1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,560 [students all talking at once] 2 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:07,640 -Everyone please be quiet. -Shh! 3 00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,680 Um, can you listen to Mr. Wickers, please? 4 00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,840 -Settle down. -Hang on, hang on. 5 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,160 You want their attention, start with a joke. 6 00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:15,920 What do you call a black milkman? 7 00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,520 Oy, OK, hello, everyone. 8 00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,160 Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip. 9 00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,400 Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum and Petting Zoo. 10 00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,200 -What do you want? -To say a few words. 11 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,840 -It's not a wedding. -Now, I only have one rule: 12 00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,320 there are no rules. 13 00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,680 Except, annoyingly, all of the school rules. 14 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,760 And one new rule. 15 00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,160 Please don't do anything Mitchell dares you to do. 16 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,320 Joe. Joe. 17 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,160 Oh, cringe. 18 00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,200 Now, smoking is only permitted 19 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,520 at the front of the coach 20 00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,800 so I can suck up all your secondhand stuff 21 00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,200 while I'm driving, all right? 22 00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,320 Sit down. 23 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,640 Now, there's no lock on the toilet, 24 00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,120 so put a sock on the door if you're docking at Quimsby, 25 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,400 if you know what I mean. 26 00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,160 Um, do you maybe want to just put on a video? 27 00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,680 Yeah, we have a couple here. 28 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,240 I've got Showgirls and Predator. 29 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,400 Oh, sweet, which Predator? 30 00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,480 [Miss Gulliver] Alfie! 31 00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,760 12 Angry Men, is that with Henry Fonda? 32 00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,440 Oh, no. My ex-wife and the darts team. Double top. 33 00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,560 Maybe the radio? 34 00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,160 You got it, you're the boss. 35 00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,880 So, kids. What do you call an Indian with thrush? 36 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,520 [upbeat music] 37 00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,200 Now, if you look to your left, you'll see the Cock and Goose. 38 00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,560 The cubicles are very well connected. 39 00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,000 And if you look to your right, 40 00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,160 you'll see a lay-by that is, in my opinion, 41 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,280 a tad overlit. 42 00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,400 [students chattering] 43 00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,720 Oy, what are you... 44 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,400 Why have you got a bag of miniatures? 45 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,000 Shit Irish airline, right, 46 00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,640 fired my brother 'cause he "broke company policy." 47 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,000 -How? -He helped a customer. 48 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,720 Anyways, when he left, he jacked a load of these 49 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,160 and a couple of life jackets and all. 50 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,480 Give me that. 51 00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,000 Look, just 'cause we're not in school 52 00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,760 doesn't mean you can get drunk. 53 00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,680 These are confiscated. 54 00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,440 Why are you wearing those heinous boots? 55 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,680 They're just hiking boots. What's wrong with them? 56 00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,560 It's just, those and that hair 57 00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,840 makes you look like a guard in a women's prison. 58 00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,400 These are my outdoor clothes. 59 00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,600 We're going to the countryside. 60 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,480 Bear Grylls says you have to be prepared for anything, 61 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,240 which is why I am also... rocking one of these bad boys. 62 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,600 A multipurpose utility harness. 63 00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,680 Is that a spork? 64 00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,960 Yup, for those tricky little jobs 65 00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:05,880 that a fork just can't handle. 66 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,840 Is it supposed to be that tight? 67 00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,800 Yup. 68 00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:10,760 Can't feel a thing. 69 00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,160 -Chap slap! -Ow! 70 00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,200 Dick! 71 00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,480 [laughing] 72 00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,200 Sir, I need your help. 73 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,000 I want a DMC about relationships. 74 00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,160 This boy, Finley-- 75 00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,320 Sir, why can't we go paintballing? 76 00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,280 Because it doesn't benefit an academic subject. 77 00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,200 Art? 78 00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,960 -Art. -We're not going paintballing. 79 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,400 Why is it an ink museum and a petting zoo? 80 00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,880 I don't know, Alfie, maybe they've got a squid. 81 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,880 -This trip is gonna be so dull. -Look, I organized this. 82 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,680 You told me you liked animals, as well. 83 00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,000 Yeah, I do, tigers and shit. 84 00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,880 Anyway, it's a lot better than some of the other trips. 85 00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,200 Yeah, Fraser's taking the English scholars 86 00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,560 to see some boring poetry thing. 87 00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,240 [rap music] 88 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,560 Hello. 89 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,400 Where's the rap battle? 90 00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,240 Tight to me, kids. 91 00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,560 Ah, nature. 92 00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,800 Red in tooth and claw. 93 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,840 Hey, maybe we could go camping on the way back from the zoo. 94 00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,000 I really want to teach my kids how to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark. 95 00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,280 I can't, I've got to be back by seven. 96 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,440 Why? 97 00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,240 I'm going on a date with this guy. 98 00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,600 A date? We haven't discussed this. 99 00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,280 Why are you going on a date with a guy? 100 00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,240 Who is this guy? 101 00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,680 I don't know, it's a blind date. 102 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,440 A blind date? Oh, hmm. 103 00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,160 Very risky. 104 00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,680 Where did he find you, the Internet? 105 00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,400 He's not a weirdo, he's gonna take me-- 106 00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,360 No, no, don't tell me. 107 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,360 I'll watch thereconstruction on Crimewatch. 108 00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,520 Alfie. He's a normal guy. 109 00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,120 Yeah, sure. "Normal guy," a bit of a loner, obsessed with sex. 110 00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,840 Ooh, let me guess, probably still lives with his parents. 111 00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,160 [clearing her throat] 112 00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,640 Don't turn this round on me. 113 00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,360 Anyway, how old's Fred West? 114 00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,560 My date? Twenty-three. 115 00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,360 Twenty-three? 116 00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,200 But I'm 23. 117 00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,840 Yeah, but he's an old 23. 118 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,480 It's like this many sleeps 'til I'm 24. 119 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,760 -Yeah, but he's a teacher. -I'm a teacher. 120 00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,280 He teaches mentally challenged children. 121 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,760 Have you seen my class? 122 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,400 [squealing] 123 00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,480 Ow, stop! Ow! 124 00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,320 If you're gonna be like this all journey, 125 00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,800 I'm gonna sit next to Mollinson. 126 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,640 Really? What, and let her show you her holiday photos? 127 00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,760 Yeah, fine by me. 128 00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,960 There's my husband with his snorkel, 129 00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,720 and there he is laying out the tarpaulin. 130 00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,920 Have you ever been to Germany? 131 00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,000 I just don'tunderstand why Fraser 132 00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,720 didn't let me organize my own trip. 133 00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,560 Uh, maybe because of your science trip? 134 00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:01,240 [dark discordant music] 135 00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,200 Right, that was Mitchell's fault. 136 00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,840 He said it was like Spider-Man. 137 00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,440 Look, all I'm saying is that 138 00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,160 I think I should have taken everyone 139 00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,640 on, like, a proper Bear Grylls expedition, 140 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760 teach them how to survive in the wild. 141 00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,200 Why would they need that? 142 00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,120 What if The Hunger Games came true? 143 00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,440 [laughing] 144 00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,000 We'll see who's laughing when Jing's killing 145 00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,280 one of your kids with a bow and arrow. 146 00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,560 [laughing] 147 00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:39,680 [rock music] 148 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,480 Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm. 149 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:55,000 Now, unfortunately, we have worms. 150 00:06:55,120 --> 00:07:00,800 I spent all morning fishing this out of a weasel. 151 00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,360 It's an epidemic. 152 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,520 Everything's got them, so, 153 00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:12,000 remember, it's a look-but-don't-touch policy. 154 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:17,400 Uh, but a private dance can be arranged later. 155 00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,600 I'm joking. We had to stop doing that. 156 00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:28,840 So, cubs and, uh, girls, 157 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,200 have you got any questions about animals? 158 00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,160 Sir, I really need to talk to you. 159 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,400 Not now, Chantelle. 160 00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:36,920 The boring man is talking. 161 00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,240 Any questions at all? 162 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,120 Why do cows have so many tits? 163 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:45,440 Well, the cows have udders. 164 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,160 How come you can call dogs "bitches" 165 00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,640 but not bitches "bitches"? 166 00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,440 Rem Dogg, behave. 167 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,120 Would you rather be a boy with a dog's head 168 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,840 or a dog with a boy's head? 169 00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,560 Well, obviously a boy-- 170 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,400 -Oy, worms! -Is-- Is he talking to me? 171 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,760 My mate Rasheed, yeah, said he found a beak 172 00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:03,960 in one of his McNuggets. 173 00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:05,520 See, I thought a chicken lays a nugget. 174 00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,680 Does it not lay a nugget, then? 175 00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,800 When the female chicken is impregnated by the male-- 176 00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,840 Old McDonald, does the male chicken lie to the female chicken 177 00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:21,320 just to get into her pants and then break her heart with a text? 178 00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,320 Guys, please. 179 00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,680 Can we show a little bit of respect to the farmer man? 180 00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,280 Ask some serious questions. 181 00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:37,520 Do all meerkats come from Russia? 182 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,480 [upbeat music] 183 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:43,600 [bleating] 184 00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,480 This is so depressing. 185 00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,760 I know. 186 00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,120 It's like being on a spectrum 187 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,440 that's actually beyond the spectrum. 188 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,160 No, the animals. 189 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,840 I can't bare to see them distressed. 190 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,160 Look, malnourished, all caged up. 191 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,160 I just hope they're not upsetting the kids. 192 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,800 Oy, sir, look at his dick, it's got shit on it. 193 00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,920 [laughing] 194 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,640 I think they're coping. 195 00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,280 He's got shit on his dick. 196 00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,520 Now, kids, prepare to be amazed 197 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,960 by swinonus rhinonian, 198 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,280 or the rhino... pig. 199 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,440 [snorting] 200 00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,200 [laughing] 201 00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,480 Wow. 202 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,240 Your wife got a name? 203 00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,440 That is disgusting. 204 00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,880 I've a good mind to rip off the bars to that cage and set that animal free. 205 00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,000 I've made a terrible mistake bringing us all here. 206 00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,600 [rap music] [yelling indistinctly] 207 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,280 Where's my bitches at, though, 208 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,480 show me their titties, though, what do you say? 209 00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,800 Yeah! 210 00:09:55,800 --> 00:10:00,680 Who here thought Ink was boring? 211 00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,800 OK. 212 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,800 Who here takes a newspaper? 213 00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,200 Who's read a book? 214 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,480 So, what's your date doing with you tonight 215 00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,560 apart from turning you into a dress? 216 00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,720 Why are you so obsessed with it? 217 00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,200 I'm not obsessed. 218 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:32,400 Can anyone tell me where ink comes from? 219 00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,400 -A pen? -No. 220 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,560 But it does come from a pen, doesn't it? 221 00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,600 Yes, but... originally. 222 00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,680 Rymans. 223 00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,520 Oh, my God, he's talking to them like they're seven. 224 00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,680 This is so inappropriate. 225 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,240 -[bleating] -[splattering] 226 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,360 Who wishes to play God? 227 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,680 Anyone? 228 00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,680 What would you do, pig, 229 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,400 if you loved someone that didn't love you? 230 00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,920 Alfie, are you talking to the rhino pig? 231 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,440 No. I'm just drinking some Malibu. 232 00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,640 I'm depressed, all right? 233 00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,840 -Get off my back. -Why are you depressed? 234 00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,520 [sighing] Miss Gulliver's going on a date with a guy. 235 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,680 Why can't she see how much I like her? 236 00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,360 Maybe you should let her know. 237 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,840 What, by like, making a grand gesture? 238 00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,480 -Or just tell her. -Yeah, you're right. 239 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,640 I need to let her know how much I care 240 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,600 by doing something massive, really bold. 241 00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,600 -Or just tell her. -I've got it. 242 00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,240 -Just tell her? -The pig! 243 00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,280 Rosie wants this creature to be happy, 244 00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,800 just like I want her to be happy. 245 00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,320 [Joe] Alfie, how much Malibu have you drunk? 246 00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,880 It needs to run free! 247 00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,160 Alfie, don't touch it, it's got worms. 248 00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,360 -Alfie! -Run, piggy! 249 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:07,440 Go, piggy, go! Run! 250 00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,760 Miss Gulliver's gonna be pretty impressed. 251 00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,280 Yeah. 252 00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,840 She's not, is she? 253 00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,920 No. 254 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,320 Yo... um... 255 00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,200 So, I was thinking maybe we should think about leaving. 256 00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,720 -What have you done? -Nothing. 257 00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,800 I just don't want you to be late for your date. 258 00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,880 What are you wearing tonight? 259 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,960 -Why? -Oh, nothing. 260 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,920 It's just, I was talking to Inky earlier 261 00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,960 and he says that in his gift shop, 262 00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:56,760 he sells real fur coats. 263 00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,000 I was thinking maybe you could buy one, 264 00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,920 team it up with a little otter scarf. 265 00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,200 Right, everyone back on the bus, quickly. 266 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,560 Wake him up, take him out. 267 00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:05,800 Off you go, right on the bus. 268 00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,600 Come on! 269 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,760 [pop music] 270 00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,120 [screaming] 271 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,400 [inhales and exhales] 272 00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,360 [driver] We've got two routes back. 273 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,520 Motorway at rush hour... 274 00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,400 -Or? -Scenic route. 275 00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,480 Plenty of lay-bys to dip into round Tring. 276 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,880 Why don't you just use your SAT lamp 277 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,480 to find the quickest route back? 278 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,960 Never used one, never will. 279 00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,360 Why? 280 00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,560 Won't be told what to do by a woman. 281 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,800 We're lost. 282 00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,360 Bieber, take the wheel. Not sure I can trust this fart. 283 00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,240 -I can't, I've been drinking. -So have I. 284 00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,120 Watch out! 285 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,440 [pig squealing] 286 00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,720 -Jesus! Was that a person? -Paul's fault. 287 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,600 I need to dust the prints off this wheel. 288 00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,800 I've gotta check. 289 00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,560 Is everyone OK? 290 00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,720 If anybody asks, the pig hit us. 291 00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,800 How do you think it escaped? 292 00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,760 Oh, God, do you think someone let it out? 293 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,120 Um... maybe it let itself out. 294 00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,000 Does anyone know anything about this? 295 00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,200 I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me. 296 00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,760 They always say that. 297 00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,560 -Did you know about this? -What? 298 00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:52,520 Fine. 299 00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:56,160 I freed the pig, miss, because it looked sad. 300 00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:01,200 Well, that's stupid, but I admire the gesture. 301 00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,480 You stole my gesture. 302 00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,480 Where's my bra, eh? You've got it, haven't you? 303 00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,200 You took it off in the pool, didn't you? 304 00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,200 He's concussed. Sit him down, give him some oxygen. 305 00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,240 [bus driver slurring indistinctly] 306 00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,840 Oh, God... 307 00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:19,880 You're gonna have to call the AA. 308 00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:20,920 I haven't got any reception. 309 00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:22,640 Neither have I. 310 00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,560 Well, we can't goback to that farm. 311 00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:30,000 I know! I could trek cross country, 312 00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,280 find the nearest town, get help. 313 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,160 Oh, OK, but well, come straight back, yeah? 314 00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,600 Yeah, sure, right. 315 00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,440 I'm gonna need to gather up a team. 316 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,240 -[driver groaning] -Not you. 317 00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,120 [mellow music] 318 00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,320 Lilt goes flat so quickly. 319 00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,840 Oh, I love being outdoors, me. 320 00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,720 Reminds me of being in the Scouts. 321 00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,120 Our Scoutmaster, Mr. Rogers, he was my hero. 322 00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,120 Oh, why? What was he like? 323 00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,520 So brave. This one time, right, he fought off a bear. 324 00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,240 -A bear, in England? -No, in Wales. 325 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,800 We'd all gone skinny dipping. 326 00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,200 We came back to the campsite, 327 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,200 and Mr. Rogers had fought off this bear 328 00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,760 that had broken in our tents and eaten all of our clothes. 329 00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,800 Did you ever see this bear? 330 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,720 No, but it must have been a very picky bear, 331 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,440 'cause it didn't touch anything else, 332 00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,160 not even the food. 333 00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,000 Sir, wasn't there a sign on the road 334 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,560 that said Tring was that way? 335 00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,800 [laughing] Signs. 336 00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,560 We don't need signs, we're in the wild. 337 00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,840 This is the only sign I need. 338 00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,560 Wind sign. 339 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,880 Yup, that's north. We get through these woods, we'll hit Tring. 340 00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,120 Lunch? Bear says you never know when you're gonna be able to eat next. 341 00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,640 -Did you kill this? -Yup, used my trowel. 342 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,200 It looks like it's been dead for weeks. 343 00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,400 Anyone wants a forest berry? 344 00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,440 Don't! No, that's a yew berry. 345 00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,320 It's the most poisonous berry in Britain. 346 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,840 Uh-uh, they're cranberries. 347 00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,320 I know that 'cause they're red. 348 00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,640 Yeah, well, I'm a biology teacher, so just trust me. 349 00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,560 Anyone? Jing? Come on, you guys eat anything. 350 00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,880 Like those pooey hundred-year-old eggs. 351 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:16,960 [groans] 352 00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,160 [in Chinese] I hope you die. 353 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,640 Yeah, I'm sure they are delicious, 354 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,840 but so are these berries. 355 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200 -Alfie, we've actually-- -Anyone? No? 356 00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,600 Fine, more for me. 357 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,920 Mmm. Yum, yum, yum. 358 00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:30,360 Mmm. 359 00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,160 [groans] 360 00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,520 Fizzy berry. 361 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,200 Screw this, I'm eating my rolls. 362 00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,520 What? 363 00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,320 Packed lunch, bell end. 364 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,160 You-- 365 00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,200 I tried to tell you, but you didn't listen. 366 00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,520 Have some of mine. 367 00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,320 No, fine, no. 368 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,320 You, eat your sandwiches with all their e-numbers. 369 00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,240 I am feasting off Mother Nature. 370 00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,720 Ooh, a mushroom. 371 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,680 Oy, all right. 372 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,840 How do you gut this? 373 00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,160 Come on, guys. 374 00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,760 We need to keep moving. 375 00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,400 Alfie? 376 00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,160 [tense electronic music] 377 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,800 We're being followed. 378 00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,960 -Are you OK? -His eyes look funny. 379 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,000 He looks like my brother after he come back from Ibiza. 380 00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:33,400 Alfie, do you know where we are? 381 00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,320 Would somebody please tell that frog 382 00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,720 I do not want to smoke his pipe? 383 00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,440 People! 384 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,200 Oh, everyone wave! Get their attention! 385 00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,440 I know, I'll chuck a rock at 'em. 386 00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,760 No, don't, don't, we need their help. 387 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,200 Hello! 388 00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,240 Come on, guys, help! 389 00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,120 [all yelling] 390 00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,640 Help us! 391 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,400 We're over here! 392 00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,640 Where's Alfie? 393 00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,400 Shitty harness. 394 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,840 Nobody drink from the stream. 395 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,200 They're really bad berries. 396 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,600 Look at that! Bloody disgusting! 397 00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,160 Kids, this way! 398 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,160 Bloody kids! 399 00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,320 [man yelling] 400 00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,200 [Rem Dogg] Sir shitted in the river! 401 00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,520 That was so sick. 402 00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,760 Why do you have to ruin everything? 403 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,200 -Rosie, I-- -No, no, I organized this day, 404 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,760 but you decide it's rubbish so you make it rubbish. 405 00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,280 You hated the farm, too. 406 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,200 I told you not to eat those berries and what did you do? 407 00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,680 OK, I admit that. 408 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,640 You're stupid, you're immature, 409 00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,200 you only ever think about yourself. 410 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,200 I think about you all the time. 411 00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,840 That's why I let the piggy free. 412 00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,120 You let the pig free? 413 00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,680 You said you admired the gesture. 414 00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,760 Yeah, I admire it being made by a child. 415 00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,240 But it's free. 416 00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,360 I can't believe you think I would 417 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,680 ever be interested in you. 418 00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,760 You're such a pathetic, selfish little boy. 419 00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,600 I think I might need a dock leaf. 420 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,320 That bog roll was a little nettley. 421 00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,760 Go away. I wanna be on my own for a bit. 422 00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,000 [Stephen] What's that, sir? 423 00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,200 I dug myself a bucket. 424 00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,680 I'm sorry for being aggro. 425 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:33,800 It's 'cause of my man. 426 00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,680 Finley, he left her. 427 00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,600 He's my first long-term relationship. 428 00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,800 And by long-term...? 429 00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,120 He took me to Strada, like, twice. 430 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,640 OK. 431 00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,680 He said he loved me just to see if he could sleep with me. 432 00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,000 -What happened? -He slept with me. 433 00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,000 No, I meant after that. 434 00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600 Oh, he told me I wasn't mature enough, but I am mature. 435 00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:00,000 I like Adele, and I've not been in Claire's accessories for, like, two years. 436 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,440 Sir, why don't you come sit with us? 437 00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,320 I don't think Miss Gulliver wants to talk to me much. 438 00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,160 But we do. 439 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,320 OK, I guess. 440 00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,440 Hey, guys. 441 00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,280 Sorry about the stream and stuff. 442 00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,800 Look, don't worry. I'll make a fire. 443 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,640 I got all the badges in Scouts. 444 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,520 Fire-making, knot-tying, secret-keeping. 445 00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,440 There isn't a badge for keeping secrets. 446 00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:44,800 Uh, shows how much you know. 447 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,240 Mr. Rogers said it was the most important badge 448 00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,640 a Scout could get. 449 00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,360 Look, if we get this fire lit, 450 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,840 we're gonna need to work as a team. 451 00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,200 Chantelle, Joe, you go looking for kindling. 452 00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,960 Mitchell, Stephen, we're gonna need to get hold of flints, 453 00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,840 ideally quartz, anything that's gonna be able to create a spark. 454 00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,520 You all smoke? Jesus. 455 00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,200 I'm a terrible role model. 456 00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,200 ♪ They call me Teach because I do ♪ 457 00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,760 ♪ I'll bring you times tables three times two ♪ 458 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,280 ♪ You think you're badass ♪ 459 00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,200 ♪ But I tell you you cats would disagree ♪ 460 00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,360 ♪ No university gonna give you a degree ♪ 461 00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,880 ♪ So don't try for LFC ♪ 462 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,880 ♪ 'Cause you'll need a dual science award ♪ 463 00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,520 ♪ A GCSE ♪ 464 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,480 ♪ And the only way you wouldn't need that ♪ 465 00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120 ♪ Is if your school had been on International Baccalaureate ♪ 466 00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,640 [panting] 467 00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,120 ♪ So go figure pull the trigger ♪ 468 00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,400 ♪ Shit's getting bigger, my... ♪ 469 00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,800 My... 470 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:40,880 [rolls tongue] 471 00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,400 [Alfie] Finally, look, cars. 472 00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,600 Right, I'll go ask them for help. 473 00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,160 [grunting] [moaning] 474 00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,160 Hello. 475 00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,000 Um, could you give me a hand? 476 00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,560 Oh, God, Jesus! 477 00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,400 [woman] He's a wriggler, Geoff. 478 00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:09,240 [Alfie] It's all right, they're friendly! 479 00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,520 Could you just let go? 480 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,800 Sorry, I think it might alarm the children. 481 00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,640 [Geoff] You brought your kids? 482 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,440 [woman] Oh, leave him, Geoff, he's probably Cornish. 483 00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,120 I'm terribly sorry. 484 00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,320 I think there might have been a little bit 485 00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,920 of a misunderstanding here. 486 00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:24,000 I'm not actually a dogger, per se. 487 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,760 [Geoff] Got ourselves a puppy, Pam. 488 00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,840 -[Pam] We don't bite. -[Geoff] Unless you ask. 489 00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,160 [Pam giggling] 490 00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,280 Look, I'm a teacher at Abbey Grove School. 491 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,680 [Pam] Oh, do you know Olive Mollinson? 492 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:37,160 Yes. And of course you do, too. 493 00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,920 We've had a bit of a traffic accident. 494 00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,680 Uh, Olive's currently stuck on a coach 495 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,480 with a load of children 496 00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,680 and we'd really appreciate your help getting back. 497 00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,160 [Pam] Oh, sorry, love, of course we'll help. 498 00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,280 [Geoff] Would you give us ten minutes? 499 00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,160 Oh, yes. Terribly sorry. Of course. 500 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,360 [Geoff] You can stay if you want, you can stay. 501 00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,200 I think I'll pass. 502 00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,120 [man] Suit yourself. 503 00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,160 [moaning] 504 00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,200 How many of you are there? 505 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,600 [woman] Four. 506 00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:08,960 [man] Five. 507 00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:10,400 [Geoff] Didn't see you down there, Robin. 508 00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,240 Sorry about that, mate. 509 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,280 -Everything OK? -Yup. 510 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,760 What were they doing, sir? Were they-- 511 00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,200 -They're probably-- -Bird watching. 512 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,200 -Yeah. -Yup, they're bird watching. 513 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,840 They're gonna drive us home in ten minutes, 514 00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:38,160 they're just, uh... finishing off a robin. 515 00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,280 -At night? -Yeah. 516 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,320 [cheering] 517 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,960 So, you made it. 518 00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,200 Alfie, I just wanna-- 519 00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:16,160 No. Before you say anything, you're right. 520 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,280 -I am an idiot. -No, I overreacted. 521 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:24,680 Look, I do a lot of stupid things, 522 00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:29,440 but I don't do it because I'm trying to be selfish. 523 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,680 I do it because I care about you, 524 00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,800 even if you don't like me. 525 00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,200 Oh, I do like you. 526 00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:48,480 You mean a lot to me, and I'm sorry. 527 00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,880 -Sorry for me. -Oh, come here. 528 00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,560 Oh, you've got such a good heart. 529 00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,160 [soft vomiting noise] 530 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,160 Have you just been sick on my back? 531 00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,400 Berries. 532 00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:14,880 [whistle] 533 00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,880 Do you want me to scoop it up with my trowel? 534 00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,640 Yeah. 535 00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,760 [mellow music] 536 00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,680 [Joe] Look, sir, a long rubber branch. 537 00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,840 Is this for the birds to perch on? 538 00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,200 Do branches have veins? 539 00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,480 [Alfie] Joe, put that down. 540 00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,360 [indistinct chatter] 541 00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,600 So we've got back in time after all. 542 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,840 Yeah. 543 00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,320 Have to admit, you did sort of save the day in the end. 544 00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,600 Don't worry, it was nothing. 545 00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,760 You, uh, looking for a lift home? 546 00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,560 There's two routes, the B roads round Wendover, 547 00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,000 -or we get the M25-- -Shh. 548 00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,280 You had me at Wendover. 549 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:26,480 Not yet, love. Not yet. 550 00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,000 Your carriage awaits. 551 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,720 Where is he taking you? 552 00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,160 Strada. 553 00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,400 Hi, you must be Finley. 554 00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:40,200 Finley? 555 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,480 Finley! You bastard! 556 00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,800 He's not worth it, babe! 557 00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,520 Oh, God. 558 00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,480 Where's Fraser? 559 00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,400 [rap music] 560 00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,160 Hi, um, have you seen seven children? 561 00:27:58,480 --> 00:27:59,720 They're all English scholars, 562 00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,560 about yea high, smell of Wotsits.