1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,560
[students all talking at once]
2
00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:07,640
-Everyone please be quiet.
-Shh!
3
00:00:07,720 --> 00:00:09,680
Um, can you listen
to Mr. Wickers, please?
4
00:00:09,880 --> 00:00:11,840
-Settle down.
-Hang on, hang on.
5
00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:14,160
You want their attention,
start with a joke.
6
00:00:14,440 --> 00:00:15,920
What do you call
a black milkman?
7
00:00:16,280 --> 00:00:18,520
Oy, OK, hello, everyone.
8
00:00:18,800 --> 00:00:21,160
Welcome to the Abbey Grove field trip.
9
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:25,400
Next stop, the Tring Ink Museum
and Petting Zoo.
10
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,200
-What do you want?
-To say a few words.
11
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,840
-It's not a wedding.
-Now, I only have one rule:
12
00:00:29,960 --> 00:00:31,320
there are no rules.
13
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,680
Except, annoyingly, all of the school rules.
14
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,760
And one new rule.
15
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,160
Please don't do anything
Mitchell dares you to do.
16
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:43,320
Joe. Joe.
17
00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,160
Oh, cringe.
18
00:00:46,720 --> 00:00:48,200
Now, smoking is only permitted
19
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:49,520
at the front of the coach
20
00:00:49,680 --> 00:00:51,800
so I can suck up all
your secondhand stuff
21
00:00:51,920 --> 00:00:53,200
while I'm driving, all right?
22
00:00:53,200 --> 00:00:54,320
Sit down.
23
00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:56,640
Now, there's no
lock on the toilet,
24
00:00:56,760 --> 00:00:59,120
so put a sock on the door
if you're docking at Quimsby,
25
00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,400
if you know what I mean.
26
00:01:00,520 --> 00:01:03,160
Um, do you maybe want to
just put on a video?
27
00:01:03,160 --> 00:01:04,680
Yeah, we have a couple here.
28
00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,240
I've got Showgirls and Predator.
29
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,400
Oh, sweet, which Predator?
30
00:01:08,520 --> 00:01:10,480
[Miss Gulliver] Alfie!
31
00:01:11,840 --> 00:01:13,760
12 Angry Men,
is that with Henry Fonda?
32
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:18,440
Oh, no. My ex-wife
and the darts team. Double top.
33
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:19,560
Maybe the radio?
34
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:21,160
You got it, you're the boss.
35
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:24,880
So, kids. What do you call
an Indian with thrush?
36
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,520
[upbeat music]
37
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:59,200
Now, if you look to your left,
you'll see the Cock and Goose.
38
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:01,560
The cubicles are very well connected.
39
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,000
And if you look to your right,
40
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:06,160
you'll see a lay-by
that is, in my opinion,
41
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,280
a tad overlit.
42
00:02:08,400 --> 00:02:11,400
[students chattering]
43
00:02:12,680 --> 00:02:14,720
Oy, what are you...
44
00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:16,400
Why have you got
a bag of miniatures?
45
00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:18,000
Shit Irish airline, right,
46
00:02:18,120 --> 00:02:20,640
fired my brother
'cause he "broke company policy."
47
00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,000
-How?
-He helped a customer.
48
00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:24,720
Anyways, when he left,
he jacked a load of these
49
00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,160
and a couple of
life jackets and all.
50
00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:27,480
Give me that.
51
00:02:27,600 --> 00:02:29,000
Look, just 'cause
we're not in school
52
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,760
doesn't mean you can get drunk.
53
00:02:30,880 --> 00:02:32,680
These are confiscated.
54
00:02:32,800 --> 00:02:36,440
Why are you wearing
those heinous boots?
55
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,680
They're just hiking boots.
What's wrong with them?
56
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,560
It's just, those and that hair
57
00:02:41,680 --> 00:02:43,840
makes you look like a guard
in a women's prison.
58
00:02:44,000 --> 00:02:46,400
These are my outdoor clothes.
59
00:02:46,520 --> 00:02:48,600
We're going to the countryside.
60
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,480
Bear Grylls says
you have to be prepared for anything,
61
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:56,240
which is why I am also...
rocking one of these bad boys.
62
00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,600
A multipurpose utility harness.
63
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:01,680
Is that a spork?
64
00:03:01,800 --> 00:03:03,960
Yup, for those
tricky little jobs
65
00:03:04,800 --> 00:03:05,880
that a fork just can't handle.
66
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,840
Is it supposed
to be that tight?
67
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:09,800
Yup.
68
00:03:09,920 --> 00:03:10,760
Can't feel a thing.
69
00:03:10,880 --> 00:03:13,160
-Chap slap!
-Ow!
70
00:03:13,160 --> 00:03:14,200
Dick!
71
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,480
[laughing]
72
00:03:16,600 --> 00:03:19,200
Sir, I need your help.
73
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:22,000
I want a DMC
about relationships.
74
00:03:22,120 --> 00:03:23,160
This boy, Finley--
75
00:03:23,280 --> 00:03:25,320
Sir, why can't
we go paintballing?
76
00:03:25,440 --> 00:03:28,280
Because it doesn't benefit
an academic subject.
77
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:30,200
Art?
78
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:33,960
-Art.
-We're not going paintballing.
79
00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:38,400
Why is it an ink museum
and a petting zoo?
80
00:03:38,520 --> 00:03:40,880
I don't know, Alfie,
maybe they've got a squid.
81
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,880
-This trip is gonna be so dull.
-Look, I organized this.
82
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:46,680
You told me you liked
animals, as well.
83
00:03:46,800 --> 00:03:49,000
Yeah, I do, tigers and shit.
84
00:03:49,120 --> 00:03:50,880
Anyway, it's a lot better
than some of the other trips.
85
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:53,200
Yeah, Fraser's taking
the English scholars
86
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:56,560
to see some boring poetry thing.
87
00:03:56,680 --> 00:04:00,240
[rap music]
88
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:01,560
Hello.
89
00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,400
Where's the rap battle?
90
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:06,240
Tight to me, kids.
91
00:04:08,160 --> 00:04:10,560
Ah, nature.
92
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:13,800
Red in tooth and claw.
93
00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:17,840
Hey, maybe we could go camping
on the way back from the zoo.
94
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:21,000
I really want to teach my kids
how to gut a reindeer with a piece of bark.
95
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,280
I can't, I've got to be back by seven.
96
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:24,440
Why?
97
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:27,240
I'm going on
a date with this guy.
98
00:04:27,360 --> 00:04:30,600
A date? We haven't discussed this.
99
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:34,280
Why are you going on
a date with a guy?
100
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,240
Who is this guy?
101
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:37,680
I don't know,
it's a blind date.
102
00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:40,440
A blind date?
Oh, hmm.
103
00:04:40,560 --> 00:04:43,160
Very risky.
104
00:04:43,160 --> 00:04:45,680
Where did he find you, the Internet?
105
00:04:45,800 --> 00:04:47,400
He's not a weirdo,
he's gonna take me--
106
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,360
No, no, don't tell me.
107
00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,360
I'll watch thereconstruction on Crimewatch.
108
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:54,520
Alfie.
He's a normal guy.
109
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:59,120
Yeah, sure. "Normal guy," a bit of a loner,
obsessed with sex.
110
00:04:59,240 --> 00:05:01,840
Ooh, let me guess, probably
still lives with his parents.
111
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,160
[clearing her throat]
112
00:05:03,160 --> 00:05:05,640
Don't turn this round on me.
113
00:05:05,760 --> 00:05:08,360
Anyway, how old's Fred West?
114
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:10,560
My date? Twenty-three.
115
00:05:11,560 --> 00:05:13,360
Twenty-three?
116
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:15,200
But I'm 23.
117
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:16,840
Yeah, but he's an old 23.
118
00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,480
It's like this many sleeps 'til I'm 24.
119
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:21,760
-Yeah, but he's a teacher.
-I'm a teacher.
120
00:05:21,880 --> 00:05:24,280
He teaches mentally
challenged children.
121
00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:26,760
Have you seen my class?
122
00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:28,400
[squealing]
123
00:05:28,520 --> 00:05:31,480
Ow, stop! Ow!
124
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,320
If you're gonna be
like this all journey,
125
00:05:33,440 --> 00:05:34,800
I'm gonna sit next to Mollinson.
126
00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,640
Really? What, and let her show you
her holiday photos?
127
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,760
Yeah, fine by me.
128
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:42,960
There's my husband with his snorkel,
129
00:05:43,800 --> 00:05:46,720
and there he is laying out the tarpaulin.
130
00:05:46,840 --> 00:05:49,920
Have you ever been to Germany?
131
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,000
I just don'tunderstand why Fraser
132
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:53,720
didn't let me organize my own trip.
133
00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,560
Uh, maybe because of
your science trip?
134
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:01,240
[dark discordant music]
135
00:06:07,560 --> 00:06:09,200
Right, that was
Mitchell's fault.
136
00:06:09,320 --> 00:06:10,840
He said it was like Spider-Man.
137
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,440
Look, all I'm saying is that
138
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:15,160
I think I should
have taken everyone
139
00:06:15,280 --> 00:06:17,640
on, like, a proper
Bear Grylls expedition,
140
00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:19,760
teach them how to
survive in the wild.
141
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,200
Why would they need that?
142
00:06:21,320 --> 00:06:23,120
What if The Hunger Games
came true?
143
00:06:23,240 --> 00:06:24,440
[laughing]
144
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:26,000
We'll see who's laughing
when Jing's killing
145
00:06:26,120 --> 00:06:28,280
one of your kids
with a bow and arrow.
146
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:30,560
[laughing]
147
00:06:35,800 --> 00:06:39,680
[rock music]
148
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,480
Welcome to Shrub Wood Farm.
149
00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:55,000
Now, unfortunately,
we have worms.
150
00:06:55,120 --> 00:07:00,800
I spent all morning
fishing this out of a weasel.
151
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,360
It's an epidemic.
152
00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:07,520
Everything's got them, so,
153
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:12,000
remember, it's a
look-but-don't-touch policy.
154
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:17,400
Uh, but a private dance
can be arranged later.
155
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:23,600
I'm joking.
We had to stop doing that.
156
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:28,840
So, cubs and, uh, girls,
157
00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:32,200
have you got any
questions about animals?
158
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,160
Sir, I really
need to talk to you.
159
00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,400
Not now, Chantelle.
160
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:36,920
The boring man is talking.
161
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,240
Any questions at all?
162
00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:42,120
Why do cows have so many tits?
163
00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:45,440
Well, the cows have udders.
164
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:47,160
How come you can
call dogs "bitches"
165
00:07:47,280 --> 00:07:48,640
but not bitches "bitches"?
166
00:07:48,760 --> 00:07:50,440
Rem Dogg, behave.
167
00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,120
Would you rather be
a boy with a dog's head
168
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,840
or a dog with a boy's head?
169
00:07:55,440 --> 00:07:57,560
Well, obviously a boy--
170
00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,400
-Oy, worms!
-Is-- Is he talking to me?
171
00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:02,760
My mate Rasheed, yeah,
said he found a beak
172
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:03,960
in one of his McNuggets.
173
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:05,520
See, I thought a
chicken lays a nugget.
174
00:08:05,640 --> 00:08:07,680
Does it not lay a nugget, then?
175
00:08:09,240 --> 00:08:12,800
When the female chicken
is impregnated by the male--
176
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:15,840
Old McDonald, does the male chicken
lie to the female chicken
177
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:21,320
just to get into her pants
and then break her heart with a text?
178
00:08:21,440 --> 00:08:23,320
Guys, please.
179
00:08:23,440 --> 00:08:27,680
Can we show a little bit of respect
to the farmer man?
180
00:08:27,800 --> 00:08:31,280
Ask some serious questions.
181
00:08:33,920 --> 00:08:37,520
Do all meerkats
come from Russia?
182
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:41,480
[upbeat music]
183
00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:43,600
[bleating]
184
00:08:45,880 --> 00:08:48,480
This is so depressing.
185
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:49,760
I know.
186
00:08:49,880 --> 00:08:51,120
It's like being on a spectrum
187
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,440
that's actually
beyond the spectrum.
188
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,160
No, the animals.
189
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,840
I can't bare to see
them distressed.
190
00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,160
Look, malnourished,
all caged up.
191
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,160
I just hope
they're not upsetting the kids.
192
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:04,800
Oy, sir, look at his dick,
it's got shit on it.
193
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:05,920
[laughing]
194
00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:07,640
I think they're coping.
195
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:11,280
He's got shit on his dick.
196
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:14,520
Now, kids,
prepare to be amazed
197
00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:17,960
by swinonus rhinonian,
198
00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:22,280
or the rhino... pig.
199
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,440
[snorting]
200
00:09:24,560 --> 00:09:27,200
[laughing]
201
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,480
Wow.
202
00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:31,240
Your wife got a name?
203
00:09:32,440 --> 00:09:34,440
That is disgusting.
204
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:38,880
I've a good mind to rip off the bars
to that cage and set that animal free.
205
00:09:39,000 --> 00:09:42,000
I've made a terrible mistake
bringing us all here.
206
00:09:42,120 --> 00:09:45,600
[rap music]
[yelling indistinctly]
207
00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:47,280
Where's my bitches at, though,
208
00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,480
show me their titties,
though, what do you say?
209
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:53,800
Yeah!
210
00:09:55,800 --> 00:10:00,680
Who here
thought Ink was boring?
211
00:10:05,520 --> 00:10:06,800
OK.
212
00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,800
Who here takes a newspaper?
213
00:10:15,520 --> 00:10:17,200
Who's read a book?
214
00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:22,480
So, what's your date
doing with you tonight
215
00:10:22,560 --> 00:10:24,560
apart from turning you into a dress?
216
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:26,720
Why are you so
obsessed with it?
217
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:28,200
I'm not obsessed.
218
00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:32,400
Can anyone tell me where ink comes from?
219
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:34,400
-A pen?
-No.
220
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:36,560
But it does come
from a pen, doesn't it?
221
00:10:36,640 --> 00:10:40,600
Yes, but... originally.
222
00:10:40,680 --> 00:10:41,680
Rymans.
223
00:10:41,760 --> 00:10:44,520
Oh, my God, he's talking to them
like they're seven.
224
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,680
This is so inappropriate.
225
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,240
-[bleating]
-[splattering]
226
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,360
Who wishes to play God?
227
00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:58,680
Anyone?
228
00:11:07,240 --> 00:11:08,680
What would you do, pig,
229
00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:11,400
if you loved someone
that didn't love you?
230
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,920
Alfie, are you talking
to the rhino pig?
231
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,440
No. I'm just drinking some Malibu.
232
00:11:19,520 --> 00:11:20,640
I'm depressed, all right?
233
00:11:20,720 --> 00:11:22,840
-Get off my back.
-Why are you depressed?
234
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:27,520
[sighing] Miss Gulliver's going
on a date with a guy.
235
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,680
Why can't she see
how much I like her?
236
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:33,360
Maybe you should let her know.
237
00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:37,840
What, by like,
making a grand gesture?
238
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:41,480
-Or just tell her.
-Yeah, you're right.
239
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,640
I need to let her
know how much I care
240
00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:46,600
by doing something
massive, really bold.
241
00:11:46,680 --> 00:11:48,600
-Or just tell her.
-I've got it.
242
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,240
-Just tell her?
-The pig!
243
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,280
Rosie wants this
creature to be happy,
244
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,800
just like I want
her to be happy.
245
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,320
[Joe] Alfie, how much
Malibu have you drunk?
246
00:11:58,400 --> 00:11:59,880
It needs to run free!
247
00:11:59,960 --> 00:12:02,160
Alfie, don't touch it,
it's got worms.
248
00:12:02,160 --> 00:12:03,360
-Alfie!
-Run, piggy!
249
00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:07,440
Go, piggy, go! Run!
250
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:13,760
Miss Gulliver's
gonna be pretty impressed.
251
00:12:13,960 --> 00:12:15,280
Yeah.
252
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,840
She's not, is she?
253
00:12:21,440 --> 00:12:22,920
No.
254
00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:30,320
Yo... um...
255
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:34,200
So, I was thinking maybe
we should think about leaving.
256
00:12:34,320 --> 00:12:36,720
-What have you done?
-Nothing.
257
00:12:37,560 --> 00:12:41,800
I just don't want you
to be late for your date.
258
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,880
What are you wearing tonight?
259
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,960
-Why?
-Oh, nothing.
260
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,920
It's just, I was talking to Inky earlier
261
00:12:53,400 --> 00:12:54,960
and he says that
in his gift shop,
262
00:12:55,800 --> 00:12:56,760
he sells real fur coats.
263
00:12:56,880 --> 00:12:58,000
I was thinking maybe
you could buy one,
264
00:12:58,120 --> 00:13:00,920
team it up with a
little otter scarf.
265
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:03,200
Right, everyone back
on the bus, quickly.
266
00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:04,560
Wake him up, take him out.
267
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:05,800
Off you go, right on the bus.
268
00:13:05,920 --> 00:13:07,600
Come on!
269
00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:11,760
[pop music]
270
00:13:15,200 --> 00:13:16,120
[screaming]
271
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:19,400
[inhales and exhales]
272
00:13:21,400 --> 00:13:23,360
[driver] We've got two routes back.
273
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:24,520
Motorway at rush hour...
274
00:13:24,640 --> 00:13:26,400
-Or?
-Scenic route.
275
00:13:26,520 --> 00:13:29,480
Plenty of lay-bys to
dip into round Tring.
276
00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,880
Why don't you just
use your SAT lamp
277
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,480
to find the quickest route back?
278
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,960
Never used one, never will.
279
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,360
Why?
280
00:13:37,160 --> 00:13:40,560
Won't be told what to do
by a woman.
281
00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:51,800
We're lost.
282
00:13:52,760 --> 00:13:56,360
Bieber, take the wheel.
Not sure I can trust this fart.
283
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:59,240
-I can't, I've been drinking.
-So have I.
284
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:07,120
Watch out!
285
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,440
[pig squealing]
286
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:13,720
-Jesus! Was that a person?
-Paul's fault.
287
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:15,600
I need to dust the
prints off this wheel.
288
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,800
I've gotta check.
289
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,560
Is everyone OK?
290
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,720
If anybody asks, the pig hit us.
291
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,800
How do you think it escaped?
292
00:14:30,920 --> 00:14:32,760
Oh, God, do you think
someone let it out?
293
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:36,120
Um... maybe it let itself out.
294
00:14:36,240 --> 00:14:39,000
Does anyone know anything about this?
295
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:41,200
I won't be annoyed if you're honest with me.
296
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,760
They always say that.
297
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:45,560
-Did you know about this?
-What?
298
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:52,520
Fine.
299
00:14:52,680 --> 00:14:56,160
I freed the pig, miss,
because it looked sad.
300
00:14:56,160 --> 00:15:01,200
Well, that's stupid,
but I admire the gesture.
301
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:04,480
You stole my gesture.
302
00:15:04,600 --> 00:15:07,480
Where's my bra, eh?
You've got it, haven't you?
303
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,200
You took it off in
the pool, didn't you?
304
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:13,200
He's concussed.
Sit him down, give him some oxygen.
305
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:16,240
[bus driver
slurring indistinctly]
306
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:17,840
Oh, God...
307
00:15:18,760 --> 00:15:19,880
You're gonna have to
call the AA.
308
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:20,920
I haven't got any reception.
309
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:22,640
Neither have I.
310
00:15:22,760 --> 00:15:25,560
Well, we can't goback to that farm.
311
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:30,000
I know! I could trek cross country,
312
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:32,280
find the nearest town, get help.
313
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:36,160
Oh, OK, but well,
come straight back, yeah?
314
00:15:36,160 --> 00:15:38,600
Yeah, sure, right.
315
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,440
I'm gonna need to
gather up a team.
316
00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,240
-[driver groaning]
-Not you.
317
00:15:42,320 --> 00:15:46,120
[mellow music]
318
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:53,320
Lilt goes flat so quickly.
319
00:15:53,440 --> 00:15:55,840
Oh, I love being outdoors, me.
320
00:15:55,960 --> 00:15:57,720
Reminds me of being
in the Scouts.
321
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,120
Our Scoutmaster, Mr. Rogers, he was my hero.
322
00:16:00,240 --> 00:16:02,120
Oh, why? What was he like?
323
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:05,520
So brave. This one time, right,
he fought off a bear.
324
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:09,240
-A bear, in England?
-No, in Wales.
325
00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,800
We'd all gone skinny dipping.
326
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,200
We came back to the campsite,
327
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,200
and Mr. Rogers had
fought off this bear
328
00:16:14,200 --> 00:16:16,760
that had broken in our tents
and eaten all of our clothes.
329
00:16:16,880 --> 00:16:18,800
Did you ever see this bear?
330
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:22,720
No, but it must have
been a very picky bear,
331
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,440
'cause it didn't
touch anything else,
332
00:16:24,560 --> 00:16:26,160
not even the food.
333
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,000
Sir, wasn't there
a sign on the road
334
00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:29,560
that said Tring was that way?
335
00:16:29,680 --> 00:16:30,800
[laughing] Signs.
336
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,560
We don't need signs,
we're in the wild.
337
00:16:33,680 --> 00:16:35,840
This is the only sign I need.
338
00:16:37,800 --> 00:16:39,560
Wind sign.
339
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,880
Yup, that's north.
We get through these woods, we'll hit Tring.
340
00:16:49,200 --> 00:16:53,120
Lunch? Bear says you never know
when you're gonna be able to eat next.
341
00:16:53,240 --> 00:16:56,640
-Did you kill this?
-Yup, used my trowel.
342
00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,200
It looks like it's
been dead for weeks.
343
00:16:58,320 --> 00:16:59,400
Anyone wants a forest berry?
344
00:16:59,520 --> 00:17:01,440
Don't!
No, that's a yew berry.
345
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,320
It's the most poisonous
berry in Britain.
346
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,840
Uh-uh, they're cranberries.
347
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,320
I know that 'cause they're red.
348
00:17:06,440 --> 00:17:09,640
Yeah, well, I'm a biology teacher,
so just trust me.
349
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:13,560
Anyone? Jing?
Come on, you guys eat anything.
350
00:17:13,680 --> 00:17:15,880
Like those pooey
hundred-year-old eggs.
351
00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:16,960
[groans]
352
00:17:17,800 --> 00:17:18,160
[in Chinese] I hope you die.
353
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,640
Yeah, I'm sure
they are delicious,
354
00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,840
but so are these berries.
355
00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:24,200
-Alfie, we've actually--
-Anyone? No?
356
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:26,600
Fine, more for me.
357
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:28,920
Mmm. Yum, yum, yum.
358
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:30,360
Mmm.
359
00:17:30,480 --> 00:17:32,160
[groans]
360
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:33,520
Fizzy berry.
361
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:36,200
Screw this,
I'm eating my rolls.
362
00:17:37,680 --> 00:17:39,520
What?
363
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:42,320
Packed lunch, bell end.
364
00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:44,160
You--
365
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,200
I tried to tell you,
but you didn't listen.
366
00:17:46,200 --> 00:17:47,520
Have some of mine.
367
00:17:47,680 --> 00:17:49,320
No, fine, no.
368
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,320
You, eat your sandwiches
with all their e-numbers.
369
00:17:52,440 --> 00:17:55,240
I am feasting off Mother Nature.
370
00:17:55,360 --> 00:17:57,720
Ooh, a mushroom.
371
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:05,680
Oy, all right.
372
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:08,840
How do you gut this?
373
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,160
Come on, guys.
374
00:18:14,160 --> 00:18:16,760
We need to keep moving.
375
00:18:16,920 --> 00:18:18,400
Alfie?
376
00:18:18,520 --> 00:18:22,160
[tense electronic music]
377
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,800
We're being followed.
378
00:18:23,920 --> 00:18:25,960
-Are you OK?
-His eyes look funny.
379
00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:29,000
He looks like my brother
after he come back from Ibiza.
380
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:33,400
Alfie, do you
know where we are?
381
00:18:35,400 --> 00:18:38,320
Would somebody
please tell that frog
382
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:41,720
I do not want to smoke his pipe?
383
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,440
People!
384
00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:47,200
Oh, everyone wave!
Get their attention!
385
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,440
I know, I'll
chuck a rock at 'em.
386
00:18:48,560 --> 00:18:50,760
No, don't, don't,
we need their help.
387
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,200
Hello!
388
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:53,240
Come on, guys, help!
389
00:18:53,360 --> 00:18:57,120
[all yelling]
390
00:18:57,200 --> 00:18:58,640
Help us!
391
00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:00,400
We're over here!
392
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:03,640
Where's Alfie?
393
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:06,400
Shitty harness.
394
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:10,840
Nobody drink from the stream.
395
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:13,200
They're really bad berries.
396
00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,600
Look at that! Bloody disgusting!
397
00:19:16,120 --> 00:19:18,160
Kids, this way!
398
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,160
Bloody kids!
399
00:19:19,280 --> 00:19:22,320
[man yelling]
400
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,200
[Rem Dogg] Sir shitted in the river!
401
00:19:25,360 --> 00:19:27,520
That was so sick.
402
00:19:27,640 --> 00:19:30,760
Why do you have
to ruin everything?
403
00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,200
-Rosie, I--
-No, no, I organized this day,
404
00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:35,760
but you decide it's rubbish
so you make it rubbish.
405
00:19:35,880 --> 00:19:37,280
You hated the farm, too.
406
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,200
I told you not to eat those
berries and what did you do?
407
00:19:39,200 --> 00:19:40,680
OK, I admit that.
408
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,640
You're stupid,
you're immature,
409
00:19:42,760 --> 00:19:44,200
you only ever
think about yourself.
410
00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,200
I think about
you all the time.
411
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:48,840
That's why I let the piggy free.
412
00:19:49,640 --> 00:19:51,120
You let the pig free?
413
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:52,680
You said you
admired the gesture.
414
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,760
Yeah, I admire it
being made by a child.
415
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:56,240
But it's free.
416
00:19:56,360 --> 00:19:57,360
I can't believe
you think I would
417
00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:58,680
ever be interested in you.
418
00:19:58,800 --> 00:20:02,760
You're such a pathetic,
selfish little boy.
419
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:08,600
I think I might
need a dock leaf.
420
00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:11,320
That bog roll was
a little nettley.
421
00:20:22,240 --> 00:20:25,760
Go away.
I wanna be on my own for a bit.
422
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,000
[Stephen] What's that, sir?
423
00:20:27,120 --> 00:20:29,200
I dug myself a bucket.
424
00:20:31,280 --> 00:20:32,680
I'm sorry for being aggro.
425
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:33,800
It's 'cause of my man.
426
00:20:33,920 --> 00:20:35,680
Finley, he left her.
427
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,600
He's my first
long-term relationship.
428
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:39,800
And by long-term...?
429
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,120
He took me to
Strada, like, twice.
430
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:43,640
OK.
431
00:20:43,720 --> 00:20:46,680
He said he loved me
just to see if he could sleep with me.
432
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:50,000
-What happened?
-He slept with me.
433
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:52,000
No, I meant after that.
434
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:55,600
Oh, he told me I wasn't mature enough,
but I am mature.
435
00:20:55,720 --> 00:21:00,000
I like Adele, and I've not been
in Claire's accessories for, like, two years.
436
00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:05,440
Sir, why don't you
come sit with us?
437
00:21:05,560 --> 00:21:08,320
I don't think Miss Gulliver
wants to talk to me much.
438
00:21:08,440 --> 00:21:10,160
But we do.
439
00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:16,320
OK, I guess.
440
00:21:22,280 --> 00:21:24,440
Hey, guys.
441
00:21:25,640 --> 00:21:29,280
Sorry about
the stream and stuff.
442
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:36,800
Look, don't worry.
I'll make a fire.
443
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:38,640
I got all the badges in Scouts.
444
00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,520
Fire-making, knot-tying,
secret-keeping.
445
00:21:41,640 --> 00:21:43,440
There isn't a badge
for keeping secrets.
446
00:21:43,560 --> 00:21:44,800
Uh, shows how much you know.
447
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:46,240
Mr. Rogers said it was
the most important badge
448
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,640
a Scout could get.
449
00:21:48,760 --> 00:21:50,360
Look, if we get this fire lit,
450
00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,840
we're gonna need
to work as a team.
451
00:21:52,000 --> 00:21:54,200
Chantelle, Joe,
you go looking for kindling.
452
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,960
Mitchell, Stephen,
we're gonna need to get hold of flints,
453
00:21:57,800 --> 00:22:00,840
ideally quartz, anything that's
gonna be able to create a spark.
454
00:22:03,680 --> 00:22:06,520
You all smoke? Jesus.
455
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:09,200
I'm a terrible role model.
456
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:11,200
♪ They call me Teach
because I do ♪
457
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:13,760
♪ I'll bring you times tables
three times two ♪
458
00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,280
♪ You think you're badass ♪
459
00:22:15,440 --> 00:22:17,200
♪ But I tell you
you cats would disagree ♪
460
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:19,360
♪ No university gonna
give you a degree ♪
461
00:22:19,480 --> 00:22:20,880
♪ So don't try for LFC ♪
462
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,880
♪ 'Cause you'll need
a dual science award ♪
463
00:22:23,000 --> 00:22:24,520
♪ A GCSE ♪
464
00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:26,480
♪ And the only way
you wouldn't need that ♪
465
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:29,120
♪ Is if your school had been
on International Baccalaureate ♪
466
00:22:29,240 --> 00:22:31,640
[panting]
467
00:22:31,760 --> 00:22:33,120
♪ So go figure
pull the trigger ♪
468
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,400
♪ Shit's getting bigger,
my... ♪
469
00:22:36,320 --> 00:22:38,800
My...
470
00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:40,880
[rolls tongue]
471
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,400
[Alfie]
Finally, look, cars.
472
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,600
Right, I'll go
ask them for help.
473
00:22:53,760 --> 00:22:57,160
[grunting]
[moaning]
474
00:22:57,160 --> 00:22:58,160
Hello.
475
00:22:58,160 --> 00:23:02,000
Um, could you give me a hand?
476
00:23:02,120 --> 00:23:03,560
Oh, God, Jesus!
477
00:23:03,680 --> 00:23:05,400
[woman]
He's a wriggler, Geoff.
478
00:23:05,520 --> 00:23:09,240
[Alfie] It's all right,
they're friendly!
479
00:23:09,360 --> 00:23:10,520
Could you just let go?
480
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,800
Sorry, I think it might
alarm the children.
481
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,640
[Geoff]
You brought your kids?
482
00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:15,440
[woman] Oh, leave him, Geoff,
he's probably Cornish.
483
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:17,120
I'm terribly sorry.
484
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:18,320
I think there might
have been a little bit
485
00:23:18,440 --> 00:23:19,920
of a misunderstanding here.
486
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:24,000
I'm not actually a dogger,
per se.
487
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:25,760
[Geoff] Got ourselves a puppy, Pam.
488
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:27,840
-[Pam] We don't bite.
-[Geoff] Unless you ask.
489
00:23:27,960 --> 00:23:29,160
[Pam giggling]
490
00:23:29,280 --> 00:23:31,280
Look, I'm a teacher
at Abbey Grove School.
491
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,680
[Pam] Oh, do you
know Olive Mollinson?
492
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:37,160
Yes.
And of course you do, too.
493
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:39,920
We've had a bit of
a traffic accident.
494
00:23:40,400 --> 00:23:41,680
Uh, Olive's currently
stuck on a coach
495
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:43,480
with a load of children
496
00:23:43,600 --> 00:23:47,680
and we'd really appreciate
your help getting back.
497
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:50,160
[Pam] Oh, sorry, love,
of course we'll help.
498
00:23:50,280 --> 00:23:52,280
[Geoff] Would you give us ten minutes?
499
00:23:52,400 --> 00:23:56,160
Oh, yes. Terribly sorry. Of course.
500
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:58,360
[Geoff] You can stay if you want, you can stay.
501
00:23:58,480 --> 00:24:00,200
I think I'll pass.
502
00:24:00,320 --> 00:24:02,120
[man] Suit yourself.
503
00:24:02,240 --> 00:24:05,160
[moaning]
504
00:24:05,160 --> 00:24:06,200
How many of you are there?
505
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,600
[woman] Four.
506
00:24:07,760 --> 00:24:08,960
[man] Five.
507
00:24:09,800 --> 00:24:10,400
[Geoff] Didn't see
you down there, Robin.
508
00:24:10,520 --> 00:24:12,240
Sorry about that, mate.
509
00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:25,280
-Everything OK?
-Yup.
510
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:27,760
What were they doing, sir?
Were they--
511
00:24:27,880 --> 00:24:29,200
-They're probably--
-Bird watching.
512
00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:32,200
-Yeah.
-Yup, they're bird watching.
513
00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:33,840
They're gonna drive us home in ten minutes,
514
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:38,160
they're just, uh...
finishing off a robin.
515
00:24:38,160 --> 00:24:41,280
-At night?
-Yeah.
516
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:46,320
[cheering]
517
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:05,960
So, you made it.
518
00:25:06,880 --> 00:25:10,200
Alfie, I just wanna--
519
00:25:10,320 --> 00:25:16,160
No. Before you say anything, you're right.
520
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:19,280
-I am an idiot.
-No, I overreacted.
521
00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:24,680
Look, I do a lot of
stupid things,
522
00:25:24,840 --> 00:25:29,440
but I don't do it
because I'm trying to be selfish.
523
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,680
I do it because
I care about you,
524
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:38,800
even if you don't like me.
525
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:42,200
Oh, I do like you.
526
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:48,480
You mean a lot to me,
and I'm sorry.
527
00:25:48,600 --> 00:25:53,880
-Sorry for me.
-Oh, come here.
528
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:58,560
Oh, you've got
such a good heart.
529
00:26:00,880 --> 00:26:03,160
[soft vomiting noise]
530
00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,160
Have you just been
sick on my back?
531
00:26:05,280 --> 00:26:07,400
Berries.
532
00:26:13,400 --> 00:26:14,880
[whistle]
533
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,880
Do you want me to scoop
it up with my trowel?
534
00:26:22,000 --> 00:26:23,640
Yeah.
535
00:26:24,720 --> 00:26:27,760
[mellow music]
536
00:26:39,920 --> 00:26:41,680
[Joe] Look, sir,
a long rubber branch.
537
00:26:41,800 --> 00:26:44,840
Is this for the
birds to perch on?
538
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,200
Do branches have veins?
539
00:26:47,280 --> 00:26:50,480
[Alfie] Joe, put that down.
540
00:26:55,560 --> 00:26:58,360
[indistinct chatter]
541
00:27:02,840 --> 00:27:04,600
So we've got back
in time after all.
542
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:05,840
Yeah.
543
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,320
Have to admit, you did sort of
save the day in the end.
544
00:27:08,400 --> 00:27:10,600
Don't worry, it was nothing.
545
00:27:13,240 --> 00:27:15,760
You, uh,
looking for a lift home?
546
00:27:15,880 --> 00:27:18,560
There's two routes,
the B roads round Wendover,
547
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,000
-or we get the M25--
-Shh.
548
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,280
You had me at Wendover.
549
00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:26,480
Not yet, love. Not yet.
550
00:27:29,560 --> 00:27:31,000
Your carriage awaits.
551
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,720
Where is he taking you?
552
00:27:32,840 --> 00:27:35,160
Strada.
553
00:27:35,160 --> 00:27:37,400
Hi, you must be Finley.
554
00:27:39,800 --> 00:27:40,200
Finley?
555
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,480
Finley! You bastard!
556
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,800
He's not worth it, babe!
557
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,520
Oh, God.
558
00:27:50,280 --> 00:27:51,480
Where's Fraser?
559
00:27:51,600 --> 00:27:55,400
[rap music]
560
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:58,160
Hi, um, have you seen seven children?
561
00:27:58,480 --> 00:27:59,720
They're all English scholars,
562
00:27:59,840 --> 00:28:02,560
about yea high,
smell of Wotsits.