers, Wickers, I know I've been harsh, boy. 462 00:24:31,800 --> 00:24:34,560 But I only ever wanted the best for you. 463 00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,240 You finally got what you deserved, you pig. 464 00:24:38,240 --> 00:24:39,440 Steady on. 465 00:24:39,440 --> 00:24:40,720 After everything you put him through, 466 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:42,200 you should be ashamed of yourself. 467 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,280 What I put him through? It was his fault. 468 00:24:45,280 --> 00:24:47,560 How dare you say that? 469 00:24:47,560 --> 00:24:49,920 Of course it's not his fault, he's the victim. 470 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,520 Why do you keep calling me the victim? 471 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:54,440 Because you are, Alfie, don't you see? 472 00:24:54,440 --> 00:24:57,640 [sighs] Enough is enough, you've got to accept it, 473 00:24:57,640 --> 00:25:00,800 you are the victim of a rapist. 474 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:01,960 What? 475 00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,640 Yes, that's right, you heard me. 476 00:25:03,640 --> 00:25:06,880 You are a rapist, you raped poor Alfie. 477 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:09,400 What are you talking about? No, I didn't. 478 00:25:09,400 --> 00:25:10,440 [all laughing] 479 00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:15,120 Um... Mr. Humpage definitely didn't rape me. 480 00:25:15,120 --> 00:25:16,560 Where did you get that idea? 481 00:25:16,560 --> 00:25:22,160 Alfie, you said something went on in the second year. 482 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:24,960 Yeah, I quit his sports team. 483 00:25:24,960 --> 00:25:27,800 You were the most promising student I ever coached. 484 00:25:27,800 --> 00:25:29,240 You could've gone pro. 485 00:25:29,240 --> 00:25:34,120 When you threw it away, it tore me up inside. 486 00:25:34,120 --> 00:25:36,400 Hang on, you said you didn't want to talk about it 487 00:25:36,400 --> 00:25:38,000 because for a man it's embarrassing. 488 00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:39,800 But there's nothing embarrassing about 489 00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:41,280 quitting a football team. 490 00:25:41,280 --> 00:25:43,600 Um, wait. Uh... 491 00:25:43,600 --> 00:25:45,800 What sport are we talking about here? 492 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:48,400 -Weightlifting. -Irish dancing. 493 00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:50,160 [laughing] 494 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:53,800 You should've seen his soft shoehorn pipe. 495 00:25:53,800 --> 00:25:54,840 We had such plans. 496 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:58,560 First we'd take Broadway, then the world. 497 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,400 I mean who else would ever thought 498 00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:03,920 of a show consisting entirely of Irish dancing? 499 00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,360 The day you turned your back on dance 500 00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,720 was the day you shattered my dreams. 501 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:15,160 Oh... [laughs] 502 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:16,520 Oh, gosh. 503 00:26:17,440 --> 00:26:18,800 I'm sorry. 504 00:26:18,800 --> 00:26:20,640 Right, get the ambulance! 505 00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,760 My future job prospects could be dying here. 506 00:26:23,760 --> 00:26:27,480 Do it for me, Alfie, one more time. 507 00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,680 Before I go. 508 00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:33,560 I couldn't, I... I can't. 509 00:26:33,560 --> 00:26:36,920 I haven't warmed up, I might pull something. 510 00:26:36,920 --> 00:26:38,240 Go on, Alfie. 511 00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:40,240 I can't wait to see this. 512 00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:45,200 [all talking at once] 513 00:26:45,200 --> 00:26:48,400 Just one last time. 514 00:26:52,280 --> 00:26:57,440 [dramatic triumphant music] 515 00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,800 [clapping] 516 00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:28,400 So, that's it really. 517 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:29,320 I don't know why I gave it up. 518 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,440 Gay. 519 00:27:30,440 --> 00:27:31,840 [laughing] 520 00:27:31,840 --> 00:27:33,120 That's why. 521 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:35,200 Not bad but it lacked a little panache. 522 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,400 Let's go again. 523 00:27:36,400 --> 00:27:37,600 And that's the other. 524 00:27:37,600 --> 00:27:38,600 [whistle blowing] 525 00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:41,960 Match abandoned, it's a draw. 526 00:27:41,960 --> 00:27:45,800 [cheering] 527 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:51,840 [cheerful triumphant music]