[students all talking at once]
-Everyone please be quiet. -Shh!
Um, can you listen to Mr. Wickers, please?
-Settle down. -Hang on, hang on.
You want their attention, start with a joke.
What do you call a black milkman?
Oy, OK, hello, everyone.
Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip.
Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo.
-What do you want? -To say a few words.
-It's not a wedding. -Now, I only have one rule:
there are no rules.
Except, annoyingly, all of the school rules.
And one new rule.
Please don't do anything Mitchell dares you to do.
Joe. Joe.
Oh, cringe.
Now, smoking is only permitted
at the front of the coach
so I can suck up all your secondhand stuff
while I'm driving, all right?
Sit down.
Now, there's no lock on the toilet,
so put a sock on the door if you're docking at Quimsby,
if you know what I mean.
Um, do you maybe want to just put on a video?
Yeah, we have a couple here.
I've got Showgirls and Predator.
Oh, sweet, which Predator?
[Miss Gulliver] Alfie!
12 Angry Men, is that with Henry Fonda?
Oh, no. My ex-wife and the darts team. Double top.
Maybe the radio?
You got it, you're the boss.
So, kids. What do you call an Indian with thrush?
[upbeat music]
Now, if you look to your left, you'll see the Cock and Goose.
The cubicles are very well connected.
And if you look to your right,
you'll see a lay-by that is, in my opinion,
a tad overlit.
[students chattering]
Oy, what are you...
Why have you got a bag of miniatures?
Shit Irish airline, right,
fired my brother 'cause he "broke company policy."
-How? -He helped a customer.
Anyways, when he left, he jacked a load of these
and a couple of life jackets and all.
Give me that.
Look, just 'cause we're not in school
doesn't mean you can get drunk.
These are confiscated.
Why are you wearing those heinous boots?
They're just hiking boots. What's wrong with them?
It's just, those and that hair
makes you look like a guard in a women's prison.
These are my outdoor clothes.
We're going to the countryside.
Bear Grylls says you have to be prepared for anything,
which is why I am also... rocking one of these bad boys.
A multipurpose utility harness.
Is that a spork?
Yup, for those tricky little jobs
that a fork just can't handle.
Is it supposed to be that tight?
Yup.
Can't feel a thing.
-Chap slap! -Ow!
Dick!
[laughing]
Sir, I need your help.
I want a DMC about relationships.
This boy, Finley--
Sir, why can't we go paintballing?
Because it doesn't benefit an academic subject.
Art?
-Art. -We're not going paintballing.
Why is it an ink museum and a petting zoo?
I don't know, Alfie, maybe they've got a squid.
-This trip is gonna be so dull. -Look, I organized this.
You told me you liked animals, as well.
Yeah, I do, tigers and shit.
Anyway, it's a lot better than some of the other trips.
Yeah, Fraser's taking the English scholars
to see some boring poetry thing.
[rap music]
Hello.
Where's the rap battle?
Tight to me, kids.
Ah, nature.
Red in tooth and claw.
Hey, maybe we could go camping on the way back from the zoo.
I really want to teach my kids how to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark.
I can't, I've got to be back by seven.
Why?
I'm going on a date with this guy.
A date? We haven't discussed this.
Why are you going on a date with a guy?
Who is this guy?
I don't know, it's a blind date.
A blind date? Oh, hmm.
Very risky.
Where did he find you, the Internet?
He's not a weirdo, he's gonna take me--
No, no, don't tell me.
I'll watch thereconstruction on Crimewatch.
Alfie. He's a normal guy.
Yeah, sure. "Normal guy," a bit of a loner, obsessed with sex.
Ooh, let me guess, probably still lives with his parents.
[clearing her throat]
Don't turn this round on me.
Anyway, how old's Fred West?
My date? Twenty-three.
Twenty-three?
But I'm 23.
Yeah, but he's an old 23.
It's like this many sleeps 'til I'm 24.
-Yeah, but he's a teacher. -I'm a teacher.
He teaches mentally challenged children.
Have you seen my class?
[squealing]
Ow, stop! Ow!
If you're gonna be like this all journey,
I'm gonna sit next to Mollinson.
Really? What, and let her show you her holiday photos?
Yeah, fine by me.
There's my husband with his snorkel,
and there he is laying out the tarpaulin.
Have you ever been to Germany?
I just don'tunderstand why Fraser
didn't let me organize my own trip.
Uh, maybe because of your science trip?
[dark discordant music]
Right, that was Mitchell's fault.
He said it was like Spider-Man.
Look, all I'm saying is that
I think I should have taken everyone
on, like, a proper Bear Grylls expedition,
teach them how to survive in the wild.
Why would they need that?
What if The Hunger Games came true?
[laughing]
We'll see who's laughing when Jing's killing
one of your kids with a bow and arrow.
[laughing]
[rock music]
Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm.
Now, unfortunately, we have worms.
I spent all morning fishing this out of a weasel.
It's an epidemic.
Everything's got them, so,
remember, it's a look-but-don't-touch policy.
Uh, but a private dance can be arranged later.
I'm joking. We had to stop doing that.
So, cubs and, uh, girls,
have you got any questions about animals?
Sir, I really need to talk to you.
Not now, Chantelle.
The boring man is talking.
Any questions at all?
Why do cows have so many tits?
Well, the cows have udders.
How come you can call dogs "bitches"
but not bitches "bitches"?
Rem Dogg, behave.
Would you rather be a boy with a dog's head
or a dog with a boy's head?
Well, obviously a boy--
-Oy, worms! -Is-- Is he talking to me?
My mate Rasheed, yeah, said he found a beak
in one of his McNuggets.
See, I thought a chicken lays a nugget.
Does it not lay a nugget, then?
When the female chicken is impregnated by the male--
Old McDonald, does the male chicken lie to the female chicken
just to get into her pants and then break her heart with a text?
Guys, please.
Can we show a little bit of respect to the farmer man?
Ask some serious questions.
Do all meerkats come from Russia?
[upbeat music]
[bleating]
This is so depressing.
I know.
It's like being on a spectrum
that's actually beyond the spectrum.
No, the animals.
I can't bare to see them distressed.
Look, malnourished, all caged up.
I just hope they're not upsetting the kids.
Oy, sir, look at his dick, it's got shit on it.
[laughing]
I think they're coping.
He's got shit on his dick.
Now, kids, prepare to be amazed
by swinonus rhinonian,
or the rhino... pig.
[snorting]
[laughing]
Wow.
Your wife got a name?
That is disgusting.
I've a good mind to rip off the bars to that cage and set that animal free.
I've made a terrible mistake bringing us all here.
[rap music] [yelling indistinctly]
Where's my bitches at, though,
show me their titties, though, what do you say?
Yeah!
Who here thought Ink was boring?
OK.
Who here takes a newspaper?
Who's read a book?
So, what's your date doing with you tonight
apart from turning you into a dress?
Why are you so obsessed with it?
I'm not obsessed.
Can anyone tell me where ink comes from?
-A pen? -No.
But it does come from a pen, doesn't it?
Yes, but... originally.
Rymans.
Oh, my God, he's talking to them like they're seven.
This is so inappropriate.
-[bleating] -[splattering]
Who wishes to play God?
Anyone?
What would you do, pig,
if you loved someone that didn't love you?
Alfie, are you talking to the rhino pig?
No. I'm just drinking some Malibu.
I'm depressed, all right?
-Get off my back. -Why are you depressed?
[sighing] Miss Gulliver's going on a date with a guy.
Why can't she see how much I like her?
Maybe you should let her know.
What, by like, making a grand gesture?
-Or just tell her. -Yeah, you're right.
I need to let her know how much I care
by doing something massive, really bold.
-Or just tell her. -I've got it.
-Just tell her? -The pig!
Rosie wants this creature to be happy,
just like I want her to be happy.
[Joe] Alfie, how much Malibu have you drunk?
It needs to run free!
Alfie, don't touch it, it's got worms.
-Alfie! -Run, piggy!
Go, piggy, go! Run!
Miss Gulliver's gonna be pretty impressed.
Yeah.
She's not, is she?
No.
Yo... um...
So, I was thinking maybe we should think about leaving.
-What have you done? -Nothing.
I just don't want you to be late for your date.
What are you wearing tonight?
-Why? -Oh, nothing.
It's just, I was talking to Inky earlier
and he says that in his gift shop,
he sells real fur coats.
I was thinking maybe you could buy one,
team it up with a little otter scarf.
Right, everyone back on the bus, quickly.
Wake him up, take him out.
Off you go, right on the bus.
Come on!
[pop music]
[screaming]
[inhales and exhales]
[driver] We've got two routes back.
Motorway at rush hour...
-Or? -Scenic route.
Plenty of lay-bys to dip into round Tring.
Why don't you just use your SAT lamp
to find the quickest route back?
Never used one, never will.
Why?
Won't be told what to do by a woman.
We're lost.
Bieber, take the wheel. Not sure I can trust this fart.
-I can't, I've been drinking. -So have I.
Watch out!
[pig squealing]
-Jesus! Was that a person? -Paul's fault.
I need to dust the prints off this wheel.
I've gotta check.
Is everyone OK?
If anybody asks, the pig hit us.
How do you think it escaped?
Oh, God, do you think someone let it out?
Um... maybe it let itself out.
Does anyone know anything about this?
I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me.
They always say that.
-Did you know about this? -What?
Fine.
I freed the pig, miss, because it looked sad.
Well, that's stupid, but I admire the gesture.
You stole my gesture.
Where's my bra, eh? You've got it, haven't you?
You took it off in the pool, didn't you?
He's concussed. Sit him down, give him some oxygen.
[bus driver slurring indistinctly]
Oh, God...
You're gonna have to call the AA.
I haven't got any reception.
Neither have I.
Well, we can't goback to that farm.
I know! I could trek cross country,
find the nearest town, get help.
Oh, OK, but well, come straight back, yeah?
Yeah, sure, right.
I'm gonna need to gather up a team.
-[driver groaning] -Not you.
[mellow music]
Lilt goes flat so quickly.
Oh, I love being outdoors, me.
Reminds me of being in the Scouts.
Our Scoutmaster, Mr. Rogers, he was my hero.
Oh, why? What was he like?
So brave. This one time, right, he fought off a bear.
-A bear, in England? -No, in Wales.
We'd all gone skinny dipping.
We came back to the campsite,
and Mr. Rogers had fought off this bear
that had broken in our tents and eaten all of our clothes.
Did you ever see this bear?
No, but it must have been a very picky bear,
'cause it didn't touch anything else,
not even the food.
Sir, wasn't there a sign on the road
that said Tring was that way?
[laughing] Signs.
We don't need signs, we're in the wild.
This is the only sign I need.
Wind sign.
Yup, that's north. We get through these woods, we'll hit Tring.
Lunch? Bear says you never know when you're gonna be able to eat next.
-Did you kill this? -Yup, used my trowel.
It looks like it's been dead for weeks.
Anyone wants a forest berry?
Don't! No, that's a yew berry.
It's the most poisonous berry in Britain.
Uh-uh, they're cranberries.
I know that 'cause they're red.
Yeah, well, I'm a biology teacher, so just trust me.
Anyone? Jing? Come on, you guys eat anything.
Like those pooey hundred-year-old eggs.
[groans]
[in Chinese] I hope you die.
Yeah, I'm sure they are delicious,
but so are these berries.
-Alfie, we've actually-- -Anyone? No?
Fine, more for me.
Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.
Mmm.
[groans]
Fizzy berry.
Screw this, I'm eating my rolls.
What?
Packed lunch, bell end.
You--
I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen.
Have some of mine.
No, fine, no.
You, eat your sandwiches with all their e-numbers.
I am feasting off Mother Nature.
Ooh, a mushroom.
Oy, all right.
How do you gut this?
Come on, guys.
We need to keep moving.
Alfie?
[tense electronic music]
We're being followed.
-Are you OK? -His eyes look funny.
He looks like my brother after he come back from Ibiza.
Alfie, do you know where we are?
Would somebody please tell that frog
I do not want to smoke his pipe?
People!
Oh, everyone wave! Get their attention!
I know, I'll chuck a rock at 'em.
No, don't, don't, we need their help.
Hello!
Come on, guys, help!
[all yelling]
Help us!
We're over here!
Where's Alfie?
Shitty harness.
Nobody drink from the stream.
They're really bad berries.
Look at that! Bloody disgusting!
Kids, this way!
Bloody kids!
[man yelling]
[Rem Dogg] Sir shitted in the river!
That was so sick.
Why do you have to ruin everything?
-Rosie, I-- -No, no, I organized this day,
but you decide it's rubbish so you make it rubbish.
You hated the farm, too.
I told you not to eat those berries and what did you do?
OK, I admit that.
You're stupid, you're immature,
you only ever think about yourself.
I think about you all the time.
That's why I let the piggy free.
You let the pig free?
You said you admired the gesture.
Yeah, I admire it being made by a child.
But it's free.
I can't believe you think I would
ever be interested in you.
You're such a pathetic, selfish little boy.
I think I might need a dock leaf.
That bog roll was a little nettley.
Go away. I wanna be on my own for a bit.
[Stephen] What's that, sir?
I dug myself a bucket.
I'm sorry for being aggro.
It's 'cause of my man.
Finley, he left her.
He's my first long-term relationship.
And by long-term...?
He took me to Strada, like, twice.
OK.
He said he loved me just to see if he could sleep with me.
-What happened? -He slept with me.
No, I meant after that.
Oh, he told me I wasn't mature enough, but I am mature.
I like Adele, and I've not been in Claire's accessories for, like, two years.
Sir, why don't you come sit with us?
I don't think Miss Gulliver wants to talk to me much.
But we do.
OK, I guess.
Hey, guys.
Sorry about the stream and stuff.
Look, don't worry. I'll make a fire.
I got all the badges in Scouts.
Fire-making, knot-tying, secret-keeping.
There isn't a badge for keeping secrets.
Uh, shows how much you know.
Mr. Rogers said it was the most important badge
a Scout could get.
Look, if we get this fire lit,
we're gonna need to work as a team.
Chantelle, Joe, you go looking for kindling.
Mitchell, Stephen, we're gonna need to get hold of flints,
ideally quartz, anything that's gonna be able to create a spark.
You all smoke? Jesus.
I'm a terrible role model.
♪ They call me Teach because I do ♪
♪ I'll bring you times tables three times two ♪
♪ You think you're badass ♪
♪ But I tell you you cats would disagree ♪
♪ No university gonna give you a degree ♪
♪ So don't try for LFC ♪
♪ 'Cause you'll need a dual science award ♪
♪ A GCSE ♪
♪ And the only way you wouldn't need that ♪
♪ Is if your school had been on International Baccalaureate ♪
[panting]
♪ So go figure pull the trigger ♪
♪ Shit's getting bigger, my... ♪
My...
[rolls tongue]
[Alfie] Finally, look, cars.
Right, I'll go ask them for help.
[grunting] [moaning]
Hello.
Um, could you give me a hand?
Oh, God, Jesus!
[woman] He's a wriggler, Geoff.
[Alfie] It's all right, they're friendly!
Could you just let go?
Sorry, I think it might alarm the children.
[Geoff] You brought your kids?
[woman] Oh, leave him, Geoff, he's probably Cornish.
I'm terribly sorry.
I think there might have been a little bit
of a misunderstanding here.
I'm not actually a dogger, per se.
[Geoff] Got ourselves a puppy, Pam.
-[Pam] We don't bite. -[Geoff] Unless you ask.
[Pam giggling]
Look, I'm a teacher at Abbey Grove School.
[Pam] Oh, do you know Olive Mollinson?
Yes. And of course you do, too.
We've had a bit of a traffic accident.
Uh, Olive's currently stuck on a coach
with a load of children
and we'd really appreciate your help getting back.
[Pam] Oh, sorry, love, of course we'll help.
[Geoff] Would you give us ten minutes?
Oh, yes. Terribly sorry. Of course.
[Geoff] You can stay if you want, you can stay.
I think I'll pass.
[man] Suit yourself.
[moaning]
How many of you are there?
[woman] Four.
[man] Five.
[Geoff] Didn't see you down there, Robin.
Sorry about that, mate.
-Everything OK? -Yup.
What were they doing, sir? Were they--
-They're probably-- -Bird watching.
-Yeah. -Yup, they're bird watching.
They're gonna drive us home in ten minutes,
they're just, uh... finishing off a robin.
-At night? -Yeah.
[cheering]
So, you made it.
Alfie, I just wanna--
No. Before you say anything, you're right.
-I am an idiot. -No, I overreacted.
Look, I do a lot of stupid things,
but I don't do it because I'm trying to be selfish.
I do it because I care about you,
even if you don't like me.
Oh, I do like you.
You mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry.
-Sorry for me. -Oh, come here.
Oh, you've got such a good heart.
[soft vomiting noise]
Have you just been sick on my back?
Berries.
[whistle]
Do you want me to scoop it up with my trowel?
Yeah.
[mellow music]
[Joe] Look, sir, a long rubber branch.
Is this for the birds to perch on?
Do branches have veins?
[Alfie] Joe, put that down.
[indistinct chatter]
So we've got back in time after all.
Yeah.
Have to admit, you did sort of save the day in the end.
Don't worry, it was nothing.
You, uh, looking for a lift home?
There's two routes, the B roads round Wendover,
-or we get the M25-- -Shh.
You had me at Wendover.
Not yet, love. Not yet.
Your carriage awaits.
Where is he taking you?
Strada.
Hi, you must be Finley.
Finley?
Finley! You bastard!
He's not worth it, babe!
Oh, God.
Where's Fraser?
[rap music]
Hi, um, have you seen seven children?
They're all English scholars,
about yea high, smell of Wotsits.